The Mayhem Critic
by James Stryker
Summary: He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.
1. Episode One Part I: Robocop

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Strkyer bringing you something new for you to enjoy. So, I am a huge movie buff and I've decided to make a parody of the Nostalgia Critic and TheUnusualSuspect, my favorite reviewers. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Sean a.k.a The Mayhem Critic, the reviewer who rips movies a new one and he will be talking about old and new movies and also editorials and talk about TV shows, old and new as well. There will also be countdowns as well. P.S. I do not own anything involved in these reviews, comparisons or countdowns. They belong to their respective creators. But I own the movies that are being reviewed on DVD. Today, for the Critic's first review, he tackles the 1987 science thriller** _ **RoboCop**_ **. Does it still hold up in thirty years? We'll find out today.**

 **Episode 1: RoboCop (Part I)**

 _ **In a suburban house in the Ohio area, a young man at the age of 25 enters his kitchen and fixes himself a cup of coffee from his Keurig 2.0 coffee machine while he pours some cat kibble in his cat's dish. The young man enters his office and sits down in front of his desk, his office filled with movie posters and shelves filled with a collection of DVDs with another shelf that has a collection of action figures on it. The young African American male dons a blue jean denim shirt, a Robin t-shirt and glasses as he takes a sip of his coffee before speaking.**_

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one and welcome to our first ever episode. And look, I know how this looks, cyborgs aren't anything new. In 1984, one of the most famous science fiction movies of all time hit our screens and it launched the careers of the human catchprase." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays)**

 _ **Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Alright, everyone! Chill.**_

 **(Sean pushes the clip away)**

"Stop it." Sean said. "And the man who made blue pussy popular. Of course, I'm talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Cameron. Everybody remembers The Terminator."

 **(Clips from** _ **The Terminator**_ **start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narration) It's science fiction with a little film noir for good measure. It spawned four sequels, and blatant rip-offs since it's release.**

"But we're not going to talk about The Terminator. Today, I am going to be talking about RoboCop." Sean said as the poster for the 2014 version of RoboCop pops up next to him as he turns around and notices it. "Uh, not that one. The original."

 **(The poster for the 1987 version of** _ **RoboCop**_ **pops up next to Sean as he turns around and smiles in approval.)**

"Much better." Sean said, smiling.

 **(The movie title screen appears as the late Basil Poledouris'** _ **RoboCop**_ **theme starts playing. Sean narrates while clips of the film start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released on July 17** **th** **, 1987 and distributed by Orion Pictures,** _ **RoboCop**_ **took a different approach to the idea of The Terminator and as with The** _ **Terminator**_ **not many people have heard of** _ **RoboCop.**_ **Hell, when I was five I have heard of** _ **RoboCop**_ **and I watched it with my mom. Alright, it was the edited for television version but still I've heard of it before** _ **The Terminator**_ **. I lied, I've heard of** _ **Terminator 2: Judgment Day**_ **while I was little. The film was written by Edward Neumier and Michael Miner and it was directed by Paul Verhoeven. If you don't know who Paul Verhoeven is, he's a Dutch director who's films are best known for having explicit graphic violence and sexual content. Films like** _ **Spetters**_ **,** _ **The 4th Man**_ **,** _ **Flesh + Blood**_ **,** _ **Total Recall**_ **,** _ **Basic Instinct**_ **,** _ **Starship Troopers**_ **and** _ **Hollow Man**_ **.**

 **(The poster for** _ **Showgirls**_ **slides in next to Sean as he pushes it out of the way)**

"I'm not ready to talk about the film. We'll talk about it later." Sean said. "But the question still remains, does RoboCop still hold up for thirty years? We'll find out. Let's dive right into RoboCop. He's the future of law enforcement.

Plot:

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with….**

 **(The** _ **Media Break**_ **theme plays)**

 _ **Announcer: This is MediaBreak. You give us three minutes and we'll give you the world.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's starts out with** _ **MediaBreak**_ **, hosted by Casey Wong played by the late Mario Machado and Jesse Perkins played by Leeza Gibbons. And now we get Dick Jones, played by Ronny Cox from** _ **Beverly Hills Cop**_ **and** _ **Beverly Hills Cop II**_ **.**

 _ **Dick Jones (Played by Ronny Cox): Every policeman knows when he joins the force that there are certain inherent risks that come with the territory. Ask any cop, he'll tell you. If you can't stand the heat, you better stay out of the kitchen.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we're also introduced to the unofficial crime boss of Old Detroit, Clarence Boddicker played by Kurtwood Smith.**

"Who?" The cameraman named Brian said in the background as Sean makes a look.

"Alright, if you don't know who Kurtwood Smith, then you're a dumbass." Sean said, referencing the character Red Foreman from That 70's Show. "He's the dad from That 70's Show. And we see what he's been doing on his spare time, killing cops."

 _ **Slimey Lawyer (Played by Gregory Pudevigne): Attempted murder? It's not like he killed someone.**_

 _ **Sergeant Warren Reed (Played by the late character actor Rober DoQui): (Sgt. Reed grabs the lawyer by his coat) Listen, pal! Your client's a crumbag! You're a crumbag! And crumbags see the judge on Monday morning!**_

"Oops! I've must've been playing the edited for television version. Hold on, let me play the unedited version." Sean said, typing away on his laptop after realizing the bad dubbing of the edited word for "Scumbag".

 _ **Sgt. Reed: Listen, pal! Your client's a scumbag! You're a scumbag! And scumbags see the judge on Monday morning!**_

 _ **Officer Alex J. Murphy (Played by Peter Weller): Hi. Uh, Murphy, transferring in from Metro South.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get to meet Alex Murphy, played by Peter Weller, who for all of you Batman fanboys out there, he played the voice of Batman/Bruce Wayne on** _ **Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Parts 1 & 2**_ **. And he was in the movie** _ **Leviathan**_ **.**

 _ **Manson (Played by Edward Edwards): Murphy, huh?**_

 _ **Murphy: Yeah, that's me.**_

 _ **Manson: (Shakes Murphy's hand) Manson.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out tensions are running pretty high behind the scenes all because of OCP and the working conditions are pretty shitty.**

 _ **Kaplan (Played by Del Zamora): I'll tell you what we should do, we should strike. Fuck 'em!**_

 _ **(Sgt. Reed enters the locker room as the officers kept quiet.)**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Real subtle, stupid.**

 _ **Sgt. Reed: And I don't want to hear anymore talk about strike. We're not plumbers. We're police officers. And police officers don't strike.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And in the waiting room, a small fight breaks out.**

 **(** _ **Officer Anne Lewis punches a handcuffed suspect in the face three times, knocking him out.)**_

 _ **Sgt. Reed: Lewis. Come here when you're finished fucking around with your suspect.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And here we meet Officer Anne Lewis, played by Nancy Allen from three Brian DePalma films like** _ **Carrie, Blow Out**_ **and** _ **Dressed to Kill**_ **. And the 1989 movie** _ **Limit Up**_ **. And no, she's not the love interest for the film. Murphy has a wife and son.**

 _ **Officer Anne Lewis (Played by Nancy Allen): I'd better drive until you know your way around.**_

 _ **Murphy: (Enters the driver's side of the police cruiser) I usually drive when I'm breaking in a new partner.**_

"Apparently, Murphy doesn't care about getting lost at the same time too." Sean said before taking a sip of his coffee.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In the OCP boardroom, Dick Jones demonstrates something on how to clean up the streets of Detroit and we meet The Old Man, played by the late Dan O'Herlihy.**

 _ **The Old Man (Played by the late Dan O'Herlihy): Old Detroit has a cancer, the cancer is crime.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Sounds like something that Cobra would say.**

 _ **Dick Jones: It gives me pleasure to introduce you to the future of law enforcement.**_

 _ **(Jones opens the doors, revealing the ED-209 enforcement droid)**_

 _ **Dick Jones: ED-209.**_

 _ **(ED-209 starts up as the enforcement droid enters the boardroom while the OCP board members move back)**_

"Okay, screw CGI. But the stop motion animation for ED-209 looks amazing. It makes robots look better. Anyway, time for a demo. We need a volunteer. Uh, any volunteers? Who's gonna be the poor son of a bitch helping us with the demonstration? How about NBC executive Stu Chermack from _Seinfeld_." Sean asked as a still image of Kinney shows up on screen with the sound of the bell dinging. "Winner, winner! Chicken dinner!"

 **Sean: (V/O) If you're wondering who I know who Kinney's portrayer is, that's Kevin Page from Seinfeld.**

 _ **(Kinney, played by Kevin Page (credited as Ken Page) points the gun at ED-209)**_

 _ **ED-209: Please put down your weapon. You now have thirty seconds to comply.**_

"Hey, I think this demonstration is going to be just…." Sean said until ED-209 malfunctions and starts counting down from five seconds while Kinney tries to move out of the way and hide for cover. "Wait, what? Huh? What the? Why is it?"

 _ **ED-209: I am now authorized to use physical force.**_

 _ **(ED-209 fires at Kinney and gruesomely kills him)**_

"HOLY SHIT!" Sean watches the scene in horror as ED-209 continues to mow Kinney down.

 **Jacksepticeye: (V/O from** _ **Whack Your Boss**_ **) Geez, dude. Relax! I think he's dead! Dude, stop!**

 _ **(One of the OCP scientists pull the plug on ED-209, while The Old Man looks on, much to his disappointment)**_

 _ **Bob Morton (Played by the late Miguel Ferrer): Somebody want to call a goddamn paramedic.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) A paramedic? Call a hearse because this motherfucker is stone cold dead! I know that Paul Verhoeven could go crazy with excessive violence in his films, but goddamn!**

 _ **The Old Man: Dick, I am very disappointed with you.**_

 _ **Dick Jones: I'm sure it's only a glitch. A temporary setback.**_

"A glitch? A temporary setback?" Sean asked. "Bitch! You call this a glitch?!"

 _ **The Old Man: You call this a glitch?!**_

"Huh?" Sean asked after saying The Old Man's line as his eyes widened in surprise. "How did I know that he was going to say that?"

 **Sean: (Narration) But this gives Bob Morton, played by the late Miguel Ferrer, the opportunity to introduce his own experimental cyborg design.**

 _ **Bob Morton: Perhaps you're aware of the RoboCop program developed by myself at security concepts as a contingency against just this sort of thing.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Tell me about your plan, Mr. Morton.**_

 _ **Bob Morton: I'm confident that we can go to prototype within 90 days.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Good, very good.**_

 _ **Donald Johnson (Played by Felton Perry) You better watch your back, Bob. Jones is gonna come looking for you.**_

 _ **Bob Morton: (Scoffs) Fuck Jones. He fumbled the ball and I was there to pick it up.**_

 _ **Donald Johnson: When do we start?**_

 _ **Bob Morton: As soon as some poor schmuck volunteers.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Volunteer, huh? Meanwhile, Murphy and Lewis chase down a gang that went on a full-scale bank heist, and the gang is led by none other than Clarence Boddicker.**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker (Played by Kurtwood Smith): (He sees that the money is burnt) I don't believe it! You burnt! You burnt the fucking money!**_

 _ **Bobby (Played by stuntman/actor Freddie Hice): I had to blow the door. What do you want?**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: (Throws the burnt money at Bobby) It's as good as marked, you asshole! You stupid, stupid asshole!**_

 **(A clip from That 70's Show plays)**

 **Red Foreman: Ah! There's the dumbass!**

 _ **Emil Antonowski (Played by Paul McCrane): Clarence!**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: What?! What do you want?!**_

 _ **Emil: We got a cop on our tail.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) We then get a pretty normal 80s shootout where no one can hit anything, not even the broad side of the mountain. One of the gang members named Bobby, played by Freddie Hice, gets hit in the leg. So, Clarence decides to use some bigger firepower.**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Can you fly, Bobby?**_

 _ **Bobby: Clarence, no!**_

 _ **(They throw Bobby out of the back of the van as R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly starts playing and ends right after Bobby lands on the windshield of Murphy and Lewis' police cruiser.)**_

"Sorry, I had to do it." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narration) Murphy and Lewis follow Boddicker and his gang to their hideout at an abandoned steel mill. Backup is unavailable at this time, so they've decided to go in on their own.**

"Well, somebody's been watching too much cop shows." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narration) Lewis tries to arrest one of the gang members but gets punched out by him and thrown off of a second story railing while Murphy tries to arrest one of the goons.**

 _ **(Murphy shoots Dougy, played by Neil Summers, and points his gun at Emil.)**_

 _ **Murphy: Go ahead and do it. Dead or alive, you're coming with me.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Until Murphy gets caught by Boddicker and his gang. Boy, he has an ethnically diverse gang. He has two white guys, an Asian and a black guy. Got to give Clarence some credit. In his gang, there's Emil Antonowski, played by Paul McCrane from** _ **Fame**_ **and** _ **ER**_ **, Leon Nash played by Ray Wise from** _ **Batman: The Killing Joke**_ **,** _ **Twin Peaks**_ **and** _ **Reaper**_ **, Joe Cox played by Jesse D. Goins from** _ **Scandal**_ **and** _ **Patriot Games**_ **and Steve Minh played by Calvin Jung from** _ **Lethal Weapon 4**_ **and you'll probably remember him from a certain commercial from the 1970s.**

 **(A clip from the Calgon commercial starts playing)**

 _ **Customer: How do you get shirts so clean, Mr. Lee?**_

 _ **Mr. Lee (Played by Calvin Jung): Ancient Chinese secret.**_

"Uh, does Mrs. Lee know what her husband does in his spare time?" Sean asked, raising his eyebrow.

 _ **Emil: (Points his shotgun at Murphy) Your ass is mine!**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: (Enters) No. Not yet, it ain't. You a good cop, hotshot. (Hits Murphy in the back of the leg with his pump shotgun) Where's your partner? Where's your partner? (Hits Murphy again). I bet that really pisses you off. You probably don't think that I'm a pretty nice guy.**_

 _ **Murphy: Buddy, I think you're slime.**_

"Shh. Murphy, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up. He's going to kill you." Sean said.

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: See, I got this problem. Cops don't like me, so I don't like cops. (Aims his shotgun at Murphy's hand and shoots it off)**_

 _ **(His gang laughs while Murphy gasps in horror)**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Well give the man a hand!**_

Sean starts clapping his hands as the audience boos at him. "What? What? He said to give him a hand. Oh, wait. Let me lend him a hand." Sean throws a fake hand out and starts laughing. "Oh, man! I am killing!"

 **Sean: (Narration). Plus, I just love Murphy's reaction to getting his hand blown apart by Clarence. He just gasps in horror. At least Luke Skywalker had a better reaction to losing his hand.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **plays, showing Darth Vader cutting off Luke's hand with his lightsaber and Luke screams.)**

 **Sean: (V/O) See? And speaking of killing, Clarence's gang starts blasting away at Murphy.**

 _ **(Murphy screams while getting violently gunned down by Clarence's men while Lewis looks on in shock)**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Damn! This guy's gangsta. He just got shredded by a bunch of shotgun shells and he's still standing. To quote Negan from** _ **The Walking Dead**_ **, "Taking it like a champ!". Until Clarence puts a bullet in his head right before Murphy tells him to suck his nuts.**

"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed with his eyes widened in shock. "Imagine if the liquor store gunman from _Regarding Henry_ shot Harrison Ford in the head with that Desert Eagle. Then it would be a pretty short movie.

 **Sean: (Narration) Lewis pretty much finds Murphy's mangled corpse and a medical emergency unit tries to revive him and we pretty much get some flashbacks in his life.**

 _ **Jimmy Murphy (Played by Jason Levine): (After watching TJ Lazer and sees his impressive way after firing his laser) Can you do that, dad?**_

 _ **Ellen Murphy (Played by Angie Bolling): I really have to tell you something.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) They eventually give up by trying to restart his heart with electric shocks and adrenaline.**

 _ **Doctor: (V/O) Alright, that's all we can do.**_

"Uh, I have a quick question. How the hell were they able to use Murphy's brain after taking a bullet to the head? They never explained that." Sean said as he picks up a Desert Eagle from off of his desk. "As most of you probably know, the Desert Eagle is a standardized .50 caliber round. That going through the human head would send most of it from the other side. See? Watch." Sean fires his gun off-screen until the classic head explosion scene from _Scanners_ plays, showing the man's head exploding. "Hoooooooooly shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt!"

 **Sean: (V/O) So after Murphy, well, uh, "dies", we're treated to the birth of RoboCop as we see what the world looks like with his new eyes.**

 _ **Bob Morton: We get the best of both worlds. The fastest reflex in modern technology has to offer on-board computer assistant memory and a lifetime of on the street law enforcement programming it is my great pleasure to present to you…RoboCop.**_

 _ **(OCP executives applaud after Morton reveals RoboCop)**_

 _ **Bob Morton: Come on. Come on. It's for you.**_

 _ **Donald Johnson: (Applauds) Go Robo.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) We then cut to the precinct, where it's a slow night. And OCP decides to move RoboCop into their precinct.**

 _ **Sgt. Reed: This is bullshit! I take my orders from…..**_

 _ **(Sgt. Reed, the prisoner and other officers see RoboCop enter the building)**_

 _ **Prisoner: What is this shit?**_

"Well, we're about to find out in part two of my _RoboCop_ review. And now for our commercial break." Sean said, picking up the remote and changing it to a commercial as the Little Baby's Ice Cream commercial starts playing until Sean screams in horror and turns off the television.

 **So, what did you think of part one of the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **RoboCop**_ **? I know that this was going to be one long review but I've decided to trim it down to either two or three parts. Or maybe four, depending on how long the review is going to be. After the** _ **RoboCo**_ **p (1987) review, which movie would you like the Mayhem Critic to review next? It would be either a movie from the 70s, 80s, 90s or right now. For the next review, I will be taking a look at either** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **,** _ **The Last Starfighter**_ **or** _ **Home Alone**_ **. Which one do you pick? I'll see you guys next time. Same Mayhem time, same Mayhem place.**


	2. Episode One Part II: Robocop

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you the continuation of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. So, let's not waste any time. Sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious review.**

 **Episode 1: RoboCop (Part II)**

 **(The title card appears, parodying the** _ **RoboCop**_ **poster, showing Sean the Mayhem Critic stepping out of the squad car wearing a blue Kentucky hoodie, jeans, sneakers and a RoboCop helmet.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The rest of the police officers decided to be nosy and check out what's going on and we see RoboCop. And now it's pretty much a whole bunch of technical exposition that Dr. Sigourney Gaines from** _ **I Am Frankie**_ **would probably explain to you, especially Donatello from** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **. Then, we get his prime directives.**

 _ **Bob Morton: What are you prime directives?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Serve the public trust. Protect the innocent. Uphold the law.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) After a protocol search, he finds a directive that he can't access.**

"And then we get to one of the most awesome parts about RoboCop." Sean said with a grin as it cuts to the shooting range scene.

 _ **Starkweather (Played by Tyrees Allen, credited as Tyress Allen): That fucking gun!**_

 **(RoboCop fires at the targets with his Auto-9 pistol, with the other officers, Johnson, Morton and Lewis watch on in amazement.)**

 _ **Manson: This guy is really good.**_

 _ **Ramirez (Played by Yolonda Adams): He's not a guy, he's a machine.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Then Lewis realizes something when she sees the way RoboCop handles his gun after using it.**

"And what we have that is about to come up next is the most awesome and memorable sequence in movie history where we see RoboCop in action for the first time. I ask you now to sit back and behold the awesome power that is Basil Poledouris!" Sean exclaimed as it cuts to RoboCop's first time on duty and the Epicness Meter showing up on the screen showing 5 Auto-9 popping up every time when the _RoboCop_ theme starts.

 **Sean: (V/O) Holy cow. That is the most awesome theme ever! Why couldn't the Nostalgia Critic add that them to his top 11 most awesome movie themes. He added** _ **Conan the Barbarian**_ **and Basil Poledouris composed the music for the movie. Anyway, back to RoboCop on duty as we see him foil a robbery at a convenient store.**

 **(RoboCop enters the convenient store as the Sterling Mark 6-wielding madman turns around and sees him.**

 _ **Hophead (Played by Mike Moroff): Why me.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Drop the gun. You are under arrest.**_

 _ **Hophead: (Shouting while shooting at RoboCop) Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me! Why me!**_

"Son of a bitch! Hold on, let me just do something real quick. I should've noticed the bad dubbing from the edited for television version. Shit!" Sean rolled his eyes as he removes the edited version of RoboCop out from his VHS player, then switches to his Blu-Ray player to watch the unedited version of the scene.

 _ **Hophead: Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!**_

"Uh, no. I would rather fuck Kristen Scott and Kimmy Granger in a threesome." Sean said, with one hand pointing to a still photo of Kristen Scott in the opening to Girlsway's The Faces of Alice and the other hand pointing to a photo of Kimmy Granger as a smile on his face appears.

 **(RoboCop bends the nose of Hophead's gun. Hophead tries to run away but RoboCop tosses him into a freezer. RoboCop turns to the grocery couple)**

 _ **RoboCop: Thank you for your co-operation. Good night.**_

 **(The next scene cuts to two men trying to rape a woman, played by actress/stuntwoman Donna Keegan)**

 _ **RoboCop: Let the woman go. You are under arrest.**_

 _ **Creep's Buddy: Shit!**_

 **(RoboCop draws his gun while the creep, played by William Shockley, credited as Bill Shockley holds the woman at knifepoint. RoboCop aims his gun without hurting the woman)**

 _ **Creep (Played by William Shockley) I'm gonna cut this bitch!**_

 **(RoboCop shoots through the woman's skirt, hitting the Creep's crotch, who then crumples to the ground screaming in pain and holding his bleeding groin)**

 _ **Creep: Oooow! Ooow-how-ha-how! Ahhhh!**_

"Where the hell was RoboCop at when Nick St. Clair tried to rape Cheryl Blossom on that episode of Riverdale?! Robo could've barged in and shot Nicky in the nuts. RoboCop in Riverdale. Make it happen!" Sean said, pointing to the camera.

 **Sean: (Narration) We then cut to City Hall where RoboCop saves the mayor, who was being held hostage by a deranged ex civil-servant who was disappointed that he didn't get elected.**

 _ **Ron Miller (Played by Mark Carlton): (Holds the mayor at gunpoint) Kiss the mayor's ass goodbye!**_

 **(RoboCop punches through the wall and grabs Miller)**

 _ **Scorpion: Get over here!**_

 **(RoboCop punches the ex civil-servant out the window)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile with Bob, who's now vice president at OCP, we're greeted with very pleasant toilet banter and bitching about Dick Jones, until they realizes that Jones was sitting in one of the stalls listening in. Boy, these guys are really scared of Ronny Cox. How scary is that guy?**

"Come on! You can't be that scared of a 48-year-old man. Ronny Cox is harmless like a baby bear." Sean said as a photo of Ronny Cox as Dr. John Gideon from St. Elsewhere pops up next to him. "I'm sure he's going to congratulate…."

 _ **Dick Jones: Congratulations, Bob.**_

 _ **Bob Morton: Thanks.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Hey, he did. I wonder what he's going to say next.**

 _ **Dick Jones: I remember when I was a young executive for this company. I used to call the Old Man funny names: Iron Butt, Boner… once I even called him…**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Airhead?**

 _ **Dick Jones: Asshole.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Awww. And then we see Dick's true colors.**

 _ **Dick Jones: I always knew where the line was drawn, and you just stepped over it, buddy-boy. You've insulted me and you've insulted this company with that bastard creation of yours.**_

"You're the one to talk, Dickhead. Your fucked up cyborg was not working all because of a "glitch". You're just jealous!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Dick Jones: Pretty simple math, huh, Bob? You just, uh…**_

"Uh, Dick. If you're in love with Bob, just tell him by making a move on…." Sean said until Dick grabs Morton's hair.

 _ **Dick Jones: …fucked with the wrong guy.**_

 _ **Bob Morton: (Removes Jones' hand from his hair) You're out of your fucking mind.**_

 _ **Dick Jones: You'd better pray that that unholy monster of yours doesn't screw up.**_

 **(A clip from Total Recall, the 1990 version plays)**

 _ **Vilos Cohaagen (Played by Ronny Cox): Or otherwise I'll erase your ass.**_

The scene goes back to Sean, who is hiding underneath his desk and peeks up, only to see his eyes. "I'm afraid you now, Ronny Cox! You're sick, Ronny Cox! You're sick!" He screamed before showing the photo of Ronny Cox from before, this time with devil horns and a thin mustache added with the theme song Ave Satani from The Omen playing in the background.

 **Sean: (Narration) At the precinct, RoboCop starts having flashbacks and having a nightmare about Clarence and his men killing him before he became RoboCop.**

 **(The nightmare ends with a shot of Clarence delivering the final blow)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Robo leaves and the idiot scientists are surprised that a robot with a human mind starts walking on his own. However, he doesn't have enough of his memory back to recognize Lewis when she's right in front of him but she recognizes him, putting two and two together.**

 _ **Lewis: Murphy, it's you. You really don't remember me, do you?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there's a crime happening.**_

 _ **Roosevelt (Played by Stephen Berrier): This cop saw fit to question him.**_

 _ **Lewis: I asked him his name. He didn't know.**_

 _ **Bob Morton: He doesn't have a name. He's got a program. He's product. Is that clear?**_

 _ **Lewis: I fucked up.**_

 _ **Sgt. Reed: Forget it, kid. This guy's a serious asshole.**_

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Sean nodded.

 **Sean: (Narration) We then cut to one of Clarence's goons, Emil, who's robbing a gas station.**

 _ **Emil: Don't do nothing stupid, man. I'm a good shot. I can hit you in the eye from here.**_

The scene then cuts to Sean raising his eyebrow and scoffed at Emil. "Really? You can hit him in the eye from where you're standing? Dude, you're holding an Ingram Mac-10 fitted with a recoil compensator and a modified folding stock." He says then picks up his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol from off of his table. "Meet Frankie, my gun. I can hit somebody in the head from where I'm sitting." He says, firing his pistol, which cuts to the scene from the 1991 movie Regarding Henry where Henry gets shot in the head.

 _ **Henry Turner (Played by Harrison Ford): (After Sean shoots off-screen, hitting the character in the head) All right…wait a minute…wi…will you just wait a minute.**_

 _ **(Henry walks out of the store and collapses to the ground)**_

"That was my lawyer. Eh, never liked him anyway. He was an asshole." Sean said, sitting his gun down on his desk.

 _ **RoboCop: (Points his gun at Emil) Drop it! Dead or alive, you're coming with me.**_

 _ **Emil: (Realizes who he is) I know you. You're dead. We killed you!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, yeah. Let's shoot around gasoline. Have I seen this guy on Tru TV's World's Dumbest Outlaws?**

 **(RoboCop shoots at Emil's bike, disabling it, causing Emil to crash in to a car, sending him flying with the Goofy yell playing through it.)**

 _ **RoboCop: (Grabs Emil) Who are you?**_

 **Sean: (Narration) After arresting Emil, RoboCop goes to find out who he is.**

 _ **Cecil the Clerk (Played by Laird Stuart): This is a restricted area.**_

 **(Cuts to a clip of** _ **The Terminator**_ **, showing the Terminator's six possible responses: Yes/No, Or What?, Go Away, Please Come Back Later, Fuck You, Asshole and Fuck You)**

 **(The clip ends cutting back to RoboCop bringing out his neural spike)**

 _ **Terminator: (V/O) Fuck you, asshole.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) RoboCop connects to the police database, and looks up Emil and some possible connections to him, revealing some known associates Leon, Joe, Minh and the derange MoFo Clarence Boddicker and after some searching he finds out that he's legally dead. RoboCop goes back to his former home to try to jog his memory.**

 **(RoboCop enters his former home and remembers his past life as Alex Murphy.)**

"And now he's mad as hell and he wants revenge on the people who killed him. Revenge from beyond the grave. Not that many people get that chance. Except for Patrick Swayze in Ghost."

 _ **RoboCop: Where is Clarence Boddicker?**_

 **(Leon pulls his gun out but RoboCop knocks it out of his hand sending it flying until a guest catches it and continues to dance)**

 _ **Leon: (Laughs) Okay. (Tries to kick RoboCop in the groin, but hurts himself in the process and screams in pain)**_

 **(We then cut to a cameo of Paul Verhoeven as the Dancing Man)**

"And yes, that is director Paul Verhoeven in a small cameo. He's available to dance in wedding, birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs…weddings and Bar Mitzvahs." Sean said.

 _ **RoboCop: Let's talk.**_

 _ **Leon: (After RoboCop grabs his hair and pulls him away) AHHHHHHHHHH!**_

 **(The next scene cuts to Bob Morton at his house sniffing cocaine with two beautiful women, played by Diane Robin and Adrianne Sachs)**

 **Sean: (Narration) We then cut to yuppies and what they do in their spare time, coke and each other.**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Chappelle's Show**_ **Rick James episode plays)**

 _ **Rick James: Cocaine's a hell of a drug.**_

"Shut up." Sean said before turning back to the review.

 **Sean: (Narration) But Bob's coke-fueled threesome gets interrupted when somebody decides to cockblock him.**

 **(Clarence Boddicker enters Bob's house and points the gun at him)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Bitches, leave!**_

"Wow, what a real gentleman. Maybe he doesn't respect women or he's living the thug life!" Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.

 **(Cut to the cutaway gag)**

 **Clarence Boddicker: Bitches, leave!**

 **(It cuts to a photo of Kurtwood Smith as Red Foreman with glasses, gold chains and a joint in his mouth while Dr. Dre's** _ **The Next Episode**_ **starts playing.)**

"He knows how to keep bitches in line." Sean said, nodding his head.

 _ **Bob Morton: If you think you're gonna get away with this you got….**_

 **(Clarence shoots Bob in the leg)**

 _ **Bob Morton: (Yells and falls to the floor) God damn it!**_

 **(Clarence shoots Bob three more times in the legs while Bob screams in pain)**

 _ **Bob: Stop! I'll give you anything you want! Just please, please don't kill me. All right?**_

Sean makes a confused look after watching that scene. "Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. Hold on. I don't know how much coke you need to effect on you but why did that guy puss out in the last minute?" Sean asked. "Remember on Scarface when Sosa's men were gunning Tony Montana down. It didn't even phase him. But when Clarence Boddicker shoots George Clooney's cousin in the legs, he acts like a pussy. Dude, you were Shan Yu on Disney's Mulan, you were Deathstroke on Teen Titans: The Judas Contract, both of those animated villains were armed with swords, don't be afraid to cut that psychotic bitch!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (V/O) Boy, if Clarence Boddicker was on** _ **The Wolf of Wall Street**_ **and shot Jordan Belfort in the ass, it wouldn't take effect on him because he'll have all kinds of drugs in his system. Enough of me bitching, we find out who Clarence's boss is and it is revealed to be….**

 **(Dramatic Sound Effect plays, Dun Dun Duuuun!)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Yes. Dick Jones hired Clarence Boddicker to kill Bob Morton and he gives him a little message before he dies.**

 _ **Dick Jones: Pathetic. You don't feel so cocky now, do ya, Bob?**_

 _ **Bob Morton: Whatever he's paying you, I'll double it right now.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) A fine time to be begging for your life.**

 **(Clarence pulls out a grenade with a pin in it, pulling the pin out with his tongue, setting the timer)**

 _ **Dick Jones: I'm cashing you out, Bob.**_

 **(Morton fails to get a firm grip on the rolling grenade and we see Jones' smiling face just before the house explodes)**

"Damn! Bob was hoping to get blown by two hot babes. I didn't expect him to get blown by a grenade." Sean said doing his imitation of the Cinema Snob before cutting to the next scene.

 **Sean: (Narration) The next day, at a full-fledged cocaine factory, Boddicker has a meeting with Sal, a producer of cocaine in Old Detroit. He's played by Lee de Broux.**

"Who you might recognize him from….where the hell is he from?" Sean asked as a poster of the movie Hangfire pops up. "Ok. Anything else?" He asked until a clip from the 1996 movie Skyscraper plays, showing the late Anna Nicole Smith in a steamy shower scene, showing her nude. Then it cuts to Sean, his eyes widened with a big smile on his face. "Okay, I need to review this movie!"

 _ **Sal (Played by Lee de Broux): I set the prices, hear?**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Listen, pal. Maybe you haven't heard…**_

 **Sean: (V/O) That you keep calling your son a dumbass?**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: I'm the guy in Old Detroit. You want space in my marketplace, you're gonna have to give me a volume discount. Joe, show the man what we brought him for Christmas.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) And his Christmas gift is a bunch of drug money. Hope that Sal takes it.**

 _ **Sal: You make a lot of my friends nervous. A lot of people would love to see a guy like me put a guy like you out of business.**_

"You're not the only one." Sean scoffed.

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: I got the muscle to shove enough of this factory so far up your stupid wop ass that you'll shit snow for a year.**_

 **(Everybody pull their guns out)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Ooh guns, guns, guns!**_

"Uh, I think the threat that Clarence was going to say to Sal was much different." Sean said before cutting back to the scene, tweaking it up a bit.

 **Red Foreman: (V/O. His line replacing Clarence's)** _ **I wish I had 2,000 feet so I can put 500 of them in each of your asses!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) But their deal is put on hold when someone crashes the party.**

"Okay, we have RoboCop versus Red Foreman and his boys. They're armed with shotguns and machine guns. We can go for arrest mode. Or let this epic scene play out." Sean said.

 _ **RoboCop: Come quietly or there will be trouble.**_

 _ **Steve Minh: Oh, (cocks shotgun) fuck you!**_

 **(Minh fires his gun as everybody starts shooting at RoboCop. Bullets start bouncing off of his armor as RoboCop starts walking and shooting at every single armed thug while the Epicness Meter starts rising while the RoboCop theme music builds to a big payoff. RoboCop shoots Minh, causing him to hit Joe in the face and send him falling into boxes.**

"Sean, the Epicness Meter is off the charts." Brian said as Sean notices how high it is.

"It's over 9,000!" Sean yells out, breaking his own glasses. "Oh, crap!"

 **Sean: (Narration) And now, it's Clarence's turn. It's time for RoboCop to arrest him before Clarence starts acting like a whiny little bitch when he makes a confession by blurting out Dick Jones' name while RoboCop records the whole thing. Boy, for a violent criminal in Old Detroit, he sure has a big mouth.**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: I work for Dick Jones. Dick Jones! He's the number two guy at OCP. OCP run the cops!**_

 **(RoboCop tries to strangle Clarence)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: You're a cop. Cop!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) But Robo's program intervenes and prevents him from killing Clarence in cold blood)**

 _ **RoboCop: Yes, I am a cop.**_

 **(The next scene cuts to RoboCop bringing Clarence in)**

 _ **RoboCop: Book him.**_

 _ **Sgt. Reed: What's the charge?  
**_

 _ **RoboCop: He's a cop killer.**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: (After spitting blood on the front desk) Just give me my fucking phone call.**_

"You better wipe that blood off of my desk or I'll do some serious police brutality on you. And that involves breaking my foot off in your ass!" Sean yelled before cutting back to the film.

 **Sean: (Narration) Anyway, time to get the big boss.**

 _ **Dick Jones: (After RoboCop enters his office) Come in, officer. You know, I usually don't see anyone with an appointment, but your case I'll make an exception.**_

 _ **RoboCop: You are under arrest.**_

 _ **Dick Jones: Oh? On what charge?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Aiding and abetting a known felon.**_

 _ **Dick Jones: You better take me in.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **plays)**

 _ **Admiral Akbar: It's a trap!**_

 **(Cutting back to where RoboCop's prime directive prevents him from arresting Jones and is trying to fight it)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Which brings us back to Directive 4. Yep, the man inside the machine is classed as a product.**

 _ **Dick Jones: You're our product, and we can't very well have our products turning against us, can we?**_

 **(RoboCop draws his gun, but drops it)**

 _ **Dick Jones: Maybe you'd like to meet a friend of mine.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) And now completely expendable. Say hello to ED-209 again.**

 **(ED-209 marches into the room)**

 _ **Dick Jones: I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake.**_

Sean stays silent for a moment. "Okay, you didn't think that I was going to talk about this? Doesn't he know that he can record every word he says. He just revealed to RoboCop that he murdered Bob Morton. My friend, you are an ass that is dumb. You're…you're…." Sean says until a light shines on him with a heavenly choir playing in the background. "A dumbass!"

 **Sean: (Narration) Anyway, let's watch some Battle Bots, where Robo is about to go toe to toe with ED-20-(Sees ED-209 shoot RoboCop with it's heavy cannons) Jesus!**

 **(The clip show RoboCop getting attacked by ED-209, then he destroys one of the deadly cyborg's heavy cannon, then tries to get away while the cyborg is shooting at him)**

 **Sean: (Narration) And finally enough, a set of stairs is what stops ED-209.**

 **Sean: (V/O as ED-209) Uh, okay. I've seen people do this. Alright, this is baby steps. Baby steps.**

 **(ED-209 takes the first step)**

 **Sean: (V/O as ED-209) Ah, easy. Now I'm gonna come down and…. (ED-209 falls down the stairs) OH, SHIT!**

 **(ED-209 squeals and flails it's legs)**

"Okay, did the programmer put "Throw a temper tantrum like a toddler" in the subtext?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narration) Then from out of nowhere, the police S.W.A.T. team led by Lt. Hedgecock, played by Michael Gregory, arrive to try to kill RoboCop.**

 _ **Kaplan: Hey, wait a second!**_

 _ **Manson: He's a cop, for God's sake!**_

 _ **Ramirez: Hedgecock, you can't do that!**_ **  
**

 _ **Lt. Hedgecock (Played by Michael Gregory) We have orders to destroy it!**_

 _ **Manson: Oh, shit!**_

 _ **Kaplan: You're maniacs!**_

"See, this is why I don't like you on the animated series, Hedgecock. Because you're an asshole!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narration) So, the cops start shooting at RoboCop while he tries to make his escape. He makes two kamikaze dives and it's Officer Lewis to the rescue.**

 _ **Lewis: Murphy, it's me. Lewis.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Yeah, psychic cop.**

"I wonder what's on Media Break right now." Sean said as he picks up the remote from off of his desk and changes the channel to watch Media Break.

 _ **Jess Perkins: Good evening, I'm Jess Perkins with Casey Wong. Top story: Santa Barbara. 10, 000 acres of wooded residential land were scorched in an instant when a laser cannon aboard the Strategic Defense Peace Platform misfired today during routine strtup tests. Casey?**_

 _ **Casey Wong: Yes, it was a day of mourning for the families of 113 known dead at this hour. Among them: two former United States presidents who had retired in the Santa Barbara area. A day of mourning for a country.**_

"Jeez. Were those two former presidents Donald Trump and George W. Bush?" Sean asked before cutting back to the news break.

 _ **Jess Perkins: Police union representatives and OCP continued negotiations today in hopes of averting a citywide strike by police scheduled to begin tomorrow at midnight. Justin Ballard-Watkins has more.**_

 _ **Justin Ballard-Watkins (Played by Bill Farmer): They're still on duty. But what about tomorrow? That's the question we put to people in the crime-plagued Lexington area.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **A Goofy Movie**_ **plays)**

 _ **Goofy: Look, Max.**_

 _ **Max: Uh, d-d-dad…IT'S BIGFOOT!**_

 _ **Goofy: Could you back up a bit, Mr. Foot? You're out of focus.**_

"Yep. That's the same guy who played the voice of Goofy on _Goof Troop_ and _A Goofy Movie_ and _Kingdom Hearts_." Sean said, mentioning Bill Farmer.

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile back at OCP, Clarence goes to see Dickhead Jones and the deal is struck.**

 _ **Dick Jones: He's a cyborg, you idiot! He recorded every word you said. His memory's admissible as evidence! You're gonna have to kill it.**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Your company built the fucking thing! Now I gotta deal with it?**_

 **(A clip from That 70's Show starts playing)**

 _ **Red Foreman: The reason that bad things happen to you, is because you're a dumbass.**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: I don't have time for this bullshit!**_

 **(Clarence starts heading out the doors but Dick recaptures his interests)**

 _ **Dick Jones: But Delta City begins construction in two months. That's two million workers living in trailers. That means drugs, gambling, prostitution – virgin territory for the man who know how to open up new markets.**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Well, I guess we're gonna be friends after all… Richard.**_

 _ **Dick Jones: (Tosses RoboCop's tracking device to Clarence): Destroy it.**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Gonna need some major firepower. You got access to military weaponry?**_

 _ **Dick Jones: We practically are the military.**_

"Corporate politics in the 80s. It's so much fun!" Sean smiles with two thumbs up.

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, Murphy and Lewis are hiding out at the abandoned steel mill, wait… why are you hiding out there when you know Clarence and his cronies were holed up there at one point? That's the first place that they'll go while they're hunting you down. Anyway, Lewis brings Murphy some supplies and she mentions the strike that was talked about earlier and it is in full force. And for the first time since the operation, Murphy removes his helmet and sees his own face.**

 _ **RoboCop: You may not like what you're going to see.**_

 **(RoboCop takes off his helmet as Lewis picks up a piece of steel for Murphy to see his reflection)**

 _ **Lewis: It's really good to see you again, Murphy.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Murphy had a wife and son, what happened to them?**_

 _ **Lewis: Well after the funeral, she moved away.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Where did they go?**_

 _ **Lewis: She thought you were dead. She started over again.**_

Sean scoffs. "The lucky ones who actually had a family to remember them.

 _ **RoboCop: I can feel them but I can't remember them.**_

"Yikes." Sean said. "Onto the next scene."

 _ **Bixby Snyder: I'd buy that for a dollar.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, chaos ensues on the streets of Detroit. Wow, Detroit never takes a day off from being Detroit, huh? It's Detroit every day. And Clarence introduces his gang who just got of jail to some new firepower.**

 _ **Joe Cox (Played by Jesse D. Goins): (Seeing Clarence take out a Cobra Assault cannon) Whoa! A new toy! Can I play?**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: (Aims the assault cannon at Joe's 6000 SUX) Huh? Watch this….**_

 _ **Joe Cox: Wait…wait a minute, Clarence! Clarence!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, no! Wait my CDs!**

 **(Clarence fires as the car explodes into flames)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Cobra Assault Cannon – state of the art- bang bang!**_

"Dude, that's a Barrett Light Fifty with explosive rounds. That… is…. awesome!" Sean exclaimed with a big smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narration) Back at the mill, Murphy decides to do some DIY aiming.**

 **(Murphy fires his gun as Lewis wakes up)**

 _ **Lewis: What are you doing?**_

 _ **RoboCop: (Fires his gun again) My targeting system is a little messed up. Aim for me.**_

 **(Lewis helps Murphy aim as he fires his gun and shoots at the jars of baby food)**

 _ **Lewis: I figure that's dead-on.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Thank you.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) And speak of the devil, Clarence and his cronies arrive and….**

 _ **Joe: (Shouts) The wrecking crew is here! Where is that metallic mother….**_

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Give that up, man!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Subtlety thrown out the window. And these clowns prove themselves to be extremely bad shots.**

 **(RoboCop throws something as a distraction, as Clarence, Joe and Leon start firing)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Damn it! Shit!**_

"Uh, what was it that Emil said again?" Sean asked before cutting back to the scene where Emil robs a gas station.

 _ **Emil: I'm a good shot. I can hit you in the eye from here.**_

"Bullshit!" Sean points.

 _ **RoboCop: Looking for me?**_

 **(Clarence, Leon and Joe turn to see RoboCop. RoboCop fires his gun at Joe, shooting him three times and killing him. We then cut to Emil, who's in the van about to run Robo over)**

 _ **Emil: Okay! Now I've got ya!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Emil knew, he fucked up.**

 **(RoboCop fires his Auto-9 at the van. Emil ducks as RoboCop dodges the van)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Emily tries to ram RoboCop with his van, but instead hits a vat of toxic waste and he comes out looking like…..**

 **(Emil comes out of the van, with horrific results and starts howling like a wolf)**

"Ahhhhh! It's the Toxic Walking Dead!" Sean screams and hides under his desk.

 **Sean: (Narration) We then cut to Lewis going after Boddicker, and we cut to….**

 _ **Leon (Played by Ray Wise): (Screams after seeing Emil)**_

 _ **Emil: (Dying after taking an acid bath) Help meeeee….**_

 _ **Leon: Don't touch me, man!**_

 **(The next scene cuts to a dying Emil, who's in the way of Lewis and Clarence. Clarence sees Emil and runs into him with his car, turning Emil into a liquid mess)**

 _ **Clarence: Shit!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) After hitting Emil with his car, Clarence goes off the edge of a cliff but survives to shoot Lewis, and he's about to kill her when Robo shows up)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: (About to kill Lewis) Bye-bye, baby!**_

 _ **RoboCop: Clarence!**_

 **(The theme to** _ **Mighty Mouse**_ **plays. "** _ **Here I come to save the day!**_ **")**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: (Throws his gun) Okay, I give up.**_

 _ **RoboCop: I'm not arresting you any more.**_

Sean looks up, cutting to Leon getting ready to drop a load of steel and debris on RoboCop while RoboCop is about to shoot him. "Uh, Robo. Uh, dude. Look up. Screw, Boddicker. Look up. You stupid idiot, look up!" Sean yelled.

 **(Leon drops a load of steel and debris on RoboCop)**

 _ **Leon: Die, you bastard. I got him, Clarence! I got him!**_

 **(Lewis fires the Cobra Assault Cannon at Leon and blows him up)**

 **Sean: (Narration) After seeing his buddy getting blown away, Clarence decides to finish the job on RoboCop and tries to kill him by stabbing him in the chest.**

 **(RoboCop yells after Clarence stabs him in the chest with a metal rod)**

 _ **Clarence Boddicker: Sayonara, RoboCop!**_

"Hey, Clarence! Sayonara, dumbass!" Sean yelled, putting up the middle finger before cutting back to RoboCop stabbing Clarence in the throat with his data spike, instantly killing him.

 _ **RoboCop: Lewis!**_

 _ **Lewis: Murphy, I'm a mess.**_

 _ **RoboCop: They'll fix you. They fix everything.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) And now, it's time for some unfinished business. RoboCop returns to OCP Headquarters, where Dickhead Jones is still bragging about how good the ED-209 unit is.**

 _ **Dick Jones: I've got one downstairs guarding the building.**_

 **(The scene cuts to ED-209, who's guarding the building and sees RoboCop driving up to the OCP entrance)**

 _ **ED-209: You are illegally parked on private property. You have twenty seconds to move your vehicle.**_

 **(Cutaway gag)**

"Oh, no. ED-209 is about to kill me with it's big guns. What ever should I do?" Sean asked as he hears someone knocking on the door. He gets up from out of his chair and leaves his office, making his way to the front door and opening it up, only to see a UPS delivery man and a big box.

"I have a delivery for the Mayhem Critic." The delivery man said.

"That's me." Sean said as the delivery man hands him a clipboard and a pen for him to sign before he hands him the package.

Sean grabs the package and heads back into his office, setting it down on his desk and grabbed a box cutter to open it up, only to find a Cobra Assault Cannon.

"Ooh, this looks promising." Sean picks up the weapon and aims it at the robot, shooting at it two times as we cut to a clip of ED-209 exploding. "Ah, the Cobra Assault Cannon. Never leave home without it." Sean said as he kisses the gun.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then RoboCop storms the boardroom to arrest Dick Jones.**

 _ **The Old Man: How can we help you, officer?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Dick Jones is wanted for murder.**_

 _ **Dick Jones: This is absurd! That thing… is a violent mechanical psychopath!**_

 _ **The Old Man: These are serious charges. What is your evidence?**_

 **(RoboCop inserts his data spike into the wall socket, a video starts to play)**

 **Sean: (Narration) RoboCop plays Dick Jones confession about killing Morton. And thinking fast, Dick pulls a gun out on The Old Man.**

 _ **Dick Jones: Anybody tries to stop me… the old geezer gets it.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Dick….**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Apprentice**_ **plays)**

 _ **Donald Trump (Hits desk) You're fired.**_

 **(The Old Man jabs Dick Jones from behind his elbow, RoboCop starts shooting at Jones, Jones falls through a glass window to the ground and dies)**

 _ **The Old Man: Nice shooting son, what's your name?**_

 _ **RoboCop: (Turns and smiles) Murphy.**_

 **(The** _ **RoboCop**_ **theme plays as the end credits roll)**

"And that was _RoboCop_. So how does it hold up after thirty years? I would have to say it's an awesome classic." Sean said as clips from the movie play. "This movie has that _Day After Tomorrow_ -feel. It's a good science fiction film. It's dark, gritty and ultraviolent. It is so violent that it earned the X rating. This is one my and everybody's favorite action film. Sadly, Peter Weller didn't become a big action star like Schwarzenegger and Stallone. _RoboCop_ is so good, that it won an Academy Award for best sound editing for Stephen Hunter Flick and John Pospisil, they did a hell of a job on that movie. Cited as one of the best films of 1987, the film spawned a franchise that included merchandise like action figures _, RoboCop_ lunchboxes, two sequels, two animated TV series, video games, a television series and a TV miniseries and a number of comic book adaptations and crossovers. If you haven't seen this movie, give it watch. My final rating for this film, I'm giving it 5 Auto-9s out of 5. You'll truly be proud of this film. I'm the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Sayonara, RoboCop!**_

 **And that was the conclusion to the Mayhem Critic's review of RoboCop. What did you think of the conclusion of the review? I hope that you liked some of the cutting gags and references. Which ones was your favorite? For the next review, which would you like to see next: Mask of the Phantasm, The Last Starfighter or Home Alone? Make sure to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	3. Episode Two Part I: Home Alone

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. In today's review, the Mayhem Critic tackles the holiday season. What better to start the holiday season off is to review the classic Christmas movie,** _ **Home Alone**_ **. As before,I owned nothing involved in these episodes and all material belongs to their respective sources. So here it is, episode two of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **Episode Two: Home Alone (Part I)**

Sean enters the living room and sits down on the couch, drinking some coffee from out of his Kylo Ren coffee mug. He sighs as he picks up the remote from off of the coffee table, turning on the television only to see a Christmas movie playing on Hallmark Channel in the middle of November.

"We now return to _Christmas in the Heartland_. Only on the Hallmark Channel." The announcer said.

"Oh, come on. I wanted to watch _Murder, She Wrote_. Not Christmas movies. It's too early for that." Sean said, picking up the remote again, changing the channel to Disney Channel. "Maybe _Girl Meets World_ is on."

"It's finally here. I'm Peyton Elizabeth Lee from _Andi Mack_. And you're watching Fa-La-La-Lidays on Disney Channel." The _Andi Mack_ actress said.

"Son of a bitch. Why are they showing Christmas stuff in November? It's too early. I need to listen to some music. Maybe some Kenny Loggins would do to help me unwind." Sean said as he turns the television off and turns the radio on, only to hear _The Twelve Days of Christmas_ playing. The young critic's eyes widened as he screamed in terror before picking up his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol and shoots at the radio.

Sean once again is seen sitting behind his desk, getting ready to start his next review. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one. People, why are we trying to start Christmas early? Couldn't you just wait till Thanksgiving is over? Hell, the Hallmark Channel and Hallmark Movies & Mysteries started showing Christmas movies in October. You see, I usually wait till after Thanksgiving or I start on December to watch my Christmas shows. And preparing for _Star Wars: The Last Jedi_. But today's review deals with family." Sean said before cutting to a clip of today's review.

 _ **Kevin (Played by Macauley Culkin): This house is so full of people, it makes me sick!**_

"Togetherness." Sean said.

 _ **Kate (Played by Catherine O'Hara): Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.**_

 _ **Kevin: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life.**_

"And goodwill towards all men." Sean said.

 _ **Marv (Played by Daniel Stern): (Screams like a girl after a tarantula is placed on his face.**_

"Okay, today's example is rather unconventional. But what's there to say about _Home Alone_?" Sean asked as clips from _Home Alone_ start playing. "It became the highest-grossing comedy film of all time in the United States. A little history about _Home Alone_ , originally it was a Warner Bros. production until 20th Century Fox took over, the budget grew from $14 to $17 million. Director Chris Columbus' work on Home Alone began several years earlier when the late John Hughes helped him secure a directing job for _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_. Well, things ended poorly because of a clash between Columbus and Chevy Chase, leading to Columbus to leave the project. Hughes gave him the script and he accepted it. Now, to choose the lead role, so Hughes picked Macauley Culkin, who starred in a little movie that Hughes directed called _Uncle Buck_. But yeah, here's the thing about _Home Alone_ , it's so popular that we accidentally made it the definitive Christmas movie. Despite the fact that the movie is quite violent and a bit profane for a PG movie.

 _ **Kevin: Ass.**_

 _ **Uncle Frank (Played by Gerry Bamman): Jerk!**_

 _ **Buzz (Played by Devin Ratray): Butt. Ass.**_

 _ **Harry: Damn.**_

 _ **Buzz: Jerk.**_

 _ **Marv: Shit.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Good Son**_ **plays)**

 _ **Henry (Played by Macauley Culkin): Don't fuck with me.**_

"Okay, I'm kidding. That last clip was from _The Good Son_." Sean said. "This film still has the heart and soul to it combined with slapstick humor makes this the greatest Christmas movie ever. So, without further ado, here's _Home Alone_.

 **(A poster parodying the** _ **Home Alone**_ **movie poster with Sean as Kevin shows up before the review starts)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Our film opens in a quiet little suburb in Chicago where the McCallister family are preparing to spend Christmas in Paris. Peter and Kate's youngest son, Kevin is a little short on things to do, until….**

 _ **Aunt Leslie (Played by Terrie Snell): You're getting heavy. Go pack your suitcase.**_

 _ **Kevin: (Breaks the fourth wall) Pack my suitcase?**_

 **(Cuts to the next scene)**

 _ **Sondra: Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller?**_

 _ **Fuller: I don't live here!**_

"Wait a minute. I know this is an odd thing to nitpick on but why did they cut to this scene? I mean saying something dramatic is an odd thing to lead on." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Aunt Leslie: Go pack your suitcase.**

 **Sean: (Looking helpless) Pack my suitcase? Mom!**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, since Kevin's a little clueless in the art of packing a suitcase, he asks his older siblings for some help but they start to ridicule him.**

 _ **Megan (Played by Hillary Wolf): You're completely helpless.**_

 _ **Linnie (Played by Angela Goethals): Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know mom's not gonna pack your suitcase. You're what the French called, "Les Incompetent".**_

 _ **Kevin: What?**_

"Oh, really? You're what the French called les fuck you!" Sean said, whipping out two middle fingers.

 _ **Linnie: P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink he'll wet the bed.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Ewww! So, he's the drunk guy who peed on his bed from** _ **World's Dumbest Partiers**_ **. My god, what's with this family? They're being a bunch of assholes to this kid who doesn't know how to pack a suitcase.**

 _ **Kevin: This house is so full of people, it makes me sick!**_

"Yeah! You tell 'em, Kevin!" Sean cheered.

 _ **Kevin: When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.**_

"Yeah, wait what the fu…? What are you talking about?" Sean asked, raising his arms.

 _ **Kevin: Do you hear me? (Jumps up and down) I'm living alone! I'm living alone!**_

"I'm not sure how those wedding vows would work." Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean is the groom and a brunette female named Alex is the bride are getting married while a priest is going over their vows.)**

 **Priest: Sean, do you take Alexandra to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do you part? P.S.: Alex should stay the fuck out of your property.**

 **Sean and Alex: Huh?**

 **Priest: Just say "I do."**

 **Sean: (Narration) While Kevin is throwing a mini temper tantrum like a customer from** _ **Hardcore Pawn**_ **, we meet his older brother Buzz….**

 **(A photo of Buzz Cooper Sr. from the soap opera** _ **Guiding Light**_ **pops up.)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Wrong Buzz.**

 **(A photo of Buzz Lightyear from** _ **Toy Story**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) No.**

 **(A photo of astronaut Buzz Aldrin pops up.**

 **Sean: (V/O) That's Buzz Aldrin!**

 **(A photo of Bubsy Bobcat pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, Christ! I didn't say Bubsy Fucking Bobcat!**

 **(A photo of Buzz's portrayer Devin Ratray pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Thank you.**

 _ **Rod (Played by Jedidiah Cohen): Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?**_

 _ **Buzz (Played by Devin Ratray): He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?**_

 _ **Rod: Some don't.**_

 _ **Buzz: But they got nude beaches.**_

 _ **Rod: Not in the winter.**_

"Interesting question. Do French babes shave their pits. That's a question for all ages. What is the meaning of life? Who shot JR? Who shot Mr. Burns? Who shot Roger Thorpe? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Do French babes shave their pits? The world may never know." Sean said before cutting back to the scene.

 _ **Kevin: Buzz.**_

 _ **Buzz: Don't you know how to knock, phlem-wad?**_

 _ **Kevin: Could I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.**_

 _ **Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you're growing on my butt!**_

"Goddamn it! I did it again! Why is it every time I hear bad dubbing I keep playing the edited version?!" Sean asked, taking the edited-for-TV version of _Home Alone_ out from the VHS player, then switches to his Blu-Ray to play the DVD.

 _ **Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you're growing on my ass!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Ah, there we go.**

 _ **Buzz: Hey, check it out. Old Man Marley.**_

 **(Buzz, Rod and Kevin walk over to the window to see Old Man Marley, played by the late Roberts Blossom, shoveling the snow.)**

 _ **Rod: Who's he?**_

 _ **Buzz: You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?**_

 _ **Rod: No.**_

"The South Bend Shovel Slayer? Oh, god. How could you not have heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer? This guy has his own Facebook page. Don't believe me, check it out." Sean said, picking up his tablet and showing the South Bend Shovel Slayer's Facebook page. "And by the way, don't go out at night."

 _ **Buzz: He walks up and down the street every night salting the sidewalks.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Cheers**_ **season ten episode** _ **Bar Wars VI: This Time It's For Real**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt) That bastard! Let's get him!**_

 **(Marley looks up at the boys)**

 _ **Rod: Look out!**_

 **(They close the drapes and run)**

Sean yelps like a girl and ducks under his desk. "Is he gone? Good. Anyway after Old Man Marley scares the kids off, it's pizza time!"

 **(The scene cuts to Buzz stuffing his face with pizza)**

 _ **Kevin: (After looking for the cheese pizza) Did anyone order me a plain cheese?**_

 _ **Buzz: Oh, yeah we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up and it's gone.**_

"Ewww! Disgusting! Give the kid his cheese pizza. I know I get a little finicky if I don't get my pepperoni pizza.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Alex, Nicole and Carson are in the kitchen eating pizza. Sean enters the kitchen to look for the pepperoni pizza.)**

 **Sean: Hey, where's the pepperoni pizza.**

 **Carson: We ate all of the pepperoni pizza.**

 **Nicole: All that's left is the cheese pizza.**

 **(Brian enters with a bottle of root beer and sausage pizza.)**

 **Brian: Hey, who wants root beer and sausage pizza?**

 **Sean: I hate sausage pizza!**

 **(Sean throws an Angry Grandpa-style temper tantrum by throwing the cheese pizzas down on the floor.)**

 _ **Aunt Leslie: Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi.**_

 **(Fuller, played by Macauley's brother Kieran Culkin, sips his can of Pepsi and looks at Kevin before cutting back to Sean, who has a disgusted yet uncomfortable look on his face.)**

"Uh, I don't like how his cousin Fuller is staring at him like that." Sean said before cutting back to a smiling Fuller. "He's purposely drinking loads of Pepsi to heighten his chance of wetting the bed. What? Does Fuller have a messed-up fetish for peeing on people like R. Kelly?"

 _ **Harry (Played by Joe Pesci): You're sick, you know that? You're really sick.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Kevin gets upset at Buzz for eating the last cheese pizza and causes a ruckus. In which his family gets royally pissed at him.**

 _ **Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.**_

 _ **Kevin: Why?**_

 **Sean (Replacing Jeff): Hey Kevin, do we have any more pepperoni pizza left?**

 _ **Kevin: Shut up.**_

 **Sean: No, you shut up you ungrateful little bastard!**

 _ **Peter (Played by the late John Heard): Kevin, upstairs.**_

 **Sean: Don't send him upstairs! The little shit is about to get his ass beat! (Sean takes off his belt) Who the hell does he think he is to talk to me like that?**

 _ **Kate: (Sending Kevin upstairs) There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one that has to make trouble.**_

 _ **Kevin: I'm the only one getting dumped on.**_

 _ **Kate: You're the only one getting punished now get upstairs.**_

 **(Kate opens the door to the third floor)**

 _ **Kevin: It's scary up there.**_

 _ **Kate: Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.**_

 _ **Kevin: I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him: he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it.**_

We then cut back to Sean, who is dressed as R. Kelly while singing the chorus to the song from _Chappelle's Show_ called _I Wanna Piss on You_. "Haters wanna hate. Lovers wanna love. I don't even want none of the above. I want to piss on you. Yes I do, I'll piss on you. I'll you." Sean sang.

 **Sean: (Narration) Then Kevin gets into an argument with his mother and says this to her.**

 _ **Kevin: I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!**_

 _ **Kate: Just stay up there! I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.**_

 _ **Kevin: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.**_

 _ **Kate: I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.**_

 _ **Kevin: I hope I never see any of you jerks again.**_

 **(Kevin walks upstairs as Kate closes the door)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Kevin spends the night up in the third floor, wishing that his family would just disappear before we see how windy the Windy City is.**

 **(A branch falls on a telephone wire as the power goes out)**

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean: (Sitting on his couch playing** _ **Banjo-Kazooie**_ **on his Xbox One) Alright. I'm about to get all 100 notes on Rusty Bucket Bay. Almost there. Almost there.**

 **(The power goes out, there's no more electricity in the house)**

 **Sean: That's not fair. That's not fair at all. I was almost done. (Sobbing) I WAS ALMOST DONE!**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, the airport drivers arrive to pick up the McAllisters to take them to the airport. Kate and Peter, played by Catherine O'Hara and the late John Heard wake up only to realize this….**

 _ **Kate: Peter!**_

 **(Pater and Kate both get out of bed quickly)**

 _ **Peter & Kate: We slept in!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) While everybody's getting ready real quick, the airport drivers are contending with this Mitch Murphy kid.**

 _ **Mitch (Played by Jeffrey Wiseman): Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Florida. Actually, we're going to Missouri to pick up my grand ma. You know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good mileage?**_

 _ **Van Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road.**_

"Here's a little fun fact. Jeffrey Wiseman, the kid who played Mitch Murphy, auditioned for the role of Kevin McCallister but he didn't get the part." Sean said before cutting back to the film.

 **Sean: After doing a headcount and rushing to the terminal to make the flight, they forgot one minor little detail…they forgot Kevin. And because he's 8-years-old, his imagination makes him believe that his family disappeared.**

 _ **Kevin: (Apprehensively) I made my family disappear.**_

 **(Kevin thinks back to family members saying bad things about him)**

 _ **Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless.**_

 _ **Linnie: Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents.**_

 _ **Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.**_

 **Sean: (Replacing Jeff) Kevin, you're the worst kind of scum on the face of the Earth! You make me sick…. Ooh! A piece of candy! (Picks up a piece of candy from off of the floor)**

 _ **Kevin: (Gleefully) I made my family disappear**_

"Good for you, Kevin! Now, what are you going to do?" Sean asked right when we cut to Kevin ecstatically celebrating his "freedom" of living home alone before we cut back to Sean, trying to calm Kevin down. "Okay, kid. Chill. You didn't win a million dollars. Look, calm down. Jesus Christ kid! Can somebody give this kid something to calm him down?!"

 **(Kevin goes into Buzz's room and opens his trunk)**

 _ **Kevin: Wow.**_

 **(Kevin grabs a Playboy Magazine)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Maybe boobs will calm him down)**

 _ **Kevin: (Throws the Playboy over his head) No clothes on anybody. Sickening!**_

"Thank God there was no internet back in 1990. If this film was made today, this is what would happen." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean (as Kevin): (On Buzz's laptop and browsing on the internet until he finds something interesting) What's this? Brazzers Hot and Mean. Cassidy Klein and Ashley Adams. Lexi Belle and Lena Nicole All Girl Massage. Karlie Montana and Kleio Valentien lesbian session by the pool.** _ **The Collective Works of Eva Angelina**_ **. I have to check it out.**

 **(Minutes later, Sean is sitting at his desk. His eyes widened in surprise to what he's seen)**

 **Sean: (Looks down, then looks back up) I… I have to watch that again.**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narration) So Kevin enjoys solo life as he attempts a crazy stunt by going down the stairs in a sled, doing some target practice with his brother's BB gun, eating junk food and watching violent gangster films. What a sweet life.**

 **(The theme song to** _ **The Suite Life on Deck**_ **starts playing)**

"No, no, no! Turn it off!" Sean yelled as the song stops playing.

 **Sean: (Narration) Later that night, two crooks named Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, show up to the house getting ready to steal what's inside.**

 _ **Harry: Watch this. Number 664 will be going on right about now.**_

 **(The Christmas light come on.)**

 _ **Harry: 671. Now.**_

 **(The lights don't come on)**

 _ **Harry: Now.**_

 **(Still nothing)**

 _ **Harry: Now.**_

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean: God damn it. Every time I try to fry something in the fry-daddy and cook something in the microwave, the fuse blows out. Wait, got it.**

 **(The lights on the McCallister house come one)**

 **Sean: (In his Homer Simpson voice) Woo-hoo!**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Kevin has the courage to confront the two by turning the lights on and making them think that there's somebody home and heads outside to say that he's not afraid anymore until…**

 **(Kevin sees Old Man Marley)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Old Man Marley): I will kill you before you make** _ **The Pagemaster**_ **.**

 **(Kevin screams and runs back in the house, runs upstairs frantically and hides under the sheets of the bed)**

"What a wimp." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanhwhile, the McCallisters arrive in Paris while Kate attempts to get the most idiotic cops in Chicago to check on Kevin.**

 _ **Kate: Our phones there are out of order so I'd like somebody to go over to our house, tell him that we're coming home to get him.**_

 _ **Rose: Okay, let me connect you with the Family Crisis Intervention.**_

 _ **Kate: No, this is not a family crisis.**_

 _ **Rose: Hold on.**_

"Oh, brother. Here we go. I got this." Sean said as he picks up the phone. "Hello."

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 _ **Kate: I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.**_

 **Sean: Do you have any pepperoni pizza?**

 _ **Kate: No!**_

 **Sean: Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?**

 _ **Kate: I don't know. I d—I hope not.**_

 **Sean: Okay, did the kid eat a chicken sandwich sandwich and took your car out while driving poorly until he vomits?**

 _ **Kate: No! He's just home alone! And I'd like somebody to go over to the house to see if he's all right. Just to check on him.**_

 **Sean: Ma'am, calm down. You want us to go over to your house, just to check on him?**

 _ **Kate: Yes!**_

 **Sean: Fine! I'll send a policeman to check on your son. (Hangs up) Crazy bitch!**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

"So, yeah. The police suck at checking on Kevin and just walk away. They should be part of _World's Dumbest Employees_. And Kate decides to head home to catch what flight she can. In the meantime, Kevin couldn't be happier while his discusses his bathroom routine." Sean said.

 _ **Kevin: I took a shower, washing every body part with natural soap, including all my major crevices between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed.**_

"I also have a habit of talking to myself, but I believe that just adds character." Sean said before cutting back to Kevin grooming himself.

 **Kevin: (Picks up the bottle of aftershave) I can't find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up today. Other than that, I'm in good shape. (Puts aftershave on and screams in agony)**

Sean starts screaming as we cut do different screaming scenes and clips including the screaming sheep, a clip from _Home Alone 2: Lost in New York_ with Kevin screaming, a clip from _Spider-Man 2_ with Peter screaming, a clip from the _Batman: The Animated Series_ episode _I Am the Night_ with Batman screaming and the _Harley and Ivy_ episode with the Joker screaming, a clip from the 1984 version of _Ghostbusters_ plays with Peter screaming, a clip from _The Mask_ with The Mask and Mrs. Peenman screaming, then a clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie _Junior_ with the Critic screaming.

 **(A clip from** _ **Kindergarten Cop**_ **plays)**

 _ **Det. John Kimble (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): SHUT UP!**_

Sean stops screaming and looks scared. "Sorry, Arnold. I'll—I'll stop screaming. And now a word from our sponsors."

 **Okay, so that was part one of the** _ **Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **Home Alone**_ **. Just like the** _ **RoboCop**_ **review, this is going to be in two parts. After I finish with part two of the** _ **Home Alone**_ **review, I will be working on either the** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **review or** _ **A Christmas Story 2**_ **. I'm torn between two of them because I want to rant about "the official sequel" to** _ **A Christmas Story**_ **. So, which review would you like to see next after** _ **Home Alone**_ **? Would you like to see the** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **review or** _ **A Christmas Story 2**_ **? Don't forget to review this, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time for part two of the** _ **Home Alone**_ **review. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	4. Episode Two Part II: Home Alone

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you the continuation of the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Home Alone**_ **. Okay, so I have a few reviews listed for this month. After** _ **Home Alone**_ **, there's** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **,** _ **A Christmas Story 2**_ **, the** _ **Top 11 Christmas Movies, Specials and Episodes**_ **and** _ **Die Hard**_ **. Then next year, starting in January, there's** _ **Superman Month**_ **starting with** _ **Superman II**_ **, next it's** _ **Superman III**_ **,** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **and** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **. Let's not waste any time, here's the continuation of the** _ **Home Alone**_ **review.**

 **Episode Two: Home Alone (Part II)**

 **(Commercial Parody)**

 **(In a parody of the Pepsi commercial from 1991, which was shown on the VHS release of** _ **Home Alone**_ **, Sean is dressed up as one of the cool kids from the commercial and starts dancing.)**

 **Sean: What makes you cool is your attitude. Your inner self.**

 **(Sean is shown doing the chicken dance)**

 **Sean: It's not the way your hair is cut. No, siree. (Points at his head)**

 **(Sean is still dancing, but this time he's dancing like the wedding guest guy from** _ **World's Dumbest Partiers**_ **.)**

 **Sean: It's not the clothes you wear.**

 **(Sean looks at his 90's type clothing)**

 **Sean: What the hell am I wearing?**

 **(Sean is holding a can of Coca-Cola in one hand and a can of Pepsi in the other)**

 **Sean: It's not what you drink.**

 **(A cute girl named April sits next to Sean. Sean looks at April and smiles at him. She smiles back and lays her head on his shoulder.)**

 **April: Got Pepsi for me?**

 **(Sean looks at the camera, with a sly grin on his face while handing April the can of Pepsi, while he throws the can of Coca-Cola away and picks up another can of Pepsi)**

 **(The commercial ends with Pepsi and the new tagline for Pepsi with the announcer saying the new tagline and shows Fuller's smiling face)**

 **Announcer: Pepsi. Don't know what a golden shower is? You will.**

 _ **Aunt Leslie: Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi.**_

 **(Commercial parody ends)**

We cut to Sean, who is seen sitting behind his desk drinking a can of Mountain Dew Holiday Brew, then looks up at the camera after sipping his soda. "Huh, what? Oh! The commercial's over? And you thought I was drinking a can of Pepsi. Blatant product placement now back to review." Sean said before cutting back to the review.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Kevin is running short on supplies and he takes some of Buzz's life savings and heads out to go shopping.**

 _ **Drugstore Clerk (Played by Ann Whitney): How may I help you?**_

 _ **Kevin: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?**_

 **(Kevin hands the clerk the toothbrush)**

 _ **Drugstore Clerk: It doesn't say, hon.**_

 _ **Kevin: Can you please find out?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Kevin is trying to find out if his toothbrush is approved by the ADA, guess who shows up.**

 **(Old Man Marley slams his hand on the counter. Kevin locks eyes with Old Man Marley and rushes out of the store)**

 _ **Jimmy: Hey! Hey!**_

 **(Jimmy spots a police officer, who is writing up someone with a ticket nearby)**

 _ **Jimmy: Shoplifter!**_

"Just give me the order and I'll shoot him." Sean said, pulling out his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP. "Just give me the order, man! Just give me the order!"

 **(Sloan from the movie** _ **Wanted**_ **shows up)**

 _ **Sloan (Played by Morgan Freeman): Shoot this motherfucker!**_

"Thank you, Sloan!" Sean said as he fires his pistol at Kevin, but misses.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Kevin manages to escape from the cop by sliding on the ice while on his knees, which is rather humiliating for the police officer in question. Let's check in with the McCallister family in Paris, where they're staying at Uncle Rob and Aunt Georgette's place and spending their precious time eating shrimp and watching a bad French dub of** _ **It's a Wonderful Life**_ **.**

"What the hell ails you people?!" Sean yelled, in his Psycho Dad voice. "Why are you sitting on your lazy asses? Get the fuck up and do something!"

 _ **Megan: You're not at all worried about Kevin?**_

 _ **Buzz: The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world.**_

 _ **Megan: You're not at all worried something might happen to him?**_

 _ **Buzz: No. For three reasons: A. I'm not that lucky, 2: We have smoke detectors, and D: we live in the most boring street in the United States of America.**_

"Dude, you mean 1, 2 and 3. And another thing, Chicago's pretty exciting. Brother, if you were in 1968, it was." Sean's friend Brian said as footage of the Vietnam War protests at the 1968 Democratic convention plays.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, Kevin's in need for some food, so he orders himself a cheese pizza and get even with the pizza delivery boy. But to hide the fact that he's home alone, he rigs a scene an old gangster movie to make it act like someone else is inside the house.**

"Okay, I just want to nitpick a bit about this scene. I don't have a problem with it. It's a funny scene and one of my favorites but the problem is this: he's using a VCR. There's no way he could play these responses in time. The sound quality of the movie. And finally, it's only one scene from one movie. How the hell is he able to play a response to everything the pizza boy says from just one scene from one movie?" Sean said until someone knocks on the door. "Ooh, that must be my pizza. I'll be right back."

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **(Sean walks up to the door)**

 **Sean: Who is it?  
**

 **Pizza Boy: It's Bingo's Pizza, sir.**

 **Sean: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here.**

 **Pizza Boy: Okay. But what about my money?  
**

 **Sean: What money?  
**

 **Pizza Boy: Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.**

 **Sean: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?**

 **Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.50, sir.**

 **Sean: $11.50?! For a large pepperoni pizza?! Did I hear you right?!**

 **(Sean grumbles and sneaks $20 from out of the door)**

 **Sean: Keep the change, you filthy animal.**

 **Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.**

 **(Sean picks up his M16 machine gun)**

 **Sean: Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of three. To get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. 1, 2, 10!**

 **(Sean fires his M16 and starts laughing like The Joker. The scared pizza boy falls off of the porch and runs away frantically and drives off. Sean stops firing his gun and opens the door, picking up the pizza and smells it)**

 **Sean: A lovely pepperoni pizza just for me. (Closes the door)**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kevin goes to the supermarket for the first time to do some shopping.**

 _ **Kelly, the Check Out Girl (Played by Tracy J. Connor): Are you here all by yourself?**_

 _ **Kevin: Ma'm, I'm 8 years old. You think I'd be here alone? I don't think so.**_

 _ **Kelly: Where's your mom?**_

 _ **Kevin: My mom's in the car.**_

 _ **Kelly: Where's your father?**_

 _ **Kevin: He's at work.**_

 _ **Kelly: What about your brothers and your sisters?**_

 _ **Kevin: I'm an only child.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **plays)**

 _ **Miles (Played by Macauley Culkin): Where's your wife?**_

 _ **Buck (Played by the late John Candy): Don't have one.**_

 _ **Miles: How come?**_

 _ **Buck: It's a long story.**_

 _ **Miles: You have any kids.**_

 _ **Buck: It's an even longer story.**_

 _ **Miles: Are you my dad's brother?**_

 _ **Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?**_

 _ **Miles: 38.**_

 _ **Buck: I'm your dad's brother alright.**_

 **(Cut to Kevin walking home with groceries. The grocery bags rip and everything falls out)**

"See? This is why you should always double-bag. I know that because I work at a grocery store and sometimes people have their bags doubled. I know that you're not supposed to do that but they ask to have their bags doubled just in case or if they're walking up the stairs to their apartment. Instead of using plastic or paper bags, use reusable bags to help the environment. Save the planet. The power is yours." Sean said pointing to the camera and smiles.

"Heart!" Ma-Ti shouted out from off-screen.

"Shut the fuck up, Ma-Ti!" Sean yelled then look back at the camera and smiled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kate is still having problems getting home when all flights to Chicago are booked.**

 _ **Kate: And I don't care if I have to get on your runway and hitchhike. If it cost me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the Devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Beetlejuice**_ **plays)**

 _ **Delia Deetz (Played by Catherine O'Hara): I will go insane and I will take you with me!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Well, looks like it's a job for the late John Candy, who plays…**

 _ **Gus (Played by the late John Candy): Gus Polinski. Polka King of the Midwest. (Sings) Polka, polka, polka. Polka, polka, polka.**_

"Holy cow, that is going to be the next big hit for 2017." Sean said. The young reviewer began to notice someone who was standing in line right behind Kate. "Wait a minute. Is that?"

Sean picks up the remote and pressed pause, then began to browse the internet and clicked on a photo. "Oh, my god. Could it be? It-it-it is. That's Elvis Presley. You probably think that I'm starting to lose it but I'm not. There's a myth going around that Elvis Presley appeared in _Home Alone_. Maybe it's just a rumor. No, no, no. I'm not going to believe that it's Elvis Presley. Elvis is dead. And Oswald killed Kennedy. It wasn't a magic bullet. Screw you, Oliver Stone for ruining _JFK_!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, Harry and Marv are on to Kevin when they find out that Kevin is home alone.**

 _ **Harry: Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here.**_

 _ **Marv: Well if he lives there, then the parents gotta be.**_

 _ **Harry: He's home alone.**_

"Ha! There, he said it! He said the title of the movie!" Sean said, imitating Peter Griffin from _Family Guy_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kevin finds out that they're gonna be back at 9 o'clock, so in the meantime, Kevin goes to church to listen to a church choir singing O Holy Night, until…**

 **(Kevin finds Old Man Marley sitting in the same church)**

"O holy shit. It's the South Bend Shovel Slayer." Sean said, with a frightened look on his face.

 **Sean: (V/O as Old Man Marley) Well, time for me to kill while no one is watching.**

 **(Old Man Marley comes closer to Kevin)**

 _ **Old Man Marley (Played by the late Roberts Blossom): Merry Christmas.**_

 **(Kevin has a confused look on his face)**

 _ **Old Man Marley: May I sit down?**_

 **(Kevin nods as Old Man Marley sits down)**

 _ **Old Man Marley: You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, it turns out that Old Man Marley is actually a nice man and that the rumors about him are false and he tells Kevin about his son, who he haven't seen in years and the two of them are not in speaking terms.**

 _ **Old Man Marley: We lost our tempers, and I said I didn't care to see him anymore. He said the same, and we haven't spoken to each other since.**_

 _ **Kevin: If you miss him, why don't you call him?**_

"Geez, I wonder why he left." Sean said. "He seemed such a lovely guy."

 _ **Old Man Marley: How you feel about your family is a complicated thing.**_

 _ **Kevin: Especially with an older brother.**_

"With a male crossdresser as a girlfriend. You think I'm kidding, I'm not." Sean said, cutting to a photo of Buzz's girlfriend. "That's art director Dan Webster's son who volunteered for that part. Buzz's portrayer said that they decided it would be unkind to put a girl in that role of just being funny-looking. That's another little piece of trivia for you.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After chatting with Old Man Marley and wishing each other a Merry Christmas, Kevin realizes that he's out of time, so he rushes home to prepare for battle.**

 **(Kevin notices the time and rushes home. We then cut to the McCallister house as Kevin goes in and locks the door)**

 _ **Kevin: This is my house. I have to defend it.**_

 **(Cut to a montage of Kevin setting up traps, with a cutaway gag of Sean doing jumping jacks, setting up Christmas decorations and fixing Christmas cookies)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After setting up his traps for the "Big Battle Plan", Harry and Marv arrive at the house.**

 _ **Harry: We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.**_

 _ **Marv: Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.**_

"Oh, he'll let you in alright. But it'll cost ya." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narration) Harry and Marv decide to go through the back door until Kevin re-enacts a scene from** _ **RoboCop**_ **.**

 **(Kevin shoots Harry in the crotch. Harry screams in agony)**

 **(A clip from** _ **RoboCop**_ **plays)**

 _ **RoboCop (Played by Peter Weller): Your move, creep.**_

 **(Marv goes to the door, puts his head in the door opening. Sees Kevin and smiles)**

 _ **Kevin: Hello.**_

 **(Kevin shoots Marv in the forehead)**

 _ **FPS Doug: (V/O) Boom! Headshot!**_

 **(Marv screams in agony)**

 _ **Kevin: Yes! Yes!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) After Marv gets shot too, they decide to split up. Harry going to the front.**

 **(Harry slips on the first step and groans. Then cut to him trying get up the steps by grabbing onto the railing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **plays)**

 _ **Abe (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): You're gonna blow it!**_

 **(Harry slips and falls backwards after getting up the steps)**

 _ **Abe: (V/O) Ah, that's what I get for having faith in ya.**_

 **(Harry makes it up to the steps.**

 _ **Harry: Where are you?**_

 **(He puts his hand on a heated doorknob and screams in agony)**

"Why do I smell bacon?" Sean asked, looking down only to see that he's cooking bacon on his desk. "Ah, I see."

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, Marv heads down to the basement and this happens.**

 **(Marv pulls the switch, which releases an iron. Marv looks up)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Wanted**_ **plays)**

 _ **Sloan: Oh, fuck.**_

 **(The iron hits Marv in the middle of his face. Next, Marv takes off his shoes and socks while going up the stairs on which Kevin painted tar and steps on the nail)**

"Yeow!" Sean winced before cutting back to the scene.

 **(Marv screams and falls on the floor while holding his foot)**

 **Sean: (Narration) We then check on Harry, who's about enter the back door but gets a little burning sensation on his head.**

 **(A blowtorch on the top cupboard lights Harry's head on fire as he screams in agony)**

 **(The song** _ **Spinning Around**_ **by Kylie Minogue starts playing while Harry runs around and sticks his head in the snow)**

"You know, I've always told people that Joe Pesci was a real hothead." Sean said as a comedic rimshot plays.

 **Sean: (Narration) So, after dealing with Kevin's traps, Harry and Marv managed to get inside and they are greeted with a can of Sherwin Williams.**

 **(A paint can hits Marv in the face after Harry ducks)**

 **Harry: Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for ya.**

 **Marv: Harry!**

 **(Another paint can hits Harry in the face, sending him flying until he lands on Marv. Then we cut to Harry and Marv going up the stairs)**

 **Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!**

"Whoa! Dude! What did he just say?" Sean asked, picking up the remote to play back what Harry said.

 **Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil!**

" _Cojones_ means "balls" in Spanish. You think this is appropriate to say in a kid's film? Dude, you're not on _Goodfellas_ this is a family film so watch your fucking mouth." Sean said as he puts a dollar in the swear jar.

 **Sean: (Narration) So, Kevin calls 9-1-1 and makes Marv afraid of the movie** _ **Arachnophobia**_ **.**

 **(Marv screams like a girl with a tarantula on his face)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Kevin flees the house, with a little help from his stunt double on a zipline and makes it to his treehouse. Harry and Marv follow but they soon live to regret it.**

 _ **Kevin: (Holding the hedge sheers and places them on both sides of the rope) Hey, guys? Check this out.**_

 _ **Harry: Go back! Go back!**_

 **(Harry and Marv start going back until Kevin cuts the rope)**

 **(Harry and Marv's screams are replaced by the Goofy yell. Harry and Marv hit the brick wall of the McCallister house and lands on the snow)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Kevin then runs to the Murphy house but gets outsmarted by Harry and Marv. And just when Kevin is about to get his finger bit off, Old Man Marley comes to save the day.**

 **(Marley hits Harry in the face with the shovel)**

 _ **Old Man Marley: (Takes Kevin off the coat hanger) Come on. Let's get you home.**_

 **(Then we cut to the police taking Harry and Marv to jail. Harry sees Kevin from the back of the police car as Kevin waves to him)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Masters of the Universe**_ **plays)**

 _ **Skeletor (Played by Frank Langella): (After emerging from the water) I'll be back!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Then we cut back to Kate and she's having doubts.**

 _ **Gus: You want to talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks a year. We hardly see our families. You know, Joe, over there. Gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names.**_

 _ **Kate: Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home?**_

 _ **Gus: No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible, too. I was all distraught and everything. We left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. You know, we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse.**_

"Dude! What the hell? Why would you try to tell her that? Do you absolutely think that it would make her feel better? It's just like someone asking me this." Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Alex: Hey, Sean. Have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?**

 **Sean: No, but I did leave my friend's nephew at a Hustler Hollywood shop once. Yeah. The little tyke was traumatized from seeing adult movies and adult-oriented toys. He asked me who August Ames was and he wanted to watch her movies….**

 **Alex: Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.**

 **Sean: Hey, you brought it up.**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Kate finally arrives home and she sees what Kevin has done to the house while he was home alone. Then finds Kevin.**

 _ **Kate: Kevin?**_

 **(Kevin turns around and sees his mom)**

 _ **Kate: Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry.**_

 **(Kevin smiles and runs to his mother. Kate and Kevin hug)**

We cut to Sean, who was wiping his tears from off of his face.

"Dude, are you crying?" Brian asked.

"No!" Sean exclaimed.

"You're crying from _Home Alone_?" Brian asked as Sean throws an apple at his head. "Ow!"

 **Sean: (Narration) The rest of the family aren't too far behind as they took the flight that Kate didn't want to wait for and Kevin tells them that he went shopping.**

 _ **Jeff (Played by Michael C. Maronna): You, shopping?**_

 _ **Kevin: I got some milk, eggs and fabric softener.**_

 _ **Peter: What else did you do while we were away?**_

 _ **Kevin: Just hung around.**_

 **(Everyone laughs)**

Sean starts laughing and stops laughing. "I don't get it."

 **Sean: (Narration) As the family settles in, Kevin sees that Old Man Marley is reunited with his family.**

 **(Old Man Marley waves to Kevin. Kevin waves back at Old Man Marley)**

 _ **Buzz: Kevin! What did you do to my room?!**_

 **Sean: (Narration) And our tale comes to a close.**

"And that was Home Alone, the greatest Christmas movie of all-time. Honestly, I can't find much wrong with it. And it puzzles me because some of the critics didn't care for it. Roger Ebert gave the film 2 ½ out of 4-stars. Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly criticized the film for it's "sadistic festival of adult bashing". And the biggest complaint that people had about _Home Alone_ was the violence. Yeah, it was pretty violent for a kid's film but that's what makes the film so funny. The other aspects of the film, a lot of it still holds up, including the acting. Catherine O'Hara did a wonderful job as Kate McCallister and Macauley Culkin's performance as Kevin was pretty damn good. Props to Macauley. It's sad to say that your career as an adult went in the crapper." Sean said as more clips of the movie start playing. "But the biggest praise I have to give for _Home Alone_ is John Hughes' writing. Man, this is one of the most quotable movies from him I've ever seen."

 **(Clips from** _ **Home Alone**_ **start playing)**

 _ **Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you're growing on my ass!**_

 _ **Johnny (Played by the late Ralph Foody): Keep the change you filthy animal.**_

 _ **Kevin: (After seeing a photo of Buzz's girlfriend) Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof!**_

 _ **Peter and Kate: We slept in!**_

 _ **Marv: The little jerk is armed!**_

 _ **Kevin: You guys give up or you're thirsty for more?**_

"Another big praise for the movie would have to be John Williams' magnificent score for the movie. Originally, Bruce Broughton, the composer of _Tiny Toon Adventures_ was set to compose the music for Home Alone, but he was busy with _The Rescuers Down Under_. My favorite would have to be the movie's theme song _Somewhere in My Memory_. The movie was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Score and the other for Best Original Song for _Somewhere in My Memory_. Plus, the characters are so memorable. Buzz is the loveable asshole, Uncle Frank is the cheapskate that you would just love to punch in the face, Harry and Marv are just a great villainous duo and Kevin is just a likeable representation to what every boy wants to be." Sean said as clips from _Home Alone 2: Lost in New York_ start playing. "Which is why I like the sequel so much despite the fact that it's the same movie. So, yeah. I love _Home Alone_. I watch the movie every year. I watch it on Christmas and I watch it every single month and I enjoy it and have a ball every time I watch it. It's a great Christmas film that everyone needs to see. That's why I'm gonna give _Home Alone_ 5 blowtorches to the head…"

 **(A clip of** _ **Home Alone**_ **plays)**

 **(Harry screams in agony while his head is caught on fire)**

"…Out of 5. I'm the Mayhem Critic. Tune in next time when I review an awesome movie that was released on Christmas Day." Sean said as a clip of the movie for the next review starts playing.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays)**

 _ **Phantasm: Your angel of death awaits. I want you.**_

The clip ends and we see Sean sitting at his desk while wearing a Batman mask and starts doing his imitation of Michael Keaton from Tim Burton's _Batman_. "I'm Batman."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Keep the change, you filthy animal**_ **.**

 **And that was part two of the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Home Alone**_ **. So, what did you think of it? Did you like it? Was it funny? I hope that you all enjoyed it. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean reviews the 1993 animated feature** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **and he asks the question: Is it the best Batman movie ever? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	5. Episode Three: Mask of the Phantasm

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers, it is I the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and I hope that you're excited for today's review. First up, I would like to say thank you for reviewing this story. It has 8 reviews right now so I'm hoping to get more reviews on it. Today, the Mayhem Critic tackles** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. Is it the best Batman movie ever? We'll find out today. As I stated before, I own nothing involved in these episodes and all material belongs to their respective sources. So here it is, episode three of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **Episode Three: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**

Sean once again is seen sitting behind his desk, with a goofy grin on his face ready to begin his next review. He looks at the camera and pulls his Samsung Galaxy S7 phone out. Sean lifts a finger to mean "Excuse me" and starts playing Johnny Mathis' rendition of _It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year_ ", jumping up from out of his seat and starts singing. Then we get a montage of Sean decorating the house with Christmas decorations, decorating the tree, fixing a nice hot glass of apple cider, pulling out some Christmas movies from off of his shelf, revealing the movies that he pulled out were _Batman Returns, Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Gremlins, Lethal Weapon, Iron Man 3_ and _The Night Before_ and heads back to his office and sits at his desk, wearing his _Christmas Story_ t-shirt with the words "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid" printed on it and a picture of Ralphie on it and Sean was wearing a Santa hat.

"Good evening, ladies and gentleman. I am the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one. I love Christmas. I love everything about it. The decorations, the Christmas lights, the movies, TV shows, Christmas specials, the Christmas songs. It's the best time of the year. If Christmas was a woman, then I would totally marry her. I would marry Christmas." Sean said, smiling as a photo of Dr. Christmas Jones played by Denise Richards from the James Bond movie _The World Is Not Enough_ pops up next to him. He turns to notice the photo and smiles. "Oh, yeah. Now, I know that today's review is not a Christmas movie but it was released on Christmas Day twenty-four years ago. Okay, today I had a conversation with some of my friends and I asked them what's the best Batman movie and a lot of people had made the discussion on what's the best Batman movie and they say…."

 **(A poster of** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **pops up as Sean pushes it out of the way)**

"You must be drunk. No, not that movie." Sean said as montage of posters for Batman films and clips from Batman films start playing. "People would say that Tim Burton's _Batman_ and _The Dark Knight_ are the two best Batman films of all time. Also, we talk about the best Batman ever. There's Michael Keaton, Adam West, Val Kilmer and Christian Bale."

 **(A photo of Ben Affleck as Batman pops up)**

"You wish." Sean said, rolling his eyes. "But of course, the one that they overlook would have to be the animated one."

 **(A poster of** _ **Batman: The Killing Joke**_ **pops up)**

"Yes, _The Killing Joke_. They overlook _Batman: The Killing Joke_ …. _BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM_!" Sean exclaimed in annoyance as clips of _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ is shown. "Released on December 25th, 1993. Christmas Day. _Mask of the Phantasm_ was originally supposed to be a direct-to-video release, but instead got a theatrical release. Why couldn't Disney release _The Return of Jafar_ in theaters instead of making it a direct-to-video release? I stumbled across this movie when I saw the trailer on the VHS release of _Free Willy_. Then, when I was like five years old, my mom and I went to our local Media Play and she bought the movie on VHS and I fell in love with the movie instantly, that I watch it all the time, every day. I'm 25 right now and I still do. I owned the movie on VHS, I owned it on DVD, twice. It was in a double feature pack with _Sub-Zero_ , the comic. Hell, I'm even planning on getting it on Blu-Ray. That's how much I love _Mask of the Phantasm_. But before I start the review, let me bring you a brief history on _Batman: The Animated Series_."

 **(Clips from** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **start playing)**

"The show aired on Fox Kids Network on September 5, 1992. Developed by Bruce W. Timm and Eric Radomski, who were working on _Tiny Toon Adventures_ at that time, _Batman: The Animated Series_ changed the way we looked at cartoons with it's dark deco design and gothic backdrop. The show was dark, gritty, dramatic and sometimes hilarious, the show became a hit with children and adults and it won a few Emmy awards and it was nominated for an Annie Award. After the success of the show's first season, Warner Bros. assigned writer Alan Burnett." Sean said as a poster of _Ducktales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp_ pops up. "Yes, the same Alan Burnett who wrote the screenplay for _Ducktales The Movie_ back in 1990 and he also worked on other Disney shows back in the 80s and 90s like _The Adventures of Gummi Bears_ , _Tailspin_ , _Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers_ and of course…."

 **(The** _ **Ducktales**_ **theme starts playing)**

"Thank you." Sean said. "They've assigned Burnett to write a full-length animated feature. Aiding Burnett, were other writers who worked on _Batman: The Animated Series_ : Martin Pasko, Paul Dini, and Michael Reaves. Pasko worked on the flashback segments, Reaves wrote the climax and Dini claimed to have "filled holes here and there". But the question is this, and after 24 years, is this the best Batman movie ever? Now, before I begin, let me just say that I love this movie. I will nitpick a little on certain scenes I just want to make that clear…." Sean said before cutting to a clip from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_.

 **(A clip from** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bridgekeeper (Played by Terry Gilliam): Get on with it.**_

 _ **Tim (Played by John Cleese): Yes! Get on with it!**_

 _ **Army: Yeah! Get on with it!**_

"What? I'm just say…." Sean said.

 _ **God (Voiced by the late Graham Chapman) GET ON WITH IT!**_

"Jesus!" Sean yelled and fell out of his seat. " _Mask of the Phantasm_ , ladies and gentlemen."

 **(A title card pops up with Sean, hiding in the shadows with his pistol, Batman on the rooftop, The Joker on a card and the Phantasm lurking the streets of Gotham)**

 **Sean: (Narration) So our film opens with an opening title sequence of Gotham City, which looks pretty impressive for a film back in '93. They used CGI back in '86 for the Disney movie** _ **The Great Mouse Detective**_ **for the Big Ben sequence. And the opening sequence is played over a choir chanting in Latin.**

 **(The theme for** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Got to give props to the late Shirley Walker. She did an excellent job on this movie and man, doesn't the music just give you chills?**

 **(We cut to a deal happening at a casino)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome opening, we cut to a deal that's set up by mobster Chuckie Sol, voiced by Dick Miller, who will later voice a character named Boxy Bennett on** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **in two episodes that involve Harley Quinn.**

 _ **Chuckie Sol (Voiced by Dick Miller): Anybody got a problem with that?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But their deal comes to a halt when Batman, once again voiced by the amazing Kevin Conroy, crashes the party.**

 _ **Goon #1: The Bat!**_

 _ **Goon #2: Get him.**_

 **(One of Sol's goons run up to Batman to take him down. Batman dodges the goon's punches and gives him a few hits of his own and uppercuts him. Batman throws his batarang at two of the armed goons. The fourth goon shoots at Batman as Batman moves underneath the table and slams it down on him. Chuckie Sol backs away in fear as one of the goons run at Batman. Batman grabs the goon and throws him to the wall. Batman goes after Sol, but then one of the goons try to reach for their gun, Batman steps on the table, instantly knocking him out cold)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Friday**_ **plays)**

 _ **Smoky (Played by Chris Tucker) You got knocked the fuck out, man!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just as Chuckie makes his escape, he comes across a cloaked figure that looks like Batman.**

 _ **Phantasm: Chuckie Sol.**_

 _ **Chuckie Sol: Batman!**_

 _ **Phantasm: Your angel of death awaits.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Phantasm. The mysterious new villain who was inspired by The Reaper from _Batman: Year Two_." Sean said before cutting back to the movie.

 _ **Chuckie Sol: What are you? What do you want?**_

 _ **Phantasm: (His voice replaced by the singing kid from the Uncle Ben's commercial) I want you to show me the way.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Phantasm tries to go in for the kill but it's not long until Chuckie makes his escape. And when he tries to run over the Phantasm… this happens.**

 _ **Chuckie Sol: This time I got you, you lousy stinkin-**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Robin's Reckoning**_ **plays)**

 _ **Tony Zucco (Voiced by Thomas F. Wilson) Now I've got you, you lousy stinkin-**_

 **(The Phantasm vanishes, then we cut to Sol driving his car through the parking garage screaming and crashes into a building, instantly killing him)**

"Whoa! Dude! This bitch is dead." Sean said, pointing to the camera before cutting back to the film. "I didn't expect to see anyone getting killed in an animated Batman film. They would never get away with that type of thing in the animated series. What is this movie rated again?"

Sean picks up his Blu-Ray copy of _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ and checks the back, only to see that the movie is rated PG for animated violence. A horrified and shocked look started to appear on his face.

 **(A clip from** _ **The World's End**_ **plays)**

 _ **Gary King (Played by Simon Pegg): What?!**_

"You're having a friggin' laugh now! PG. P-fucking-G! And this is from a company that has Bugs Bunny on the logo." Sean said as music from the Warner Bros. Family Entertainment logo plays over a clip of Chuckie Sol's death scene and Bugs Bunny popping up and eating a carrot.

 **Sean: (V/O) A family picture!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives at the scene and sees Sol's car. A few witnesses spot him and think that he killed Sol. This doesn't sit well with Councilman Arthur Reeves voiced by Hart Bochner.**

"Hart Bochner? Why does that name sound so familiar? Oh, no!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from** _ **Die Hard**_ **plays with Ellis, played by Hart Bochner laughing)**

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. I didn't like Ellis on Die Hard and I certainly don't like Arthur Reeves in this one. He's an asshole!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Commissioner Gordon (Voiced by the late Bob Hastings): I'm sorry, Councilman. But you can't blame Batman for what happened to Chuckie Sol.**_

 _ **Councilman Arthur Reeves (Voiced by Hart Bochner): Why not? He's a loose cannon, Commissioner. It's not just my opinion. A lot of the people, including the police I might add think Batman's as unstable as the crooks he brings in.**_

"Unstable? Bitch, when has Batman ever been unstable?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Dark Knight**_ **plays with Batman interrogating Joker)**

"Except for that time when he interrogated the Joker. Jesus Christ." Sean said.

 _ **Councilman Arthur Reeves: What kind of city are we running when we depend on the support of a potential madman?!**_

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean: (As a reporter) Councilman Reeves! Councilman Reeves! I have a question for you. Have you ever butt-chugged?**

 _ **Councilman Arthur Reeves: (His voice replaced by attorney Daniel McGehee) What in the world is that?**_

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **(Alfred turns off the television)**

 _ **Alfred (Voiced by the late Efrem Zimbalist Jr.) Such rot, sir. Why, you're the very model of sanity.**_

 _ **Bruce (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Thank you, Alfred.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, we cut to a plane where a mystery woman is speaking to Councilman Reeves and she's flying down to Gotham City. And we pan down to a magazine she's holding with Bruce on the cover.**

 _ **Councilman Arthur Reeves: Thinking of looking up some old friends?**_

 _ **Woman: Arthur, don't start that again. He's ancient history.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then we cut to Wayne Manor, where Bruce is throwing a party and having a bunch of hot babes hitting on him and they're talking about marriage.**

 _ **Bambi (Voiced by Arleen Sorkin, who's uncredited): What about the "I" word?**_

 _ **Bruce: The "I" word?**_

 _ **Bambi: "Ingagement."**_

"You mean the "E" word, honey." Brian said before cutting back to the movie.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Bruce has his ass handed to him by a jilted ex, Councilman Reeves jokingly taunts Bruce about his love life and the one that got away.**

 _ **Councilman Arthur Reeves: What was her name? Anne? Andi? Andrea? Yes, Andrea Beaumont! Now, there was a sweet number. How'd you let her get loose?**_

 _ **Bruce: Thanks for the handkerchief, Arthur. You know where you can stick it.**_

 **(The song** _ **Asshole**_ **by Dennis Leary starts playing with a photo of Arthur Reeves)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get our first flashback of the film, where we see Bruce Wayne visiting his parents' grave. He hears a woman talking and sees her standing in front of the grave. That beautiful redhead is Andrea Beaumont voiced by….**

"Hold on, I always wanted to do this." Sean said, clearing his throat before imitating Yakko from _Animaniacs_. "Dana Delany."

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Andrea Beaumont, an old flame of Bruce's right before he donned the cape and cowl. This movie will dive deep into what happened between Bruce and Andrea.**

 _ **Andrea (Voiced by Dana Delany): Know who that was? Bruce Wayne. You know, Wayne Enterprises? I've seen him on campus. Very moody. Cute, though.**_

"I wonder if he's great in bed." Sean said, in a feminine voice.

 _ **Andrea: Andrea Beaumont.**_

 _ **Bruce: Bruce Wayne.**_

 _ **Andrea: I know. "The boy billionaire." So tell me, with all that money and power, how come you always look like you want to jump off a cliff?**_

 _ **Bruce: Why should you care?**_

 _ **Andrea: I don't. (Andrea gets in her car and starts it up) Mother was asking.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the two hit it off. Later that night, Bruce goes into action on his first night as a vigilante, in which he spots a robbery.**

 _ **Bruce: Well, Bruce. Here it goes. (Puts on his mask and jumps into action)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) He dons the mask and a ninja-style outfit and manages to thwart an armored car robbery. But the next day, he's disappointed at the fact that his attire didn't scare the criminals.**

 _ **Bruce: There was only one thing wrong. They weren't afraid of me.**_

"Well, maybe you shouldn't wear hockey pants while trying to scare off the criminals. I remember my first night as a vigilante and look how that turned out." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean: (Dressed as a vigilante while wearing a leather jacket and a Captain Phasma mask while holding a snub-nosed .38) Alright, don't move! On your stomachs! Arms spread!**

 **Crook #1: Who's this clown?**

 **Sean: You heard me! If you don't do as I say, then I will start shooting!**

 **Crook #2: Oh, really. Well, guess what.**

 **(The two crooks pull out an M16 machine gun and an uzi)**

 **Crook #1: We got machine guns.**

 **Sean: (Throws his gun away) Hey, man. I-I-I was just kidding. I wasn't trying to…Mommy.**

 **(Sean runs screaming like a girl as the two crooks start shooting at him.)**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: Andrea comes by to visit Bruce and the two begin a romance with each other.**

 _ **Andrea: Nice footwork, can you dance too?**_

 **(Bruce smiles at Andrea and gazes into her eyes before leaning down to kiss her. Alfred walks outside with a tray of lemonade and sees Bruce and Andrea making out.)**

 _ **Alfred: Oh.**_

 **(Alfred heads back inside)**

 **Sean: (Narration) We cut back to present day, where another mobster named Buzz Bronski, voiced by the late John P. "No, I'm not going to be making any** _ **Delta Force II**_ **jokes" Ryan.**

 _ **Phantasm: Buzz.**_

 **(Buzz turns around and flashes his light)**

 _ **Buzz: Who's there?**_

"Uh, quick question. Why is that idiot at a cemetery at night? You're not supposed to be at cemetery at night because they're closed at night. Did Buzz Bronski pay someone to let him in?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, it's time for him to leave now because, he's about to have a run-in with the Phantasm and I have to say, when I watched this movie when I was little, that scene scared the living shit out of me and till this day, it still does. And that's one of my biggest fears. Being at the cemetery at night while some guy who's a cross between Darth Vader and The Shredder with a spooky voice chases you.**

 _ **Phantasm: Time to pay for your sins, Mr. Bronski.**_

 **(Buzz Bronski turns around and sees the Phantasm appear from out of the shadows. Bronski charges at him with the pickaxe, but the Phantasm slices the pickaxe. Bronski gasped as the Phantasm vanishes.)**

 _ **Phantasm: Buzz.**_

 **(Bronski turns around and sees the Phantasm walking towards him.)**

 _ **Buzz: All right, creep. Catch this!**_

 **(Throws the sharp, wooden point of the pickaxe at the Phantasm. The screen fades to black as an impaled impact sound along with a male bloodcurdling scream is heard. The credits roll as Tia Carrera's** _ **I've Never Even Told You**_ **plays in the background.)**

"All right, I'm kidding. That didn't happen." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narration) Bronski tries to make his escape but fails to do so as he falls into an empty grave.**

"Well, looks like Buzz Bronski, is about to meet his angel of death." Sean said after putting on a pair of sunglasses, doing his imitation of David Caruso from _CSI: Miami_ , with The Who's _Won't Get Fooled Again_ , plays in the background.

 **(The angel statue falls on Buzz Bronski)**

 _ **Buzz: No!**_

 **(The statue crushes Buzz Bronski to death.)**

 **(A clip from the British game show** _ **Knightmare**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dungeon master Treguard: Ooh, nasty.**_

Sean looks on in horror after seeing Buzz Bronski's death scene. "Jesus Christ, movie! I swear, this movie is one step up to getting a PG-13 rating or an R rating. Unlike a certain movie."

 **(A clip from Batman:** _ **The Killing Joke**_ **plays)**

 _ **Joker: Here's to crime.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Once again, Batman is blamed for Buzz's murder, and the next morning an elderly and sickly mob boss named Salvatore Valestra, voiced by the late Abe Vigoda, reads his morning paper, only to read the news about Buzz.**

 _ **Salvatore Valestra (Voiced by the late Abe Vigoda): (After reading the headline that says "2nd Mob Boss Slain. Has Bats Gone Bats?") Buzz!**_

 **(Valestra's eyes widened in shock as he sees the photo of Batman.)**

 _ **Salvatore: (Gasps) No!**_

 **(Valestra starts having trouble breathing and reaches for his oxygen tank)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Batman is inspecting the crime scene and he pays a little visit to his parents' grave, until he spots Andrea. Andrea follows Batman and stops at the Wayne family grave and realizes his secret identity.**

 _ **Andrea: Bruce?**_

"No, it's Farkle Minkus from _Girl Meets World_. What the hell? What the hell?! What's the whole point of having a secret identity if someone is going to find out?! In _Batman '89_ , Vicki Vale found out that Bruce Wayne is Batman because that idiot Alfred brought her into the Batcave. In _Batman Returns_ , Selina Kyle found out that he was Batman at the party. And she suddenly found out that Bruce Wayne is Batman because you saw him standing by his parents' grave?" Sean asked.

 _ **M. Bison (Played by the late Raul Julia) Of course!**_

Sean pushes the clip from _Street Fighter_ away in frustration. "Dude, that's why they call it a secret identity, to keep your identity a fucking secret! Fuck!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Batman spying on Andrea and Councilman Reeves having dinner at a restaurant. In which we get another flashback to Bruce meeting Andrea's father, Carl Beaumont, voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.**

 _ **Carl Beaumont (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): At last I meet the elusive Bruce Wayne.**_

 _ **Bruce: Nice to meet you, sir.**_

 _ **Carl Beaumont: (Shakes Bruce's hand) "Sir"? Don't be so formal, Bruce. Andrea's told me so much about you, I feel we're practically family.**_

 _ **Andrea: Daddy…**_

 _ **Arthur: (Clears his throat) Don't mind me. I was just leaving.**_

 _ **Carl Beaumont: I'm sorry. This is Arthur Reeves, one of the hot Young Turks from my legal department. He's someone you should get to know.**_

"Oh, really? Because in ten years, he becomes some asshole councilman that I want to shoot in the face!" Sean exclaimed, pulling out his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol.

 **(Ellis from** _ **Die Hard**_ **starts laughing)**

"Shut up!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also learn that Andrea's father has some ties to the Valestra mob.**

 **(Sean notices the man in the car)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Huh? Why does the guy with the hat and pointy nose look so familiar? Weird.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a scene where Bruce is standing at his parents' grave in one of the most powerful scenes ever.**

 _ **Bruce: It doesn't mean I don't care anymore. I don't want to let you down, honest, but... but it just doesn't hurt so bad anymore. You can understand that, can't you? Look, I can give money to the city - they can hire more cops. Let someone else take the risk, but it's different now!**_

 **[thunder and lightning]**

 _ **Bruce: Please! I need it to be different now. I know I made a promise, but I didn't see this coming. I didn't count on being happy.**_

 **[thunder and lightning]**

 _ **Bruce: Please! Tell me that it's okay.**_

 _ **Andrea: [enters] Maybe they already have. Maybe they sent me.**_

 **[They embrace in the rain]**

 **(A clip of J. Jonah Jameson, played by J.K. Simmons, laughing from** _ **Spider-Man 2**_ **starts playing)**

 **(Jameson starts laughing)**

"God damn it. Quit ruining scenes, Jameson!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narration) The next day, Councilman Reeves has a run-in with Valestra and the two of them talk about Batman and the murders.**

 _ **Valestra: Is the Batman really hitting our people?**_

 _ **Councilman Reeves: We have eyewitnesses.**_

"Eyewitnesses? What eyewitnesses? Are you trying to tell me that two men who worked with the late Buzz Bronski spotted a man dressed as a bat? Was the eyewitness you spoke to Antoine Dodson?" Sean asked.

 **Sean (as Antoine Dodson): Hide yo kids, hide yo wife and hide yo husband 'cause Batman is killin' everybody.**

"And second, do you have any proof that Batman killed them? Where's the proof? Show it to me. I need to see some proof before you blame my favorite superhero over some crime he didn't commit. Man, 1993 was a good year for movies. First, Harrison Ford is accused of murder because of the One-Armed Man and now Batman is accused of murder because of some Shredder rip-off that's going around killing people. Just wait until OJ in '94." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Batman drops by at Valestra's mansion and discovers some evidence linking Andrea's father and finds a photo of Mr. Beaumont sitting at a table with Valestra, Sol and Bronski. We then get another flashback. Boy, I haven't seen this many flashbacks since Stephen King's** _ **It**_ **. Anyway, we get a flashback to where Bruce proposes to Andrea.**

 **(Bruce proposes to Andrea)**

 _ **Andrea: I never thought this would happen. I always felt like... like I'd thrown you a curveball, like you never knew what to do with me, because I wasn't in "The Plan".**_

 _ **Bruce: You are now. I'm changing the Plan.**_

 **(Bruce and Andrea kiss as bats fly out of the cave)**

"SYMBOLISM!" Sean shouted and raised his arms up in the air.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After their proposal, Bruce drops Andrea home to tell her father the news about their engagement. That is until the next day, Andrea sends Bruce a "Dear John" letter, ending her engagement to Bruce. Ouch. Believing that he has lost his last chance of having a normal life, Bruce dons the mask of Batman for the first time. And I like how the scene is set up when we see what Bruce becomes, the person that strikes fear at criminals.**

 **(Alfred sees Batman in costume for the first time)**

 _ **Alfred: My God.**_

"Gives you chills, doesn't it?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in the present,** **Valestra heads down to the old Gotham World Fair to see someone for help. Hmm, I wonder who it could be.**

 **(Valestra walks through the remains of the "Future of Gotham" park as the robots sing; someone fires a machine gun at the singing robots as Valestra ducks down.)**

"JESUS!" Sean yelled as he ducks under his desk and bullets ricochet off of the wall.

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Brawlers**_ **plays)**

 **John Enos (as Jesus): I'm on a break. Union rules. Come back for about fifteen minutes.**

 _ **The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): (Throws his machine gun away and enters) I hate that song…**_

 **(The words, "Hey Kids, It's Mark Hamill!" is shown and the** _ **Star Wars**_ **theme plays)**

"Ladies and gentlemen, he is the Jedi Knight with the green lightsaber. He is the Clown Prince of Crime. He will put a smile on your face. Give it up, for Marky Mark Hamill." Sean announced.

 _ **The Joker: Gasp! Can it be? Old Sallie "the Wheezer" Valestra!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. The best part of the movie is The Joker. Valestra visits The Joker and offers him a million dollars to kill Batman.**

 _ **The Joker: What do I look like? Pest control?**_

 _ **Valestra: Think, you fool! Once he gets me, how long till he gets you? (He grabs The Joker by his collar) Your hands are just as dirty. Dirtier.**_

 **(The Joker gets mad)**

 _ **The Joker: Don't touch me, old man! I don't know where you've been! (Laughs) Oh, Sal, no one could take a joke like you. Of course I'll help you out.**_

 **(Valestra smiles)**

 _ **The Joker: That's it. That's what I want to see. A nice, big smile.**_

"Oh, you are so dead, old man. Dead! He just signed his own death warrant. Don't you know that you're not supposed to make a deal with the Clown Prince of Crime? Maybe, he's not going to kill him. I mean, come on. Nothing can kill him because he's Abe Vigoda." Sean said, before cutting to the next clip.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Batman questions Andrea about her father and it doesn't turn out well.**

 _ **Batman: You told him you were closer than ever to your father.**_

 _ **Andrea: I've been bugged, is that it?**_

 _ **Batman: I can read lips.**_

 _ **Andrea: Then read them now, get out.**_

 _ **Batman: (Before he leaves) You're still taking orders from your father?**_

 _ **Andrea: The only person in this room taking orders from their parents is you.**_

A gun shot plays as Sean puts his hand to his gut. "Ow! Oh…oh..that hurts. I definitely felt that. That was a shot to the gut. Ugh, you bitch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narration) Meanwhile, the Phantasm arrives at Valestra's house, getting ready to make his next kill, until some one beats him to the….**

 **(Valestra is revealed to be dead at the hands of The Joker)**

Sean is clutching his chest in pain as an alarm blares. The words "HEART ATTACK! Take medication!" are flashing on top as Sean grabs a bottle of pills from his pocket, putting a pill in his mouth and calms down as the alarm goes off. Sean looks at the camera and stays silent for a bit before saying a word. "Go on."

 **Sean: (Narration) So yeah, The Joker has beat The Phantasm to the punch and strapped Valestra with a camera and a bomb and gives him a little message before blowing him up.**

 _ **Joker:...And soon his name will be all over town to say nothing but his legs, knees and spleen an head.**_

 **(The Phantasm escapes as Valestra's house explodes)**

 **(The Phantasm climbs up a roof and looks back)**

 **Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Son of a bitch! That was my kill! I swear when I find the clown that tried to kill me, I'm gonna…."**

 **(The Phantasm looks up and sees the Batjet in the sky)**

 **Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Oh, shit! It's Batman, son!**

 **(The Phantasm starts running)**

 **Sean: (Narration) Batman pursues the Phantasm and just like the Los Santos cops on** _ **GTA V**_ **, the cops interrupt their fun as the Phantasm escapes, which lead to one of the best scenes ever which was inspired by** _ **Batman: Year One**_ **.**

 **(The cop fires his pistol at Batman)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Wow, 80s and 90s movie logic. People tend to master the unlimited ammo cheat.**

 **Sean: (Narration) In a desperate attempt to escape, Batman hides in a construction site and the cops corner him, leading to this.**

 _ **S.W.A.T. Member: There he is, men!**_

 **(The cops shoot at Batman)**

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean: (As one of the Gotham S.W.A.T. members) We will kill you before you make** _ **Sub-Zero**_ **!**

 **(Sean continues to fire his M16 machine gun at Batman.**

 _ **Detective Harvey Bullock (Voiced by Robert Costanzo): Hey, wait!**_

 **Sean: Die! Die! Die!**

 **(The bullets hit a gas tank, causing it to explode and sends Batman flying)**

 **Sean: Whoa!**

 **(A clip from** _ **Home Alone**_ **plays)**

 _ **Uncle Frank (Played by Gerry Bamman) Look what you did, you little jerk!**_

 **Sean: (Throws his gun down and runs away) I wasn't even here.**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman is cornered by the cops but distracts them by attaching his cape and cowl on the helicopter and makes his escape until Andrea arrives just in the nick of time and whisks him away before the cops could catch him. The two head back to Wayne Manor, where Andrea explains to Bruce the reason why her and her father fled to Europe to hide from the Valestra and you guessed it, another flashback! Boy, if they continue with the flashbacks, I'm gonna start a drinking game.**

Sean looks down at his desk and sees a bottle of Jagermeister sitting on his desk. "Uh, as tempting as it sounds. I think not. Maybe for another time."

Sean pushes the bottle away.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that flashback, Andrea spends the night with Bruce. The next day, Andrea leaves Wayne Manor as Bruce ponders to resume his relationship with Andrea and giving up his Batman persona. Until he looks at one of the photos and noticed a familiar face.**

 _ **Bruce: (After drawing a smile on the mobster) Oh, no!**_

 **(Joker laughs in the background)**

"Oh, my God. It's him! It's the man with the pointy nose!" Sean points.

 **Sean: (Narration) Councilman Reeves is upset about the police losing Batman until he has a visitor and making his big entrance is the clown prince of crime himself...**

 _ **Joker: Tsk, tsk. And to think our tax money goes to pay those jerks.**_

 _ **Arthur: (Runs) You!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Dexter**_ **plays)**

 _ **Erik King: (As James Doakes) Surprise, motherfucker.**_

 _ **Joker: That's right, Artie. Bring in the press, why don't ya? What a photo op: the councilman and his wacky pal.**_

 _ **Reeves: You're no friend of mine.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, The Joker tells Reeves that it wasn't Batman who killed the mobsters.**

 _ **Councilman Reeves: You're saying it's someone else?**_

"Duh!" Sean said, making a facepalm. "What do you think? Jackass! You blamed the wrong guy like he's Harrison Ford from _The Fugitive_ , which came out the same year. Just be glad it wasn't the One-Armed Man. But the Joker believes that Reeves needs to protect his reputation now that he's an elected politician. The Joker poisons Reeves with his Joker venom. Later, Batman breaks into the hospital and questions Reeves about why the Joker was meeting with him and how he's involved.

 _ **Councilman Reeves: Beaumont needed me to help him and his kid get out of town... (Starts to giggle again) He kept in touch.**_

 _ **Batman: When was the last time you spoke to him?**_

 _ **Reeves: Years ago, my first election campaign. I was running out of money and asked him for help...(giggles) He said no!**_

 _ **Batman: So you sold him to the Mob.**_

 _ **Reeves: (Now laughing hysterically) I was broke! Desperate! They said all they wanted was their money back! (He collapses with laughter, as Batman leaves in disgust)**_

"Crooked piece of shit. He got what he deserved and I hope he dies laughing." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman arrives at Andrea's and get's a message from the Joker, which was meant for Andrea, and we get our last flashback, finally, revealing that the man who later became the Joker carried out the hit against Carl Beaumont.**

"Wait, if Carl Beaumont is dead and he's not the Phantasm, if Councilman Reeves is not the Phantasm. So, who the hell is it?" Sean asked.

 _ **Phantasm: Joker, your angel of death awaits.**_

 _ **Joker: I'm impressed, lady. You're harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids.**_

 _ **Phantasm: So, you've figured it out.**_

 **(The Phantasm is revealed to be Andrea)**

 _ **M. Night Shamylan: What a twist!**_

"And here's a bit of trivia, Kenner toys spoiled the identity of the Phantasm because they released the Phantasm action figure with the mask and the identity of the Phantasm before people could go see the damn movie." Sean said.

 **(Joker punches Andrea and pins her to the ground)**

 _ **Joker: Nice trick, sweetheart. You could teach old Batsy a thing or two about disappearing.**_

 **(Andrea knees Joker in the groin)**

"OHHHHHH!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(a clip from** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail**_ **plays)**

 _ **King Arthur (Played by the late Graham Chapman): Jesus Christ!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Record Breakers**_ **plays)**

 _ **Chuck Nice: (in a high pitched voice) Oh, jeez!**_

 **(While getting punched by Andrea, Joker tries to grab the meat cleaver, but instead goes for a bologna stick and hits her in the face with it.)**

"I once hit somebody in the face with bologna. But it wasn't a bologna, it was my…" Sean said before Tom Hardy from _Bronson_ puts him in check.

 _ **Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy) Shut your fucking mouth!**_

"Alright, I'm so…" Sean said before being interrupted again.

 _ **Bronson: Shut the fuck up, you ***_ _ **beep*! Shut it!**_

Sean stays silent as he continues the review.

 **Sean: (Narrating)** **Andrea pursues the Joker until she lands into a trap.**

 _ **Joker: Well, if it isn't Smoky the Babe. Just in time to meet her biggest fan.**_

 **(A giant fan is turned on by the Joker)**

"Seriously, don't turn this into _Batman & Robin_!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Joker: How about a little pick-me-up? (Laughs)**_

"Son of a bitch!" Sean yelled, slamming his fist on the desk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman comes in to save Andrea and begs her to give up her quest for revenge. Andrea refuses and tells Batman that the mob ruined her life by taking away her future with him.**

 _ **Batman: But Andy... what will vengeance solve?**_

 _ **Andrea: If anyone knows the answer to that, Bruce, it's you.**_

 **(Silent pause)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Andrea leaves as Batman goes after the Joker. Joker sends out his killer toy planes to attack Batman. We need some appropriate music for this.**

 **(** _ **The Imperial March**_ **from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **starts playing while Batman fights off the toy planes. One of the toy planes cut Batman's arm. The record scratches as Batman punches one of the toy planes and destroys the other three)**

"I know that Edna Mode from _The Incredibles_ say that capes are bad but they have their uses against killer planes." Sean chuckled.

 **Sean: (Narration) After facing off against The Joker's killer planes, Batman chases The Joker as the Clown Prince of Crime tries to make his escape on. (Chuckles) He tries to make his escape on a jetpack. But, it's not long until Batman catches up to him and jumps on his back.**

 **(Batman goes after Joker and jumps on his back, causing him to fly uncontrollably. Joker screams)**

 _ **Joker: You're crazy! I'm your only chance to get out of here. Let me go or we'll both die!**_

 _ **Batman: Whatever it takes!**_

"Dude, you should remember this. He's Batman and he's not afraid to die. He doesn't give a damn about dying. If he's going down, then…." Sean said cutting back to the movie.

 **(Batman and Joker crash through a giant globe and crash land on the ground. Batman and Joker are both bruised and bloodied.)**

 _ **Joker: (After taking off his jetpack) For once, I'm stuck without a punchline.**_

"Now, that's what I call a crash landing." Sean said, smiling as an audience boos at his bad pun. "What? What? It's a good one. I'm killing!"

 _ **Joker: (Sees Andrea standing in front of him) Uh-oh.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Joker knew he fucked up.**

 **(The whole place explodes after the bombs go off. A Latin choir chants as Joker lets out what could possibly be his last laugh)**

 **(Andrea vanishes with the Joker laughing maniacally)**

 _ **Bruce: Andrea!**_

 **Sean: Batman barely escapes by falling into the waterway and swept away by the current. Later, Alfred consoles Bruce, who's heartbroken about Andrea.**

 _ **Alfred: Vengeance blackens the soul, Bruce I've always feared that you would become that which you fought against. You walk the edge of that abyss every night, but you haven't fallen in and I thank heaven for that. But Andrea fell into that pit years ago. And no one not even you could've pulled her back.**_

 **Sean: Bruce notices something shining in the cave and finds Andrea's locket containing a picture of himself and Andrea left behind in the Batcave. Meanwhile, Andrea is standing on an ocean liner deck alone and the film ends with Batman continuing his war on crime as he swings off into the night.**

"So, that was _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ and the question remains, is it the best Batman film ever? Well, yeah. I grew up watching that film and I loved it. I honestly think that this is the best animated Batman film of all time and I honestly didn't find anything wrong with the movie. Well, except for one. It was a bit short. It could've been longer but hey it's still good." Sean said as clips from the movie start playing. "It's a shame that it didn't do great at the box office, a lot of people loved the film. It gained a cult following after it's release. Plus, it was finally released on Blu-Ray on July 25, 2017. Why can't they release season 18 of _The Simpsons_?"

Sean turns around and sees the DVD cover art for _The Simpsons: The Eighteenth Season_ with Fat Tony on it and the words "It's Finally Here!" on top.

"It's a Christmas miracle!" Sean cheered. "But, back to the film it's pretty underrated and it still holds up pretty well. Kevin Conroy is awesome as always as Batman/Bruce Wayne, Dana Delany gives a great performance as Bruce's love interest. Her voice performance in the film impressed the filmmakers, leading her to voice Lois Lane in _Superman: The Animated Series_. But the person who steals the show in the film would have to be Mark Hamill. He is the one and only Joker. You got to love his sick, twisted sense of humor. And that laugh though."

 **(Clips of The Joker laughing in** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **start playing)**

"I loved Mark Hamill's Joker, except for one person who didn't like it." Sean said.

 **(A clip from Siskel and Ebert's review of** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays.)**

 **Gene Siskel: (on Mark Hamill's Joker) There's more, including the Joker, who frankly was better when Jack Nicholson played him in the first movie or Cesar Romero in the cartoon show on TV. I don't like this Joker's voice.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **plays)**

 _ **Teacher: (Picks up his ruler) Blasphemer!**_

"Oh, my God. Gene Siskel's an idiot. How can he not like Mark Hamill's Joker?! Another thing I like about the movie was the Phantasm. My God, that dude looks creepy. His voice is eerie as well. Props to Stacy Keach Jr. for voicing both the Phantasm and Carl Beaumont. The filmmakers wanted us to think that it was Andrea's father who's the killer. The Phantasm was based on a character called The Reaper from _Batman: Year Two_ and the character Andrea Beaumont was based loosely on a combination of the characters Judson Caspian and his daughter Rachel. Elements of _Batman: Year Two_ were incorporated into _Mask of the Phantasm_. And also elements of _Batman: Year One_ as well. The biggest praise I have to give Mask of the Phantasm would be it's animation style and it's music and storyline, that's how much I love that movie. There was also a comic book sequel to the film called Shadow of the Phantasm. The film was also nominated for an Annie Award for Best Animated Film, but lost out to _The Lion King_. The film's success led to two sequels, _Batman & Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero_ and _Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman_ and the spin-off movie _Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker_. I give this movie a watch every time and get pumped up. It's an excellent animated film that everyone needs to see. If your kids could handle scenes like this." Sean said.

 **(Salvatore Valestra's ghastly smile is shown)**

 **Sean: (V/O) A family picture!**

"And if you haven't seen _Mask of the Phantasm_ , I'll let the Phantasm convince you." Sean said.

 **(The Phantasm is shown walking towards Buzz Bronski)**

 _ **The Phantasm: Time to pay for your sins.**_

"Go see _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ or meet your angel of death." Sean said in his Phantasm voice. "I'm gonna give _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ 4 batarangs out of 5. I'm the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time. I have some presents to wrap up."

Sean gets up as Johnny Mathis' rendition of It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year starts playing while Sean puts on his Santa hat and starts singing.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Your angel of death awaits.**_

 **And that was the** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. For all of you Batman fans, I hope you've all enjoyed reading it and some of the reviews funny gags that I came up with and the Nostalgia Critic references. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, it's the** _ **Top 11 Christmas Specials, Movies and Episodes**_ **(Might need a bit of help on that) and after that, which Christmas movie do you want me to review, will it be** _ **A Christmas Story 2**_ **(You'll read my rant about the movie) or** _ **Die Hard**_ **? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Before I go, I wanted to bring up some sad news. Charles Green Jr. a.k.a. Angry Grandpa, sadly passed away at the age of 67 due to cirrhosis. The news hit me hard because he was my favorite YouTuber. I always watch some of Angry Grandpa's videos and I remember watching his video where his son Michael a.k.a. Pickleboy pulled a prank on him and it was the I.R.S. prank and Angry Grandpa got so mad that he ended up destroying the washing machine. I saw the video on** _ **TruTv's World Dumbest Brawlers**_ **. Hell, he destroyed everything like Michael's PS4, his IPad and his Nintendo Switch. But the most important thing, he touched the lives of many young'in's and his legacy will live on. AGP, you will be forever angry and forever missed and I know that you're up there making God laugh with your raging. Till next time, my fellow readers.**

 **Dedicated to the Memory of**

" **The Angry Grandpa"**

 **Charles Green**

 **1950-2017**


	6. Episode Four: Top 12 Christmas Movies

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well,** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **is out in theaters now. So, is anyone going to see the movie? It's it going to be the best** _ **Star Wars**_ **film ever? I might go see the movie on Christmas Day. Besides, my mom and I went to see** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **on Christmas Day back in 2015. And if those of you are wondering if I'm going to update** _ **Juliet's World**_ **, don't worry I'll start updating it and some of my** _ **Riverdale**_ **stories and** _ **Her Protector II**_ **for** _ **Pretty Little Liars**_ **. I'll have to work on my stories one at a time. Anyway, it's time for Mayhem's Top 11, make it** _ **Top 12 Christmas Movies and TV Shows**_ **. Get ready to spread some Christmas cheer. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I own nothing involved in this story. All opinions on this countdown are mine. If there's any Christmas specials and shows that aren't mentioned in this countdown, I will bring up some honorable mentions at the end.**

 **Episode Four: The Top 12 Christmas Movies and TV Shows**

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new….CHRISTMAS!" Sean jumped out of his seat and yelled out in joy and starts playing Johnny Mathis' rendition of _It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year_ and starts moving around the house and fixing Christmas cookies and putting on his "Santa Claws" Christmas sweater, then heads back into his office and sits down at his desk. "I'm in a cheery mood. Christmas is a good six days away, and I figure the best way to get into the Christmas spirit is by bringing you some of the greatest Christmas movies and television shows."

 **(Clips from classic Christmas movies and specials start playing)**

"That's another reason why I love Christmas is when I watch some of the Christmas specials, movies and television episodes. That's the best part of the season. And I still stand by the list, if there's any Christmas episodes or movies that I've missed, please don't come after me and kill me. Here are some of the runners up and there will be honorable mentions. So here it is, the _Top 12 Christmas Movie and TV Shows_. Why top 12? Well, I'll tell you, in song." Sean said as he pulls out his harmonica, then starts singing. "On the first day of…."

 **(Sean gets interrupted by the Brian Setzer Orchestra's rendition of Jingle Bells)**

"Pricks." Sean rolled his eyes before starting the coundown

 **Number 12:** _ **Frosty's Winter Wonderland**_

"Let's face it, as much as I like the original _Frosty the Snowman_ when I was a kid, it's one that I definitely enjoyed. I like the idea of Frosty having a snow-wife. It has a terrific cast. You have Andy Griffith as the narrator and boy did they get his likeness in the animation. You have Jackie Vernon as Frosty the Snowman, Paul Frees as Jack Frost and Shelley Winters as Crystal. Now, some of you were wondering if I was going to talk about the 1992 Christmas special _Frosty Returns_ , don't get me started on that special because it had nothing to do with the original. Now, there was crossover Christmas special with Rudolph and Frosty called _Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July_. We'll get to that one another time. But anyway, a great Christmas special to watch. Frosty's Winter Wonderland. May all your winters be wonderful…." Sean said.

 _ **Frosty and Crystal (Voiced by the late Jackie Vernon and the late Shelley Winters): And frosty, too!**_

 **Number 11:** _ **Seinfeld**_

"Seinfeld had some good Christmas episodes but I was having trouble trying to pick which Christmas episode that I like more and it was the sixth season episode _The Race_. _The Race_ was a pretty good one in season six. It involved a high-school classmate challenging Jerry to a race and the guy suspects Jerry of cheating. Plus, Jerry is stunned to be dating a woman named Lois since he's a huge Superman fan. I wish I was stunned to be dating a woman named Selina since I'm a huge Batman fan. The episode had a lot of funny bits, including Kramer and Mickey working at a department store, Elaine getting blacklisted from Hop Sing's the Chinese restaurant. Then there's George's secretary Ada who suspects him of being a communist after she overhears a conversation from his personal ad girl from _The Daily Worker_. Plus, you gotta love Larry David as the voice of George Steinbrenner.

 _ **George Steinbrenner (Voiced by Larry David): George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist.**_

 _ **George (Played by Jason Alexander): C-Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.**_

"Then there was the scene in Monk's which is considered to be one of the great scenes in TV history. Where Jerry and George come up with a scheme to cover up Jerry's head start in his high school race and he pretends that he hasn't seen Jerry in years and lies about his accomplishments in his life."

 _ **Lois (Played by Renee Props): What do you do?**_

 _ **George: I'm an architect.**_

 _ **Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?**_

 _ **George: Have you seen the new addition to the Gugggenheim?**_

 _ **Lois: You did that?**_

 _ **George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.**_

"I won't spoil who wins the race at the end, you'll have to see it to find out who wins. A very hilarious Christmas episode for the show about nothing." Sean said.

 _ **Kramer (Played by Michael Richards): On Prancer on Dasher, on Donna.**_

 _ **Mickey (Played by Danny Woodburn): Not Donna, it's Donner.**_

 _ **Kramer: Donna!**_

 _ **Mickey: Yeah, right! On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.**_

 **Number 10:** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_

"This is one of the most funniest movies to watch on DVD during the holiday season. Or on TV when you watch it on Freeform. Every. Single. Freaking. Day. I mean, it's an instant classic to watch. This movie combines the annoyances and charm of staying home for the holidays. It deals with Clark trying to throw the perfect good old-fashioned family Christmas like dealing with his parents and in-laws and Cousin Eddie." Sean said.

 _ **Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!**_

"But then that good old-fashioned family Christmas turns into a disaster when a turkey that Cousin Catherine cooked explodes on the dining room table while Clark was trying to carve it, Aunt Bethany's cat gets electrocuted while chewing on wires, Uncle Lewis torching the Christmas tree and Clark freaking out. And to top it all off was a S.W.A.T. team taking siege and invading the house. And it all goes wrong for the neighbors, one of them played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. My favorite moment from the movie would have to be Clark's rant after finding out that his boss didn't give him his Christmas bonus." Sean said.

 _ **Clark (Played by Chevy Chase):**_ _ **I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?**_

"With John Hughes' hilarious writing and an all-star cast, yule crack up from _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_." Sean said.

 _ **Clark: (As company execs walk by) Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.**_

 **Number 9:** _ **The Star Wars Christmas Spec**_ **….Wait just a goddamn minute!**

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I am not going to talk about that abomination of a Christmas movie. Get to the real number 9." Sean said.

 **Number 9:** _ **Gremlins**_

 **(Clips from the movie starts playing)**

"Okay, I know that some of you haven't considered Gremlins a Christmas movie, I mean come on. People watch this movie during the holiday season. I mean, who wouldn't want to see a bunch of crazy creatures wreaking havoc in the peaceful little town of Kingston Falls. From what I remember from watching this movie when I was young was the adorable little Mogwai Gizmo, Billy's mom killing some gremlins in the kitchen, the dog Barney wrapped in Christmas lights, the gremlins in the movie theater watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and there was this really fucked-up speech from Kate about Santa Claus.

 _ **Kate (Played by Phoebe Cates): I was nine years old… I went up to try and light up the fire, and that's when I noticed a smell, and me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird, and instead they pulled out my father.**_

Sean spits out his soda and looks at the camera in shock after hearing Kate's speech about Santa Claus. "Jesus, movie! A bit dark for a kid's film, don't you think? I mean after watching this scene when I was little, it shocked me and it still does till this day. This is maddening. Merry Christmas from Steven Spielberg, Chris Columbus and Joe Dante. Fa la la la la. La la la la."

 **(Stripe starts laughing)**

 **Number 8:** _ **Batman The Animated Series: Christmas With The Joker**_

 **(Clips from the episode start playing)**

"You didn't think that I wasn't going to talk about this episode, didn't you? I mean, it's a classic. Let's talk about the iconic villain, The Joker. He broadcasts a pirate Christmas special on television and Batman and Robin race against time to stop The Joker and save Commissioner Gordon, Detective Bullock and Summer Gleason. What's not to like about the episode?" Sean asked as a clip from the episode starts playing.

 **(The Joker sings The Batmobile Song while making his escape)**

"Okay, well, there's that." Sean said.

 _ **Robin (Voiced by Loren Lester): They don't call you Batman for nothing.**_

"Robin, shut up." Sean said. "There was also a bit about the movie _It's a Wonderful Life_ and Batman says this."

 _ **Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): You know, I've never seen that. I could never get past the title.**_

"You should try watching the movie, Batsy." Sean said. "It's hilarious with a bit of that Christmas charm and with some memorable lines, _Christmas With The Joker_ will sure to put a smile on your face."

 _ **The Joker (Played by Mark Hamill): (Singing Deck the Halls) Merry Christmas.**_

 **Number 7:** _ **Elf**_

"Now, this is a movie I really enjoy. I consider this a good movie to watch but it's a little too corny to watch but I do like the premise though. You gotta love Will Ferrell as Buddy. Love his energy and he's pretty hilarious and how can you not like him?

 _ **Buddy (Played by Will Ferrell): You sit on a throne of lies. You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.**_

"And he gets delightfully annoying at times. But that's what makes the film funny. This was Will Ferrell's first starring role after leaving _SNL_. Let's hope he does more Christmas films. Maybe _The Nutcracker_." Sean said, looking over to the side to see a poster of _The Nutcracker_ with Will Ferrell's head superimposed over the nutcracker's head. "Uh, it'll be a cold day in Hell if they did that. But hey, what can you expect when this movie is loved by millions and watched during the season. You'll have a jolly good time with _Elf_.

 _ **Buddy: (After getting hit by a snowball) SON of a NUTcracker!**_

 **Number 6:** _ **The Year Without a Santa Claus**_

"Based on the 1956 book by Phyllia McGinley, this classic Rankin/Bass tale tells the story of a saddened Santa Claus considers skipping Christmas Eve for one year. And it's up to Mrs. Claus and his Elves to change his mind. I admit, Rankin/Bass has put out some great Christmas specials over the years." Sean said as a poster _Jack Frost, Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July, Pinocchio's Christmas, The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold_ pop up. "Ugh. But still, this one has got to be one of the greatest Christmas specials I've ever seen. What's cool about this is that they got Mickey Rooney to voice as Santa Claus and he does a great job as always and they got Shirley Booth to voice as Mrs. Claus as well. Then, you got the late Dick Shawn and the late George S. Irving as the Miser Brothers, Snow Miser and Heat Miser. Plus, the Snow Miser and Heat Miser songs are catchy as hell."

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays with Mr. Freeze making his men sing the Snow Miser song)**

"Why? Why did you have to play that clip?" Sean asked in disgust. "Now, there was a live-action remake back in 2006 starring John Goodman as Santa Claus, Delta Burke as Mrs. Claus, Michael McKean as Snow Miser, Harvey Fierstein as Heat Miser, Ethan Suplee from Boy Meets World and Eddie Griffin as Jingle and Jangle Bells and Chris Kattan as Sparky. It's different from the original and it included two subplots that do not appear in the original but that one sucked. Then there was the sequel called _A Miser Brothers' Christmas_ , which brought back Mickey Rooney and George S. Irving as Santa Claus and Heat Miser. The Year Without a Santa Claus will always be the greatest animated classic ever." Sean said as a clip from Snow Miser's song starts playing.

 _ **Snow Miser (Voiced by the late Dick Shawn): Too much.**_

 **Number 5:** _ **Animaniacs**_

"Okay, this is one that used to own on VHS until I bought the Volume 2 set on of _Animaniacs_ on DVD. Now, there's two Christmas episodes that I want to talk about and basically I like all of them in the Christmas episode. The first one was _A Christmas Plotz_ where they do their version of Charles Dickens' _A Christmas Carol_ with Mr. Plotz in the role of Ebenezer Scrooge. Just when you thought _A Christmas Carol_ parodies were played out, this one has to be the best ones ever. Then for the second Christmas episode, there was a bit on _Good Idea, Bad Idea_ that I liked." Sean said, before playing a clip of _Good Idea, Bad Idea_.

 _ **Announcer (Voiced by Tom Bodett): Good Idea: Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors.**_

 **(The Skullhead carolers are singing to their neighbors)**

 _ **Announcer: Bad Idea: Singing Christmas carols to your neighbors on the Fourth of July.**_

 **(The Skullhead carolers are singing to their neighbors. The neighbors head back inside as one of the fireworks land right by the carolers and explodes)**

"But the one segment that I truly remember when I was young and I use to watch that segment with my mom and it was _Twas the Day Before Christmas_. And every time she puts it on, she tends to memorize the whole thing. And I don't blame her because I still watch it to this day and I am memorizing every line from that episode and the _Yakko's Universe_ song and I reference a certain line from the song." Sean said.

 _ **Yakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): (Singing) It's a great big universe and we're all really puny. We're just tiny little specks about the size of Mickey Rooney. It's big and black and inky. And we are small and dinky. It's a big universe and we're not.**_

"It's an episode that I enjoy watching every year so go ahead and check it out." Sean said.

 _ **Yakko, Wakko (Voiced by Jess Harnell) & Dot (Voiced by Tress MacNeille): Merry Christmas!**_

 **Number 4:** _ **Girl Meets World**_

"I know a lot of you didn't expect me to talk about _Girl Meets World_ and I'm a big fan of the show and we're still reeling from the idiots at Disney Channel cancelling the show. Hell, I have a lot of good ideas if the show was renewed for a fourth season. Sorry if I'm going off topic. There are two Christmas episodes. There's one in season one called _Girl Meets Home for the Holidays_ and the other was in season three called _Girl Meets a Christmas Maya_. There was a tie between the two and the one I like more was _Girl Meets Home for the Holidays_. This was the _Boy Meets World_ reunion that everyone was waiting for. We got the return of Cory's parents Alan and Amy played once again by William Russ and Betsy Randle, Joshua Matthews now played by Uriah Shelton and if you guys want me to talk about Joshaya in this one, it'll be another time when I review _Girl Meets Ski Lodge_ and tackle the dreaded Rucaya story arc for another time. But most importantly, we have the return of the one and only Shawn Hunter!" Sean cheered, playing a clip from the episode.

 _ **Shawn (Played by Rider Strong): Gee, Cor, I thought you'd be more excited to see me.**_

 **(Cory turns and sees Shawn)**

 _ **Cory (Played by Ben Savage): (Gasps) Yay!**_

 **(Cory hugs Shawn)**

 _ **Cory: I told you he was real!**_

 **(Auggie gets out from between Shawn and Cory)**

 _ **Auggie (Played by August Maturo): I'm okay, I'm alive.**_

 _ **Maya (Played by Sabrina Carpenter): So, that's us, huh?**_

 _ **Riley (Played by Rowan Blanchard): So I've been told.**_

"This episode had a _Boy Meets World_ vibe to it. Plus, it had some funny bits in it with Alan and the speaker box bit. And there was the one bit with Riley and Maya and Cory and Shawn as well."

 _ **Maya: So that's your dad's me?**_

 _ **Riley: Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Maya: We're them?**_

 _ **Riley: Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Maya: I don't see it.**_

 **(With Shawn and Cory sitting by the bay window)**

 _ **Shawn: So that's Riley's me?**_

 _ **Cory: Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Shawn: They're us?**_

 _ **Cory: Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Shawn: I don't see it.**_

"A hilarious episode with some well-done heartwarming moments jam-packed with callbacks and classic humor a la _Boy Meets World_. _Girl Meets Home for the Holidays_ will be enjoyed by GMW fans and newcomers alike." Sean said.

 **(A photo of Riley, Maya, Shawn, Cory, Auggie and Topanga sitting at Svorsky's Bakery with the words "Happy Holidays from** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **" on it.)**

 **Number 3:** _ **Jingle All the Way**_

"Okay, so you probably saw the Nostalgia Critic's review when he ripped that movie to shreds." Sean said as a clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of _Jingle All the Way_ starts playing.

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **review plays)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe one thing. "JINGLE ALL THE WAY" CAN JINGLE ALL THE WAY TO HELL! This is the worst Christmas gift since Donald Trump's toupee!**_

"I know that the film had some negative responses from some critics, I felt that it was a pretty good movie to watch during the holiday season. Plus, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. This movie shows the dark side of the holiday season, shopping for the gift that you're trying to get for your son. Back in the 80s and 90s people go Christmas shopping for Cabbage Patch Kids and Power Rangers, which leads to occasional violence and intense shopping. Hell, _TruTV's World's Dumbest Shoppers_ talked about holiday shopping and people going crazy and this movie shows it and also the beginning of the movie _Krampus_. But the bad thing about Jingle All the Way was the commercialism of Christmas so that's one thing that I can agree on with the critic. But hey, I have a ball every time I watch it just to hear Arnold say "Put that cookie down!". _Jingle All the Way_."

 **(A clip from** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **plays)**

 _ **Howard (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): It's Turbo Tiiiiiiiiime! (He flies off with the jetpack)**_

 **Number 2:** _ **Home Improvement**_

 **(Footage from** _ **Home Improvement**_ **starts playing)**

"Yeah, one of the most hilarious shows on ABC had the best Christmas episodes during it's 8-year run. They've had some great ones but it's hard to choose which Christmas episode of _Home Improvement_. Every time when they do a Christmas episode, Tim is always competing in the Christmas decoration contest against his rival neighbor Doc Johnson. There was an episode in season eight where it involves Randy coming home for Christmas and finds out that things changed since he's left for Costa Rica. And aside from that, Tim goes up against Al and Trudy in the Christmas decoration contest. If I can choose which one to pick, it would have to be from season four called _'Twas the Night Before Chaos_ where Tim's brother Marty and his wife and kids come to visit along with Jill's parents come to visit and she learns that her parents are having marital problems. Aside from that one of the funniest moments from the episode was when Tim and his brother Marty were trying to decorate Tim's house but they end up fighting. These episodes are just the perfect way to give your Christmas "More Power"." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Yule Better Watch Out**_ **Plays)**

 **(Tim, played by Tim Allen, grunts Jingle Bells with the audience of Tool Time)**

 _ **Tim: That's the spirit.**_

"Before I reveal which one made Number One on the list, here are a few runners-up." Sean said.

 **Runners-Up**

 _ **Die Hard 2: Die Harder**_

 _ **Red**_

 _ **Night Court (Season 9: Santa on the Lam)**_

 _ **Batman: The Animated Series (Holiday Knights)**_

 _ **Billy & Mandy Save Christmas**_

 _ **Ed Edd 'n' Eddy: Jingle Jingle Jangle**_

 _ **Best Friends Whenever: (Season 2: The Christmas Curse)**_

 _ **A Charlie Brown Christmas**_

 _ **A Christmas Story**_

 _ **Batman Returns**_

 _ **Lethal Weapon**_

 **Number 1:** _ **Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life**_

 **(Clips from the film starts playing)**

"What's there to say about Frank Capra's classic movie? It's a Christmas classic for everyone to watch during the Christmas season. When I first watched this movie when I was young, I was totally hooked. It tells the tale of a man who has given up his dreams in order to help others until his guardian angel comes in to help him by showing him what life would have been like if he had never existed." Sean said.

 _ **Clarence (Played by the late Henry Travers): You're nobody. You have no identity.**_

 _ **George Bailey (Played by the late James Stewart): What do you mean no identity? My name is George Bailey!**_

 _ **Clarence: There is no George Bailey.**_

 **(George searches his pockets for identification, finds none)**

 _ **Clarence: You have no papers, no cards, no driver's license, no 4F card, no insurance policy.**_

"It wasn't a hit when it first came out in 1946, but, when it started airing on TV in the 70's, it became the cult classic it is. This film make us realize what a good and wonderful life we truly do have." Sean said.

 **(A clip from Christmas With The Joker starts playing)**

 _ **Batman: I could never get past the title.**_

"Shut up, Batman!" Sean yelled and points at the camera. "Over the years, there were countless parodies of the film. Many shows have poked fun at the film: _Night Court, Married…With Children, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons, That 70s Show_ , the series finale of _Dallas_ back in 1991, _Friends, Supernatural, One Tree Hill_ and _Family Guy_. Also, the _Tiny Toon Adventures_ Christmas special which was the series finale called _It's a Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special_. Check the film out, it's a movie that everyone would want to watch. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings. _It's a Wonderful Life_ will always be a wonderful movie." Sean said.

 _ **George Bailey: (Looks heavenward) Attaboy, Clarence.**_

"Well, that is all for the _Top 12 Christmas Specials and TV Shows_. Happy holidays to you all. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from his desk and walks out of the office while Johnny Mathis' rendition of _It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year_ starts playing, but stops playing as Sean runs back inside the office sits back down in his chair.

"DIE HAAAAAAAAD!" Sean yelled out as a clip from the trailer starts playing.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Die Hard**_ **trailer plays)**

 _ **Hans (Played by the late Alan Rickman): Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?**_

 _ **John (Played by Bruce Willis): Yippee-ki-yay, mother…**_

 **(Cuts to an explosion)**

"It's a Christmas movie!" Sean points at the camera.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Merry Christmas!**_

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's Top 12 Christmas Movies and TV Shows**_ **. If there's anything on the list that I haven't talked about, I'll mention it for the Christmas in July one in July. I hope that you liked it. Next time, it's** _ **Die Hard**_ **! Is it considered the best Christmas movie ever? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I hope you all have plans for Christmas, if you're going out of town, have a safe and pleasant trip and a happy holidays. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	7. Episode Five Part I: Die Hard

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Only five days till Christmas and this review is going to be a two-parter. Today, the Mayhem Critic is going to talk about the most awesome, action-packed Christmas movie ever. And that movie is** _ **DIE HARD**_ **! The definitive Christmas movie packed with guns, terrorists and a shitload of explosions. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Die Hard**_ **! Sit back, relax, grab yourself a hot cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows and whipped cream and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Five: Die Hard (Part I)**

On a Wednesday afternoon in Cincinnati. Sean was in a cheery yet festive mood as he steps outside, with Dean Martin's rendition of _Let It Snow_ starts playing and he starts singing.

 _Oh the weather outside is frightful._

Sean realizes that he's outside without a coat on in this 35 degree temperature.

"Holy shit, it's cold!" Sean runs back inside.

 _But the fire is so delightful._

Sean puts his hand close to the fireplace to warm up, he accidentally places his hand on the fireplace gate and burns his hand.

"Ow, fuck!" Sean exclaimed.

 _And since we've no place to go._

"What the? Where the hell are my Christmas cookies?!" Sean exclaimed and picked up his combat knife and threw it at a DVD copy of _A Christmas Story 2_. "Ah, there."

Sean heads upstairs and enters his office, sitting down at his desk as he finishes the song before starting the review. " _Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it….DIE HAAAAAAAARD!"_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Die Hard**_ **trailer plays)**

 _ **Announcer: Bruce Willis. Die Hard.**_

"Die Hard, the most awesome yet manly, testosterone-packed action film of all time. Simply shouting out the title of the movie will send your testosterone count to over 9,000. Like so, _DIE HAAAAAAARD_!" Sean shouts the name of the movie.

 **(A clip from** _ **Friends**_ **season seven episode Th** _ **e One with the Nap Partners**_ **plays)**

 **Ross (Played by David Schwimmer): Yeah!**

 **Ross and Joey (Played by Matt LeBlanc): Die Haaaard!**

" _DIE HAAAARD_!" Sean shouts again.

 **Ross: Yeah!**

 **Ross and Joey: Die Haaaard!**

" _DIE HAAAARD_! Wait a minute. Oh, yeah. Bruce Willis did guest star on _Friends_. He played Ross' girlfriend's father who dated Rachel." Sean said. " _Die Hard_ was released on July 15, 1988 during the golden age of 80's action flicks. This film has a pretty interesting production history so allow me to begin. In 1966, novelist Roderick Thorp published a crime story called _The Detective_. The detective in question was Joe Leland, he's hired to investigate the death of a widow's husband. A film adaptation was released two years later and it starred the late Frank Sinatra as Joe Leland. The film was billed as a more "adult" approach to depicting the life and work of a police detective. The film was a box-office success and it became the 20th highest earning film of the year and due to the success of the film, Thorpe was asked to write a sequel. So, the sequel he wrote was _Nothing Lasts Forever_. Oh, man. That sounds like the title of a James Bond movie. Fox offered Swoonatra the lead role as Joe Leland once again, but the problem is that he declined the role, which makes sense with him being 64 years old at the time, but I digress. The story of _Nothing Lasts Forever_ would go to good use as it would be re-worked as a sequel to the 1985 film _Commando_ starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and it was intended for Schwarzenegger to reprise his role as John Matrix but he wasn't interested either because he wasn't too keen on doing sequels at the time."

 **(Posters of** _ **Terminator 2, The Expendables 2, Terminator 3, Terminator: Genisys**_ **and** _ **The Expendables 3**_ **pop up around Sean)**

"Oh, the times have changed, my friends. But Fox really wanted Schwarzenegger, so they re-worked the story so it could be it's own stand-alone film and the character John Matrix would be changed to John McClane. But Arnold was still not interested. The script was offered to different actors like Mel Gibson, Sylvester Stallone, Harrison Ford, Don Johnson, Richard Gere, Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds. Wait, Richard Gere? Richard Gere's too of a nice guy to be playing as John McClane. So, no current action star was interested so who did they pick? They went with Bruce Willis." Sean said as a clip from the hit ABC show _Moonlighting_ starts playing.

 **(A clip from** _ **Moonlighting**_ **plays, showing the character David Addison, played by Bruce Willis, starts singing The Temptations'** _ **My Girl**_ **)**

"20th Century Fox has made the dumbest, smartest decision ever since Warner Bros. made the dumbest decision for casting Ben Affleck as Batman. But yeah, Bruce Willis, he was then known as a comedic television actor and he was best known for his role as David Addison from _Moonlighting_ and he also did a couple of Seagrams commercials as well. Not a bad choice, as far as I can see. So let's see what director John McTiernan and Bruno the Kid cooked up for us. This is _DIE HARD_!" Sean shouts. "By the way, _Bruno the Kid_ is a cartoon from 1996 by BKN and it starred Bruce Willis as the title character and the ungodly CGI animation of him."

 **Sean: (Narration) Our merry tale opens New York detective John McClane, played by Bruce Willis, arriving in Los Angeles, and he gets some unorthodox travel tips.**

 _ **Businessman (Played by Robert Lesser): You wanna know the secret to surviving air travel?**_

"Don't have sex in airplane bathrooms?" Sean asked.

"What secrets? For me, it's have a smooth flight." Brian said, sipping his hot chocolate.

 _ **Businessman: After you get where you're going, take off your shoes and your socks then walk around the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes.**_

"Wait, what?" Sean asked.

 _ **Businessman: Take off your shoes and your socks then walk around the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes.**_

"Oookay." Sean said in his Bull Shannon voice and raised his eyebrow. "That works too, I guess. I mean, it's better than saying this."

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean (as the Businessman): Look, what you want to do is after you get where you're going, unbuckle your belt then pull down your pants and underwear and make your ass sneeze.**

 **(John stays silent)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narration) After we've established that airport security in 1988 is totally lax, we're introduced to a somewhat important character named Argyle, played by De'voreaux White. Who you might recognize him as the Guitar Thief from** _ **The Blues Brothers**_ **. Argyle is the limo driver that Holly's boss has arranged for John.**

 _ **John McClane (Played by Bruce Willis): What do we do now?**_

 _ **Argyle (Played by De'voreaux White): I was, uh, hoping you could tell me. It's my first time driving a limo.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) Argyle happens to be a former cab driver and incredibly intuitive, which we get an exposition dump about McClane's family life.**

 _ **John McClane: 'Cause I'm a New York cop. I got a six-month backlog on New York scumbags I'm still trying to put behind bars. I don't just get up and move.**_

 _ **Argyle: You mean you thought she wouldn't make it out here and she'd come crawling on back, so why bother to pack, right? (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narration) And boy, the late 80's is fully realized when Argyle plays some Christmas rap.**

"I am not joking, my friends. He started playing _Christmas in Hollis_ by Run D.M.C., I am not making this shit up." Sean grinned.

 _ **John: You call this Christmas music?**_

 _ **Argyle: This is Christmas music.**_

 **(** _ **Christmas in Hollis**_ **starts playing as the camera pans up, giving us a shot of Nakatomi Plaza)**

"Fun fact: that's Fox Plaza, Twentieth Century Fox's official headquarters. Or known as Weazel Plaza in _Grand Theft Auto V_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narration) Argyle drops John off and opts to stick around in the parking garage in case things go sour between John and Holly. And judging that Holly doesn't go by "McClane" anymore, she goes by "Holly Gennaro".**

 **(Sean notices a goof in the film)**

"Hey, wait a minute." Sean said, picking up the remote and rewinding back to play back the mistake. "Did anyone notice that? Before the screen changed, the spelling for Holly's last name was "Gennaro" with an "A", and then her name's spelling changed after selecting her name. I should've mentioned this on my _Mask of the Phantasm_ review, but there's a goof where right after Batman leaves Andrea's apartment, she drops a glass and we hear the sound of the glass shattering, and then the camera zooms out and we see that the glass is still in one piece. Come on, guys. Stop goofing up movies. I mean, I get annoyed when someone mispronounces my name wrong."

"Hey Sean, I was wondering if…." Sean's intern Barry enters after he mispronounces his name wrong. Sean picks up a Christmas cookie and throws it at Barry.

"It's Sean, you idiot! Get my name correct!" Sean yelled.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I won't get your name wrong again!" Barry cried as he ran out of Sean's office.

 **Sean: (Narrating) John reaches up to the office Christmas party, he meets Holly's boss, Joseph Takagi, a Japanese native, played by the late James Shigeta. And he's from Hawaii. Then, we also meet Douchey McDoucheburger himself Harry Ellis, played by Hart Bochner.**

"And trust me, if you think that Councilman Arthur Reeves from _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ was the biggest asshole on the face of the Earth, then you have not met Ellis." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's not long until John's wife Holly, played by Bonnie Bedelia. Who you might know her as Macauley Culkin's aunt. Yeah, she's related to Macauley Culkin. Another fun fact.**

 _ **John McClane: He's got his eye on you.**_

 _ **Holly Gennaro (Played by Bonnie Bedelia): It's okay, I have his eye on his private bathroom.**_

"For washing up or for the stash of cocaine?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Things seem to go well for John and Holly, in hopes of reconciling again. Until John fucks it up by bring up the whole last name thing.**

 _ **John McClane: I guess you didn't miss my name though, huh? Except maybe when you're signing checks?**_

 _ **Holly Gennaro: This is a Japanese company. They figure a married woman's got….**_

 _ **John McClane: You are a married woman, Holly. You are married to me.**_

 _ **Holly Gennaro: Are we going to have this conversation again? We did this in July.**_

 _ **John McClane: We never finished this conversation in July.**_

"Okay, I know that John was being a dick about this but why couldn't Holly have "McClane" as her last name? It's bad-ass. You take someone's first name and make it sound amazing." Sean said as photos of different movie and television show characters pop up.

 **(A photo of Phil Dunphy from** _ **Modern Family**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: Phil… McClane!**

 **(The photo of Phil Dunphy changes with Phil having sunglasses, a beard and a cigar in his mouth and explosions behind him)**

 **(A photo of Lucas Friar from** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: Lucas… McClane!**

 **(The photo of Lucas changes with Lucas having sunglasses on his face, two samurai swords and an explosion behind him)**

 **(A photo of Kylo Ren from** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: Kylo… McClane!**

 **(The photo of Kylo Ren changes with a mustache on Kylo Ren's face)**

"It just works. Take full advantage of it, woman!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narration) But enough of all that, something fishy is going on when a group of deadly European terrorists arrive at Nakatomi to cause some trouble, starting with the front desk.**

 **(Karl and Theo enter the building and walk up to the front desk)**

 _ **Theo (Played by Clarence Gilyard Jr.): So Kareem rebounds, right? Feeds Worthy on the break, over to A.C., to Magic, then back to Worthy, right?**_

 **(Karl pulls out his silenced pistol and shoots the guard at the front desk)**

 _ **Theo: Boom! Two points!**_

"Uh, shouldn't you say something like "Boom, goes the dynamite."?" Sean asked. "Oh, and also the body count has started."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our friendly neighborhood hacker named Theo, played by Clarence Gilyard Jr. from** _ **Walker, Texas Ranger**_ **, and Karl played by the late Alexander Godunov. But they're not as important as we're introduced to the big bad guy of the movie named Hans Gruber, played brilliantly by the late Alan Rickman. The group closes all of the doors and puts the building on lockdown before crashing the party.**

"Looks like Hans Gruber is going to be a daunting adversary but no need to fear, my friends, because action star Bruce Willis is here to save the day." Sean said.

 **(John is making fists with his toes)**

 _ **John McClane: Son of a bitch. (Laughs) Fists with your toes.**_

"Christ, Bruce. You're not helping me out here." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Hans and his men make their way up to the 30** **th** **floor and crash the party and start rounding up some hostages, giving John the opportunity to slip past the henchmen only to escape to the next floor and come up with a plan while at this time Hans is calmly looking for Mr. Takagi.**

 _ **Hans Gruber (Played by the late Alan Rickman): Where is Joseph Takagi? Joseph Yoshinobu Takagi, born Kyoto, 1937.**_

 _ **Holly Gennaro: (Whispers) Don't move.**_

 _ **Hans Gruber: Family emigrated to San Pedro, California, 1939. Interned at Manzanar, 1942 to 1943.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Takagi speaks up as Hans leads him out of the group and takes him up a floor in the longest elevator ride ever and into a meeting room to get some information out of him.**

 _ **Hans Gruber: I need the code key because I am interested in the $640 million in negotiable bearer bonds that you have locked in your vault. And the computer controls the vault.**_

 _ **Takagi (Played by the late James Shigeta): You want money? What kind of terrorists are you?**_

 _ **Hans Gruber: (Chuckling) Who said we were terrorists?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) John eavesdrops on the conversation but I just want to make one thing very clear that Takagi's logic was stupid which results in this. I mean, a man is threatening your life and all you have to do is give him the code to stay alive. So, what do you do?**

 _ **Takagi: You're just gonna have to kill me.**_

"Huh?" Sean asked.

 _ **Hans Gruber: Okay.**_

"Oh, wait..don…don't….the code!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Hans fires his gun and shoots Takagi in the head)**

"You fucking idiot! You should've given him the code but instead you had to be an idiot and have your brain matter splattered all over the door!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narration) After witnessing Takagi's death, John hastily retreats, only to make enough noise to spook the bad guys, but he still slips away like he's in a stealth video game and desperately wanting to inform the authorities he pulls the fire alarm on the 32** **nd** **floor and advertently alerting the bad guys who know exactly where he is, but it doesn't go well as the terrorists call them off and send one of the goons up to the 32** **nd** **floor.**

 _ **Tony (Played by Andreas Wisniewski): The fire has been called off, my friend. No one is coming to help you. You might as well come up and join the others. I promise I won't hurt you.**_

"Yeah, right." Sean scoffed. "If you're not going to hurt me, then I'm Scarlett Johansson."

 **Sean: (Narrating) John distracts Tony, played by Andreas Wisniewski, and manages to hold him at gunpoint.**

 _ **Tony: You won't hurt me.**_

 _ **John McClane: Yeah? Why not?**_

 _ **Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.**_

 _ **John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two of them get into a scuffle, with the help of Bruce Willis' stunt double, and John comes out victorious by breaking the guy's neck. Like any decent gamer, John loots the corpse and grabs himself an MP5, a radio and a lighter, then sends Tony down to the 30** **th** **floor in an elevator just to give Hans a special Christmas gift.**

 **(The female worker screams as she notices Tony's corpse in the elevator)**

 _ **Hans Gruber: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho-Ho-Ho."**_

 _ **Fritz (Played by Hans Buhringer): A security guard we missed?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we find out a little something about Tony that he has a brother named Karl and when Karl finds out that his brother is dead…..**

 **(Karl throws the desk down in rage after learning about Tony's death)**

 _ **Karl (Played by the late Alexander Godunov): I want blood!**_

"Jesus Christ, is Karl a freaking vampire and all of a sudden he wants blood?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Karl is highly pissed and he wants to kill McClane, but Hans tells him to cool his jets and not alter the plan. Meanwhile, John makes his way up to the roof in an attempt to call emergency services via radio.**

 _ **Police Supervisor (Played by Diana James): Attention, whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only.**_

 _ **John McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?!**_

"I forgot how many awesome quotable lines were in this movie and this is one of them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While John is trying to convince the police that there are terrorists in the building, Hans sends Karl and his men up to kill him but Karl has a personal vendetta against McClane and they interrupt McClane's call by shooting at him. Didn't Hans tell him not to alter the plan?! Also, the police sends someone down to check it out and here we are introduced to….**

 **(The theme song to** _ **Family Matters**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This guy buying Twinkies is Sergeant Al Powell, played by Carl Winslow himself Reginald VelJohnson and he's buying a bunch of Twinkies. A whole lot.**

 _ **Sgt. Al Powell (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): They're for my wife. She's pregnant.**_

 **(The clerk nods)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Powell gets a call to check out the commotion going on at Nakatomi and….**

 **(Sean sees the gas price on the sign)**

"Damn! 75 cents? That's cheap gas. Well, it's 1988 and adjust it for inflation that's…." Sean said as he picks up his phone to use his calculator. " $1.50. Wha…wha…what?! $1.50?! Damn, that's cheap gas!"

 **Sean: (Narration) Back on the roof, John manages to escape from a bloodthirsty Karl through the elevator shaft and…..**

 **(John falls and screams)**

"Wow. I haven't seen anyone go down a shaft that far since Riley Rei…." Sean said before being interrupted by a clip from the movie Bronson.

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Bronson**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): Shut your fucking mouth!**_

"Oh, come on! Just let me finish my dirty jo…." Sean said before being interrupted again.

 _ **Bronson: Shut the fuck up, you ***_ _ **beep**_ _ ***!**_

"But…." Sean said.

 _ **Bronson: Shut it!**_

"Sorry." Sean said, pouting and looks down at his desk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But with all do seriousness, John manages to escape from the baddies and tries to signal Powell about some real shit that's going down, he has a random encounter with Heinrich and Marco, played by Gary Roberts and Lorenzo Caccialanza, and a gunfight ensues.**

 **(John shoots and kills Heinrich as Marco jumps up on the table while John crawls underneath)**

 _ **Marco (Played by Lorenzo Caccialanza): You are dog now. No more table. Where you going, pal? Next time when you have a chance to kill somebody, don't hesitate.**_

 **(Marco gets ready to shoot John, but John ends up shooting Marco and kills him)**

 _ **John McClane: Thanks for the advice.**_

"Okay, I love this scene but a quick reality check. Let's see how many bullets that John has fired." Sean said before going back to the clip where John kills Marco.

 **(John kills Marco, with 17 shots)**

"17 shots. He fired 17 shots. My friend, he has mastered the 80s and 90s unlimited ammo cheat. Guess I'll have to take full advantage." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 _ **Marco: Next time when you have a chance to kill someone, don't hesitate.**_

 **Sean: Okay.**

 **(Sean picks up his gun and starts shooting, a clip from the CSI: Crime Scene Investigation episode** _ **Targets of Obsession**_ **plays, making it act like Sean is shooting at Justin Bieber)**

 **Sean: (In his John McClane voice) Thanks for the advice.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After he kills Heinrich and Marco, Powell leaves after figuring out that things are hunky dory in the hood and being the clueless officer that he is. You know, guns tend to be loud and especially in this movie they used extra loud blanks that caused Bruce Willis to suffer permanent ear damage, and this Twinkie eating idiot doesn't even no….**

 **(Marco's body lands on Al's patrol car, getting Al's attention)**

 _ **Al: (Screams) God damn it! Jesus H. Christ!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Thank you!**

 **(One of the terrorists shoot at Powell)**

 _ **John McClane: Welcome to the party, pal!**_

"Uh, I believe you meant to say was this." Sean said.

 _ **John McClane: (His voice replaced by Steve Urkel's voice) Did I do that?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The police finally arrive as they lay siege to the building while John talks to Hans over the radio and have a friendly chat with each other while John steal's Heinrich's bag, which is filled with C-4 explosives and detonators.**

 _ **Hans Gruber: Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Tango & Cash**_ **plays)**

 _ **Lt. Raymond Tango (Played by Sylvester Stallone): Rambo is a pussy.**_

 _ **Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?**_

 _ **John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.**_

"That sounds like something that Lucas Friar from _Girl Meets World_ would say to a terrorist while trying to save his wife Riley. Well, hell. Lucas is from Texas, so yeah. Wait, I just have a thought, a remake of _Die Hard_ with Peyton Meyer as John McClane, Rowan Blanchard as Holly Gennaro McClane and Adam Driver as Hans Gruber. Adam Driver will have to master the accent though." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile outside, the LAPD take siege in front of the building, we meet Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson, played by the late Paul Gleason, who is less convinced of the random good guy's intentions.**

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson (Played by the late Paul Gleason): Powell, has it occurred to you he could one of the terrorists pulling your chain?**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: I don't think so, sir. In fact, I think he's a cop.**_

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: How do you know that?**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: A hunch. Things he said like being able to spot a phony ID.**_

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: Jesus Christ, Powell! He could be a fucking bartender for all we know.**_

"Bartender? Really? Has this man ever been to New York?" Sean asked.

"My dad has to watch this movie every Christmas." Brian said, sipping his white wine.

"And speaking of bartender, here's a fun fact: Bruce Willis was the spokesperson for Seagrams Wine Coolers. So, yeah, he's been singing and dancing about wine coolers in the 80s before this movie. Oh and here's another fun fact: Roger Ebert didn't like the character Dwayne T. Robinson and I mean he really didn't like the character. He gave the movie a 2. The biggest complaint that he had about the movie was that he didn't like the deputy. And I don't blame him, I like the movie but I didn't like the deputy and Ellis. These are two guys that I wanted to punch in the face. And we'll get to Ellis later, trust me on that. What he does will make you want to hate the character and punch him in the face." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the cops arriving at Nakatomi, this arrogant prick of a reporter named Richard Thornburg, played by William "I Am Not Making Any** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **Jokes" Atherton, is on the scene reporting about the Nakatomi situation, which gets the attention of Argyle. Argyle tries to escape but gives up.**

 **(Argyle looks in the mirror and sees the teddy bear)**

 **Sean: (V/O as the teddy bear) I love you.**

 _ **Argyle: Shut up!**_

 **Sean: Robinson, being the idiot that he is decides to send a S.W.A.T. team straight in. And the terrorists start shooting at the lights.**

 _ **Capt. Mitchell (Played by the late Matt Landers): It's panic fire. They can't see anything.**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: They're shooting at the lights.**_

 **(The terrorists starts shooting at the searchlights)**

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: They're going after the lights.**_

Sean takes his glasses off and facepalms. "No shit, Sherlock!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of stupid, watch what happens to the S.W.A.T. while they're trying to break into the building.**

 **(The terrorists start shooting at the S.W.A.T. team)**

 **(A clip from Decker Shado plays)**

 _ **Decker Shado: Yeah, they deserved that.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After having their men get shot, the LAPD send in with an armored vehicle and the bad guys use a rocket launcher and….**

"Let me work on my AuzzieGamer impersonation for this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating and imitating the AuzzieGamer) The bad guys grab a rocket launcher and blow that motherfucker sky fucking high! Yeah! After seeing the LAPD S.W.A.T. team getting shot at and blown to bits, John decides to send a little gift to James and Alexander, played by the late Wilhelm von Homberg, who you might recognize him from this movie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **plays)**

 **Vigo the Carpathian (Played by the late Wilhelm von Homberg but voiced by Max Von Sydow): I Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, command you.**

"And Alexander is played by Joey Plewa, who…actually what has Joey Plewa acted in besides Die Hard anyway?" Sean asked and he sees a poster of Michael Jackson: HIStory on Film – Volume II and sees that he's a producer for the music video You Are Not Alone. "Oh, he produced some music videos. Yeah."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, John drops off a little Christmas gift to James and Alexander, by blowing up the floor they're on. Uh, how is that possible? You do know that when you use C-4, you have to use a detonator to detonate the bomb. You don't drop it instantly, duh.**

"That's it for part one of the Die Hard review. Tune in next time for part two, where things get intense. And now for our commercial break. Let's hope it's a Seagrams commercial with Bruce Willis in it." Sean said.

 **And that's part one of the Die Hard review. I could've finished it last week but I have been busy with work and stuff and I have been exhausted with work. Since I'm off Monday through Friday, I have time to update my stories and post new ones. Someone has requested a** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **Christmas one involving Smackle, Maya and Farkle, I have a new** _ **Fuller House**_ **story involving Jackson, Rocki and Ramona in the works, a new Rucas story is in the works as well. Updates for** _ **Juliet's World**_ **,** _ **Her Protector II**_ **,** _ **Return to Riverdale**_ **and** _ **The Blood of Family**_ **are coming up as well. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. After this review, which movie for 2018 do you want me to review? Either** _ **Die Hard 2: Die Harder**_ **, the Macauley Culkin movie** _ **Richie Rich**_ **,** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie**_ **,** _ **The Rescue**_ **(the 1988 Kevin Dillon movie) or the Christopher Lloyd movie** _ **Camp Nowhere**_ **? I'll see you guys next time for part two of the Die Hard review and I hope that you all had a good Christmas. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	8. Episode Five Part II: Die Hard

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you part two of the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Die Hard**_ **. Hope that you all had a great Christmas and 2018 is coming up. So, let's not waste any time, here's part two of the** _ **Die Hard**_ **review. Enjoy.**

 **Episode Five: Die Hard (Part II)**

Sean is seen sitting at his desk with a smile on his face as he begins his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come, and I am happy with the gifts I got and what did Santa get me? Well, I got an Xbox One X. That's the world's greatest Christmas gift of the year and I'll have to do some after-Christmas shopping to get a new game for my system and maybe a new movie as well for the next review in 2018. And I did see _Star Wars: The Last Jedi_ as well on Christmas and I really enjoyed it. Can't wait till it comes out on DVD so I can review that and _The Force Awakens_ before _Star Wars Episode IX_ comes out in 2019. But enough about that, let's get on with the review, shall we?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after blowing up two more of Hans' men with the C4, John gets scolded by Robinson for blowing up a building.**

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: I don't know who in the hell do you think you are or what you're doing but you just destroyed a building. I've got 100 people down here and they're covered with glass.**_

 _ **John McClane: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass?**_

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: Now you listen to me, you little asshole….**_

 _ **John McClane: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got buttfucked on national television, Dwayne!**_

 **(Argyle laughs)**

"Okay, I have to admit I love this scene because McClane definitely let that idiot have it. That is totally priceless." Sean said, chuckling a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile with the hostages. Getting tired of sitting on his ass waiting for someone to come help him and not do anything, Ellis decides to go talk to Hans and negotiate with him.**

Sean looks on after he hears the castle thunder sound effect. "Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be a bad idea? Oh, wait. The fucker is high."

 _ **Harry Ellis (Played by Hart Bochner): Hans, bubby, I'm your white knight.**_

 _ **Hans Gruber: I must have missed 60 Minutes. What are you saying?**_

 _ **Harry Ellis: The guy upstairs is fucking things up, huh? I can give him to you.**_

"While you're at it, why don't you get Detective Bullock and the GCPD to corner Batman at a construction site and try to blow him away, you douchebag?!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Partiers**_ **plays)**

 _ **Tonya Harding: God! Just one more person I just want to slap!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ellis gives Hans the information he needed to know who Bruce Willis is playing and most like his business deals, Ellis did do some BS and fuck up a few things.**

 _ **John McClane: Ellis, you shouldn't be doing this.**_

 _ **Harry Ellis: Tell me about it.**_

 **(One of the terrorists hands Ellis a glass and opens a can of Coca-Cola)**

"Uh, dude. That's not the kind of coke that Ellis asked for. He meant the white, powdery kind that you sniff. Haven't you ever seen _The Wolf of Wall Street_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) John does not give into their demands and Ellis' plan got SNAFU'ed.**

 **(Hans kills Ellis off-screen as the hostages scream and Holly looks on in shock)**

"Five years later, Hart Bochner gets owned by Mark Hamill." Sean said as a clip from _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ plays.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays)**

 _ **Joker: Makes you want to laugh. Doesn't it, Arthur? (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that deal was a complete bust, Robinson is pissed at McClane and Powell starts going off on him.**

 _ **Sgt. Powell: Can't you read between the lines? He did everything he could to save him. If he gave himself up, they'd both be dead right now!**_

 _ **Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson: No way, man. No way. They'd be talking to us. Listen. You tell this partner of yours pal to stay the hell out of this for now on, you hear me? Because if he doesn't, I'm gonna nail him, boy. I'm really gonna nail his ass now. Believe me.**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: He is alone, tired, and he hasn't seen diddly-squat from anybody down here! Now, you're gonna stand here and tell me that he's gonna give a damn about what you do to him if he makes it out of there alive? Why don't you wake up and smell what you shoveling.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Matters**_ **plays)**

 _ **Officer Carl Winslow (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): (Yells) LIKE A BONEHEAD!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Hans contacts the LAPD and makes some very odd demands to have certain criminals released in exchange for the hostages and this catches the attention of the FBI, who arrive minutes later and we're introduced to Agent Johnson, played by Grand L. Bush, and Special Agent Johnson, played by Robert Davi from** _ **The Goonies**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Tiny Toon Adventures**_ **plays)**

 _ **Buster and Babs Bunny (Voiced by Charlie Adler and Tress MacNeille): No relation.**_

 _ **FBI Special Agent Big Johnson (Played by Robert Davi): Sounds like an A-7 scenario.**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: Aren't you forgetting something?**_

 _ **FBI Special Agent Big Johnson: Such as?**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: What about John McClane? He's the reason why we have any information we have up until now. He's also the reason why you're facing seven terrorists instead of twelve.**_

"Okay, I just want to nitpick about something here. The movie messed up something here. The characters in _Die Hard_ claim that there are twelve terrorists and on the poster it said twelve terrorists, when in fact there are thirteen terrorists. Let me name them: Tony, Heinrich, Marco, Alexander, James, Fritz, Franco, Theo, Uli, Kristoff, Eddie, Karl and Hans. Sounds like the German version of Santa's reindeer. How do you fuck up something like this?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Hans goes to check to see if the explosives are attached to the roof, until he's confronted by McClane.**

 _ **John McClane: (After Hans looks up at him) Hi, there.**_

 **(Hans looks at John. The scene fades to black after a gunshot is heard, indicating that John shot Hans. Then the end credits play with Let It Snow playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, no that did not happen. But in actuality, that should've happened. What really happened was that Hans fakes an American accent and passes himself off as an escaped hostage and somehow it works.**

 _ **Hans Gruber: (Talking in an American accent) I managed to get out of there and…uh…I was just trying to get up on the roof and see if I can signal for help, you know?**_

Sean starts laughing for a bit. "Okay, so let me get this straight. We have Alan Rickman, a British actor playing a German pretending to be an American."

 **(A clip from** _ **Tropic Thunder**_ **plays)**

 _ **Kirk Lazarus (Played by Robert Downey Jr.): I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!**_

 _ **Hans Gruber: You don't work for Nakatomi and if you're not one of them….**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, come on McClane, you can't see from that accent? It's Hans. Hell, you couldn't tell it's Hans if he was talking in a Southern accent.**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (As Hans, speaking in a Southern hillbilly accent) Woo-hoo! Howdy, McClane! My name is Bill Clay and I work for Nakatomi and it's nice to meet you. Hot Sally Mally!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) John gives Hans a gun to protect himself, it takes about a second for him to reveal who he is and John sorta knew because the gun is empty.**

 _ **John McClane: What do you think I'm fucking stupid, Hans?**_

 **(John looks back after the sound of the elevator bell rings)**

 _ **Hans Gruber: You were saying?**_

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that John knew, he fucked up.**

 **(Karl, Fritz and Franco step out of the elevator. John yells, runs and starts shooting at Fritz, instantly killing him. A firefight breaks out. John shoots at Franco, hitting him in his legs, causing him to fly head first into the glass)**

"Ow! Sheesh, man! I cringe every time I watch that scene." Sean winced as the scene plays back in slow motion. "Yikes!"

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episode** _ **The Puerto Rican Day**_ **plays)**

 _ **George (Played by Jason Alexander): That's gotta hurt!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Hans and Karl start shooting at the glass, which causes a problem for John because mind you he's not wearing any shoes.**

 _ **John McClane: Jesus Christ!**_

"Oh, man. Can you imagine if I was getting into a shoot-out with Hans and Karl. Here's what will happen." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean is yelling while shooting at Karl and Hans, Karl is shooting at the glass.)**

 **Sean: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Time out! Uh, stop shooting. Look, this is going to be a big problem for me because there's glass everywhere and I don't want to cut my feet because I'm not wearing any shoes and socks. So, stop shooting and let's grab a broom and a dustpan and clean this mess up. And maybe bring in a mop and a bucket of soapy water to mop up the blood that came out of Franco after I shot him in the legs and made him fly head first into the glass, splitting his head open.**

 **Hans Gruber: (Speaking in German) Fuck him! Shoot the glass!**

 **(Karl and Hans start shooting at the glass)**

 **Sean: What the hell? What the hell?! Are you kidding me?! Oh, the hell with this!**

 **(Sean runs)**

 **Sean: Ow! Ow! Ow! Goddamn it!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) John manages to give Hans and Karl the slip. Hans gets his detonators and Karl is pissed that he didn't kill McClane. Meanwhile, John is in the bathroom getting some glass out of his foot and pleasing gore lovers and foot fetishists alike. Powell calls John for a little pep talk and we get some sad backstory on Powell.**

 _ **Sgt. Powell: I had an accident.**_

 _ **John McClane: The way you drive? I can see why. What did you do run your captain's foot over with your car?**_

 _ **Sgt. Powell: I shot a kid.**_

"Was it Steve Urkel?" Sean asked.

 _ **Sgt. Powell: He was 13 years old. Oh, it was dark and he had a ray gun, it looked real enough.**_

"He was my neighbor. I have to tell you he was pretty annoying and he was driving me insane and I just wanted to shoot him. Nerdy little bastard." Sean said as a clip from _Family Matters_ plays.

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Matters**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Officer Carl Winslow: (Yells at Urkel) GET OUT!**_

 **(Carl chases Urkel out of the house)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after we get our sad history, the FBI cut the power to the Nakatomi building, instantly opening up the vault and now that they have their money the plan is to get the hostages off the roof for FBI extraction. Meanwhile with McClane, John makes a discovery and finds out that Hans intends to detonate the explosives on the roof and second…..**

 _ **John McClane: The roof is wired to…..**_

 **(Karl points his gun at John's head)**

 _ **Karl (Played by the late Alexander Godunov): We're both professionals. This is personal.**_

 **(Karl slams the radio down on the ground)**

"Okay, I just love Alexander Godunov as Karl in this movie. I mean, he played that character well because it is unbelievable is what I'm about to tell you and show is the same guy. Alexander Godunov was a Russian-American ballet dancer and he defected from the USSR, which caused an diplomatic incident between the US and the Soviet Union. Now, what I'm about to show you is the same guy. Roll the footage." Sean said.

 **(Footage from Alexander Godunov's ballet performance from 1982 starts playing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Shia LaBeouf**_ **by Rob Cantor plays, showing Shia LaBeouf applauding)**

"Who knew he could go from dancing to acting?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) McClane and Karl get into a fight to the death,** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **-style as John comes out victorious. Hans sees a news report by Richard Thornburg that features John and Holly's children, with Hans deducing that Holly is married to John.**

 _ **Hans Gruber: Mrs. McClane. (Pulls out his gun) How nice to make your acquaintance.**_

 **(Hans fires his gun in the air twice)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then he holds her hostage. Back on the roof, John kills Uli and sends the hostages downstairs and the FBI however mistake him as a terrorist while he fires his MP5 up in the air.**

 **(The FBI fire at John)**

 _ **John McClane: I'm on your side, you assholes!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as John McClane) Do you want me to flash my badge at you, dickhead?!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the hostages make their way back downstairs as Hans activates the detonators.**

 _ **Hans Gruber: Blow the roof.**_

 _ **Kristoff (Played by Gerard Bonn): But Karl's up there!**_

 _ **Hans Gruber: Blow the roof!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **VR Troopers**_ **plays)**

 _ **Ziktor (Played by the later Gardner Baldwin): Do it…NOW!**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Think about it for a second, Ziktor. There's no need to be blowing up buildings. Just carry on the plan like nothing happen and…" Sean said as a clip from _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ plays.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays)**

 **(The Joker hits the switch as we cut back to the movie as the roof of the Nakatomi building blows up)**

"Goddamn it, Joker!" Sean yelled.

 **(A clip of** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays again, this time with Joker's epic laugh)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Hans detonates the explosives, John jumps off from the roof of the building, the FBI agents Johnson and Johnson get killed in the explosion and things start exploding around McClane.**

 **(The elevator bell rings and explodes)**

 _ **John McClane: Jesus fucking Christ!**_

"What happened? Did Michael Bay kick John McTiernan out of the director's chair and took over? Oh, Christ. Can you imagine if Michael Bay directed _Die Hard_? Then it would be just explosions all around." Sean said as different scenes from _Die Hard_ are added with explosions.

 **(Clips of** _ **Die Hard**_ **starts playing, showing different scenes with added Michael Bay-style explosions)**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean is heating up a dutch apple pie in the microwave)**

 **Sean: (Sighs) Only five seconds left until my pie is wa….**

 **(The microwave explodes)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Argyle spots Theo preparing to leave an ambulance, that they conveniently have for some reason and Argyle rams into the vehicle and knock Theo the fuck out. And then we come to John's showdown with Hans, who's holding Holly hostage.**

"Hey, he has only two bullets left and he knocked out Kristoff with his MP5, I'm sure that John will probably fake…." Sean said.

 **(John throws down his gun)**

"Maybe he'll attack them by showing _Hudson Hawk_." Sean said.

 _ **Hans Gruber: Enough jokes.**_

"Hey, it's my review. So you shut up asshole!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then John has a plan by distracting Hans and Eddie, giving him ample opportunity to grab his concealed pistol taped to his back and shoots both Eddie and Hans.**

 _ **John McClane: Happy trails, Hans.**_

 **(Hans crashes through a window but grabs onto Holly's wrist. Holly screams. Robinson, Powell and the rest of the LAPD look up)**

"Wait a minute, you can hear the screaming coming from thirty floors up but you couldn't hear the two gunshots? Alright, let's do a little lesson. This is how loud a scream is." Sean said as a woman's scream his heard.

Sean then picks up his pistol from off of his desk.

"And this is how loud a gunshot is." Sean said as he fires his pistol next to his ear and screams before doing his imitation of Sterling Archer. "Mawp, mawp, mawp."

 **Sean: (Narrating) John unclasps Holly's rolex, causing Hans to fall to his death in a spectacular fashion. John and Holly get out and meet Powell, and they all live happily ever after….**

"OR DO THEY?! Sean asked.

 **(Right when John is about to punch Robinson, someone screams as John turns around, only to see Karl, who's still alive, attempting to shoot McClane)**

"AHHHHH! It's the walking dead! Everybody, shoot this motherfucker!" Sean yelled out as he fires his pistol.

 **(As Sean fires his gun, a clip from** _ **The Untouchables**_ **plays with Eliot Ness firing his shotgun, a clip from** _ **Scarface**_ **plays with Tony Montana firing his M16 with grenade launcher attachment, a clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays)**

 _ **S.W.A.T. Officer: There he is, men!**_

 **(Fires his gun)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **plays with Tyrion Lannister firing his crossbow, a clip from** _ **Three Fugitives**_ **plays with the police shooting, then cut to a clip of Karl getting shot.)**

 _ **Dugan (Played by James Earl Jones): Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Hold your fire!**_

Sean stops firing his pistol, then fires a safety shot just in case. "Sorry. Gotta aim at the head so he won't come back to life like FP Jones from Scream."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out it was Powell who shot Karl. Very smart move to give a guy who shot a thirteen year old a gun. Holly and John go their way and Holly punches out Dickless Thornburg, Argyle crashes through the gate and reunites with John. John and Holly kiss in the back of the limo. Cue** _ **Let It Snow**_ **and roll credits.**

"And that was _Die Hard_ and it was awesometacular as always. It's one of the smartest action movies ever made. The book it was based on was more detailed and it was much dark in the realism factor. Some of the most famous action scenes from the film are taken from the book. For example: McClane dropping C-4 down an elevator shaft, McClane jumping off an exploding roof with a fire hose attached to his waist and then shooting through a window to gain entry and McClane taping his gun to his back at the film's climax. And speaking of the climax, the film's climax was different from the book. In the book, the character Joe Leland shoots Anton "Little Tony The Red" Gruber multiple times and falls out of the window, grabbing Leland's daughter Stephanie and they both fall to their deaths. In the film, the movie ends with Hans Gruber doing the same to Holly, only to fail due to McClane saving Holly's life. Now, does _Die Hard_ do anything wrong? Well, I do have to nitpick a little on two things: 1. The police in the movie are complete idiots and the only competent cop is a guy who eats Twinkies. And 2. Bruce Willis' stunt double. I mean, I know that Bruce Willis doesn't want to get himself hurt but he should've done his own stunts. So they got veteran stunt actor Keii Johnston to perform Willis' stunts for him and boy you can see Johnston's face. Okay, that's all for my nitpicking, here's some good things about the film. The acting is amazing, the lines are so damn memorable, you gotta love the late Michael Kamen's thrilling music score and the visual effects too. For those of you who claim that _Die Hard_ is not a Christmas movie, I read an article. Well, two articles. One from Steven E. de Souza, the screenwriter of _Die Hard_ and Rep. Steve Scalise. de Souza stated on Twitter that _Die Hard_ is indeed a Christmas movie. And Steve Scalise said an I quote: "Let's be clear, _Die Hard_ is a great Christmas movie." So, there. It's a Christmas movie. I don't need to say anything else, this movie kicks-ass and it's my favorite film to watch every time and around the holidays. "If you haven't seen _Die Hard_ , then you are seriously missing out. That's why I'm giving _Die Hard_ five explosions out of five. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline – Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.**

 **And that was part two of the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Die Hard**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed part two of this hilarious review. Coming up next time, which movie will be the first movie of 2018 for the Mayhem Critic to review? Here are your choices:**

 _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie**_ **: Sean and his friend Brian review the 1995 film based on the TV show. Is it worth the watch?**

 _ **The Rescue**_ **: Sean reviews the 1988 movie about a group of kids invading North Korea to rescue their Navy SEALS fathers.**

 _ **Richie Rich**_ **: Sean goes back to his childhood and reviews the 1994 film starring Macauley Culkin.**

 _ **Die Hard 2: Die Harder**_ **: Sean takes a look at the sequel to the hit film. Is it better than the original?**

 _ **Camp Nowhere**_ **: Doc Brown, Biff Tannen, a young Lucky from** _ **General Hospital**_ **and cameos from Burgess Meredith, Captain Will Riker and his wife Laura Spencer from** _ **General Hospital**_ **. What the hell did Sean get himself into? Will this be the movie that will break him or make him go insane? And also, a young Jessica Alba is in the movie.**

 **So, which one would you like for me to review next? Don't forget tor review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And if you want to co-review a movie or a TV show with me (It could be either a movie or a TV show from the 80s, 90s or now). If you're interested, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	9. Episode Six: Power Rangers The Movie

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you a brand-new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. It's 2018 and it's time for the first review of 2018. And today's review, Sean and his friend Brian look back at the 1995 film** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie**_ **. Is the film worth the watch or does it suck major balls? We'll find out today in the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy as he takes you back to your childhood.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Six: Power Rangers: The Movie Part I**

Sean is seen once again sitting in front of his desk, this time he's holding the Dinozord Megazord from _Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers_. And sitting next to him is a man at the age of 30 with brown hair and blue eyes who's sipping a glass of root beer. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today's review is a very special one because this is my first ever co-review for 2018 and today's co-host is my friend Brian." Sean says before we're introduced to his friend Brian.

"Thank you, Sean. Hello, I am Brian and it's nice to be here. Thank you for having me here, Sean." Brian said.

"You're welcome, Brian. Before we begin today's review, let's talk about the biggest part of our childhood." Sean said before cutting to the title screen for _Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers_.

 **(Clips from the show starts playing)**

 **Sean: (V/O)** _ **Mighty Morphin'**_ **fucking** _ **Power Rangers**_ **. This is the SHIT. When we were growing up, it became a pop culture phenomenon in the 1990s alongside a large line of action figures and other merchandise. If there was anything that brought back that old early nineties nostalgia, it would be this.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (V/O) And** _ **Batman**_ **.**

 **(More clips from** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers**_ **starts playing)**

 **Brian: (V/O) The show is about five teenagers, make that six since Tommy joined the Power Rangers in later episodes and together they save the world from the evil Rita Repulsa and in season two Lord Zedd. With the help of Japanese stock footage. And as kids, we enjoyed watching the show and other shows from Saban Entertainment.**

 **(Posters of** _ **Masked Rider, Big Bad Beetleborgs**_ **and** _ **VR Troopers**_ **pop up)**

"The show became a huge hit on Fox Kids Network and it's rising toy sales, that in 1995 20th Century Fox and Saban Entertainment struck a deal to make a big-budget live-action movie that unlike the show has 100% American footage and release it in theaters." Sean said as a clip from the trailer plays. "A movie like that is going to be the biggest phenomenon in the summer of 1995. I was three years old at the time and Brian was seven years old but still this was big."

"The question now is how well does the movie hold up capturing the spirit of the show? Well, the show was pretty campy at times but screw it, it's Power Rangers." Brian said.

"So without further ado, it's reviewin' time!" Sean said before cutting to the title card.

 **(The title card shows Sean, as the White Ranger and Brian as the Red Ranger getting ready to fight Ivan Ooze)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens in the most clichéd way possible, rolling text crawl in space telling us the exact premise of the show. Man, if there was one way to make this opening better.**

 **(The** _ **Star Wars**_ **theme by John Williams starts playing)**

 **Brian: (V/O) Well, for those who are new to** _ **Power Rangers**_ **, they can get a little backstory on the show.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the title of the movie.**

 **(The title says** _ **Power Rangers: The Movie**_ **, instead of** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie**_ **)**

"Uh, where's the " _Mighty Morphin'_ " part of the title? I mean, it's on the DVD, the VHS, the posters, the video games, the soundtrack, the comic, the trading cards and the toys but yet it's not in the movie? You cheap bastards." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After our opening title, we then open the movie properly where our six teenagers with attitude participating in a charity skydive for the Angel Grove observatory.**

"Seriously? That's how we're going to start the movie? This film has a budget and they use it to go skydiving? They are some cheap bastards." Sean said.

"Skydiving? Really?" Brian asked.

"Skydiving does not go well. Trust me, I've seen _World's Dumbest Partiers 3_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Partiers 3**_ **starts playing the clip of the groom and the best man skydiving into the wedding but with the best man landing on someone's car)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our characters of the movie: Tommy Oliver played by Jason David Frank, Rocky DeSantos played by Steve Cardenas, Kimberly Hart played by Amy Jo Johnson, Billy Cranston played by David Yost, Aisha Campbell played by Karan Ashley and Adam Park played by Johnny Yong Bosch.**

"Now, I know what you're thinking. Who's Rocky, Aisha and Adam? Where the hell is Jason, Trini and Zach? Following production of the first 20 episodes of season two, Austin St. John, Thuy Trang and Walter Jones left the show over a contract dispute."

 **Brian: (Narrating) Aside from Power Rangers, joining them in the charity skydive are Bulk and Skull, played by Paul Schrier and Jason Narvy.**

 _ **Bulk (Played by Paul Schrier): Alright, pinheads. The Stealth Eagle is about to fly.**_

 _ **Skull (Played by Jason Narvy): Ditto for the Swooping Swallow.**_

 **(Sean and Brian start laughing)**

 _ **Aisha (Played by Karan Ashley): Well lead on, flyboys.**_

 **(Bulk and Skull open the plane door and look down, their jaws drop and their eyes widened in shock)**

 _ **Skull: That's a lot of air!**_

 _ **Bulk: After you, Skull!**_

 _ **Skull: What are you crazy? This was your idea!**_

 _ **Kimberly (Played by Amy Jo Johnson): Hey guys, you might want to slip those on. (Points to the parachutes)**_

 _ **Bulk and Skull: (Turn to each other) Good idea.**_

"Let me guess, first time skydiving, eh, dummies?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After our heroes make their grand entrance, we're introduced to an important character in the movie named Fred.**

 **(A picture of Fred Flinstone pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) No, not that Fred.**

 **(A picture of Fred, played by Lucas Cruickshank, pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Definitely not that Fred.**

 **(A picture of Fred Fredburger from** _ **The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy**_ **pops)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, Christ. You're not even trying.**

 **(A picture of Fred, played by Jamie Croft, pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Thank you.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) This is Fred Kelman, played by Australian actor Jamie Croft. Fred here is friends with the Power Rangers. Despite the fact that Fred wasn't even in the show.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of characters on the show, Bulk and Skull miss the target zone and ends up landing on a construction site where a group of construction workers unearth a giant purple egg from underground.**

"Now, whatever you do, do not touch the giant purple egg from underground." Sean said.

 **(The construction worker walks up the egg and reaches for it to touch it)**

"Do not touch the giant purple egg from underground." Brian said.

 **(The construction worker reaches over to the egg)**

"DO NOT TOUCH THE GIANT PURPLE EGG FROM UNDERGRO….!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

 **(The construction worker gets zapped after touching the giant purple egg)**

"What did we say? What did we fucking just say?" Sean asked while Brian shook his head.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we cut to the Rangers in what they do best….rollerblading.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jesus Christ, what the hell are they doing? Rollerblading, seriously? First, they're skydiving for charity and now they're rollerblading. Oh, my God! You guys are the Power Rangers! Teenagers with attitude! And these are the heroes that Zordon entrusted us with? And they're rollerblanding!**

"Fuck, this movie's gonna suck!" Sean exclaimed.

"Relax, it'll get better, dude. Trust me." Brian told him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Rangers are then summoned by their wise and giant head-in-the tube-mentor Zordon, who's played by Nicholas Bell. A British actor. And he's voiced by the late Robert L. Manahan. And his assistant Alpha 5, played by Peta-Maree Rixon and is voiced by Richard Horvitz from** _ **The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy**_ **. Horvitz is credited as Richard Wood.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Zordon then tells the Rangers about a morphological being known as Ivan Ooze, who ruled the world with an iron fist until he was overthrown by Zordon and a group of young warriors.**

 _ **Zordon (Voiced by the late Robert L. Manahan): You are dealing with an evil that's beyond all imagination.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Airplane!**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dr. Rumack (Played by the late Leslie Nielsen): I just want to tell you both good luck we're all counting on you.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back at the construction site, we find the villains of the show arriving to crack the giant purple egg to release Ivan Ooze. Here we get Lord Zedd played by Mark Ginther and voiced by Robert Axelrod, Rita Repulsa played by Julia Cortez and voiced by Barbara Goodson, Goldar played by Kerry Casey and voiced by Kerrigan Mahan and uh….uh….uh…**

Sean makes a look and points at the boar henchman. "Who the hell is the pig?"

 **(A clip from** _ **The Lion King**_ **plays)**

 _ **Pumbaa (Voiced by Ernie Sabella): Are you talking to me?**_

 _ **Timon (Voiced by Nathan Lane): Uh-oh, they called him a pig.**_

 _ **Pumbaa: Are you talking to me?**_

 _ **Timon: Shouldn't have done that.**_

 _ **Pumbaa: Are you talking to me?!**_

 _ **Timon: Now they're in for it.**_

 _ **Pumbaa: They call me Mr. Pig! (Yells)**_

"Wait a minute, was he even on the show? The only pig that I remembered was Pudgy Pig." Sean said as a picture of Pudgy Pig from the episode _Food Fight_ pops up. "I've never seen this guy in any of the episodes. Where the hell is Squatt, Baboo, Finster? Hell, even Scorpina and Rito Revolto? Why are they replaced by this damn pig?! It's just so weird and confusing!"

"Blame the director. He didn't do the research." Brian said as Sean picked up his DVD copy of _Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie_ and looked to see who directed the film.

"You're on my list of directors to punch in the face, Bryan Spicer." Sean points and glares at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, this boar henchman is named Mordant. He's played by Jean Paul Bell and is voiced by Martin G. Metcalf. And before you ask. No, he did not appear in the show. This movie is an alternate version of the "Ninja Quest" season in season three.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Lord Zedd then cracks the giant purple egg and releases Ivan Ooze. He is played by Paul Freeman. Who you might recognize him from this movie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **plays)**

 _ **Rene Belloq (Played by Paul Freeman): Dr. Jones, again we see there is nothing you can possess which I can take away.**_

 _ **Ivan Ooze (Played by Paul Freeman): (After being release by Lord Zedd) Ladies and gentlemen, the Ooze is back!**_

 _ **Goldar (Played by Kerry Casey and voiced by Kerrigan Mahan): Yeah!**_

 _ **Rita Repulsa (Played by Julia Cortez and voiced by Barbara Goodson): He's so handsome.**_

 **(Lord Zedd turns to his wife)**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Why, thank you.**_

"Hey kids, look! It's the guy who opened the Ark of the Covenant and had his head blown off." Sean smiled as a bunch of kids start cheering.

 _ **Ivan Ooze: How can I ever repay you?**_

 _ **Lord Zedd (Played by Mark Ginther and voiced by Robert Axelrod): Do you recall the name Zordon of Eltar?**_

 _ **Ivan Ooze: (Yells) Raaahhhaarrr!**_

"And apparently hearing the name Zordon made him extremely pissed off." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Rangers finally arrive at the construction site where they then encounter the purple slimebag himself.**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: They call me Ivan Ooze.**_

 _ **Rocky (Played by Steve Cardenas): Well pack your bags 'cause we're sending you back where you came from.**_

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Gee. A teenager with a big mouth.**_

 _ **Kimberly: You obviously don't know who you're dealing with, Mr. Raisin Head.**_

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Really?**_

 _ **Tommy (Played by Jason David Frank): Yeah. We're the Power Rangers.**_

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Whoo! Where's my autograph book? Ha!**_

Sean and Brian both chuckle a bit at the Ivan Ooze character. "Oh, man. Paul Freeman is having a ball at playing this character. I mean he just hams it up like Ian McDiarmid from the _Star Wars_ movies.

 **Brian: (Narrating) He then unleashes his purple dreadlocked putties to deal with the Rangers before he goes after Zordon.**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Welcome to my nightmare! (Laughs) Ha ha ha ha!**_

"Dude, you are not Alice Cooper." Brian said as a photo of the character Alice Cooper from The CW show _Riverdale_ pops up.

"Wrong Alice Cooper. That's Madchen Amick as Alice Cooper from _Riverdale_." Sean said as a photo of Alice Cooper, the rock singer, pops up. "There we go."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our first fight scene for the movie.**

 _ **Tommy: Welcome to my nightmare.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say, this fight scene is not that bad. I thought it was pretty awesome and….**

 _ **Adam (Played by Johnny Yong Bosch): Ever play kick the can?**_

 **(Adam kicks the can at the oozeman)**

 _ **Aisha: Kiss and make up.**_

 **(Aisha slams the oozemen against each other)**

 _ **Adam: Let me get the door.**_

 **(Adam hits the oozeman with a door. A cartoony sound effect is heard)**

 **(Billy throws the oozeman on the ground and punches it in the chest, then he sees purple ooze on his hand)**

 _ **Billy (Played by David Yost): You ooze, you lose.**_

 _ **Kimberly: Sit down.**_

 **(Kimberly kicks the oozeman to the ground)**

"Oookay, who wrote this stuff and who worked on the audio mixing?" Brian asked.

"I mean this isn't the freaking _Batman & Robin_ movie. There's no need for cartoony sound effects and bad one-liners." Sean said as a clip from _Batman & Robin_ plays.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **starts playing)**

 **** _ **Robin (Played by Chris O'Donnell): It's the hockey team from Hell.**_

"SHUT UP!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After getting their asses handed to 'em on a silver platter by the Oozemen, there's only one thing left to do.**

 _ **Tommy: It's morphin' time.**_

 **(The** _ **Power Rangers**_ **theme starts playing while they morph into the Power Rangers)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah! Now, we're talking. The Oozemen are in for it now. Let me talk about the suits, they look awesome. It's better than the ones on the series. Meanwhile, back at the Command Center, Zordon warns Alpha that Ivan Ooze is on his way here.**

 _ **Alpha (Played by Peta-Maree Rixon and is voiced by Richard Horvitz): Don't worry. Nobody enters the command center without a power coin.**_

 **(Alpha sees purple ooze oozing through the door)**

"So, I guess Ivan Ooze is allowed in the command center?" Brian asked. "Uh, Alpha, take this piece of slime out of here."

 **(Alpha hits Ivan Ooze in the chest. Ivan Ooze burps and zaps Alpha)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Zordon) Most. Useless. Character. Ever.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) And then what happens next would scar children in theaters.**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: And now it's time to pay the piper.**_

 **(Ivan blows on a pipe flute and causes destruction to the command center)**

"Whoa! Oh! Oh, sweet Jesus!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Oh, the things that I have missed: the black plague. The Spanish Inquisition…**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Monty Python's Flying Circus**_ **plays)**

 **(The door flies open and in come three Cardinals in red robes)**

 _ **Cardinal Ximinez (Played by Michael Palin): NOBY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!... Surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our four… no… Amongst our weapons… Hmf… Amongst our weaponry… are such elements as fear, surpr… I'll come in again.**_

 _ **Ivan Ooze: The Brady Bunch reunion.**_

Sean and Brian start laughing at Ivan Ooze's line. "Okay, that was pretty funny but how the fuck does he know about the Brady Bunch reunion? What did he have a TV Guide in that egg he was imprisoned in?"

"Ad-lib." Brian said.

"Oh, Paul came up with that line." Sean said.

"Yep." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Ivan Ooze destroys the command center and incapacitates Zordon while back at the construction site, the Rangers search for the Oozemen and Sean you're right about the costumes for the movie. They look pretty awesome. They're much better than the spandex suits from the show. I mean there's no way that they can ruin it by…**

 _ **Aisha: Activating power beam.**_

 **(Aisha activates the power beam on her helmet)**

 **Brian: (V/O) D'oh!**

"Ahhh! God damn it! Bright light! Bright light!" Sean exclaimed as he covered his eyes.

"Oh, my eyes! My beautiful eyes!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Are you kidding me? Why would you ruin their awesome suits by adding a power light feature to it? What's next, you're going to have one of the Rangers activate a power scope to their helmet?**

 _ **Rocky: Activating power scope.**_

 **(Rocky activates the power scope on his helmet)**

 **Sean: (V/O) I should've kept my big mouth shut.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rocky spots one of the Oozemen and then we get another fight sequence and this is a pretty cool fight scene. It makes you forget of the film's plot inconsentenc…**

 **(Tommy kicks the oozeman and sends it flying to the wall, causing it to splat)**

"Ohhh!" Sean exclaimed and covered his mouth in shock.

"That never happened to the putties on the show." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) My God. Did you just see that? They just exploded that guy literally! He's nothing but a purple puddle of blood and….**

 **(Aisha kicks another oozeman into a crane)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, my God! There goes another one!**

"Christ! It's bad enough that parents are angry about that show being too violent for children. This is some _Mortal Kombat_ -type stuff." Brian said.

 **(The Liu Kang bicycle kick sound plays as Tommy kicks the oozeman to the wall, causing it to splat)**

 **Sean: (V/O as the** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **announcer) Tommy Oliver wins. Flawless Victory. Fatality.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) So after crushing their enemies literally, the Rangers begin to lose their powers and return to the Command Center and witness the destruction left by Ivan and also find Zordon, who's outside his time-warp and is rapidly aging and dying.**

 _ **Zordon: The power has been destroyed. It is gone… the zords, the weapons, all of it. The Power Rangers are no more. Ivan Ooze has won.**_

 _ **Kimberly: Zordon, you can't leave us! Ever since you came into our lives, you've been like a father to us all.**_

"That's true. Zordon has been like a father to you. Uh, just one quick question, where the hell are these kids' parents? I mean, do they ever show up? What? They don't know that their kids are about to travel to another planet to find the great power? Do they even know that their kids are Power Rangers?" Sean asked.

"Well, we did see their parents in the two-part episode _Return of an Old Friend_ back in season one and no they don't know that they're Power Rangers." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alpha then tells the Rangers that there's a great power that can save Zordon and it's on the distant planet of Phaedos and using the last of the Command Center's power, the Rangers are teleported to Phaedos racing in the nick of time to save Zordon.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back on the moon, Ivan Ooze returns to Lord Zedd's palace and Rita has some choice words for him.**

 _ **Rita Repulsa: You egg-sucking purple pinhead! The Rangers are going after the Great Power! I thought you said this guy was the master of disaster.**_

"Son of a bitch, I'm getting sick and tired of her big mouth. Can someone please shut her up?" Brian asked, getting annoyed with Rita Repulsa's mouth.

 **(Ivan oozes Rita's mouth shut)**

"Thank you, sir." Brian said.

 _ **Ivan Ooze: The bogeyman is taking over.**_

 _ **Lord Zedd: No one double-crosses Lord Zedd and lives!**_

 **(Lord Zedd zaps Ivan with his Z Staff)**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: (While being zapped) Aah! Aah! Ooh! Aah! Oh, stop it! It tickles! (Laughs) Ha ha ha! My turn.**_

 **(Ivan Ooze traps Lord Zedd and Rita in a snowglobe)**

"Remember when Lord Zedd was menacing?" Sean asked as clips from the show start playing.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Mutiny Part 1**_ **plays)**

 _ **Lord Zedd: Quiet! Those Power Rangers are nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself an empress of evil?! You're not fit to destroy a cockroach!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Changing of the Zords Part 1**_ **plays)**

 _ **Alpha: I don't like you E-Ed.**_

 _ **Lord Zedd: It's Zedd, you blinking bucket of bolts! Lord Zedd!**_

"And because of you parents complaining about how menacing Lord Zedd looks and that he scares your children, you turned him into a bumbling idiot!" Sean yelled.

 _ **Rita Repulsa: Way to go, bonehead.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ivan gives Goldar and Mordant the choice to either serve with him or be trapped in the snowglobe with Rita and Zedd. So, they end up serving him just to save their asses. Then Ivan creates an army of Tengu Warriors made from his own purple loogie. Eww. And sends them down to Phaedos to destroy the Rangers.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Rangers arrive on Phaedos and they come across a goat, alien thingy and Kimberly found an ocean.**

"Oh, man. These teens with attitude are fucked." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, for those of you who are fans of Tommy/Kimberly, we get a little Timberly moment for the movie.**

 _ **Kimberly: I was just thinking about Zordon. You know, everything we've been through together.**_

 _ **Tommy: Look, he's gonna make it. We'll find this power and then send that slimeball Ivan Ooze back to the sewer he crawled out of.**_

 **(Kimberly smiles at Tommy)**

"Awww, well isn't that precious. I bet Tommy and Kimberly are going to have a long and healthy relationship throughout the series." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Power Rangers Zeo**_ **episode** _ **There's No Business Like Snow Business**_ **plays)**

 _ **Adam (Played by Johnny Yong Bosch): (Reading Kimberly's letter) Tommy, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. You've always been my best friend and in someways like my brother. But something has happened here that I can explain. It's both been wonderful and painful at the same time. Timmy, I've met someone else.**_

Sean stays silent for a moment. "Uh, well at least I started shipping Tommy and Kat after Timbery broke up. I mean, it's not like you could have Kimberly and Jason kiss in the reboot…" Sean said as a clip from the 2017 version of _Power Rangers_ starts playing, and in the scene shows Jason and Kimberly kiss in a deleted scene. "Really? Do you have to show us that?"

 **Brian: (Narrating) But character development is put on hold as the Tengas arrive to fight the Rangers and without their powers, well it was at that moment that the Power Rangers knew that they fucked up.**

"Fun fact: originally, this fight scene was much more brutal and gruesome. It involved one of the Tengas putting Kimberly in a chokehold, another Tenga pecking Tommy with it's beak and another one throwing Adam into a creek. This was toned down because they thought that it would be too gruesome for child audiences." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But luckily a female warrior arrives and saves the Rangers and scaring the Tengas off and then orders the Rangers to leave with their lives while they can.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The female warrior's name is Dulcea, Master Warrior of Phaedos, played by Gabrielle Fitzpatrick.**

 _ **Dulcea (Played by Gabrielle Fitzpatrick): Leave Phaedos before it's too late.**_

 _ **Aisha: Look, we don't want any trouble. Our leader Zordon…**_

 _ **Dulcea: Zordon? Did you say Zordon?**_

"Apparently, Zordon is the safe word for her." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Rangers tell Dulcea that Zordon was attacked by Ivan Ooze and that he is free, so she agrees to help the Rangers find the great power. Meanwhile, back in Angel Grove, Ivan establishes an abandoned factory as his personal lair and comes up with a plan to build a pair of weapons that Zordon buried long ago. These weapons are the Ectomorphicon Titans, but by digging up the Titans, he needs a little more manpower to dig them out. And how does he do that?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Spaceballs**_ **plays)**

 _ **Yogurt (Played by Mel Brooks): Merchandising.**_

"What? Merchandising? What kind of silly plan is he going to come up with? Is he going to disguise himself as a wizard and sell his ooze to kids and teens so when their parents touch the ooze it brainwashes them and turns them into his obedient slave laborers?" Sean asked.

 **(Ivan is shown disguised as a wizard)**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Guys and girls, girls and guys, gather around and feast your eyes. I promise you all you just can't lose when you've got your own supply of Ivan's ooze.**_

Sean and Brian are both looking dumbfounded after hearing about Ivan Ooze's plan.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episode** _ **The Pez Dispenser**_ **plays)**

 _ **Steve D'Giff (Played by Bill Applebaum): That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.**_

 _ **Kramer (Played by Michael Richards): Whoa. Wait a minute.**_

"Oh, brother." Brian said, making a facepalm. "What's next? Is he going to advertise his ooze on televisi…."

 **(Ivan's AD starts playing)**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Hi, folks. Ivan Ooze here. Are you bored with your work? Are you bored with your life? Then come on down to Ooze City and let's get sticky!**_

 _ **Alpha: Ayeyaiyaiyaiyai!**_

"You've gotta be kidding me." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Phaedos, Dulcea teaches the Rangers about Ninjetti. Sounds like the name of an Italian sportscar that drives on land and water. A chick magnet car.**

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Smartest Inventions**_ **plays)**

 _ **John Enos: This it the most (beep) awesome car ever. Who do I have to blow to get in one of these?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dulcea cannot join them on their journey, so she gives them new powers based on the Ninjetti animals: the red Ape, the black Frog, the blue Wolf, the yellow Bear, the pink Crane and the white Falcon. And poor Adam, he's upset that he's a frog.**

 _ **Adam: I'm a frog.**_

 _ **Dulcea: Yes, a frog! Like the one you kiss. (She kisses Adam) To get a handsome prince.**_

"Play the clip." Sean sighed.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Nostalgia Critic's Power Rangers: A Look Back**_ **plays)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic (Played by Doug Walker): What the hell is that? Kissing is my superpower? You shittin' me? They get the strength and the swift and I get kissing? What kinda bullshit is that? Don't let her get away with that, stand up for yourself maggot! Hey! Hey bitch, get back here! Where's my real superpower? Hey! Hey! HEY! Fuck this man, I'm gonna go into anime.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) After Dulcea gives them their ninja powers and turns into an owl. Weird. Ninjor never turned into an owl in the show. Although, he did sound like Dudley Do-Right. On their way to the Great Power, they face a giant living dinosaur skeleton and four Gatekeepers of the temple and they have another fight scene.**

 **(After one of the Gatekeepers get cut in half)**

 _ **Billy: (Breaking the fourth wall) Talk about a splitting headache.**_

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean walks into the movie and points at Billy after his cheesy one-liner)**

 **Sean: No, stop! Billy, no! Don't! Don't go there.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Tommy: Ninjetti corkscrew kick.**_

 **(Tommy kicks the last Gatekeeper, sending it flying to the door)**

 _ **Tommy: Eightball, corner pocket.**_

"Oh, Christ." Sean said, taking off his glasses and making a facepalm after hearing Tommy's line.

"A reference to pool. Really, Tommy? Really?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After defeating the Gatekeepers of the temple, the Great Power is bestowed upon them, allowing them to morph into the Power Rangers again and return to Earth. Meanwhile, back in Angel Grove, Ivan's Ectomorphicon Titans Sorpitron and Hornitor are fully rebuilt as they wreck havoc in Angel Grove.**

 _ **Reporter (Played by Paula Morrell): The mayor has declared a state of emergency. He's asked that the city be immediately evacuated. Angel Grove has never before known….**_

"Wait, wait, wait a minute. Hold on. Are you trying to tell us that Angel Grove, a city that's always getting terrorized by giant monsters every weekday at three on Fox Kids considers two giant Insecticon rejects from _Transformers_ the worst disaster ever experienced? So, you don't think that this was the worst disaster ever?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the season two episode** _ **Goldar's Vice-Versa**_ **plays, showing a giant Goldar and a giant Scorpina, who's transformed into a giant scorpion monster, terrorizing Angel Grove)**

"Or what about the time when the Dragonzord wrecked havoc in Angel Grove?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the season one episode** _ **Green With Evil**_ **starts playing, showing the Dragonzord wrecking havoc in Angel Grove)**

"Hell, even Blue Globbor!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from the season three episode** _ **Master Vile and the Metallic Armor**_ **plays, showing a giant Blue Globbor in his final form)**

"But yet they call this a disaster that made everyone flee in terror. Uh, I'm sorry I'm gonna have to call bullshit on this one." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Pineapple Express**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dale Denton (Played by Seth Rogen): Bullshit!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) The Power Rangers return to Angel Grove and they call upon their new Ninjazords to battle the Titans. Okay, I don't care if the CGI in this movie sucks but the Zords look pretty cool.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Rangers destroy Scorpitron and corner Hornitor. Ivan gets angry and he….**

 **(Ivan starts fusing with Hornitor to increase his power)**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: I feel big again!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Office**_ **plays)**

 _ **Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carrell): That's what she said!**_

 _ **Kimberly: Oh, I'm gonna be sick!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Fred…**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy**_ **plays)**

 _ **Fred Fredburger (Voiced by C.H. Greenblatt): Yes.**_

"Not you." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Fred gathers up all of the kids of Angel Grove to save their parents from leaping to their doom. In a race against time, they operate a monorail?**

"Ooookay, I don't think these things go very fast." Sean said. "How does this kid even know how to work a monorail? He's only twelve. I mean, it's just like saying that Fred knows how to operate a crane."

 **(Fred is seen operating a cherry picker with a firehose, spraying at the parents to push them back further)**

"No way." Sean shook his head.

"And to quote Kimberly Hart in _Day of the Dumpster_ in season one, "Excuse me, but will like somebody come back to Earth and pick me up because I am totally confused."." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Rangers lure Ivan off of Earth and into space where they have a plan to lure Ivan into Ryan's Comet. But when Ivan grabs onto the Ninja Megazord, the Rangers are unable to break free from his grip as the comet draws near.**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Have you hugged your zords today? (Laughing)**_

 _ **Aisha: Desperate times call for desperate measures.**_

 _ **Kimberly: What are you doing?**_

 **(Aisha breaks the glass that says "For Emergency Use Only")**

 _ **Aisha: Taking care of business.**_

"Okay. Unless that button you're about to press involves bringing in the Ark of the Covenant and opening it up so it could make his head explode then you better press it right now, Aisha." Sean said.

 **(Aisha presses the button, throwing Ivan off their Megazord with a knee to the groin)**

 _ **Ivan Ooze: Uhh! Ohh!**_

"Ooh. Ouch, that had to hurt." Sean starts cringing a bit.

"I didn't expect the Rangers to be dirty fighters but damn." Brian said.

"Well, that's another villain who got kicked in the nuts. Don't believe me, take a look at Mask of the Phantasm." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **starts playing)**

 **(Andrea knees The Joker in the groin)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Ivan crashes into the comet and the parents of Angel Grove are back to normal. The Rangers return to the Command Center but Alpha gives them the bad news.**

 _ **Alpha: I'm afraid you're too late.**_

 _ **Billy: Too late?**_

 _ **Kimberly: This can't be happening.**_

"Oh, my god. Zordon died. Farewell, Zordon." Sean said.

 _ **Tommy: Remember what we learned? To those who possess the Great Power, all things are possible.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) They can find a way to bring Zordon back.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they form a circle around Zordon and infuse him with the energy of their new powers. And as a result, the energy of their new powers brings Zordon back to life and repairs the Command Center. And with Zordon saved, the Rangers celebrate their victory with a well-deserved victory party and fireworks and they thank Fred….**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy**_ **plays)**

 _ **Fred Fredburger: Yes.**_

"Shut up!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They thank Fred for his role in saving the parents.**

 _ **Aisha: I heard you're in line to be a Ranger yourself one of these days.**_

 _ **Fred (Played by Jamie Croft): Nah. That's impossible.**_

 _ **Tommy: Hey, anything's possible.**_

Sean and Brian almost spit out their root beer.

"Tommy, don't fucking jinx it for us Power Rangers fans." Sean said.

 _ **Fred: Fred Kellman, the Silver Ranger.**_

 _ **Billy: It does have a certain ring to it.**_

 _ **Fred: Fred Kellman, the Gold Ranger.**_

"Ha! Jason beat you to it, ya little bastard! Besides, there's no way in hell that there will be a kid Power Ranger." Sean said.

"Dude, _Turbo_?" Brian said.

"Ugh! Why did you have to bring up _Turbo_?" Sean asked, rolling his eyes in disgust.

 **Brian: Then we get this awesome fireworks display for the Power Rangers, and when a message thanking the Power Rangers is lit, Bulk and Skull are offended.**

 _ **Skull: Power Rangers?**_

 _ **Bulk: Bulk and Skull.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Angel Grove is once again saved, thanks to the Power Rangers. Roll credits and play me off Van Halen with that awesome song!**

 **(The credits roll as Van Halen's** _ **Dreams**_ **starts playing)**

"And that was Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie. And what do we think of it…." Sean said before being interrupted by the mid-credits scene.

 _ **Goldar: I am King Goldar the Ruler of the Universe! Ha ha ha ha!**_

 **(Goldar and Mordant turn to see that Rita and Lord Zedd returned)**

 _ **Goldar and Mordant: Huh?**_

 **(Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa enter the throne room)**

 _ **Goldar and Mordant: Uh-oh!**_

"Oh, you're in for it now." Brian said.

 **(The credits roll as Shampoo's** _ **Trouble**_ **starts playing)**

"And that was _Power Rangers The Movie_. We really enjoyed it." Sean said as clips from the movie start playing. "Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't make it a good movie. I mean, it has some of it's faults like the padding in the film, the corny jokes and the bad CGI. Even though Ivan Ooze is a lame villain, I still find him enjoyable."

"Me too. I feel that this movie captures the essence of the show. The show could be a bit cheesy at some times. The show and the movie is a big part of our childhood just like other nostalgic shows but this movie brings back great memories." Brian said.

"This film is a guilty pleasure to watch every time. If you're in for a good riff or if you want to introduce this movie to your kids who are new to _Power Rangers_ , check it out. We're gonna give this film three Sabas out of five. Well, that's it for today's review. I would like to thank my friend Brian for joining me for this review." Sean said.

"Thank you, Sean. It was an honor to be here." Brian said.

"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time. Now, if you excuse us, we're going to binge on _Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers_ on Netflix." Sean said before leaving.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **It's morphin' time!**_

 **And that was episode six of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I would like to thank fellow writer Boris Yeltsin for helping me out with this review. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean pays tribute to director Tobe Hooper by taking a look at the 1986 science fiction movie** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **. Is this one of Hooper's best films yet? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. By the way, if you're interested in co-reviewing a movie or a TV show with me, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	10. Episode Seven: Invaders From Mars (1986)

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, so here's how I am going to plan out my reviews, I'll probably do like two or three reviews every month. If the review takes long for me to post, then it'll be pushed back to another month. But don't worry, I'll keep you guys updated. Today, the Mayhem Critic takes on Tobe Hooper's 1986 remake of** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **. Is this one of Hooper's best films? We'll find out today in chapter seven of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Seven: Invaders From Mars**

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about Tobe Hooper." Sean says before we cut to a shot of director Tobe Hooper before Sean continues to speak.

"Back in 1974, Hooper terrified us with his cinematic masterpiece _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_. The film was a huge success and it was the best and most influential horror film in cinematic history. After the success of _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ , this resulted in him directing more movies such as _Eaten Alive, The Funhouse_ and the TV version of _Salem's Lot_. Then in 1982, he directed the classic supernatural horror film _Poltergeist_ , one of my favorite movies. Although, there's been a big debate on who directed the movie, either Hooper or Steven Spielberg. Let's face it, Hooper directed the movie and Spielberg wrote the screenplay for the movie and he was the producer as well. Hooper was one of the greatest directors of all time. Sadly, back in August of 2017, he passed away due to a terminal illness. His legacy will live on. And what better way to pay tribute to Tobe Hooper is to look at his greatest work _Poltergeist_." Sean said as we briefly cut to the title for _Poltergeist_ and clips of the movie start playing.

"So, in loving memory of Tobe Hooper, I give you…." Sean said before being interrupted by the sound of his phone's ringtone playing the theme from _Batman: The Animated Series_ and he answers it. "Hello? Huh? I'm not reviewing _Poltergeist_? But I swore it was my next review and I said that I was going to review…. What?"

Suddenly, Sean's eyes widened in shock.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no! HELL NO! I'M NOT GONNA REVIEW THAT STUPID MOVIE!" Sean yelled as the phone call ends. The young critic sits his phone down on his desk, staying silent for a bit and exhales sharply, gritting his teeth and clenching his fist. "Motherfu….!"

 **(We briefly cut to the title of today's movie** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **and clips from the film start playing)**

"Ugh, I cannot believe that I'm going to review this piece of crap! There's no way that I can pay tribute to the late Tobe Hooper without talking about how bad this movie is. This was the second movie of the three-picture deal that Hooper had with Cannon Films. If you don't know what Cannon Films is, it's because they're not around anymore. Yeah, that company crashed and burned like Logan Paul's YouTube career." Sean said before we cut to different films that The Cannon Group produced back in the 80s. "Okay, younglings. You're about to learn about Cannon Films. Back in the 80s, Cannon Films had a reputation. It was owned by the late Menahem Golan and his cousin Yoram Globus. Cannon was best known for their B-movie action films. They ignited the Ninja craze with The Ninja Trilogy, which consists of _Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja_ and _Ninja III: The Domination_ all starring Sho Kosugi. They were also known for the dance films _Breakin'_ and _Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo_. And they also produced some of the Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson action movies that I enjoyed. Yes, I actually enjoyed watching them. Let's go back to 1984, Tobe Hooper had a meeting with Golan-Globus, they wanted to create a blockbuster film. And that movie was Lifeforce." Sean said as we cut to clips from the movie _Lifeforce_.

"The movie was based on the book _The Space Vampires_ by the late Colin Wilson. Golan-Globus gave Hooper $25 million dollars and gave him free reign. The film was a financial disaster but it gained a cult-following. I can see why it gained a cult following, Mathilda May's naked throughtout the whole damn film! And to be honest, I didn't have a problem with Lifeforce, I pretty much enjoyed. That is until Hooper directed a second movie for Cannon Films. This movie is a remake of a film from 1953. And that movie is called _Invaders From Mars_. Am I looking forward to reviewing this movie? No. No, I am not. Just be glad that the Nostalgia Critic didn't review this movie and lose his mind. I know I will. This is _Invaders From Mars_." Sean said before starting the review.

 **(The main opening credits of the film start)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our film opens with the longest opening credits and…Okay, why does the opening credits look so familiar? Oh, no. They're ripping off the opening credits from** _ **Superman II**_ **.**

 **(The opening credits of** _ **Superman II**_ **start playing)**

"Hey, _Superman_ 's got a better cast. _Superman_ has Gene Hackman. _Invaders From Mars_ has Laraine Newman. Huh? Laraine Newman from _Saturday Night Live_? Bad casting choice, Hooper!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from the** _ **SNL**_ **skit** _ **Exorcist II**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Regan (Played by Laraine Newman): (Menacing) Your mother eats kitty litter!**_

 _ **Father Karras (Played by the late Richard Pryor): (Not sure he heard what he heard) Say what?**_

 _ **Regan: (Menacing) Your mama eats kitty litter!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, I can give the film some credit, Christopher Young's music score is amazing. (Sees that the screenplay was written by the late Dan O'Bannon and Don Jakoby) Wait a minute, Dan O'Bannon and Don Jakoby? This movie was written by Dan O'Bannon? He wrote the screenplay for** _ **Alien**_ **. And Don Jakoby wrote the screenplay for** _ **Arachnophobia**_ **. Dan O'Bannon and Don Jakoby also worked on the John Badham movie** _ **Blue Thunder**_ **back in 1983.**

 **(Sean then sees that John Dykstra has done the visual effects for the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the visual effects were done by John Dykstra. He did the visual effects for the first** _ **Star Wars**_ **movie back in 1977.**

 **(Sean then sees the late Stan Winston's name in the opening credits)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Invader Creatures designed and created by the late Stan Winston. He also did the make-up effects for** _ **The Terminator**_ **,** _ **Aliens**_ **and** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **.**

"Alright, here's a quick recap: the people involved with this movie worked on _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ , _Poltergeis_ t, _Alien_ , _Arachnophobia_ , _Blue Thunder_ , _Star Wars_ , _The Terminator_ , _Aliens_ and _Jurassic Park_. Uh, this movie is supposed to be bad, right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean (Narrating): Our film opens, with Hooper trying to appeal to young boys, have a main character who's a kid and he's into astronomy. Meet young David Gardner played by Hunter Carson. And this is his father George Gardner, played by Timothy Bottom, and we see that the two of them are watching meteor showers.**

 _ **David Gardner (Played by Hunter Carson): (While watching the meteor shower) Holy shit!**_

 _ **George Gardner (Played by Timothy Bottoms): Jesus, that's bright!**_

 **(David's mother, Ellen, comes outside to tell David it's time for bed)**

 **** _ **Ellen Gardner (Played by Laraine Newman): It's time for bed.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also meet David's mother, Ellen. She's played by Laraine Newman.**

 _ **David Gardner: But it's just getting started.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: Yeah, but you have school tomorrow.**_

 _ **David Gardner: Well, so do you.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: Yeah. That's why we're all going to bed, right?**_

"Uh, does she even know that this is serious movie, not a comedy? This isn't _Saturday Night Live_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we see that the Gardners are a perfect family living on a small farm. Then one night, David is awoken by a thunderstorm and when he walks over to close his bedroom window, he sees…**

 **(An alien space ship descends and lands in a sand quarry behind David's house)**

"Oh, Christ. What is up with the visual effects on this movie? They're so bad. John Dykstra's visual effects were supposed to be good. Why does it look like crap? You should've gotten Richard Edlund to do the visual effects for this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After watching the alien spacecraft landing, David hilariously runs and yells to his parents' room to tell them about what he saw. And when he goes to tell them, they don't believe him.**

 _ **Ellen Gardner: Well, could've it been something from the base?**_

 _ **David Gardner: No, mom. It wasn't a plane. I've never seen anything like this before.**_

 _ **George Gardner: Maybe it was a meteorite.**_

 _ **David Gardner: No way, dad.**_

"A meteorite? Where the fuck did you come up with meteorite? Have you ever seen the movie _Meteor_? New York City got struck down by a large meteor fragment and it ended up destroying most of the city. If it was a large meteor that landed in the back, you would've been dead." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, David gets ready for school when he began to notice why his father was acting strange.**

 **David Gardner: (After noticing his father is missing a slipper) Uh, what happened to your other slipper, dad?**

 **George Gardner: (Looks down at his feet) What? I lost it.**

"Sure you did." Sean said. "Hey, I know a guy who couldn't find his socks."

 **(A clip from the** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **episode** _ **Harley & Ivy**_ **plays)**

 _ **The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Anybody seen my socks?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) David began to notice a wound on the back of his father's neck and he questions him about it, but George tells David to sit down. And speaking of weird, watch what David's father does in this scene.**

 **(George pours himself a cup of coffee, then pours some mints into his coffee and starts drinking the cup of hot coffee while David watches)**

"Oooookay, weird way to drink coffee." Sean said. "But anyway, shouldn't that guy scream after drinking some scolding hot coffee? I mean, here's what would actually happen."

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean pours himself a hot cup of coffee and pulls out some Tic-Tacs from out of his pocket, dumping some into his coffee)**

 **Sean: Cheers.**

 **(Sean drinks the scolding hot coffee and spits it out as he starts screaming like a girl)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to David at school in his Biology class that's being taught by a really strict schoolteacher named Mrs. McPeltch….**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch (Played by Louise Fletcher): McKeltch.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. She's played by Louise Fletcher. And yes, we're going to deal with her hammy acting because she hams it up. Plus, her character is annoying as hell.**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: David Gardner, this may be the way you behave in your house.**_

 _ **David Gardner: But he threw…**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: This is not the way you behave in my classroom.**_

 **(The students laugh at David as Mrs. McKeltch raises her hand)**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Thank you.**_

"Jesus, I'm so glad that none of my teachers in grade school, middle school and high school aren't like that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mrs. McKeltch sends David to the nurse's office after he cuts his finger while throwing a frog at some unruly students, we meet the kindly school nurse named Linda Magnusson, played by the late Karen Black, who you might recognize her from** _ **Airport 1975**_ **, Dan Curtis'** _ **Trilogy of Terror**_ **,** _ **The Invisible Kid**_ **and** _ **Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses**_ **as Mother Firefly. I also want to add that this is Hunter Carson's mother. Yes, Karen Black and her son Hunter are starring in the same movie together.**

 _ **Linda Magnusson (Played by the late Karen Black): What? I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: I said, this silly boy has cut himself. I don't know what's got into him but he's uncontrollable.**_

 _ **Linda Magnusson: I'll take it from here, Mrs. McKletch.**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: McKeltch.**_

 **(Mrs. McKeltch leaves the nurse's office as Linda examines the cut on David's finger)**

 _ **Linda Magnusson: I think you'll live.**_

"Uh, with that teacher being a total bitch, I don't think so." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that day, David heads home to watch some** _ **Lifeforce**_ **on TV.**

"I'm not kidding, they're playing _Lifeforce_ on David's television. They're showing the scene with the zombie apocalypse in London. Let's hope that David doesn't stumble upon a naked Mathilda May." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narration) And then we get our little jump scare for the movie.**

 **(The toy robot moves and beeps after being turned on)**

 _ **Ellen Gardner: (In a robotic voice) David Gardner, feed me.**_

 _ **David Gardner: Mom! God! Don't ever do that.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Ellen Gardner) What you like it when I do my comical voices. I was on** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **with John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) David and his mother begin to worry about David's father like where he's at and why he's acting so strange. Later, they call the cops for them to search for David's father. And by the way, you might recognize the police chief.**

 **(The arrow points to the police officer named Officer Kenney)**

"What? No. Not him. That's Kenneth Kimmins from the Craig T. Nelson show _Coach_. He played Howard Burleigh. Rest in peace, Jerry Van Dyke." Sean said as a photo of the late Jerry Van Dyke is shown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the actor playing the Police Chief in the movie is Jimmy Hunt. He played David Maclean in the 1953 version of** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **.**

 _ **Police Chief (Played by Jimmy Hunt): Uh, you have any idea where he might be?**_

 _ **David Gardner: Um, maybe he went back over the hill.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: No, David.**_

 _ **Police Chief: Excuse me.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: David thought he saw a plane crash there last night.**_

 _ **David Gardner: No, I didn't. I saw a UFO. Huge lights, everything.**_

"Oh, God." Sean chuckled a bit. "Look kid, the police will think that you're crazy if you mention a UFO landing in the back of your house. Boy, sounds like a drunk prank call from TruTV's World's Dumbest Criminals. In fact, here's what would've happened if I heard this kid mentioning a UFO."

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean (as a police officer): Ma'am, what seems to be the problem?**

 _ **Ellen Gardner: Well, George isn't here.**_

 **Sean: Do you have any idea where he might be, Mrs. Gardner?**

 _ **David Gardner: Um, maybe he went back over the hill.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: No, David.**_

 **Sean: Beg your pardon?**

 _ **David Gardner: Copper Hill.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: He went up there this morning to take a look. David thought he saw a plane crash there last night.**_

 _ **David Gardner: No, I didn't I saw a UFO. Huge lights, everything.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: David, look, stop it!**_

 **Sean: A UFO? Is this a joke, kid? Because if it is, then it's not funny. Call me later when there's a real crime.**

 _ **Ellen Gardner: I'm sorry.**_

 **Sean: Have a good day.**

 **(Sean leaves and starts laughing)**

 **Sean: (Laughs) UFO.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the police go up to Copper Hill to search for David's father and then we get our second jump scare for the movie.**

 **(A bird squawks and Ellen gasps)**

"Aaaah! Son of a bitch." Sean said. "Seriously, that's not scary."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, George tries to do a jump scare and he introduces his new friend Ed to Ellen and David. And hey, I don't blame Ellen and David, I would be weirded by those two and I would start asking questions. The police return from Copper Hill and they're starting to act a little strange as well when David began to notice that the police chief touched the back of his neck. Later that night, David is having a peaceful slumber until…**

 **(David closes his eyes in fear as his father enters the room)**

"Holy shit, this is dark. He's gonna kill him!" Sean exclaimed, pointing to the camera.

 **(David's father grabs his bowl filled with pennies and leaves his room)**

"Oooookay, what the fuck was that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then David begins to witness his parents is going down to Copper Hill and David tries to warn his mother.**

 _ **David: Mom!**_

"Mom, I need you! I don't want the Evil Monkey to scare me!" Sean cried.

The Evil Monkey pops out of the closet at points at Sean as the young critic screams and hides underneath his desk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, David begins to notice that his mother is acting a little strange as well. I can see why because she burnt the fucking bacon!**

 _ **Ellen Gardner: Not hungry, David?**_

 **(Ellen eats the burnt piece of bacon)**

"Who the fuck eats burnt bacon?" Sean asked while making a face.

 _ **Ellen Gardner: I don't think he's feeling well, George.**_

 _ **George Gardner: Hmm. (Grabs himself a piece of burnt bacon and eats it)**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: I have an idea. Why don't we all go on a picnic up at the hill?**_

 _ **David Gardner: Is this a joke?**_

 **(Ellen breaks a piece of raw meat and makes a raw hamburger patty)**

 _ **George Gardner: We'll have a wonderful time.**_

 **(Ellen puts a lot of salt on the raw hamburger patty, then breaks a piece)**

 _ **Ellen Gardner: I'll pack us a lunch. Hamburgers. You like that, don't you.**_

 **(Ellen eats the raw hamburger)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Hell's Kitchen**_ **plays)**

 _ **Boris: (Mimicking Chef Ramsay) It's raw! It's fucking raw!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since things are getting weird at home, at least things won't get too weird for David at school. Maybe? I mean, it's not like he's gonna walk in on his teacher doing something crazy that would scare children. I mean, this movie is rated PG. What could….**

 **(David walks in as Mrs. McKeltch turns around with a bullfrog in her mouth)**

Sean's eyes widened in shock and his jaw dropped in horror while he continues to watch the scene where Mrs. McKeltch eats the bullfrog while David watches in shock. "What the hell, movie?! Did I just see Louise Fletcher from _Exorcist II: The Heretic_ eating a bullfrog and swallowing it in one big gulp like Natalia Starr in a video? Did I mention that this movie was rated PG? Oh, yeah. Here's a scene to scare your kids. It's bad enough that I watched a PG movie that was directed by Tobe Hooper and it involved somebody ripping their own face off. I hope you kids sleep well."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing his teacher re-enacting a scene from** _ **V: The Miniseries**_ **, David runs out of the classroom with Mrs. McKeltch chasing him and he tries to tell Linda about what's going on with his teacher.**

 _ **Linda Magnusson: (Laughs) Eating a frog? I don't know, David. That's some kind of story.**_

 _ **David Gardner: It's not a story.**_

 _ **Linda Magnusson: A UFO lands in the back of your house and puts something in your mom and dad's neck, and then it gets your teacher, and the police, and your friend Heather and her father Ed from the telephone company?**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Lady, he can prove it. Why don't you go to the teacher and check her damn neck.**

 _ **Linda Magnusson: David seems concerned about an injury….**_

 **(Mrs. McKeltch looks for David while Linda tries to look at the back of her neck)**

 _ **Linda Magnusson: To your neck.**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: My neck?**_

 _ **Linda Magnusson: Yes, he said that you were wearing a bandage.**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: Why, yes. I have a boil on my neck.**_

 _ **Linda Magnusson: A boil?**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: A boil.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Commando**_ **plays)**

 _ **John Matrix (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Bullshit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Linda tries to check the back of Mrs. McKeltch's neck, but then the crazy schoolteacher tries to get David but Linda won't let her pass. After she realizes that Mrs. McKeltch is acting weird, Linda lets David escape through the window and jumps into a van after he sees his parents and Heather looking for him. Did I mention that Mrs. McKeltch is driving the van? Just to make it short, David tails Mrs. McFilth….**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: McKeltch.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. He follows her into a cave, which leads to the inside of the spaceship that landed in the back of David's home and we see that Mrs. McKeltch has been assimilated by the alien invaders and we see the leader of the Invaders…**

 **(The Supreme Intelligence is revealed)**

"What the? Their leader is Krang from _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_?" Sean said as a photo of the Supreme Intelligence from Invaders From Mars and a photo of Krang from _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ are shown back to back.

 _ **Supreme Intelligence (With the voice of Pat Fraley's Krang): Unlimited power, rubbish. You have given me nothing but empty promises.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then, for some apparent reason, Mrs. McKeltch says the strangest thing after having that needle thingy sticking out of her neck.**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: A, e, i, o, u. A, e, i, o, u.**_

"And sometimes y." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just like Solid Snake in the** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **games, he gets spotted.**

 **(The Supreme Intelligence grows as the "Alert" sound from** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **plays after Mrs. McKeltch turns around and sees David)**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: David Gardner! David Gardner! I'll get you.**_

 **(David turns and sees the Invader creatures and screams as he runs away, but with an added Road Runner sound effect and speeding up the scene)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) David escapes the Invader ship and then bumps into Linda and he tells her about the Invaders in the ship. David go down to the location where the tunnel was at but it turns out that they moved the tunnels. David tries to warn Linda by taking her up to Copper Hill, until they see two scientists up at the hill and pulls them in.**

 **Sean (V/O as one of the scientists): (While being pulled in by the Invaders) Oh, no! They're gonna eat us! I'm gonna end up like Cartman by getting an anal probe!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Linda and David go to the gas station to contact the state police to tell them what they saw up at Copper Hill and…**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: You missed the field trip, David Gardner.**_

 **(Mrs. McKeltch covers David's mouth and pulls him out of the car. A dramatic sting plays)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, my God…. OH MY GOD!**

"Bad touch!" Sean yells out as an alarm goes off and he picks up his phone. "911 Emergency? There's a crazy school teacher abducting Karen Black's son and she's gonna do some bad things to his body. HURRY!"

 **(David escapes from Mrs. McKeltch's grasp and runs away)**

 _ **David Gardner: Linda!**_

 **(Mrs. McKeltch chases David as Linda spots this and gets in her car to save David)**

"That's right, Karen Black. You go out there and save your son." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After a close call with Mrs. McKeltch, David and Linda hide out at the school, that is until the cops found out where they're hiding at, so the two cops from before tried to kill them until an alien drill comes out of the ground and Karen Black does this silly yet over the top scream after seeing the alien drill come out of the ground. Since the alien invaders have gotten everyone in the town, there's only one person that David could think of.**

 _ **David Gardner: General Wilson.**_

 _ **Linda Magnusson: Who?**_

 _ **David Gardner: General Wilson.**_

 **Sean: (Narration) That's right, the military. David tries to warn the military about what's going on. We're introduced to General Climet Wilson, played by James Karen and Sergeant Major Rinaldi, played by Eric Pierpoint.**

"Holy cow! Do you know how much of a huge sci-fi nerd I am? Eric Pierpoint from _Alien Nation_ the series and the television movies is on this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then see David's father giving two NASA scientists a bomb. Wow, brainwashed people are turning into terrorists. Who do they think they are?**

 _ **George Gardner: You better hurry or you just might blow it.**_

"Boo! That's was the worst pun ever!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) General Wilson doesn't buy into the whole story with the research team being sucked into the sand while searching Copper Hill, so he bring in the two research team members into his office to question them.**

 _ **Gen. Climet Wilson (Played by James Karen): Just have a couple of questions for your team of course about the Copper Hill search.**_

 **(The two research workers pull out their guns and aim it at General Wilson as Rinaldi disarms them and knocks them out)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when the two research scientists are about to get questioned, they end up dead in a scene ripping off** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **, but with the needle things jetting out of their necks. Meanwhile, two brainwashed scientists are driving to the launch site and cause an act of terrorism by doing a suicide bombing on a rocket by driving a fuel truck into the rocket.**

"You bastards! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!" Sean cried out.

 **Sean: (V/O) That's it, enough is enough. These martians have gone too far. Send in the Marines and play out Christopher Young's epic music score.**

 **(The scene plays out as General Wilson and his team enter the town with David and Linda and investigate David's home and the school. General Wilson and some of his men investigate Copper Hill, one of the soldiers bump into Rinaldi as he falls into the sand pit)**

 _ **Gen. Climet Wilson: Rinald!**_

Sean began to chuckle a bit from hearing General Wilson yelling out for Rinaldi. "I'm sorry, the way he yells out for Rinaldi sounds hilarious. Can we play that again?"

 _ **Gen. Climet Wilson: Rinaldi!**_

"Rinaldi!" Sean mimics the character General Wilson.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Big surprise, the aliens pull in Rinaldi. Don't worry Eric Pierpoint will come back as a Newcomer police detective in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, the rest of the Marines and a NASA scientist named Mark Weinstein, played by Bud Cort, as they come across the Invader creatures and this bozo Weinstein tries to be friendly with them.**

 _ **Mark Weinstein (Played by Bud Cort): You see? They do understand me.**_

 **(One of the Invader creatures vaporize Dr. Weinstein with it's ray gun)**

"You fuckin' idiot!" Sean yelled out. "You think that the Invaders want to be friends with you? They don't! God, _Mars Attacks!_ made fun of this."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sensing that his parents are in the Invader ship, David runs out into the sand pit, with Linda trying to stop him but they end up getting sucked in by the alien invaders. It's not long until the marines follow them inside by blowing a hole inside. Meanwhile, David gets captured and come across the Supreme Intelligence and….**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: Linda's very busy right now.**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said, covering his face with both hands and sighs **.**

 _ **David Gardner: They didn't do any harm to you: my mom, dad, Linda, all the others. They're good people. They would never hurt you.**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: It's too late. It's too late.**_

 _ **David Gardner: Shut up, I'm talking to him.**_

"I agree with David. Lady, please shut up. You're getting pretty annoying." Sean said.

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: It's too late!**_

 _ **David Gardner: Look, I'll stay after school for the rest of my life if you would just shut up for a second!**_

 **(Mrs. McKeltch starts laughing, in an over the top way)**

"Shut up!" Sean growled, clenching his fist.

 _ **David Gardner: Don't you understand? You can't do this to people. You can't control them, it's wrong. You're not going to get away with it.**_

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!**_

"SHUT UP! I can't STAND it anymore!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) David tries to reason with the Supreme Martian Intelligence but the Invader leader won't take no for an answer.**

 _ **Supreme Intelligence (Voiced by Brian Penikas) Poor little guy. Poor little guy.**_

 _ **David Gardner: I'll fix you! You dickbrain!**_

 **(David punches the Supreme Martian Intelligence as Mrs. McKeltch gasps in shock)**

 _ **Mrs. McKeltch: (Grabs David) You bad boy!**_

 **(David hits her in the head with a bag of pennies as Mrs. McKeltch screams in a hilarious, comical way, then one of the Invaders pushes her into one of the Invader creature's mouth, in which she gets eaten up.)**

"Thank you." Sean smiled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, General Wilson and his team investigate the Invader ship and bump into Rinaldi, who's now assimilated by the Invaders.**

 _ **Gen. Climet Wilson: Oh, Christ. No. No, Rinaldi. No.**_

 _ **Sgt. Maj. Rinaldi (Played by Eric Pierpoint): General, stay back!**_

 _ **Gen. Climet Wilson: Don't do it, Rinaldi!**_

"Why are you idiots standing around for? He's gonna kill you! Shoot him!" Sean yelled out. "You know what, fuck it! I'll do it myself!"

Sean pulls out his uzi from underneath his desk and starts shooting at Rinaldi.

"You idiots are too damn slow!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) David meets up with General Wilson and his team as they race against time to save Linda from being assimilated by the Invaders and the Marines gun down the Supreme Intelligence and the Invader creatures and save Linda before planting the charges to blow up the ship and make their escape. With only five minutes to escape and the Invaders sealing the entrance, David uses one of the Invaders weapons to blow a hole in the ship by using copper to fuel the weapon and he uses his dad's mint conditioned penny. They make their escape until David bumps into his parents.**

 _ **George Gardner: Come with us.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: Hurry, dear.**_

 _ **George Gardner: They'll leave without us.**_

 _ **David Gardner: No, no. Please.**_

"Kid, get out of there. The ship is about to blow. To hell with your parents. Let the school nurse adopt you." Sean said.

 _ **David Gardner: Mom, dad. I love you. Please understand but I just can't go with you.**_

 _ **Ellen Gardner: David!**_

 _ **George Gardner: David.**_

 **(David's parents chase him out of the ship, we then cut to the timer on the explosives counting down)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The alien invader ship leaves and explodes. David's parents are back to normal, David runs to his parents in a loving embrace and they all live happily ever….**

 **(David wakes up only to realize it's a dream)**

 _ **David Gardner: Mom! Mom, dad! Help! Dad!**_

Sean looks at the camera in disbelief only to find out that it was only a dream. "What? What? WHAT?! It was only a dream! A goddamned dream that this kid was having? Screw you, movie! You made us think that this was actually happening. Now I remember why this movie pissed me off so damn much was because of the fucking ending! Ok, that's it. I'm finished with this review. And that was _Invaders From Mars_ , what a sack of monkey sh…."

 **(We cut to David looking at his window)**

"No, no. I'm done. We just saw that this was a dream. There's no need to continue this review." Sean said, crossing his arms before cutting back to the movie.

 **(David runs over to the window, opening it, only to see that the Invader spaceship is landing, only to realize that his dream is actually real)**

 _ **David: (Runs screaming to his parents' bedroom) Mom, dad!**_

 **(David opens the bedroom door and screams as an alien noise can be heard, leaving David's fate unknown)**

"Holy cow! I take it all back. I loved this ending. I have to credit them pulling a fake-out ending then they show us that this is actually happening. And that was _Invaders From Mars_ and is it considered to be the worst film that Cannon Films have produced? Well, looking back at it again, I still find it enjoyable to watch. I know that it has some of it's out there moments and a few silly moments as well. I mean, why couldn't this film have a cult following just like Hooper's two other films from Cannon Films? And the two films that had a cult following were _Lifeforce_ and _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2_. The good thing about the movie was the design of the Invader creatures that the late Stan Winston created. This was the same guy who worked on the _Terminator_ movies and the _Jurassic Park_ films. And Christopher Young's music score was pretty good as well. When you listen to the main titles for the movie, it has a kind of Jerry Goldsmith-feel to it. And even though that the visual effects look silly, the effects were pretty good. Because of the negative reviews of the film, it was nominated for two awards at the 7th Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Supporting Actress for Louise Fletcher and Worst Visual Effects. For me, it's one of those "Guilty Pleasures" movies that I really enjoy. A movie so bad that it's good. And every time when they show this movie Epix or Showtime, I end up watching it. If you're in for a good riff, check out Invaders From Mars. I know that they're showing it on Hulu, so go check it out. That's why I'm going to give _Invaders From Mars_ three Invader creatures out of five. That's all for this review but before I go, next month is February and I know that you all are expecting me to talk about romantic comedies but no, I want to do something different. Because February is… _Lethal Weapon Month_." Sean said after pulling out his Detonics Scoremaster .45 ACP pistol while John Eric Alexander's iconic music from the _Lethal Weapon_ trailers start playing. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time for _Lethal Weapon_ _Month_."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Poor little guy.**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **. I finally finished the review and I hope you're all excited for** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **in February where I will be talking about all four of the** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **movies, so get ready. Don't forget to review this movie, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time for** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**

 **This Review is Dedicated to the Memory of**

 **Tobe Hooper**

 **January 25, 1943 – August 26, 2017**


	11. Lethal Weapon Month Part 1: LW1

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and a happy February to you all because it's only 24 days left till I turn 26. Yep, my birthday is coming up. Plus,** _ **Disney's Zombies**_ **is coming up as well, so I hope you're excited for that one and I'll probably review it. Also, I hope that you're excited for the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **because today is the first day of** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **, where the Mayhem Critic takes a look at all four of the** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **movies. So, sit back and relax as we take a look at the first film in the** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **series,** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Lethal Weapon Month Part 1: Lethal Weapon**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And since it's the first day of February and you probably know what it's the first day of. That's right, I've created my first silly celebration! This is _Lethal Weapon Month_!" Sean exclaimed as John Eric Alexander's music from the Lethal Weapon trailers play out as we get the _Lethal Weapon Month_ introduction with clips of Sean superimposed in all four _Lethal Weapon_ posters and clips from all four Lethal Weapon movies play out ending with Murtaugh saying "I'm too old for this shit."

"Hell, yes. _Lethal Weapon_. One of the best buddy cop movies of the 80s. The film was No. 1 at the box office and it influenced numerous "buddy cop" films like _Tango & Cash_, _Bad Boys_ and the _Rush Hour_ trilogy. This film has a pretty interesting production history. Let me talk about a guy named Shane Black." Sean said as we cut to a photo of Shane Black. "He's the guy that wrote the screenplay for Lethal Weapon and he's also directed, produced and written a couple other films too. And remember the movie _Predator_? He played that geeky soldier named Hawkins. He also wrote the screenplay for _The Monster Squad_ with Fred Dekker, who will be co-writing the script for the new _Predator_ movie with him, _The Last Boy Scout_ , _Last Action Hero_ , _Lethal Weapon 2_ , we'll talk about that later. And before you Marvel Cinematic Universe fanboys and fangirls out there start bitching at me for forgetting this, he also directed _Iron Man 3_. Much like the many tropes of Stephen King, here's something that we like to call "Shane Blackisms", in which _Lethal Weapon_ follows. Anyway, let's talk about the film's production history. In 1985, Shane Black wrote the screenplay for _Lethal Weapon_. The original first draft of the script was very different and much darker than the final film. After disliking the first draft and later picked it up again and re-wrote it into new drafts. After Black's script was purchased by the studio execs at Warner Bros., they had to pick someone to direct this film. Originally, Leonard Nimoy was one of the choices but he did not feel comfortable doing action films and he was busy filming _Three Men and a Baby_ at the time. So, who did they pick? Richard Donner. Yep, the same guy who directed _The Omen_ and _Superman_ and he also directed _Ladyhawke_. If you guys want me to talk about _The Toy_ , that was the dumbest Richard Donner movie ever. So, we got a director and now we need our two main stars for the movie. How about _Mad Max_ and the one of the killers from that Harrison Ford movie _Witness_?"

We then cut to a photo of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover with the bell ringing and a thumbs up.

"Looks like we got our cast. Let's see what Shane Black, Richard Donner, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover cooked up for us. This is the first _Lethal Weapon_." Sean said before the review starts.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens in Los Angeles and following it's "Shane Blackisms" it's gotta take place during Christmas. Yes, it's Christmas movie. And how do I know it's a Christmas movie? Because they're playing this Christmas song.**

 **(Bobby Helms' rendition of** _ **Jingle Bell Rock**_ **plays throughout the opening credits while we get a shot of an apartment building.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to…hello! Tits ahoy!**

 **(A half-naked woman's bare breasts is censored with Sean's smiling superimposed)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, we see a young woman, a very attractive woman. And how do I put this so I won't offend. She's a person who works on the streets for money and sleeps with guys. She's a prostitute and we see that she's drugged out of her mind by sniffing coke and getting some fresh air by walking out to the apartment balcony and standing on the railing….wait what?**

 **(The young woman, played by Jackie Swanson from** _ **Cheers**_ **, climbs on top of the railing and looks down)**

"Honey, wait. Please don't jump. You got a lot to live for. You'll be married to some idiot bartender from Indiana in five years, don't jump!" Sean yelled out.

 **(The young woman jumps off of the railing and lands to her death on top of a blue car, then we get a shot of her dead body on top of the vehicle)**

"Uh, is it a bad to do a _Space Jam_ joke? We just saw a woman committing suicide and I don't want to get in trouble." Sean said. "And by the way, great way to start out a Christmas movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a house in the suburbs and we're introduced to LAPD Homicide Sergeant Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover. And we see that it's his 50** **th** **birthday. We're also introduced to his family as well. His wife Trish, played by singer/actress Darlene Love, his oldest daughter Rianne, played by Traci Wolfe, his eldest son Nick, played by Damon Hines and his youngest daughter Carrie, played by Ebonie Smith.**

 _ **Rianne Murtaugh (Played by Traci Wolfe): The big 5-0. You know what, your beard's getting gray. Kind of makes you look old. But I guess it's all right 'cause I still love you. (She kisses her father) Bye, Pa.**_

 **(Rianne leaves the bathroom as Roger looks at the mirror, taking a look at himself)**

"You know she's right, you're turning into the black Santa Claus." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to another character in the movie. We're introduced to Sergeant Martin Riggs, an ex-Special Forces soldier turned narcotics officer and….**

 **(Riggs gets out of bed and we see footage of Riggs' ass with Mel Gibson's face superimposed)**

Sean closes his eyes and screams in disgust. "Fuck it, movie! Fuck it! Why did you have to give us a shot of Mel Gibson's bare ass?! What? Is it something for the ladies, Donner? Why?! Why, Richard Donner?! WHY?!"

 **(A clip from** _ **National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1**_ **plays)**

 _ **Jack Colt (Played by Emilio Estevez): I'm just taking one of those unmotivated-butt-in-the-moonbeam walks.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also know that Riggs lost his wife, Victoria Lynn, two years ago in a car accident. And here's the thing about Riggs, he's a tad bit on the crazy side. And I mean, he's Danny Bonaduce-crazy.**

"How do I know he's crazy? Uh, when he walked out in the middle of a school yard while a sniper was shooting at him and Riggs unloads a full clip into him. That's how crazy he is." Sean said as a clip from the Director's Cut-version of _Lethal Weapon_ plays.

 _ **Detective: You're one psycho son of a bitch but you're good.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because of the death of his wife, Riggs takes his aggressions out on criminals. And did I mention that he's suicidal?**

 **(Riggs takes his Beretta 92F and sticks the barrel of the gun in his mouth, with his finger on the trigger)**

 _ **Bugs Bunny (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): (On TV) Merry Christmas! Deck the halls! Joyous yuletide!**_

 **(The screen fades to black as we hear a gunshot. Then the credits roll with Elvis Presley's rendition of** _ **I'll Be Home For Christmas**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, that didn't even happen. He doesn't even go through with it. Meanwhile with Murtaugh drives to the crime scene and the jumper was revealed to be Amanda Hunsaker, the daughter of Murtaugh's old army buddy Michael Hunsaker. We also learn that autopsy reports show that she was poisoned with drain cleaner. Oh, and also Murtaugh's getting a new partner.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh (Played by Danny Glover): Partner again?**_

"Way to go, Rog!" Sean applauded. "Somebody give this man a prize. And guess who's going to be your new partner."

 **(Murtaugh sees Riggs pulling out his gun)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Gun!**_

 **(Murtaugh runs at Riggs as Riggs throw the older officer down on the ground and points his gun at him)**

 _ **Boyette (Played by Grand L. Bush): Rog, meet your new partner.**_

 **(Riggs smiles at Murtaugh)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.**_

 **I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #1**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh to know each other and they don't get along with each other at first.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs (Played by Mel Gibson): Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice. Looks like we both got fucked.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Terrific.**_

 **(They both get into Murtaugh's car)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hate him back. It works for me.**_

"Oh yeah, great team, an ex-army officer and a cop, great combo. Nothing can possibly go wrong." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, at a nightclub. We're introduced to a gang of drug smugglers, led by a retired general named Peter McAllister….**

 **(A photo of the late John Heard as Peter McCallister)**

"Wha..? No, wrong guy. That's the father from Home Alone. The other guy is older, probably 58 years old." Sean said.

 **(A photo of Mitchell Ryan as Anthony Tonell from the NBC soap opera** _ **Santa Barbara**_ **pops up)**

"There we go." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is General Peter McAllister, played by Mitchell Ryan. Who you might recognize him as Ryker's father in** _ **Star Trek: The Next Generation**_ **, Tillet Main from the TV miniseries** _ **North and South**_ **, Anthony Tonell from the NBC soap opera** _ **Santa Barbara**_ **and Dr. Terrence Wynn from** _ **Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers**_ **. And this is his right-hand man Mr. Joshua, he's played by Gary Busey.**

"Oh, boy. The amount of Gary Busey jokes that I'm gonna come up with for this review. And I've got a ton of them." Sean said as his friend Brian almost chokes on his beer upon finding out that Gary Busey plays Mr. Joshua.

"No way, the Texan who got brain damage in a motor bike crash?" Brian asked.

"Yep." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out these group of drug smugglers are mercenaries known as "Shadow Company", a heroin-smuggling operation run by former special forces operators from the Vietnam War.**

 _ **McAllister (Played by Mitchell Ryan) Do you smoke?**_

"Uh, what the fuck kind of question is that?" Sean asked.

 _ **McAllister: Do you smoke?!**_

Sean yelps. "No, but I have a lighter that I use to light fireworks on the Fourth of July."

Sean pulls out his lighter in fear.

 _ **McAllister: Give me your lighter.**_

"Oh, hell no. You're probably going to do something crazy like flicking the lighter on and hold underneath Gary Busey's arm to burn him…." Sean said before being interrupted by General McAllister again.

 _ **McAllister: Your lighter!**_

"Here, take the fucking lighter!" Sean throws the lighter off-screen before cutting back to the clip.

 **(A thug grabs Mendez's arm, General McAllister grabs Mendez's hand, still holding the lighter)**

 _ **Mendez (Played by Ed O'Ross): Hey, man, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?**_

 _ **McAllister: Shut your mouth! Shut up! And don't move.**_

 **(McAllister flicks the lighter on)**

 _ **McAllister: Mr. Joshua, your left arm, please.  
**_

 **(Mr. Joshua bares his arm and allows the lighter to be held under his forearm, which starts to burn)**

 _ **Mendez: You guys are fuckin' crazy, man. Come on!**_

 **(McAllister clicks the lighter off)**

 _ **McAllister: You wish to do business with us, yes?**_

 _ **Mendez: Jesus Christ.**_

 _ **McAllister: You wish to make a purchase, yes?**_

 _ **Mendez: Yes, yes! Jesus Christ, yes.**_

 _ **McAllister: The bulk of the heroin will be here Friday night, we'll make delivery at that time. Have the money ready, and no tricks. If you try anything…. You'll have to talk to Mr. Joshua.**_

"Jesus Christ! I'm afraid of Gary Busey now! This guy is even crazier than me!" Sean exclaimed as he got up from his desk and starts drinking a bottle of Heineken while shooting his gun in the air.

"And Mr. Joshua? Really? No last name?" Brian asked.

 **Sean (Narrating): Meanwhile, Murtaugh breaks the news to his old Army buddy, Michael Hunsaker, that his daughter was murdered. And we see that Michael Hunsaker is played by Tom Atkins from** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **.**

"Okay, folks. Just to recap: we have an actor who was on a horrible Halloween movie five years ago and we have another actor who will star in another horrible Halloween movie eight years later." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael tried to get in touch with Murtaugh because he concerned about his daughter's involvement in drugs, prostitution and pornography and he wanted him to help get her out of that life. Then, Michael makes this little demand that I have to question.**

 _ **Michael Hunsaker (Played by Tom Atkins): I want you to find whoever's responsible for this however many of them there are. Please, I know you can do it. Just find them and kill them.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Mike, I'm a police officer.**_

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: I don't give a shit you're a police officer, Roger! I know you're a fucking police officer! Kill them! Just kill them! You find them and you kill them. You can do that. You owe me.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, I owe you.**_

"Why would you ask a cop to kill people? That's not how they operate like that, dude." Sean said. "If I was Murtaugh in that situation, here's what would probably happen."

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: I want you to find whoever's responsible for this however many of them are. Please, I know you can do it. Just find them and kill them.**_

 **Sean: Dude, have you gone mental? I'm not a freakin' hitman. Do I look like I'm bald and have a barcode on the back of my head? Why the hell are you asking me to kill people? I'm a cop, you idiot!**

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: I don't give a shit you're a police officer! I know you're a fucking police officer! Kill them! Just kill them!**_

 **Sean: Forget it! Get somebody to do the job for you. Better yet, turn into Charles Bronson or Bruce Willis in** _ **Death Wish**_ **because you definitely have one! Ask me to kill someone and the only person that I'm going to kill with my bare hands will be you! And** _ **Halloween III**_ **sucks ass!**

 **(Sean leaves)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we also learn why Rog owed Michael, because during the Vietnam War back in 1965, Hunsaker saved Murtaugh's life and….wait a minute.**

"Hold on. Go back." Sean said as he picks up the remote to play back the scene where Riggs and Murtaugh are walking by a theater that is showing the _Lost Boys_. " _Lost Boys_. This year's hit. Richard Donner didn't waste any time plugging his other work while filming this movie back in 1986. And by the way, _The Lost Boys_ came out four months later after Lethal Weapon back in 1987."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after that little easter egg. Riggs and Murtaugh get a call about salesman threatening to jump. What better way is to send a police psychiatrist to talk to the guy. Or send the crazy cop up there to talk to the guy to keep him from jumping. Uh, why do I feel like this is a really bad idea?**

 **(Riggs cuffs himself and McCleary together)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, shit.**

 _ **McCleary (Played by Michael Shaner): Hey, what are you doing?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: See this key? (Throws the key) Bye-bye.**_

 _ **McCleary: You're crazy!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Now you can jump if you want to, but you'll be taking me with you and that makes you a murderer.**_

 _ **McCleary: Fuck you, I'm jumping!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Do you really want to jump?! Do you wanna? Well, then that's fine with me. Come on! Let's do it, asshole. Let's do it.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey! Calm…down!**_

"Okay, it's just either Mel Gibson playing the character or that he's just acting crazy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs jumps off of the building with the jumper handcuffed, I mean, with the handcuffs breaking apart as they jumped. He successfully brings the jumper down but Murtaugh isn't pleased. He's very livid and questions Riggs' insanity.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Oh, for Chriss….**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! Yes or no – you wanna die?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You want to die!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I don't. I'm not afraid of it. I ain't afraid of it.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (Pulls out his Smith & Wesson Model 19 revolver from out of his holster) Here, take my gun. Don't nibble on the barrel, pull the trigger. **_

**(Riggs grabs Murtaugh's gun and sticks it to his temple)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You shouldn't tempt me, man.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Put it in your mouth.**_

A confused look appeared on Sean's face. "I'm sorry, what did he say?"

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Put it in your mouth.**_

Sean's eyes widened and his jaw dropped in shock as the Canada Puppet PSA pops up next to him.

 _ **Boy Puppet: (Singing) Don't you put it in your mouth.**_

 _ **Girl Puppet: (Singing) Don't you put it in your mouth.**_

"No! No! NO! We're not gonna do that?!" Sean yelled, pushing the PSA out of the way.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh stops Riggs from shooting himself and he sees how crazy he is.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You're not trying to draw a psycho pension. You really are crazy.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm hungry. I'm gonna go and get something to eat.**_

"Better yet, have a Snickers. You're not you when you're hungry." Sean said as he pulls out a Snickers bar from out of his desk.

"I'm sure Roger is thinking, 'What the fuck did I walk into?'" Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh then talks to police psychiatrist Dr. Stephanie Woods, played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor, and she tells him that Riggs has a death wish and that he's a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: So you're saying I should worry?**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor): Yeah, I think you should worry. And when he goes, you don't wanna be anywhere near him.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Thank you, doctor. You've been very, very helpful.**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods: You're welcome. (She hangs up the phone)**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.**_

 **I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #2**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh drive up to Beverly Hills to question Amanda's pimp, but finds a drug lab on the premises and Joan Severance in her feature film debut in an uncredited role as the Girl in Black Playsuit. And a gunfight ensues between Riggs, Murtaugh and Amanda's pimp.**

 **(Amanda's pimp shoots at Riggs and Murtaugh but misses. Riggs and Murtaugh shoot at the pimp, hitting him in the leg)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: See how easy that was? Boom! Still alive. Now, we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. The point being no killing.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No killing. Right.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs picks up Amanda's pimp and tries to arrest him, but the guy won't go down without a fight when he pulls out a gun and tries to kill Murtaugh. Riggs saves Murtaugh's life and shoots the pimp.**

"It should've been no killing, except for self-defense." Sean said.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You ever met anybody you didn't kill?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, I haven't killed you yet.**_

 **(We cut to a photo of Mel Gibson with tattoos on his face, gold chains around his neck with a joint in his mouth with the words "Thug Life" next to him while Snoop Dogg's** _ **Serial Killa**_ **starts playing)**

"And by the way, isn't Murtaugh being quite judgmental there considered the fact that the only person Riggs has killed was the person that was trying to kill him? I mean, try and be more considerate. The man saved your life and you're being a dick about it." Sean said.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Sorry about all that shit I said out there. You saved my life. Thank you.**_

"That's more like it, I think." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Murtaugh invites Riggs over for dinner and introduces his new partner to his family and his daughter Rianne takes a liking to Riggs.**

 **(Murtaugh notices Rianne staring at Riggs)**

 _ **Trish Murtaugh (Played by Darlene Love) Rianne, get the dessert. Please, honey.**_

 **(Rianne continues to look at Riggs)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Rianne, your mother said get the dessert.**_

 **(Rianne get up from her seat and smiles at Riggs)**

 _ **Nick Murtaugh (Played by Damon Hines): Get the dessert!**_

 _ **Carrie Murtaugh (Played by Ebonie Smith): Get to it!**_

 _ **Rianne Murtaugh: Shut up.**_

 **(Rianne walks over to the refrigerator to get the dessert and continues to look at Riggs)**

 _ **Rianne Murtaugh: Mr. Riggs, would you like a tart?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Thank you, yeah. Call me Martin.**_

 _ **Rianne Murtaugh: (Smiles) Martin.**_

"For the love of God. Please tell me that there isn't fanfics about Riggs and Rianne on Fanfiction." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Got to give this film some credit, it has some good character interaction here and we get a little bonding moment between Riggs and Murtaugh drinking beer on Murtaugh's boat. Another "Shane Blackism" trait in which two main characters become friends.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I do it real good, you know.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Do what?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: When I was 19 I did a guy in Laos.**_

"You better be talking about killing a guy in Laos." Sean said with a blank expression on this face.

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind**_ **.**

"Oh. Well, then you're good." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After everything's quieted down, Murtaugh goes through the mail finding police evidence for the Hunsaker case containing a high school yearbook and a pornographic movie featuring Amanda Hunsaker.**

"If I wanted to watch hot showers I would rather watch Hustler's Hot Showers with Elsa Jean And Alexis Fawx having hot lesbian sex in the tub and in that case how can I jack off to this while Danny Glover is watching?!" Sean said, doing his imitation of The Cinema Snob.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, a coffee-wielding Riggs wakes Murtaugh up and he's desperate to tell him everything he's thinking about with the case. So, what better way to talk about the case is to go to the shooting range and start talking about it.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Let's say that Dixie put the drain cleaner in her pills.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Say someone paid her to do it.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Sure, she thinks fine Amanda swallows a couple of downers and (fires his gun) she's dead.**_

"The show _American Housewife_ stars Katy Mixon as Katie Otto, Diedrich Bader as her husband Greg Otto, Meg Donnelly as Taylor Otto in which Johnny Sequoyah played the role in the pilot episode." Sean said, firing his gun repeatedly. "Wait, what was I talking about again?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh drive over to Dixie's house to question her and some kids are there to distract them, just as long as they avoid this.**

 **(Riggs and Murtaugh walk up to Dixie's house but the house explodes)**

 **(Murtaugh tries to put the flames out on Riggs' coat)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What are you a fag?**_

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it, Mel." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They call for backup and what do they find in the aftermath? They find Dixie's corpse and fragments of the bomb that was used and Riggs recognizes it.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: This is real pro stuff. I haven't seen anything like this since the war. The CIA, they used to hire Mercs. They use the exact same setup, mercury switches. Kablooie, that's heavy shit.**_

"Someone knows what he's talking about if he fought in Vietnam." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh question one of the children who witnessed the man who planted the bomb and confirms that the guy was a mercenary when he recognized the same tattoo that Riggs has on his arm. A Special Forces tattoo.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: What the hell have we gotten into here?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Suspecting that Hunsaker knows more than meets the eye, Riggs and Murtaugh approach Hunsaker at Amanda's funeral and Murtaugh believes that Amanda died because of him.**

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: Roger, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.**_

 **(Hunsaker sticks his hand inside his suit jacket)**

"Oh, my God! The douchebag father from _Creepshow_ is about to pull out a gun! Rog, shoot him!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: (Pulls out his pills from out of his pocket) Take it easy, man.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hunsaker then spill the beans to Murtaugh.**

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: It goes all the way back to the war. I ended up working for a group called Air America.**_

 **(A poster of the Mel Gibson/Robert Downey, Jr. movie called** _ **Air America**_ **pops up)**

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: CIA front. They secretly ran the entire war out of Laos. I was with a special unit called Shadow Company, mercs trained killers. We also formed a plan.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Keep talking.**_

 _ **Michael Hunsaker: Couple of years ago, Shadow Company got together again. The war was over but we still had our sources in Asia.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hunsaker tells Murtaugh that they've been bringing in heroin from sources in Asia, two major shipments a year and that is all run by ex-CIA, soldiers and mercs and they were using his bank as cover. He was going to tell the cops so they killed his daughter. Then, the movie goes straight into Die Hard-territory when Mr. Joshua arrives in a helicopter.**

 **(Mr. Joshua arrives in a helicopter, aiming his scoped Colt XM177 Commando as he assassinates Michael Hunsaker. The bullet hits Hunsaker and goes through a carton of egg nog.)**

"Nooooooo! Not the egg nog! Why did you have to take out the poor, defenseless egg nog in the process of killing Tom Atkins? Please, take me. Take me instead!" Sean cries.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After eliminating Hunsaker, Mr. Joshua informs General McAllister that the police know about their little operation and General McAllister decides to go after Riggs and Murtaugh and eliminate them as well.**

"Holy shit, this is getting real. So, how are they going to kill Riggs and Murtaugh? Are they going to plant a bomb in Riggs' trailer and blow him up and have somebody in Murtaugh's house and wait until he's alone and slit his throat? The possibilities of killing these guys are endless." Sean said.

 **(Shadow Company arrives in a car as Mr. Joshua shoots Riggs with a Remington 870 shotgun, sending Riggs through a window)**

"RICKY! Uh, wrong movie. I mean, RIGGS!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Gary Busey: (From Hitman) You'll never find me! I have the power of invisibility!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah Mr. Joshua re-enacted a scene from Boyz N the Hood on Riggs in an attempt to kill him. But Riggs is saved by a bulletproof vest. Worst. Mercenaries. Ever! Oh, and Riggs recognizes the man in the helicopter.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (After recognizes Mr. Joshua) The guy who shot me! The same albino jackrabbit son of a bitch who did Hunsacker.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You sure?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an asshole.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh fake his death to gain the upper hand. Then, Murtaugh hears the description of a body that was found and that's the kid who Rianne's been dating, so he rushes home fearing for his daughter's safety. Riggs and Murtaugh arrive at the house, kicking the door open and their guns drawn but they're too late as they find a not from Joshua telling them that they have his daughter and then they get a call from Mr. Joshua telling him that they have his daughter. Really? Make up your mind, leave a note or give them a phone call. Don't do both! And by the way, a character getting kidnapped, that's another "Shane Blackism" trait.**

"Boy, am I going to play the Shane Black drinking game? Because I am prepared to do so." Sean said as he picks up a bottle of Jagermeister.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh come up with a plan to save Rianne from Shadow Company. And with the room bathed in red lights, you know that Riggs and Murtaugh are out for blood.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I know.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You're just gonna have to trust me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) They then get a call from Shadow Company to tell them where to meet them. The next day, they drive to the location where Murtaugh drops Riggs off, who's armed with a Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle with a high-capacity magazine and Harris bipod. We know that we're very familiar with his skills so we know he's up to the task, while Murtaugh arrives at the rendezvous point where the kidnappers arrive in cars and a helicopter. **

"Let the fun begin." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And negotiations start with Murtaugh demanding to see his daughter before anything else. Rianne gets out of the car unharmed and then Murtaugh makes his offer by pulling out a live grenade minus the pin.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Let her go now or we all die.**_

 _ **Gustaf (Played by Gustav Vintas): Take him! He has a grenade!**_

 **Henchman With Glasses Counter:**

 **#1. Gustaf**

 _ **Mr. Joshua: He's bluffing. He wouldn't risk killing his own daughter.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: If she's gonna die, she's gonna die with me! My way not yours!**_

"Jesus! Seriously, Rog! Do you have a death wish? You're just going to risk your life and your daughter's life? Boy, Riggs is starting to rub off on him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Joshua, being the badass that he is, shoots Murtaugh in the arm, causing him to drop the grenade, which explodes. However the grenade was a smoke grenade as Riggs provides sniper support, taking out a few of the henchman, allowing Rianne to escape.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (Has his sights on Mr. Joshua, preparing to eliminate him) Come on, cottontail. Stick your head out. That's it you son of a bitch. Goodnight.**_

 **(General McAllister points his Heckler & Koch MP5A3 at Riggs)**

 _ **McAllister: Don't try it, son. You're not that fast.**_

"Well, so much for their plan. I thought there was a plan in place but they ended up getting captured by the bad guys just so they can torture them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrated) Riggs is handcuffed and interrogated by Mr. Joshua and the candy bar-stealing terrorist from** _ **Die Hard**_ **and he ends up shocking Riggs with a device.**

 **(Endo, played by Al Leong, shocks Riggs with a device. Riggs screams)**

 _ **Mr. Joshua: Hit him again!**_

 **(Endo shocks Riggs again. Riggs screams as his body shakes violently)**

"I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!" Sean yelled out as he was doing his imitation of Martin Riggs. "You see, there are some cats who are into this shit."

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Riggs is getting electrocuted, Murtaugh is tortured by McAllister's men as well, by beating him and putting salt on his bullet wound. Then they'll try to torture his daughter for information. Just as though Riggs is about to give up, he manages to fight back and snap Endo's neck with his legs and makes his escape.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I've told you everything!**_

 _ **McAllister: We'll soon know, won't we?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm warning you, don't…..**_

 _ **McAllister: Spare me, son. It's over. There's no more heroes left in the world.**_

 **(Riggs kicks the door open)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Mind if I join the party? Why wasn't I invited?**

 _ **McAllister: Kill that son of a bitch!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) They may take our lives, but they'll never take… OUR FREEDOM!**

 **(Riggs snaps one of the henchmen's neck)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Go with God, motherfucker!**

 **(Riggs shoots the henchman and shoots another)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: The asshole's getting away! Riggs, he's getting away!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Who's fucking next?! McAllister! Who's next?!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs frees Murtaugh and Rianne and then he says this line.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (After rescuing Roger and Rianne) What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: What?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Let's get the flock out of here.**_

"Seriously? Are you trying to whip out the bad jokes like Danny Bonaduce?" Sean asked.

 **(Riggs, Murtaugh and Rianne escape to find themselves at a busy nightclub used as a front for Shadow Company. Gustaf sees Riggs but Riggs shoots him without anyone hearing the gunshot)**

"Why isn't anyone reacting to that? I know that there's music playing but come on no one's reacting to that. Do you want me to go back to the _Die Hard_ review where I talked about the differences between a scream and a gunshot?" Sean asked. "Boy, 80s movie logic could be dumb at some times."

 **Sean: (Narrating) A gunfight breaks out as Mr. Joshua manages to escape and steal a car, then shoot at Riggs)**

 **(Mr. Joshua shoots at Riggs with his Colt XM177 Commando)**

We then cut to Sean firing his uzi and imitating Gary Busey. "I will destroy you before you make _The Passion of the Christ_!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs manages to go after Mr. Joshua on foot while Murtaugh goes after General McAllister. Riggs shoots at the car on the overpass, causing the car to catch fire and Mr. Joshua manages to go all GTA V on our asses.**

 _ **Mr. Joshua: (Stealing a man's car) Mind if I test drive your Audi?**_

 **(A clip from World's Dumbest Drivers plays)**

 _ **Gary Busey: You're not taking my car!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Joshua gets away, which anger Riggs. However, back with Murtaugh, he confronts General McAllister, who tries to run him over. Murtaugh takes out McAllister's driver and he ends up crashing his car on Hollywood Boulevard and is killed when hand grenades in his car detonates. Riggs meets up with Murtaugh and he tells him that Mr. Joshua got away and they both race to Murtaugh's house, knowing that he'll go after his family. And sure enough, he shows up and kills two officers and shoots his way into Murtaugh's house and finds it empty.**

 **(Mr. Joshua enters the kitchen and sees that the 1951 version of** _ **Scrooge**_ **is playing on the television)**

 _ **Mrs. Dilber (Played by the late Kathleen Harrison): Good morning, sir.**_

 _ **Ebenezer Scrooge (Played by the late Alastair Sim): Tell me, what day is it?**_

 _ **Mrs. Dilber: What day?**_

 **(Mr. Joshua shoots the television)**

 _ **Mr. Joshua: Goddamn Christmas!**_

Sean starts picking up his phone and calls his girlfriend Taylor Addison. "Hi, Taylor. Yeah, sweetie. Let's not invite Gary Busey over for Christmas this year."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Joshua finds a note and then it turns into an Allstate Mayhem commercial when a police car crashes into the living room and then he starts shooting up the car. He's caught and held at gunpoint and then this happen.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What do you say, Jack? Would you like a shot at the title?**_

 _ **Mr. Joshua: Don't mind if I do.**_

"Oh, my God. Okay, we have Mel Gibson and Gary Busey about to get into a violent fist fight in the suburbs with Danny Glover and the LAPD watching them. This is going to be the most fucking epic fight scene ever. It's Mel Gibson vs. Gary Busey. It's crazy Christian vs. crazy Texan. It's Mad Max vs. Buddy Holly. Let the blood letting begin! Wait, to start this fight off, we need some appropriate music." Sean said as he cleared his throat. "MORTAL KOMBAT!"

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme starts playing over Riggs and Mr. Joshua's fight scene with Sean cheering for Riggs)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs gets Mr. Joshua in a headlock, but decides not to kill him. Well, that's a good thing. Let's hope that Gary Busey doesn't do anything stupid….**

 **(As officers arrive to take Joshua away, he breaks free and grabs a gun from one of the officers)**

"Oh, my God! He's got a gun!" Sean yelled out in slow motion.

 **(Riggs and Murtaugh pull their guns and shoot Mr. Joshua dead)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, at least it was a justifiable kill. The next day, Riggs visits his wife's grave to pay his respects and then goes to Murtaugh's house, telling Rianne to give Murtaugh a symbolic gift: the unfired hollow-point bullet as a way of saying that he doesn't need it anymore. Riggs gets ready to leave but Murtaugh comes out of the house and convince him to stay over for Christmas dinner with his family and he brings his dog Sam with him.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I don't think Burbank the Cat's gonna like this.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'll put five on the mutt**_ **.**

 **(Riggs enters the house as Sam chases Burbank the Cat.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the movie's not over until Murtaugh says this line one more time.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this.**_

 **I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #3**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Elvis Presley's rendition of** _ **I'll Be Home For Christmas**_ **and the best part of the end credits is listening to Honeymoon Suite's** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **.**

 **(The end credits play as Honeymoon Suite's** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **starts playing)**

"And that was _Lethal Weapon_ and what do I have to say about it? It's the best buddy cop movie ever and it still is! I have no complaints about this movie. The movie has gotten positive reviews from critics. It's a perfect blend of crime drama, action and comedy. Although it started off slow with the crime drama aspect but then it turns up the heat when the movie goes all Die Hard on us with it's hard-hitting action. The film still holds up to it's day. Richard Donner's directing is phenomenal and the best in his career. My biggest praise is to Mel Gibson, he did an awesome job in portraying Martin Riggs, the cop with a death wish who's crazy at time. My favorite scene from the movie was when Riggs contemplates suicide. That was the most dramatic yet powerful scene and because of this scene director Franco Zefirelli decided to offer Mel Gibson the lead role in the film adaptation of _Hamlet_. And Danny Glover gives a great performance as Riggs' cautious partner Roger Murtaugh. Another big praise that I would like to give this movie would have to be Shane Black's writing and that movie is quotable as well and the character interactions. And the music by the late Michael Kamen and Eric Clapton was pretty good and you just gotta love David Sanborn's saxaphone riff. Plus, the characters are memorable as well. Riggs is the loose cannon cop with a wild streak, Murtaugh is the cautious partner who's ready to retire and Mr. Joshua is the crazy villain that you'll be afraid of. And this is why I love the sequel so much is because it's bigger and better than the original and pushes it up to 11. So yeah, I freaking love _Lethal Weapon_. It spawned three sequels, a video game that the Angry Video Game Nerd reviewed and a television show on Fox and there are countless parodies of the movie as well. If you haven't seen _Lethal Weapon_ , go check it out. The best film from Richard Donner. I watch it every time and I still find it awesome to watch. So, that's why I'm going to give Lethal Weapon 5 Beretta 92Fs out of 5. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and tune in next time for _Lethal Weapon Month_ when I review my favorite out of the series." Sean said as a clip from the _Lethal Weapon 2_ trailer starts playing.

 **(The** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **trailer plays)**

 **Announcer: Now, get ready for something lethal.**

 **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm surprised you haven't heard about me, you know I've got a bad reputation and sometimes I just go nuts right now. (Chuckles)**

"The magic is back, baby! See you guys next time and there's more _Lethal Weapon Month_ on the way." Sean said as he dances in his seat briefly to John Eric Alexander's _Lethal Weapon_ trailer theme starts playing before getting up to leave.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline – I'm too old for this shit.**

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **and the start of** _ **Lethal Weapon month**_ **. Hope you all enjoyed reading it and I hope you've got a good laugh from this one. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **,** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **. Is it the best in the** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **film series? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for more** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**

 **This Review Is Dedicated to the Memory of**

 **John Mahoney**

 **June 20, 1940 - February 4, 2018**


	12. Lethal Weapon Month Part 2: LW2

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **still continues. So, I was thinking that maybe after I finish** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **, I might review** _ **Disney's Zombies**_ **. Originally, I was gonna review** _ **Richie Rich**_ **after this but I ended up deleting the recording on the DVR, so I'll have to do the review another time for** _ **Richie Rich**_ **when I order the DVD from Amazon. But yeah. I might also review** _ **Stranger Things**_ **as well after I watch it and** _ **Riverdale**_ **season 1. I got a request to review** _ **Stranger Things**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Anyway, it's update time. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **. Is it considered the best out of the series? We'll find out today in The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Lethal Weapon Month Part 2: Lethal Weapon 2**

"Hello, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that's rips movies a new one." Sean says with a big smile on his face. "You're probably why I smiling right now. It's because we're still in the middle of…. _LETHAL WEAPON MONTH_!"

The intro to _Lethal Weapon Month_ starts playing with the _Lethal Weapon_ trailer music playing in the background is shown briefly.

"Okay, let's talk about the original _Lethal Weapon_. It kicks ass." Sean said as clips from _Lethal Weapon_ start playing. "It was considered one of the best buddy cop action movies ever. It was No. 1 at the box office for three weeks before a certain Bruce Willis movie called _Blind Date_ opened at No. 1 at the box office. It was also nominated for an Academy Award for Best Sound Mixing for Les Fresholtz, Dick Alexander, Vern Poore and Bill Nelson, but lost to Bernardo Bertolucci's _The Last Emperor_ for Bill Rowe and Ivan Sharrock. The movie was a dark, gritty crime drama with a bit of humor in it and a lot of great character interaction. So, what do you when your movie makes a shit ton of money? Make a sequel of course!" Sean said as the title screen for _Lethal Weapon 2_ plays, followed by a montage of clips from the movie.

" _Lethal Weapon 2_ hit theaters on July 7th, 1989. Boy, a great year for movies. And just about everyone who was involved in the original returned. Michael Kamen, Eric Clapton and David Sanborn came back to compose the music for the film, Richard Donner came back to direct and produce the film, Joel Silver came back to produce the film, Shane Black also came back to write the screenplay for the film, along with his friend the late Warren Murphy, who worked on _The Destroyer_ series with Richard Sapir. And the late Jeffrey Boam who worked on the screenplay for David Cronenberg's film adaptation of Stephen King's _The Dead Zone_ , _Innerspace_ , _The Lost Boys_ , _Funny Farm_ and _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_ , which was released two months earlier in the same year. And of course, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover returned too. The sequel was originally called _Play Dirty_ , the first draft was written by Shane Black & Warren Murphy. Many people liked the first draft but producer Joel Silver and director Richard Donner didn't like it because it was too dark and bloody. We'll get to why later. And since the original was dark and gritty, the second one focused more on comedy. But now, back to _Lethal Weapon 2_ and today we're gonna find out if _Lethal Weapon 2_ is considered to be the best in the series. Let's dive right into….. _LETHAL WEAPON 2_!"

 **(The film opens with the main title only credit)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens with the late Michael Kamen's homage to the Looney Tunes theme and we get our awesome main title only credit. And then we cut to…**

 **(Riggs starts whooping and hollering in Murtaugh's wife's station wagon)**

Sean shrieks a bit after they show Riggs whooping in excitement during a high-speed chase through Los Angeles.

 _ **Martin Riggs (Played by Mel Gibson): (Yells in excitement) God! I love this job!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey! Calm…down!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whoa! They literally jump right into the action. We see that Sgt. Martin Riggs and Sgt. Roger Murtaugh, once again played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are in a high-speed car chase in Murtaugh's wife's new station wagon. And what a great start for the film. The two are chasing a group of unidentified suspects along with other police officers. And we see that the unidentified suspects are foreign.**

"How do I know they're foreign? Just watch." Sean said.

 **(One of the suspects start speaking in a foreign language)**

 _ **Computer Operator #1 (Played by Jeanne McGuire): (After overhearing the suspect's conversation) What the hell is that?**_

 _ **Tom Wyler (Played by Juney Smith): What fuckin' language is that, huh? I've never heard of that shit before.**_

 _ **Eddie Estaban (Played by Nestor Serrano): Maybe it was German.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh (Played by Danny Glover): Is it Japanese?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: It's a Japanese radio. Maybe they bought the L.A.P.D. as well.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: They own everything else.**_

"Oh sure, make fun of the country that gives us weird cartoons and great technology." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then one of the criminals armed with a shotgun shoot at Riggs and Murtaugh, taking out the windshield of Trish's new station wagon in the process and Murtaugh starts bitching about it. And then one of the policemen enter the pursuit, but then crashes his car and gets killed in the process.**

 **(The cop crashes his car into a trailer and explodes)**

 **Carnage Count: #1**

"Yep, that's one for the carnage count and because of the highest kill count in this movie, I am going to keep track of the kills." Sean said as an organ plays.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then the awesome car chase heats up when the two speeding vehicles Riggs and Murtaugh are chasing split up as Riggs goes after the guy in the red car on foot while the other police officers go after the other two in the blue.**

 **(While chasing the red car, Riggs is about to drive up onto the center divider of an overpass in Trish's new car during pursuit)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You're not going to make it!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah. I'm gonna make it.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: There's not enough room**_ **!**

 **(Riggs runs the car up onto the divider, scraping it along a metal guard-railing as Roger shouts at him to move over)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Goddamn it, you were right, you know. There wasn't enough room.**_

 **(Murtaugh glares at his partner)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The chase continues when the rest of the LAPD confront the other two drug dealers and a gunfight ensues when the drug dealers shoot at the cops with machine guns and they escape in a helicopter. Boy, these guys are going all out. Riggs and Murtaugh continue to pursue the red car until the chase ends with the guy crashing his car into a police officer, causing his car to flip upside down and crash into a glass shop.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, it still is.**_

"Dude, what are you complaining about? So what if this was your wife's new car? Just be glad that the car didn't explode on you during the chase." Sean said.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, it still….**_

 **(An explosion effect is added to the scene)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The criminal that Riggs and Murtaugh were pursuing escapes as they try to arrest him, only to find that he's not in the car but they end up finding something else.**

 **(Riggs kicks the trunk of the car open, only find a bunch of gold coins falling out)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Holy Christ!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: That's a lot of money.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It's gold! Gold!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers in Goldmember**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Goldmember (Played by Mike Myers): I love gooooold! The look of it. The taste of it. The smell of it. The texture.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that these gold coins are Krugerrands that the suspects were illegally importing into the country. The next day, the news of the drug bust doesn't go well when Captain Murphy, once again played by Richard Donner's cousin Steve Kahan, is displeased of Murtaugh's actions.**

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy (Played by Steve Kahan): You told me this was going to be routine drug bust. You didn't say anything about helicopters in the middle of the city, automatic weapons, Krugerrands.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Okay. This was a little bigger than we thought.**_

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: (Sees Riggs trying to get out of a strait jacket) Oh, shit. Talk to you later.**_

"Okay, I know that this is just Mel Gibson acting but he's having way too much fun with the character." Sean chuckled a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the rest of the police officers are betting to see if Riggs can free himself out of a strait jacket in five minutes. This just proves he's fucking crazy. And we're introduced to the other police officers on the force: Tom Wyler played by Juney Smith, Eddie Estaban played by Nestor Serrano, Jerry Collins played by Grand L. Bush, Tim Cavanaugh played by a young Dean Norris who you might recognize him as 'Big Jim' Rennie from the CBS show** _ **Under the Dome**_ **and as Hank Schrader from** _ **Breaking Bad**_ **, Meagan Shapiro played by Jenette Goldstein, who you'll definitely recognize her from** _ **Terminator 2: Judgment Day**_ **and as Private Vasquez in** _ **Aliens**_ **.**

 _ **Tom Wyler: (After Riggs dislocates his shoulder while he was trying to get out of the strait jacket): Well, goddamn man. Doesn't it hurt?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, it does. But not as much as… when I put it back in.**_

 **(Puts his shoulder back in)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Andi Mack**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bex and Andi Mack (Played by Lilian Bowden and Peyton Elizabeth Lee): Ohh! Nope.**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor) Why the hell do you do this to yourself, Riggs?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, who else could I do it to? I mean, none of them won't let me. And besides I need the money.**_

"What'd I tell ya? Crazy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Riggs and Murtaugh going to Murtaugh's house where they gather with Murtaugh's family, Trish, once again played by Darlene Love. Rianne, once again played by Traci Wolfe. Nick, once again played by Damon Hines. And Carrie, once again played by Ebonie Smith….**

 **(A clip from** _ **Gilligan's Island**_ **plays)**

 _ **Singers: The Professor and Mary Anne.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ooookay. Oh and Rianne's new boyfriend George, he's played by Allan Dean Moore, as they gather around the television set to watch the** _ **Tales from the Crypt**_ **episode** _ **And All Through the House**_ **.**

"An episode that Robert Zemeckis directed and it starred his ex-wife Mary Ellen Trainor." Sean said before cutting back to the review.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But not only that, it's because they're getting ready to watch Rianne's television debut in a commercial.**

 **(Riggs, Murtaugh, his family, the carpenter and George are watching the commercial that Rianne is starring in on televison)**

 _ **Announcer: When the time has come and the moment is right. Remember, use Ramses Extra condoms.**_

 _ **Rianne (Played by Traci Wolfe) and Actor: We do.**_

 **(Rianne and the actor kiss)**

 _ **Announcer: Ramses Extra. Because caring means all the protection you can get.**_

 **(Roger turns the television off. He is speechless to see his oldest daughter in a condom commercial)**

Sean snickers a bit from watching that scene. "Okay, how the fuck did she get roped into that? Did the casting director for the commercial and thought, 'Hey, looks like we found someone that could shock her father and her family.' It's like me finding out that my girlfriend is on a commercial. Oh, Christ. She better not."

 _ **Carpenter (Played by Jack McGee): She made me want to go out and buy rubbers right now.**_

Sean glares evily at the carpenter and points at him. "Don't tempt me, buddy."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to our main villains of the movie in a clichéd villain office sitting behind his clichéd desk eating steak and drinking beer with a dimly lit fish tank on the wall bringing some light to his office. Ladies and gentlemen, meet South African consul-general Arjen Rudd, he's played by Joss Ackland.**

"Who you probably might recognize him as Marshal Zelentsov in _K-19: The Widowmaker_ , Franklin Hale in the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie _Nowhere to Run_ , Andrei Lysenko in _The Hunt for Red October_ and the voice of Black Rabbit in Watership Down. And for those of you who are probably wondering how did I recognize Joss Ackland, you're talking to a guy who grew up watching movies from Walt Disney Pictures. He played Hans on _The Mighty Ducks_ and _D3: The Mighty Ducks_. He wasn't even in _D2: The Mighty Ducks_ , that was the late Jan Rubes who was on the movie. Oh, and Joss Ackland played King Arthur in that movie that the Nostalgia Critic reviewed, A _Kid in King Arthur's Court_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this is his right-hand man, a security agent named Pieter Vorstedt. He's played by Derrick O'Connor from** _ **Daredevil**_ **.**

 **(A poster of Netflix's** _ **Daredevil**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) No, not that one. The other Daredevil.**

 **(A poster of the movie** _ **Daredevil**_ **with Ben Affleck pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Ugh. This movie sucks.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we see that one of the men who escaped, named Hans, played by Mark Rolston from** _ **Aliens**_ **, about his failure for losing $1 million in Krugerrand in the hands of the LAPD.**

 _ **Hans (Played by Mark Rolston): I'm sorry, Mr. Rudd. It happens.**_

"Okay, I have watched _World's Dumbest Criminals_ on TruTV and I saw how dumb South Africans are. There were two crooks in South Africa who blew up an ATM with weapons-grade explosives and burnt some of the money. I wonder if they're dumb criminals in this one." Sean said.

 **(Vorstedt shoots Hans in the head with his suppressed Heckler & Koch P9S)**

 **Carnage Count: #2**

"Jesus! These guys are brutal! Okay, I take back what I say about South Africans, I'm scared of them now." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rudd and Vorstedt learn that the LAPD are onto their little scheme and the way to handle it is to warn them off with a threat. And who did they pick to scare off?**

 **(Vorstedt is looking over Murtaugh's file)**

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt (Played by Derrick O'Connor): Goddamn kaffir.**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. For those of you who don't know what _kaffir_ is, it's a racial term referring to black people. It's the South African term for the N-word. I'm not going to say that word because this is a family programming, we're very classy around here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Murtaugh wakes up in the middle of the night to get himself something to drink or go use the bathroom until South Africans in ski masks break into their home and tie up him and Trish as they give him a little warning.**

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: You tell your people to back off. Don't you go being a smart kaffir.**_

"Well, they're certainly doing a good job with scaring Murtaugh." Sean said. "I mean come on, they look silly wearing ski masks."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Captain Murphy reassigns Riggs and Murtaugh to another case, they're assigned to protect a federal witness who's testifying before a commission of inquiry.**

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: This is not a shit assignment.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Why us?**_

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: Because you two are the most qualified for the job. And after last night, you could use the break.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I can handle last night.**_

"You can handle last night? Old man, you were basically scared out of your mind from seeing a bunch of South Africans in ski masks and they had you and your wife tied up and your mouths taped shut with duct tape and you can handle last night. I just see the word "Bitch" tattooed on your forehead."

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: This stinks. This stinks. This stinks.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh head down to the hotel to protect Leo Getz, he's played hilariously by Joe Pesci and Riggs and Murtaugh don't take a liking to him.**

 _ **Leo Getz (Played by Joe Pesci): That's me, Leo Getz. Whatever you need, Leo gets. You get it?**_

Sean's friend Brian drinks his coffee and almost chokes on it after hearing Leo's bad pun. "Boo! That joke sucks."

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is one of the good parts of the movie, Joe Pesci as Leo Getz. He's just having a ball playing that character.**

 _ **Leo Getz: You guys hungry? I'll call down and get something else. See this silk robe? Silk pajamas? Free!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It's not free.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Yes, it is. It's free!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It's taxpayers' money.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Oh, God! Come on, it's the same thing. Okay?**_

"Well, this must be the best Best Western he's ever been to." Sean said.

"Have you been to California? I don't think so." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh open the door to let a room service waiter in the room but then it's revealed the waiter is a South African hit man trying to kill Leo.**

"And whatever you do, Riggs. Don't try to go at the South African hit man and push him out of the window. Because you'll end up killing Leo and the hit man…" Sean said.

 **(Riggs jumps at the hit man to stop him from trying to kill Leo)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Martin, not the window!**_

 **(Riggs pushes the South African hit man and Leo out of the window as they fall into the pool, with Riggs falling in the pool as well)**

"You fucking idiot!" Sean exclaimed and made a facepalm.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then a game of Marco Polo turns deadly when Riggs fights the hit man underwater and punches him four times in the face, only to see that it was Leo that he punched and not the hit man and the hit man gets away. We then learn why the hit man tried to kill Leo, was that he laundered half a billion dollars in drug money. News of Leo getting away and being in the hands of Riggs and Murtaugh upsets Rudd while Vorstedt checks to see if he doesn't get his brain matter splattered all over the floor.**

 _ **Arjen Rudd (Played by Joss Ackland): (After seeing Vorstedt looking down at the floor) What are you doing?**_

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: I just checking to see if I was standing on plastic.**_

"Okay, that was pretty funny. Vorstedt was afraid if he messes up something like this, Rudd would put a bullet in his head." Sean said, laughing a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back at Murtaugh's house, Leo explains to Riggs and Murtaugh how money laundering works, this of course is ILLEGAL and people GO TO JAIL for this. So, let's pay attention.**

 **Leo Getz: (Giving a lesson on money laundering) I deposit the cash into the account of a dummy finance company. Now, then I issue you a cashier's check in his name minus a small commission for myself.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: How much.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Two percent standard.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Not bad, Leo. Pretty prosperous.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: You give it back to me as collateral on a loan I make to you. But you don't pay back the loan. You keep the money.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: How's that work?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: How's what? That's it! Don't you get it? It's your money. You don't pay it back. It's yours, and it's clean! It is now laundered. This is the best part. You got it? You take a tax deduction on interest payments that you don't even make. Am I an innovator? Am I a genius?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I think you're a swindler.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Cheat!**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Come on. Everybody cheats. Look at the Pentagon. Okay, okay, okay. So you got it?**_

 **(Murtaugh looks at Riggs as Riggs shrugs his shoulders and makes a quizzical look)**

"The Pentagon? Really?" Brian asked before sipping his coffee.

"Yeah, sounds like something that Oliver Otto from _American Housewife_ would do since the little bastard wants to be money-hungry." Sean said as a season two photo of Oliver Otto from _American Housewife_ pops up next to him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Leo then gives Riggs and Murtaugh the name of one of the drugs dealers and they decide to check out the house on stilts.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: We're back, we're bad! You're black, I'm mad.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Listen, listen. If we're going, shouldn't I have a gun?**_

 _ **Riggs and Murtaugh: (Both) No!**_

"Yeah, if you give Joe Pesci a gun, this is what's going to happen." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Goodfellas**_ **plays with Tommy shooting Spider multiple times. A clip from** _ **Home Alone 2: Lost in New York**_ **plays where Harry pulls out a gun and attempts to shoot Kevin. A clip from** _ **My Cousin Vinny**_ **plays where Vinny runs out of the cabin and starts shooting at everything. And a clip from** _ **Casino**_ **plays where Nicky shoots Anna Scott in the head three times)**

"How did he get roped into this?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In a scene only to be seen in the Director's Cut version of the movie, Riggs, Murtaugh and Leo successlessly look for the house they're looking for and they discuss a little about the street. And Leo recalls the suspect's address in a very unusual, humorous way.**

 _ **Leo Getz: (While working on his calculator) The last three numbers have to be either 739 or 658. Either one of those groups. The first number's gotta be a 9 because I told you that 9 was my lucky number. I was born on the ninth day… See, that's it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Riggs blindfoldedly chooses one from the address book and they arrive at the location. Riggs and Murtaugh investigate while Leo waits in the car and Riggs, being the wild card that he is, pretends to be a pool boy.**

 _ **Man #1: This house is built on stilts.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Stilts? No, I'm sure there's going to be a pool here.**_

 **(Riggs hits one of the South African henchmen with a pool net and hits the other in the groin with the handle of the pool net and throws the net over the first henchman's head)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs arrests two of the henchmen, but then gets shot at by the hit man that tried to kill Leo back at the hotel and Riggs and Murtaugh go after the man, with Riggs going on foot and Murtaugh and Leo in the car in another awesome car chase.**

 **(Riggs is holding onto dear life on the tow truck while Murtaugh is behind him. A truck with a surfboard on top appears)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Oh, shit!**_

 **(The South African hit man hits the breaks, causing Riggs to fall off of the bumper of the tow truck)**

 _ **Leo Getz: Watch out!**_

 **(Murtaugh hits the breaks on the station wagon and hits the car on the back of the tow truck, causing it to fly at Riggs as Riggs rolls out of the way. The red truck crashes into the car, sending the surfboard flying at the tow truck and into the hit man's head, instantly killing him)**

 **Carnage Count: #3**

 **(A clip from** _ **Brutal Legend**_ **plays)**

 _ **Eddie Riggs (Voiced by Jack Black): DECAPITATIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!**_

"Hey, buddy. Surf's up, pal!" Sean said as a rim shot is heard.

"Ooh! Wipeout, dude!" Brian said as he imitates a surfer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh arrive at the stilt house to make some arrests, but it's not long until Arjen Rudd confronts them.**

 _ **Arjen Rudd: You have no idea what you're doing.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well, I wouldn't worry too much about that. We're professional police officers. We do this for a living.**_

 _ **Arjen Rudd: My name is Arjen Rudd. I'm minister of diplomatic affairs for the South African Consulate.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Everybody take it easy. Especially you, Riggs.**_

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: Riggs? You Martin Riggs?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, of the Chicago Riggses. What's your name?**_

"Wait, how does Adolf know who Riggs is? What? Did this guy use to be partners with him? Did Riggs sleep with his wife or something?" Sean asked as an evil laugh is heard in the background. "The fuck was that?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Rudd invokes diplomatic immunity…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **plays)**

 _ **Peter Griffin: (Singing) I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue.**_

 _ **Arjen Rudd: My dear officer you could not even give me a parking ticket. (Smiles) Who is the dickhead now?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Katie Otto: What a total [beep]!**_

 **(Her daughter Taylor, played by Meg Donnelly, looks at her in shock)**

"Wow, you think he wouldn't know that term? And does diplomatic immunity apply to all people? I hope it does so the cops wouldn't keep giving me speeding tickets." Sean said before the cutaway gag starts.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(A cop pulls Sean over for speeding and walks up to his car to give him a ticket)**

 **Taylor: Sean, whatever you do, don't do anything stupid. Please.**

 **Sean: Relax, sweetie. It'll be alright.**

 **Cop: Sir, may I see your license and registration?**

 **Sean: (Yells) I have diplomatic immunity, bitch!**

 **(Sean karate chops the cop, knocking him out and starts speeding off)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and the rest of their backup leave the premises and then we meet Riggs' love interest in the movie, a consulate secretary named Rika Van der….. Vandenberg…. Van der Woodsen… Vanderwahl…**

 _ **Rika Van den Haas (Played by Patsy Kensit): Van den Haas.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. She's played by Patsy Kensit.**

"And for those of you who don't know who Patsy Kensit is, she was the lead singer in a British pop band called Eighth Wonder." Sean said as a photo of Patsy Kensit in Eighth Wonder pops up. "And here's one of their songs."

 **(Eighth Wonder's** _ **I'm Not Scared**_ **music video starts playing)**

"Man, Patsy Kensit was sexier back in the 80s, and now she's still smoking hot at age 49. Not bad for British woman." Sean smirked as Taylor turns to him and clears her throat in jealousy.

"You do know I'm sitting right here?" Taylor asked, crossing her arms at Sean and raised her eyebrow at him while Sean stayed quiet and looked at the camera before looking down at his desk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that she's liberal-minded and she despises her boss Rudd and his racial philosophy. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Arjen Rudd is racist. Don't believe me? Just watch and listen to what he has to say.**

 _ **Arjen Rudd: The policies of our government are not popular here in America, as you know. The police department of this city is overrun with blacks. They have badges and guns, and they hate us.**_

"Jesus Christ! What is he, the South African version of David Duke?" Sean asked.

"Fucking Apartheid shit!" Brian yelled, almost throwing his wine bottle at the wall.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Riggs and Murtaugh are babysitting Leo and they order their food from a drive-through at Subway and Leo complains about getting the wrong sandwich and makes a hilarious rant about going through drive-throughs.**

 _ **Leo Getz: Don't ever go up to the drive-through, okay? Always walk up to the counter. You know why? Okay, okay, okay. Let me tell you. They fuck you at the drive-through, okay? They fuck you at the drive-through. They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked, okay. They know you're not gonna turn around and go back. So they don't care. Who gets fucked? Oh, Leo Getz! Sure! I don't give a fuck I'm not eating this tuna, okay!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs and Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (Both) SHUT UP!**_

"You know Leo makes a pretty good point. I have to agree with him. They tend to screw up your order when you go through the drive-through. You don't know how many times that this happened to me. And I tend to always walk up to the counter. I remember the last time I went through the drive-through at Wendy's." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean enters the dining room and sits the food down on the table and hands Taylor her food)**

 **Sean: Okay, I got the triple classic and you got the chicken sandwich and….**

 **Taylor: Uh, Sean?**

 **Sean: What?**

 **Taylor: I asked for Biggie fries, not a small fry.**

 **Sean: (Checks the bag and sees that Taylor's gotten a small fry instead of the Biggie fries) Goddamn it! I specifically told them Biggie fries. Those idiots!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Riggs begins to harass Rudd and the South African consulate, defying Rudd's orders to stay away from them. And he even amuses Rudd's secretary in the process. Then Riggs heads back to his trailer to find that Leo has been tidying it up a bit, then gets a phone from Collins and that she hasn't heard from him and that he didn't answer his phone. So, Riggs drives over to Murtaugh's house to check to see if his partner is alright. So he heads upstairs and what does he find?**

 **(A clip from** _ **National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1**_ **starts playing)**

 **(Colt kicks the door open, only to see Luger sitting on the toilet)**

 _ **Jack Colt (Played by Emilio Estevez): What are you doing?**_

 _ **Wes Luger (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): Nothing. Taking a shit.**_

 **(Luger flushes the toilet)**

 _ **Jack Colt: Sorry.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating and laughs) Sorry, I couldn't resist. Actually, Riggs finds Murtaugh sitting on the toilet and finds a little message that the South Africans left for Murtaugh that's written on toilet paper and an explosive gift.**

 **(Riggs looks down and sees the bomb on the toilet)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Tell me I'm not fucked.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: He's fucked.**_

"Wow, what a really shitty way to kill someone." Sean said as a rim shot his heard and the words "Bad Joke Alert" pops up and a clip from Caddicarus' review of the video game _Rascal_ starts playing, showing Caddicarus drinking a bottle of wine.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs calls the bomb squad so they can disarm the bomb. With everybody out of the house, Riggs stays with Murtaugh to help him hop off of the toilet, in a scene showing a heartfelt bond that the partners have developed together.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Martin?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What?**_

 **(Roger stays silent for a moment, trying to say the words to Martin)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I know.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I mean it, man.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I hear you.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: We're not gonna fucking die, all right?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Okay.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: On "three". One… two… three!**_

 **(Riggs pulls Murtaugh off of the toilet and into the bathtub as the bomb explodes, sending the toilet flying and landing on Murtaugh's station wagon)**

"Well, it's not trying to clear a clogged toilet with an M-80, which I've seen happen, by the way." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Leo head down to the South African consulate to find out what they can find on Rudd, but since Riggs is not allowed on the premises, Leo and Murtaugh enter the building and create the most hilarious diversion ever.**

 _ **Consulate Envoy (Played by Jim Piddock): Listen to your friend here. He knows what he's talking about. I don't think you really don't want to go to South Africa.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Why not?**_

 _ **Consulate Envoy: Because you're black.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: You are. He is.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Of course I'm black. That's why I want to go to South Africa. To join my oppressed brothers, to take up the struggle against the tyranny of the racist, fascist, white minority regime.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Facist white regime!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: One man, one vote.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: One man, one vote!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Free South Africa, you dumb son of a bitch!**_

 _ **Leo Getz: You dumb son of a bitch!**_

"Free Mandela, you dumb sons of bitches!" Sean yelled, holding a poster of Nelson Mandela.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Their little diversion works as Riggs enters the building and sneaks into Rudd's office while Rog and Leo are kicked out of the building. Riggs finds some dirt of Rudd but not until the South African David Duke and the master race arrive, which gives Riggs the opportunity to go crazy.**

 **(One of the South African hit men, played by Paul Tuerpe, gets headbutted by Riggs, while the other, played by Sherman Howard, gets kicked by Riggs. Riggs pulls his gun out and points it at the South African hit man, who's armed with an MP5K)**

 **Henchman With Glasses Counter:**

 **#2. South African Hit man with Glasses**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hey! Hey! Get your fingers off. Hands off! I'm surprised you haven't heard about me. You know I got a bad reputation and sometimes I just go nuts, like now. (Chuckles)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Riggs gives Rudd a little warning.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You fold up your tents and get the fuck out of my country, and I won't do anything to you. I'll leave you alone. 'Cause if you stick around here, I'm gonna fuck your ass.**_

Sean was busy drinking his can of Brisk lemon iced tea and does a spit take after hearing Riggs' line. "WHAT THE HELL? Did he just say he was going to fuck what? Did he say that he was going to fuck Rudd's ass? What the hell is with this film series' homoerotic overtones? That's like one of those scenes that can be taken out of context."

 _ **Arjen Rudd: Just get out of here kaffir lover.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Ooh, you shouldn't had said that, bitch.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (Getting ready to shoot) Eenie… meenie… minie… Hey, Moe!**_

 **(Riggs shoots the fish tank)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hey, sorry Adolf.**_

 **(The South African hit men try to pick up the fish with their hands)**

 _ **Arjen Rudd: Pick them up with your hands.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Big smile. Big smile. Big smile! (Leaves)**_

 **(Vorstedt just stands their silently as Riggs leaves)**

"Okay, what is up with Vorstedt? What is his deal? Is he obsessed with Riggs? He knows who he is and then he watches him leave? What is he like that Uruk from _Shadow of War_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (V/O as Vorstedt) They told me about you but they didn't mention your beauty. No sir, they did not. You're mine now, love. For ever, and ever, and ever…**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that day, Riggs bumps into Rika Van der whatsit? Van de Kamp's fish, Van Haagen Daas?**

 _ **Rika Van den Haas: Van den Haas.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whatever. He bumps into at the grocery story and he strikes up a romance with her and he invites her over to his trailer for dinner and then she questions him about her boss.**

 _ **Rika Van den Haas: Rudd's hiding behind his diplomatic credentials, isn't he?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What's that?**_

 _ **Rika Van den Haas: Rudd's hiding behind his diplomatic credentials.**_

 **(Riggs nods)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: He's not a very nice guy, your boss.**_

 _ **Rika Van den Haas: Then whatever he's doing, he shouldn't get away with it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Rudd's office, Arjen finds out that Riggs took a note that was on his desk about Alba Varden and the shipment, this pisses him off and he sends Vorstedt to deal with the investigative officers.**

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: Tell me something, Wyler. Have your brains ever seen the light of day?**_

 _ **Tom Wyler: Who are you? What the fuck do you want? I'm a cop, you son of a bitch!**_

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: No, you were a cop, Wyler.**_

 **(Vorstedt shoots Wyler in the head)**

 **Carnage Count: #4**

 **(We then cut to Shapiro, who's about to jump into her swimming pool, is killed by a bomb after jumping off of her diving board)**

 **Carnage Count: #5**

 **(We cut to a poker game at Cavanaugh's house, where Cavanaugh, Collins and two other officers are playing poker. Cavanaugh walks up to his microwave, turning it on. He turns the stereo on until a bomb explodes, instantly killing them and blowing up the house)**

 **Carnage Count: #9**

"And the body count rises." Sean said, in his Decker Shado imitation while an organ plays.

"Geez. This guy just doesn't know when to quit." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, with Murtaugh and Leo, Murtaugh heads back to his house, realizing why Alba Varden sounds so familiar, so he checks the videotape of his birthday. He then learns that Alba Varden is the name of a ship, not a woman.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (Turns off the television and sees someone entering the house) Leo, I thought I told you to stay in the car.**_

 **(He turns around and sees a South African hit man)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Shit!**_

"AHHHH! SOUTH AFRICAN!" Sean screams.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Son of a bitch! What you doing in my house?!**_

 **(The South African hit man attacks Murtaugh with just kicks)**

"Uh, why is this guy using kicks only on Murtaugh? Is that the South African fighting style? These guys are supposed to be lethal. Mix it up with punches and kicks. Using kicks only is like using slappers only on _Goldeneye 64_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, this guy pulled out a knife to try to kill Murtaugh, and this guy made a big mistake of bringing a knife to a nail gun fight.**

 **(Murtaugh shoots the hit man in the head with a nail gun)**

 **Carnage Count #10**

 **(Another hit man comes up from behind Murtaugh and tries to kill him. Murtaugh shoots the hit man multiple times with the nail gun, killing the hit man)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Nailed them both.**_

"Sounds like me after having a threesome." Sean chuckled. "Come on, that line deserves a Thug Life moment."

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Nailed them both.**_

 **(The words "Thug Life" pop up next to Murtaugh, and a pair of sunglasses appear on his face while the song** _ **Still D.R.E.**_ **by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After taking out the assassins, Murtaugh heads outside to check on Leo, but he is abducted in the process and his car was stolen as well. Looks like the South Africans have mastered** _ **Grand Theft Auto V**_ **. Back at Riggs' trailer, we see that Riggs and Rika are busy having sex. Oh, come on now. You two just met…**

 **(The song** _ **Call Me Maybe**_ **by Carly Rae Jepson starts playing during Riggs & Rika's sex scene)**

"Stop, stop, STOP IT!" Sean yelled as the song stops.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But their lovemaking is interrupted by helicopters and a group of assassins armed with MP5 machine guns start gunning down his trailer, while Riggs and Rika make their escape, well Rika hiding in Riggs' truck, only for Riggs to take out the assassins.**

 **(Riggs uses the masked assassin as a bullet shield while the other shoots at Riggs, killing the assassin and Riggs shooting the other assassin)**

 **Carnage Count: #12**

 **(Riggs starts gunning down the other two masked assailants and another who was sitting in the helicopter)**

 **Carnage Count: #15**

 _ **Rika Van den Haas: Who were those people?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You tell me. I don't know. Was it your husband or what? What are you doing Saturday?**_

"Dude, focus!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs dispatches another masked assailant….**

 **Carnage Count: #16**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right. And the bad guys escape. But at least Riggs got his dog.**

 _ **Rika Van den Haas: (While Riggs is taking her up to her apartment) This is the most incredible first date I've ever been on.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Wait until you see the second.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs takes Rika home and gives her a goodnight kiss, but before he goes back to his place to pick up a few things, he gets ambushed by Vorstedt. And then we get to learn why Vorstedt knows about Riggs. And you all remember in the first one that it was revealed that Riggs' wife Victoria Lynn was killed in a car accident, well…just watch.**

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: Four years ago when you was as narc down at Long Beach, you were getting too close to us so we put a contract out on you. I handled it myself. Drove your car right off the fucking road, remember? But of course you weren't driving, were you? You can't imagine the surprise. I pull back this matted mop of blood-soaked hair to see this woman's face. Your wife, right?**_

 **(Riggs stays slient)**

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: She didn't die straight away. It took a bit of time. (Takes a drink from his flask)**_

 **(Riggs looks at Vorstedt, in a pit of rage, angered by the man who killed his wife, tries to attack him, but is stopped by two of the henchmen)**

 _ **Pieter Vorstedt: Don't have much luck with women, do you Riggs?**_

"That's right, folks. This guy Vorstedt is the one responsible for Riggs' wife's death years ago during a botched assassination attempt. I guess Shane Black saw _Halloween II_ after seeing the scene where Laurie Strode was revealed to be Michael Myers' sister." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vorstedt's men, throw Riggs in the water, leaving him to drown, but Riggs manages to make his escape, but then he finds Rika's dead body in the water, and now it's time for the Carnage Count to go up since Rika's dead.**

 **Carnage Count: #17**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And make sure you add two more bodies to the list.**

 **(Riggs snaps one of the henchman's neck and grabs the other henchman, slamming his head into the car's windshield and hitting him repeatedly with the car door)**

 **Carnage Count: #19**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After killing two of Rudd's men, Riggs is out for blood and phones Murtaugh in pursuing Rudd and avenging the deaths of their fellow partners, his wife and Rika. Murtaugh forsakes his badge to aid his partner by meeting up with him at the stilt house. Back at the stilt house, Leo is being tortured and beaten by Vorstedt and his men while Riggs and Murtaugh arrive and come up with a plan.**

"And you guys remember the mission from _Grand Theft Auto V_ where you're Michael and you and Franklin are chasing the tennis instructor who slept with Amanda and Michael uses the tow truck to bring down the stilt house that was owned by Martin Madrazo? Well, I guess the creators of the game got inspired from watching this scene."

 **(Vorstedt sees Riggss trying to pull the house down with his truck and shoots at him. Murtaugh enters the stilt house and shoots at the MP5K-armed henchman and another as Vorstedt escapes)**

 **Carnage Count: #21**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh rescues Leo and they escape the stilt house as Riggs literally brings the house down.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, you crazy mother…!**_

 **(A telephone pole falls)**

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly: Oh, my God! Have you gone insane?!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Grand Theft Auto V**_ **plays)**

 _ **Michael De Santa (Voiced by Ned Luke): Fuck him! And fuck his deck!**_

"Fuck him and fuck his racist regime!" Sean and Brian both yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After rescuing Leo, Riggs and Murtaugh head for the Alba Varden and Murtaugh tells Riggs that it's a cargo ship and that it's heading out to South Africa and after taking out three of Rudd's men that were guarding the cargo container…..**

 **Carnage Counter: #24**

 **Sean: (Narrating) They enter the cargo container and what do they find….**

 **(Riggs turns on the car's headlights, revealing hundreds of millions in drug money)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Holy shit. Fort Knox!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Billions! A fucking Donald Trump lotto!**_

"You know what's funny? The guy that he mentioned became president." Sean chuckled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh get locked in the container by Rudd's men and they break out of the box, scattering two pallets of Rudd's drug money into the harbor.**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (While grabbing as much money as he can) Oh, my God! I'm rich! I'm rich! It's mine! All mine! Oh, man. I'm gonna buy my girl something nice.**

 **(Two of Rudd's henchmen starts shooting as Sean starts screaming and runs away)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Holy shit. You go first, I'm really too old for this shit.**_

 **I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #4**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, you go first. I'll cover you.**_

 **(Riggs pushes Murtaugh out of the container, then jumps out next, shooting at two of Rudd's men, killing them in the process)**

 **Carnage Count: #26**

 **Sean: (Narrating) A firefight ensues and the carnage count goes up.**

 **(Riggs throws away the MP5 and shoots one of the henchmen with his pistol)**

 **Carnage Count: #27**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (While shooting at the other henchman multiple times) Shapiro, Moss, Wyler, Cavanaugh, Friesen. For all of them! For Rika!**_

 **Carnage Count: #28**

 **(Another one of Rudd's men looks down and sees Murtaugh, Murtaugh shoots the henchman. We then cut to another henchman shooting at Riggs. Riggs shoots at the henchman, sending him falling to his death)**

 **Carnage Count: #30**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs looks for Murtaugh but instead he has a run-in with…**

 **(Vorstedt throws a knife in back of Riggs' leg. Riggs yells as Vorstedt runs and kicks Riggs' gun from out of his hand and uses only kicks to attack him. We then cut to Murtaugh, who is getting shot at by one of Rudd's men, pulls out his revolver and shoots at the henchman)**

 **Carnage Count #31**

 **(We then cut back to Vorstedt beating up Riggs with only kicks)**

"Oh, come on! What is with these South Africans using kicks and not with their hands? We have one guy who was using only kicks on Murtaugh and now Vorstedt is using kicks on Riggs. But hey, Vorstedt have made a fatal mistake in fighting Riggs. And to quote Michael Loftus from TruTV's _World's Dumbest Confrontations_ : "Never fight a crazy guy." And he'll see why." Sean said.

 **(Riggs punches Vorstedt in the groin and punches him repeatedly in the face)**

"He should've got that tattooed on the inside of his eyeballs." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs takes Vorstedt's knife from out of his leg and stabs his wife's murderer in the gut repeatedly before going for the finishing kill.**

 **(Riggs prepares to kill Vorstedt but doesn't)**

"Dude! What are you doing? Finish him! You had the knife to his throat, do to him what Polliver did to Lommy on _Game of Thrones_. Just help him up and stab the fucker in the throat!" Sean yelled as we cut to a mortally wounded Vorstedt getting up and pulls out his gun. "Oh, shit! He's got a gun!"

 **(Riggs walks over to the carrier container control)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Hmm, what does this button do?**

 **(Vorstedt prepares to shoot and kill Riggs but Riggs pushes the red button, dropping the container on Vorstedt)**

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Vorstedt knew he fucked up.**

 **(The container crushes and kills Vorstedt)**

 **Carnage Count: #32**

"Boy, I wish I had a bad joke to come up with but I'm flat out." Sean said as someone shoots at him after hearing his bad pun. "Jesus!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the bad guys dead and Riggs avenging his wife's death, Riggs and Murtaugh meet up and the day is saved. Nothing can possibly go…**

 **(Riggs gets shot in the back multiple times by Rudd, who's armed with a Broomhandle Mauser pistol)**

"Noooo! RIGGS!" Sean screamed out loud after seeing Riggs getting shot in the back multiple times.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Drop it, asshole!**_

 _ **Arjen Rudd: Diplomatic immunity!**_

"Bitch! You think you could pull that card on Murtaugh? That ain't gonna work! Murtaugh…. Uh, Sloan. Give Murtaugh the order to shoot him." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Wanted**_ **plays)**

 _ **Sloan (Played by Morgan Freeman): Shoot this motherfucker!**_

 **(Murtaugh twists his neck to make the perfect headshot, fires his revolver and shoots Rudd in the head)**

 **Carnage Count: #33**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It's just been revoked.**_

 **(We cut to a photo Roger Murtaugh wearing sunglasses and a gold chain around his neck, with the words "Thug Life" next to him while** _ **Ante Up**_ **by M.O.P. starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh goes to check on his partner, who is close to death and tends to Riggs while the police arrive)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You're not dead until I tell you, you got that? You got that, Riggs? You're not dead until I tell you. You got that, Riggs? You're not dead until I tell you. Now breathe with me. Breathe. Now, breathe.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hey, Rog. Rog, in my pocket.**_

 **(Murtaugh reaches down to get something below, almost as though digging into Riggs' pocket.**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, my God, no! (Murtaugh pulls out a pack of cigarettes from out of Riggs' pocket) Oh.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I want you to throw those things away. Those things will kill you. Really. (Riggs smiles and laughs)**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (Laughs) You son of a bitch! I thought you were dying.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, man. I didn't die on your toilet, I'm not gonna die in your arms. Where are they? Are they all gone? The bad guys? Did you get them?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: They been de-kaffirnated.**_

 **(Both Riggs and Murtaugh start laughing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And our film ends with both Riggs and Murtaugh sharing a laugh together as more LAPD personnel respond to the scene while the late George Harrison's** _ **Cheer Down**_ **starts playing.**

"And that was Lethal Weapon 2. I freaking love it." Sean said as clips of the film starts playing along with the song _Cheer Down_. "I know that people say that the original is better than the sequel. But the sequel is way better than the original. Now, the ending was different in Shane Black's draft, in which Riggs' dies, his script was rejected, he quit the project after working for six months on it and he said the problem that he had with the second film was that it focused more on comedy. In his script, it focused more on courage and heroics. But with Riggs dying, it could've saved us from two more sequels. Note: I think every _Lethal Weapon_ film is awesome. I love all of them. But I love what they did differently with this one. The original was dark, gritty and dramatic, this one had some dark moments in it and some light-hearted whimsical moments, it was a mix of action and comedy. Hell, Mel Gibson, Danny Glover and Richard Donner have stated that this one is their favorite film of the Lethal Weapon series. Just like the original Lethal Weapon, this one was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Sound Editing for Robert G. Henderson. All the characters returned, we have some new characters as well like Joe Pesci as the irritable Leo Getz and Joss Ackland as the sinister Arjen Rudd. I even enjoyed Derrick O'Connor as Pieter Vorstedt, that's a character that you would just love to hate. All and all, I don't find much to complain about _Lethal Weapon 2_. Well, if you want me to nitpick a little, it would have to be the South African accents. I mean, it's just too laughable. I know that Joss Ackland is British and Derrick O'Connor is Irish and I mean it's not the worst but there are countless examples of bad accents throughout the movie. In conclusion, I think _Lethal Weapon 2_ is a worthy follow-up. If you enjoy _Lethal Weapon_ , you will definitely enjoy _Lethal Weapon 2_. So, that's why I'm going to give this review and this is a first because I'm taking this rating one step beyond. I'm gong to give Lethal Weapon 2, a SIX!" Sean cheered as the audience applauds. "It's awesometacular! I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when _Lethal Weapon Month_ continues with _Lethal Weapon 3_.

 **(A clip from** _ **Sesame Street**_ **plays)**

 _ **Mel Gibson: (Looking at the Danger sign) Hey, Danny. Look at this "Danger".**_

 _ **Danny Glover: (Looks at the sign) "Danger"?**_

 _ **Mel Gibson: Yeah.**_

 _ **Danny Glover: I don't see anything dangerous around here. Do you?**_

 _ **Mel Gibson: No, I don't see anything dangerous at all.**_

 _ **Danny Glover: Yeah, that's strange.**_

 **(Mel and Danny look around as they hear a loud noise. They both look up and move out of the way as a "3" lands on the "Danger" sign)**

 _ **Danny Glover: That was close.**_

 _ **Mel Gibson: Yeah, these threes are getting worse this year.**_

 _ **Danny Glover: Yeah.**_

 _ **Mel Gibson: And bigger.**_

 _ **Danny Glover: And louder too.**_

"Oh, yeah. I forgot that _Sesame Street_ did a parody of _Lethal Weapon 3_." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Diplomatic immunity!**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed this hilarious review. Tune in next time when Sean takes on** _ **Lethal Weapon 3.**_ **Is it considered the best or the worst in the series? You decide. Although** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **will continue throughout March, I might get** _ **Lethal Weapon 3**_ **done by my 26** **th** **birthday or after my birthday and maybe the Lethal Weapon 4 review will be in March to wrap it up. Then, I'll start on the review of** _ **Disney's Zombies**_ **. Don't forget to review this, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to co-review a movie or a television show with me, feel free to PM me. It has to be a movie or a television show that I've seen, if I haven't seen it, then I'll go check it out. If you're interested, feel free to let me know. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	13. Lethal Weapon Month Part 3: LW3

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. I am the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope you're ready to read the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, because I am tackling** _ **Lethal Weapon 3**_ **. Is this one considered to be good or bad? Let's see what the Mayhem Critic thinks. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **(The review opens with a recap of** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **, as clips from the movie are seen throughout the intro. It is in the style of the 1960s** _ **Batman**_ **series)**

 **Announcer:** **(Talking in the style of the 1960s** _ **Batman**_ **series) Last time, on a really awesome** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **movie, South Africans in LA? Murtaugh gets threatened by them to back away. Joe Pesci as Leo Getz and he makes a pretty hilarious character. Love is in the air for Riggs when he falls for the lead singer of Eighth Wonder. Hans from** _ **The Mighty Ducks**_ **as the villain? He does pretty well. Rudd declares war on the police and starts killing some of the police officers, including Pt. Vasquez from** _ **Aliens**_ **and Hank Schrader from** _ **Breaking Bad**_ **. The killer of Riggs' wife is revealed and Riggs is out for blood, avenging her death and Rika's. What's this? Riggs gets shot but lives. Looks like the director wanted to keep Riggs in the series and it looks like this screenwriter wants out of this series. Will the** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **series go on without Shane Black? Will the third entry in the series impress** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **fans? Stay tuned! Same** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **time, same** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **place!**

The intro ends with Sean making a face at the camera. "Are you kidding me? A _Batman_ parody in 2018? Has this joke been done to death like a million times? Cue the intro."

 **(The intro starts off with a main title only opening in the style of** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **)**

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing that we're continuing _Lethal Weapon Month_. We're taking a look at the third entry in the film series _, Lethal Weapon 3_. People consider this to be the worst one in the series. Well, that's weird. I thought that _Lethal Weapon 4_ was the worst entry in the series? Well, I mean there are good things about it. I don't know. Maybe I should give this one a second look. Okay, so in the first one, Riggs and Murtaugh went up against heroin-smuggling mercenaries. In the second one, they took on a South African diplomat who's smuggling drugs and Krugerrands. This time, Riggs and Murtaugh take on an arms dealer is providing LA street gangs special cop killer bullets.

How bad could it be? Okay, so Shane Black left the series after _Lethal Weapon 2_ , because of creative differences between him, the producer and Richard Donner over the script for the second one. Well, at least Shane Black has _The Last Boy Scout_ , that was released back in 1991. Don't worry, I'll get to that one soon. But anyway, let's get this review started. Let's see what went wrong with the series. This is _Lethal Weapon 3_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film starts off with the opening on fire, with Sting's** _ **It's Probably Me**_ **playing. And to be honest with you, I really like this opening. I love how it is done and I enjoyed the song as well. And after this opening ends, we find our heroes Sgt. Martin Riggs and Sgt. Roger Murtaugh, once again played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, they're called into action when there's car in the parking lot with a bomb inside it.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh (Played by Danny Glover): Bomb squad's on the way.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs (Played by Mel Gibson): Oh, there's no bomb in there!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: There's a bomb in that building!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, there's not.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: No, there's a bomb in that building!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: There is not.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: There is a bomb in that building! You know how come I know there's a bomb in the building?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: How?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Because I've got eight days to retirement and I will not make a stupid mistake.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Look, there is no bomb in the building. I will bet vital parts of my anatomy to the fact. Now, look. Trust me. Okay?**_

 **(Riggs enters the building as Murtaugh turns and watches his partner)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: That's usually my first mistake.**_

"Riggs, listen to your partner. Sheesh." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh head into the building and check the parking garage for the bomb as Riggs examines the bomb and decides to cut one of the wires until they are joined by a…**

 **(Murtaugh sees a cat on the roof of the car as the cat meows)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, everybody's outside. Just me, you and this cat are dumb enough to be down here.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Nearly a cat-tastrophe, huh? (Chuckles)**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Zombies**_ **plays, as the audience boos at Addison with Riggs' head superimposed on top of hers)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Looks like I'm going to have to do it the old-fashioned way.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, what are you thinking? What are you thinking, Riggs? Riggs?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm thinking we should cut the blue wire.**_

"Yeah. Good choice but are you sure it's the blue wire?" Sean asked.

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You think maybe red?**_

"Ooh, ooh. No. Too risky. Try the blue wire. You got 8 minutes and 42 seconds. Don't blow this for the bomb squad." Sean said.

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm cutting the red wire, okay?**_

 **(Riggs prepares to cut the red wire)**

"Wait, wait, wait!" Sean yelled.

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What? What?**_

"If you cut the red wire here's what's going to happen: you are going two are both going to be busted down to patrolman. Don't do anything stupid, just leave it to the professionals. That's your best bet. Just forget it and let it go…" Sean said.

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (Cuts the red wire) Snip. See? All done.**_

 **(After Riggs cuts the red wire, the timer accelerates)**

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Riggs and Murtaugh knew, they fucked up.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Rog.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Grab the cat!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Grab the cat?**_

 **(Riggs and Murtaugh run for their lives, yelling to take cover as the building explodes and collapses)**

 **(A clip from JonTron plays)**

 _ **JonTron: You fucking idiot!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Whoops.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Right. Whoops.**_

"Dude, you had 8 minutes. You should've waited for the bomb squad to show up, but did you? Nooo!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Riggs and Murtaugh are busted down to patrolmen after their blunder, this proves to be embarrassing for Murtaugh, who's only seven days till retirement, and the two of them start to bicker like a married couple.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: My fucking feet are killing me.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, your feet are killing me too.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: How come my feet are killing you?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Because I gotta listen to you bitch about them!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you rather listen to be bitch because you should've cut the red wire!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I did cut the red wire!**_

 **(He grabs Murtaugh and finds something unusual)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What's this?**_

"He's pregnant. The fuck do you think?" Sean asked.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It's a girdle.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Oh, God. It's a girdle!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Does Trish know about this?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It's not a woman's girdle, it's a man's girdle!**_

"A man's girdle? Isn't it something that women wear not men? They make girdles for women. That's weird." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs notices a man jaywalking and they end up citing the guy until Riggs loses it.**

 **Jaywalker (Played by Andrew Hill Newman): I don't have it on me, okay? I wasn't driving, okay? I was walking! What do I need a walking license now?**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (Pulls his gun out) Oh, for Chriss…. Let's just shoot him!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!**_

 _ **Jaywalker: What is he crazy?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Get out of the way, Rog! Let me drill him! We can make it look like suicide! Get out of the way!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: No! No! No! No! No! The video cameras! The video cameras!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I don't care! I'm still going to drill him! Get out of the way!**_

"Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Either that, or he hasn't had his coffee." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After harassing a jaywalker, Riggs and Murtaugh began to notice something fishy about the two armored car carriers when the real armored car carrier arrives. One of the imposters shoot the real carrier as Riggs goes after them and gets into a scuffle with one of the imposters while Murtaugh follows them with the real carrier, a female driver named Delores, played by Delores Hall, who you might recognize as Nurse Delores Mitchell from** _ **Diagnosis Murder**_ **.**

 _ **Delores (Played by Delores Hall): (During the pursuit) Okay, now this fool picked the wrong time to mess with the wrong woman!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs tosses one of the impersonators out from the back of the armored car, the impersonator gets away, then Riggs makes it to the front of the armored car and fights the second imposter. While Murtaugh….**

 _ **Delores: (Placing her hand on Murtaugh's thigh) Relax, baby. Relax, relax baby.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, keep your hands off my thigh! Keep on the wheel, my partner's in trouble!**_

"What the hell? Dude, no time to be hitting on a sugar momma during a pursuit, plus you're a married man. If Trish finds out, she's gonna give you the John Wayne Bobbit treatment." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs buckles up and forces the armored car to brake, sending the second imposter crashing through the windshield.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Boy, I'm getting too old for this shit.**_

 **I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter #5**

 _ **Delores: Not for me you're not, sugar. (Smiles at Murtaugh)**_

"Hasn't this guy watch those scary PSA's involving seatbelts? He's lucky that he didn't get killed. Idiot!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Riggs punches the second impostor out, knocking him out cold)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Back to bed! Back to bed.**_

 **(A voiceclip from** _ **The Big Comfy Couch**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Loonette (Played by Alyson Court): (V/O) And the clown jump over the moon.**_

"Where did you find that old fossil?" Brian asked Sean.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Riggs visits Murtaugh at his house, where see the Murtaugh family, once again played by Darlene Love, who portrays Murtaugh's wife Trish, Damon Hines who portrays Murtaugh's son Nick and Ebonie Smith who portrays Murtaugh's youngest daughter Carrie. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Traci Wolfe, she portrays Murtaugh's oldest daughter Rianne, who's not at the house but is busy at work. We see them getting ready for the house to be viewed by a potential buyer.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (After seeing Riggs trying to light a cigarette) Hey, I thought you quit.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I did.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You'll stink up the house. You don't need to smoke.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm itching to.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Here. (Hands Riggs a box of dog biscuits to chew on to help him stop smoking) Chew on these.**_

"Really? You're just going to hand your partner a box of dog biscuits for him to eat to help him with his smoking problem? Nicorette gum works better not dog biscuits. I mean, it's not safe for a human to eat pet food. Trust me, I know." Sean said before cutting to the cutaway gag.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean enters the kitchen and sees his girlfriend Taylor about to feed his cat Riley some Blue Buffalo cat food)**

 **Sean: You're about to feed my cat this?**

 **Taylor: Yeah.**

 **(Sean picks up the pouch of wet cat food and opens it as Riley meows at him while he picks up a spoon)**

 **Taylor: Uh, Sean. What are you doing?**

 **Sean: Nothing, dearest. I'm just curious to know how cat food tastes like. We've been feeding this stuff to Riley for years and I don't even know what it tastes like.**

 **Taylor: (Sees Sean taking a spoonful of wet cat food) Sean, don't….**

 **(Sean eats it. His eyes widen in disgust and makes a face as he runs over to the kitchen sink and vomits. The sound of Sean vomiting is heard throughout the city of Cincinnati and Blue Buffalo headquarters in Wilton, Connecticut as one of the company managers notice a disturbance)**

 **Company Manager #1: What is it, Peterson?**

 **Peterson: I'm not sure. I feel a disturbance.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

Brian starts cracking up laughing from the cutaway gag. "Nice, _SpongeBob_ reference, dude."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the real estate agent showing the young couple Murtaugh's house is none other than Leo Getz, once again played by Joe…(Starts laughing)**

"Okay, who's decision was to give Joe Pesci blonde hair in this movie? He looks ridiculous." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, boy. The amount of blonde jokes for this guy. While he's showing the couple the house, Leo starts mentioning about what happened to the house.**

 _ **Leo Getz (Played by Joe Pesci): (While talking about the replaced picture frame in the living room) A drug dealer came through here with his car and crash right in and shot up the whole place.**_

 _ **Young Man (Played by Scott Bryce, credited as Scott M. Bryce): Anything else you want to disclose before we go on?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Okay, okay. Now that you mention it, the bathroom upstairs has been completely remodeled due to unexpected bomb damage.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Son of a bitch!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Don't, don't. You'll never sell the house.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh end up in a position that scares off the buyers and Rog ends up taking his frustrations out on Leo for him mentioning the toilet bomb incident from the second film.**

 _ **Leo Getz: I had to tell them everything. It's the law, okay. I mean, "Full disclosure." You must've heard of it?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I'm a cop! I'm the law!**_

 **(Murtaugh pushes Leo into Riggs)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Ow! (Pushes Leo) Get off me! What is it with you?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: (Throws his binder down on the floor) Hold it! Okay, okay.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: At least he didn't tell them about the nail-gun incident.**_

"Ah, yes. The nail-gun incident that involved two South African hit men trying to kill Murtaugh until he nailed them both." Sean said as a comedic rimshot plays.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before Riggs and Murtaugh leave for work, Murtaugh grabs his gun from his safe and a kiss from Trish…**

 **(Trish slaps Roger in the chest and grabs his bulletproof vest, handing it to him as Riggs watches)**

 _ **Trish Murtaugh (Played by Darlene Love): (Forcing her husband to wear body armor) This. You wear it. You sleep in it. You eat in it. Okay? Six more days.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Did I mention that Murtaugh is retiring from the force?**

 _ **Trish Murtaugh: And you.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah?**_

 _ **Trish Murtaugh: Keep an eye on him.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Sure.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (After Trish leaves) She loves me.**_

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Brian: (While cutting up fish) She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me…**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Riggs and Murtaugh leave the house, they see Nick talking to his best friend Darryl, played by Bobby Wynn, and we learn that Darryl dropped out of high school and became a gang member. He tries to convince Nick to join in, but he sees Murtaugh and him and his crew leave. Meanwhile at a housing development in the desert outside of Los Angeles, we're introduced to an African-American mobster named Tyrone, played by the late Gregory Millar. He meets the foreman of the project, a guy named Jack Travis, played by English actor Stuart Wilson. Who you might recognize him from this movie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III**_ **plays, showing Walker's infamous death scene, showing Walker falling into the water to his death but no splash is shown but an imploding effect)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right. For those of you who remember** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III**_ **, he played the villain Walker in the movie.**

"And let me guess, he plays a villain in this one, right? He also played the villain Don Rafael Montero on _The Mask of Zorro_." Sean said.

 _ **Jack Travis (Played by Stuart Wilson) Hey Smitty, come here. Come here. What's wrong with you? Don't I pay you good? Don't I take care of you?**_

 _ **Smitty (Played by John Cenatiempo): Sure you do.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Travis learns about the armored car heist that Smitty, one of the armored car impersonators pulled with his associate named Billy and mentions that doing something like that would jeopardize their project.**

 **(One of the henchmen, named Hatchett, played by Nick Chinlund, knocks Smitty down and pours concrete over him, drowning him and killing him as Tyrone watches)**

 _ **Jack Travis: Now we've got a relationship we can build on.**_

"Well, that's gratitude for ya." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While heading to work, Riggs and Murtaugh stop by at Rianne's new job, when Riggs notices a scene where it looks like Rianne is being held at gunpoint. Riggs intervenes, only to find out that it's a movie scene that they're shooting.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What are you doing with a rubber gun?**_

"It's a prop gun just like yours. Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, please don't kill me!" Sean cried out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This doesn't bode well for Mr. Spielberg, who gets mad after Riggs ruined the scene and he ends up firing Rianne. By the way, that's director Stephen Kay playing the director in this movie. He's known for directing the Sylvester Stallone movie** _ **Get Carter, Boogeyman**_ **, episodes of** _ **The Shield**_ **,** _ **Sons of Anarchy**_ **and** _ **Covert Affairs**_ **, a show that his wife Piper Perabo starred in for five seasons. Riggs goes to talk to Angry Spielberg but this guy does not know the first rule of Riggs, never get Riggs angry.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (After the director puts his hands on him) Look, on any normal day, I'd smack you right in the mouth.**_

 _ **Movie Director (Played by Stephen Kay, credited as Stephen T. Kay): Oh, is that so?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: It's a normal day.**_

 **(Riggs slaps the director in the face)**

Sean starts chuckling a bit. "Okay, I gotta admit, that was pretty funny. Don't you wish you could slap a movie director in the face? I have my list of directors who I want to slap in the face: like Dominique Othenin-Girard, Joe Chappelle, Joel Schumacher, Rob Zombie, Raja Gosnell, Michael Bay, M. Night Shymalan, Paul W.S. Anderson, John Moore, Roland Emmerich, Uwe Boll. Eli Roth. The list goes on."

"Dude, you want to slap Rob Zombie?" Brian asked.

"He killed off Danielle Harris in _Halloween 2_! He killed off Danielle Harris, that bastard." Sean said softly while cradling a photo of Danielle Harris in his arms.

"Good point. And his take on _H2_ wasn't so great." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs eventually gets Rianne re-hired with a pay raise. While at work, Riggs and Murtaugh head down to the shooting range, where they meet some of their fellow officers and a new police officer named Officer Edwards, played by Jason Rainwater, credited as Jason Meshover-Iorg. Riggs gives a demonstration, where he shows off a new bullet that is now in circulation.**

 **(Riggs fires his pistol at Murtaugh's bulletproof vest)**

 _ **Squad Member #4 (Played by Miguel A. Nunez Jr., credited as Miguel Nunez): Armor-piercing bullets?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, cop killers. Those bullets came from the gun of a suspect we arrested yesterday.**_

"That's right, folks. Armored-piercing bullets that were found on the suspect Riggs and Murtaugh arrested. You know these things are dangerous." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs has Billy Phelps moved to interrogation so him and Murtaugh can question him, that is until Jack Travis arrives at the building to speak with Phelps by showing the cop at the desk the credentials of an LAPD Lieutenant. While arriving to interrogate Phelps, Riggs and Murtaugh go up an elevator with a female detective who's also here to interrogate Phelps.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Who are you?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole (Played by Rene Russo): Fly me. I'm your friendly Portugese airline.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: She's Infernal Affairs, Rog.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meet Lorna Cole, a female detective who is in Internal Affairs. She's played by Rene Russo. It is revealed that Cole and Internal Affairs are taking over the Billy Phelps case. The news about Internal Affairs taking over upsets Riggs and Murtaugh as they all go to speak with Captain Murphy, played by Steve Kahan, to clear things up.**

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy (Played by Steve Kahan): The Phelps case has been transferred to Internal Affairs.**_

 _ **Riggs and Murtaugh: Why?**_

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: I can't tell you.**_

 _ **Herman Walters (Played by Alan Scarfe): That's classified.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs; That's classified? We busted our buns busting this guy. We busted him.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Busted is right. He spent the night in county hospital.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: He forgot to buckle up.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: We even cited him for it.**_

 **(An audience laughs and the words "Executive Producer JEFF FRANKLIN" is shown on the screen)**

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: Look, maybe these guys can contribute something to this case?**_

 _ **Herman Walters: From what I've seen of their records, the only thing they contribute is mayhem and chaos.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, I'm chaos and he's mayhem. We're a double act.**_

"Uh, the only person who's Mayhem around here is me. Murtaugh is the Discount Mayhem. Just like Brett a.k.a. TearofGrace is the real Ranger and OverEnglishMan is the Discount Ranger. So you shut the hell up." Sean said, pointing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Captain Murphy hands Riggs and Murtaugh their badges back, reinstating them to their positions as Sergeants. Meanwhile, Travis enters the interrogation room and confronts Billy Phelps, played by Mark Pellegrino.**

 _ **Jack Travis: (After entering the interrogation room) Hi, Billy.**_

 _ **Billy Phelps (Played by Mark Pellegrino) Jack!**_

 _ **Jack Travis: (Pulls out a silenced pistol) Bye, Billy.**_

 **(Travis shoots Phelps three times, then goes to check his pulse)**

 _ **Jack Travis: See you, Billy.**_

"Wait a minute, where's a cop when you need one? Are the cops in this movie idiots? This guy just killed a man and you didn't even notice this? Anybody gonna answer this question for me?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Cole head down to the interrogation room to speak to Phelps but instead find Phelps dead in his seat. I guess it's time to go to the videotape when they check the video footage from the cameras and Cole reveals that there was camera installed in every interrogation room.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: This is the "police police," Captain.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Ooh. "Police police." That's very good, Riggs. Can you say that three times in a row, real fast?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Why? Am I getting to you? Am I getting to you?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Are you trying to bait me?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'm a master at it.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: That figures.**_

"Hmm. I didn't know that Riggs was a master baiter." Sean starts laughing as an audience boos him at his bad pun. "Get it? Master baiter. See, he's a master at baiting women. That's why he's called a master baiter. Boy, I am on a roll!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) The see the guy who murdered Phelps on camera as Captain Murphy recognizes Travis and reveals that he's an ex-cop gone rogue. Cole then dismisses Riggs and Murtaugh from their involvement with the case since the case hit a dead end. Leo arrives to tell Murtaugh….(Sean starts laughing)**

"I'm sorry! I can't take Joe Pesci seriously with blonde hair. He looks like he could be with Taylor Otto and the Blondetourage from _American Housewife_." Sean said before we cut to a photo of Joe Pesci as Vincent LaGuardia Gambini from _My Cousin Vinny_ but with blonde hair instead of black hair. Added in the photo is a photo of Taylor Otto from the season two episode of _American Housewife_ called _Field Day_ and photos of Londyn, Summit and Zola while the song _Wise Guy_ starts playing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Leo recognizes Jack Travis on the videotape after being introduced to the man for a favor.**

 _ **Leo Getz: Hey, hey. We're back. We're back!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. Yeah.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Hey listen, listen. You think I can get a gun this time?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): (Narrating) No-o-o-o-o!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Leo head down to the Forum where the Los Angeles Kings hockey team is playing to go apprehend Jack Travis by splitting up.**

 **Announcer: Los Angeles penalty. Number 15. Two minutes for high-sticking.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) I just had an idea.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (While using the PA system to call out Travis) Mr. Jack Travis? Mr. Jack Travis, this is the LAPD. We know you're in here. We know where you are. Just stay in your seat. Don't be stupid and I'll be there to collect you and escort you out in a minute. By the way, there's a policeman at every exit, so there's no use trying to run.**_

"Hey, they're going to catch the guy. Looks like it's going to be a short movie after a…" Sean said.

 **(Travis tries to make his escape)**

"Or he can just be like every other fucking idiot and just make their escape." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Leo spots Travis and chases him out on the ice, with Riggs in pursuit. Travis shoots Leo in the arm and Riggs goes after him but ends up losing him.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Son of a bitch!**_

"Okay, note to self: never play hockey with police officers." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our Oscar-Winning performance from Joe Pesci.**

 _ **Leo Getz: He thinks I don't know I'm dying. I know it.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You'll be okay.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: I'm dying, Roger. (Coughs) I'm choking, see? This is what they do when they die, I swear.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Leo, it's going to be okay.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: My whole body's numb! I can't feel it! I'm going to die, I know it!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Leo. Leo.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: What?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You're lying on the ice.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: That's why I'm cold?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: That's why you're cold.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: That's why I'm numb, huh?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: That's why you're numb.**_

"Dude, you'll be fine. You just got shot in the arm. Quit acting like a little girl, ya dumb blonde." Sean said.

"Normally, being shot in the arm isn't funny. But when you're shot in the arm and fall on the ice, then it's hilarious." Brian said, sipping his beer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh take Leo to the hospital for a minor flesh wound on his arm but Riggs recommends that Leo should be admitted for a few days and makes up something about his wound.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Uh, I don't think that's a good idea. You shouldn't rush this, doc. I think you should rest up, Leo. A dum-dum wound can be very serious.**_

 _ **Doctor (Played by Paul Hipp): What's-what's a dum-dum wound?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: A guy on the force got his thumb shot off by a dum-dum. From the shock, he was dead two days later.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Dead two days later?**_

"Doc, you should listen to him. Dum-dum wounds are very deadly. Trust me, I know. I once had experience when I took a dum-dum wound to the head." Sean said before cutting to a photo of his girlfriend Taylor throwing a Dum-Dum sucker at Sean, instantly hitting his head. "The cotton candy-flavored ones are much lethal."

 **(The ending of the Dum-Dums commercial starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to fuck with Leo some more, Riggs plays a prank on Leo by adding "proctology" to Leo's chart.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: You can't do that to Leo.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Sure, we can.**_

"Uh, I think you can get arrested for something like that but I don't blame them for not dealing with the annoying blonde cockatoo." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After dropping Leo off at the hospital, Murtaugh decides to treat Riggs with some hamburgers. So, he takes him to his friend's lunch shack to make his partner some of his monster burgers but while Murtaugh is busy fixing burgers, Riggs spots several gang members in a drug deal and decides to go in on his own to bust them.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (While Riggs is about to bust some drug dealers) A little pepper. And then you massage it a little bit. Just a little bit. (Singing) Sweet, sweet meat.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Uh, your partner is going to bust some drug dealers on his own and is about to get himself killed. I suggest you stop making burgers and go check on…**

 **(One of the gang members in the car shoot at Riggs with an MP5K)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (After hearing the gunshots) Hey, Riggs!**_

"Oh, so now you hear the gunshots! What kind of cop are you? A cop that's busy making burgers while his partner is getting shot at." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The gang members escape but Riggs gets hit in the back of the head with a 2-by-4. Murtaugh checks on his partner, then orders one of the gang members who's hiding in the shack to surrender. The armed gang member fires his Mac-10 at Murtaugh. Murtaugh returns fire by firing shots through the aluminum wall of the shack. The wounded gunman crawls out from out of the shack and dies. And when Murtaugh turns the man over, he takes off his sunglasses and it is revealed to be….**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (After realizing that's his son's friend) Darryl?**_

"Uh-oh." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. The man Murtaugh shot was his son's friend who joined a gang after dropping out of high school. This upsets Roger as he doesn't go home to face his family about what happened and drives away. The next day, Riggs comes across Cole and she gets pissed off at him for interfering with the Internal Affairs investigation and they have a heated argument in the men's restroom.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hey, I don't have to share shit with you. This is school yard rules. If you don't scratch my back, I don't throw you- -**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Oh come on, Riggs. I can't do that. I can't do that even if I want to!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Why don't you cut out with this classified bullshit?! Right now it's giving me the shits! We're cops. You're a cop. I'm a cop. We're both on the same side, right? Right? Right?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Right!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Natalya Simonova (Played by Izabella Scorupco): Both off you, stop it! You're like boys with toys.**_

"Ah, the couples first fight. Please, feel free to join in." Brian said in a bad Russian accent before sipping his beer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lorna learns about the incident with Murtaugh and apologizes to Riggs and the two agree to work with each other and the look up information on the gun that Darryl had.**

 _ **Lorna Cole: Mac-10 9mm semi-automatic converted to an automatic…**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Automatic with 36 rounds in the magazine on a sesame seed bun. Very illegal.**_

"I guess you could call it a Big Mac-10. Hold the special sauce, please." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they look up information on the gun, they learn that the gun was stolen from an LAPD impound lot several months back and the reason why Internal Affairs is on the case is because they have reason to believe that Jack Travis is stealing guns and ammunition from LAPD impound and selling them on the street and the black market.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: That's closer than you ever got.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Close, Riggs? Close is a lingerie shop without a front window.**_

"Uh, what the hell does that mean? I-I don't understand that line. I don't get it." Sean said with a puzzled look on his face. "I bet audiences who saw the line didn't even get the strange line uttered by Rene Russo? By the way, that's the line came from Russo herself. Couldn't you say something like…

 **Sean: (V/O as Lorna Cole) Close, Riggs? Close doesn't count.**

"Or…" Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Lorna Cole) Close, Riggs? Close only counts with horseshoes.**

"But the line she said doesn't make any sense. I mean, make some sense, lady." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Cole investigate an address that the late Billy Phelps called several times and when they enter the building, they encounter…**

 **(Riggs and Cole encounter a Rottweiler while Jerry Goldsmith's** _ **Ave Satani**_ **from** _ **The Omen**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Damien Thorne's pet dog!**

 **(The dog growls at Riggs and Cole)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I don't get it.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: You don't get what? That's a dog, it's a fucking dog.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, no. I don't get it. Close is a lingerie shop without a front window. I don't get that.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Riggs, later.**_

"I still don't know what the fuck that line meant!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Riggs, being the dog lover that he is, decides to distract the dog and give him some dog biscuits that he's been chowing down to calm him from his smoking habit and tames the dog. Riggs goes in and finds a bunch of men loading a truck of stolen weapons. Riggs tries to arrest the men but ends up getting his ass handed to him and questioned by Hatchett, played by Nick Chinlund, who you might recognize him as the voice of Quan Chi from** _ **Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm**_ **, Major Ellis from** _ **Buffy the Vampire Slayer**_ **, Mickey Diamond from** _ **General Hospital**_ **, Bane from** _ **Young Justice**_ **, Bob Morgan from the movie** _ **Mr. Magoo**_ **, a movie so bad that it offended blind people.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You have the right to remain silent.**_

 _ **Hatchett (Played by Nick Chinlund): Shut him up. Sergeant Martin Riggs. So, Sergeant Riggs, how did you find us?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Freeze! Police!**_

 **(Hatchett turns and sees Cole)**

 _ **Hatchett: Oh, another one? We need a new fucking dog.**_

"See? I'm talking in my bad Brooklyn accent." Sean said, imitating the character Hatchett.

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of the henchmen points his gun at Lorna, ordering her to drop her gun and what she does next surprises Riggs.**

 **(Lorna gets into a fight with the henchman and a few others with Riggs fighting Hatchett and another henchman)**

"She's a killer martial artist." Taylor said as she cuts in on Sean's review.

"Hey!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After fighting a few of the henchman and Hatchett, Riggs and Lorna steal the truck that has some boxes of weapons and Riggs takes the dog with them as they make their escape. Later, we learn that Tyrone is the intended buy of the guns Riggs and Cole recovered and Travis convinces Tyrone to give him another chance and to get his guns and more ammo. Back at Cole's place, where Lorna patches up his wounds and they end up comparing old battle scars.**

 **(While showing and comparing battle scars)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: That's a .38? This is a .38. That's kind of a whimpy .38. Now, this is a .38. (He takes off his shirt and shows Lorna the bullet wounds on his back) A whole family of .44s. On the back.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Some crazy South African diplomat shot me four times in the back and tries to declare diplomatic immunity.**

 _ **Lorna Cole: (Lifts her shirt up and shows him her battle scars) Pump Action, 12 gauge.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: That must've hurt. Not too close.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Riggs, if you were that close, I'd be dead.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I can beat that I can beat it. Look. (He unbuckles his belt)**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: I'll take your word for it.**_

"Dude, refrain from showing audiences your lethal weapon. Please, I don't want to see your bare ass again." Sean said as he covered his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Things start to heat up when Riggs kisses Lorna and the two of them end up making love. Looks like Riggs is going to show her his smoking gun.**

 **(A comedic rimshot is heard)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Rianne arrives at Riggs' beach front mobile home, where his new Rottweiler and Sam were busy watching The Three Stooges on television. She tells Riggs that her father hasn't come home and she's worried about him. Later that night, Riggs heads out to the marina, where he finds a drunk Murtaugh. The death of Darryl has driven Murtaugh to drink and Riggs tries to snap him out of his funk and I have to say that this is a powerful scene. We see that Murtaugh feels guilty for killing his son's friend and Riggs tries to snap him out of it.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You had no choice.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: It didn't happen to you, Riggs. It happened to me. It happened to me! Look, I—I killed that kid. I killed that boy. Oh, yeah, you killed a lot of people. You killed a sucking lot of people. You ever kill a baby?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You selfish bastard! You selfish bastard! You're just thinking about yourself, god damn it! What about me, huh? We're partners. We are partners. What happens to you, happens to me. After all the shit we've been through, don't you get it?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I don't care. I don't care.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yes, you do.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I don't care!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yes, you do!**_

 **(Murtaugh tries to punch Riggs, but Riggs stops him and hugs him, with Murtaugh crying)**

 **Sean: And after this emotional moment, Riggs tells Murtaugh his own problem.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Well… I think… maybe I slept with someone that I probably shouldn't have.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: (Thinking that Riggs slept with his daughter) You son of a bitch!**_

 **(Murtaugh punches Riggs off the boat)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What'd you hit me for?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I hit you because you slept with Rianne.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I did not.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yes, you did. Who did you sleep with then?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I slept with Sergeant Cole.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Sergeant Cole from traffic?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, not Sergeant Cole from traffic. Lorna. Sergeant Cole from traffic's her uncle.**_

"Wait, what?" Brian asked with a confused look on his face.

"Did Lorna mention that she has an uncle who worked in traffic? Maybe she must've mentioned it to Riggs while they were making love." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Riggs, Murtaugh, Cole and the Murtaugh family attend Darryl's funeral and Murtaugh goes to Darryl's parents and express his condolences to them.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Mrs. Smithers, ma'am? I—I—I just don't know - -**_

 **(Darryl's mother, played by Sylvia Webb White, slaps Murtaugh in the face)**

 _ **Darryl's Father (Played by Danny 'Big Black' Rey, credited as Danny Big Black): You want to do something, Sergeant Murtaugh? You find the man that put the gun in my son's hand.**_

"Hey, I don't blame the man. I would want justice too if my son died." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Cole begin a series of raids to trace the path of Darryl's gun, starting with one of Darryl's gang buddies and Murtaugh interrogates him in his own very…**

 **(Murtaugh grabs the gang member by the throat and points the Mac-10 at his head)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Where did this gun come from, motherfucker? Huh?**_

 _ **Gang Member: Fuck you!**_

"Jesus!" Sean yelled out. "I guess you could call him the black Jack Bauer."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The gang member that Murtaugh interrogated leads them to Tyrone and they end up…**

 **(As they threaten to run over Tyrone's head with the car)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Do you see that fucking car? I want a name, asshole! I want a name! I want a name now!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: One!**_

 _ **Tyrone: Are you crazy?!**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Ready?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: I want a name, Tyrone.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I'd watch your hands, Cochise. That tire would rip them right off. Two!**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: I'm getting excited. Very excited.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Your face is going to be a skidmark!**_

 _ **Tyrone: It's Jack Travis!**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: That's what I wanted, baby.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Daredevils**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Nick DiPaolo: Did you just call me baby? How about I bite you with my knarled up fang?**_

"Jesus Christ, movie! Is that how police officers actually interrogate suspects for answers?! I mean, this interrogation is like The Sopranos-type interrogation." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Cole head down to the garage and interrogate one of Travis' associates named Hubie, he's played by stuntman/actor Pete Antico.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hiya, Hubie! Hey, we're looking for a friend of yours named Travis.**_

 _ **Hubie (Played by Pete Antico): Yeah, well I've never heard of him.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Never heard…(Makes a buzzing noise while slapping his face) Wrong answer! Wrong answer!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, right when they're about to question Hubie about Travis, one of the goons walk in and spot them.**

 _ **Henchman #3 (Played by Paul Tuerpe): Hey! What the hell's going on here?**_

 **Henchman With Glasses Counter:**

 **#3. Henchman #3**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And it's about time for Lorna to show off her impressive martial arts, this time with Murtaugh getting a front row seat.**

 _ **Lorna Cole: Do any of you know a Mr. Travis?**_

 _ **Henchman #3: Do you got a warrant?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: No, I don't have any more but I can get one.**_

 _ **Henchman #3: Well until you do fuck off.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Now that's not a nice thing to say to a lady.**_

 _ **Henchman #3: Fuck you.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: I don't think so.**_

 **(Lorna grabs the henchman with glasses and headbutts him, then she roundhouse kicks another henchman into the trunk of a car)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Backspin kick. Are you okay, honey?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Just great.**_

"Wait, I have the appropriate music for it." Sean said as he picks up his phone and starts playing Guile's Theme from Street Fighter 2 throughout the whole scene.

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, there's five of them, man!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: I know.**_

 **(One of the henchman tries to punch Lorna in the face, but misses as Lorna grabs him by the crotch, making him scream in pain)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Grabbed his clusters! (Winces)**_

 **(As the fight continues, Murtaugh joins in as one of the henchmen grabs Lorna. Murtaugh knocks the henchman out by hitting him in the back of his head as Riggs applauds)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: My girl. (Laughs)**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: This PMS…is murder.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been married 25 years.**_

"The chair! Give him the chair!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at station, Captain Murphy is busy talking to Herman Walters, after having a conversation he comes across a guy bent down on the vehicle next to Murphy's**

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: Hey buddy, are you all right?**_

 **(Travis pulls out his gun and points it at Murphy)**

 _ **Jack Travis: Two fingers, Murph.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Travis kidnaps Murphy as they head down to LAPD's storage facility to get more guns for him to sell on the streets and the black market by using Murphy's clearance to get into the facility. Meanwhile, Riggs, Murtaugh and Cole do more research when they learn that the criminals in the garage were ex-cons and they were all busted by Travis and that they were employed by Mesa Verde Construction, Travis' cover operation. Then, Blondie returns from the hospital and he's not too happy about hospitals when he goes into another rant about it.**

 _ **Leo Getz: Well, you know what I say?**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: They fuck you in the hospital. First they drug you, then they fuck you! And when they're done fucking you, a loan company and insurance company and fucks you some more! $10 for a fucking aspirin and it isn't even covered!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Katie Otto: (Starts singing to calm herself down) Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. But now they know.**_

 _ **Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): What are you doing? We spent three years getting that song out of this house.**_

 _ **Katie Otto: It's spilling out. (Sings) Let it go. Let it go.**_

 _ **Greg Otto: Oh, dear Lord.**_

 _ **Katie Otto: (Sings) Can't hold it back anymore.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh ask Leo to check out Mesa Verde Construction to find out all of the information that he can get. Then, Lorna discovers the files on the same equipment that had been accessed and deleted, so they hurry to the scene with newbie Officer Edwards tagging along. Travis attempts to escape through the subway while Riggs, Murtaugh, Cole and Edwards discover that the guns are missing and trace them down to the subway and a gunfight ensues.**

 **(A gunfight ensues as Hatchett attempts to kill Murphy, but fails when Murphy pushes him into the electric circuit of the subway train tracks rail, electrocuting him)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Goldfinger**_ **starts playing)**

 **** _ **James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking. Positively shocking.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the shootout, Travis tries to make his escape. He sees Officer Edwards taking cover behind and shoots him.**

 **(Travis, armed with a Smith & Wesson Model 29 revolver that's loaded with armor-piercing bullets, opens fires and shoots and kills Edwards)**

"Damn, he was only 22 and today was his birthday." Sean said as a saxaphone riff starts playing in the background.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs goes after Travis on foot and once on the surface, he commandeers an LAPD motorcycle to pursue after the truck while Murtaugh catches up with him. During the chase, Riggs chases Travis on the wrong way of the freeway that's under construction. Travis shoots at Riggs, but Riggs ends up flying off an unfinished ramp and holds onto dear life.**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: R-Riggs! Hey, hey! Just relax. Relax, Riggs.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Relax?**_

 **(The cables give away)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Riggs! Riggs!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: (While falling) Oh, shit!**_

 **(Riggs falls through several platforms)**

"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out in slow motion.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs survives his fall but dislocates his shoulder before putting it back in and he is angered about Travis getting away from him. But hey, at least Leo Getz the ditzy blonde shows up on the scene to give them information on Mesa Verde Construction.**

 _ **Leo Getz: Mesa Verde's legit. They got a housing project out in the desert. It's called Rancho Royale.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Yeah, I know where that is.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Let's check it out. Let's check it out. I'll come with you guys.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, you're not coming with us.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Yes, I am. Fine, then I'll take my care then.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: No, you're not.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Yes, I am.**_

 **(Riggs shoots Leo's front tire)**

 _ **Leo Getz: I can't believe you did that! I got a spare in the trunk. I'll fix you!**_

 **(Murtaugh shoots Leo's rear tire)**

 _ **Leo Getz: How could you do that? I can't believe you did that.**_

"Oookay, he's gone from funny to annoying in no time flat." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film comes to a thrilling climax when Riggs and Murtaugh head to Rancho Royale, where they're joined by Lorna. They use Captain Murphy's car as a distraction then they make their attack on the count of three. An intense shootout breaks out as Riggs, Murtaugh and Cole take out Travis' men. Riggs gets to a truck with a hose and drives the truck through the houses. Murtaugh ignites the gasoline, setting the housing development in flames and blowing up the ammo.**

"Okay, we have seen Lorna take care of herself in this movie. We've seen her using martial arts on a couple of bad guys and shoot at a few of them. She's gonna make it out ok…." Sean said before he gets interrupted.

 _ **Jack Travis: (Shoots Lorna) Come on in, bitch!**_

 **(Lorna screams as Travis shoots her)**

 _ **Jack Travis: Door's open! (Continues to shoot at Cole)**_

"Son of a bitch! She gets herself killed! Go figure!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Riggs goes after Travis, Murtaugh fights through some of Travis' men, then finds some armor-piercing bullets and loads up Darryl's gun with them. During the fight, Travis gets in a mini-digger and tries to kill Riggs with it.**

 _ **Jack Travis: Killed in the line of duty, Riggs!**_

 **(Riggs picks up his gun and shoots at the plow of the digger, but the bullets doesn't affect it)**

 _ **Jack Travis: You like a funeral from the department, Riggs?**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Okay, I'm getting sick of this guy can somebody give Riggs a gun so Travis could get a taste of his own medicine?**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, cop killers!**_

 **(Murtaugh tosses Darryl's gun to Riggs. Riggs shoots through the plow of the digger, shooting Travis in the process)**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Ex-cop killer.**_

 **(The words Thug Life is shown and N.W.A.'s** _ **Fuck Tha Police**_ **starts playing in the background)**

 _ **Jack Travis: (His last words) Go to Hell, Riggs.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: You first.**_

 **(Riggs lifts Travis' foot off of the brake lever of the digger, allowing it to go further into the burning housing development, taking Travis out in the process)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs checks on Lorna and finds that she wore two bulletproof vests but she's badly injured. And as the ambulance arrives, Riggs goes with her as she is being medivac'ed by helicopter and he makes this speech to her.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: What are you trying to prove out there, huh? Huh? Why do you do that? You're supposed to grow old with someone, not because of them, all right? I'm going to be with you, Lorna. Hey, I'm with you now. Look, I'm right here. We're both here, right? Right. Come on, I want to be with you. What have you got to lose?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: You.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Not likely.**_

 **(He kisses Lorna)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Riggs declares his love for her.**

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Can you hear me? I love you.**_

"Awww, how sweet. At least she lived unlike the other two in the last two films." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, let's wrap this review up. Murtaugh's final day of work arrives and he breaks the news to his family that he's decided not to retire, then the blonde midget enters the house to tell him some news about the house.**

 _ **Leo Getz: I have sold this turkey. This termite-infested dump is now gone, okay?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Leo, the house is off the market. We're gonna stay in this termite-infested turkey for another 10 years.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Because we're partner, no commission, okay?**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Partners?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: You and Riggs, you owe me two tires. Two new tires I want.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Why?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Why? Because bullets aren't covered in normal road hazard.**_

"Oh, my God! He's starting to annoy me. Can we please just finish this review? He's giving me a headache." Sean groaned while rubbing his temples.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie ends with Murtaugh seeing Riggs arrive and saying goodbye to Rianne with a kiss as she heads off for work. Riggs starts smoking again. Murtaugh tells Riggs to stay away from Rianne after he saw Rianne kiss Riggs and Riggs tells him that it was a friendship kiss and that he's spoken for and tells Murtaugh that things are serious between him and Lorna. And they all live happily ever after….**

"OR DO THEY?!" Sean asked.

 **(We cut to the post-credits scene as Riggs and Murtaugh arrive at the scene of another bomb threat. As Riggs gets out of the car, the building explodes)**

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: They're never going to believe this!**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Hope nobody saw us.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: They're going to blame me.**_

 _ **Sgt. Martin Riggs: Let's keep cool. Oh, I think you better get your girdle out of mothballs, Rog.**_

 _ **Sgt. Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, they'll say we're back in uniform again. 10 more years of this. 10 more years of this.**_

 _ **Riggs and Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit.**_

 **I'm Too Old For This Shit Counter: #7**

 **(Since Riggs and Murtaugh both said it at the end, I'm counting this.)**

"And that was _Lethal Weapon 3_ , my friends. And um, I honest think it's not that bad. Despite mixed to positive reviews, the film was a box-office success. I mean, it's not as good as the first two films but it still holds up. Although I enjoyed the characters and the acting, I do have some problems with Leo Getz and Jack Travis. Originally, Leo wasn't supposed to appear in the third movie. But they added him in and even though the character was funny in the last film, he tends to be annoying in this one. Plus, I didn't care for the villain Jack Travis, he isn't that convincing a villain. I find Mr. Joshua and Arjen Rudd more convincing and menacing. And there is one thing that I should mention here and I would just like to say kudos to the late Carrie Fisher, who was an uncredited script doctor for the movie, she reworked Rene Russo's character and dialogue. Despite all of the movie's issues, is it the worst out of the series? I don't think so. That's why I'm giving _Lethal Weapon 3_ , four badges out of five. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when we finish up _Lethal Weapon Month_ with _Lethal Weapon 4_ and…" Sean said as he began to hear a loud sound, looking around to see where the noise is coming from, then looks up before looking at the camera. "Excuse me!"

Sean moves from out of his seat and screams as the number four lands in his seat.

"Holy Toledo! These fours are getting deadlier every year!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Close is a lingerie shop without a front window.**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Lethal Weapon 3**_ **. I hope that you liked this review and some of the gags in it. Next time,** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **ends with a bang when Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the grand finale of the series,** _ **Lethal Weapon 4**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if there's any movie or TV show that you want me to review, feel free to PM. I'll see you guys next time for the finale of** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	14. Lethal Weapon Month Part 4: LW4

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, he finishes up** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **when he takes a look at the final film in the** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **franchise,** _ **Lethal Weapon 4**_ **. What will he think of it? Will this series end with a bang? We'll find out today in the finale of** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I don't own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting behind his desk in his office drinking some black tea from out of his Kylo Ren coffee mug. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing how we are nearing the end of _Lethal Weapon Month_.

The _Lethal Weapon Month_ intro starts playing before Sean introduces the movie.

"And today we're going to be talking about _Lethal Weapon 4_." Sean said as the main title of the film is shown along with clips from the movie. "The final and by God the very last film in the _Lethal Weapon_ series, this one was considered to the worst in the series, from what I've heard from people. We have some returning character from the films along with some fresh new faces. Hell, even the tagline on the poster says "The Gang's All Here.". I can see why because everyone wanted to in the poster since they want the poster look like a poster for _Star Wars_. Mind you, this movie was released in 1998 and back in 1997 Warner Bros. were having some problems with films like _Steel_ , _The Avengers_ (not the Marvel one), _Father's Day_ and _Batman & Robin_. It'll be a cold day in Hell if I review that movie. But hey, this movie was released a year after another Richard Donner movie called _Conspiracy Theory_ and it starred Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts and I thought it was a good movie. This one, however. Well, let me try not to lose my shit over the film's problems even though I still find it to be awesome. Well, let's see if Richard Donner ends this series with a bang, this is _Lethal Weapon 4_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens with the Warner Bros. logo being engulfed in flames as we get our main title only opening. We find our heroes sergeants Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, as they come across…**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh (Played by Danny Glover): Holy shit! What the… What the hell is that?**_

 **(Riggs and Murtaugh see a lunatic wearing a flame-retardant armored suit and wielding an Olympic Arms OA-93 AR-15 pistol converted to full-auto and a flamethrower destroying a shop)**

"What the? The love child of Iron Man and the Human Torch." Sean said as he made a face.

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Who's this joker?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs (Played by Mel Gibson): I don't know. A spokesman for the NRA, maybe. I don't know.**_

"And cue the insanity." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs comes up with a plan to take out the 'human tank' by running him over without the armored gunman spotting them.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Come on, will him with me, Rog.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Will him?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Don't turn around.**_

"He's gonna spot you." Sean said.

 _ **Martin Riggs: Don't turn around.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn around! Don't turn around!**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Believe it!**_

"He's gonna spot you." Sean said.

 _ **Martin Riggs; We're better than him!**_

 _ **Roger: Murtaugh: Don't turn around! Don't turn!**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: We're better than him!**_

"He's gonna fucking spot you!" Sean yelled out.

 **(The alert sound effect from** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **plays as the armored gunman spots Riggs and Murtaugh)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: He's turning.**_

 **(Riggs and Murtaugh duck for cover)**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Ah, shit!**_

 **(The armored gunman starts shooting at Riggs and Murtaugh)**

"Told ya." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs starts shooting at the flaming gunman….God, that sounds like a show from Brad Loekle. And we see that bullets aren't affecting him. While they're getting shot at Murtaugh informs his crazy partner some news about Lorna.**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant. You're gonna be a father!**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: No, get going. Get….what did you say?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna be a father!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, turns out that Riggs knocked up Lorna and he's going to be a father. And since they're about to get killed by the 'human tank', Riggs has some news about Murtaugh's daughter Rianne.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Rianne's pregnant. You're gonna be a grandfather.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Rianne's what?!**_

"Rianne's sleeping with the Nostalgia Critic. What do you think?!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After informing each other on Lorna and Rianne's pregnancies, Riggs comes up with the perfect plan to take out the flaming gunman.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Take your clothes off.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: What the hell for?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: What for?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Ok. You run. Flame-O here turns, sees you in your undies. It distracts him… I'd know it distracts me. And that's when I shoot.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Shoot what?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: The valve of that napalm tank.**_

"Napalm? Riggs may not be suicidal anymore but he's just as crazy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh strips out of his clothes, leaving himself in only his red undies with hearts on it and starts flapping his arms and clucking like a chicken, giving Riggs the opportunity to shoot at the gunman's napalm tank.**

 **(Riggs shoots the valve off the napalm tank, sending the gunman flying straight into a gas truck as Riggs and Murtaugh start running. The gunman blows up along with the truck, blowing up a 76 gas station. Riggs and Murtaugh run as the tanker lands on top of their car and explodes)**

"Whoa! What happened? Did Michael Bay kick Richard Donner out of the director's chair and took over for him?" Sean asked as he starts laughing a bit.

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you think that bird thing helped, man?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: No, no. I just wanted to see if you'd do it.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, I did… I did…**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: (Laughs) Ha ha! Cute shorts.**_

 **(Riggs keeps laughing)**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey. Go spit, Riggs!**_

"Wow, that was bit of a dick move, Riggs. You just embarrassed your partner." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to almost nine months later, where we see Riggs and Murtaugh doing some fishing with…**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey, that shark damages my new boat, I'm taking it out on you, Leo.**_

 _ **Leo Getz (Played by Joe Pesci): Hey, I didn't mean to catch it, ok?**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, God.**

 _ **Leo Getz: Hee hee hee! Oh, stop it! You guys got me in stitches. (Laugh)**_

"God, I hope you don't annoy me as much like in the third movie." Sean said. "See that's the problem with Leo in the sequels, he tends to be annoying as hell!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh have a moment together as Murtaugh discusses Riggs' future with Lorna.**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: You're having a baby… you're living together….**_

 **Martin Riggs: Yeah.**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: You're not getting married.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: You know, when I was married, I… it was good. You know…. Put the ring on, you make the commitment. You… do all the… but…she's dead 'cause I'm a cop. She's dead 'cause I'm a cop. I mean, I don't wear the ring anymore…but you know, I look down, it's still there. I still feel it, and…I don't know. It's like I'm not…finished with it yet and I- -I don't know how to explain that. Does that sound like a bunch of bullshit to you?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: No, no. It's not finished. It's not finished. Yeah.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then this moment is ruined by…**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Do we want Leo to shoot the shark?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Do we want Leo to shoot the…hey, no! Hey! No, Leo!**_

 _ **Leo: What?**_

 **(Murtaugh grabs the gun from out of Leo's hand)**

 _ **Leo Getz: Hey! Hey!**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: This is some piece of hardware.**_

"Okay, who gave Joe Pesci a gun?" Sean asked.

 _ **Leo Getz: I'm a P.I. Now.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: A P-what?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: P.I. A gumshoe! You know? You get in ugly situations. I got guns, everything.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you are an ugly situation.**_

"Okay, in the second film Leo was an accountant in the Witness Protection Program. In the third film, he was a real estate agent. And in this one he's a private investigator. How did he become a private investigator six years after the third one?" Sean asked.

"Dude, why do you keep switching jobs?" Brian asked, sipping his tea.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They come across a ship that was captured by Chinese smugglers. Riggs hops aboard the ship and takes out the shooter, then engages in hand-to-hand combat with the captain of the ship, but ends up getting a beatdown from the guy and he escapes. Riggs, then finds a cargo hold of slave labor inside. We then cut to a Chinese restaurant, where we see a meeting between crime lord Uncle Benny Chan, played by the late Kim Chan, and an immigration consultant, played by Jack Kehler, regarding the importation of Chinese immigrants from China. Uncle Benny learns from his assistant that the ship has been impounded, which leaves him displeased. And then we're introduced to the main villain of the movie…**

"Wait, I always wanted to do this." Sean said, clearing his throat and picks up a microphone from off of his desk and began to speak in his announcer voice. "Making his debut in his first American feature. He's a retired Wushu champion born in Beijing, China and his first and only role as a villain. Ladies and gentlemen, playing Wah Sing Ku is Jet Li!"

A crowd cheers and music starts playing as we see Jet Li as the villainous Wah Sing Ku.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Next we cut to Riggs and Murtaugh talking to an INS Agent about the slave laborers that were being smuggled in and then we're also introduced to another character in the movie Detective Lee Butters, he's played by….**

 _ **Detective Lee Butters (Played by Chris Rock): Hey, Sergeant Riggs, Sergeant Murtaugh. What are you guys doing here?**_

"Chris Rock? Really? Chris Rock is in a _Lethal Weapon_ movie? Don't get me wrong, I like Chris Rock but him in a _Lethal Weapon_ movie playing a cop. Uh, this is the same guy who did a stand-up bit involving the Tossed Salad Guy." Sean said as a clip from Chris Rock's stand-up special starts playing.

 **(A clip from** _ **Chris Rock: Bring the Pain**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Chris Rock: Well, the first thing I'd do is make 'em toss my salad.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we see Detective Butters getting upset over a dead body.**

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Ah, shit! He's dead, man. He's fucking dead, man. Shit!**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: What?**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right? What was he in the killing section? This guy's been shot 4 times!**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Well, yeah.**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: At close range, like he was executed.**_

"Well, no shit! He was executed." Sean said.

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: He was executed.**_

"I just said that, old man." Sean glared at the camera.

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: What the fuck, man! We got people getting killed left, right and center in this town. Now we're importing victims? Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other, no problem. You and me… one of us gets shot… hey, occupational hazard. But just a normal guy? This fucking guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody? That ain't right.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: All right. Easy, Biscuits.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Yeah. You'll get an ulcer like this. You gotta settle down here.**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Blanket!  
**_

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey! Calm…down!**_

"Yeah. Something's very wrong here if a wannabe immigrant is shot like that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh head home. Murtaugh is sad over the loss of his boat and he comes across a dinghy with an entire Chinese family hiding from US immigration. Riggs heads home and finds his pregnant girlfriend Lorna, once again played by Rene Russo, cooking up some breakfast and the two have a discussion about marriage.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: You know, Lorna, we never, ever talked about marriage.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole (Played by Rene Russo): Well, I sort of figured you didn't want that. You wanna get married?**_

"Say yes. Just say the three letter word. Just say it. Say it!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Martin Riggs: Well, no, I—no.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Me neither. You want some breakfast?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Uh, yeah, yeah.**_

"What the fuck?! Come on!" Sean yelled. "She's pregnant and you two were discussing about marriage. She asked you if you want to get married but then you say no let have some breakfast. You splooge drinker!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After breakfast, Riggs and Lorna take a lovely stroll on the beach with their dogs and she tells Riggs that somebody from Internal Affairs said that Murtaugh is on the take. And Riggs doesn't believe that. And that's when her pregnancy hormones start kicking in.**

 _ **Lorna Cole: I'll tell you what it is! This pregnancy's destroying my brain cells! I can't believe I said that!**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: What? What? I'm drooling. What?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Ok, promise me. Swear to me that you will never say a word about this, ever.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: I swear. I swear. I won't ever. I promise. What?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Sergeant Lee Butters.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yep. The father of Rianne's baby is Lee Butters. The guy that's been kissing up to Murtaugh. Plus, Butters is married to Rianne. He's gonna be a dead son-in-law. Riggs and Lorna arrive at Murtaugh's house and Riggs notices something unusual.**

 **(Riggs notices a little Chinese boy sticking his head out of the door)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: That smells like Chinese food, doesn't it, honey?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: Food?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: There's a Chinese person in the kitchen.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: I saw him.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. I mean, a couple of Chinese people. Actually, a whole family.**_

 **(Riggs and Lorna enter the kitchen and see a Chinese family in the kitchen)**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: A large family.**_

"Smuggling? This is what the film is about, folks. Immigrant smuggling. Isn't it thrilling enough for the film?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh introduces Riggs and Lorna to the Chinese family. They've already met the adorable little boy named Ping, played by Steven Lam, and this is his grandfather named Hong, the head of the family. He's played by Eddy Ko.**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Hong, this is my partner Martin Riggs, and this is Lorna.**_

 _ **Hong (Played by Eddy Ko): Wife?**_

 _ **Riggs, Murtaugh and Lorna: No.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Riggs questions his partner's actions.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Are you out of your mind? This is illegal. This is- -as in, against the law. You have any idea the shit storm you're bringin' down on yourself?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: The way I see it, those are slave ships out there, and I'm freein' slaves. I'm freein' slaves, like no one did for my ancestors, ok?**_

"Illegal is right, but so is slavery. Plus, you do know that they're Chinese not black, right? Okay, that was a tad bit racist. Ignore that last part." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough about smuggling immigrants and freeing slaves, let's see what's going on with the Murtaugh family. We see that Murtaugh's two children Nick and Carrie, played by Damon Hines and Ebonie Smith are in college. His wife Trish, played by Darlene Love, is sill a stay-at-home mom. Seriously, what is Trish's job? Maybe housewife is an occupation. And we see that his oldest daughter Rianne, played by Traci Wolfe, is also pregnant is well. We then cut to the Los Angeles Police Department, where Captain Murphy, once again played by Richard Donner's cousin Steve Kahan, talk to Riggs and Murtaugh about their destructive actions as sergeants.**

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy (Played by Steve Kahan): The department has lost it's insurance carrier. All the damage you've done, they can't get a new one while you two guys are still runnin' around on the streets.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: I think that's a bit…**_

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: They can't fire ya, either, so they're promoting you.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Lieutenant.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey!**_

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: There's no open lieutenant spots, so the chief is using his special privilege, and he's making you captains.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: No.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Better. Captain.**_

 _ **Captain Ed Murphy: You think you can stay off the streets and out of trouble, somethin' simple?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Absolutely.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Captain Riggs.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Captain Murtaugh.**_

 **(They both start laughing)**

"Wait a minute? He can do that? After all the damage they have caused, he's promoting them to captain? Can you imagine somebody doing something like that?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Captain: McBain, all the damage you have caused while trying to bring down Mendoza has been causing some issues with the department's insurance carrier, so I have no choice to promote you.**

 **Sean: (as Detective McBain) Promote me? Let me guess, you're promoting me to lieutenant?**

 **Captain: No, the chief's promoting you to captain.**

 **Sean: Captain? I like that better. Captain McBain. It has a nice touch.**

 **Captain: You think you can stay off of the streets and not cause any trouble.**

 **Sean: Don't worry, captain. I'm not going to be causing any damage.**

 **(Sean throws his cigarette out of the window and blows up somebody's car)**

 **Man: (Screams)**

 **Man #2: My leg!**

 **Sean: Oops. My bad.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Detective #1: Captains Outrageous.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Whoo! Travels fast.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.**_

 _ **Detective #2 (Played by Benjamin King): You get a nice break from real police work.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Wait a minute, go back!**

 **(The footage rewinds back as Sean notices the detective)**

 _ **Detective #2: You get a nice break from real police work. Some golf, some tennis.**_

"Okay, did I just see Benjamin King from Liv & Maddie in a Lethal Weapon movie playing a detective?" Sean asked. "Holy cow, I did not know that Pete Rooney was a detective before he moved to Wisconsin to become a basketball coach and marry Karen Rooney."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And since they're captains now, it's time for Riggs to drive the police psychologist, played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor insane when he talks to her about marriage.**

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor): (Laughs) Marriage! The "M" word?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Quiet down, doc. Does confidentiality mean anything to you?**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods: That's funny! You know what would happen?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: What?**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods: We'd go into my office, and you know what you'd end up telling me? You'd tell me something like, "Doc, I want to marry, uh, Murtaugh, or- -or your mother, maybe, or- - how about Nelson Mandela?" There's one. You know, something to ridicule me, Riggs. Something to get a rise out of me. Listen carefully. I'm not stupid! And my time is reserved for police officers with real needs! And real problems! Have you got that? (Shouting) Have you?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Care to run it by me again?**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods: No! And you know what? I don't like you.**_

 **(Dr. Woods walks away)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Stephanie?**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods: (Turns around) "Steph.."**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship… I'm very happy, All right? I think you need to see someone. Look, you'll find someone someday who'll care for you and love you and- - not in this department, but you have to stop…**_

 _ **Dr. Stephanie Woods: You're disgusting! You're disgusting! What's the matter with you people?**_

"Well, that went well. I think that lady needs to go see a psychiatrist because she's losing her mind." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Butters head down to the Chinese restaurant to question Uncle Benny, until they realize that Dickless Tracy was tailing them.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: You lookin' for us, Leo?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: You saw me, huh?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: What you doing, Leo?**_

 _ **Leo Getz: You know, I've been perfecting my tailing technique now that I'm a P.I. and all.**_

"Dude, your tailing technique needs some work. You need to drive something different, you're driving a GMC truck. That's not a good vehicle to drive in while you're tailing somebody." Sean said.

 _ **Leo Getz: (Notices Butters sitting in the back of Riggs and Murtaugh's car) Hey, uh. Hey Riggs, who's the, uh, perp? What'd you bust him for?**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Oh, I'm a perp? Oh, you see a brother sitting in the back of a police car automatically I'm a perp? Look at my suit, look at my tie. What do I look like the fuckin' Crips accountant? (Pulls out his badge and gun) Look at this badge, bitch. Check out the gun.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Whoa, hey hey hey, put the gun down, put the gun down.**_

"Here's a tip, when you're a P.I., don't assume that everyone's a perp." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O) Okay, even though this film has some problems, I just love the banter between Butters and Leo on this scene. I thought it was pretty hilarious. Hell, even Mel Gibson thought it was hilarious.**

 _ **Leo Getz: You're so damn touchy! These guys will tell you. We work together. We got a history together. And don't…maybe we'll work together someday. I'm the bomb! They'll tell you. I'm great.**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Yeah, yeah, we're going to work together. Soon as I open up a cereal shop, you fucking leprechaun!**_

"Don't make me send you to the Tossed Salad Man in prison!" Sean said as he imitates Chris Rock.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs, Murtaugh and Butters arrive in Chinatown and they head to Uncle Benny's restaurant and they question him about the Chinese slaves being smuggled in.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Flied lice?**_

 _ **Uncle Benny Chan (Played by the late Kim Chan): Flied lice? It is fried rice you plick!**_

 **Henchman With Glasses: #4. Uncle Benny Chan**

"Wow, like that's a tad bit racist." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then, they meet their silent arch-nemesis and Riggs ends up insulting him.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: (While insulting Wah Sing Ku) Oh, yeah? Well, then he doesn't understand words like scumbag, eat shit. Oh, I think he understands good. Oh…(Whistles)**_

 _ **Roger**_ **Murtaugh: Riggs.**

 **Martin Riggs: Enter the drag queen, huh?**

"Well, you've made him mad. And you know what's funny? In this movie, Mel Gibson plays the hero and Jet Li plays the villain. And in The Expendables 3, Jet Li plays the hero and Mel Gibson plays the villain in the movie." Sean said.

 _ **Uncle Benny Chan: (Sees Riggs walking over to the two-way mirror) But the door is this way.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Ah, this is quicker.**_

 _ **Uncle Benny Chan: Oh, no, no.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: No, this is quicker, really.**_

 **(Riggs breaks the transparent glass with his gun)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: See? Quicker. Ha ha!**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Don't forget my 10% policeman's discount.**_

 _ **Wah Sing Ku (Played by Jet Li): In Hong Kong, you would be dead.**_

The sound of a man's bloodcurdling scream is heard when Sean looked over to his right. "Wow, these seven deadly words can cause somebody to drop dead."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After abusing their power as captains and causing some more damage to Uncle Benny's restaurant by pulling the fire alarm and setting the sprinkler systems off, Riggs recognizes the captain from the ship that was smuggling Chinese immigrants and a chase through Chinatown ensues with Riggs pursuing the Chinese captain on foot, Butters chasing his friend and Murtaugh following Riggs while riding a bike? Seriously, who rides a bike during a police chase? Anyway, Butters apprehends the guy he was chasing while Riggs chases the Chinese captain on the rooftops.**

 **(The Chinese captain runs and jumps onto another roof with Riggs behind him)**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs, Don't jump! You're going to be a father! Don't jump, damn it, Riggs!**_

 **(Riggs jumps but winds up hanging from the roof)**

"Nice of you to hang around, eh captain?" Sean asked as a comedic rimshot plays. "Play me off, Paul!"

Sean starts dancing as we see a clip Paul Shaffer performing on _The Late Show with David Letterman_.

 _ **Sean: (Narrating) With Riggs holding on to dear life, Murtaugh and Butters find a dumpster for him to land in.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Now, you jump on 3.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Ok. Ready?**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Ass first. It breaks the fall.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Ready. 1…2…**_

 **(Riggs lets go and falls into the dumpster)**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (Looks down at the dumpster) He just died. He's dead. R.I.P. (Pours a 40oz bottle of malt liquor) I love you, Riggs. (Sniffs) I support you with what you do but you better know that this was your risk. This was the risk you took. I love you so much you don't even know. (Sniffs) You can't even imagine how hard this is. I have a confession to make, I slept with Lorna while you were at work…**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you all right?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Yeah, I should've had him. I should've had him.**_

 **Sean: And looking at you, you're moving around and getting yelled at by your partner. Uh, well, okay. Just ignore last part!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"You land in a dumpster? Really?" Brian asked

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Chinese captain escapes but not shortly until a familiar face shows up.**

 **(The Chinese captain gets kicked in the face by Wah Sing Ku)**

"Ahh! It's Jet Li!" Sean screamed out.

 **(The Chinese captain tries to make a run for it but ends up getting attacked by Ku. The fight ends with Ku strangling the Chinese captain with his rosary beads)**

"Damn, this dude is literally a lethal weapon. He can kill you with his killer Wushu moves!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Riggs is sparring with a fellow officer in the boxing ring and ends up getting beaten up, so he fakes his shoulder injury and he tells Murtaugh that he's not feeling it and that he learns that he's getting too old for this shit.**

 **I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #8**

"Wait, wait, wait! That one doesn't count. It has to be said by one of the characters. So, get back to #7." Sean said.

 **I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #7**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: You're getting too old for this shit.**_

 **I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #8**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Yeah.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: How about that? (Chuckles) Finally.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: No, but it can't be**_ **.**

"Hey, man. You're hitting 50. You should realize that you're getting too old for this shit. Don't even think about counting that." Sean said, pointing and glaring to the camera.

 _ **Martin Riggs: I'm not too old for this shit. I'm not too old for this. You will it. We're not too old for this shit.**_

"Uh, Mel. You were 41 and Danny was 51 at the time you guys filmed this movie. You two should realize that you're getting too old for this shit. So, you shut the fuck up about not getting too old for this shit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Detective Dick Gumshoe Winston Payne, visits Riggs and Murtaugh and tells them that he's working on a very important…why is this important? Detective Butters has some news about the guy Riggs was chasing.**

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: The guy you chased through Chinatown?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Yeah.**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: The gun he dropped matched slugs on the bodies on the boat. That's your shooter.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Son of a bitch that got away from me.**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Didn't get too far. They found him on a rooftop nearby. Strangled. And get this…pigeons ate his eyeballs.**_

 **(Leo and Murtaugh both make a disgusted face)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Cool.**_

"Cool? What the hell you mean cool? That's sick. That sounds like a death from _Damien: Omen II_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a little lesson on cell phones.**

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: (On cell phones) You get a call, they cut you off. You make a call, they cut you off. What's the point? I never…**_

 _ **Leo Getz: Don't you know what they're doing, kid? They fuck you with cell phones. That's what it is, they're fucking you with the cell phone. They love when you get cut off. You know why, huh? You know why? 'Cause when you call back, which they know you're gonna do, they charge you for that fuckin' first minute again at that high rate.**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: If you're lucky enough to be able to call back, because the 3-hour battery you got only lasts for 20 fucking minutes.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: And what if you're behind a fucking hill or something?**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Or you're going through a damn tunnel or some shit, man. And they keep making it smaller. You know why they make 'em this small? So you can lose 'em. Why? So you have to buy more phones.**_

 _ **Leo Getz: They fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones! Hey, you know what happens when you go through a drive-through?**_

Sean and his friend Brian both crack up at Butters and Leo's rant on cell phones.

"He's got a point. My iPhone gives me issues a lot." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh arrive at Murtaugh's house, where they come home to find…**

 **(Triad gang members hold Murtaugh, Lorna, Trish and Rianne at gunpoint. Wah Sing Ku arrives and starts clapping his hands with a smile on his face)**

"Aahh! Jet Li smile!" Sean screams like Homer Simpson and ducks underneath his desk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Wah Sing Ku and his men kidnapped Hong and his family. And hey buddy, you have a red dot on ya.**

 _ **Thug (Played by Jeff Imada): (After noticing a red dot on him) Shit.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Riggs) Surprise, asshole. Which one do you want, the Kennedy or the McKinley?**

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. Look who we got here. Uncle Benny's friend.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: (Points his gun at Wah Sing Ku) Hey, Bruce. Nice pajamas.**_

 **(Ku tries to move the red dot away from him)**

"Oh, yeah. That's smart. Try shooing the red dot away. Like that's going to work." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **plays)**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: You're not that very bright, are you?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then one of the Triad gang members, named Fan, played by George Kee Cheung. Who you might recognize as the Vietnamese general from** _ **Rambo: First Blood Part II**_ **who got shot by Rambo with and explosive arrow. Fan ends up holding a pregnant Lorna at knifepoint.**

 **Fan (Played by George Kee Cheung): Drop your guns. Drop 'em.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: You're not gonna stand for that. Are you, honey?**_

 **(Lorna stomps on Fan's foot and elbows him in the face, then slams the door on his wrist, causing the knife to fall out of his hand)**

"And this is why you should never mess with a hormonal pregnant woman." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So then a fight breaks out, with Wah Sing Ku just watching before joining in to kick Riggs' ass.**

 **(Wah Sing Ku attacks Riggs by using his martial arts on him)**

"Damn! Ok, you have Mr. Joshua, Vorstedt and Jack Travis. Looks like Riggs have met his match because those three guys are complete pussies." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also get to see how badass Wah Sing Ku is when he dismantles Riggs' gun and ends up knocking out both Riggs and Murtaugh.**

 **(Lorna steps out of the kitchen as Ku kicks her in the face, knocking her out)**

"Oh! You bitch! You're a bitch for that one, Jet Li! You can't just go around and kicking pregnant women in the face. How about I come over there and knock you on your….

 _ **Wah Sing Ku: In Hong Kong, you would be dead.**_

"Aah! I'm sorry!" Sean hid under his desk in fear.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wah Sing Ku's men tie up Riggs, Murtaugh, Lorna, Trish and Rianne and douse the house with lighter fluid and gasoline and setting it on fire, leaving them to die. Boy, the Murtaugh's house has been having some bad luck. I mean, in the first one, it was shot up by Gary Busey and a car crashed through the living room and in the bathroom, it was damaged by a bomb. Mind you, a toilet bomb. And now the house is torched by Triad gang members. Allstate is going to have a field day with this. But luckily, our heroes are saved by Ping as they escape from the burning inferno. With Riggs and Murtaugh out for blood, they go after the two of the in hot pursuit. Riggs pulls one of the gang members from out of the car window and into the mobile home, where he interrogates him to know where the Hongs are.**

 **(Riggs fight the Triad member. They crash onto the road. Riggs is sitting on a table and holds onto the trailer by the plastic covering. The Triad gang member rolls off but then he gets hit by a charter bus)**

"Hey, at least he wanted to catch the bus." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard and the audience boos him. "What? What? What?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Murtaugh pursue the gang member's partner in a pretty impressive yet awesome car chase. They end up driving through one of the floors of a building and back onto the highway to chase the guy.**

 **(While chasing the Triad member, the thug gets hit by a truck. Murtaugh hits the breaks causing the side of the car to hit the back of the truck)**

"Christ, hasn't this guy seen any car crash PSA's? Right-angle collisions at 70 km/hour can be deadly. I guess he learned the hard way." Sean said.

 _ **Martin Riggs: You ok?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah. I think my heart's still beating.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, at U.S. Customs, we see that Wah Sing Ku has a meeting with the General, played by Dana Lee, for a deal involving the release of the Four Fathers. And we see that Wah Sing Ku's brother is one of the Four Fathers. And one of the Four Fathers look oddly familiar.**

Sean begins to notice that one of the Four Fathers is played by Francois Chau. "Oh, my God. That's Zane from _K.C. Undercover_. Now I know what he does in his spare time aside from getting revenge on K.C. and the Coopers. Okay, here's a brief recap. We have Pete Rooney from _Liv & Maddie_ and Zane from _K.C. Undercover_ in the same film. What's next? Am I going to see Bob Duncan in from _Good Luck Charlie_ in the movie as well?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Leo alerts Riggs and Murtaugh that he tracked down Uncle Benny at his dentist's office and with Leo as a distraction to keep the dentist busy, Riggs, Murtaugh and Butters to interrogate Uncle Benny. In their very own, special way.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Now, where are the Hongs? Now, open wide and tell us…**_

 _ **Uncle Benny Chan: Hongs? (Chuckles)**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Yeah.**_

 _ **Uncle Benny Chan: I don't know any Hongs.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you know 'em. Their uncle paid you big to get 'em out of China.**_

 _ **Uncle Benny Chan: You are lousy cops.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: No, we're good cops. Here.**_

 **(Riggs puts the mask on Uncle Benny's face and use laughing gas to extract the truth from him)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this scene deserves some appropriate music.**

 **(Tiny Tim's** _ **Loving in the Sunlight**_ **starts playing throughout the scene)**

 **(Uncle Benny starts singing in Chinese)**

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Ah, man! He's wasted.**_

 **(They all start laughing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): What is happening?**_

"I find _The Passion of the Christ_ to be a very hilarious movie." Sean starts laughing.

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: We…we're stoned.**_

 **(They keep laughing while they're high on laughing gas)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: That's one funny son-in-law you got there, Rog.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: (Laughs) Why did you call him my son-in-law?**_

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: (Laughs) Because I am!**_

 **(They all keep laughing)**

 _ **Detective Lee Butters: Your baby is having my baby.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: (Laughs) My baby is having his baby.**_

 **(Minutes Later)**

 **(Murtaugh punches Riggs in the face)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: What the hell did you do that for?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: For keeping it from me and letting me think he was a…a…**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Well, hit him, not me.**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: As soon as we find the Hongs, me, you and Rianne's getting into this.**_

"Well, Murtaugh took the news pretty well." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see Wah Sing Ku and his men making counterfeit money and Hong is reunited with his uncle. Well, nothing can possibly go…**

 **(Wah Sing Ku snaps Hong's neck and kills him)**

"I should've kept my fucking mouth shut." Sean said, making a facepalm.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we see the Chinese Triad making counterfeit money and Uncle Benny is strangled by Ku. Boy, Jet Li is coldblooded. Later that night, Riggs is driving home with Lorna and Ping and they decide to talk about marriage again, oh brother.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: You want to get married, don't you?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: No. Yes. Yes, I do. If you don't want to, it's ok.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Why didn't you tell me?**_

"Because we both starred in a Ron Howard movie two years ago and you did something stupid like using our son's ransom money as a bounty on the kidnapper's heads. That's why." Sean said, referencing the 1996 film _Ransom_ which starred both Mel Gibson and Rene Russo.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then this moment is ruined when Wa Sing Ku's henchmen tries to kill Riggs and Lorna, but then they end up failing.**

 **(Lorna shoots at the car behind them and kills the henchman. Riggs drives away as the two henchmen get hit by a train. Then they get hit by another, causing it to explode and killing them)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Having enough of the Triad trying to kill them, Riggs meets up with Murtaugh and Butters, where they find the dead bodies of Hong, his uncle and Uncle Benny. Then Murtaugh mentions the forefathers. And Detective Ng, played by Calvin Jung from** _ **RoboCop**_ **, who knows about Chinese culture and society corrects them on Four Fathers and that they were the top-notch guys in the old Hong Kong Triad. And they learn that there's a meeting going on in the foreign trade zone down by the docks between the General and Wah Sing Ku to release the Four Fathers. So, what better way is to crash the party.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Hi, gang.**_

 _ **General (Played by Dana Lee): What do you want?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: See all this? I hope you need a lot…lot of toilet paper back home, 'cause that's about it's good for, wipin' your ass with it.**_

 **(Riggs throws the counterfeit money up in the air)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: It's counterfeit! See? Triads never prosper when they try and cheat a general.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After finding out that the Triads screwed them, the General kills three of the Four Horsemen. And a shootout breaks out between the general's men and Wah Sing Ku's men and the cops. Butters gets injured after taking a bullet for Murtaugh and Riggs….**

 **(Riggs is driving a forklift and tries to run over Wah Sing Ku)**

"Wait, I have the perfect song for this scene." Sean said as he starts playing music.

 _ **This is the song written for Jet Li.**_

 _ **He's gonna kick Mel Gibson's ass.**_

 _ **He tried to kill me with a forklift.**_

 _ **Ole!**_

"I'm sorry. I had to throw in a _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ joke before I finish the review." Sean chuckled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs fights Ku but ends up getting his ass kicked. Murtaugh tries to shoot Wah Sing Ku, but ends up shooting his older brother. And his older brother ends up dead.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Well, now you done it. Now, he's really pissed.**_

"Okay, guys. Just arrest the guy and let's go home." Sean said.

 _ **Martin Riggs: I'm too old for this shit, too.**_

 **I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #9**

"There you go, Riggs. You've accepted the fact that you're getting too old for this…" Sean said.

 _ **Martin Riggs: I mean, how did he do that thing with the gun? How the hell did he do that? I mean, he took my gun apart with one deft move. How did he do that?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **plays)**

 _ **Maya Hart (Played by Sabrina Carpenter): No, no, no, no, no, no, no!**_

"Dude, don't please. You two are going to get yourselves killed. Oh, dear. This won't end well. If they've got a death wish to fight Jet Li, then I better get a chance to yell this out…." Sean said as he clears his throat. "MORTAL KOMBAT!"

 **(Riggs and Murtaugh get into a brutal yet bloody fight while the** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme plays in the background while Sean is cheering for Riggs and Murtaugh. We see Riggs facing off with Wah Sing Ku. The record scratches as we see Ku trying to choke Riggs to death)**

"Oh, God! Riggs is going to get killed. Somebody, do something!" Sean yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Spaceballs**_ **plays)**

 _ **President Skroob (Played by Mel Brooks): Do something!**_

 _ **Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): Do something!**_

 _ **Colonel Sandurz (Played by George Wyner): Do something!**_

 **(Murtaugh impales Wah Sing Ku with a metal stick. The metal stick goes through him and blood squirts out)**

"Ewww!" Sean winced as the scene plays back once more.

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **plays)**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Sweet fancy Moses.**_

"Man, I cringe every time from watching that scene." Sean said as the scene where Murtaugh impales Wah Sing Ku with a metal stick plays one more time making Sean recoil in disgust. "D'oooh! Geez, man! Don't ever play that scene one more time."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ku knocks out Murtaugh unconsciously, leaving Riggs to fend off the deadly lethal weapon. A piece of the concrete pier breaks apart, sending the two underwater and the fight continues. Ku tries to choke Riggs underwater but what Mr. Karate Master doesn't know is that you don't bring your martial arts moves to a gunfight.**

"Wah Sing Ku, meet Mr. AK-47. Mr. AK-47, meet Wah Sing Ku. Riggs, shoot this motherfucker." Sean said.

 **(Riggs shoots Wah Sing Ku with a submerged AK-47 and kills him. We then cut to Riggs swimming up to the surface)**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Rog! Are you up there?**_

 **Sean: (V/O as the narrator from** _ **A Christmas Story**_ **) Murtaugh laid there like a slug. It was his only defense.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: Rog?**_

 **(Part of the pier breaks, sending Riggs underwater and traps him)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Murtaugh regains his consciousness and realizes that his friend is underwater, so he dives in and pulls part of the broken pier off of him and saves his life.**

 _ **Martin Riggs: (After swimming to the surface) What took you so long?**_

 _ **Roger Murtaugh: What took me so long?! What the hell you mean, what took me so long? I was fuckin' knocked out over here.**_

"Jesus, Riggs. Just be thankful that your partner saved your life. You don't need to be a dick about it."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see Riggs visiting his deceased wife's grave, telling her that he hasn't visited her in a while and confesses that he loves Lorna, asking her for help and support in marrying Lorna. But he gets interrupted by Leo practicing his P.I. techniques. Seriously, dude. Riggs is trying to have a moment with his dead wife. Before he leaves Riggs alone with his wife, Leo tells him an emotional story about his childhood.**

 _ **Leo Getz: I had this pet frog. His name was Froggy. He was my best friend in the whole world. I didn't have a lot of friends. Matter of fact, I had no friends. And, uh…I used to kiss the frog too.**_

"Ewww, why would you kiss a frog? That's disgusting." Sean said.

 _ **Leo Getz: I was riding him on my bike one day, and he jumped out of the box, and, uh… I ran him over with the back tire. I killed him. I was really heartbroken. Really. He was my best friend in the whole world, the only thing I ever loved. And then I met you and Roger. And you guys really looked after me a lot more than you really had to.**_

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you actually trying to have a moment? Are you actually trying to emote an emotion? Other than anger? And by looking after you, you've been slapped around by these two, pushed out of a window while one of them was trying to disarm a South African hit man, punched in the face, been told to stay in the car like a dog, got yelled at by these two, you been kidnapped by South African drug runners and was beaten by then, you get shot by an ex-cop during a hockey game, they pulled a prank on you, shot both of your tires and used you as a distraction at a dentist's office. Yeah, either they looked out for your or they treated you like complete crap." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Leo have a little bonding moment until he gets a message on his beeper from Lorna and that she's having the baby right now, so they rush to the hospital for the birth of Riggs and Lorna's baby. You know, there's something missing before baby. No, it's not love but it's between love and baby. What is it? Oh, yeah. MARRIAGE!**

 _ **Lorna Cole: (While in labor) I said I didn't wanna get married, but I do wanna get married. I wanna be a wife before I'm a mother. And I lied I just lied. And I know you don't want to.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Ok.**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: You said ok?**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Yes, I did. Ok. Let's do it, ok?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: He said ok.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: Lorna, will you marry me?**_

 _ **Lorna Cole: (Smiles at Riggs) Oh, Riggs. You bet I will, Riggs.**_

"Thank you! About time you two idiots came to your senses!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So in a last-ditch effort to get married, Leo finds a Rabbi, played by the late Richard Libertini and…**

"You know what, she's about to have the baby right now. Let's do the short, short version. Do you?" Sean asked.

 _ **Martin Riggs: I will.**_

"Do you?" Sean asked.

 _ **Lorna Cole: Yes, I do.**_

"Good! You're married! Kiss her!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Riggs kisses Lorna)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Riggs and Lorna are now married, finally. And the movie ends with Lorna giving birth to a baby boy. Rianne gives birth to a baby girl and Murtaugh accepting Butters as his son-in-law. Riggs is finally settling down. Captain Murphy gives Riggs and Murtaugh their former positions back as sergeants since the city is self-insured. The Hongs is are granted asylum and we end with this…**

 _ **Hospital Employee (Played by Kenneth Jackman): Are you all friends?**_

 _ **Everyone: No. We're family.**_

 _ **Martin Riggs: We're family. That's right.**_

 _ **Hospital Employee: Okay, on three. One, two, three…**_

 **(Takes the photo)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film ends with the cast and then we a collage of screenshots and snapshots of the cast and crew during production from all four movies while War's** _ **Why Can't We Be Friends**_ **along with Eric Clapton's** _ **Pilgrim**_ **start playing, signifying the end of a great film series.**

"So, that was _Lethal Weapon 4_ and I wouldn't call it the worst in the series or an unnecessary sequel. It has some of it's ups and downs and I still find it enjoyable to watch. The perfect end to the perfect series. Even though the movie had mixed reviews from critics, the film currently holds a rating of 52% on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, the film debuted No.1 in the box office and the film grossed about $130 million in the U.S. Also, the film was nominated for a Razzie Award for worst supporting actor for Joe Pesci. Even though, the film series ended 20 years ago, back in 2017, there was talks of a _Lethal_ _Weapon 5_ with Richard Donner, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover teaming up one more time, a proper finale for Lethal Weapon fans everywhere. You know that reminds me, who wrote the story and screenplay for the film?" Sean asked as we cut to the end credits of _Lethal Weapon 4_ and he sees who wrote the story for the film. "Jonathan Lemkin, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. Wait a minute, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. The creators of _Smallville_ wrote the story for _Lethal_ _Weapon 4_ along with Jonathan Lemkin, who wrote the screenplay for the movie _Red Planet_ , an episode of _Moonlighting_ and on the shows _21 Jump Street, Beverly Hills, 90210_ and _Hill Street Blues_. And let's see who wrote the screenplay. Channing Gibson! The same Channing Gibson who worked on the TV series _St. Elsewhere_ back in the 1980s? Holy cow, what went wrong with movie? These guys are great at story telling! All in all, I still find this movie to be enjoyable and the film series as well. If you haven't seen the movies, then check 'em out Netflix. You won't be disappointed. That's why I'm going to give _Lethal Weapon 4_ 3 Wah Sing Ku neck snaps….out of 5. Whoo! We did it. We finally got through Lethal Weapon Month. Oh, man. What a ride. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when we celebrate the return of _Roseanne_ , when I talk about the Top 11 _Roseanne_ epis..."

 **Voices: Review** _ **Zombies**_ **! Review** _ **Zombies**_ **, Sean! Please! Review** _ **Zombies**_ **! You've gotta review** _ **Zombies**_ **! We need a** _ **Zombies**_ **review, Critic.**

"All right, all right, all right! Someday, folks. Someday. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm getting too old for this shit. You can count that one." Sean said as he gets up from out of his seat and leaves his office.

 **I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #10**

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **In Hong Kong, you would be dead.**_

 **(Extra from** _ **Lethal Weapon 2-4**_ **start playing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **plays)**

 _ **Leo Getz: They fuck you at the drive-through, okay? They fuck you at the drive-through.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Lethal Weapon 3**_ **plays)**

 _ **Leo Getz: They fuck you at the hospital. First they drug you, then they fuck you!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Lethal Weapon 4**_ **plays)**

 _ **Leo Getz: They fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones!**_

 _ **Leo Getz: (On camera vending machines) These machines, they take your plastic, they wreck it, then they give you the damn camera. The camera doesn't work. You know what they're doing here? They're just trying to…**_

"Shut up! Goddamn it! We get the point!" Sean yelled out.

 **And that was it for** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **and the review of** _ **Lethal Weapon 4**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed** _ **Lethal Weapon Month**_ **. Any funny bits that you liked from the review and any other references that you like? I would like to thank fellow writer Boris Yeltsin for helping me out with the reviews. And yes, I will be reviewing** _ **Zombies**_ **but before I do that, I did mention that I will be talking about my top 11 episodes of** _ **Roseanne**_ **in honor of the return of** _ **Roseanne**_ **. And then I will be reviewing** _ **Zombies**_ **for all you** _ **Disney's Zombie**_ **fans, so get ready. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Speaking of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, there will be more Mayhem Critic when he returns in** _ **The Mayhem Critic Season 2**_ **. More Mayhem, and more movies for him to get nuts over. I will be ending this one with** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **. Wait for it, folks. I'll see you guys next time for the** _ **Top 11 Roseanne Episodes**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	15. Episode Twelve: Top 11 Roseanne Episodes

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, I did say that I was going to review Disney's** _ **Zombies**_ **after this but I was gonna wait till** _ **Zombies**_ **is released on DVD and order it. So, after the new chapter, I will be reviewing a bad film from 1984 and I mean it is notoriously bad even though it gained a cult following. And of course, I'm talking about David Lynch's Sci-Fi motion picture epic simply known as** _ **Dune**_ **. And boy, do I have a lot to say about this movie and I mean a lot and especially with** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **. Don't worry, I'll still review** _ **Zombies**_ **. Anyway, it's only 14 days left till the premiere of** _ **Roseanne**_ **. So, what better way to celebrate the return of** _ **Roseanne**_ **is by counting down the top 11 Roseanne episodes. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the Mayhem Critic's countdown of the top 11** _ **Roseanne**_ **episodes.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Twelve**

 **The Top 11 Best Roseanne Episodes**

Sean is seen once again sitting at his desk once more and does his introduction before getting to the point of the episode. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Okay, when I talk about the greatest American housewife on television, who comes into mind?"

A season two photo of the cast of _American Housewife_ pops up. In the photo, it shows Katy Mixon as Katie Otto sitting in a lawn chair and standing next to her is Julia Butters as her daughter Anna-Kat. Standing behind Katie and Anna-Kat are Daniel DiMaggio, Diedrich Bader and Meg Donnelly. Daniel as Katie's youngest son Oliver, Meg as Katie's eldest daughter Taylor and Diedrich as Katie's husband Greg.

"Good guess but this was before Katie Otto. I'm talking about the OG American Housewife who tells it like it is. The domestic goddess herself. And of course, I'm talking about _Roseanne_." Sean said.

 **(A clip of Roseanne singing the National Anthem starts playing)**

"Yeah, never play that clip ever again because she butchered it. Anyway, let's talk about the show _Roseanne_." Sean said as clips from the show starts playing.

 **(Clips from episodes of** _ **Roseanne**_ **from nine seasons play out while the** _ **Roseanne**_ **theme starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Roseanne**_ **, the classic sitcom that ran on ABC for nine seasons centers on Roseanne Conner and the Conner family, an American working-class family struggling to get by on a limited household income. The show was one of the first sitcoms to realistically portray a blue-collar American family with two parents working outside the home and also the parents being overweight. The show also dealt with many topics like abortion, alcoholism, drug abuse, spousal abuse, sexual dysfunction, homosexuality and racial prejudice. And who could not forget Roseanne's trademark laugh.**

 **(A montage of Roseanne laughing starts playing)**

"And when I heard about the revival season of the show was coming, I jumped in joy. I mean, this makes up for the series finale. Hell, even the late Charles Green a.k.a. Angry Grandpa did a video in honor of the return of _Roseanne_. He did a reaction video of _Roseanne_ returning to ABC and a Cooking with Grandpa video where he's making loose meat sandwiches in honor of the return of Roseanne. I would just like to ask, which episode of _Roseanne_ is the best episode? Which ones are the most memorable or the most funniest? Well, let's sit down on the couch and travel back to 1988, and let's count down the top 11 best _Roseanne_ episodes. Why top 11? If you don't know by then, I should hit you in the back of the head with a frying pan." Sean said after he picks up a frying pan from off of his desk. "This is the _Top 11 Best Roseanne Episodes_."

 **(The classic** _ **Roseanne**_ **intro for the show starts playing and it ends with Roseanne's trademark laugh)**

 **Number 11:** _ **White Men Can't Kiss**_ **(Season 7, Episode 9)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, this episode deals with a serious topic, racial prejudice. In this episode, DJ doesn't want to kiss a girl in the school play because she's black and Roseanne and Dan reacting to it.**

 _ **DJ Conner (Played by Michael Fishman): I don't know.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner (Played by Roseanne): Well, is it because you're just not ready to kiss girls yet?**_

 _ **DJ Conner: No.**_

 _ **Dan Conner (Played by John Goodman): Son, no matter what it is you can tell us. Is it because she's black?**_

 **(DJ stays silent)**

 _ **Dan Conner: It is, isn't it?**_

 _ **DJ Conner: Well, you'll be mad if I say yes.**_

 _ **Dan Conner: No, we won't.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Yes, we will. I didn't raise you to be some little bigot.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: I just don't want to kiss her.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Hey, black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo picking, cousin dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white trash like us.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Dan starts to question his own bigotry.**

 _ **Chuck (Played by James Pickens Jr.): Why do you care how I feel so much more than everyone else? Because I'm black.**_

 _ **Dan Conner: I would never say that.**_

 _ **Chuck: Of course not. Some of your best friends are black.**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Yes! You're one of my best friends. That's why you're here.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Roseanne confronts her own bigotry when a man stops by at the Lunchbox late at night and she's afraid to let him in until he tells her that he's the girl's father. You know that Roseanne was often more about class but not so much about race and this was a great confrontational episode.**

 _ **Dan Connor: (Sits down on the couch and grabs the remote) I hate white people.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) And speaking of kisses. Here's number 10**

 **Number 10:** _ **Don't Ask, Don't Tell**_ **(Season 6, Episode 18)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, this episode has gained some controversy. And I mean a generous amount of controversy. This was the episode that included a same-sex kiss between Roseanne and Nancy's girlfriend Sharon, played by Mariel Hemingway. In this episode, Roseanne wants to prove how cool she is by going out dancing at a gay bar with her sister Jackie and her friend Nancy and Nancy's girlfriend Sharon.**

 _ **Nancy Bartlett (Played by Sandra Bernhard): It's a gay bar.**_

 _ **Jackie Harris (Played by Laurie Metcalfe): Okey dokey.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Well, Jackie. It doesn't bother us if it's gay.**_

 _ **Nancy Bartlett: Well it might, Friday is Convert a Hetero night.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And in the episode, Roseanne is totally caught off-guard when Sharon kisses her.**

 **(Sharon kisses Roseanne, catching her off-guard)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Because of the controversy of the episode, ABC initially planned not to air the episode but GLAAD (the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) urged ABC to air "the lesbian kiss episode". And because of this episode,** _ **Roseanne**_ **was one of the first American shows to feature and intimate show between two women. Hell, a lot of shows did that. Shows like L** _ **.A. Law, Picket Fences, Party of Five, Ally McBeal, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, The Simpsons, Riverdale**_ **. Hell, even the first episode of** _ **American Housewife**_ **between Angela and Katie. Oh, and an episode of season two between Angela and Chloe Brown Mueller. And the kiss totally freaks Roseanne out. This episode best represents** _ **Roseanne**_ **'s ability to tackle a controversial subject.**

 _ **DJ Conner: Isn't that wrong?**_

 _ **Dan Conner: No, son. It's perfectly fine. And anyone who tries to tell you differently is wrong.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: Does that mean you dance with other men?**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Yes, I do.**_

 **Number 9:** _ **Becky's Choice**_ **(Season 1, Episode 17)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is easily one of my favorite episodes in season one. I mean, has anyone ever dealt with this type of situation like Becky in this episode? In the episode, Roseanne invites Becky's crush Chip and his parents over for a family dinner.**

 _ **Becky Conner (Played by Lecy Goranson): How could you do that?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Because I ran into Chip's mom in the supermarket. She puts a gun to my head, so I invited her.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to make matters worse, Roseanne catches her daughter in the backyard making out with this other guy known as "The Tongue Bandit". Ew.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: (After catching Becky kissing another guy) Becky, get your butt in the house, now!**_

 _ **Becky Conner: Mother?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Now.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's either Bachelor #1 or Bachelor #2? Russ Thompson's kid from** _ **Honey, I Shrunk the Kids**_ **or Johnny "The Tongue Bandit"? Who will Becky choose?**

 _ **Becky Conner: It's none of your business.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: It is my business when you start sneaking out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leaving your father for.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you want to see who Becky chooses. You have to watch the episode to find out.**

 _ **Dan Conner: Your mother and I have come to a decision about the Swanko situation.**_

 _ **Becky Conner: (Smiles) Can I go out with him?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Not in a million years.**_

 **(Becky glares evily at her parents and leaves the kitchen as Dan and Roseanne both laugh)**

 **Number 8:** _ **Little Sister**_ **(Season 2, Episode 2)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so here a little thing about this episode, Laurie Metcalfe is the show's MVP. In the early seasons of Roseanne, we would just see the family hang about in some period of time or have one long discussion or a fight, and this is one of the best episodes. In this episode, Jackie wants to become a policewoman for the Lanford Police Department but Roseanne tries to dissuade her from becoming one because of how dangerous the job is.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: I don't think you're cop material.**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: Oh, yeah. You don't, huh? You don't even know what cop material is.**_

 **(Jackie puts her sister in a chokehold)**

"You know, Laurie Metcalfe played a cop on a movie that starred Richard Gere and Andy Garcia called Internal Affairs back in 1990 and look what happened to her character." Sean said as a clip from the film Internal Affairs starts playing.

 **(A clip from** _ **Internal Affairs**_ **starts playing)**

 **(Dennis Peck, played by Richard Gere, walks up to Amy Wallace, played by Laurie Metcalfe, and shoots her)**

"This is why you should give Aunt Jackie a bulletproof vest." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) There's also a subplot involving Becky and Darlene after Becky gets caught reading Dan's girlie magazines.**

 _ **Becky Conner: I just want to know why men like those magazines. I mean, why do they want to look at a bunch of women who they don't even know?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: They actually believe those women are looking back at them.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, did I mention that this episode was written by Joss Whedon? That's right. The same Joss Whedon that brought us** _ **Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Marvel's The Avengers, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Toy Story**_ **and** _ **The Avengers: Age of Ultron**_ **. He was a writer for the show before he made it big.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Alien Resurrection**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ugh. I'll give him a free pass on that one. But anyway, this episode has some great humor and I love the caring relationship between Roseanne and Jackie, and I love this moment at the end of the episode.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: (Pulls out a fake gun) Okay, pig. I've got a gun and I'm gonna blow your head off. What are you gonna do about it?**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: Slap your hand away.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Go ahead. Bang! You're dead, Jackie. You're dead. Get it?**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: Meter maid is good.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you're having a bad day, then let Laurie Metcalfe light up your day with this episode.**

"Just make sure you don't give her a gun." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the season two episode** _ **Fathers and Daughters**_ **start playing)**

 _ **Jackie Harris: Well, I'm off to fight crime and keep Lanford safe.**_

 **(She grabs her gun holster from off of the refrigerator. The gun falls out of the holster and hits the floor. Jackie and Roseanne both gasp)**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Would you get that thing out of here?**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: Look, first of all the safety was on. And second of all, a police revolver does not go off simply by being dropped on the floor.**_

 _ **Dan Conner: A waste of taxpayers' money, I'm tellin' ya.**_

 **Number 7:** _ **Good Girls, Bad Girls**_ **(Season 5, Episode 10)**

 _ **Molly Tilden (Played by Danielle Harris): Won't you even listen to me?**_

 _ **Darlene Conner (Played by Sara Gilbert): No, we've spent enough time in life together. We're done now.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so in season five, we're introduced to the Conners next door neighbors the Tildens, a single father and his two daughters who are around Darlene and Becky's ages. We're introduced to Ty Tilden and he's played by Wings Hauser who you might recognizing as the terrifying pimp Ramrod from the movie** _ **Vice Squad**_ **. Charlotte Tilden played by Mara Hobel from** _ **Mommie Dearest**_ **and the sexpot daughter Molly Tilden, she's played by…**

 **(Sexy porn music starts playing, as we are shown Molly Tilden)**

"Oh, snap." Sean gasps as a photo of an adult Danielle Harris wearing sensual lingerie pops up next to him. "Danielle Harris!"

 **(Clips of Danielle Harris in** _ **Roseanne**_ **continue to play)**

Sean looks on dreamily, then a video of Roseanne singing the National Anthem back in 1990 enters the frame, snapping him back into reality and causes him to push the video out of the way, then starts looking lovestruck. "I don't care if you starred in that one movie with that horny idiot from Married…With Children. ONE DAY, YOU WILL BE MINE!"

"Dude, she's married y'know?" Brian told Sean as the record screeches.

"Oh, yeah. She's married. But hey, a guy can dream." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But in all seriousness, I want to bring up something real quick. In 1995, Danielle Harris was stalked in real life by an obsessed fan named Christopher Small and he was obsessed with her character. And the guy wrote letters threatening to kill her. I mean, this is some sick shit. Anyway back to the episode. In the episode, Molly has an extra ticket to the Daisy Chainsaw concert. Roseanne doesn't want her to go at first, but she reluctantly agrees to let her go to the concert and then she immediately regrets it when her and Molly haven't returned.**

 _ **Dan Conner: You said "Let her go."**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: I said "don't".**_

 _ **Dan Conner: She could be out there God knows where. God knows what happen to her. This never would've happened if you would've listened to me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this is due to Molly being, uh, how do I say this without offending anyone? Um, being easy.**

 _ **Darlene Conner: Come on, Molly. Let's go. It's getting late.**_

 _ **Molly Tilden: So cute. Which one do you want?**_

 _ **Darlene Conner: The one that'll kill you and stuff you in a trunk.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Plus, this episode has got some funny fights and a really harsh-ass mom talk at the end. I mean, Roseanne let Molly have it.**

 _ **Molly Tilden: Look, I know what Darlene told you…**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Let's just cut the crap, okay? You're talking to Darlene's mother here. The mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad!**_

 _ **Molly Tilden: That's right because you're not my mother.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Fine. Since I'm not your mother then I'm not gonna tell you how stupid it is for you to get into some stranger's van and I'm also not gonna tell you how terrible things happen to stupid little girls like you every single day!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) An episode that teaches people a lesson and that lesson is that you should never fuck with Roseanne Conner.**

 **Number 6:** _ **Crime and Punishment**_ **(Season 5, Episode 13)/** _ **War and Peace**_ **(Season 5, Episode 16)**

 _ **Darlene Conner: What happened to Aunt Jackie?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Well, some say environment but I think she's born that way.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this show does not shy away from controversial topics. In this episode, this deals with a very powerful issue, abuse. In season five, Jackie starts dating this guy named Fisher. He's played by Laurie Metcalfe's ex-husband Matt Roth. In this episode, Roseanne learns that Jackie's boyfriend has been beating her after Darlene finds Jackie in the bathroom, covered in bruises.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: You come over ere, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it. How do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: W-why can't you just drop it?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: That son of a bitch!**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: You don't understand.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: He beat the crap out of you.**_

 _ **Jackie Harris: No, he didn't. It's no big deal.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: It's no big deal?! What are you saying? He hit you, it's not like he forgot your birthday.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kudos to Laurie Metcalfe, even though I enjoy her hilarious moments on the show, this was a serious episode for her character and she won an Emmy for her performance in this episode. And in the episode** _ **War and Peace**_ **, Darlene bails Dan out of jail and I loved this moment from Darlene.**

 _ **Darlene Conner: (Grinning) Well, well, well!**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Aw, man!**_

 _ **Darlene Conner: My, my, my, my, my!**_

 _ **Dan Conner: What are you doing here?**_

 _ **Darlene Conner: You know, I bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) A pretty powerful episode for Roseanne. A must-watch episode.**

 _ **Fisher (Played by Matt Roth): (After Roseanne grabs the television) It's mine.**_

 **(Roseanne drops Fisher's television on the floor)**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: (Sarcastically) God, I hate myself for that.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of serious episodes and great performances….**

 **Number 5:** _ **Lies My Father Told Me**_ **(Season 6, Episode 21)**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: I was gonna tell you about Grandma Conner. You know, last night your father had to put her into a home.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: What kind of home?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: A home…not unlike our home.**_

 _ **Darlene Conner: She's in a mental institution.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, this is another serious episode from the show that I like. In this episode, Roseanne tries to help Dan deal with life-changing news: learning that his mother has a history of mental illness. And after his mother is committed to a mental institution, Dan shows up at his father's house drunk and he ends up trashing the place. I love some of the humor in the episode, but I love the dramatic moment in the episode as well. This episode contains John Goodman's finest performance of the entire series.**

 _ **Dan Conner: (Crying) I can't take this.**_

 **(Roseanne consoles a crying Dan)**

"And here's a fun fact, before they both starred in Roseanne, John Goodman and Ned Beatty were both starred in the 1986 film _The Big Easy_." Sean said.

 _ **Dan Conner: (While fixing the toaster and chuckles) This is wild. I don't remember being in the kitchen last night.**_

 _ **Ed Conner (Played by Ned Beatty): You weren't. Thing's been broken for months.**_

"Lotso the Bear, ladies and gentlemen." Sean said.

 **Number 4:** _ **April Fool's Day**_ **(Season 2, Episode 22)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this episode. We all have to deal with paying taxes and dealing with the IRS. Well, this is Roseanne's take on it. Not only is it funny, but the layout of the story is hilarious. In the episode, Dan and Roseanne are in panic mode trying to get their taxes done in time.**

"It's a good thing I got them done early. Bastards at the IRS used my federal taxes to pay off my student loans." Sean said.

 _ **Dan Conner: A stupid system run by stupid thought up by stupid people hired by stupid people.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Who are elected by even stupider people.**_

"Like President Donald Trump." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dan stresses about getting his taxes done but he cannot figure out how to fill out the tax document. And there are a lot of hilarious bits in the episode. My favorite bit was when a character mentions the word audit a dramatic sound effect starts playing.**

 _ **Jackie Harris: What if she is supposed to get a 1099 and it got lost in the mail? And then the IRS is gonna check our audit and you guys are gonna have to have an audit.**_

 **(A dramatic sound effect starts playing as Roseanne and Dan look around to find out where the noise is coming from)**

 _ **Dan Conner: I ain't in no mood for an audit.**_

 **(Dramatic sound effect plays again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What else can I say but audit.**

 **(Dramatic sound effect starts playing right after Dan and Roseanne leave the house)**

 **Number 3:** _ **Wait till Your Father Gets Home**_ **(Season 5, Episode 16)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Classic death episode with some comedy mixed with drama. In the episode, Roseanne and Jackie's father dies. Their father's death makes Jackie a basket case and Laurie Metcalfe hits it out of the park with her performance.**

 _ **Jackie Harris: (Dials the phone) I can't… Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie… Jack-key! I'm fine… Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news… Dad is not with us anymore… I said Dad has passed away… He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's deasd!... He's dead!... NO,**_ _ **DEAD!**_ _ **... DAD…. He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! (hangs up the phone) I am not doing that again, you can't make me!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) She is so funny in the episode. Her performance on this episode won her a second Emmy, and having to make one of the funniest phone calls of the show.**

 _ **Jackie Harris: Before we go on, I just want you to know that I am feeling very irrational right now. I'm likely to buy anything that you show me. I'm also very likely to take out a gun and blow your head off...**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Scream 2**_ **plays)**

 _ **Debbie Salt (Played by Laurie Metcalfe): (While holding Sidney at gunpoint) And I can't think of anything more rational.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But comedy aside, there some dramatic moments in the episode where Roseanne is upset to learn that her father was never sorry for the abuse that he inflicted on her when she was child. And not only Laurie Metcalfe won an Emmy for her performance, Roseanne won an Emmy for her performance on that episode and she did a lot of the emotional lifting in the episode. With a mix of comedy and a pretty emotional scene and you have one of Roseanne's finest episodes.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: (After speaking to her father's corpse) Thank you for your humor. I love you. Goodbye.**_

 **Number 2:** _ **Homeward Bound**_ **(Season 6, Episode 7)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Poor DJ. Okay, remember that episode from Seinfeld back in season four where Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer are in a contest to see who could go the longest without masturbating? Well in this episode, Roseanne and Dan learn that DJ has begun masturbating.**

 _ **Darlene Conner: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it… or really, really bad at it.**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Aw, God!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then they struggle figuring out on how to handle this. So, Dan give DJ a little man-to-man chat.**

 _ **Dan Conner: I just want you to know that what you've been doing, it's just a part of growing up.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: So, you're proud of me?**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Well, yeah. But not for this. The point is, I'm not upset with you. This is something that everybody does.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: Really?**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Yeah.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: Okay.**_

 _ **Dan Conner: Okay.**_

 _ **DJ Conner: Do you do it?**_

 **(Dan turns around in embarrassment)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This episode has the funniest father and son moment ever. If you haven't seen this episode, then check it out.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Well, we ought to be able to handle this okay. I mean, ya know, it's just masturbation.**_

 **(David leaves the kitchen after Roseanne mentions the word "Masturbation")**

"Okay, guys. Before I reveal which Roseanne episode made the number one list. Here are a few runners-up." Sean said.

 **Runners-Up**

 _ **I'm Hungry**_ **(Season 2, Episode 18)**

 _ **Let's Call It Quits**_ **(Season 1, Episode 23)**

 _ **The Last Thursday in November**_ **(Season 8, Episode 8)**

 _ **Roseambo**_ **(Season 9, Episode 9)**

 _ **BOO!**_ **(Season 2, Episode 7)**

 _ **PMS, I Love You**_ **(Season 3, Episode 8)**

 _ **A Bitter Pill to Swallow**_ **(Season 4, Episode 1)**

 _ **The Dark Ages**_ **(Season 5, Episode 3)**

 _ **Arsenic and Old Mom**_ **(Season 9, Episode 22)**

 _ **Into That Good Night**_ **(Season 9, Episode 23/24)**

 **Number 1:** _ **A Stash From the Past**_ **(Season 6, Episode 4)**

 _ **Jackie Harris: (After opening the bag of pot and smelling it) Yep, it's pot alright. Mary Jane, stick, weed, dope. Call it what you like it's trouble.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, for those of you who haven't seen this episode. This was one of the greatest yet funniest episodes of Roseanne ever and a very daring episode as well. People have to say that this was one of their favorite episode ever. In the episode, Dan is feeling moody because a co-worker at his job isn't giving him any respect.**

"By the way, the actor playing the guy who works for Dan is Paul Feig. Who you might recognize him as the director of _Ghostbusters 2016_." Sean said.

 _ **Roseanne Conner: You hate him, Dan?**_

 _ **Dan Conner: I hate him.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: You wanna kill him, Dan?**_

 _ **Dan Conner: I wanna kill him.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: You go kill him. Bring me back some pretzels.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Roseanne's feeling a little old. In the episode, Roseanne finds a stash of pot in David's room that they think it's David's. But then they realize that the bag of marijuana belongs to them. So, they decide to smoke the pot to relive their nostalgic days.**

 _ **Jackie Harris: (After catching Roseanne rolling a joint) What the hell are you doing? You're rolling a joint after yelling at David for bringing pot in the house? And you're using the coffee table mom gave 'ya? And you're doing it all wrong.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And they spend the rest of the episode locked in the bathroom and stoned out of their minds.**

 _ **Jackie Harris: It's me and my ganja.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This episode was pretty tame yet so fucking hilarious. This is like a screwed-up version of a very special episode. And that's what makes Roseanne hilarious. Well, what can I say but maybe Roseanne could say it for me.**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: (After grabbing an egg from out of the refrigerator) This is your brain.**_

 **(Roseanne sits the egg on the table)**

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Dan, a pan.**_

 **(Dan gets up and hands Roseanne a frying pan)**

 **** _ **Roseanne Conner: And this is your brain on drugs.**_

 **(Roseanne hits the egg with the frying pan)**

"Any questions?" Sean asked imitating the drug PSA. And that is my _Top 11 Best Roseanne Episodes_. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time. But before I go, I want to leave you guys with a special video."

 **(A clip from** _ **Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Fifi La Fume (Voice by Kath Soucie) It isn't over till the fat lady sings!**_

 _ **Roseanne Barr (Voiced by Tress MacNeille): (Sings) O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!**_

 **(Roseanne falls off the balcony and lands on Fifi, then spits and crosses her arms)**

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **It's just me and my ganja.**_

 **And that's the Mayhem Critic's top 11 best episodes of** _ **Roseanne**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed the list in honor of the return of** _ **Roseanne**_ **. Okay, so next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, I'm torn between which three movies to review next. Here's the reviews:**

 _ **Dune**_ **: Sean takes on the 1984 trainwreck directed by David Lynch. How will Sean handle the borefest?**

 _ **Spider-Man 3**_ **: Three words: Dancing Emo Peter!**

 _ **Batman & Robin**_ **: Three more words: Bat Credit Card! And bad ice puns that will make Sean go insane!**

 **Which movie should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	16. Episode Thirteen: Batman & Robin

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and today, I will be tackling one of the worst superhero movies ever. Today, Sean the Mayhem critic reviews one of the worst superhero movies ever made and it will probably make him go bonkers. And of course it's the movie** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **. Get ready, my friends. Will Sean end up insane from this review? We'll find out today in** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources. Batman is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.**

 **Episode Thirteen**

 **Batman & Robin**

Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting at his desk with a disgruntled look on his face while looking at a DVD copy of today's movie that he's going to be reviewing and sighs. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. You get the whole deal, folks. I really don't want to review this movie. I really don't. And I just want to ask why? Why was this movie made? This is considered to be one of the worst films of all time. This is it, my friends. The big one, the ungodly shit storm of a movie that is simply known as _Batman & Robin_.

 **(The title screen for** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays, followed by footage of the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This was the fourth and final film in the original Batman film series before they rebooted the film series with** _ **The Dark Knight**_ **trilogy. This film was doomed from the start and I had experience with this film because when I was about 5 or six years old, I was living in Evanston and my mom and I went to the dollar theater at Surrey Square and we saw Batman & Robin. Boy, a waste of my mother's money from seeing that trainwreck.**

"And now, since I'm 26, it's time for me to take a look back at this piece of shit film and keep myself from going insane and singing songs from my childhood. But before we dive into _Batman & Robin_, let's take a look at how it began." Sean said.

 **(Footage from Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It all started in 1989 with the release of** _ **Batman**_ **, directed by Tim Burton, who was known for directing** _ **Pee-Wee's Big Adventure**_ **and the supernatural comedy** _ **Beetlejuice**_ **. It starred Michael Keaton as billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne who's a crime fighter at night and he goes up against the freaky Joker, played brilliantly by Jack Nicholson and he romances the beautiful Vicki Vale played by Kim Basinger. This Batman was different. It wasn't campy like the 1960s Adam West** _ **Batman**_ **, this version of Batman was darker and more serious. Heck, this was the best Batman movie that I watched when I was a kid before** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. And** _ **Batman '89**_ **was PG-13 so no big deal, I was only five at the time. There were some controversy over casting Michael Keaton as Batman because he was known for only his comedic roles in movies like** _ **Night Shift, Mr. Mom, Gung Ho, Johnny Dangerously**_ **and** _ **Beetlejuice**_ **.**

"Uh, have you guys ever seen him in the movie Clean and Sober? He's done some dramatic work. Here's what Michael Keaton says to people complain about him as Batman." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the 1994 film** _ **The Paper**_ **plays)**

 _ **Henry Hackett (Played by Michael Keaton): Really? Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself!**_

"He's come a long way from Batman, pal." Sean's friend Brian told him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But yeah. The film turned out to be pretty awesome. Keaton turned out to be a pretty good Batman, Nicholson stole the show as The Joker and I loved the film's unique visual style of Gotham City. And to top it all off, a memorable music score from Danny Elfman and a soundtrack from Prince. You get yourself a kick-ass superhero flick and critics loved it and the movie brought in a shitload of money. So, in 1992, the year that I was born, a sequel was made.** _ **Batman Returns**_ **was released on June 19, 1992 and this time the Dark Knight faces off with two villains in gloomy Gotham City during the Christmas season. The villains in the movie were The Penguin, played by Danny DeVito, and Catwoman played by Michelle Pfieffer. The film was a solid effort but it didn't earn merely as much money as the first film mostly because of complaints from parents saying that the film was dark and violent.**

"Okay, to the pussy parents who complained about Batman Returns being too dark and violent, have you ever seen the first film? I mean, what did you expect?" Sean asked. "I guess one of the parents was the woman created a petition for Disney Channel to stop showing the Jessie episode because it was making fun of the gluten-kid."

 **(Footage from** _ **Batman Forever**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Warner Bros. decided to continue the Batman film series with** _ **Batman Forever**_ **and this one took a different approach. This one was more family-friendly than the last film. With Tim Burton as producer for the film and taking over directorial duties were given to the devil himself Joel Schumacher. And to give Schumacher some credit, he did direct some good films that I enjoyed. Films such** _ **St. Elmo's Fire, Flatliners, The Lost Boys**_ **,** _ **Falling Down, The Client**_ **and** _ **A Time to Kill**_ **.**

 **Man: Don't forget, he directed an episode of** _ **House of Cards**_ **.**

"Thanks. Thanks for that." Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since Michael Keaton didn't want to play Batman without Burton directing, he left the series and he was replaced with Val Kilmer. Kilmer was best known for his roles in the films** _ **Top Secret!, Real Genius, Top Gun, Willow, The Doors, Heat, Tombstone, The Ghost and the Darkness, The Prince of Egypt**_ **and** _ **At First Sight**_ **. In this film, Batman goes up against Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones, and The Riddler, played by Jim Carrey. And after initially appearing in the screenplays for the first two movies but being written out before being put to production, Batman's sidekick Robin makes an appearance and he's played by Chris O'Donnell. I thought film was alright but casting wise, I didn't care for Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face. The character was supposed to be taken seriously not comical. Heck, I like Richard Moll's Two-Face from the animated series better. And question, how did Harvey Dent suddenly become a white guy after being played by Billy Dee Williams in the first film. I kinda enjoyed Val Kilmer as Batman even though I like Michael Keaton better. I really enjoyed Jim Carrey as The Riddler. He was a load of fun to watch. The film was a bit hit and Warner Bros. gave Schumacher the green light to direct another Batman film.**

"And thus brings us to today's review. This is the DVD. These are the notes of things that are wrong with this movie and here are photos of me going insane!" Sean exclaimed after showing the DVD of Batman & Robin, a thick stack of papers on his desk and photos of himself. "So you know, there's a lot to talk about. I will do my best to keep this review a millennium long, but I will not make any promises that I won't keep. But before I begin this review, special precautions have been made to prevent me from killing myself. They got rid of my gun, any sharp objects in the house and my ties and rope to keep me from hanging myself."

Sean reaches underneath his desk and pulls out his Beretta 92F pistol.

"They didn't count on my extra gun that I had hidden. So, let's begin with this movie and see what went wrong." Sean said as the review starts.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we see that the main title of the film is having it's time of the month, no offense. And we see that Arnold Schwarzenegger has top billing over George Clooney. Uh, why is his name first? He's not playing Batman. It's like Mark Hamill having top billing over Kevin Conroy in** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. And there's something amiss with the film. You see,** _ **Batman**_ **was released in June of 1989,** _ **Batman Returns**_ **was released in June of 1992,** _ **Batman Forever**_ **was released in June of 1995 and** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **was released in June of 1997.**

"Oh, dear." Sean gulped.

 **(Montage of Batman and Robin suiting up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get a montage of Batman and Robin suiting up and we see that their outfits come equipped with Bat-nipples, Bat-asses and Bat-codpieces.**

"You've seen this joke coming a mile away." Sean said before pointing up to the ceiling.

 **Choir: THE AMBIGOUSLY GAY DUO!**

"Sorry, I had to." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get our new Batmobile and I don't like the design of it. It's too flashy and it has one seat! And then we get our first line of the film.**

 _ **Robin (Played by Chris O'Donnell): I want a car. Chicks dig the car.**_

 _ **Batman: This is why Superman works alone.**_

We then cut to Sean, who picks up his concealed pistol from off of his desk and tries to point the gun to his temple, but a man in suit comes in and stops him, causing Sean to fire his pistol up at the ceiling and takes the weapon away from him.

"Great! Just great! You doomed me, buddy!" Sean yelled and crossed his arms.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's literally the first line of the film. We see that Batman is now played by George Clooney and he makes a horrible Batman. And we see that Chris O'Donnell returns as Batman sidekick Robin. We then cut to the Gotham Museum of Art, where we see that's it's being robbed by Mr. Freeze, played by the king of one-liners himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman Cometh.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #1**

"Oh, yeah. There's a lot of ice puns in the movie. Okay, time for me to turn this into drinking game every time I hear a bad ice pun." Sean said as he fills his shot glass up with Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch whisky and takes a shot. "Ugh, God."

"I'll drink with you, man." Brian said, doing the same with a Coors beer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, for those you who don't know the backstory of Mr. Freeze, let me provide you. Mr. Freeze was once known as Victor Fries, a brilliant scientist whose wife Nora is suffering from a rare disease that is slowly killing her. Victor had her cryogenically frozen until he could find a cure. Thanks to an accident in his lab, he now has to keep his body at sub-zero temperatures in order to survive. He does this by using his suit that is powered by diamonds.**

"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life!" Sean exclaimed. "For the love of God, movie. Please show some mercy."

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Mercy? I believe that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #2**

"Well, that didn't last long. Time to take a shot." Sean said, filling his shot glass once more and takes a shot. "Get used to the bad puns, guys. Because there's a shitload of bad puns packed in the movie.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Mr. Freeze is stealing the baseball diamond from** _ **The Great Muppet Caper**_ **and it apparently powers up his suit.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: There's only one absolute…everything freezes.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #3**

Sean takes another shot after hearing another ice pun.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it's not long until Batman crashes the party.**

 _ **Batman: Hi, Freeze. I'm Batman.**_

"Shut up! You're not Batman. With a delivery like that, you're not!" Sean yelled. "You want to know who's Batman? This is Batman."

 **(A clip from the** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **episode** _ **Nothing to Fear**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman!**_

"At least Kevin Conroy put a lot of effort into that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our first fight sequence in the movie and another bad ice pun from Mr. Freeze.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: You are not sending me to the cooler.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter #4**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Robin crashes through the wall leaving a perfect Robin symbol, I don't know why it did that. And then Mr. Freeze sends his hockey team henchmen. Let me repeat that. Hockey team henchmen to kill Batman and Robin.**

 _ **Robin: It's the hockey team from Hell!**_

"Oh, did I forget to mention that this movie is packed with cartoony sound effects? From what I've read, Joel Schumacher would sit on a crane with a microphone and yell before each take. He said and I quote: "Remember, everyone, this is a cartoon.". Uh, the only cartoon that I remember watching when I was a kid was this." Sean said as footage from Batman: The Animated Series starts playing.

 **(The opening to** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah,** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **. You probably recall me talking about it on my** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **review. And what they did with Mr. Freeze was brilliant. Mr. Freeze a.k.a. Mr. Zero debuted in the Batman comics back in 1959. In the Emmy-winning episode** _ **Heart of Ice**_ **, Paul Dini and Bruce W. Timm created a new backstory for the character that made him one of the most popular villains in the Batman franchise. He was one of the most infamous and tragic figures. Originally, he was Dr. Victor Fries, a scientist who failed to save the life of his terminally-ill wife. He was nearly killed in an accident and is forced to live in sub-zero temperatures, never again feel the warmth of the sun or the touch of another human hand. All that remains was a cold, emotionless shell of a man.**

"When I was a kid, I watched that episode and it was some pretty heavy shit for a kid's show. And I loved it." Sean said.

 **(More footage from the** _ **Batman: TAS**_ **episode** _ **Heart of Ice**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After this episode aired, they stuck with the backstory of Mr. Freeze. They used it in the comics,** _ **Batman: Arkham City**_ **and to Schumacher's credit, they used the Mr. Freeze backstory in the movie. Also, Mr. Freeze was played brilliantly by the late Michael Ansara in the animated series.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze (Voiced by the late Michael Ansara): Yes. It would move me to tears if I still had tears to shed.**_

"Well, at least Michael Ansara's Mr. Freeze doesn't whip out any bad ice puns, unlike Schwarzenegger." Sean said.

 _ **Mr. Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #5**

"Oh, for the love of…" Sean fills his shot glass up once more then takes another shot. "I swear, I'm gonna be drunk throughout this whole review."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Freeze makes his escape in his rocket, but Batman drops in to stop him with Robin climbing on the rocket. Mr. Freeze freezes Batman's hands to trap him inside the rocket that's going up into space.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Freeze well.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #6**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Freeze escapes by jumping out of the rocket. Robin saves Batman and they escape the rocket after Batman blows it up with a Batbomb. Just go with it. Batman and Robin pursue Mr. Freeze and Robin being the dumbass that he is tries to stop Mr. Freeze but Freeze ends up freezing him in his tracks.**

 **Mr. Freeze: Stay cool, Birdboy.**

 **Ice Pun Counter: #7**

After hearing another ice pun being uttered by Mr. Freeze, Sean takes another shot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Freeze escapes and Batman thaws out Robin. Meanwhile, at a clichéd mad scientist lab, we see a botanist named Dr. Pamela Isley, played by Uma Thurman, learns that her boss Dr. Jason Woodrue, played by John Glover from Smallville.**

"Wait a minute. Dr. Jason Woodrue. The Floronic Man! He was the main villain in _Batman & Harley Quinn_. I know that Mr. Freeze is the main villain in this film, is he going to be the second villain in the movie?" Sean asked as the buzzer buzzes. "You're scum, movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Dr. Isley's boss is experimenting with a new drug called Venom. He would use that formula to turn a serial murder named Antonio Diego into a deadly walking giant known as Bane, he's played by the late Jeep Swenson, a former pro wrestler.**

"You're all familiar with Bane, right? Well, brace yourselves, folks. You might know him in the Batman comic _Knightfall_ , the one where he broke the Bat. You might know him in the _Batman Arkham_ series, _Injustice_ , _Injustice 2_ , his brief appearance in the animated series and most notably in _The Dark Knight Rises_. Well, before Tom Hardy's Bane, we got Jeep Swenson's Bane. And this was Bane's first big screen appearance and boy this version of Bane is so lame. I have a lot of problems with it. Now, let's do a comparison of Bane. Let's take a look at Henry Silva's Bane from the animated series.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Adventures of Batman & Robin**_ **episode** _ **Bane**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Bane (Voiced by Henry Silva): I will break you!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Now, let's take a look at Jeep Swenson's Bane.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bane (Played by the late Jeep Swenson) Grrr!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Let's take a look at Tom Hardy's Bane from** _ **The Dark Knight Rises**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Dark Knight Rises**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bane (Played by Tom Hardy): Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) And let's take a look at Jeep Swenson's Bane.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bane: (While driving to Gotham Observatory) Grrr. Step.**_

"God, this Bane is terrible." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Isley finds out about his plans and tells Dr. Woodrue that he's insane and that he must be stopped and he's taking that pretty well.**

 _ **Dr. Jason Woodrue (Played by John Glover): I'm afraid you'll have to die.**_

 **(He then pushes Dr. Isley into many chemicals and laughs maniacally. He then knocks a table with chemicals on top as Dr. Isley screams as the toxins hit her)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Poison Ivy is born. She's like Ember Evergreen from** _ **Project Mc2**_ **, but sexier and deadlier, and she has the power to control plant life and she has a kiss to die for. Literally.**

 **(Poison Ivy kisses Dr. Woodrue)**

 _ **Poison Ivy (Played by Uma Thurman) I am nature's arm. Her spirit. Her will. Hell, I am Mother Nature. And the time has come for plants to take back the world so rightfully ours, because it's not nice to fool with Mother Nature.**_

"Sounds like Ember Evergreen in a few years. Instead of her tagline, "I'm a force of nature." It should be "Hell, I am Mother Nature."" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) She then finds that Wayne Enterprises funded Dr. Woodrue so her and Bane fly down to Gotham. Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, Bruce and Dick get an unlikely visitor.**

 **(Sexy porn music starts playing in the background)**

"Wowzah." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.

 **(A clip from Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **plays)**

 _ **Alexander Knox (Played by Robert Wuhl): Hello, legs.**_

 _ **Dick Grayson: Please be looking for me.**_

 _ **Barbara Wilson (Played by Alicia Silverstone): Actually, I'm looking for Alfred Pennyworth.**_

A disgusted look appeared on Sean's face and the record scratches and also heard is the sound of glass breaking. "Ewww! Please tell me that Alfred's not taking Viagra so he could bang that smoking hot college girl."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, that's Alfred's niece Barbara Wilson, she's played by Alicia Silverstone from** _ **Clueless**_ **and the Fox Family animated series** _ **Braceface**_ **. And oh, boy. I have a lot of problems. Instead of Barbara as Commissioner Gordon's daughter, they made her as Alfred's niece.**

"What happened to her parents you might ask? They were killed in a car accident and she's an orphan." Sean said.

 _ **Barbara Wilson: Uncle Alfred.**_

"Uh, she's flown in from England. Wait, shouldn't she have British accent?" Sean asked.

 _ **Barbara Wilson: Uh, the new computer sciences division.**_

"She has an American accent!" Sean yelled.

 **(A clip from** _ **Napoleon Dynamite**_ **plays)**

 _ **Napoleon Dynamite (Played by Jon Heder): Idiot!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Mr. Freeze is hiding out in his neon-lit ice cream factory and his spends most of his time conducting an orchestra of Eskimo henchmen to sing the Snow Miser song from** _ **A Year Without a Santa Claus.**_

"Christ, remember when we could take Mr. Freeze seriously?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Batman: TAS**_ **episode** _ **Heart of Ice**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: This is how I'll always remember you. Surrounded by winter, forever young, forever beautiful. Rest well, my love. The monster who took you from me will soon learn that revenge is a dish best serve cold.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Batman Beyond**_ **episode** _ **Meltdown**_ **plays)**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Remember, there might be some momentary discomfort.**_

 **(Mr. Freeze freezes Dr. Stephanie Lake and she screams)**

"If only Batman & Robin had been made by the guys behind Batman: The Animated Series, it would've been cool." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Poison Ivy arrives in Gotham City and she heads down to Gotham Observatory and…HOLY CHEAP DISGUISE, BATMAN!**

"You have got to be kidding me?! Oh, yeah! Bane looks totally inconspicuous in that disguise. Nobody is gonna notice. Hell, in _The Adventures of Batman & Robin_, Bane wore a suit for his meeting with Rupert Thorne. I didn't have a problem with it but with this one, I do have a problem with it. Raphael from _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ had a better disguise than him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Gotham Observatory, where Wayne Enterprises is donating the world's most advanced telescope to Gotham Observatory's restoration project, Ivy briefly reassuming her identity as Dr. Isley makes a proposition for Wayne Enterprises to go green, but Bruce has found some flaws.**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: No diesel fuel for heat, no coolants to preserve food. Millions of people would die of cold and hunger alone.**_

 _ **Dr. Pamela Isley: Acceptable losses in the battle to save the planet.**_

"Wow, millions of people would die and you call it acceptable losses? Okay, I change what I said about Ember Evergreen from _Project Mc2_ , she's a much better environmentalist than you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bruce tells Dr. Isley to take that proposal and shove it up where the sun don't shine, but Dr. Isley's not done with her plan.**

 _ **Dr. Pamela Isley: Batman and Robin. Militant arm of the warm-blooded oppressors.**_

Sean makes a confused look on his face and looks around the room while Dr. Isley is talking to herself. "Uh, lady. Who the hell are you talking to? There's no one there."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut back to Mr. Freeze's hideout where we see Mr. Freeze watching a wedding video of himself and his wife Nora before she was terminally ill and before he became Mr. Freeze. A henchman interrupts Freeze with some news.**

 **(Mr. Freeze freezes the henchman. His hat flies off of his head, making a cartoony sound)**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: I hate when people talk during the movie.**_

"You're really starting to piss me off, Schwarzenegger." Sean said, glaring evily at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Freeze reads the newspaper article about Bruce Wayne loaning diamonds to the Flower Ball charity event at Gotham Botanical Gardens and Mr. Freeze puts his plan into action. Meanwhile, we see that the Dynamic Duo is attending a charity event fundraiser.**

"Okay, look here. Batman used to operate in the shadows and hides from the limelight and steal any photographs of him. He's now making public appearances? Let me guess, does he visit sick children at a children's hospital?" Sean asked.

"Well, Batman actors do that a lot." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Poison Ivy arrives and she blows a hypnotizing perfume that makes men bow to her every will. And we come to the most infamous part of the movie that made the Nostalgia Critic lose his shit.**

"If you guys want me to stop here and continue this in part 2, then I will. Okay, don't say that I warn you. Go ahead, play it. Here it is, Batman and Robin bidding over Poison Ivy." Sean said.

 _ **Batman: $1 million.**_

 _ **Robin: $2 million.**_

 _ **Batman: You don't have it. $3 million.**_

 _ **Robin: I'll borrow it from you. $4 million.**_

 _ **Batman: $5 million.**_

 _ **Robin: $6 million.**_

 _ **Batman: $7 million. (Pulls out the Bat-credit card) Never leave the cave without it.**_

"Nope, nope. Nope. I'm not gonna do it. Oh, yeah. You're all expecting me to flip out like the Nostalgia Critic over that. Look, I'm 26 and I'm mature enough not to flip out over things like this." Sean said with a smile on the face.

 **Audience: (Shouts) Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card! Bat-credit card!**

"SHUT UP! GODDAMN IT! SHUT UP! Batman is not supposed to have a Bat-credit card. They had the cojones to give my favorite superhero a Bat-credit card! You sons of bitches, I'm gonna kill somebody!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out a baseball bat while two men in black agents try to restrain him.

 **(A placecard reads 20 Minutes Later while Parachute Express'** _ **Dr. Loony's Remedy**_ **starts playing)**

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am terribly sorry for that outburst. It was childish and immature. I though I was mature enough to handle this kind of thing. I mean, it just pisses me off just to see….A BAT-CREDIT CARD!" Sean yelled out and starts babbling incoherently while an MIB agent runs in the room and tackles him out of his seat to restrain him.

 **(A placecard reads Seven Hours Later while** _ **Dr. Loony's Remedy**_ **continues to play)**

"Ah, there's nothing better than writing a smutty _Project Mc2/American Housewife_ crossover story involving McKeyla McAllister and Taylor Otto just to calm my nerves." Sean said.

"Sean, you're on." Dave, Sean's cameraman said as Sean looks at the camera and stops typing on his laptop.

"Right. Okay, now that I'm calm down. Let's not talk about the you-know-what ever again. Let's continue on with this review." Sean said.

"A Bat-what? Who wrote this fucking movie?!" Brian asked.

"Akiva Goldsman. He's the same guy who worked on screenplays for other Joel Schumacher films such as _The Client, Batman Forever_ and _A Time to Kill_." Sean said.

"Oh, shit." Brian said, making a face palm.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing the card-that-must-not-be-named, Mr. Freeze crashes the party and….**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: All right, everyone. Chill.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #8**

"Son of a bitch! At least let me finish up with what I say before you whip out another ice pun, you cold-hearted bastard!" Sean exclaimed as he takes another shot. "Alright, now…"

Sean pauses as he feels the effects from the alcohol hitting him.

"Dude?" Brian asked.

"I'm fine. Let's continue with this review." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Robin chase Mr. Freeze through the streets of Gotham and Batman manages to capture 'ol Frosty. And I do not want to know what he was doing to him underneath that cape. After capturing Freeze and sending him to Arkham Asylum, Robin is angry because he wanted to get Mr. Freeze.**

 _ **Robin: Sometimes counting on someone else is the only way you win.**_

"And most of Robin's dialogue consists of him whining like a little bitch." Sean said.

 _ **Robin: You just can't stand that maybe she wanted me instead of you./It's your house. It's your rules./It's Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I'm sick of it./This is no partnership./I'm going solo./I want a Robin Signal in the sky./You're never going to trust me.**_

Sean starts mocking Robin. "Jeez, Robin was never a whiny little bitch on the animated series."

 **(A clip from** _ **The New Batman Adventures**_ **episode** _ **Old Wounds**_ **plays)**

 _ **Robin (Voiced by Loren Lester): You don't know him like I do. He manipulates, pulls strings, anything to get what he wants. /Things change, I changed! The game's over, Batman. I quit.**_

 _ **Batman: Robin, wait.**_

 **(Robin turns and punches Batman in the face)**

"They had to play up the camp here, not seriously at all." Brian said as Sean sighed in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Bruce is having dinner with his girlfriend Julie Madison, played by Australian model Elle Macpherson. She ends up proposing to Bruce, but Bruce having trouble getting Ivy off his mind. And then, this happens.**

 _ **Julie Madison (Played by Elle Macpherson): Who's Ivy?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Hmm? What?**_

 _ **Julie Madison: You just called me Ivy. Who's Ivy?**_

"Uh, did anyone hear Bruce call her Ivy? Okay, I've played this scene over and over many times and no, he didn't call her Ivy. Why didn't anyone catch that?!" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that nonsense, Dick discovers that Barbara has been sneaking out of the house to participate in dangerous drag races hosted by rapper Coolio. This nearly gets her killed, but alas Dick followed her to the race and saves her from becoming street pizza and the worst blue screen effect.**

 _ **Dick Grayson: So, this is where you hang out.**_

"Hey, hey, hey! There's too many ice puns from Schwarzenegger, we don't need any more from you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Barbara's been participating in drag races to raise money for Alfred, but that's not the reason why she's here to pay him back and she reveals a stunning secret about Alfred.**

 _ **Barbara Wilson: You honestly don't know, do you? How he's hiding the pain all the time? Alfred's sick.**_

"Jeez. Alfred's sick? Maybe he has the flu or something. I mean, come on, how sick could he possibly…." Sean said before he gets interrupted.

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Alfred's not sick. He's dying.**_

"Ooh! Okay, now I'm concerned for Alfred." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out, he's dying from MacGregor's Syndrome, the same condition that Mr. Freeze's wife Nora is dying from. Meanwhile at Arkham Asylum, we see that Mr. Freeze is in his cell, making a little ballerina music box. That's one point from the animated series, then he gets a visit from Poison Ivy and…what the hell? Is that Jesse Ventura?!**

 _ **Guard (Played by Jesse Ventura): Don't mind us, ma'am. You can speak freely.**_

"Okay, how many films has Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura starred in? Let's see, in 1987 there's Predator and The Running Man. And now Batman & Robin. You have the former Governor of Minnesota and the former Governor of California in the same film." Sean said, picking up his University of Kentucky shot glass and his bottle of Johnnie Walker. "I'm sorry, I'm gonna need a drink."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And big surprise, Poison Ivy and Bane break Mr. Freeze out of Arkham and make their escape. But Freeze needs his diamonds to power up his suit and Ivy agrees to pick them up and also pulling the plug on his wife to leave her for dead. Batman and Robin go after Poison Ivy but they….**

 _ **Batman: No beauty.**_

 **(Bane appears)**

 _ **Bane: Grrr!**_

 _ **Robin: Just the beast.**_

"I swear to Christ, if I hear one more bad pun, I don't know what I'm gonna do but I will go Bat-shit insane. Trust me on that one." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Robin try to fight Bane, but Poison Ivy uses her hypnotizing perfume on Batman and Robin, and what do you know, they end up fighting over her while she makes her escape. God, this movie is fucking lame.**

 _ **Robin: You have some real issues with women, you know that? You just couldn't stand that she was going to kiss me and not you.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Ivy returns to their hideout, she gives Mr. Freeze some bad news about his wife, telling him that Batman killed her, and Freeze vows to get his revenge on Gotham.**

"I bet he's going to say a line so clichéd like "First Gotham, and then the world.", right?" Sean asked.

 _ **Mr. Freeze: First…Gotham, and then…THE WORLD!**_

"Holy shit. This movie's so bad, that I predicted the next line for the character. Look at what this movie did to me." Sean said as he looks around the room, then looked at the camera. "Ten out of ten. Ten out of ten. 100 out of 100. Best film. Best film."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, we see that Alfred, played by the late Michael Gough, is in stage one of MacGregor's Syndrome and Bruce worries for the man who took care of him. And next, we get more of Bruce and Dick bickering like a married couple. You know, this is turning into a bad episode of** _ **Mad About You**_ **.**

 _ **Dick Grayson: You just want her for yourself, don't you?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Yes. I want her so badly, I can taste it.**_

 _ **Dick Grayson: She loves me and not you, and it's driving you crazy.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: She's clouded your mind, and you're not thinking straight.**_

 _ **Dick Grayson: Oh, but I am for the first time in a long time.**_

"Okay, I'm gonna have to do this because this is definitely a bad episode of Mad About You." Sean said.

 **(A** _ **Mad About You**_ **-style intro starts playing with the song** _ **Final Frontier**_ **starts playing with photos of Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson being shown)**

"Hold it, hold it, hold it. Did Bruce say to Dick that he's not thinking straight? Sorry if it's my immature mind but is he implying that Dick is gay? Look, I don't have anything against gay people, I respect the LGBT community and I am not going to offend people. Well, George Clooney said in an interview with Barbara Walters back in 2006 that in _Batman & Robin_, he played Batman as gay. He said and I quote: "I was in a rubber suit and I had rubber nipples. I could have played Batman straight, but I made him gay." Hell, there are also bisexual characters in the Batman franchise. In 2015, Selina Kyle was confirmed to be bisexual in Catwoman issue #39. Harley Quinn was also revealed to be bisexual. Which reminds me, I have to work on my _Batman: The Animated Series_ smutty fanfic involving Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Barbara decides to hack into Alfred's computer and after figuring out the easy password. Oh, great job Al. She finds her way into the Batcave where she is greeted by Alfred, who's turned into** _ **Max Headroom**_ **. For those of you who don't know what the show is, you guys are too young. And Alfred jus happened to prepare a crime-fighting suit for Barbara, in case she found her way down here.**

 _ **Barbara Wilson: Suit me up, Uncle Alfred.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Barbara suits up for action as Batgirl, and yes her Batsuit needs bat-nipples on it. Meanwhile, Robin arrives at Poison Ivy's lair and she tells Robin about Mr. Freeze's plan to turn Gotham City into a giant ice cube. And then, here's something you never thought you'd see in this movie, Robin kissing a girl!**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: No, Robin, no! You're just confused!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Poison Ivy fails to kill the Boy Wonder due to him wearing rubber lips and then he becomes a dumbass in distress. Batman comes in to save the day but he ends up getting caught in Ivy's vines. But wait….**

 **(Music from** _ **Tekken 3**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (V/O in his announcer voice): A new challenger enters!**

 **(Batgirl crashes through the skylight)**

 _ **Batgirl: You're about to become compost.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a fight between Batgirl and Poison Ivy. If you want to call it a fight. She ends up defeating Poison Ivy by knocking her into her own man-eating plant.**

 _ **Poison Ivy: CURSES!**_

"Curses? Really? Can you be really campy enough? It's bad enough that this movie is extremely campy. Wait, let me camp it up some more with words like drat, fiddlesticks, tartar sauce! Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed as he pulls out a bag of Grippo's barbecue potato chips and starts eating. "You just made me comfort eat, movie. I never comfort eat."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batgirl saves Batman and Robin and she reveals her secret identity.**

 _ **Batgirl: Bruce, it's me, Barbara.**_

 **(Roger Lodge from TruTv's** _ **World's Dumbest**_ **pops up next to Batgirl)**

 _ **Roger Lodge: Oh, really? No (beep).**_

"How dumb do you think they are?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at Gotham Observatory, Mr. Freeze puts his plan into action by turning the giant telescope into a giant freeze ray to freeze Gotham.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Tonight…Hell freezes over!**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #9**

"Nope, nope. I'm not taking another shot. I need to sober up a bit. I can't do this review while drunk." Sean said as he picks up a can of Cherry 7Up and opens it to take a sip.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Freeze freezes city…**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Let's kick some ice.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #10**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You asshole. He freezes the city and turns everyone into an ice cube, including blatant product placement for Taco Bell and a bulldog about to piss on a fire hydrant.**

"Fuck it! Give me the bottle, I need a drink to this WTF moment." Sean said as he grabs the bottle of Johnnie Walker and drinks from it.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Freeze is freezing the city, Batman, Robin and Batgirl arrive in their new Bat-vehicles and I know that I forgot to mention this, this movie is one big toy commercial. Warner Bros. didn't care for the movie, all they care about is selling toys.**

"Hey, kids. You want a Batman and Robin action figure? You got one. You want a Mr. Freeze action figure, you got one. You want the new flashy Batmobile? Here you go! You want the Bathammer? You got it. We got toys here, we got toys there, we got toys every-fucking-where!" Sean yelled.

 **(A clip from** _ **Spaceballs**_ **plays)**

 _ **Yogurt (Played by Mel Brooks): Merchandising! Merchandising!**_

"Hey, they wanted a Batman to appeal to all children. Be careful what you fucking wish for because you got it." Sean said, taking another sip from his bottle of Johnnie Walker. "What happened to the Batman film franchise, it was serious and dark and then it turned into a fucking toy commercial. It brings my piss to a boil. And you want to know what's funny? You want to know what's fucking funny? They made a Batman & Robin video game for the PSOne that sucks balls!"

 _ **Mr. Freeze: YOU LIE!**_

 **(Footage from the Playstation game** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. There's a** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **video game for the Playstation. It's based on the movie and it was developed by Probe Entertainment and published by now defunct Acclaim Entertainment. I've never played the game mostly because I owned a Nintendo 64 when I was young and I still have my Nintendo but I have seen footage from the game and good lord. It's a trainwreck like the movie.**

 _ **Barbara Wilson: It's really ridiculous.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Dynamic Trio arrive at the observatory and plan to thaw out the city in some science babble I'm not gonna describe, that is until the King of Ice Puns show up.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Tonight's forecast: a freeze is coming.**_

 **Ice Pun Counter: #11**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, then we get a lame fight scene and over the top stunts. Robin and Batgirl fall off of the giant telescope after Freeze takes control of it.**

 **Robin: (Catches Batgirl) I got you!**

 **(A clip from** _ **Superman: The Movie**_ **plays)**

 _ **Lois Lane (Played by Margot Kidder): You got me? Who's got you?**_

"Hey, at least Superman was a better movie than Batman & Robin." Sean said.

 _ **Mr. Freeze: I find that unlikely.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Batman is fighting Mr. Freeze, Robin and Batgirl contend with Bane and they pretty much take him down easily by pulling out his venom tube.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Bane) You can't do this to me! I am invincible! (Voice changes to normal I…am…Bane!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman defeats Mr. Freeze with his lame pun.**

 _ **Batman: Hey, Freeze. The heat is on.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And he uses the telescope to thaw out the city. Freeze seems like he lost but he has a Plan B.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: (While detonating his icicle bombs) Bombs away, Batman.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Freeze blows up the giant telescope and he says this to Batman.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Freeze in Hell, Batman!**_

"Oh, come on! That didn't even make any sense. If you want to whip out a good ice pun, at least say something like this: "Have a cold day in Hell, Batman!" A stunned look appears on Sean's face after he realizes what he's done. "Holy shit. I just said a bad ice pun. Because of so many ice puns in this movie, it made me say a bad ice pun!"

 **(Sean gets up from out of his seat and starts dancing, switching to Parachute Express'** _ **Dr. Looney's Remedy**_ **and scenes from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Singing)** _ **Whoa! Whoa! Dr. Looney will you fix him up? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! All you got to do is put in the groove. Stir up the brew. Make it boil and bubble. Spread it around now that you've found Dr. Looney's remedy. Pick up your knees. High as you please. Dance away your troubles. Now stick out your tongue and say "Aah Aah Aah". You feel better!**_

"Great job, movie. You sent me back to my childhood!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes managed to thaw out the city. Batman shows Freeze a recording of Poison Ivy during her fight with Batgirl, informing her that she killed Freeze's wife. Batman tells him that she's still alive and asks him for the cure that he created for stage one of MacGregor's Syndrome and with a change of heart, he does. Mr. Freeze is taken to Arkham Asylum and he's Poison Ivy's cellmate and he gets his vengeance on her. And they all live happily ever after.**

"But wait, what about Alfred? Will Alfred live?" Sean asked.

 _ **Alfred Pennyworth (Played by the late Michael Gough): Rather disappointed at how poorly I have taught you proper housekeeping. (Smiles) And quite well, it seems! Thanks to you, son.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Great, so Alfred is cured. But what to do with Barbara?**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: You are going back to school.**_

 _ **Dick Grayson: Bruce, you're never going to win this argument.**_

 _ **Barbara Wilson: Partners?**_

 _ **Dick Grayson: Partners.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Partners.**_

 _ **Alfred Pennyworth: We're going to need a bigger cave.**_

"So, the moral of today's story is…fuck it, there is no moral to the story. THIS MOVIE SUCKS BALLS! Hell, _Batman & Robin_ was a giant pile of Bat-guano. It was a gigantic Bat-bomb!" Sean yelled.

 _ **Robin: Bat-bomb?**_

"That's right, a major Bat-bomb. After this movie's release, you know that there was negative reception for the movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a horrible Mr. Freeze. George Clooney makes a horrible Batman. I just hope that his wife Amal doesn't stumble upon this film. I like Uma Thurman but I would rather stick with the Poison Ivy in the animated series, the comics, _Injustice 2_ and the _Batman Arkham_ series. And don't you even think about pulling the _Batman Triumphant_ card on me. Oh, yeah. I know about _Batman Triumphant_! That would've been a better film than _Batman & Robin_. But hey, at least we got a better Batman movie a year later." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the trailer of** _ **Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Batman: If I'm not back in time, go without me.**_

 _ **Robin: But wait!**_

 **(An explosion is heard)**

 _ **Dr. Gregory Belson (Voiced by George Dzundza): Look out!**_

 _ **Robin: Barbara!**_

 **(Barbara screams)**

 **Announcer:** _ **Sub-Zero.**_

"Don't worry, I'll review that when the time's come. Anyway, do I have anything to say about _Batman & Robin_? Yeah, stay as far away as possible from this movie. That's why I'm giving it 1 batarang out of 5. That's it for today, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Tune in next time when I review a movie that I enjoyed from my childhood. And of course I'm talking about Don Bluth's _All Dogs Go to Heaven_. At least I'm reviewing something go…." Sean said before he gets interrupted again.

 **(A clip from the trailer of** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **plays)**

 _ **Announcer: Superman IV. His most important adventure. The Quest for Peace.**_

"Oh, crap!" Sean yelled as he slams his head down on the desk repeatedly.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **The Iceman cometh!**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic becomes a glutton for punishment when he reviews another horrible superhero movie,** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **. Pray for the Mayhem Critic, folks. Will he handle it? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Sorry, if I didn't add anymore ice puns. There's a lot in the movie and it would be a pain to keep count. LOL. If there's any movie or television show that you want me to review or if you want to co-review a movie with me, feel free to PM me or just reply in the comments section. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	17. Episode Fourteen: Superman IV

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well, in this continuation of the last chapter, Sean the Mayhem Critic thought that his next review was going to be Don Bluth's animated classic** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **. But instead, he's reviewing** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **. Another horrible superhero movie. Will the Mayhem Critic end up raging throughout this whole movie? We'll find out today in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax, grab yourself a cold one and enjoy.**

 **P.S: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources. Superman is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.**

 **Episode Fourteen**

 **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**

Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, is seen once again sitting behind his desk. This time, he is seen hitting his head on his desk repeatedly and stops before giving out his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and I am a glutton for punishment. I mean, why am I the one that has to punish myself for reviewing bad movies. Can't I just review a good movie like Oscar-winner Jordan Peele's _Get Out_ or _Thor: Ragnarok_? Hell, I'll take _Wonder Woman_. But why this movie? Because I fucking hate myself! That's why! Well, here it is. Before there was _Batman & Robin_, there was _Superman IV: The Quest for Peace_."

 **(The title card of** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **is shown)**

"Boy, this film's going to get me a fucking headache. Linkara and the Nostalgia Critic reviewed this movie and so did Sir Buckethead and Sean Moore a.k.a. Smeghead from Cinematic Excrement reviewed this movie and their honest thoughts about this movie was that it's horrendous. And now, you're going to see how I feel about this movie." Sean said. "Roll that footage."

 **(Footage from** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **was released on July 24** **th** **, 1987 and it was distributed by Warner Bros. and The Cannon Group, Inc. and it was directed by** _ **Iron Eagle**_ **director Sidney J. Furie, a Canadian film director. And what I have to say about this movie is that it was doomed from the start.**

"But before I talk about _Superman IV_ , let's travel back to forty years ago. It's a good place to start." Sean said.

 **(The title card for** _ **Superman**_ **shows up and the** _ **Superman**_ **theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Superman**_ **was release on December 18** **th** **, 1978. Directed by** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **and** _ **The Omen**_ **director Richard Donner and produced by Alexander and Ilya Salkind. It starred the late Marlon Brando as Jor-El, Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor and the late Christopher Reeve as the title character Superman/Clark Kent. Superman was the first movie to portray the Man of Steel in a serious light. The story was stronger, the performances were excellent and the characters were much likeable. The movie was a critical and financial success and it made a whole lot of money. The movie was also nominated for three Academy Awards, including Best Film Editing for Stuart Baird, Best Original Score for the great John Williams and Best Sound. Did I mention that the movie has a memorable soundtrack? Yeah, the** _ **Superman**_ **theme was really iconic. Hell, who doesn't love** _ **Superman**_ **because of the theme music? After the success of Superman, a sequel was made.** _ **Superman II**_ **was filmed at the same time.**

 **(The title card for** _ **Superman II**_ **, the Richard Lester-directed version is shown along with footage from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Although, there was tension between Donner and the Salkinds. So, Richard Donner was fired and the Salkinds brought in director Richard Lester, who's known for directing the films** _ **Cuba**_ **,** _ **The Three Musketeers**_ **,** _ **Robin and Marian**_ **,** _ **The Four Musketeers**_ **,** _ **Juggernaut**_ **…**

 **(A photo of Juggernaut from** _ **X-Men**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, not that Juggernaut. The movie with a bomber trying to blow up an ocean liner.**

 **(The poster for the 1974 film** _ **Juggernaut**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) There we go. This resulted in a few changes of Superman II and Lester reshot several scenes that Donner had already completed. There was also some tension between the Salkinds and the actors who felt that Richard Donner had been treated unfairly, including Margot Kidder and Gene Hackman. In fact, Hackman refused to return for reshoots of the film, so Lester instead used a stunt double and an impersonator to loop Luthor's lines onto footage of Hackman shot by Donner. In spite of production difficulties,** _ **Superman II**_ **was eventually finished and was released in 1980. It was also a huge hit and also my favorite in the** _ **Superman**_ **film series.**

 **(The title screen for** _ **Superman II**_ **is shown and footage from the film plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In 1983,** _ **Superman III**_ **was released one June 17** **th** **, 1983. Richard Lester once again took the director's chair. This one was different than the last two.** _ **Superman III**_ **focused more on comedy. In this one, Richard Pryor is in it. Yes, really. Richard Pryor. He plays Gus Gorman, a bumbling computer wiz. This one felt more like Richard Pryor stole most of the show and Superman was a guest star. Oh, did I mention that Annette O' Toole from Stephen King's** _ **It**_ **and** _ **Smallville**_ **plays Lana Lang, Clark Kent's high school crush. The main villain of the film is played by the late Robert Vaughn, he plays multimillionaire Ross Webster, a replacement for Lex Luthor. The film made a decent amount of money but it's nowhere near as successful as the first two and the critics were not kind to it. So, then the Salkinds, being the money-grubbing assholes that they are decided to do a spin-off of the Superman films after Superman III and that movie was** _ **Supergirl**_ **.**

 **(A photo of Melissa Benoist as Supergirl pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and chuckles) You wish. Not the TV show. This was before Melissa Benoist as Supergirl. I'm talking about the 1984 film starring Helen Slater as the title character.**

 **(The title card for** _ **Supergirl**_ **is shown as well as footage from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film was released on July 19** **th** **, 1984 and it was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, who also directed** _ **Jaws 2, Somewhere in Time**_ **and** _ **Santa Claus: The Movie**_ **. And this movie sucked. I saw it when I was young and I didn't care for it. I thought it was boring.**

"Wait, why am I talking about _Supergirl_? I'm supposed to be talking about _Superman IV_." Sean said.

 **(Footage from three of the** _ **Superman**_ **films are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the mixed to negative reaction to** _ **Superman III**_ **, Reeve and the producers assumed that** _ **Superman**_ **was done for. Two years later, the Salkinds sold the rights to Golan-Globus of Cannon Films, who I mentioned on my** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **review. And the producers made Reeve an offer he can't refuse.**

"And that offer is to do a fourth _Superman_ movie and a little film called Street Smart. And it was a better film than _Superman IV_." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **Superman IV**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And with Gene Hackman along for the ride,** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **was shat out. And this being a Cannon film, they have a really shitty budget for this movie.**

 _ **Superman (Played by the late Christopher Reeve): It's not fair.**_

"So, let's see if the Israeli saviors Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus "saved" the day or put a bullet in this film series' brains. More like blowing the series' brains out. This is _Superman IV: The Quest for Peace_." Sean said as he starts the review.

 **(The opening credits starts)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So our film opens with….WAIT!**

"Before I go on, remember the opening credits from Richard Donner's _Superman_ and the opening credits from _Superman II_ where we get that epic feeling when we watch the opening credits? Well, the third film's opening credits sucked. I just hoped that the opening credits for _Superman IV_ are much better. I mean, they probably have a budget of $36 million for visual effects and the opening credits alone. Right? Right?" Sean asked with a worried look on his face.

 **(As the opening credits start, a horrified look appears on Sean's face as he sees how horrible the opening credits look and covers his mouth with his hand)**

"Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus. What happened? Did Golan-Globus have a budget of $2 bucks for this opening title?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The only thing I like about the opening credits was that they used the comic book font for the title of the movie. But God, these opening titles are so bad, it's like they used them for an event at US Bank Arena.**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Sunday, don't miss the Monster Truck Rally and Demolition Derby at US Bank Arena with special guest Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the film was written by Christopher Reeve and it was co-written by Lawrence Konner & Mark Rosenthal. Konner & Rosenthal also wrote the screenplay for **_**Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country**_ **. Lawrence Konner wrote three episodes of** _ **The Sopranos**_ **and him and Mark Rosenthal also worked on the 2016 remake of the miniseries** _ **Roots**_ **, which starred** _ **Dog With a Blog's**_ **G. Hannelius. After the sucky opening credits, the film opens with Russians…. (speaking in a deep, echoing voice) IN SPAAA….**

"I'm sorry. This movie is not worthy of a "Russians in Space" joke. I can't do it. Forget it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see a Russian cosmonaut singing in Russian and is working on the capsule until….**

 **(The Russian cosmonaut is hit by space debris, sending him flying)**

"See? This is what happens when you litter in space." Sean said.

 **(A commercial from the** _ **Don't Trash Louisiana**_ **PSA with John Goodman is shown)**

 _ **John Goodman: Hey, litter's for losers. So slam dunk your trash into the nearest can and keep things clean at home or wherever you are. Don't trash Louisiana.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But alas, Superman is here to save the day. And to show how shitty Cannon's budget for the film was they reuse the shot of Superman flying to the camera over and over and over and over and over again, so get used to it.**

 _ **Superman: (Speaking in Russian) You'll be safer singing in here.**_

"Now, I would make a big deal about Superman speaking in Russian in space. I know that in _Superman II_ , General Zod and Ursa were talking in space. And you know what, I don't have a problem with this scene. It just demonstrates diversity. Superman belongs to the world and that's the most important theme of the movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Smallville. Thank you movie for letting us know that it's Smallville. I can see it on the realty sign. We see that Clark Kent is returning to his family farm because his mother died in between films. He goes into the barn and finds the old spaceship that brought him to Earth and glowing green crystal with a message from his mother Lara, voiced by the late Susannah York.**

 _ **Lara (Voiced by the late Susannah York): Listen carefully, my son. By now, Kal-El you are entering the atmosphere of the planet known as Earth. I pray you have made a safe journey. The yellow sun of your new home will give you great physical powers. But it cannot console your spirit.**_

"Unless he receives an overdose of solar radiation. What? Haven't you ever seen or read _All-Star Superman_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark pulls out the green crystal and it could be only used once. That's about all we know. And that'll be our Deus Ex machina for the film. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor, played by Gene Hackman is serving his time in prison doing hard labor and joined Bosley because he grew some hair. And while the guards are telling him to get back to work, we get (deep voice) the most annoying character in the world.**

 _ **Lenny Luthor (Played by Jon Cryer): Yo, jeez! Where in the hell is this and how the hell do I get to Cedar City.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lenny Luthor. Lex Luthor's nephew. He's played by Jon Cryer from Two and a Half Men. And God, this I hate this character. He has a tendency to talk." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.

 _ **Lenny Luthor: Oh, no./The Dude of Steel. Boy, you're gonna get it./You can make a toupee that flies./Yeah, you're just an experiment, freako!**_

Sean pulls out a bottle of Heineken beer, opening it up and takes a sip. "That's right, I have a six pack of Heineken because this is going to be a long review."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two guards get into the car and Lenny controls the car via remote control, driving the car off the cliff and…**

 **(The car with the two guards drive off of the cliff, then cuts to Lenny and Lex without seeing an explosion)**

"Wait a minute. Play that back." Sean said.

 **(The scene plays back again)**

"Oh, so I guess they couldn't afford a decent explosion? They spent that budget on the crappy opening titles and the shot of Superman flying towards the camera and bad visual effects. And another thing, what kind of dumbass name is Lenny. Oh, wait, there's a character named Lenny on _The Simpsons_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Lex Luthor breaks out of prison. Big surprise. And what's the first thing on his agenda?**

 _ **Lex Luthor (Played by Gene Hackman) and Lenny Luthor: Destroy Superman!**_

"Oh, yeah. Since when has that plan ever worked? You tried to kill him with kryptonite in the first film and you tried to kill him with three renegade Kryptonians in the second film. You think that plan is going to work the third time?" Sean asked. "I know they say third times the charm, but in this case, I'd say no. And by the way, you got nothing better to do than to be an evil asshole. Dude, get a hobby. Write some smutty fanfiction. Write a smutty SuperCorp fanfic for _Supergirl_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Metropolis. Again movie, no need to tell us because I thought it was fucking New York City even though they filmed the Superman movies in New York. I know this is fucking Metropolis! We already know! We see Lois Lane, played by Margot Kidder, taking a subway trip to the Daily Planet and since it's a running gag in Superman, something bad happens to Lois and Superman has to save her.**

 **(The subway driver suffers a heart attack, causing the subway train to go out of control)**

"I guess that guy wanted out of the movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, the driver of the train has a heart attack, causing the train to go speeding out of control, but thankfully and unsurprisingly, Superman comes in to save the day.**

 **(Superman steps on the train track, causing the subway to stop)**

"Okay, is it just me or is Lois Lane just a glutton for trouble?" Sean asked.

 _ **Superman: I'd like all the people back there to know that our subway system is still the safest and most reliable means of public transportation.**_

"Depends on who you ask, big guy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark arrives at the Daily Planet, late as usual. He finds himself facing a magnitude of problems. And this is the first subplot of the movie. The Daily Planet is going bankrupt and it has been bought out by a sleazy publishing tycoon named David Warfield, played by the late Sam Wanamaker, along with his daughter Lacy, played by Mariel Hemingway, they plan to turn The Daily Planet into the 80s version of TMZ.**

 _ **Lacy Warfield (Played by Mariel Hemingway): (She shows Perry White mock copies of the Daily Planet's new layout) What I have here is some mock copies of our new layout. It's super, don't you think?**_

 _ **Clark Kent: Excuse me, Mr. Warfield. But, the world isn't really on the brink. Isn't that headline irresponsible?**_

 _ **David Warfield (Played by the late Sam Wanamaker): Maybe, but it'll sell a hell of a lot of newspapers.**_

 _ **Perry White (Played by the late Jackie Cooper): If you think I'm going to let you turn this grand old lady into one of your bimbos…**_

"Okay, to be honest with you, this subplot has nothing to do with the plot of the movie. This is just pointless filler for the sake of padding this movie longer." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark attempts to reason with Lacy, and it turns out that Lacy has a thing for the geeky, mild-mannered type.**

 _ **Lacy Warfield: He's kind of cute.**_

 _ **Lois Lane (Played by Margot Kidder): Look, Miss Warfield. Clark is the oldest living boy scout, okay? He's trustworthy, he's helpful, he's loyal, he's obedient, he…I don't know how to tell you this. I just don't think he'd be attracted to somebody like you.**_

 _ **Lacy Warfield: (Chuckles) Don't be silly. All men like me. I'm very, very rich.**_

"Oh, yeah. Like a hot blonde woman would be attracted to the geeky type." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless subplot, we cut to the President of the United States making an announcement on television.**

 _ **U.S. President (Played by the late Robert Beatty): …We have no choice but to strive to be second to none in the nuclear arms race.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then another subplot manages to sneak it's way into the movie, when we cut to a teacher, played by Jayne Brooke, talking to her students about the crisis.**

 _ **JFK High School Teacher (Played by Jayne Brooke): Now, I know you're all upset by the crisis.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as classmate) No, we're upset because Disney Channel cancelled** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **.**

 _ **JFK High School Teacher: The best thing we can do is to try to think positively. Now, is there anything we can do? Doesn't anyone have a suggestion? Alright, I'll make a suggestion.**_

"What the fuck do you expect them to answer? They're just kids! They don't know jack shit about politics. Do you think that they'll answer that question?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then one kid named Jeremy, played by Damian McLawhorn has the perfect solution.**

 _ **JFK High School Teacher: Jeremy? What do you think we could do about the crisis?**_

 _ **Student #1: He doesn't even know what's going on.**_

 _ **Jeremy (Played by Damian McLawhorn): I'd tell you who I'd write a letter to that would do some good.**_

"Who? The Power Rangers?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jeremy: No, Superman!**_

 _ **Museum Tour Guide (Played by Diana Hunter): Superman, the subject of our newest exhibit….**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell happened here? Go back." Sean said, playing back the footage.

 _ **Student #2: Who? Santa Claus?**_

 _ **Jeremy: No, Superman!**_

 **(Cuts to an exhibit of Superman)**

 _ **Museum Tour Guide: Superman, the subject of our newest exhibit….**_

"Okay, I did not edit this. This is how the movie plays right there. What the hell kind of transition is that? It feels like I accidentally hit the skip button on my remote." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean is sitting in the living room watching the movie** _ **Zombies**_ **. He's watching the** _ **Fired Up**_ **music sequence)**

 _ **Been waiting for this day to come and it was all so clear**_

 _ **Since I was a little girl I saw me standing….**_

 **(Sean accidentally hits the skip button on the DVD remote with his elbow, switching it to the scene where Zed and Addison are singing** _ **Someday**_ **)**

 _ **Someday**_

 _ **This could be. This could be ordinary**_

 _ **Someday**_

 _ **Could we be something extraordinary**_

 **Sean: Oh, crap. I did not mean to do that. Shoot!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Okay, folks. We're dealing with a lot of stuff here. A terrible story, horrible visual effects, pointless filler scenes that have absolutely nothing to the plot of the film and now poor editing." Sean said.

"Ugh, why did people want you to review this movie, man?" Brian asked, sipping his beer.

"Just to see me suffer." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Superman donated a strand of his hair, that can easily hold a 1000-pound load. A single strand of his hair!**

"Not only he has super strength, he has super strong hair." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After everybody leaves, Lex and Lenny plan to steal a strand of Superman's hair for his diabolical scheme.**

 **Lex Luthor: That hair is an example of Superman's genetic material. The building blocks of his body. With my genius and enough nuclear power to mutate the genes….**

"Uh, did Lex Luthor just say "nuke-u-lar."?" Sean asked after hearing Lex Luthor mispronounce the word "nuclear."

 **(A clip from the** _ **Pretty Little Liars**_ **episode** _ **Know Your Frenemies**_ **plays)**

 _ **Hanna Marin (Played by Ashley Benson): It's a bombshell, like in "nuke-u-lar."**_

 _ **Spencer Hastings (Played by Troian Bellisario): It's "nuclear." "Nuke-le-ar."**_

"What she said." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lex steals a strand of Superman's hair by cutting it with a pair of hedge-clippers. Are you freaking kidding me? Just a strand of Superman's hair can be easily cut by a pair of hedge-clippers very easily. The strand of hair is able to hold a 1000 lbs and you're able to cut it with a pair of hedge-clippers. How is that even possible?!**

"Oh, God! Can this movie be any stupider?" Sean asked, rubbing his temples in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Jeremy writes a letter and sends it to the Daily Planet, telling them to inform Superman that he needs to get rid of all of the nuclear weapons to ensure peace. Clark reads the letter while Lacy believes that she can make headlines off the kid's letter. And she does this….**

 **(We cut to David and Lacy Warfield throwing a press conference for Jeremy)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) By holding a freaking press conference on the kid?! Bitch, are you serious?!**

"Hell, TMZ wasn't that desperate for a story!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Jeremy: I just said I wish Superman would've said yes.**_

 _ **David Warfield: Did you get that?**_

 _ **Reporter: No, we didn't.**_

 _ **David Warfield: Well, say it again. Loudly.**_

 _ **Jeremy: I just said I wish Superman would've said yes!**_

 **(We cut to a shot of the newspaper with the headline saying: "Superman says 'drop dead' to kid!")**

"Okay, we all know that he didn't say that. I am going to mention this because of Golan & Globus being the stupid dumb assholes that they are, cut a few scenes from the film. And there was a scene where Superman visits Jeremy at his school and talks to him in response to his letter and all he did was denied the request of getting rid of all of the nuclear weapons. Why did they feel the need to remove that scene? It was necessary to the plot. This movie is just fucking with me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark becomes conflicted on what he should do, either he should interfere or not to interfere and let Earth suffer the same fate as Krypton. So, he goes to the Fortress of Solitude to consult with the Elders of Krypton.**

 _ **First Elder of Krypton (Played by the late David Garth): The Earth is too primitive. You can flee to new worlds where war is long forgotten.**_

 _ **Second Elder of Krypton (Played by the late Esmond Knight): If you teach the Earth to put it's fate in any one man even yourself, you're teaching them to be betrayed.**_

 _ **First Elder of Krypton: Betrayed...betrayed…betrayed…betrayed!**_

Sean laughs a bit from the First Elder of Krypton's exit. "Oh, my God. This guy is so over the top, they had to do the Kryptonian version of getting them off of the stage."

 **Sean (V/O as the First Elder of Krypton): Betrayed…betrayed…betrayed…betrayed!**

 **(The First Elder fades away)**

 **Sean: (V/O as the First Elder of Krypton) Wait! I wasn't even finished! Son of a bitch!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark is sitting in his apartment moping around because of issue of nuclear war, Lois stops by to accompany him to the press awards dinner. But before they leave, they've decide to talk for a bit out in the balcony for some fresh air.**

 _ **Lois Lane: (While they walk off the edge of Clark's patio) Clark? Clark? Clark, things aren't that bad! Clark, stop!**_

 **(Lois and Clark both fall off of the patio)**

 _ **Lois Lane: Oh, Clark! Clark! Clark!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Lois Lane) Save me from this horrible greenscreen effect!**

 **(Superman appears and catches Lois. Superman catches Lois, revealing his identity to her as she removes his glasses from off of his face)**

 _ **Lois Lane: Superman!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to piss me off some more, they rip off the flying sequence between Superman and Lois Lane from the first one. This is note for note the same fucking scene!**

 **(A picture of the Cannon Films logo and Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Cannon Films. We like to rip off movies, so fuck you!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After their flying date, Superman asks Lois some advice on how to make the world a better place and she says this…**

 _ **Lois Lane: You'll do the right thing, no matter what it is. You always have.**_

"I don't think Lois remembers what his real name is." Sean said with a grin on his face.

 _ **Lois Lane: Kal-El.**_

"The flying fuck?! How can she still remember what his name is? I thought that memory wipe kiss from Superman II is supposed to make her forget a thing. Let me guess, he used more tongue in the kiss, right? Is it possible that he used more tongue for the kiss? Look, here's a little lesson in filmmaking for you guys. It's called continuity. She wasn't supposed to remember!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And they rip off the memory wipe kiss from the second film. Well, it was pointless then and it is pointless now. Meanwhile, we cut to Superman going to the United Nations building after making his decision. Him and Jeremy enter the United Nations building and Jeremy exit stage right up outta here never to be seen again.**

"And I hope you guys are ready for me for what I'm about to show you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Superman's speech." Sean said. "Roll the clip."

 _ **Superman: For many years now, I've live among you as a visitor. As of today, I'm not a visitor any more. I can't stand idly by and watch as you stumble into the madness of possible nuclear destruction. And so I've come to a decision. I'm going to do what our governments have been unwilling or unable to do. Effective immediately, I'm going to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons.**_

 **(The UN audience bursts out in applause)**

"That was it? Boooo!" Brian yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Superman rids the world of all nuclear weapons and everyone is okay with this. The United States and the Soviet Union launch their nuclear missiles into space, where Superman catches them, puts them in a net and hurls them into the sun.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Spaceballs**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dark Helmet (Played by Rick Moranis): (Breaks the fourth wall) Anybody got that?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Lex Luthor has a meeting with three arms dealers. One arms dealer is played by Jim Broadbent from** _ **Harry Potter**_ **and** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **and… (Sean notices the fat man with glasses) That fat guy looks so familiar.**

 **(A clip from Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **plays)**

 _ **Lt. Eckhardt (Played by the late William Hootkins): I say… you're full of shit, Knox.**_

"Yep, that's the late William Hootkins, playing Harry Howler on Superman IV. Don't worry, at least he'll be in a better superhero movie." Sean said. "But he'll get shot by Jack Nicholson."

 _ **Jack Napier (Played by Jack Nicholson): Eckhardt! Think about the future.**_

 **(Jack shoots Eckhardt)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) These black market arms dealers plan to secretly re-arm the superpowers of the world with nuclear warheads and Lex has offered to help them by destroying Superman and he reveals his plan.**

 _ **Lex Luthor: Behold, my unscrupulous friends!**_

 **(Lex opens the blinds)**

 _ **Harry Howler (Played by the late William Hootkins): Shut those blinds, the sun is hurting my eyes!**_

 _ **Lex Luthor: You know what the sun is? It's nothing more than a huge nuclear bomb.**_

"Okay, first of all. The sun is a little bit more complicated than that. And second, the word is still "nuclear.", ya numbskull." Sean said, correcting Lex Luthor once more after he mispronounces "nuclear" once more.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lex reveals to the arms dealers by showing them some genetic goo that he concocted off-screen from Superman's hair and plans to put it aboard one of the missiles that will create the ultimate adversary for the Man of Steel. You know, movie. You should try explaining yourself.**

 _ **Lex Luthor: Superman will have the biggest surprise of his life. I'll introduce him to his first nightmare, a "Nuclear Man."**_

Sean throw his beer bottle at the wall in rage after Lex Luthor mispronounces the word "nuclear" again. "Son of a bitch! The word is "nuclear"! N-U-C-L-E-A-R! There's nothing between the "C" and the "L"! It's two syllables! That's it and that's all. NU-CLEAR!"

 **(A clip from** _ **Judge Judy**_ **plays)**

 _ **Judge Judy Sheindlin: You're an idiot!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lex places the genetic material aboard one of the missiles and launches it into space, Superman hurls it into the sun and the evil Nuclear Man is born. I'm not kidding. Like literally born, fetus and all. He has a nice set of blonde hair and sporting silver-painted fingernails. And he arrives at Lex's hideout. Nuclear Man is played by Mark Pillow.**

 _ **Nuclear Man (Played by Mark Pillow but voiced by Gene Hackman): You are nothing. I am the father now.**_

 _ **Lex Luthor: You have my voice.**_

 _ **Nuclear Man: No, you have my voice.**_

"Wow, talk about some bad voice dubbing." Sean said with his voiced replaced by Brian's voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nuclear Man is the ultimate weapon to annihilate the Man of Steel, but there's one little flaw.**

 **(Nuclear Man walks into the shade and powers down)**

"Ladies and gentlemen, the most eco-friendly supervillain that is solar powered." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Nuclear Man gets his power from the sun. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, there are about a hundred scenes when he's clearly not in direct sunlight and yet he's perfectly fine. Well, you can scratch weaknesses off of the list.**

"God, I hate inconsistency." Sean said, but this time, his watch is on his right wrist.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we've got another subplot for the film. Lacy takes a liking to Clark and tries to seduce him. It's glasses, right? Chicks dig the glasses. And Clark agrees to go out on a date with her. And we don't see this date because the scene was deleted. God, this movie has so much filler scenes that have nothing to do with the plot. And then we have some goofy antics where Lacy makes a date with Clark at the same time that Lois is having an interview with Superman.**

 **(We get a montage of Clark's goofy antics while Sean drinks his bottle of Heineken)**

 _ **Sean: (Sings to the tune of Thriller and dances) 'Cause this is filler! Filling up the time! An hour and a half is just too long for uncreative minds! Whoo! Whoo!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since these idiots are not done ripping off the first two movies, they begin to rip off the scene from** _ **Superman: The Movie**_ **, Lex Luthor contacts Superman into a confrontation at the Empire State Building or Metropolis Tower, and then we get some banter between the two and…**

 _ **Lenny Luthor: The dude of steel. Boy, are you gonna get it!**_

"Shut up!" Sean yelled.

 _ **Lex Luthor: You know you're a workaholic? You're playing a good guy 24 hours a day. Why don't you stop and smell the roses, huh? Get yourself a hobby?**_

"Uh, why don't you get yourself a hobby, Lex Luthor? Fucking around with Superman is getting pretty old." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Superman is introduced to Nuclear Man, and then we have ourselves a super battle.**

 **(Nuclear Man roars)**

Sean starts laughing after hearing Nuclear Man roaring. "What the hell was that? That roar was fucking hilarious. Seriously, what was up there? Did Nuclear Man just have an orgasm from feeling the power of the sun?"

 **(A clip of Nuclear Man roars plays again)**

Sean roars and does his imitation of Nuclear Man. "I think I just nuclear jizzed in my tights!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, it's the Man of Steel versus a hot supervillain born from the sun with good hair and silver Lee press-on fingernails. This is going to be a great fi….**

 **(Superman and Nuclear Man start fighting and fall off of the observation deck of the Empire State Building. The two struggle for a while in front of a bad blue screen effect. Superman and Nuclear man fight to the** _ **Canyonero**_ **song from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **)**

"Oh, Jesus Christ. This fight is horrible! This is one of the worst superhero fights ever! I like Superman's fight with General Zod, Ursa and Non in Superman II. Oh, yeah and Superman hits Nuclear Man just with one little punch. FAIL!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Superman and Nuclear Man fly around the world. First up, China, where Nuclear Man destroys the Great Wall of China. But then Superman is there to repair it with his….**

 **(Superman repairs the Great Wall of China with his eyes)**

Sean looks on while being confused. "Since when the hell did Superman have this ability to repair a wall?! I've never read that in the comics! Look, movie. I have only one word for you. Explain. And you're not doing a pretty good job at explaining things."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the fight continues in space. Nuclear Man uses his freeze breath to freeze Superman, then flies down to Italy and Superman saves the day by plugging the volcano up with a giant boulder. AND THESE TWO MOTHERFUCKERS CONTINUE TO FIGHT IN SPACE! Oh, God! Make it stop! Nuclear Man flies down to Metropolis, grabs the Statue of Liberty and tries to destroy it and kill everybody by dropping it. Superman, of course, is there to catch Lady Liberty.**

"Good, Superman. Now that you caught the Statue of Liberty, put her back where she belongs so Ivan Reitman can use her in two years for Ghostbusters II." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Superman tries to return the Statue of Liberty, Nuclear Man attacks him by scratching on the back of his neck. This somehow makes him weak. And then Nuclear Man proceeds to finish him off by doing this.**

 **Sean (V/O as a Football Announcer): Nuclear Man lines up for the crucial kick. One final tick of the clock begins. It's a 49-field goal into the wind. Nuclear Man makes the kick, it's got the distance…**

 **(Nuclear Man kicks Superman like a football)**

 **Sean: (V/O as a Football Announcer): Holy Toledo, it's good!**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **season one episode** _ **The Tell-Tale Head**_ **plays)**

 _ **Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): It's good! It's good! IT'S GOOD!**_

 **(The people of Springfield and Reverend Lovejoy look at Homer)**

 _ **Homer Simpson: It's good to see you all in church.**_

 _ **Reverend Lovejoy (Voiced by Harry Shearer): Please be seated, Homer.**_

 _ **Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): Yeah, Homer. Sit down.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the** _ **Daily Planet**_ **, Lois is disgusted that David and Lacy published the headline "Superman Dead?" and seizes Superman's cape. Okay, why would you all care for this? This is just filler for the film. All that Lacy said to her asshole father was this.**

 _ **Lacy Warfield: Daddy.**_

 _ **David Warfield: Yes, darling?**_

 _ **Lacy Warfield: Stuff it!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Lois goes over to Clark's apartment and we see that Clark has fallen ill from radiation sickness and we get this pointless scene where she tells and proclaims her love for Superman.**

 _ **Lois Lane: I'd tell him that I will always cherish the time we've spent together. And that I never expected anything in return…**_

While Lois is proclaiming her love for Superman, Sean tries to stay awake, then ends up falling asleep, tilts forward and hits his head on his desk. "GODDAMMIT!"

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **season 8 episode** _ **In Marge We Trust**_ **)**

 **(The churchgoers gasp after hearing Sean cursing)**

"Oops. Sorry." Sean said, covering his mouth.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dying from radiation sickness, we see that Clark pulls out the green crystal from earlier, the Kryptonian energy module to heal himself. They never explained what it does in the film because they do a bad job at explaining shit so I have to do the explaining for you.**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **Quest for Camelot**_ **plays)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: Explain, movie! EXPLAIN!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Nuclear Man is powering up from the sun and he sees Lacy's picture on the Daily Planet and he develops a crush on her. You've gotta be kidding me. Don't ask me why because they stopped caring for the plot. And he flies off into the city to kidnap her but then he comes across a newly rejuvenated Superman.**

 _ **Nuclear Man: Where is the woman?**_

 _ **Superman: Give it up, you'll never find her.**_

 _ **Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people.**_

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.

 _ **Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people.**_

"That is the most stupidest line I've ever heard in my life! Not only we're dealing with a terrible story, horrible filler scenes, horrible visual effects and bad editing, we're dealing with bad dialogue here." Sean said. "I could come up with a better line, lit so."

 **Sean: (V/O as Nuclear Man) Give me her location or innocents will die.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Nuclear Man starts going nuclear on our asses when he throws the mother of all temper tantrums.**

 _ **Superman: Stop! Don't do it, the people!**_

"Okay. First of all, remember that scene in _Superman II_ where General Zod, Ursa and Non were wreaking havoc in Metropolis and Non, the big hulking, silent Kryptonian is holding onto a bus filled with people, and Superman's yelling out this line?" Sean asked before playing a clip from _Superman II_.

 **(A clip from** _ **Superman II**_ **plays)**

 _ **Superman: No! Don't do it! The People!**_

"They're ripping that scene off. Second, that's the worst line delivery ever and Chris Stuckmann has made fun of this." Sean said.

 **(A clip from Chris Stuckmann's review of** _ **Superman IV**_ **plays)**

 _ **Chris Stuckmann: Stop! Don't do it, the people! Stop! Don't do it, the people! Stop! Don't do it, the people!**_

"And third, instead of standing there like an idiot and yelling out "Stop! Don't do it, the people!", why don't you march your Kryptonian ass over there and do something?!" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Spaceballs**_ **plays)**

 **** _ **President Skroob (Played by Mel Brooks): Do something!**_

 _ **Dark Helmet: Do something!**_

 _ **Colonel Sandurz (Played by George Wyner): Do something!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Nuclear Man is so powerful, he can make the film reverse. And points taken off, I can clearly see the wires on people and on Nuclear Man as well. Superman lures Nuclear Man into an elevator, traps him inside and drops him off on the dark side of the moon. Let's hope he doesn't run into Michael Bay or any Decepticons. However, a sliver of light goes into the elevator and recharges him. Another point taken off because I can see black curtains. Superman fixes the flag and it look unconvincing and then we have another fight scene in slow motion. AND IT'S BORING!**

 **(The fight between Superman and Nuclear Man goes on, with** _ **Dancing On the Avenue**_ **by John Cacavas. We see Sean playing** _ **Far Cry 5**_ **on his Xbox One X, then we see him working on Betty/Veronica smut fanfiction for** _ **Riverdale**_ **, and then we see him reading Tom Clancy's** _ **Clear and Present Danger**_ **while sipping on a cup of coffee. The fight ends with Nuclear Man hammers Superman into the moon's surface)**

Sean looks up and sits his book down on his desk. "Is it over yet?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nuclear Man flies back down to Metropolis and kidnaps Lacy.**

"And what happens next. Oy, vey. You know what? I'm not gonna do any running commentary and I'll try to contain my rage because of how fucking stupid it is. I just want you all to just bask in the stupidity of this while I just sit back and drink my coffee." Sean said with a smile on his face to stay calm. "Roll the footage."

 **(The scene begins as Superman pushes the moon out of it's orbit while Nuclear Man flies Lacy into space, where she is able to breathe. Superman blocks the sun with the moon, casting Earth into an eclipse, shutting down Nuclear Man's powers, leaving Lacy helpless in space. Superman flies in and saves Lacy and returns her to Earth. Superman goes back and recovers Nuclear Man, dropping him into the core of a nuclear power plant, destroying him, causes a power surge which turns on a bunch of lights in Metropolis)**

Sean takes a sip of coffee to calm down. "Okay, to answer your first question: yes. That just happened. And now that you had a chance to watch this wonderful scene, let's take a look at what's wrong with the scene."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Number 1: Superman stops Nuclear Man by pushing the moon between him and the sun, thus creating a solar eclipse. Superman is a fucking maniac because we don't know how many geological disasters he just caused and so many deaths responsible. Number 2: Everyone is still able to talk in space, or in Nuclear Man's case just roar, even though sound doesn't travel in space. Number 3: Superman and Nuclear Man's capes are flapping in the wind. There's no fucking wind in space. Number 4: In this shot, the Earth is backwards. Number 5: Superman destroys Nuclear Man by dropping him into the core of the nuclear power plant. How does dropping him into a nuclear power plant kills Nuclear Man, that should have the opposite effect. Number 6: Dropping Nuclear Man in the power plant causes a power surge, which turns on a bunch of lights. Electricity doesn't work that way.**

"And number 7: Lacy is breathing in outer space. Uh, how in the holy mother of fuck is Lacy able to breathe in outer motherfucking space?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look, I don't expect a superhero movie to be this perfect or 100% realistic but this is kindergarten science. You're not supposed to breathe in space. Lacy should've been dead by now. How can anyone not notice this? Hell, my mom noticed this when I first saw this movie on Star 64 a.k.a. WB 64 back in 1999 when I was about seven years old. My mother, my own mother caught this and I caught this as well and I was only seven! Out of all the people who worked on this movie, somebody should've spoken up to director Sidney J. Furie and say "You know, she's not supposed to breathe in space." Fuckin' atmospheres!**

 **(A clip from** _ **UHF**_ **plays)**

 _ **Kuni (Played by Gedde Watanabe): Stupid! You're so stupid!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's wrap this review up, Perry White buys back the Daily Planet and kicks David Warfield out. Basically, he tell him this.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **season 5 episode** _ **Rosebud**_ **plays)**

 _ **Christopher Ward: Go to Hell, you old bastard!**_

"That's the last Simpsons reference I'll use for the review, I promise." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless sub-plot is finished, Superman arrives at a press conference and delivers his speech about peace.**

 _ **Superman: There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Superman recaptures Lex and Lenny Luthor. He sends Lenny to Boys Town and returns Lex to prison.**

 _ **Lex Luthor: Is the world gonna be vaporized.**_

 _ **Superman: No, Luthor. It's as it always was, on the brink, with good fighting evil. See you in twenty.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with the same shot of Superman flying into space and looks at the camera and smiles at the audience like he always does in the films.**

"God, this movie was fucking horrible! It's crap! It's morals was crap as well. This movie was the worst ever. And I have seen worst superhero movies like the 1989 version of _The Punisher_ , _Green Lantern_ and _Fan4stic_. I cannot believe that we waited nineteen years for a good Superman movie and it was _Superman Returns_. And it ignored the events of _Superman III_ and _Superman IV_. But hey, give _Man of Steel_ , which I've enjoyed, and _Superman Returns_ some credit, at least it wasn't this piece of buffalo shit. With bad visual effects, a terrible plot, bad dialogue, pointless filler scenes and bad editing, this was the Kryptonite bullet being put in this film series' head! That's why _Superman IV: The Quest for Peace_ is getting a 1 Superman symbol out of 5. My friends, if you want to watch a good Superman movie, watch Richard Donner's _Superman_ and _Superman II_ , either the Richard Lester version or the Richard Donner cut of Superman II. Stay as far away from _Superman IV: The Quest for Peace_. I'm the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when I review…uh, what's my next review?" Sean asked.

" _All Dogs Go to Heaven_." Dave said.

"Yes!" Sean said, raising his hands up in joy.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Stop! Don't do it, the people!**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Superman IV: The Quest for Peace**_ **and oh, boy. Just like** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **, I really wanted to review this movie ever since I first started writing The Mayhem Critic. But yeah, I will be reviewing two good** _ **Superman**_ **movies in future reviews, I'll be reviewing** _ **Superman: The Movie**_ **and** _ **Superman II**_ **. Sadly, I don't own the Richard Donner cut of** _ **Superman II**_ **but I own the Richard Lester version of** _ **Superman II**_ **. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the 1989 Don Bluth movie** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you and to co-review a movie or TV show, feel free to PM me or comment on the reviews and I'll get back to you. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	18. Episode Fifteen: All Dogs Go to Heaven

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, so I have been looking for some shows to review and I wanted to review the show** _ **Twisted**_ **, the ABC Family show that starred Avan Jogia from** _ **Victorious**_ **and I was checking to see if they have it on Hulu and they don't have it on Hulu anymore. WTF mofo! Come on, at least let me check the show out. Anyway, it's update time. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic goes back to his childhood to check out his favorite animated movie from director Don Bluth. And that was** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven.**_ **Let's see if Sean takes on a family movie involving death and a sequence involving Hell. Here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic.**_ **Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **Episode Fifteen**

 **All Dogs Go to Heaven**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **is owned by United Artists, Goldcrest Films and Sullivan Bluth Studios.**

Sean is seen sitting in front of his desk, sipping his cup of coffee, preparing to talk about today's topic of the review. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, we're going to be talking about one of my favorite directors in animated features. And of course, I'm talking about a guy named Don Bluth."

 **(Various photos of Don Bluth and his films pop up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He was one of the greatest animation gods who ever lived. He got his start as an assistant to the late John Lounsbery for the Disney animated film** _ **Sleeping Beauty**_ **. In 1967, he joined Filmation and working on layouts for** _ **The Archies**_ **…**

 **(A poster of** _ **Riverdale**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The cartoon, idiot! And he returned to work full-time for Disney in 1971 where he worked on such great Disney films like** _ **Robin Hood, Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too, The Rescuers**_ **and directing animation for** _ **Pete's Dragon**_ **. Not the live action remake. His last involvement with Disney was the 1978 short** _ **The Small One**_ **, which he directed.**

 **(Clips** _ **from Banjo, the Woodpile Cat**_ **and the animated sequence from** _ **Xanadu**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After he left Disney, Bluth worked on a short film that he created called** _ **Banjo the Woodpile Cat**_ **and he also worked on an animated sequence for that Olivia Newton-John movie called** _ **Xanadu**_ **. Don't check out the movie, just watch the animated sequence only. He was involved in the 1983 arcade game** _ **Dragon's Lair**_ **, a game that made the Nostalgia Critic rage. But let's talk about his films.**

 **(Posters and footage from** _ **The Secret of Nimh, An American Tail**_ **and** _ **The Land Before Time**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He did direct some good movies in the 80's, films like** _ **The Secret of Nimh**_ **in 1982 a film that the Nostalgia Critic likes and I do too,** _ **An American Tail**_ **in 1986 and** _ **The Land Before Time**_ **in 1988, a film that was produced by Steven Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment and George Lucas. But in the 90's, it went downhill.**

 **(Posters and footage from** _ **Rock-A-Doodle, Thumbelina, A Troll in Central Park**_ **and** _ **The Pebble and the Penguin**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just like Ralph Bakshi in the 90's when he directed** _ **Cool World**_ **, Don Bluth has directed some pretty bad films. Three of which the Nostalgia Critic directed like** _ **Rock-A-Doodle, A Troll in Central Park**_ **and** _ **The Pebble and the Penguin**_ **.**

 **(A poster and footage from** _ **Anastasia**_ **is shown, along with footage from** _ **Titan A.E.**_ **and the poster is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then in 1997, he directed a really good animated film. And that movie was** _ **Anastasia**_ **. I'll give him a free pass on that. But then in 2000, he directed the movie** _ **Titan A.E.,**_ **and it bombed.**

"So, how did all this greatness ended? Well, it ended in 1989 with _All Dogs Go to Heaven_." Sean said.

 **(The title card for** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **and footage from the film is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Produced by Sullivan Bluth Studios and Goldcrest Films and distributed by United Artists. The film was released in theaters on November 17, 1989. This was one of my favorite films in my childhood and one of the first Don Bluth films I remember seeing. It was one of the last great Don Bluth films of the 80's. It's a movie that I remember liking as a kid. I remember watching it on Showtime, on VHS when I rented it from Blockbuster, Toon Disney before they changed it to Disney XD. This movie was my** _ **Secret of Nimh**_ **.**

"So, I ask you this. Is _All Dogs Go to Heaven_ still good after 29 years? Well, let's find out in today's review and find out. This is _All Dogs Go to Heaven_." Sean said as he starts the review.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our tale begins underground of all places, where we see one dog, a Dachshund named Itchy, voiced by the late Dom DeLuise, trying to free another dog slash main character, a German Shepherd named Charlie B. Barkin, he's voiced by Burt Reynolds. While trying to make their escape, the only thing in between them is a pipe. Well, I guess you can dig around it.**

 _ **Itchy (Voiced by the late Dom DeLuise): (Seen holding a jackhammer) Here, let me try this.**_

"A jackhammer? Are you sure that's going to work?" Sean asked. "Oh, and great casting choice by the way."

 **(Itchy uses the jackhammer on the water main, causing it to burst)**

 _ **Guard #1: Busted water main!**_

 _ **Guard #2: Hit the lights!**_

 _ **Guard #3: Call command central!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Itchy make their escape from the city pound and….**

 **(The guards shoot at Charlie and Itchy and the two make a run for it)**

 _ **Charlie (Voiced by Burt Reynolds) Come on, let's get outta here!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jesus! What kind of prison is this? All of a sudden the guards have guns and they start shooting at them? I know they're dogs and you're telling me that you don't have any tranquilizer darts? What year does this movie take place in?**

"Uh, Sean. The movie takes place in 1939 New Orleans. Tranquilizer darts haven't been invented yet." Dave the cameraman said.

"Oh, okay. Continue." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After escaping from the pound Charlie and Itchy return to a dog casino on the Louisiana Bayou, we see that the casino was co-owned by Charlie and we get to see some stuff that dogs do in a kid's film: gambling, drinking and smoking.**

 **Sean: (V/O) A family picture!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie B. Barkin, yes that's his name. He's well liked amongst the casino owners. And since he was gone, the casino hasn't been going so well and what's the best solution for this? Well, sing about it, of course!**

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) Oh, ya can't keep a good dog down.**_

 _ **Itchy: No, sir.**_

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) Oh, ya can't keep a good dog down.**_

 _ **I've seen a pain and hurt**_

 _ **Itchy: That's right.**_

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) I've eaten dirt.**_

 _ **Itchy: That's true.**_

 _ **Charlie: It's hard to buy but even I've been jilted by a skirt!**_

"Oh, Christ. Burt. Burt, baby. Are you even trying to sing? I've heard better singers than that." Sean said.

 **(Footage from Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem and butchering it is shown)**

"Matter of fact, I'd rather listen to Burt Reynolds singing." Sean said.

 **(Footage of Roseanne singing the National Anthem is shown)**

"Aaah! Turn it off!" Sean shrieks.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after that little musical number and getting separated by Charlie via sliding door, we're introduced to two other characters of the film. Killer, who's voiced by the late Charles Nelson Reilly. And the main antagonist Carface Caruthers, he's voiced by the late Vic Tayback, who you might recognize him in the 1974 movie** _ **Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore**_ **and it's television sitcom adaptation simply known as** _ **Alice**_ **from 1976 to 1985, he played diner owner Mel Sharples.**

 _ **Carface (Voiced by the late Vic Tayback): I do not wish that I should share the deepest sin of the business with my partner Charlie.**_

 _ **Killer (Voiced by the late Charles Nelson Reilly): You want that I should squeeze his head with the pliers?**_

 _ **Carface: Friends must be handled in a friendly and business-like way.**_

"Okay, I know that is wrong to like the villain, but my God. That right there is the work of a true dog mobster. Carface is one of the finer examples of an antagonistic dog and his voice fits well with that mafia-like appearance and hearing him talk like that is what I expect from someone. He's like the animated dog version of Hiram Lodge from _Riverdale_." Sean said as a photo of Carface and a photo of Mark Consuelos as Hiram Lodge is shown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie confronts his business partner about how the casino is run. And refusing to share the profits with Charlie, Carface persuades him to leave town with 50% of the casinos earnings. But that's not the interesting part. Itchy overhears something about a monster that Carface has. But hey, let's get back to Charlie. Carface initiates his plan by throwing a fake farewell party during Mardi Gras by getting him good and drunk and Itchy tries to stop Carface from killing Charlie.**

"Okay, movie. You just showed us people shooting at dogs, dogs gambling, dogs drinking and getting drunk. What's next? Are you going to show dogs killing each other?" Sean asked, chuckling a bit.

 _ **Carface: Goodbye, Charlie.**_

 _ **Killer: Want me to help you push the car? Can I? Can I, please?**_

 **(Itchy arrives and sees Carface and Killer about to murder Charlie)**

 _ **Itchy: Charlie! Charlie!**_

 **(Carface pushes the down the hill)**

 _ **Charlie: (Singing while drunk) You can't keep a good dog dooooooooooooown.**_

 **(The car hits Charlie and kills him. We see the car flying off of the dock and lands in the water)**

"What the hell?! We just witnessed a main character getting killed off in the first fifteen minutes of the film. Like when has that ever happened before in a movie?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween 5**_ **plays, showing the scene where Michael Myers stabs Rachel with a pair of scissors and kills her)**

"God, why'd you have to show that clip? But this is a kid's movie. Jeez. Don Bluth, running over your kid's childhood since 1982." Sean said.

 **(A picture of Don Bluth is shown with the words "A Family Picture!" is printed)**

 **Sean: (V/O) A family picture!**

"Way to ruin a movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting murdered by Carface, Charlie is sent to the wonderful place that Atheists say doesn't exist. Heaven. He is greeted by Whippet Angel, or Annabelle if you like to call her that. She's voiced by singer Melba Moore.**

 _ **Charlie: Where am I?**_

 _ **Whippet Angel (Voiced by Melba Moore): This is the Great Hall of Judgment.**_

 _ **Charlie: Judgment?!**_

 _ **Whippet Angel: Oh, not to worry Charlie. You go to Heaven. All dogs go to Heaven because unlike people, dogs are naturally good. And loyal and kind.**_

"Really? Are we going with that bit of logic? All dogs are naturally good. Have you ever seen the movie _Cujo_?" Sean asked. "Also, you have his profile down as bad dog. A dog doing bad things in life shouldn't be going to Heaven.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I just noticed something. While the Whippet Angel, I mean, Annabelle, is reading over Charlie's profile, I had to pause the movie because Charlie's parents names are Burt R. Barkin and Loni A. Bowzer. That's a reference to Burt Reynolds and his then-wife at the time Loni Anderson. The Whippet Angel explains to Charlie that everyone's lifeforce is represented by clocks and Charlie's watch has stopped.**

 _ **Charlie: Well, can't you just wind it up or something?**_

 _ **Whippet Angel: And send you back? Oh no, no, no, no. No one is ever allowed to go back.**_

"I'm just going to let you know that this will be important later on in the film and I hope that you're taking notes because I'm not going to repeat it to you again." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another song and even though I tend to harp on Burt Reynolds' singing, I really like this sequence where Charlie is trying to outwit Annabelle.**

 _ **Charlie: (Singing) I need Brazil**_

 _ **The throb, the thrill**_

 _ **I've never been there, but someday I will**_

 _ **Adventure and danger, love from a stranger**_

 _ **Let me be surprised!**_

Sean sighs a bit. "Remember Smokey & the Bandit? That was a good movie, right?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after this second song, Charlie steals the watch and winds it up, returning to Earth.**

"Just a quick recap for what your children have witnessed throughout the movie in the first fifteen minutes. We have witnessed felony, guns, gambling, Charles Nelson Reilly, Vic Tayback, Burt Reynolds getting drunk, drinking, smoking, greed, death, afterlife and resurrection. Hope that you like this film, kids." Sean smiles.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After returning to Earth, Charlie is told that if he dies again, he can never go back to Heaven. Charlie reunites with Itchy and here's how Itchy reacts to seeing his best buddy back from the dead.**

 _ **Itchy: (Smiles) Oh. Hi, Charlie.**_

 _ **Charlie: Hi.**_

 _ **Itchy: (Screams) Charlie!**_

 _ **Charlie: Shh!**_

 _ **Itchy: You're a ghost!**_

"Okay, we get it. You saw him die. Just stop freaking out." Sean said.

 _ **Charlie: Quiet! I'm not a ghost. I'm not dead.**_

 **(Itchy screams again)**

"Dude, relax." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Itchy is finished freaking out about his friend's return, Charlie and Itchy sneak into the casino basement to find out how Carface keeps winning bets on rat races and they see what this monster is revealed to be….**

 _ **Charlie: Now there is your monster.**_

 **(The monster is revealed to be a little girl)**

 _ **Itchy: Well, I'll be.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The monster is revealed to be a little girl. And awww, she's adorable. This little girl is named Anne-Marie, she's voiced by the late Judith Barsi. Who had earlier voiced the character Ducky in the 1988 animated feature** _ **The Land Before Time**_ **and you might've recognized her as the daughter of Gary Busey's character in the 1986 movie** _ **Eye of the Tiger**_ **and in 1987 she played the character Thea Brody, the daughter of Mike Brody in** _ **Jaws: The Revenge**_ **. Don't worry, I'll get to that movie another time.**

"Okay, I just want to bring up something about Judith Barsi. This was her final film role. And the reason why this was her final film role was because on July 25th, 1988, her and her mother Maria Virovacz were both murdered by her father Jozsef Barsi while they were asleep. And this upsets me because she was only 10 years old and also this sucks because Don Bluth intended to feature her extensively in his future productions. She still could've been alive today but that monster Jozsef took that away from her. Oh, and the song at the end credits of the movie, _Love Survives_ , is dedicated to her memory." Sean said. "Sorry if I'm getting too upset about what happened to little Judith. Let's continue this review."

"Wait, that's the monster? More like hostage." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, about Anne-Marie. She's one of those characters that have the magic ability to talk to animals. Yeah, she has the Dr. Doolittle Syndrome. The reason why she is capable of having that special gift is because…and why does Carface keep her here? And where are her parents?**

 _ **Anne-Marie (Voiced by the late Judith Barsi): Hi, Mr. Long Tail. How are you today?**_

 **(The rat speaks to Anne-Marie)**

 _ **Anne-Marie: Fine, thank you. Will you be in the race tonight?**_

 **(The rat speaks to Anne-Marie again)**

 _ **Anne-Marie: Sore foot? You shouldn't run.**_

We then cut to Sean sitting at his desk with a smile on his face, getting ready to sing a song.

"You're my honey bunch, sugar plum, pumpie umpy umpkin, you're my sweetie pie." Sean sings in a babyish voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie is interested in taking this little cash bag in his chance for revenge against Carface.**

 _ **Charlie: I am Charlie B. Barkin and this my associate Itchyford "Itchy" Dachshund. Mr. Itchy to you./ Let us take you away from all of this. Where are your parents?**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: I'm an orphan.**_

 _ **Charlie: (Gasps) She's an orphan. She doesn't have any parents.**_

"So, you're planning on scamming this adorable little girl into thinking that he's a better guardian? Dude, there's a reservation for you in Hell. You'll be dining with Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Charlie and Itchy steal Anne-Marie away from Carface in hopes of finding her parents only to use her ability for their own selfish gains. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I hope that Carface will take the news to her being gone very we…..**

 _ **Carface: (Yells) WHAT?!**_

 **(Throws a lantern at Killer. Killer screams and hides)**

 _ **Carface: What do ya mean she is gone?!**_

 _ **Killer: (Stammers) Well…uh…well….uh… you see, boss…I…**_

 _ **Carface: SHUT UP!**_

"Well, he took that pretty well." Sean chuckled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Charlie and Itchy convince Anne-Marie to talk to race horses to find out who's going to win and they come up with an idea to steal money. So, Itchy pretends to be hurt and Charlie steals the wallet from a lovely couple named Harold and Kate, they're voiced by Rob Fuller and Earleen Carey.**

"Don't worry, we'll see these two again in the movie. Coming up, we get three separate montages and this first one. Oh, boy. It's…it's…. just watch." Sean said.

 **(We see that Anne-Marie is disguised as a grown-up with Charlie pretending to be her legs and ends up walking up to the window)**

 _ **Anne-Marie: (In a deep voice) I want to make a bet, please.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Uh, does anyone not notice that oddly-shaped person with a silly looking mustache and weird feet and a baby face dancing in the middle of the street? Anybody? Nobody's not paying any attention to this?!**

"Come on, it's not like I dance around the street wearing a Batman costume and going up to people saying 'I'm Batman'." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)  
**

 **(Sean is seen dancing around in the streets of downtown Cincinnati while wearing a Batman costume. Sean then walks up to a couple and interrupts them)**

 **Sean: (In his Michael Keaton Batman voice) I'm Batman.**

 **(Sean leaves)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After this idiotic moment, we then get our second and third montages, with them collecting more and more money from winning all the while neglecting Anne-Marie's needs. You're a bad dog, Charlie A. Barkin. So, they just bribe her off with clothes. Boy, for an adorable little girl who's naïve, she can be pretty forgiving.**

 _ **Carface: Morons! I'm surrounded by morons!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, we get a montage of Itchy draws up plans to build a new dog casino that's better than Carface's. Uh, you guys are forgetting an adorable little girl here.**

 _ **Anne-Marie: I'm leaving! You said that we're gonna help the poor. You promised to find me parents! You didn't even look! All you do is gamble. It isn't right.**_

"That's right! You tell 'em, girl!" Sean cheered.

 _ **Charlie: Thank you. Thank you for helping me see the light. Squeaker, we're going out to help the poor.**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: Oh, Charlie.**_

 **(Anne-Marie kisses Charlie on his nose as Charlie gags and makes a disgusted look)**

"You stupid little bitch." Sean said as he pours himself a glass of Arnold Palmer iced tea.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Carface's hideout, Carface learns that Charlie is still alive and that he has Anne-Marie. So, he decides to kill Killer for his failure by dumping him in a water filled with piranhas.**

"Couldn't you just take him out on a boat and go fishing then shoot him in the back of the head?" Sean asked.

 _ **Killer: Boss, pull me up, please! I got…I got…I got…I got a gun!**_

 _ **Carface: Gun? Whaddya mean a gun? What kind of gun?**_

"Huh?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow. "What kind of gun does Killer have?"

 _ **Killer: A Flash Gordon thermal atomic ray gun, boss.**_

 _ **Carface: A ray gun.**_

 **(Carface laughs, his face morphs into the Devil)**

Sean looks on at the camera as his mouth dropped in shock from seeing Carface's face morphing into the Devil. "What the hell was Don Bluth thinking? Did he have to turn Carface into the Devil? Really? Do you think that was really necessary? You don't think we could tell that he was evil? We knew this since the beginning of the freaking movie! Look at him! He's a bulldog, hell most bulldogs look menacing and he has that Mafioso-type voice and ways of killing someone like someone in the mob does to other people. He tried to kill off our main character. That's just pointless. We already had a set-up to a truly evil character. What? Do you see The Phantasm growing devil horns after killing a mobster? No. Let's move on."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we see Carface the Devil, we then cut to a church where Charlie and Anne-Marie visit a family of adorable poor puppies and Charlie's old girlfriend Flo, she's voiced by Loni Anderson, Burt Reynolds' ex-wife.**

 _ **Flo (Voiced by Loni Anderson): Hello, Charlie.**_

 _ **Charlie: Hello, Flo.**_

 _ **Flo: It's nice of you to come by. We don't see much of you anymore.**_

 _ **Charlie: Well, you know how it is. I mean, you know, I've got a business to run.**_

 _ **Flo: (Giggles) Yeah. I know how it is.**_

"You know, Loni. Marrying you is a pretty dumb move for me. I should've married Sally Field instead of you. She was the one that got away and a lot of people ship us together. But no, I'm stuck with 'ya. Cocksucking bitch." Sean said, imitating Burt Reynolds.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie gives the last piece of pizza to an adorable fat puppy and the rest of the other puppies end up fighting over it. And then we get a little lesson on sharing from Charlie.**

 _ **Charlie: Alright, it's only a pizza, fellas.**_

 **(The puppy with the pizza starts growling)**

 _ **Charlie: C'mon! You mind sharing? Now, now, c'mon, don't fight! Alright, I'm gonna – I'm gonna tell you something about sharing.**_

"Now whatever you do, please don't start singing…." Sean said.

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) What's mine is yours….**_

"You son of a bitch." Sean said.

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) Whether you're the boss**_

 _ **Or someone's pet**_

 _ **The more you give**_

 _ **The more you're gonna get!**_

As the song continues with the puppies singing and Charlie singing, Sean pours himself some Arnold Palmer iced tea in a glass, then grabs a bottle of Stolichnaya vodka and pours some into the glass, mixing it with the tea. He then sits the bottle of Russian vodka down on his desk and picks up the glass of tea then starts drinking it.

"Oh, God. Burt Reynolds is going to turn me into a fucking alcoholic if I keep hearing him sing one more time." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that musical number, Anne-Marie finds the wallet from the young couple that Charlie stole from…**

 _ **Anne-Marie: You stole it.**_

 _ **Charlie: I was going to give it back.**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: You stole it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) She gets upset with Charlie, and then we get another song, this time this song is performed by Lana Beeson, who provided the singing voice of Anne-Marie, because actress Judith Barsi could not sing the song without breaking down. This song is called Soon You'll Come Home and I have to say that it's a peaceful and lovely song.**

 _ **Anne-Marie: (Sings) All I have is a picture in my mind how it would be if we were together**_

 _ **Let's pretend that you're far away**_

 _ **Let's say you write to me and you promise in your letter that you'll come home**_

We then see Sean removing his glasses from off of his face and grabs a tissue, wiping a tear from off of his face from crying, then looks at the camera. "What the fu…are you filming me crying? Get out! Get the camera off of me! I don't want the whole world to see. Jesus!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, with Charlie. We see him having a peaceful slumber and then we hear the voice of Annabelle and her warning.**

 _ **Annabelle: Charlie. You can never come back. You can never come…**_

 **(Explosion)**

"Wait, what?" Sean asked.

 **(We see that Charlie is having a nightmare about Hell and we cut to Sean looking shocked. Charlie lands on a gondola in a lake of fire with a skeleton gondolier. We then see a Devil Dog also known as Satan with a beard emerging from the lake of fire and little demon dogs. We cut to Sean looking more and more shocked as the nightmare continues. The nightmare ends, showing the puppies trying to wake Charlie up)**

 _ **Puppy #1: Charlie. Charlie, wake up.**_

 _ **Puppy #2: Charlie, wake up.**_

 **(Charlie wakes up. He is shown hanging for dear life on a broom, then falls to the floor)**

"What the hell was that?!" Sean asked, picking up the remote and rewinds the footage and watches it from the beginning of the sequence. "Did we just see Charlie having a nightmare about Hell in a kid's movie? My God, they did! Don Bluth, are you out of your mind?! I find Satan the Devil Dog much creepier than the Black Pegasus from _Anastasia_. Hell, Dirk the Daring from _Dragon's Lair_ would chicken out and the Great Owl from _The Secret of Nimh_ would just be a pussy. Great work with the nightmare fuel, Don Bluth."

 **Sean: (V/O) A family picture!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After having a nightmare about going to Hell, Charlie wakes up only to find Anne-Marie gone.**

 _ **Charlie: Where is that kid?**_

 _ **Puppy #3: She went to 402 Maple Street. To see the Wallet Family.**_

"Right. She went to see the…I'm sorry, what was that?" Sean asked.

 _ **Puppy #3: The Wallet Family.**_

"The Wallop Family?" Sean asked.

 _ **Puppy #3: The Wallet Family.**_

"The Waller Family?" Sean asked.

 _ **Puppy #3: The Wallet Family.**_

"The Whadityoudiwa Family?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Shameless**_ **plays)**

 _ **Mickey Milkovich (Played by Noel Fisher): Speak fucking English!**_

"I'm sorry, Mickey! I couldn't understand what that little bitch was saying!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the puppy version of Banjo the Woodpile Cat said the Wallet Family. And we see that Anne-Marie returned their wallet and these two have to be the most polite people in the universe and they welcome her into their home and serve her waffles.**

 _ **Kate (Voiced by Earleen Carey) Where do you live?**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: I live with Charlie. He's my dog.**_

 _ **Kate: But what about your parents?**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: I don't have any parents.**_

 _ **Harold (Voiced by Rob Fuller): Then where do you stay?**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: With Charlie in the junkyard.**_

"Won't you two just adopt this poor little girl? She has nowhere to go and she lives with a dog that lies to her." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie arrives at the house and then tricks Anne-Marie into leaving with him with more guilt trips. How stupid could this little girl be? Charlie and Anne-Marie were having a lovely stroll down the street and Carface prepares to whack him with….**

 **(We see Killer and Carface in a motorcycle on top of a dog, with Killer holding a Tommy Gun, taking aim at Charlie)**

 **Sean: (V/O) What the hell?!**

"Wait, wait, wait! That's the ray gun he's talking about? Looks more like a Thompson sub-machine gun. Look, here's the difference between a machine gun and a ray gun." Sean said as he pulls out a ray gun. "A ray gun vaporizes people."

Sean sits the ray gun down on his desk, then pulls out an uzi.

"This is a machine gun that has real bullets that can easily kill a person by putting holes in 'em." Sean said as he accidentally pulls the trigger on the uzi, causing the gun to go off, with the young critic shooting wildly in his office with Dave the cameraman ducking for cover. Sean throws the gun down and imitates Sgt. Schultz from _Hogan's Heroes_ before running out of his office. "I know nothing! I see nothing! I was not here! I did not even get up this morning!"

 **(Killer shoots Charlie, in a parody of the** _ **SNL**_ **short** _ **Dear Sister**_ **with the song** _ **Whatcha' Say**_ **by Jason Derulo starts playing)**

"What? Like anyone's going to do a _Dear Sister_ -joke in 2018. Don't judge me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie is unharmed, thanks to the watch that he's wearing, and him and Anne-Marie make their escape while Carface is riding the dog while Killer auditions for a role as an Imperial Stormtrooper in** _ **Star Wars**_ **.**

 _ **Carface: MORONS! I'M SURROUNDED BY MORONS!**_

"Hey, that includes you too in the sequel." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Anne-Marie hide out in an abandoned building, but the floor breaks and they end up getting captured by a bunch of tribal sewer rats, which leads to this.**

 _ **Anne-Marie: (Sees something moving in the water) Charlie, what's that moving in the water?**_

 _ **Charlie: I don't know.**_

 **(A giant alligator is revealed)**

 _ **Charlie: Squeaker, we're gonna die.**_

"Oh, boy. This is going to turn into a scene from the movie Alligator. This must be Don Bluth's version of Ramon the alligator." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This giant flamboyant gator is named King Gator, he's voiced by Ken Page. Who you might recognize him from this little movie.**

 **(A clip from Tim Burton's** _ **The Nightmare Before Christmas**_ **plays)**

 _ **Oogie Boogie (Voiced by Ken Page): Well, well, well, what have we have here? Sandy Claws huh? Oh, I'm really scared.**_

"Oh yeah, he's the Boogie Man." Sean sings.

 **Sean: (Narrating) King Gator tries to eat Charlie, but then he howls in the flamboyant gator's mouth and he's is impressed by Charlie's howl and says that he can't eat such a talent.**

"Remember in the Nostalgia Chick's review of the movie where she was talking about this scene? Yeah, this spawned the Big Lipped Alligator Moment. And what's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment? Well, it's a trope so random. And it comes right out of nowhere, has little/no bearing on plot, is tonally dissonant from the rest of the film and after it is over, no one ever speaks of it again. And I have to be honest with you, it is a weird scene because he just shows up and the only purpose of this scene is for Anne-Marie to get sick. Oh, and don't worry, we'll see King Gator again later on in the climax of the film. Oh, and then we get another song." Sean said before cutting to the song.

 _ **King Gator (Voiced by Ken Page): (Sings) Let's make music together**_

 _ **Let's make sweet harmony**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to Itchy at the casino doing some cleaning until he ends up getting cornered by Carface and his goons and he questions him about the wherabouts of Anne-Marie. Meanwhile, back at the church, Anne-Marie falls ill with pneumonia and she's to the point where she could die and that she needs to see a doctor. Itchy returns after getting fucked up by Carface and his thugs and they destroy Charlie's casino. And after hearing Itchy say that he's gone soft, Charlie lies about caring for the girl.**

 _ **Charlie: Look I don't care about the girl! I tell her things now and then. I pretend to be her best friend but it's baloney.**_

 _ **Itchy: I thought I was your best friend.**_

 _ **Charlie: You are my best friend! With her it's just business. It's always been business. I'm using the girl. And when we're done with her we'll dump her in an orphanage. Is that okay with you?!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Anne-Marie overhears this. Geez, what a dick.**

 _ **Anne-Marie: (Cries) You're not my friend. You're a bad dog!**_

"Now, I have another reason to strictly be a cat owner." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anne-Marie runs away, with Charlie going after her until she ends up getting captured by Carface. Flo sends Itchy to get help from Harold and Kate and a bunch of other dogs in the city. Charlie tracks Anne-Marie at Carface's casino, but gets ambushed by Carface and his thugs in an intense scene.**

 **(We see Charlie fighting some of Carface's thugs. Two of Carface's thugs tie Charlie up to an anchor while one of the thugs bite Charlie, causing Charlie to howl in pain and summons King Gator)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Carface prepares to kill Charlie, King Gator arrives to save Charlie. Things really get intense when Charlie fights Carface and tries to save Anne-Marie. And to top it all off, an oil fire is started when oil pours from out of the oil drum and onto a generator, setting the water on fire. Charlie takes off his watch and tries to jump in to save Anne-Marie, but Carface gets the jump on Charlie, making him drop his watch into the water. King Gator rams into the ship and Carface falls into the water. And you know what that means.**

 _ **King Gator: (After seeing Carface in the water) Mmm, delicious.**_

 **(Carface screams as he swims away while King Gator chases him off)**

"Mmm, dinner is served." Sean said, imitating King Gator.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie jumps in to grabs his watch, then sees Anne-Marie fall into the water along with his watch. He chooses to save Anne-Marie and pushes her to safety onto some wood, then he dives underwater to retrieve it, but it was too late. His watch stops ticking before he can get to it.**

 **(We see that Charlie's watch stops ticking, killing him)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Harold and Kate, the wallet couple have adopted Anne-Marie, and Anne-Marie has also adopted Itchy. Charlie returns in spirit from Hell to apologize to her. Then Annabelle appears and tells him that since he gave his life for her, he's permitted back into Heaven. Anne-Marie wakes up and her and Charlie reconcile and asks her to take care of Itchy in this touching scene that would bring a tear to someone's eyes.**

 _ **Anne-Marie: Charlie, will I ever see you again?**_

 _ **Charlie: Sure. Sure you will, kid. You know goodbyes aren't forever.**_

 _ **Anne-Marie: Then, goodbye Charlie. I love you.**_

 _ **Charlie: Yeah, I love you too.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Anne-Marie say their goodbyes and he goes to his new home in Heaven. And the film ends with some heavenly music.**

 _ **Charlie: (Voiceover) Hold it, hold it!**_

 **(The heavenly music stops)**

 _ **Charlie: (Voiceover) I know we're dead up here but so is the music. C'mon, beat it up a little.**_

 _ **Singer: Honey, you know it!**_

 **(The song** _ **Hallelujah**_ **performed by Candy Devine starts)**

 _ **Charlie: (Voiceover) Nice. That's nice.**_

"And that was _All Dogs Go to Heaven_ , and after twenty-nine years…" Sean said before being interrupted by Carface.

 **(We see an angry Carface arriving in Heaven)**

 _ **Carface: I'll get that gator if it's the last thing I do!**_

 **(Carface grabs the clock as Annabelle appears)**

 _ **Annabelle: Touch that clock and you can never come back.**_

 _ **Carface: (Winding the clock) Shut up.**_

 _ **Annabelle: (Chasing Carface) I SAID TOUCH THAT CLOCK AND YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK!**_

 _ **Charlie: (Breaks the fourth wall) He'll be back.**_

"Yeah. He'll come back with the voice of Ernest Borgnine in the sequel since Vic Tayback died in 1990." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we end with two songs.** _ **Hallelujah**_ **performed by Candy Devine and the song that was dedicated to Judith Barsi,** _ **Love Survives**_ **performed by Irene Cara and Freddie Jackson. It's a pretty good song and I love it. Give it a listen.**

"And that was _All Dogs Go to Heaven_ and after twenty-nine years, I love it. The film saw moderate reviews mostly because the movie was released the same year as The Little Mermaid. Gene Siskel gave the movie a thumbs down and Roger Ebert gave the movie a thumbs up. Hell, Leonard Maltin was harsh to the film. Where's Carface when you need him with that Tommy gun so he can go after Maltin to change his mind? The bastard was harsh to Gremlins. Don't worry, his time will come in _Gremlins 2: The New Batch_. Even though the movie didn't do well in the box-office, it gained a cult following when it was released on video. I consider this movie to be my _Secret of Nimh_. Anyway, back to the film. The good things about this movie was Don Bluth's animation, the songs were memorable and the voice cast is excellent and memorable like Burt Reynolds as the con artist Charlie, Dom DeLuise as the paranoid yet hilarious Itchy, Judith Barsi as the adorable and naïve Anne-Marie and Vic Tayback as the sinister and sadistic Carface. I've also liked the emotional plot to it and I just love the fact that this is a Don Bluth movie that could talk about Heaven and Hell, that's something never done before in a kid's film. If you want your children to deal with some scary parts and references to death. After the release of the original, a sequel was released seven years later. And don't worry, I'll review that one soon. There was also a television series and a Christmas television movie based on Charles Dickens' _A Christmas Carol_. In conclusion, this is the last great Don Bluth film in the 80s and he went out with a bang. Until he made a comeback with _Anastasia_ back in 1997. That's why I'm going to give _All Dogs Go to Heaven_ four halos out of five. That's is all for this review, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time.

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **. I hope that you all like this and some of it's funny moments. Next time, I'm going to be reviewing either the 1987 motion picture epic** _ **Masters of the Universe**_ **starring Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella, the Disney Channel Original Movie** _ **Adventures in Babysitting**_ **starring Sabrina Carpenter and Sofia Carson, a new segment I like to call Sean's Story Ark where I review the first episode of the show I might review** _ **Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers**_ **the five-part episode** _ **Rescue Rangers to the Rescue**_ **or** _ **Darkwing Duck**_ **the two-part episode** _ **Darkly Dawns the Duck**_ **,** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **or David Cronenberg's 1986 remake** _ **The Fly**_ **. Which one should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review one of the shows or movies that I mentioned in the list, feel free to PM me and I'll get back with you. If you want to request a show or movie that you want me to review then feel free to message me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	19. Episode Sixteen: The Fly (1986)

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, so I was thinking about taking a look back at the series finale of** _ **Seinfeld**_ **in May since it's going to be the 20** **th** **anniversary of the show ending and it's going to be a little editorial/review to see if** _ **The Finale**_ **is considered a good finale or a bad series finale and see what went wrong with it. I might do that in May after my review of** _ **The Fly II**_ **. Speaking of** _ **The Fly II**_ **, today Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the 1986 remake of** _ **The Fly**_ **directed by David Cronenberg and sees why people are afraid, very afraid of the movie. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **The Fly 1986**_ **is owned by 20** **th** **Century Fox and Brooksfilm.**

 **Episode Sixteen**

 **The Fly**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said as he starts his introduction and his LG tablet explodes on his desk as he looks down with his eyes widened in shock. "And technology that tends to screw up! In case you didn't know. I am reviewing a movie about science gone wrong. And of course I'm talking about _The Fly_. The 1986 version, not the 1958 version. If you want me to talk about the short story by the late George Langelaan that was published in Playboy in 1957. Or if you want me to talk about the 2008 opera based on the 1986 film."

"Let's not say we did." Brian said.

"Got it." Sean said as s photo of Canada pops up. "Ah, Canada. The country that brought us hockey, crazy PSAs involving putting things in your mouth and workplace injuries. And also dumb partiers breaking beer bottles and showing us how wolves do it in the forest. Among other things. But let's talk about a certain Canadian director named David Cronenberg." Sean said.

 **(A photo of David Cronenberg pops up. Then posters and clips from his films** _ **The Brood**_ **,** _ **Scanners,**_ _ **The Dead Zone**_ **and** _ **Videodrome**_ **play out)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, David Cronenberg. We all love his movies involving body horror for all of us gorehounds. His films sparked controversy because of how gory they are with films like** _ **Videodrome**_ **with it's infamous scene where Barry Convex gets shot multiple times and tumors erupt out of his body. And then there's the 1981 film** _ **Scanners**_ **with the exploding head scene and the bloody as hell Scanner duel at the climax of the film.**

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Videodrome**_ **plays)**

 **(Max Renn, played by James Woods, shoots Barry Convex, played by the late Les Carlson, multiple times. Tumors form where the gunshot wounds are proceed to erupt out of Convex's body in an extremely graphic but awesome scene)**

 **(Two clips from the movie** _ **Scanners**_ **plays. One clip shows the famous head explosion scene and the other shows the Scanner duel between Darryl Revok, played by Michael Ironside, and Cameron Vale, played by Stephen Lack)**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's** _ **Conquest of the Commercials**_ **plays)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: Canada, you're sick! You're sick, Canada! What the hell's wrong with you?!**_

"To me, those scenes were pretty awesome and I loved them, along with _The Dead Zone_. But then comes the 1986 take on The Fly, one of his best films in my opinion." Sean said.

 **(The title card of** _ **The Fly**_ **is shown and footage from the film is also shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 15, 1986. Produced by Brooksfilm and distributed by 20** **th** **Century Fox. Directed by David Cronenberg and written by Cincinnati native Charles Edward Pogue and Cronenberg. The film stars Jeff "Expect Me to Make Fun of This Guy" Goldblum and Geena Davis. The film is loosely based on George Langelaan's short story. It tells the tale about a scientist and a science experiment gone wrong.**

"Hell, the movie just oozes with 80s tech like walkmans and VHS camcorders. And I know you youngsters out there are wondering what VHS tapes are. And you know what? I love the 80s it's a cool year. So, let's take a look at the movie that people are afraid, very afraid of. This is David Cronenberg's _The Fl_ …" Sean said as Dave the cameraman pans down at his Ghostbusters shirt. "No, no. The damn movie!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our tale opens at a press event where we meet a brilliant yet eccentric scientist named Seth Brundle, played by Jeff Goldblum, who's working on a secret invention. He meets a woman named Veronica Quaife who's a science journalist, played by just girlfriend at the time Geena Davis. And he takes her back to his place if she wants to know about it.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife (Played by Geena Davis): I have three other interviews to do before this party's over.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle (Played by Jeff Goldblum): Yeah, but they're not working on something that'll change the world as we know it.**_

"I am working on a hoverboard that'll beat Robert Zemeckis before _Back to the Future Part II_ is released." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After convincing Veronica with his crazy stare, Seth and Veronica arrive at his lab, where he shows her his inventions: a set of "telepods" that allow instantaneous teleportation from one pod to another.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: So what do they do, the phone booths?**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Telepods.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rather than telling Veronica what they do, Seth intends to show her by doing a little demonstration. So, he requests something personal that he could use and Veronica hands him one of her stockings.**

 **(Seth watches as Veronica removes one of her stockings)**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Mm-hmm.**_

"While you're at it, could you remove your bra and panties as well so I can put them in the telepod?" Sean asked in his imitation of Jeff Goldblum's character.

 **(The stocking teleports to other pod. Veronica reads on the monitor "Teleportation Successful")**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: "Teleportation"?**_

"Uh, yeah? What do you think a telepod does microwave your food?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing that her stocking was teleported from one pod to another, Seth tells Veronica the basic explanation on what teleportation is, she uses her Walkman recorder to tape him exclusively and asks him how he did this and how he managed to keep it a secret. His telepods managed to stay under the radar because they're cheap to make and others in question, like Bartok Industries don't know about the bigger picture.**

 **(Beeping)**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Oh. Wait a second.**_

 **(Veronica pulls out her tape recorder and removes the tape)**

 _ **Seth Brundle: What's that? What are you doing?**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Well, you want me to get the quotes right, don't you?**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Quotes? No, no.**_

"80s journalism, folks. And I just like to point out that Seth's an idiot. He didn't know that Veronica's a journalist. You know for a genius who created something that'll change the world forever, you're not that bright." Sean said.

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Listen, Particle magazine sent me to that party to get a story. And this is the most exciting thing I've ever seen.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: No, no. Absolutely not. In fact, I'm gonna ask you for that tape. Please.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: You can't do that.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Don't you dare write a story. I'd never told any of this stuff to a journalist.**_

"You know, it's eventually gonna come out, man." Sean said. "Why are you getting so pissed off for? You took her back to your place so you can show her your inventions to impress her just so you can boink her."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Seth's pursuit of booty is put on hold when Veronica has the story of a lifetime, Pulitzer Prize-winning shit, she brings the tape to her editor Stathis Borans, played by John Getz.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: What do you think?**_

 _ **Stathis Borans (Played by John Getz): It's a joke.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: What?**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: He's conning you. It's an old nightclub routine, the two cabinets.**_

"Veronica, this is _Particle Magazine_. We only care about real science not bullshit science from some whacko inventor that'll make everybody throw their money in the pot." Sean said, imitating the character Stathis Borans.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Seth manages to come down to where Veronica works and much to his surprise, Veronica has told him and he doesn't believe and he thinks he's a con man. Seth is relieved by the news and he says the magic word to her.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: I've come here to say one magic word to you.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Yeah?**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Cheeseburger.**_

"Really? Just to get on someone's good graces and you say the word "cheeseburger"? How the hell does that even…" Sean said as Brian enters the room holding a bag of food from Wendy's.

"Hey, Sean. I got you the Dave's Triple with cheese." Brian said, handing Sean the burger.

"Give that magnificent bastard a Nobel Prize!" Sean said as he eats his burger from Wendy's.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth and Veronica talk at a burger joint while eating a cheeseburger and Seth tells her the reason why he didn't want the word about his telepods to get out yet is because the telepod isn't ready and it can't rely on teleporting living things, only inanimate objects.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Well, what happens when you try to teleport living things?**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Not while we're eating.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: It can't be worse than this.**_

"Au contraire, Ronnie. Hardees." Sean said as a dramatic sound effect is played in the background.

 **(A Hardees commercial from 1992 plays)**

 _ **Announcer: Are you ready for some real food? Hardees.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) In exchange for not publishing the story on him, Seth convinces Veronica to keep the invention a secret and offers her exclusive access to his lab to document his work.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Your book will end with me transporting myself 15 feet through space from one telepod to another. That's what's really missing.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After eating a cheeseburger with Seth, Veronica gets the deal and she heads back to her apartment only to find a certain editor in her home. And there's one teenie tiny little problem that I forgot to mention about Stathis….**

 **(Veronica enters the bathroom, only to find Stathis taking a shower)**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: What are you doing in my apartment?**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: Just happened to be in the neighborhood. Felt a bit scummy. Rough day.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: How did you get in?**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: Have a key, remember? You gave it to me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Stathis happens to be Veronica's douchy ex-boyfriend who still has her apartment and acts like a creepy creep creep like Charlie Gardner from** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **. He also dropped by to tell Veronica that he looked deeper into Seth Brundle's profile, learning that he is a real scientist, not a nightclub act. Veronica pretends to be moving on to a different story just to get Stathis off of her back.**

 _ **Stathis Borans: I have to put this issue to bed. Want me to come back later and tuck you in?**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: No. Key.**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: I'll keep it for old time sake.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **episode** _ **Girl Meets the New Year**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Lucas Friar (Played by Peyton Meyer): He's like a creepy creep creep!**_

"Ronnie, get him out of the house. Call a freaking cop or better yet change the locks." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Brundle's lab, Veronica films a demonstration that Seth is about to perform and it's a big day when Seth picks out his first victim, I mean, test subject. A baboon.**

"Awww, isn't he so cute! I'm gonna name him Rafiki." Sean said.

 **(The baboon is teleported into the other pod, with gruesome results as the door to the telepod shows the baboon turned inside out)**

"Rafiki, nooooooo! Why'd you do it, Goldblum? Rafiki was just young and innocent and you took that away from him, you bastard!" Sean cries. "Not my Rafiki! OH, RAFIKI!"

"Note to self, need stronger test subject." Brian said in his Joker impression.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the failure of his first experiment on living things, Seth shares his thoughts in this post-experiment interview.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Talk to the tape. Get in the habit. The world will want to know what you're thinking.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: "Fuck" is what I'm thinking.**_

"Fuck, I cannot believe that I'm going to be in another _Jurassic Park_ movie, and Steven Spielberg and Colin Trevorrow are the executive producers!" Sean exclaimed in his Jeff Goldblum impersonation.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth explains that it was his fault because the telepod can't deal with the flesh and it seems to only work with inanimate objects. You damn right it's your fault, you stupid genius. And after that interview, Seth gets a crash course in flesh when him and Veronica begin a relationship and what better way to start a relationship is with good, old-fashioned, hardcore, steamy, erotic, unadulterated sex.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: I just want to eat you up. You know, that's why old ladies pinch babies' cheeks. It's the flesh. It just makes you crazy.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And it turns out that after getting laid by the chick from Beetlejuice inspires Seth to conduct another experiment, this time with steak.**

 **(We cut to Seth conducting an experiment with steak, by putting the big piece of the steak that he cut in half in the telepod)**

"Whatever you do, do not ruin a perfectly good cut of beef." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the steak came through the telepod looking fine. But Seth wants Veronica's opinion on doing a taste test on the different halves of the steak.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Okay. Now try this teleported half.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Oh, are you serious? A monkey just came apart in there.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Baboon. Eat.**_

"Uh, I wouldn't trust eating that steak because who knows monkey diseases are on it after the baboon exploded in there." Sean said. "And boy, talking about steak is making me hungry. I need to go to Longhorn Steakhouse right now."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After eating the teleported half of the steak, Veronica thinks that it tastes synthetic. And this inspires Seth to program the computer to love the flesh.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Videodrome**_ **plays)**

 _ **Max Renn (Played by James Woods): Death to Videodrome! Long live the New Flesh!**_

"Wrong Cronenberg movie, dude." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Seth is working on programming the computer, Veronica heads out a bit to do some shopping and ends up bumping into her stalker ex-boyfriend. Who does he think he is Nick St. Clair from Riverdale? Stathis becomes crazy and suspects that Veronica is sleeping with Brundle.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: I'm finally onto something that is big. Huge.**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: Yeah? What, his cock?**_

"Booo! You suck! And you stole my line!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Veronica makes it clear to Stathis that they're finished. Uh, haven't you ever heard of restraining order? Anyway, we have another spare baboon to teleport. Let's hope that it doesn't turn inside out like the last one.**

 **(The second baboon is teleported to the other pod, the pod door opens as the baboon runs out and jumps into Seth's arms. The baboon is revealed to be perfectly fine)**

 **(A clip from TruTV's** _ **World's Dumbest**_ **plays)**

 _ **Roger Lodge: It's a miracle!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the success of the baboon teleporting to the other pod, Seth has to send the baboon out for test to make sure if it's alright. Then Seth and Ronnie celebrate this success with champagne and Chinese food. However, Veronica finds a package from her editor that was slipped under the door.**

 **(Veronica opens the package, seeing the cover of the new issue of Particle Magazine, with Seth Brundle on the cover)**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Oh, no.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: What? What's that?**_

"A silly drawing of you." Sean said as he breaks down laughing at the drawing of Seth Brundle.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Veronica leaves Seth without explaining to him this major problem about her career and his secret research and she heads down to Stathis' office to confront him about publishing the story without her consent because of his jealousy of Seth.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Everything that has to do with transportation will become obsolete. And I am right there in the middle of it the only recorder of the event from the inside out.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Stathis tells Veronica to keep him informed as a friend and professional confidant and he tells her that he doesn't want her to disappear from his life. And then he asks her this.**

 _ **Stathis Borans: What about sex? I'm not saying love or affection, just stress-relieving sex. You and me.**_

"Don't worry. It'll be our little secret. We'll be friends with benefits. Well, fuck buddies. How's that sound?" Sean asked, impersonating Stathis Borans.

 _ **Veronica Quaife: You're disgusting, as always.**_

"Uh, V, tell Seth about this nutcase, will ya?" Brian asked before sipping his beer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Seth gets drunk after suspecting that Veronica is sleeping with her ex-boyfriend Stathis. With a few glasses of liquid courage, Seth decides, "Fuck it, I'm goin' in there." So, Seth strips out of his clothes and steps into the telepod to teleport himself. I hope that nothing could possibly go wrong.**

 **(We see Seth inside the telepod, it is then shown that a housefly slipped inside the telepod with him)**

"Uh, Seth. Uh, you got an uninvited guest." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth teleports himself to the other telepod along with the fly, and he looks perfectly fine.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Now, you tell me am I different somehow? Is it live, or is it Memorex?**_

"How the hell should the baboon know? It's a damn baboon. It doesn't know jack shit about Memorex. You should show him the commercial." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Veronica comes returns to Seth's apartment, only to find him asleep and Seth tells Ronnie that he went through telepod, which upsets her to find out that he did. And then Seth questions Veronica if she's sleeping with Stathis and Veronica clearly states that they're not sleeping together. The two reconcile by having sex again. The next morning, Seth begins to exhibit some changes in his body like having quick reflexes like Spider-Man after catching a fly, able to do late-night gymnastics, an intense craving for sugar….**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Human teleportation - - molecular decimation, breakdown and reformation—is inherently purging- it makes a man a king. From the moment I walked out, I felt like a million bucks. I think I am gonna have a cannoli after all. Waiter! I mean, w-what an accomplishment!**_

"And all I've done is say to the world "Let's go. Move. Catch me if you can." I stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as I could and before I even knew what I had I patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now I'm selling it, I want to sell it. Waiter! Jesus Christ!" Sean exclaimed as he pounds on his desk while imitating Jeff Goldblum.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to top off these changes he has the ability to last long during sex. Try and beat that Keiran Lee.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: How can you keep going? You can't have any – have any fluid left in your body. We've been doing this for hours.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: I-I'm not ready to quit yet.**_

"Just get me a couple of bottles of Gatorade and a can of Red Bull and I'll keep going like the Energizer bunny." Sean said while breathing heavily.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But round 3 of their sexcapades event has to be put on hold when Veronica begins to feel some unusual hairs on his back. And when Veronica tries to cut the hairs off, an idea pops inside Brundle's head as he suggests that Veronica should go inside the teleporter so they could be like the Dynamic Duo but Veronica refuses. But Veronica suspects that something went wrong when he went through the telepod and Seth continues to act more and more strange over time. He becomes arrogant and violent and loud too.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: You're a fucking drag, you that!**_

"Sounds like their marriage." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard and an audience boos him after he references Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis' marriage to each other. "Thank you! Thank you! You've been great! Goodnight, everybody!"

"Wow, didn't know they were actually married." Brian said.

"Yeah, from 1987 to 1990." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Veronica refuses Seth's offer to be in the dynamic duo club, Seth says "Fuck it. If you can't join me, then I'll find somebody who will."**

 _ **Seth Brundle: I'll bet you think you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh. You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, gray fear of the flesh.**_

"Penetration and flesh. Is he talking about sex?" Sean asked.

 _ **Seth Brundle: I'm not just talking about sex and penetration. I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh- - a deep, penetrating dive into the plasma pool.**_

"The word you're looking for is, 'anyway'." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Seth's quest for booty begins.**

 **(We see Seth walking down the street eating a candy bar with composer Howard Shore's music score playing through)**

"That's another thing I like about this movie. Howard Shore's music score. As much as I love his work on _The Lord of the Rings_ trilogy, _The Hobbit_ trilogy, _Scanners_ , _The Silence of the Lambs_ and _Mrs. Doubtfire_ , this one was the best." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) On his search for booty, Brundle the Love Machine goes to a bar and comes across a buxom woman named Tawny, played by Joy Boushel. And he makes a bet with the Brawny man wannabe named Marky, played by retired Canadian professional boxer and five-time Canadian heavyweight champ and two-time world heavyweight title challenger George Chuvalo. Seth bets 100 bucks that he can take on Marky in arm wrestling and he takes Tawny home for the night.**

 _ **Tawny (Played by Joy Boushel): Says who? Do I look like a hooker to you?**_

"Uh, dressed like that? Yeah. You look like a hooker." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth takes on Marky in arm wrestling and we see Brundle's impressive super strength.**

 **(Seth beats Marky in arm wrestling, leaving him with a compound fracture as Mark screams in pain)**

 **** _ **Marky (Played by George Chuvalo): (Screaming) My arm!**_

"Ah, you see. It's all in the wrists." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth takes Tawny back to his place and he doesn't throw her in the telepod but he teleports himself to impress her.**

 _ **Tawny: (After seeing Seth step out of the telepod after he teleports himself) Wow. Are you some sort of magician?**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Yes.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then he has sex with her. Boy, I guess you can impress a girl with science and then you can start fucking them. After seeing Jeff Goldblum's intense look that he makes while he's having sex with a woman, the movie had enough downtime to establish that an alcohol rub is very painful for him and then he snaps before tossing her into the telepod.**

 _ **Tawny: I'm afraid.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: Don't be afraid.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: No. Be afraid. Be very afraid.**_

"She said it! She said the tagline for the movie! Oh, and a quick side note here, does Seth even know how to lock his goddamn door?" Sean asked. "And does Tawny even know that alcohol hurts flies? Maybe she didn't get the memo."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After having that awkward moment of having your girlfriend show up on your one-night stand, Tawny leaves and Veronica tells Seth that he's changing.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: You look bad. You smell bad.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: I've never been much of a bather.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Ewww! Use Axe body spray! Veronica tells Seth that she got the hairs on his back examined and that the hairs were not human but in fact, very likely insect hairs and something happened when he went through and that he's si…**

 _ **Seth Brundle: You're jealous!**_

Sean yelps after Seth yells at Veronica.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth doesn't believe Veronica and he just goes nuts.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Look at me. Does this look sick? Does this look like a sick man to you?**_

 **(Seth starts punching the wall, breaking it)**

"That's my initial reaction to seeing Geena Davis in _Cutthroat Island_." Sean said.

"Haven't heard of that one, man." Brian said.

"I have. It was that bad." Sean said.

"Yeah, I've seen it too. Here's a quick tip from us, don't watch it." Dave said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Seth kicks Veronica out of his place, Seth heads to the bathroom and notices a few changes to his body, like his face. Hell, including his fingernails.**

 **(Seth begins to notice that his fingernails are falling off)**

"Okay, for a movie made in the 80's, I have to say that these are the best makeup effects for it's time." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Seth realizes that something went wrong during his teleportation, he checks his computer's records and discovers that the telepod computer merged him with the fly that flew inside the telepod with him at the molecular-genetic level.**

"Hey, dude. Just be glad that you didn't come out of the telepod looking like this." Sean said as a photo from the 1958 version of _The Fly_ pops up with the character Andre Delambre with the head and left arm of a fly.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A few weeks have passed and Seth calls Veronica up from out of the blue for her to come and see him. Veronica goes by at his place and we see that the transformation has taken it's toll on him.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: What happened?**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: A fly got into the… transmitter pod with me that first time when I was alone. Uh, the computer… got confused. There weren't supposed to be two separate genetic patterns and it decided to, uh, splice us together.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film also establishes that Blunder, I mean, Brundle has begun vomiting digestive enzymes onto his food to dissolve it. And we also see him losing some more of his body parts.**

 **(Seth loses his ear and Veronica gasps in horror)**

 _ **Seth Brundle: My… ear. No.**_

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears." Sean said, quoting William Shakespeare's play _Julius_ _Caesar_.

"What have I done to myself in the name of science?!" Brian said making an _I Love the 80s_ reference.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After her and Seth reconcile, Veronica tells Stathis about the current situation going on with Seth and he tells her not to go back to him because it might be contagious.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: If you saw him, Stathis, if you saw how scared and angry and desperate he is.**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: I'm sure Typhoid Mary was a very nice person too when you saw her socially.**_

"Seriously, referencing a comic book villain?" Brian asked.

"Uh, dude. He's talking about Mary Mallon a.k.a. Typhoid Mary. She was the first person in the United States identified as an asymptomatic carrier of the pathogen associated with typhoid fever. She worked as a cook and she infected about 51 people." Sean said.

"Oh, my bad." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Stathis tells Veronica to tape Seth so he could see what he looks like. After that, Veronica goes back to Seth's warehouse where she comes across Seth…**

 **(Seth is walking on walls and ceilings)**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Gotten pretty good at it, haven't I?**_

"Spider-Brundle. Spider-Brundle. Does whatever a Spider-Brundle does. Can he swing from a web? No he can't. He's a fly. Look out, he is the Spider-Brundle." Sean sings and snaps his fingers as Brian and Dave start cracking up.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Seth has the ability to cling to walls and ceilings like Spider-Man and he's very enthusiastic about making a video showing a day in the life of Brundlefly. Stathis watches the video of Seth's and he becomes disgusted like he just watched 2 Girls 1 Cup. None of that is important because a startling revelation is revealed that hits too close to home.**

 _ **Stathis Borans: What is it?**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: I'm pregnant.**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: (Dismissive) Oh, no.**_

 **(Reality starts kicking in)**

 **** _ **Stathis Borans: Oh, no.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: I'm pregnant with Seth's baby.**_

"She doesn't know if it happened before or after he started mutating. Maybe a bit of both." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Veronica goes to a hospital with Stathis and we see one of the doctors, played by David Cronenberg, is receiving the baby that Veronica is about to push out while giving birth and…**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: (Screams) Oh! No!**_

 **(Veronica screams in horror)**

"What? What is it?" Sean asked.

 **(Stathis and the doctor look in horror as well while Veronica continues to scream)**

"Why is Veronica screaming? Can somebody tell me or show me what the…" Sean said until we see that Veronica gave birth to a giant maggot. Sean looks on at shock and sits there frozen. We then see that it's a nightmare that Veronica was having. A second Sean, who is the real one (the other was just a cutout) enters the room with a bottle of Guinness grabs the cutout and throws it out.

"I'm terribly sorry, folks. That version of me has expired. He gave his life after watching that scene and it literally killed him. In the end, Cronenberg shocked him. So please, a moment of silence, if you will." Sean said, looking down at the bottom of the screen, where the words "Myself: 1992-2018" appears while Dave plays _Amazing Grace_ on his kazoo. The young critic then looks to the camera. "Me, on the other hand, WHAT THE HELL, MOVIE?!"

 **(The scene plays again)**

 **Sean: (V/O) I get that she's terrified, but really. That's the most freakiest nightmare fuel I've ever seen in my life! It would scare the piss out of anyone who watch this movie and say "Hey, I'm not gonna get pregnant because I'm gonna give birth to a giant maggot." It's the most freakiest thing ever since that scene that I mentioned in** _ **Videodrome**_ **.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: Oh, God.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that nightmarish scene that would leave you scarred for life, we see that Seth's transformation continues and we see that he's still at the computer trying his best on how to become more human and he loses some teeth in the process and while he deals with his metamorphosis, Veronica shows back up at his place to tell him about the pregnancy but he gets distracted. Seth becomes more deranged and Veronica doesn't even tell him about the pregnancy. Seth then tells Veronica to leave because he has no hope in humanity and that he'll hurt her if she stays. And let's just say that he never learns about this.**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: I want it out of my body now./ I don't want it in my body!**_

 **(As Veronica and Stathis leave, we see Seth standing on the rooftop overhearing their conversation)**

"Ooh, you've made him angry." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Veronica and Stathis head out immediately to a 24-hour clinic and Stathis convinces Dr. Brent Cheevers, played by the late Les Carlson, to perform an abortion in the middle of the night. The two leave Veronica alone in a room with a giant window. I'm sure nothing bad could hap….**

 **(Seth jumps through the window and Veronica screams)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Seth, in his Kool-Aid Man impersonation) Oh, yeah!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth abducts Veronica before the abortion can take place, he begs her to keep the baby as it may be the last remnant of his humanity left.**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Please. Have the baby.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: I can't. I can't.**_

 _ **Seth Brundle: (Groans) Too bad. Too bad.**_

"Well, it's off to Plan B then." Sean said, imitating Brundle.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Stathis breaks into Seth's lab with shotgun at the ready to confront the horrifying creature.**

 **(Seth sneaks up on Stathis)**

 **** _ **Stathis Borans: Jesus.**_

 **(Stathis takes aim as Seth moves the shotgun away and grabs Stathis by his wrist)**

"Hey, you came in his lab with a shotgun and you tried to kill him. You know, that's gonna cost you, an arm and a leg." Sean said.

 **(Seth vomits on Stathis' hand, causing it to dissolve, reducing it to a bloody pulp. Next we see Seth vomiting on Stathis' ankle, causing his foot to fall off as Stathis screams)**

 _ **Seth Brundle: Oh, that's disgusting.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before he could kill Stathis with his chances in being in the sequel, Veronica stops Seth and then he reveals his master plan to her by using the telepods to fuse himself and Veronica together with their unborn child into one horrifying creature.**

"Then if he does that, then they won't be on Earth Girls Are Easy." Sean said. "I mean, it's bad enough that Jeff Goldblum plays an alien on the movie and Geena Davis sings in the movie as well."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Veronica says "no" to Seth's proposition and we see more of the film's amazing makeup effects.**

 **(Veronica accidentally rips off Seth's jaw and screams. An enormous insectoid-human creature bursts from Seth's skin)**

"And we see Stage 6 the final form of the Brundlefly creature. At least he didn't turn into a giant fly. The filmmakers were trying to avoid that. The film's crew referred to this one as the "Space Fly" because this design looks more like an alien." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Brundlefly tosses Veronica into one telepod while himself enters another telepod with the timer counting down until the sequence is complete. But hey, one problem. The guy that he left alive, well he's about to fuck up his plan.**

 **(A wounded Stathis takes aim and fires his shotgun at the wires connecting Veronica's telepod to the computer)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seth tries to break out of his pod to escape and attack, but it's not long enough until the fusion process is complete, taking him and a big chunk of the telepod, turning into the most gruesome creature fused together.**

 **(The telepod door opens as Brundlefly comes out. It is fused with the metal door and cabling of the telepod)**

"Ewww! Oh, my god! That looks horrifying." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Outsiders**_ **plays)**

 _ **Ponyboy Curtis (Played by C. Thomas Howell): Johnny, I think I'm gonna be sick.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Brundlepod crawls over, Veronica picks up the shotgun and prepares to end him. But she can't bear to kill her former lover. Hell, that's exactly what he wants her to do I mean, look at him.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Deadpool**_ **plays)**

 _ **Weasel (Played by T.J. Miller): You are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares./You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado./You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: (Crying) No. No, I can't. No! I can't. No.**_

 **Sean: (V/O imitating Andre Delambre from the 1958 version of** _ **The Fly**_ **) Help me! Help meeee!**

 _ **Veronica Quaife: (Crying) No. God!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Hangover**_ **plays)**

 _ **Officer Franklin (Played by Rob Riggle): Finish him!**_

 **(Veronica tearfully shoots Brundlepod in the head, killing it instantly as she breaks down crying)**

"And thus, ends the tragedy of Seth Brundle. And the movie does continue on after that but it's pretty much where the movie stops. There were a few endings that they threw around and they didn't settle on any one of them. There was one where Veronica was in bed with Stathis, whom she married after Seth Brundle's death, and she dreams of a beautiful human baby with butterfly wings hatching from a cocoon. A very weird ending. I'm glad that they stuck with this ending. And that was David Cronenberg's _The Fly_ and it is one of the best films directed by Cronenberg." Sean said.

 **(Clips from The Fly start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that there's a cardinal rule about remakes and that is the original is better than the remake. But hey, there are some good remakes out there like Michael Mann's** _ **Heat, The Departed, Scarface, The Thing, Ocean's Eleven, King Kong**_ **(both the John Gullermin version and the Peter Jackson version) and** _ **Invasion of the Body Snatchers**_ **.** _ **The Fly**_ **is on that list as one of the best remakes ever. This movie was the breakout role for Jeff Goldblum, who starred in such films like** _ **Death Wish, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Big Chill, Into the Night, Transylvania 6-5000**_ **and** _ **Silverado**_ **, critics praised his performance as the ill-fated Seth Brundle. He received the Saturn Award for Best Actor. And you know, he'll continue to play scientists and intellectuals in films like** _ **Jurassic Park, Independence Day**_ **and** _ **Cats & Dogs**_ **. But hey, he did play The Grandmaster in** _ **Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2**_ **and** _ **Thor: Ragnarok**_ **. And let's talk about the effects in this movie, the makeup effects were pretty amazing for it's time. Big props to special effects/makeup artist Chris Walas, who was known for his creation of the Gremlins for the 1984 movie** _ **Gremlins**_ **and he was partially responsible for the creation of the famous head melting scene from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **. And makeup effects artist Stephan Dupuis, who's known for his work on** _ **Robocop, Amityville II: The Possession, Scanners, Jason X**_ **and** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **. Both Walas and Dupuis both won an Academy Award for Best Makeup for their work on the movie. All in all, this is one of David Cronenberg's best films ever. If you haven't seen it before, then go check it out. And** _ **The Fly**_ **gets five telepods out of five.**

"That is all for my review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and remember, stop programming computers to just do whatever the hell they want for no reason. Or this will happen to you." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **plays)**

 **** _ **Stewie Griffin (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): (After he runs out of the telepod, he is fused with his teddy bear Rupert) Ahhhh! I'm a monster!**_

"See you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from out of his chair and leaves.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Cheeseburger.**_

 **(An extra clip from** _ **The Fly**_ **plays showing a montage of Stathis Borans)**

 _ **Stathis Borans: Want me to come back later and tuck you in?/Yeah? What, his cock?/You're a goddess./What about sex? I'm not saying love or affection, just stress-relieving sex. You and me./Do I have permission to claim your body when this is all over?**_

 _ **Veronica Quaife: You're disgusting, as always.**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: Wouldn't want to disappoint you.**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of David Cronenberg's** _ **The Fly**_ **. So, what did you think of it? I hope it was pretty funny. Next time, it's going to be either a co-review of the sequel to the 1986 movie** _ **The Fly**_ **called** _ **The Fly II**_ **, a look back at the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **series finale called** _ **The Finale**_ **, the** _ **Top 11 Mothers in Movies and Television**_ **since Mother's Day is coming up in May, the Bruce Willis movie** _ **Color of Night**_ **or the DCOM movie** _ **Zombies**_ **, I'm deciding whether or not it should be a co-review or I should just review it myself. Which one do you want me to review? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Again, if you want to do a co-review on a movie or TV show, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	20. Episode Seventeen: The Fly II

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, this is a co-review with fellow reader Boris Yeltsin and we're both movie buffs. Today, we're going to be reviewing the 1989 film** _ **The Fly II**_ **, the sequel to the 1986 movie directed by David Cronenberg. Today, the Sean the Mayhem Critic and his friend Brian take a look at the 1989 sequel** _ **The Fly II**_ **and ask the question, does** _ **The Fly**_ **really deserve a sequel? So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources.** _ **The Fly II**_ **is owned by 20** **th** **Century Fox and Brooksfilm.**

 **Episode Seventeen**

 **The Fly II**

 **(Before the review starts, we get an intro of the** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **. It starts with a shot of Sean's house after we see the sun shining. We then see Sean getting up out of bed and getting ready to start the day while Tears for Fears'** _ **Everybody Wants to Rule the World**_ **play out. Next, we see Sean going to a movie theater while reading a newspaper, he reads an article about** _ **Kim Possible**_ **, the live action movie for Disney Channel and the cast they picked out to play Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable, the two actors are revealed to be newcomer Sadie Stanley and Sean Giambrone from ABC's** _ **The Goldbergs**_ **. A shocked look appears on Sean's face as he throws the newspaper down and enters the movie theater to go see** _ **Teen Titans Go! to the Movies**_ **and realizes what he's about to go see and runs out of the movie theater)**

We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting at his desk once more, this time he's wearing a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap on his head. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. And sitting right next to me and joining me for another guest co-review is my friend Brian. Who you might recognize him from our review of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers the Movie."

"Hey, Sean. Thanks for bringing me here again." Brian said as he shook Sean's hand.

"Let's talk about David Cronenberg's The Fly." Sean said as clips from the 1986 remake start playing.

 **(Clips from** _ **The Fly**_ **(1986) are shown)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) It's one of the great sci-fi/body horror films ever.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie tells the tragic tale of Seth Brundle, a brilliant scientist who transforms himself into a fly after an experiment gone wrong. The movie was a perfect mix of sci-fi, horror and drama.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The movie was a big hit and it won an Academy Award for Best Makeup and a Saturn Award for Best Actor. It's still considered one of the best horror films ever and one of David Cronenberg's finest work yet.**

"But you can't talk about The Fly without bringing up The Fly II." Sean said.

 **(The title card for** _ **The Fly II**_ **is shown, as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released on February 10, 1989. The film had very little to do with Cronenberg's film, David Cronenberg did not return to direct the sequel. The film is directed by Chris Walas, who was known for creating the makeup effects for the first film.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The film picks up after the events of** _ **The Fly**_ **. Tells the story about the son of Brundlefly. Although, there were several different ideas that were thrown around for** _ **The Fly II**_ **. One of these ideas involved cloning technology to bring Seth Brundle back from the dead and Veronica Quaife dealing with the evils of the Bartok company. Originally, Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis was supposed to return for this sequel.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) There were a few changes to the movie and no one reprised their roles for the movie. Except for John Getz. But nobody who worked on the first film returned for the second one.**

"So, does The Fly deserve a sequel?" Brian asked.

"Well, let's take a look at The Fly II and…try not to get our hopes up." Sean said.

 **(The film opens with the 20** **th** **Century Fox logo. Instead of the traditional Fox fanfare music, it is replaced by the sound of flies buzzing)**

"Hold on. I think there's a fly buzzing around the room." Sean said as he pulls out a can of Raid bug spray from underneath his desk and starts spraying around the room while Brian starts coughing.

"Dude, really?!" Brian asked, coughing.

 **Brian: (V/O) We're literally going to start the film off with the sound of flies buzzing?**

"Could be worse. Could've been this." Sean said.

 **(The 20** **th** **Century Fox logo is shown. Instead of the Fox fanfare playing, the song** _ **Lollipop**_ **from** _ **Riverdale**_ **starts playing)**

"Well, yeah. There's that." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens to the evil Bartok Industries. You know, the same Bartok Industries that was mentioned in the first film that financed Brundle's teleportation experiments and we see that Veronica Quaife, once again played by Geena…you're not Geena Davis.**

"Wait a minute. If that's not Geena Davis, then who the hell is that?" Sean asked.

"That is Saffron Henderson. She's a Canadian voice actress and singer." Brian said as a photo of Saffron Henderson pops up.

"What has she done?" Sean asked.

"Well, she played the voice of Kid Goku and Kid Gohan in the English dubs of Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z. And she's done some live action work as well. In fact, the same year she was on another horror movie." Brian said until Sean began to realize what movie she was on.

"Holy shit and shove me in it. Now I remember who she is. She played that rocker chick J.J. on Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan." Sean said, rubbing his head.

"Yup, the one who got her head bashed in with her own guitar." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, we see that Veronica, played by Saffron Henderson, is going into labor. Please be human, please be human.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we see that Stathis, once again played by John Getz, looks on. For about one minute.**

 _ **Stathis Borans (Played by John Getz): Something's wrong, goddamn it. Do something, goddamn it! Help her!**_

 _ **Dr. Jainway (Played by Ann Marie Lee): You're too excitable, Mr. Borans. I'm forced to have you taken somewhere you can calm down. Screaming will not help anyone now.**_

"Oh, yeah. The doctors at Bartok Industries know what they're doing…NOT!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The doctors kick Stathis out of the movie, for awhile. Don't worry, we'll see him again later on in the film. As Veronica is giving birth to the Brundle baby, we're introduced to the evil Anton Bartok, played by the late Lee Richardson from** _ **The Exorcist III: Legion**_ **.**

 **(Veronica pushes out the cocoon and screams)**

"Oh, God! This is just like her nightmare! It's happening for real!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, Veronica's nightmare came true as she gives birth to a squirming larvae sac, then dies from shock.**

 **(The monitors flatline as Veronica dies)**

 _ **Doctor: She's gone.**_

"Wow! An established well-liked character being killed off on the opening scene. Boy, this movie is getting good." Sean said in a sarcastic tone. "Like when have we seen that before ever in a movie?"

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween 5**_ **plays where Michael stabs Rachel with a pair of scissors. The next clip plays from** _ **Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers**_ **plays where Michael kills Jamie by impaling her on a corn thresher and disemboweling her. The last clip from** _ **Halloween: Resurrection**_ **plays, showing the scene where Michael kills his sister Laurie Strode by stabbing her and throwing her off the roof)**

Sean and Brian, who are both fans of the Halloween film franchise, both look at the camera in disgust.

"Never. Play. Those. Scenes. Ever. Again." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But wait, there's something moving in the cocoon, and we see the offspring of Veronica and Brundlefly. Despite being a monstrous cocoon, it turns out to be a perfectly human baby.**

 **(The doctor is seen holding the seemingly normal baby boy)**

Sean and Brian stayed quiet for a bit.

"Okay, you definitely know that joke is coming." Sean said.

 **(The scene plays again, this time with the song** _ **Circle of Life**_ **from** _ **The Lion King**_ **plays)**

"Hey, originally we opted for the Map Room score from Raiders of the Lost Ark." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we see the birth of baby Brundle, we get our opening credits and we get to listen to composer Christopher Young's music score. Which is alright. I mean, I like Howard Shore's music score from the first one better. But this guy composed the music for** _ **Hellraiser**_ **and** _ **Hellbound: Hellraiser II**_ **and Tobe Hooper's** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **. But the music is still pretty good.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We see that the film was written by Mick Garris, Jim and Ken Wheat and Frank Darabont.**

"Whoa, hold it. Jim and Ken Wheat. They're the ones that wrote the first Riddick movie Pitch Black and A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. And Mick Garris directed film adaptations of Stephen King stories like Sleepwalkers with Madchen Amick and The Stand with Molly Ringwald. And Frank Darabont was the executive producer of the first and second seasons of AMC's The Walking Dead and he also directed film adaptations of Stephen King's novels like The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and The Mist.

"Yup." Brian said.

"Boy, this is going to be a good movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After our opening credits, we see Bartok having a meeting with the scientists about the child.**

 _ **Anton Bartok (Played by the late Lee Richardson): I want you to take care of him as if he were my very own. You will all answer to Dr. Jainway. She, in turn, will answer to me. I, in turn, will answer to nobody but God. From God's mouth to your ears. That is the chain of command.**_

"And you, in turn, shall answer to Satan." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Jainway…**

 **(A photo of Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager pops up)**

 **Brian: (Chuckles) Wrong Janeway. Her last name is spelled differently. She's one of the lab turncoats for Bartok Industries, she's played by Ann Marie Lee. And you already know Mr. Evil CEO Man Anton Bartok and Sean mentioned that Lee Richardson was on** _ **The Exorcist III: Legion**_ **. We learn that the child of Veronica Quaife and Seth Brundle is aging faster than any normal human being. We also learn that his physical and mental maturity is highly accelerated and he has a photographic memory like Olive Doyle from** _ **A.N.T. Farm**_ **.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We learn that his active genes are just boring as human ones and the mutant genes are dormant.**

"Oh, no. He's got the Robin Williams' Jack disease." Sean said, referencing the Francis Ford Coppola film starring the late Robin Williams.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And then, we're introduced to little Martin Brundle, who's 4-years-old. He's played by Matthew Moore.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: What a handsome young man you are. Do you know who I am?**_

 _ **Martin Brundle, age 4 (Played by Matthew Moore): Yes. You're one of the people who lives behind the mirror.**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: Well, my name is Mr. Bartok. I'd like you to think of me as your dad. Martin? What's that behind your ear?  
**_

 **(He does a magic trick and holds up a quarter)**

 _ **Anton Bartok: Aah! Hey!**_

 **(Martin giggles)**

"Not only Anton Bartok is an evil CEO. He's also a great magician. Move aside, David Blaine." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We skip ahead to when Martin looks about 10-years-old and mind you that he's three. Martin at age 10 is played by Harley Cross. We see that the lab techs make him do tests that he easily pass and that they give the kid free reign to create whatever the hell they want just to annoy them.**

 _ **Dr. Shepard (Played by Frank C. Turner, credited as Frank Turner): You've outdone yourself. But what else does it do?**_

 **(Martin squirts water from the helmet on Dr. Shepard's face)**

"Ooh, bad idea to be spraying water on Beverly Marsh's father's face." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the Stephen King miniseries** _ **It**_ **plays)**

 _ **Alvin Marsh (Played by Frank C. Turner): (After chasing Beverly out of the house) You get the hell right back here, Bevvy! And in front of God, I'll whip the skin off of you!**_

"He'll learn it's not all fun and games though." Brian said, sipping his wine.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Also, we learn that Martin tend to piss Dr. Jainway off because he has to take some shots for him to stay alive.**

 _ **Martin Brundle, age 10 (Played by Harley Cross): How come I don't have Zone Four clearance?**_

 _ **Dr. Jainway: Because you're only a Zone Three project. You're fidgeting again!**_

 _ **Martin Brundle, age 10: It's normal behavior. I read it in a book for mothers.**_

"Jeez, Dr. Jainway can be such a bitch." Sean said.

"Yeah. Some mother for this kid." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see the adventures of Martin Brundle as we see him granting himself Zone Four access by creating himself a keycard and sneak around the Bartok complex because the idiots at Bartok do a great job at keeping track of him.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) While exploring the complex, Martin enters a room filled with laboratory animals and makes a friend, an adorable golden retriever.**

 _ **Martin Brundle, age 10: You know, I've got this disease. It's so rare there's only been two people who've ever had it – my father and now me. They've even named it after him. It's called Brundle's Accelerated Growth Syndrome.**_

"So, Martin's got BAGS." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghoulies**_ **plays)**

 _ **Rebecca (Played by Lisa Pelikan): That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not only he sneaks around the complex, not once but twice as we see that Bartok has continued research on Seth's telepods and we see his furry friend that he made friends with a scene before. Not only have the scientists managed to reassemble the telepods but they attempt to test it out by using the dog.**

"Oh, dear. This isn't going to end well. We've seen this happened before when Seth attempts to teleport the baboon." Sean said.

 **(A clip from David Cronenberg's** _ **The Fly**_ **plays, showing a scene where Seth teleports a baboon with gory results)**

"Oh, boy." Brian said, knowing what might happen.

 **(The dog is teleported to another telepod. The door to the other telepod opens as the scientist checks)**

 _ **Scientist: It worked! He's moving around! He's still alive!**_

"Well, so far so good." Sean said.

 **(However, the dog comes out mutated and bites three of the scientist's fingers off)**

"OH, SHIT!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

 **(Martin screams as Dr. Jainway and Bartok notice that he was watching)**

 _ **Dr. Jainway: How the hell did he get in here?**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.**_

 **(Bartok tries to comfort Martin)**

"Oh, shit! Martin, it's okay. It's just a dream. You didn't see anything, it was just your imagination. Just go back to your room. Your friend is alright." Sean said, imitating the character Anton Bartok.

 **Brian: (Narrating) We time skip to two years later and we see that it's Martin's fifth birthday.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also see that Martin's body has matured to a body of a 25-year-old. Grown-up Martin is played by Eric Stoltz, who was 27-years-old at the time.**

"A little fun fact about Eric Stoltz, he was originally cast as Marty McFly for Back to the Future in late 1984. But he was replaced after about a month of filming when Michael J. Fox agreed to divide time between the movie and Family Ties." Brian said.

"Originally, he was supposed to be Marty McFly. Now, he's Marty McFly." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard and the sound of crickets chirping is heard while Brian gives him a look. "Get it? His name is Martin and he's a fly. That's why he's called…eh, forget it."

"Well, let's see what Uncle Anton has as a birthday gift for the big boy, huh?" Brian said.

 _ **Anton Bartok: Say the magic word and make the mirror disappear.**_

 **(Bartok hands Martin the champagne bottle and Martin throws the bottle at the two-way mirror, breaking it)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Actually, Bartok presents Martin with a bungalow on the facility's property. So, yeah. Martin has his own place.**

 _ **Martin Brundle (Played by Eric Stoltz): You mean, this is mine? This is my place?**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: Your place. Your private place. No more mirrors, no more prying eyes.**_

"Unless you count Donald Trump and the NSA. Oh, and we will be monitoring your Facebook feed and your Twitter as well." Sean said, imitating Bartok again.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But all this hospitality comes at a high price though when Bartok offers Martin a position at Bartok Industries and he wants him on board for the telepod project as tests tend to screw up. As tempting this offer sounds, Martin is feeling uneasy about working on the telepods.**

 _ **Martin Brundle: I don't like these things.**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: It's because of the dog, isn't it? How long are you gonna hold that against me?**_

"Uh, until the climax of the movie. That's how long I'm gonna hold that against you." Brian said, imitating Martin Brundle.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Martin won't be starting from square one, so Bartok presents him with some videos of his father to that documented his progress with the telepods.**

 _ **Seth Brundle (Played by Jeff Goldblum): (On video) I don't know. It's possible that the teleporter has somehow improved me.**_

"They didn't bring Jeff Goldblum back for the film. That's actually a deleted scene from the first film that they figured out a way to use in the second film. And it's actually pretty neat, I have to commend them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After listening to the ramblings of his father, Martin decides to test the telepods out by successfully teleporting a telephone and it still works. Wanting to teleport living things, Martin goes in search of organic matter until he runs into Beth Logan, played by Daphne Zuniga.**

 _ **Beth Logan (Played by Daphne Zuniga): Are you new here?  
**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: I've been here five years.**_

 _ **Beth Logan: Five years, and they still have you working nights.**_

"In case you're wondering, yes, that's the same Daphne Zuniga who played Princess Vespa in Spaceballs. A little fun fact, Mel Brooks was a secret producer of The Fly and The Fly II and he suggested her for this one." Sean said. "And another little fun fact, I almost met Daphne Zuniga at the Comic Expo last year in my city, but I was sad that I didn't get a chance to meet her because I could've told her how much I've enjoyed Spaceballs and The Fly II. But I did end up meeting Julian Glover from Game of Thrones and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Ralph Macchio from The Outsiders and The Karate Kid, John Ratzenberger from Toy Story and Cheers and Wallace Shawn from The Princess Bride and Toy Story."

"Lucky bastard." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Martin befriends Beth and he borrows her cactus to test out the telepod.**

"Watch the needles." Brian warned.

"Yeah, because I've seen people hurting themselves on cacti before." Sean said.

 **(A clip from TruTV's** _ **World's Dumbest Daredevils**_ **plays, showing a clip of a guy jumping from out of a pickup truck and into some cacti)**

 **(The teleported cactus comes out looking weird)**

 _ **Beth Logan: What's that?**_

"It's a cactus. What the hell do you think it was?" Sean asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Luckily, Beth isn't upset that her cactus got messed up in the telepod and tells Martin that he could keep it and she tells him that he should beta-test the program. Martin and Beth taking a liking to each other and they become friends. Also, let's establish another character here. An asshole security guard named Scooby, I mean, Scorby. He's played by Garry Chalk.**

"Garry Chalk is also a voice actor who you might recognize him as the voice of Optimus Prime and Optimus Primal in Beast Wars: Transformers, Beast Machines, Transformers: Armada, Transformers Energon and Transformers Cybertron. Also, he voiced the character Grounder in The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Dr. Robotnik in Sonic Underground." Sean said.

"It's Dr. Eggman." Dave said.

"You shut up, Dave! We're sticking with Robotnik! Eggman is a silly name and I didn't care for that name and we're gonna keep calling him Robotnik." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, we see that Scooby, I mean, Scorby, has it in for Martin… because… he's trying to bully Martin.**

 _ **Scorby (Played by Garry Chalk): Hey, Marty. What's the good word? Got yourself a girlfriend now?**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: No.**_

 _ **Scorby: Too bad. Nice ass.**_

"Ugh, hope he gets killed at some point." Brian said.

"Agreed." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The next day, Martin gushes about sleeping for two hours. This is because his accelerated growth condition may be slowing and him being more normal because he used to never sleep.**

 **(Dr. Jainway gives Martin a shot, but the needle breaks)**

 _ **Martin Brundle: Aah! Ow!**_

 _ **Dr. Jainway: Uh! That's what you get for not sitting still!**_

"Bitch, who the fuck are you yelling at?! My god, these people at Bartok Industries are assholes! Assholes that deserve a good killing. And note to self: cancel my appointment with Dr. Jainway." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Jainway: Now, let's try it again.**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: I don't think so.**_

"And to think I was gonna see her for my leg issues." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We have more important matters to discuss. Let's see what's going on with Martin and Beth. We get a montage of them dancing and working on the telepods and Beth teaching Martin how to fish while country music is playing.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) After that montage, Beth invites Martin to a party at the specimens division. And when Martin arrives, something else catches his attention when a group of observers talk about a certain specimen that they kept for two years. And curiosity has the best of him when Martin decides to check out what everyone was gawking at, and lo and behold.**

 **(It is revealed that Bartok kept the mutated dog alive and studied)**

"Oh, God. What is Chris Walas doing to us? As a lover of both dogs and cats, this has got to be one of the saddest scenes ever just to see that poor dog suffer." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Martin gets pissed, thinking that Beth is aware of the dog's imprisonment and does what a person does on Facebook to stop being friends with them. He unfriends her.**

 _ **Beth Logan: I thought we were friends!**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: I thought we were too.**_

 _ **Beth Logan: Look, I didn't know that animal…**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: Stay out of my sector! You no longer have clearance.**_

Sean starts laughing a bit. "Yeah, he's just like a 5-year-old."

 **Brian: (Narrating) Martin head's down to the animal's holding pen to go see the deformed dog and the dog remembers him…**

"Okay, so the film was written by two directors who worked on film adaptations of Stephen King novels and Frank Darabont was one of them. This guy directed The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. Oh, no. This is a really sad scene." Sean said.

 **(Martin tearfully euthanizes it with chloroform to end it's suffering)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, Jesus!**

"This movie received a certain amount of backlash mostly because of this scene. Many viewers were disturbed by the dog's appearance and sad fate. In the DVD commentary, director Chris Walas said that the audience would feel more sympathy for mutated dog than a human." Sean said.

"You mind telling that to David Cronenberg? There was a deleted scene involving Seth merging a cat and a baboon together and it comes out deformed and he ends up beating it to death with a metal pipe." Brian said.

 **(The infamous deleted scene from David Cronenberg's** _ **The Fly**_ **plays, showing Seth beating the deformed monkey-cat to death)**

"Next?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After putting his friend to sleep, we cut to Martin scanning himself in the telepod and Bartok questions him about the "incident" in the Specimens Division.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: Someone broke in and caused some damage. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?**_

"Stick to your story, kid. It's not a lie if you believe it." Sean said.

 _ **Martin Brundle: No.**_

 _ **Dr. Jainway: He's lying.**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: Of course he's lying.**_

"Oh, come on. It's not like you caught him with sprinkles on his face and lying about eating them." Brian said.

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **Sean: (as Bartok) Martin, an unfortunate incident has happened in the kitchen. Do you by any chance have anything to do with the sprinkles?**

 **Brian: (as Martin with sprinkles around his mouth) No.**

 **Sadie, Sean's friend: (as Jainway) He's lying.**

 **Sean: I know. Our dear Martin is growing up.**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of growing up, Martin forgives Beth and grants her clearance to the lab again. He even presents her with an adorable little kitten.**

"Awww, isn't that kitten cute? I'm naming him Milo." Sean said, smiling.

"It's not a tabby, is it?" Brian asked.

"It is. It's a tabby." Sean said.

"Nice." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, I'm sure that Martin won't do anything to the kitten….**

 **(Martin takes the kitten)**

 _ **Beth Logan: Where are you going?**_

"Martin, what the fuck are you doing?" Sean asked.

 _ **Beth Logan: Martin, you can't do that.**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: It's all right. Initiate the sequence.**_

 _ **Beth Logan: No, I can't.**_

"He can't possibly be serious." Brian said.

"Martin, I swear if something bad happens to the kitten, I swear on the six-armed god of yoga." Sean said.

 _ **Martin Brundle: Trust me.**_

Sean then pulls out his Beretta M9 pistol from out of his desk while Brian picks up his golf club.

"My friend, this is not going to be your lucky day. You're going to end up like your father." Brian said.

 **(Beth presses the button on the keyboard to initiate the sequence and teleports the kitten. The kitten comes out of the telepod and meows. The kitten is revealed to be looking normal)**

Sean is now seen holding his cat Riley.

"Wow, it really works!" Sean smiled and looked at Riley. "Yeah, it does."

 **Brian: (Narrating) The kitten turned out fine and the success of the telepods impressed Beth and she asks him how did he do it and Martin says a bunch of scientific babble and teaching the computer to learn how to love the flesh.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of flesh, Martin and Beth become lovers and…**

 **(We cut to a sex scene between Martin and Beth)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, my God.**

 **(A dramatic sting plays)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, my God!**

"BAD TOUCH!" Sean and Brian both yelled out as an alarm goes off and Sean picks up his phone.

"911 Emergency? I know this is going to sound crazy but Princess Vespa is having sex with a grown man and he's 5-years-old. You have to go over there and arrest her. HURRY!" Sean freaks out.

 **Brian: (V/O) Well, I guess you can say that Martin lost his virginity at a young age.**

 **(A comedic rimshot is heard and a clip from David Cronenberg's** _ **The Fly**_ **plays)**

 _ **Veronica Quaife (Played by Geena Davis): You're disgusting, as always.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After an inspirational boink, we cut to Martin devises a potential cure for his condition, which involves swapping out his mutated genes for healthy human genes from point A to point B. But then, a crisis emerges when Marty McFly is showing signs of his mutation when he noticed some white stuff coming out of his arm and he knows that it's not an infection.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile with Beth, she is suddenly transferred across town when Scooby, I mean Scorby, breaks the news to her.**

 _ **Scorby: We've already sent your personal effects over. I guess that's what you get for fucking around with Bartok's pet freak, huh? (Hands her the videotape) For your eyes only.**_

"Anton, you're a shithead." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They also cut access between Martin and Beth. And like most 5-year-olds in the 80's, he knows how to rewire electronics and he's able to communicate with Beth.**

 _ **Beth Logan: Martin, I was transferred. They found out about us. Bartok knows about us.**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: How could he? We've never told anyone.**_

 _ **Beth Logan: Because he saw us! He videotaped us in bed!**_

 **(We cut to Martin storming into his house in anger)**

Sean starts chuckling a bit. "I'm sorry. The way he entered his home was hilarious. If Bartok filmed me and my girlfriend in bed, this is what would happen." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway gag)**

 **(Sean enters Bartok's office. He is armed with an MP5K)**

 **Sean: Bartok, you spying son of a bitch! Time for you and your goons to die!**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Turns out that Bartok has kept Martin under surveillance for his entire life and Martin throws the mother of all temper tantrums just like a 5-year-old and they bugged his home with video cameras. He kicks the door to the surveillance room down and chases the technicians out of the room and catch up on some history of himself and the startling truth about his father's fate.**

 **(Martin watches a video, which was footage from the 1986 film)**

 _ **Seth Brundle: (On video) A fly… got into the… transmitter pod with me that first time when I was alone. The computer got confused. There weren't supposed to be two separate genetic patterns, and it decided to… splice us together. It made us a human fly.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After learning about his father's fate, Bartok confronts Martin and explains to him why he's been lying to him for all of his life because he's been waiting for his inevitable mutation and his plan to use Martin's body and the telepods for genetic manipulation for profit.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: This was planned from the day you were born. We'll do everything we can to make it as painless as possible for you.**_

"Dude, you lied to Martin. He trusted you. There's no way he's going to reason with you." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Martin makes his escape but Bartok send Scorby to stop him.**

 _ **Scorby: You want out? You have to go through me, Marty.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Martin) Sure, don't mind if I…**

 **(Scorby punches Martin in the face)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Martin) Ow! You crotch-grabber!**

 _ **Scorby: I enjoyed that tape of you and your girlfriend. Girl goes like a jackhammer, doesn't she?**_

"Run Marty, run!" Brian said.

 **(Martin grabs Scorby and throws him out the window)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Martin escapes from Bartok Industries and figures what better place to hide out at. Well, on Beth's houseboat. He sees Beth and tells her about what's going on with him. Beth agrees to help him and with Bartok on their tail, the two are on the run and they go to visit the one man that would be able to help them out. A certain bearded douchebag.**

 **(Martin and Beth arrive at Stathis' house)**

 _ **Beth Logan: (Clears throat) We have to talk to you, sir.**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: I said, piss off!**_

"Some host he is." Brian said.

 _ **Martin Brundle: Seth Brundle was my father.**_

 **(Stathis opens the door and sees Martin)**

 _ **Stathis Borans: Striking family resemblance. A little big for five years old, aren't you?**_

"Well, Jeff Goldblum is one tall motherfucker." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Stathis lets them in and we see that he's been having better days. More like having one too many chicken sandwich sandwiches. Beth and Martin talk to Stathis about a cure for Martin. And Stathis proceeds to be a drunken douchebag.**

 _ **Stathis Borans: Brundle stole my girl. Your mother. Got her pregnant. Caused her death. Dissolved my hand and my foot with fly vomit. I had no love for the man. He bugged me.**_

"Booo!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

 _ **Stathis Borans: As for the cure he was working on… he dragged your mother kicking and screaming into that telepod that they might be fused together in one beautiful body. So your mother blew his brains out with a shotgun. There's your cure.**_

 _ **Beth Logan: You bastard! Where's your compassion?**_

 _ **Stathis Borans: (Chuckling) I had to give it up. It cost me an arm and a leg.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, the least helpful man on the Earth!" Brian exclaimed, imitating Kevin McCaffrey.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Stathis eventually tells Martin and Beth that the way to cure Martin is to sacrifice another life to restore his humanity. And he gives them his jeep as a going-away present.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at Bartok Industries. Bartok is trying to use the telepods but he is unable to use them because Martin has installed a password and he booby-trapped it. Which means, type in one wrong password it'll erase all internl programming. So, in order to use the telepods, Bartok needs Martin for the password.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: Clever. Clever boy.**_

"That is a genius idea. I should have my laptop booby-trapped so no one could use it. But I have some important fanfiction stories that I don't want to lose." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Martin and Beth are still on the run from Bartok and they're holding up in a motel room, where Beth wakes up to see Martin's condition drastically changes.**

 _ **Beth Logan: Y-You need help.**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: (His voice is deepening) You don't think I can take care of myself?**_

 _ **Beth Logan: No. You can't walk. I… think you're getting worse.**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: I'm getting better. My body is growing… stronger. I feel good.**_

 _ **Beth Logan: You don't know what you're saying.**_

 _ **Martin Brundle: I do know what I'm saying.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.**

 **(Martin removes his human right eye, revealing an insect eye)**

 _ **Martin Brundle: I can see so much better now. Beth, if you stay awhile, I'll show you a magic trick you'll never forget.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Scary Movie**_ **plays)**

 _ **Shorty (Played by Marlon Wayans): Run, bitch, run!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) All this is getting freaky for Beth. So she says, "screw running" and ends up calling Bartok. Bartok and his team arrive and he questions Martin for the password. Martin doesn't tell Bartok, so they send Marty McFly back to Bartok Industries, where Martin is enveloped in a cocoon.**

"And cue the final transformation." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since Martin is completing his metamorphosis, Bartok doesn't need him for the password, so he interrogates Beth for it.**

"Dumb idea, even she doesn't know it." Brian pointed out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with Martin, we see that Dr. Jainway is alone in the room with the cocoon examining him and he emerges from his cocoon. Well, that was quick. So much for it being at least a week. And thus, "Martinfly is born and he goes after his first victim.**

 **(Dr. Jainway screams as Martinfly kills her after he emerges from his cocoon)**

"And the body count has started." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this turns into your standard sci-fi horror flick. With the original film being a sci-fi horror tragedy, this becomes a sci-fi horror action flick. With Martin on the loose, Bartok sends Scorby and his security team armed with MP5 assault rifles to stop Martinfly. Oh and they send in their Rottweiler, that Martin doesn't kill but pets him because he cares for animals, dammit. Instead, he goes after Beverly Marsh's abusive father and kills him and throws him at one of the security guards like a ragdoll.**

"Another thing I like about this movie is the design of Martinfly. Don't get me wrong, I like it better than the design of Brundlefly from the first film. Plus, Chris Walas wanted to show off the nifty creature effects and gore. In fact, I like this part coming up right now." Sean said.

 **(Martin fly appears and spits acid on the guard's face and the guard tears his face off)**

"Wow, he doesn't fuck around." Brian said.

 _ **Dr. Trimble (Played by William S. Taylor, credited as William Taylor): Just tell them to kill it!**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: Don't be an idiot. I need a live subject for study. Martin's no use to me dead.**_

 _ **Scorby: He might be right, Mr. Bartok. Your Martin's already killed three people.**_

 _ **Anton Bartok: Well, that's tragic and sad, but I haven't come this far to lose everything now.**_

 **(Martin cuts the power)**

 _ **Anton Bartok: Clever. Clever boy.**_

"You were saying, old man?" Sean asked, imitating Scorby while holding an uzi.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Martin goes through the air duct and breaks into Bay 17, where he confronts Bartok. Scorby shoots Martin, injuring him. And Martin throws Hargis, played by Andrew Rhodes into an elevator shaft, where this happens.**

 **(Hargis' head is crushed like a watermelon underneath an elevator, instantly killing him as Beth screams)**

"Oh, my God! Dude, that was the best kill ever." Sean said.

"Fun fact, this was the scene that gave some controversy with the MPAA, they originally gave the movie an "X" rating because of the movie's graphic violence." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Scooby, I mean Scorby, isn't going to take this shit anymore as he starts shooting like a madman and tries to go after Martin.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: I want him alive, damn you!**_

 **(An enraged Scorby points his MP5 at Bartok, then reloads another clip)**

"Screw you, Bartok. I'm killing the damn thing!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Scorby once more.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Scorby looks for Martin and tries to kill him, but instead he kills Trimble.**

 _ **Scorby: (After he accidentally kills Trimble after thinking he's the fly monster) Fuck!**_

"Fuck! He was the only black guy in the movie. I'm black, does every movie got to have a black guy that dies first?" Sean asked.

"I can see how you'd think that way. A lot of horror movies tend to do that. Why? I don't know." Brian said, taking a sip of his beer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Martinfly grabs Scorby-Doo and snaps his spine like he's Tom Hardy from** _ **The Dark Knight Rises**_ **.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: Scorby? Scorby? Where are you?**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Scorby) Over heeeeeeeeeere!**

 **(Martin throws Scorby's corpse out in the open)**

 **Brian: (V/O as Martin) Anton!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, only one man left as Martin comes face to face with Bartok, who's armed with a Desert Eagle.**

 _ **Anton Bartok: Don't do anything rash. I won't hesitate to kill you in a second if I have to.**_

"Oh, really? You think that a measly Desert Eagle could stop him?" Brian asked.

 **(Bartok shoots Martin)**

"Oh, he's dead. Roll credits. Movie's over." Sean said.

 **(The end credits are shown)**

"He's not gone, not by a long shot." Brian said as the movie continues.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm kidding. Martin lives after faking out Bartok. He grabs the evil CEO and forces him to type in the password.**

 **(Bartok types in the password. The password is revealed to be "DAD", activating the gene swapping progam)**

"Awww, the password is "Dad". The dad he never had." Sean said.

"So, sad." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Martin enters the telepod, dragging Bartok along with him. Martin gestures Beth to activate the sequence while Bartok protests not to activate it. Beth activates the program, teleporting Martinfly and Bartok to the other telepod.**

 **(The door to the other telepod opens up, revealing Bartok as a freakish, grotesque monster)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Bartok transformed into a hideous monster, Martin is restored to a fully human form. As for Bartok, he's kept in the same cell where the dog used to be, living the rest of his life as a mutated freak.**

"Ironic. Who's laughing now?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Bartok crawling around and we get a shot of a fly sitting on the dish.**

"And that's how the film ends. Well, there was an alternate ending where Martin and Beth are sitting on Beth's houseboat and Beth asks him if how he's feeling better, much better. But they stuck with the ending where they want to show us how fucked up he looks. Doesn't matter which ending they used, I liked both endings. And that was The Fly II and I think it's a pretty underrated sequel." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **The Fly II**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This film received negative reviews from critics and many believe that director Chris Walas is set out to repeat the success of the original film.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Think of the movie as an old 50's monster movie with a lot of gore effects and that's what Walas was going for and the movie is appreciated by many fans of the horror genre.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just like underrated sequels like** _ **Psycho II**_ **and** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **, this is one that I really enjoyed. Although, there are some parts that are dumb like the computer making this video game beeping noise. I like that this one was much different than the original. With the first film being sci-fi with horror and drama, this one was a generic monster movie. But coming off** _ **The Fly**_ **, it really comes off a letdown.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The acting was pretty good. I enjoyed Eric Stoltz performance as Martin Brundle. And some of the memorable scenes come off as effects eye candy or humor with awkward dialogue.**

"A good but underrated sequel. A great follow-up to _The Fly_. Now, there was a follow-up to _The Fly II_ called _The Fly: Outbreak_. In that one, it involves Martin Brundle trying to cure the mutated Anton Bartok but he ends up starting an outbreak. Plus, it's a comic. Anyway, check out _The Fly II_ and give this one a chance. That's why we're giving it 3 projectile vomits out of 5. That is it for today's review, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm his friend Brian." Brian said.

"And we'll see you guys next time." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Clever. Clever boy.**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **The Fly II**_ **. Special thanks to Boris Yeltsin for co-reviewing this movie with me because we both like the sequel and it was pretty underrated. Anyway, next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, I'm either going to be reviewing the Disney Channel original movie** _ **Zombies**_ **or since Mother's Day is coming up, I will be taking a look at the** _ **Top 11 Moms in Television**_ **. See which TV mom made the cut. Which one should I do next? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for another** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **review. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	21. Episode Eighteen: Disney's Zombies

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well, I wanted to review this movie after I bought it on DVD. And of course, I'm talking about** _ **Disney's Zombies**_ **. Let's see if the popular Disney Channel original movie doesn't annoy Sean the Mayhem Critic. Will he enjoy it or will he not like it? Let's take a look at the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Zombies**_ **is owned by Disney and Disney Channel.**

 **Episode Eighteen**

 **Disney's Zombies**

We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting at his desk, this time he is on his laptop reading comments from different readers regarding today's movie that he's reviewing.

"Boy, everyone want me to review this movie. I know you all want me to review this movie, but really? You couldn't ask me to review anything else besides this one? I've been reading over your comments and you all have a lot to say to me. This one's from Guest: "Please review _Zombies_." This is from ZombiesFan: "You've gotta review _Zombies_. We want to know your opinion for this movie." Another review from MegMilo: "Where's the _Zombies_ review? What's taking so long?" Oh, and here's one from Guest #2: "Review _Zombies_ you…." Okay, that's not very nice to say. Well, I know you all want me to review this movie. And it's about that time. Cue the intro." Sean said as the intro starts.

 **(The intro starts with a shot of Sean's house after we see the sun shining. We then see Sean getting up out of bed and getting ready to start the day while Tears for Fears'** _ **Everybody Wants to Rule the World**_ **play out. Next, we see Sean going to a movie theater while reading a newspaper, he reads an article about** _ **Kim Possible**_ **, the live action movie for Disney Channel and the cast they picked out to play Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable, the two actors are revealed to be newcomer Sadie Stanley and Sean Giambrone from ABC's** _ **The Goldbergs**_ **. A shocked look appears on Sean's face as he throws the newspaper down and enters the movie theater to go see** _ **Teen Titans Go! to the Movies**_ **and realizes what he's about to go see and runs out of the movie theater)**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about Disney Channel." Sean said.

 **(A photo of the current logo for Disney Channel is shown, as well as photos from old shows from Disney Channel and current shows are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Disney Channel. An important part of my childhood. I was first introduced to the Disney Channel when I watched the movie** _ **Halloweentown**_ **for the first time. In fact, I grew up watching the shows on Disney Channel when I was seven years old. Shows like** _ **So Weird, Even Stevens, Lizzie McGuire, That's So Raven, The Famous Jett Jackson, The Proud Family**_ **. When I was growing up, there were other shows on Disney Channel that I loved watching like** _ **Phil of the Future, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody**_ **and believe it or not** _ **Hannah Montana**_ **. I was around 14 years old at the time and I had a crush on Miley Cyrus. Since then, I didn't watch Disney Channel for a while since my mom got rid of cable and I was missing out on new shows and back in 2011, mom started getting cable again, this time Dish Network. I was 19 and I went back to my childhood, watching the current new shows like** _ **A.N.T. Farm, Jessie, Good Luck Charlie**_ **and** _ **Wizards of Waverly Place**_ **. Over the years, Disney Channel has given us good shows like** _ **Girl Meets World, Best Friends Whenever, Andi Mack, Raven's Home, Bunk'd**_ **and** _ **Stuck in the Middle**_ **. But then, the execs at Disney Channel have made some dumb decisions that I would like to punch them in the brain like cancelling** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **and green-lighting a stupid show involving a kid with a talking right hand.**

"But the best part about Disney Channel would have to be the DCOMs." Sean said.

 **(Photos and clips from different Disney Channel original movies are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Who doesn't love Disney Channel's original movies? They're pretty good. Well, some of them. But the best DCOMs in my opinion are** _ **Dadnapped, Halloweentown, Halloweentown II: Kalabar's Revenge, Adventures in Babysitting, Invisible Sister, Cloud 9, Girl vs. Monster**_ **. Okay, it's a lot to list but I like all of them. But then, Disney Channel came up with an idea for a new original movie in the throws of** _ **High School Musical, Descendants**_ **and** _ **Descendants 2**_ **.**

"And this little movie is simply called _Zombies_." Sean said.

 **(The title card for** _ **Disney's Zombies**_ **is shown, as well as clips from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aired February 16, 2018 on Disney Channel,** _ **Zombies**_ **tells the tale of zombies and cheerleaders and a love story between a beautiful cheerleader and a zombie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghoulies**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Rebecca (Played by Lisa Pelikan): That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.**_

"That's the same reaction I had when I first read about it. I mean, was Disney Channel running out of ideas?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, it's based on an unaired TV pilot produced by the Disney Channel in 2012. It was known as** _ **Zombies and Cheerleaders**_ **, where it starred Luke Benward, Maia Mitchell and John DeLuca. This was remade into a movie. The film was directed by Paul Hoen, who's best known for directing a couple of episodes of** _ **Andi Mack, Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, Zeke and Luther, The Secret World of Alex Mack**_ **,** _ **The Jersey, The Journey of Allen Strange**_ **and** _ **Even Stevens.**_ **He even directed a ton of DCOMs like** _ **Invisible Sister, How to Build a Better Boy, Cloud 9, Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, Let it Shine, The Luck of the Irish, Jump In, Read it and Weep**_ **and** _ **Dadnapped**_ **. And the movie was written by David Light & Joseph Raso, who were both the writers of **_**Zombies & Cheerleaders**_ **.**

"Let's see if this movie is the best DCOM on Disney Channel or should we just shoot the movie in the head. This is _Disney's Zombies_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens with a little backstory on a perfect town of Seabrook. The most perfect town in the U.S.A.**

 _ **Addison: (V/O) We all have perfect homes, perfect clothes, the perfect life. Yep. Everything was perfect.**_

"Boy, this town is a little too perfect. Are you sure you're not robots?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Everything was perfect in Seabrook until an incident happened at the Seabrook Power Plant.**

 _ **Zed: (V/O) Who would have thought that an accident involving lime soda would set off the apocalypse.**_

"What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

 **Zed: (V/O) Who would have thought that an accident involving lime soda would set off the apocalypse.**

"An accident that was caused by some idiot who spilled lime soda and the explosion caused half the population of Seabrook to turn into brain-eating zombies. Oh, so I guess the zombie outbreak in _The Walking Dead_ was caused by someone spilling lime soda at the power plant." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghoulies**_ **is shown again)**

 _ **Rebecca: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.**_

"You can't be serious, movie. An accident involving lime soda caused a zombie apocalypse? That could never ha…" Sean said as he accidentally knocks over his can of 7-Up onto his laptop. "Aww, crap I spilled 7-Up all over my…"

An explosion is seen, causing Sean to turn into Nemesis from _Resident Evil 3: Nemesis._

"Staaaaars!" Sean said, in his Nemesis voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because half of the population were turned into brain-eating zombies, they built a barrier to protect the people of Seabrook from the zombie hordes. This side of Seabrook is called Zombietown. We see that a lot has changed fifty years ago since the zombie outbreak and here we meet one of the characters named Zed….**

 **(A picture of Lord Zedd from** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, not that Zedd. This is Zed.**

 _ **Zed (Played by Milo Manheim): I'm Zed. And yeah… I'm a zombie.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Zed, he's played by Milo Manheim. And yeah, he told us that he's a zombie. He tells us that zombies have to wear government issue coveralls and they have a curfew. Also, they wear a bracelet on their wrists called Z-Bands that delivers a dose of soothing electromagnetic pulses to keep them from craving brains. Also, Zed is hyped that zombies can attend human high school and he gets to try out for the school's high school. Team**

 _ **Zed: Go, Seabrook!**_

 **(We see Zed working out to join the school's football team)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zed continues to walk us through zombie life and he introduces us to his adorable zombie sister Zoey, played by Kingston Foster. We learn that Zoey really wants a dog but zombies aren't allowed to have pets, so Zed pretends to be a dog.**

 **(Zed mimics dog barking)**

 _ **Zoey (Played by Kingston Foster: Come, Zed. Come.**_

 **(Zed crawls to Zoey and barks)**

 _ **Zoey: Good boy.**_

"In case you recognize who Kingston Foster is, she played Joey's daughter Joan Gladstone in the Netflix show _Fuller House_. Which reminds me, I have to review the show for future episodes of _The Mayhem Critic_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're even introduced to Zed's father Zevon, played by Tony Nappo and he's a little enthusiastic about his son trying out for the football team.**

 _ **Zevon (Played by Tony Nappo) I'm not so sure about this whole football thing, you know? It might be too much. I mean, I mean you're a great kid. It's just… you haven't spent a whole lot of time around humans and humans don't really like zombies.**_

 _ **Zed: That's just 'cause they haven't met me yet.**_

"Okay, I just have one question: how the hell are zombies able to reproduce?" Sean asked. "I've never thought of zombies having babies or a male zombie getting a female zombie pregnant. Is it something I missed on _The Walking Dead_? Did they show two zombies having sex? What am I missing here?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) On the other side of the fence, we're introduced to another character named Addison…**

 _ **Addison (Played by Meg Donnelly): Hi, I'm Addison.**_

"Well, hi there you little blonde ball of sunshine." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Addison, she's played by** _ **American Housewife**_ **'s Meg Donnelly, she tells the viewers her experience of being in cheer camp and she's fired up for trying out for the Seabrook Cheer Squad. We also learn a little something about Addison. She's not that quite perfect. Maybe it's the hair.**

 **Addison: (After revealing to the viewers that she wears a wig to hide her naturally white hair) In some places this hair might be odd in like a cool way but not at Seabrook. People here hate anything that's different.**

"Yeah, Addison has naturally white hair like Charlize Theron from _Atomic Blonde_ and she wears a wig to hide her white hair. Well, Meg Donnelly is a blonde. I mean, her character had brown hair in the first two seasons of American Housewife until she dyed it later on in season two." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Addison's parents. Her mother Missy, who is the mayor of Seabrook, played by Marie Ward. And her father Dale, who is the Chief of the Zombie Patrol, played by Paul Hopkins. They're excited for their daughter trying out for cheerleading.**

 _ **Missy (Played by Marie Ward): As mayor, I beseech you. You make that team and win that Cheer Championship.**_

 _ **Addison: "Beseech me?"**_

"Jesus, lady. Calm down. You're starting to act like that one woman from _World's Dumbest_ where she was too hyped at a cheer competition." Sean said. "Beseech her? Who says that anymore?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our first song of the film. This one is called** _ **My Year**_ **.**

 _ **Addison: I'm fired up, tryouts today**_

 _ **I'm gonna blow 'em away, yeah**_

 _ **Dad says I can't go wrong, no**_

 _ **As long as I keep this on, oh**_

 _ **Zed: (Raps) Now, now what everybody**_

 _ **Let me set the scene, fresh new start**_

 _ **For your boy Young Z**_

 _ **You saw pops for a dad he's cool**_

 _ **He's just a little stressed**_

' _ **Bout my first day of school**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the first song ends, we see that zombies are joining Seabrook High and we see that Bucky, Addison's cousin, is not too thrilled about it. Bucky is played by** _ **The Next Step**_ **'s Trevor Torjd…Tjord…Fjord…just call him Trevor.**

 **Bucky (Played by Trevor Torjdman): Those freaks are nothing like us. They tried to eat our grandfather.**

 **Addison: It was just a small…bite.**

"Yeah, I mean it's not like they turned our grandfather into one of them. At least he lived. He'll have a scar on his arm but he'll live." Sean said, imitating Addison.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Addison is making friends on her first day. She befriends a girl named Bree, played by Carla Jeffery. Bree is really excited about being on the Cheer Squad. As for the zombies, they have classes in the basement. Wait, what?**

"Well, that's a very shitty way of treating Zombies for the first day of school." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zed sneaks out of the basement and heads to football practice and unlike Solid Snake from** _ **Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain**_ **, he ends up getting spotted by one of the cheerleaders.**

 _ **Stacey (Played by Jasmine Renee Thomas): (After seeing Zed) Rogue zombie!**_

 _ **Zed: Wait, what?**_

 **(Stacey runs and rings the Z-Alarm)**

"Oh, nice work dumbass. Thanks to you, they're gonna come after you and blow your brains out!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Some of the other students begin to freak out after seeing Zed and a few end up chasing Zed to give him an ass-beating. Zed hides out in the zombie safe room with Addison following him and the two end up meeting.**

 _ **Addison: Hello?**_

 _ **Zed: Hello?**_

 _ **Addison: You're safe for now.**_

 _ **Zed: I'm Zed. What's your name?**_

 _ **Addison: Addison. Nice to meet you.**_

 **(The lights come on and Addison realizes that Zed is a zombie)**

 _ **Addison: (Screams) Zombie!**_

 **(Addison punches Zed in the face. Zed groans)**

"Christ! It's a good thing that she wasn't packing a .45 automatic pistol because if she did, then it would be the shortest first day in your life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Addison takes a liking to Zed and the two become friends and she ends up falling for him until Bucky arrives and takes his cousin away from Zed.**

 _ **Stacey: Ew.**_

 _ **Tracey (Played by Mickeey Nguyen): Nasty.**_

 _ **Lacey (Played by Emilia McCarthy): Zombie germs.**_

 _ **Bucky: If you ever touch my cousin again it won't be pretty, which as you can see, is off-brand for me.**_

 **(Tracey pulls out a can of hand sanitizer and sprays it on Bucky's hand and Bucky starts wiping his hands)**

"Boy, to quote Marty McFly from _Back to the Future Part III_ , "He's an asshole!"." Sean said.

 _ **Zed: Progress. We're making progress.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Zed is about to try out for the football team, but the football coach says no, we can't have a zombie on the field, which upsets Zed. Zed talks to his friends Eliza and Bonzo, played by Kylee Russell and James Godfrey. Zed tells Eliza about Addison and she tells him that humans are bad but cheerleaders are monsters.**

"That's not true! My girlfriend Taylor was a cheerleader in high school when we met. She's not a monster. Well, some cheerleaders are monsters." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back to Addison, we see that her and Bree are trying out for the Seabrook Cheer Squad, where Flame-O, I mean Bucky introduces himself and his assistant captains Stacey played by Jasmine Renee Thomas, Lacey played by Emilia McCarthy from the DCOM** _ **Zapped**_ **starring Zendaya and Tracey played by Mickeey Nguyen. And they call themselves the Aceys.**

"What the fu…The Aceys? Really, movie? That sounds like the name of an award show for TV shows and movies." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (V/O as announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 50** **th** **Annual Aceys Award Show, sponsored by Wendy's, Ford and Pepsi. With your host Stephen Colbert and a special performance by Beyonce.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Addison: Captain Bucky, was that funky chicken Cajun or shake and bake?**_

 _ **Bucky: Well, I've never heard of Cajun, so, spice it up.**_

"Yeah, if you've never heard of Cajun, then the Cajuns of southern Louisiana are gonna come after you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Cheer tryouts begin and we get our next song called** _ **Fired Up**_ **and I have to say I like this song and it's very upbeat.**

 _ **We were made for this**_

 _ **There's nothing we can't do**_

 _ **We came to play, we're here to stay**_

 _ **And win the day 'cause**_

 _ **We were made for this**_

 _ **Didn't come here to lose**_

 _ **We came to play, we're here to stay**_

 _ **What's left to say when we know**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that rousing musical number ends, Addison makes the Cheer Squad and so does Bree. Then Bucky makes this speech.**

 _ **Bucky: People love cheer. That's what makes me so important. And I'd hate to see that change. Change is upon us now that zombies have entered our school. Cheer is threatened.**_

"Oh, brother. It's Disney's version of Arjen Rudd from _Lethal Weapon 2_. At least replace Bucky's dialogue with this." Sean said.

 _ **Bucky: (His dialogue is replaced by Arjen Rudd's dialogue) The policies of our government are not popular here in America, as you know. The police department of this city is overrun with blacks. They have badges and guns, and they hate us.**_

"Never let Richard Donner direct a DCOM." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Addison and Bree made it on the Mighty Shrimp, it's initiation time. What's that? That's when Bucky takes them to Zombietown and pull a prank on the Zombies by throwing eggs at their houses. One of the zombies spot the van, scaring Bucky and the Aceys as they drive off, leaving Addison and Bree behind. Addison and Bree hide and Addison really should learn how to play** _ **Metal Gear Solid V**_ **.**

 **(Zed sees Addison and Addison sees Zed)**

 _ **Zevon: Zed, anybody there?**_

 _ **Zed: Uh, no. Nobody.**_

 **(The Nicholas Fraser music video** _ **Why You Always Lying**_ **plays)**

 _ **Nicholas Fraser: (Sings) Why the fuck you lying? (Why?)**_

 _ **Why you always lying? (Why)**_

 _ **Mhmmmm oh my god, stop fucking lying**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Addison realized that life is shitty for the Zombies and that screwing with them is not right. Addison tries to tell her cousin Bucky that picking on them isn't right but Arjen Rudd Jr. spouts his bullshit.**

 _ **Bucky: Zombies distract people from what's really important. Like cheer. Us. Me.**_

 _ **Addison: But we can't go around tormenting them.**_

 _ **Bucky: (After pushing a strand of her blonde hair away) It's best that you don't question things.**_

"Ugh, a dumb cousin with a dumb name." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Addison heads down to the basement to apologize to Zed and telling him that her cousin is a jerk about zombies and last night was cheer initiation.**

 _ **Addison: Uh, see you at the pep rally this afternoon?**_

 _ **Eliza (Played by Kylee Russell): Zombies don't do pep rallies.**_

"Well, that's all going to change, Renee from _Girl Meets World_." Sean said, referencing the character that actress Kylee Russell played in the _Girl Meets World_ episode _Girl Meets True Maya_ back in the show's third and final season.

 _ **Bree (Played by Carla Jeffery): There's zombies at the pep rally!**_

 _ **Bucky: They wouldn't dare.**_

"Oh, they would. Trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Much to the surprise of Addison and to the dismay of Bucky and some of the students of Seabrook High, the zombies arrive at the pep rally and Bucky has a diabolical plan to aggro them. And here we get the start of Bucky's big entrance.**

 **(Bucky jumps through a giant poster of himself and does his signature jazz hands as the audience applauds)**

"Why, thank you. That was very necessary. Just like when Shao Kahn did a front flip down off his throne for no reason." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the pep rally, Bucky unleashes his sprit stick, no gay overtones, and the sight of fire sets Bonzo off.**

 _ **Bonzo (Played by James Godfrey) Fire!**_

 _ **Zed: Bud, it's gonna be fine. Don't worry.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bonzo pushes Zed down, causing his Z-Band go off for him to go full zombie. Bonzo chases some of the cheerleaders and Zed rushes over to Addison to catch her.**

 **(Zed catches Addison, his Z-Band goes back to normal)**

 _ **Zed: (After saving Addison's life) Hey.**_

 _ **Addison: (Smiles) Hey.**_

"And thus, Zeddison smut fanfiction is born. And I'm one that needs to write a Zeddison smut story. I think I'll call it _Just One Love Bite_." Sean said. "And I know that you all are giving me ideas for Zed & Addison smutty goodness. Who haven't thought about writing a fanfic about Addison getting freaky with Zed in bed?"

Sean then turns to his friend Brian, who has been drinking his beer during Sean's speech.

"Huh?" Brian asked as Sean glared at him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The football coach interrupt Zed's thoughts of getting a piece of hot blonde cheerleader booty, the coach wants him on his football team after seeing his moves at the pep rally. And here's how Zed reacts.**

 _ **Zed: (Breaks the fourth wall) Who's the zombie? I'm the zombie! And this zombie's playing some ball!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zed agrees if only there are some changes like letting the zombies eat in the cafeteria. So, yeah. Zed is on the football team and the zombies are allowed to eat in the cafeteria, but a certain blonde cheerleader couldn't help but stop thinking about having dirty thoughts about Zed.**

 _ **Addison: (Lovestruck) My heart's racing and my palms are sweaty.**_

"And not to mention I'm very horny and very we…." Sean said, imitating Addison until he gets interrupted.

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Bronson**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): Shut your fucking mouth**_ **!**

"Aaah! Sorry! Hey, where the hell were you these past couple of reviews? I know that you're busy with Venom but come on Tom, I need you to keep me in check for once in a while." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Addison falls in love with Zed, much to her shock and that her parents would freak out if she told them that she likes a zombie. She goes over to where Zed's sitting to welcome him and his friends to the cafeteria.**

 _ **Addison: As they say in old zombie tongue… (Speaks Zombie Gibberish) I looked it up on the Internet.**_

 _ **Zed: Um, you just thanked me for rubbing peanut butter on your umbrella.**_

 **(The zombies laugh)**

"Meg, really? You couldn't manage to cook soup in a microwave." Sean said, referencing a scene from the _Art Show_ episode of _American Housewife_ where Meg's character Taylor Otto puts a can of soup in the microwave to cook it.

"Well, it's better than an egg in the microwave." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Addison is getting friendly with Zed and the zombies, Aryan Crudd Jr. send his brown coats to grab the perky blonde cheerleader, and they realize that there's something different about Addison.**

 _ **Lacey: Your smile? Is that an overbite?**_

 _ **Stacey: Is one leg longer than the other?**_

 _ **Tracey: Do you wear corrective lenses?**_

 _ **Addison: No. No. No. I'm not different. I'm the same-est person you've ever met.**_

"That considering the fact that you were a brunette and all of a sudden you're a blonde. Yeah, you're different. You can't fool me, Donnelly!" Sean said as pictures of Meg Donnelly as Taylor Otto from _American Housewife_ pop up, showing two promotional photos from seasons 1 and 2 of Meg with brown hair and later episodes of the second season of _American Housewife_ and a promotional photo of her as Addison in _Zombies_ with blonde hair.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Aceys tell Addison that hanging out with zombies could be hazardous, which makes Addison sad and she runs out of the cafeteria until Zed goes to her and the two strike up a conversation with each other.**

 _ **Addison: This town. This school. It's… It's hard not fitting in.**_

 _ **Zed: (Scoffs) Well, how would you know…you're perfect.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Addison's thoughts) Don't mention the wig. Don't mention the wig.**

 _ **Addison: It's a wig.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Addison's thoughts) You dumb bimbo!**

 _ **Addison: My real hair is freakish. And I… I can't change it.**_

"Hey, it worked when you dyed your hair in _American Housewife_ , twice in one season." Sean said. "Boy, I'm dishing out the _American Housewife_ references."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zed asks if he could see Addison's real hair but she says no because her parents always made her cover her hair. The two avoid getting spotted by the cheerleaders and they hide out at the spot where they first met, the zombie safe room. And then we get our third song of the movie and to be honest, it's one of my favorites in out of this movie's soundtrack. This song is called Someday.**

 _ **Zed: (Singing) I know it might be crazy**_

 _ **But did you hear the story**_

 _ **Addison: (Singing) I think I heard it vaguely**_

 _ **Zed: A girl and a zombie**_

 _ **Zed and Addison: Someday.**_

 _ **Addison: This could be, this could be ordinary**_

 _ **Zed and Addison: Someday**_

 _ **Addison: Could we be something extraordinary**_

"That's one song to add to my MP3, it is catchy as hell. I still find Lindsey Buckingham's _Holiday Road_ a catchy as hell song as well." Sean said as he starts singing Lindsey Buckingham's _Holiday Road_ until he ends up singing _Someday_ performed by Milo Mannheim and Meg Donnelly. "See? I told ya."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the third musical number ends, we cut to Zed's first game and he ends up sucking. Just to give him a boost, he asks Eliza to hack his Z-Band to help him win the game. And what do you know, they won their game and thanks to Zed and everyone loves him. The students at Seabrook are hanging out with the zombies but not all people could hang out with the zombies.**

 **(** _ **The Imperial March**_ **from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **plays in the background for Bucky)**

 _ **Bucky: You're either pro-cheerleader, or pro-zombie. Decide now.**_

 _ **Addison: Wait, what? You don't know how hard…**_

 _ **Bucky: What's it gonna be?**_

 _ **Addison: I…**_

"Hang with the zombies, Addison. Hang with the zombies." Sean said.

 _ **Addison: I wanna be a cheerleader.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **plays)**

 _ **Grail Knight (Played by the late Richard Eddison) You have chosen poorly.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This choice sends Addison to tears, forcing her to stay as a cheerleader. With Bucky thinking that the zombie trend will pass, zombie fever continues to hit Seabrook when Zed continues to win football games. As for Zeddison, they must keep their love for each other a secret, a love so secret she ends up sneaking out of home and entering Zombietown. During the trip, Addison notices something wrong with Zed.**

 _ **Addison: (After seeing Zed holding his wrist) You okay? You don't look so hot.**_

 _ **Zed: Ouch.**_

 _ **Addison: No, you know what I meant.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Zed) Don't mention the Z-Band. Don't mention the Z-Band.**

 _ **Zed: I have to mess with my Z-Band to win games.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Zed) Son of a bitch!**

"What is with you guys confessing stuff to each other? Oh, Zed. Addison's got a confession. She's dating that idiot Trip Windsor in Westport." Sean said. "Okay, that's my last _American Housewife_ reference, I promise."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zed and Addison arrive at the zombie party in Zombieland and she's quite impressed but Eliza is not thrilled with seeing a human at their party.**

 _ **Eliza: You brought Little Miss Cheer-Boots to our Zombie Mash? A human? Here?**_

"Uh, yeah. Duh? Because I really like this girl and I want to boink her. So hard." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we partake in…**

 **(A new song begins as Zed jumps out from the smoke and starts dancing and singing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and sighs ….the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.**

 **(The song Bamm starts to play before Zed and the rest of the zombies start dancing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seriously, I have no complaints with** _ **Bamm**_ **. The is the most awesome thing ever since the** _ **Smooth Criminal**_ **portion in** _ **Michael Jackson's Moonwalker.**_ **This musical sequence was perfect and I was amazed plus the song was pretty catchy and I love the design, the style and the dancing. Got to give props to the choreographer. I wonder if Jeffery Hornaday was the choreographer for the movie. I know he has something to do with that movie.**

"So, yeah. I like this fourth musical number for the film. I mean, I still find the _Ducktales_ theme to be catchy as hell, but this is really catchy. I have nothing to nitpick about it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after the awesomeness of** _ **Bamm**_ **, we get more plot when Zed experiences some side effects from tampering with his Z-Band like severe pain on his wrist and rashes on that area. During the party, Addison meets Zed's adorable little zombie sister Zoey after seeing her doing some cheering. Oh, and she meets Zoey's stuffed plushie dog Zander, telling her that she's old enough to have a real dog, then Eliza comes along.**

 _ **Addison: I'm still learning that zombies aren't what I was taught. I mean, look at you…you're smart, cool…pretty.**_

 _ **Eliza: (Smiles) You think I'm pretty?**_

 _ **Addison: Yeah.**_

"Okay, unless anyone started working on that Addison/Eliza femslash smut fanfic and posted it on fanfiction, I'm checking it out. If not, then I'll be the first person to do so." Sean said, pulling out his notebook and pen from out of his desk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Eliza takes Zoey home, leaving Zed and Addison alone with each other and then we get a slow ballad of the song** _ **Someday**_ **.**

 _ **Zed: I know it might be crazy. But did you hear the story.**_

 _ **Addison: I think I heard it vaguely.**_

 _ **Zed: A girl and a zombie.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Zed and Addison are about to have a romantic moment, Zed begins to notice Addison's real hair sticking out a bit.**

 _ **Zed: It's beautiful. (Gently cups Addison's cheek) You're beautiful.**_

"Okay, this DCOM better give us a Zeddison kiss in the movie. We need to see that. They already gave us a Ben & Mal kiss in _Descendants 2_." Sean said.

 **(The lights go out, interrupting Zed and Addison's moment)**

 _ **Officer: Zombies show yourselves! You're out past curfew.**_

"Goddamn it! Zombie Patrol can be such cockblockers." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zombie Patrol crash the zombie party until Zombie Patrol Officer Gus, played by Michael Brown, spots Addison.**

"Christ. Can somebody please let Meg Donnelly borrow _Metal Gear Solid V_ so she could learn how to play it? That way she won't get caught." Sean said. "What? Was there no convenient box for you to hide in?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Officer Gus drops Addison home and her parents are furious to know why their "perfect" daughter snuck out of the house at night.**

 _ **Addison: I was out with a boy.**_

 _ **Dale: Oh, boy.**_

"A boy? Oh, Jesus. Missy, I think you should give our daughter the sex talk. I can't handle this type of stuff." Sean said, imitating the character Dale.

 _ **Missy: You will not cheer and there will be no Cheer Championship until we meet this boy.**_

 _ **Dale: Right, no Cheer Championships un…**_

 _ **Missy: Honey, I… No. It does, sweetie. I'm not changing my mind.**_

 _ **Dale: Right, we need to meet this boy Addison or you'll never cheer…again.**_

 _ **Addison: (With Clark Griswold's voice) I think you're all fucked in the head.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the big football match arrives as the Aceys overhear Zed and Eliza about his Z-Band hack and they report back to Bucky with the news and have his followers steal Eliza's laptop to hack Zed's Z-Band. Meanwhile on the Zeddison front, Addison tells Zed that her parents won't let her cheer until they meet him. And this could be a big problem for their blossoming romance. This gives Zed an idea by swiping right on his Z-Band and…**

 **(We cut to a shot of Zed's house and we hear Zed screaming)**

"Jeez, man!" Sean winced.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Addison's, Addison prepares to tell her parents about Zed until he arrives and Addison notices something different about Zed.**

 **(We see that Zed has turned himself into a human)**

"A good looking guy." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **season 4 episode** _ **The Outing**_ **plays)**

 _ **Kramer (Played by Michael Jacobs): Not that there's anything wrong with that.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Addison is surprised that Zed turned himself to a human and the two go on their first date for fro-yo before the big homecoming game.**

 _ **Addison: (Reads the menu) Vanilla, vanilla, double-vanilla. Can you guess what the last one is?**_

"Milli Vanilli-vanilla?" Sean asked.

 _ **Zed: Vanilla.**_

"Damn, I was so close. You know for a fro-yo shop at Seabrook, you tend to have a lot of vanilla. Come on, at least have chocolate and strawberry as well, along with cookies and crème." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During their first real date, Addison tells Zed that he's forced to be someone he's not and Zed brings up that Addison wears a wig to fit in. Well, not everyone is perfect and Addison tells him that it's not right and what needs to change is everybody else. During the homecoming game, Addison starts cheering for the zombies and Bucky tries to stop her.**

 _ **Bucky: You are way too good of a cheerleader to throw your life away, Addison.**_

 _ **Addison: I'm cheering for a change…**_

"Bitch." Sean said, imitating Addison.

 _ **Addison: Give me a "zom"!**_

 _ **Crowd: Zom!**_

 _ **Bucky: Addison!**_

 _ **Addison: Give me a "bie"!**_

 _ **Crowd: Bie!**_

 _ **Bucky: I'm warning you!**_

 _ **Addison: What does that spell?**_

 _ **Crowd: Zombie!**_

 _ **Bucky: Last chance!**_

 _ **Addison: What does that spell?**_

 _ **Bucky: You're off the team, you freak!**_

"Bucky, lighten the hell up. She's just cheering for a change. Deal with it or you'll end up like this guy." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Lethal Weapon 2**_ **plays, showing the scene where Murtaugh shoots Arjen Rudd in the head)**

"And trust me, you don't have diplomatic immunity." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Addison is kicked off the cheer squad, along with Bree after she cheers for the zombies. Next, we see Stacey, Tracey and Lacey succeeding their plot by messing with Zed, Eliza and Bonzo's Z-Bands, causing them to go full zombie, sending everyone in panic mode and this makes Bucky happy.**

 _ **Bucky: Yeah. My plan's working. I thought of everything.**_

"Aright, play the song." Sean said.

 **(A picture of Bucky pops while the song** _ **Asshole**_ **by Denis Leary starts playing)**

"He's the world's biggest asshole!" Sean, Brian and Dave said at the same time.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And it was at that moment that Bucky knew that he fucked up when they couldn't come up with a plan on how to stop the zombies from eating their brains. Zed goes after Bucky and the self-centered squad leader finds himself cornered and getting ready to meet his Angel of Death.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays)**

 _ **Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): Your angel of death awaits.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Zed's plan to eat Zed's brains is thwarted when Officer Gus zaps him to capture him and Addison calms Zed down. The Zombie Patrol captures Zed and his friends and have them detained.**

 _ **Dale: We told you, Addy. Zombies are not safe. Give them an inch…**_

 _ **Missy: And they'll bite your face off.**_

 _ **Dale: They'll bite your face off.**_

Sean is unable to control himself in rage from how annoying Addison's parents Dale and Missy are. "Okay. Brian, Dave. Altogether now."

"WE THINK YOU'RE BOTH FUCKED IN THE HEAD!" Sean, Brian and Dave yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As the zombies leave from a booing crowd, a tearful Addison is pissed off.**

 **Addison: You did this to him. All of you! He was your monster. You made him feel like he had to risk his life to belong. Because you couldn't deal with someone different but you had no problem using him to win your stupid games.**

"I feel a song coming up. An inspirational song." Sean said.

 **(The song** _ **Stand**_ **performed by Meg Donnelly begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our next song of the movie, Stand and this is another song I like and this one is about standing up for yourself and making a change.**

 _ **Addison: I'm gonna stand strong. Nothing's stopping me I'll be loud, you'll hear me now**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what's this? We see that Bucky us torn between what to believe and what he just witnessed and what do you know, he starts singing.**

 _ **Bucky: How can I just forget. All the things in my head.**_

 _ **Addison: Just stand.**_

 _ **Bucky: Oh.**_

 _ **Addison: You just stand.**_

"You never heard Arjen Rudd singing in _Lethal Weapon 2_. Well, mostly because he ordered the hit on the LAPD." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And at that moment, Addison decides to take a stand and rips off blonde wig from off of her head, revealing her naturally white hair to the world.**

"And that's clearly a wig hiding Meg Donnelly's naturally blonde hair." Sean said. "I wonder how everybody would react."

 **(The crowd boos at Addison)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Veep**_ **plays, showing a clip of the character Uncle Jeff, played by Peter MacNichol, laughing hysterically)**

"Ouch. Not too good." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Zombietown, Zed, Eliza and Bonzo are released and Eliza are extremely pissed off about the cheerleaders stealing her laptop and sabotaging their Z-Bands, decides to get even with the cheerleaders.**

"Hey, it's not like Riverdale between the North Side and the South Side." Sean said. "Unless somebody gets shot during a riot. I'm looking at you, Fangs."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Seabrook High, we see that Addison…. (Laughs)**

"I'm sorry. How can I take Meg Donnelly seriously with that white wig on her head? She looks like a teenage version of Charlize Theron in _Atomic Blonde_." Sean said, breaking down in laughter.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Addison informs the viewers that Bucky is changing the line-up for the cheer squad and that he's purging anyone who isn't anti-zombie, by kicking anyone off the team if they sympathize with the zombies.**

 _ **Bucky: Zombie flare? You're cut!/Look at this, more zombie apparel. You're cut!/(Cuts another member from his cheerleading group) Thank you!**_

"Yep, he's going full-on Arjen Rudd mode, he's going to whack every zombie in Zombietown." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Zed and Bonzo clearing out their lockers because they're being sent back to zombies-only school and while Bonzo was clearing out Eliza's locker, they find blueprints, making a horrifying discovery. Eliza is planning on sabotaging the Cheer Championship. So, they race against time to stop Eliza. Addison and Bree spot Zed and Bonzo trying to stop Eliza from sabotaging the competition.**

 _ **Zed: It's not who we are. It's not who you are. I'm not a monster. I'm a zombie. And you're a cheerleader. You're not gonna change the world through sabotage. You change the world through cheer.**_

 _ **Eliza: So, no sabotage?**_

 _ **Addison: No sabotage, Eliza. That's not who I am.**_

"I know that's not who you are. This is who you are." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 **(Taylor slaps a piece of toast from out of Oliver's hand)**

 _ **Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): Bitch.**_

 **(A crowd of people boo at Sean)**

"Okay, this is my last reference to American Housewife that I make on this review." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, now Seabrook is up next and they end up failing miserably. And then Zoey gets up on the stage to try to help Bucky.**

 _ **Bree: What is she doing?**_

 _ **Addison: She's changing things by cheering.**_

"Can someone get that little adorable zombie girl outta here? Some zombie killers are in the audience right now and they're armed to the teeth." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With a little help from Addison and Zed, the cheerleaders and the zombies come together to make history. During the cheer, Bucky has a change of heart and joins the zombies and cheerleaders for the cheer. Seabrook wins the Cheer Competition, I mean, they didn't win the Cheer Competition. Zombietown welcomes Seabrook by throwing a block party. Addison gives Zoey a puppy. Zed and Addison tell each other that they love each other and the film ends with one final musical number with** _ **Bamm**_ **. So, the moral of the story is a cheerleader and a zombie can change the world. The end.**

"And that was Disney's Zombies. I friggen loved it." Sean said.

 **(Footage from Zombies are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Even though I thought it was Disney's dumb idea at first, it turned out to be Disney Channel's best movies yet. It surpassed the Olympics when the film premiered on Disney Channel, reaching 10.3 million viewers over 8 airings. This movie reminds me of** _ **Warm Bodies**_ **mixed with** _ **High School Musical**_ **mixed with** _ **Descendants**_ **.**

"Now, let's talk about the acting. Let me give a big round of applause to the actors and big props to Meg Donnelly. She was the shining star of the film as the female lead Addison. I have seen her in _American Housewife_ as Taylor Otto and on the show _Team Toon_. She took female empowerment to a whole new level. This was Milo Mannheim's film debut and he was pretty good as well, hope to see him in future projects. The cast brought something to the movie, either big or small roles. I loved the chemistry between Zed and Addison. Another good thing about this movie is the choreography and the songs, they're pretty catchy. A movie with a stunning love story and a strong message, _Disney's Zombies_ gets 5 brains out of 5. That is all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and keep your lime sodas in the refrigerator and not near electricity, because you'll turn into a brain-eating zombie. See you guys next time." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Bamm!**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Zombies.**_ **I hope you all enjoyed reading it. And I hope that some fans of the movie read this. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the** _ **Top 11 TV Moms of All Time**_ **in honor of Mother's Day. If anyone could help me out with this one, let me know. Also, at the end of May, maybe around Memorial Day, I will be starting a new segment for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **called** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **. Where I'll be taking a look at the Vacation film series this summer. Here's some of the films and months:**

 **May:** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **(Co-Review with Boris Yeltsin)**

 **June:** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation, The Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments**_

 **July:** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **(Co-Review with Boris Yeltsin),** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_

 **August:** _ **Vegas Vacation, Vacation (2015)**_

 **Hope that you're all excited for** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **. If there's any of the movies in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series that you've seen and you would like to co-review with me, feel free to PM and I'll reply back. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	22. Episode Nineteen: Top 11 TV Moms

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, so back in my** _ **Zombies**_ **review, I made a typo where I said that Kramer was played by Michael Jacobs, I meant Michael Richards. I apologized on that one. I'll have to mention that on the** _ **Mayhem Critic Screw-Ups**_ **chapter. Anyway, it's update time. Since Mother's Day is coming up this month, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the top 11 TV moms of all time. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Nineteen**

 **The Top 11 TV Moms of All Time**

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before bringing up today's topic. "Let's talk about mothers in television. Whether they make us laugh, whether they make us cry. Some can be strong-headed while others can be overbearing. These TV moms filled our homes with laughter and tears over the years. And since Mother's Day is coming up, I am going to be taking a look at some of the top 11 mothers in television. Why top 11? Because this is the mother of all countdowns. Here it is, the Top 11 TV Moms."

 **(A montage of TV moms is displayed on the screen as we hear Diana Ross' version of the song** _ **Tell Mama**_ **playing in the background)**

 **Number 11: Lorelai Gilmore (** _ **Gilmore Girls**_ **)**

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore (Played by Lauren Graham): And then the rabbit says, "Well how about that schnitzel?". Well?**_

 _ **Rory Gilmore (Played by Alexis Bledel): Well, what? There's no punchline.**_

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: That is the punchline.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lorelai Gilmore is the mom we wish we had, with her endless pop culture references and her love of movie nights and repeats. She was our hero. She was the ultimate best friend for her daughter Rory.**

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: Was anyone hurt?**_

 _ **Rory Gilmore: No.**_

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: And that's why the cops came and broke up the party?**_

 _ **Rory Gilmore: Yes.**_

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: So not only did you go to cop-raided party but you started the raid?**_

 _ **Rory Gilmore: Yes.**_

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: This fence is broken because of you. This crap is on the ground because of you.**_

 _ **Rory Gilmore: What's your point?**_

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: (Sings) Did you ever know that you're my hero?**_

 _ **Rory Gilmore: Oh, my god!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) She's young, she's hip and she gets it. Lorelai Gilmore is the perfect best friend for that mother-daughter relationship. Lorelai Gilmore…**

 _ **Lorelai Gilmore: Does he have a motorcycle? Because if you're gonna throw your life away, he better have a motorcycle!**_

 **Number 10: Harriette Baines-Winslow (** _ **Family Matters**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) First appearing in the TGIF sitcom** _ **Perfect Strangers**_ **, Harriette Winslow is very conservative and strong-willed. She's very supportive of her husband Carl and she's also motivated by the love of her children. A popular character in** _ **Perfect Strangers**_ **, Harriette Winslow made number 10 on the list.**

 _ **Carl Winslow (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): You know, Harriette, when Edward was born, I held him in my arms and I promised myself that I would give him everything that he ever needed.**_

 _ **Harriette Winslow (Played by JoMarie Payton): And you have, Carl. He has all the essentials: food, shelter, Nintendo.**_

 **Number 9: Katie Otto (** _ **American Housewife**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is a mother who's not afraid to tell it like it is and tackling the wealthy and pretentious people of Westport, Katie Otto is this generation's Roseanne Connor. Taking care of her three children and hanging out with her two best gal pals for brunch and being a loving wife to her husband Greg aside from doling out the snarky comments to some of the women in Westport. And speaking of parenting, she lays down the law on her children.**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard!**_

 _ **Oliver Otto (Played by Daniel DiMaggio): This is straight-up communism.**_

 _ **Katie Otto: You're right. It is communism, and I'm - - Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin? Pretty sure Stalin killed the most people. I'm Stalin!**_

 _ **Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): You put gas in the car and you don't have a job.**_

 _ **Katie Otto: What did she just say to me?**_

 _ **Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): Taylor, run!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is one housewife you don't want to mess with. Ladies of Westport, watch out. Here comes Katie Otto on the number 9 spot.**

 _ **Katie Otto: I'm eating this.**_

 **(She eats the cupcake)**

 **Number 8: Peggy Bundy (** _ **Married with Children**_ **)**

 _ **Peggy Bundy (Played by Katey Sagal): Oh honey, if it's good enough for the toilet it's good enough for you. How was your day?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) A sexy housewife who wears stiletto heels and tight spandex and that red 'fro of hers, Peggy Bundy puts the fun in "dysfunctional". She's notorious for being lazy and her expensive tastes. Hell, she tried to be a caring mother to her children and being a loving wife to her husband Al.**

"Well, more along the lines for not cooking for Al and insulting him at times or Al insulting Peggy." Sean said.

 _ **Peggy Bundy: Why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?**_

 _ **Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Look, Peg. I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not to mention, she wants to have sex with Al all the time and he turns her down for sex. Like come on, man. At least, have sex with her. Katey Sagal is hot! I wouldn't turn that down. From smoking and eating bon-bons on the couch while looking good doing that, Peggy Bundy is one mother I'd like to fu…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Bronson**_ **plays)**

 _ **Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): Shut your fucking mouth!**_

"Yaaaah! Sorry." Sean said as he looked down at his desk.

 **Number 7: Murphy Brown (** _ **Murphy Brown**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. Murphy Brown. I wanted to talk about her. America witnessed her becoming a mother when she became pregnant with her son Avery back in season four and we all tuned in for the birth in one of the most hilarious sitcom births of all time.**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Murphy Brown**_ **season four episode** _ **Birth 101**_ **is shown)**

 **(Murphy is in labor and throttling Miles)**

 _ **Murphy Brown (Played by Candice Bergen): (Screaming) You son of a bitch! You man! You did this to me! You and every other man! I'm taking you with me!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then when season five premiered, Vice President Dan Quayle made his speech about Murphy Brown.**

 **(A clip of Dan Quayle's speech is shown)**

 _ **Dan Quayle: It doesn't help matters when prime time TV has Murphy Brown – a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid, professional woman – mocking the importance of fathers, by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another 'lifestyle choice'.**_

"Hey, as a young man who grew up having a mother who raised him on her own, I take that as an offense. Hell, even Katy Hart from _Girl Meets World_ would take that as an offense. All the single mothers out there would take that as an offense." Sean said. "And this is coming from an idiot who spelled "potato" wrong. What a dumbass."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And when the Dan Quayle episode aired, Murphy Brown let him have it. Murphy Brown was the perfect example of a single mother raising her child on her own. Dan Quayle's comments are still wrong. Families have diversity like all people and diversity is beautiful and Dan Quayle is joining in on the long line of idiots like George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, Donald Trump and Mike Pence. With her being a strong-willed and loving mother, Murphy Brown is a prime example of single motherhood and that is why she is number 7 on the list.**

 _ **Murphy Brown: (Attempting to breast-feed her newborn son) I finally have a chest and the only man in my life doesn't know what to do with it!**_

 **Number 6: Victoria Grayson (** _ **Revenge**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, okay, okay. I know that she's not a good TV mom. But my god, where do I begin? Well, there's a lot of things to say about her, well she framed David Clarke and condemned his daughter Amanda (a.k.a. Emily) to a childhood filled with misery and pain. Everything she does is for the better of her children, even though if it means having your firstborn getting brutally beaten in a jailhouse fight. Not to mention, she tends to manipulate everyone who stood in her way and her plan, and they pay the ultimate price for that. Got to give props to Madeleine Stowe, she was awesome playing that character. I've seen her in films such as** _ **Stakeout, Bad Girls, Twelve Monkeys**_ **and the Kevin Costner film simply titled** _ **Revenge**_ **.**

"That movie has no connection to the television show. Even though the character Madeleine Stowe plays dies. In both the film and the ABC show in it's final season." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With her being the manipulative, cold-hearted bitch of the Hamptons, Victoria Grayson is number six on the list.**

 _ **Victoria Grayson (Played by Madeleine Stowe): I see a pretty girl with cheap shoes and limited social graces.**_

 **Number 5: Roseanne Conner (** _ **Roseanne**_ **)**

 _ **Darlene Conner (Played by Sara Gilbert): You guys think we don't understand your corny little sex jokes.**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner (Played by Roseanne Barr): You are our corny little sex jokes.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, the domestic goddess who made her grand return on ABC is making the list. She's witty and relevant and is not afraid to tell it like it is. A working mother raising three kids and supporting her husband. Roseanne was one of the memorable TV moms who worked. She's no June Cleaver, she's your different kind of mother. And with the new season out and renewed for an eleventh season, which I'm excited for. She's loud, blunt, controlling and wears the pants in the family. We're going to see more of Roseanne Conner pretty soon. Welcome back, Roseanne.**

 _ **Mary Conner (Played by Jayden Rey): But what if I can't sleep?**_

 _ **Roseanne Conner: Well then I'll tell you a bedtime story about two of my dear friends, applesauce and Benadryl.**_

 **Number 4: Claire Dunphy (** _ **Modern Family**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so there was a tie between Gloria Pritchett and Claire Dunphy. Well, Gloria might be the most likeable mom on Modern Family but then there's Claire Dunphy.**

 _ **Haley Dunphy (Played by Sarah Hyland): Did my 3rd grade teacher say I have ADD or something?**_

 _ **Claire Dunphy (Played by Julie Bowen): No honey she said you couldn't A-D-D because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Claire Dunphy once had a wild and rebellious lifestyle when she was a teenager. She's determined to not allow her kids to have the same lifestyle as her. She can be controlling and uptight. Hell, she can be even embarrassing at times.**

 _ **Claire Dunphy: Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just the amount of motherly crazy for her kids and the audience. Claire Dunphy comes in on the number 4 spot.**

 _ **Claire Dunphy: Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?**_

 **Number 3: Jill Taylor (** _ **Home Improvement**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not only that she is the mother of three boys in the Taylor household, she is the only woman in the Taylor household. Jill Taylor has to live with her husband Tim and put up with his shenanigans and dealing with his macho manliness.**

 _ **Jill Taylor (Played by Patricia Richardson): Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.**_

 _ **Tim Taylor (Played by Tim Allen): Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?**_

 **Jill Taylor: No, I'm saying it's your job.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And you know what baffles me, that every time she has to deal with her husband adding "more power" to things around the house and they tend to go haywire.**

 _ **Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem!**_

 _ **Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Or when he does something stupid to himself like having his head glued to the table, getting electrocuted, having a hammer frozen stuck on his tongue or shot in the foot with a nailgun.**

"Jesus! It's a miracle that guy is still alive." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's just be glad that she resisted the urge to kill him. That's why Jill Taylor is on the number 3 spot.**

 _ **Tim Taylor: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.**_

 _ **Jill Taylor: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.**_

 **Number 2: Marge Simpson (** _ **The Simpsons**_ **)**

 _ **Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): Bart, leave that crowbar here. You know I don't like you prying and jimmying.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) A caring and loving mother with a baby who sucks on a pacifier, an intelligent daughter, a son who's a hellraiser and a husband who's a buffoon. Marge Simpson takes time to take care of her family. Heck, dealing with Homer and Bart would make any mother go insane and pull her hair out. Luckily Marge managed to keep her sanity. I don't know how she does it.**

"Maybe alcohol?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the season eight episode** _ **You Only Move Twice**_ **is shown. In the clip, it shows Marge drinking a glass of wine)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In showing how calm and collected and caring and willing to take care of her family. She deserves the number 2 spot in the countdown.**

"And before we talk about the number 1 TV mom. Here's a few honorable mentions." Sean said.

 **Honorable Mentions**

 **Lucy Ricardo (** _ **I Love Lucy**_ **)**

 **Beverly Goldberg (** _ **The Goldbergs**_ **)**

 **Topanga Lawrence-Matthews (** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **)**

 **Carol Lambert (** _ **Step by Step**_ **)**

 **Claire Huxtable (** _ **The Cosby Show**_ **)**

 **Marie Barone (** _ **Everybody Loves Raymond**_ **)**

 **Morticia Addams (** _ **The Addams Family**_ **)**

 **Carmela Soprano (** _ **The Sopranos**_ **)**

 **June Cleaver (** _ **Leave it to Beaver**_ **)**

 **Marion Cunningham (** _ **Happy Days**_ **)**

 **Carol Brady (** _ **The Brady Bunch**_ **)**

 **Number 1:**

"And the number 1 TV mom of all time is…" Sean said before revealing the character.

 **Alice Cooper (** _ **Riverdale**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, okay, okay. You didn't see that one coming. But what's there to say about Alice Cooper?**

"Well, she has one daughter who got knocked up and engaged to a dead guy, her 3rd cousin. Ewww! A daughter who has a dark side. And to top it all off, she has a husband who's…." Sean said before noticing a red dot on his forehead. The red dot is coming from a sniper. Sean looked down at his desk, noticing his phone ringing to the theme of Batman: The Animated Series, picking it up and answering it. "Hello?"

"Spoil _Riverdale_ and I'll blow your head off, sinner." A mysterious voice said.

Sean yelps and ends the call as he throws his phone away.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A steely perfectionist, this housewife/editor and co-owner of the town's local newspaper, this woman grew up on the south side of Riverdale and she was once a member of the Southside Serpents before crossing over to the Northside to live a happy life with her family. Although, she tends to be tough as nails and doesn't take any crap, she's a very protective parent to Betty and sometimes judgmental. But in season two, she shows her most vulnerable side when it comes to the death of her and FP's son Charles, one of Madchen Amick's best performances yet and to be honest with you, I cried from watching it. She's been through so much, growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and her son, but she's stronger for it. Alice Cooper is number 1 in the countdown and she is one mother that you do not want to mess with.**

 _ **Alice Cooper (Played by Madchen Amick): Shove it, Hal.**_

"And that's all for the Top 11 TV Moms of All Time. If there's any that I didn't mention on the list, then feel free to comment. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and have a happy Mother's Day." Sean said before getting up and leaving.

 **Happy Mother's Day!**

 **And that was the** _ **Top 11 TV Moms of All Time**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed the list. Well, I was going to review either the Sylvester Stallone movie** _ **Tango & Cash**_ **or the Wesley Snipes** _ **movie Passenger 57**_ **or review** _ **Demolition Man**_ **, which stars Stallone and Snipes. But, I wanted to wait till the end of May to review the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series called** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **. Which should I do, review either** _ **Tango & Cash, Passenger 57**_ **or** _ **Demolition Man**_ **or just take a little break from working on this and wait till the end of May to start on** _ **The Summer of Vacation: A Look at the Vacation Film Series**_ **? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	23. TSOV Part 1: Vacation (1983)

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Originally, I was working on the review for** _ **Demolition Man**_ **, but I figure I might save that one for September or at the end of August because I want to focus on** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **where I take a look at the movies in the Vacation film series. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic and his friend Brian are kicking off** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **with the 1983 classic** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **starring Chevy Chase. So here it is the start of** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources.** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is owned by Warner Bros.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part 1: National Lampoon's Vacation**

Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting at his desk again but this time he's seen wearing a Hanna-Barbera hat with Fred and Barney from _The Flintstones_ on it that he got from when he was a kid at Paramount's Kings Island. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's the end of May and the wait is over and you know what that means. I've created another silly celebration. Back in February, I started _Lethal Weapon Month_ , since it's the end of May and I know that a lot of you will be going on vacation this summer, I call this one…"

Sean gets up from out of his seat and stands on his desk.

" _THE SUMMER OF VACATION_!" Sean said in a deep voice and almost falls off of his desk. "From May till August, I will be taking look at the films in the _Vacation_ film series. And to kick off _The Summer of Vacation_ , we're going to be taking a look at the original…"

Sean was getting ready to begin the review until he heard someone clearing their throat. Sean turns and sees his friend Brian standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and his eyebrow raised.

"What?" Sean asked.

"Seriously, dude?" Brian asked.

"What? What are you talking about?" Sean asked.

"Don't act like you don't know. We've planned this co-review of _National Lampoon's Vacation_ after we finished reviewing _The Fly II_." Brian said.

"What? I said that you're going to co-review it with me. I haven't forgotten about it. What? You think that I was going to review this movie myself?" Sean asked.

"What am I Tails from _Sonic the Hedgehog 2_?" Brian asked.

"No! I was just…screw it. Get in here!" Sean said as Brian enters the room and sits in the chair next to Sean. "Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don't know who this is, this is my friend Brian."

"Hi, guys. I'm Brian and I'm here to assist Sean with this review and since you all know that this is the start of _The Summer of Vacation,_ he's going to be taking a look at the films in the _Vacation_ film series." Brian said.

 **(Clips from the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series is shown while Lindsey Buckingham's** _ **Holiday Road**_ **plays in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can you say about the hilarious** _ **Vacation**_ **film series? I love them… well, most of them… well, five of them….4 of them…all right three of them. But either way, these films show the hilarious disasters of going on vacation with your family.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) I've seen only** _ **Vacation**_ **and** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **. I haven't even seen** _ **European Vacation, Vegas Vacation, Christmas Vacation 2**_ **and** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **.**

"And to kick off _The Summer of Vacation_ , we're going to be taking a look at the one that started it all." Sean said.

 **(A poster of** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **is shown)**

"No, this is before the _Vacation_ reboot." Sean said.

 **(A poster of** _ **Ghostbuster 2016**_ **is shown)**

"Seriously? I'm talking about _National Lampoon's Vacation_!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The title card for** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown and clips from the film is played)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film was based on a short story written by the late, great John Hughes called** _ **Vacation '58**_ **, which was published in** _ **National Lampoon'**_ **s magazine, he showed us how crazy family vacations could get.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) And boy was he right.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this movie best represents it. National Lampoon's Vacation tells the tale of a man going through extreme lengths to take his family to a fun park by driving cross-country. What could go wrong?**

"Let's find out. No popcorn, chips for me." Brian said, holding a bag of nachos.

"Well, popcorn with extra butter for me." Sean said, pulling out a big bucket of popcorn with extra butter. "This is _National Lampoon's Vacation_."

 **Brian: (Narrating) Our film opens with a series of postcards from different states.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most-catchy as hell theme song ever in movie history.**

 **(The song** _ **Holiday Road**_ **, performed by Lindsey Buckingham, plays throughout the opening credits)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Catchy is right. We then see we have an interesting cast of characters. You got Chevy Chase from** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **and** _ **Foul Play**_ **, Beverly D'Angelo from** _ **American History X**_ **, Randy Quaid from** _ **Independence Day**_ **and** _ **LBJ: The Early Years**_ **, Anthony Michael Hall from** _ **Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, Edward Scissorhands, The Breakfast Club**_ **and** _ **The Dark Knight**_ **, John Candy from** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Spaceballs, Home Alone**_ **and** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **, Imogene Coca from** _ **Your Show of Shows**_ **and model Christie Brinkley.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film was written by John Hughes and you guys see the John Hughes connection here with Anthony Michael Hall and John Candy. And the film was directed by the late Harold Ramis, who wrote the screenplay for** _ **National Lampoon's Animal House**_ **.**

"And boy, does he have an extensive movie career. I can name a few of his films: _Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters II, Stripes, Groundhog Day, Analyze This, Analyze That, Meatballs, Heavy Metal, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, Back to School, Armed and Dangerous, Club Paradise, Baby Boom, Stealing Home, Rover Dangerfield, Stuart Saves His Family, Multiplicity, The Ice Harvest_ and _Year One_." Sean said.

"Okay, dude. We get it." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, our tale begins in Chicago, where we meet the main character Clark W. Griswold, played by Chevy Chase, and his son Rusty, played by a young Anthony Michael Hall.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see them going to a car dealership to pick up his new car that he ordered for the trip that he's going with his family but then he gets screwed by the car salesman, played by Eugene Levy.**

 _ **Ed (Played by Eugene Levy): (Shows Clark the new car) Well, there she is.**_

 **(The car is revealed to be an ugly, out-sized station wagon)**

 _ **Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Where?**_

 _ **Ed: Right here. The wagon.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. The world's must ugliest station wagon." Sean said.

 _ **Rusty Griswold (Played by Anthony Michael Hall): Dad, this is not the car you ordered!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Take it easy, Rusty.**_

"See? That's one thing I don't trust about car salesmen. They tend to screw you over and George Costanza made an excellent point." Brian said.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episode** _ **The Dealership**_ **plays)**

 _ **George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, you're on your back like a turnip./I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There's no laws in this place. Anything goes! It's Thunderdome!**_

"Well, at least he's going to be getting his old car back." Sean said.

"Well, about that." Brian said.

 **(We see Clark's old car getting crushed)**

"Well, shit." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With his old car destroyed and getting screwed by the car dealer, Clark takes his ugly new car home with him and his wife Ellen, played by Beverly D'Angelo and his daughter Audrey, played by Dana Barron are not happy about the car.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold (Played by Dana Barron): Are you serious? Is this really our car, dad?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): What happened? I thought we were getting the little sports thing.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Oh, no. The Sportswagon's much too small. Besides, I got a great deal on this one.**_

"Great deal? Buddy, just tell your wife that you got screwed. That's how car salesmen works." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark plans to spend more time with his family by driving the family cross-country. Ellen wants to fly but Clark insists on driving so he can bond with his family.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: It's an awfully long ride, Clark.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: I'm looking forward to an awfully long ride. You get to see the kids all the time. I see them two minutes in the morning, two minutes in the evening, maybe three hours on the weekend. Sheesh! You know, one of these days I'm gonna get up and realize that my little babies are all grown up and then what?**_

"Don't worry, Clark. Your little babies will be grown up and down in the span of four movies. Mind you, Anthony Michael Hall was 14 years old and Dana Barron was 16 at the time they filmed this movie. In _European Vacation_ , Jason Lively was 16 and Dana Hill was 20 at the time they filmed that movie. In _Christmas Vacation_ , Juliette Lewis was around 15 years old and Johnny Galecki was 13 years old when they filmed that movie. In _Vegas Vacation_ , Ethan Embry was 18 years old at the time of filming and Marisol Nichols was 23 years old at the time of filming. Just a quick recap." Sean said.

 _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_

 **Anthony Michael Hall: 14 years old (Teenager)**

 **Dana Barron: 16 years old (Teenager)**

 _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_

 **Jason Lively: 16 years old (Teenager)**

 **Dana Hill: 20 years old (Adult)**

 _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_

 **Juliette Lewis: 15 years old (Teenager)**

 **Johnny Galecki: 13 years old (Teenager)**

 _ **Vegas Vacation**_

 **Ethan Embry: 18 years old (Adult)**

 **Marisol Nichols: 23 years old (Adult)**

"Let's not forget Ed Helms and Leslie Mann in _Vacation_." Brian said.

"Oh, they're clearly adults. Ed Helms was 40 at the time and Leslie Mann was 42 at the time." Sean said. "And remember in the Nostalgia Critic's review of _Fivel Goes West_ that the _National Lampoon's Vacation_ kids go through the altering growth spurt? Yeah, The Griswold kids go through that altering growth spurt."

"A lot of reasons for the casting changes, the schedule and so on." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) We see that Clark is planning on taking his family to Walley World, America's Favorite Fun Park and we see how he's planning the trip from Chicago to California. And so their adventure begins but first how about some driving music.**

 **(We see Clark and Ellen singing** _ **Mockingbird**_ **by Carly Simon and James Taylor in the car)**

"Uh, can we sing something else? How about the Walley World National Anthem?" Sean asked.

 **(The Griswolds start singing the Walley World National Anthem)**

"What's that spell?" Sean asked.

"Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose." Sean and Brian both said.

"That's me!" Sean said, imitating Clark Griswold.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the trip, we see that Clark is stopping for gas and he's having a hell of a time looking for the gas tank on the car. And the gas tank is on the front of the car. Weird place to put it at. And their first stop is in St. Louis, Missouri and they end up taking a wrong turn as they find themselves in the ghetto.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark? What are you doing?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Just relax, Ellen.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous! We have no business being in an area like this.**_

"Yeah. What do you expect? A bunch of black people welcoming four white folks in the ghetto. Yeah, like that's going to happen. It's like me going to Russia and a bunch of Russians welcome me to Russia and I'm the only black guy here." Sean said.

"Yeah, or say me going to Germany." Brian said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: Kids, are you noticing all this plight? This will just make us appreciate what we have.**_

 **(A gunshot is heard and someone screams)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Roll them up!**_

"Dude, make sure you know where you're going." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Getting sick and tired of getting lost in the ghetto and almost shot at, Clark decides to ask a pimp for some directions. Like that's a good idea.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?**_

 _ **Pimp (Played by the late Christopher Jackson): Fuck yo mama!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Thank you very much.**_

"Whoa, language! This is a PG-rated film, there's no need for that type of foul language for a family movie." Sean said.

"No PG-13 rating back then. This one is rated R." Brian said.

"Oh, yeah. The edited line I was thinking of was this." Sean said.

 **(The edited TV version of** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the expressway?**_

 _ **Pimp: Man, who do I look like, Christopher "Columbo"?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Thank you very much.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After asking a pimp for directions, Clark asks a couple of guys for some directions and end up having their car vandalized and having their car tagged. Then, Clark, being a horndog, decides to get a little vehicular fellatio from Ellen. Uh, what?**

 **(Ellen puts her head in Clark's lap, but her head gets stuck underneath the steering wheel. The words "Not For Kids!" flash in red on the screen)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark? My head's stuck. Clark, quit kidding around.**_

"See? Larry David in _Curb Your Enthusiasm_ was right! Getting a blowjob in the car while driving can be very dangerous." Sean said.

"Ah, Clark. The well intentioned idiot." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And speaking of pure stupidity, Clark ends up falling asleep at the wheel.**

 **(Clark falls asleep while driving the car)**

"Okay, this is like a clip from TruTV's _World's Dumbest Drivers_." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Chip Bolcik) In St. Louis, Missouri, a man from Chicago is taking his family on a road trip. But then he ends up falling asleep at the wheel.**

 **Brian: (Imitating Bryan Callen) Uh, buddy. Wake up.**

 **(Clark is driving uncontrollably, almost hitting a man and almost hitting a car. We see the car driving on the curb of the sidewalk, then through the yard of a couple of houses)**

 **Sean: (Imitating John Enos) Wake the fuck up, you stupid dumb son of a bitch!**

 **Ellen Griswold: (While asleep) Sparky, why don't you turn off the TV and come back to bed.**

 **Clark Griswold: (While asleep) Okay, honey.**

 **(Clark wakes up and screams)**

 **Brian: (Imitating Billy Kimble) I've heard of sleep walking and sleep eating, but never sleep driving.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Chip Bolcik) The man and his family are safe and we learn a valuable lesson, never fall asleep behind the wheel. Stay safe out there, drivers.**

 **Clark Griswold: Well, up and at 'em. We're here.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark and his family stay at a motel and we see…**

 **(Sees Ellen taking a shower, her breasts are censored with smiley faces)**

"HELLOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both said, imitating Yakko and Wakko from _Animaniacs_.

"But yeah, give me hotels over motels, though." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting a shot of Beverly D'Angelos' breasts in two scenes and Clark imitating Norman Bates from Psycho with a banana. Clark and Ellen decide to have a little private time together on a vibrating bed. But the bed is no good, so the floor would be just right, until the kids walk in on them.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: What's that noise?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: What's going on?**_

 **(Clark pops out from underneath the covers, holding Ellen's panties with his index finger)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Hey, don't you kids knock anymore?**_

 **(Ellen yanks her panties off of Clark's finger)**

"You see, that's the problem with parents, they never tend to lock the door." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Clark and his family arrive in Dodge City, Kansas where they come across an Old West tourist attraction and later during the drive to Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine, Clark becomes tantalized with…**

 **(The Girl in the Ferrari appears next to Clark and Clark notices her)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **plays)**

 _ **Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell) Hellooooooo Nurse!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) The smoking hot blonde in the red Ferrari is played by stunning supermodel and Billy Joel's ex-wife Christie Brinkley.**

"Man, she was smoking hot at age 28 when they filmed this movie. And look at her now at age 64, she's still smoking hot! Plus, her daughters Alexa Ray Joel and Sailor Brinkley Cook got their mother's looks, even though Alexa looks a bit like her father but she's still smoking hot. Last year, Christie Brinkley did a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photoshoot at age 63. Wait, where was I again? Oh, yeah. If you're not familiar with Christie Brinkley, she did those Total Gym commercials with the bearded God himself…. CHUCK NORRIS!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A picture of Chuck Norris appears with fireworks and the American flag in the background, accompanied by organ music)**

 **Sean: (V/O in a high-pitched voice yells) A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIIIIIIIS!**

"I hope the Nostalgia Critic doesn't mind me borrowing his Chuck Norris gag." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting smitten with Billy Joel's ex-wife, Clark and his family arrive in Coolidge, Kansas, where we are introduced to Ellen's cousin Catherine, played by Miriam Flynn.**

"Who you might recognize her in the 1988 comedy-drama _For Keeps?_ , the voice of Jean Tazmanian Devil from the animated series _Taz-Mania_ , Gandra Dee in _DuckTales_ , Bunny Packard in _National Lampoon's Class Reunion_ and for those of you who watch _Liv & Maddie_ and are fans of the show, she played Mrs. Snodgrass." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Catherine's wacky husband Eddie, played by Randy Quaid and their children. And you might recognize Cousin Vicki, she's played by a young Jane Krakowski. Who you might recognize her as Elaine Vassal in** _ **Ally McBea**_ **l and Jacqueline White in the Netflix show** _ **Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt**_ **. Oh, and she played Miss Shields in** _ **A Christmas Story Live!.**_

 _ **Cousin Vicki (Played by Jane Krakowski): I'm going steady. And I French kiss.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.**_

 _ **Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but daddy says I'm the best at it.**_

"Oh, yuck!" Sean yelled.

"What the fuck?! Ewww!" Brian yelled while Sean makes gagging noises.

"That is so disgusting!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from** _ **Rick and Morty**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Morty Smith (Voiced by Justin Roiland): Oh…oh gross… GROSS!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, Rusty learns some new things from Cousin Dale, played by John P. Navin Jr., and he teaches him how to use a magazine.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: How do you use a magazine?**_

 _ **Cousin Dale (Played by John P. Navin Jr.): I was getting to that. See, a guy taught me something really neat last year. Have you ever bopped your bologna?**_

 **(Rusty makes a confused look and shrugged his shoulders before looking at the pornographic magazine)**

"He's talking about masturbation, people!" Sean said, imitating Chuck Nice from _World's Dumbest Outlaws_.

"Ah, wondered what he's talking about." Brian said, sipping his beer.

 **Brian: (Narrating) We then cut to Eddie cooking burgers on the grill…**

 _ **Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It's just fine by itself. I like it better than Tuna Helper, don't you, Clark?**_

"Hamburger Helper? He's cooking Hamburger Helper on the grill? I would rather have regular hamburger cooked on the grill." Sean said.

"Same here." Brian said. "I'd take a real burger rather than Hamburger Helper."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to the best character of the movie, Aunt Edna. Played brilliantly by the late Imogene Coca.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Aunt Edna. After all these years and you're looking so good.**_

 **(Ellen prepares to hug her Aunt Edna. Aunt Edna hands Ellen her walker and walks over to the table)**

"Fun fact, Imogene Coca didn't like playing a mean character in a movie, she's a nice person." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Clark and his family get an additional passenger to join them on the trip and it's Aunt Edna and her dog Dinky, a vicious dog that watches Family Feud and they're driving them to Phoenix. So, after visiting Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine, Eddie gives Clark a gift, which is shoes. And for Audrey, she gets rolled-up joints from Cousin Vicki.**

"God, do we need to start playing drug PSA's right now?" Brian asked.

"Could be worse. She could've given her Jingle Jangle." Sean said.

 **(A Netflix promo for the second season of** _ **Riverdale**_ **plays)**

 **(Veronica picks up a plate with a burger and fries on it)**

 _ **Veronica Lodge (Played by Camila Mendes): This is your brain.**_

 **(Veronica then picks up a cast-iron skillet)**

 **** _ **Veronica Lodge: This is Jingle Jangle.**_

 **(Veronica sits the plate of food down)**

 _ **Veronica Lodge: This is what happens to your brain after taking Jingle Jangle.**_

 **(Veronica slams the cast-iron skillet down on the plate of food)**

"Hey, Camila Mendes could make a pretty good PSA announcer." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And so, the Griswolds trip to Walley World continues with Aunt Edna and Dinky on board as well and the catchy** _ **Holiday Road**_ **song plays again.**

"I don't care what you say, Holiday Road will live on. Screw the songs of today, give me Lindsey Buckingham any day." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The Griswolds and Aunt Edna stop at a rest stop to take a break from their long journey ahead by having a nice picnic and enjoying some sandwiches while playing with a killer dog.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Rusty, stop playing with the dog and come and have some lunch.**_

 **(We then see Dinky the dog attacking Rusty by biting him on his leg)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Dinky) (Growls) I will kill you before John Hughes puts you in three of his films!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And while they're about to have lunch, Clark has another encounter with….**

 **(Clark spots the Girl in the Red Ferrari)**

 **(A sound bit from** _ **The Mask**_ **plays)**

 _ **The Mask (Played by Jim Carrey) Ssssssssmokin'!**_

"Helllooooooooooo Christie Brinkley!" Sean and Brian both said.

 **(The Girl in the Red Ferrari start showing off her moves while Clark starts dancing while holding his bologna and cheese sandwich)**

"Hey, Billy Joel. You won't mind if I flirt with your ex-wife with my bologna and cheese sandwich?" Sean asked, imitating Chevy Chase.

"Nothing can ruin this moment." Brian said.

 **(Clark takes a bite of his sandwich)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, God! The dog went on the picnic basket!**_

 **(Clark spits his sandwich out)**

"Hey, I'd be pissed too if someone gave me a bologna and cheese sandwich." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard and an audience boos at him. "What? What? What?"

"Dude, save the bad jokes for Danny Bonaduce." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The Griswolds arrive at Kamp Komfort in South Fork, Colorado and we see that this run-down camp in the woods in run by Brian Doyle-Murray.**

"In case you don't know, that's Bill Murray's brother and he's also the writer of the movie _Caddyshack_ and he was also a writer for _Saturday Night Live_." Sean said.

"Don't forget he played Jack Ruby in Oliver Stone's _JFK_." Brian said. "And don't worry, we'll see Brian Doyle-Murray again as Clark's boss Frank Shirley in _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_."

"And thus, we have another John Hughes connection, Brian Doyle-Murray played the Reverend in the 1984 comedy _Sixteen Candles_ , which also starred Anthony Michael Hall as The Geek." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswolds unpack and get settled in and Clark and Ellen have a nice romantic evening in the tent. Yeah, sex in a sleeping bag would be weird and not very romantic.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: I don't think there's enough room for two in this sleeping bag.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Oh, honey. Right now, we're one. One heart beating for two.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: (Smiles at Clark) Oh, Sparky.**_

 **(Clark kisses Ellen as Dinky growls and enters the tent and bites Clark while he's having sex with Ellen, interrupting them)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Screams) Down! Go! I'm sorry, honey. It's Dinky. Get out! Ow! Silly mutt!**_

 **(Hits Dinky with his shoe and Dinky leaves)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Dinky) Ow! You son of a bitch! When I come back I'm biting your dick off!**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I'm gonna kill that dog.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Dinky) I'm gonna murder you in your sleep before your shitty late night talk show airs ten years from now!**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The next day Clark and his family head out on the road with no problems, until a cop pulls them over.**

"Oh, crap. Audrey's got weed. Quick hide them in your hair or in Aunt Edna's hair." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Clark gets pulled over by a hard-as-nails macho motorcycle cop, played by James Keach. In case you don't know who he is, he's the younger brother of Stacy Keach, the guy who played the voice of Phantasm in** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown)**

 _ **The Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach, credited as Stacy Keach Jr.): Your angel of death awaits.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Hello, Officer. What seems to be the problem?**_

 _ **Motorcycle Cop (Played by James Keach): Get out of the car!**_

 **(Clark gets out of the car)**

"Uh, what did he do?" Sean asked.

 **Motorcycle Cop: You know if I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you could say, "police brutality."**

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, Banacek!" Brian exclaimed.

"Banacek was an insurance investigator." Sean said, correcting Brian.

"Oh. Well, what's another old cop show?" Brian asked.

" _Baretta_." Sean said.

"Okay." Brian said, clearing his throat. "Take it easy, Baretta!"

"Good, but that doesn't explains why the cop threatened him." Sean said.

 **(The cop shows Clark the leash tied to the bumper of his car)**

 **Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son of a bitch.**

We cut to Sean and Brian, this time Sean is dressed as the Phantasm from _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_.

"Dinky, your angel of death awaits." Sean said. "That's right, I created my Phantasm costume."

 **Brian: (Narrating) But before the Motorcycle Cop charges Clark for animal cruelty, Clark starts whipping out a few tears like Ralphie from** _ **A Christmas Story**_ **and telling the cop that it was an accident, the cop starts crying after telling him that he had a dog once. You see, cops have a soft side.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The cop lets Clark go scott free and handing him Dinky's leash, which upsets Aunt Edna. Should've gotten a cat, you old bag. Well, there's nothing better than killing Cujo's psychotic brother than getting some good food.**

 _ **Aunt Edna: Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!**_

"This is why I prefer cats over dogs." Brian said.

"Same here." Sean said as he is seen holding Riley. "Isn't that right, Riley?"

Riley the cat looked at Sean for a bit and meowed at him.

 **Brian: (Narrating) While exiting Colorado, Clark is busy driving on the road while his wife, kids and Aunt Edna are asleep. Well, it's a peaceful drive for now, I mean, it's not like a beautiful blonde in a 1983 Ferrari is going to drive next to him and tantalize the guy…**

 **(The song** _ **Little Boy Sweet**_ **performed by June Pointer starts playing as the Girl in the Red Ferrari appears again. Clark notices her car and fixes up his hair)**

"Helloooooooooo Nurse!" Sean and Brian both said at the same time.

 **(Clark gets tantalized by the blonde beauty and checks her out while Ellen is asleep. He then imagines himself sitting next to her in the car)**

"Man, Clark is one lucky son of a bi…." Sean said.

 **(The sound of a truck horn is heard when a semi-truck appears and Clark drives off-road to get out of the truck's way, then back on the road, driving uncontrollably for a bit as Ellen wakes up)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: (Waking up) What happened? (She begins to notice Clark, seeing his hair is messed up and his face sweaty) What happened to your hair? You're sweating. Are you blushing?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Don't be silly.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Are you all right, Clark?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Hell, yes! I'm fine! I'm having a ball!**_

"Are you sure about that? Because you are one lucky son of a bitch. Christie Brinkley tried to have you whacked." Brian said.

"Clark, here's a tip: keep your eyes on the road. Or drive behind a back of a truck and pull a prank on her by waking her up." Sean said. "Well, at least nothing bad is going to happen."

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Well, I guess there's not much more that can happen to us.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Yeah, I think the worst is behind us.**_

 **(Clark drives over something on the road, causing two of Ellen's bags to fall off)**

"You had to say something, didn't you?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ellen loses her vanity case, which contains her credit cards and Clark has taken numbering lessons from Buzz McCallister from** _ **Home Alone**_ **.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Honey, number one: I've already called the bank and told them you lost it. B: There's no way we're gonna find it when we don't know where it fell off. And three: I've got my credit cards and we've still got plenty of cash.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Home Alone**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Buzz (Played by Devin Ratray): And D: we live in the most boring street in the United States of America.**_

"Oh, God. I cannot believe that I referenced another John Hughes movie in a review." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Somewhere in Arizona, Clark gets lost and him and Ellen argue during a drive while going to the Grand Canyon. Dude, listen to your wife, you're lost. Google Maps haven't been invented yet.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're gonna find the Grand Canyon on this road.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Jesus, it's only the biggest goddamn hole in the world!**_

 _ **Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Make that the second biggest.**_

"And the third biggest hole in the world is Roseanne." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And with everybody arguing with each other in the car, ah, don't you just love families getting along with each other on road trips? Clark drives through a road closed sign and…LOOK OUT!**

 **(Clark and his family scream as he drives through a sign that says "Road Closed", then jumps a ramp and crashes the car)**

"See, Clark was living the fast lane, but then there's death on the Don Lane." Sean said as the sound of crickets chirping is heard and Brian just looks at Sean with a confused look on his face.

"I….I don't get that joke." Brian said as Sean rolled his eyes. "Mind explaining that one?"

"It's a reference to _World's Dumbest Daredevils_. The clip with The Don Lane Show." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Everyone comes out of the car safely, but some people just don't learn when to shut up about Clark's driving skills, which means it's time for Aunt Edna to complain some more.**

 _ **Aunt Edna: Ellen, get me out of here!**_

 **(Aunt Edna gets out of the car)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here!**_

 _ **Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do! I'll do what I want! I should have come on this trip with you. I should've taken an airplane. And he, he shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile. He should be behind bars!**_

"Oh, Christ! Can somebody please shut this old bitch up before I call the Phantasm? I have him on speed dial right away and he'll….I mean, she. She can deal with her." Sean picks up his cell phone.

"Uh, Sean. Hold on to that, I think Ellen will deal with her." Brian said.

"Well, she better hurry up because I'm about to call." Sean said.

 _ **Ellen Griswold: (Fed up) Sit down and shut up.**_

 **(Aunt Edna stays quiet and sits back down in her seat)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Move out of that seat, and I'll split your lip.**_

"Thank you, Ellen Griswold." Sean said, then picks up his phone to talk to the Phantasm. "Hey, Andrea. Nope, nevermind. I'm calling off the hit. Yeah, Ellen Griswold just shut her up."

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the Griswolds stranded in the desert and the car wrecked, Clark figures that it would be a good time to bond with his son Rusty and give him a man to man talk. He even gets Rusty to drink his first beer.**

"Ah, I remember having my first beer. I was only 19 at the time and I went camping with some friends. I never spent any time with my father, he was never in my life for years." Sean said. "But you know what the good thing about this father-son bonding moment, is that he never says to his son that he'll give him a goodnight rimjob. Unlike some guy who's going to be a father in the future?"

 **(A clip from the 2015 version of** _ **Vacatio**_ **n is shown)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold (Played by Ed Helms): (To his son James) Hope you're not too old to let your dad give you a goodnight rimjob.**_

"Hang on, a what?" Brian asked.

"It's something dirty. I'm not going to explain what it is because this is a family-friendly review." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Clark goes on a long quest in search for help and a gas station by walking through the scorching hot desert and losing his mind on the way.**

 **(The theme from** _ **Lawrence of Arabia**_ **is heard during a montage of Clark walking through the desert while looking for help)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After walking through the desert, Clark reunites with his family, who have been rescued and taken to a local mechanic to get their car fixed and before they could leave, the hillbilly mechanic, played by the late Mickey Jones from** _ **Home Improvement**_ **, extorts the rest of Clark's cash only to make the car operational. I mean, barely operational.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to play around, okay. So, how much is it?**_

 _ **Mechanic (Played by the late Mickey Jones): All of it, boy.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: What does your sheriff think of your business practices?**_

 **(The mechanic and his assistant start chuckling and the mechanic pulls out a wallet with a badge and laughs. We then see Clark driving the car with four bum wheels in it)**

"What is this _The Dukes of Hazard_?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Fed-up and having little money left, Clark and his family stop at the Grand Canyon when Clark tries to convince a dickish hotel clerk, played by James Staley.**

"Who you might recognize as Stuart Rosebrock's dad Wilson Rosebrock in the Craig T. Nelson sitcom _Coach_ and he was also on the 1981 comedy _Honky Tonk Freeway_ , which starred Beverly D'Angelo." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark tries to convince the hotel clerk to cash a personal check because his credit card was reported stolen after they couldn't accept it.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Signs a check) I have $6.13 to my name so I can see we're going to have to work something out here between us.**_

 _ **Motel Desk Clerk (Played by James Staley): Look, I've already told you. I can't accept a check without a major credit card.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: I'm making this out for $1,000. All you have to do is give me $300 in cash and you can keep $700 all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.**_

 _ **Motel Desk Clerk: The only thing I can do is have you stay here until the check clears. Ten working days!**_

"Ugh, clerks!" Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After being fed up with the clerk, Clark takes money from the cash register behind the clerk's back and leaves the check. Boy, this vacation is turning into** _ **Word's Dumbest Drivers, Hillbilles, Daredevils**_ **and** _ **Criminals**_ **all in one.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) During their drive, they find something very unusual with Aunt Edna.**

"Unusual? I mean she's asleep. She's probably fine." Sean said.

 _ **Ellen Griswold: She's not fine.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: She's fine. Don't be silly.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: She's not fine, Clark. She's dead!**_

 **(Clark quickly pulls over off-road as him and his family get out of the car)**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Ugh, her hand touched me! She's stiff already! Ugh!**_

Sean's eyes widened in shock and his jaw dropped a bit as he picked up his phone to make a call.

"Uh, Ms. Beaumont, did you just kill Aunt Edna? I already called off the hit. Oh, you didn't? Okay, good. Alright, so you're still on for Saturday? Alright, me and Taylor will be there. See you later. Bye." Sean said, ending the call.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So after Aunt Edna passed away in her sleep, they tie the deceased onto the roof of the car and wrapped in a tarpaulin as they arrive in Phoenix. They reach Normie's house, only to find a note, discovering that he is out of town, so they drop her off with a note in the rain.**

"Now wait a minute, they can't do that! That's the cruelest thing ever. Boy, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.

"They did." Brian said.

"Well, at least they gave the old bag a proper memorial service." Sean said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: Oh, God. Ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea admit this good and decent woman into thine arms and the flock in thine heavenly area up there.**_

 _ **(Ellen and Rusty look up at Clark)**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: And Moab he laidth down behind the land of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of karma…**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: I implore you, give her, give her a break.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark!**_

 **(Clark sings in a weird religious chant)**

We then cut to Sean and Brian. We see a shocked expression on Sean's face from Clark talking about Aunt Edna.

"What the fuck?!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Sopranos**_ **plays)**

 _ **Carmella Soprano (Played by Edie Falco): What's different between you and me is you're going to Hell when you die!**_

"He's weird." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ellen gives a proper memorial service for her Aunt Edna, it's on their way to Walley World, but Ellen and the children had enough of this disastrous trip and they want to go home.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: I want to go home! I don't want to go to Walley World!**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark, under the circumstances, I wouldn't mind if we just went home. In retrospect, it seems like a bad idea driving out it's been one disaster after another!**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Yeah, it's been a real drag, dad! Maybe we can try it some other time. Walley World's overrated anyway.**_

"Yeah, you should listen to them. This trip was a big disaster." Sean said.

 **(Clark stops the car)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation! It's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm going to have fun and you're going to have fun. We're all going to have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah out of your assholes! (Laughs) I got to be crazy. I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Dad, do you want an aspirin or something?**_

 **(Clark sees Rusty's hand on his shoulder)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Don't touch!**_

"And if you touch me again, I'm going to kill you with my late-night talk show before Edward Scissorhands kills you or The Joker kidnaps you!" Sean said, imitating Clark Griswold.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After his epic meltdown and his obsession with Walley World, the Griswolds stop at a motel to rest and Clark and Ellen have a fight about his idea of having a little family fun.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: All I know is I'm trying to treat my family to a little fun.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's and drive us a thousand miles out of the way to see the world's largest ball of mud!**_

"Sounds like a fun trip with my family." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After having a fight with Ellen, Clark steps out and heads to a bar and tries to talk to some women, he has no luck until he eventually meets…**

 _ **The Girl in the Red Ferrari (Played by Christie Brinkley): Waiting for someone?**_

"Helloooooooo Nurse!" Sean exclaimed. "Okay, that's my last reference to _Animaniacs_ for this review. There won't be any more."

 **Brian: (Narrating) The Girl in the Red Ferrari meets Clark and the two of them start talking to each other and Clark tends to make an ass out of himself by unleashing a jetstream of bullshit coming out of his mouth.**

 _ **The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Well, I thought you were going to say you worked for the CIA.**_

 **(Clark laughs)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: That's an old bit, isn't it?**_

 _ **The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Really.**_

"Yeah, my drunk uncle in Detroit used that line to the cops by telling them that he worked for the CIA, which he doesn't." Sean said. "What a way to disgrace our country, dude. The guy joined the Navy and his big fat ass went AWOL. Look at him now, he's sitting at home getting drunk and telling everybody that he worked for the CIA."

"Classic Drunkle Tony." Brian said.

"Yep." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Girl in the Red Ferrari is in the mood for some fun and Clark lies about not being married just so he could complete his quest for booty so…**

 **(We see the Girl in the Red Ferrari stripping out of her clothes in front of Clark, throwing her bra and panties at him before jumping in the pool, naked)**

 _ **The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Wow, this feels great!**_

"Helloooooooooo Nurse!" Brian exclaimed. "Okay, this is very last reference to _Animaniacs_ on this review."

 _ **The Girl in the Red Ferrari: Well, are you gonna go for it?**_

"Dude, you got Christie Brinkley naked in the pool. You better go for it and have some hot sex with her. Your wife will never know." Sean said.

"Do it! Do it!" Brian said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: (After stripping out of his clothes) This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!**_

 **(He jumps in the pool)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Yells) It's cold! Jesus! Fuck!**_

 **(Clark shouts, we cut to Ellen, who's lying in bed reading a magazine while hearing her husband screaming outside)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark?**_

"Clark, shut up! People can hear you! You do not want your wife Ellen to…" Sean said.

 **(Ellen sees Clark in the pool with the Girl in the Red Ferrari)**

 **Ellen Griswold: Clark?**

 **(Fergie's London Bridge plays. The "Oh, shit" part is heard)**

 **Clark Griswold: Hi, honey!**

"Oh, shit!" Sean and Brian both said.

 _ **Ellen Griswold: What are you doing?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Uh, swimming. Yeah, my back was, uh, killing me. And, uh. And I thought I'd get a hot swim and loosen up the muscles. Why go to the car and get the bathing suit? Jump right in. It's exhilarating. Guess what, honey? This person here was…here. I didn't see this person, so I uh…I screamed, that's why I yelled. I was so surprised. You can imagine, can't you honey?**_

"Would you believe that I was swimming with Madelaine Petsch or Camila Mendes?" Sean asked, imitating Clark.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Realizing that he hurt Ellen and made a fool of himself in front of his kids, Clark and the Girl in the Red Ferrari part ways until** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **in 1997. Then, Clark heads back to his motel room, where Ellen is probably fifty shades of pissed off at him.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Do you like that girl? Is that what you want?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Oh no, no, no, no. How could I like a girl like that? She's ugly.**_

"Hey, hey, hey! Christie Brinkley is not ugly. She's hot so you shut your mouth, Griswold." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Clark apologizes and Ellen forgives him, so the two decide to have fun by going skinny-dipping and….**

 **(A topless Ellen jumps in the pool)**

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

"Okay, this is the final, the very, very last _Animaniacs_ reference for this review. I promise!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark and Ellen go skinny dipping in the pool, waking everybody up in the motel and embarrassing Rusty and Audrey. And then we cut to Los Angeles, California as the family finally arrive at Walley World, well a matte painting of Walley World. Since they're the first one's here they decide to race each other to the entrance.**

 **(We see the Griswolds running in slow motion to the theme of** _ **Chariots of Fire**_ **playing)**

"I'm sorry. I think I turned on _Chariots of Fire_ by accident. Here, let me change it to _National Lampoon's Vacation_." Sean said, picking up the remote control and hits the power button as the screen goes to black.

"What just happened?" Brian asked.

"Oh, crap. I think I accidentally turned off the review." Sean said.

"You dumby! Turn the review back on!" Brian exclaimed.

"Alright, alright!" Sean said, picking up the remote control to turn the review back on. After the power comes back on, Sean turns around and sees something different about Brian. His head is replaced by the head of Marty Moose. "What the….Brian?"

"Yep, that's me!" Brian said with his voiced replaced by Marty Moose.

 **Brian: (Narrating) As they arrive at the front gate, their joy comes to a halt, only to find that the park is closed for the next two weeks for repairs.**

"They drove all the way from Chicago to California. This long hectic trek to go to Walley World and it's closed? This long voyage was all for nothing!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This doesn't go well, for Clark as he goes insane and goes to a sporting goods store to buy a BB gun, holding the security guard Russ Laskey, played by the late John Candy at gunpoint.**

"Okay, we got a connection here: Harold Ramis, John Candy, Eugene Levy and James Keach in the same movie. These four guys worked on the 1986 comedy _Armed and Dangerous_ , which starred John Candy and Eugene Levy. James Keach was the producer and screenwriter for the movie and Harold Ramis was the screenwriter for the movie as well. Hey, at least this movie doesn't give us John Candy dressed in drag and Eugene Levy wearing ass-less chaps." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With John Candy held at gunpoint, the Griswolds go on some rides with him joining in on the fun and they get to go on the fun roller coasters.**

 _ **Russ Laskey (Played by the late John Candy): Rusty? May I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once before.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: What happened?**_

 _ **Russ Laskey: I threw up.**_

"You should see my mom at Kings Island. No, she didn't throw up on the rides. We went on The Beast and every time we go on it, she tends to close her eyes when we go down the hill." Sean said. "And quick question: who's operating the rides? Shouldn't somebody operate the rides while they're on it? Come on, Ramis. Explain it to me. Explain it to us."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark and his family's fun comes to an end when an L.A.P.D. SWAT team arrives, armed to the teeth with shotguns and M16 machine guns. Jesus, they're like the GCPD SWAT team from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. While the LAPD arrest the Griswolds, the owner of Walley World, Roy Walley. Played by the late Eddie Bracken from** _ **Home Alone 2: Lost in New York**_ **. And Clark explains to Mr. Walley about his trip.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: We just spent two weeks of living hell driving out here. We lost a very dear member of this family on the way. But, the important thing, Roy, is that we could have gone anywhere this summer, you know?**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Roy understands Clark's impassioned longing for the perfect family vacation, which brought back memories of his own family vacation troubles.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, he decides not to press any charges on Clark and his family and let's his family and the SWAT team enjoy the park as his guests. And so our rousing tale ends with an end credits sequence showing the Griswolds on their travels across the U.S.A. and Lindsey Buckingham's** _ **Dancin' Across the U.S.A.**_ **plays.**

"So that was _National Lampoon's Vacation_. We friggin' love that film." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of the best Chevy Chase movies of all time and one of the greatest comedies of all-time and I honestly can't find anything wrong with it.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) This film is one of the best films in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series and it was a box-office hit, receiving positive reviews from critics and the film gained a cult following. Plus, this film is highly quotable, just like** _ **Home Alone**_ **, which was written by John Hughes.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film spawned three sequels:** _ **European Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Vegas Vacation**_ **, and a reboot and a continuation of the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series simply known as** _ **Vacation**_ **back in 2015. Don't worry we'll get to that one. With a great cast, hilarious writing and some screwball comedy in the mix, if you haven't seen** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **, then go check it out. If you're a fan of Harold Ramis, John Hughes and Chevy Chase, then this is the movie for you. We're giving** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **5 Family Trucksters out of 5.**

"Well, that's it for this review. Tune in next time when _The Summer of Vacation_ continues when we take a look at the second film in the _Vacation_ film series _European Vacation_. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm Brian." Brian said.

"And we'll see you next time. But first before we go, let me just play this." Sean said, picking up his remote and plays Lindsey Buckingham's _Holiday Road_. "Remember, have a safe, family vacation this summer."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose!**_

 **And that's the start of** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **, starting with** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed this hilarious review. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the next film in the Vacation film series,** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **. Let's see if Europe is ready for the Griswolds. Don't forget to review this movie, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	24. TSOV Part 2: European Vacation

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well,** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the second entry in the Vacation film series,** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **. Let's see if the sequel is better than the original. Here's the next chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I stated before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources.** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **is owned by Warner Bros.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part II: National Lampoon's European Vacation**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said, before starting the introduction. "And seeing though as we're in week two of…"

Sean then gets up from out of his desk chair and runs out of his office. We then see the young critic run down the stairs, through the living room and out the door. He is then seen standing outside.

" _THE SUMMER OF VACATION_!" Sean said in his deep voice, ala Decker Shado before running back inside and back into his office. "We're now in the second installment in the _Vacation_ film series, _National Lampoon's European Vacation_. First off, let's talk about the original _Vacation_."

 **(Footage from** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you want my honest opinion, I loved this movie and it's one of my favorite comedies of all time. The film was based on John Hughes' short story** _ **Vacation '58**_ **and it was directed by Harold Ramis, the film was a big hit and had a cult following. I remember watching this movie on Fox Family, before it became ABC Family, before it became Freeform. Although, I had a very sheltered childhood, R-rated movies were out of the question. Okay, so I did watch some R-rated films in my young years like** _ **Total Recall, RoboCop, F/X, The Terminator, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, RoboCop 2**_ **and** _ **Terminator 2**_ **. Hell, I watched my first PG-13 film when I was about 4 or 5. In case you were wondering, that film was Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **and it was awesome. I didn't even watch an R-rated movie until I was about 7 years old. That movie was** _ **Police Academy**_ **, and it was awesome.**

"When I rented the first _Police Academy_ from Blockbuster, I thought it was PG because the rest of the Po _lice Academy_ films were rated either PG-13 or PG. I kinda forgot why the first one had an R-rating. And I think as most R-rated movies go, it was pretty tame. Mostly because of the sexual humor and language and nudity and that podium scene where Cmdnt. Lassard is giving a speech and the prostitute hiding in the podium was giving him a blowjob. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have watched this movie at a young age." Sean said.

 **(More footage from** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm getting way off topic here, the point is I did see** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **at a young age and I enjoyed it a lot. And watching it till this day, it still has some entertaining and hilarious characters. Chevy Chase was pretty hilarious and Christie Brinkley, well, damn she's sexy! The film was highly quotable and made a shit ton of money. I own the double-feature DVD along with today's movie that I'm going to talk about and I don't regret the purchase.**

"So, after the success of _National Lampoon's Vacation_ , a sequel was made. Well, I can already spot a major problem with this movie before I even start reviewing it. I can give you four syllables: PG-13." Sean said, as the PG-13 rating is shown.

 **(Footage from the films** _ **Caddyshack II, Conan the Destroyer, Police Academy 2-7, Terminator: Salvation, Terminator: Genisys, Live Free or Die Hard**_ **and** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What is it with Hollywood toning down sequels to the original and giving them either a PG or a PG-13 rating? We've seen that happen with** _ **Conan the Destroyer**_ **,** _ **Caddyshack II**_ **, the** _ **Police Academy**_ **sequels, the** _ **Terminator**_ **, twice. They did it with** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **and** _ **Die Hard**_ **with** _ **Live Free or Die Hard**_ **. They're doing that just for the kids to watch it. And I have to agree with Sean Moore a.k.a. Smeghead from Cinematic Excrement, he makes a very good point. Why do movie studios do that? It's just like giving** _ **Deadpool 3**_ **a PG-13 rating.**

 **(Footage from** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But back to European Vacation, this movie was toned down to get a PG-13 rating so it could be family-oriented. Anyway, the film was released on July 26, 1985 and it stars Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo. We find our favorite family, the Griswolds, wait, Griswalds, spelled with an "A" instead of an "O", they win a vacation tour across Europe where mayhem ensues.**

"Well, let's not waste any time. Let's see if _National Lampoon's European Vacation_ is better than the original and let's see if Europe is ready for the Griswalds." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get our main title sequence with the song** _ **Holiday Road**_ **by Lindsey Buckingham playing. Instead of the postcards of different states, we see a passport with Clark's family. We see that Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo are the only two returning cast members, we get different actors playing Audrey and Rusty. In this film, Rusty is played by Jason Lively from Fred Dekker's horror comedy** _ **Night of the Creeps**_ **.**

"Fun fact, Jason Lively is the brother of actress Robyn Lively, who starred in the Disney Channel movies _Not Quite Human_ and _Not Quite Human II_ and his half-sister is _Gossip Girl_ actress Blake Lively, who's married to _Deadpool_ star Ryan Reynolds. Don't you dare get me started with _Green Lantern_. I'll talk about that shit storm another day." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the role of Audrey is played by the late Dana Hill, who's voice you might recognize in animated shows and movies like** _ **Jetsons: The Movie, Rover Dangerfield, Tom & Jerry: The Movie, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, Rugrats, Darkwing Duck, Duckman**_ **and as Max Goof in** _ **Goof Troop**_ **.**

"And before I forget to mention this, Dana Hill passed away on July 15, 1996 due to a diabetic stroke brought on by complications of Type 1 diabetes. She's a fantastic actress and I've seen her work and her performance in the 1981 film Fallen Angel, in which she won a Young Artist Award," Sean said. "Also, you can see why they couldn't get the original actors who played Audrey and Rusty. Anthony Michael Hall was busy filming Weird Science at that time and nobody didn't ask Dana Barron to return."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the film was written by John Hughes and Robert Klane. But Hughes was not involved with the film. In fact, he had no idea that they were coming out with a sequel until he saw a preview of it on television. The script was written almost entirely by Robert Klane. If you don't know who Robert Klane is, he's the screenwriter for** _ **Grease 2**_ **,** _ **Weekend at Bernie's**_ **and** _ **The Man With One Red Shoe**_ **. And instead of Harold Ramis directing the film, the movie was directed by a female director named Amy Heckerling.**

"In case you don't know, Amy Heckerling is known for directing the films _Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Clueless,_ _Loser_ and _Johnny Dangerously_. Oh, do you remember the movie _Look Who's Talking_? The movie with the baby with the voice of Bruce Willis? Yeah, she directed that and the sequel _Look Who's Talking Too_ where Mikey's sister Julie has the voice of Roseanne. Oh, God. Let's hope that the little baby doesn't say any racial slurs in that movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the main title sequence, we cut to an opening of a game show called** _ **Pig in a Poke**_ **, and we see that the Griswalds are competing against a rival family in the game show. Also, the show is hosted by this Richard Dawson-wannabe named Kent Winkdale, played by John Astin. And you'll see why I call him a Richard Dawson-wannabe.**

 **(Kent kisses Audrey passionately while Clark looks on in shock)**

"Is that how they do that on game shows? I have to watch _Wheel of Fortune_." Sean said.

 _ **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Clark, played by Chevy Chase, decided to go for the big prize when Kent asks him this question about American Explorers.**_

 _ **Kent Winkdale (Played by John Astin): In 1804, an expedition explored an area from the Louisiana territory to the Pacific Coast. For the grand prize, what lieutenant led that expedition?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald (Played by Jason Lively): I give up.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald (Played by the late Dana Hill): Wait a minute, dad.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald (Played by Chevy Chase): Quiet down! I think I got this one.**_

"Uh…uh…hmmm…who is it?" Sean asked.

 _ **Kent Winkdale: Time's up, Griswalds. Do you have an answer?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): Clark!**_

 _ **Kent Winkdale: That's it! Clark, of Lewis and Clark. And the Griswalds are our grand prize winners!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswalds win an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe starting with London, England. The next day, we see that Clark his having a cookout and we see Ellen, once again played by Beverly D'Angelo is setting the table with her son Rusty, played by Jason Lively, while Audrey, played by the late Dana Hill respectively, is busy playing tonsil hockey with her boyfriend Jack, played by William Zabka?!**

"Out of all the guys in the world, Audrey has to date the asshole from _The Karate Kid_." Sean said.

 _ **Audrey Griswald (Played by the late Dana Hill): Oh, Jack. I can't stand the thought of being away from you for whole two weeks.**_

 _ **Jack (Played by William Zabka): It'll be like before we met.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Before we met, my life was horrible and meaningless. Wasn't yours?**_

 _ **Jack: Yeah, sort of.**_

"Honey, you can be away from this guy. In fact, stay as far away from this fucker as possible. You don't know what he's capable of. He's Cobra Kai, he shows no mercy!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Clark Griswald: Let's light 'em up.**_

 **(Clark throws a match on the grill, causing the flames to shoot up on his face)**

"Christ, man! It's a good thing you didn't end up like this guy." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the Flameboyant Chef is shown)**

 _ **Mark Atlas: (While on fire) You're number one! (Yells)**_

"Oh, boy. What an idiot." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family takes a vote when Rusty and Audrey don't want to go to Europe, but Clark says let's all go to Europe, Jack stays in Chicago. Next, we see Clark is busy filming stuff with his JVC SF-P3 video camera and films Ellen in the shower and he has a naughty idea.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Honey, remember that song you did in college in that musical? That dance thing?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: No, I'm not going to do that. No, Clark. I'm not doing that. No.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Honey, you know I'm going to erase this.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Really?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Yeah. Come on. What do you say?**_

"Okay, am I watching _National Lampoon's European Vacation_ or is this the start of some amateur porn I'm watching?" Sean asked.

 **(Ellen starts singing and doing a very seductive dance while Clark films her)**

"Hellooooooooooooo Nurse!" Sean exclaimed. "What? You've all expected this running gag, I mean come on, Beverly D'Angelo is hot in that scene."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark, being an idiot and doesn't turn off the camera, films himself and Ellen having sex. Oh, boy. Like nothing's going to foreshadow anything later on in the film. After that, the Griswalds are off to Europe and we see that the Griswalds dream about what their experiences will be like in Europe. Ellen dreams that her and Clark are attending a Royal party with Prince Charles and Princess Diana and Queen Elizabeth. And no, that's not the real Princess Diana. That's an actress named Julie Wooldridge. With Rusty, he has a dream that he's in a nightclub dancing with the European babes while** _ **Some Like It Hot**_ **by Power Station plays. With Audrey, well, she has a nightmare about eating fattening European foods….**

"Uh, I can't make fun of this scene. I mean, Dana Hill had Type 1 diabetes and this made shooting Audrey's nightmare scene difficult because she hade to be very careful and avoid swallowing any of the food she was supposed to eat." Sean said.

"Never been to Europe." Brian said.

"My cousin's wife is from England." Sean said.

"Nice." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As for Clark, he has a** _ **Sound of Music**_ **-type dream. Really, a** _ **Sound of Music**_ **parody in 1985? Like how many times are we going to make fun of this movie?**

 _ **Clark Griswald: (Singing) The hills are alive with the sound of Griswalds. This should spin around for a very long time. I'm feeling so high that I just can't stand it. It's as though I've been here for at least a week.**_

"Next, please?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswalds arrive in London, England, where they stay at a fleabag hotel run by a sloppy, Cockney desk clerk, played by the late Mel Smith from the BBC sitcom** _ **Colin's Sandwich**_ **and** _ **Not the Nine O'Clock News**_ **.**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: We got this from the Pig in a Poke show. They said there'd be rooms for four and a rental car waiting for us. We're the grand prize winners. Oink, oink, oink! We'll be pigs!**_

 _ **London Hotel Manager (Played by the late Mel Smith): Oh, the Yanks. Follow me.**_

"Excuse me? Yanks? Another problem with this movie, stereotypes. Not all British people act like that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, at least they have good cable reception.**

 **(Rusty is changing the channel, getting the same channel showing a documentary on cheese)**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: No. No!**_

"Well, fuck! Now how will Rusty watch _CB Strike_?" Sean asked. "More problems, it only gives us what Americans think of Europeans."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get this scene where Clark leaves the bathroom and heads back to the room while Ellen is relaxing in a nice bubble bath until a young Robbie Coltrane from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **and** _ **Harry Potter**_ **walks in and she doesn't notice this and Clark enters the wrong room, when he climbs into bed and lays down next to another woman, played by Maureen Lipman. And with Clark and Ellen being the naughty horny couple, this happens.**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: I have to warn you, I'm feeling very naughty tonight./I've been waiting for this. I can't believe we're alone at last. Just you and me.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: I'm so horny./(Clark notices something unusual about Ellen) Ellen, when did you stop shaving your legs, honey?**_

 **(It's revealed that the person in bed laying next to Clark is not Ellen)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Why don't you just jump in here with me?**_

 **(The man in the bathroom, played by Robbie Coltrane removes his robe while Ellen is humming the British National Anthem. The man whistles as Ellen removes the washcloth off of her face and sees the man and gasps before hiding in the water)**

 **(A clip from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **plays)**

 _ **Valentin Zukovsky (Played by Robbie Coltrane): Shaken but not stirred.**_

 **(Valentin and his men laugh)**

"What? I was torn between that and _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. For those of you who seen _GoldenEye_ this was before _Harry Potter_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the Griswolds take a tour of London in their rent-a-car, a yellow Austin Maxi. And this is the scene where it makes us Americans look bad.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: (After entering the passenger side) Where's the wheel?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Other side, dad.**_

 **(Clark and Ellen switch places as Clark starts driving on the wrong side of the road)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: I realize that, honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car.**_

"Clark, I know that you're new to driving in London but it is much different than driving in the United States, so what ever you do, try not to…" Sean said.

 **(Clark ends up hitting a car)**

"Seriously?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, there's a nice driver, played by the late Paul McDowell, who doesn't freak out about Clark hitting his car and just forgives him. Yeah, I've seen videos of angry drivers in Britain and they tend to get mad.**

 **(A montage of angry British drivers is shown)**

 _ **Driver: (After a car cuts him off) Oh, you fucking wanker! You fucking useless fucking wanker! Fucking hell! Absolute cu…**_

 _ **Driver #2: (After honking the horn at the driver) WANKER!**_

"Ah, Britain. Gotta love their colorful language while driving." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's hope that Clark doesn't hit another…**

 **(He hits another car)**

"You stupid fucking wanking tosser!" Sean yelled out in a British accent. "I hope this guy kicks Griswald's ass!"

 _ **Second English Motorist (Played by the late Ballard Berkeley): We seem to have run into a bit of trouble. What rotten luck.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: I'm really sorry. I'm trying to get us back to our hotel.**_

 _ **Second English Motorist: Ah, an American! So delighted to meet you.**_

 **(He shakes Clark's hand)**

 _ **Second English Motorist: I hope you are enjoying our country.**_

"Another nice English motorist. And he's played by Ballard Berkeley from _Fawlty Towers_. He played Major Gowen." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, he just had two car accidents. Let's pray that Clark does not hit…**

 **(Clark ends up hitting a man on a bike and Ellen screams)**

"Oh, great! That's great! Clark just committed a murder in the U.K.! Un-fucking-belivevable." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually the guy is not dead. He's just a little banged up. We're introduced to the unlucky Bike Rider, played by Monty Python's Eric Idle and he's the best part of this film.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: I hate to bother you, but we're from the United States. We're staying at the Royal Imperial Windsor Arms.**_

 _ **The Bike Rider (Played by Eric Idle): Royal Imperial Windsor! Very nice hotel.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Yeah, we like it. It's a little small.**_

 _ **The Bike Rider: Well, you go back the way you came, and you keep going to….**_

 **(Blood spurts from out of the Bike Rider's wrist and Ellen yelps)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: (Trying to stop the bleeding) Oh, my God!**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: I think you got a bad cut there. We better get you to a hospital.**_

 _ **The Bike Rider: It's just a flesh wound, honestly.**_

"Okay, that was a reference to _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. I don't know if anyone noticed this but he made a reference to that movie. Don't believe me, check out the clip." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail**_ **is shown)**

 _ **The Black Knight (Played by John Cleese): It's just a flesh wound.**_

"Kudos to screenwriter Robert Klane for referencing that film. He must be a _Monty Python_ fan." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Next, we see Clark driving his family around the Lambeth Bridge Roundabout and we get a shot of Big Ben and Parliament and Clark gets stuck driving around the Roundabout for hours and…**

 **(Clark accidentally scratches another person's car)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Clark!**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: That son of a bitch!**_

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (as the British motorist) You fucking dumb wanker! (Honks his horn at Clark) Bloody Yanks!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Clark gets stuck driving around the Roundabout for hours. I can understand but I haven't been to Britain and I have a feeling that it's a bitch getting out. The next day, boredom has struck Rusty and Audrey when Audrey misses her boyfriend Jack and ends up calling him. Before the Griswalds leave London, we get a shot of Buckingham Palace and Clark says the stupidest thing ever in a movie.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Hey, there's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Works? Well, what does she do, dad?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: She queens and vacuums.**_

Sean boos at Clark's line and so does his friend Brian and Dave the cameraman too.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Maltese Falcon**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joel Cairo (Played by the late Peter Lorre): You… you imbecile. You bloated idiot. You stupid fat-head you!"**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, it's time to leave London. But hey, at least they don't have a high bill.**

 _ **London Hotel Manager: That'll be, uh, $253 American.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Listen, this must be some kind of mistake.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: How could that be?**_

 **(Clark looks over at the bill)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Who the hell called Chicago?**_

 **(Clark looks at Rusty, then he realized that it was Audrey who called Chicago)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Audrey!**_

 **(We cut to Clark driving and we hear Audrey crying)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Oh, now Audrey. Your father didn't really mean what he said.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Yes, he did.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: No, not really, honey. He has nothing against Jack. He's not really going to cut off his balls. Are you, Clark?**_

 **(Clark stays silent)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Clark?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Okay, I won't.**_

"Seriously? Your daughter is dating the Cobra Kai jackass. Get a motherfucking chainsaw and castrate him with it. Boy, can you imagine Greg Otto from _American Housewife_ threatening Trip Windsor after catching him and Taylor making out in Taylor's room?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As the Griswalds enjoy a nice drive throughout the countryside, they arrive at Stonehenge and take in the wonder of it.**

 _ **Audrey Griswald: This must be where they sacrificed virgins. God, I miss Jack.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, Clark might've hit some cars and injured a cast member of** _ **Monty Python**_ **. At least Stonehenge is still standing.**

 **(Clark backs the car into an ancient stone monolith, toppling all the stones like dominoes after leaving the scene)**

"I should learn to keep my mouth shut." Sean said, slapping his head in annoyance.

"That's happened in real life." Brian said, imitating _Ed of Ed, Edd 'n Eddy_. "Dominoes! Let's do it again!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrive in Paris, France, where we get shots of some more famous landmarks like Paris' Left Bank and the Eiffel Tower.**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Scanda**_ **l season four episode** _ **Like Father, Like Daughter**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Olivia Pope (Played by Kerry Washington): (To Cyrus) Stop talking! I do not care if he has the African summit in the morning. I do not care if you have to red file him to get past the Marine guard. I do not care if you have to take America into Defcon 1. I just saw the dirtiest sex tape I have ever seen in my entire life and it stars his teenage daughter! So you go upstairs and you get the President's ass out of bed, now!**_

"Not that type of "Eiffel Tower"! God, you all have such dirty minds. And I feel like binging the show _Scandal_ on Netflix. I miss Olivia Pope and Fitz." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also get a shot of the Fountaine des Innocents, where Clark asks a passerby to take a picture of them standing in the fountain, until this happens.**

 **(The passerby runs off with the family's video camera)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Hey! Hey!**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Clark, there isn't anything on that tape that shouldn't be there, is there?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: They took my camera!**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Clark! There isn't anything on that tape that shouldn't be there. Remember? The (singing) Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba-Ba. That's gone right? You erased it?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Yeah, I erased that, honey.**_

"Oh, don't worry. It's not like it's going to come back and bite him on the ass. That guy won't find your amateur porn on the tape." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives at the hotel and the French desk clerk, played by the late Jacques Herlin, checks them in.**

 _ **Hotel Desk Clerk (Played by the late Jacques Herlin): May I help you?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: We're the Clark W. Griswalds. We have a reservation for two chambres.**_

 _ **Hotel Desk Clerk: Can I see your passports?**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Yeah, of course.**_

 **(Clark hands the desk clerk their passports. The clerk looks at the Griswalds passports and starts laughing)**

 _ **Hotel Desk Clerk: (Speaking in French) I don't believe it./(Speaking in French) Typical American Assholes.**_

"Excuse me!? Who the hell are you calling American Assholes, you cheese-eating, Pepe LePew-talking moron? You're forgetting that we saved your asses from the Nazis in World War II, so I suggest that you shut the fuck up, Frenchie!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they get settled in their hotel room, and Clark gives his family some stenciled berets, which proves embarrassing for Rusty, then it's time to try out some of the French cuisine.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: (Taking his order while speaking in French very badly): Nous voulons commander a dejeuner, please.**_

 _ **Café Waiter (Played by Philippe Sturbelle): (Speaking in French) Obviously you don't speak French. You don't understand a damn word.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Okay. (Speaks in French badly) Les enfants desire hamburger et frites.**_

"Uh, Clark. It's pronounced Les enfants. You pronounced it wrong." Sean said, correcting Clark.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this is where the movie makes Americans look bad in Paris.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: My femme would like to commander the soufflé fromage. Et moi, I'll have the veau, the veal.**_

 _ **Café Waiter: (Speaking in French) Your wife has wonderful, big tits./And your daughter has a great little ass.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Just a little brie, yeah. And, uh. Uh, we'll get that later. Merci beaucoup.**_

 _ **Café Waiter: (Speaking in French) Go fuck yourself.**_

"You make fun of the French, they'll mock you back, dude." Brian said.

"Well, at least they're going to have some excellent French cuisine." Sean said.

 **(We see that the chefs in the kitchen are preparing the food. The food is revealed to be microwaveable meals)**

"You fucking French frauds! Where's Chef Ramsay when you need him?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Hell's Kitchen**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chef Gordon Ramsay: Fine dining? A fine fucking mess!**_

"I couldn't agree more." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that quote unquote "fine dining", the Griswalds check out the Eiffel Tower and go up on the observation deck to check out the city of love. Then we see Rusty trying to hit on some cute French girls, but then he gets humiliated by the stupid hat Clark made him wear and then it's time for Clark's father-son talk with him.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Couple of things here. First of all, you're never an idiot. You're a Griswald. You understand that? Huh?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Yeah.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Second of all, Russ. You know I'd never do anything to injure you. You know I'd never do anything to hurt my opinion of myself, right? So, if the beret bothers you, it bothers me. If it upsets you, it upsets me. Okay?**_

 **(Clark removes Rusty's beret from off of his head)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Ah.**_

 **(Clark throws the beret away as another visitor's dachshund mistakes it for a Frisbee and jumps off the tower after it. The dog catches the hat and swims in the water)**

"Whew! Boy, I thought Clark was about to murder that dog. That little mutt was lucky. He got a kiss by the angel of death. That was the angel of death saying, "Now you had your fun, don't do that shit again."" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Clark and Ellen decide to have a little alone time by having a little romantic evening with each other on their first night in Paris and what better way to check out the Paris nightlife is a nice romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant.**

 **(We see that Clark takes Ellen to a bawdy can-can dance show, we see that the dancers are wearing lingerie)**

"Clark, when I said I wanted to see some entertainment, that's not what I meant." Sean said, imitating Ellen. "I mean, seriously, would you want to take your wife or girlfriend to some burlesque show in Paris?"

 **(We see that the next performers doing a fitness routine while wearing spandex, their bare breasts are shown but are censored by Sean's face.)**

"Boy, they're really going for a PG-13 rating here. You do realize that this is a family picture?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Having enough of French culture for one night, Ellen wants to head back to their hotel until she notices someone familiar.**

 **(Clark looks and sees a hooker sitting at a table)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: But it's just a hooker, they're all over the place.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Look who she's with.**_

 **(Clark looks and sees that the hooker is with Rusty)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Russ?!**_

"Another problem that I have with this movie is that they turned Rusty into a horny teen. I guess that's a major trope in 80s films, you got to have the horny teenage boy. I just don't like what they did with the character. He wasn't like that in the original." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Clark and his family explore more of Paris and we get a shot of Notre Dame de Paris cathedral and the Louvre museum.**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Will you please slow down? The kids are exhausted.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Honey, it closes in 15 minutes. There are 100, 000 works of art to see. Come on!**_

 **(An exhausted Audrey faints on the steps of the Louvre)**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Great. Are you happy, dad? She's dead.**_

 **(Rusty kicks Audrey)**

"Thanks, thanks a lot." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After checking out the Louvre, the Griswalds get right back on schedule and while they're eating breakfast, Audrey gets a letter from Jack and receives some bad news.**

 _ **Jack: (V/O) Dear Audrey, I've missed the shit out of you. Luckily, Debbie's been coming by to cheer me up.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: That bitch!**_

"Don't you just love kids cursing in movies?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Audrey gets upset by Jack's letter and starts eating while Rusty is busy watching the newlywed couple from the U.S.A. sitting at another table making out passionately.**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Dad, I think he's going to pork her.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: He's not going to pork her now, Rusty. Just, uh. Just eat, okay.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: I think he is, dad.**_

 **(Clark looks over at the couple)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: He may pork her, Russ. Just eat, okay?**_

 **(Rusty keeps watching with a goofy look on his face)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Cheers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): You can't shut up long enough to write a check. You know as a matter of fact you can't shut up at all.**_

"Did I mention I hate what they did with that character?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswalds arrive in a West German village to visit Clark's ancestors and then we get the song Holiday Road playing during the drive before arriving.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: (After arriving in the village) What are we looking for?**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Sechs, dad.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: That will do, Audrey.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Dad, that's German for "six."**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Come on…is that true, honey?**_

 **(Ellen nods her head)**

"Come on, what kind of idiot are you? Who confuses "six" with "sex"? Probably Jerry Seinfeld." Sean said, referencing the _Seinfeld_ season five episode _The Lip Reader_.

 _ **Clark Griswald: (After knocking on the elderly German couple's door) Guten tag. Uh, my family and I are looking for sechs.**_

 _ **German Man: Schweinhund!**_

"And this idiot is the next person to do so and is called either a "pig-dog" or "bastard" in German." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark and his family burst in on an elderly couple, not knowing that they entered the wrong house. They think that the elderly couple are their relatives but they end up providing them dinner and let them stay and not able to understand their language.**

 _ **Fritz Spritz (Played by the late Willy Millowitsch, credited as William Millowitsch): (Speaking in German) Who the hell were they?**_

 _ **Helga Spritz (Played by the late Erika Wackernagel, credited as Erica Wackernagel): (Speaking in German) Beats the shit out of me.**_

"Okay, that was my favorite bit in the movie. That and the other funny bit with the bedpans." Sean said.

 **(Clark is using the bedpan to brush his teeth as Rusty enters the room while holding a bedpan)**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Hey, dad. Look. Bedpans!**_

 **(Clark spits in disgust)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Clark and his family arrive at a German festival. Probably Oktoberfest, where they see a bunch of Bavarian dancers doing the chicken dance. With Rusty, he's getting lucky with a hot German girl, played by Claudia Neidig.**

 **(The German girl unbuttons her top, exposing her breasts to Rusty)**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: (Smiles in joy) Holy shit.**_

"Oh, my god! Why would you ruin that character and turn him into a horny little toad like friggin' Glen Quagmire from _Family Guy_?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Brian: Who else but Rusty?**

 _ **Singers: He's Rusty. Rusty**_

 _ **You never really know what he's gonna do next**_

 _ **He's Rusty. Rusty**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Rusty) Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity! Let's have sex!**

 **(The German girl unbuttons her top, exposing her breasts to Rusty)**

 **Rusty Griswald: (Smiles in joy, with Quagmire's voice) All right!**

 **Brian: Who else but Rusty?**

 _ **Singers: He's Rusty. Rusty**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Rusty) Giggity-giggity-goo!**

 **(Cutaway gag ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile with Clark, Ellen and Audrey, Clark is picked out to join the Bavarian folk dancers on stage. Like nothing could go wrong, right?**

 **(During the dance, Clark gets slapped by one of the Bavarian dancers. Then, Clark headbutts the same guy who slapped him)**

"Clark, don't do this. It's bad enough that you turned one vacation into Tru TV's _World's Dumbest Drivers, Meltdowns, Criminals, Hillbillies, Daredevils_ and _Outlaws_. We don't need this one to turn into World's Dumbest Brawlers." Sean said.

 **(After getting slapped by the same guy, Clark ends up punching the man in the face, then gets punch out by the dancer, turning a lively Bavarian folk dance stage performance into an all-out street brawl)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, shit!**

"Great job, Clark. You just turned this performance into _World's Dumbest Brawlers_. I hope that the pony-lion is not involved. Also, if Clark caused a brawl at Oktoberfest in Cincinnati during the chicken dance, I'm leaving out of Duke Convention Center from the Comic Expo and I'm bringing Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, William Zabka, Clark Gregg and Levar Burton with me to Fountain Square to beat this guy up. Nobody ruins the chicken dance in my city!" Sean points at the camera.

"Uh, I think you're supposed to slap the guy back. Not headbutt or punch him." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A fight breaks out and everyone starts beating the shit out of each other. Then, the bells start ringing, which means…**

 _ **Rusty's German Girl (Played by Claudia Neidig): They're going to hang somebody!**_

 **(Rusty thinks for a moment, then realizes who they're going to hang)**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Dad!**_

"Clark Griswald's gonna die in Germany! This movie's getting pretty good." Sean said, with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the Germans ready to kill them, the Griswalds high-tail it out of here with Clark driving wildly and knocking down several street vendors and trying to re-enact a scene from** _ **Batman Returns**_ **but gets his car stuck in a narrow archway. Clark and his family make it onto the next train to Rome. Turning the train ride, the family gets pissed off at each other and not talk to each other and they start to annoy each other with loud noises.**

 **(Audrey rips a photo of Jack, then blows a bubble and chews her gum loudly, irritating Ellen. Next, we see Rusty tapping on his tape recorder and listening to music while singing, irritating Clark. Then, Clark starts messing around with the ashtray, irritating Ellen. And Ellen starts shaking her newspaper to irritate her husband)**

"Hey, if we're going to irritate each other with the most annoying sounds in the world, we might as well." Sean said as he starts yelling like Lloyd from _Dumb and Dumber_.

 **(We get a montage of annoying sound playing throughout the scene. Sounds including an alarm clock, a power drill, a fax machine, a man singing, an annoying cat meowing, clips of annoying laughs, Janice from** _ **Friends**_ **laughing, Fran from** _ **The Nanny**_ **laughing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Kindergarten Cop**_ **plays)**

 **** _ **Det. John Kimble (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): SHUT UP!**_

Sean stops making the most annoying sound in the world and stays quiet with a sad look on his face before looking down at his desk. "I'm sorry."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrive at their last destination of their European vacation, Rome, Italy. God, I hope that they don't run into the Vatican. Please don't ruin the Vatican. The Griswalds head down to the nearest travelers checks place…**

 **(We see that it says "The Nearest Travelers Checks Place" on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thank you, movie. I already said that. You didn't have to remind us like** _ **Superman IV**_ **. They head down to the nearest travelers checks place, where it's being robbed by a thief, played by the late Victor Lanoux, and his associate, played by Massimo Sarchielli. They hold the real manager hostage and the thief pretends to be the man in charge of the travel office.**

 _ **The Thief (Played by the late Victor Lanoux): What we need now is a dupe. Someone above suspicion who will believe anything you tell him. A real idiot.**_

"Right. And that real idiot will be walking through this door in about 3, 2, 1…" Sean said.

 **(Clark and his family enter the travel office)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Hello, anybody here?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The thief pretends to be the manager and while he's doing that he becomes attracted to Ellen and gives them $3,000. The thief gives them a car with the real manager inside. So, the first thing they do in Rome is going shopping for some new clothes.**

 **(We get a montage of Clark and his family trying on some new clothes while Dr. John's** _ **New Looks**_ **plays)**

"Well, Italy's got some excellent fashion. Also, try not to ruin the Vatican. We don't need you guys to cause an international incident." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After buying some new wardrobe, the Griswalds stop at a hotel and Clark bumps into a familiar face from London.**

 _ **Clark Griswald: Hey, it's you. The guy from London.**_

 _ **The Bike Rider: You're the American I ran into.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Yeah.**_

"Run! Run like your fucking life depended on it because it does! You do not want to deal with Clark Griswald! You're trying to enjoy your little holiday." Sean said.

 _ **Clark Griswald: Kids, look who it is! Say "hi"!**_

 **(Clark accidentally hits the bike rider in his face)**

"Not again." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Clark and the Griswalds are walking around the Piazza Navona and Audrey becomes depressed about Jack and wanting to go home because she misses him.**

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Well, the Colosseum will always be there. It's been there for 2,000 years. But if I don't go home soon, Jack's gonna fall in love with Debbie and then I'll just die.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Oh, Audrey. Don't you want to see the Colosseum before you die?**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: I hate you.**_

"Ugh, vacations. Right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Clark and Ellen deciding whether or not Rusty and Audrey should go off on their own in Rome, Ellen discovers something shocking.**

 **(Ellen, with her eyes widened in shock, sees a billboard with a picture of her on it, advertising a porn called** _ **La Donna Nella Doccia**_ **, which translates to** _ **The Wet Hot Wife**_ **)**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Oh, my God!**_

" _The Wet Hot Wife_? Sounds like a porn I saw with Cherie DeVille in it. Maybe it involved a lesbian scene between her and Scarlett Sage." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ellen becomes livid at Clark, who told Ellen that he had erased the video, and she storms off to the hotel as the family go on their separate ways in Rome. Clark is busy checking out some of the landmarks, please stay away from the Vatican. Meanwhile, Rusty meets a girl who's from California and the two of them hit it off. By the way, the girl that Rusty is talking to is played by…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Evil (Played by Mike Myers): Moon Unit Zappa.**_

"Thank you, Dr. Evil. She's played by Moon Zappa, who's the sister of musician Dweezil Zappa and she's the daughter of the late Frank Zappa, who's also a musician. He also played a bad guy on an episode of _Miami Vice_ during the show's second season." Sean said.

 _ **Rusty Griswald: So, what are you doing in Rome?**_

 _ **Rusty's California Girl (Played by Moon Zappa): Traveling through Europe with my folks.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Me to. We won…**_

 _ **Rusty's California Girl: Pig in a Poke. I saw the show.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: You saw the show?**_

 _ **Rusty's California Girl: Sure. You answered the Thomas Edison question and you won your dad the car wax.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: You remembered?**_

 _ **Rusty's California Girl: Yeah, I thought you were cute.**_

"I'm cute! She thinks I'm cute!" Sean said in his Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the hotel, a humiliated Ellen encounters the thief who rented them the car and he tries to charm her and Ellen tells him about her recent troubles.**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: (Crying) I said the "F" word in front of my children! What kind of a woman am I?**_

"Hold it, hold it. She said the "F" word in front of her children? Can we play that footage from before?" Sean asked.

 _ **Ellen Griswald: Oh, forget your vote!**_

"Yeah, movie. I don't recall her saying the "F" word. Boy, this movie keeps making mistake after mistake." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The thief tries to seduce Ellen, but Ellen pushes him away until he noticed that the police arrived and he kidnaps Ellen.**

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Mother!**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: Hi, hon. What's the matter?**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Dad, I think mom's been kidnapped.**_

 **(The** _ **Superman**_ **theme plays after Clark removes his glasses)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now the chase is on when Clark, Audrey, Rusty and Rusty's California Girl go after the thief and Ellen in a thrilling, yet comical car chase throughout the streets of Rome, try not to hit the Pope.**

 **(A tire bursts on Clark's car)**

 _ **Clark Griswald: (Bad dubbing) Darn it all!**_

"Oh, really? Like I don't know what he said. He clearly said "Oh, fuck!" over that bad dubbing. Come on, movie. At least let Chevy Chase say the "F" word. That's what the PG-13 rating is for." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With a blown-out tire, Clark goes** _ **Grand Theft Auto: European Vacation**_ **on our asses and steals someone's bike and he goes after the thief and Ellen. The chase ends when the thief crashes the car into the fountain, we see Eric Idle one last time until Christmas Vacation 2, Clark punches out the thief and saves Ellen.**

 _ **Ellen Griswald: I love you, Sparky. You're my hero.**_

 _ **Clark Griswald: I know.**_

 **(Clark hugs Ellen)**

 _ **Rusty's California Girl: Your parents are actually pretty cool.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Yeah, they're good for a few laughs, sometimes.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswald: Now can we go home?**_

"Yes, please. I think you caused enough damage in Europe. I think you almost hit the Pope." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Griswalds' European vacation ends as they fly back to the good ol' U.S. of A., at least this flight will go well…**

 **(Clark enters the cockpit, knocking the pilot down, causing his head to get stuck underneath the controls while the plane flies uncontrollably and Clark screams. We see that the plane knocks the Statue of Liberty's torch upside down.**

 _ **Rusty Griswald: Yup. The Griswalds are back!**_

"Ooh, if I want to wake up with a Fanfiction account, I am not going to make that offensive joke." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with an end credits sequence showing a montage of everything that's American while Network's** _ **Back in America**_ **plays)**

"And that was _National Lampoon's European Vacation_ and I thought it was an okay sequel." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie had some problems here and there. I mean, it's a retread of the original but putting the Griswalds in Europe instead of California. The movie can be stereotypical at times and the Rusty character tends to be out of character by making him a teenage sexpot, I don't have a problem with Jason Lively's performance. I thought he did a good job at portraying Rusty, I have a problem with how the character is written. Aside from mixed reviews, European Vacation ranked number one at the box office. As for the performances, Chevy Chase is hilarious as always as Clark W. Griswald and Beverly D'Angelo is amazing as always as the beautiful yet cautious wife Ellen, and I also loved the performances of Jason Lively and Dana Hill as Rusty and Audrey Griswald. Plus, I loved the addition of Eric Idle, I've watched him in** _ **Monty Python**_ **and the movie** _ **Casper**_ **and he's hilarious in this one as well. It's an okay sequel, not as good as the first one but still hilarious. If you enjoyed watching the original Vacation, then you're going to love** _ **Europen Vacation**_ **. That's why I'm giving** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **3 Pigs in a Poke out of 5.**

"That's it for my review of _National Lampoon's European Vacation_. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time for more _Summer of Vacation_." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **It's just a flesh wound, honestly**_ **.**

 **That's it for my review of** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Any funny bits that you like? Is there anything for me to improve, let me know. I would love to hear your input. Next time on the** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **,** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **continues when Sean takes a look at the** _ **Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments**_ **. If there are any funny moments from the Vacation film series that you want me to add, feel free to let me know. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**

 **In Memory of**

 **Anthony Bourdain**

 **June 25, 1956-June 8, 2018**

" **Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have."**


	25. TSOV Part 3: Top 11 Vacation Moments

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well,** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the top 11 funniest moments from the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series. So here it is, the next chapter of the** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources. The** _ **Vacation**_ **film series is owned by Warner Bros.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part III: The Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments**

Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, is seen once again sitting at his desk once more. This time, he is listening to Lindsey Buckingham's _Holiday Road_ and starts singing while Dave is trying to get his attention.

"Uh, Sean? Sean? Dude, you're on." Dave said as Sean looks up t the camera and stops singing and sits his phone down on the desk.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And we're still continuing…." Sean said as he gets up from out of his seat before speaking in a deep, booming voice. " _THE SUMMER OF VACATION_!"

 **(Footage from the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes.** _ **Vacation**_ **film series shows us what happens when family vacations go wrong. The film tells the tale about Clark Griswold taking his family on a different family vacation and chaos ensues. The film series has some of it's funniest moments, some of the films have some of it's dumbest moments. Hell, the film series have made one of their stupidest decisions.**

 **(A poster for** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ugh, we'll get to that one soon. Trust me. But, there are some of the funniest moments from most of the films that I like. Ones that made me laugh the most. That is why I'm taking a look at the Top 11 funniest moments from the greatest comedies of all time. Which ones had the most laughs, which ones had the best moments?**

"Now, I have one exception: I am not counting _Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure_ because that one sucked balls. But aside from that, everything else is fair game. And we're taking a look at the Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments. Why top 11? Do I have to go on a Clark Griswold-style rant here? Let's all travel down on the Holiday Road, this is the _Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments_!" Sean said.

 **(A montage of the films in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series is shown while Lindsey Buckingham's** _ **Holiday Road**_ **starts playing)**

 **Number 11: Clark Meets Bike (** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **had one of the most funniest moments and this one has to be one of my favorites in the film. It all starts with Clark driving badly in London and hitting a couple of cars, then he has a run in with a bike rider, played hilariously by Eric Idle.**

 _ **The Bike Rider (Played by Eric Idle): (While Ellen and Clark is helping him up) Oh, no problem. No problem, squire. No harm done. It doesn't hurt much at all.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) They got one of the actors from** _ **Monty Python**_ **in the movie and they picked the right guy. And the funny thing about this scene, is that they showed the guy pretty banged up when he says that he's perfectly alright when he's not.**

 _ **The Bike Rider: (While giving directions): Well, you go back the way you came, and you keep going to…**_

 **(Blood spurts from out of the Bike Rider's wrist and Ellen yelps.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then he makes a reference to** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail.**_

 _ **The Bike Rider: It's just a flesh wound, honestly.**_

"Boy, those Pythons and their flesh wounds." Sean said.

 _ **The Bike Rider: It's just a leg, I've got another one.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is one of the greatest comedic scenes of all time. It's right up there with Abbott & Costello's Who's On First?. Not to mention, this guy has a run-in with Clark like three times in the movie. When he bumps into Clark at the hotel in Rome, he had that expression on his face and he's thinking, "Oh, shit. It's him again." That poor guy. Can we give him a holiday without Clark Griswald injuring him?**

 _ **The Bike Rider: Goodbye, have a nice holiday.**_

 **(The Bike Rider leaves)**

 **Number 10: Light Show (** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time, we see that Clark is struggling to get the lights to work right. Boy, this guy is lucky enough to not turn into Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. This was the makings of a classic yet hilarious scene.**

 **Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): You used more than one cord, didn't you?**

 **Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Maybe the kids have been fooling around with it. I'll go check it out.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) When Clark's mom turned the lights on while Clark is checking the extension cord, Ellen is calling out to Clark and we see a bunch of bright lights all over the house, interrupting their next-door neighbors Todd and Margo's romantic evening. Not to mention, it caused the power in the neighborhood to go off and luckily the power company had auxiliary power to turn on the electricity in the neighborhood. Next, when Ellen turns the light in the basement on and checks the cords, Clark jumps in joy seeing that the lights are finally on, then the lights cut off and Clark just freaks the fuck out.**

 **(Clark goes berserk, kicking around the decorations in rage after the lights cut off)**

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Hey! Calm down!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But when he plugs in the lights and Ellen turns the power back on, Clark sees the lights turning on, he is overjoyed and** _ **Hallelujah**_ **starts playing. Making this classic scene #10 on the list. Luckily, none of the neighbors have gone blind.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Sings) Joy to the world!**_

 **Number 9: The Buffet Scene (** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I didn't care for** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **, this movie had it's fair share of funny moments. In this scene, Eddie takes Clark to a casino buffet.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): Best $1.49 buffet in town, Clark.**_

"$1.49 buffet in town? I don't remember Golden Corral being like this." Sean said.

 **Sean: See, every time I eat at a buffet, I'm reminded of this scene and this scene shows almost every nightmarish buffet cross contamination scenario that occurs in this scene.**

 **(Eddie pulls a bag out from the back of his pants and grabs a couple of rolls and putting them in the bag)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Fresh broccoli.**_

 **(Cousin Eddie sneezes on the broccoli)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: God bless you. Maybe I'll just replace these. (Removes the broccoli from off of his plate and grabs a carrot) Just get a carrot.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Like good god! This buffet is one big health code violation and boy the food looked disgusting. The food at Golden Corral wasn't like that. I mean, who serves blue beef and yellow chicken? I've never been to Las Vegas and I hope that their buffet is not like that in real life. And to top it all off, Clark tells Eddie how much money he gambled way.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: $22, 600.**_

 _ **Cousin Eddie: (Yells) Oh, God! Oh, God! OH, MY GOD!**_

"Poor guy. Clark can't do anything right." Sean said.

 **Sean: If you like going to buffets, then this scene will make you not eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet. That's why this scene makes the #9 spot.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: May I have some of the, um, some of the yellow? And don't get cheap on me. (Chuckles)**_

 **Number 8: White Water Rafting (** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **)**

 _ **Chad (Played by Charlie Day): You must be the Fong family?**_

 **(Rusty and his family look confused)**

 _ **Chad: I'm just messin'! You're the Griswolds, right?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold (Played by Ed Helms): Yes, that's right.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the film having some problems here and there. This is one scene that had me cracking up. In this scene, Rusty takes his family whitewater rafting and they meet this fun-loving instructor, played** _ **by It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia**_ **'s Charlie Day.**

 _ **Chad: First off, do any of you know this river? 'Cause this is my first time.**_

 **(Rusty and his family stay silent for a bit)**

 _ **Chad: I'm kidding. (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, he gets a phone call from his fiancée and he turns into a crying mess when she breaks up with him and Chad freaks out and throws his phone.**

 **(The Griswolds watch as Chad starts crying loudly)**

 **** _ **Chad: (After he's done crying) Who's ready to go to the river?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now you're probably thinking, "How bad could it be?". Well, it gets worse when Chad goes crazy and tries to kill the family. It turns into a bad scene from** _ **The River Wild**_ **.**

"The River what?" Brian asked.

" _The River Wild_. The movie with Meryl Streep and Kevin Bacon." Sean said. "Come on! You might've heard of it."

 **Sean: (Narrating) When you put a character in dangerous situation, it tends to get hilarious. Everything about this scene makes it so funny and the payoff is just right. You know what they say, love hurts when you're Chad.**

 **(Chad goes down the waterfall and screams)**

 **Number 7: Christmas Dinner (** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, classic Christmas dinner scene ever in one of the best Christmas movies ever. This is one of the most hilarious scenes ever.**

 _ **Nora Griswold (Played by Diane Ladd): Grace!**_

 _ **Aunt Bethany (Played by the late Mae Questel): Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.**_

 _ **Uncle Louis (Played by the late William Hickey): They want you to say grace.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is one of my favorite scenes because in this scene, it has a hilarious setup. You have Betty Boop and Olive Oyl's voice actress trying to say grace instead she says the Pledge of Allegiance.**

 _ **Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then everyone joins in and Clark is trying to figure out what the hell is going on. But the best part of this scene was when Clark tries to carve the turkey that Cousin Catherine fixed and the turkey explodes.**

 **(The turkey splits apart)**

 **** _ **Cousin Catherine (Played by Miriam Flynn): (Crying) I told you we put it in too early.**_

"Well, you should've basted the turkey." Sean said. "But then I say, turkey's pretty good, but I prefer either pot roast or ribs. Or a nice steak and lobster."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Plus, there's something that I have just noticed on the scene and from watching the Nostalgia Critic's video on Christmas Vacation and I definitely missed that part. When you watch the scene, you'll notice Ellen suddenly flinging the turkey off of her fork and pretends to eat it.**

 **(The scene is shown where Ellen flings the turkey off of her fork and pretends to eat)**

"Yeah, play that back." Sean said.

 **(The scene plays back again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) See! See! I just noticed that! The turkey is so bad Ellen flings it off of her fork. If you blink, you might miss it. This is one Christmas dinner turned into a disaster. Making it onto the #7 spot on the list.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Here's the heart.**_

 **Number 6: Cousin Eddie (** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation/Christmas Vacation/Vegas Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What could I say about Cousin Eddie in the film series? Well, he's a nut but Randy Quaid is nuttier in real life.**

 **(An article titled** _ **Randy Quaid Posts Bizarre NSFW 'Sex Video' With Wife In Rupert Murdoch Mask**_ **. Then another article titled** _ **Randy Quaid Exposes The Illuminati**_ **is shown)**

"Yeah, this guy really lost it. Clark needs to give him some money." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, this character is loveable and one of the craziest characters in the film series. With Eddie, he has a series of problems in his life, unlike his portrayer in real life.**

 **(A video of Randy Quaid is shown)**

 _ **Randy Quaid: So, Rupert. You wanna fuck me, I'm gonna fuck you.**_

"No! We're not going to show the video. This is a family-friendly story." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He's one of those relatives that tend to annoy you, kinda like a nuisance alligator. He has a metal plate in his head, he has a daughter who's a stripper. Hell, some of his kids have some problems. Not to mention, he has a snotty dog.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: (On Snots) We named him that because he got this sinus condition.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you want, he can treat you to a $1.49 all-you-can-eat buffet with contaminated food.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: The bread pudding is extra runny tonight.**_

"No, thanks. I would rather have the banana pudding." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) If Clark can't stand him, then I bet you will. That's why Cousin Eddie is #6 on the list.**

"I wonder how much money Cousin Eddie needs." Sean said, pulling out his checkbook.

 _ **Cousin Eddie: 'Bout $52,000.**_

Sean doesn't sign the check and puts his checkbook away.

"You're scum, Eddie." Sean said.

 **Number 5: German Brawlfest** _ **(National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) If there's anyone who could ruin a perfectly good German folk dance, then there's Clark W. Griswald. The dude immediately turned a German folk dance into an all-out brawl.**

 **(One of the dancers slap Clark in the face)**

"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to slap someone during those types of German folk dances, not punch them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then the guy continues to slap Clark around until Clark can't take it anymore. And with Clark being the dumb American…**

 **(Clark punches the dancer)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah. Then, a huge fight breaks out with everybody acting like they're at the Source Awards.**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (as a German Folk Dancer holding an AK-47) Fuck this Oktoberfest crap!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, good god. He's lucky that he didn't cause an international incident. Who am I kidding? He did! Remind me never to start a fist fight at Oktoberfest or this will happen.**

 **(The bells start ringing)**

 _ **Rusty's German Girl: They're going to hang somebody!**_

"Yikes!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is one disastrous folk dance that you do not want to be a part of.**

 **(The all-out street brawl is shown)**

 **Number 4: Asleep At the Wheel (** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember watching videos of idiots falling asleep at the wheel on YouTube or on** _ **World's Dumbest Drivers**_ **? Well, this is an example of dumb drivers falling asleep at the wheel.**

 **(Clark is shown falling asleep at the wheel and driving uncontrollably)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, that's one way to kick off your family vacation. This scene shows Clark's pure stupidity, which would make you yell at the television screen.**

 **(Clark is asleep at the wheel, almost hitting a man and almost hitting a car)**

"Dude, wake up." Sean said.

 **(The car is driving on the curb of the sidewalk)**

"Wake up, you idiot." Sean said.

 **(Clark, still asleep, drives through the yard of a couple of houses)**

 **(A video of Terry Crews yelling out "Wake Up!" is shown)**

 _ **Terry Crews: I said WAKE UP!**_

 **(Clark wakes up and screams, then hits the breaks as they arrive at a motel)**

 _ **Terry Crews: (V/O) GET YOUR ASS UP!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Geez, did he like take a sleeping pill or something or was he just too tired to drive? Ladies and gentlemen, take one good lesson, do not fall asleep while driving.**

"Clark, for making the number four spot in the countdown, you should have your license suspended." Sean said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: I think you're all fucked in the head.**_

 **Number 3: Thor's Hammer (** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Not sure if you need a hand out there but I'd love to help.**_

 _ **Stone Crandall (Played by Chris Hemsworth): Well, I can always use an extra set of hands.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Well, I was born with an extra set of hands.**_

 _ **Stone Crandall: That's an odd thing to say.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's talk about Stone Crandall. Well, what can I say about this guy? Well, he's married to Rusty's sister Audrey, he's hunky, a bit of a douchebag. And he's played by the mighty Avenger himself, Chris Hemsworth. I mean, I've seen him do serious stuff but him doing comedy, he just cracks me up in this one. I mean it's not the only time we've seen Chris Hemsworth make a fool out of himself in comedies.**

 **(A clip from the 2016 reboot of** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Kevin (Played by Chris Hemsworth): Hey, that man went out the wrong door.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right. But here's a scene where Stone decides to show off….**

 **(Stone enters the room in only his boxer briefs. We see that his erection is poking out)**

We cut to Sean, who is shown with his eyes widened and his jaw slowly dropping.

 _ **Stone Crandall: Man, sure is beautiful here this time of year, ain't it? And quiet. Listen. You hear that?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: No.**_

 _ **Stone Crandall: Exactly, it's perfect silence.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Boy, the amount penis jokes for this scene. He just came in the room and Rusty and his wife Debbie just got a good look at Thor's stormbreaker. It's as big as Thor's hammer. Hela from** _ **Thor: Ragnarok**_ **couldn't break that.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Home Alone 3**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Alex Pruitt (Played by Alex D. Linz): Ouch.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I have no words to say but what a jerk.**

 _ **Debbie Griswold (Played by Christina Applegate) Biggest jerk I've ever seen.**_

 **Number 2: Sewer Rat (** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, you think that Clark and his family are going to have a good-old fashioned family Christmas that's perfect? Well, with Cousin Eddie and his family around, it's destined to become a disaster. Clark comes downstairs for breakfast and looks out the window, and what does his wondering eyes see?**

 _ **Clark Griswold: An asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.**_

 **(Clark and Ellen see Eddie emptying his RV's toilet into the sewer)**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Shitter was full!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Like ewww! He knows better! It's illegal to do that. I guess that how Pennywise the Clown appeared when he killed Georgie Denbrow. And to top it off, one of the neighbors spot Cousin Eddie doing that and the dude made the smartest decision to just go back in the house. Yeah, that's how crazy Clark's family are. With a scene so hilarious and gross, this deserves the number two spot, pun intended.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!**_

 **Number 1:**

"And the number one funniest _Vacation_ moment of all time is…" Sean said before revealing the moment.

 **Ranting Griswold (** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation/National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, okay. I know I'm cheating a little bit here because both of these scenes are pretty hilarious and one of the best bits in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series. In the first one, Ellen and the kids had enough of the trip and want to go home because it's been a big disaster, and in** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **, Clark goes in full-meltdown mode when the perfect family Christmas becomes a huge disaster. Both of those classic scenes are some of the funniest moments in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation! It's a quest! It's a quest for fun!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) With his wife and kids watching him going insane, Clark becomes obsessed with getting to Wally World.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Laughs) I got to be crazy. I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of living hell, take a look at this classic scene where Clark gets screwed over by his boss because instead of getting his bonus, he gets a free year's membership for the Jelly of the Month Club. And then he just snaps and goes on a tirade about his boss.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wow. This has got to be my favorite rants in movie history. Somebody give this guy a Tylenol or shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. Better yet, give this guy a drink. He's lucky that he didn't get a heart attack or his head exploded.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Where's the Tylenol?**_

"And that was my top 11 funniest _Vacation_ moments. If there are any moments that I've forgotten, feel free to mention it in the comments section. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in for more of _The Summer of Vacation_ when we take a look at one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time….we're taking a look at it in July. See you guys next time for _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_." Sean said and got out of his seat, then sits back down. "Oh, and one more thing….IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

Sean starts playing Johnny Mathis' rendition of _It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year_ and pulls out a Santa hat.

"In July." Sean smiled as the song continues to play.

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **top** _ **11 Funniest Vacation Moments**_ **. I hope you all liked that little countdown. Okay, so I will be taking a little break from writing this and wait till July to post the** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **review with fellow writer Boris Yeltsin co-reviewing this movie with me. Next time,** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **continues when Sean and Brian take a look at one of the best Christmas movies and one of the best sequels in the Vacation series,** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **. Christmas in July is going to be a great start. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. So, I have plans for The Mayhem Critic in September after I'm finished with The Summer of Vacation, I'm thinking of reviewing the Netflix movie** _ **Death Note**_ **and I'm thinking that it could be a co-review. If anyone's a big Anime fan and interested in co-reviewing the movie** _ **Death Note**_ **with me, then feel free to PM me and I'll let you know. Then after** _ **Death Note**_ **, I'm reviewing either the James Bond movies** _ **License to Kill, Die Another Day**_ **or** _ **GoldenEye**_ **or even** _ **A View to a Kill**_ **, then after Bond I'm reviewing** _ **Demolition Man**_ **. I hope that you're excited. See you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	26. TSOV Part 4: Christmas Vacation

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well,** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **continues when Sean and Brian kick off Christmas in July with one of the greatest and funniest Christmas movies of all time and the third entry in the Vacation film series,** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **. Yule crack up from their hilarious review. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective sources.** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is owned by Warner Bros. and Hughes Entertainment.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part IV: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**

Sean a.k.a The Mayhem Critic is seen once again sitting in front of his desk. This time, he is seen wearing a Christmas sweater and a Santa hat, preparing to talk about today's topic.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's July and you know what that means? IT'S CHRISTMAS….IN JULY!" Sean jumps out of his desk chair in joy and starts playing Johnny Mathis' rendition of _It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year_ before breaking out into song.

 _ **Sean: (Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year**_

 _ **With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer**_

 _ **It's the most wonderful time of the year**_

Sean steps outside and realizes that it is 96 degrees outside and that he's wearing a sweater and jeans, then stops singing.

"Holy shit, it's hot outside!" Sean exclaimed as he enters his house to change into something else.

 **Five Minutes Later**

Sean is seen once again at his desk, this time he's wearing his Star Wars Christmas t-shirt with Yoda on it and a pair of shorts and white Converse low tops. He is also wearing a Christmas baseball cap on his head with a mistletoe hanging on it.

"Sorry about that, my friends. I guess it's a big mistake of me wearing a sweater and jeans in 90 degree temperature." Sean chuckled. "Anyway, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Like I said, it's Christmas in July and we're still continuing…"

Sean picks up the remote to turn on the television, only to see that it's playing a Christmas movie and we see Sean, sitting in a sled and dressed as Santa Claus.

"THE SUMMER OF VACATION!" Sean said in a deep voice. "Merry Christmas in July!"

"Since it's Christmas in July and the Hallmark Channel's showing Christmas movies in July, we're continuing The Summer of Vacation with one of the best Christmas movies and my favorite in the Vacation film series, _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_ and joining me to review this movie is my friend Brian." Sean said.

"Thanks for having me here, Sean. Hi guys." Brian said. "Let's talk about _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_."

 **(Footage from** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released on December 1** **st** **, 1989,** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is the third installment in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series. The film was written and produced by John Hughes. The screenplay was based on Hughes' short story in** _ **National Lampoon**_ **magazine simply titled** _ **Christmas '59**_ **.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The film stars Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid, Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki respectively and the movie features an all-star cast of characters like Diane Ladd, John Randolph, E.G. Marshall, Doris Roberts, William Hickey, Mae Questel, Miriam Flynn, Brian Doyle-Murray and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film was directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik, who's known for directing this little gem of a movie called** _ **The Avengers**_ **.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Marvel's The Avengers**_ **is shown with Alan Silvestri's music score playing in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nope, not that one. That's the good** _ **Avengers**_ **. Maybe this clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie could refresh your memory.**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **The Avengers**_ **(1998) is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: (Narrating) So they go to a secret underground company called Wonderland Weather, where they…(cut to a board meeting with each person dressed in teddy bear costumes, each in different colors) the FUCK?!**_

 _ **August De Wynter (Played by Sean Connery): (Dressed in a black teddy bear costume) Welcome to Wonderland Weather, here in our London headquarters.**_

"What the fuck?!" Brian exclaimed.

"Don't ask. It's a dumb movie." Sean said. "But hey, Christmas Vacation is a better movie than The Avengers '98."

"Okay, so we've see the Griswolds driving through America to Walley World and they almost destroyed half of Europe." Brian said.

"Let's see if they play it safe by staying at home to have a good old-fashioned family Christmas. The keyword is "safe". Let's take a look at National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and see if yule crack up from a Griswold Christmas." Sean said.

 **(As the film starts, Sean and Brian see the current logo for Warner Bros. Pictures)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Okay, so we're off to a good start. We get our traditional Warner Bros. Pictures logo…**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute. An AOL Time Warner Company. Why are they using the 2003 logo? Shouldn't they use the one from the late 80s to early 90s with the Warner Communications Company byline before Time Warner owned Warner Bros.?**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Actually, this is the special edition DVD that we're looking at. So, they used the 2003 logo instead of the logo that they used in 1989.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so our film opens with an animated sequence played over by that catchy** _ **Holiday Road**_ **song….**

 **(The song** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **performed by Mavis Staples is playing instead of Holiday Road)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's not** _ **Holiday Road**_ **.**

"Wait a minute, we get a different song instead of hearing Holiday Road? We had Holiday Road in two films and not this one?" Sean asked.

"Well, Sean. This is a Christmas movie, so they needed a Christmas song to accompany this movie instead of Holiday Road." Brian said.

"Well, it's a good change of pace. I mean, it's no Holiday Road but it's pretty good." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So we get an animated title sequence for the opening credits done by animator Bill Kroyer. Ah, the 80s. Remember when most movies used animation for opening credits back in the 80s and 90s? Good times.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Santa Claus is making a stop to deliver gifts at the Griswolds house and he's gonna regret making that stop.**

 **(We see an animated Santa getting chased by a rolling snowman's head, getting electrocuted by a broken Christmas light bulb, getting stuck in the chimney and shot in the head by a toy cannonball)**

"Instead of ho ho ho, it's ouch ouch ouch." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So after this wonderfully drawn animated sequence with the second catchiest song in the Vacation series, our tale begins with the Griswolds driving out to the country to find the perfect Christmas tree.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark, once again played by Chevy Chase, gathers his wife Ellen, once again played by Beverly D'Angelo, and their children Rusty and Audrey, who seemed to have growed down since their last family vacation. Audrey is played by Juliette Lewis from** _ **Cape Fear**_ **and** _ **Natural Born Killers**_ **and you might recognize Rusty. He's played by a young Johnny Galecki from** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Leonard Hofstadter (Played by Johnny Galecki): What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?**_

 _ **Sheldon Cooper (Played by Jim Parsons): Screwed.**_

 _ **Leonard Hofstadter: There you go.**_

"Not a bad casting choice. Johnny even uses one of his on-screen dad's gags at one point." Brian said

 **Brian: (Narrating) Well, it seems like a peaceful drive down the country just to look for the perfect Christmas tree, nothing could go wrong.**

 **(Clark notices a truck riding behind him)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): What's the matter?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Some jackass is riding my tail.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Slow down and let him pass.**_

 **(The truck moves to his side as Clark honks his horn at the driver)**

"Well, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas already." Sean said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: Hey, kids, look a deer.**_

 **(Ellen, Rusty and Audrey look out the window as Clark sticks up the middle finger at the driver)**

"Real mature, Clark. Real mature." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Clark goes up against a hillbilly driver, with Clark showing his driving skills and try not to get his family killed.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold (Played by Johnny Galecki): Dad, I think what you mean is, "Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.**_

 **(Clark drives up to the truck driver's side)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Eat my road grit, liver lips!**_

"This can't end well." Sean said.

 **(Another truck moves up behind him as Clark drives underneath the truck)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark, we're stuck under a truck!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Do you honestly think I don't know that?**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold (Played by Juliette Lewis): Come on, you guys, don't fight.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Ah, for chrissake, I didn't do this on purpose!**_

"Oh, boy. This is going to be the family's last Christmas." Brian said.

"Let us pray." Sean said.

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Amen!**_

 **(Clark drives out from underneath the semi-truck, almost driving into a snow truck, then drives off-road to avoid hitting the truck, sending the car flying and into a sign reading "Trees")**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Made pretty good time.**_

"Wow, it definitely turned into _World's Dumbest Drivers_ and _Daredevils_ in one scene. If this movie turns into _World's Dumbest Holidays_ , then oh boy." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, after surviving their latest brush with death, Clark and his family walk out in the cold winter to look for the Griswold family Christmas tree, with Audrey complaining.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: My toes are numb./I can't feel my leg./Mom, I can't feel my hips.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Yes, honey?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Audrey's frozen from the waist down.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: That's all part of the experience honey.**_

"Not sure if that's possible." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After their long trek, Clark and the family come across the perfect tree for the Griswold family Christmas.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Look at it.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: It really is beautiful, Clark.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: It's something else, huh, Russ?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Yeah, dad.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Isn't it a beaut, Audrey?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: She'll see it later, honey. Her eyes are frozen.**_

Sean and Brian both begin to chuckle at the little gag.

"Okay, I have to play this clip." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Suburban Commando**_ **plays)**

 _ **Charlie Wilcox (Played by Christopher Lloyd): Christ! I was frozen today!**_

"Now, there's a movie I've never heard of." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With them finding the perfect Christmas tree, I'm sure that Clark has brought some tools to cut the tree down.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Dad, did you bring a saw?**_

 **(Clark realizes that he didn't bring any tools to cut the tree down. We see the tree strapped onto the roof of the car after uprooting it)**

"Remember kids, always bring a saw to cut down a huge tree to put in your living room, don't act like Clark Griswold." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we cut to a suburban neighborhood where the Griswolds live and we're introduced to their trendy yuppie neighbors Todd and Margo Chester, played by Nicholas Guest from** _ **Power Rangers: Time Force**_ **and the voice of Luminus in** _ **Justice League**_ **and Julia Louis-Dreyfus from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **and** _ **Veep**_ **.**

 _ **Margo Chester (Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus): Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.**_

 **(Clark steps out of his garage wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw)**

 _ **Todd Chester (Played by Nicholas Guest) Hey, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Bend over and I'll show you.**_

 _ **Todd Chester: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: I wasn't talking to you.**_

 **(Todd looks at Margo after realizing that Clark was talking about her)**

"I have better neighbors than that." Brian scoffed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After getting the tree in the house and talking to Ellen about their parents coming over for Christmas. The next day is December 14** **th** **, and we see that Clark is at his job talking to his co-worker Bill, played by Sam McMurray from Raising Arizona, as they talk about Christmas bonuses.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark is excited about what to do with his big bonus is that he's planning on putting a pool in. Let's hope that his boss, Mr. Shirley played by Brian Doyle-Murray gives it to him.**

 _ **Frank Shirley (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray): Were you the one that was working on that non-nutritive cereal varnish?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Yes, sir.**_

 _ **Frank Shirley: I've got to give a speech to a trade group. I'd like to mention it. Write a brief summary and have it to me by the end of the day.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: My pleasure.**_

 _ **Frank Shirley: Layman's terms. None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Yes, sir.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) And here we have one of my favorite lines in the movie.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.**_

"That's what I wrote down on the Christmas card that I sent to Taylor's parents last Christmas." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Mike: (Opening the Christmas card from Sean and Taylor) Hey, Katherine. We got a Christmas card from Sean and Taylor.**

 **Katherine: What does it say, Mike?**

 **(Mike puts his glasses on and reads what it said on the Christmas card)**

 **Mike: What the? That son of a bitch! That little mother…!**

 **(Mike picks up his phone to call his future son-in-law)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) And now, we partake in what everybody does in the holiday season, Christmas shopping as Clark look for something for Ellen when an attractive saleswoman…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Helloooooooooooo Nurse!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating and clears his throat) Right. An attractive saleswoman, played by Nicolette Scorsese, approaches him. And just like the Girl in the Red Ferrari in** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **, he turns into a babbling idiot and makes a fool of himself.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I was just smelling - - Smiling. I was just blouse – Browsing.**_

 _ **Mary (Played by Nicolette Scorsese) For your wife or your girlfriend?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: What? What happened?/ I guess it wouldn't be any- - Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter- - Hotter than they are.**_

"Remind me to go look for some lingerie for Cheryl so an attractive saleswoman approach me." Brian said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: 'Tis the season to be merry.**_

 _ **Mary: Well, that's my name.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: No shit.**_

 **(Rusty is walking around the store looking for his dad until he sees him talking to Mary the saleswoman, who's showing him some lingerie)**

 _ **Mary: These are cut really high on the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar. See? You can't see the line.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: You can't see the line, can you, Russ?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: No.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: No.**_

 **(He looks in shock, turning to see Rusty standing next to him)**

"Uh, Russ. Don't mention this to your mother. How about I take you to IHOB and get you a burger and fries from there. They have unlimited fries! Wouldn't you like that? It'll be our little secret." Sean said, imitating Clark Griswold.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **episode** _ **The Engagement Reaction**_ **plays)**

 _ **Leonard Hofstadter: I'm the king of foreplay.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After some Christmas shopping, its time for the Griswolds to relax in their home before dealing with the horror what is about to come up soon.**

 **(The doorbell rings. As the sound of the doorbell ringing slowing down, marking the arrival of the in-laws)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Die Hard 2**_ **plays)**

 _ **Officer Al Powell (Played by Reginald VelJohnson): The old in-laws, huh?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And that's the horror of having a good-old fashioned family Christmas, the arrival of the in-laws.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.**_

 **(Clark's parents and Ellen's parents smile at them)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We're introduced to Clark and Ellen's parents: Clark Sr., played by the late John Randolph, who played George's father Frank Costanza in the Seinfeld season four episode** _ **The Handicap Spot**_ **, Nora played by Laura Dern's mother Diane Ladd from David Lynch's** _ **Wild at Heart**_ **, Art played by the late E.G. Marshall from Oliver Stone's** _ **Nixon**_ **,** _ **My Chauffer**_ **and** _ **Superman II**_ **, and Francis played by the late Doris Roberts from** _ **Remington Steele**_ **and** _ **Everybody Loves Raymond**_ **.**

"I get along better with Cheryl's brother than with her parents." Brian said.

 **(With the family getting together and talking to each other)**

 _ **Francis (Played by the late Doris Roberts): Listen, Doesn't Nora look old?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: You promised. You promised. You promised.**_

 _ **Art (Played by the late E.G. Marshall): You know they took a pint of fluid out of my lower back.**_

 _ **Nora (Played by Diane Ladd): Do you see this mole? This mole on my neck?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Nora: Do you think it's changing color?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: No. Well you keep touching it, it's getting redder.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And don't miss this part when Ellen's mother says this line.**

 _ **Francis: I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, mother.**_

 _ **Francis: Isn't that terrible.**_

"That's Beverly D'Angelo trying her best not to burst out laughing. After watching that scene and hitting the pause button to slow it down, you can see Beverly trying not to laugh." Sean said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: This is what Christmas is all about.**_

 **Brian: (After dealing with the in-laws arriving, it's time to decorate the house as Clark attempts to cover the exterior of the house with 25,000 twinkle lights so he could have the best-looking house in town.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: You think you might be overdoing it, dad?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Russ, when was the last time I overdid anything?**_

"Well, let's see. There's the trip to Walley World and the European vacation. You're forgetting about those two, buddy boy." Sean said. "And putting up about 25,000 lights on your house is definitely overdoing it."

 _ **Margo Chester: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.**_

 _ **Todd Chester: I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck.**_

 **Brian: (V/O as Todd Chester) Or blow something up.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Clark attempts to put the Christmas lights up on the house while trying not to get himself killed and causing some damage, Audrey freaks out about the sleeping arrangements.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is, mom?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: I have nightmares about what he does alone in his bed when I'm not lying right next to him.**_

"Does that mean dreaming about a sexy hot blonde who's lives across the hall from him who became his girlfriend and married him later?" Brian asked as a season four promotional photo of The Big Bang Theory with Leonard and Penny pops up.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And now it's time for the annual lighting of the Griswold house as Clark, his family and their parents stand outside to see Clark successfully turning on the Christmas lights.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Two hundred and fifty strands of light, 100 individual bulbs per strand for a grand total of 25, 000 imported Italian twinkle lights.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Fire it up, dad!**_

"Drum roll, please." Sean said as him and Brian make a drum roll sound.

 **(Clark's family and their parents make a drum roll sound and Clark as well)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Singing) Joy to the world!**_

 **(Clark plugs in the lights, unsuccessfully turning on the lights)**

"You're a phony! Hey, this guy's a great big phony!" Brian exclaimed.

 **(Francis laughs and burps)**

 _ **Art: Beautiful, Clark.**_

 _ **Francis: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.**_

"Boy, Ellen's parents are complete assholes. That's my biggest complaint about the movie. Ellen's parents can be so cruel to Clark. I mean, he worked his heart out to put the lights on the house. Not to mention almost killing himself and causing some property damage but be nice to the poor guy." Sean said.

"In-laws, right?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark stays up all night to check each bulb to see what went wrong while the family is sleeping peacefully, unlike some people.**

 **(Art is sleeping on the top bunk, with a smile on his face, looking at a poster of a bikini-clad woman)**

"Okay, can you imagine if he was looking at a poster of Penny from The Big Bang Theory hanging up on the ceiling?" Brian asked.

 **(The scene plays but with Art looking at a poster of Penny from The Big Bang Theory hanging on the ceiling)**

Sean shudders in disgust while Brian tries not to throw up.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The next morning, while the family is away to go out for lunch and do some shopping, Clark heads to the attic to hide the presents then gets trapped in the attic.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say, I love this scene because it shows some of the finest physical comedy gags ever.**

 **(We see Clark bashing his head on the boards every time he turns around)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) While he's inside the attic, we see Clark partaking in watching some old home movies of Clark's family Christmas from when he was a child.**

 **(Clark is watching an old home movie from when he was a kid back in 1955 and gets teary eyed. Ellen and the family returns and enters the house as Ellen heads to the attic to put the Christmas gifts up, pulling the attic stairs down as Clark falls down)**

"Ouch. That holiday cheer must be painful for Clark." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Later) Clark is outside working on the lights some more while Ellen joins him and to check up on Sparky to make sure he doesn't electrocute himself like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor from** _ **Home Improvement**_ **.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Is it plugged in?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Honey, do you honestly think I would check thousands of tiny little lights if I wasn't sure if the extension cord wasn't plugged in?**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: You used more than one cord, didn't you?**_

"Geez, she sound like Taylor every time I put the lights up on the house." Sean said as the short-haired blonde entered the office.

"I just want to make sure that you don't kill yourself. Remember back in 2016 when I drove to the emergency room?" Taylor asked.

"Oy, you mess up one decade and you'll never let me forget it." Sean said as Brian laughs.

"I hope you don't set the roof on fire like last year." Taylor said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Clark checks the cords to the lights to see if their plugged in alright, as we cut Clark's garage as she flicks on the switch to turn the light on and lo and behold.**

 **(We see that the Christmas lights on the Griswold house are turned on, blinding Todd and Margo)**

Sean and Brian are both seen wearing sunglasses to protect their eyes to make sure that they don't go blind.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Boy, this is going to be one huge power bill, causing all the power in the neighborhood and throughout Chicago to go out and they have someone to turn on the auxiliary power to power up the whole neighborhood.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Clark's mom turns off the lights as Ellen enters the house while Clark messes with the plug some more. Ellen flicks on the light in the garage and the lights come back on again.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Ellen, I fixed it!**_

 **(The whole family comes outside to check it out as Ellen turns the lights off, next we see Clark freaking out)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: What the hell? What is wrong with this? Damn it! Damn it!**_

 **(Clark starts kicking the Christmas decorations)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: You goddamn light!**_

 **(Clark punches the Santa decoration on the yard)**

"Dude, calm down! It's just lights." Sean said.

"Can somebody give this man a Tylenol?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Ellen realizes that the only to turn on the lights on the house is by flicking the little light switch again and…**

 **(The song** _ **Hallelujah**_ **plays while Clark sees his lights coming on)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Dad, it's beautiful!**_

"What if a plane lands on their yard mistaking it as an airport runway?" Sean asked. "It'll be a hell of a way to get through a winter storm."

 **Brian: (Narrating) After seeing his masterpiece shining brightly before him, Clark hugs his family, his parents and his in-laws sheer happiness, that is until an unexpected visitor arrives.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): The house sure does look swell, Clark.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit. Dear Catherine. Eddie?**_

"Wait a minute, where the hell did Eddie come from? Was he just parked in front of the house while watching Clark having a meltdown about the lights?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. Cousin Eddie, played by Randy Quaid before he went nutty, is back. Along with his wife Catherine, played by Miriam Flynn. And they brought their two children with them Vicki and Dale…**

 **(Sean sees two little kids running out of the R.V. along with a dog)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, that's not Vicki and Dale. Unless they growed down like Rusty and Audrey. Actually, those two kids are not Vicki and Dale, they're Rocky and Ruby Sue. The most hillbilly names ever in the world.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rocky is played by Cody Burger from Disney's** _ **Heavyweights**_ **with Ben Stiller. And you might recognize little Ruby Sue. If you don't recognize Ruby Sue, then maybe this clip will refresh your memory.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Fatal Attraction**_ **plays)**

 _ **Ellen Gallagher (Played by Ellen Hamilton Latzen): Mommy!**_

 _ **Dan Gallagher (Played by Michael Douglas): What?**_

 **(Beth sees Ellen's bunny rabbit in the pot of boiling water and screams)**

 _ **Ellen Gallagher: Bunny's gone!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right. That's Ellen Hamilton Latzen, who you might recognize her as Michael Douglas and Anne Archer's daughter in** _ **Fatal Attraction**_ **. She plays Ruby Sue.**

 _ **Francis: Oh, my gosh. Her eyes aren't crossed anymore.**_

 _ **Cousin Eddie: That's something, ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal.**_

We then cut to Sean and Brian with a confused look on their faces.

"How the fuck is that even possible?" Brian asked.

 _ **Cousin Eddie: I don't know.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, after Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine arrive with their kids and Snots the dog unannounced, Eddie tells Clark about what's going on in life, with the older kids and him buying the RV from a friend of his after giving his home to him. Yeah, right. And the next day is December 18** **th** **as Clark delivers a gift to his boss and doesn't ask him about his raise.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then after that, Clark takes his kids, Cousin Eddie and his kids sledding as he tries out his new silicon-based kitchen lubricant to make his sled more slippery. Uh, is that not safe?**

 **** _ **Rusty Griswold: Has anyone ever used it on a sled?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Not that I know of, Russ.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **episode** _ **The Middle-Earth Paradigm**_ **plays)**

 _ **Penny (Played by Kaley Cuoco): Why can't all guys be like you?**_

 _ **Leonard Hofstadter: Because if all guys were like me the human race couldn't survive.**_

"Oh, this sounds safe….NOT!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Do you think that the children would want to kill themselves with that stuff on their sleds? Do you think that Cousin Eddie is dumb enough to try something out, I mean the poor guy has a metal plate in his head. Dude, you're about to turn into the** _ **World's Dumbest Thrillseeker**_ **in 3…2…1.**

 **(Clark sleds down the hill in lighting-fast speed)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (Yells) Oh, shit!**_

"And he's off!" Sean said in his race announcer voice.

 **Brian: (V/O as Clark while sledding) I am out of control!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Boy, he's going so fast, God forbid he ends up passing by somewhere.**

Sean and Brian are just sitting behind the desk as Clark Griswold crashes through his wall and sleds through Sean's house.

"What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed. "That clumsy idiot put a hole through my wall! That's it, I hope something bad happens to him!"

 **(Clark crashes into Santa's mailbox)**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Bingo.**_

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Clark is seen stuck in the mailbox as things start falling out)**

 **Brian: (As Clark) Ooh, coupons!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The next day is December 21** **st** **, and with only four days left till Christmas Clark begins to worry about his Christmas bonus.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Bill, did you get your bonus yet?**_

 _ **Bill (Played by Sam McMurray): I just talked to my son. Um, company messenger brought something to the house. I guess that's it. Nothing like waiting till the last minute, huh? Did you get yours? Well, if it isn't at the house, I'm sure it's on its way.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: If I don't get that bonus, I'm in it up to here.**_

 _ **Bill: Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Same to you.**_

"Wait a minute, how come Supervisor O'Boyle from The King of Queens got his Christmas bonus before Chevy Chase? He's not that special. The dude was known for getting his ass beat by Nicolas Cage in Raising Arizona." Sean said. "And guest starring in a couple of episodes of The Fosters, voicing characters in Hey Arnold! and The Simpsons and starring in The Tracey Ullman Show with Simpson stars Dan Castellaneta and Julie Kavner. And what does Chevy Chase have?"

 **(Posters of** _ **Nothing But Trouble, Caddyshack II, Fletch Lives, Cops and Robbersons, Vegas Vacation, Snow Day, Law & Order**_ **and** _ **The Chevy Chase Show**_ **pop up)**

"Oh, Christ. Okay, Fletch Lives was a better sequel than Caddyshack II. I definitely enjoyed that movie." Sean said.

"Oh, he was in Law and Order in an episode that parodied that whole Mel Gibson thing. Not bad, but dude stick to comedy." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark has a fantasy about what it would be like to have a pool in his backyard.**

 **(Clark has a fantasy about having a pool in the backyard with his family in it as Bing Crosby's** _ **Mele Kalikimaka**_ **plays. Clark then sees Cousin Eddie appearing in the fantasy)**

"Oh, Jesus." Brian said.

"Can somebody get this fucking looney out of this fantasy? He's ruining it!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A beautiful woman wearing a red swimsuit appears in the fantasy)**

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both said.

 **(Clark becomes tantalized by the hot pool girl in the fantasy as she starts stripping out of her swimsuit)**

"I love you." Brian said to the pool girl.

 **(The pool girl kicks off her swimsuit)**

The pool girl's swimsuit lands on Sean's desk as Sean and Brian both look down at it and look up at each other as they start fighting over it and beating each other up with it.

 _ **Ruby Sue (Played by Ellen Hamilton Latzen): Santy Claus!**_

 **(Clark gasps)**

 _ **Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus.**_

Sean and Brian stop fighting as Sean grabs the pool girl's red swimsuit.

"I got it! Where the hell's the girl?" Sean asked.

"Alright, that's it!" Brian yelled out in his Pesto voice before beating up Sean in an Animaniacs-style Goodfeathers fight.

"Hey, come on! I saw it first!" Sean yelled.

"You want a red swimsuit? Here! Here's your red swimsuit!" Brian yelled out while beating up Sean.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Ruby Sue talks to her Uncle Clark about Santa Claus and she's worried that Santa Claus won't be getting her and Rocky any gifts and Clark tries to cheer her up that Santa will bring her and her family something.**

 _ **Ruby Sue: Sometimes I think all that Santa crap is just bull. If he was so real, how come we didn't get squat last year? We didn't do nothing wrong and we still got the shaft.**_

"Maybe because Santa found out that a psychotic Glenn Close boiled your bunny rabbit." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark lifts up Ruby Sue's spirits by telling her that Santa Claus is real and in the next couple of days he'll prove it to her and that he's seen him. Try not to get her hopes up, pal. The next day, Clark is about to enjoy a nice breakfast but instead he comes down to see his family bickering around the dining room table. Well, nothing can ruin his morning, except if you're Randy Quaid.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: (While emptying out his RV toilet in the storm sewer) Shitter was full!**_

"Hey, that's Randy Quaid's career in a nutshell." Sean laughs.

"Nice thing to see while having your morning coffee." Brian said.

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.**_

 **(Todd runs back inside)**

"Good idea, run." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Ellen tells Clark that she's worried that Catherine and Eddie don't have any presents for their kids, so Clark talks to Eddie and Eddie reveals to Clark that he didn't buy the RV from a friend and that the RV's his because he sold his house, the barn. So, Clark decides to give Eddie and his family a nice Christmas. What a saint. So then, December 24** **th** **comes.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Griswold house. Not a creature was stirring…not even a Rottweiler. Clark and Rusty arrive at the house with Uncle Lewis, played by the late William Hickey from** _ **Prizzi's Honor**_ **and as the voice of Dr. Finklestein in Tim Burton's** _ **The Nightmare Before Christmas.**_ **And Aunt Bethany played by the late Mae Questel, who's known for voicing Betty Boop and Olive Oyl in** _ **Popeye**_ **and in the same year before she appeared in** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **, she played Woody Allen's possessive mother in the third segment of the movie** _ **New York Stories**_ **.**

 _ **Aunt Bethany (Played by the late Mae Questel): Oh, that was fun. I love riding in cars. When did you move to Florida?**_

 **(Uncle Lewis takes off his hat and his toupee at the same time, revealing his bald head)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Wow, when did William Hickey afford to put a dead ferret on his head?**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We find out that Bethany is a bit, well…**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know you shouldn't have done that.**_

 _ **Aunt Bethany: Oh, dear. Did I break wind?**_

 _ **Uncle Lewis (Played by the late William Hickey): Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, no. She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.**_

 **(We see that Aunt Bethany wrapped up her cat after Clark shakes the box and heard the cat meowing)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: She wrapped up her damn cat.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Why would somebody wrap up a cat in a box?**_

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur." Sean said.

"Wow, a cat for a Christmas gift." Brian said, sipping his can of Coke.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the family all here, it's time for the perfect Christmas dinner with everybody gathered together. But first, it's time for Aunt Bethany to say grace.**

 _ **Aunt Bethany: What dear?**_

 _ **Nora: Grace!**_

 _ **Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away 30 years ago.**_

 _ **Uncle Lewis: They want you to say grace.**_

 **(Aunt Bethany shakes her head)**

 _ **Uncle Lewis: The blessing.**_

 _ **Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.**_

"Uh, I'd rather gone for "God is great, God is good and we thank you for our food. Amen." But this, oh brother. I know she's old but…wow." Sean said.

"Well, let's hope that the dinner goes well." Brian said.

 **(As Clark prepares to carve the turkey, the turkey explodes)**

 _ **Cousin Catherine (Played by Miriam Flynn): (Cries) Sorry.**_

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Why are you crying?**_

 _ **Cousin Catherine: I told you we put it in too early.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: It looks good to me.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Here's the heart.**_

"Jesus, Catherine. You should've basted the turkey. That way your turkey should stay moist and juicy. Haven't you learned from cooking shows?" Brian said. "And don't get me wrong, I love turkey but I prefer a nice cut of beef roast."

 **Brian: (Narrating) With everyone enjoying their Christmas dinner, Aunt Bethany's cat messes with the lights on the tree. Clark sees that the lights were off, he plugs in the lights and….**

 **(The cat gets electrocuted)**

"And that's the second time an animal gets killed by Clark Griswold. Geez, movie. You're making Clark a hater of animals. Guess he's seen the movie Felidae." Brian said.

 **(Clark and Eddie move the chair and see the fried cat)**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all.**_

 **(Cousin Eddie laughs)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Goldfinger**_ **plays)**

 _ **James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking. Positively shocking.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) With a fried cat and a Christmas dinner gone wrong, nothing can possibly go…**

 **(Uncle Lewis lights a cigar and sets the tree on fire as Clark walks in and sees the aftermath)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Lewis? My tree.**_

 _ **Uncle Lewis: So, what's the matter with you?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Look what you've done to my tree!**_

"Damn it, old man! If the emphysema and bronchitis don't take your life later on in '97, then I will! Tim Burton and Henry Selick won't put you in The Nightmare Before Christmas. You won't be able to star in Mouse Hunt!" Sean exclaimed as he imitates Clark Griswold.

"Crazy old fool!" Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Poor Clark. With a disastrous Christmas dinner, a fried cat and his ferret-wearing uncle torching the Christmas tree, this guy needs a break. Which reminds me, where the hell is his Christmas bonus? He was supposed to be getting his Christmas bonus! Is his boss trying to screw with him?**

 _ **Delivery Boy (Played by Keith MacKechnie): I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday but it fell in between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.**_

 **(He hands Clark his mail)**

 **** _ **Delivery Boy: Merry Christmas.**_

 **(Clark closes his door)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Merry Christmas.**_

"You're in luck. It could be his Christmas bonus after what he's been through, this guy deserves it. So, did he get his bonus?" Sean asked.

 _ **Clark Griswold: (After opening the envelope) It's a one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, God.**_

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.**_

"Huh?" Brian asked.

"A one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club? What kind of bullshit is this?! What kind of boss is he?! I'll tell you what he is, he's an asshole!" Sean yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Back to the Future Part III**_ **plays)**

 _ **Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole!**_

"What a fucking Scrooge!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This doesn't go well for Clark as he has a few choice words to say to his boss in one of the funniest rants ever.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I wanna look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Oh, and to top it all off, Clark goes insane and wields a chainsaw.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Turn that thing off and get in the house!**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: I'll talk to him, mom.**_

 **(John Cena pops up from the background)**

 _ **John Cena: Are you sure about that?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: You know, dad. I've been thinking.**_

 **(A crazed Clark looks at Rusty and stays silent)**

"Yo, Rusty. If you want to live to see Penny naked for the rest of your life, leave that man alone." Sean said.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Good talk, dad.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark cuts down a tree in his yard and breaks Todd and Margo's window. Then just when things begin to calm down, a squirrel is loose around the house as everybody panics in the most hilarious scene and to top it off Cousin Eddie's dog Snots starts chasing the squirrel around the house and destroys everything.**

 **(We see Snots chasing the squirrel around the house and destroying everything)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) While all this is going on, Todd and Margo have enough of Clark's antics as Margo walks up to the door to give Clark a piece of his mind, but instead the squirrel jumps at her and Snots attacks her and then a pissed off Margo gives Todd a piece of her mind.**

 _ **Todd Chester: Oh, my God! What happened to you?**_

 **(Margo slugs Todd in the face)**

"I guess Todd wasn't spongeworthy." Sean said, referencing the _Seinfeld_ season seven episode _The Sponge_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the house in shambles and the night ruined, it's time for everyone to go home but instead Clark becomes his looney, obsessed self when he wants everyone to stay.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.**_

"Dude, watch the potty mouth here! You just said the queen mother of dirty words! Who do you think you are Ralphie from _A Christmas Story_? This is a PG-film. A family picture. Well, it's PG-13 but still watch the language, mister! This ain't Springer! This is the Mayhem Critic, we're very classy around here." Sean said.

 **(We get a montage of Sean cursing on his reviews)**

"You were saying?" Brian asked as Sean glares at him.

"Shut the fuck up, Brian." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) While Clark is trying to calm down from his meltdown, his father tries to give him some words of wisdom.**

 _ **Clark Sr. (Played by the late John Randolph): You losing your temper with the whole family only makes things worse and you're too good a father to act like this. In years to come, you'll want your children and your family to remember all the love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Well, I just…**_

 _ **Clark Sr.: You just cocked it up. Oh, it's okay. It happens.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Our holidays were always such a mess.**_

 _ **Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.**_

"So, I guess they're family vacations were also a mess as well? Guess it runs in the family." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that father-son chat, it's time for Clark to recite The Night Before Christmas, until Cousin Eddie gives him and early Christmas gift.**

 **(Cousin Eddie enters the house with Clark's boss)**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Clark. You about ready to do some kissing?**_

"He kidnapped his boss?! How the hell did he have time to conduct a kidnapping?" Sean asked.

"You know for a guy who's not that bright like Trip Windsor from American Housewife, the man is a genius." Brian said.

"Agreed." Sean said.

 _ **Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.**_

"Uh, no it wasn't. From what I recall in _Vacation '83_ , your family kidnapped security guard John Candy while your husband was holding him at gunpoint with a BB gun and you took him on the rides with you. Technically, this is your family's second kidnapping." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Mr. Shirley becomes furious at Clark fires him as Clark confronts him about cancelling Christmas bonuses. Then everyone in the family supports Clark against his boss. And his father-in-law, his own father-in-law is the first to stand up and support him. The same guy who complains a lot and makes fun of him. This is a big emotional moment and with a change of heart, Mr. Shirley does this.**

 _ **Frank Shirley: So, Carl. Whatever you got last year add 20 percent.**_

 **(Everyone gasps as Clark faints)**

"IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Shirley's wife, Helen, played by Natalia Nogulich, calls the police as Chicago P.D. arrive and a SWAT team storms the house!**

"Sound like a regular Archer family Christmas." Sean said. "Oh, and that's the second time that a SWAT team tries to arrest the Griswolds."

 **Sean: (V/O) Boy, a lot of stuff is happening. And there is something that I noticed when I watched the DVD that Cousin Catherine is trying to block her husband like a human shield and Ellen is protecting Clark's balls.**

 **Brian: (V/O) I guess she's seen** _ **RoboCop**_ **and don't want that most important part of Clark's shot off.**

"Oh, yeah. Real family Christmas." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) As the cops try to arrest the family, Mr. Shirley decides not to press charges and explains the situation as his wife and the authorities scold him for scrapping Christmas bonuses and he decides to reinstate them. But what do Rocky and Ruby Sue's wandering eyes spot.**

 _ **Ruby Sue: It's Santa Claus.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: No, it's the Christmas star. And that's all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me.**_

 _ **Uncle Lewis: (While lighting his cigar) That ain't the frigging Christmas star, Gris. It's a light on the sewage treatment plant.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Sewer gas.**_

 **(Clark sees Uncle Lewis about to drop the match)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Don't drop that!**_

 **(The spark from the match triggers the explosion)**

"Damn! Uncle Lewis lived. He'll live to see another Christmas." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aunt Bethany stats singing The Star-Spangled Banner and the whole family and SWAT team joining in while gazing at Clark's Santa Claus and reindeer lawn ornament set on fire and flying into the distance. So, the family celebrate Christmas in the house with the SWAT team joining them as Clark and Ellen share a Christmas kiss. From the night almost turning into a complete disaster, it wasn't that perfect but it was the best family Christmas ever.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I did it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The End.**

"And that was _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_. We love it." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **start playing)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Since it's release in 1989, the movie has been labeled as a modern Christmas classic and the movie gained a cult following. It is considered one of the best Christmas movies ever.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What I like about this movie was that John Hughes-charm, kinda like** _ **Home Alone**_ **, which was released a year later after this movie's release. With it's hilarious script and funny dialogue with a talented cast of characters filled with big named stars who went on to do other shows and movies. The biggest praise I give the film would be John Hughes' writing and the acting and humor as well. They tend to show this movie every year during the holiday season and they show it every time on Freeform, like every single day. I know it's a good movie but no need to keep showing it everyday.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) This is considered to be the best out of the Vacation film series. The perfect Christmas movie to watch with memorable line and catchy theme song with a lot of humor and a talented cast of characters.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you haven't seen** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **, then go check it out. Yule won't be disappointed. That's why** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is getting 5 torched Christmas trees out of 5.**

"Well, after this movie's release and how popular it is, there's no way that they could ruin it with a made-for-TV sequel where they have one of the characters from the series and…." Sean said.

 **(A poster of** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **is shown)**

Sean stays silent for a bit as Brian looks at him for a bit.

"Good luck." Brian said as he leaves Sean's office.

"Oh, dear. I'm going to need some alcohol to get through this movie. And I'm not looking forward to it." Sean said. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and this is gonna suck."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Hallelujah! Holy shit!**_

 **And that was the** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed reading this review of a classic Christmas movie. Tune in next time when The Summer of Vacation continues when Sean takes a look at the most unnecessary sequel to** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **,** _ **Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **. Will Sean survive this disaster of a Christmas movie? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this movie, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	27. TSOV Part 5: Christmas Vacation 2

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, so** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **continues and Christmas in July is still going as Sean gets his Christmas spirit dampened as he takes a look at the most unnecessary sequel ever made called** _ **Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **. We'll be expecting the young critic having a meltdown like Clark Griswold. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belong to their respective owners.** _ **Christmas Vacation 2**_ **is owned by Warner Bros. Television, National Lampoon Productions and Elliot Friedgen & Company.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part V: Christmas Vacation 2**

We open on Sean's house in the middle of July as we see that it is fully decorated to the brim with Christmas decorations and his cat Riley, who's lying on her cat bed wearing a little Santa hat on her head. We then see Sean the Mayhem Critic, who's wearing _A Christmas Story_ t-shirt and a "Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal!" baseball cap while holding a glass of egg nog in his hand. The young critic is filled with holiday cheer as _The Christmas Song_ begins to play. Nothing can possibly ruin his Christmas spirit.

"Chestnuts…oh, fuck this shit!" Sean exclaimed after he stops singing and throws his glass of egg nog down on the floor.

Today was going to be a bad day for the Mayhem Critic.

Sean is then seen sitting on his red couch in the living room instead of sitting in his office like usual, this time he was changing the setting of his reviews, as he prepares to talk about today's film. With a disgruntled look on his face, he wasn't looking forward to review this movie.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic…you know what I do. And seeing though as we're continuing…." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch and walks over to the window before speaking in a deep voice. "THE SUMMER OF VACATION!"

"Shut up, you asshole!" A disgruntled neighbor yelled out as he throws his blue raspberry sno-cone at Sean, but instead it misses the young critic and hits his house.

"Boy, what is going on with this year? We had an iconic summit meeting between President Trump and Kim Jong Un, the Grim Reaper hit Hollywood by taking the lives of Anthony Bourdain, Jackson Odell, Margot Kidder, Jerry Van Dyke, David Ogden Stiers, Harry Anderson, Steven Bochco, Chuck McCann, Milos Foreman, R. Lee Ermey, Pamela Gidley and John Mahoney. And to top it all off, there's a volcano in Hawaii and then there's idiot Trump's immigration policy. Ugh!" Sean sighed in disgust. "But you want to know what I did? I managed to ruin my favorite holiday."

 **(Posters of classic Christmas movies and their sequels are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know, I have seen some bad sequels to good Christmas movies in my time. I haven't seen** _ **Jingle All the Way 2**_ **and I steered clear from it. And I should've learned my lesson with** _ **A Christmas Story 2**_ **. And I'm perfectly glad that nobody made a sequel to** _ **Mixed Nuts**_ **, this classic guilty pleasure of mine does not deserve a shitty sequel.**

"So, yeah. I'm not looking forward to today's review. It's something that I've seen and I've stayed away from it. Plus, I knew about this movie and I knew that the time will come for me to talk about it. _Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure_. Oh, yeah. It actually exists." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) God, I can't believe that they made this pile of shit. Christmas Vacation 2 is a spin-off and the unnecessary sequel to** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **. An unnecessary sequel that we've never asked for. The movie was a made-for-television comedy film that aired on NBC on December 20, 2003 and I was only 11 years old at the time. And I don't blame you if you haven't seen or heard of this movie, it was only aired one time on NBC and was shat out on DVD. This is the film that drained my Christmas in July spirit and I fear that I won't be festively jolly ever again!**

"Christ, these reviews are hazardous to my health. I'm lucky that I didn't get a heart attack from reviewing bad movies or checking myself into the nuthouse. Originally, the film was titled Swiss Family Griswold starring Clark and his family with them stuck on an island. Hell, you can't even put Chevy Chase in that movie." Sean said as posters of _Caddyshack II, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, The Chevy Chase Show, Cops and Robbersons, Nothing But Trouble, Modern Problems, Oh, Heavenly Dog, Snow Day_ and _Karate Dog_ are shown. "So, I guess _Caddyshack II, Nothing But Trouble, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, The Chevy Chase Show, Cops and Robbersons, Modern Problems, Oh Heavenly Dog, Snow Day_ and _Karate Dog_ were good enough for Chevy Chase but not this one. Goddamn!"

 **(A photo of Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, they got Randy Quaid since he needed the money and just like that it became a Cousin Eddie movie and they made it a sequel to** _ **Christmas Vacation**_ **!**

 **(Footage from** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **was one of the best Christmas comedies ever. With a great talented cast, gut-busting comedy and John Hughes' writing. It was a classic modern Christmas tale.**

"I want you to take a moment to look back at that memorable movie and hold it near and dear to your heartstrings because it's all going downhill from here. Santa is going to see this jolliest asshole this side of the nuthouse when he squeezes his fat, white ass down that chimney tonight. Well, get ready because the shitter is definitely full!" Sean yelled out in rage. "Let's get this fucking review started."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our tale opens with a generic-ass opening. If you're expecting Mavis Staples singing and Bill Kroyer's animated opening with John Hughes' writing. Then no, we get shots of houses and a default font for the opening credits with the color yellow. Yeah, 'cause when I think of Christmas, I think of yellow as in a sno-cone made from piss. We then see a boy and girl walking home from school and we're introduced to Eddie and Catherine's never-before-mentioned son Third, who's played by Jake Thomas from Disney Channel's** _ **Lizzie McGuire**_ **.**

 _ **Paige (Played by Kate Bradley): And how come they call you Third?**_

 _ **Third Johnson (Played by Jake Thomas): I was named after my mom's cousin's husband, Clark Griswold II. I'm the third Clark Griswold. Clark Griswold Johnson.**_

"Okay. Thank you for that little background on your life." Sean said.

 _ **Paige: Do you have any brothers or sisters?**_

 _ **Third Johnson: Yes. They're with my grandma in Kansas.**_

"We got it, kid. We know about your brothers and sisters. May I continue?" Sean asked.

 _ **Third Johnson: Except for my uncle's sister.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Shut up.**

 _ **Third Johnson: …She works at a strip club in Las Vegas.**_

 _ **Paige: Where do you live?**_

 _ **Third Johnson: Well, my mom and dad and I are staying with my cousin Audrey Griswold. She's visiting her boyfriend in Indianapolis.**_

"SHUT UP! Oh, my God! Do I need to hear a fucking backstory on the Griswold family tree?!" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And before I forget, Third is the intelligent son in the family. We then see Cousin Eddie, once again played by your favorite whacko Randy Quaid. Cousin Eddie is working at a nuclear facility and he's working as a test subject alongside a monkey, under the watch of his boss Professor Doornitz, played by Fred Willard.**

"Let me guess, is Eddie going to be friends with the monkey and share a beer with it?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, they start playing tic tac toe and the monkey beats him because well, Eddie's a dumbass.**

 _ **Lab Visitor (Played by Rodger Bumpass): How is this possible?**_

 _ **Professor Doornitz (Played by Fred Willard): Because the monkey is smarter.**_

 **(The movie's title is shown)**

"That was dumb. And what the hell is up with that title screen? It's like it was done on Windows Movie Maker!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that terrible excuse of a title screen, Professor Doornitz talks to Eddie to give him some bad news.**

 _ **Professor Doornitz: One of you has to go.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson (Played by Randy Quaid): Oh. Gee Roy, that's a tough break.**_

 _ **Professor Doornitz: It's not Roy we're letting go, Eddie. It's you.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: But why don't you fire him?**_

 _ **Professor Doornitz: His brain waves registered more distinctively than yours.**_

 **(He shows Eddie the results)**

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Which one's mine?**_

 _ **Professor Doornitz: The one labeled Eddie.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Oh.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. The man smart enough to orchestrate a kidnapping is now reduced to being an idiot. After Eddie lost his job, he goes home to sulk and break the news to…**

 **(Sees that the movie was written by Matty Simmons)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the hell?!**

A shocked look appeared on Sean's face after finding out that Matty Simmons was the writer for this movie.

"Matty Simmons? Matty Simmons wrote the script for the movie. The same Matty Simmons who was the executive producer for the _Vacation_ film series and _Animal House_. Excuse me." Sean said as he picks up a bottle of Strongbow hard cider. "I'm definitely gonna need alcohol to get through this review."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Where was I? Oh, yeah. After losing his job, Eddie talks to his wife Catherine, once again played by Miriam Flynn and he becomes worried what this job loss will mean for him and his family.**

 _ **Catherine Johnson (Played by Miriam Flynn): At least we still got a roof over our heads, hon.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Yeah, but for how long? I'm bettin' a year or two Audrey will get sick of us livin' here, feedin' us.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Learning how to grow that sweet homegrown. Then, Eddie has a bright idea and then we get this running joke throughout the film when the plumbing explodes while Eddie tries to take a bath.**

"Deal with that unfunny joke, folks. Because this goes on for three minutes with the only joke being water everywhere." Sean said before slapping his head in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Eddie goes back to the nuclear facility to talk to his former boss about getting his job back because we couldn't get enough of Fred Willard and a monkey and we finally get the movie's plot started with one of the most stupidest plot devices I have ever seen in my entire life.**

 **(Roy the chimpanzee bites Eddie on his butt as Eddie screams)**

 _ **Hospital Doctor (Played by the late Stephen Furst): He'll be fine. You pumped so much atomic waste into him, the area where the chimp bit him healed almost immediately.**_

"What the? Stephen Furst? Damn it, I won't be able to live with the fact that he died and that he was in that movie. And yes, he played Flounder in _National Lampoon's Animal House_. Thank you movie for reminding me to watch a better movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Fearing that there will be a huge lawsuit against them and that Eddie not being bright, so what do they do…**

 _ **Catherine Johnson: (Smiles) An all-expense paid Christmas vacation on an island in the South Pacific!**_

"Well, that's one way to shut Cousin Eddie up. Why couldn't Frank Shirley do that to him in the last film?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Catherine and Eddie are excited about the trip to the island on the South Pacific but Third is not to ecstatic.**

 _ **Third Johnson: This is just another disaster. Like back home when you quit being a mail-order dentist after you stapled the mayor's mouth together.**_

 _ **Catherine Johnson: Third! Your father remembers that.**_

"Boy, this movie is getting stupid. Did I mention that Eddie's an idiot?" Sean asked.

 **(A teary-eyed Audrey enters the house)**

 _ **Audrey Griswold (Played by Dana Barron): Catherine. Cousin Eddie. I'm gonna kill myself. (Cries) Merry Christmas.**_

Sean is drinking his bottle of hard cider and does a spit take. "WHAT THE HELL? Dana Barron? Was that Dana Barron returning as Audrey Griswold? No. No, no, no! Out of all the movies to break the tradition of recasting the Griswold children, why would you bring the original Audrey back? And to top it all off, they ruined her character. She's man-crazy and she wants the dick! What happened was Juliette Lewis not available? What about Marisol Nichols? Was she available? In fact, here's what happened when some guy went to Marisol's place to give her the script."

 **(A clip from the** _ **Riverdale**_ **season two episode** _ **Judgment Night**_ **is shown, showing Hermione gunning Papa Poutine's son Small Fry down multiple times)**

"Yeah. That's how Marisol Nichols from _Vegas Vacation_ reacted when she got the script." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Audrey breaks down in tears and thought about killing herself over some guy named Daniel because they both broke up. And here's the thing about Daniel.**

 _ **Catherine Johnson: But Audrey, if you were so great together, why'd you break up?**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Oh. I found out he was married.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: That'll do it.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Natural Born Killers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mallory Knox (Played by Juliette Lewis): Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!**_

"Oh, Christ. I still haven't finished my one bottle. This movie is so dumb I can't even finish drinking my bottle of Strongbow." Sean said, taking another sip from his bottle.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Eddie and Catherine invite Audrey to join them on the trip to Maluka, then we see that Snots the dog is back and the producers couldn't afford to put fake snot on the dog and then we see that the plate in Eddie's head acts like a bug zapper. Christ, this fucking movie doesn't even care. And then we're introduced to another family member by the name of Uncle Nick. He's played by…what the hell? Ed Asner?**

"Lou Grant? What's Lou Grant doing on this movie?" Sean asked as the word "Who" pops up on the screen in red and green Helvetica font. "Lou Grant. It's a character that Ed Asner played in _The Mary Tyler Moore Show_ back in the series and then he had his own show which was a serious drama. Nobody ever heard of that? Fine, Ed Wuncler from _The Boondocks_."

 **(A clip from** _ **The Boondocks**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ed Wuncler (Voiced by Ed Asner) You think ignorance is cute? Well, I suppose you think that mental retardation is downright adorable.**_

 _ **Uncle Nick (Played by Ed Asner): Can I come in?**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Uncle Nick. This is a surprise. What are you doing here?**_

 _ **Uncle Nick: (With Ed Wuncler's lines dubbed in) If you don't get that bullshit out of my face bitch!**_

"Ed, don't worry you'll be in a better Christmas movie the same year after this piece of shit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Nick came by to visit Eddie and Catherine because his wife ran off with the Christmas tree delivery man, who's 28 years old and that woman is 66.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: I didn't think grandmothers thought about sex and stuff like that.**_

 **Third Johnson: Apparently the thought entered her mind.**

"I guess Aunt Jessica was inspired by _A View to a Kill_ after seeing a 55-year-old Roger Moore shagging attractive young women who were in their 20s or 30s. Don't worry, we'll get to that movie someday." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ed Glsser, Trivial Psychic (Played by Christopher Walken): I don't know.**_

"Oh, boy. Another weird casting choice." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uncle Nick invites himself on this vacation which everyone accepts, and the next day we see that everyone is off to the airport for their Christmas vacation. Oh and the bathroom joke becomes a running gag.**

 **(We see a jet stream of water shooting out of the windows of Audrey's house with the words "See? Water Funny!" flash in red on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) They show up at the airport and Snots starts passing gas to clear the long line of people. And notice that Audrey is not reacting to the dog farting despite being inches away from the dog's butt. Remember that from later. Eddie knocks some guy into the airport baggage scanner, where we get a cameo from Eric Idle, who played The Bike Rider in** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **.**

"Yes, Eric Idle. Maybe he'll do something hilarious in this film like _European Vacation_. Come on, Eric. Don't disappoint me." Sean said.

 _ **Eddie Johnson: I'm sorry, I didn't even see you.**_

 _ **English Victim (Played by Eric Idle): Oh, yeah, it's quite all right, you know, just few superficial breaks. This whole thing happens to me all the time.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: You're a foreigner, ain't you? What are you?**_

 _ **English Victim: I'm English.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Oh. Well, you sure do talk pretty.**_

 _ **English Victim: Thanks very much. Well, we did sort of invent the language.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: No hard feelings?**_

 _ **English Victim: No feelings whatsoever.**_

"Oh, God! Eric Idle's not being funny in this movie. He's a Python, he's supposed to act like one! Hell, John Cleese was acting like a Python in _The World is Not Enough_ and _A Fish Called Wanda_!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The guard scans Eddie with his metal detector, the plate in Eddie's head acts like a magnet and has the scanner stuck to his head)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, it's a metal detector. Not a fucking magnet! Couldn't you idiots get that right?! They get on the plane and their flight takes off and…**

 **(Audrey is crying while reading a book)**

 _ **Catherine Johnson: Don't cry, Audrey, it's only a book.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: I'm not crying about the book, I'm crying about Daniel. Everything reminds me of him. These peanuts. He used to love peanuts.**_

"Okay, you know what, how much money do you need?" Sean asked as he pulls out his checkbook to write a check. "How much? You need it a lot more that I do. I'll make it out to Audrey Griswold for $50,000."

 **(Eddie tries to open the bag of peanuts, but has a hard time getting the package open and ends up kicking the passenger's seat in front of him, knocking the passenger off of his seat and into another. We then see that the passenger was revealed to be the English Victim)**

"Oh, for the love of Brian Cohen and Biggus Dickus! _European Vacation_ 's running gag with Clark running into that guy was funny. But here, ugh! I just want to vomit like Mr. Creosote." Sean said. "And may God strike me down for it to be otherwise."

A bolt of lighting strikes Sean down and vaporizes him as the hand of God heads back into Heaven.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives at Maluka, where they're greeted by their guide who has a name that Eddie continues to mispronounce throughout the whole film. You know, for shits and giggles. This is Muka Laka Miki and she's played by Sung Hi Lee, who's Korean.**

 _ **Muka Laka Miki (Played by Sung Hi Lee): I'm Muka Laka Miki, Mr. Johnson. I work for the Atomic Testing Agency here on Maluka. You're our guests.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Well, nice to meet you, Muka Licka Hickey.**_

 _ **Uncle Nick: Hi, there.**_

 _ **Muka Laka Miki: Hi.**_

 _ **Uncle Nick: Nick—Nick Jugson, at your service**_

 **(Uncle Nick starts kissing Muka Laka Miki)**

 _ **Muka Laka Miki: I'll get you to your motel.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah I forgot to mention Uncle Nick's gimmick. He tends to be incredibly horny and wants to put that Viagra to the test and dear God, he trying to make a move on their guide. The next day, the family enjoys life on the island and having lunch. The lunch consists of their big Christmas dishes ribs and pineapple, oh and fired eel. Ewww. We're then introduced to another character named Melbourne Jack played by a British actor named Julian Stone and here's the joke for this character, he's Australian. And immediately, Audrey wants to ride Crocodile Dundee's big knife. Yes, I made a penis joke.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Hi, I'm Audrey Griswold. We just arrived. Love the island, fabulous place. Are you married?**_

"Cause if you're not then I would totally want to swallow your load." Sean said, imitating Audrey Griswold. "Boy, Juliette Lewis' Audrey wasn't that desperate for the d."

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Would you like to take me on a tour?**_

 _ **Melbourne Jack (Played by Julian Stone): Sure.**_

"Oh, don't worry. The reason why she wants him to take him on a tour because she wants to fuck him. God! I hate what they did with her character. Dana Hill's Audrey wasn't that boy crazy." Sean said, drinking another bottle of hard cider.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family heads out for their boat ride but when they get there they find out that the captain of the boat's wife is having a baby and he has to deliver it. Hell, I think he dropped out of the film because he knew it was horrible. So, they take his boat if they know how to run a boat.**

 _ **Muka Laka Miki: Do you know how to run a boat?**_

 _ **Uncle Nick: I've got more salt under my armpits than you ever sailed on. Leave it to me. I was in the Navy.**_

"Uh, do you think that's a good idea for Uncle Nick to run a boat? Remember the TV miniseries _Roots_? He was the captain of a boat filled with black slaves and Geordi LaForge was one of them!" Sean exclaimed as a photo of _Root_ s is shown with Ed Asner as Captain Davies and Levar Burton as Kunta Kinte.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie is letting us know that it's one hour later as Uncle Nick tries to figure out how to start the boat and the movie gives us this joke**

 **(Uncle Nick finds the key)**

 _ **Uncle Nick: Ah. The key. All right.**_

 **(Uncle Nick sticks the key in the ignition to start the boat up)**

"Oh, you bellend." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Boy, this movie tends to fuck up stuff, and speaking of fucking up here's a little gag where Eddie goes to untie the boat and gets left behind on the boat and take a look at the next shot, he's on the boat completely dry! What's the whole point?! Explain to me how the fuck did he get on the fucking boat?! Oh, and then we see Third is busy checking out Muka Laka Liki while she's in her bikini.**

 **Sean (V/O as Third while he checking out Muka Laka Liki) Ohhhh, hellloooooooo nurse!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then see Eddie going fishing and we see the second dumbest plot device ever where he catches a shark.**

 _ **Eddie: (While catching the shark) I got a big fish!**_

 **(Eddie is holding on to the fishing rod while catching the shark)**

 _ **Catherine Johnson: Careful, honey, you're all tangled.**_

"Let go of the rod. It's a shark." Sean said.

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Get a knife!**_

 _ **Third Johnson: I don't have a knife.**_

 _ **Catherine Johnson: I have scissors in my purse, Eddie!**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Get a knife!**_

"It's a shark. Just let go of the fishing rod." Sean said.

 **(Catherine reaches in her bag to find some scissors while Eddie is trying to catch the shark without letting go)**

"Let go, you fucking moron." Sean said.

 **(Catherine grabs Eddie's leg while Muka Laka Liki grabs the other)**

 **** _ **Muka Laka Liki: Hold on, Mr. Johnson!**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Call me Eddie!**_

"LET GO OF THE FUCKING SHARK! Goddamn it, how stupid are you? It's a fucking shark! Hell, _Joe Versus the Volcano_ 's fishing scene was hilarious than this stupid scene!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the line on the fishing rod breaks as Eddie cheers about almost catching the fish and the family celebrates for no reason and they crash onto some rocks.**

 _ **Uncle Nick: Man the lifeboats!**_

 _ **Muka Laka Liki: There are no lifeboats.**_

 **(Uncle Nick lies down next to Muka Laka Liki)**

 _ **Muka Laka Liki: Uncle Nick, will you please take your hand off of my breast.**_

 **(Uncle Nick looks down)**

 _ **Uncle Nick: Oh.**_

"HA HA! HA HA HA! HA! HA! You so crazy, Uncle Nick! God, my only regret is that I should've reviewed _Vegas Vacation_." Sean said.

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Is everybody okay?**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: I'm okay. But there's a horrible smell in here.**_

 **(Audrey moves the blanket off of Snots as the dog starts passing gas)**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Oh, God!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember the airport scene that I told you to remember? Oh, yeah. Audrey complains about the dog's smell here but in the airport scene she didn't even complain about the dog's smell and she didn't even react to it. The family walk on the island as the boat drifts away, leaving them stranded.**

 **Uncle Nick: Did anyone anchor the boat?**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Boondocks**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ed Wuncler (Voiced by Ed Asner): Now we can handle this like some gentlemen or we can get in to some old gangster shit.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) While settling on the island, the family and Muka Laka Liki decide to camp out for the night and the next day Eddie attempts to start a fire by rubbing sticks together and when that fails, he uses matches to start the fire. Really, couldn't you just do that? Then we see Eddie and Third attempting to hunt for food, so they split up and Third comes across a nude Muka Laka Liki who's bathing and he gets pervy.**

 _ **Third Johnson: Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my God!**_

 **(A clip from Norman Mailer's** _ **Tough Guys Don't Dance**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Tim Madden (Played by Ryan O'Neal): Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man! Oh God!**_

 _ **Third Johnson: Yes!**_

 **(Third turns and sees Uncle Nick, who was also spying on Muka Laka Liki)**

"Ewww! So cringey!" Sean whined.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Christmas only three days away, boy the producers and Matty Simmons forgot that this was a Christmas movie, so Muka Laka Liki suggest that they should have an island Christmas.**

 _ **Muka Laka Liki: Let's think of something we can all give to each other.**_

 _ **Uncle Nick: How about a full body massage?**_

Sean starts dry heaving, Lloyd Christmas-style as his mind began to imagine Uncle Nick giving Muka Laka Liki a full body massage. "No! No! No! You are not putting your wrinkly, old hands on this beautiful woman's nubile, soft skin! It ain't happening!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Eddie sets out to make the worst Far Cry sequel as he sets out to find some food until he comes across a wild boar.**

 **(Eddie sees the wild boar that's getting ready to charge at him)**

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Snots, kill. Kill!**_

 **(Snots runs away)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Snots) Fuck that, ya crazy bastard! I'm not going after a boar. I'm outta this movie. Give me my paycheck!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The boar chases Eddie and Eddie gets stuck in a tree with the boar cornering him and then he falls on it, killing it with an awkward zoom in and they have food. After that, Eddie and Third are working on the house and they have a little chat with each other.**

 _ **Third Johnson: There's something I've got to tell you.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: It's your girlfriend. Is she pregnant?**_

 _ **Third Johnson: No!/It's just that I always thought that you were kind of sort of….**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Gay?**_

 _ **Third Johnson: No.**_

We then see an angry Sean, who's sitting on the couch with his arms crossed and staying silent.

 _ **Third Johnson: Mom took care of the kids and cooked and cleaned, worked three jobs. And then, you know, the bank foreclosed on the house and the repo people took the RV.**_

 _ **Eddie Johnson: (Cries) I loved that RV. That RV!**_

"We all loved that RV. It reminds us of a better movie, one that I wish…I wish… that this movie would quit reminding us of." Sean breaks down in tears and starts singing Mavis Staples' _Christmas Vacation_. " _Hear that sleigh? Santa's on his way. Hip-hip hooray for Christmas Vacation_!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) In case you haven't forgotten, Audrey's house is still gushing water and the plumber won't make it till after Christmas! You do know that this is a fucking Christmas movie?! Back on the island, the family exchange gifts around the house that Eddie built and we see Uncle Nick dressed as Santa Claus, I would rather watch Elf. The family sings Christmas carols and Eddie christens the new house that he built while Gospel music is playing in the background. Uh, the house is gonna fall.**

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Anyway, Lord, be it ever so humble, there's no place like this here house.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) The house is gonna fall.**

 _ **Eddie Johnson: Amen.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) It's gonna fall.**

 **(Catherine swings the coconut to the house)**

 **Sean: (V/O) The house is gonna fall!**

 **(The coconut breaks after hitting the house)**

"Huh? The house didn't fall. Wow, I'm impressed. Good job, movie. That's one point for you." Sean said.

 **(Uncle Nick closes the door behind him as the house falls apart)**

"Worst. Joke. EVER!" Sean screamed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Eddie has a Tarzan-style dream. Heck, the dream doesn't make any sense so fuck it. But hallelujah, it seems like the film is coming to an end when Eddie spots a plane and we see that the plane belonged to Melbourne Jack, the Australian guy. He arrives to rescue them and then he drops this little bombshell.**

 _ **Melbourne Jack: Actually, I was flying over to check a hotel I own on the other side of the island when I saw Eddie out there on the cliff. Probably, nobody thought of looking here. Well, it's only 10 miles, you could have walked to my hotel.**_

"Right, there's a hotel on the other side of the is…excuse me? Ten miles? Ten miles? Ten fucking miles away?! Okay, look. What was the whole point of them being stranded on the island if a hotel is on the other side? That's the stupidest revelation I've ever heard in my life! I…I can't. I can't go on with this review. I quit. I got nothing else to say about it. I can't make a joke about it. Hell, RedLetterMedia couldn't do anything about this movie. I don't think the Nostalgia Critic could handle this movie. I quit. I'm done with it. Matter of fact, I'm done with The Summer of Vacation. I'm not reviewing _Vegas Vacation_ and _Vacation '15_! I fucking quit!" Sean exclaimed as he gets up from off of the couch and prepares to leave the house to go out, then decides not to give up and finish the review. "No, no, no! I'm not gonna give up! The Summer of Vacation is still gonna continue, I have two Vacation films left to review and I will not let this piece of shit movie beat me. I'm doing this _Thunder Gun Express_ -style. No hesitation. No surrender. No man left behind. Let's do this thing!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's it, time to stop fooling around and finish up. Eddie and Jack move a rock and Eddie nearly kills Jack by accident. During the plane ride, Jack passes out due to his concussion and now it's up to Eddie to fly the plane. Audrey attempts to give Melbourne Jack the kiss of life. Third confesses his love to Muka Laka Liki but she turns him down and we then learn that Muka Laka Liki is married to Daniel, the guy that Audrey was in a relationship with. Eddie successfully lands the plane. Uncle Nick's wife Jessica, played by the late Beverly Garland, comes back and is literally told to go back in the kitchen. Don't care. We learn that Melbourne Jack is married with five kids, ugh you idiots ruined Audrey! Fred Willard returns and Eddie gets a new job as a pilot along with Roy the chimpanzee and the film ends with a Christmas song!**

"Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?" Sean asked as he calms down. "And that was _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure_. This film is pure garbage."

 **(Footage from** _ **Christmas Vacation 2**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) God, this is the movie that literally ruined Christmas for me. But hey, at least you didn't watch it and suffer unlike me. And you want to know why this movie was horrible was because Matty Simmons, the producer of the previous Vacation movies, this was his first written Vacation movie and his last. I can see why. The humor is not funny, the jokes are not funny, the plot is dumb, Audrey was poorly written and ugh!**

"Do me a favor and do what I do, go back to watching _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation_ and stay as far away from _Christmas Vacation 2_. Just watch it to watch Cousin Eddie stealing the show. Randy Quaid should be ashamed of himself for doing this movie. As a matter of fact, if anyone's looking for any last minute Christmas in July gifts for me, I have one. I want you to fly down to Canada where him and his wife Evi are at and I want him brought here right now, with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, lowlife, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is!" Sean yelled. " _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2_ gets 1 coconut out of 5. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and only two Vacation films left. Thank God."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Well, nice to meet you, Muka Licka Hickey.**_

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of the horrible** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **. Boy, I had a difficult time getting through to review this movie because of how bad it is. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **. Will it be better than rest of the Vacation films? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, in September I will be reviewing one of the James Bond movies. Which one should I review? Should I review** _ **GoldenEye, A View to a Kill, Die Another Day**_ **or** _ **License to Kill**_ **? Let me know in the comments. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	28. TSOV Part 6: Vegas Vacation

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well, I have everything set up for September for which movies to review and I'll tell you about it at the end of this review. But hey, The Summer of Vacation still continues as Sean takes a look at Vegas Vacation, his least favorite sequel in the** _ **Vacation**_ **series. Well, one movie in the Vacation film series made him rage let's hope that this one doesn't make him rage as bad. I hope you enjoy the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **because this one's on the roll. Sorry for the bad pun. LOL.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story and all material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **is owned by Warner Bros. and JW Productions.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part VI: Vegas Vacation**

We see Sean the Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room with a big, goofy grin on his face as he was excited about something before starting the review.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one…" Sean said as he squeals in excitement. "And we're almost done, almost done with…."

Sean gets up from off of his couch and stands on top of it to give his Summer of Vacation introduction.

"THE SUMMER OF VACATION!" Sean said in a deep, booming voice before sitting back down on the couch. "Okay, only one film left in the _Vacation_ film series. And I have just one more movie left to review and it's the _Vacation_ reboot. And I know that I'm doing another _Vacation_ movie before the reboot. I raged over my last review of _Christmas Vacation 2_. Maybe this one will be good, you can't always judge a book by it's…"

 **(The title screen for** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **pops up)**

"D'OH! Except for this abomination!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Clips from** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes,** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **. Released on February 14, 1997.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): Valentine's Day. Bummer.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is the fourth installment in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series and it stars Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo and Randy Quaid. This is considered to be the worst in the series along with** _ **Christmas Vacation 2**_ **but hey** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **is Citizen Fucking Kane compared to** _ **Christmas Vacation 2**_ **. This is the first theatrical Vacation film not to carry the National Lampoon label and we see that it's not written by John Hughes, mostly because he was ruining the Home Alone film series with** _ **Home Alone 3**_ **. We see that the film was written by Little Black Book screenwriter Elisa Bell and Bob Ducsay, who's know for his work as an editor on films like** _ **The Mummy, Tremors II: Aftershocks, The Jungle Book '94, The Mummy Returns, Looper, Godzilla**_ **and** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **. We also see that the film was not produced by John Hughes, it's produced by the late Jerry Weintraub, who was the producer of** _ **The Karate Kid**_ **film series and the films** _ **Ocean's Eleven, Twelve**_ **and** _ **Thirteen**_ **. And the film was directed by Stephen Kessler, who's work I'm not familiar with. Also, this is the only film in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series to be rated PG.**

"You know what's funny? On the back of the DVD, it says that it's rated PG-13. Look, either be PG or PG-13. You can't have it both ways. Let's finish up The Summer of Vacation as the Griswolds take on the city that will take all of your money, this is _Vegas Vacation_. God help us." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the film opens with Clark, played by Chevy Chase, driving home while singing The Beach Boys'** _ **Good Vibrations**_ **very badly while looking at a brochure of Las Vegas and drives recklessly while trying to kill everybody. What a way to start our film and…**

 **(Sean listens to the music score)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, what's with the music score? It feels like I'm watching an episode of** _ **Tiny Toon Adventures**_ **. Weird. Anyway, we see that Clark comes home very happy and he has some news to share with his wife Ellen, played by Beverly D'Angelo, and Rusty and Audrey who are now teenagers and all of a sudden Audrey is a smoking hot Latina instead of a white girl. Not trying to sound racist here. Rusty is played by Ethan Embry, who you might recognize from the Netflix show** _ **Grace & Frankie**_ **, and Audrey is played by…**

 **(Sean sees that Audrey's portrayer is very familiar)**

"Wait a minute, wait a minute." Sean said as he picks up the remote and pauses after recognizing the girl. "Holy Mary Mother of God in Heaven of All That Is Holy. Marisol Nichols? I'm not joking, that's Marisol Nichols as Audrey Griswold in _Vegas Vacation._ Hey _Riverdale_ fans, before she became the mob wife of Hiram Lodge, she was the daughter of Clark Griswold. Yeah. That's Hermione Lodge, guys."

 **(A clip from** _ **Riverdale**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hermione Lodge (Played by Marisol Nichols): You know, I should slap you for what you're insinuating, but I'm not a violent person.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark has some good news to share with his family and the news is that his long-life food preservative has been approved and he got his big bonus. So, what better way is to take a few days off and take his family to…**

 _ **Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Fantastic Las Vegas! (Laughs)**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold (Played by Marisol Nichols) Dad, Las Vegas? There's nothing to do there.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): Clark, I don't think that Las Vegas is the kind of place you take a family.**_

"Yeah, she's right. You have members of the mafia in Las Vegas. Not to mention Rover Dangerfield and a giant baby." Sean said.

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Dad, I'm not going. The people there are so phony.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold (Played by Ethan Embry): Isn't there legalized prostitution.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Rusty in this film is a bit of a goofball. Clark wants his family to go to Las Vegas with him because he wants to spend some time with his family and I like this little gag right here that he makes coming up.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: And you guys are growing up so fast I hardly recognize you anymore.**_

"Okay, I have to admit that was pretty funny." Sean said, laughing a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Another reason for the trip to Vegas is that Clark wants to renew his vows with Ellen. So, with the family all set, they're on their way to Las Vegas.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: I think this is going to be the greatest vacation ever.**_

 **(Rusty and Audrey look at each other, knowing that this vacation is going to turn into a disaster)**

"Since when have their vacations gone right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the flight to Vegas, Clark tries to be frisky with Ellen and decides to go to a special club with her in the bathroom. The Mile-High Club. Excuse me.**

"Hold on, this is a PG movie. This is a movie for the whole family to watch. Why add sexual humor to this film? It's not like the little kids would understand. Can you imagine how parents would react if their kid asks them what the Mile-High Club is." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean and Taylor are acting as parents and Brian is acting as the little son as they watch Vegas Vacation)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (On TV) You know, honey. The guys at work tell me there's this club we can join if we meet in the bathroom.**_

 **Brian: (As the son) Mommy, daddy.**

 **Sean: (As the father) Yes, son?**

 **Brian: What club are they talking about?**

 **Sean: Hmm?**

 **Brian: They're talking about a club in the bathroom. Can we join this club?**

 **(Taylor spits her drink out in shock)**

 **Taylor: (As the mother) Oh, my God! Honey, I don't think we should tell Jimmy.**

 **Sean: Oh, please. You and I both joined the Mile-High Club a few times.**

 **Brian: I want to join the Mile-High Club!**

 **Sean: When you're older, son. When you're older.**

 **Brian: What's the Mile-High Club?**

 **Sean: Mother of God.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark and Ellen decide to spice up their sex life and by pushing the rating up to a PG-13 rating, Clark and Ellen join the Mile High Club in the bathroom and let's just say that it didn't end well.**

 **(Ellen gets her foot stuck in the toilet)**

 **** _ **Ellen Griswold: Ow! Foot, foot, foot, foot, foot, foot!**_

 **(Clark accidentally flushes the toilet while Ellen's foot is stuck)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I got it. I got it. I got it.**_

 **(We see the aftermath as we see Ellen's foot and pant leg dyed blue and Clark's hand and sleeve dyed blue as well)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: I'll never fly again.**_

"This is why I don't fly on planes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives in Las Vegas and is greeted by a limo driver who drives them to their destination and during the drive, the Griswolds become entranced with the Vegas nightlife.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: It's beautiful!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Audrey, come here. You gotta see this.**_

 **(Clark closes the sunroof on Audrey's waist)**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Daddy! Help! Daddy, I'm stuck! Daddy! (Coughs)**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Vegas, Vegas, Vegas.**_

"Jesus! He's trying to kill her before she even stars in _Riverdale_." Sean said. "And by the way, have you noticed that Audrey is a bit like Meg Griffin from _Family Guy_? I've noticed it while watching these films."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswolds arrive at the Mirage Hotel, where they're checked in by a receptionist, played by** _ **Saturday Night Live's**_ **Julia Sweeney, and she gives them directions to their hotel room.**

 _ **Mirage Reception Person (Played by Julia Sweeney): Now, in order to get to your rooms, you're going to have to go this way through the casino, veer to the left. Take a short right at the first giant palm tree. You'll see a group of blackjack tables….**_

"Right, uh, wait. Huh?" Sean asked.

 _ **Mirage Reception Person: You'll see a bank of elevators. Those aren't your elevators, stay away from them.**_

"Right, elevators. Then what, I want to know." Sean said.

 _ **Mirage Reception Person: Any questions?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: No, not really.**_

"Yeah, I have just one question: could you just show them to their fucking room?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they arrive to their hotel room, Clark gets hit with the gambling bug and plays some slots. Once they're settled in, Clark and Ellen have a little fun at the casino and on their way, Ellen gets her panties wet for Wayne Newton when she sees him walking by and staring at her. Meanwhile, Rusty and Audrey sneak into the casino to do some gambling until they get caught.**

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Hi.**_

 _ **Mirage Security Guard (Played by Sly Smith): Good evening. Would the two of you have any ID?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Well, uh, you see we left our IDs upstairs, actually. We're on our honeymoon. But, if you could wait here for two minutes. I can run upstairs and get the ID. I'll be right back, okay.**_

 **(Rusty kisses Audrey's cheek and leaves)**

"Pretending to be a married couple? Rusty, I know that Audrey is a sexy, banging hot Latina, but she's your sister. What do you think this is, _The Godfather Part III_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Clark comes across a blackjack table and a blackjack dealer named Marty, played by Wallace Shawn. An actor who I met at the Cincinnati Comic Expo last year.**

 **(A photo of Sean and Wallace Shawn is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And while Clark is trying to have some good luck at the blackjack table, guess who shows up.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie (Played by Randy Quaid): Clark Griswold, did you think you were gonna get to Las Vegas and not see your favorite cousin?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. Cousin Eddie is back and he's once again played by America and Canada's favorite nutjob Randy Quaid and boy it's great to see Cousin Eddie again. It's a shame that I'll hate him in** _ **Christmas Vacation 2**_ **.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: What are you doing in Las Vegas, Eddie?**_

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Where else can you wear shorts 24 hours a day, huh?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) While he's talking to Eddie, Clark suspects that the Marty the blackjack dealer is shady and he ends up losing money to him.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I can't believe it. I lost $300 in 15 minutes?**_

 **(Eddie almost chokes on his beer, burps and then faints in shock)**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: I'm okay. I'm okay.**_

 **(Clark looks at Marty and points at him as Marty makes a goofy face at Clark)**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Princess Bride**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Vizzini (Played by Wallace Shawn): Inconceivable!**_

"See that? This is why I don't gamble away my money." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, the Griswold decide to enjoy some entertainment as they go see Siegfried & Roy perform a magic trick. So, they have Clark as a volunteer.**

 **(Clark is in a box that lifts up as a curtain goes down around it. We then hear Clark scream as the curtain goes down, to reveal a white tiger)**

"Okay, either one or two things. One: they turned Clark into a white tiger. And two: that white tiger ate him up." Sean said. "Remember what happened to Roy Horn back in 2003 when that white tiger bit him on the neck?"

 **(Clark appears on stage during the grand finale of the show. He turns and sees a white tiger)**

"Oh, shit. Now the tigers are going to kill him for doing _The Chevy Chase Show_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Clark and his family are enjoying breakfast before driving down to see Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine, who are living in Vegas and Rusty decides that he wants to gamble, and that pisses off Clark.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: I want to gamble.**_

 **(Clark looks at his son, with an upset look on his face)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Russell, I never want to hear those words out of your mouth again. Gambling is a very serious business. Is that clear?**_

"Maybe that Martin Scorsese movie didn't make it clear to you when we watched it. Do you want your head crushed in a vise by Joe Pesci?" Sean asked, imitating Clark Griswold.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Clark, trying to set a good example decides to sneak to the casino and play some roulette then loses $25. Way to set a good example, Clark. Then it's off to see Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine and we get….**

 **(** _ **Holiday Road**_ **performed by Lindsey Buckingham plays)**

"Oh, Holiday Road. How I missed you so much. Holiday Road! Holiday Road!" Sean sings.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of throwbacks, they decide to throw in a nod to the original** _ **Vacation**_ **when Christie Brinkley returns. HELLOOOOOOOOOO CHRISTIE BRINKLEY!**

 **(Clark sees the Woman in the Car, then starts hitting on her while Ellen isn't looking)**

"Got to give this film some credit, they know how to throw in a great reference, to a really good movie that I should be watching right now." Sean said.

 **(Clark then sees a baby sitting in the back in a car seat. We learn that the Woman in the Red Ferrari is now a mother)**

"Wow, looks like things have changed for the Girl in the Red Ferrari." Sean said. "We see that she's now a mother and she's married to Peter Cook. And for a woman who's in her forties, she's still looking fine as hell."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswolds arrive at Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine's RV and we see that they live at an abandoned U.S. Government atomic testing facility. What the hell? Uh, yeah. I don't think that it's a safe place to be living at. Once again playing Eddie's wife Catherine is the talented Miriam Flynn and we're also introduced to another character that we haven't seen before named Cousin Denny played by Zach Moyes. And we see that he has a shitload of piercings on his face.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Doesn't that hurt?**_

 _ **Cousin Denny (Played by Zach Moyes): It's not bad.**_

"You should see the other guy. He had a shitload of piercings on his arm and back just to break the world record." Sean said, referring to the guy breaking the world record for the most piercings on his body from TruTV's _World's Dumbest Record Breakers_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Heck, we see that Cousin Eddie is living the dream with him and his family living at an atomic testing facility, boy they're lucky that they haven't have any abnormalities with their bodies. And he can cook his chicken on the rocks without affording a grill.**

"I would not eat what Cousin Eddie is cooking I would rather keep my teeth and hair intact." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of returning characters, Ruby-Sue from** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is back, this time she's played by Juliette Brewer. You know, Mary Ann from** _ **The Little Rascals**_ **and the voice of Rosy from** _ **Balto**_ **.**

"And if you want to know what Mary Ann from _The Little Rascals_ looks like now." Sean said as a photo of Juliette Brewer pops up. It was a photo of the 20th anniversary cast reunion of _The Little Rascals_ movie that was released back in 1994. "Goddamn, Mary Ann looks hot. What about Darla and Jane?"

 **(The reunion photo of** _ **The Little Rascals**_ **with Juliette Brewer, Brittany Ashton Holmes and Heather Karasek as the characters Mary Ann, Darla and Jane pop up)**

"Helloooooooooo, why am I having naughty thoughts about these three from my favorite movie from my childhood? Okay, I'm off topic. Let me get back to reviewing this one before I conduct a naughty fanfic about Darla, Mary Ann and Jane." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And returning from National Lampoon's Vacation is Cousin Vi….**

 **(The record screeches)**

 _ **Cousin Vicki (Played by Shae D'lyn): Lord is my witness, I hate this heat! If it ain't gluing your butt to the truck seat it's making you sweat like a farm animal! And I want something better! Hey, everybody.**_

"Remember Cousin Vicki, the pot smoking, daddy kissing cousin from National Lampoon's Vacation? Well, she's in this movie. And instead of Jane Krakowski reprising her role as Cousin Vicki, I guess her agent called and told her about the movie and she heard how bad this movie's going to be, she jumped ship and starred in _Ally McBeal._ Cousin Vicki is played by Shae D'lyn, who you might recognize her as Jane from the ABC sitcom _Dharma & Greg_." Sean said.

 _ **Cousin Eddie: You remember your Cousin Vicki don't you, Russ? Yeah, she's a dancer now.**_

"Ooh, a dancer? What in ballet? Or a ballroom dancer? At least she has a normal job." Sean said.

 **(Cousin Vicki starts pole dancing as Eddie, Catherine, Ellen, Audrey, Clark and Rusty watch. While watching Vicki, Clark crushes his beer can)**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Russ.**_

"Uh, you should tell that to Audrey. I mean look at her checking out her cousin. She's having unnatural thoughts about scissoring her." Sean said as the camera zooms in on Audrey's face.

 _ **Cousin Vicki: If you want to hang out with Cousin Vicki tonight, I'll give you my beeper number.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Really? That would be great.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Community**_ **plays)**

 **** _ **Senor Ben Chang (Played by Ken Jeong): Ha, gay!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before they leave, Cousin Eddie and Cousin Catherine tag along with the family and their next destination on their vacation is….**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **episode** _ **Girl Meets Texas Part 3**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Cory Matthews (Played by Ben Savage): Hoover Dam!**_

 _ **Hoover Dam Guide (Played by the late John Finnegan): I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now, I'm about to take you through a fully functional power plant. So please, no one wander off the dam tour. And please take all the dam pictures you want. Now, are there any dam questions?**_

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Yeah, where can I get some dam bait?**_

"This damn joke is too damn stupid and how long till this damn movie ends? It's giving me a damn headache and I need a damn aspirin." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the tour, Clark inadvertently causes a leak and he tries to patch it up with some chewing gum, which doesn't work and he ends up getting lost.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Where the hell is the damn dam tour?**_

"Ah, ah! Don't start that damn joke again, damn it!" Sean points.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While wandering through Hoover Dam, Clark finds himself outside and climbs up a power tower while composer Joel McNeely gives us a poor man's Indiana Jones theme. Then we're treated to the worst green screen effect ever. Jesus, I've seen better visual effects in Tobe Hooper's** _ **Invaders From Mars**_ **. Clark hangs onto one of the power cords until it break and then it gives us a funny bit that I like.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: (While swinging to the wall of the Hoover Dam) O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of…**_

 **(A loud thud is heard as Ellen and the rest of the family see Clark climbing the wall of the Hoover Dam)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, my God! Clark!**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: Daddy!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Sorry, honey, I'll be right up.**_

"Must refrain from making a _Good Luck Charlie_ joke. Must refrain from making a _Good Luck Charlie_ joke." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark climbs up the wall of the Hoover Dam to try not to kill himself. I'm just waiting for Lex Luthor to launch a nuclear missile and cause an earthquake with that missile so Clark can fall to his death. So, yeah. Clark doesn't get himself killed. Hoover Dam!**

"Worst. Joke. Ever!" Dave yelled out.

"Shut up, Dave!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Clark and his family were given four tickets to see Wayne Newton and Ellen is surprised and she gets a gift from Wayne Newton. And boy the effect he has on women. Clark and his family go to see Wayne Newton perform and during the performance Wayne Newton sees Ellen and starts singing and Ellen has the hots for the guy.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hitting on mom.**_

 **(Wayne and Ellen start singing and Ellen tries to hit a high note for the song** _ **Loving You**_ **)**

"Wayne Newton is a dreamboat." Taylor said.

"I know." Cheryl said.

"Hey!" Sean and Brian both said.

"Boy, Wayne Newton sure does have an effect on wom…. 

Sean pulls out his Beretta M9 pistol and Brian pulls out a Walther PPK as they both point their weapons at Dave the cameraman.

"One more word out of you and we'll pop you full of lead." Sean said as Dave stayed silent.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Wayne Newton's performance, Clark goes to gamble some more and has some good luck until Cousin Eddie arrives and has some bad luck. Then has some more bad luck when Marty returns. Meanwhile with Rusty and Audrey, Rusty gets himself a fake ID from a Frank Sinatra impersonator, played by Kahn Souphanousinphone, Sr. (Toby Huss) from** _ **King of the Hill**_ **and becomes a high-class winner while taking on the pseudonym Nick Pappagiorgio. Sounds like the name of a mobster in the Gambino Crime Family. Audrey is taking in the nightlife while hanging out with her Cousin Vicki. Meanwhile with Ellen, she's hanging out with Wayne Newton and Clark gets jealous. This what this movie consists up, Clark gets addicted to gambling and gets humiliated by Wallace Shawn every time he loses, Rusty enjoying the high life, Audrey hanging out with her exotic dancer cousin and Ellen spending time with Wayne Newton, who has the hots for her.**

"Remember when three of the _Vacation_ films were funny? This is just pure torture than _Christmas Vacation 2_. I would rather be watching _Vacation, European Vacation_ and _Christmas Vacation_. This one just bores the hell out of me. It's boring." Sean said.

 _ **Marty: Buy a bullet and rent a gun.**_

"I already got that one covered." Sean said, picking up his gun.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After being humiliated and losing his money, Clark sees Rusty, Audrey and Ellen are back from their "alone" day and he sees that Vegas has changed them and it's time for a little family chat.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Now listen to me, I know we haven't seen a lot of each other lately and that's okay but we're the Griswolds. And we're on vacation. And starting right now, we're going to have a great time.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold: But dad, we're having a great time.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Who would've thought that my sister had the legs of a thoroughbred. Am I right?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.**_

"Yeah, Russ. Shut up before Hiram Lodge frames you for murder and puts you in jail. Or he'll send somebody to blow up your cars." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark tells them that starting right now they're going to have a great time together as a family but then a furious Ellen says "fuck that shit."**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: You brought us all here on a family vacation and the only time we've spent together is when you're on your way in or out of the casino.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: I've invited you…**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: You find the Clark Griswold I married and tell him I'm at the Mirage!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Ellen) And you tell him that I will be sleeping with Al Pacino!**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Don't worry about me! I got plenty I can do on my own in Las Vegas!**_

 **(Clark checks his pockets and sees that he has no money left)**

 **Sean: (Narrating With the family deserting him, Clark decides to hang out with Cousin Eddie and his kids at a buffet, in which Chef Gordon Ramsay will not approve.**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: Best $1.49 buffet in town, Clark.**_

"In Vegas? I would not eat there with food looking like that and give me food poisoning. I would rather eat at Golden Corral." Sean said. "At least the food looks good there."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Clark asks Eddie an important question about him.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Eddie, when you look at me, what do you see?**_

 **(Eddie looks at Clark)**

"He sees a man who made some bad career choices in his life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark tells Eddie that he gambled away $22. 600 and Eddie almost has a heart attack. And Eddie decides to help Clark out since he has some money stashed away but here's one problem…**

 **(We see Clark and Eddie out by the RV digging up the money)**

 _ **Cousin Eddie: I forgot where I buried it.**_

"Okay, who in their right mind buries money in the ground? Couldn't Eddie afford a safe? He's not the guy who buried money from _It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after they found the money that Eddie buried, can you take a guess what they're going to do?**

 **Is it:**

 **Give the money to Clark.**

 **Not gamble Eddie's money away.**

 **Put the money in the safe.**

 **Go to a strip club.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you answered any of these questions, then you're a fucking idiot! And what do you know, Clark ends up gambling away Eddie's money at one of them discount casinos while trying to get his money back. And Clark re-evaluates his life because he's a crappy husband and father. And he becomes sad about seeing those families happy together.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: Look at all these happy families. Where did I go wrong? What did I do?**_

"A lot of things you did wrong and I can name a lot of things that you've done. I've got a list." Sean said as he pulls out a giant list from underneath his couch. "Let's see: you starred in _O Heavenly Dog_ with Benji, you kidnapped John Candy and held him at gunpoint with a BB gun, you left Aunt Edna's corpse at Normie's house, you murdered Aunt Edna's dog, you filmed a porno starring you and Ellen, you did _The Chevy Chase Show_. The list goes on."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark doesn't care about the money and all he cares about is getting his family back, because that's what a good husband and father do. So, the first stop is at Wayne Newton's mansion, where Ellen is having dinner with him and this happens.**

 _ **Wayne Newton: Ellen, I uh. There's something I have to tell you.**_

 **(Ellen stops eating and sits her plate down on the table)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, no. Wayne, please, don't.**_

 _ **Wayne Newton: Ellen, I've always been a moral man. But my resolve is melting in the blinding light of your precious smile.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: (Picks her plate up from off of the table) Maybe you're just hungry. Would you like some more pasta?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wayne Newton tries to make a move on Ellen. You know the last time Wayne Newton tried to sleep with a woman, this happened.**

 **(A clip from the James Bond movie** _ **License to Kill**_ **plays, in the scene, the character Pam Bouvier shoots at Professor Joe Butcher but misses)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And in the nick of time, Clark arrives by crashing a tour bus through Wayne Newton's house and wins Ellen back before Wayne Newton could make Ellen say** _ **Danke Schoen**_ **.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: I've been a fool. And not a loveable fool who clowns for the delight of children and small people. But a fool who's only fooling himself.**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're back.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: I've learned that a family vacation only works when you're with your family. You and Russ and…**_

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Audrey.**_

"No, Hermione Lodge. Of course, Audrey." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark and Ellen get back together and then it's time to get the kids. They end up finding Rusty partying in a swanky hotel room with a bunch of hot bikini babes, only to get embarrassed by his parents. And Audrey, where she's a Club Areola….**

 **(Ellen gasps in shock and points to see Cousin Vicki dancing on the pole)**

 _ **Cousin Vicki: Hey, everybody!**_

 **(Clark, Ellen and Rusty turn to see Audrey, who is dancing in a cage)**

 _ **Ellen Griswold: Oh, my God! Our baby!**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Hang on, honey, daddy's coming to get you!/Ten years of tap-dancing lessons and this is how you repay me?**_

"That's Clark's initial reaction to finding out that she was getting married to Hiram Lodge." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Clark, Ellen, Rusty and Audrey reunite and then he breaks the news about losing all of the money. And with two dollars Ellen has, it's time to get their money by going to the MGM Grand and play keno to win $30, 000. And they come across an elderly man, played by the late Sid Caesar.**

 _ **Mr. Ellis (Played by the late Sid Caesar): Excuse me, is that your family?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Yeah.**_

 _ **Mr. Ellis: You're a lucky man.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Luckiest guy on earth.**_

"Let's hope you be a lucky son of a bitch when you win." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this is a scene that I like in this movie, this old man named Mr. Ellis was never married and that he has been lonely all of his life. And out of sympathy, Clark tells the man to consider himself part of the Griswold family. Both the Griswolds and the old man begin the game, but the Griswolds end up losing until Mr. Ellis wins the game and bursts out in joy and in a reference to one of my favorite comedies, the man suddenly begin to slip in and out of consciousness and he tells him to take the ticket before he dies. And if you're curious to know what movie they're referencing, it's a reference to Jimmy Durante's death scene in** _ **It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.**_ **A movie which Sid Caesar starred in. Clark takes the ticket and with their newfound winnings, Clark and Ellen renew their vows…**

 **(While Clark and Ellen are renewing their vows, Eddie and Catherine are crying throughout the whole thing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's finish this. Clark and Ellen renew their vows, Clark gives Eddie $5, 000 to repay him for his kindness and the Griswolds leave home in their new cars that Rusty won. So kids, the moral to the story is Vegas is a bad place and you shouldn't gamble. Who am I kidding? People in Vegas gamble their money!**

"And that was _Vegas Vacation_ and I didn't care for it." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I considered** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **the weakest entry in the Vacation film series, I considered this one to be the weaker entry. There are some parts that are funny and some scenes that aren't funny. It tends to get boring at times. It's just not the same without John Hughes' writing. If he wrote the screenplay for the movie, then it would've been better. Good parts about the movie was Cousin Eddie stealing the show and the performances of Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid, Ethan Embry and Marisol Nichols were pretty good. But anyway, it's a movie in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series hit rock bottom and too corny. That's why** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **is getting 2 poker chips out of 5.**

"And that's all for my review on _Vegas Vacation_. And _The Summer of Vacation_ is almost over when I take a look at the final film in the _Vacation_ film series simply titled, _Vacation_. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. See you guys next time." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Vegas, Vegas, Vegas.**_

 **And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **. Next time,** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **ends when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 2015 reboot simply titled** _ **Vacation**_ **. Will it be better than the other Vacation films or just a rehash of the original? Don't forget to review this story, add to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, here are some of the reviews that I plan on working on later on:** _ **GoldenEye, The Godfather Part III, Sean's Story Arc: Batman/Superman: World's Finest**_ **,** _ **The Sandlot**_ **and** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **. These are some of the reviews. So, I'll see you guys next time when I finish up** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	29. TSOV Part 7: Vacation (2015)

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well, looks like** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **is coming to an end when Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the fifth entry in the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series simply titled** _ **Vacation**_ **. Let's finish up** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **with the review of** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this review. All material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **Vacation**_ **is owned by Warner Bros., New Line Cinema, BenderSpink and Big Kid Pictures.**

 **The Summer of Vacation Part VII: Vacation (2015)**

Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic is seen sitting on his couch in his living room once more. He takes a sip of his Vanilla Coke and sighs a bit before talking.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, as _The Summer of Vacation_ is winding down to a close, I figure that I'd finish up _The Summer of Vacation_ with the fifth installment of the _Vacation_ film series simply titled _Vacation_. Kinda like the first movie so that's not confusing at all but just like _Vegas Vacation_ , it doesn't carry the National Lampoon name in front of it. Fuck it, just call it _Vacation 2015_." Sean said before posters from past _Vacation_ movies are shown.

 **(A poster of** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay,** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **. Classic screwball comedy, a lot of fun. Really liked it. If you haven't seen it, I'd totally recommend it.**

 **(A poster of** _ **National Lampoon's European Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **European Vacation**_ **, ehhhh. It was an okay film. Not as good as the first one but it was funny and it had it's moments.**

 **(A poster of** _ **National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) My favorite one in the series. I really, really like it. Perfect for the holidays. Again, if you haven't seen it, I'd totally recommend it as well.**

 **(A poster of** _ **Vegas Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) My least favorite in the series. That's all I have to say for that one.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lord Jesus. No. I can't even.**

 **(Clips from** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters in July 29, 2015,** _ **Vacation**_ **stars Ed Helms as Rusty Griswold, Christina Applegate as his wife Debbie Fletcher-Griswold, Skyler Gisondo and Steele Stebbins as their sons James and Kevin Griswold, Chris Hemsworth as Stone Crandall, Leslie Mann as Rusty's sister Audrey Griswold-Crandall, Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo as Clark and Ellen Griswold. The film was written and directed by Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley in their directorial debuts. Goldstein and Daley were both known for working on the films** _ **Horrible Bosses, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, Horrible Bosses 2, Spider-Man: Homecoming**_ **and the hilarious dark comedy** _ **Game Night**_ **. A pretty funny film, I totally recommend it as well.**

 **(A photo of John Francis Daley as Dr. Lance Sweets in** _ **Bones**_ **and Sam Weir in** _ **Freaks and Geeks**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You'll probably recognize John Francis Daly as Sam Weir in the NBC sitcom** _ **Freaks and Geeks**_ **which also starred James Franco, Seth Rogen and Lauren (Linda Cardellini) from** _ **Boy Meets World**_ **. And as the late Dr. Lance Sweets in the Fox show** _ **Bones**_ **.**

"The film is considered a soft reboot of the franchise. It's not like it's gonna be the same as the original _Vacation_ film or will it be something new and original? From the looks of reboots these days, there's no telling what they're gonna do. So, let's take a look at…" Sean said as Brian clears his throat. Sean turns around and sees Brian standing by the doorway while drinking a can of Pepsi. "What?

"Dude, don't act like you don't know. We planned this review of National Lampoon's Vacation after we finished reviewing _The Fly II_." Brian said.

"What the? Am I getting a sudden case of déjà vu? Anyway, let's finish up The Summer of Vacation with _Vacation 2015_." Sean said.

 **(The movie opening titles are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with a main title sequence of different hilarious family vacations and immediately the movie hits us with nostalgia feels as it gives us a remixed and remastered version of Lindsey Buckinham's** _ **Holiday Road**_ **. And I love this version of the song. We see that Mark Mothersbaugh, the lead singer and keyboardist of the band Devo and the composer for** _ **Rugrats**_ **composed the music for this movie. After the opening credits end, we see Rusty Griswold, played by Ed Helms from** _ **The Hangover**_ **trilogy, is now an adult and working as a pilot for a low budget regional airline called Econo-Air.**

 _ **Harry the Co-Pilot (Played by David Clennon): I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold (Played by Ed Helms) I was happy to do it. You know, just because corporate says you're too old to fly doesn't make it true. Anything you're more qualified than us younger guys.**_

 _ **Harry the Co-Pilot: Means a lot to me.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Sure thing.**_

 _ **Harry the Co-Pilot: Oh, and Rusty.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Mm-hm.**_

 _ **Harry the Co-Pilot: I wanna thank you for going to bat for me last week.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Yeah.**_

"Okay, either this guy is hit with the major case of the oldies or he's related to Jimmy Two Times from _Goodfellas_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Goodfellas**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jimmy Two Times (Played by Anthony Powers): I'm gonna go get the papers. Get the papers.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we see that Rusty is good at his job and he's very to the passengers.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Is this your first time on a plane?**_

 _ **Jake (Played by Colin Hanks): We were planning on driving but, uh, Tyler here has been begging us to go on his first airplane.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Oh, is that right?**_

 _ **Tyler (Played by Ethan Maher): Uh-huh. Do you think I can be a pilot when I grow up?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Heh. Yeah, well, I don't see why not.**_

"If you want to fly with Harrison Ford and Launchpad McQuack, then good luck to you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then the plane starts to get a case of turbulence and Rusty ends up having his hands on the boy's mother's breasts and this happens.**

 **(The plane has turbulence, causing Rusty to fly up and his head lands in the little boy's crotch. An uncomfortable look is shown on the boy's face as Rusty moves his head away)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: So sorry. Okay, you folks enjoy the rest of your flight.**_

 **(The plane continues to have some turbulence, causing Rusty to rip the mother's blouse open)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Let me give you a hand.**_

 _ **Jake: Can you please stay the fuck away from us?**_

"Oh, yeah. This movie is rated R. This movie is no-longer family oriented like the other three films which were rated PG and PG-13. This movie is adult oriented, which means more F-bombs, crude sexual content and gratuitous nudity for you all." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After a humiliating day from being on a plane, we see that Rusty has a rival who bullies him. He's played by Ron Livingston from** _ **Office Space**_ **. And we see that the guy works first class. Yeah, like people on first class is special than Econo-Air. And we see that this guy is a total prick because him and two sexy ladies go on a bus, making it full and leaving Rusty behind to wait 25 minutes for another one. Then, Rusty comes home to his family. His wife Debbie, played by Christina Applegate from** _ **Married…With Children**_ **, his shy and awkward 14-year-old son James, played by Skyler Gisondo from the Netflix show** _ **Santa Clarita Diet**_ **and their 12-year-old son Kevin, played by Steele Stebbins from** _ **Crazy Ex-Girlfriend**_ **and we see that Kevin is, well how do you say it, a bit of an asshole to his older brother.**

 _ **James Griswold (Played by Skyler Gisondo): Look what Kevin did to my guitar.**_

 **(He shows Rusty what Kevin wrote on his guitar. It says "I Have A Vagina" written on it)**

 _ **Kevin Griswold (Played by Steele Stebbins): God. You told mom and dad? You have such a vagina.**_

"Whoa! Watch the mouth, you little shit!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Did I mention that he bullies his older brother? Well, he's being a huge C U Next Tuesday to him all the time. I thought that was the other way around. I thought it was the older brother picking on the younger brother. We've seen that on** _ **Weird Science, Home Alone, The Goldbergs, The Godfather Part II**_ **. Okay, I'm kidding about** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **because Michael ordered the death of Fredo. And in this situation, Kevin is Michael and James is Fredo.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: We don't make fun of someone just because they're a little different from us.**_

 _ **James Griswold: Di…I don't have a vagina.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: I'm just saying, that even if you did, it wouldn't be okay for Kevin to tease you about your vagina.**_

 _ **James Griswold: No. Why are you making it sound like I have a vagina?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: I know you don't have a vagina. I'm not doing that.**_

"Rusty, you're not helping. Shut your mouth." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that day, we see that the Griswolds are having dinner with their friends the Petersons and Jack and Nancy, played by Keegan-Michael Key and Regina Hall are gloating about a family trip that they've taken to Paris. And Nancy asks Debbie an important question.**

 _ **Nancy Peterson (Played by Regina Hall): So are you guys anywhere special this summer?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold (Played by Christina Applegate): No. I wish. Yeah. No. We're…we are renting the same cabin that we've been renting for 10 years in Cheboygan, Michigan. The boys call it "Che-boring," Michigan.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rusty overhears the conversation between Nancy and Debbie and becomes sad. Then later, Rusty is going through photos of his family at the cabin while** _ **Hell's Kitchen**_ **is playing on the television and while going through the photos, he sees that Debbie looks bored with the same trip. Then, movie decides to throw in some nostalgia by showing us photos from the past four** _ **Vacation**_ **movies.**

"Four films that I should be watching right now instead of this one. What the hell happened to this film series?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Rusty comes across a photo of his parents and his sister Audrey wearing Walley World hats and an idea pops into his head so the next morning he tells them the exciting news.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: The four of us are gonna take a little trip.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Paris.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Hmm. No, much better. We're driving to Walley World.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: What?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: We gotta shake things up, right? Spend a little quality time. And of course it wouldn't hurt for the boys to learn to get a long a little better.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Uh, by locking them in a car together?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Yeah.**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: This is some bullshit right here!**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Hey, language.**_

"I really don't like that character. He's such a little bastard. You know what, fuck this kid. Fuck all of this kid." Sean said.

 _ **James Griswold: I just don't wanna do my first big road trip to some corporate theme park, you know? I'd like to explore the real America, like Jack Kerouac or the Merry Pranksters.**_

 **(Kevin punches James in the arm and slaps him in his face)**

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Don't say weird shit!**_

 _ **James Griswold: Ah. Ow!**_

We see a shocked look on Sean's face from the character Kevin abusing his older brother James. "Oh, my God! This kid is evil! Who the fuck does he think he is Macauley Culkin from _The Good Son_? He just abuses the shit out his brother!"

 _ **Debbie Griswold: So you just wanna redo your vacation from 30 years ago? Don't you think that's gonna be kind of a letdown?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: No, no, no. We're not redoing anything. This will be completely different. For one thing, the original vacation had a boy and a girl. This one has two boys. And I'm sure that there will be lots of other differences.**_

 _ **James Griswold: I've never even heard of the original vacation.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Doesn't matter. The new vacation will stand on it's own, okay?**_

"Isn't that what Goldstein and Daley said to the execs at Warner Bros. and New Line Cinema about their pitch for the Vacation reboot?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, with the family saying yes to go to the trip, Rusty shows his family the little car that he rented.**

 **Rusty Griswold: Look what your dad rented.**

 **(The car that Rusty rented is revealed to be an ugly, over-complicated SUV from Albania called a Tartan Prancer)**

"Oh, my God. That is the world's most ugliest car I have ever seen in my life." Sean said, with a disgusted look on his face.

"Hoxha's Albania. Seriously?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is the Family Truckster of the movie, a 2015 Tartan Prancer. And if you think that the Family Truckster was bad, then you haven't seen the Tartan Prancer and it has a lot of features. And I mean a lot.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: It's got all the latest Albanian technology. Check it out. Plug-in hybrid.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Oh, wow, eco-friendly. Good.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: So any time we run out of juice, we can just pull right over, and plug in. I don't know what that is.**_

"It also has two gas tanks to carry twice as much gas. Cupholders on the side of the car. Six ashtrays. Four mirrors, two on the front and two on the back and here's the best part." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: I can control the entire car from the fob.**_

 _ **James Griswold: What do all the buttons mean?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: No clue. But we'll figure it out.**_

"Uh, one of the buttons has a swastika on it. I hope you're not planning on using that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get more of Rusty's pure stupidity.**

 **(Rusty sticks his arm out by the door)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Slam the door on my arm.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Heh. What?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: It has a sensor. It won't let you slam the door on your arm or leg.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Okay.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Do it! Do it.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: This is kind of fun.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Slam it**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: All right. There you go.**_

 **(Debbie slams the door on Rusty's arm and Rusty screams in pain)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: (Screams) Oh! Oh!**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh!**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Goddamn it!**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Oh, my God! Why did you have me do that?!**_

"Uh, because he asked you to." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now it's time for the family to head down the road as their trip to Walley World begins. Well, there's no way that anything could possibly go wrong on this trip. Who am I kidding? We all know the drill. While driving through Missouri, Rusty decides to test out his CB radio after spotting a trucker driving a truck until Kevin tries it out.**

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Breaker 1-9, my friend Jessie says all truck drivers are rapists. Are you a rapist?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Kevin, no, no.**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Sorry. Over.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: No, no, no.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: What are you doing?**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: What? It's a question.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Well, you're ruining it.**_

"Oh, don't worry. There's no way that this trucker will come after Rusty and his family and tries to kill them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While driving on the road, James becomes fixated on a beautiful girl in a jeep with her family. And she's played by Catherine Missal, the sister of** _ **One Life to Live**_ **and** _ **The Crossing**_ **actress Kelley Missal. And then it gets ruined by this little bastard of a brother.**

 **(Kevin tries to suffocate James with a plastic bag over his head)**

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Go to sleep! Go to sleep!**_

 **(Kevin continues to suffocate his older brother with a plastic bag, scaring off the girl in the jeep)**

 _ **James Griswold: What's wrong with you?!**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: I just wanted to see how long you could hold your breath before you black out.**_

 _ **James Griswold: Don't do that. I could have died.**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Whatever.**_

"Jesus, what a fucking monster! He's downright evil. Oh, dear God. No. Is it too late to do a really, really, late-term…" Sean said.

"Don't go there, dude." Dave said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives at Memphis, Tennessee where Rusty decides to show his sons where Debbie went to college. They arrive at Memphis State College, where we learn a little something about Debbie's college days.**

 **(We see a wild sorority party going on, then we see two hot college girls making out in front of a guy. Next, we see a college girl doing a kegstand)**

 _ **Debbie Griswold: I cannot believe that they are still doing this.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: What is it?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Uh, it is the Tri-Pi Chung Run. You have to chug a big pitcher of beer and then you have to get through the course as fast as you can.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: And you did this? Because you hardly drink.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: No, yeah. But, honey, it's for charity, see?**_

 **(We see a sign that says "Tri-Pi Chug Run. All proceeds benefit Assburgers Research)**

"Okay, first off. I wish I stayed in college to party with these girls. And second as a person who has Asperger's, I find that offensive. That's not how you spell "Asperger's". Hell, Isadora Smackle from _Girl Meets World_ would find that offensive as well." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswolds come across a hot sorority member named Heather, played by Elizabeth Gilles from** _ **Victorious**_ **and The CW's** _ **Dynasty**_ **.**

"Okay, Marisol Nichols was easily the best part of _Vegas Vacation_. Now, this is the best part of Vacation. In that red top covering her bouncing tits and those shorts revealing her luscious long legs that would love to be wrapped around my waist. God, she's red hot. What was I talking about again?" Sean asked, going off topic. "Oh, right. Elizabeth Gilles in _Vacation_. Well, I guess I can watch _Dynasty_ on Netflix to take in her sexiness as Fallon Carrington. If you want red hot, watch _Dynasty_ just because she plays Fallon."

 **(A picture of Elizabeth Gilles as Fallon Carrington pops up)**

"Hey, Fallon." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Rusty learns a little something about his wife's past as a sorority member and boy Debbie is one wild one.**

 _ **Heather (Played by Elizabeth Gilles): Wait, are you Debbie Fletcher?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Yeah.**_

 _ **Heather: Oh, my shit. Oh, my shit! I can't believe it's you! Guys, come here! Bring over the book. It's Debbie fucking Fletcher.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: How do you know who I am?**_

 _ **Heather: Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You're like a legend at Tri-Pi. You're Debbie Do-Anything.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Oh, God.**_

 _ **Brooke (Played by Cristina Squyres): Is it true you climbed the clock tower naked?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Of course not.**_

 _ **Heather: Did you really show your tits to anyone who asked?**_

 _ **Chelsea (Played by Nadine Avola): I heard you stuck a finger in the dean's dick.**_

 _ **Heather: Did you really burn down the Taco Bell?**_

 _ **Brooke: I heard that you fucked Anthony Hopkins.**_

"Oooooookay, who came up with these things about her?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Debbie tells the sorority girls that she didn't do those things and she also tells them that they're idolizing very bad behavior. Then one of the girls say that she didn't even come up with the Chug Run and then this happens.**

 _ **Chelsea: Prove it.**_

 _ **Brooke: She can't do it now. She's old.**_

 _ **Debbie: Excuse me, girl?**_

 _ **Brooke: I didn't mean it like that. I just mean…you're old.**_

"Ooh, ixnay on the olday you bitchnay." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) To prove that she's still the rebellious that she was, couldn't she just lez it up with Heather in front of Rusty? I would love to see that. Debbie runs the obstacle course by drinking the whole pitcher of beer and get drunk and…**

 **(Debbie starts puking and runs the obstacle course, failing miserably and puking so much)**

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Tri-Pi, motherfuckers.**_

 **(Debbie vomits)**

"Well, you got your gross out humor for this movie. Aren't you glad you're happy to see that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After humiliating herself in front of a bunch of drunk sorority members and Elizabeth Gilles' fine ass, Debbie's going to have one hell of a hangover. And then we come to my favorite part of the movie.**

 **(Rusty turns on the radio as Seal's** _ **Kiss From a Rose**_ **plays over the speakers)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Oh, my God. I can't believe it. I love this song. Guys, it's Seal. Heh. Everybody sing it with me.**_

"I'll sing it with you." Sean said before he starts singing. "There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea."

 _ **Rusty Griswold: (Sings) You became the light on the dark side of me.**_

"Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill." Sean continues to sing.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: (Singing) Did you know that when it snows.**_

"My eyes become larger…" Sean stops singing until he notices a familiar truck behind Rusty and his family. "Uh, Rusty. There's somebody following you."

 _ **Rusty Griswold: (Singing) Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray**_

"There's a truck with a teddy bear on it's grill on your tail and I think he wants to kill you." Sean said, pointing at the truck.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: (Normal voice) Batman Forever?**_

"Yes, I know about _Batman Forever_ and Val Kilmer. I consider it to be better than _Batman & Robin_. Could you stop singing for one goddamn minute and look behind…" Sean said.

 **(The truck driver honks his horn at Rusty as him and his family look back and spot the truck that's following them)**

 _ **James Griswold: He's come back to kill us.**_

 **(The truck bumps into the bumper of Rusty's car)**

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Gun it, Russ!**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Gunning it.**_

 **(Rusty starts speeding)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The truck driver returns as Rusty drives for their lives and he decides to do a 180 handbrake turn like Vin Diesel and he ends up almost getting his family killed in a thrilling yet hilarious car chase. Just be glad that there's no gunfights happening. I've seen better car chases in James Bond movies. After fleeing for their lives, Rusty and his family stop at a motel for the night. James comes across the girl in the jeep named Adena.**

 _ **Adena (Played by Catherine Missal): I have a penis.**_

We then cut to Sean doing a spit take after drinking some of his vanilla cola. "Oh, my God! Oh, shit! It's _The Crying Game_ all over again. Oh, God!"

 _ **Adena: (Chuckles) It's on your guitar.**_

 _ **James Griswold: Same brother.**_

 _ **Adena: What an asshole.**_

 _ **James Griswold: Yeah.**_

 _ **Adena: You wanna go in?**_

 _ **James Griswold: Absolutely.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Well, what have we here? Little Romeo and Juliet situation? (Chuckles) My name's Russ. Pleased to meet you both. I'm just a stranger, passing through town. But I couldn't help noticing how incredibly handsome this young man is.**_

"Great. Way to go, Rusty. You just humiliated your son who's about to get lucky with this girl. Cockblocking idiot." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rusty fails being James' wingman and he brings up a little chat that him and his father had, a callback to the original Vacation. And the two of them have a little father/son chat.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Well, I just want you to know that I'm here to answer any questions you might have about that stuff. No matter how uncomfortable it seems.**_

 _ **James Griswold: Uh, there were some kids at school who were talking about rim jobs.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Hmm.**_

 _ **James Griswold: So, what's that? What's a rim job?**_

Sean's eyes widened in shock from James' question and Rusty trying to answer the question.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: I would guess a rim job is when you kiss someone with your mouth closed. Right? So you're only using the rim of your mouth.**_

"Hold on." Sean said as he picks up his phone to check the meaning and videos of what Rusty and James were talking about. "Uh, Rusty. That's not what rim jobs mean. I believe it meant something else and they have videos on it. And it's way dirtier."

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Good talk, James. Now, I hope you're not to old to let your dad give you a good-night rim job.**_

 **(A man who's staying at the motel walks back to his room after hearing what Rusty said to his son)**

"Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!" Sean said, imitating Yakko Warner from _Animaniacs_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Griswolds arrive at Arkansas and we get a nice little callback to** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **, in which Rusty comes across a girl in the red Ferrari, played by baseball player Derek Jeter's wife Hannah Jeter, who's credited as Hannah Davis.**

 **(While his wife and sons are asleep, Rusty hits on the Ferrari Girl)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): HELLOOO NURSE!**_

 **(The Ferrari Girl drives on the other side of the road and gets hit by a truck)**

"Damn!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from** _ **On Her Majesty's Secret Service**_ **is shown)**

 _ **James Bond (Played by George Lazenby): This never happened to the other fellow.**_

"Rusty is right. The new vacation is completely different than the original vacation." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Rusty and his family are driving down to Audrey's house and we learn that she's married to a guy named Stone, who's a weatherman.**

 _ **James Griswold: Mom, do you think Uncle Stone will let me ride his horse?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: I don't see why not.**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Do you think I can shoot his guns?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: No, you cannot.**_

 **(Kevin looks at James)**

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Too bad. I would've shot you right off that fucking horse.**_

"What. The. Fuck! This is played for laughs. That's not funny, that's fucking scary!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rusty and his family head down to a hot spring and they are helped by a "helpful" local, played by Kevin Can Wait's Ryan Cartwright who leads them to a hidden hot spring. And Rusty, being a complete dumbass, drives down the dirt road as him and his family come across the hidden hot spring. But what they don't know is that the hot spring they're relaxing in is a sewage dump.**

 _ **Debbie Griswold: (While rubbing the mud on her face) You know, it tastes a little shitty, but I think that's part of it.**_

"Well, that's because you and your family are rubbing shit all over yourselves and swimming in shit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After swimming in shitty water, the Griswolds return to the SUV, only to see that it's been broken into and their luggage and cash stolen and somebody sprayed a penis on their SUV. Well, at least it didn't say "Honky Lips". The Griswolds arrive in Plano, Texas and they arrive at Audrey and Stone's place, where they're greeted by Rusty's sister Audrey, played by Leslie Mann.**

"Really, Leslie? Don't you have a Jurgens commercial to do with your daughter Maude?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we're also introduced to Audrey's husband, played by the mighty Avenger himself Chris Hemsworth. And we see that Audrey and Stone's marriage tends to get really hot and heavy.**

 **(Stone and Audrey start making out in front of Rusty and his family)**

 _ **Stone Crandall (Played by Chris Hemsworth): I'm your caveman.**_

 **(Both Stone and Audrey start kissing and moaning)**

 _ **Audrey Griswold-Crandall (Played by Leslie Mann): I'll rip you in half.**_

 _ **Stone Crandall: I wanna have all your babies.**_

 _ **Audrey Griswold-Crandall: Oh, baby. Oh! I hit the fucking jackpot with you. Oh, God, what I'm gonna do to you tonight.**_

"Boy, Taylor and I were never like that when Brian, Cheryl, Adam and Lexi were around or while we're out in public with them. Taylor and I just save it for the bedroom." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Home Alone**_ **plays)**

 _ **Harry (Played by Joe Pesci): You're sick, you know that?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rusty and his family have dinner with Audrey and Stone and we see that he has a prized steer named Sebastian and we see Stone hitting on Debbie and later that night, Rusty and Debbie get a little hot and heavy in the bedroom until Rusty get jealous of Stone and he noticed that Debbie's wedding ring is not on her finger because she lost it, then Stone decides to check up on Rusty and Debbie.**

 **(Stone enters the room and makes a show of his attractive body and oversized genitalia)**

 _ **Stone Crandall: Man, it sure is beautiful here this time of year, ain't it? And quiet. Listen. You hear that?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: No.**_

 _ **Stone Crandall: Exactly. It's perfect silence.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Hmm.**_

"Oh, my God. Look at the size of Thor's hammer! Natalie Portman don't know what she's missing. There you go, ladies. You wanted to know how big Thor was. Now you seen how big he was.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Rusty and Stone are riding ATVs to round up the herd of cattle. Well, that seems like fun. There's no way a cow is going to get hurt.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Holy shit!**_

 **(We cut to Audrey, Debbie, James and Kevin after Rusty drives through a bull)**

"Ooh, nasty!" Sean said. "Well, that's one way to make ground beef. Who's in the mood for some triple Big Bufords from Rally's? That's one way to ruin a perfectly good cut of beef."

 _ **Debbie Griswold: All right, enough, you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just move on.**_

 **(All laugh)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrive at Holbrook, Arizona. Where they're staying at the Wampum Hotel for the night and Rusty and Debbie decide to be a little reckless.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: We're right near the Four Corners Monument, which is where four states come together in one spot.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: So?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Let's go have sex on it.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: What?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Yeah, that way we can make love in four states at the same time.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Wait? You're serious?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Airplane!**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Rumack (Played by the late Leslie Nielsen): I am serious and don't call me Shirley.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, being the dumbass kinky couple that they are, they sneak away to the Four Corners Monument to have sex.**

"Why do I get the feeling that they're gonna get caught for desecrating the most sacred monument?" Sean asked.

 _ **Man at Monument (Played by Miles Doleac): Y'all wanna keep it down?**_

 **(Debbie and Rusty both scream)**

 _ **Husky Lady at Monument (Played by O'Claire Alexander): If you're here to have sex on the Corners, we're next. Get in line.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then it turns into** _ **Night of the Living Freaks**_ **up in this bitch as Rusty and Debbie come across a bunch of people wanting to have sex on the Four Corners and as they make their escape until a cop arrives. A cop from Utah, played by Tim Heidecker.**

 _ **Utah Cop (Played by Tim Heidecker): You do know public indecency is a crime in the state of Utah?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Yes. Sorry, officer.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then, a cop from Colorado, played by Nick Kroll, arrives to arrest Rusty and Debbie.**

 _ **Colorado Cop (Played by Nick Kroll): These people are clearly in the state of Colorado. That's my jurisdiction.**_

 _ **Arizona Cop (Played by Kaitlin Olson): Juris-dick in my ass, Kyle. Look at her left foot. Smack-dab in Arizona.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oookay, so a cop from Arizona, played by Kaitlin Olson from** _ **It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia**_ **, arrives to arrest Rusty and Debbie…**

 _ **New Mexico Cop (Played by Michael Pena): You know what this border represents? It's just an idea. That's all I'm saying.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, for crying out…And then we get a New Mexico cop, played by Michael Pena, arriving to keep the peace and all hell breaks loose and Rusty and Debbie escape while the four cops point their guns at each other. Meanwhile, James steps outside for some fresh air, until he sees Adena again and the two of them have a cute little moment with each other.**

 _ **Adena: I've always had a thing for musicians.**_

 _ **James Griswold: Well, good because I've always had a thing for pretty girls.**_

 _ **Adena: Well played./So, what do you feel like doing?**_

 _ **James Griswold: Heh. I don't know. Can…Can I give you a rim job?**_

 **(Adena's eyes widened in surprise)**

 **** _ **Adena: Whoa.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **plays)**

 _ **Yakko: Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Are you kidding me, dude? You can't tell that to a pretty girl. Just be glad you didn't get slapped in the face or yelled at. What's wrong with you?**

"Has he been taking lessons from John Barrowman from S _hark Attack 3: Megalodon_?" Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Shark Attack 3: Megalodon**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ben Carpenter (Played by John Barrowman): What do you say I… take you home and eat your (beep)?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Adena suggest that her and James should kiss, until Kevin interrupts them to humiliate James some more.**

 _ **Kevin Griswold: You were about to let that dingus kiss you?**_

 _ **James Griswold: Shut up, Kevin.**_

 _ **Adena: Who is that?**_

 _ **James Griswold: My stupid little brother.**_

 _ **Adena: I thought you said that he was your big brother.**_

 _ **James Griswold: I - -**_

 **(Kevin throws another rock at James' head)**

 _ **James Griswold: Damn it!**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Dingus.**_

"Alright, I have enough of this little shit picking on his older brother. Dude, nut the fuck up and beat the shit out of this little asshole!" Sean yelled.

 _ **James Griswold: You know what? Fuck it.**_

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Okay, so you want to do this now? Bring it, bitch.**_

 **(James pushes Kevin down on the ground)**

 _ **Kevin Griswold: Wait, wait? No, no, no.**_

 **(James keeps pushing Kevin down on the ground. Later, we cut to Kevin and James laying in bed with Kevin laying in the feedle position)**

"Thank you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The family arrives at the Grand Canyon. And since Clark and his family barely had a chance to look at it. And since the new vacation is different than the original, they're gonna do a whole lot more than look. They're gonna go whitewater rafting and they're greeted by a Grand Canyon rafting guide named Chad, played hilariously by Charlie Day, another actor from** _ **It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia**_ **.**

"Okay, so we have two actors from _It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia_ in this movie. I swear if Rob McElhenney and Glenn Howerton are in this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It turns out that Chad is a really laid-back and fun-loving guide. Nothing can bring him down. Except for a phone call from his fiancée to call him and tell him that she's dumping him.**

 _ **Chad (Played by Charlie Day) Goddamn it!**_

 **(Chad throws his phone into the water. He then screams and sobs)**

 _ **Chad: Who's ready to go on the river?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Um, are you okay, Chad?**_

 _ **Chad: Oh, yeah. Turns out I'm not engaged anymore. So… All aboard.**_

"Oh, God. This won't turn out well." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While rafting, Chad tends to be suicidal and nearly kills Rusty and his family by going through the rapid water.**

 **(Rusty and his family jump out of the raft as Chad goes down the waterfall and screams)**

"Well, that's just great. Now Charlie Day won't be on _Pacific Rim 3_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After nearly getting killed by suicidal rafting guide and their trip becoming one disaster after another, Debbie, James and Kevin decide to go home. But Rusty, about one step closer to flipping out like his father want to continue the trip. Then, the SUV runs out of gas in the middle of the desert and Rusty deserves the Dumbass of the Year award because he keeps pressing buttons on the fob, causing the windows on the car to shatter and the muffin button causing the car to drive on it's own and explode.**

 **(The SUV explodes)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: All right, we can handle this.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Oh, no, no, no. Please don't say that. Do not say that we can handle this, Russ. Okay?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: We can.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: No, we can't! We can't! From the moment we left for this trip, nothing has gone right. Can you please just admit that this was a mistake?**_

"How long until Rusty flips out like his dad?" Sean asked.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: We just all have to… (Inhales heavily and grunts) Fuck me! I give up! All I wanted to do was take my fucking family on a fucking trip to Walley World, and ride the fucking Velociraptor!**_

 **(Tries to kick a tumbleweed, but instead ends up kicking a rock)**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Ow. There's a rock in that./What do I get? Kids who don't wanna be with me, and a wife who's miserable.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Russ…**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Oh, come on, Debbie. You know it's true. You think you settled for me. You think I'm a loser regional pilot. Well, guess what. I get offers from international carriers all the time and I turned them down. Why? Because I don't wanna be away from you and the kids that long. I'm an idiot. I should take one of those jobs and fly off to the Pyramids of Zambezi and the Lost Gardens of wherever the fuck! Just forget it. Forget this whole stupid trip. You people are on your own.**_

"Well, movie's over. Roll credits." Sean said.

 **(The end credits are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm kidding. Rusty tries to walk off on his own until, the truck driver that's stalking Rusty and his family returns and goes after Rusty. And this is turning into a really bad remake of Steven Spielberg's** _ **Duel**_ **. We then see that the truck driver is played by none other than Norman Reedus aka Daryl from AMC's** _ **The Walking Dead**_ **.**

"Oh, this movie's about to get better. He's gonna kill that spastic little gremlin." Sean said as he starts eating a bucket of popcorn.

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Don't you kill him!**_

 _ **James Griswold: Dad!**_

"Do it! Do it!" Sean yelled.

 _ **Rusty Griswold: When I called you a pedophile, I was…**_

 **(The truck driver reaches inside his jacket)**

 **Sean: (V/O) BLOW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!**

 **(The truck driver pulls out a ring)**

"Oh, dear God. Please tell me you're not proposing to that guy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, it turns out to be Debbie's wedding ring that she left at the truck stop in Missouri. So, he followed Rusty and his family to return it to him. So, he wasn't trying to kill them. (Tries not to cry) Damn it.**

 _ **Trucker (Played by Norman Reedus): Where you headed?**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: Um. Home, I guess.**_

 _ **Trucker: Well, I can take you as far as San Francisco. Will that help?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Yeah. Yeah, that'll work.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Giving up on their trip to Walley World, Rusty and his family decide to call it quits and stop off at a bed and breakfast, where we see that it's run by two familiar faces.**

 **(A picture of Harold Ramis and a picture of John Hughes pop up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) No, they're both dead.**

 _ **Furious Husband (Played by R.F. Daley): Do not stay here. It's the worst bed and breakfast we've ever been to.**_

 _ **Furious Wife (Played by Elizabeth Fendrick): They ought to shut this place down. The owner is a lunatic.**_

 _ **Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): You all come back now, you hear? (Chuckles and sees Rusty and his family) Hey, look who made it. Ellen! Oh, there you are. They're here.**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: Hi, dad.**_

"Oh, sweet mother of Christ on a cracker and Sister Mary's face on a piece of toast. What has happened to you, Chevy? You look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) To throw in some more nostalgia since we didn't get enough, we get a cameo from Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo as Clark and Ellen Griswold and to be honest, it's one of the film's more lackluster elements.**

"But the good thing about this scene, Beverly D'Angelo is looking good for a woman in her 60s. I wish I could say the same about Chevy. I mean, he's lost his touch." Sean said.

 _ **Clark Griswold: We're occupied right now. Beat it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and Clark and Ellen mention something about Stone and Audrey's marriage.**

 _ **Ellen Griswold (Played by Beverly D'Angelo): Their marriage is a sham.**_

 _ **Debbie Griswold: What?**_

 _ **Clark Griswold: Well, they sleep around with each other. Been doing it for years.**_

"So, Audrey and Stone are swingers?" Sean asked.

"Don't you mean "Slingers"?" Dave asked.

"No, I meant "swingers" not "Slingers"." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Debbie and Rusty confront each other about their marriage after Rusty finds out that Debbie is reading a book to see if their marriage is dying so they talk about their stale marriage and decide to start all over again. You know, I'm getting bored here, can we get on with it? Please? The next day, Rusty tells his dad that him and his family are flying back to Chicago because the trip to Walley World has been a complete nightmare. And then, Clark gives his son some encouraging words of wisdom.**

 _ **Clark Griswold: The journey sucks. That's what makes you appreciate the destination. You had a dream to take your family to Walley World. Never let that go. I know I didn't**_

"Says the man who had a complete mental breakdown in his car in front of his family." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **National Lampoon's Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Clark Griswold (Played by Chevy Chase): Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, right after Clark finishes trying his best to be funny, he gives him the keys to the Wagon Queen Family Truckster that he still kept since he hasn't mentioned it in the past three films. I guess that Goldstein and Daley just want to throw that nostalgia splooge in our faces. We get Lindsey Buckingham's** _ **Holiday Road playing**_ **as Rusty drives Debbie and his sons to Walley World. And as they arrive, they end up waiting in a long-ass line to ride the Velociraptor.**

"Boy, I never waited this long to ride the Diamondback at Kings Island. I'm kidding. I did. But I never waited this long to ride either the Vortex or Flight of Fear." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after spending an entire day of waiting in line, Rusty and his family are about to ride the Velociraptor until they are cut off by that douchebag from the beginning of the movie and his family and Rusty confronts the guy.**

 _ **Rusty Griswold: You just cut in front of us.**_

 _ **Ethan (Played by Ron Livingston): (Chuckles) No, see, we bought the Platinum Pass so we get to skip the lines. Fifth time today on this one.**_

"Damn Fast Line people skipping lines. They think that they're so damn special." Sean said.

 _ **Ethan: All right, I'll tell you what. Why don't you and your family go fuck yourselves?**_

"Oh! Oh! No! No! No! Rusty, you put your wife and sons through Hell and back just to go to Walley World and you're gonna let this asshole punk you out in front of your family? Dude, nut up and kick his fucking ass!" Sean yelled.

 **(Rusty punches Ethan in the face)**

 _ **Ethan: Okay. You're a dead man.**_

"Oh, this is gonna be good!" Sean exclaimed as he starts eating some popcorn while watching the fight scene.

 **(A fight breaks out between Rusty, Debbie, Kevin and James and Ethan and his family while everybody watches, including the ride operator, played by John Francis Daley)**

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Kevin throws a plastic bag over Ethan's head and tries to suffocate him and Debbie stops him)**

 _ **Debbie Griswold: No, Kevin. Kevin, no.**_

"Hey, oh, oh, oh, no. Don't do that, kid." Sean said.

 _ **Ethan: What kind of family are you?**_

 _ **Rusty Griswold: We're the Griswolds.**_

"MOTHERFUCKA!" Sean yelled out in the microphone before doing a mike drop and leaving the room. "Goodnight, everybody! You've been great!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after the Griswolds win the fight, Ethan and his family flee and the Griswolds finally board the ride and they're in for the ride of their lives.**

 **(Kevin starts humming Seal's** _ **Kiss From a Rose**_ **)**

"Wait, it's that time. Oh, yeah! It's Seal time!" Sean said.

 _ **Debbie, James and Kevin: (Singing) There used to be a graying tower. Alone on the sea.**_

We see Sean joining and starts singing, along with Brian.

 **(The** _ **Kiss From a Rose**_ **music video starts playing)**

 **(We then see the roller coaster going while** _ **Kiss From a Rose**_ **starts playing until the ride stalls halfway up a loop)**

"Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. Uh, that was not supposed to happen." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After being rescued after several hours of being stuck in a loop, it's time to end our vacation with Rusty and his family heading back to Chicago, well just James and Kevin heading back to Chicago where the Petersons will look after them. And Rusty and Debbie decide to have some alone time together since Rusty used his airline connections to book a vacation in Paris. And so the film ends with photos just like the original Vacation. We see a photo of Rusty and Debbie in Paris and he gets his picture taken with Seal, Chad still alive after his brush with death and a photo of Stone and Audrey and dude put some pants on, I can see your stormbreaker poking out. And we get** _ **Holiday Road**_ **performed by the Zac Brown Band and I like this one but I like Lindsey Buckingham's version better. And the** _ **Walley World Theme**_ **performed by Mark Mothersbaugh.**

"And that was _Vacation_ and well, I kinda liked it." Sean said before footage from the film plays.

 **(Clips from** _ **Vacation**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I liked the original, I found this movie to be quite enjoyable. But I have a few gripes about this movie which pushes the envelope like gross-out humor and sexual jokes and that little brother being an asshole to his older brother and this movie can be mean-spirited at times. The movie was kind of a letdown. But I did enjoy some of the performances and some of the funny moments that had me cracking up. My favorite was Christina Applegate. She had me cracking up on the Chug Run scene and that was one of my favorite moments from the film and I should've added that to the** _ **Top 11 Funniest Vacation Moments**_ **. I especially liked Chris Hemsworth on the film as well. But what can I say about Ed Helms? Well as much as I liked him in The Hangover movies, well I know I'm gonna sound crazy for saying this but I found him to be quite enjoyable in playing the role of Rusty Griswold and they made his character a complete doofus. A comedy that pushes the envelope, and trust me this is coming from the same guys that made Aunt May say this line.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Spider-Man: Homecoming**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Aunt May Parker (Played by Marisa Tomei): (After she sees Peter in the Spider-Man suit) What the fu…**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I give Vacation 3 Tartan Prancers out of 5.**

"And that is all for _The Summer of Vacation_ and thank you all for joining me. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I hope that you all have a great summer. Just try not to get into fights at theme parks." Sean said before leaving the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **We're the Griswolds.**_

 **And that's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Vacation 2015**_ **and that was the end of The Summer of Vacation. I hope that you all enjoyed it. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the best James Bond movie ever. Of course, I'm talking about Pierce Brosnan's first entry as James Bond in the 1995 film** _ **GoldenEye**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also which review should I do after** _ **GoldenEye**_ **? Should I do Sean's Story Arc where I review the** _ **Superman: The Animated Series/Batman: The Animated Series**_ **crossover episode** _ **World's Finest**_ **or should I review** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **and rant about it? Pick which one should I do next. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	30. Episode Twenty-Seven: GoldenEye

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, ladies and gentlemen. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1995 film** _ **GoldenEye**_ **. Is it the best Bond movie ever? We'll find out today in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax, grab yourself an ice-cold glass of Wild Cherry Pepsi and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As mentioned before, I do not own anything involved with this review. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **GoldenEye**_ **is owned by United Artists and Eon Productions.**

 **Episode Twenty-Seven**

 **GoldenEye**

We open with the traditional James Bond gun barrel sequence and we see Sean aka the Mayhem Critic wearing a tuxedo walking, turning and then firing his Beretta 92FS pistol directly at the camera, causing blood to run down the screen while John Barry's rendition of the James Bond theme is playing throughout the scene.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't you dare get any blood on the carpet." Sean warned.

The gun barrel dissolves to a white dot, which moves across the screen from side-to-side and settles in the corner until the white circular cutout expands to reveal the full view of the scene until we see Sean sitting in on the couch in his living room while wearing a tuxedo and drinking a medium dry martini with a lemon peel. Shaken, not stirred.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. The name's Archer, Sean J. Archer. 00 Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about James Bond." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the James Bond movies play out)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Created in 1953 by British novelist Ian Fleming has dazzled movie goers in 1962 with** _ **Dr. No**_ **starring Sean Connery. James Bond is a suave, sophisticated British agent who's badass, kills you on the spot before you could even blink, witty and he's a bit of a fuckboy with the ladies. Who am I kidding? He's a huge fuckboy! This dude is Lucas Friar, Archie Andrews, Lucas Scott, John Tucker and Wilt Chamberlain combined!**

 **(Photos of Peyton Meyer as Lucas Friar, KJ Apa as Archie Andrews, Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott, Jesse Metcalfe as John Tucker and basketball player Wilt Chamberlain pop up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, he's still fucking awesome. I love all of the James Bond movies. Well, there are some that I don't like and I don't want to spend this whole review talking about which ones are my favorites and which ones are my least favorite.**

"But my first experience with James Bond was the video game _GoldenEye 64_ on the Nintendo 64." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **GoldenEye 64**_ **is shown)  
**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I don't think I've never told anyone this story before, I was around seven years old and I went to my local Blockbuster video store with my mom and I rented** _ **GoldenEye**_ **on the Nintendo 64. I'll never forget being in my room playing the game and falling in love with it and playing a multiplayer match with my mom. And in the 6** **th** **grade, my grandmother, God rest her soul, she went to GameStop at Brentwood Plaza and bought the game for me as an early Christmas present and I played the shit out of that game and I spent months and years playing that game and I still have it, along with** _ **GoldenEye Reloaded**_ **on the PS3, which I thought it was okay, but** _ **GoldenEye**_ **64 is still the king.**

"So, at the age of seven, I was in my room flipping through channel to channel. It was 1999, and it was before we had cable. And on NBC, they were showing the movie _GoldenEye_. And when I watched the actual movie, I can see the locations like the Dam level, the Facility level, the Runway level and the Cradle level where I knocked Sean Bean's ass off multiple times. And speaking of James Bond, let's talk about _GoldenEye_." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 17, 1995,** _ **GoldenEye**_ **marks the seventeenth film in the Bond film series and the return of James Bond. But before we talk about James Bond in the 90s, let's go back to 80s, shall we?**

 **(Footage from** _ **A View to a Kill**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in 1985, the late Roger Moore ended his role as James Bond in a weird note with** _ **A View to a Kill**_ **and boy, did that movie suck. It was because Roger Moore was in his 50s or 60s playing Bond and he was getting old. I mean who wants to see James Bond making out with woman who are like in their 20s or 30s? Ewww. So, they needed a new Bond who's younger and their top contender for the role of Bond was this guy.**

 **(A picture of Pierce Brosnan from** _ **Remington Steele**_ **and footage from** _ **Remington Steele**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yep. Pierce Brosnan who was starring in the TV show Remington Steele, in which he plays very James Bond-like character. The show got cancelled and Brosnan was available to get the job. Hell, he even did a James Bond-like spoof in a Diet Coke commercial.**

 **(Pierce Brosnan's Diet Coke commercial is shown)**

 _ **Pierce Brosnan: Diet Coke. Tastes great straight.**_

 **(A ninja fires a dart, hitting the Diet Coke can as the cola pours into two glasses filled with ice)**

 _ **Pierce Brosnan: Or on the rock. And yet it's just one calorie. That's why Diet Coke is the perfect soft drink…**_

 **(Throws an ice cube down on the floor as the ninja tries to kill him but fails and flies out of the window)**

 _ **Pierce Brosnan: For an imperfect world.**_

 _ **Singer: Just for the taste of it.**_

 _ **Singers: Diet Coke.**_

 **(Pierce looks at the camera after taking a sip and gives a wink and a smile)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Brosnan got the part and was going to star in the new James Bond movie, until the producers of** _ **Remington Steele**_ **renewed the show on the last day of Pierce's contract and Brosnan was out as Bond. And guess who became the new Bond.**

 **(A photo of Timothy Dalton as James Bond is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Timothy Dalton, a Welsh actor who's more used to playing Shakespeare.**

"And what do I have to say about Dalton? To be honest, I thought he was alright as James Bond." Sean said.

 **(Clips from The Living Daylights and License to Kill is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that half of the world loved Sean Connery as James Bond and the other half of the world loved Roger Moore as James Bond and pretty much everyone wanted Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. Timothy Dalton took Bond to a whole new level and fans seem to love this new approach of a gritty Bond and a few audience were not fans of a darker Bond and I loved this interpretation of Bond and** _ **License to Kill**_ **was my second favorite because it was dark, gritty and violent and was the first James Bond movie to be rated PG-13. We got a censored version and an uncut version that was released later in the Ultimate Edition of the James Bond DVDs. I consider this to be an overlooked gem and I will be doing a review of the movie in the future. After** _ **License to Kill**_ **was released in 1989, we were heading into the 90s and the Cold War was over, the Berlin Wall had fallen, Russia was considered no longer a threat and** _ **Batman**_ **,** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **and** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **were released. Filmmakers were originally going to release Timothy Dalton's third movie as James Bond in 1991, but due to financial troubles and lawsuits Dalton bowed out as Bond and it was unlikely for our favorite British agent to ever return until June of 1994, guess who stepped in?**

 **(A clip from the** _ **GoldenEye**_ **trailer is shown)**

 **James Bond (Played by Pierce Brosnan): You were expecting someone else?**

"Interesting challenge, how to make a post-Cold War Bond film?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we got out new James Bond. Brosnan was everybody's favorite choice and how do we do a post-Cold War Bond film in the 90s and the film was called** _ **GoldenEy**_ **e, named after Ian Fleming's estate in Jamaica, where he wrote his Bond novels. We have the late Albert R. "Cubby" Broccoli, who was well in his 80s at the time, handing the mantle over to his daughter and stepson Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson to produce the movie and they're still producing Bond films to this day. And what post-Cold War Bond movie needs is a great storyline and a few good writers. The movie was written by the late Michael France, an American screenwriter who wrote the screenplay for the film** _ **Cliffhanger**_ **and three Marvel superhero films,** _ **Hulk**_ **in 2003,** _ **The Punisher**_ **in 2004 and** _ **Fanstastic Four**_ **in 2005. And doing the screenplay was American screenwriter and humorist Bruce Feirstein along with British writer and actor Jeffrey Caine. Feirstein is known for writing two more Bond films** _ **Tomorrow Never Dies**_ **and** _ **The World is Not Enough**_ **and Jeffrey Caine is known for writing the screenplay for The Constant Gardener. And with the previous five Bond films had all been directed by John Glen, the film was directed by New Zealand director Martin Campbell, who directed the 1988 Kevin Bacon/Gary Oldman courtroom thriller** _ **Criminal Law**_ **, the 1994 Ray Liotta movie** _ **No Escape,**_ _ **The Mask of Zorro**_ **in 1998 starring Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins and…**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **The Haunting**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: Catherine Zeta-Jones!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And he also directed** _ **The Legend of Zorro**_ **and that stupid** _ **Green Lantern**_ **movie starring Ryan Reynolds and we do not want to talk about it.**

"So, will James Bond work in this modern-day setting? Well, let's take a look at _GoldenEye_ to find out." Sean said.

 **(The film starts and we get our new gun barrel sequence with our new Bond)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with a snazzy-new CG gun barrel sequence and then the film immediately starts with a fantastic and thrilling opening, where we see Bond infiltrating a weapons facility at Arkhangelsk and Bond jumps off a dam in one of the most memorable and amazing stunts in the franchise. Oh, and before I forget, it's taking place in 1986. As Bond makes his way into the facility, we get some small glimpses of Bond's face before we are introduced to our new James Bond, played by Pierce Brosnan.**

 **(The Russian soldier is sitting in a toilet stall, reading a newspaper, looks over and sees Bond hanging upside down)**

 **** _ **James Bond (Played by Pierce Brosnan): Beg your pardon, forgot to knock.**_

 **(Bond knocks out the Russian guard and climbs out of the stall)**

"Well, that's one way to make an entrance. I mean, wouldn't it be awkward if Bond caught the guy masturbating to August Ames or Scarlett Sage? Oh, right. Internet porn wasn't invented yet and August Ames and Scarlett Sage weren't born yet and this is 1986." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond makes his way into the facility and meets up with fellow agent 006 Alec Trevelyan, played by Sean Bean.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan (Played by Sean Bean): James, for England.**_

 _ **James Bond: For England, Alec.**_

"Sean Bean in a James Bond movie? Nice. Also, how long until Sean Bean dies in this movie? I feel like it's going to be a really short role for him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Bond and Trevelyan are infiltrating the weapon's facility and while they're planting explosives on the gas tanks, they trigger the alarm and a bunch of Russian guards show up, as well as Colonel Arkady Ourumov, played by the late Gottfried John, who's German and the soundtrack kicks off.**

 **(Eric Serra's music score plays throughout the scene while Trevelyan gets into a shootout with the Russian guards)**

"Alright, now I know that a lot of people are going to hate me for this but I love Eric Serra's music score. A lot of people felt that the industrial synth of the music felt a bit out of place for a Bond film but the _GoldenEye Overture_ breathes such energy to the movie." Sean said.

 **(Pictures of composer Eric Serra pop up and clips of the movies** _ **La Femme Nikita,**_ _ **The Professional**_ **and** _ **The Fifth Element**_ **are shown as well)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) His music for the movie is pretty underrated. Eric Serra also composed music for a couple of films from Luc Besson like** _ **La Femme Nikita**_ **,** _ **The Fifth Element**_ **and my favorite movie** _ **The Professional**_ **. By the way,** _ **The Professional**_ **came out a year before** _ **GoldenEye**_ **was released and watching that movie and** _ **The Fifth Element,**_ **I am reminded of** _ **GoldenEye**_ **, as well as the video game on the Nintendo 64 when I listen to Grant Kirkhope's music score. Anyway, despite shooting some guards and Bond arming some bombs, Bond is soon cornered by Ourumov, who is holding Trevelyan at gunpoint, forcing Bond to surrender.**

 _ **Colonel Arkady Ourumov (Played by the late Gottfried John): 5, 4, 3, 2…**_

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: For England, James!**_

 **(Ourumov shoots and kills Trevelyan)**

"Every fucking time! See, this is why you should never put Sean Bean in a movie. He tends to die every time. He's been shot, stabbed, chased off a cliff by a herd of cows, buried alive, quartered by horses while suffering from the plague, beheaded, impaled on a boat anchor by Harrison Ford and blown up and shot with arrows by Uruk-hai. I guess you can add shot by a German who's playing a Russian to the list of The Many Deaths of Sean Bean." Sean said.

 **(The Russian solders shoot at Bond after he takes cover behind the gas tanks)**

 _ **Colonel Arkady Ourumov: Hold your fire! You'll blow the gas tanks!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Hunt for Red October**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Marko Ramius (Played by Sean Connery): Some thing in here don't react well to bullets.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Bond makes an amusing escape.**

 **(Bond hides behind a metal cage filled with barrels and moves over to the conveyor belt while the Russian soldiers keep their guns trained on him)**

 _ **Colonel Arkady Ourumov: You can't win.**_

 **(Bond presses a button, turning on the conveyor belt and jumps on the conveyor belt and starts firing his AKS-7U at the giant cage holding aluminum barrels, releasing the barrels as the fall on the Russian soldiers)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond makes his escape in a typical Bond fashion and…. okay, what's with the sudden location change? Bond goes from the dam to the top of a mountain. So, he bungee jumped from off of a dam, makes his way down into a facility, down into a toilet, down some stairs, meets up with 006 and they go down another hatch together, then up out of the hatch and down some more stairs and yet he ends up all the way on top of a mountain and it's snowing.**

"Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that one." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **License to Kill**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Pam Bouvier (Played by Carey Lowell): Bullshit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets into a shootout with some of the Russian soldier and runs out on the runway to chase a plane and onto a motorcycle to catch up with it while Ourumov orders his men to stop shooting.**

 _ **Colonel Arkady Ourumov: Wait!**_

 **(Ourumov and his men stop chasing Bond and watch him go after the plane)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Ourumov) Hold your fire! There's no way we can possibly hit this British agent while he's on a motorcycle.**

 **(Carson, as one of the Russian soldiers, fires his AK-47 at Bond)**

 **Sean: (as Ourumov) Yuri! Yuri, I told you to hold your fire, you motherfucker!**

 **(Sean shoots Carson with his pistol)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond catches up with the plane as it goes off the runway and we get a dated blue screen effect, then Bond enters the plane and tries to pull up before he pulls a Harrison Ford and Launchpad McQuack.**

 **(Bond tries to pull the plane up while it's going down)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up!**

 **(The plane pulls up and Bond flies away as the weapons facility explodes)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After our thrilling and exciting opening sequence, we get our main title sequence brilliantly done by Daniel Kleinman and this is the first Bond movie that he's done since the late Maurice Binder has done the main titles for the past Bond movies. This is also the final movie for special effects designer Derek Meddings, in which the film was dedicated to. We also get our new title song sung by Tina Turner.**

 **(Tina Turner's** _ **GoldenEye**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, this is my favorite opening title in the Bond film series. Maurice Binder's classic opening titles of the past with the silhouetted dancing hot chicks, the bright colors and the excitement of catching a glimpse of a nipple in a PG-Bond movie but I really love Daniel Kleinman's work on the modern-day openings and this was his best work. We see that the end of the Cold War is symbolically portrayed and we still get the dancing hot chicks. One of the title sequences and songs of all time along with** _ **The Living Daylights, Casino Royale, The Living Daylights, The Spy Who Loved Me, License to Kill, For Your Eyes Only**_ **and** _ **Skyfall**_ **. After the main titles are over, we jump ahead to nine years later, meaning that it's 1995 and we see Bond driving the classic Aston Martin DB5 for the first time since** _ **Thunderball**_ **. Taking place after the events of** _ **License to Kill**_ **, Bond is being evaluated by an MI6 psychological and psychiatric evaluator named Caroline, played by Serena Gordon.**

 _ **Caroline (Played by Serena Gordon): James, is it really necessary to drive quite so fast?**_

 _ **James Bond: More often than you think.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And while he's being evaluated, Bond comes across a saucy little vixen in a red Ferrari, played by Famke Janssen aka Jean Grey from the X-Men movies before she passed the torch down to Sophie Turner from Game of Thrones.**

 _ **Caroline: (After Bond sees the woman in the red Ferrari) Who's that?**_

 _ **James Bond: The next girl.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the two get into a race with each other and I like this scene but my only problem is the music. I mean, seriously. I know that I like Eric Serra's music score for this movie but this seems a little out of place for a Bond movie. It doesn't fit the scene at all, it seems more suitable for** _ **Mario Kart 64**_ **.**

 **(Footage from** _ **Mario Kart 64**_ **is shown with the stage Rainbow Road while Eric Serra's score replacing the Rainbow Road theme)**

"In fact, let me change the music for this scene." Sean said as he picks up the remote to change the music.

 **(Lindsey Buckingham's** _ **Holiday Road**_ **starts playing throughout the scene, replacing Eric Serra's music score)**

 _ **Bill Tanner (Played by Michael Kitchen): What the bloody hell was that?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) By the way, that's director Martin Campbell making a cameo as one of the bicyclist in the scene. Caroline orders Bond to stop the car, in which he does and he ends up seducing her to get a good evaluation.**

 _ **Caroline: James, you're incorrigible. What am I going to do with you?**_

 _ **James Bond: Well, let's toast to your evaluation, shall we?**_

 **(Bond kisses Caroline and we then cut to a romantic scene overlooking Monte Carlo)**

 _ **James Bond: A very thorough evaluation.**_

 **(Caroline laughs)**

"Well, that's one way to get a good evaluation by sleeping with a woman who's evaluating you. If that happened today, then that would be called sexual harassment." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Bond heads to a casino, where he bumps into the woman in the red Ferrari and they play a little game of baccarat. And he beats her and we get some amusing dialogue from the two.**

 _ **Xenia Onatopp (Played by Famke Janssen): I hope the third is where your real talent lies.**_

 _ **James Bond: One rises to meet a challenge.**_

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: Enjoy it while it lasts.**_

 _ **James Bond: The very words I live by.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Bond gives his big introduction to the woman and we get her name.**

 _ **James Bond: The name is Bond. James Bond.**_

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: Xenia Zaragevna Onatopp.**_

 _ **James Bond: Onatopp?**_

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: Onatopp.**_

"Onatopp?" Sean asked, raising his eyebrow. "I guess she likes being Onatopp of things."

A comedic rimshot and laughter is not heard but instead we hear the sound of a cricket chirping.

"Get it? Her last name is Onatopp and she likes to be Onatopp of things. Yeah, eat my shorts." Sean said, rolling his eyes in frustration.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, did I mention that Famke Janssen is Dutch? A Dutch model and actress playing a Georgian in a Bond movie. And I just like to say something about Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp, she's one of my favorite femme fatales in a Bond movie, along with Barbara Carrera as Fatima Blush in** _ **Never Say Never Again**_ **. As much as I like her as Jean Grey in the** _ **X-Men**_ **movies, I love her character she's sexy and she's lethal and you can see why in a couple of minutes. Anyway, Bond has a hunch and he starts shadowing her as he spots her with a Canadian Naval Officer. We learn that Ms. Onatopp was an Ex-Soviet fighter pilot and that she works for a criminal organization known as the Janus crime syndicate and boy do we get to know a lot more about her.**

 **(We see that Xenia is about to have sex with the Canadian Naval Officer named Admiral Chuck Farrell, played by the late Billy J. Mitchell)**

"Oh, snap. Seems Xenia is a real freak in the sheets. Boy, that's one woman that I should have a threesome with both her and Taylor. That would be one wild and hot threesome." Sean smiled.

 **(Xenia rolls over, this time with Admiral Farrell on top of her. She wraps her legs around the admiral and crushes him to death with her thighs)**

"Oh, shit!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Admiral Chuck Farrell (Played by the late Billy J. Mitchell): Xenia, I can't breathe!**_

"Okay. I change my mind about that threesome. Um, I'd rather have a threesome with Taylor and her friend Dayton. At least they won't kill me with their legs." Sean said.

"I know Cheryl and her friends, Veronica and Betty wouldn't try that on me." Brian said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Goldfinger**_ **and** _ **The Spy Who Loved Me**_ **are shown before going back to clips of** _ **GoldenEye**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Oddjob from** _ **Goldfinger**_ **had his hat. Jaws from** _ **The Spy Who Loved Me**_ **has his metal teeth. Now, Xenia has her thighs to kill you. Out of all the ways to getting killed by a Bond villain, I would rather pick the Onatopp death because I want to die knowing that I had a good time with that chick.**

 _ **James Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Xenia kills the admiral with her thighs and we see that he has his credential stolen by Ourumov. The next day, Bond snoops around the Manticore and dispatches a goon in the most badass way.**

 **(Bond takes out the goon by hitting him in the face with a towel and throws him down the stairs. Then, Bond uses the towel to wipe the sweat off of his face. The 007 Bond move theme from** _ **007: Agent Under Fire**_ **plays and the 007 symbol is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond finds Admiral Farrell's corpse and heads down to the French Navy destroyer, where Ourumov and Xenia are planning to steal the Tiger helicopter. An apache helicopter that can withstand the blast of an electromagnetic radiation. Then, Xenia kills two helicopter pilots in a not so subtle way.**

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: I have a small surprise from your friends back at the barracks.**_

 _ **Capt. Bernard Jauber – Tiger Helicopter Pilot (Played by Wayne Michaels): I think I've gone to heaven.**_

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: Not yet.**_

 **(Xenia shoots and kills two of the Tiger Helicopter pilots with a nickel-finish Astra Cub pistol fitted with a suppressor)**

"Great, I can clearly hear the loud gunshot, even though she has a suppressor fitted on the pistol. Suppressed weapons aren't supposed to make loud noises. Did sound editor Jim Shields make a goof-up on that scene?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ourumov and Xenia manage to succeed with their plan as they steal the helicopter and Bond tries to stop them but fails when he is stopped and unable to prevent it. We then cut to a space weapons control center in Severnaya, Russia, where we are introduced to our Bond girl and possibly one of my favorites in the series, Natalya Simonova played by Polish actress, singer and model Izabella Scorupco, who you might recognize her as Sarah in** _ **Exorcist: The Beginning**_ **and also the geeky computer hacker Boris Grishenko, played hilariously by Scottish-American actor Alan Cumming, who you might recognize him as Fegan Floop in the** _ **Spy Kids**_ **trilogy, Nightcrawler in** _ **X2: X-Men United**_ **and as Peter Florrick's campaign strategist and crisis manager Eli Gold in the CBS drama** _ **The Good Wife**_ **. We see that Boris always plays these little word games that has to do with these passwords and it becomes a part of the story.**

 _ **Boris Grishenko (Played by Alan Cumming): They are right in front of you and can open very large doors.**_

 **(Natalya types in the password. The password is revealed to be "Knockers")**

 _ **Natalya Simonova (Played by Izabella Scorupco): You're such a geek!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And he has this little catchphrase that he always says.**

 _ **Boris Grishenko: I am invincible!**_

"Sounds like me every time I finish binging on all seven seasons of _Pretty Little Liars_ and two seasons of _Riverdale_ on Netflix or when I have a good night with Taylor." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean and Taylor are laying in bed after having sex and the two are catching their breath)**

 **Taylor: Wo…wow… Sean. That was amazing.**

 **Sean: Yes, I am invincible!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Xenia and Ourumov, who's now a general, arrive at the bunker with their stolen Tiger helicopter and they're revealed to be working for the Janus crime syndicate. General Ourumov is about to test the GoldenEye satellite until…**

 **(Xenia starts massacring the staff with an AKS-74U)**

"JESUS!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Xenia continues to kill everybody, then gets aroused during the process)**

 **(A clip from** _ **When Harry Met Sally…**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Older Woman Customer (Played by the late Estelle Reiner): I'll have what she's having.**_

"A bit over the top, don't you think lady?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) General Ourumov and Xenia steal the control disk for a space weapon called GoldenEye, a Soviet electromagnetic pulse weapon from the Cold War. The pair set the target location on Severnaya and escape in their EMP-withstanding helicopter. As for Natalya, well luckily she has her caffeine fix and witnessed the massacre and hid from Xenia and Ourumov. Meanwhile, back in London and in the real-life MI6 Headquarters at Foxhole Cross, where we're introduced to our new Moneypenny, played by Samantha Bond. And we see that this Moneypenny is a woman of the 90s.**

 _ **Moneypenny (Played by Samantha Bond): As far as I can remember, James, you've never had me.**_

 _ **James Bond: Hope springs eternal.**_

 _ **Moneypenny: You know, this sort of behavior could qualify as sexual harassment.**_

"Finally! Thank God, someone finally pointed it out! It took 17 movies for one woman to speak up. And what's going on in the world today with people like Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Chris Savino and John Lassetter. Thank you, Moneypenny. Thank you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We are then introduced to our new Bill Tanner, played by Michael Kitchen and our new M played brilliantly by Judi Dench.**

 _ **Bill Tanner (Played by Michael Kitchen): Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the evil Queen of Numbers won't let you play it.**_

 **(Bond clears his throat and Tanner turns around and sees M standing behind him and Bond)**

 _ **M (Played by Judi Dench): You were saying?**_

 _ **Bill Tanner: No, no. I was just…uh…just…uh…**_

 _ **M: Good. Because if I want sarcasm, I'll talk to my children, thank you very much.**_

"Ooh, Tanner! Need some aloe vera for that burn? And fun fact: there was a female MI6 Director, who I think this new M is based off of." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond, M and Tanner watch as the satellite goes off in Severnaya as the base gets hit by an electromagnetic pulse in an awesome scene with great explosions and visual effects and it becomes a bad day at the office for Natalya. We then get an emotional scene in which Natalya mourns the death of her co-workers until the satellite comes crashing down and Natalya climbs out of the bunker and walks out in the cold while looking for a missing Boris. We then get a brilliant scene in which M gives Bond his assignment.**

 _ **M: You don't like me, Bond. You don't like my methods. You think I am an accountant. A bean counter, more interested in numbers than my instincts.**_

 _ **James Bond: The thought had occurred to me.**_

 _ **M: Good. Because I think you are a sexist, misogynist dinosaur.**_

Sean starts applauding slowly until his applause increases.

"Way to go, Dame Judi. Way to tell that sexist pig!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **M: I want you to find GoldenEye. Find who took it, what they plan to do with it, and stop it. And if you should come across Ourumov, guilty or not I don't want you running off on some kind of vendetta. Avenging Alec Trevelyan will not bring him back.**_

 _ **James Bond: You didn't get him killed.**_

 _ **M: Neither did you. Don't make it personal.**_

"Easy for you to say. Look what happened to the last guy that pissed Bond off, and his ass got caught on fire and burned to death before exploding." Sean said as he makes a reference to Franz Sanchez' death in _License to Kill_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) M tells Bond to be careful and before he could go to Russia, it's time for Bond to visit good ol' Q Branch for some of his new gadgets for the mission. And returning to play Q is the late Desmond Llewellyn.**

 _ **James Bond: Morning, Q. Sorry about the leg. Skiiing?**_

 **(Q fires a rocket from out of the cast leg)**

 _ **Q (Played by Desmond Llewellyn): Hunting.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Bond gets some interesting gadgets for the mission: a typical leather belt with a 75-foot rappelling cord built into the buckle, a grenade pen for when clicking it three times, arming a four second fuse and another three clicks disarms it and Bond gets a new gadget-laden car for the 90s.**

 _ **Q: (On the BMW Z3) BMW. Agile. Five forward gears, all-points radar. Self-destruct system and naturally all the usual refinements. Now, this I'm particularly proud of. Behind the headlights, Stinger missiles.**_

 _ **James Bond: Excellent. Just the thing for unwinding after a rough day at the office.**_

 _ **Q: Need I remind you, 007, that you have a license to kill, not to break the traffic laws.**_

"Stinger missiles? Man, I would love that car. I wouldn't mind using Stinger missiles on those idiots Justin Bieber and Logan Paul. Those are two people that I would want to take out." Sean said.

 **Q: Do please try and return some of this equipment in pristine order. (Snatches his sandwich out of Bond's hand) Don't touch that! It's my lunch.**

"Boy, I guess that new spicy brown mustard is very deadly." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) (In a Russian accent) Meanwhile, in St. Petersburg, Russia. (In a normal voice) We see that General Ourumov is having a meeting with Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin, played by Tcheky Karyo a Turkish-born French actor and we get a little cameo from producer Michael G. Wilson in an uncredited role as a Russian Security Council Member. Ourumov tells Defense Minister Mishkin about the incident in Severnaya involving the GoldenEye satellite and we see that this guy is a bit like the mad General Orlov from** _ **Octopussy**_ **.**

 _ **General Arkady Ourumov: As head of Space Division, I personally undertook the investigation. I have concluded this crime was committed by Siberian separatists seeking to create political unrest.**_

"Oh sure, blame your own people, Arkady." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when General Ourumov is about to hand in his resignation, Defense Minister Mishkin breaks the news to Ourumov that there are two survivors in Severnaya: Boris Grishenko and Natalya Simonova. So much for his plan to backfire. Meanwhile, Bond arrives in St. Petersburg, not Florida and he meets up with a CIA contact named Jack Wade, played by Joe Don Baker from** _ **Congo**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Congo**_ **plays)**

 _ **R.B. Travis (Played by Joe Don Baker): GODDAMNIT!**_

"Fun fact: you might recognize him as American arms dealer Brad Whittaker in the 15th Bond movie _The Living Daylights_. And to be honest with you, his role as Jack Wade in _GoldenEye_ is much better suited than his role as a Bond villain in _The Living Daylights_.

 _ **James Bond: In London, April's a spring month.**_

 _ **Jack Wade (Played by Joe Don Baker): Oh, yeah? Well, what are you the weatherman? And for crying out loud another stiff-ass Brit. Your secret codes and your passwords. One of these days you guys are gonna learn just to drop it.**_

"Not every CIA agent thinks of Brits that way." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Another thing about Joe Don Baker's character is that he likes to call Bond "Jimbo".**

 **(A montage of Wade calling Bond "Jimbo" is shown)**

"Oh, brother." Brian said.

"Here's another fun fact: originally, they were going to have Felix Leiter, Bond's CIA buddy from _Goldfinger, Diamonds Are Forever, Live and Let Die, Never Say Never Again, The Living Daylights_ and _License to Kill_ to return and they were going to give him a wooden leg like in the novels after he got his leg bit off by a shark in _License to Kill_. But instead, they went with Jack Wade." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Natalya contacts Boris and soon meets up with him at a church…**

"Wait, Alan Cumming, in a church, with an accent… showing up out of nowhere and this ISN'T an _X-Men_ movie?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. At least Nightcrawler and Jean Grey are in the same scene together because it's revealed that Boris is in cahoots with the Janus crime syndicate. Meanwhile, Bond meets with a former KGB agent turned Russian mafia head named Valentin Zukovsky, played by Robbie Coltrane from the** _ **Harry Potter**_ **films. We see that him and Bond have a history together, a conflict with Bond ended with Valentin shot in the leg by the British agent and Bond stealing his car and "his girl".**

"Boy, this guy holds a grudge against Bond like that Joe Kapp holding a grudge against Angelo Mosca." Sean said, then makes a face while hearing a woman singing badly. "Why the fuck does it sound like someone is strangling a cat?"

 **(Zukovsky pulls out a Czech CZ 52 pistol from beneath his jacket and fires a round)  
**

"Shit!" Sean ducks down after Valentin fires his pistol.

 **Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who are fans of the ABC show** _ **Speechless**_ **, that's Minnie Driver as Valentin's mistress Irina.**

 _ **Valentin Zukovsky (Played by Robbie Coltrane): So, Mr. Bond. What is it that brings you to my neighborhood, hmm? Still working for MI6 or have you decided to join the 21s century? (Chuckles) I hear that the new M is a lady.**_

 _ **James Bond: I want you to do me a favor.**_

 **(Zukovsky and his bodyguards laugh)**

 _ **Valentin Zukovsky: (Laughs) He wants me to do him a favor? My knee aches, every single day, twice as bad when it is cold. Do you have any idea how long weather last in this country? Tell him, Dimitri.**_

 **(Dimitri tries to say a word)**

 _ **Valentin Zukovsky: Silence!**_

"You're a wizard, Bond." Sean said, impersonating Hagrid.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond tells Zukovsky to arrange a meeting with Janus. Then later, while Bond is relaxing in the pool at the Grand Hotel Europe, until he's surprised by Xenia in the steam room.**

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: You think you can hurt me?**_

 **(Bond gets up off of Xenia until the deadly Georgian beauty throws him down on a bench, then straddles his lap and attempts to kill him with her thighs)**

"The thigh squeeze is horrifying, but Famke Janssen is smoking hot. My boner is confused." Sean said.

 **Xenia Onatopp: You think you can break me?**

 **Sean: (V/O in a Russian accent) In Russia, woman breaks man. (Narrates in a normal accent) Xenia attempts to kill Bond but then the British secret agent overpowers her and says this line which is one of my favorite lines in the movie.**

 _ **James Bond: (Picks up his Walther PPK and points it at Xenia) No, no, no! No more foreplay.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Pure Bond. After that fight scene, Xenia takes Bond to Janus and I like the setting of the scene where Bond is walking through Statue Park, where we see a bunch of relics from the Cold War. Okay, if there's a bunch of Russian infantry running towards him with KF7 Soviets, then he should start shooting. And then, we are introduced to the main villain Janus in the form of…**

 **(The "Dun Dun Dun" sound effect is heard)**

 _ **James Bond: Alec?**_

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: Back from the dead.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right. Alec Trevelyan from the beginning of the movie. Turns out he faked his death and we see that his face is badly scarred by the explosion. We learn a little something about Trevelyan, his parents were Lienz Cossacks and they were betrayed by the British government and I love this scene where Trevelyan talks about his tragic backstory and he mentions Bond's parents dying in a climbing accident. A first for the series referencing Bond's past.**

"Let's not mention that him and Ernst Stavro Blofeld are stepbrothers. Oh, wait. This is before the Daniel Craig era." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Quick question: why did Alec fake his death in the pre-title sequence? Did he and Ourumov meet up at a bar to set up plans to make Bond believe that he was dead and steal the GoldenEye weapon?**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (as Trevelyan) So, here's the plan. Bond won't know what will hit him. I'm gonna make him think that you killed me. I'll be in the shadows for nine years as Janus, then you and Xenia steal the GoldenEye satellite and you'll use it to destroy Severnaya.**

 **Brian: (as Ourumov) But what about Bond?**

 **Sean: Oh, this'll be the best prank ever since "It's a prank, bro!". Oh, and some of your men will be killed in the process by me and Bond will end up blowing up your facility. But when you shoot me, the bullets are blanks. Except for one bullet which will end up killing one of your men.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Well, Alec is Bond's Kim Philby." Brian said, sipping his wine.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart before he could shoot Trevelyan, then he wakes up tied in the helicopter with Natalya.**

 _ **Natalya Simonova: (Screams) Wake up! Mister!**_

 **(Natalya screams as Bond wakes up)**

 _ **Natalya Simonova: (Screams) Wake up, please! Wake up!**_

"God! And I thought Stacy Sutton's screams in _A View to a Kill_ were annoying." Sean said, covering his ears and groans.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Tiger helicopter self-destructs but Bond and Natalya escape until they end up captured and transported to the Russian military archives, where they're being interrogated by Defense Minister Mishkin.**

 _ **Dimitri Mishkin (Played by Tcheky Karyo): Where is the GoldenEye?**_

 _ **James Bond: I assume you don't have it.**_

 _ **Dimitri Mishkin: I have an English spy, a Severnaya programmer and a helicopter that's stolen…**_

 _ **James Bond: That's what some traitor in your government wanted….**_

 _ **Dimitri Mishkin: Who is behind your attack on Severnaya?**_

 _ **James Bond: Who had the authorization codes?**_

 _ **Dimitri Mishkin: Russia may have chance, but the penalty for terrorism is still death, Mr. Bond!**_

 _ **James Bond: And what's the penalty for treason?**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: Oh, stop it, both of you! Stop it. You're like boys with toys.**_

Sean chuckles a bit from Natalya's line. "Okay, that has got to be my favorite line ever throughout the entire film. This is why I love Natalya."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Natalya tells Defense Minister Mishkin that it was General Ourumov who set off the GoldenEye weapon in Severnaya and killed everyone and stole the GoldenEye. She then reveals that there's another GoldenEye satellite, until the paranoid version of General Orlov arrives.**

 _ **General Arkady Ourumov: Defense Minister, I must protest! This is my investigation. You are out of order.**_

 _ **Dimitri Mishki: (Speaks in Russian) From what I'm hearing, it is you who is out of order.**_

 **(A clip from the 1979 film** _ **…And Justice for All**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Arthur Kirkland (Played by Al Pacino): You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ourumov shoots and kills Mishkin and his guard with Bond's gun and he frames him for murder)**

 _ **General Arkady Ourumov: Defense Minister Dimitri Mishkin murdered by a British agent, James Bond.**_

"Dumbest. Criminal. Ever." Sean said. "Why bother telling him that plan? You know that he's going to escape, right?"

 **(Bond throws a chair at Ourumov's legs, kicks him in the face and punches him and slams him against the metal pipe)**

"Told ya." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Natalya make their escape and Bond gets into a firefight with Ourumov's men in one of the best shootout scenes ever accompanied by Eric Serra's amazing music score. And then we partake in the best part of any Bond movie: when everyone in the entire world tries to hit this guy and not one freakin' bullet touches him.**

 **(Ourumov and his men shoot at the floors above them while Bond and Natalya are running)**

"STOP SHOOTING AT THE FLOOR, YOU MORONS!" Sean shouts at the camera.

 **(The shootout continues)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) My God, it's one British guy and a Russian beauty while a bunch of idiotic Russians are wasting their bullets on the floor. How hard is it to hit one suave British agent? Except for when Moneypenny shot him in the pre-title sequence of** _ **Skyfall**_ **. But these guys are taking lessons from the Stormtroopers. Anyway, Natalya gets captured and Bond uses his rappelling belt to escape. Then, we get one of the most awesome, badass highlights of the movie ever to be witnessed as Ourumov kidnaps Natalya to take her to Trevelyan and Bond finds a more suitable vehicle for the chase.**

 **(Bond chases Ourumov through the streets of St. Petersburg in a tank)**

 _ **General Ourumov: (To the driver) Faster!**_

"Accompanied by a fully-orchestrated Bond theme not composed by Eric Serra, this was composed by John Altman, and his score was better suited for this scene. Originally, Serra's score was going to fit for this scene but it didn't work out. I wonder how the scene would play out with Eric Serra's score instead of John Altman's music score?" Sean asked.

 **(** _ **A Pleasant Drive in St. Petersburg**_ **by Eric Serra plays throughout the tank chase scene)**

"Oh, my God. This is awesome! They could've kept that in the movie! Although, it should be in _GoldenEye 64_ but hey this is good. This tune is so fucking groovy for the 90s." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Again, we see some of the Russian soldiers in their stupidity when they start shooting at Bond while he's in the tank.**

 **(The Russian soldiers start firing their weapons at the tank)**

"Where's Frank Stallone when you need him?" Sean asked. "They're wasting their bullets on a tank. What more do you have to prove?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after an exciting chase through the streets of St. Petersburg, and causing a lot of damage on the streets of St. Petersburg. Boy, Bond is going to do a lot of explaining to do, he follows Ourumov and Natalia to Trevelyan's train and pursues them. Then, we see Trevelyan trying to act like his former colleague when he tries to put the moves on Natalya.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: (To Natalya): You know, James and I shared everything. Absolutely everything. To the victor go the spoils./(Kisses Natalya's neck) You'll like it where we're going./You may even learn to like me.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Family Guy**_ **season seven episode** _ **Family Gay**_ **is shown)**

 _ **James Bond (Voiced by John Viener): (After killing Jaws) Now, time for some unfinished business.**_

 _ **Bond Girl (Voiced by Alexandra Breckenridge): No, James.**_

 _ **James Bond: Yes.**_

 _ **Bond Girl: No, James.**_

 _ **James Bond: Yes, you're going to have sex with me.**_

 _ **Bond Girl: No, James! I don't want to!**_

 _ **James Bond: Yes, you do.**_

 _ **Bond Girl: No, I don't.**_

 _ **James Bond: Yes, you do.**_

 _ **Bond Girl: No, I don't!**_

 _ **James Bond: Yes, you do!**_

 _ **Bond Girl: Okay, I do.**_

 _ **James Bond: See that? Fifty no's and a yes means yes.**_

 **(Trevelyan kisses Natalya on the lips. Then, Natalya pushes Trevelyan away from her, slaps him in the face and curses at him in Russian)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Friday After Next**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Craig and Smokey (Played by Ice Cube and Chris Tucker): DAAAMN!**_

"Dude, only Bond can get away with something like that. I mean, come on. It's the 90s and women have become a bit stronger. Now, we have women like Fallon Carrington." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Dynasty**_ **, the 2017 reboot is shown, showing the character Fallon Carrington, played by Elizabeth Gilles, firing off a Beretta 92F pistol in the house)**

"In fact, if Trevelyan made a move on Fallon Carrington, then he would've been dead." Sean said. "Don't mess with Fallon Carrington. She doesn't take shit from anybody."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bond places his tank in front of the tunnel so he can derail the train and I just love that Xenia gets extremely turned on by the idea of Bond derailing them.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: (To the train driver) Full speed!**_

 **(The train driver speaks in Russian)**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: Full speed! Ram him!**_

 **(The train driver puts the train to full speed)**

"Okay, it's train versus tank. Who's gonna win?" Sean asked.

 **(Bond fires the cannon at the train, setting it on fire. Bond gets out of the tank as the train crashes into the tank)**

"In Russia, tank breaks train." Sean said, in a Russian accent.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After derailing the train, Bond enters the train to confront Trevelyan.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: Why can't you just be a good boy and die?**_

"That's the exact same question that I ask every time when I see you in a movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Although, I have to mention this one part on this scene that I tend to crack up on every time I watch this movie. Either that or I have a dirty mind.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: Lovely girl. Tastes like strawberries.**_

 _ **James Bond: I wouldn't know.**_

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: I would.**_

 **(Xenia licks her finger and moans softly)**

"I guess she wants to know what Natalya tastes like. And I know that some of you are planning on working on a Natalya/Xenia femslash one-shot right now." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ourumov brings Natalya out and holds her at gunpoint and he gives Bond a choice, the girl or the mission. Well, it's obvious. He's going to pick the girl.**

 _ **James Bond: Kill her. She means nothing to me.**_

"What the? Or Bond can be a total asshole. I don't blame him. I mean, Natalya tends to get annoying as hell in the video game and she ends up getting herself killed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond shoots and kills Ourumov and rescues Natalya as Trevelyan and Xenia gets away and locks Bond in the train with Natalya, setting it to self-destruct. Natalyan uses her computer skills to find out where the bad guys are hiding out by hacking Boris' password.**

 **(Natalya tries to hack Boris' password. She types in the words "Butt", "Arse", "Buns" and "Rear" but they're rejected)**

 **Natalya Simonova: What else do you call your bottom?**

 **James Bond: What?**

"It's chair." Sean said. "It's definitely chair. It's five characters. You sit on it but you can't take it with you. Chair. Chair."

 _ **Natalya Simonova: It's Boris' password. He plays word games. It's "What I sit on, but I don't take it with me."**_

 _ **James Bond: Chair.**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: Like I said.**_

"That's I said, you dumb cow! God! Thank you, Bond. Thank you!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Natalya triangulates Boris' satellite dish to Cuba and Bond and Natalya escape in the nick of time in one of my favorite shots of the movie and in the game.**

 **(Bond and Natalya run as the train explodes)**

 _ **Natalya Simonova: Do you destroy every vehicle you get into?**_

 _ **James Bond: Standard operating procedures.**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: So, tell me are there any other "standard operating procedures" I should be aware of, commander?**_

 _ **James Bond: Thousands. But I only pay them lip service.**_

 **(Bond and Natalya kiss)**

"Well, at least Bond didn't get slapped in the face." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Bond hooks up with Natalya, the two head down to Cuba in Bond's BMW Z3. Ah, the Z3. Looks like we have a vehicle chase coming up. It's about time for Bond to put those Stinger missiles to good use. Anyway, Jack Wade pops up and trades his plane for the Z3. Wait, what? What the hell are you doing?**

"Stop, no! Come back! Come back here, you fact CIA asshole! No, we haven't even used the gadgets yet! No!" Sean cries. "Oh, great! Now I won't use the Stinger missiles on Justin Bieber and Logan Paul! We're stuck with these two assholes for life!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we have a little scene between Bond and Natalya where she talks to Bond about him going after Trevelyan. And we see that the script is attempting to be emotional of Bond going after his former friend.**

 _ **Natalya Simonova: You think I'm impressed? All of you with your guns, your killing, your death, for what? So you can be a hero? All the heroes I know are dead.**_

 _ **James Bond: Natalya, listen to me.**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: How can you act like this? How can you be so cold?**_

 _ **James Bond: It's what keeps me alive.**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: No. It's what keeps you alone.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond kisses Natalya and the two of them make love and then he charms her in bed later. After that scene, Bond and Natalya are flying around looking for a supposed satellite dish but couldn't find anything until they're suddenly shot down and crash into the middle of the jungle. Xenia shows up for round three and attacks Bond.**

 _ **Xenia Onatopp: This time, Mr. Bond. The pleasure will be all mine.**_

 **(Xenia licks the side of Bond's face and tries to kill him with her thighs)**

"Couldn't you just shoot her?" Sean asked. "Worked in the game when you shot her in the face with an AR33 assault rifle."

 **(Bond hooks the rappelling rope on Xenia's belt and grabs her Norinco Type 56-1 and shoots at the helicopter)**

"I didn't know that it was possible for a Norinco-Type 56-1 assault rifle to wall bang a helicopter. An AR33 and an RC-P90 are known for wall banging. Unless you have a specific type of rounds for your gun." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond shoots down the helicopter and kills Xenia by crushing her to a tree before ending the scene with this classic Bond line.**

 _ **James Bond: She always did enjoy a good squeeze.**_

"Bond puns. Am I right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Natalya find the huge satellite dish, which was revealed to be underwater. Fun fact: that's the Arecibo Observatory, the largest satellite dish in the world situated somewhere in Puerto Rico. Bond and Natalya infiltrate the control station and Bond gets captured after placing mines. After getting captured, the guards take Bond to Trevelyan and this guy knows Bond's every move and he easily disables Bond's booby trap with the 00-knowledge that he has himself, which means that Bond is screwed.**

"Okay, so Trevelyan wants revenge on the British government because of how his parents died. What's his dastardly plan?" Sean asked as Trevelyan reveals his plan.

 _ **James Bond: You break into the Bank of England via computer then transfer the money electronically. Just seconds before you set off the GoldenEye, which erases any record of the transactions. Ingenious.**_

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: Thank you, James.**_

 _ **James Bond: But it still boils down to petty theft. In the end, you're just a bank robber. Nothing more than a common thief.**_

"So, Trevelyan's plan is to rob the Bank of England before erasing all of it's financial records with Misha, the second GoldenEye satellite, concealing the theft and destroying Britan's economy. Uh, watch Die Hard and Die Hard With a Vengeance much, Alec? I mean, it's great that he wants to attack London but having him digitally robbing a bank in the process? Just comes out of nowhere." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Trevelyan then proceeds to mess with Bond with various insults.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: I might as well ask did the vodka martinis ever silence the screams of all the men you've killed? Or if you find forgiveness in the arms of all those willing women? For all the dead ones you failed to protect.**_

"Oh! Oh! You's a bitch, Alec! We never mention the incident ever again." Sean said, referring to the death of James Bond's wife Teresa in _On Her Majesty's Secret Service_. "They had all the time in the world."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Natalya programs the satellite to initiate atmospheric re-entry and destroy itself, which pisses off Boris, who's busy fiddling with Bond's pen grenade and accidentally sets off an explosion in the control room, allowing Bond and Natalya to escape to the antenna cradle and we throw in a line for the Nintendo 64 commercial. Let me see here…**

 **(A commercial for the video game showing clips from the movie is shown, with the exact same clip with Bond saying the line "Do you know how to use one of these?")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yup, good times and good memories. Trevelyan goes after Bond and the two of them go mano y mano with each other.**

 **(The Cradle stage music plays throughout the showdown between Bond and Trevelyan. "3 minutes until antenna realigns!" is shown on the screen as Bond sabotages the antenna. "Control console destroyed! Antenna inoperative." is shown on the screen as well)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Trevelyan get into an amazing yet brutal fight on the top floors of the satellite dish and it ends with Bond and Trevelyan duking it out on the very tip of the satellite before Alec meets his ultimate demise.**

 _ **Alec Trevelyan: For England, James?**_

 _ **James Bond: No… for me.**_

 **(Bond releases Trevelyan. Trevelyan plummets to his death into the dish)**

"Alright. Now he's dead. There's no way that he could survive a fall like tha…" Sean said.

 **(We see that Alec is still alive, clinging to life)**

"Son of a bitch! What does Sean Bean have nine lives now? Jesus, there no way of killing that guy." Sean said.

 **(Bond jumps on the helicopter that Natalya commandeered and flies away as the satellite explodes and crashes down on Trevelyan, killing him)**

"Finally! Thank God. And stay dead!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Boris lives but not until he has an amusing yet hilarious death scene.**

 _ **Boris Grishenko: YES! I AM INVINCIBLE!**_

 **(The liquid nitrogen tanks explode, causing it to spill onto Boris, freezing him)**

 **Charlie Wilcox: (V/O) I was frozen today!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the day is saved as Bond and Natalya are dropped off at a field and they end up making out until Jack Wade and the Marines show up and fly them away to safety.**

 _ **Jack Wade: Maybe you two would like to finish debriefing each other at Guantanamo.**_

 _ **James Bond: You ready?**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: I'm not going on a helicopter with you.**_

 _ **James Bond: Hmm?**_

 _ **Natalya Simonova: (Laughs) No plane, no train. Nothing that moves.**_

 _ **James Bond: (Picks up Natalya) Darling, what could possibly go wrong?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And so the film ends with a song performed by composer Eric Serra called** _ **The Experience of Love**_ **, which was supposed to be used for the Luc Besson film** _ **The Professional**_ **. I usually sit through the end credits to listen to the song. I thought it was a great song. And we see that the film was dedicated to the memory of British special effects designer Derek Meddings, who passed away on September 10** **th** **, 1995. He was known for working on** _ **Thunderbirds**_ **back in the 1960s and a couple of James Bond films and the** _ **Superman**_ **movies and Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **. Oh, and also** _ **The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter**_ **. Also, like every Bond film, it let's us know that James Bond will return.**

"And that was _GoldenEye_. Pierce Brosnan's first outing as James Bond and it kicks ass!" Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie is my number one favorite Bond film. It's so damned good. Let's talk about Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, he's absolutely terrific and I loved the guy as Bond and in my honest opinion and I know that some would say that Connery is the best Bond or Moore is the best Bond or Daniel Craig is the best Bond, I think that Pierce Brosnan is the best Bond and he's my favorite. Hell, he's the only Bond I grew up watching before watching some of the Connery, Moore and Dalton eras. I really believed that he was Bond on-screen. As for the supporting cast, Izabella Scorupco as Natalya is my favorite Bond girl. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's awesome and I can go on forever. The brilliant Sean Bean as Alec Trevelyan is terrific and the sexy Famke Janssen as femme fatale Xenia Onatopp is amazing, Alan Cumming as Boris is hilarious and I loved Gottfried John as General Ourumov. The rest of the supporting cast of characters are amazing as well, Robbie Coltrane was pretty good as Valentin Zukovsky, Judi Dench makes the best M, Michael Kitchen makes a pretty good Bill Tanner and Samantha Bond as Moneypenny is my favorite Moneypenny in the series, Joe Don Baker is cast in a better role in this movie that I enjoy and Desmond Llewelyn is amazing as always as Q. The action scenes are shot perfectly, the sets are excellent, the special and visual effects are amazing, Eric Serra's music score is awesome. And Martin Campbell's directing was amazing. He'll go on to direct another Bond movie** _ **Casino Royale**_ **in 2006, which will be Daniel Craig's first outing as James Bond. That was pretty good and it was also my favorite. If you're new to James Bond, then check out this movie. I would say check out the past Bond films first but definitely watch this one first. Get it on DVD or watch it on either Starz, Encore, HBO, Cinemax, Showtime or Epix if they're showing it, you won't be disappointed. You'll fall in love with this movie. That's why I'm giving** _ **GoldenEye**_ **5 Walther PPKs out of 5.**

"Well, that is all for my review of my favorite Bond movie of all time. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before getting up from off of the couch and leaves the room as the James Bond theme plays.

 **The Mayhem Critic Will Return**

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **You're like boys with toys.**_

 **And that was the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed my review of** _ **GoldenEye**_ **and I know that it was a long one because I had a lot to talk about it and my love for the movie. And I hope that you got a good laugh from reading this. So, yeah. I had a lot of fond memories about GoldenEye. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean creates a new segment called Sean's Story Arc and he takes a look at the** _ **Superman: TAS/Batman: TAS**_ **three-part crossover episode** _ **World's Finest**_ **. After that Sean reviews** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **, the sequel to the 1984 smash-hit** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **and asks the question "Is** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **a better sequel or should it be hated?". Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have any ideas for any movies for me to review or if you want to co-review a movie with me, feel free to PM if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	31. Episode Twenty-Eight: World's Finest

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another yet hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic starts a brand-new segment and takes a look at the crossover episode event of the century. It's the crossover that people asked for. The** _ **Superman: TAS/Batman: TAS**_ **crossover episode** _ **World's Finest**_ **. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **and** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **are both owned by Warner Bros. Family Entertainment, Bob Kane, Bill Finger, Jerry Siegel, Joe Shustser and DC Comics.**

 **Episode Twenty-Eight**

 **World's Finest**

Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting on his couch and this time, he's wearing a Batman t-shirt and jeans before talking about today's topic.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. When we think of Batman and Superman, what do we usually think of?" Sean asked.

 **(The poster for** _ **Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice**_ **is shown)**

"Oh, piss off. But seriously, before Zack Snyder ruined the DC cinematic universe, with the exception of _Wonder Woman_ and _Justice League_ , they were both pretty good, there was one guy that has done Batman and Superman right. And that man is none other than Bruce Timm." Sean said.

 **(A photo of Bruce Timm is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. Bruce W. Timm or Bruce Timm whatever he likes to be called nowadays, has brought us some pretty good stuff in the DC animated universe. Okay, so** _ **The Killing Joke**_ **was kinda okay if you can watch pass the Batsex scene. But yeah, the animated films were pretty awesome.**

"But with all that said, before I talk about Batman and Superman. I created a new segment that I like to call Sean's Story Arc." Sean said.

 **(A flood appears and we see a ship with Sean and a bunch of story arcs on it before coming to rest on a mountain. Then the words "Sean's Story Arc" appear on the screen)**

"This is where I take popular nostalgic shows and look over the episodes either the first episode or an important story arc in the series. With that said, let's talk about the most incredible, awesome, badass show ever to hit our TV screens!" Sean exclaimed as a black cape blows over him while the music for _Batman: The Animated Series_ plays, but then the black cape gets in his face. "Ah! Get that goddamn cape out of my face!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) The show was a huge hit at the time. It won both kids and adults and served as a game-changer for Batman. This show changed the way we looked at animated shows. The show was the perfect tightrope between playful and funny and dark and gritty. During Fox Kids' declining spiral, another children's programming block was born, and it was called Kids WB!.**

 **(Clips from Kids WB! are shown as well as clips of** _ **Animaniacs, Looney Tunes**_ **and** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **. Other clips such as** _ **Waynehead, Earthworm Jim**_ **,** _ **Freakazoid**_ **and** _ **Pinky and the Brain**_ **are shown as well)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in 1995, Warner Bros. was starting their own children's programming block called Kids WB and when they started up,** _ **Animaniacs, Looney Tunes**_ **and** _ **Batman**_ **moved to their new home. And Fox Kids was stuck with** _ **Life With Louie, Casper, Power Rangers, Mystic Rider, Beetleborgs, Goosebumps**_ **and** _ **X-Men**_ **. Oh, and** _ **Spider-Man**_ **as well.**

"And in fall of 1996, another show was born. And that show was _Superman: The Animated Series_." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Coming off the heels of** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **and created by the same creative forces behind** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **and unlike Batman with it's dark and serious tone, Superman had a light-hearted and sometimes serious tone and there were some dark moments at the time and trust me, we'll get to that later. The series had an "Ocean Liner" deco feel to the city of Metropolis and the animation, maturity and modernization of the character was well done.**

 **(Clips from** _ **The New Batman/Superman Adventures**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Midway through the series' run, the show was combined with** _ **The New Batman/Superman Adventures**_ **, a programming block that featured an episode from** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **, original episodes of** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **or** _ **The New Batman Adventures**_ **.**

"And what better way to talk about Batman and Superman is by taking a look at the crossover episode _World's Finest_." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **World's Finest**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Originally aired on October 4** **th** **, 1997. This crossover episode featured Batman and Superman teaming up to stop The Joker and Lex Luthor.** _ **World's Finest**_ **originally aired as a movie event on Kids WB during the second season of** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **, it depicts the first meeting between The Dark Knight and The Man of Steel and I'm going to take a look at the three-part episode to see if it still holds up.**

"Let's not waste any time, this is _World's Finest_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Part I of** _ **World's Finest**_ **starts, (Speaks in a deep voice) on a dark and stormy night in Gotham City. (Normal voice) Where we see an antique store owner closing the store for the night, until a mysterious woman shows up.**

 _ **Antique Shop Ownwer: Sorry, miss, we're closed.**_

 _ **Mysterious Woman: Just look at what I'm selling. You'll plotz.**_

 **(The mysterious woman pulls out a music box, then winds the crank that plays the theme music to a certain villain. It springs open to reveal a jester head, dousing the man with some gas, causing the man to start laughing hysterically)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It turns out to be the work of none other than The Clown Prince of Crime himself, The Joke…**

 **(Sean starts laughing at The Joker's new design)**

"Who's that guy? All right. Where's the real Joker? That can't be him." Sean said.

"Uh, Sean. That's The Joker." Brian said.

"Huh? No way." Sean said.

Sean looks over to the right, showing The Joker's old design from 1992. The young critic then looks over to his left, showing The Joker's new design from 1997. Sean put the images of The Joker side-by-side and raised his eyebrow at the camera.

"Really?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, that's The Joker. And he's voiced by Mark Hamill. And yes, that's the new design they're going for him. Where do I begin? His new design, well, he looks horrible and silly-looking. Why couldn't they stick with his original design? They just made a wrong step with redesigning the best Batman villain of all time without any color and give him black, expressionless eyes.**

"I met this… clown with this blank, pale emotionless face, and… the blackest eyes – the Devil's eyes." Sean said, imitating the late Donald Pleasance from John Carpenter's _Halloween_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look, only they can do that to Gambit from** _ **X-Men**_ **and they can do that to Shan Yu from** _ **Mulan**_ **but you do not and I mean not do that to The Joker. Hell, I even asked Bruce Timm about why did they have to redesign The Joker.**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean is on his phone, waiting for Bruce Timm to answer)**

 **Bruce Timm: Hello?**

 **Sean: Hi, is this Bruce Timm?**

 **Bruce Timm: Yes, it is.**

 **Sean: Hi, I'm Sean J. Archer and I'm a big fan of** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **and** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. Okay, so I have just one question for you regarding The Joker. Why did you give him this crappy new design on the fourth season of** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **?**

 **(There's no answer from Bruce Timm, but instead he hangs up)**

 **Sean: Hello? Hello? Asshole.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, enough bitching about The Joker's new design, we see that The Joker and Harley Quinn, voiced by the hilarious Arleen Sorkin, steal a jade dragon. Why is he stealing it? What's his purpose? Later, Commissioner Gordon, voiced by the late Bob Hastings and Detective Harvey Bullock, voiced by Robert Costanzo, are investigating the crime scene and wonder why Joker would only take the jade statue.**

 _ **Detective Harvey Bullock (Voiced by Robert Costanzo): All this junk and the Joker only takes one lousy statue.**_

"I mean look at this, he didn't even take the cute little Mogwai." Sean said, pointing at Gizmo.

 _ **Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Things are never what they seem with the Joker.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman, voiced by the awesome Kevin Conroy, steps out of the shadows and examines a fragment of the statue that was left behind and takes a sample of if for further study to see what it's made of. Back at the Batcave, Batman examines the statue fragment by running tests on it, then Alfred, voiced by the late Efrem Zimbalist Jr., gives Batman some info about the jade dragon known as the Laughing Dragon.**

 _ **Alfred (Voiced by the late Efrem Zimbalist Jr.): According to this, the Laughing Dragon has earned quite a foreboding reputation. Ever since it was carved in China nearly 30 years ago, it has passed through several owners, all of whom died prematurely.**_

 _ **Batman: And I can tell you why. This so-called jade is emitting low-level radiation.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman knows why this "jade" is emitting low-level radiation is because it is actually Kryptonite, realizing what the Joker is planning on using for. Batman then heads to Metropolis to go after his long-time foe, and Bruce Wayne has some business to attend to. Over in Metropolis, we see that Lois Lane, voiced by Dana Delany, is on board Air Force One…**

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Air Force One**_ **plays)**

 **** _ **President James Marshall (Played by Harrison Ford): (Before killing Ivan Korsunov): Get off my plane!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong one. Anyway, Lois is on board the plane with other members of the press until a group of terrorists seize control of the plane and holds the President hostage.**

 _ **Male Terrorist (Voiced by Corey Burton): Ladies and gentlemen of the press if you stay calm, you may actually live to write about this.**_

"Ten secrets of hijacking that terrorists don't want you to know about. Boy, the _Cincinnati Enquirer_ is going to have a field day with this story. I smell Pulitzer." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of the terrorists, voiced by Corey Burton, spots Lois trying to call for help and holds her at gunpoint. Uh, yeah. I don't think it's a good idea. How dumb are these terrorists?**

 _ **Male Terrorist: A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss…?**_

 _ **Lois Lane (Voiced by Dana Delany): Lane.**_

 _ **Male Terrorist: Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?**_

"No, Andrea Beaumont. The one who killed Gotham's mob bosses and tried to kill the Joker and was sleeping with Batman. Who the hell do you think?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Superman, voiced by Tim Daly, arrives to save Lois Lane and takes out the terrorists in the most badass way possible. After saving the President's life and Lois' as well, Superman gets ready to fly away until Lois tries to tell her how she feels about him.**

 _ **Lois Lane: Um, how can I put this? I was just thinking, it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't I don't know, falling out a window or something. Not that I'm not grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But they get interrupted when robbers attack the First National Bank and duty calls for Superman, leaving poor Lois depressed that she didn't get a chance to tell him.**

"Hey, don't worry. At least Amy Adams' Lois got with Henry Cavill's Superman in the Zack Snyder films." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Lex Luthor, voiced by Clancy Brown, is reading an article about the President thanking Superman for saving his life. This pisses him off and he calls his personal bodyguard and chauffer Mercy Graves, voiced by Lisa Edelstein aka Cuddy from** _ **House**_ **, to take him to his office at LexCorp, but she gets knocked out by Harley Quinn with a mechanical boxing glove. Harley takes Mercy's place and speeds off with Luthor inside.**

 **(Harley notices a "cute hitchhiker" on the street)**

 _ **Harley Quinn (Voiced by Arleen Sorkin): Whoa, mama! Check out the cute hitchhiker.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Hellooooooooo Nu…. (Sees that it's the Joker lifting his pants leg up) Oh, god! No!**

"Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Now I gotta live with the fact that I almost said Hellooooo Nurse to the Joker. Ugh! Let me think of something else. Uh, Camila Mendes and Elizabeth Gilles making out with each other in a _Riverdale/Dynasty_ femslash crossover fanfic. Okay, I'm feeling much better now. Plus, Liz Gilles is sexy as fuck." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Harley stops the limo for the Joker and two of DC's greatest villains form an unlikely partnership.**

 _ **The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Oh, there are differences to be sure. Like hair.**_

"Ah, don't be so moody, Lex. I still have my hair. Well, I got a haircut a couple of weeks ago and my hair's growing back. Hell, my friend Geoffery said that I look like the Nostalgia Critic, even though I look like Andre the Black Nerd." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker reveals to Lex that he's strapped for cash and he offers to use the jade dragon to kill Superman for the sum of $1 billion dollars. Lex is skeptical at first, but then changes his mind and agrees.**

 _ **Lex Luthor (Voiced by Clancy Brown): You know I can't be connected to this in any way.**_

 _ **The Joker: Oh, you'll be Mr. Clean, I promise.**_

Sean starts laughing as an image of Lex Luthor's head on Mr. Clean's body pops up and the Mr. Clean jingle starts playing. "Oh, God! I'm sorry. But that was pretty funny. Who said that the Joker couldn't be funny?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at the airport, Lois, Clark and a group of reporters are awaiting the arrival for Bruce Wayne and she immediately gets smitten by him and the two start flirting with each other.**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Maybe we can discuss it over dinner, if you're available.**_

 _ **Lois Lane: Totally. I mean, I think so. I'll have to check my calen—Yes.**_

"She take his money when he's in need. Yeah, she's a triflin' tramp indeed. Oh, she's a gold digger. Way over town, that digs on him. Seriously, Lois? Gold digger much?" Sean asked after he sings a bit of Kanye West's Gold Digger.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, over on the seedy side of Metropolis, where local crime boss Ceasar Carlini, voiced by John Capodice, is having dinner with his men at a Mexican restaurant. Wait, what?**

 _ **Thug: Who'd have figured a guy named Weasel could cook this good?**_

"Wait, Italians eating at a Mexican restaurant. Don't they usually eat dinner at an Italian restaurant? Try going to Drusilla's and have your little mob meetings there. You don't want to have one while Mariachi music is playing. Can you imagine if _Goodfellas_ did that?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (as Henry Hill) Tommy, you are one swell guy.**

 **Brian: (as Tommy DeVito): What do you mean by that?**

 **Sean: Why, I said you're swell. That's all.**

 **Brian: You saying that I got a big head. Is that what you're saying? What am I, a bloated puffy round head here to amuse you, is that what you're saying?**

 **Sean: No, I didn't say that. I just, I said you're swell.**

 **Brian: I am swell?**

 **Sean: Yeah, you're swell.**

 **Brian: Swell?**

 **Sean: Yeah.**

 **(Brian stops eating)**

 **Brian: All right, that's it!**

 **(Brian attacks Sean while Mariachi music starts playing)**

 **Brian: Here's your swell! I got your swell!**

 **(Rob stops eating and notices Brian beating up Sean while the music continues to play)**

 **Rob: (as Jimmy Conway) Tommy. Henry. Knock it off, I'm trying to enjoy my tacos. Hey, yo!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get ourselves a little PG-rated version of the mob meeting from** _ **The Dark Knight**_ **and instead of The Joker killing Carlini by holding a knife to his mouth and giving him a Glasgow smile by asking him "Why So Serious?" or showing one of his men a "magic trick", he just gasses Carlini and makes him laugh hysterical, then recruits his thugs to join him. Meanwhile, Bruce and Lois are having their first date together. The next day, we see that Lex Luthor is demonstrating a new spider-like robot called the WayneLex T7 and shows it to Bruce since it's revealed that him and Luthor are business partners. This impresses Bruce and he is pleased at how well that his company and Luthor's company have collaborated in developing these robots for space exploration, but Luthor has his real motive for use of the robots.**

 _ **Lex Luthor: (While showing him the WayneLex T7 robots) It doesn't take much imagination to envision these robots on the battlefield.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Except I won't allow it.**_

 _ **Lex Luthor: What?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: I don't like guns.**_

"That's easy for you to say. You have a complicated history with firearms. Take a look at the old Batman comics from the 1930s and 1940s, he was seen using a gun. Hell, in _Batman: Year Two_ , Batman kept the gun that killed his parents and he was determined to use it to avenge them and go after the Reaper with it. But we don't talk about _Year Two_ , because that one had been eliminated in the continuity. Or what about in the _Batman Beyond_ episode _Rebirth Part 1_? His last night as Batman. He was having a heart attack and one of the thugs starts beating him up until he picks up a gun and points it at the guy. And he had a reason to do so, he was getting too old for this shit." Sean said as a _Lethal Weapon_ -style saxophone riff starts playing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bruce, who has sole control over the technology's uses under their agreement says no to Luthor. And later that night, we see that Bruce and Lois are on their first date and he starts questioning her about Superman.**

 _ **Lois Lane: He's not like your Batman, thank goodness.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Then how do you contact him?**_

 _ **Lois Lane: (While stirring her drink) Committing a felony helps. Listen, you seem awfully interested in Superman. Do you want me to fix you two up?**_

"Lois, shut up. Don't give the Fanfiction readers any ideas for smutty SuperWayne smut. Oh, God. I hope nobody have ideas for one." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wanting to take her mind off of the Man of Steel, Bruce and Lois start dancing and romance begin to blossom for the two. I can see why because Lois Lane is actually Andrea Beaumont. Later, we see that Clark is starting his investigation and we see him talking to Bibbo, voiced by the great Brad Garrett.**

 _ **Clark Kent: So just keep your ears open. Let me know if you hear any buzz about the Joker.**_

 **(He pays Bibbo)**

 _ **Bibbo (Voiced by Brad Garrett): Sure thing, Mr. Kent. Uh. But, uh, which one? There's lots of jokers around here.**_

 **(We cut to Clark and we hear an audience laughing. Then, the theme song to** _ **Step by Step**_ **starts playing and it says "Executive Producers Bruce Timm, Thomas L. Miller, Robert L. Boyett and Executive Producers William Bickley, Michael Warren". Then the logos for Bickley/Warren Productions, Miller-Boyett productions, DC Comics and Warner Bros. Television pop up.)**

Sean starts laughing a bit. "You know, we're only halfway through part one and I'm really getting into this. Okay, I know this is still a serious story but it's so bright and colorful and it has some humor to it. Take notes, Zack Snyder. This is how you do Batman/Superman right. It doesn't have to be too dark and gritty. Sometimes, you just need some good, wholesome, family entertainment, you know?" Sean asked, sipping his can of Dr. Pepper.

 _ **Batman: (While interrogating Binko) Where's the Joker?**_

 _ **Binko (Voiced by Corey Burton): Who knows? Making ha-ha with Harley Quinn.**_

We cut to Sean doing a spit take after hearing Binko's comment. "What the hell?! That was not appropriate for a kid's show! They're not gonna understand what he meant by that."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Batman is about to interrogate Binko, Superman shows up and Batman throws him across the room with a judo move and Superman strikes back by ramming him into a wall.**

"Again, Mr. Snyder. Take notes and learn from the master simply known as Bruce Timm. This is how you do Batman/Superman right. It doesn't have to end up with two superheroes duking it out to the death until one of them says "Martha". Wait, what?" Sean asked, referencing _Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice_.

 _ **Superman: I heard you were crazy. I didn't think you were stupid.**_

 **(Superman uses his x-ray vision and peeks behind Batman's mask. He sees that Batman is Bruce Wayne)**

"Oh, you cheating son of a bitch! He can't do that! Can he do that? That's cheating. You cheated, cheater!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Superman tells Batman to get the hell out of his city but Batman pulls out the Kryptonite fragment.**

 _ **Batman: It doesn't take much, does it? The Joker has 20 pounds more where this came from.**_

"Let me ask you a question, do you bleed? You will. You will." Sean said, imitating Kevin Conroy's Batman.

"This is how they should've done _Dawn of Justice_ , Batman finds Kryptonite on one of his villains and warns Superman." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, since Superman knows Batman's secret identity, the Man of Steel show learn that karma's a bitch because Batman planted a homing device on his cape.**

 **(Clark uses his telescopic vision and spots Batman on the roof of a distant building)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Batman) It's your move, Big Blue.**

 **(Batman smirks and gives Superman the boy scout salute and jumps out of sight)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Batman) Don't fuck with Batman!**

 _ **Clark Kent: Touche.**_

 **(Clark crushes the device in anger)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Part two starts as Bruce goes to see Lois at the** _ **Daily Planet**_ **to go on their second date, much to Clark's dismay. Then, him and Clark talk about the Joker's location because it's been three days since and no success in finding the Joker and Clark's also worried about his relationship with Lois.**

 _ **Clark Kent: Let's just say I'm concerned. Your reputation is dubious, in and out of costume**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Don't worry. I'm taking Lois quite seriously. Besides, it seem to me you had your chance.**_

"By the way, I was on _Dynasty_ in the sixth season and I played Steven Carrington's lover Bart Fallmont. You were on _Wings_ , my friend." Sean said, referencing Kevin Conroy on _Dynasty_ and Tim Daly on _Wings_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Bruce and Lois are both on their second date and the two of them are getting closer than ever and just when they're about to kiss, an uninvited guest shows up.**

 _ **The Joker: My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze.**_

"Hey, Bruce Wayne was tappin' that ass before Superman back in _Mask of the Phantasm_ , so you shut up." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two are surrounded by the Joker and his thugs and the Clown Prince of Crime shocks Lois unconsciously. Bruce gets shot at with about a gazillion bullets, forcing him off a ledge. Bruce saves himself by landing on a window-washing scaffolding, then gets shot at again, then falls again until he manages to grab the edge of the building to save himself, where he's shot at even more!**

"Jesus, these guys have terrible aim like the Gotham City S.W.A.T. team in _Mask of the Phantasm_." Sean said. "Just stop and aim, you idiots!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker kidnaps Lois and escapes in the most efficient mode of transportation to get away from Superman, a friggin' blimp with a jester's face on it.**

"Really? Hasn't The Joker seen the George C. Scott movie _The Hindenburg_?" Sean asked.

"Oh, the humanity!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker shows off the Kryptonite to Lois and smashes it in half, in case for later, and Lois says this to Joker.**

 _ **Lois Lane: (After Harley removes her gag) You sick, demented, murdering freak!**_

 _ **Harley Quinn: (Gasps) How rude!**_

"Okay, potential gold digging aside but I really love this Lois Lane in the animated series. She doesn't take shit from anyone." Sean said.

 **The Joker: You've got a front row seat for the story of the century, my dear. The death of Superman. (Laughs)**

"Hey, Joker. Doomsday beat you to it with the comic, simply titled _The Death of Superman_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Batman shows off his Batwing and flies off into the sky to rescue Lois, while at the Metropolis PD, we see that Superman and Dan Turpin, voiced by the late Joseph Bologna are expecting a call from the Joker.**

 **(The phone rings. But instead, it rings to the song Lollipop.)**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Riverdale**_ **season two episode** _ **When a Stranger Calls**_ **plays)**

 **(Betty looks up at Archie as her phone rings and Archie looks at Betty)**

 _ **Betty Cooper (Played by Lili Reinhart) Oh, no.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker contacts Superman and flashes his location to him and tells him to come alone and warns him not to bring anyone, which means no cops. Superman arrives at the location where the Joker is hiding at one of LexCorp's laboratories and he comes prepared, wearing his lead-lined anti-kryptonite suit. Yeah, like Superman was going to fall for one of the Joker's tricks. The Joker leads Superman to Lois but the Clown Prince of Crime has one trick up his sleeve.**

 _ **The Joker: Oh, wait, that's it.**_

 _ **Superman: What?**_

 _ **The Joker: Silly me. I forgot the acid.**_

 **(Joker sprays acid from his flower to destroy Superman's suit, then throws the Kryptonite at him, exposing him to it)**

"Yes! Boom! That was the most awesome thing that the Joker has done! See, this is why the Joker doesn't have to be all gritty and gangster and covered with tattoos. He should be unpredictable and clever. That's the Joker I know. Jared Leto, eat my shorts. Hamill, you are my number one guy." Sean said, imitating Jack Nicholson's Joker from Tim Burton's _Batman_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before the Joker could finish off Superman, Batman arrives and takes down some of his goons after Harley warns her puddin' that he arrived. Batman enters the room and finds Superman and Lois until…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Admiral Ackbar (Played by Tim Rose and voiced by the late Erik Bauersfeld): It's a trap!**_

 **(The doors are sealed shut)**

 _ **The Joker: (Laughs) Two for the price of one. I love it.**_

 **(Joker gas is vented in the room)**

 _ **The Joker: And the best part is you're all going out with a smile.**_

 _ **Harley Quinn: Have a happy…**_

 **(Batman throws the Kryptonite at the television)**

"Yeah, great job, dumbass. Now, how will I watch the new season of _American Housewife_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman examines the contents in the room and finds some barrels of hydrochloric acid.**

 _ **Batman: Hydrochloric acid. It would take a week to eat through the wall.**_

 _ **Superman: No. Wait. Kryp… Kryptonite.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman uses the acid to destroy the Kryptonite and recovering from it's effects Superman is able to smash the doors open, taking Batman and Lois with him and they confront the Joker.**

 _ **Superman: It's over, Joker.**_

 **(The Joker throws a bag of marbles on the floor)**

 _ **The Joker: It hasn't begun, Supey.**_

 **(Joker and Harley make their escape)**

 _ **Superman: He's gotta be kidding.**_

 **(The marbles explode, which turns out to be grenades)**

 _ **Superman: They're grenades.**_

 _ **Batman: Expect the unexpected.**_

"Really, Batman? A fine time to be funny, you asshole. Like I didn't know that they were grenades." Sean said, imitating Tim Daly's Superman.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The three of them flee the laboratory after it explodes and the next morning, Luthor makes a public statement to the press. But he is mighty pissed off with the Joker and Clark hears about Luthor's deal with the Joker. Which means it's time for 'ol Chrome Dome to pay a little visit. In his very own, special way.**

 **(Mercy starts shooting at Joker and Harley with a machine gun as they both hide for cover)**

"What's with these characters in the DC animated universe having the aim of a Stormtrooper? Take a look at some of these dummies shooting but not hitting anyone." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown, showing the Gotham City Police Department shooting at Batman, who's hiding in a construction site, then a clip from** _ **Sub-Zero**_ **is shown showing Dr. Gregory Belson shooting at Barbara Gordon, and finally clips from** _ **World's Finest**_ **is shown, showing some of the Joker's goons shooting at Bruce, Joker shooting at Bruce, his thugs shooting at Batman and Mercy shooting at Joker and Harley)**

"Look, if you're going to shoot somebody, just shoot them and don't miss!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lex pays a visit to his business partner and he is not pleased about him using one of his laboratories, Joker calls out to Harley and Lex calls out to Mercy. You know what that means.**

 **(Mercy does a flying kick on Harley and a fight ensues between them)**

 _ **Mercy Graves (Voiced by Lisa Edelstein): Here's for that punch in the face.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Cosmo Kramer (Played by Michael Richards): Catfight?**_

 _ **Elaine Benes (Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus): Okay, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a catfight?**_

 _ **Cosmo Kramer: Ye ye, catfight!**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld (Played by Jerry Seinfeld): Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other, there's a chance they might somehow kiss.**_

 **(Kramer stammers)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And while all that is going on, Lex and Joker talk and…uh, guys.**

 _ **Lex Luthor: Batman? He followed you to Metropolis?**_

 **(Harley and Mercy continue to fight)**

 **Joker: Oh, right. Like it's my fault.**

 **Sean: (V/O) There's a fight between two hot chicks going on. I think you might want to watch and stop talking.**

 **(Mercy punches Harley in the face and chases her)**

 _ **Joker: But if I have to cope with two men in tights, the price goes up.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Yo! You're missing the whole fight! This is hotter than Fallon and her mother Alexis in the reboot of Dynasty. Shut the fuck and watch!**

 _ **Lex Luthor: Mercy, let's go. Keep in mind, this is your last chance.**_

 **(Luthor and Mercy leave, while a dazed and beaten up Harley walks over to Joker)**

 _ **Joker: How you doing, slugger?**_

 _ **Harley Quinn: A-okay, Mr. J.**_

 **(Joker pats Harley on the back and she faints)**

"Well, that's just great. That's great. You missed the hottest catfight of the century and those two might've scissored! Looks like, I'm gonna have to write a dirty fanfic about Harley Quinn and Mercy Graves. You two idiots blew it. You lost your man card." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that hilarious scene, we cut to Clark arriving at Lois' apartment to check up on her and then he sees Bruce is there with her. He reveals to Lois and Bruce about how he believes that Luthor is involved with the Joker, but can't prove it yet. So Bruce decides to ask him. Which means Batmaning the shit out of his ass.**

 _ **Lex Luthor: What do you want?**_

 _ **Batman: Information. Regarding a mutual acquaintance.**_

 **(Mercy sneaks behind Batman)**

 _ **Lex Luthor: What are you talking about? I don't know any…**_

 **(Mercy attempts to attack Batman. Batman realizes her presence and knocks her unconscious)**

"Jesus Christ on a Kentucky wildflower. Mercy's getting her ass handed to her in this episode. You know, for a personal bodyguard you do suck." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Luthor are soon interrupted by Luthor's guards as Batman leaves. Then, Luthor tells Mercy to call Joker and that he must be dealt with as well. Meanwhile at the Daily Planet, Lois tells Clark that she's planning on transferring to the Planet's Gotham City bureau to be closer to Bruce.**

 _ **Clark Kent: Does this mean you and Bruce…?**_

 _ **Lois Lane: We haven't made a formal commitment or anything, but yeah. It's that serious.**_

"Really? I'm not sure how many days past in this crossover but those two have been on like two, one of which included gunplay and kidnapping. Lady, are you sure you're not confusing Bruce Wayne with Bruce Wallet? Sure you're not trying to get his Bat-Credit Card?

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: A Bat-Credit Card!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **is shown)**

 _ **BJ Harrison (Played by George Hamilton): Now we had an agreement!**_

"Oops. Sorry." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Perry White, voiced by George Dzundza, breaks the news about a distress call from a cruise ship and Lois gets to work on the story while Clark sneaks away and flies off as Superman. Meanwhile, Bruce is working out at his hotel and he sees a blimp, inviting him to Hobbs Bay.**

 **(Bruce sees the Joker's blimp with a sign on it that says "Laff Night At Hobbs Bay")**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: What the devil is he up to now?**_

"Working a comedy club, It's amateur night. I have a lot of good stand-up comedy jokes that I've been working on. I can do one about my drunk Uncle Tony or as what my mom and members of the family like to call him "Jabba"." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman flies off to Hobbs Bay in his new Jet-Wing. Buy the action figure, kids. While Superman arrives at the cruise ship, the captain tells Superman that there's nothing wrong until they see a small boat next to the ocean liner transmitting a signal, which turns out to be a bomb, destroying the hull of the ship. Batman arrives at Hobbs Bay to contend with the Joker, until he deals with one of his new toys.**

 **(The Wayne/Lex T-7 robot appears)**

 _ **Joker: Think of it as a welcome wagon, Bats. Welcoming you to the nearest mortuary.**_

 **(The robot fires his laser as the Joker laughs)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now we're on part three of** _ **World's Finest**_ **, where we see the ocean liner is sinking and Superman repairs the damage and prevents it from sinking. Back with Batman, we see him contending with the killer weaponized spider robot and the fight escalates and moves into the city with the robot on his tail and to the** _ **Daily Planet**_ **, in which he rescues Lois Lane.**

 _ **Batman: Let me guess. You're the only one here.**_

 **(Lois nods her head as Batman snatches her up right when the Wayne/Lex T-7 robot attacks)**

"Oh, boy. The janitor is going to have one hell of a night cleaning up that mess." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The fight leads to the Planet's printing room as Batman fights off the killer robot, but he ends up losing his cape and cowl into the press.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **plays)**

 _ **Andrea Beaumont (Voiced by Dana Delany): (After realizing who Batman is after standing near Thomas and Martha Wayne's grave) Bruce?**_

"Oops. Wrong cartoon." Sean said, picking up his remote.

 _ **Lois Lane: (After seeing who Batman is) Bruce?**_

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Bruce Wayne, in his Batman outfit while fighting the robot) Oh, hi Lois. Oh, fu….**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman manages destroy the robot by pushing it into the printing press…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Tomorrow Never Dies**_ **is shown)**

 _ **James Bond (Played by Pierce Brosnan): They'll print anything these days.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But he has a lot of explaining to do for Lois.**

 _ **Lois Lane: So when were you gonna tell me? The honeymoon?**_

"Busted." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luthor learns that the robot failed to eliminate Batman and learns that he'll be connected to the crime, so he arranges one last meeting with Joker to cut his losses. Back at Lois' apartment, Lois is treating a wound on Bruce's shoulder and she is fifty shades of pissed off at the hunky billionaire.**

 _ **Lois Lane: How could you have lied to me like that?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Now, I never actually said I wasn't Batman.**_

 **(Lois slaps Bruce's wound on his shoulder)**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Ow!**_

Sean starts laughing a bit. "I love Lois, even though she's trying to get his wallet, she's got moxy and she doesn't take any sass."

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Lois leaves to get some iodine for his wound, Superman shows up to talk to him.**

 _ **Superman: I see she's taking it well.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: It's ironic, you know. She likes Bruce Wayne and she likes Superman. It's the other two guys she's not crazy about.**_

 _ **Superman: Too bad we can't mix-and-match.**_

"Just wait until season three, Superman." Sean said, referencing the second Batman/Superman crossover episode _Knight Time_.

"See, this is how they should've done _Dawn of Justice_. Whoever wrote this, please take notes." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Lex has one last meeting with The Joker and Harley Quinn at LexCorp aeronautics factory and after having enough of the clown's shit, Luthor intends to kill them both by taking half of the Kryptonite and let them take the fall.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver) TRAITOR!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the two manage to turn the tables on Luthor and they steal a gigantic and heavily armed airship called the Lexwing.**

"Mark Hamill flew an X-Wing in the _Star Wars_ movies, now he's flying a Lexwing." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.

 **(The Joker starts laughing while Mercy holds them at gunpoint)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And get this, Harley paints it so that it resembles a grinning mouth. (Chuckles)**

 _ **Joker: I love to personalize all my stuff. (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker decides to kidnap Luthor and level Metropolis just to show what it's like to lose everything, just like he lost everything to Batman. And by losing everything, he means destroying everything that Luthor has built because he's built half of Metropolis. Batman and Superman arrive and they contend with the giant versions of the Wayne/Lex T-7 robots while the Joker takes off in the deadly airship in one of my favorite moments from part three of World's Finest. Batam and Superman destroy the robots and save Mercy as she tells them about the Joker's plans to destroy Metropolis but before they go after the psychotic clown, they have to contend with the second to last boss in a video game.**

"A giant, larger and more advanced spider robot with half of the Kryptonite taped to it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman goes after the Joker in his Batjet to stop him from destroying Metropolis and…**

 **(The Lexwing fires its missiles on a Lexcorp building, destroying it.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jesus!**

 **(The Joker laughs)**

"That's going to be a lot of money to repair for the damages. Probably about $50 million." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While The Joker is raising some hell in the skies, Superman continues to fight the giant, Kryptonite-armed robot but gets his ass handed to him when the robot smashes a door on him. But just as all hope seems to have lost, Superman picks up the door and we get this awesome moment.**

 _ **Superman: Lead-lined doors. I'll have to thank Luthor.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Superman destroys the giant spider robot and the Kryptonite after smashing it into a mountain. Back with Batman, he has a little dogfight with Joker by firing his missiles at the giant ship and we get one of my favorite Joker moments.**

 _ **Joker: What do you got in the way of air-to-air missiles, Lex?**_

 _ **Lex Luthor: You're asking me for help?**_

 _ **Joker: If I go down, you go down.**_

 _ **Lex Luthor: It's a red switch.**_

 _ **Joker: Which red…? Oh, the heck with it.**_

 **(Joker starts pushing buttons)**

"What's this button do? What's this button do? What's this button?" Sean said, imitating The Joker and starts laughing like him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman climbs aboard and enters the destructive ship to fight Joker while Superman arrives just in the nick of time to steer the plane away from colliding into a building with everyone on board. While fighting Batman, Joker accidentally drops his entire bag of marble grenades and they start to go off as Superman, Batman, Luthor and Harley get out of the Lexwing. As for Joker, he is left behind to meet his doom, and we get his second Epic Joker Laugh.**

 **(As the grenades explode, the Joker starts laughing maniacally in the face of death as the Lexwing explodes)**

"And just like that, The Joker is finally, positively, truly, surely, absolutely, stone cold dead." Sean said, then starts laughing. While he's busy laughing, an audience starts laughing as well and also Brian and Dave, who start laughing as well.

 **(We get a montage of different characters from different movies and television shows laughing: Valentin Zukovsky and his men from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **laughing, Charlie Murphy from** _ **Chappelle's Show**_ **laughing, the Nostalgia Critic laughing, J. Jonah Jameson from** _ **Spider-Man 2**_ **laughing, Kevin from** _ **Home Alone 2: Lost in New York**_ **laughing, Sal Vulcano from** _ **Impractical Jokers**_ **laughing and falling to the floor)**

"The Joker, dead!" Sean continues to laugh as the room is filled with hearty laughs.

 _ **Mercy Graves: Now that's funny. (Laughs) Ow!**_

 _ **Harley Quinn: Puddin'!**_

 _ **Batman: At this point, he probably is.**_

"Ohhh! Damn! That just got dark. But can you blame him? He sure couldn't and an exploding plane." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thus, all is right in the world and the day is saved. Luthor is exonerated for his involvement with the Joker and Bruce terminates his partnership with LexCorp, Harley Quinn is returned to Arkham in a more hilarious way.**

 _ **Harley Quinn: I want a doctor! I want a lawyer! I want a cheese sandwich!**_

"Wait, what? A doctor and a lawyer, I get. But why a cheese sandwich? Get me a mega monster burger with unlimited fries from IHOP." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes settled their differences and earned their newfound respect for each other. As Bruce prepares to leave for Gotham, Lois ends her romance with him and realizes that she could never have him due to his commitment to being Batman and she decides to stay in Metropolis. And Clark and Bruce say their goodbyes to each other.**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Come to make sure I'm leaving?**_

 _ **Clark Kent: Actually, I thought we worked pretty well together. Not that I wanna make it a regular event.**_

"Don't worry. We still have two more crossover episodes in season three and _Justice League_. It's gonna be a regular event." Sean said, imitating Bruce Wayne

 _ **Bruce Wayne: She's all yours now, if you can handle that. But you'd better be good to her, because I know where you live.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, there's nothing better than a good ol' fashioned death threat between friends, right? Good times, good times. And the episode ends with Bruce flying back to Gotham City while Clark sees him off.**

"And that was _World's Finest._ And yes, it's that damn good." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **World's Finest**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, what is there to say about this episode. You have an excellent story that's very engaging and well-paced, the animation is well done and superb as always, you have exciting action, great humor and the two main characters having fairly equal screen time. Hell, this should've been the real Dawn of Justice right there. This episode is a great example of the DC animated universe. Plus, the voice cast is awesome as always. If you own** _ **The Batman/Superman Movie**_ **or** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **on DVD, watch it. I recommend it. That's why I'm giving** _ **World's Finest**_ **5 Joker cards out of 5.**

"That's all the time we have for Sean's Story Arc. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before getting up from off of his couch and leaves the living room.

 **And that's all for the Mayhem Critic's review of the** _ **Superman: TAS**_ **episode** _ **World's Finest**_ **? Did you enjoy reading the new chapter and did you enjoy watching the episode when you watched it for the first time? I have and I still do. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, I will be reviewing either** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **or** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **. Which one do you want me to review?**

 _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **: Sean takes a look at the final chapter of Francis Ford Coppola's film series and asks the question, "What the hell was Coppola thinking?".**

 **Or**

 _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **: Sean takes a look at the sequel to the 1984 hit to see if it's the best sequel ever and gets haunted by two film critics from the past. Who could they be?**

 **Don't forget to review this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you haven't checked out the GoldenEye review, feel free to read and review it. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	32. Episode Twenty-Nine-1: Godfather III

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Okay, so this review is going to be a two-parter since the movie that I'm gonna review is 2hr., 50min. Today, I am going to be reviewing the trainwreck simply known as** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **and simply ask what the hell was Coppola thinking. So here it is part one of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **review. Enjoy.**

 **Episode Twenty-Nine (Part 1)**

 **The Godfather Part III**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before talking about today's topic. "Let's talk about movie trilogies. Why are there so goddamn many of them?"

 **(Clips from different movie trilogies are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's like movie directors have a wet dream about the number three. Every trilogy has got to have a beginning, middle and end approach to the film series. Trilogies are the preferred form of a multi-film narrative. When you go for the three film tactic, you have some trilogies that are good: like the** _ **Iron Man**_ **trilogy, the original** _ **Star Wars**_ **trilogy, the** _ **Toy Story**_ **trilogy, the** _ **Lord of the Rings**_ **trilogy and Christopher Nolan's** _ **Dark Knight**_ **trilogy. Then, you have the third film in the trilogy that sucks tons of ass. With every** _ **Mummy**_ **film there's** _ **Tomb of the Dragon Emperor,**_ **with every** _ **Matrix**_ **movie there's** _ **The Matrix Revolutions**_ **, with every** _ **Alien**_ **film there's** _ **Alien 3**_ **, with every** _ **X-Men**_ **movie there's** _ **X-Men: The Last Stand**_ **and twice with** _ **X-Men Apocalypse**_ **, with every** _ **NeverEnding Story**_ **film there's** _ **The NeverEnding Story III**_ **and with every RoboCop movie there's** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **.**

"So why is the third film in the film trilogy always a disappointment? Well, let's take at today's topic that's the prime example of the worst film in the film trilogy, _The Godfather Part III_." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 25, 1990. The Godfather Part III was the highly-anticipated sequel to one of the greatest and most beloved American crime sagas ever produced. The film was released sixteen years after the release of** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **. But before we talk about** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **, let's talk about** _ **The Godfather**_ **and** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **. By the way, there will be spoilers for the first two movies if you haven't seen them before you read this review.**

 **(Clips from** _ **The Godfather**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **The Godfather**_ **was released in 1972 and it was directed by Francis Ford Coppola, produced by Albert S. Ruddy and based on the best-selling novel by Mario Puzo. The film starred the late Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone, the patriarch and the Don of a New York crime family, Al Pacino as his son youngest son Michael Corleone, James Caan as Sonny Corleone, Robert Duvall as Tom Hagen, Diane Keaton as Kay Adams, the late John Cazale as Fredo Corleone and Talia Shire as Connie Corleone. This movie is a family melodrama told in an operatic scale that deals with America, the plight of immigration and the pursuit of happiness, greed, corruption and crime. The film also focuses on Michael's transformation from being a family outsider to a ruthless mafia boss. The film was the highest-grossing film of 1972 and one of the greatest gangster movies ever made. It won an Oscar for Best Actor and Best Adapted Screenplay.**

 **(Clips from** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Enter** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **, the prequel/sequel to the original movie. With the sequel focusing on Michael as the new Don protecting the family business after an attempt on his life, the prequel focused on the journey of his father Vito, played by Robert De Niro. The film got mixed reviews but it's still a damn good movie.**

"My only nitpick about this movie is the runtime. It's like 3hrs. 22min! My God. I'm sorry but the movie bored me to death. I still like but it's too damn long. It felt like that I grew old and died from watching that movie." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean is sitting on his couch watching** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **. While watching the movie, we see Sean aging a bit, getting older and older. We cut back to footage from the film and we cut back to Sean, who's now a skeleton and his jaw falls off)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But yeah,** _ **The Godfather**_ **and** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **were pretty awesome. There's no way that you can continue on with the film series.** _ **Part II**_ **had the perfect ending, it ended with Michael being the most powerful and feared gangster. He killed his brother, he killed his enemies, he pushed his friends away and he pushed his wife away. But Coppola decided that he got to have money, by making a third sequel sixteen years later.**

"Well, from the looks of it we see that the late Gordon Willis came back to work on the film as a cinematographer, Coppola was directing, Mario Puzo and Coppola worked on the screenplay and Pacino had come back. Nothing can possibly go wrong." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **is shown)**

 **(The sound of glass breaking is heard as we see Michael with his ridiculous haircut)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get the haircut….**

 **(We cut to Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And her….**

 **(We cut to Diane Keaton as Kay Adams)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And her….**

 **(We cut to Eli Wallach as Don Altobello)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And him….**

 **(We cut to Talia Shire as Connie Corleone)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And her….**

 **(Sean begins to notice George Hamilton sitting behind Talia Shire's character)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the hell? Is that George Hamilton?**

"Oh, this is gonna hurt." Sean said, imitating Robin Williams' character Batty from _Ferngully: The Last Rainforest_. "I'm not gonna like this one bit. By the way, this review will be in two parts and this is part one. But don't worry, I have my six-pack of Samuel Adams Boston Lager to help me get through this review. This is _The Godfather Part III_. God help me."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with an opening montage of the old Corleone Compound from** _ **Part II**_ **. It's all old, brokedown and abandoned, just like Michael. Then, we get Michael's voiceover and him writing to his children Mary and Anthony, letting them and the audience know what's going on throughout the years.**

 _ **Michael Corleone (Played by Al Pacino): (V/O) My dear children. It is now better than several years since I moved to New York and I haven't seen you as much as I would like to.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And the film let's us know that it's 1979 after we cut to New York. We see that Michael, played by Al Pacino, is at a church ceremony of Papal honors because he is being awarded for his charitable work. We see that his children Anthony and Mary are living with their mother Kay, whom Michael divorced. Did I mention he donated part of his wealth in charitable acts? But hey, God knows what Michael did to his brother and the film reminds us what happened at the end of** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **.**

 **(The scene shows a flashback to Fredo's assassination)**

 **Sean: (V/O as God) I know what you did, Michael. You will burn in Hell for this.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Michael is named a Commander of the Order of Saint Sebastian. Then, we cut to a party at Michael's apartment and we're introduced to Vincent Mancini, played by Andy Garcia, who's Cuban.**

"A Cuban playing an Italian. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, Brian De Palma's _The Untouchables_. He played George Wallace." Sean said, mentioning Andy Garcia's character.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In case you were wondering who Vincent Mancini is, he's the illegitimate son of Sonny Corleone and his mistress Lucy Mancini, the chick that Sonny banged at his sister's wedding.**

"That storyline gets crazier in the novel, trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Remember how crazy Sonny was in the first film?**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Godfather**_ **is shown, showing the scene where Sonny beats up Carlo on the street in front of people)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, here's the thing about Vincent. He's a tad bit crazy.**

 **(Different scenes from** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **are shown)**

 _ **Vincent Mancini (Played by Andy Garcia) (After pushing Joe) You want to dance with me, sweetie?**_

 **(Vincent grabs Joe and attacks him./Next clip shows Vincent biting Joey Zaza's ear off./The third clip shows Vincent shooting and killing two hitmen)**

"Did I say a "tad bit crazy"? I meant he's fucking crazy. He's like Danny Bonaduce, Mark Hamill's The Joker, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Vegeta combined. You got one guy who's uber crazy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After arriving at the reception and getting hit on by girls we come to…**

 _ **Mary Corleone (Played by Sofia Coppola): Hi, Vincent. I remember you.**_

"Oh, God." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating and sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mary Corleone played by Sofia Coppola. The worst part of The Godfather Part III and you didn't think that was going to talk about her, didn't you? Yeah, Coppola has a tendency of sneaking his own daughter in his movies like The Outsiders and New York Stories, in this one he gave her a starring role.**

 **(A clip from** _ **In Sanity, Florida**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Emma Scott Fitzgerald (Played by Tommi Rose): Grab yourself some popcorn, this is gonna be good.**_

 **(A montage of Mary Corleone in The Godfather Part III is shown)**

 _ **Mary Corleone: I really love him./I'm your little cousin./I love my family.**_

"Ugh, she does better as a director." Brian said after taking a gulp of white wine.

"Agreed." Sean said, taking a sip of his Boston lager.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, she played Michael's infant nephew in that classic baptism/murder montage in** _ **The Godfather**_ **and she played the small immigrant child in** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **. Hell, Coppola tends to put his family in his movies: his son the late Gian-Carlo Coppola as Cousin James in** _ **Rumble Fish**_ **and he was the associate producer of** _ **The Outsiders**_ **, his sister Talia Shire, his other son Roman Coppola as young Sonny Corleone in** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **, his father the late Carmine Coppola to compose the music for** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **and** _ **III**_ **and** _ **The Outsiders**_ **and his nephew Nicolas Cage as Vincent Dwyer in** _ **The Cotton Club**_ **. Nepotism much, Coppola. But hey, bad casting choice. Here's an interesting factoid: Julia Roberts was originally cast as Mary but she dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, then there was Madonna who wanted to play the part but Coppola felt that she was too old.**

"Too old? Dude, she was only 30 or 31 at that time. That is not old. Look at her now at age 60. She's still smoking hot in her 60s. So you shut the fuck about her being old, fat boy!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A press photo of Rebecca Schaeffer for** _ **My Sister Sam**_ **is shown as well as other photos of Schaeffer)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then of course there's the late Rebecca Schaeffer who was set to audition for the role of Mary Corleone, but she was murdered by Robert John Bardo. And this upsets me because if she wasn't murdered by that fucking psycho, she would've gotten the role. She would've been great but her life ended shortly.**

"Last but not least, there's Wynona Ryder but she dropped out of the film the last minute. Don't worry, in two years she'll star in Bram Stoker's Dracula." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we see Coppola putting on her best bad acting skills and she starts flirting with him and before I forget, yes they're cousins but we'll get to that later. And trust me we will. Anyway, Michael gives 100 million dollars to the church to help the people of Sicily and he starts talking to Archbishop Gilday, played by the late Irish actor Donal Donnelly.**

 _ **Archbishop Gilday (Played by the late Donal Donnelly): Michael. You've done a wonderful thing for Sicily.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Let's just hope that the money gets to the people who need it.**_

 _ **Archbishop Gilday: Amen.**_

"Wink, fucking, wink." Sean said, giving a wink.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Michael's ex-wife, Kay, played by Diane Keaton, is remarried and the two have an uneasy reunion when Kay tells him that his son Anthony, played by Franc D'Ambrosio, wants to talk to him about something important. To make a long story short, his son doesn't want to practice law, he wants to become an opera singer.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: What's wrong with being a lawyer?**_

 _ **Kay Adams Michaelson (Played by Diane Keaton): Nothing, except he doesn't want it. He loves music, he wants his life to be in music.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Music is great, I love music. But he should finish what he started.**_

"I love music too but it's his choice to become a professional singer. He's an adult, let him live his own life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael wants Anthony to finish law school or join the family business, but Anthony tells his father "fuck you, I'm becoming a singer.". Then, Michael and Kay get into an argument.**

 _ **Kay Adams Michaelson: Now that you're so respectable, I think you're more dangerous than ever. In fact, I preferred you when you were just a common Mafia hood.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Now, can we talk common sense here?**_

 _ **Kay Adams Michaelson: Tony knows that you killed Fredo.**_

"Wait, how the fuck did Anthony know that Michael killed Fredo? He wasn't there! He didn't witness the whole thing! Michael's bodyguard probably took Anthony to get some ice cream." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (as Anthony) I want to stay with daddy and fish with Uncle Fredo.**

 **Rob: (as Bodyguard) Your dad wants me to take you to go get some ice cream. How does chocolate and vanilla sound?**

 **Sean: Holy cow, daddy's going to kill Uncle Fredo, is he?**

 **Rob: Want sprinkles with your ice cream?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Michael Corleone: I spent my life protecting my son. I spent my life protecting my family!**_

 _ **Kay Adams Michaelson: Let's be reasonable, okay?**_

"Reasonable? The last time you tried to be reasonable you ended up getting a slap in the face by Michael after telling him that you aborted his unborn child. And second, the reason why Michael killed Fredo was because he was weak and stupid." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Fredo Corleone (Played by the late John Cazale): I can handle things, I'm smart! Not like everybody says.**_

"This coming from a guy who dropped his gun right when his daddy gets shot five times." Sean said.

"He could've heard the gunshot and guessed what happened. And also, Fredo betrayed Michael's secrets to that Jewish dude." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Vincent the cousin picker-up…(clears throat), I mean Vincent, has moved on from his cousin, thank God, to a beautiful reporter by the name of Grace Hamilton, played by Bridget Fonda, and he starts flirting with her.**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: You could hurt somebody with those. You've been working too hard. Let me show you around.**_

 _ **Grace Hamilton (Played by Bridget Fonda): Can you get me an interview with Michael Corleone?**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: No. I'm a relative, but I can't do that. What else can I do for you?**_

 _ **Grace Hamilton: Handsome, but useless.**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Oh, yeah?**_

"How about you come over to my place tonight? I have a fine Cuban cigar that you can smoke. And by Cuban cigar, I mean my d…" Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Bronson**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy) Shut your fucking mouth!**_

"Sorry, Tom Hardy. Please don't turn into Venom and eat my limbs." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now we're back to Michael, who is talking to his own Godfather named Don Altobello, played by the late Eli Wallach. And he's a sweet old man, isn't he?**

 _ **Don Altobello (Played by the late Eli Wallach): My duty to God is clear. I have a special favor to ask you. Can I attach my name to the Vito Corleone Foundation, so that you and I can be joined in name and spirit?**_

 **(Don Altobello gives Michael a check for $1 million dollars)**

 _ **Don Altobello: One million dollars.**_

"A check for $1 million dollars that he gave to Michael. Isn't he a sweet, old man?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.

"Don't trust him." A voice said.

Sean began to look around the room trying to figure out where the mysterious voice is coming from.

"What the hell was that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to another character named BJ Harrison, played by George Hamilton and he's Michael's lawyer. Wow, I didn't know that Spencer Blitz worked as a lawyer for the Mafia before moving to Westport. And another character we're introduced to Father Andrew Hagen, played by John Savage from** _ **The Deer Hunter**_ **. Andrew is the son of Tom Hagen. I just wanted to let you know that because it's totally irrelevant.**

"Originally, Tom Hagen was supposed to be in the movie, but Robert Duvall dropped out because he wanted to get paid a salary comparable to Pacino's. So when Duvall dropped out, Coppola rewrote the screenplay with Hagen dying before the story began. In the 2006 novel _The Godfather's Revenge_ , Tom Hagen was kidnapped by the traitorous Corleone caporegime Nick Geraci and drowned in the Florida Everglades." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael's personal enforcer and assassin Al Neri, played by the late Richard Bright, lets him know that Joey Zasa has arrived. And who is Joey Zasa? Well, he's the guy that owns of what used to be the Corleone family business. He's played by Agent David Rossi himself Joe Mantegna.**

"Fun fact: the character is based on three real life Mafia members Joseph Colombo, Joe Gallo and John Gotti." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He tells Michael that he has a problem with one Vincent Mancini and he has a hundred dollar beef with him and Connie, played by Talia Shire, arranges Vincent to meet with Zasa.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: What does all this have to do with me?**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Well, he's going on behind your back saying "Fuck Michael Corleone" all the time. That's it. See? That's one thing it has to do with you. Right? Say it to his face, one time. Say it to his face, one time!**_

"It's more than that." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael tells Vincent to make his peace with Zaza and right when he does that, Zasa calls Vincent a "bastardo" and this happens.**

 **(Vincent bites Zasa's ear)**

 _ **Al Neri (Played by the late Richard Bright): (Pulling Vincent away from Zasa after he bites his ear) Vinne, for Christ sakes! What the hell's the matter with you? Get him out of here.**_

 **Michael Corleone: Jesus Christ.**

"Kay was right. This whole family is fucking crazy." Sean said, imitating Michael Corleone.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael is troubled by his nephew's fiery temper but he's impressed by his loyalty to the family and his pimpdom, so he brings him into the family picture. Hmm, where have I seen this before?**

 **(A clip from The Godfather is shown, showing Michael bringing Kay into family picture)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. From the first film. Also, while Michael is dancing with his daughter, they're playing The Godfather theme by the late Nino Rota. Back at Vincent's apartment, Vincent is in bed with that reporter from the party. Well, at least it's not his cousin. And…. (Sees Vincent's hairy chest) Oh, good lord!**

"His chest is hairy! What did they do skin a cat and glued it's fur onto Andy Garcia's chest? His chest is hairier than Austin Powers'." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they hear a noise and Grace asks him if he has a cat. Vincent doesn't say anything and he tells her go get him a glass of water. What Grace doesn't realize is that Vincent sent her out as bait to draw out whoever it was that was making noise in the apartment. And lo and behold, two home invaders wearing pantyhose on their heads.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Raising Arizona**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hayseed in the Pickup (Played by John O'Donnal): Son, you got a panty on your head.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of the home invaders, enter the bedroom to kill Vincent, but Vincent jumps him and holds him at gunpoint while the other guy holds Grace at knifepoint.**

"Dude, haven't you learn from _The Untouchables_? You pull a knife, he pulls a gun. You send her to the hospital, he sends you and your partner to the morgue." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Untouchables**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jimmy Malone (Played by Sean Connery): That's the Chicago way.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we get more of Vincent's craziness.**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: What are you fucking crazy? I hardly even know this broad, so cut her. What the fuck do I care?/(After the knife-wielding man cuts Grace) Hey! I wanna do something to convince you. Don't get frightened. Don't do any sudden movements. Just watch me, alright? You hear what I say? Okay.**_

 **(Vincent unloads a round in the first burglar's jaw in front of his partner)**

 _ **Mask #1 (Played by the late Rick Aviles): Oh, shit!**_

"Like father, like son. Am I right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the guy drops the knife and let's Grace go and Vincent tells him to sit down and have a smoke and he que… (Sees the guy playing the man with the knife and recognizes him) Oh, my God! That's Willie! That's Prospect Place Willie Lopez from** _ **Ghost**_ **! But that's for another future review for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. So anyway, Vincent interrogates the late Rick Aviles and forces him to tell him who sent him and his partner to kill him and the guy tells him who sent him.**

 _ **Mask #1: It was Joey… Joey Zasa.**_

 **(Vincent raises his gun and points it at the man)**

 _ **Mask #1: No!**_

 **(Vincent shoots and kills the man)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Pure pimpdom! Vincent tells Michael that Joey Zasa sent his men to kill him and that he sent him a message. So, Michael finally hires his nephew to work for him, and Connie says this line.**

 _ **Connie Corleone (Played by Talia Shire): Michael.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Yes?**_

 _ **Connie Corleone: Now they'll fear you.**_

"Can we play that line back one more time?" Sean asked.

 **Connie Corleone: Now they'll fear you.**

 **Sean: (V/O) And the footage from the first film, please.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Godfather**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Vito Corleone (Played by the late Marlon Brando): And then they will fear you.**_

"Uh, why? Why will they fear him now that he's hired Vincent? What? They didn't fear him before when he whacked Sollozzo and Capt. McCluskey? They didn't fear him when he whacked The Five Familes? Or how about when he whacked Johnny Ola and Hyman Roth? Did they fear him when he blackmailed Senator Pat Geary? Did they fear him when he killed his own brother? No! But now that they'll fear him now that he's hired Vincent. Really?

 **(Footage from** _ **The Godfather**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And how the hell does Connie know about that line? She wasn't there when it was said. She was busy getting married to her abusive husband Carlo. Michael wasn't even there when his daddy said that line. Hell, the everybody who was there to hear that line are now dead. Dead!**

"Ladies and gentlemen, a perfect example of Francis Ford Coppola giving the audience what they want and you know what it's just fucking stupid." Sean said.

 _ **Connie Corleone: Now they'll fear you.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Maybe they should fear you.**_

"What the? Is Michael trying to be funny? "Maybe they should fear you."? You're telling jokes? What are you a clown?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Goodfellas**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Tommy DeVito (Played by Joe Pesci): I'm funny, how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? Do I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fucking amuse you?**_

"What the hell is going on with this movie?" Sean asked before sipping his bottle of beer.

"Who wrote this movie?" Brian asked.

"Puzo and Coppola wrote this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's get through this confusing, boring and complicated plot that I'm trying to figure out. This movie is about Michael, who still wants go legit, even though it sounds like he has. He wants to go legit and he goes to see Archbishop Gilday, who's the head of the Vatican Bank. Unfortunately, he can't handle money because he's gotten the Church into $769 million dollars in debt.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: 769 million. The Church owns 25 percent of a large corporation. Immobiliare. You know the one I mean?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Michael offers the Bank $600 million dollars for controlling interests in Immobiliare. The biggest international real estate company in Europe. (Snores) And because Michael wants to be clean, purified and legitimate and redeemed, he excludes the other Mafia families from the deal. But guess who's not happy? The other Mafia families and even Don Altobello, who tells him that his partners on the Commission wants in on the Immobiliare deal.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Immobiliare must be legitimate.**_

 _ **Don Altobello: I know. But they're unhappy.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: And you?**_

"What I'm trying to tell you is that I want a piece of the money, or expect a horse's head in your bed the next morning." Sean said, impersonating Don Altobello.

"The Vatican Bank was in big trouble in the 80s, this explains where this subplot came from." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael asks Don Altobello to set up a meeting with the other Mafia dons to make peace. Because that always works. Right? We then cut to Vatican City, Rome. And for all you heathen children out there, that's in Italy. It's the location of the head of the Church and the home of the Pope. Michael travels to the Vatican and he learns that the Pope is dying, which is bad for Michael because he needs the Pope to finalize the corporate deal. Michael meets with all of the important members of Immobiliare and the Church.**

 _ **Archbishop Gilday: The Pope is gravely ill. Until he recovers, I am powerless.**_

 _ **BJ Harrison (Played by George Hamilton): What if he dies?**_

 _ **Frederick Keinszig (Played by Helmut Berger): Then as you Americans say, all bets are off.**_

"So, you're gambling on the Pope's life to see if he dies or not. You guys are sick, you know that? Sick." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The members of Immobiliare have no love for Michael, especially this asshole named Don Licio Lucchesi, played by Enzo Robutti, and he threatens Michael.**

 _ **Don Licio Lucchesi (Played by Enzo Robutti): Yes, you will take control. We'll gladly put you at the helm of our little fleet, but our ships must sail in the same direction. Otherwise, who can say how long your stay with us will last? It's not personal. It's only business. You should know, Godfather.**_

"What the hell does that mean? What does he mean by that? Is that a threat? I'm not sure but it doesn't sound good." Sean said.

 _ **Michael Corleone: We're back with the Borgias!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in New York, Vincent and Mary get together for cappuccino and we get more of Sofia Coppola's bad acting to keep me from pulling a** _ **13 Reasons Why**_ **on myself.**

 _ **Mary Corleone: Do you remember stories about our fathers? The old days?**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Yeah, what do you want to know?**_

 _ **Mary Corleone: What's Sonny like?**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Well, he was the Prince of the City.**_

"Uh, Sidney Lumet's _Prince of the City_ was released in 1981. And Sonny was not the Prince of the City, Treat Williams was the _Prince of the City_ and so was Prince. God, this movie is boring and this scene is entirely pointless. Coppola, I have three words for you." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Neal Page (Played by Steve Martin): Have a point!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the two start talking about their fathers as brothers and to tell you the truth, this is a pointless scene and I need another beer to sit through Sofia Coppola's acting. Later, Michael and Vincent fly to Atlantic City, New Jersey to meet with the other Mafia dons and he gives everyone a big fat check from the sale of his Las Vegas holdings.**

 _ **Leo Cuneo (Played by the late Al Ruscio): 50 million dollars!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This pleases the other Mafia dons, except for Zasa who gets pissed off at Michael for snubbing him.**

 _ **Joey Zasa (Played by Joe Mantegna): I say to all of you, I have been treated this day with no respect. I've earned you all money. I've made you rich and I asked for little. Good. You will not give, I'll take! As for Don Corleone, he makes it very clear to me today that he is my enemy. You must choose between us.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **season 11 episode** _ **Grift of the Magi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Fat Tony (Voiced by Joe Mantegna) I don't get mad. I get stabby.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zasa storms out of the room and sweet old Don Altobello follows him to reason with him.**

"Don't trust him. He's the Ugly." A mysterious voice said as Sean starts looking around the room again.

"Did anybody else hear that? I must be going crazy." Sean said.

 **Sean: Right after Altobello leaves the room, the meeting continues and then we get…**

 **(A helicopter hovers outside the conference room)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, no.**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: It's a hit! Let's go!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, no.**

 **(Zasa locks them all in the conference room as the hit men in the helicopter start shooting at the Mafia dons)**

"Oh, God." Sean said, rubbing his temples after removing his glasses. "What is this? What am I watching? Am I watching a _Godfather_ movie or am I watching a John Woo movie? What is this?!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zasa calls in a helicopter strike and kills everybody with uzis, that is not Godfather material. It would work for an action movie, but not this. Coppola, what are you thinking?! And check out this asshole whining about his lucky coat.**

 _ **Albert Volpe (Played by Carmine Caridi): My coat!**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Forget your coat!**_

 _ **Albert Volpe: It's my lucky coat! It's my lucky coat!**_

 **(Volpe gets riddled with bullets and dies)**

"Dude, fuck the coat! Get your ass out of here or get behind cover. Just leave the coat. Yeah, you'd last long in the Mafia. Can you imagine if something like that happen to me?" Sean asked before cutting to the cutaway gag.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean's house is getting shot up and we see Sean trying to get his Xbox One X)**

 **Sean: My Xbox!**

 **Brian: Dude, forget your Xbox!**

 **Sean: It's my Xbox One X!**

 **Dave: Sean, leave it! Just get out of here!**

 **Sean: I'm not leaving without my Xbox One X!**

 **(A bullet almost hits Sean but hits his Xbox One X)**

 **Sean: Fuck this, I'll buy a new one!**

 **(Sean runs out of the house)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **(Footage from** _ **The Godfather**_ **and** _ **The Godfather Part II**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In the first two films, the deaths were all creative and they felt realistic. I mean come on, why is Zasa killing everybody? They didn't snub him, Michael did. Couldn't he just shoot him with a.38 or kill him with a car bomb or just rig the room to explode? Hell, John Gotti was better at whacking Paul Castellano than Joey Zasa. Plus, Michael is the only one in the films that knows how to kill people efficiently, the dude is a genius. Anyway, Michael, Vincent and Al survive the massacre and they escape to Michael's apartment to have a nice helping of spaghetti.**

 _ **Al Neri: The old Dons were pretty much wiped out. The ones that survived made deals with Joey Zasa.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Altobello?**_

 _ **Al Neri: He survived. He's with his daughters in Staten Island. He says he's going to retire in Sicily.**_

"Why do I get the feeling that I shouldn't trust the sweet old Don Altobello?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vincent wants to whack Zasa but Michael tells him to shut up and then we get classic line referenced in every TV show that I could name.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Good Luck Charlie**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Gabe Duncan (Played by Bradley Steven Perry): Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Cheers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **is shown)**

 _ **George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Sopranos**_ **is on)**

 _ **Silvio Dante (Played by Steve Van Zandt): Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in**_ **.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Michael has a diabetic stroke and we get Al Pacino giving his over-the-top performance.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Run at thunder, girl! Thunder can't hurt!/You deceitful old fuck! Altobello, you fuck!/Fredo! Fredo!**_

Sean scoffs. "A stroke of bad acting."

 **Sean: (Narrating) BJ informs Archbishop Gilday that Michael has suffered a diabetic stroke and that he's in a coma. Then Gilday tells Harrison that the Pope has not much time left and he's in a difficult position and that the deal must go through as soon as possible. And then we get this shocker after Harrison leaves when Keinszig, played by Helmut Berger appears.**

 _ **Frederick Keinszig: Everything will be out in the open if Corleone dies.**_

 _ **Archbishop Gilday: Play for time, Keinszig. A habit born of a long contemplation of eternity.**_

"Okay, let me spare you guys some confusion." Sean said.

 **(Pictures of Lucchesi, Don Altobello and Archbishop Gilday are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember that asshole from the Vatican Lucchesi, that sweet old Don Altobello who left the room to miss the massacre? Altobello is working with Lucchesi and Archbishop Gilday. They never intended to let Michael buy the corporation, they wanted Michael to pay off the debt in exchange for nothing. Meanwhile, Vincent, Connie and Al pray for Michael's recovery while they discuss their plan to whack Zasa.**

"Wait a minute, this is all too familiar. Hmm, Vito recovering in the hospital. Michael recovering in the hospital. Vito has a lawyer. Michael has a lawyer. You have The Turk and you have Joey Zasa. It's the exact same plot as The Godfather! Damn it, Coppola!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Kay visits Michael at the hospital to see how he's doing.**

 **Kay Adams Michaelson: You know, it's the first time I've never seen you looking so helpless.**

"At least ask me how I'm doing, not call me helpless you daft bitch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kay thanks Michael for Tony and tells him that he will be making his operatic debut in Palermo, Sicily this Easter.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: I will be there, I won't miss that. I won't miss that.**_

"Yeah, if you live to see that day." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Michael is recovering, Mary goes to visit her cousin Vincent and they start to have a boring ass conversation. So, the two start rolling doughballs and hold hands and this happens.**

 _ **Mary Corleone: I love you, cous.**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: I love you too, cous. Let us cook.**_

 **(Vincent wraps his arms around Mary and kisses her neck and her cheek. Then, him and Mary kiss each other)**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Hold me.**_

 **(Vincent and Mary continue to kiss passionately)**

"Okay, play it." Sean said.

 _ **Singers: Incest in the morning.**_

 _ **Announcer: Suppressed memories.**_

 _ **Singers: 97.1.**_

"What the hell is that reference from?" Brian asked.

" _Family Guy_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. We get a dull, useless romantic subplot between Mary and her cousin Vincent and they're committing incest. Hell, Jaime and his sister Cersei from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **were better at it. And I should be binging on all seven seasons on DVD right now than watch this confusing as hell movie. Plus, I don't think that your grandpa Vito would approve of this and I'm just glad that he wasn't there to see this. We cut to an Italian street festival that's hosted by Joey Zasa's Italian American civil rights group and Zasa gets taunted by this guy, Lou Pennino played by Robert Cicchini.**

 _ **Lou Pennino (Played by Robert Cicchini): Hey, Joey Zasa! Joey, up your ass!**_

 _ **Anthony "The Ant" Squigliaro (Played by Vito Antuofermo): Hey!**_

 _ **Joey Zasa: Who is this? Do you know him?**_

 _ **Lou Pennino: (Sits on the hood of the car) Who's going to win the car, huh? The Ant?**_

 _ **Joey Zasa: Hey! Would you get off of the fucking car? Do you have a raffle ticket.**_

 _ **Lou Pennino: Joey, take a look at my raffle ticket!**_

 **(Lou starts keying the car)**

 _ **Lou Pennino: Here's what I think of you… and your raffle ticket.**_

"Okay, when you start keying a 1979 Cadillac, you deserve to get whacked." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, there's no way Vincent is going to whack somebody in public…**

 **(One of the men shoot and kill The Ant with a double-barreled shotgun. Then two more of Zasa's men get gunned down as well while Zasa makes a run for it.)**

 _ **Lou Pennino: (While chasing Zasa) Run, Joey! You piece of shit!**_

"Wow, that escalated quickly. But hey, Vito would be proud of Vincent for what he's going to do next. But didn't Michael specifically say not to touch Joey Zasa?" Sean asked.

 **(Vincent appears on a horse while wearing a patrolman outfit)**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: How are you, Joe?**_

"I repeat, he specifically said not to…" Sean said.

 **(Vincent shoots Zasa in the back twice, then shoots him one more time)**

 _ **Vincent Mancin: Zasa!**_

"Well, shit. That's one pointless villain out of the picture. He was just taking a lot of subplot, which has nothing to do with the movie. It deals with the Vatican and Immobiliare and Michael going legit and incest. Well, at least Michael won't find out about it." Sean said.

 _ **Michael Corleone: Don't ever again give that kind of order. Not while I'm alive.**_

"To be fair, he was in the hospital. He had to get the orders from someone." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael finds out about the assassination of Joey Zasa and he not to thrilled about it.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: It was the wrong decision. I command this family! Right or wrong it was not what I wanted!**_

"Stroke of bad acting. I mean come on, you're Al Pacino! How do you go from this?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Godfather**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Don't ask me about my business, Kay.**_

 _ **Kay Adams-Corleone: Is it true?**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Don't ask me about my business.**_

 _ **Kay Adams-Corleone: No…**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Enough!**_

"And this." Sean said.

 **(Another clip from** _ **The Godfather**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Don't ever take sides with anyone against the family again.**_

"To this." Sean said.

 _ **Michael Corleone: I spent my life protecting my family!/Altobello, you fuck!/It was not what I wanted!**_

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In fact, it should've gone like this.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Brian (as Vincent): He saw you as a threat. I felt a threat had to be dealt with.**

 **Sean: (as Michael) Without informing me, you were going to do it. I would've talked you out of it, and you damn well knew it.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Vincent, Al and Connie agree to never do anything like that again, Michael and Vincent have a little chat with each other, regarding Vincent's relationship with Mary.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Vincent…**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: So I hear.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: What are you doing with my daughter? What are you doing with her?**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Vincent) I was giving her my Cuban cigar.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: It's too dangerous.**_

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen. You know he's gonna keep seeing her behind your back. God, how long is this movie? This review is going to be in two parts. Alright, to spare you the boredom…." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrates) Michael recovers and we cut to Bagheria, Sicily. The almost end! We're at the almost end of this boring movie.**

"We're going to have to stop here. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time for part two of my review of _The Godfather Part III_ and question Coppola's logic." Sean said.

 **And that was part one of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **review. Next time,** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **review continues. Also after I finish with part two of the review, I'm thinking of reviewing either** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **, do another Top 11 Countdown, this time with** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **or a review of the Batman: The Animated Series episode from season four called** _ **Cold Comfort**_ **. Which one should I do after the review of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **?**

 _ **Ghostbusters II**_

 _ **Top 11 Batman: TAS Episodes**_

 **A review of the** _ **Batman: TAS**_ **episode** _ **Cold Comfort**_

 **I'll see you guys next time for the continuation of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **review. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	33. Episode Twenty-Nine-2: Godfather III

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and it's a continuation of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **. Let's see if Sean the Mayhem Critic gets through this review as quick and humanly possible. So here it is, the continuation of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **review. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I should've mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this review. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **is owned by Paramount Pictures, Zoetrope Studios and Francis Ford Coppola.**

 **Episode Twenty-Nine (Part 2)**

 **The Godfather Part III**

Sean is seen once again sitting on his couch in his living room, as he prepares to finish up the review after sipping on a bottle of Samuel Adams Boston lager. "Before we begin, let me just say that I have no affiliation with the Mafia. I am reviewing this movie for the same reasons Coppola made it. Because my fans demanded it and I need money. Also, if you haven't read part one of two of the review, then read that before moving on to part two. If you read part one, then here's a quick recap of what's happened so far."

 **(Clips from** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael going legit, Immobiliare, the Vatican, the Pope is dying, a Cuban playing an Italian, Sofia Coppola's bad acting makes me want to become an alcoholic, Fat Tony from The Simpsons plays the most pointless character ever, Michael's son quits law and wants to sing in opera, Spencer Blitz from** _ **American Housewife**_ **is in this movie and he works for the Mafia as a lawyer, incest in the morning (Gags). A complicated plot that's very confusing and Francis Ford Coppola made this movie because his fans demanded it and he made this for money because** _ **The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, Apocalypse Now**_ **and** _ **The Outsiders**_ **weren't good enough for him and I want to punch Coppola in the face for making this one. Screw you, Coppola! Let's begin. We continue this story in Sicily, where we see that Michael and his family are staying with Don Tommasino, played by the late Vittorio Duse. Originally, the character was portrayed by Corrado Gaipa, who died back in 1989. For those of you who don't remember who Don Tommasino is, he's an old friend of Vito Corleone's and he protected Michael after he murdered Sollozo and that corrupt cop McCluskey. By the way, it's 1980. I should've mentioned this to you. Anyway, Michael seeks the advice of Don Tommasino.**

 **(Michael and Don Tommasino are speaking in Italian. No subtitles are shown on the screen)**

"Oh, crap! I forgot to put up the subtitles for this movie. Let me just get the subtitles up on the screen for you all to understand what they're saying." Sean said as he picks up his DVD remote to turn on the subtitles.

 _ **Don Tommasino (Played by the late Vittorio Duse): (In Italian) What were you thinking, Al? Why would you star in this godforsaken sequel? Wasn't Sea of Love enough for you? That was an awesome movie.**_

"What the?" Sean asked, making a confused look on his face. "I don't remember him saying that in the movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael then asks Don Tommasino who gave the order on the Atlantic City massacre and what do you know, he informs him that it was Lucchesi. Then, Michael asks Tommasino if there is somebody in the Church who they can turn to after figuring out all the shit that's been going on. And Don Tommasino recommends Cardinal Lamberto.**

"That's just great. Another new character showing up damn too late in the film. Let me guess, he's going to be an important player in the film, right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Michael throws a party for his son Anthony to celebrate his operatic debut in Palermo at the Teatro Massimo and Anthony stars singing** _ **The Godfather Love Theme**_ **. Yeah, I would rather listen to Nino Rota's hauntingly beautiful score than listen to Anthony sing it. Then, we get a flashback to Michael reflecting on his marriage to his first wife Apollonia.**

 **(Michael reflects on his first marriage to Apollonia)**

We then see Sean wiping his tears away from seeing Apollonia. "Damn you, Michael's bodyguard. Why did you have to kill Apollonia? Damn you, Coppola. Damn you."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing his son sing for him, Michael tells Mary and Anthony about his first wife and he tells Mary to end her relationship with Mary.**

 _ **Mary Corleone: I really love him.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: He's your first cousin.**_

 _ **Mary Corleone: Then I love him first.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Mary, you can't see him. Just don't see him anymore.**_

 _ **Anthony Corleone (Played by Franc D'Ambrosio): He's right. It's too dangerous.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Mary, you can't see him anymore. Not in that fashion.**_

"You can't keep blowing your cousin. This is Sicily. What do you think this is Westeros?" Sean asked, in his Michael Corleone imitation.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And here's more of Sofia Coppola's bad acting.**

 _ **Mary Corleone: No.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Please, promise me.**_

 _ **Mary Corleone: No!**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: Obey me on this.**_

 _ **Mary Corleone: No, dad!**_

 **(Mary walks away)**

"Oh, my fucking God. Can somebody please put a hit out on Sofia Coppola's acting career?!" Sean exclaimed before pulling out a flask from out of his pocket and starts drinking some whiskey. "Boy, I'm gonna need AA after this."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And so much for obeying her daddy, Mary goes ahead and takes a puff of Vincent's Cuban cigar once more, then Vincent goes to see Michael for a little assignment for him to do.**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: What do you need?**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: I want you to sell your soul to Don Altobello. To betray me.**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: He'd never believe me.**_

"Hey, you're a Cuban playing an Italian. He'll never know." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Vincent pretends to defect from the Corleone family in order to spy on Don Altobello and to make him believe that he's in love with Mary that he would betray Michael and that he needs Altobello's help. And look who's shown up.**

 _ **Don Licio Lucchesi: Don Altobello tells me that you have good character. Strong. A man of respect.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yep. Altobello introduces Vincent to that Lucchesi prick. And the mole is successfully planted. Meanwhile, Michael goes to visit Cardinal Lamberto, played by the late Raf Vallone. Michael informs Cardinal Lamberto of the Vatican banker's corrupt dealings until Michael has a drop in blood sugar and from out of nowhere a plate full of candy bars and orange juice appears like magic.**

"Boy, I guess the Church has doctors on call for something like this to happen." Sean said as he looks down at his coffee table and sees a tray full of Twix and orange juice that just appeared. "Really, I don't have a drop in blood sugar. Oh, give me the Twix."

Sean picks up the Twix candy bar, ripping the wrapper open and starts eating it.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, they say that confession is good for the soul when Cardinal Lamberto asks Michael to confess his sins, and he does.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: (While confessing to Cardinal Lamberto) I, uh (Clearing throat)… betrayed my wife.**_

 _ **Cardinal Lamberto (Played by the late Raf Vallone) Go on, my son.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: I betrayed myself. I killed men. And I ordered men to be killed.**_

 _ **Cardinal Lamberto: Go on, my son. Go on.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: I killed… I ordered the death of my brother. He injured me. (Tearfully) I killed my mother's son. (Sobbing) I killed my father's son. (Cries)**_

 _ **Cardinal Lamberto: Your sins are terrible, and it is just that you suffer. Your life could be redeemed, but I know that you don't believe that. You will not change.**_

"Wow. You know. As much as I rant about this movie, that's one scene that I like. Michael confessing his sins. Hell, his confession is much better than mine when I confessed to my church pastor while we were at his house drinking beer." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean is drinking his beer with his church pastor)**

 **Pastor Tome: So, Sean. Do you have any sins to confess?**

 **Sean: (Sipping his beer) I don't know, Brian. I don't have any sins to confess.**

 **Pastor Tome: Come on. They say that confession is good for the soul.**

 **Sean: Are you sure about that?**

 **Pastor Tome: Yes.**

 **Sean: Okay, let's make some magic here. Me and my friends Brian and his brother Adam got into bar fight with Vinnie Jones from** _ **X-Men**_ **, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a gumball machine from a store that was closed, I fantasized about having a threesome with Taylor and her best friend Dayton, I prank called Doug Walker, I masturbated to lesbian porn eight billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating to lesbian porn in the future. Whoo-hoo, I'm clean! In your face, lord!**

 **(Pastor Tome is speechless from listening to Sean's confession)**

 **Pastor Tome: I think I'm gonna need another beer.**

 **(Pastor Tome grabs another bottle of beer after finishing his first bottle)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we learn that the Pope is dead. And guess who's going to become the new pope.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn) Jaime Fucking Lannister.**_

"Wha..what? No. Not Jaime Fucking Lannister. Cardinal Lamberto." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Don Altobello hires a master assassin by the name of Mosca, played by Mario Donatone, and he hires Mosca to kill Michael Corleone. Later Kay arrives in Sicily and he gives Kay a tour of Sicily by showing her the place that Vito was born, dance at a wedding and have an authentic Italian dinner. Oh, and Mosca assassinates Don Tommasino after he recognizes him. Oh, and there's some old feelings resurfacing between Michael and Kay.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: I love you, Kay. Don't dread me anymore.**_

 _ **Kay Adams Michelson: I guess that if it's any consolation, that I want you to know that… that… I always loved you, Michael. And you know… always, I always will.**_

"Let's just hope that he doesn't hit you and a chair gets knocked over. Hell, don't ruin this wonderful Sicilian meal." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Michael is about to bust out the olive oil, he gets some bad news about Don Tommasino's death and Cardinal Lamberto is elected the new Pope and they declare him Pope John Paul I. And he's not taking any shit when the Immobiliare deal is ratified and the corrupt plotters like Gilday and Luchessi learn about the new Pope's methods and that he has to be dealt with. What is up with the villains in this movie? Give me Solozzo and Fanucci any day. The villains in this one suck and we have a reason to hate Solozzo, Fanucci and even Hyman Roth. These guys… what the fuck is their purpose? That's lazy filmmaking 101! Later, Michael is at Don Tommasino's funeral mourning the death of his old friend and he vows never to sin again.**

We see Sean falling asleep on the couch, snoring.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Vincent comes to inform Michael that Altobello has hired an assassin to kill him and Vincent has a proposition for him.**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Give me the order.**_

 _ **Michael Corleone: You won't be able to go back. You'll be like me.**_

 _ **Vincent Mancini: Good.**_

"Vincent, just remember. Once you get in, you can't get out. That's the rule of the Mafia." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Michael names Vincent the new Don of the Corleone family and Michael tells Vincent to give up Mary.**

 _ **Michael Corleone: Nephew, from this moment on, call yourself Vincent Corleone.**_

"Congratulations, Vincent. You're now the new Godfather. You'll be awarded with more attempts in your life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Finally! We're at the opera to see Anthony's operatic debut, where we see Michael and his family showing up to see Anthony performing and Mosca arrives, disguised as a priest. What? What? WHAT?!**

Sean stays silent as he gets up from off of his couch, picking up his car keys before walking out of the house. We then see Sean driving to a bar, then we see the young critic drinking a beer. After leaving the bar, Sean drives back home as he tries to keep his cool and when he arrives at his home, he enters the house and sits back down on the couch and sighs.

"I'm not gonna get angry. I'm gonna stay calm. Staying calm. Sorry, I'm not gonna stay calm. Who the fuck disguises themselves as a priest? Are you kidding me?! Won't the other priests recognize him with that disguise? My God! Some master assassin he is. John Malkovich from _In the Line of Fire_ is a better master assassin than you and Agent 47 from _Hitman_ is the most basdass assassin ever." Sean said. "Can this movie end?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Connie presents Don Altobello with a sweet treat. A cannoli, but this old bastardo don't trust nobody.**

 _ **Don Altobello: You're so thin. You eat it.**_

 **(Connie pretends to taste the cannoli)**

"Oh, no. Like she doesn't look suspicious at all." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) B.J. informs Michael that the new Pope has approved the real estate deal and then we cut to Vincent and Mary when he breaks the news to her that things are over between him and her.**

 _ **Vincent Mancini: It's not your father's decision, it's mine. Don't hate your father. There are things I'll be a part of that you can't be around. After tonight, you won't see me anymore.**_

 _ **Mary Corleone: I'll always love you.**_

"Look, Mary. You have to understand. I can't be the head of the family if I get head from the family." Sean said, imitating Vincent Mancini. "A little advice to you all, don't date your cousins because it's wrong and it's fucking gross."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the opera begins as Vincent sings for an eternity and Vincent exacts his revenge. Don Altobello is eating his cannoli while Connie watches.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Connie) Yeah, that's right. Eat it. Eat it, you old** _ **bastardo**_ **.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's not a Godfather movie unless we get a montage of people getting whacked. Mosca kills Vincent's bodyguards in the dumbest way possible by stabbing them. Back to the kills: Keinszig is abducted by Vincent's men and he's smothered by them with a pillow over his face and then hang him from a bridge. Don Altobello dies from eating a poisoned cannoli. Archbishop Gilday kills the new Pope by serving him poisoned tea, then he gets shot and killed by Al Neri. Calo, played by the late Franco Citti, kills Lucchesi by stabbing him in his motherfucking neck with his own glasses. I have to say, that was my favorite death in the movie and before he kills him, he says this line.**

 _ **Calo (Played by the late Franco Citti): (In Italian) Power wears out those who don't have it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But wait, we still have Mosca. Who has to kill Michael, but he doesn't.**

"Wait, he doesn't shoot him with a rifle? Come on, man! You had him clear in your sights and you don't shoot him? What are you waiting for? Are you going to just wait to shoot Michael outside in front of hundreds of people and his family?" Sean asked.

 **(Mosca attempts to shoot Michael, but shoots him in the shoulder. Mosca fires another shot as everybody screams)**

"Oh, Jesus. Couldn't he just use a suppressor on his pistol to shoot Michael quietly? He has to go loud and do it out in the open." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mosca then gets jumped by a bunch of priests and Vincent kills the "master" assassin. And we have the worst acting from Sofia Coppola in the whole damn movie.**

 _ **Mary Corleone: (After realizing she's been hit) Dad…**_

"Come on, at least have a better reaction after getting shot in the chest." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mary dies and Michael screams in agony in what I have to make fun of because of Pacino's performance. And by the way, I laughed my ass off from watching this scene.**

 **(Michael screams)**

"Look, I know it's wrong to make fun of this scene and Al Pacino is so good in this moment. What we saw was Michael watching his daughter die and watching him break down makes this scene so heartbreaking and this is the moment where Michael Corleone dies…. at least in spirit. But if you want me to make fun of the scream, then I will." Sean said.

 **(Michael screams)**

"This must be Pacino's initial reaction to being in _Jack & Jill_." Sean said.

 **(Michael screams)**

"This is my reaction and every fan of Teen Titans' reaction to _Teen Titans Go to the Movies_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing Pacino's powerful performance, we get different scenes of Michael dancing with his daughter Mary, Michael dancing with his first wife Apollonia and Michael dancing with Kay. And the film ends with the elderly Michael Corleone who's sitting alone at Don Tommasino's villa and dies. Well, at least the movie promised us the death of Michael Corleone. Which was the original title for the movie. And the film ends with Nino Rota and Carmine Coppola's amazing music score and Harry Connick Jr.'s** _ **Promise Me You'll Remember**_ **, a beautiful song to listen to. Get a chance to listen to it.**

"Whew! We are done! And that was _The Godfather Part III_. As much as I get annoyed by this movie, it's still a _Godfather_ movie. And a lot of you would think I'm crazy for saying this but, it's a pretty good movie." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I would not say that it was a pretty good movie, I considered it to be an okay flick. There are some good points for this film, the cinematography is wonderful and so is the music score and the production design. It's great that Dean Tavoularis, Gordon Willis and Carmine Coppola are back to work on this movie, And some of the cast are pretty good as always I loved Andy Garcia's performance as Vincent Mancini, with the exception of Sofia Coppola, and I have to agree yeah I didn't care for her acting. Plus, the ending was weak. The film is a magnificent piece of art, if you could get through the confusing plot. Although this movie had mixed reviews, the movie was nominated for seven Academy Award including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Best Cinematography, Best Film Editing, Best Art Direction-Set Decoration and Best Music/Sound. But the film did win two Golden Raspberry Awards for Worst Supporting Actress and Worst New Star for Sofia Coppola. Still a good movie even though the plot was (Makes a fart noise). That's why I'm giving** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **4 offers that you can't refuse out of 5.**

"That's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch.

The young critic enters the kitchen while singing Harry Connick Jr.'s _Promise Me You'll Remember_. He stops singing until he sees a man in the kitchen, sitting at the table and eating a bowl of Resse's Puffs cereal. The man was wearing a suede jacket, a blue button-down shirt, denim jeans and a blue and black tie.

"What the hell?" Sean asked as he reached behind his back to pull out his Beretta 92F pistol until the man sitting at the kitchen table sees Sean and picks up his .38 snub nosed-revolver.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute." Sean said.

"Alright, buttercup. Put the gun down nice and slow." The man said.

"Look, this gun isn't even loaded." Sean said.

"Yeah, and I'm Debby Ryan. Put the gun down." The man said.

Sean puts the gun down on the kitchen counter and sits down at the table.

"So, do you mind telling me what are you doing in my house and eating my cereal and pointing a gun at me?" Sean asked.

"Listen, I ain't tellin' you no bedtime story and this is no water pistol. The name's Tom Jackson. Are you The Mayhem Critic, real name Sean J. Archer? Born February 25th, 1992. A movie fanatic and a Batman fan. Your girlfriend's name is Taylor Addison. A cute blonde, very sexy." Tom said, reading Sean's profile.

"Now, hold it. Stay away from my gal." Sean said.

"I don't want your girl, wiseguy." Tom said.

"What do you want from me?" Sean asked.

"I've been keeping track of your reviews. I'm lucky that you haven't lost your mind from reviewing bad movies." Tom said. "I like that. We need someone like you at our agency."

"Agency?" Sean asked as Tom hands him a card.

"Here's my card if you're interested." Tom said as Sean looks over at the card.

"Tom Jackson, Agent of M.A.Y.H.E.M. Wait, what is…" Sean asked, looking up to see that Agent Jackson has vanished. "What the hell is going on here?"

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.**_

 **In Memory Of**

 **Morgana King**

 **June 4, 1930-March 22, 2018**

 **In Memory Of**

 **Aretha Franklin**

 **March 25, 1942-August 16** **th** **, 2018**

 **And that was part two of two of** _ **The Godfather Part III**_ **review. I hope you all liked the review. I decided to add a little subplot to this story. It's not the last we've seen Agent Tom Jackson. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean takes a look at the top 11** _ **Batman: TAS**_ **episodes. Then, which movie do you want me to review after the top 11 countdown? Here's some of the choices:**

 _ **Ghostbusters II**_

 _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)**_

 _ **Batman & Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero**_

 _ **Psycho II**_

 **Which one would you like for me to review? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have any movies or TV shows for me to review and if you want to do a co-review with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	34. Episode Thirty: Top 11 BTAS Episodes

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic is doing another Top 11 countdown. This time, he's going to be doing a Top 11 countdown of one of his favorite animated shows from his childhood and one of the greatest animated shows ever to hit our television screens. And of course I'm talking about** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **is owned by Warner Bros. Television, Warner Bros. Animation, DC Comics, Bob Kane and Bill Finger.**

 **Episode Thirty**

 **Top 11 Batman: The Animated Series Episodes**

We see Sean the Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room, this time he's wearing a red Batman t-shirt showing Batman and his rogues gallery of villains, denim jeans, a pair of white Converse low tops and is seen wearing a Batman mask.

"Good evening, fellow readers. I'm Batman, the critic who defends the night. Tonight, I will be taking a look at one of the greatest animated shows ever to hit our television screens: _Batman: The Animated Series_. Excuse me, have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?" Sean asked, speaking in his Michael Keaton voice before speaking in his regular voice. "Sorry about that, my friends. I won't be speaking in my Michael Keaton voice. Let's try Christian Bale. This cartoon just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good!"

Sean clears his throat after speaking in his Christian Bale voice.

"Alright, let's try Adam West. Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!" Sean said, speaking in his Adam West voice. "Okay, now let's try Ben Affleck. Son of a bitch. Ooh, how about Val Kilmer. I'll get drive-thru. Umm, George Clooney?"

Sean then starts talking in his normal voice. "Hi, Freeze. I'm Batman. Okay, you know what I won't be doing this review in a different voice. I'm just gonna do this as myself."

 **(Clips from** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about one of the greatest animated shows ever? It's one of the best nostalgic shows ever with great animation, an excellent voice cast like Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill and an excellent team of writers like Alan Burnett and Paul Dini. The show was dark, tragic and funny at times and serious as well. And this show is still awesome after 26 years when it first aired. Plus, I am thrilled when they announced that they're going to release the complete series on Blu-Ray and trust me, I'm getting the complete series set. As much as I love this show, I love all of the episodes. But which one's still hold up? Which one's are the most dramatic? Which one had you cracking up? Which one was thrilling and action-packed. There's a lot to choose from and be warned there will be spoilers but I will try to keep them to a minimum for those of you who are new to watching the show and for those of you who watch the show.**

"That's why I'm going to be counting down the _Top 11 Batman: The Animated Series Episodes_. Why top 11? Because I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman!" Sean said in his Kevin Conroy voice. "Here it is, the _Top 11 Batman: The Animated Series_ episodes."

 **(The interlude shows the final scene from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **, showing Batman standing on top of a building as he sees the Bat-Signal in the sky, and swings off into the night)**

 **Number 11:** _ **Girl's Night Out**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) A good episode crossing over with Superman: The Animated Series, in this one Batgirl teams up with Supergirl after Live Wire forms a partnership with Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy after the electric vixen escapes from Metropolis SCU custody and the trio start wreaking havoc by going out on a crime spree.**

 _ **Poison Ivy (Voiced by Diane Pershing): (To the security guard) You don't wanna shoot little old us, do you?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Plus, I love how they made Harley a complete ditz in the episode.**

 **(Harley tries to break open the ATM with her mallet with Poison Ivy and Live Wire watching her)**

 _ **Poison Ivy: At least she's consistent.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The villains are my favorite part in this episode and I liked the interaction between Batgirl and Supergirl. And it was written by a woman, the late Hilary J. Bader.**

"And after watching that episode, I wonder if somebody made a smutty one-shot about Barbara Gordon and Kara on Fanfiction. Looks like I have to make one, maybe have somebody co-write it with me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you liked the team up of Batman & Superman, then you'll love the team up of Batgirl and Supergirl. That's why **_**Girl's Night Out**_ **is number 11 on the list.**

 _ **Reporter: So, who was responsible for the caller?**_

 _ **Detective Harvey Bullock (Voiced by Robert Costanzo): Just a couple of rookies.**_

 _ **Barbara Gordon (Voiced by Tara Strong, credited as Tara Charendoff): Rookies?**_

 _ **Kara (Voiced by Nicholle Tom): You bum!**_

 _ **Reporter: Impressive.**_

 _ **Detective Harvey Bullock: Well, they show some potential.**_

 _ **Barbara and Kara: Yes!**_

 **Number 10:** _ **Beware the Gray Ghost**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is a really good episode. The episode centers on** _ **The Gray Ghost**_ **, an old TV show that Bruce used to watch as a kid. Years later, we cut to some crazed psycho who's imitating the one of the villains from the show.**

 **(We see the Mad Bomber blowing up buildings)**

 _ **Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Pay up, or pay the consequences. One million in cash, or the Gotham Bank is next. Signed, the Mad Bomber.**_

"Well, somebody's been watching too much television." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since all of the episodes of** _ **The Gray Ghost**_ **were destroyed, Batman turns to the only person who can help him, and it is the actor who played The Gray Ghost. His portrayer Simon Trent, who's now a washed-up actor who's having trouble looking for work. And guess who he's played by.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime Fuckin Lannister.**_

"No." Sean said. "Maybe this clip from _Family Guy_ would help."

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mayor Adam West (Voiced by the late Adam West): I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who have parents who grew up watching the 1960s Batman and yes I'm one of them and my mom watches that show and has it on DVD. Simon Trent is voiced by the original TV Batman himself: the late Adam West, who me and my mom met at the comic expo in my city back in 2015.**

 **Simon Trent (Voiced by the late Adam West): What do you want from me?**

 **Batman: Some madman is blowing up Gotham piece by piece. Somehow it's connected to the Gray Ghost. To you.**

 _ **Simon Trent: What are you talking about? I'm just an actor. The Gray Ghost was a part I played.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I loved this episode because we get to see flashbacks of Bruce's childhood and it also shows the dramatic downside to both having and losing fame, showing Simon Trent at his downfall. But I ended up laughing seeing Batman fangirling and having a shrine dedicated to a TV show.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Nerd!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from having Adam West guest star in the show, we get one of the creators of the show playing a villain. And that's Bruce W. Timm and my God they got his likeness down.**

"Yep, one of the creators of _Tiny Toon Adventures_ and _Batman: The Animated Series_ played a villain in the episode. A geeky little toy collector." Sean said.

 _ **Ted Dymer (Voiced by Bruce W. Timm): (After his toy store explodes) No! My toys! My toys, my beautiful toys!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Two Batmans for the price of one. I love it. And it makes an excellent episode with great animation and great writing. Coming in at #10 on the list.**

 **** _ **Bruce Wayne: You know as a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.**_

 _ **Simon Trent: (Smiles) Really?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: And he still is.**_

 **Number 9:** _ **Fire From Olympus**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I remember owning** _ **The Adventures of Batman & Robin**_ **on VHS when I was young and the one that I owned was** _ **Freeze: Fire & Ice**_ **. This was the episode that I saw after the second Mr. Freeze episode** _ **Deep Freeze**_ **. In** _ **Fire From Olympus**_ **, the episode centers on a shipping CEO named Maximilian Zeus, voiced by the late Steve Susskind. Here's the deal with Maxie Zeus, he thinks he's the Greek God Zeus.**

 _ **Maximilian Zeus (Voiced by the late Steve Susskind): (To Batman) Begone, Lord Hades. Get thee back to thine own realm. Do not come again to Olympus until bidden.**_

 _ **Batman: I think I get the message.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from suffering delusions of grandeur, his nutjob mistakes Batman for his brother, Hades.**

 _ **Maximilian Zeus: (Sees Batman appearing in his Batwing) Like the shadow of ebon-winged night, he rises from the dark realm. Behold, the coming of my brother, Lord Hades.**_

"Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also in the episode, Maxie Zeus steals a weapon called an electron discharge cannon to fire lightning bolts into the sky. And to top it off, his assistant/girlfriend Clio, voiced by Bess Armstrong from** _ **Jaws 3-D**_ **and** _ **One Tree Hill**_ **, is concerned about him because of how nutty he his and Batman sees how nutty Zeus is as well. When you see someone wearing Greek Mythological clothing and dresses up as Zeus by firing lightning bolts….**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **The NeverEnding Story III**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: You're crazy!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I have one question to ask, who the hell designed Mount Olympus? Who was the architect? Not the fictional Mount Olympus, I mean the office building that Maxie Zeus works at. This place is huge! You could see clouds passing by. What were the blue prints for this building like? All I could think about how long did it take to build this place? Overall, it's a pretty interesting episode, coming in at number 9.**

 _ **Maximilian Zeus: Now at last, mighty Zeus is home.**_

 **Number 8:** _ **The Demon's Quest Parts 1 & 2**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember the episode** _ **Off Balance**_ **back in season two of** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **, where it showed the big bad for season three?**

 **(A clip from the episode** _ **Off Balance**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ra's al Ghul (Voiced by David Warner): As you said, detective, this is not over.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, he makes his big appearance in the two-part episode The Demon's Quest. The episode begins as Robin returns to his college dorm room, only to see some guy wearing an Anubis mask and two thugs.**

 **(One of the thugs shoot Robin with a tranquilizer dart)**

 _ **Robin (Voiced by Loren Lester): Hey!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) He gets shot and taken hostage. Batman and Alfred talk about how nobody has seen Robin or Dick Grayson in weeks, only for Batman to receive this in the mail, a photo of Robin being held hostage with a knife to his throat and Ra's al Ghul just walks into the Batcave knowing who Batman is.**

 _ **Ra's al Ghul: So, they know your identity, detective.**_

 _ **Batman: Who are you? How did you get in here?**_

"Okay, so in the first five minutes of the episode, we've seen Robin getting kidnapped and held hostage, Batman being given a photo of Robin tied up with a knife to his throat and Ra's walking into the Batcave knowing who Batman is. Okay, this is an awesome opening." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Talia, the daughter of Ra's al Ghul has been taken as well and that's part of the plot. During his quest, Batman has to survive a few deadly encounters like a bunch of assassins trying to kill him and black panther as well because Robin's life is at stake. Anyway, long story short, it turns out that Ra's al Ghul was the mastermind behind the whole charade and because he is dying, he wants Batman to become his successor as ruler of his vast empire and Batman has proven his worthiness and because Talia loves him. So, Batman turns him down. This episode have a lot of great moments, aside from David Warner being awesome as the voice of Ra's al Ghul, there one little moment that I really like and this is considered one of the best moments of season three. Every time Batman would step ahead of Ra's, his servant Ubu…**

 **(The Ubu Productions logo is shown)**

 _ **Man: Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.**_

 **(Ubu barks)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) His servant Ubu would push him back.**

 **(Ubu pushes Batman back after he steps ahead of Ra's)**

 _ **Ubu (Voiced by the late Manu Tupou): Infidel!**_

 _ **Ra's al Ghul: Forgive my servant. He feels that no one should precede me. Call it overzealousness.**_

 **(Ubu smiles and walks away)**

 _ **Batman: I think I'll call it strike one.**_

 **(Next scene)**

 _ **Ubu: Infidel!**_

 **(Pushes Batman back and walks with Ra's)**

 _ **Batman: Okay, that's two.**_

 **(Next clip)**

 _ **Ubu: The master gave you no permission to leave.**_

 _ **Batman: I didn't ask for any.**_

 **(Ubu tries to punch Batman, but Batman grabs his hand)**

 _ **Batman: And that's three!**_

 **(Batman breaks Ubu's hand)**

 _ **Ubu: Ouch!**_

 **(Batman throws Ubu)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get some great action as well, especially in part two where we get an awesome swordfight between Batman and Ra's and we get a little scene before the episode ends with Batman showing pure pimpdom when he kisses Talia, even though he wouldn't have a chance at love again after Andrea Beaumont in** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **.** _ **The Demon's Quest**_ **marks another excellent episode, coming in at number 8.**

 **(We get a shot of Ra's hand coming out from out of the Lazarus Pit and we hear his evil laughter)**

 **Number 7:** _ **Joker's Favor/Joker's Millions**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so I know I'm probably cheating on this one but come on, these are two Joker-centric episodes that are both written by the great Paul Dini. In** _ **Joker's Favor**_ **, we meet this ordinary man named Charlie Collins, voiced by Ed Begley Jr., who's driving home after having a bad day from work and he ends up cussing out a reckless driver, who happens to be The Joker.**

 _ **The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): I'm just going to have to teach you some manners.**_

 **(He reaches into his coat)**

 _ **Charlie Collins (Voiced by Ed Begley Jr.): Please don't. I have a family, a wife, a little boy. Please. I'll do anything to make it up. Anything.**_

 _ **The Joker: Anything, says you?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this poor guy finds himself forced to assist The Joker in one of his crimes, and this crime involves infiltrating a testimonial dinner for Commissioner Gordon and plant a bomb.**

 _ **The Joker: Commissioner, I'm here to present you with a small token of affection, from me and all the guys doing 25 to life.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not only that this is a great episode, this marks the first appearance of Joker's sidekick and love interest Harley Quinn, who would go on to be incorporated into the Batman comics and she became a very popular character.**

 _ **Harley Quinn (Voiced by Arleen Sorkin): Oy, beauty school's starting to look pretty good about now.**_

"Thank you, Paul Dini. Thank you for creating an awesome character." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, we have** _ **Joker's Millions**_ **in season four. It's based on the comic book story with the same name that was first published in Detective Comics #180 in February 1952. In the episode, The Joker is revealed to be having money problems. We knew that back in** _ **World's Finest**_ **. He ends up inheriting a massive fortune from his old rival King Barlow, who kicked the bucket.**

 _ **The Joker: $250 million dollars. (Jumps in joy) Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Good ol' King Barlow. I take back almost all the nasty things I've ever said about him.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's the Joker inheriting $250 million dollars. This episode writes itself and it makes a pretty hilarious premise. You have the Clown Prince of Crime inheriting millions of dollars from a rival mob boss and goes on a spending spree by buying a mansion and stuff. Hell, he even held auditions for a new "henchgirl", which pisses off Harley.**

 _ **Harley Quinn: (After finding out that Joker is holding auditions for a new "henchgirl") I'LL KILL HIM!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And he hires new hench-girl, who he calls "Fake Harley". And she's voiced by Janice from** _ **Friends**_ **. And how do I know that she's voiced by Maggie Wheeler? Well, because Fake Harley has an annoying voice and laugh.**

 _ **Fake Harley (Voiced by Maggie Wheeler): Ooh, thank you Mr. G! I promise I'll be the best Harley ever.**_

 **(Fake Harley laughs)**

 _ **The Joker: Maybe I should've hired the fat guy.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This episode had a lot of great and hilarious moments and we get the best Joker moment in the episode where he finds out that King Barlow got the last laugh on him with the biggest joke ever. Plus, this episode has some of my favorite lines and this one has got to be my favorite in the episode.**

 _ **The Joker: I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS. Nooo thank you!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's two Joker-centric episode enough to put a smile on your face, coming in at number 7.**

 _ **The Joker: (Laughs) Let the good time roll! (He keeps laughing)**_

 **Number 6:** _ **I Am the Night**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know for a kid's show, it can deal with some serious topics and we get some dark, serious stuff in this show. And this is one serious and dramatic episode. This dealt with Batman questioning his career choices from time to time.**

 _ **Batman: Sometimes, old friend. I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This episode gives a lot of credit to us when we were kids and when I watched the episode on Boomerang a couple of years ago, I have to give them credit for this deep, mature storyline for a children's show and episodes like this is what made this show last as long as it has. This episode focuses on the anniversary of the death of Bruce's parents and Batman having some serious doubts about his calling whether he's doing any good. Then, we get to the dramatic and seriousness of the episode when Batman is late for an appointment that he was supposed to meet up for a sting operation with Gordon and Bullock. Then, a shootout breaks out and when Batman arrives and apprehends Jimmy "The Jazzman" Peake, the mob boss who has it in for Commissioner Gordon, Batman is too late.**

 _ **Detective Harvey Bullock: Commissioner? (Sees Commissioner Gordon lying on the ground) Oh, my God.**_

 **(Batman gasps after seeing his friend lying on the ground)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that shocked me. That was some pretty heavy shit for a children's show. Feeling guilty that his best friend and confidant has been shot and his life in critical condition, we get one of the most powerful scenes in the history of the show.**

 **(Batman destroys his forensics lab and screams in despair)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Got to give praise to the episode's writer Michael Reaves, this was a powerful and mature episode for a kid's show. This episode proves that you can't always be there to save the people you care about.**

 _ **Commissioner Gordon (Voiced by the late Bob Hastings): Got to keep fighting. Never stop. What I try to live by. Maybe if I'd been younger. I could've been like you. Always wanted to be a hero.**_

 _ **Batman: You are a hero, Jim.**_

 **Number 5:** _ **Over the Edge**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) During season four's run, some of the episodes were pretty dark and this one is one of them. With a title like that, you know that some serious shit is about to go down and trust me a lot of shit goes down in the episode. The episode starts with…**

 **(Batman and Robin are running for their lives as the GCPD star shooting at them)**

 _ **Commissioner Gordon: Bruce Wayne, stop where you are!**_

Sean is speechless to what he has seen. "Holy shit! What the hell just happened?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's one way of starting the episode off. I mean, what is going on here? Why are the GCPD shooting at Batman and Robin? Why are they chasing them? How does Commissioner Gordon know who Batman is? Why did they shoot up Dick's Robin costume? Why did they arrest Alfred?**

"And why the hell does The Joker look like Mickey Mouse?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (V/O as The Joker with the voice of Mickey Mouse) Ho ho, let's put a smile on your face. (Laughs)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In fact, every "holy shit" moment happens in the episode. We find out in a flashback, during a fight with the Scarecrow, Batgirl is ambushed on the roof and gets killed, she lands on the hood of a squad car in which Commissioner Gordon and Detective Bullock were driving in and then he finds out that Batgirl was his daughter the whole time and that she was working for Batman.**

 _ **Commissioner Gordon: How could you? I worked with you, trusted you. And you never told me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) He blames Batman for the death of his daughter and vows revenge, he then finds out that Bruce Wayne is Batman and goes full force with his men. And to top it all off Nightwing gets arrested, Batman tells Robin to turn himself in and Commissioner Gordon makes a deal with Bane of all people to take down Batman. Good God. Then we come to the climax of the episode, where they're having a funeral for Barbara and Gordon has his men on the lookout for Batman, knowing that he'll show up. And Batman and Bane have a fight to the death.**

 _ **Bane (Voiced by Henry Silva): Do we fight to the death?**_

 _ **Batman: It makes no difference now.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) How can anyone not like this episode? It's action-packed and it's pretty dark. Now, I would talk about the ending but this episode is too damn good and I don't want to spoil it and yeah I have a big problem with the ending and it could've been improved. A great "What If?" scenario and it still holds up pretty strong. That's why** _ **Over the Edge**_ **is coming in at number five.**

 **Number 4:** _ **Heart of Ice**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Another good episode written by Paul Dini and much like how the show created Harley Quinn, they also recreated Mr. Freeze. And when I said that this show dealt with some heavy shit for a kid's show, this episode's another example. They gave him a different and much darker backstory. In this version, Victor Fries was a scientist trying to cure his deathly ill wife Nora Fries who he cryogenically frozen to save her. Because it was draining the company's funds, his former employer tries to shut the experiment down. But when Fries tries to fight them off, he gets kicked into a bunch of chemicals, making it impossible to live without being in sub-zero temperature, and thus Mr. Freeze is born.**

 _ **Batman: Freeze!**_

 _ **Mr. Freeze (Voiced by the late Michael Ansara): That's Mr. Freeze!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This episode is considered to be one of the best episodes of the show because of Mr. Freeze's backstory. It's so good that they used it in the comics, video games and in** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman Come…**_

Sean picks up a batarang instead of his signature pistol, threatening to throw it. "Don't tempt me, Arnold."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Props to the late Michael Ansara. In my opinion, he played the best Mr. Freeze ever. Originally, the creators considered Anthony Zerbe as the voice of Mr. Freeze. Hell, even Anthony Hopkins was considered for the role of Mr. Freeze as well. Yeah, Hannibal Lecter as the voice of Mr. Freeze. Can you imagine that?**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: (With Hannibal Lecter's voice) A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. (Makes a sucking noise)**_

"Thank God they stuck with Ansara." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Plus, they give Mr. Freeze some of the most awesome lines ever.**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: Think of it, Batman: to never again walk on a summer's day, with the hot wind in your face and a warm hand to hold. Oh, yes. I'd kill for that./You… beg? In my nightmares I see my Nora behind the glass, begging to me with frozen eyes./How I've longed to see that look frozen on you./Yes, it would move me to tears if I still had tears to shed.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) A memorable and excellent episode with a classic yet tragic character and with beautiful music to accompany it with. You know what they say about revenge. It's a dish…**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: …Best served cold.**_

 **Number 3:** _ **Trial**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) A topic always asked by fans of the show, "Did Batman create the villains or did the villains create Batman?" Well, they explore it in this episode. Originally,** _ **Trial**_ **was supposed to be the plot of the first Batman animated movie that would become** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **, but instead this episode became a half hour episode. In the episode, Batman is put on trial than none other than the villains putting him on trial. They take over Arkham Asylum, capture Batman and force District Attorney Janet Van Dorn to defend him. The only downside is that Van Dorn says that Batman is a disgrace.**

 _ **Janet Van Dorn (Voiced by Stephanie Zimbalist): Not only does Batman create these so-called super-criminals, he takes it upon himself to be their judge and jury with no regard for the legal system.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, they make some pretty good points. We get one of the best scenes of the episode where Batman's on trial, with Two-Face as the prosecution and Joker, oh boy, Joker as the judge.**

 _ **The Joker: (Slams his gavel down) Guilty!**_

"Move over, Judge Judy. There's a new judge in town." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With a huge cast of characters, callbacks to previous episodes of the show and the episode focusing on the psychological and philosophical, makes it an excellent episode, coming in at number 3.**

 _ **The Joker: (Imitates Porky Pig) That's all, folks!**_

 **Number 2:** _ **Lock-Up**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the show's final run on Fox Kids, the show's creators tried a lot to come up with new characters and they came up with a new villain for the show's rogues gallery and I wish that they've used that character some more in episodes. The episode centers on Arkham's new chief of security named Lyle Bolton, voiced by Bruce Weitz aka Bruno Mannheim from** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **. And this guy is crazy. And I mean crazy, villains like Scarecrow, Scarface and Harley Quinn are scared of this guy. When you watch the episode, you'll see how scared Scarecrow is when he sees this guy.**

 _ **Scarecrow (Voiced by the late Henry Polic II): (While Batman and Robin are escorting him inside Arkham) Look at me, Batman. I'm shaking with fear. Me, the Scarecrow. I wasn't even going back to crime this time. I just had to get away from him.**_

 **(Batman, Robin and Scarecrow see Lyle Bolton as Scarecrow gasps in fear)**

"And this coming from a guy who dresses up like a silly-looking scarecrow." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because of complaints from the inmates, he loses his job and becomes the ruthless and brutal vigilante known as Lock-Up. And he gets his revenge on the people who are responsible for him losing his job like Mayor Hill, Commissioner Gordon, Dr. Bartholomew and Summer Gleeson.**

 _ **Lock-Up (Voiced by Bruce Weitz): You apprehend them, Dark Knight, and Lock up will put them away. Together we can make this city safe again.**_

 _ **Batman: By kidnapping innocent victims? I don't think so.**_

 _ **Lock-Up: If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's a shame that Lock-Up was on the show for only one episode but he has no real motivation. I remember watching this episode on Boomerang back in the eighth grade and I thought that this was an interesting episode and I enjoyed it and the climatic fight between Batman and Lock-Up on a sinking ship. My God, that was amazing. If you haven't seen the episode, then check it out.**

 _ **Lyle Bolton: (While in his cell in Arkham) They thought they could trap me in world of lunatics but I showed them. Now I can keep an eye on everyone. They'll never slip past me again.**_

"Now before we move on to the number one episode on the list, here are some of the runners-up." Sean said.

 **Runners-Up**

 _ **A Bullet for Bullock**_

 _ **Mad Love**_

 _ **Legends of the Dark Knight**_

 _ **Bane**_

 _ **Deep Freeze**_

 _ **Robin's Reckoning Parts 1 & 2**_

 _ **Baby Doll**_

 _ **Never Fear**_

 _ **Old Wounds**_

 _ **The Laughing Fish**_

 _ **Harlequinade**_

 **Number 1:**

"And the number one favorite episode from _Batman: The Animated Series_ is…" Sean said before revealing the episode.

 _ **Judgment Day**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Another dark and suspenseful episode from season four and by the way, this is the final episode of the series, a creepy new vigilante known as The Judge, voiced by the late Malachi Throne, serves his own brand of justice to Gotham City by taking down criminals lethally.**

"Hmm, a deadly vigilante taking down criminals lethally? Am I sure I'm not talking about the Phantasm?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this Judge character kinda reminds me of the Phantasm from** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **, except the Judge has a powdered wig, black robe and no face. But they do share one thing in common is that their voices are really creepy.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): Your angel of death awaits.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Judgment Day**_ **is shown)**

 _ **The Judge (Voiced by the late Malachi Throne): Is there no honor among thieves, Mr. Cobblepot?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown once more)**

 _ **Phantasm: Time to pay for your sins, Mr. Bronski.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Judgment Day**_ **is show)**

 _ **The Judge: I am the law. (Pulls out a sword) And I find you guilty!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not to mention, a councilman by the name of J. Carroll Corcoran condones the Judges actions by bringing down the criminals.**

"Oh, let me guess, he's corrupt like that one city councilman from…." Sean said as a photo of Councilman Arthur Reeves from _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ is shown next to a photo of Councilman J. Carroll Corcoran from the episode _Judgment Day_. "Oh, Christ! It's _Mask of the Phantasm_ all over again! Except, this guy approves of the Judge's methods!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the mystery of the episode like** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is who is the Judge and why is he trying to kill Gotham's criminals? Why is he judge, jury and executioner? Alright, I'm going to spoil it for you so here it is. In the climax of the episode, the Judge takes down Two-Face's goons in the courtroom and right when the Judge tries to kill Corcoran, Batman arrives and has a showdown with the lethal vigilante. And after a struggle with the Judge, he's revealed to be….**

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronn: Jaime Fucking Lannister.**_

"Shut up!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually the Judge is revealed to be none other than Two-Face, who created a third personality. Jeez, I'm lucky that he hasn't created a fourth personality for himself. An episode that's judge, jury and executioner. We herby find Judgment Day….**

 _ **Two-Face (Voiced by Richard Moll): Guilty… guilty… guilty…**_

"And those were my top 11 favorite episodes from _Batman: The Animated Series_. If you have any episodes that you like from the show, then feel free to comment. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I got to go to the store to buy some more Sprite. See you guys next time." Sean said as the young critic got up from off of his couch and walked out of the house.

Sean locked the door behind him before walking straight to a car, which is the Batmobile from _Batman: The Animated Series_ right when the door slides open.

"What? You haven't seen anyone drive in a Batmobile before?" Sean asked right when the door slides shut and drives away as the late Shirley Walker's _Batman_ theme starts playing.

 **And that was the** _ **Top 11 Batman: The Animated Series**_ **episodes. I hope that you all liked the episodes that I picked for the list. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean takes a look at the 1990 action comedy** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **and relieves his childhood. After the** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **review, I will be working on either a review of the movie** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **,** _ **Halloween II**_ **(The 1981 version not the shitty Rob Zombie version),** _ **Number One With a Bullet**_ **or** _ **Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero**_ **. Which one should I review after** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **? Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review a movie with me, feel free to PM me and we'll talk. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	35. Episode Thirty-One: TMNT (1990)

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean takes a look back at his childhood and reviews one of the greatest films from his childhood. And of course I'm talking about** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **, the 1990 version. Does the film still hold up today or is it just a silly film from his childhood? We'll find out today in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story, this is a parody. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **is owned by New Line Cinema, Kevin Eastman, Peter Laird and Mirage Studios.**

 **Episode Thirty-One**

 **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)**

Sean enters the living room, wearing a _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ t-shirt, grey shorts and red Nike sneakers. He was sipping on a can of Sprite while he sits down on the couch to get ready to start his introduction.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. As a kid, I had an awesome childhood while I was growing up." Sean said.

 **(Footage from different shows like** _ **Tiny Toon Adventures, Batman: The Animated Series, Power Rangers, Animaniacs, Ducktales, Gargoyles, Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, Darkwing Duck**_ **and** _ **Talespin**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) When I was young, I grew up watching shows like** _ **Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs**_ **and** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **. And I still do since I own them on DVD. And of course, you've heard me talk about** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **, well** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **….**

 **(A sound of a woman screaming is heard)**

"Okay, I've talked about _Mask of the Phantasm_ long enough and you're probably annoyed by that. But you want to know what's another big part of my childhood when I was growing up? It was this show." Sean points at his shirt.

 **(The intro to** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **, the 1987 animated series is shown and footage from the animated series is shown)**

 **Sean: Hell, yeah!** _ **Teenage Mutant Fucking Ninja Turtles**_ **, this was the shit. While growing up, I watched that show a lot. And Turtle Fever was going on back in the 80s and 90s and it's still going on now with** _ **Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **. Kids collected the toys, the video games, the clothing, the cereal, Turtle Pie snacks and before they started off as an animated series for kids and the whole family, it started off as a comic book with a darker tone created by the gods themselves Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. My mom owned the comics before I was born and she still has them. Plus, she still has the** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **video game on her Nintendo system that she still has and I dread playing that game like the Angry Video Game Nerd, but I did enjoy** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game**_ **, and she still has that as well. Plus, I own a** _ **Batman/TMNT**_ **crossover comic that my mom bought for me at Barnes & Noble. Anyway, I owned an episode from the animated series on VHS and after the episode ended, I stumbled across the theatrical trailer for the movie.**

 **(The trailer for** _ **TMNT**_ **1990 is shown)**

 _ **The Shredder: Our family grows. The city itself will be our playground to use as we please. Rewarding ourselves and punishing our enemies.**_

 _ **Foot Clan Member: We've been looking for you, Ms. O'Neil.**_

 _ **The Shredder: There is a new enemy. Freaks of nature. Together we will punish these creatures.**_

"And when I saw the trailer for the live action _Turtles_ movie, I was amazed. And what do you know, my mom happened to own it on VHS and I have got to see this. And if you didn't know from the _TMNT_ t-shirt that I'm wearing, I'm reviewing the movie." Sean said.

 **(The titles from the 2014 film version of** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **is shown)**

"Wrong movie!" Sean yelled.

 **(The titles from the 1990 film version is shown)**

"There we go." Sean said, with a satisfied look on his face.

 **(The title of the movie is shown as well as footage from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **was released in theaters on March 30** **th** **, 1990. The film was directed by Irish film director Steve Barron, who's known for directing the 1984 science fiction romantic comedy** _ **Electric Dreams**_ **,** _ **The Adventures of Pinocchio**_ **with the late Martin Landau and Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Pinocchio and the 1993 film** _ **Coneheads**_ **. The movie based on the** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **sketch starring Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin. It… well… the movie… stick with** _ **Wayne's World**_ **. It's a better movie than** _ **Coneheads**_ **. The film's an adaptation of the early** _ **TMNT**_ **comics with elements taken from the animated series.**

"This movie kicks ass back then and it still kicks ass now. And as a special treat, I am going to be reviewing this movie. I mean, it's been a while since I've watched the movie. So, grab yourself a box of _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ cookies. Uh… do they still make them? Anyway, order yourself an extra large pepperoni pizza, sit back, relax and enjoy. We're going to take a look at _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_. The 1990 version not the 2014 Michael Bay version." Sean said.

 **(The film opens with a shot of New York City)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film begins in New York City. So far so good. And we see that crime is running rampant. The crime wave is high with mugging mysterious. Partners in Kryme, take it over.**

 **(The** _ **Turtle Power**_ **music video is shown)**

 _ **Partners in Kryme: (Sings) All police and detectives are furious.**_

 _ **April O'Neil (Played by Judith Hoag) Crimes without criminals? An invisible gang at work? Who are we going to call?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime Fucking Lannister.**_

"Shut up!" Sean yelled.

 _ **April O'Neil: April O'Neil, Channel Three Eyewitness News…**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's April? I'm sorry you see this hottie over there?" Sean asked.

 **(A picture of April O'Neil from the 1987 animated series is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's April O'Neil. Yellow jumpsuit, nice legs. Damn, she's fine.**

 **(A picture of pornographic actress April O'Neil is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You see this next hottie? That's pornographic actress April O'Neil. Nice legs, nice tits. Mmm!**

"And you are?" Sean asked.

 _ **April O'Neil: April O'Neil, Channel Three Eyewitness News.**_

"Oh, alright. Fine!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to reporter April O'Neil, played by Judith Hoag from the ABC/CMT drama** _ **Nashville**_ **and for those of you who grew up watching Disney Channel, she played Marnie's mother Gwen in the** _ **Halloweentown**_ **movies. So, we see that April is leaving from work and we see her in her signature yellow jumpsuit….**

 **(April is seen wearing a yellow raincoat)**

"Oh, wait a minute! That's a raincoat, that's not a jumpsuit! There is a big difference! See? Look." Sean said.

 **(A photo of April from the animated series and a photo of April from the 1990 film version is shown side by side)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jumpsuit. Raincoat. Jumpsuit. Raincoat. Jumpsuit. Raincoat. Jumpsuit! Raincoat!**

"Get it right!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Why don't you have April wear a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap while you're at it?**

 **(A photo of April wearing a yellow raincoat with a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that April has come across a group of thieves, one of them played by a young Sam Rockwell from** _ **Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri**_ **and they try to mug her until we see a sai flying from out of nowhere and breaking a light.**

"Holy cow. It's the Turtles. We get to see them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, we don't see the Turtles beating up on April's attackers, we see the aftermath of the attackers tied up as the police arrives, and then we see glimpses of one of the Turtles peeking from the sewer hole.**

 _ **Raphael (Voiced by Josh Pais): (Sees April taking his sai) Oh, man.**_

 **(April puts the sai in her bag)**

 _ **Raphael: Damn.**_

"And the Turtles are a bit foul-mouthed. Parents, aren't you glad to be taking your kids to see this PG-rated movie that's fun for the whole family?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're only five minutes in this movie and we haven't seen the Turtles yet. They better look damn good.**

 _ **Michaelangelo (Voiced by Robbie Rist): Yes, dudes and dude-ettes major league butt-kicking is back in town.**_

 **(The title of the movie is shown a la the animated series and we see the Turtles appear in live action form)**

 _ **Leonardo (Voiced by Brian Tochi): Awesome!**_

 _ **Michaelangelo: Righteous!**_

 _ **Donatello (Voiced by Corey Feldman): Bossa nova!**_

 _ **Leonardo: What?**_

 **(Leonardo and Michaelangelo turn to Donatello and look at him)**

 _ **Michaelangelo: Bossa nova?**_

 _ **Donatello: Chevy Nova? Hmm? Excellent!**_

"Excuse me for just one moment, I'm about to go full-on geek mode, right about now." Sean said. "Holy cow! The Turtles look so amazing! Look at those costumes, those are incredible! Oh, my God! They're phenomenal!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you would have a full-on geekgasm from seeing the Turtles. The man who made this possible was the late Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets. Fun fact: the Turtles were created at Jim Henson's Creature Shop and it took 18 weeks for them to complete them. And I have to say, they look amazing as hell.**

 **Raphael: Damn!**

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch the language, buster. This is a PG movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After kicking butt, the Turtles Leonardo voiced by Brian Tochi from** _ **Police Academy 3**_ **and** _ **Police Academy 4**_ **and played by David Forman, Raphael voiced by Josh Pais and he performed the character, Michaelangelo voiced by Robbie Rist and played by Michelan Sisti and Donatello voiced by Corey Feldman from** _ **The Goonies, The Lost Boys**_ **and every movie he starred in with Corey Haim and played by Leif Tiden. They see their Master Splinter, played by Kevin Clash and Ralphael is fuming about losing a sai.**

 _ **Raphael: I lost a sai.**_

 _ **Splinter (Voiced by and performed by Kevin Clash): Then it is gone.**_

 _ **Raphael: But I can get it back. I can get it back.**_

 _ **Splinter: Raphael…let it go.**_

 **(Donatello places his hand on Raphael's shoulder. Raphael slaps Donatello's hand away with Donatello hitting his arm and Raphael hitting him back)**

"Slap fight!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Raphael goes out to cool out, the rest of the Turtles decide to have some pizza, courtesy of Domino's Pizza delivered by Michelan Sisti, Michaelangelo's performer.**

 _ **Michaelangelo: You're two minutes late, dude.**_

 _ **Pizza Man (Played by Michelan Sisti): Come on! I couldn't find the place!**_

 _ **Michaelangelo: Wise man say, "Forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza."**_

 _ **Pizza Man: I got to get a new route. And I thought I delivered everywhere.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile with Raphael, he comes out of the theater from seeing the movie** _ **Critters**_ **and…(Notices Raphael's disguse) uh, nobody notices a big turtle dressed in a trenchcoat? How can you not notice that?**

"What? Was the person handing out tickets not notice him but was busy reading a magazine? How dumb are these people?" Sean asked.

 _ **Splinter: Oy.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Raphael thwarts two purse snatchers and then he comes across a hockey-masked wearing vigilante named Casey Jones, played by Elias Koteas from** _ **Chicago P.D.**_

 _ **Casey Jones (Played by Elias Koteas): It looks like you're the one who needs to be taught a lesson. Class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones.**_

 _ **Raphael: Look, I don't want to fight you.**_

 _ **Casey Jones: Well, tough rocks, pal.**_

"You don't want to mess with me, pal. I used to be a professional hockey player. We tend to beat up other hockey players." Sean said.

 _ **Casey Jones: (After seeing that Raphael is a turtle) Hey, what are you some sort of punker?**_

 _ **Raphael: (Picks up Casey's bat) Huh?**_

 _ **Casey Jones: I hate punkers. Especially bald ones with green makeup who wear masks over their ugly faces.**_

 _ **Ralphael: That's it.**_

 _ **Casey Jones: Oooh.**_

 _ **Raphael: New batter!**_

 **(Swing and misses)**

 _ **Casey Jones: Strike one!**_

 **(Raphael swings and misses again)**

 _ **Casey Jones: Whoa, whiffer!**_

 **(Raphael jumps over Casey, then hits him with a bat, knocking him to the ground)**

 _ **Raphael: Home run. Raphael wins! One-nothing!**_

"I wish the Cincinnati Reds could hit a home run like that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Raphael gets his ass handed to him by Casey Jones, and the hockey mask-wearing vigilante gets away with Raphael on his tail.**

 _ **Raphael: (While chasing Casey) Come back here! I'm not finished with you!**_

 **(We cut to a shot of New York)**

 _ **Raphael: (Yells) DAMN!**_

"Boy, a lot of damns in this movie." Sean said.

 **(A montage of the Turtles saying "Damn" is shown)**

 _ **Raphael: Damn./Damn!/DAMN!/Damn!**_

 _ **Michaelangelo: (While watching a cartoon) Ninja-kick the damn rabbit!**_

 _ **Charles Pennington (Played by Jay Patterson): Danny! Damn it!**_

"In fact, a lot of parents complained about the movie because there was too much cursing in it. Really? Is the word "Damn" really that bad? I guess it's just the parents being a bunch of goddamn assholes." Sean said. "Parents, they can be idiots sometimes."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, couldn't you say another swear word besides "Damn"? At least say something like this.**

 **Sean: (As Raphael) Come back here! I'm not finished with you! SHIT!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Or this.**

 **Sean: (As Raphael) Come back here! I'm not finished with you! FUCK!**

"Wait a minute. You can't say the F-word in a PG movie. Unless if you're Beetlejuice." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Beetlejuice**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Beetlejuice (Played by Michael Keaton): (After kicking down the tree) Nice fucking model!**_

"How that got past the MPAA, no clue." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that April's boss Charles Pennington, played by Jay Patterson, is concerned about April's safety and we're introduced to his teenage son named Danny, played by Michael Turney and we see that they're relationship is not to good like Bill and William from Violette1st.**

 _ **Charles Pennington: (After Danny puts on his headphones to listen to music) See? That's what he does when he wants to ignore me, sticks his head in those things. I wonder where the hell he got those things, anyway.**_

"Well, he's a teenager. That's what teenagers do." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I should've mentioned this to you before, Danny is a criminal as you can see him stealing a $20 bill from out of April's wallet. Hell, you've seen him in the beginning of the movie working with a bunch of criminals. So anyway, April interviews the most incompetent police chief in New York named Chief Sterns, played by the late Raymond Serra. April interviews Chief Sterns about the crime wave that's going on around New York and she questions him about an organization of pajama-wearing psychos known as the Foot Clan. And we see that they're led by the ruthless, evil, deadly Shre…wait, that's The Shredder?**

 _ **Chief Sterns (Played by the late Raymond Serra): (On television) There is no evidence to link such a name to these incidents.**_

 _ **April O'Neil: (On television) Are you denying an organization known as The Foot exists?**_

 **(The Shredder throws a dagger at the television)**

 _ **The Shredder (Voiced by David McCharen, played by James Saito): Find her. Silence her.**_

"No, that can't be The Shredder. This is The Shredder." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the 1987 animated series is shown)**

 _ **The Shredder (Voiced by the late James Avery): But I don't wanna conquer this place, I wanna conquer Earth!**_

"From what I remember, The Shredder is a bumbling idiot who works for Krang. I guess they're making him a bumbling idiot in this movie. Who knows?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) April gets chewed out by Chief Sterns, then leaves right when Raph…oh come on, no one even notices Raphael in that disguise?**

"It's like Don Tommasino recognizing Mosca wearing that priest outfit in The Godfather Part III. Oh, wait. That did happen. Nevermind." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, April is about to go home until she gets cornered by The Foot Clan and they have a little message for her.**

 _ **Foot Messenger (Played by Leif Tilden): Your mouth may yet bring you much trouble, Ms. O'Neil. I deliver a message.**_

 **(The Foot Messenger holds his hand out and slaps April in the face)**

 _ **Foot Messenger: Shut it.**_

 **(April pulls out Raphael's sai from out of her bag)**

"Now we're talkin'! April's gonna kick some ass." Sean said.

 **(The Foot Messenger kicks the sai from out of April's hand)**

"Oy vey!" Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) April gets knocked out by one of the Foot Clan members until Raphael is there to save her from certain death and take her back to their hideout. She wakes up and her reaction…**

 **(April wakes up and sees Splinter, then screams)**

 _ **Michaelangelo: Hi.**_

 **(April sees Leonardo and Michaelangelo. She starts screaming then Michaelangelo and Leonardo start screaming as well)**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **episode** _ **Deep Freeze**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mr. Freeze (Voiced by the late Michael Ansara): I said silence!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Splinter explains the origin of where they came from. See, fifteen years ago, Splinter was just an ordinary pet rat in Japan and we'll get to more on that later. He makes his way to New York and he comes across four baby turtles who were crawling into some glowing green ooze. And the next day, they doubled in size and so did Splinter and they even begin to form words.**

 _ **Baby Turtle: Pizza! Pizza!**_

"What? It could happen." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Splinter decides to name them after the famous Renaissance painters Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo and Donatello. So, April befriends the Turtles and she invites them back to her place for some pizza.**

 _ **April O'Neil: Uh, what do you guys like on your pizza?**_

 _ **Michaelangelo: Uh, just the regular stuff- - flies, stink bugs. It..It was a joke.**_

"Hey, from what I can remember from the animated series, they had weird toppings on their pizza." Sean said. "And by the way, Splinter was human once."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After a night of entertaining April and eating pizza, they come home to find their place ransacked and their master taken away as Raphael let out one of the loudest screams ever.**

 **(Raphael screams)**

"Wow, I never thought that a _TMNT_ movie could be dark? Jeez, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Turtles end up staying at April's place and the next day April's boss arrives as they hide for cover. Charles tells April that she's been working too hard on the story and that he wants her to take it easy for a while and let somebody else handle it. But April says no. Then, Danny notices Michaelangelo after seeing his reflection in the mirror.**

 **(Danny sees Michaelangelo, then turns around and not see him hiding under the table)**

"Whoa, dude. I've gotta stop smoking." Sean said, imitating the character Danny.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Charles has a stern talking to with his son Danny because he got arrested for stealing.**

 _ **Danny Pennington (Played by Michael Turney): I don't know.**_

 _ **Charles Pennington: You don't know? What the heck were you doing with a car stereo anyway? Or don't you know that either?**_

"Uh, who steals car stereos these days? Do they still steal car stereos? That's why car alarms exist." Sean said as he hears the sound of his car alarm going off and pulls out a Micro Uzi. "Excuse me, one second. I'm about to go murder some car thieves. Hey, say hello to my little friend!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Danny runs away from his jackass father and then we cut to a warehouse, where we see a bunch of teens having a good time. And I want you to take a look at this scene. Take a look at it.**

 **(In the scene that Sean mentions, we see some teens smoking and playing pool, we see one teen chewing bubble gum, we see some teens skateboarding, playing arcade games and dancing, gambling, spraying graffiti and listening to rap music)**

"Okay, this is a sign. This scene is a sign saying that this is the end of the 80s and the beginning of the 90s. We have teens smoking cigars, chewing bubble gum, skateboarding and playing video games. What? You telling me they didn't do all of that stuff in the 80s? I mean, how should I know? I was born in '92. So sue me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the Shredder's second-in-command named Hun, I mean Tatsu. Played by Toshishiro Obata. Who you might recognize him as the guy who got his ass blown away by the late Brandon Lee in** _ **Showdown in Little Tokyo**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Showdown in Little Tokyo**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Det. Johnny Murata (Played by the late Brandon Lee): You have the right to be dead.**_

 **(Murata throws the match into a vat of flammable liquids and sets it on fire, killing Sato, played by Toshishiro Obata)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, enough about this guy. We're introduced to the big bad of the movie. I bet you he's going to be like The Shredder in the animated series.**

 **(We see the live action version of The Shredder walking down as his theme music start playing. We then cut to Sean, who has a scared look on his face before we cut back to the Shredder)**

 _ **Tatsu (Played by Toshishiro Obata) Master Shredder.**_

 **(Tatsu bows to Shredder, then pushes some of his cape down to reveal his bladed shoulder pads)**

"Jesus. The movie version of the Shredder looked intimidating and scary as fuck. My god, he is awesome!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We have ourselves the live action version of The Shredder and to be honest, I like this version. See? He doesn't have to be all clumsy. He's played by James Saito from ABC's** _ **Eli Stone**_ **and he appeared in an episode of** _ **Star Trek: Voyager**_ **from what I recall. Also, The Shredder is voiced by David McCharen. So, while we see that Splinter is held captive at their hideout, the Shredder gives one of the best villain speeches ever.**

 _ **The Shredder: You are here because the outside world rejects you. This is your family. I am your father.**_

"And he's being a blatant rip-off of Darth Vader." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones and played by David Prowse) I am your father.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, The Shredder reveals his dastardly plan. And his plan is to…**

 _ **The Shredder: Together we will punish these creatures! These…turtles!**_

Sean starts chuckling a bit after hearing The Shredder's master plan. "That's your plan. I'm sorry but how can I take this guy seriously when he says that he wants to punish these pop culture-spewing, pizza-loving turtles? Sounds like a silly plan. Can you imagine him walking up to someone in the Mafia and hires them to go after some turtles?"

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Phil Leotardo) Alright, Mr. Shredder. You've come to me for some help. I understand that you have some sort of problem.**

 **Carson: (as The Shredder) Yes, I want you to exterminate the problem for me. They are interfering with my business and I want them dealt with.**

 **Sean: (Sips his glass of whiskey) Okay. So, who do you want me to whack?**

 **Carson: I want you to punish these creatures! These…turtles!**

 **(Sean stays silent for a bit, then starts laughing)**

 **Carson: What? What did I say?**

 **Sean: (Laughs) Can you believe this fuckin' guy? You want me go after some turtles?**

 **(Sean continues to laugh, as well as his friends Lucas and Brian, who both join in)**

 **Carson: What? All I said is I want you to go after the turtles who are interfering with my business.**

 **(The three men continue to laugh)**

 **Carson: You know what? Screw you guys, I'm going home.**

 **(Carson leaves)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the Turtles are at April's apartment, watching her on television and telling another reporter about the Foot Clan. Then after the interview ends, Raphael and Leonardo get into an argument while Donatello and Michaelangelo are in the kitchen eating snacks.**

 _ **Leonardo: April's our only link to these guys. We have to wait until she comes up with something.**_

 _ **Raphael: Oh, so that's the plan from our great leader, huh? Just sit here on our butts.**_

 _ **Leonardo: I never said I was a great leader.**_

 _ **Raphael: Well, you sure act like it sometimes.**_

 _ **Leonardo: Yeah, well you act like a jerk sometimes, you know that? And this attitude of yours isn't helping anything.**_

"If you keep on, this attitude of yours is gonna land you on TruTv's World's Dumbest Meltdowns." Sean said, imitating Leonardo.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Raphael goes up on the roof to vent and all of a sudden, Casey just sees him from far away while he's working on a radio.**

"What a coincidence." Sean said nonchalantly.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Raphael gets into a fight with The Foot Clan.**

 **(We see Raphael fighting the Foot Clan)**

 _ **Raphael: I mean, come on. How do you guys expect to beat me?**_

 **(More foot soldiers appear on the roof)**

 _ **Raphael: Good answer. Good answer.**_

"Okay, I know that Raphael is an awesome character and all but where are the rest of the Turtles? We've only got two fight scenes, both of them involving Raphael. And we're only halfway through this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: The Foot Clan drops Raphael through the skylight and the rest of the members of the Foot Clan come crashing through the doors and windows.**

 **(A clip from** _ **City Heat**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mike Murphy, P.I. (Played by Burt Reynolds): Doesn't anyone knock anymore?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Michaelangelo gets into a nunchuck-off with one of the members of the Foot Clan.**

 **(Michaelangelo starts swinging his nunchucks, the back to the Foot Clan member who swings his nunchucks and back to Michaelangelo. We cut to a clip of a hot girl in a bikini swinging her nunchucks until she hits herself in the face)**

 _ **Michaelangelo: (While swinging his nunchucks with his finger) Keep practicing.**_

 **(Donatello jumps over Michaelangelo and hits the Foot soldiers with his bo staff)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! Now we're talking. We get all of the Turtles fighting. Except for Raphael, of course. He's knocked the fuck out. And the fight scene is a little goofy.**

 **(We see the Turtles fighting the Foot Clan)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And things get intense after Casey Jones arrives and a fire breaks out in April's apartment as the Turtles, April and Casey flee before the Foot Clan escapes. Wow, this is some dark stuff.**

 **(We cut to the Shredder walking down the hall, angry and getting ready to interrogate Splinter)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Boy, Shredder looks pissed about something.**

"Would you like to calm down? Maybe smoke some weed or have a drink? Maybe you're a little stressed out. You need to take a soak in a hot tub. Take a minute to chill out." Sean said.

 **(The Shredder slaps Splinter in the face)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jesus!**

 _ **Shredder: What are these…freaks? How do they know how to fight like this?**_

 **(Shredder holds the blade underneath Splinter's chin while Splinter doesn't give him an answer)**

 _ **Shredder: You will answer. Then hang there until you die.**_

"Good God, man! This is supposed to be a movie for kids. This is all a bit much for them. They can't handle that dark stuff. But you know what? All this dark stuff is actually what makes this film a bit better and I like it. Remember, the comics were dark. But you know what the Nostalgia Critic said back when he was talking about the fourth season of _Batman: The Animated Series_ , darker doesn't always mean better." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Danny meets Splinter and he talks to him about fathers and stuff.**

 _ **Danny Pennington: My dad couldn't care less about me.**_

 _ **Splinter: I doubt that is true.**_

 _ **Danny Pennington: Why?**_

 _ **Splinter: All fathers care for their sons.**_

"Yeah, well not all fathers care for their sons. I haven't seen my father in a long time." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Turtles, Casey and April retreat to a farm house that belonged to April's family. And as they're in exile and waiting to return to battle, we get an insight into more of the characters like a possible romance between Casey and April which starts with bickering.**

 _ **April O'Neil: (After Casey tells her that she got fired) What did you do? Did you take classes in insensitivity?**_

 _ **Casey Jones: Hey, I was just trying to break it to you easy.**_

 _ **April O'Neil: Oh, well you failed miserably!**_

 _ **Casey Jones: Hey Broadzilla, you wouldn't be even standing here if it weren't for me. Okay?**_

"Okay, how long until these two end up together in the movie? Come on, just stop bickering and have some hot angry sex like Vegeta and Bulma. I guess that's how Trunks was conceived." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Raph recovers and him and Leonardo make up and the Turtles are four once again and they start training before heading back to New York. But before they do, the Turtles sit by a campfire and contact Splinter through meditation.**

 _ **Splinter: I am proud of you, my sons. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the ninja- - that ultimate mastery comes not of the body but of the mind. Together, there is nothing your four minds cannot accomplish. Help each other. Draw upon one another. And always remember the true force that binds you- - the same as that which brought me here tonight that which I gladly return with my final words. I love you all, my sons.**_

 **(We see Michaelangelo crying)**

"You see that? Turtles can cry." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the Turtles to head back to New York to finish the fight. As they head back to their home, they find that Danny is hiding out in their home.**

 _ **Danny Pennington: I ran away from home.**_

 _ **April O'Neil: Oh, God. Your father's going to have kittens.**_

"Oookay. That was a weird line to say in a movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) April gives Danny one of the drawings and later that night, he sneaks out. But Casey suspects that the young lad is up to no good and follows him. Actually, Danny returns to go see Splinter and he tells him the story about his master Hamato Yoshi. Alright, I like this origin story of Splinter. In the movie, his master was Hamato Yoshi. Hamato Yoshi was one of Japan's finest warriors. He was murdered by his rival, a man named Oruku Saki.**

"Why was he murdered?" Sean asked. "He was murdered over a woman."

 **Sean: (Narrating) He was murdered over a woman named Tang Shen. The two were competing over the love of Tang Shen. Splinter was just a rat who can mimic his masters moves. That is one smart fucking rat. Anyway, in the cartoon, Hamato Yoshi is Splinter and Oroku Saki was one of his students in The Foot and he stabbed him in the back, banishing him from the clan and fleeing to New York.**

"So yeah. His backstory was different than in the animated series." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Danny betrays the Shredder and he learns that the Turtles are back in New York, so he sends some of his men to take them out and he orders Splinter to be killed. Meanwhile, the Foot arrive at the Turtles' hideout, only for the Turtles to get the jump on them. As for Casey and Danny, they save Splinter from certain death but not until Tatsu and the other teens who are recruited by the Foot spot them and Casey ends up fighting Tastu while running his big mouth.**

 _ **Casey Jones: (After mimicking Tatsu) You know, a little Primatene might just help clear up that up there.**_

 **(Tatsu punches Casey in the face)**

 _ **Casey Jones: That's going to cost you, Tinkerbell.**_

 **(Tatsu backhands Casey in the face)**

 _ **Casey Jones: I don't think…I don't think that you're listening.**_

"Dude, shut up. Don't piss this guy off some more. Your big mouth is going to get you killed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Tatsu is about to own Casey, the former hockey player turns the tables on him and beats up the guy.**

 _ **Casey Jones: Fore!**_

 **(Hits Tatsu with the golf club, sending him flying into some boxes)**

 _ **Casey Jones: (Kisses the golf club) I'll never call golf a dull game again.**_

"Not a bad fighter. If only he wouldn't run his mouth. He reminds me of that Russian woman in _World's Dumbest_." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) (Notices an uncredited cameo from Skeet Ulrich) And by the way, recognize that guy who's standing next to Sam Rockwell? That's Skeet Ulrich. Yep, F.P. Jones from Riverdale is in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.**

"Boy, F.P. has a long criminal record. He was Ghostface, he was in the Foot and now he's in the Southside Serpents. Boy, Alice is definitely going to boink his brains out." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the Turtles engage in battle with the Foot and they take the fight to the streets and on the roof of an apartment building. By the way, does anyone in the building ever notice the commotion going on out there? I know that there's a couple in the building having sex and they're probably hearing the noise.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (While having sex) (Grunts) Hey, pipe down out there! We're trying to get busy in here! What was your name again?**

 **Loni: Loni.**

 **Sean: Loni, huh?**

 **Loni: And don't you forget it.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This scene has some silly lines from the Turtles and there's one line in that scene that's my favorite and it was in the trailer.**

 _ **Michaelangelo: (After knocking out the Foot soldier) God, I love being a turtle!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After fighting the Foot, which was a warm-up before you fight the final boss, they finally come face to face with their adversary. The Shredder.**

 _ **Shredder: You fight well in the old style but you've caused me enough trouble. Now you face The Shredder.**_

 _ **Donatello: The Shredder?**_

 _ **Michaelangelo: Um, maybe all that hardware's for making coleslaw.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, just like in volume one of the** _ **TMNT**_ **comic, the Shredder kicks the Turtles asses, taking them out one by one. And they engage in a battle with the walking can-opener. Just like in the comic, except it's not bloody. In the comic, their battle with The Shredder was brutal. Well, in the comic they were raised and trained for the sole purpose of revenge. Hell, Leonardo stabbed the guy in his torso with his Katana. Now talk about brutal! Well, at least he gave him a cut on the arm in this movie. Anyway, The Shredder defeats the Turtles and as he prepares to kill Leonardo, Splinter appears and reveals the Shredder's identity. He is revealed to be Oroku Saki.**

 _ **Shredder: (After removing his mask and revealing his scar) You. Now I will finish what I began with your ear.**_

"Oh, boy. This is going to be the mother of all battles. Get ready, guys. This is going to be good." Sean said.

 **(Saki charges at Splinter with his yari and yells)**

"Oh, this is going to be good! Here it comes! Kick his ass, Splinter!" Sean yelled while eating a bucket of popcorn.

 **(Splinter ensnares Saki's yari with Michaelangelo's nunchaku, leaving him dangling over the edge of the roof)**

 _ **Splinter: Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you.**_

 **(Saki reaches behind his back and pulls out a knife)**

 _ **Splinter: For when you die, it will…**_

 **(Saki throws the knife at Splinter. Splinter catches the knife, releasing the nunchaku as Saki screams and falls to his death into a garbage truck)**

 _ **Splinter: Without honor.**_

"Oh, what the hell? What the hell?! The Shredder kicked the Turtles asses, yet he trips like a cartoon character while trying to attack Splinter. That was awful. That's not a battle. Come on, give us a better final battle. Look, he probably survived from that fall, I guess they're setting up a potential sequel for this movie. I'm pretty sure we'll see The Shredder again and have a better final battle." Sean said.

 _ **Casey Jones: Oops!**_

 **(Casey pulls the lever on the garbage truck to activate the compactor, crushing the Shredder. We see his helmet getting crushed)**

"Whoa! What the hell?! This was supposed to be a kid's movie. You just shown Casey Jones committing murder! You can't show murder in a kid's film!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Clips from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **are shown. We see the death scenes of the characters Chuckie Sol and Buzz Bronski, Salvatore Valestra's smiling corpse and Carl Beaumont's off-screen death but we hear Andrea screaming)**

"Except if that movie is _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ , then yeah." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, the cops arrive and arrest the foot soldiers, Danny and his dad reconcile, April gets her job back and her and Casey get together as the Turtles watch as the two kiss. Reunited with their master Splinter and the day saved as they celebrate their victory but before the film ends, Splinter has one thing to say.**

 _ **Splinter: I have always liked…Cowabunga.**_

 _ **Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo, Dontaello: Cowabunga!**_

 _ **Splinter: I've made a funny! (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And our tale ends as the credits roll with that awesome song by Partners in Kryme called** _ **Turtle Power**_ **.**

"And that was _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_. And it kicks ass!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Clips from the film start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This film marks the end of the 80s and the beginning of the 90s. This movie was an exciting part of my childhood and when I've watched this movie, I saw the perfect attempt of a live-action movie. The movie has taken elements from the comics and the animated series like Shredder's red outfit from the comic and some of the humorous aspects taken from the cartoon. The movie was slick, edgy, had some of it's dark moments and funny. You have a great story, a talented cast of characters and that awesome** _ **TMNT**_ **theme and music score by English composer John Du Prez, who composed the music for** _ **Monty Python's The Meaning of Life**_ **and** _ **A Fish Called Wanda**_ **. And yes, Partners in Kryme's** _ **Turtle Power**_ **is catchy as hell. I tend to sit through the credits just to listen to the song. I consider this to be the best adaptation of the** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **. For those of you who are new to** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **, check this film out. I give Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 5 pizza slices out of 5.**

"And for those of you who are asking me if I'm going to review the 2014 film version that's produced by Michael Bay, it'll be a cold day in Hell if I review something by Michael Bay. Look what he did with the Transformers film series. Except for the first one. That was awesome and so was _The Rock_. It was awesome as well. So, those are the only two films from Michael Bay that I like. Oh, and the 2009 remake of _Friday the 13th_ as well. Hell, the only reason why I watch it are for the gratuitous tit shots. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as the _TMNT_ theme song from the 1987 animated series plays right when he leaves the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline- Cowabunga!**

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of TMNT '90. I hope that you all like the review and this movie was a big part of my childhood and I wanted to review it. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, it's going to be a review of** _ **Halloween II**_ **(the 1981 version, not the Rob Zombie version) which is going to be a co-review with fellow Fanfiction writer and friend Boris Yeltsin, he's also a fan of the Halloween movies or a review of the 1995 film** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **. Which one should I do next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I have some news regarding this story, in October I will be starting Halloween Havoc in honor of Halloween when I take a look at some Halloween movies. Also, I have some sad news. Hollywood has lost a great actor, Oscar-nominated actor Burt Reynolds died today. I was hearbroken by the news because he was one of my favorite actors.** _ **Smokey and the Bandit**_ **was my great-grandmother's favorite movie and it was my favorite movie too. I might review Smokey and the Bandit in honor of Burt Reynolds. Well, I did review** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	36. Episode Thirty-Two: Mortal Kombat (1995)

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean takes a look at one of the best video game movie adaptations ever. He is going to take a look at the 1995 film** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **. And this time, this is another co-review and co-reviewing it with me is fellow writer UltimateWarriorFan4Ever. We're both big fans of the movie and we're both reviewing it. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **is owned by New Line Cinema, Threshold Entertainment and Midway Games.**

 **Episode Thirty-Two**

 **Mortal Kombat**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said after he sits down on his couch in his living room as he prepares to talk about today's film. "Okay, we all know this simple rule. Video games are awesome."

We see posters of video games like _Marvel's Spider-Man_ , _Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare_ , the _Batman: Arkham_ trilogy and the _Uncharted_ series are shown while a guitar riff plays in the background.

"Movies are awesome." Sean said.

We then see posters for movies like _Tag, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, The Simpsons Movie, Smokey and the Bandit, Die Hard_ and _Total Recall_ are shown.

"Movies based on video games fucking suck!" Sean exclaimed as posters for bad video game movies like _Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros., Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Rampage, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider_ and _Doom_ are shown as we hear a crowd of people booing.

 **(Clips of different video game movies are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Why is it that Hollywood tend to mess it up for people who love both video games and movies. We've seen this happen all the time. I mean, we've got the 1989 film** _ **The Wizard**_ **starring Fred Savage, which I thought it was an okay film. But in 1993, Hollywood thought it would be a great idea to make a movie based on a video game. And of course I'm talking about** _ **Super Mario Bros.,**_ **and what a trainwreck it was. The film starred Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Mario and Luigi and Dennis Hopper as King Koopa. I can tell you right now I really hated this movie when I was a kid since I was a big fan of** _ **Super Mario**_ **. Then, a year later, two film were released and they were both based on two awesome video games.** _ **Double Dragon**_ **and** _ **Street Fighter**_ **. And no surprise, they suck balls. Although, I did enjoy** _ **Street Fighter**_ **mostly because of the late Raul Julia's performance as M. Bison.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Street Fighter**_ **is shown)**

 _ **M. Bison (Played by the late Raul Julia) Of course!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We've seen this happen with films like** _ **Tekken, DOA: Dead or Alive, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, Rampage, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Doom**_ **and** _ **The King of Fighters**_ **. And as a fan of these video games, we tend to get pissed off about it.**

"But once in a while, there is a good movie based on a video game. And today's movie is a good example of how to do a video game movie right." Sean said, clearing his throat before saying the title of the movie. " _MORTAL KOMBAT_!"

 **(The title of the movie is shown along with clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 18, 1995. Released a year later after** _ **Street Fighter**_ **, which was released in 1994. You thought we've learned our lesson after** _ **Street Fighter**_ **. But when I saw this movie when I was about 5 or 6 years old at the time, I enjoyed it.**

"But before I begin the review, I'm letting you guys know that today's review is another co-review but this time, I'm doing it with my good friend UltimateWarriorFan4Ever." Sean said.

"Feels pretty damn good to be here, my friend. Although you can call me Lucas for short." Lucas said to his friend. "I never been this psyched since Burger King brought back Surge."

"For those of you who haven't heard of _Mortal Kombat_ , let us give you a brief history on the franchise." Sean said.

 **(Footage from the arcade game is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The game was developed and published by the defunct Midway Games back in 1992 in arcades and in 1993 it was released on every home video game platform like the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis. The game takes place on an island in Earthrealm, where a tournament is being held at Shang Tsung's island and Shang Tsung is an evil Sorcerer who wants to, you guessed it, take over the world.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Street Fighter**_ **is shown)**

 _ **M. Bison: Of course!**_

 **(A barrage of clips from separate** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **games start playing around)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) From there on, it would go on to become not just one of the greatest fighting game franchises of the decade, but without any doubt, it would become one of the greatest video game franchises of all time. There would be sequels and spin-offs to** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **of all kinds. Not also that, but it had cartoons such as** _ **Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm**_ **, comic books, action figures, and not to mention that awesome movie that we're covering right now. And the sequel after that, well… that ain't what we're talking about. Plus, this video game also holds a special significance because it was one of the very few games that caused the formation of what we like to call ESRB, the Entertainment Software Ratings Board.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This video game is so violent, Senator Joseph Lieberman attacked this game and** _ **Night Trap**_ **for their violent content. How violent is it? Really graphic and bloody. In fact, here's various footage of different fatalities in the games.**

 **(Footage from various Mortal Kombat games are shown, like Sub-Zero ripping out Kano's spine from** _ **MK1**_ **, Liu Kang doing a cartwheel kick and uppercutting Reptile from** _ **MKII**_ **, Nightwolf performing the Bell Tower stage fatality on Sheeva from** _ **MK3**_ **, Scorpion performing the "Toasty" fatality on Fujin from** _ **MK4**_ **)**

 _ **Toasty Guy: Toasty! 3D!**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) I'll tell you, if that's not America, I don't know what is.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) When I was around five years old, my mother gave me** _ **Mortal Kombat Trilogy**_ **on the Nintendo 64 and I also got the action figures. Not to mention, my grandmother gave me the movie on VHS for Christmas.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And of course, my first exposure of** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **was at my cousin's house at Oklahoma. I was six years old and the game my cousin possessed was** _ **Mortal Kombat II**_ **for the Genesis. Of course, it was way back in 1994, of course. Now this is 2018, and it's safe to say as a 29-year-old living from Arkansas, I have never looked back.**

"Now, I'm not the one to nitpick on an awesome movie, but there is a problem with this movie. What's the main problem with this movie, well I can give you four syllables: PG-13." Sean said as the PG-13 rating appears. "Now the biggest question is, how will they fit all that gore into a PG-13 movie? Heck, we've seen that happen with _Tomb Raider_ starring Alicia Vikander and the 2010 video game reboot was rated M for bloody violence and showing all the gruesome ways to kill Lara Croft. And then there's _Assassin's Creed_ starring Michael Fassbender and that game series was rated M too. Yeah, two more video game movies that are rated PG-13. But aside from that, we don't see any gruesome decapitations in the film adaptation of _Mortal Kombat_. Hell, I was expecting to see someone getting cut in half."

 _ **Goro (Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson): Disgusting.**_

"Yeah, like what Goro says." Lucas nodded. "Anyway, grab your Mountain Dew Code Red and Spicy Nacho Doritos, because we're giving this review the best damn flawless victory it achieves. Let's take a look at the video game movie done right – _MORTAL KOMBAT_!"

 **(The main titles of the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with the main title sequence showing the Dragon symbol and we get the most kick-ass theme that I've ever heard in my life.**

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme plays)**

And then all of a sudden, both Sean and Lucas immediately danced to the theme song, moving their bodies to the intense beat.

"I am on Cloud Nine right now!" Lucas shouted to his friend while shaking his bag of Doritos to the beat.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that awesome song, we cut to a Shaolin temple, where we see a young fighter named Chan, played by Steven Ho, who's about to confront the evil sorcerer and the main antagonist of the film named Shang Tsung, played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa from the live-action film adaptation of** _ **Tekken**_ **, the Disney Channel original movie** _ **Johnny Tsunami**_ **,** _ **Showdown in Little Tokyo**_ **with Dolph Lundgren and Brandon Lee and** _ **Kickboxer 2: The Road Back**_ **with Sasha Mitchell aka Cody Lambert from** _ **Step by Step**_ **.**

"Oooooh, this is gonna be quite interesting, I can tell." Lucas said as he opened up his bag of Doritos and munched on a chip. "My money's on the short man in red."

"Well, let's see how this fight goes. I have hope in Chan." Sean said as he opened up a bottle of Samuel Adams Boston Lager and took a sip.

 **(Chan tries to kick Shang Tsung, Shang Tsung dodges the attack and blocks Chan's kick. Chan can't land a single hit on the evil sorcerer as Shang Tsung lands a couple of hits on the young boy, then steps on his back as Chan screams in pain)**

"Damn, there goes my $20." Lucas groaned at himself as he gave Sean twenty bucks.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Shang gives the viewer a very serious threat.**

 _ **Shang Tsung (Played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa): Your brother's soul is mine.**_

 _ **Chan (Played by Steven Ho): Liu!**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: You will be next.**_

 **(Shang Tsung throws Chan down on the ground and then we see his face turn into a rotting skeletal corpse, until we see our main character Liu Kang waking up from his nightmare)**

"Jesus! That is one hell of a nightmare." Sean said.

"No kidding." Lucas nodded. "That image puts a damn creepypasty to shame."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that it was a nightmare that our main hero Liu Kang, played by Robin Shou, was having and decides to head back home after receiving a message from his grandfather that his brother was murdered. And that brother was revealed to be Chan, the young fighter who was in the nightmare.**

"And don't worry, this is not the only video game movie that Robin Shou will star in. There's the sequel to this amazing movie, the live-action film adaptation of _DOA: Dead or Alive_ and _Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li_." Sean said.

"By looking at him, I like how Liu Kang looks in the film." Lucas pointed out. "He looks like a Jackie Chan/Eddie Van Halen hybrid. By the way, I liked him in _Beverly Hills Ninja_ though."

"Oh, yeah. He was in that movie. I liked that movie." Sean said.

"Who wouldn't?" Lucas shrugged.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a nightclub in Hong Kong, where we see a team of US Special Forces led by Sonya Blade, played by Bridgette Wilson-Sampras. Well, she was credited as Bridgette Wilson at the time before she married retired tennis player Pete Sampras in 2000.**

"Pete Sampras is a lucky guy because his wife is hot and a total badass in the film." Sean said. "And yes, she was on _Last Action Hero_ and she played smoking hot teacher Veronica Vaughn in _Billy Madison_ the same year six months before _Mortal Kombat_ was released."

 **(A photo of Bridgette Wilson-Sampras as Veronica Vaughn in** _ **Billy Madison**_ **is shown)**

"I'll tell ya, she's so hot, I want to touch her hiney." Lucas smirked naughtily. "But then again, I don't wanna risk having a tennis racket shoved up my ass."

"Agreed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see Sonya and her partner Major Jackson Briggs aka Jax, played by the late Gregory McKinney, are tracking down an Australian crime lord named Kano, played by the late English actor Trevor Goddard, who you might recognize as Lt. Cmdr. Mic Crumby in the NBC/CBS show** _ **JAG**_ **. They're after Kano because he brutally murdered Sonya's old partner and we see that he's in cahoots with Shang Tsung and for some reason, Tsung wants Sonya to be on the boat.**

 _ **Kano (Played by the late Trevor Goddard): Maybe me and Sonya should share a cabin. Have our own little honeymoon cruise.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: If you so much as touch her, Kano…. (Reveals a blade) you're going to need a seeing eye dog.**_

"Okay, first off, that is one sick sexual fantasy of what Kano would do to Sonya. And two, is it just me or does Shang Tsung have a hard-on for Sonya?" Sean asked.

"Maybe because he's just a sick perv for her." Lucas smirked. "Who knows, maybe Shang T-Sung's got a shrine of her in his closet like in _Hey Arnold_."

 **(The scene then switches to Sonya blowing one of Shang Tsung's goons through a window with a shotgun)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) DAMN! Let's look at that part one more time!**

 **(The scene plays back again)**

"DAAAAMN!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, ever noticed that nobody reacted to the sound of gunfire that was going on while everybody was dancing on the dance floor? Look, I know that the music is loud in these places but at least react to when there's a shootout going on. What is this the same nightclub that Gary Busey and his men were running their drug operation at from** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **?**

"Either that or it could be the fact that everyone of these clubgoers think that the gunshots are part of the music." Lucas guessed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Kano escapes and then we cut to Los Angeles, where we are introduced to another character named Johnny Cage, played by Linden Ashby. Johnny is a Hollywood action movie star and a martial artist.**

"And I have to say that Linden Ashby is the best part of the film." Sean said.

 _ **Johnny Cage (Played by Linden Ashby): Let's dance.**_

 **(Johnny knocks down three of the stuntmen, then goes for the fourth stuntman, giving him a few shots to the face with a couple of punches and ending it with a kick to the face as the fourth stuntman doesn't fall after taking a beating)**

 _ **Johnny Cage: (To the stuntman) This is where you fall down.**_

 **(Stuntman falls)**

 _ **Johnny Cage: Where do you get these guys? The press says I don't know how to do this stuff.**_

"Well, you were Sheriff Noah Stilinski from MTV's adaptation of _Teen Wolf_ , so I think you've done pretty much alright for yourself, Mr. Cage." Lucas spoke to the camera with a wink. "Throughout the film, Johnny Cage somewhat acts like the comic relief out of all of the three we've introduced, and that's pretty much awesome. He's also like Xander McCormick cool."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We learn that Johnny is angry because the press believes that he's a fake. Tabloid news can bring up any stupid shit. He gets a visit from his old teacher Master Boyd, played by Peter Jason.**

 _ **Master Boyd (Played by Peter Jason): Johnny, you're one of the best martial artists in the world and I can help you prove it.**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: Prove it? How?**_

"By playing Dr. Brett Cooper in _Melrose Place_ for two seasons." Sean said as a photo of Linden Ashby as Dr. Brett Cooper pops up.

 _ **Master Boyd: A tournament. The tournament. It's held once a generation.**_

"Oh. Well. That works too." Sean said.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, we soon find out after that little invitation that Master Boyd is actually nothing but Shang T-Sung in disguise using his awesome morphin powers. And no, if you're asking me, I'm not making any** _ **Power Ranger**_ **puns. They actually do have Shang's power down pretty good since most of the games involve him transforming into pretty much everyone.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We return to Liu Kang, who's returned to the Temple of the Order of Light and consults with his grandfather, played by the late Lloyd Kino. His grandfather tells Liu Kang about what his brother Chan was doing while he was in America, he was following Liu's footsteps and preparing for the tournament. So Liu wants to represent the order of light at the tournament because his brother's killer is going to be there. But the Chief Priest, played by John Fujioka, is not to skeptical.**

 _ **Liu Kang: I want to represent the order of light at the tournament.**_

 _ **Chief Priest (Played by John Fujioka): For what reason?**_

 _ **Liu Kang: The man who killed my brother will be there.**_

 _ **Chief Priest: That cannot be your only reason for going, or you will fail.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Oh, yes. I forgot, we're fighting for the fate of the world.**_

"Uh, gee, ya think, Liu Kang?" Lucas said with a scoff. "What's next? Is someone gonna fight to see who nails Kendra Lust first?"

"Or is someone gonna fight to see who bangs Natalia Starr first." Sean said.

"I'd be down for both right now…" Lucas smirked in a naughty way.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then the god of thunder and the protector of Earthrealm himself Lord Raiden, played by Christopher Lambert from** _ **Highlander**_ **, makes his entrance.**

 _ **Raiden (Played by Christopher Lambert): The Great Tournament was too much responsibility. But vengeance… that's so much simpler.**_

"Oh, boy. The amount of _Highlander_ references that I'm gonna use for this review because Christopher Lambert is in this film." Sean chuckled a bit.

"I love how awesome his mullet is underneath that hat, though." Smirked Lucas.

 _ **Raiden: So, you're going to win the tournament?**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Yes, I am.**_

 _ **Raiden: Show me how.**_

 **(Liu Kang tries to go up against Raiden, but is stopped by his grandfather)**

 _ **Raiden: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of a simple beggar.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang) Well, no. Because why would I be afraid by…. (Screams)**

 **(Raiden throws Liu Kang down on the ground after Liu tries to lunge at him)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang) (Groaning) Okay, I'm convinced. He's the god of thunder.**

"And here, I thought Thor was the only one." Lucas pointed out. "That totally gives me a good idea for the next _Death Battle_."

"Dude, that would be an awesome idea. _Raiden vs. Thor: Death Battle_. Make it happen." Sean points at the camera. 

However, it wasn't until Lucas suddenly looked at his phone and gulped. "Oh, my bad. It seems to me that battle already happened. It was on YouTube six years ago."

"Damn." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Liu storms off, we then cut to a dock at Chai Wan Bay, Hong Kong, where we find our three heroes waiting for the boat to arrive. We have Sonya and Jax keeping an eye out for Kano, Johnny Cage catches, uh, some guy that looks like Dave Chappelle reading a tabloid magazine until Johnny recognizes him.**

 _ **Johnny Cage: Hey, you're Art Lean. Aren't you? Man, I saw you fight in London, you were great.**_

"I saw you in Half Baked. You were pretty hilarious in that film." Sean said, imitating Johnny Cage.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the guy playing Art Lean is not Dave Chappelle. He's played by Martial Artist Kenneth Edwards. For those of you who are wondering if Art Lean ever appeared in the games, he didn't. He was created exclusively for the movie.**

 _ **Art Lean (Played by Kenneth Edwards): I saw a couple of your films. Listen, you can't fake those me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I know that I'm not imagining this but Art Lean looks like Dave Chappelle. Have you ever noticed that?**

"I was expecting him to say this line." Sean said.

 _ **Art Lean: (His dialogue is replaced by Dave Chappelle's dialogue from his stand-up special) I want that purple stuff.**_

"If that actually happened for real, the movie would have earned gigantic money, Avengers-style." Lucas smirked out.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After Cage's little encounter with the man from** _ **Robin Hood: Men In Tights**_ **, we finally see Johnny Cage and Liu Kang meet up for the first time, and well…. Yeah, see why here.**

 _ **Liu Kang: You want me to carry your luggage?**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: (Pulls out some money) Yeah. I pay money. You carry the bags. Or is that too complicated?**_

 _ **Liu Kang: No. (Takes the money out of Cage's hand) I got it.**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: Good.**_

 **(Liu picks up Johnny's luggage and tosses it into the water)**

 _ **Johnny Cage: Thank God I didn't ask him to park the car.**_

"Not cool, Liu." Sean shook his head in disappointment.

"Seriously? Who in the blue fuck does that?" Lucas asked Sean before saying with example. "It's almost like buying that NES Classic that you want, only for you to give it to your friend so that he could chuck it at the street and see it get run over by a Ferrari! What a dick move, Liu Kang."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The boat arrives and everyone, including Johnny Cage and Liu Kang hop aboard. And as for Sonya, she spots Kano and follows him on the boat.**

 _ **Jax (Played by the late Gregory McKinney): Sonya, don't get on that thing. Hey, Sonya!**_

"Don't worry, Jax. She'll catch up with you in the sequel but you will be played by a different actor and so will Sonya." Sean said.

"Except your arms will pretty much be long F'N gone." Lucas smirked on behalf of Jax.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they board the boat, Johnny goes to confront Liu about his luggage until he has a run-in with Sonya.**

 _ **Johnny Cage: (While Sonya is pointing a gun at him) I'm Johnny Cage. And you are?**_

 _ **Sonya Blade (Played by Bridgette Wilson): Where's Kano?**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: I don't know who you're talking about. But I'm sure I can help you find him.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Out of my way.**_

 **(Sonya looks for Kano)**

 _ **Liu Kang: Just another starstruck fan, huh?**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, the future parents of Cassie Cage." Sean said.

"Damn right. Cassie's definitely got her mom's good looks and her dad's smartass mouth." Lucas smirked again.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Plus, I just love that the boat they're on looks that close to a pirate ship. Makes me wonder if Cervantes from** _ **Soul Calibur**_ **is gonna pop out and scare the ever-loving shit out of Johnny.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sonya searches for Kano on the ship until she is greeted by Shang Tsung.**

 _ **Shang Tsung: It's an honor to finally meet you, Sonya. Shang Tsung at your service.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: I'm looking for a murderer. He boarded this ship.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: I'm impressed. But it is my boat, and if you like a tour, I'd love to give it to you myself.**_

"Oh, man. He'd love to show Sonya the master bedroom. Come on! He wants to tap that hot piece of Special Forces ass." Sean smirked.

"That dude is almost like an Asian Hugh Hefner." Lucas smirked out. "God rest his soul."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) It doesn't last long between the two as she, Liu and Johnny get their first glimpse of two of Mortal Kombat's fan favorites, Scorpion and Sub-Zero. And I have to say, they don't look too bad here in the film.**

 _ **Sonya Blade: (Points her gun at Sub-Zero) Move aside.**_

 **(Sub-Zero freezes Sonya's gun and breaks it in half)**

"Well, she should've said "Freeze"." Sean said. "I apologize for that bad pun."

"I thought that was spot-on." Lucas nodded over Sean.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before a big brouhaha starts between our three heroes and Shang Tsung's minions, Raiden jumps in and stops the whole show before somebody performs a Brutality.**

 _ **Raiden: Enough!**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: Lord Raiden. How good of you to grace us with your presence.**_

 _ **Raiden: Your sideshow freaks attacked my fighters. That is expressly forbidden before the tournament as your emperor well knows.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: My sincere apologies.**_

"Come on, Shang T-Sung. Don't you know the rules on immortals? Never fight on holy ground. This is holy ground." Sean said, referencing the movie _Highlander_.

"Yeah, fighting only works on holy ground. That's the main rule." Lucas pointed out again.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Shang Tsung, Sub-Zero and Scorpion back off, Raiden explains to our three heroes the outcome of the tournament and why they have been chosen to defend Earthrealm.**

 _ **Sonya Blade: Defend it from who?**_

 _ **Raiden: Your world is but one of many realms. One of them is a forsaken land called Outworld, ruled by an immortal who has crowned himself emperor.**_

"And he's one of the cheapest bastards that keeps kicking your ass all the time until you start raging like Angry Grandpa. May he rest in peace." Sean said.

"Trust me, he's cheap in this movie just like in the game itself." Lucas replied before turning to Sean. "By the way, which one are we talking about? Shang T-Sung or that Shao Kahn fella?"

"Oh, I'm talking about Shao Kahn." Sean said.

"Oh, thank goodness for that." Lucas said, breathing a sigh of relief.

 _ **Raiden: The essence of Mortal Kombat is not about death but life. Mortal men and women defending their own world.**_

 **Lucas: (V/O as Raiden) Not to mention eating Doritos, drinking Coke and binge-watching Sailor Moon Crystal.**

 _ **Raiden: One of you will decide the outcome of the tournament. The fate of billions will depend upon you. (Laughs) Sorry.**_

"That's not funny, you insensitive fuck. You don't joke about the lives of people. What kind of Highlander are you?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes arrive at the island where the tournament is taken place. During their arrival, we get some of Johnny's wacky antics.**

 _ **Johnny Cage: While you're at it, why don't you call my agent.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Do I look like your secretary?**_

 **(We see Johnny having a difficult time getting off of the boat while carrying his luggage until he falls into the water)**

 _ **Sonya Blade: Where the hell are we?**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: Do I look like your travel agent?**_

"Well, Johnny's uniform does look like one, I can tell." Lucas pointed out once more before popping another Dorito in his mouth.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they arrive at the island, Liu Kang spots a beautiful woman and he instantly falls head over heels for her. The woman's name is Princess Kitana, the stepdaughter of the emperor of Outworld, played by Talisa Soto.**

 _ **Johnny Cage: You know, when a woman looks at you like that it usually means something.**_

"It usually means that when a woman looks at you like that, she totally wants to bone you." Sean said, winking naughtily.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Fearing that Kitana will betray him, Shang Tsung sends Reptile, who's in his reptilian form, to keep them away from her and to keep an eye on her.**

"Fun fact: Talisa Soto and Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa both appeared in the James Bond movie _License to Kill_ back in 1989. Talisa played a smokin' hot Bond girl named Lupe, the girlfriend of drug kingpin Franz Sanchez and Cary played a Hong Kong narcotics officer named Kwang." Sean said.

"Being in a James Bond movie must have a lot of benefits." Lucas smirked with his mouth full. "Speaking of which, Kitana's so hot it's starting to give me the munchies just by looking at her hotness."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later on, Shang Tsung welcomes everyone with a gigantic feast and gives them a taste of things to come at the tournament courtesy of Sub-Zero and his victim, I mean, combatant. And this happens.**

 **(The guard charges at Sub-Zero with a flying kick but Sub-Zero freezes him and his body shatters into pieces until you see his head rolling towards Shang Tsung's feet)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: Flawless victory.**_

"Yeah, that's pretty much a flawless victory and a fatality." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Flawless victory.**

 **(The word "Fatality" pops up on the screen)**

 **Announcer: Fatality!**

"I'll tell ya, that's a pretty good effect." Lucas nodded. "This is what would've happened if _Mortal Kombat_ got turned into a laserdisc game."

"Also, I liked how they used one of Sub-Zero's fatalities from _Mortal Kombat II_ , where he throws an ice ball and they shatter. Well, this is deep freeze combined with ice ball and that dude ends up shattered." Sean said.

"Damn good combo. Speaking of which…" Lucas nodded right away before asking Sean. "Dorito, my man?"

"Sure." Sean said, taking a Dorito from out of the bag.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Liu goes after Shang Tsung, with Sonya and Johnny Cage tagging along but with Sonya looking for Kano, and while they're tracking down the evil soul-snatching sorcerer, they come across a shadow of a menacing creature.**

 **(Liu, Sonya and Johnny see a shadow of a four-armed creature and a loud roaring sound his heard before the shadow walks away)**

 _ **Johnny Cage: (Whispering) Sonya. You go ahead. Find out what that was. Liu and I will wait here.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, that's real manly of you, Johnny. Send Sonya to find out what that was since you're scared of it.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **is shown)**

 _ **George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Oh, you are such a wuss.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) They end up finding Kano, who's stuffing his leg with a turkey drumstick and he is seen talking to Shang Tsung's right-hand man named Prince Goro, he's played by special effects designer Tom Woodruff Jr. and is voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson, who's voice you might recognize in every single animated movie, show and video game. Goro is the undefeated champ of Mortal Kombat over the past nine tournaments and here's a little thing about Goro, he's prince of a species of half man, half dragon people known as the Shokan, they have four arms and they're brutal. Also, he has a brother named Kintaro. I guess they're brothers. I don't know, I'm trying to figure that one out.**

 _ **Goro (Played by Tom Woodruff Jr. and voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson): That was his intention. Shang Tsung is a great sorcerer. The wise cultivate his favor. Those who challenge his power become his slaves.**_

"Okay, if this movie was made today, then they would've made Goro CGI. I love what they did with Goro in this film, no use of CGI, just puppetry. He looks awesome." Sean said with a smile on his face.

"Almost looks so frickin' real that it's quite scary in a fascinating way." Lucas nodded from that point on.

"I know. And I was scared of that guy when I was little but he looked awesome." Sean said.

"Yeah, just the size of this motherfucker is enough to give Shaq a run for his money." Lucas added in unison.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Shang Tsung appears and he talks to Kano and Goro and he tells Kano that Sonya is not to be harmed, only humiliated.**

 _ **Shang Tsung: I have plans for my beautiful Sonya.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Which means I want to touch her hiney.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He also warns Goro that Liu Kang is competing in the tournament and he's concerned about Princess Kitana that she might help out our warriors.**

 _ **Goro: Why should I worry about her?**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: Princess Kitana is 10, 000 years old and the rightful heir to the throne of Outworld.**_

"You know, for a princess who's 10, 000 years old, she sure is smoking hot." Sean smirked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But our heroes are soon discovered when Shang Tsung sends some of his goons to take them out.**

 **(The theme music starts as the guards appear)**

 _ **Johnny Cage: We got company.**_

"Okay, when that song plays you know what that means…." Sean said.

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Shouted out both Lucas and Sean, channeling their inner MK announcer.

 **(Liu, Johnny and Sonya fight the guards until the scene ends with the announcer saying "Mortal Kombat")**

"Whoa, now that… was a frickin' fangasm there!" Lucas said with a wide smirk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome fight scene, Raiden shows up and he claps his hands sarcastically at their performance, then points to more guards who are about to attack them.**

 _ **Raiden: (Stops them) Uh-uh. (Lighting comes off his fingertip) I don't think so.**_

 **(Raiden chuckles and lighting flashes in his eyes)**

"Oh, glad that you've showed up Raiden and thanks for not helping us out while we were kicking their asses." Sean said sarcastically.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the tournament begins as we see Liu Kang fighting his first opponent, uh some Jamaican guy. I'm sorry but who the fuck are you? Have I seen you in the game before?**

"I guess he's a hidden character in the game." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **character select screen is shown with the music from the Sega Genesis game plays and we see the Jamaican Guy's picture in between Kano and Sub-Zero's pictures)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Shang Tsung) Jamaican Guy.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Knowing nobody named him at all, I can only assume he must be a long-lost Marley brother." Lucas pointed out.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So far, this fight begins when Asian Eddie Van Halen aka Liu Kang and the long-lost Marley brother, we'll call him No-Name, decide to have a weird stick-measuring contest for no reason.**

"Well, what do you know, that stick is just Batman's size." Lucas chuckled, making a dirty reference.

Sean almost chokes on his beer after he started laughing from the dirty joke Lucas made.

"Okay, now that was a good one." Sean laughed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Liu Kang stands victorious in the fight and as for No-Name, he's not so lucky.**

 _ **Shang Tsung: Your soul is mine.**_

 _ **Warrior: No!**_

 **(Shang Tsung takes No-Name's soul.)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: Fatality.**_

"Okay, one: that's not a fatality. How can taking someone's soul be a fatality? It's just like doing a cartwheel kick and an uppercut and you call it a fatality. And two: what was up with that Jamaican dude changing color after Shang steals his soul?" Sean asked.

"From right here, he looks like he could be one of the Smurfs, except if he was Jamaican… and dead." Lucas uttered out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Next up is Sonya and Shang Tsung has a very special surprise for her.**

 _ **Shang Tsung: I have something for you, my dear.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: I don't want anything from you.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: On the contrary. I have something you want very much. You can thank me later.**_

"Shang's not gonna give Sonya the D, isn't he?" Lucas asked Sean. I bet he's gonna give her some D."

"Actually, it's something else." Sean said.

 **(Kano appears and blows a kiss at Sonya)**

 _ **Kano: (Chuckles) Hello, baby. Did you miss me?**_

"Damn, Shang teased us. That bastard." Lucas muttered, feeling a bit letdown.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Well, it appears that Shang's "surprise" happens to be none other than Kano, infamous mercenary of the Black Dragons. Plus knowing from his accent, he's also known for this.**

 **(A clip of Kano from** _ **Mortal Kombat X**_ **plays)**

 _ **Kano: That's not a knife.**_

 **(Kano pulls out his knife)**

 _ **Kano: Now look at this. This little baby brings back memories, now doesn't it?**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: What did you use it to knife your mother in the back?**_

"OHHHHHHHHH!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After he taunts Sonya with the knife he killed her partner with, Kano is gonna learn what happens when you fuck with Ms. Vaughn.**

 **(The scene plays out as Sonya fights Kano)**

"Yeah, that's right Sonya. Give that shrimp on the Barbie the ol' what for." Sean smirked.

 **(Sonya gives Kano a few good hits, the Kano backhands her in the face)**

"Well, that's definitely wasn't lady-like." Lucas shook his head in response.

 **(Kano kicks Sonya in the stomach. Sonya groans in pain)**

 _ **Kano: Does it hurt, baby?**_

"Oh, you bitch! You're a bitch, Kano! I'm opting for Option F, for FUCK HIS ASS UP!" Sean yelled.

 **(Sonya gets Kano's head caught in a head scissors with her legs while Shang Tsung watches)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: Yes.**_

"Yes, she's turning me on more than Karlie Montana." Sean said, imitating Shang Tsung.

"Heck, even Cali Carter for me." Lucas smirked, thinking of the same thing Sean was thinking.

 **(The clip then transitions to Sonya taking down Kano with her legs and then choking Kanon around his neck with her legs, forcing him to beg.**

 _ **Kano: No, Sonya. Don't. Oh, give me a break.**_

"Hmmmm, what do you think, Sean? Should Sonya give him a break?" Lucas asked Sean.

"Sure." Sean nodded. "Sonya, what do you think?"

 _ **Sonya Blade: Okay.**_

Lucas then smirked ahead and said, "Well, it's like what the great David Lee Roth says, "One break… coming uuuuuuuuuuup!"!"

 **(Sonya breaks Kano's neck, killing him)**

"Well, in the words of an old McDonald's commercial from the 1970s, "He deserved that break today."." Sean smirked.

"Probably would've settled for a Kit-Kat bar too." Lucas nodded out.

 **(Clip then transitions to Johnny Cage walking alone in the woods)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) We now get our next fight in the form of Johnny Cage and our dear Ninja Spectre from Hell, Scorpion. And out of all of these fights, this one's my personal favorite for many reasons. One, Johnny Cage nearly dresses like ProJared. Two, punches, kicks and flips that would turn WWE upside down. And three? Well… you know why after the fight.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I like how they got Ed Boon to voice Scorpion even though he voiced the character in the game.**

 _ **Scorpion (Voiced by Ed Boon): Get over here!/Come here!/Welcome./Get down here!**_

"Is it just me or does Scorpion like to end his sentence with the word 'here' all the time?" Lucas raised his eyebrow in question.

"Interesting question. I'm glad that he didn't say "Welcome here", because that wouldn't make any sense." Sean said.

"No crap." Nodded Lucas.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, when both Scorpion and Johnny meet one-on-one for the first time, our favorite hellacious ninja greets Johnny with his little buddy in the form of everyone's favorite** _ **MK**_ **move, the Spear.**

 **(A clip of Goldberg spearing Brock Lesnar at WWE Survivor Series 2016 is shown)**

"No, not that spear!" Lucas shook his head. "I mean, THIS Spear."

 _ **Scorpion: Get over here!**_

 **(Scorpion throws his Spear at Johnny and it chases him through the woods)**

"That move never gets old. Also, I might have a dirty mind but why does Scorpion's hand looks like a vagina being penetrated?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Do I have to censor out Scorpion's hand? I mean, it looks like Tiffany Watson getting penetrated by Kieran Lee in a Brazzers video.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, the spear falls short of it's prey when Johnny manages to outsmart Scorpion, forcing Scorp's little buddy to get tangled up in a tree. Our favorite actor doesn't get time to rest as Scorpion, doing a nice little cart-wheel for a little entrance, decides to attack Cage with his Spear for a second time when…**

 **(Scorpion tries to get Cage with another Spear move, but Cage moves out of the way, forcing the Spear to miss and strike a tree instead)**

"He shoots and misses!" Lucas smirked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's Johnny's turn to attack when he tries to Shadow Kick Scorpion, but our favorite Ninja Spectre sends him to Hell.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Tales from the Hood**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mr. Simms (Played by Clarence Williams III): Welcome to Hell, motherfuckers!**_

 _ **Scorpion: Welcome!**_

 **(Johnny turns and sees Scorpion. Scorpion punches Johnny in the face and the fight scene plays out)**

"Now this is what I'm talking about." Lucas smirked with a mouthful of Doritios. "This fight between Johnny and Scorpion is so fast-paced and intense, it'll have more action than a Scoreland scene starring Bambi Blacks."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Things start to get intense as Scorpion removes his mask, revealing his Skeletor face with flaming eyeballs until Johnny gives Scorpion a spear of his own.**

 **(A clip of Edge spears Jeff Hardy in Wrestlemania X-Seven is shown)**

"Wrong spear!" Sean rolled his eyes.

 **(Johnny, now armed with a spear and a bladed shield, throws the spear at Scorpion's arm, cutting him as we see fire and magma spewing out)**

"Oh, shit!" Sean almost spits out his beer. "Scorpion is bleeding fire and magma. What the heck?"

"Okay, I'm pretty sure THAT ain't possible!" Lucas pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Johnny defeats Scorpion by slashing him in the chest and part of his skull with the shield and Scorpion's head starts exploding like that dude from David Cronenberg's** _ **Scanners**_ **.**

 **(Johnny runs as Scorpion explodes. We see parts of Scorpion's body lying around until we see an autographed photo of Johnny Cage that says, "To my greatest fan. Johnny Cage", written on it)**

"Now wait a minute, where did Scorpion get an autographed photo of Johnny Cage?" Sean asked.

"I don't know, maybe it kinda fell out from Cage's pants themselves." Lucas guessed out. "That dude needs to take better care of his stuff."

"That's why I always keep my autographed photos of celebrities in a portfolio book. Johnny, learn to take better care of your stuff." Sean said, shaking his head.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that awesome fight scene, we go back to Liu Kang and he's on the beach, preparing to go up against his next opponent. And we see that his next opponent is…**

 **(Shang Tsung points to Liu Kang's next opponent. Liu turns around and sees that his next opponent is Kitana as sexy porno music starts playing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Hellooooooooo Nurse!**_

"DAMN!" Lucas shouted in pure arousal. "I bet there were a lot of boners increased with that outfit."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The fight begins and… damn! Kitana's fine as fuck. Anyway, during the fight, Kitana gives Liu some tips on how to win his next match.**

 _ **Kitana (Played by Talisa Soto): To win your next match, use the element which brings life.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: What?**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: Kitana!**_

 **(Liu flips Kitana over and gets her in an arm lock)**

 _ **Kitana: Remember my words.**_

"I'll try to remember your words and I want you to keep wearing that outfit because my dragon is rising." Sean smirked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After defeating Kitana and Shang Tsung is disappointed with her, Liu moves on to his next match and this time his next opponent is cool as ice.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Cool as Ice**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Johnny (Played by Vanilla Ice): Drop that zero and get with a hero.**_

"SHUT UP!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, Liu Kang's opponent is another MK fan fave in the form of Sub-Zero. And just to remind everyone watching, this is the Bi-Han version from the original** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **. Just so we're crystal clear.**

"I'm not gonna lie, we should've gotten a clip of Foreigner singing _Cold As Ice_ instead of Vanilla Ice." Lucas reminded Sean.

"I haven't thought about that. Yeah, I should've used that clip instead." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Liu fights Sub-Zero and this cold ninja has the upper hand against Liu for most of the fight. And when Sub-Zero uses his ice powers, Liu remembers a little tip from a smokin' hot 10,000 year old princess.**

 _ **Kitana: Use the element which brings life.**_

 **(Liu sees the water that was spilled out of the bucket that was knocked down getting frozen from Sub-Zero's powers)**

 _ **Liu Kang: Water.**_

"Well, duh. No shit, Sherlock." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Liu grabs a hold of a bucket of water and starts swinging it around while the water stays in the bucket even though the water would just fly out of the bucket. And this results in Sub-Zero's attack backfiring on him.**

 **(Liu throws the bucket of water at Sub-Zero. The water turns into an giant icicle, pinning Sub-Zero to a wall and killing him. We see Sub-Zero get frozen)**

 **(A sound clip from** _ **Suburban Commando**_ **plays)**

 _ **Charlie Wilcox (Played by Christopher Lloyd): I was frozen today!**_

"Sorry, that had to be done." Sean chuckled.

"Sounds way better than that Vanilla Ice atrocity." Nodded Lucas.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Liu defeats Sub-Zero, we now cut to Prince Goro who's sitting on his throne in his lair as Shang Tsung permits him to fight.**

 _ **Goro: Is it time?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Invasion U.S.A.**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Matt Hunter (Played by Chuck Norris): It's time.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: We've let these humans win enough.**_

 _ **Goro: At last.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a montage of various fighters being thrown around like ragdolls by Goro and we get an awesome guitar riff. And after that, Art Lean, the Dave Chappelle looking dude goes up against Goro.**

"Okay, my money's on brother man. I have faith in him." Sean said.

"You're on. $50 bucks says Goro owns his ass, Brock Lesnar-style." Lucas smirks, putting his $50 on the table.

"Alright." Sean said, putting $50 on the table as well.

 **(Art gives Goro a few good hits, but gets a beatdown from Goro before grabbing the dazed fighter)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: Finish him!**_

 _ **Goro: Time to die.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: Finish him.**_

 **(Goro gives Art the final blow)**

"Damn!" Sean said, handing Lucas $50.

"Booyah, baby!" Lucas smirked happily in victory before declaring. "PlayStation Classic, here I come!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Goro defeats Art Lean, Shang Tsung proceeds to take Art's soul…. with his eye. Weird. Then, Raiden talks to our heroes and he tells them that they can defeat Goro and Shang Tsung but the only thing that is stopping them is their fears and they must face their fears to overcome them.**

 _ **Raiden: You, Johnny, are afraid you're a fake, so you'll rush into any fight just to prove you're not. You'll fight… bravely enough… but foolishly… carelessly… and you'll be beaten. You, Sonya… are afraid to admit even you sometimes need help. If you are afraid to trust… you will lose.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Wait. Wait. What about me?**_

"Yeah, what about Liu Kang?" Sean asked.

 _ **Raiden: You fear your own destiny.**_

"Well, that's some advice." Lucas rolled his eyes. "Next thing you know, Raiden tells me I fear rats. Which I totally do."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) However, it's now revealed that Johnny Cage wants to fight Goro in order to avenge his dead friend Art, revealing his plan to Sonya in a drop-dead sunset setting.**

"And may I ask how I love this setting between the both of them right now?" Asked Lucas. "I'm gonna be biased here, but this looks like a scene somebody filmed for a Time-Life music infomercial. I can see it now…"

 **(Scene switches back to Johnny Cage and Sonya in the sunset, but this time, Lucas starts narrating the scene as if it was an actual Time-Life music infomercial)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) The romantic tunes… the sweet sounds… the relaxing atmosphere… and it's all a part of Time-Life's brand new collection called** _ **Sappy F***in' Love Songs**_ **. Includes hits such as** _ **I Just Wanna Stop**_ **by Gino Vannelli,** _ **Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue**_ **by Crystal Gayle,** _ **These 70's Songs Don't Make Any Sense About Mortal Kombat**_ **by Lucas Hackett,** _ **No One Will Get These Cause They Weren't Born In The 80's or 90's**_ **by Sean J. Archer, and the best song in the album,** _ **Johnny Cage and Sonya Walk Into A Sunset**_ **by Lucas Hackett. Plus 12 other mushy love songs that no one gave a stupid f**k about because they weren't born in either 80's or 90's, like my friend Sean put it. So order now toll-free at 1-800-DUMBASS. But please order right now. If you do, you'll receive a free copy of** _ **Brazzers Porn Tunes**_ **filled with actual love making sounds. Both are $49.99 so call now!**

"I would soooooo buy that." Lucas smirked out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Shang Tsung grants Johnny's request to challenge Goro and in exchange, he grants this…**

 _ **Shang Tsung: In return I reserve the right to challenge the winner myself. Or another of my choosing. In a place designated by me for the final battle of the tournament.**_

"And the prize is you get to bang both Kali Roses and Cali Carter in a threesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Raiden steps in to try to stop the transaction but he's too late and he confronts Johnny about it. Then Johnny gives Raiden the most simple answer ever.**

 _ **Raiden: What have you done?**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: I made a choice. This is our tournament, remember? Mortal Kombat. We fight it.**_

"Respect to you, my man." Lucas said with a respectful fist bump to Cage. "Let me tell ya, that dude fears nothing."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the fight of the century as Goro goes up against his new victim, I mean challenger, Johnny Cage. And the fight begins as Johnny takes off his sunglasses and…..**

 **(Goro grabs Johnny's sunglasses and crushes them)**

"Oh, no you did not just crush Johnny's signature sunglasses! You are so gonna die tonight!" Sean points at Goro.

 **Goro: This puny mortal will be no problem. I'll crush him in one blow.**

 **Johnny Cage: Alright. Let's dance.**

"And cue one of Johnny Cage's signature moves in 3… 2… 1…" Sean said.

 **(Johnny Cage performs a split low enough for the actor to punch Goro right in the crotch, leaving the Shokan screaming in pain)**

"OHHHHHHHHH!" Lucas hollered in excitement.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOH! He won't be able to use that while watching a Brazzers Hot and Mean video with Monique Alexander and Elsa Jean." Sean said. "So Johnny, how did that feel?"

 _ **Johnny Cage: Damn, that hurt.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Johnny runs off trying to trick Goro into following him and the Shokan takes the bait until Johnny gets the drop on him.**

 _ **Johnny Cage: Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole.**_

"Don't worry, he'll still owe Johnny some sunglasses." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat X**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Goro: Johnny Cage.**_

 _ **Johnny Cage: Don't you owe me some sunglasses?**_

 _ **Goro: Here is what you are owed!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Johnny easily defeats Goro by thowing him off the edge of the mountain, but before Goro goes, Johnny has some parting words for the menacing Shokan.**

 _ **Johnny Cage: This is where you fall down.**_

 **(Goro falls to his death and screams)**

"To quote Michael "Pickleboy" Green from the Angry Grandpa video _The PS4 Treasure Hunt_ , "Happy trails, motherfucker!"." Sean said.

"That's gotta be one long fall." Lucas nodded out. "I heard if you put your hand right to your ear, you can still hear Goro scream."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) The celebration doesn't last long though as Sonya is now in the clutches of Mr. Shang T-Sung. Which obviously means that he's kidnapping her for either his sidekicks or just having the possibility of Sonya being Shang's sex slave.**

 _ **Shang Tsung: I hearby exercise my right to challenge. I challenge her!**_

"More like dominating her." Sean said.

"Damn right, buddy." Lucas said, high-fiving him.

"Yeah." Sean said, high-fiving Lucas.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Shang kidnaps Sonya, it's up to Liu and Johnny to enter the portal to Outworld, where they run into an unexpected guest.**

"Ooh ooh ooh, I know what it is." Lucas said, raising his hand t him before guessing. "Does it rhyme it Sleptile?"

"Ding ding ding, we have a winner!" Sean said. "Give that man a prize."

"Sweet!" Lucas squealed in delight. "What do I win?"

"You get to sit through and watch another fight scene." Sean said.

"Boo-yah!" Lucas shouted in victory.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Liu comes across the beast known as Reptile and he throws him into a statue that grabs him with tentacles and he goes into his humanoid form.**

 **(The Shao Kahn voice clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat II**_ **is heard)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: Reptile.**_

"Oh, thanks for letting us know that it was Reptile, movie. We didn't know that it was him because he was a statue that captures a bad CGI reptile. Shouldn't you just have him in his humanoid form like in the games?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nowadays he nearly looks like an actual reptile." Lucas said, bringing up Reptile's appearance in _Mortal Kombat 9_ and _X_.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, we get one intense fight between man and a freaky snake-like lizard. And I gotta say, it's very fast-paced like the Cage vs. Scorpion encounter, except the fact that Reptile smells like a dirty sweatshirt.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I would just like to point out was that mouth on the mask necessary? But you want to know what I like about this scene was that Liu Kang used his bicycle kick move on Reptile.**

"Although, I feel there's something missing in this scene. Oh, I know. This little sound effect." Sean pointed.

 **(The Liu Kang Bicycle Kick sound clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat II**_ **plays right when Liu Kang performs his Bicycle Kick move on Reptile)**

"It would be awesome if that move was done in real life." Lucas smirked before pondering. "I wonder how…?"

Knowing how much he wanted to be sure, Lucas got off the couch and backed away from the furniture. He then took a deep breathy and dashed his feet in the air…

…

…

…

…only to fall on his ass.

"Owww…" Lucas groaned painfully. "I was wrong. It can't be done."

"Are you alright?" Sean asked, helping Lucas up.

"I think so. My ass is getting sore." Lucas nodded, giving him the OK.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Liu Kang bicycle kicks Reptile's ass, Reptile turns back into a statue and a bunch of bugs and worms come out of him, Liu delivers the final blow on the reptilian menace.**

 **Liu Kang: Oh, no you don't.**

 **(Liu Kang steps and squishes Reptile, killing him as we get a shot of bugs crawling out)**

 **Kitana: Well done.**

 **(Liu Kang turns and sees Kitana)**

 **Kitana: You're finally learning, Liu Kang.**

 **Liu Kang: Kitana.**

 **Kitana: Come with me.**

"Don't mind if I do." Sean smirked naughtily.

"I bet he learns the same thing in the bedroom." Lucas winked along with his friend.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After meeting with the hot Edenian princess, Kitana explains what had become of the realm.**

 _ **Kitana: My father was the rightful ruler of Outworld. Then his best warriors lost ten Mortal Kombats and the Emperor entered the realm, killed my parents and adopted me to lay claim to the throne.**_

"Wait, wait, wait. I hate to nitpick on an awesome movie but I'm gonna have to because I have a personal bone to pick with this scene. In her backstory in the video game, Kitana's mother Sindel was forced to witness the enslavement of her people after Shao Kahn invaded Edenia. Her father King Jarod was murdered by Kahn and Sindel killed herself rather than becoming Kahn's queen. Uh, haven't screenwriter Kevin Droney and director Paul W.S. Anderson read Kitana's backstory?" Sean asked. "Come on, guys."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a CGI tower where Shang Tsung is holding Sonya captive and we see Sonya in a red dress chained as Shang Tsung and a bunch of guys with cloaks enter the room.**

"Alright, I just composed a Brazzers porn parody of _Mortal Kombat_ with Mia Malkova as Sonya Blade in my mind." Sean smirked.

"Hell yeah, I would dig that casting choice." Lucas smirked out with a nod. "I can totally picture some sort of S&M vibe going on here."

"You get Nick Manning as Shang Tsung and you get the perfect scene." Sean said.

"Dude, that would be the perfect choice!" Lucas smirked loudly. "If that happened, I frickin' buy it. I wonder if Shang's good at "droppin' loads" than taking souls?"

 _ **Shang Tsung: Hoping against hope. Such an endearing human trait I'm touched, Really. One last chance, Sonya. Fight me in Mortal Kombat.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Go to Hell.**_

 _ **Shang Tsung: Take her away. The Emperor will be overjoyed.**_

 **(Shang Tsung smiles. We pause at Shang smiling)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) See that smile? That's the smile of a man who's gonna give a hot chick some Vitamin D.**

"Yeah, all of you people know what we're getting at here." Lucas said to the camera, wiggling his eyebrows.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Unfortunately for Shang, he doesn't get the chance to give her D as you guessed it…**

 **(Scene switches to Liu Kang, Johnny Cage and Kitana revealing themselves in front of Shang Tsung)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: Seize them!**_

 _ **Kitana: Stay where you are! Will you dare interfere with the tournament and betray our Emperor? In his great wisdom, he knows that Mortal Kombat cannot be won by treachery.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes arrive to rescue Sonya and instead of Shang Tsung challenging Sonya, he picks Johnny Cage to challenge him. But wait, someone else wants to challenge him. Can you guess who it is?**

 **(A picture of Frankie Gaines from** _ **I Am Frankie**_ **is shown)**

"Right. It's Frankie Gaines. Shang Tsung is about to challenge a female android from a show on Nickelodeon. You're a frickin' idiot!" Sean yelled.

"I know who." Lucas raised his hand.

"Ah, who is it?" Questioned Sean.

"With a deep breath, Lucas answered. "Is it Liu Kang?"

"Yep." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Liu Kang challenges Shang Tsung and the evil sorcerer accepts. This is it, guys. The fight you've been all waiting for. It's Pepsi vs. Coke, Nintendo vs. Sega, McDonald's vs. Burger King, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant.**

"And for fantasy purposes, PornHub vs. Brazzers." Lucas smirked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But wait, it's not a fight until two little words are shouted out.**

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean and Lucas both shouted out after the man yell it out.

 **(We cut to Liu Kang and Shang Tsung fighting. Shang tries to get a hit in but Liu gives him one good right hook to the face)**

"Damn, this is starting to get good." Lucas said with his mouth full of Doritos.

 **(Shang Tsung touches his bottom lip and sees that he's bleeding and spits on the floor)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: You fool!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **season one episode** _ **Bart the General**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Nelson Muntz (Voiced by Nancy Cartwright): You made me bleed my own blood.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting slugged in the face by Liu Kang, Shang Tsung unleashes the souls of warriors that he defeated in the past to take care of Liu Kang, but they're simply no match for Liu Kang. And now, it's the final round as Liu Kang confronts Shang Tsung. I guess it's a good time to put those shape-shifting powers to good use.**

 _ **Liu Kang: (To Shang Tsung) I'm not afraid of my destiny. Face me.**_

 **(Shang Tsung shapeshifts into Chan and turns around)**

 _ **Chan: Liu.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Chan? It can't be.**_

"Seriously? How stupid is Liu Kang here?" Lucas replied in facepalmed fashion. "I can't believe he's being fooled to believe his own brother is alive when he's OBVIOUSLY D-E-A-D, dead."

"The dude just shape-shifted right in front of him and Liu Kang is being duped. Not to mention that there's a perfectly placed spike pit waiting for him to get impaled. Liu, you're an idiot!" Sean yelled to the camera.

"Where in the hell is Raiden when you need him?" Lucas asked Sean. "I swear, someone strike Liu Kang with a thunderbolt across his head. Maybe he'll wake up."

 _ **Chan: Raiden sent me to help you.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: You're not really Chan.**_

Sean removes his glasses from off of his face and makes a facepalm along with Lucas. "Okay, do I have to get Cole Reyes from _I Am Frankie_ to beat you with a tennis racket or should I just pull a move from _Deadly Alliance_ and snap your neck because I'm ready to fucking kill you!"

 _ **Chan: Liu, come with me.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Matlock**_ **episode** _ **The DJ**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ben Matlock (Played by the late Andy Griffith): He's a genuine true jackass!**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Chan chose his own path. Every man is responsible for his own destiny. Shang Tsung killed my brother!**_

 **(Shang Tsung shape-shifts back into his normal self)**

 _ **Shang Tsung: You're mine!**_

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Liu Kang knew he fucked up.**

"Ohhhhh yeah." Lucas nodded out. "Now this just got real."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Shang gives Liu a few good hits and knocking him down, but Liu is not ready to give up, not without a fight. Liu then orders Shang to free the souls of the people to kill but Shang is not ready to free them not without a fight, so Liu starts beating the evil sorcerer down.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And one by one, Shang T-Sung gets his ass handed with each shot there ever is.**

"Speaking of shots…" Lucas said as he reached around the couch to grab a bottle of cinnamon rum. "I'm so ready for one right now."

After he put the bottle down, he then grabbed two shot glasses for himself and Sean before picking up the rum bottle and replied. "Some non-relatable cinnamon rum, my good man?"

"Sure. I'm ready for a shot." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After beating down Shang Tsung with every shot, Liu Kang delivers the final blow.**

 **(Liu Kang yells and shoots a fireball as Shang Tsung falls to his death. He ends up impaled on a spike)**

 _ **Liu Kang: Flawless victory.**_

"Flawless victory? I'm sorry but can we play back the footage?" Sean asked.

 **(We see Shang Tsung giving Liu Kang a few good hits)**

"That's not a flawless victory. Shang Tsung clearly gave Liu some shots. How the fuck is that a "Flawless Victory"? When you get a flawless victory, you can't get hit. Can you imagine if Goku didn't get hit by Vegeta in the first season of _Dragon Ball Z_. Vegeta tries to give Goku a few good hits but couldn't hit him and Goku is the one giving him all the hits. That would be impossible. And second, Liu Kang performed a fatality on Shang Tsung. Shouldn't he just say "Fatality"? Matter of fact, maybe I can fix that for you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang) Fatality.**

"Now THAT'S how it's done." Lucas pointed out. "Yikes, whoever made this movie needs to play Mortal Kombat more enough."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) When Shang T-Sung dies, a big burst of white light appears around the** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **logo with souls that Shang has consumed. And our tears commence when Liu Kang reunites with his dead brother Chan for the last final time.**

 _ **Chan: I knew you'd come.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Chan.**_

 _ **Chan: One day we will be reunited. But until then, my spirit will always be with you. Go in peace, my brother.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, they're playing the same song that was used in the opening credits of that Angelina Jolie movie** _ **Hackers**_ **. Don't believe me, check out the opening credits to** _ **Hackers**_ **on YouTube and the name of the song that's playing on the scene is** _ **Halcyon On and On**_ **by Orbital. Anyway, the day is saved and our heroes return to Earthrealm to celebrate. Kitana goes to Earthrealm with Liu Kang and Johnny and Sonya get together with Raiden waiting for them.**

 _ **Raiden: I've been waiting for you. What took you so long?**_

 _ **Liu Kang: I guess you knew it would end this way.**_

 _ **Raiden: Didn't have a clue.**_

"Oh yes, all's well that ends well." Lucas nodded right before the camera closed in on his face, forcing him to shout in dramatic suspense. "OR IS IT?!"

 _ **Menacing Voice: Bow to me!**_

 _ **Liu Kang: What is it?**_

 _ **Raiden: The Emperor.**_

 **(We see Shao Kahn's giant figure appear in the skies)**

 _ **Shao Kahn (Voiced by Frank Welker): You weak pathetic fools! I've come for your souls!**_

"Holy shit! Shao Kahn is huge! And he has the voice of Dr. Claw." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Shao Kahn) Next time, Raiden. Next time.**

 _ **Raiden: I don't think so.**_

 **(We see our heroes take up their fighting stances, preparing for another fight. We then get a shot of the MK logo before we see the end credits and the Mortal Kombat theme plays)**

"And that was _Mortal Kombat_ and it is still awesome as always." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) What can we say that hasn't been said about this movie? This is what we expected from the franchise. Sure, the gore level lessened up due to the rating, but what definitely makes it up are the hard, intense action throughout the movie. The characters got their moves from the games down pretty well, the fight scenes are incredible to watch and who of course doesn't love the humor of one Johnny Cage? I know I do, and it's one of the many reasons this movie is still a fan favorite in the eyes of** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **fans everywhere.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie is a prime example of how to do a very good live-action movie adaptation of a video game. And I know that a lot of you out there are asking "Sean, please review** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **.", when that time comes, I'll review that movie because I have a lot of serious issues with it.**

"But hey, another good thing about _Mortal Kombat_ is the theme music." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown again while the theme music is playing)**

"Fuck yeah! It's gets me so pumped up!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A fun and exciting movie to watch, it could be cheesy at times but it's still friggin' awesome and if you like video games and if you're a fan of the** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **franchise, then this is the film for you. That's why** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **is getting 4 MK logos out of 5.**

"Well, that's it for this review. Thank you for joining me to review this movie, Lucas." Sean said.

"No prob, my good sir. Whenever you need me, I'm right there with you." Lucas said, fist bumping Sean. "And yep, that was a _Best Friends Whenever_ reference.

"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said, then remembers he has something else to add. "Oh, wait. Next month is October, you know what that means. My first annual Halloween Havoc starts next month."

Sean starts doing a sinister laugh and we hear the sound of thunder.

"Readers beware, you're in for a scare." Sean said. "See you guys next time."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **Let's Dance.**_

 **That's all for the review of** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **. Thanks to UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing the movie with me. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the review for** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **the movie. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean kicks off his first annual Halloween Havoc for the month of October. So, for the first movie for Halloween Havoc, the movie that I'll be reviewing is the 1983 film Psycho II. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	37. Episode Thirty-Three: Psycho II

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you yet another great and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. It's October and you know what that means? It's the first annual** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Throughout the month of October, I will be reviewing a couple of terrifying features that will chill your bones. My first movie to review for** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **is the 1983 thriller Psycho II, the sequel to the 1960 Hitchcock thriller** _ **Psycho**_ **. Is it the sequel that we've asked for or does it have to be a forgotten gem? We'll find out today in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Psycho II**_ **is owned by Universal Pictures.**

 **Episode Thirty-Three**

 **Psycho II**

We see Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room once again, this time he is seen wearing a Halloween baseball cap, a t-shirt with a skull on it, blue denim jeans and a pair of white Adidas sneakers. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's October and I wanted to do something special and here it is…. IT'S _HALLOWEEN HAVOC_!"

 **(We get an intro parodying the intro to Rod Serling's N** _ **ight Gallery**_ **. Instead it says Sean J. Archer's** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **in Eurostile Extended Bold font. The intro ends with Sean wearing fake vampire teeth and the camera hits him in the face, knocking him out)**

"Throughout the month of October, I will be taking a look at a few terrifying tales that will curdle your blood. Our first tale, let's talk about one of the most iconic horror movies of all time. _Psycho_." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the 1960 film** _ **Psycho**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Based on the 1959 novel of the same name by the late Robert Bloch, the film was directed by the master of suspense himself Alfred Hitchcock and the screenplay was written by Joseph Stefano. It tells the tale of a young woman, played by the late Janet Leigh, who ends up staying at the Bates Motel after embezzling money from her employer. The motel is run by a seemingly innocent man named Norman Bates, played brilliantly by the late Anthony Perkins. Here's something about Norman, he has a slight mommy complex.**

 _ **Norman Bates (Played by the late Anthony Perkins): A man's best friend is his mother.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie has the most iconic shower scene of all time.**

 **(The scene where Marion Crane gets killed in the shower by "Mother" is shown)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Mother! Oh, God! Mother! Blood! Blood!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film ends with one of the biggest twists ever where we see that, spoiler alert for those of you who haven't seen** _ **Psycho**_ **, Mother is dead and we see that "Mother" is Norman Bates dressed in drag. He has a split personality. The film was one of the most iconic films of all time with a classic music score by the late Bernard Hermann. The acting, the directing, the music and the cinematography were pretty good. The film also had one of the best endings ever where we see Norman Bates sitting in his cell with that creepy smile on his face. The film had the perfect ending, there's no way that they can continue this.**

"Well, with a film that good, there's no way that they could make a sequel out of this. Well, someone in Hollywood got a case of sequelitis and they did. Which brings me to today's topic… _Psycho II_." Sean said.

 **(The title is shown as well as clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in 1983, 23 years later after the release of the original. The film takes place 22 years after the events of the original film. There was a sequel to the book called** _ **Psycho II**_ **, which was unrelated to the film. We get two returning characters from the original and we get some new faces. I did not know that there was a** _ **Psycho II**_ **when I first saw the film on AMC. The one film I first known about was** _ **Psycho III**_ **and** _ **Psycho IV: The Beginning**_ **.**

"Is this the sequel that people have been asking for or should it be forgotten? Let's take a look at the film to find out. This is _Psycho II_." Sean said.

 **(The film starts and we see the Universal Pictures logo in black and white)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens in black and white. Wait a minute, this movie's in black and white? I thought it was in color. Look, it's 1983. We stopped using black and white in movies. Well, sometimes. No, actually the whole film is not in black and white. It's just the movie's way of showing what happened on the night Marion Crane died.**

"Really, movie? Do we need to know what happened? Look, we know what happened. Do people who haven't seen the original need to know? You know what? Let me do it for you."

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Taylor: (While taking a shower) Ah, there's nothing like a nice relaxing hot shower after a long day from work. I just wish that Sean was there to join…**

 **(Sean, dressed as his mother, enters the bathroom and attacks her with a Cosmopolitan Magazine)**

 **Sean: Here's your magazine! Here's your magazine!**

 **(Taylor screams, we see the ink from the magazine in the water. Sean leaves the bathroom as Taylor slumps down. We get a shot of the ink from the magazine going down the drain)**

 **Taylor: Seriously, Sean?! God! I'm dating an idiot!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"There! I had to do it for you, movie!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the movie let's us know what happened in the original, we see that the movie goes to color after we get a shot of the Bates house and what we get is not the traditional** _ **Psycho**_ **music score from the late Bernard Hermann, but instead we get a more somber, melancholy and tragic music score from Jerry Goldsmith. Not a bad choice. The film was written by Tom Holland…**

 **(A photo of Tom Holland, the actor who plays Peter Parker/Spider-Man in** _ **Spider-Man: Homecoming**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, not that Tom Holland. The other Tom Holland.**

 **(A photo of writer/director Tom Holland is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) There we go. Yes, the same Tom Holland who's known for directing** _ **Fright Night, Child's Play**_ **and** _ **Stephen King's The Langoliers**_ **. The film marks the American debut of the late Australian director Richard Franklin, who directed the 1991 film** _ **FX 2**_ **and in 1984 he directed the movie** _ **Cloak & Dagger**_ **, which was also written by Tom Holland and it starred Dabney Coleman and future** _ **Psycho IV: The Beginning**_ **star Henry Thomas.**

"Don't worry, I won't be making any _E.T._ jokes when I get to review _Psycho IV_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we see that it's been 22 years after the events of the first film. We see that Norman Bates, played by Anthony Perkins, is being released. But not everyone is happy about his release, people like…**

 _ **Lila Loomis (Played by Vera Miles): What about his victims? Don't they have any say? Can you restore them?**_

"Ugh, people like her." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lila Crane, I mean Lila Loomis, once again played by Vera Miles, speaks out in the courtroom and ordering the judge not to release Norman Bates out on the streets and she has a petition.**

 _ **Lila Loomis: Doesn't that give me the right to speak out?**_

 _ **Judge: Has the District Attorney advised Mrs. Loomis about her rights in this matter?**_

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: (as the District Attorney Yes, your honor. I explained to the crazy old lady that her petition don't mean jack shit and she can stick that petition up where the sun don't shine.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Lila Loomis: Why are you people just sitting here? Don't you realize they're going to release a homicidal maniac?**_

"Oh, God. Can somebody please hold her in contempt of court, please?" Sean pleaded.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the judge tells Lila Loomis "Fuck your petition, we're letting him loose.", and Norman is released.**

 _ **Lila Loomis: Are you satisfied, Doctor? Turning a murderer loose on an innocent public?**_

 _ **Dr. Bill Raymond (Played by the late Robert Loggia): Mrs. Loomis, Norman was not convicted of murder. He was found "not guilty" by reason of insanity.**_

"Norman was found "not guilty" by reason of insanity? You know, back then you can get away with something like that but now there's no way in hell that you can get away with that shit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Norman's released, his psychiatrist Dr. Bill Raymond, played by the late Robert Loggia, and for some reason they let him go back to the place where the murders started. You think that's a good idea? You don't do that. It's like putting Ed Gein back to the farm, and yet they're fine with it?**

"That's just dumb." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As he returns home, Norman finds that the motel is run under new management and trust me we'll get to the guy in a few moments. But anyway, let's get back to Norman. He returns to his house and as he tries to settle in, it triggered some old memories back to his childhood, like the time he poisoned his mother.**

 _ **Mrs. Bates: Norman.**_

 **(Norman turns to the door and gasps)**

 _ **Mrs. Bates: Norman, what did you put in my tea?**_

 **(The cup shatters)**

 _ **Mrs. Bates: (Gagging) I'm gonna get you for this, Norman. I'm gonna show you what happens to bad little boys who poison their mothers. I'm going to kill you!**_

 **(The door opens and we see a hand on the floor and the door closes)**

"Yeah, not a bright idea." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see that Norman is starting his new job at a nearby diner, where he meets a nice old lady named Emma Spool, played by the late Claudia Bryar.**

 _ **Emma Spool (Played by the late Claudia Bryar): I'm the one who urged Mr. Statler to give you the job. I think it's very Christian to forgive and forget, don't you?**_

 _ **Norman Bates: I sure do.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the diner's waitress named Myrna, played by Lee Garlington and the cook named Ralph Statler, played by the late Robert Alan Browne.**

 _ **Mary Samuels (Played by Meg Tilly): (On the phone with her boyfriend) Scott, we have to talk about it sometime.**_

 _ **Ralph Statler (Played by the late Robert Alan Browne): Step on it, would you, girl? You're being paid to wait on tables, not gab on the phone.**_

"Come on, there's a guy out there waiting for his Frisco melt and fries and you're busy talking on the phone with your boyfriend. Save the dirty talking for later and deliver this man's food." Sean said, imitating Ralph Statler.

"Yo, I asked for a salmon sandwich, fries and a beer. Me!" Brian yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman, then meets this waitress named Mary Samuels, played by Meg Tilly. Who you might recognize her as the sister of Jennifer Tilly. And we see that Mary has been having some boyfriend troubles.**

 _ **Mary Samuels: I've been living with my boyfriend for over a year. And all of a sudden, he tells me we're through. And then I just phoned him to ask him why and he wouldn't tell me. All he'd say is that I couldn't come back to our apartment.**_

"Well, could it occur to you that your boyfriend is sleeping with another woman? That's why he kicked you out of the apartment." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman then offers Mary a place to stay and asks her to stay at his motel, and she does. As Norman and Mary arrive at the motel, we see that things are not running a tight ship here and Norman meets the new manager of Bates Motel named Mr. Toomey.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Stephen King's The Langoliers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Craig Toomey (Played by Bronson Pinchot): Scaring the little girl?!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Mr. Toomey. I'm talking about Warren Toomey, the new manager of Bates Motel. He's played by Dennis Franz from** _ **NYPD Blue**_ **. Norman meets Warren Toomey and he doesn't like how he's running the motel.**

 _ **Norman Bates: What kind of a motel are you running here?**_

 _ **Warren Toomey (Played by Dennis Franz): (Sighing) The kind that makes money. People come here to party. They stay a few hours and then they leave. (Scoffs) What more can you ask from a motel so far from the beaten track, huh?**_

"Boy, how sleazy could this guy get?" Sean asked. "Man, just watching this guy makes me feel so dirty. I need to take a shower."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Norman fires Mr. Toomey…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Stephen King's The Langoliers**_ **is shown again)**

 _ **Craig Toomey: I have an important business meeting in Boston this morning at 9 o'clock!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong guy! He fires the sleazebag and after he fires him, Mr. Toomey does what any reasonable person does, taunting Norman Bates.**

 _ **Warren Toomey: At least my customers have a good time. What'd yours get, Bates, huh? Dead, that's what they got! Dead! Murdered by you, you loony!**_

"Dude, are you nuts?! Don't taunt the guy! He was in the nuthouse for 22 years. You don't want to end up dead like the seven people he killed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman heads to his house and finds Mary waiting for him. She calls her ex-boyfriend and she learns that he's already moved another woman in with him. Called it! Then, Norman offers Mary a sandwich and she finds a knife in the drawer, handing it to Norman. Oh, come on! Don't give any sharp objects to a guy who would use a sharp object on you.**

"It's like handing Batman a gun and he doesn't even like guns. You just don't do it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Norman is at work chopping some lettuce for Mr. Statler, and guess who arrives at the diner? It's Mr. Sleaze himself Mr. Toomey.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Langoliers**_ **is shown again)**

 _ **Craig Toomey: You're one of them too, aren't you? A Langolier?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Again, wrong guy! We see that Warren Toomey enters the diner and then he proceeds to fuck with Norman.**

 _ **Warren Toomey: (On Norman) Yeah, well, I hope he washes dishes better than he runs a motel.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Norman Bates) This coming from a guy that allows drugs and sex at my motel. No if's, and's or but's but you're gonna die.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then he proceeds to be rude to Mary and he keeps harassing her about Norman.**

 _ **Warren Toomey: I'd like some of what Norman got last night./ What was it like?**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: What's what like?**_

 _ **Warren Toomey: Screwin' a psycho? (Snickering)**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Would you mind removing your foot?**_

 _ **Warren Toomey: Hey, I suppose you didn't spend last night alone with him in that house, huh? You got strange tastes in men, honey.**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Just because two people sleep under the same roof doesn't necessarily mean they've made love.**_

 _ **Warren Toomey: (Scoffing) Since when, huh? Or are you the kind that doesn't, uh, kiss and tell?**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: You really want to know what Norman's like?**_

 _ **Warren Toomey: Yeah.**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Better than you'll ever be, fat boy.**_

"Ugh, can somebody kill this guy, please?" Sean pleaded while rubbing his temple.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Norman's life into society appears to be going well, but all that's going to change when Norman gets a note… A note from beyond the grave… A note from "Mother".**

 **(Norman picks up the note from "Mother" that says, "Don't let that little whore in my house again! Love, Mother". Norman runs out of the kitchen after reading the note)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Cut it out, Toomey!**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Norman?**_

 _ **Warren Toomey: Are you talkin' to me, whacko? Come on. Come on! Huh?**_

 **Sean: (V/O as mother) Come on, Jimmy. Let's go home.**

 **Brian: (V/O as son) But mom, I almost got the high score on Ms. Pac-Man….**

 **Sean: (V/O as mother) Fuck your high score! We're leaving!**

 **(Norman looks over at the counter and looks at the knife, then looks at Toomey)**

 _ **Warren Toomey: Oh. Oh, that's… That's beautiful. Go on, psycho, pick it up. Come on, pick it up! What's the matter, you lose your nerve, huh? Or do you only attack women, huh? Go on, pick it up! Show us what you're really like. Come… Come on, loony.**_

"What are ya, a serial killer? I'll fight ya. Anytime, anywhere. What are you gonna do, kill me?" Sean asked, imitating Warren Toomey.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the drunk Toomey leaves, Norman tells Statler that there was a note that Toomey left on the wheel, but the note is gone and nobody believes him.**

 _ **Norman Bates: I'm telling you, it was right there.**_

 _ **Ralph Statler: Sure it was.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: Don't humor me. I'm telling you there was a note on that wheel from my dead mother.**_

 **(A cuckoo noise is heard in the background)**

Sean scoffs and rolled his eyes. "Right. If your dead mother sent you that note, then I'm Tommi Rose from _I Am Frankie_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Norman is at home enjoying a nice peanut butter sandwich and tea until Mary arrives to stay at his house because her friend's boyfriend is sleeping over. And she gives him some fudge as a gift. Mmm, fudge.**

 _ **Norman Bates: Did you… Did you have dinner yet?**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Yes. And I'm exhausted. I'm going to be right after I take a shower. If that's all right with you.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: Oh, oh, sure.**_

"Oh, go ahead. Take a shower. You had a long, exhausting day and you deserve to relax. It's not like a case of voyeuristic tendencies is gonna come creeping up Norman's ass." Sean chuckled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, voyeuristic tendencies came creeping up Norman's ass when he starts acting like a peeping tom just to see Mary naked. Dude, there's a little thing called the Internet and there's a site called Brazzers if you want to see hot chicks naked and use them for your wanking material. Anyway, Mary feels like that she's being watched, so she checks downstairs and finds Norman playing on the piano.**

"Hmm, well I guess Norman is not up to his old tricks. Looks like there's hope for this guy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Norman finds an unexpected visitor at the motel honking their car horn, turns out it's that drunk sleazebag Mr. Toomey…**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Langoliers**_ **is shown once more)**

 _ **Craig Toomey: (Gets up after Albert hits him in the head with the toaster) I'M GOING TO BOSTON! I'M GOING TO BOSTON!**_

"Knock it off!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see the drunk sleazebag, the unemployed Warren Toomey has returned to taunt Norman some more and move out of the motel, then this happens to Mr. Toomey when a figure in a black dress appears.**

 **(Toomey looks up and sees a figure in a black dress standing in the room with a knife. The killer slashes Toomey in the face and stabs him to death)**

"Dang, Dennis Franz took like 50 bullets from Detective Bullock in the pilot episode of _NYPD Blue_ and he's still standing. In this one, he gets slashed in the face and stabbed to death. Boy, he sure did go out like a little bitch." Sean chuckled.

 **(A clip from** _ **NYPD Blue**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Det. Andy Sipowicz (Played by Dennis Franz): Ipsa this, you pissy little bitch!**_

"Note to self, never piss off Dennis Franz." Sean said, with a scared look on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Norman is renovating the motel and his doctor arrives to talk to him about what's been going on at his job.**

 _ **Dr. Bill Raymond: I got a call from Mr. Statler. He said you quit your job at the diner.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: Yeah. Well, I just figured I could make more money with the motel. You know, once I get… Once I get it back into condition that is.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, do you think that it's a good idea for you to start renovating the motel and re-opening it after what happened 22 years ago? Don't you think that some shit might happen again?**

"I'm not okay with this. In fact, let me ask Robert Loggia if that's okay. Is that okay, Robert Loggia?" Sean asked as he looks away from the camera.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Family Guy**_ **episode** _ **Brothers and Sisters**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Robert Loggia: Not okay!**_

"Thank you. See? Even in spirit, Robert Loggia agrees with me." Sean said.

"Ugh, doesn't Norman know he's playing into someone's trap?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Mary and Dr. Raymond left, Norman is left alone as he continues to renovate the motel, until he hears a noise coming from his mother's room and sees someone standing in his mother's room.**

 **(Norman sees someone in his mother's room)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Norman) Mother? Mother, is that you? It has to be you.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Norman enters the house and goes to his mother's room, only to find it exactly as it was 22 years ago. Then he finds another note from "Mother" and hears a noise in the attic, only to find himself locked in. And while all that's going on, we find two teenagers named Kim and Josh. Kim is played by Jill Carroll from the 1988 horror film** _ **The Unholy**_ **and Josh is played by Tim Maier… who I've never heard of before. We see that Josh and Kim are sneaking in the Bates house through the cellar window doing what teens do.**

"Okay, with this being the 1980s and the slasher film craze is going with Friday the 13th and Halloween. With the original being a psychological thriller from Hitchcock, this one is more slasher horror. We have some of the traits of the slasher film. We have two teenagers." Sean said.

 **(We see Josh and Kim sneaking in through the cellar window. And a check symbol is shown)**

"We got that. Let's see here: teens smoking pot?" Sean asked.

 **(We see Josh lighting up a joint and another check symbol is shown)**

"Okay, that's two. Now all that's left is that they're two horny teenagers having sex and we have the perfect slasher film." Sean said.

 **(Josh and Kim start making out. We see Josh unbuttoning Kim's shirt, then he slips his hand inside her blouse and touches her breast. Three check symbols is shown and a ringing noise and the sound of the alarm blaring is heard)**

"We have breast touching! He's touching titties! That counts! We got a perfect slasher film. Review's over. 5 out of 5. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you next time for _Halloween Havoc_." Sean said as he leaves the room before the credits roll and Jerry Goldsmith's music score from _Psycho II_ starts playing.

 **(Record scratches)**

Sean immediately returns to his seat and sits back down before continuing the review. "No! I'm not gonna do that to you. We've still got a lot of film left."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Josh and Kim's private time is interrupted when they hear a noise coming from the other room. They go to check it out, only to see a female figure pacing in the room. They try to escape but they end up making some noise as the figure checks it out and she's armed with a knife. Kim escapes but Josh is not too lucky.**

 **(The female figure stabs Josh to death as Kim escapes)**

 **Sean: (V/O in a female voice) Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stabbing you.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Mary finds Norman in the attic and he tells her that somebody locked him in, thinking that it's someone pretending to be his mother. So, he takes her to his mother's bedroom, only to see that it's back to it's state of disuse.**

 _ **Norman Bates: (Stammering) It was all fixed up. It wasn't like this. The… The note. This… The dresses are… (Checks the closet)**_

"Yeah, how long until Norman goes back to the nuthouse?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Norman is about to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, the sheriff and the deputy arrive to speak to Norman. Sheriff Hunt, played by the late Hugh Gillin and Deputy Poole played by Chris Hendrie, speak to Norman about the girl's boyfriend who was murdered in the cellar.**

 _ **Norman Bates: (Stammering) Well, what… what were they doing in the cellar, anyway?**_

 _ **Sheriff Hunt (Played by the late Hugh Gillin): Oh, what kids do today, I guess. Smoking dope, messin' around.**_

"That's what teenagers still do today!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sheriff Hunt continues to question Norman and Mary about their whereabouts when the boy was murdered and Mary lies to the sheriff telling him that her and Norman were out walking together even though Norman was locked in the attic at that time.**

 _ **Norman Bates: Why did you do that?**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Do what?**_

 _ **Norman Bates: Lie to the Sheriff. You weren't with me this afternoon.**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: I had to do something. He was going to arrest you.**_

 **(Norman sighs and sits down in a chair)**

 _ **Mary Samuels: Norman.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: It's starting again.**_

"Wasn't that the tagline for the movie?" Sean asked before the clip from the trailer is shown.

 **(The trailer for** _ **Psycho II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: Psycho II.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: It's starting again.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Sheriff's office, Lila goes to speak to Sheriff Hunt to warn him about Norman and she suspects that he's the one that murdered the boy.**

 _ **Lila Loomis: It's all over town what he did to that boy.**_

 _ **Sheriff Hunt: Mrs. Loomis, I can't arrest a man without proof. Especially one with an alibi.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Wait, wait, wait.**

"Hold it. I neglected to mention some vital information about Lila Loomis nee Crane. Remember Sam Loomis from the first film? The guy who was dating Marion Crane. Well, apparently she married Sam Loomis. So, your sister gets stabbed to death by some guy with a mommy complex dressed in drag and you sleep with her boyfriend and marry him?" Sean asked, then starts to applaud. "Bravo! Bravo, lady. You have class. You marry your dead sister's boyfriend. It's just like saying that my best friend's brother died and him and his sister-in-law get together and they get married. No, you don't do that. That's not okay. Is that okay with you, Robert Loggia?"

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Robert Loggia: Not okay!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, back at the motel. We see that Mary is looking for some brandy in the motel while Norman is about to have a mental breakdown. She enters the motel only to come across…**

 **(Mary turns on the light, only to be surprised by Lila)**

 _ **Lila Loomis: Why did you lie to the Sheriff and say Bates was with you this afternoon?**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Mother.**_

Sean was busy sipping on a bottle of Mike's Hard Black Cherry Lemonade, then he starts doing a spit take after finding out that Mary is the daughter of Lila Loomis. "What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no. There's no way that Mary is related to that crazy old, dead sister's boyfriend marrying, big-mouthed lady. It can't be. I did not hear her call her "Mother". I'm going to keep sipping my Mike's Hard Lemonade and forget about it.

Sean takes a sip of his hard black cherry lemonade some more.

 _ **Lila Loomis: Why did you lie to the Sheriff and say Bates was with you this afternoon?**_

 _ **Mary Samuels: Mother.**_

Sean does another spit take after Mary calls Lila "Mother".

"Holy shit! She did! She called her "Mother"! She's related to her!" Sean yelled while pointing at the camera. "Vera Miles, you've lost your mind!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Mary Samuels is Mary Loomis, the daughter of Lila and Sam Loomis. Turns out they're working together to drive Norman off the deep end and send him back into the nuthouse. They were the ones who have been making phone calls and sending notes to Norman. Hell, even Mary posed at the window dressed as Norman's mother, making him thinking that his mother is still alive. But because of Mary's growing friendship with Norman, she is convinced that Norman is no longer capable of killing. But her mother is not convinced and that he's back to his old ways.**

 _ **Mary Loomis: Mother, he's innocent.**_

 _ **Lila Loomis: Innocent? He killed your aunt, didn't he? Not to mention the six other people.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: Mother, that was 22 years ago.**_

 _ **Lila Loomis: Mary, people don't change.**_

"Unlike you." Sean scoffed. "And another thing, how the hell did they find out what his mother looked like, her handwriting and all?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the house, Norman is getting cleaned up in the bathroom and he's having a little trouble with a clogged toilet. Well, maybe flushing it would help…**

 **(Norman flushes the toilet as it starts overflowing with blood, then we see blood oozing from the drain of the bathtub)**

"Jesus! Talk about bad plumbing. Either that or the house is haunted." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nope, it was just a bloody rag that Norman and Mary found in the toilet and Norman is horrified, only to believe that he killed the boy in the cellar but Mary says that he's innocent. As she sends Norman downstairs to fix themselves something to drink, Mary feels like that someone is watching her.**

 **(Mary looks through the hole in Norma's room while Rockwell's** _ **Somebody's Watching Me**_ **starts playing, until we see an eye peeking at Mary and she starts screaming. Norman runs upstairs as Mary continues to scream)**

"Well, she does have that horror movie scream like her Aunt Marian." Sean said, chuckling a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thinking that there's somebody in the house with them, Norman and Mary stay in the same room. Later that night, Norman and Mary are trapped in the room, Mary wakes up only to see Norman standing by her bedside with a knife and Norman starts to lose his mind.**

 _ **Norman Bates: (While looking out the window) Mary.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: Yes.**_

 **Norman Bates: I'm becoming confused again, aren't I?**

 **Mary Loomis: Of course not.**

 **(Norman turns to Mary and threatens to kill her)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Don't lie to me. Not you.**_

Sean starts laughing. "I'm sorry but that was just over the top. I mean, every time I watch this scene, I start laughing at how over the top Anthony Perkins gets in this scene."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it doesn't end there because it gets funnier and this is the whole scene and I hope I can keep this together. I hope people can keep this together when I mention this scene because it wasn't in the script. Anthony Perkins felt that his character and Mary needed some kind of intimate moment together so he has this written specifically for that moment. After Norman goes psycho on Mary, Norman fears that they might take him away again and then.**

"Just… just watch. I'm gonna try and not laugh my head off from that scene. Play it." Sean said, taking a deep breath.

 _ **Mary Loomis: (Starts acting motherly to Norman and holds him) Don't worry, Norman. I won't.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: You smell good.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: I do?**_

 **(Sean stifles a laugh)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Yeah.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: What do I smell like?**_

 _ **Norman Bates: You smell like, like the toasted cheese sandwiches…**_

 **(Sean struggles not to laugh)**

 _ **Mary Loomis: What?**_

 _ **Norman Bates: …that my mother used to bring me when I was in bed with a temperature. She used to do lots of nice things for me before she went… Before she became…**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: Shh. Just remember the good things she did for you. Only the good things.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: I can't. They're not there anymore.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: Of course they're there.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: No, the doctors took them all away. Along with everything else. Except, except those sandwiches.**_

We cut to Sean, who's now breaking down laughing from watching the scene.

"Oh, God bless Anthony Perkins. He just hams it in that scene. Except those sandwiches." Sean breaks down laughing again. "I'm sorry. Those sandwiches."

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **plays)**

 _ **Robert Loggia: Eight fucking hours later.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Dr. Raymond comes to visit Norman and gives him some info on Mary and telling her that Mary is the daughter of Lila Loomis and that they're the ones that were leaving the notes and making the phone calls. And it looks like Norman needs to snap back into reality because Norman is telling him that he saw his mother. Back with Mary, we see her confronting Lila to tell her to stop calling Norman. You know, I think their plan is gonna backfire. Oh, and Dr. Raymond has the body of Norma Bates exhumed to prove to Norman that his mother is dead and that she's never coming back to life. Then, Norman confronts Mary with what Dr. Raymond told him. And the phone rings as Norman gets a phone call from his Mother. Oh, for Christ's sake, it's not your mother! How many times are they going to tell you that it's not your mother?**

"Can somebody please send him to the nuthouse?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it gets crazier when Norman claims that he's been getting calls from his real mother.**

"Trust me, it's an even longer story at the end. It's difficult for me to believe something like this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dr. Raymond follows Lila to the Bates Motel and tracks her down at the house so she can continue her plan to drive Norman insane by heading down to the basement to pick up her "Mother" costume and then we get one of the most satisfying deaths ever.**

 **(While retrieving her "Mother" outfit, Lila turns around and looks up, only to see a shadowy figure armed with a knife walking towards her)**

 **(A clip from Alfred Hitchcock's** _ **Psycho**_ **is shown. The scene where Lila finds the body of Norma Bates and she starts screaming is shown. We cut back to** _ **Psycho II**_ **as Lila screams. The figure murders Lila by plunging the knife into her mouth. We see the tip of the blade going through her skull and comes out the back of her head)**

"Well, I guess Lila Loomis… have said a mouthful." Sean said, putting on his sunglasses as he imitates David Caruso from _CSI: Miami_.

 **(The theme from** _ **CSI: Miami**_ **and part of the show's opening starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that satisfying yet gruesome demise of Vera Miles' character, we see that the police are at the swamp and they find a car with Toomey's corpse inside. Then, Mary runs to tell Norman that they found a car and convince him to flee. And then, we see that Norman has finally lost it when he starts speaking to "Mother".**

 _ **Norman Bates: No, Mother. Mary's still here with me. I like her. No. No, of course not. Not as much as you. No, I… I won't do that. You can't make me kill her.**_

"Well, somehow Lila's plan worked. Norman is going crazy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While hearing Norman talking to "Mother" about whether or not he should kill her, Mary heads down to the cellar to put on the Mother costume to get Norman off of the phone. But that fails miserably when Lila and Mary's plan backfires.**

 _ **Dr. Bill Raymond: (Grabs Mary from behind) Gotcha.**_

 **(Mary screams and stabs Dr. Raymond in the heart. He falls over the banister to his death. The knife plunges deeper into Dr. Raymond's chest after the handle of the knife makes contact with the banister)**

"Aw, shit! All that Robert Loggia wanted to do was to tell Mary about Minute Maid orange tangerine juice with calcium. Babe, that was not okay!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Mary freaks out and kills the wrong guy, Norman sees Mary dressed as "Mother" right when his sanity snaps.**

 _ **Norman Bates: And I'll cover up for you. Now give me the knife.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: Stay away.**_

 **(She stabs Norman's hand)**

 _ **Norman Bates: I always have, because I'm your dutiful son.**_

 _ **Mary Loomis: Stay away.**_

 **(She stabs Norman's other hand)**

 _ **Norman Bates: And you're my loving mother. So, please give me the knife.**_

 **(Norman grabs the blade as Mary pulls it away, wounding him some more.**

 _ **Norman Bates: It's time to go to the fruit cellar now, Mother.**_

"Okay, I don't know which one is psycho: either Norman or Mary. I mean, look at her. She's trying to kill Norman with a knife after she murdered his doctor while she was dressed as his mother." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the two of them in the fruit cellars, Norman knocks over some charcoal and he comes across Lila's corpse. Then Mary tells Norman that he killed them all and she tries to kill him, but not until the cops shot her. So, yeah. Lila and Mary's plan fucking sucked. Anyway, Norman survives. Mary and Lila are dead and Norman has regained his sanity.**

"Well, I guess that's all for _Psycho II_. Now, here's what I think of…." Sean said.

 **(A shadowy figure walks up to the Bates house)**

"Oh, crap. I hope I'm not losing it but it looks like that Norman's mother is still alive." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually it's the sweet old lady Emma Spool, the co-owner of Statler's Diner. She comes by to visit Norman to check on him to see how he's doing and then she drops a little bombshell about Norman's real mother.**

 _ **Norman Bates: So, are you really my mother?**_

 _ **Emma Spool: The name Spool doesn't mean anything to you?**_

 _ **Norman Bates: No. Should it?**_

 _ **Emma Spool: It was Norma Bates' maiden name. The woman you thought was your mother was my sister. I had you when I was very young out of wedlock. I couldn't handle a brand-new baby, especially, uh, being by myself. I… I had some trouble and the State put me away for a while.**_

"Okay, wait a minute. So, Norma Bates a.k.a. Norma Spool, the sister of Emma Spool, is not Norman's real mother and this sweet old lady Emma Spool is Norman's real mother and she had him out of wedlock and the State put her in the nuthouse. And get this, Emma Spool was the one who committed those murders to anyone who would harm her son." Sean said before taking a deep breath. "Uh, did I stumble onto soap opera plot territory here? Is this some kind of rushed plot twist here? Look, the original Psycho had the greatest plot twist ever. In this one, it's like what the hell were they thinking."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after Emma Spool reveals to Norman that she's his real mother. Ugh, I'm glad they scrapped that one in** _ **Psycho IV: The Beginning**_ **. Well, looks like Norman took the news pretty….**

 **(Norman picks up the shovel and strikes Emma in the head with it, killing her)**

Sean starts breaking down in laughter. "Oh, my God! That's one of the most hilarious death scenes I've ever seen in the movie. First, we have Vera Miles' gruesome yet satisfying death scene and now we have this sweet old lady getting bashed in the head with a fucking shovel by Norman Bates and when he hit her, the chair breaks and he starts whistling. If only, I can make this more hilariously inappropriate. I got it."

 **(Norman hits Emma in the head with the shovel to the tune of the** _ **Super Mario Bros.**_ **theme)**

"Oh, man. I'm going to Hell." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman pretends that Emma Spool is Norma Bates and carries her to Mother's room and we see that he's back to his old tricks once more.**

 _ **Mother's Voice: I'm not sleepy. Put me in my chair.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: Yes, Mother.**_

 _ **Mother's Voice: And now, turn me to the window. I want to keep my eyes on you. Make sure you don't start playing with filthy girls again.**_

"And I don't want you on your laptop looking at those filthy sluts on that Brazzers site." Sean said, imitating Mother.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the motel back in business, the film ends with one of the most all-time concluding shots that's poster worthy. The image of Norman Bates observing his surroundings while 'Mother' is seen looking down from her bedroom window with a dark cloud rolling by in the sky complimented with Jerry Goldsmith's eerie music score. A classic image that will be used on VHS covers, DVD and Blu-Ray covers. Roll credits, the end.**

"And that was _Psycho II_ and I enjoyed it." Sean said.

 **(Footage from the film is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I like the original film, I find it to better than the original. Although, there was a sequel to the book called** _ **Psycho II**_ **by Robert Bloch before the script for this one was made. It was pretty confusing. The movie does an excellent job delivering shocking thrills and a great storyline. The cinematography was pretty good. I would just like to note that Dean Cundey, the movie's cinematographer who worked on a few of John Carpenter's films like** _ **Halloween**_ **,** _ **Escape from New York**_ **,** _ **Halloween II**_ **,** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **, the** _ **Back to the Future trilogy**_ **and** _ **Who Framed Roger Rabbit?,**_ **did a great job on this film. Now, let's talk about the acting. The late Anthony Perkins is amazing as always as Norman Bates. Originally, he had no intention of doing a sequel and believe it or not, originally Christopher Walken was supposed to play Norman Bates but eventually Anthony Perkins returned and thank god he did. The supporting characters are also memorable as well. Meg Tilly has a great chemistry with Perkins and Vera Miles' performance was good even though I don't like with what they did to her character. And let's talk about Jerry Goldsmith's music score, it's amazing as always. It's haunting, dramatic and suspenseful and probably one of my favorites from Goldsmith, when you get a chance give it a listen. Yeah, it's one of the best sequels ever and when you come across this little gem, give it a watch. And yes, there's** _ **Psycho III**_ **and** _ **Psycho IV: The Beginning**_ **. But I'll talk about them later. That's why I'm giving** _ **Psycho II**_ **4 knives out of 5.**

"Well, that's one film down and a few others to go. And _Halloween Havoc_ is still on the way. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before getting up from off of his chair and leaves the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline – It's starting again.**

 **And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Psycho II**_ **. I hope that you all like my review of the movie. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Halloween Havoc continues when Sean takes a look at the 1984 supernatural comedy** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add this to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	38. Episode Thirty-Four: Ghostbusters '84

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and welcome back to another installment of Halloween Havoc. Today, Sean takes a look at one of the greatest 80's comedies from when he was a kid,** _ **GHOSTBUSTERS**_ **! So sit back, relax, grab a cold Dr. Pepper and a bag of Doritos, here's** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **. The 1984 version not the 2016 version. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **is owned by Columbia Pictures and Sony.**

 **Episode Thirty-Four**

 **Ghostbusters (1984)**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **intro plays to the parody of the intro to Rod Serling's** _ **Night Gallery**_ **)**

We open with Sean a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room, this time instead of a Halloween-themed shirt, he is wearing his denim button down shirt.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to another installment of _Halloween Havoc_." Sean said before doing a sinister laugh while the sound of a creepy organ plays in the background and thunder strikes. After he stops laughing, he begins to unbutton his shirt. "You know, I was going over the list of movies for Halloween Havoc and I found the next one on my list that I'm going to review and of course I'm talking about…"

Sean opens his shirt, revealing a white t-shirt with a picture of the Ghostbusters on it.

" _GHOSTBUSTERS_!" Sean shouted.

 **(Ray Parker Jr.'s** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **starts playing and footage from the film are shown as well)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Fuck yeah!** _ **Ghosbusters**_ **, one of the greatest, most beloved and most iconic films of all time. It was one of my favorite films from my childhood and it still is till this day. Hell, me and my friend Geoffrey talk about the film and we tend to quote the film. That's how much we both love Ghostbusters. Released in theaters on June 8, 1984. Ah, 1984. A good year for movies and television that came out like** _ **Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom**_ **,** _ **Gremlins,**_ _ **Beverly Hills Cop**_ **,** _ **Amadeus**_ **,** _ **The Terminator**_ **,** _ **Star Trek III: The Search for Spock**_ **,** _ **Romancing the Stone**_ **,** _ **Police Academy**_ **,** _ **The Last Starfighter**_ **,** _ **Purple Rain**_ **,** _ **Sixteen Candles**_ **and** _ **The Neverending Story**_ **. Then, there are TV shows like** _ **Night Court**_ **,** _ **Miami Vice**_ **,** _ **Hunter**_ **,** _ **Murder, She Wrote**_ **,** _ **Airwolf**_ **,** _ **Charles in Charge**_ **,** _ **Who's the Boss?,**_ _ **Kate & Allie**_ **and….**

 **(A picture of the cast of** _ **The Cosby Show**_ **in season one is shown as well as a picture of Bill Cosby)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uhhhhh, yeah. That show too. Let's not talk about you-know-who and let's talk about** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **. The film was produced and directed by Ivan Reitman, one of my favorite directors of all time, who's known for working on** _ **National Lampoon's Animal House**_ **,** _ **Stripes**_ **,** _ **Legal Eagles**_ **,** _ **Twins**_ **,** _ **Kindergarten Cop**_ **,** _ **Beethoven, Beethoven's 2nd**_ **,** _ **Dave, Junior**_ **,** _ **Father's Day, Six Days Seven Nights**_ **and** _ **My Super Ex-Girlfriend**_ **. The film was also written by Dan Aykroyd and the late Harold Ramis. The film's concept was inspired by Aykroyd and his facination with the supernatural and he conceived it as a vehicle for himself and fellow Saturday Night Live member John Belushi. The film stars Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, Annie Potts, William Atherton and Ernie Hudson.**

"Now, before we begin this review, let me just point out that I do not hate this film. I freaking love it. So before you butcher me in the comments section let me make it perfectly clear, _Ghostbusters '84_ is a fantastic movie. However, the film is 34-years-old and there are some scenes that would look a little off to a 26-year-old film buff like myself. Okay? Are we good? Got it?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **A Few Good Men**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Played by Tom Cruise): Crystal.**_

"Good. Now that I got that out of the way, let's take a look at _Ghostbusters_." Sean said.

 **(The Columbia Pictures logo from 1981 is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so we have our classic Columbia Pictures logo from the 1980s. Ah, you know, this is my favorite logo to look at and as a kid who grew up in the…**

 **(The torch shines into a bright abstract shape right when Sean yells)**

We see a bright light in Sean's living room while Sean covers his eyes.

"God, it's too bright! Yo, Torch Lady! Dim the light, you could blind somebody! Jesus!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We open with a shot of the New York Public Library and we see a librarian, played by the late Alice Drummond who you might recogize her as Ross and Monica's grandmother who dies twice in the** _ **Friends**_ **episode** _ **The One Where Nana Dies Twice.**_ **We see her just doing her job and she gets haunted by the basic horror clichés.**

 **(The librarian screams and runs until she comes across a ghost and screams. We then get the title of the film and the song plays)**

"We get the most kick-ass and catchiest theme song ever." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome opening, we're introduced to one of the main characters named Dr. Peter Venkman, played by Bill Murray. We see Venkman conducting an experiment with two of his students, played by Steven Tash and Jennifer Runyon.**

"Jennifer Runyon? She played Gwendolyn Pierce on Charles in Charge. Does she happen to be related to my friend Brian? Maybe she's just his cousin or something. I don't know." Sean said.

"Dude, I've got a cousin Amanda, no Jennifer though." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Venkman is conducting an experiment on ESP ability to see what they think what's on the card. If they get it wrong, then he gives one of them the electric shock.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): (While holding up a card) Think hard. What is it?**_

 _ **Male Student (Played by Steven Tash): Circle.**_

 **(Venkman flips the card over, revealing a square)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Close. But definitely wrong.**_

 **(He gives the male student an electric shock)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Holds another card up) What is it?**_

 _ **Female Student (Played by Jennifer Runyon): Figure eight.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Incredible.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, wait a minute. That's not a figure eight, that's a plus sign on the card. Shouldn't you give the hot college chick the electric shock?**

"I guess not because he's practically boinking her. He just wants to give that guy some electric shocks because he loves it." Sean said.

 **(A voice clip of the naked crackhead getting tazed from Tru TV's** _ **World's Dumbest Criminals**_ **plays while the male student is receiving electric shocks from Venkman)**

 _ **Crackhead: (V/O) I love it. I love it. I love it.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Criminals**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Daniel Baldwin: I love it. I love it. I love it. You see? There are some cats who are into this s***.**_

 **(Venkman gives the male student another electric shock)**

 **** _ **Male Student: (Yells) I'm getting a little tired of this!**_

"You see, there are some cats who are not into this shit." Sean said. "I wonder how it would leave an effect on him."

 _ **Male Student: The effect? I'll tell you what the effect is. It's pissing me off!**_

"Point taken, my friend." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Peter pisses off that guy with the afro and tries to hit on adult Cindy Brady from** _ **A Very Brady Christmas**_ **, we're also introduced to Peter's colleague Dr. Raymond Stanz, played by Dan Aykroyd and him and Venkman head down to the library to meet with the brain of the group Dr. Egon Spengler, played by the late Harold Ramis, and they question the librarian of the paranormal activity that she witnessed.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I'm gonna ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any member of your family ever been diagnosed schizophrenic, mentally incompetent?**_

 _ **Librarian (Played by the late Alice Drummond): My uncle thought he was St. Jerome.**_

"Hey, I have an uncle from Pontiac, Michigan who tells people that he works for the CIA. Which he doesn't because his drunk fat ass went AWOL in the Navy a few years ago." Sean said.

 _ **Dana Barrett (Played by Sigourney Weaver): Oh, good. That makes me feel so much better.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating): Venkman, Stanz and Spengler head down to investigate and they come across symmetrical book stacking and…**

 **(We see the words "SLIME!" in big bold lettering and the alarm blares)**

"Slime! We have slime! Man, _American Housewife_ was right, slime makes everything better! Okay, if I had a bottle of Smirnoff right now, I'd so be playing the _Ghostbusters_ drinking game." Sean said with a big smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The three continue their investigation and they come across the library ghost a.k.a. the Gray Lady . Eleanor Twitty, played by the late Ruth Oliver.**

"And how do I know that her real name is Eleanor Twitty and why she is known as the Gray Lady? Just play the _Ghostbusters_ video game from 2009." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They come across the Gray Lady and they try to capture her but it doesn't go as plan.**

 **(Venkman, Stanz and Spengler try to capture the Gray Lady)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz (Played by Dan Aykroyd): Now, stay close. Stay close. I know. Do exactly as I say. Get ready. Ready? Get her!**_

 **(The Gray Lady scares them off and they start screaming and running out of the building)**

"I think the Gray Lady was showing them what's going to happen in the future." Sean said.

 **(The Gray Lady is covered by a poster of the Ghostbusters 2016 reboot, then we cut to the three of our heroes screaming and running)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After unsuccessfully trying to catch the library ghost, our three parapsychologists return to campus and the Dean of Columbia University named Dean Yeager, played by Jordan Charney, tells them that they're getting fired because the university will no longer continue any funding for their activities.**

 _ **Dean Yeager (Played by Jordan Charney): Dr. Venkman, we believe the purpose of science is to serve mankind. You, however, seem to regard science as some kind of dodge or hustle. Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe. Your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable. You are a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman.**_

"Geez, who pissed in this guy's Wheaties? No need to be a dick. In fact, this dude played a dickish toy magnate in a Christmas episode of _Night Court_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting fired from their jobs, Venkman, Stanz and Spengler take matters into their own hands and they go into business for themselves. And to start their ghost busting business, they purchase an old firehouse for their headquarters.**

"Hmm, looks a little pricey. But it'll be really cool. What do you think, Egon?" Sean asked after looking away from the camera.

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by the late Harold Ramis): I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members. The wiring is substandard. It's completely inadequate for our power needs. And the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.**_

"Hey, at least the gangs are using silencers." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, when Ray slides down the pole, pause, he becomes giddy and wants to move in and they buy the building, they get a 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor Ambulance that needs to be worked on and a secretary named Janine Melnitz, played by** _ **Young Sheldon's**_ **Annie Potts.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Janine, any calls?**_

 _ **Janine Melnitz (Played by Annie Potts): No.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Any Messages?**_

 _ **Janine Melnitz: No.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Any customers?**_

 _ **Janine Melnitz: No, Dr. Venkman.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Young Sheldon**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Sheldon Cooper (Played by Iain Armitage): How much money are you planning to leave me when you die?**_

 _ **Meemaw (Played by Annie Potts): Nice talking to ya.**_

 **(Closes the door)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at a creepy looking apartment on 55 Central Park West, we're introduced to a professional musician named Dana Barrett, played by Sigourney Weaver. We see that she lives in the questionable building along with her nerdy neighbor Louis Tulley, played hilariously by Rick Moranis. And I'm not sure, but it looks like that dude is trying to hit on the chick from** _ **Alien**_ **because when she walks by his door, he tends to pop out to stop and chat with her.**

 _ **Louis Tulley (Played by Rick Moranis): (After he bursts out of his apartment) Oh, Dana. It's you.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: Hi. Yes, Louis, it's me.**_

"Creepy much, dude? It's not like Cole Reyes acts like that every time he sees Frankie Gaines talking to his sister Dayton on _I Am Frankie_." Sean said. "In fact, Cole is much different than Louis except he can be ditzy at times."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of ditzy, here's Louis' gimmick.**

 **(Louis gets himself locked out of his apartment)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After talking to Louis, Dana enters her apartment only to come across this commercial.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: (On TV) Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (On TV) Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (On TV): Have you or any of your family ever seen a spook, specter or ghost?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals.**_

 _ **All Three: Ghostbusters.**_

"Hey, we all do goofy commercials to promote our place of business. I should know. I've made a commercial." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as an announcer) Come on down to Mayhem Video, where we have all your favorite movies. So many to choose from. We got action, comedy, romance, drama, horror, movies for kids, movies for adults, we have the newest releases and the hottest video games. If you want to binge on your favorite shows, we have every season for you to binge. Having a problem making a selection? Our friendly staff is always there to help you out and with our state of the art database software, it's easy to find exactly what you're looking for, even if it sucks.**

 **(Sean is shown holding a DVD copy of** _ **Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers**_ **)**

 **Sean: (as announcer) Today's feature rental, the 1984 smash hit comedy** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **. Starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis, Annie Potts, William Atherton, Ernie Hudson and Slimer. Mayhem Video, located in the Evergreen Shopping Center next to Volpax.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after Dana sees the commercial, she heads to the commercial to put her groceries up and some weird stuff happens when her eggs start cooking on the counter and she hears a growling noise coming from her refrigerator.**

 **(Dana walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door, only to see another dimension inhabited by a temple and a demigod standing)**

 **Sean: (V/O as creature) Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!**

 **(Dana screams and slams the refrigerator door shut)**

"Hmm, I wonder if the Nostalgia Critic won't mind if I use that joke throughout the review." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **get their first client and it's Dana Barrett, when she tells them about what happened back at her apartment, they run some tests on her to see if she's crazy, but this gives Peter the opportunity to get romantically closer to Dana.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Tell you what, I'll take Miss Barrett back to her apartment and check her out.**_

 **(Dana looks at Peter)**

"Whoa, wait a minute dude. No need for that, this is a PG-rated film for the kids. None of that freaky shit, she's your client. Save it for some studio like Hustler and Brazzers to make a _Ghostbusters_ porn parody." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the apartment, Dana heads inside with Peter for him to investigate and we get one of the Ghostbusters' little gadgets called a Ghost Sniffer and don't worry, it's a useless gadget and it's not going to be seen again. Hell, does it even do? Are you going to explain how it does it?**

 _ **Dana Barrett: What is that thing you're doing?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: It's technical. It's one of our little toys.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: I see.**_

"Uh, are you going to explain what it does? Nope? Oh, come on! At least explains what it does." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They enter the kitchen as Dana shows Peter the eggs that were cooking on the counter and she asks him to check the refrigerator and he does, only to find…**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (While peeking into Dana's refrigerator) Oh, my God.**_

"NO BABA!" Sean screamed out and grabbed the pillow to hide his face so he won't see anything happen to Dr. Venkman.

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Opens the refrigerator, only to see that it's back to normal) Look at all the junk food.**_

Sean peeks up a bit and throws his pillow back down on the couch. "Huh, nothing scary happened. Oh, well. Does she have any leftover meat loaf in there?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Peter doesn't get any reading with the ghost sniffer. He doesn't even know how to use that thing correctly and he picks the right time to play Cassanova and try to put the moves on Dana.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna go for broke. I am madly in love with you.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: I don't believe this. Will you please leave?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: And then she threw me out of her life. She thought I was a creep. She thought I was a geek, and she probably wasn't the first.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: You are so odd.**_

"Well, of course he's odd because he's Peter Venkman. And by the way, trying to hit on your client after you don't find anything, that's not a good idea." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Venkman, Stanz and Spengler use the last of their funds to buy Chinese food, then Janine gets a call from a serious call and then we get one of the greatest moments in the movie.**

 _ **Janine Melnitz: We've got one!**_

 **(She rings the alarm as the Ghostbusters stop eating and The Bus Boys' Cleanin Up the Town starts playing)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stantz: It's a call!**_

 **(We see the Ghostbusters run and get dressed, then leave in the Ecto-1 to their destination. They arrive at the Sedgewick Hotel and enter the lobby.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Hey, anybody seen a ghost.**_

"Okay, when I was a kid when I first saw this movie, I was excited to see the Ghostbusters in action and that moment got me pumped up and I consider it to be one of the best scenes in the movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The manager of the Sedgewick Hotel, played by Michael Ensign, tells the Ghostbusters that the hotel is having some problems with a resident ghost. So, they go to investigate and they test out their proton packs on an unsuspecting chambermaid who was busy with her job.**

 **(The chambermaid appears as Egon and Ray fire their proton guns at the chambermaid's cleaning cart as she ducks down for cover)**

 _ **Chambermaid (Played by the late Frances E. Nealy): What the hell are you doing?**_

"And there's one innocent bystander that's going to sue you for trying to hit her with a positron collider. And that was causing some serious damage." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the Ghostbusters split up to look for the ghost and Ray comes across a green blob known as Slimer, who's voiced by the film's director Ivan Reitman.**

"A little fun fact about the character Slimer. During the pre-production of the film, director Ivan Reitman remarked that Slimer was sort of like the character Bluto from _National Lampoon's Animal House_ and in many interviews, Dan Aykroyd described Slimer as "The Ghost of John Belushi". And I can see why Slimer is like Bluto from Animal House." Sean said.

"Hang on, how is a ghost like the guy from _Animal House_?" Brian asked.

"They're both fat and they eat a lot." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Ray loses Slimer, Peter ends up finding Slimer and this happens to him.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Don't move. It won't hurt you.**_

 **(Peter screams as Slimer flies right towards him. Ray runs down the hall to save his comrade)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Venkman! Venkman! Pete!**_

 **(Stanz finds Venkman, who's laying on the floor covered in slime)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Venkman, what happened? Are you okay?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.**_

"Wow, Venkman looked like he was watching a Brazzers Hot & Mean video with Missy Martinez and Gianna Dior and he nutted harder than any man has before. Come t think of it, wasn't it the original tagline for Brazzers?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: He slimed me.**_

 **(The Brazzers logo pops up)**

 **Announcer: Brazzers**

 **Sean: (as Ray Parker Jr.) Bustin' makes me feel good!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Egon calls Ray to tell him that the ghost ran into the ballroom. The Ghostbusters entered the ballroom and they attempt to catch it in a discreet and quiet way but they end up destroying the shit out of the ballroom. Then, Egon tells Ray and Peter something very important that you should never do.**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Total protonic reversal.**_

"In other words, a big ass explosion that will kill you. So, don't do it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Egon explains that crossing the streams is bad, our heroes try to capture Slimer and causing some more damage, which will be a shitload of money. But they manage to capture their first ghost and Venkman whips out one of the most memorable lines ever.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!**_

"Or as he would say in the edited for TV version that they showed on ABC back in 1987." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the edited TV version is shown)**

 **** _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What a knockabout of pure fun that was!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After their successful bust by capturing Slimer, we get a montage of the Ghostbusters in action and we see them being an overnight success across both New York City and the nation with reporters like the late Roger Grimsby, Larry King and especially Shaggy himself Casey Kasem. All that is going on while Ray Parker Jr.'s** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **is playing.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we get our little montage, we get a little dream sequence where Ray gets visited by a sexy dream ghost.**

 **(Ray looks down and notices that the dream ghost starts unbuckling his pants and pulls down his zipper and his pants. Ray crosses his eyes and groans as he lays his head back)**

We cut to Sean, who is seen with a shocked look on his face. "What the hell? That is not appropriate for a PG movie that kids will watch. This is more along the lines of PG-13 material. When I was around 4 or 5 years old when I watched the movie, I didn't even get it. And looking back at it now, I realized that the ghost was giving Ray a blowjob! I know that the PG-13 rating wasn't out that time and it was 1984, but still this is along the lines of borderline PG-13 or an R rating. This isn't _Stripes_. Or _this ain't Ghostbusters_ , the XXX porn parody!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome montage, we see that amount of calls have been increases, the team hires a fourth member to the team. Enter Winston Zeddemore, played by the always awesome Ernie Hudson.**

 _ **Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson): Uh, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.**_

"Do you believe in ape-man, the JFK conspiracy and the Da Vinci code?" Sean asked imitating Janine.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They also show him the ropes by showing him how they put the trapped ghosts in the containment unit. But enough about him, the Ghostbusters get a visit from a lawyer who represents the Environmental Protection Agency named Walter Peck, played by William "I swear I'm not making any dickless or Wally Wick jokes" Atherton. He comes to visit trying to inspect the storage facility but Venkman tells him no.**

 _ **Walter Peck (Played by William Atherton): I want to know more about what you do here. Frankly, there've been a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possible environmental impact from your operation. For instance, the presence of noxious possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement.**_

"Geez, you made it sound like he's a villain from Captain Planet." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember when the Nostalgia Critic did a top 11 things you never noticed about video about the movie Ghostbusters when he said the number 1 thing you never noticed and he said this?**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's** _ **Top 11 Things You Never Noticed About Ghostbusters**_ **video is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: Walter Peck is 100% right. I know I'm not the first person to say this, but Peck is totally justified in what he's doing. He may be one of the most enjoyably hateable characters in movie history, but what is he trying to do? He wants to examine their business because he think it's unstable.**_

"Look, I know I don't care for the character because he's trying to shut the Ghostbusters' business down and what he does later on in the film that will make you want to punch him in the face, but I have to agree with Walter Peck." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He's just trying to do his job and he wants to inspect their facility and Peter turns him down. The dude thinks it's unstable and you know what, it is unstable! Take a look at this scene where Egon turns on Ray's proton pack.**

 **(Egon turns on Ray's proton pack, then backs away)**

"You see that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He literally backed away because they never tested their equipment and none of their incredibly dangerous devices are up to date. This is one giant nuclear bomb just waiting to go off.**

"And we're trusting the fate of the city with these guys for them to protect the city of New York from some real wrath of God-type stuff like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Mayor (Played by the late David Margulies): Enough, I get the point!**_

"So even though Wally Wick is dickless, he's still 100% right." Sean said. "And that's a big Twinkie."

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What about the Twinkie?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back to 55 Central Park West, (In a deep voice) on a dark and story night, we see that one of the creepy-looking dog statues on the roof…**

 **(One of the statues breaks out of it's Gothic state in it's likeness)**

"Suddenly, it turns into the opening of _Gargoyles_." Sean said.

 **(The theme from Disney's Gargoyles starts playing while the Gothic statue breaks out of it's likeness)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dana is entering her apartment and she is talking on the phone with her mother and after she's finished her phone call, she notices something strange going on in her closet until this happens.**

 **(A bunch of demonic hands bust out of the chair and grabs Dana. The chair turns and the door opens, revealing Zuul. Dana screams)**

 **Sean: (as Zuul) Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!**

 **(Zuul pulls Dana in and possesses her)**

"Okay, I would just like to point out that one of those hands were trying to feel up Dana. I'm not kidding. Just take a look. And one other thing, it's nice to show a woman being sexually assaulted by demonic hands in a kid's movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after Dana gets possessed by Zuul. Louis gets an uninvited guest at his party when another demon dog crashes his party and chases him throughout Central Park and corners him at a fancy restaurant, where everybody just looks at him. Look, I don't care if you are trying to enjoy a meal with your friends and family, just help the poor guy out and let him in, you snobby pricks!**

 _ **Louis Tulley: Please, somebody! Let me in!**_

 **(The people in the restaurant go back to eating their meals and talking to each other)**

 _ **Louis Tulley: (To the demon dog) Nice doggy. Cute little pooch. Maybe I got a Milk-Bone.**_

 **(The demon dog appears to possess Louis. Louis screams while the people in the restaurant look on, then they go back to eating)**

"Mmm. I say, Reginald. The McLobster is very good." Sean said in a snobby voice.

"Waiter, may I have another glass of white wine?" Brian asked in a snobby voice.

"And I would like some lamb sauce with my beef wellington." Sean said. "And was there somebody outside getting possessed by Satan's dog? Hmm. Oh, well. Must've been my imagination."

"Where's the lamb sauce?!" Chef Ramsay yelled out off-screen.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Peter arrives to go up to Dana Barrett's apartment to take her out on a date and he sees that there's something different about Dana…**

 _ **Dana Barrett: Are you the Keymaster?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Not that I know of.**_

 **(Dana, possessed by Zuul, closes the door)**

"What the hell? Dude, when a woman that hot is dressed like that and asks you if you're the Keymaster, you say "Hell, yeah!"." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Peter realizes that Dana is possessed when refers to herself as Zuul and that she and the Keymaster are preparing for the coming of the Destructor known as Gozer. Also, she seduces Peter and tries to sleep with him.**

 **(Dana throws Peter down on the bed and straddles his lap)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Easy. I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.**_

 **(Dana kisses Peter)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule. You know, I can…**_

 **(She rolls Peter over so he's on top)**

 _ **Dana Barrett: I want you inside me.**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Possessed or not, we do not need any of that in a PG movie. Save it for Raven Alexis and Evan Stone in Hustler's porn parody of _This Ain't Ghostbusters XXX_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And you can tell when a woman's possessed when she has the demonic voice of Ivan Reitman.**

 _ **Zuul (Voiced by Ivan Reitman): There is no Dana, only Zuul.**_

"Could've been worse. She could've had the voice of Pazuzu from _The Exorcist_." Sean said.

 _ **Pazuzu (Voiced by the late Mercedes McCambridge): Stick your cock up her ass, you motherfucking worthless cocksucker./Keep away, the sow is mine! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!/Let Jesus fuck you! Let Jesus fuck you!**_

"Never let Mercedes McCambridge do voice acting in a kid's movie." Sean said, pointing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, Peter. Time to stop messing around and beat the living shit out of her like Father Merrin and Father Karras.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: One…**_

 **(Dana closes her eyes and growls)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Two…**_

 **(Dana growls some more)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Two and a half.**_

 **(Dana roars and levitates)**

 **(A clip from** _ **I'm Gonna Git You Sucka**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Leonard (Played by Damon Wayans): Oh, shit! You must got the devil in you.**_

 _ **Cheryl (Played by Dawnn Lewis): (In a demonic voice) No, cramps!**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Please come down.**_

 **(Zuul roars at Peter)**

"Right. Excuse me for a second." Sean picks up his cell phone from off of the coffee table. "Hello, could you get me Daffy Duck's Quackbusters? Huh? What do you mean? I have to wait four years for Daffy Duck to open his ghost busting business? Look, I have a big problem here, Ripley from _Alien_ is possessed by some demonic dog named Zuul! Yeah. Mhm-hmm. Got it. Okay. Thank you."

Sean ends the call and looks at the camera.

"I just spoke to the operator and they said if I keep prank calling them, they'll send the cops over to arrest me. Damn." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the cops drop Louis off at the firehouse after he was found harassing locals around Central Park looking for the Gatekeeper. Egon examines Louis and realizes that he's possessed and is going by the name of Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster of Gozer. Who's Vinz Clortho? Remember that demon dog that crashed Louis' party? That's Vinz Clortho.**

 _ **Janine Melnitz: There's something very strange about that man.**_

 **(Egon and Janine look at Louis sniffing a jar of popcorn)**

 _ **Janine Melnitz: Listen, I'm usually very psychic, and I have a terrible feeling that something awful is gonna happen to you. I'm afraid you're gonna die.**_

"On the day before my 22nd birthday and it was on the month that the final season of _Good Luck Charlie_ aired it's final episode." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Peter then calls Egon to tell him about Dana being possessed by Zuul and Egon tells him that he has Louis aka Vinz Clortho, the Keymaster. And getting the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster together is extremely dangerous. Meanwhile, Ray and Winston have a deep conversation about the end of the world.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: I remember Revelations 7:12. And I looked as he opened the sixth seal. And behold, there was a great earthquake. And the sun became as black as sackcloth. And the moon became as blood.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: And the seas boiled. And the skies fell.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Judgment day.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Judgment day.**_

"Wow. This is some very serious stuff for a kid's film. These two are busy talking about the end of the world. I wonder how they're going to keep up with this serious conversation." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: How about a little music?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Yeah.**_

 **(We cut to a shot of the Ecto-1 driving on the Manhattan Bridge)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's it? That's how we're gonna end it with Elmer Bernstein's music playing while we get a shot of the Ecto-1 driving on the Manhattan Bridge? God, that was a short conversation.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Short but pointless.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Walter Peck arrives at the Ghostbusters HQ with the cops and this guy from Con Edison to shut down the containment grid.**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: He wants to shut down the protection grid, Peter.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: You shut that thing down we are not going to be responsible for whatever happens.**_

 _ **Walter Peck: You'll be responsible.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we won't be held responsible.**_

 _ **Walter Peck: Shut it off.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Don't shut it off. I'm warning you.**_

"Oh, come on. How bad could it be if he shuts the protection grid down? It's not like he's gonna cause an explosion and hundreds of freed ghosts wreak havoc throughout the whole city. Right?" Sean asked.

 **(The Con Ed man shuts the protection grid down. The alarm blares as everyone flees the firehouse as the grid collapses, causing an explosion and causing some ghosts go free)**

"Well….shit." Sean said.

"You idiot!" Brian yelled, referring to Walter Peck.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you can see why Walter Peck is such a dickless bastard. And by the way, keep an eye out on an important celebrity cameo in this scene. You'll probably know who I'm talking about. Just hit the pause button and you'll notice the guy with the mustache. Yeah, that's porn star Ron Jeremy and no he was not running late to do a porno. He's just an extra in the film.**

"And then, we get one of my favorite moments throughout the film." Sean said.

 _ **Walter Peck: Hold it! I want this man arrested. After these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act. And this explosion is a direct result of it!**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Your mother!**_

 **(Egon tries to attack Peck)**

 _ **Cop: Hey now, hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Come on!**_

"Yeah, Egon saying "Your mother" to Walter Peck was one of my favorite moments in the film. I was just waiting for Egon to just slug that guy in the face and that would've been satisfying to see. Plus, it's a line that the Angry Video Game Nerd used while playing _Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero_ and my friend Geoffery and I tend to act out that scene." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because of Peck shutting down the protection grid, ghosts are running rampant throughout New York while Mick Smiley's** _ **Magic**_ **starts playing. We see a zombie driving a taxi cab and we get Slimer chowing down on some Nathan's hot dogs and Vinz Clortho escapes and makes his way back to Dana's apartment, where Zuul greets him with a passionate kiss.**

 **(Zuul kisses Vinz Clortho)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Eww! Meanwhile, the Ghostbusters are sitting in jail and they recognize that Dana's apartment building was a huge super-conductive antenna that was designed and built for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spirtual turbulence and the guy who designed the building, an architect named Ivo Shandor. Shandor was also a doctor who performed a lot of unnecessary surgery and started a secret society for people known as Gozer worshippers and these Gozer worshippers conducted bizarre rituals.**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: …bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world. And now it looks like it may actually happen.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and get ready for celebrity cameo #3. And this is a TGIF favorite.**

 _ **Jail Guard (Played by Reginald VelJohnson, credited as Reggie Vel Johnson): Okay, Ghostbusters. The mayor wants to see you guys. The whole island's going crazy. Let's go.**_

"Yep, that's Reginald VelJohnson a.k.a. Officer Carl Winslow from _Family_ _Matters_ in _Ghostbusters_. Boy, he plays a cop in this one, _Die Hard_ and _Family Matters_. It's a brief appearance for him but his role in this one, _Family Matters_ and _Die Hard_ were all the same guy just undercover. I guess the kid he shot in _Die Hard_ was Urkel." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ghostbusters are released from jail to talk to the mayor, played by the late David Margulies, but not until Walter Prick shows up to cause some more trouble.**

 _ **Walter Peck: These men are consummate snowball artists. They use sense and nerve gases to induce hallucinations. People think they're seeing ghosts, and they call these bozos who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake electronic light show.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Your honor, our system was working just fine until the power grid was turned off by Wally Wick here.**_

 _ **Walter Peck: They caused an explosion.**_

 _ **The Mayor of NY: Is this true?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: It's true, your honor. This man is some kind of rodent I don't know which.**_

"Oops, sorry. I played the footage from the edited version of _Ghostbusters_. Sorry about that, folks." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.**_

 _ **Walter Peck: They caused an explosion.**_

 _ **The Mayor of NY: Is this true?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, it's true. This man has no dick.**_

Sean laughs a bit. "Boy, this movie has so many quotable lines that are hilarious."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Ghostbusters tell the mayor of what the city is expecting, which is a disaster of biblical proportions.**

 _ **The Mayor of NY: Well, what do you mean, "biblical"?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real wrath-of-God-type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, Volcanoes.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.**_

 _ **The Mayor of NY: Enough! I get the point.**_

"Let's not forget Donald Trump becoming the President of the United States. Now, that's some real wrath-of-God type stuff." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Peter then wins over the mayor's judgment as the mayor kicks Peck out of his office and allows them to get to work. With the assistance of the police and the Army, the Ghostbusters arrive to save the day and they must overcome their first obstacle… STAIRS!**

 **(We see the Ghostbusters walking up a few flights of stairs)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Where are we?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: It looks like we're in the teens somewhere.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, when we get to 20, tell me. I'm gonna throw up.**_

"Hey guys, have you ever heard of an elevator? You should've taken the elevator up to the 20th floor instead of taking the stairs. But hey, you get one hell of a good workout. You'll be exhausted, but you'll get a good workout." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They eventually arrive at the 20** **th** **floor to Dana's apartment and make their way up to the roof, only to find Dana and Louis turn into the Terror Dog forms of their possessors after they open a dimensional gate to Gozer's Temple and Gozer appears in the form of…**

 **(Gozer appears in her female humanoid form)**

"In the form of a smoking hot Serbian model, goddamn!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Gozer the Gozerian, she's played by Serbian actress and model Salvit… Saliva... Salvia… Slyvitz… Sativa Rose… Jenna Sativa? I'm kidding, her name is Slavitza Jovan and she plays Gozer and Ray goes up to talk to her and she asks him a question.**

 _ **Gozer (Played by Slavitza Jovan): Are you a god?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: No.**_

 _ **Gozer: Then die!**_

 **(Gozer blasts the Ghostbusters with her powers)**

"Uh, Ray. Next time, when a smoking hot entity from another dimension asks you if you're a god. I have a three letter word for you to say. Hmm, what is it? I can't put my finger on it. Oh, yeah… YES!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But our heroes won't back down when they get ready to send Gozer packing and you know what, I love this shot of the Ghostbuster walking in the straight line, showing that this group is together and are ready to kick some ass. Hell, they made it look awesome. One of the coolest clichés ever and they did it with Tombstone.**

"And with Elmer Bernstein's music score playing throughout the scene, it makes it more awesome." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ghostbusters subdue Gozer and she disappears, but then we hear Gozer's voice echoing that the "destructor" will follow a form chosen by the team. With Venkman, Spengler and Zeddemore clearing their heads. Except for Ray.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: I couldn't help it. It just popped in there.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What? What just popped in there?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: I…I… I tried to think.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Look!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: No! It can't be.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: It can't be.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What did you do, Ray?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Oh, shit.**_

 **(They see the destructor arriving in the form of a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.**_

"Okay, back in the day, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was one of the best things ever about this movie. It's freaking awesome. It's much more better than the Stay Puft balloon from the 2016 reboot." Sean said as a photo of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man balloon pops up next to him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nice thinking from Ray. He thought of something adorable from his childhood that could never ever possibly destroy them. Good job, dude. You thought of the cuddly marshmallow version of KidBehindACamera. Couldn't he have thought of Scarlett Sage?**

 **(A photo of Scarlett Sage pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, he thought of something innocent but it looks like good 'ol Stay Puft wants to kill them.**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Oh, no.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Mother pus bucket.**_

"Hey, hey, hey. Watch your mouth, Venkman. This is a PG movie. Oh, wait. Mother pus bucket isn't a bad word. Nevermind." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Ghostbusters roast the giant Marshmallow Man with their proton streams, which doesn't stop him. Which means, it's time for option B: crossing the streams at Gozer's portal in an attempt to reverse the particle flow. The explosion closes the gate and destroys Gozer/Stay Puft, turning it into a liquid marshmallow fluff and we see Walter Peck get covered in marshmallow goo.**

"That's for shutting off the protection grid, dickless!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the day is saved. The Ghostbusters survived, as well as Dana and Louis, who have returned to their normal human forms and before the credits roll, Winston ends the film with this line.**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: I love this town!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The credits roll as the song starts playing, Venkman and Dana kiss and the Ghostbusters are hailed as heroes. The end.**

"And that was Ghostbusters and it's still awesome." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What's there to say about this movie? Nothing negative, it's still a good movie. The comedy was hilarious and the acting is amazing as always. As for the music in the movie, the late Elmer Bernstein's music score is one of my favorites. The movie's soundtrack is great with it's catchy theme song. Now, let's talk about the visual effects for this movie. The guy who did the visual effects was Richard Edlund, who's known for his work on the original** _ **Star Wars**_ **trilogy,** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **and** _ **Poltergeist**_ **. The visual effects were amazing but if you want me to nitpick a little then I will. It could be silly-looking at some times like the stop-motion dogs that looks like something that Ray Harryhausen created, some of the matte paintings aren't looking very real and you can see through Stay Puft half of the time. But still, the visual effects look incredible. The movie grossed $13.6 million on it's opening weekend and $23 million in it's first week. The movie was nominated for two Academy Awards for Best Original Song and Best Visual Effects. Heck, even in an episode of** _ **Cheers**_ **in it's eighth season when they referenced the movie.**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Cheers**_ **season eight episode** _ **Loverboyd**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Woody Boyd (Played by Woody Harrelson): Ghostbusters is on TV. I love that movie.**_

 _ **Sam Malone (Played by Ted Danson): Oh, yeah.**_

 _ **Woody Boyd: It's criminal they way it got snubbed by the Oscars that year.**_

 _ **Sam Malone: It still ticks me off.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Because of how beloved this movie is, it spawned several video games, a sequel that was released in 1989 called** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **, two animated television series** _ **The Real Ghostbusters**_ **in 1986 and** _ **Extreme Ghostbusters**_ **in 1997. Oh, and it also spawned a reboot with an all-female team of Ghostbusters in 2016. Anyway, it's an excellent film to watch with a lot of funny moments and incredible visual effects. If you're new to Ghostbusters, then check it out. That's why I'm giving** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **5 proton packs out of 5.**

"And that is all. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before leaving the room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!**_

 **And that was my review of** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. What are your thoughts about** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **and your favorite moment from the film? Also, I'm trying to pick which topic to do next after** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **. Here are the choices:**

 _ **Day of the Dead**_ **(1985): Sean takes a look at the third film in George A. Romero's Dead trilogy.**

 _ **Fright Night**_ **(1985): Vampires, Marcy D'Arcy and werewolves. From the mind of Tom Holland comes the horror comedy that the Mayhem Critic will be tackling.**

 _ **Halloween II**_ **(1981): Sean and Brian take a look at the 1981 sequel to John Carpenter's** _ **Halloween**_ **in honor of the new Halloween movie coming out.**

 **Christine: Sean takes a look at the classic horror film. John Carpenter and Stephen King, a match made in heaven.**

 **Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next review. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	39. Episode Thirty-Five: Halloween II '81

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, as Halloween Havoc continues, Sean and his friend Brian take a look at the sequel to one of their favorite horror films in honor of the upcoming** _ **Halloween**_ **film coming up,** _ **Halloween II**_ **, the 1981 version not the crappy 2009 Rob Zombie version. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic.**_ **Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Halloween II**_ **is owned by Universal Pictures, Moustapha Akkad and Dino Di Laurentiis Corporation.**

 **Episode Thirty-Five**

 **Halloween II (1981)**

 **(We get the intro to** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **before the review starts)**

After the intro to _Halloween Havoc_ ends, we see Sean and his friend Brian both sitting on the couch in Sean's living room as they get ready to talk about today's feature.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said.

"And I'm Sean's friend Brian." Brian said.

"And welcome to another installment of _Halloween Havoc_." Sean said and starts laughing in a sinister way while lightning strikes and the sound of an eerie organ playing. "Let's talk about Halloween."

 **(Clips from John Carpenter's** _ **Halloween**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Halloween**_ **is a horror film that I considered to be a masterpiece. The film was inspired by the work of Alfred Hitchcock's** _ **Psycho**_ **, the movie made a budget of $300,000. It became one of the most profitable independent films. The film helped popularize the final girl trope in movies and it was the first film to introduced the concept of the killer being a seemingly, indestructible force. Famous slasher movie villains like Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorheeves and Ghostface from Scream owe their thanks to Michael Myers.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) A great cast, including Jamie Lee Curtis and the late Donald Pleasence, one of my favorite British actors.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And with the new** _ **Halloween**_ **coming out, you know as fans of the original. We're hyped. I was a bit skeptical at first when I found out that it was written by the director of** _ **Pineapple Express**_ **David Gordon Green and actor Danny McBride. When I read about it, I thought to myself that they're gonna turn it into a comedy but it's gonna be a horror film. And you know what? They did a hell of a good job. From what I'm hearing, it's been getting positive reviews from critics, with many considering it to be both the best** _ **Halloween**_ **sequel and a pretty nice return of the film series. Plus, we have Jamie Lee Curtis and Nick Castle reprising their roles as Laurie Strode and Michael Myers.**

"But hey, you can't talk about _Halloween_ without talking about the sequels." Sean said, sighing a bit. "My God, the sequels."

"Ugh, some were okay. Others were terrible." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After** _ **Halloween**_ **came out and** _ **Friday the 13th**_ **hit at the box office in 1980, those movies spawned a slew of slasher clones. Films like** _ **Terror Train**_ **which starred Jamie Lee Curtis,** _ **My Bloody Valentine**_ **,** _ **New Year's Evil**_ **and** _ **Prom Night**_ **another film that starred Jamie Lee Curtis. Then some nut up at Universal Pictures thought "You know what we can make a sequel to after the success of the original? Oh, I know.** _ **Halloween**_ **."**

"In case you didn't get the joke, it's _Halloween II_." Sean said before clips from the film are shown.

 **(The movie's title screen is shown as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The sequel to one of the greatest horror films ever from one of the greatest directors of all time. Halloween II was released in theaters on October 30, 1981. What do you know? The day before Halloween. How ironic. Now, doing a sequel to this masterpiece could be a good thing if you do it right. The keyword is right.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The film picks up immediately after the events of the first film.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the question is this, does this film need a sequel? Hell, the late Moustapha Akkad thought it would be a good idea to do so. The film was written by John Carpenter and the late Debra Hill. Instead of Carpenter directing the film, the movie was directed by Rick Rosenthal, who's known for directing the films** _ **Bad Boys,**_ _ **American Dreamer**_ **,** _ **Russkies**_ **starring a young Joaquin Phoenix and Peter Billingslea and…**

 **(A poster for** _ **Halloween: Resurrection**_ **and a photo of Busta Rhymes is shown)**

"Ugh!" Sean rolled his eyes in disgust. "A movie that the Internet will not be so kind to."

"The only good thing I liked was the music score." Brian said.

"Well, let's take a look at more of the night he came home. This is _Halloween II_. The 1981 version, not the Rob Zombie version. Just watch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with the song** _ **Mr. Sandman**_ **. A change of pace for the theme song, I guess. Then we open right when the first film ended. A re-enactment of the first film's ending, where we see Laurie Strode, once again played by Jamie Lee Curtis. But here's what different from this scene and the scene in the first movie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Laurie Strode (Played by Jamie Lee Curtis): Come here and just listen to me. I want you to go down the stairs and out the front door and I want you to go down the street to the Mackenzies' house. I want you to tell them to call the police and tell them to send them over here. Now, do you understand me?**_

 _ **Tommy Doyle (Played by Brian Andrews): Yes.**_

 _ **Laurie Strode: Go do as I say.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now let's take a look at the sequel.**

 _ **Laurie Strode: I want you to listen to me. I want you to go out of the house and down the street to the Mackenzies' house. I want you to knock on their door and I want you to tell them to call the police and send them over here. All right? Now do as I say.**_

 _ **Tommy Doyle: All right.**_

 _ **Laurie Strode: Go.**_

"Notice anything different?" Sean asked.

"The dialogue's different." Brian said.

"Yep. The dialogue is different. She didn't tell them to go down the stairs and out the front door. And I seem to recall her hand being on Tommy's shoulder. She didn't tell them to knock on the door in the first film. And I remember her saying "Now, do you understand me?" before she said "Now do as I say." And she never said "Go" as they were leaving either. Okay, so that's points taken off for changing the dialogue. Let's see what else is different." Sean said.

 **(Dr. Loomis shoots Michael Myers seven times. After Loomis shoots him, Michael falls off the balcony)**

"He fired seven bullets into Michael. Wow, I did not know that a standard issue revolver holds seven bullets. It's either that or he mastered the unlimited ammo cheat code." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In case you were wondering, he did fire six shots into Michael in the original film.**

 **(We cut back to a clip from** _ **Halloween**_ **, we see Dr. Loomis shoot Michael six times)**

"Different sound for the gun firing, too." Brian pointed out.

"They got a different sound editor for the movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, when Laurie rips Michael's mask off of his face, we don't see his face even though they clearly showed his face in the original.**

 _ **Laurie Strode: Was it the boogeyman?**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): As a matter of fact, it was.**_

"Okay, that part was actually shot-for-shot the original film. Good job, movie. Let's see if you can keep it up." Sean said.

 **(We see Dr. Loomis walking out the front door and sees that Michael's body is gone, his eyes widened in shock)**

"Wait, wait, wait. He walked out the front door? Uh, whatever happened to Dr. Loomis looking out the balcony with that creepy-ass "I knew this would happen" look in his eyes? In this one, he walks out the door and he makes that "Holy shit! This just happened!" look. And Michael leaves an imprint on the ground like a character from _Looney Tunes_. God, this is the most half-assed sequel re-enactment I have ever seen in my life!" Sean yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Back to the Future Part II**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you want a perfect example of a sequel re-enactment, take a look at** _ **Back to the Future Part II**_ **. They did a re-enactment of the final scene from the first film at the beginning of the movie and it wasn't note-for-note the same thing as the original. But at least in the re-enactment, the dialogue is the same and they have a reason to do a re-enactment in the first place. Claudia Wells, who played Marty's girlfriend Jennifer Parker in the first film, was to reprise the role, but she turned it down due to personal issues. So, the producers cast Elisabeth Shue from** _ **Adventures in Babysitting**_ **and** _ **Cocktail**_ **to play Jennifer Parker. So, give** _ **Back to the Future II**_ **some credit, at least they have a reason to do a re-enactment.**

"John Carpenter and Debra Hill wrote and produced this film and trust me, we'll get to that later. But couldn't they at least tell Rick Rosenthal and by the way this was Rosenthal's directorial debut, to insert the actual ending of the film? God, we're not past the four minute mark and this film is starting to piss me off!" Sean yelled.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, after the intro, we get the opening credits of the film and you'll notice that the Halloween theme has got a major upgrade.**

 **(The theme for** _ **Halloween II**_ **plays throughout the opening credits)**

"Great version of the theme." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) (After seeing the film editor's name is Skip Schoolnik): Hey, I guess Mark Goldblatt is gonna skip school, Nick.**

"Get it? Skip school, Nick? See, the film editor's name is Skip Schoolnik and I had to make a pun." Sean said, laughing a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But what's this? The jack-o-lantern has a little surprise inside.**

 **(The jack-o-lantern opens up, revealing a skull)**

"Revealing the head of Mr. Skullhead from _Tiny Toon Adventures_." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we get a few nice shots of Michael's POV and he hides from Dr. Loomis after he sees him reuniting with Sheriff Leigh Brackett, once again played by Charles Cyphers, and Dr. Loomis says this.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I shot him six times!**_

"No, you didn't." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I shot him six times!**_

"No, you didn't. You shot him seven times." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I shot him in the heart!**_

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett (Played by Charles Cyphers): He can't have gotten very far. Come on.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I shot him six times!**_

"SEVEN! You shot him seven times, learn to fucking count!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get a few more shots from Michael's POV as we see him steal a knife from the home of an elderly couple and proceeds to stalk some random teen named Alice, played by Anne Bruner, and he kills her.**

"Well, that was pointless." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Michael kills this random teen, we cut to Laurie Strode, who's being taken to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital and we're introduced to two characters who are important to the film. Jimmy Lloyd played by Lance Guest from** _ **The Last Starfighter**_ **and Budd played by Leo Rossi from the** _ **Relentless**_ **film quadrilogy.**

 _ **Jimmy Lloyd (Played by Lance Guest): Laurie, can you hear me?**_

 _ **Laurie Strode: Don't let them put me to sleep.**_

 _ **Jimmy Lloyd: It's all right. Take it easy. We're gonna go to the clinic. Alright?**_

 _ **Laurie Strode: Don't let them put me to sleep.**_

"Afraid she'll have nightmares." Brian said.

"Either that or a nightmare of a dancing Michael Myers." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Decker Shado's review of** _ **Halloween II**_ **, showing a man dressed as Michael Myers dancing to the Halloween theme)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) While Laurie is being taken to the hospital, we see a panicked mother taking her son to the hospital.**

 **(We see a boy holding a towel up to his mouth, revealing a razor blade in his mouth)**

 _ **Mother: Oh, God. Here. Just put it up there real gently. You okay? Let's go. Just walk real slow. Come on.**_

"And this is why I stop trick or treating. Because your Halloween candy might get sabotaged. Dude, call Adam to tell him not to take Aaron trick or treating because he might bite into something more than a Reese's peanut butter cup." Sean said.

"I'll do that, thanks." Brian said.

 **(We see the boy leave the hospital with his mother. We see the boy holding an ice pack to his mouth)**

 _ **Boy: My mouth is numb.**_

 _ **Mother: What?**_

 _ **Boy: My mouth is numb.**_

 _ **Mother: Oh, sweetie. I can't understand you. Look, we'll play some games tonight and…**_

"Well, that was entirely pointless." Sean said.

"Yeah, wasn't needed at all." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to more of the hospital staff when one of the doctors, a drunk doctor named Dr. Mixter, played by Ford Rainey from the TV miniseries** _ **Amerika**_ **and he ends up putting her to sleep.**

"Really? You're gonna put her to sleep after she tells you not to put her to sleep? What kind of doctor are you?" Sean asked.

"A drunk doctor." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Brackett are both on the hunt for Michael Myers and Brackett bitches at him for letting him out, even though he didn't let him out.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: The primary concern is that we stop him.**_

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett: You let him out.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I didn't let him out.**_

"Blame the psychologist." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And remember how Dr. Loomis was the calm yet very worried doctor from the original film?**

 **Brian: (Narrating) He's now an armed vigilante when he chases a suspicious figure who's dressed as Michael Myers.**

"What the hell did they do with Donald Pleasence?" Brian asked.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Get back! Run! Go on, run! Move it! Get back! Get back, you kids. Run! Move it!**_

 **(Children screaming)**

 **(A person dressed as Michael Myers keeps walking away while Loomis chases. Sheriff Brackett goes after Dr. Loomis and tries to stop him from shooting the kid)**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: (Points his gun at the man) Stop!**_

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett: Don't shoot!**_

 **(A police car appears and hits the kid dressed as Michael Myers into a van. The van explodes)**

"Jesus Christ! Who took over for Rick Rosenthal, Michael Bay?" Sean asked.

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett: Is it him?**_

 **(Loomis sees the body burning)**

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett: Is it him or not?**_

"How the hell should I know? The dude is flaming like Brad Loekle." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Brackett finally gets word on the three victims from the last movie and Deputy Gary Hunt, played by Hunter von Leer, tells Sheriff Brackett that one of his victims is his daughter Annie.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the three of them head down to the house across from the Doyle house, where we get a small cameo from future** _ **SNL**_ **star Dana Carvey.**

"Dana Carvey in a Michael Myers movie. Wrong Mike Myers, pal." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Brackett has the terrifying task of identifying his daughter Annie, played by Nancy Kyes, and he straight up blames Dr. Loomis.**

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett: Damn you. What have you done?**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I haven't done anything.**_

 _ **Sheriff Leigh Brackett: You let him out!**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I didn't let him out. I-I gave orders for him to be restrained.**_

"Damn you! Goddamn you! No! No, Danielle Harris!" Sean cried out, imitating Brad Dourif's Sheriff Brackett from Rob Zombie's _Halloween II_. "Oh, wait. That was Brad Dourif. I was supposed to imitate Cyphers. You let him out! Damn you!"

 **Brian: (Narrating) Then, Dr. Loomis gives Deputy Hunt one of his badass speeches.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: He was my patient for 15 years. He became an obsession with me until I realized that there was nothing within him, neither conscience nor reason that was even remotely human.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I have to admit. It's great to hear Loomis' speeches. They're the only good things about the movies. Even though the sequels suck, with the exception of this one,** _ **Halloween 4**_ **and** _ **Halloween H20**_ **, Donald Pleasence is the most badass pimp ever.**

"Not bad for a guy who's first American role was in an episode of _The Twilight Zone_." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, The Shape is on the loose and he's tracking down Laurie to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital. And I neglected to mention that Michael Myers a.k.a. The Shape is played by Dick "I Swear I'm Not A Pornstar" Warlock.**

"Dick Warlock. My God, when you hear the name Dick Warlock, you're probably thinking that this is the most porniest porn star name you've ever heard in your life. You have porn names like Long Dong Silver, Dick Cummings, Pipe Layer and Johnson Biggs. Then, you have Dick Warlock. Geez, it sounds like that he could be in a movie for Wicked Pictures.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Announcer) From Wicked Pictures. Don't miss these hot babes like Zoey Monroe, Scarlett Sage, Ivy Wolfe, Honey Gold, Kali Roses, Whitney Wright, Kira Noir and Abella Danger in the hottest movie ever made starring the man himself, Dick Warlock. Dick Warlock star in** _ **The Name's Warlock, Dick Warlock**_ **. Coming too soon.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back at the hospital, we're introduced to some more of Michael Myers' victims, I mean the more of the hospital staff. Security guard Bernard Garrett, played by Cliff Emmich who's from Cincinnati, Ohio.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Nurse Ratched, I mean the head nurse Virginia Alves, played by Gloria Gifford from** _ **D.C. Cab**_ **, Janet played by Ana Alicia from** _ **Falcon Crest**_ **, Nurse Karen played by Pamela Susan Shoop from** _ **Empire of the Ants**_ **and Nurse Jill Franco played by Tawny Moyer from** _ **Neil Simon's California Suite**_ **.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We see that Budd, Janet and Jimmy are in the break room talking about Michael Myers and we get some witty dialogue from Budd.**

 _ **Janet (Played by Ana Alicia): Every other word you say is either hell or shit or damn.**_

 _ **Budd (Played by Leo Rossi): I'm sorry. I guess I just fuck up all the time.**_

"This ain't ER." Brian said.

 _ **Budd: (Singing) Amazing Grace. Come sit on my face. Don't make me cry, I need your pie.**_

"And Budd can be crude at times. He just ruined Amazing Grace for me and for black churches everywhere." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we get some more shots from Michael's P.O.V. when we see him sneaking throughout the hospital and… (Sean sees Michael in the maternity ward and hears the babies cooing) Leave those babies alone! After that, we see the older version of Chase Matthews from** _ **Zoey 101**_ **checking up on Laurie and I have to say I like that character. And in Film Master Adam's review of** _ **Halloween II**_ **, he said that he started bitching about the character.**

 **(A clip from Film Master Adam's review of** _ **Halloween II '81**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Adam: The one character I do hate in this movie is this guy. Jimmy Lloyd, the fucking character who everybody seems to like in this film I personally cannot stand. Why? Because he's creepy as hell! He is the very definition of a creeper. A hot medical patient is rolled into the hospital on a gurney with a stab wound and a cracked bone and the first thing he does is put the moves on her? That's just sick.**_

"You know what? Adam, I like your review of _Halloween II_ but I'm sorry I'm gonna say this, fuck you for hating Jimmy Lloyd." Sean said, putting up the middle finger with a smile on his face.

"Not sure why, but I keep seeing Laurie as a blonde." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Jimmy develops some romantic feelings for Laurie, much to the dismay of Nurse Alves and he tells Laurie that the man who attacked her was Michael Myers.**

 _ **Laurie Strode: That little kid who killed his sister?**_

 _ **Jimmy Lloyd: Yeah.**_

 _ **Laurie Strode: But he's in a hospital somewhere.**_

 _ **Jimmy Lloyd: He escaped last night.**_

 _ **Laurie Strode: How do you know?**_

 _ **Jimmy Lloyd: It's all over the radio. Television too.**_

"It's even on Twitter as well. President Trump tweeted about Michael Myers." Sean said, looking at his phone.

 _ **Laurie Strode: Why me? I mean, why me?**_

"Because of a stupid plot twist John Carpenter came up with while he was drunk." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Nurse Alves kicks Jimmy out, she tries to contact Laurie's parents but she can't get a call out, which means that Michael Myers cut the phone lines. So, she sends Jenny and Mr. Garrett to see if he can fix the problem. Mr. Garrett heads outside and finds something in the dumpster.**

 **(A cat pops out and jumps on Mr. Garrett, knocking him down as the cat screeches)**

"CAT!" Sean and Brian both screamed out.

 **(A clip from** _ **I Am Frankie**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dayton Reyes (Played by Nicole Alyse Nelson): Gecko!**_

 _ **Frankie Gaines (Played by Alex Hook): Gecko!**_

"Hey, we said "cat" not "gecko". Get it right." Sean said, glaring at the camera.

"What's a gecko anyway?" Brian asked.

"It's a lizard. Kinda like the gecko from the Geico commercial." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With that jump scare out of the way, Garrett's investigation continues when he notices the door to the storage room is left ajar. It's time to call this in.**

 _ **Bernard Garrett (Played by Cliff Emmich): I think somebody broke into the storeroom. The lock was off.**_

 **(Static is coming from the walkie talkie as Janet tries to figure out how to use it)**

 _ **Janet: Mr. Garrett? I can't hear you.**_

 _ **Bernard Garrett: One of you had better drive down to the sheriff's station right away.**_

 **(Janet fiddles around with the walkie talkie once more)**

 _ **Janet: Mr. Garrett, how do you work this thing?**_

"Dammit Janet! Do you even know how to work the damn thing?!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Garrett continues to snoop around in the storage room after hearing a suspicious noise coming from the closet. Behind door number 1…**

 **(Garrett opens the closet as a bunch of supplies falls on him)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nothing. Behind door number 2…**

 **(Garrett opens another door)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nothing.**

"And let's see what's behind door number 3." Sean said.

 **(Michael Myers appears behind Mr. Garrett with a hammer)**

 **(A sound clip from M.C. Hammer's** _ **U Can't Touch This**_ **plays)**

 _ **M.C. Hammer: Stop, Hammer Time!**_

 **(Michael brings the claw end of the hammer down atop Garrett's head, killing him)**

"Well, Chuck. It looks like Bernard Garrett has won a hammer to the skull." Brian said, in his game show announcer voice.

"You know this death looks oddly familiar, I can't put my finger on it." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Friday the 13th Part 2**_ **is shown. The clip shows the character Deputy Winslow getting stabbed in the back of the head with the claw end of the hammer by Jason)**

"Rip off." Brian said, coughing as he did.

"Oh, yeah. _Friday the 13th Part 2_ did the exact same thing. Which is weird because _Friday the 13th Part 2_ came out in April 30th, 1981 and _Halloween II_ came out in October 30th, 1981. I guess it was payback for _Friday the 13th_ ripping off _Halloween_." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back to Dr. Loomis, we see that him, Deputy Hunt and Graham the medical examiner, played by Jeffrey Kramer from** _ **Jaws**_ **and** _ **Jaws 2**_ **, are going over the charred remains of whom they believe to be Michael Myers.**

 _ **Graham (Played by Jeffrey Kramer): He's young. Maybe 17. Maybe 18.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael Myers is 21.**_

"What?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Excuse me?**_

"Michael Myers is 21? Uh, in the end credits he was listed as age 23. So, what gives? If Michael was 6 years old in 1963 and 15 years later in 1978, he would be 21. In 1963, he would be 8 years old and 15 years later he would be 23. You guys fucked up on his age." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Loomis and Hunt leave the medical examiner's office, they learn about a little commotion taking place at the old Myers house, where a group of angry townspeople are throwing rocks and at the windows and shouting. Then, Dr. Loomis gives one of his badass speeches once more.**

 _ **Deputy Gary Hunt: You know, Haddonfield was a quiet town before tonight. The only gunshots you ever heard were to start the track meet at the local high school.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Yet one night in 1963, Michael Myers did murder his sister in that upstairs bedroom with a large butcher knife.**_

 _ **Deputy Gary Hunt: I remember.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: On Halloween.**_

 _ **Deputy Gary Hunt: I was 16 years old.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: It's his anniversary, Mr. Hunt. He came back.**_

 _ **Deputy Gary Hunt: After 15 years?**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: He waited with extraordinary patience. There was a force inside him biding it's time. The staff grew accustomed to his immobility and silence. In many ways, he was the ideal patient. He didn't talk, he didn't cry. He didn't even move. He just waited. The staff was unprepared. They didn't know what he was.**_

 _ **Deputy Gary Hunt: Did you know?**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Yeah, I knew.**_

"He's so great at monologues." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After hearing another one of Loomis' awesome speeches, two boys approach Loomis and Hunt, one of the boys is played by Billy Warlock, who you might recognize as A.J. Quartermaine from** _ **General Hospital**_ **, Eddie Kramer from** _ **Baywatch**_ **and Ross Rayburn from** _ **One Life to Live**_ **. Oh, and he's also the son of Dick Warlock, Michael Myers' portrayer. The two boys are looking for their friend Ben Tramer and that he isn't back yet and Loomis and Hunt learn that Ben Tramer was the one wearing the mask. Wait, what?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Laurie Strode: I'd rather go out with Ben Tramer.**_

 _ **Annie Brackett (Played by Nancy Kyes): Ben Tramer? I knew it! (Laughs)**_

"Weird, the only time we ever see him on-screen is when he dies in a car crash." Brian said."

"Okay, that is unacceptable and someone needs to be held accountable!" Sean yelled out. "Way to treat Ben Tramer like trash. So, please. If you join me for a moment of silence."

 **(Sarah McLachlan's** _ **I Will Remember You**_ **starts playing and we see a photo of Ben Tramer with the words "Ben Tramer, You Will Be Missed")**

"And back to the story." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the hospital, Laurie starts to have a dream, where we see a young Laurie Strode played by Nichole Drucker, talking to her mother played by Pamela McMyler.**

 _ **Young Laurie (Played by Nichole Drucker): Why don't you tell me? Why won't you ever tell me anything?**_

 _ **Laurie's Mother (Played by Pamela McMyler): I told you… I'm not your mother.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And in the next part of the dream, we see Laurie as a little girl again , this time at a hospital where she sees a young Michael Myers sitting in a chair. Huh? Weird. Anyway, back to more of the victims. We see that Budd and Karen are meeting up for some private time in the therapy room and….**

 **(Karen removes her towel, revealing her bare breasts in front of Budd. Her breasts are censored with Sean's face on it)**

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

"They're hot tubbin'." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And they're about to break one of the rules to successfully survive in the horror movie. Does anyone know what one of the rules are?**

"Anybody? Anybody? Yes, Jamie Kennedy from _Scream_?" Brian said, pointing away from the camera.

 **(A clip from** _ **Scream**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Randy Meeks (Played by Jamie Kennedy): Number 1: You can never have sex.**_

"Correct, sir." Brian said.

"And you know what sex means? Sex equals death. Which these two deserve right now for breaking the rules." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then things start to heat up literally when Michael decides to turn up the heat.**

 _ **Karen (Played by Pamela Susan Shoop): Whoo! It's hot in here.**_

 _ **Budd: It's just me.**_

 _ **Karen: I'm not kidding. It's too hot in here now. Why don't you go check it?**_

 _ **Budd: It's cold out there.**_

"I'm gonna suffer from shrinkage like George Costanza. I need to stay big." Sean said, imitating Budd.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Budd gets out and goes to the other room to check on the temperature and Michael goes Agent 47 on his ass by garroting him and then he toys with Karen for a bit before we get one of the best kills of the movie.**

 _ **Karen: Now, Budd, don't be that way.**_

 **(Karen sees Michael and starts screaming. Michael then proceeds to dunk Karen into the scalding hot water until the skin on her face blisters and boils, killing her)**

"Read the actress got some kind of ear infection from the water." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Loomis, Hunt and several officers investigate a break-in at Haddonfield Elementary, where Michael made a stop at and they find traces of blood on several desks and a butcher knife sticking through a crayon drawing of Judith Myers. But what's this? They find a message on the blackboard written in blood.**

 **(They see the word "Samhain" written on the blackboard in blood)**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Samhaim.**_

"Uh, doc. I hate to burst your bubble here but I think it's pronounced "sowin"." Sean said, pronouncing the word Samhain correctly.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: It means the Lord of the Dead. The end of summer.**_

"Darkness! It means the Lord of Darkness." Sean said, correcting Loomis once more.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: The Festival of Samhain.**_

"You fu… sowin!" Sean yelled out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But their little history lesson on Samhain is interrupted when Marion Chambers arrives. She's once again played by Nancy Stephens.**

"Fun fact: she's married to the film's director Rick Rosenthal." Sean pointed out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) She's here to pick Dr. Loomis up and to take him back to Smith's Grove and away from Haddonfield under the governor's order. Back at the hospital, we see that the medication they gave Laurie left her wide-eyed and unresponsive, so Janet runs to Dr. Mixter's office, who's not responding.**

 _ **Janet: Dr. Mixter?**_

 **(Janet spins Dr. Mixter's chair around, only to find him dead with a needle sticking out his eye)**

"Hey, I guess he saw that one coming." Sean said as a comedic drum roll rimshot plays in the background.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael comes out and attacks Janet from behind by injecting her with a needle into her temple and kills her. Then, Michael goes to Laurie's room to kill her but he ends up stabbing a pillow repeatedly with the scalpel. But hey, Laurie escapes with only a cracked leg and still suffering from the side effects from the medication and hides out in a room. Meanwhile, Jill and Jimmy start to realize that they can't find anyone in the hospital, and Jimmy tries to find some signs for life until he finds Mrs. Alves tied to the operating table where she becomes a victim to one of Michael's specialty kills…. Having an I.V. running out of her arm and drained of her blood, then this happens.**

 **(Jimmy turns around to get help, but slips in Mrs. Alves' blood and falls to the floor, knocking himself out unconscious)**

"I guess that's where Martin Scorsese inspired that scene where Nick Nolte slips and falls in Joe Don Baker's blood in the 1991 remake of _Cape Fear_." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Nurse Jill runs to her car to get some help, only to find that her car has been sabotaged and her tires slashed along with the other vehicles. So, the smart thing she does is run back inside and finds Laurie and a surprise visitor.**

 _ **Nurse Jill Franco (Played by Tawny Moyer): Laurie!**_

 **(Laurie, who's still in a daze turns around and sees Nurse Jill)**

 _ **Nurse Jill Franco: Laurie! Laurie, wait.**_

 **(Laurie tries to walk away)**

 _ **Nurse Jill Franco: Wait! Laurie!**_

 **(Michael comes up behind Nurse Jill and stabs her in the back with a scalpel, lifting her up)**

"Okay, how the fuck is that even possible?" Sean asked.

"You expect her to run while she's zonked out on pain meds?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And she does and Michael chases her (in his slo-mo voice) very slowly, (in his normal voice) but Laurie manages to escape and make her way outside only to hide in a car. Meanwhile, Loomis is in the car with Marion about to leave Haddonfield when she drops a stunning revelation to Dr. Loomis.**

 _ **Marion Chambers (Played by Nancy Stephens): That girl, that Strode girl, that's Michael Myers' sister. She was born two years before he was committed. Two years after, his parents died and she was adopted by the Strodes. They requested that the records be sealed in order to protect the family.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Geez! Don't you see what he's doing here in Haddonfield? He killed one sister 15 years ago, now he's trying to kill the other!**_

"Cue the franchise being ruined." Brian said,

"What a twist! The most stupidest twist I've ever heard in my life! There's jumping the shark, nuking the fridge, frying the Coke and then there's this. Laurie is Michael's sister? Are you kidding me?! And yeah, remember when I said that John Carpenter and Debra Hill wrote this movie. Hell, John Carpenter called the sibling twist a terrible and stupid idea and this is a true story, he was drunk when he came up with the plot development. He said in an article for Dread Central and I quote…" Sean said.

" **Well, okay. Here's how it was. I made** _ **Halloween**_ **, and then** _ **Halloween**_ **was sold to NBC to show it. But it was too short- they needed it to be a certain length. So I had to go back and shoot some more footage to make it longer. And I was absolutely stuck. I didn't know what to do. I mean, the movie is the movie- I don't want to touch it. But everybody will be happy with me, and they'll make money, and that's great. So I had to come up with something. I think it was, perhaps, a late night fueled by alcoholic beverages, was the idea. A terrible, stupid idea! But that's what we did."**

 **-John Carpenter**

"So yeah, because of some liquid courage, the sister twist was incorporated into the extended TV version of Halloween and carried on throughout the sequels and the Rob Zombie reboots." Sean said, taking a sip of Heineken.

"Worst. Twist. Ever." Brian said in his Comic Book Guy voice.

"So, Carpenter admits that he fouled up. Blame it on the alcohol, baby." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Loomis learns that Michael's headed to the hospital to finish the job, so he orders the marshal to turn the car around… at gunpoint.**

 _ **Marshal (Played by the late John Zenda): Doctor, you're getting yourself into a lot of trouble.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: What do you fellows usually do? Fire a warning shot, right?**_

 **(Loomis shoots out the car window)**

"Jesus! Calm down, doc. You're getting carried away with the gun." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But hey, on the plus side, Jimmy is still alive but he ends up passing out in the car. Jamie crawls out of the car, only to see the marshal's vehicle arriving. So, she tries to call them but they won't hear her.**

 _ **Laurie Strode: (Muttering) Me. Help. Help.**_

 **(Dr. Loomis, Marion and the marshal enter the hospital)**

 _ **Laurie Strode: (Screaming) Help me!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Yeah, wait till they go inside then start screaming for help.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, that doesn't matter when Michael appears and finds her, forcing Laurie to run to the door. They Laurie inside and Michael bursts in by walking through the door.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Michael Myers) Oh, yeah!**

 **(Dr. Loomis shoots Michael multiple times until Michael collapses to the floor)**

"And that moment, Michael Myers is stone cold dead." Brian said.

"Wait, Bri. There's a third rule on how to successfully survive a horror movie sequel. This one's a sequel. We got a bigger body count, the death scenes are more elaborate with more blood and gore. And rule number three is never, ever, under any circumstances assume the killer is dea… oh, no." Sean said, with the look of fear on his face.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Get away from him!**_

 _ **Marshal: But he stopped breathing.**_

"Get away from him, you…" Sean warned.

 **(Michael springs up and slit's the marshal's throat with the scalpel)**

"You stupid son of a bitch!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Michael kills the marshal, he chases Dr. Loomis and Laurie into a room. Loomis tries to fire and he find…**

 **(The gun click. Much to Loomis' horror, he is out of bullets)**

"Well, what do you know? No more buwwets." Brian said, imitating Elmer Fudd and starts laughing like him.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Michael stabs Loomis in the stomach and then he goes after Laurie, only to be greeted by getting shot in the eyes, making him cry tears of blood.**

"Which will be an iconic image for the collector's edition DVD." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Michael blinded, Dr. Loomis who's seriously injured, loosens the valve on a canister of ether and Laurie does the same, filling the room with gas as Laurie escapes the room. Then, Dr. Loomis goes out like the most badass motherfucker ever when he says one of my favorite lines in the movie.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: It's time, Michael.**_

 **(Loomis lights his lighter as the room explodes)**

"And at that moment, Michael Myers is truly, positively, stone-cold dea…" Sean said.

 **(Michael, who's engulfed in flames, stumbles out of the room)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, shit!**

 **(Michael collapses to the floor and dies)**

"Now, he's dead!" Sean yelled out. "Until he comes back in _Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers_."

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, Laurie lives and so does Jimmy Lloyd, in the alternate ending in the TV version of the film, and a bunch of babies in the maternity ward.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with a shot of Michael burning in flames and the song Mr. Sandman playing. Roll credits, the end.**

"And that was _Halloween II_. Okay, so it's not as good as the original but I still like it. What about you, Brian?" Sean asked.

"Loved it, man." Brian said.

 **(Clips from the film start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film was a box office success, grossing over $25 million domestically, but it was criticized by the film critics because of the violence and gore. And I respect John Carpenter and Debra Hill for making a respectable sequel, even though the plot twist was dumb and the re-enactment at the beginning of the film was half-assed. But on the plus side, Jamie Lee Curtis's acting was pretty good and Donald Pleasence is brilliant as always as well as his scenes and Dr. Loomis' dialogue. For his first time directing, Rick Rosenthal did a pretty good job directing this movie. I wish I could say the same for** _ **Resurrection**_ **. The kills were creative as well.**

" _Resurrection_ , the one _Halloween_ film John Carpenter said he hated." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film was intended to be the last chapter of the** _ **Halloween**_ **series to revolve around Michael Myers and the town of Haddonfield. And because of how poorly** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **did, Michael Myers was brought back six years later. And trust me, before Halloween Havoc ends, we'll talk about** _ **Halloween III**_ **. Watching this film, I enjoyed watching it and I had a lot of fun watching it. If it was on TV or on a movie channel like HBO, Cinemax or Encore I'll watch it. Hell, I even own it on DVD as a double feature with** _ **Halloween III**_ **.**

"Cool, dude." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) If you liked Halloween and wanted to see more of the night he came home, then check this one out. If you can get through the stupid plot twist.** _ **Halloween II**_ **gets 3 Ben Tramers hit by a car out of 5.**

"That's it for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm Brian." Brian said.

"And we'll see you guys next time." Sean said as the review ends.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **It's time, Michael.**_

 **And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Halloween II**_ **. Thanks to Boris Yeltsin for co-reviewing it with me. He will be co-reviewing** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **with me. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, I will be reviewing a Stephen King film adaptation of your choosing. Which one should I review: the 1983 film** _ **Christine**_ **or the 1984 film** _ **Firestarter**_ **? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to co-review a movie with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	40. Episode Thirty-Six: Christine

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to a new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, I will be taking a look at the 1983 film from two masters of horror Stephen King and director John Carpenter. And of course I'm talking about** _ **Christine**_ **. But I won't be reviewing this movie alone, it's another co-review with fellow writer Boris Yeltsin. Let's see if this movie still holds up or if Sean's going to make fun of Stephen King and his favorite director. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **Christine**_ **is owned by Columbia Pictures and Polar Film.**

 **Episode Thirty-Six**

 **Christine**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **intro starts before the review begins)**

Sean aka the Mayhem Critic are both seen sitting on the couch in Sean's living room once again.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean introduces himself.

"And I'm Sean's friend Brian." Brian said.

"And welcome back to another installment of _Halloween Havoc_." Sean said and starts laughing in a sinister way while lightning strikes and the sound of an eerie organ playing. "Hey kids, do you know what time it is? It's John Carpenter Time!"

 **(To the sound of children cheering, we are treated to a shot of John Carpenter in a Mr. Rogers outfit while the words "John Carpenter Time!" pops up. Then we cut to some of John Carpenter's films, like "The Thing" and "Halloween")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about my favorite director? He's given us great movies after great movies…**

 **(Cut to a montage of some more of his films, such as** _ **The Ward**_ **,** _ **Ghosts of Mars**_ **,** _ **Memoirs of an Invisible Man**_ **,** _ **They Live**_ **,** _ **Village of the Damned**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) …and some of his films in later years tends to be silly. Now, I was going to review** _ **Village of the Damned**_ **for today but I found something much better from him.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) And from Stephen King. The perfect team-up ever since he and George A. Romero brought us** _ **Creepshow**_ **.**

"And today's film teaches us the most important rule: never get between a man and his car. This is _Christine_." Sean said.

 **(The title screen is shown and as well as clips from the film)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 9, 1983 and based on the novel of the same name,** _ **Christine**_ **tells the story about a killer Plymouth Fury and it's effects on the car's new teenage owner, who starts to act as evil like his car.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opened to a lukewarm reception among critics and despite it's reviews the film gained a cult following just like** _ **The Thing**_ **back in 1982.**

"But hey, what can you expect from Stephen King and John Carpenter? I mean, Stephen King brought us this." Sean said.

 **(A clip from Stephen King's** _ **The Langoliers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Craig Toomey (Played by Bronson Pinchot): Scaring the little girl?!**_

"And John Carpenter brought us this." Brian said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Assault on Precinct 13**_ **, the 1976 version is shown)**

 _ **Kathy (Played by Kim Richards): I wanted vanilla twist.**_

 **(White Warlord, played by the late Frank Doubleday, shoots Kathy)**

 **Sean: (V/O as White Warlord) Well, you're getting strawberry!**

"We're in good hands." Sean said with a smile on his face. "This is _Christine_."

 **(The title of the movie is shown, then we see that it says it's "A Richard Kobritz Production")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the film kindly let's us know that it's "A Richard Kobritz Production". Well, thank you movie. That's nice of you to let us know. Why would you let us know that it's produced by this Richard Kobritz guy? We know that he produced** _ **Salem's Lot**_ **.**

"Why don't you let us know that Lou Scheimer produced the movie?" Sean asked.

 **(We see the title of the movie. Instead of it saying "A Richard Kobritz Production", it says "A Lou Scheimer Production")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts in the year 1957, where the titular Christine is being built while they play the most badass song ever.**

 **(George Thorogood's** _ **Bad to the Bone**_ **starts playing)**

We cut to Sean and Brian, who are now both wearing sunglasses and Sean is seen playing the guitar and Brian is playing the drums with Sean singing the song.

"Best song ever." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Everything's looking great at building, until…**

 **(A line worker inspecting Christine's front end until the hood of the car slams down on his hand. Then we cut to another worker who climbs in to sit behind the wheel, letting the ash from his cigar drop on the front seat. Later, the line supervisor finds the worker dead)**

"This must be the new feature in the MagnaVolt." Sean said.

 **(We see the worker fall to the floor dead and freeze up on him before the words "MagnaVolt 2.0. More lethal than ever." is shown on the screen)**

 **Sean: (as Announcer) MagnaVolt 2.0. More lethal than ever.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) When then cut to the year 1978 in Rockbridge, California. Twenty-one years after we've seen Christine's reign of terror. We're 1introduced to our hero of this movie Dennis Guilder, played by John Stockwell from** _ **My Science Project**_ **and you probably might recognize him as Cougar from** _ **Top Gun**_ **. And his friend Arnie Cunningham, played by Keith Gordon from** _ **Jaws 2**_ **and Brian De Palma's thriller** _ **Dressed to Kill**_ **. Arnie is like Christopher Reeve from** _ **Superman III**_ **.**

 **(A photo of Christopher Reeve as Superman/Clark Kent is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Which came out the same year as this movie.**

"Arnie's your typical geek, acne and all, as we'll see." Brian said.

"And Arnie is also the shy and awkward kid. Like every other kid in a Stephen King movie." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And with Dennis being the handsome football player, things are much easier for him when he has John Travolta's wife flirting with him. And we're also introduced to the new girl in school named Leigh Cabot, played by Alexandra Paul from** _ **Baywatch**_ **. And we get some choice words from Bemis, played by Douglas Warhit.**

 _ **Bemis (Played by Douglas Warhit): (On Leigh) Give me something for my lap, will ya.**_

 _ **Mr. Smith (Played by Bruce French): We have one heck of a good marching band. Went to the Rose Parade last year. Not a bad way to meet boys.**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot (Played by Alexandra Paul): I would like to get involved with the yearbook.**_

 _ **Bemis: (To Dennis) So, what do you think about admitting Red China into the U.N.?**_

 _ **Dennis Guilder (Played by John Stockwell): I think we already did that.**_

"And that's one way to make hot girls think that you're smart. Try talking about communist China in the U.N." Sean said.

 _ **Bemis: I want to have deep, meaningful sex with her.**_

"Oh, that's good of you to let us know." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Things are much easier in school for Dennis than they are for Arnie, who's not only ignored by the ladies but he's also the target of the school bully named Buddy Repperton, played by William Ostrander. Who I swear Buddy looks like he's too old to be in high school. Arnie is also terrorized by Buddy's gang: Moochie played by Malcolm Danare from** _ **The Lords of Discipline**_ **and** _ **Godzilla**_ **, Don Vandenberg played by Stuart Charno who you might recognize him as Ted from** _ **Friday the 13th Part 2**_ **and Rich played by….**

 **(Sean recognizes Rich's portrayer)**

"That dude with the Jewfro looks very familiar." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **, the 1984 version, is shown)**

 _ **Male Student (Played by Steven Tash): The effect? I'll tell you what the effect is. It's pissing me off!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks. That's Steven Tash from** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **playing Rich, one of the bullies in Buddy's gang.**

"Ugh, high school bullies. Am I right?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's not a Stephen King movie if the bullies weren't borderline psychotic.**

 **(Buddy pulls out a switchblade and sticks it in Arnie's lunch, ripping the bag open, causing his lunch to spill out all over the floor)**

"Boy, I am so tempted to play the Stephen King drinking game right about now." Sean said.

 _ **Buddy Repperton (Played by William Ostrander): Come on. You want to go for it?**_

"Boy, and they almost gave the part of Buddy to Nicolas Cage. That dude is borderline psychotic." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of borderline psychotic…**

 **(Moochie grabs Dennis from behind and grabs his crotch)**

"Geez! That dude should get a part in Disney's _The Nutcracker_." Sean winced.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But before the bullies get a bucket of pig's blood and pour it on Arnie, a teacher arrives to break up the fight and Buddy gets kicked out for carrying a blade and threatening to use it on Arnie.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After an exciting first day of school, Dennis drives Arnie home and on the way home, Arnie spots the used, badly battered Christine outside the home of…**

 **(The music from** _ **Home Alone**_ **plays as Sean and Brian recognize George LeBay's portrayer)**

 _ **George LeBay (Played by the late Roberts Blossom): She'll start. You need these.**_

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH! THE SOUTHBEND SHOVEL SLAYER!" Sean and Brian both screamed out as Brian ducks down and Sean jumps off of the couch and runs out of the room.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Yes, that's Roberts Blossom from Home Alone and no he's not playing the Shovel Slayer in this one. He plays George LeBay. Now, Sean and I are going to talk about some changes from the original book. Blossom plays George LeBay, who in the book is the brother of the former owner of Christine, Roland LeBay, who was the ghost who possesses Arnie and turns him evil.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) However in the movie, Roland was completely removed and George is simply a name drop and the car itself is what is focused on and the car being the primary villain.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, back to the movie, Arnie is interested in buying Christine and LeBay tells him about the car.**

 _ **George LeBay: My asshole brother bought her back in September, '57. That's when you got your new model year in September. Brand-new, she was. She had the smell of a brand-new car. That's just about the finest smell in the world, except maybe for pussy.**_

"He's right." Sean pointed out, smirking naughtily.

 **Sean: (Narrating) George agrees to sell Christine and Arnie buys her, much to Dennis' dismay and Dennis tries to save his best friend from a crazy old man screwing him.**

 _ **Dennis Guilder: Hey. Look mister, would you give Arnie a break? He's just a stupid kid he doesn't know what he's doing.**_

 _ **George LeBay: You don't know half as much as you think you do… shitter.**_

"Now, get out of my face or I'll knock your fucking head off with a shovel." Sean said, imitating George LeBay.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back at Arnie's house, Arnie tells his parents, played by Christine Belford and the late Robert Darnell, that he bought Christine and they're not too thrilled about it.**

 _ **Regina Cunningham (Played by Christine Belford): You can't buy a car. What in the world are you talking about? You're 17 years old.**_

"Actually, Keith Gordon was 21 years old at the time this movie was filmed. So yeah, he can buy a car." Sean said.

 _ **Regina Cunningham: You could've consulted with us.**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: You know, I've consulted with you about every damn thing I've ever done. I mean, everything in this house is a committee meeting. If it's something I want, then I get outvoted, two to one! Well, this is no committee meeting. I bought the car, and that's it!**_

 _ **Regina Cunningham: You are not keeping any car at this house.**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Fine!**_

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We cut to a shot of a house in Delhi township, where we see Brian's parents Bob and Sherry, watching television as Brian crashes his car into the house)**

 **Bob: What the? What's the matter with you?!**

 **(Brian gets out of the car)**

 **Brian: This one's on the house, mom!**

 **(Brian runs upstairs)**

 **Sherry: Now you're being ridiculous, Brian!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The boys drive Christine to a local junkyard that's owned by a customer service-focused and very grumpy Art Carney….**

"Uh, dude." Brian said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"That's not Art Carney." Brian said.

"That's not?" Sean asked, then realized a little mix-up he made with the actor's names. "Oh, wait that's Robert Prosky. I forgot, Art Carney was in _Firestarter_ a year later after _Christine_ was released. Almost had myself a little Nostalgia Critic moment when he mixed up Art Carney with Robert Prosky in his _Last Action Hero_ review."

 **Brian: (Narrating) This is Will Darnell, the owner of Darnell's Do-It-Yourself Garage, he's played by the late Robert Prosky. And we see that this guy is very serious at his job and he doesn't take any shit from young punks like Arnie.**

 _ **Will Darnell (Played by the late Robert Prosky): I don't take any shit from you kids. This place is for working stiffs, gotta keep their cars runnin' so they can keep bread on the table. It's not for rich-assed, snot-nosed kids want to go draggin' on the Orange Belt. I don't allow no smoking in here neither. You want a butt then go out in the junkyard.**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Oh, I don't smoke.**_

 _ **Will Darnell: Don't interrupt me, punk. Don't interrupt me. Don't get smart.**_

"Do you want to see the latest Jack Slater movie?" Sean asked, imitating Will Darnell and making a reference to the 1993 film _Last Action Hero_ , which starred Robert Prosky.

"Uh, ye…." Brian said before Sean interrupts him.

"Shut your pie hole!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Over the next few nights, we see that Arnie's been busy restoring Christine to her former glory and as he does his fondness for the car become a bit more than just a man and his machine. Hell, it even comes to the point where he changes his appearance and his personality, even blowing off his friends and talking back to his parents.**

 _ **Regina Cunningham: Arnold Cunningham, you are going to find yourself with no friends at all if you keep treating people this way.**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Get off my back!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Arnie's mother Regina becomes worried about her son and she tells Dennis some shocking news about the car's previous owner, Roland. He died from carbon monoxide poisoning while sitting in the car. So, Dennis goes to confront Roland's brother George after learning the truth about his brother and George LeBay tells him about the car's dark past.**

 _ **George LeBay: He had a five-year-old daughter choked to death in it. He wouldn't get rid of her.**_

"Also, Roland had a wife named Rita, who died the same way as Roland." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, at least Dennis has the new girl he can try to flirt with. That's not gonna bring him down.**

 _ **Dennis Guilder: Listen, do you like music?**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot: Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Dennis Guilder: What about dancing?**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot: (Nods her head and smiles) Yes.**_

 _ **Dennis Guilder: Do you think you might want to go dancing with me like, I don't know, maybe this Friday night after the game?**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot: I'm sorry. I can't.**_

"I've seen you in _Top Gun_. You've lost your edge." Brian said, imitating Leigh Cabot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, it turns out that Arnie is dating the new girl Leigh. I knew that it's true. The nerdy guys always gets the hot chicks. And when Dennis sees the two of them together, this happens.**

 **(Dennis knocked down by a football player, suffering a very serious injury, then we cut to a shot of Christine)**

"Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen King's most devious creation: a car that murders people and sabotages football games. Damn, so much for my fifty bucks. I was gonna use that to buy _Red Dead Redemption 2."_ Sean pouted.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The hit was so hard, that it nearly paralyzed Dennis from the waist down. Arnie and Dennis start talking again and he sees that Arnie has drastically changed.**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Has it ever occurred to you that part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids?**_

"What the?" Brian asked.

"Hey, this is the King Universe. You have crazy parents trying to kill their kids." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Arnie and Leigh are out on a date at the drive-in. Ah, the drive-in. The place to watch movies in your car and make-out with your girl in the car. What the hell happened?**

 **(We see Netflix pop up)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) But their little make-out session stops when Leigh calls Arnie out on his obsession with the car.**

 _ **Leigh Cabot: You care more about that car than you care about me.**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: That's crazy, Leigh.**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot: Who do you spend more time with?**_

"Geez, she's starting to sound like my girlfriend Taylor every time I play my Xbox One X." Sean said.

"Or my girlfriend Cheryl." Brian said.

"What does she complain about?" Sean asked.

"The time I spend reading about politics." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And it looks like the feeling's mutual when Leigh gets jealous of Christine. Hmm, and I thought that girls weren't supposed to be jealous of cars. And Christine tries to kill Leigh by making her choke to death on a hamburger.**

 **(Leigh starts choking on her hamburger)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Christine) Arnie is mine. You can't have him. I will kill you, you filthy slut. Arnie will be mine. Forever and…**

 **(A man pulls Leigh out of the car and administers the Heimlich maneuver on her)**

"Well, that's great that there's somebody that knows the Heimlich maneuver because Arnie just stood there like an idiot. And second, it almost look like that the guy was humping her." Sean said.

"History is repeating itself. That's how Roland's daughter died." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After their deadly date, Arnie drops Leigh off at her house and she refuses to ever to get into Christine again.**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't you blame your choking on Christine.**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot: It happened, Arnie. When I choked, something happened. The radio came on. Everything got bright.**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: So, what are you saying?**_

"Yeah, babe? So what are you saying?" Sean asked.

"It's either me or the car. With me, you can have sex with. With the car, you can't have sex with it because it's not me." Taylor said.

 **(We see Arnie trying to start up Christine. She doesn't start)**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Come on. Come on, Christine.**_

 **(Christine doesn't start)**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Come on, baby, please. It's all right. Everything is the same.**_

 **(Arnie starts the car as the radio comes on after it starts)**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: (Smiles) Okay.**_

"Forget about her, Christine. She doesn't mean anything to me. You're the only one for me." Sean said, imitating Arnie. "Now, how about a little music?"

Sean turns the radio on as Tiny Tim's _Living in the Sunlight_ starts playing. Sean smiles as he continues to listen to the song.

"Ooh, Christine. You naughty little minx." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Arnie tucks Christine away at Darnell's until Buddy Repperton and his cronies break in to get revenge for his expulsion and…**

 **(We see that Christine has been vandalized)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! Boy, they really did a number on her. Well, I think that Arnie's gonna take it pretty well. I mean, it's just a ca…**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: (After Leigh tries to comfort him) Don't touch me, shitter! This is just what you wanted! You get away from her! Get away from her!**_

"Jesus! Well, that answered my question." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After taking his anger out on his girlfriend and his parents, Arnie tries to repair Christine and she shows off her power in all of it's sexy glory.**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Okay. Show me.**_

 **(Christine begins to repair herself in front of Arnie as sensual music start playing in the background)**

"From what I've heard, this scene was supposed to emulate a striptease. I can't see that working out in real life." Brian said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Cheryl: Hey, Brian. Want to see me fix my broken leg?**

 **Brian: Sure, babe. I would love to see….**

 **(Cheryl fixes her broken leg as Brian screams in horror)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Christine repaired, she goes on a rampage for revenge and the first person she goes after is the fat one.**

 _ **Moochie (Played by Malcolm Danare): (Sees Christine) Is that you, Cunningham? Hey, you ain't mad, are ya?**_

 **(Christine flashes her headlights at Moochie)**

"Does that answer your question?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) I like how Christine has her windows tinted so you can't actually tell if it's anyone driving the car.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I especially like how this scene is shot and the music as well. The music kinda reminds me of the music score from** _ **Halloween III**_ **. Without the annoying song.**

 **(Sean and Brian listen to the music score while Christine chases Moochie)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Christine corners Moochie in an alleyway and manages kill him. This murder catches the attention of Detective Rudolph Junkins, played by the late Harry Dean Stanton, and he question Arnie's whereabouts and inspects Christine, much to Arnie's chagrin.**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Okay, so what do you want, huh?**_

 _ **Det. Rudolph Junkins (Played by the late Harry Dean Stanton): I really like this shade of red, Arnie. Didn't think they still made this anymore. Do they? They still make this shade?**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Well, they must. I mean. I bought it, didn't I?**_

"Stick with your story, kid. It's not a lie if you believe it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we see Buddy and Rich at a liquor store liquor and while they're driving away, they notice that someone is following them.**

 _ **Rich (Played by Steven Tash): (Looks back and gives the person following them the finger) Asshole.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Yeah, not a wise choice to flip off a killer car!**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Turns out it's Christine that's following them. She follows them to gas station where Vandenberg is at and she continues her reign of terror.**

 **(Christine smashes into Buddy Repperton's car)**

"Noooooo! Not the Camaro! What were you thinking?!" Sean cried out.

 _ **Don Vandenberg (Played by Stuart Charno): Is that Cunningham?**_

 _ **Buddy Repperton: It can't be. Look at my car. Come on, prick! We're not finished yet. Come on!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Rich) Is it a circle? Is it a star? Is it Madelaine Petsch being extremely hot? (Screams)**

 **(Christine hits Rich by driving Repperton's car into him)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters '84**_ **plays)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): I'm sorry. This isn't your lucky day.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Christine triggers a gas station explosion that kills two of Repperton's cronies and Repperton is left standing, running on foot while Christine chases him while she's on fire.**

"Now, that's what I call hot wheels." Sean said as a comedic drum roll riff plays.

 **(We see Christine, who's set on fire, chasing Buddy Repperton while he's running away from her)**

"Uh, dude. Jump out of the way. She's gonna kill you. Jump out of the way. Jump out…." Sean said.

 **(Christine runs Buddy Repperton over. We see his burning corpse on the road)**

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Performers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **John Enos: You stupid son of a bitch.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Christine finishes her reign of terror, the badly burned car entered the junkyard while Darnell is there. You know, I have to ask this question: how many Plymouth Furies did they go through while filming this movie?**

"Well, from what I read. Zero. Even though Christine is famous for being a Plymouth Fury, all twenty-eight cars that would play her in the film were actually either a Plymouth Belvedere or a Plymouth Savoy. That's a little fun fact for you." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Darnell becomes an idiot and climbs in to the car and sits behind the wheel, only to find him crushed to death when Christine pushes the driver's seat forward.**

 **(Christine pushes the driver's seat forward and kills Darnell by crushing him to death)**

"Oh, no. Don't kill Robert Prosky. Chris Columbus needs him for Mrs. Doubtfire ten years later." Sean said.

"Notice the song playing in the background?" Brian asked.

Sean begins to notice the song playing on the radio.

"Yep. Bony Maronie by Larry Williams." Sean said

 **Sean: (Narrating) Arnie arrives at the junkyard, only to find Detective Junkins there and tells him that his boss is dead and he becomes suspicious of Arnie. Meanwhile, Dennis and Leigh are both worried about Arnie, who keeps getting crazier and crazier and crazier. You'll see why. And this scares the shit out of Dennis when he tries to talk to him about his obsession with Christine.**

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: You know, when someone believes in you, man. You can do anything. Any fucking thing in the entire universe and when you believe right back in that someone then watch out, world, 'cause nobody can stop you! Then nobody, ever!**_

 _ **Dennis Guilder: How do you feel this way about Leigh?**_

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: (Chuckles) What? Fuck, no! I'm talkin' about Christine, man. No shitter ever came between me and Christine.**_

"Christ, Arnie! All I wanted to do was to go out for a Frosty and fries at Wendy's." Sean said.

 _ **Arnie Cunningham: Oh, man. There is nothin' finer than being behind the wheel of your own car, except maybe for pussy.**_

"Dude, all I wanted was a burger and a beer. I like cars as much as the next guy, but seriously." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After having enough of Arnie's nonsense with the car, Dennis and Leigh challenge Christine to a final showdown at Darnell's and it looks like that Christine is a no-show.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. I guess she's too chicken to show….**

 **(Christine flashes her headlights as Leigh turns around)**

"Clever girl." Sean said, imitating the character Muldoon from Jurassic Park.

 **Brian: (Narrating) It's at this point that it's revealed that Arnie is the one driving Christine and what brings an end to their reign of terror?**

 **(Arnie drives Christine through Darnell's office in an attempt to get Leigh, but then finds himself thrown out of the car)**

 **Brian: (V/O as Announcer) No seatbelt. No excuse. This has been a public service announcement for the Mayhem Seatbelt Coalition.**

"The book was better. He fights off Roland while on a drive with his mother, but dies in a car accident." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After being thrown of a car's windshield and getting impaled in the gut with a shard of glass, Arnie dies. With her owner dead, Christine tries to kill Leigh, but then Dennis destroys Christine with a bulldozer, several times until she's unable to regenerate and crushing her into a cube. Dennis, Leigh and Detective Junkins watch on as Christine is dropped into the junkyard.**

 _ **Det. Rudolph Junkins: I wouldn't feel so bad, if I were you. You two are heroes, you know.**_

 _ **Dennis Guilder: Yeah. A real hero could've saved Arnie.**_

 _ **Leigh Cabot: We didn't do so hot.**_

 _ **Det. Rudolph Junkins: Some things can't be helped. Some people too.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) With Dennis and Leigh being heroes, they all live happily ever….**

 **(Dennis, Leigh and Detective Junkins hear music playing. They look at Christine, who's a cube, thinking that there's music playing coming from her. The camera pans only to reveal a junkyard worker carrying a boombox while listening to music)**

 _ **Leigh Cabot: God, I hate rock and roll.**_

"You said it, sister. But you know what they say, "Rock and roll will never die."." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with a shot of Christine and we see a piece of the front grille unbending itself. Cut, print, roll credits and play me off George Thorogood!**

 **(We see the credits roll while** _ **Bad to the Bone**_ **starts playing)**

"And that was John Carpenter's _Christine_. I really like this movie." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I loved the artistic style of the film, from the bright colors to the dark tones itself. The music is an important factor as well and aside from** _ **Halloween II'**_ **s music score, which John Carpenter and Alan Howarth composed the music for, this one is my favorite.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) This movie is pretty good, even though it has it's silly moment. The acting is well done from most of the cast as well as the cinematography and great visuals. The film got mixed reviews from critics and it's a cult classic.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Heck,** _ **Billy & Mandy **_**did a parody of** _ **Christine**_ **in an episode called** _ **Tricycle of Terror**_ **. Look it up. Most of the Stephen King adaptations to movies tend to be lame but with Christine, it's the best. I considered it to be my favorite along with** _ **Firestarter, Cujo**_ **, It (2017),** _ **Carrie**_ **and** _ **Pet Sematary**_ **. But hey, if you want me to make fun of a Stephen King movie, then let me make fun of** _ **Sleepwalkers**_ **. That's a movie that Mick Garris directed. That one was pretty silly. All and all, a pretty good film adaptation from King and Carpenter, giving it 4 Plymouth Furies out of 5.**

"God, I reviewed four movies that got good ratings from me. This is making it too easy for me. Come on, give me something for me to rant on. Something for me to lose my mind. Something that I talked about wanting to review because I really want to rant about it. Come on, give it to me!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The trailer for** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **is shown)**

 **Announcer:** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **. The night no one comes home.**

We then cut to Sean and Brian screaming in horror after seeing the trailer for the next movie to review for Halloween Havoc.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Okay. Show me.**_

 **And that was it for the review on John Carpenter's** _ **Christine**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Next time, Sean ends** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **with what could be the worst Halloween sequel ever made… or is it? And of course I'm talking about** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch.**_ **Will Sean lose his mind from reviewing it? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I would like to thank fellow writer Boris Yeltsin for co-reviewing this movie with me. I'll see you guys for the next chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	41. Episode Thirty-Seven: Halloween III

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today,** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **concludes when Sean takes a look at the third film in the** _ **Halloween**_ **film series. The only movie in the series not to feature Michael Myers. This is gonna suck…big time. Or does it? Let's hope that Sean doesn't loses his mind while reviewing it. So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one, here's the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **is owned by Universal Pictures, Moustapha Akkad and Dino Di Laurentiis Corporation.**

 **Episode Thirty-Seven**

 **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **title sequence is shown)**

We open on Sean aka the Mayhem Critic in his blue shirt and Old Navy varsity jacket and his Jack Skellington hat, but looking frustrated as his hand rests on his cheek before taking a sip of his hot apple cider.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said and sighs a bit. "And seeing though _Halloween Havoc_ is coming to an end. And I'm not looking forward to this. I want to ask you, do I have to? I-I mean, think about it. Do I have to do this? Do I even have to review this? Is there anything that I could say about this god-awful piece of buffalo crap that no one else had said already? Is there possibly anything that I could bring to the table? Just think about it. Well, screw it. This is the gateway to madness. This is the movie that blatantly calls itself _Halloween III: Season of the Witch_. God help me."

 **(The title for the movie is shown followed by clips along with clips from Halloween II)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the release of** _ **Halloween II**_ **, the studio wanted to stray away from bringing Michael Myers back, so after they killed him off in the second film, Halloween director John Carpenter and producer Debra Hill wanted to make the Halloween series an anthology series that takes place on Halloween.**

"Which, I have to admit it was pretty awesome." Sean said. "And I mean, a lot of crazy shit could happen on Halloween night."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The possibilities for scary stories are endless.**

 **(The** _ **Halloween III**_ **poster is shown, as well as fan-made titles)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **, you could've gotten** _ **Halloween IV: The Demon Within**_ **,** _ **Halloween V: The Turning**_ **,** _ **Halloween VI: The Blood of the Innocent**_ **.**

"But it went downhill from there." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Instead, we got a plot involving an Irish toy guru delivering masks around the world to children and a certain ad kills them while they're wearing the masks on Halloween night.**

"And when I first saw this movie when I was like ten years old and they were showing it on AMC's Fear Fest back in 2002, I was reading the info where the plot involves exploding masks that were created by a madman. I was interested. And after I watched it, I was disappointed and I think I might've lost a couple of brain cells from watching it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just saying the title of the movie would just piss me off even more. Oh, yeah. That's how much I hate that movie.**

"Aside from the fact that it's a Halloween movie without Michael Myers. I mean, you can't have a _Halloween_ movie without Michael Myers." Sean said.

 **(We see posters for the** _ **Nightmare on Elm Street**_ **movies and the** _ **Friday the 13th**_ **movies)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's like doing a Nightmare on Elm Street movie without Freddy Kruger. It's like doing a** _ **Friday the 13th**_ **movie without Jason Voorheeves. Oh, wait. They did do that** _ **with Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning**_ **…. And it sucked! But it did have a high body count, though.**

"But hey, if I'm going to end _Halloween Havoc_ by losing my mind, then I'm taking you with me." Sean said, in a demonic voice. "Well, let's not waste anytime. Let's enter the gateway to madness. This is _Halloween III: Season of the Witch_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with….**

"Hold on. If I'm going to review a bad Halloween film. Then, I'm gotta have my Jameson." Sean said as he opens up a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey and pours some in his apple cider, then takes a sip. "Alright, let's continue." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens without the iconic Halloween theme showing what's being made on the television screen and I have to say, the only good thing I like about this movie is the music.**

 **(We listen to the movie's music while the main credits are going)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that this film had a lot of talented people in it. We have Tom Atkins from** _ **The Fog, Creepshow**_ **and** _ **Escape From New York**_ **, Stacey Nelkin from** _ **The Jerk Too, Yellowbeard**_ **,** _ **Get Crazy**_ **and** _ **Up the Academy**_ **and Dan O'Herlihy from** _ **RoboCop, RoboCop 2**_ **and** _ **The Last Starfighter**_ **. John Carpenter produced this and Carpenter did the music with Alan Howarth. And the film was written and directed by Tommy Lee Wallace, who was the production designer for The Fog and Halloween. He also wrote the screenplay for** _ **Amityville II: The Possession**_ **and he's known for directing** _ **It**_ **the 1990 miniseries.**

"So, what went wrong? We've got a lot of talented people who worked on this and come out with such a disaster?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after the credits end, we see the television screen zooms out, revealing a pumpkin.**

 **(The pumpkin on the screen starts flashing)**

"And a big screw you to all of the epileptics out there." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens in Northern California and the film feels the need to let us know that it's October and it's Saturday the 23** **rd** **. Really? Is it that important? You should let us know what year as well, like the other films did. Do I need to know what day of the week this is?**

"Why in the hell do you want to give me a lesson on the days of the week? Does it look like I need a fucking lesson on the days of the week?" Sean asked as Rebecca Black's _Friday_ starts playing. "No, God! Turn it off!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see a man named Harry Grimbridge, played by Al Berry, is trying to escape from a car that's following him and hides from them in a parking lot. Now, I like how this scene is shot but I have one major problem. The music score in this scene. I mean seriously, it's just one note. What happened? Did Alan Howarth fall asleep while working on the music score?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, who's playing John Carpenter and Brian, who's playing Alan Howarth, composing music for** _ **Halloween III**_ **. Brian is sitting behind the electric keyboard. We see him trying to stay awake but then he ends up falling asleep while playing one note)**

 **Sean: (as John Carpenter) This is good. I like this. Way to go, Alan. I might need you for** _ **Big Trouble in Little China**_ **and** _ **Prince of Darkness**_ **. Yeah. Carpenter, you did it again you magnificent bastard.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Harry hides from the car, he ends up getting spotted by…**

 **(A man in a business suit appears and tries to kill Harry)**

"Alfalfa from _The Little Rascals_?" Sean asked, making a face.

 **Sean: (V/O as man in suit) I'm the barber of Seville, motherfucker.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As this Agent Smith-looking guy tries to kill him, Harry ends up killing his assailant by pulling a brick from underneath a car and crushing the guy with the car and he makes his escape. Meanwhile, at a gas station, (reads the text that says "ONE HOUR LATER") thank you. Thank you for letting us know. We hear on the news…**

 _ **Commentator: (On Stonehenge) Leaving British authorities still baffled and without any substantial clues nine months after the theft. The Bluestone was one of 19 believed to represent the 19-year cycle of the moon. It weighs more than five tons, making its disappearance a mystery indeed.**_

"Someone happens to steal a block of Stonehenge without anyone noticing. Damn you, Carmen Sandiego." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get (in a deep and booming voice) THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.**

 **(The Silver Shamrock commercial plays)**

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Silver Shamrock**_

"Okay, let me take a shot." Sean said, taking a shot of whiskey. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Silver Shamrock song. And get used to this song because you're going to keep hearing it over and over and over again throughout the entire movie!"

"Once, okay. Twice, not bad. Three or more." Brian said as he starts screaming.

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Silver Shamrock**_

"One more film till Michael's back. Michael's back, Michael's back. One more film till Michael's back. This film is shit." Sean sang.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The gas station attendant named Walter Jones, played by Essex Smith is busy watching television and the power goes out until Harry barges in with a not-so-scary jumpscare with a spooky message.**

 _ **Harry Grimbridge (Played by Al Berry): They're coming. (Pulls out a Silver Shamrock mask) They're coming.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I would just like to point out that for some reason Alan Howarth just likes to use the "pew" sound effect because he uses it any time anything happens in the entire movie.**

 **(We get a montage of different scenes using the "pew" sound effect and we cut to Brian, who is playing Howarth, playing the "pew" sound effect on his electronic keyboard)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Taylor enters the living room and sits next to Sean on the couch and hands him the mail)**

 **Taylor: Here's your new issue of** _ **Entertainment Weekly**_ **.**

 **Sean: Oh, wow. Thanks, babe.**

 **(Sean starts reading his new issue of** _ **Entertainment Weekly**_ **and finds something unsettling. He reads an article, the article reads "Mega Man X film adaptation is a go and Kevin G. Quinn and Peyton Meyer are X and Zero". Music from** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **and the "pew" sound effect starts playing while Sean makes a horrified look before throwing the magazine across the room and leaving the room)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our main character for the movie Dr. Daniel Challis, played by Tom Atkins. We see him visiting his ex-wife Linda, played by Nancy Kyes.**

"No, I'm serious. That's Annie from _Halloween_. Let me take a shot for a cameo from an actor from Halloween." Sean said, taking another shot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And a little fun fact, she was married to this film's director Tommy Lee Wallace.**

"I guess the two divorced because she realized that he directed a piece of shit and another piece of shit. _Fright Night Part 2_." Sean coughed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, he goes to his ex-wife's house to give his son Willie and his daughter Bella, played by Michelle Walker and Joshua Miller, some Halloween masks that he bought for them for Halloween, but his Linda has already bought them the ever-so-popular Silver Shamrock masks from the commercials that play over and over and over again.**

 **(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing)**

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **Linda Challis (Played by Nancy Kyes): Turn that down.**_

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis (Played by Tom Atkins): Yeah, this is Challis.**_

"This song will get stuck in your head. In your head, in your head. This song will get stuck in your head. Oh God, kill me." Sean sang. "Also, another shot for hearing that stupid song again."

Sean takes another shot of Jameson Irish whiskey.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But so much for spending time with his kids, Dan has been called back in to work. Harry is brought in and placed under Dr. Challis' care, until…**

 **(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing as Harry comes to)**

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **Eight more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Silver Shamrock**_

"Well, that didn't last long." Sean said, taking another shot.

 _ **Harry Grimbridge: (Gasping) They're going to kill us. All of us. (Panting) All of us.**_

 **(Walter, the gas station attendant backs away and leaves)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and laughs) Okay, I just love this dude's reaction after Harry wakes up. It's like he realized that he's in a bad movie and he wanted to get the hell out of there.**

 _ **Harry Grimbridge: They're going to kill us. All of us. All of us.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Walter) Oh, man. I'm in a bad movie directed by the guy who directed It. Hell, no! I'm getting the fuck up outta here. John Carpenter can kiss my ass.**

"What the hell did he get mixed up in?" Brian asked, referring to Harry.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harry is under the care of Dr. Challis and later that night, a hit man in a suit enters Harry's room and kills him.**

 **(The mysterious man in the suit kills Harry by gouging his eyes out with his thumb and index finger and breaks his nose)**

"He kills Harry by making him look like Judd Hirsch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And he's no Agent 47 when Nurse Agnes, played by the late Maide Norman sees him in Harry's room as he leaves undetected. Dan checks out the commotion and goes after the guy, in a snail's pace, and then we get this cool moment in the film.**

 **(The man in the suit gets in his car and pours gasoline all over himself flicks the lighter, immolating himself as the car explodes)**

"Best bit from the movie." Brian said.

"That's how I feel every time I watch a bad movie." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway a man is murdered, a man literally blew himself and I don't mean that in a sexual way, the police show up and Dan has to call his ex-wife that he won't be able pick up his kids, so he has to reschedule for when he can see them, but she won't let him off that easily. The mystery deepens when Dr. Challis realizes that Harry was clutching a mask, a Silver Shamrock mask. We skip to the morning…**

 **(The text reads "Sunday the 24** **th** **")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thank you for letting us know, movie. We see that Grimbridge's daughter Ellie, played by Stacey Nelkin, has arrived to identify the body of her dead father.**

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge (Played by Stacey Nelkin): What happened?**_

 _ **Sheriff (Played by John MacBride): Oh, some crazy man. Killed himself in the parking lot right after. Drugs probably.**_

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: Is that it? My father's dead because of some crazy…**_

"Is that it? My acting is dead because of some dumb writing?" Sean asked, imitating Ellie.

 **(Right before Daniel leaves, he sees Ellie)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Daniel) Hmm, I wonder if she's old enough for me?**

 **(Ellie looks back and sees Daniel)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Daniel) Maybe she's like the same age as Scarlett Sage. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna tap that ass.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to another character named Teddy, played by Wendy Wessberg. Dr. Challis doesn't like the situation involving a man in a suit murdering some guy and then sets himself on fire. So, he asks Teddy's help and she agrees. We then jump to….**

 **(Sees the text reads "Friday the 29** **th** **" in Helvetica font)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, no shit movie! We see that Dr. Challis is drinking in a bar…**

"That's how I felt after watching this movie." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Hey, Charlie, can we have another station?**_

 _ **Charlie (Played by Lloyd Catlett): You got it.**_

 **(Charlie switches it to another channel, the** _ **Halloween**_ **theme plays showing a commercial for the movie** _ **Halloween**_ **)**

 _ **Announcer: The immortal classic, followed by the big giveaway at 9:00, brought to you by…**_

"Why am I not watching this movie instead of this one? In fact, why am I not watching _Halloween 2018_ instead of _Halloween III_? This one's way, way better than _Halloween III_." Sean said.

 **(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing)**

 _ **Two more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween…**_

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Come on, come on, come on.**_

 **(Charlie changes the channel)**

 _ **Charlie: What's the matter? Don't you have any Halloween spirit?**_

"Hey, my Halloween spirit died after hearing that damn song playing throughout the movie." Sean said, before taking another shot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ellie shows up to speak to Dan. She wants to know what happened on the night he died and he lies to her by telling her that her father said that he loved her. But when Ellie leave, he tells her the truth.**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: I saw something that night. I don't know. Your father came into the hospital. He… I thought he was crazy, out of his mind. He's hangin' on to a Halloween mask. He wouldn't let it go. And what he said was… "They're gonna kill us all.". And in a little while, he was dead. And I don't know what the hell is goin' on.**_

"Bad screenwriting." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ellie takes Daniel to her father's toy store. The mask is the big clue as Harry's been selling the Silver Shamrock masks. Dan agrees to help Ellie find out who killed her father. Maybe it's a case of love at first… no, she just wants to sleep with him. So, Dan calls his ex-wife to tell her that he'll be out of town and she's not too happy about him ditching his kids. Father of the Year, ladies and gentlemen.**

 **(Right when Daniel and Ellie drive to Santa Mira, the camera pans over to an electronics store. We see the Silver Shamrock commercial playing on the television)**

 _ **Two more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **Two more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Silver Shamrock**_

Sean takes another shot of Irish whiskey, then feels the effects of the alcohol kicking in before getting his head straight. "My biggest regret, I didn't do _Resurrection_ or _Halloween 5_ first."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Dr. Challis and Ellie arrive in the little town of Santa Mira. And I have to admit, I love that little nod to** _ **Invasion of the Body Snatchers**_ **. It's very clever. They're then stared down through the windows by some of the townsfolk. What is up with the townsfolk? This isn't frickin' Deliverance. One of the townsfolk named Rafferty, played by the late Michael Currie, greets them and I have to say that he has the silliest Irish accent I've ever heard.**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Say, partner, is there a vacancy in this motel? My wife and I need a place to stay.**_

 _ **Raffety (Played by the late Michael Currie): You've come to the right place. It's cozy, it's quiet, and the price is right.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Rafferty) You'll never catch me Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the most annoying as hell family in this movie, the Kupfers. Buddy is played by the late Ralph Strait, his wife Betty played by Jadeen Barbor and their bratty son Little Buddy played by Brad Schacter.**

 **Buddy Kupfer (Played by the late Ralph Strait): Hey, Buddy Kupfer, San Diego. This is my wife Betty.**

 _ **Betty Kupfer (Played by Jadeen Barbor): Pleased to meet you.**_

 _ **Buddy Kupfer: And this is Little Buddy.**_

 _ **Little Buddy Kupfer (Played by Brad Schacter): Is it busted?**_

 _ **Buddy Kupfer: No.**_

 **(Little Buddy gets on his bike and rides off)**

 _ **Betty Kupfer: Don't you dare go in the street. Do you hear me?**_

 **(Little Buddy flips off his mother)**

"I want them to die." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) One more character to introduce who also almost runs Dr. Challis over. Marge Guttman played by Tom Atkins' first wife Garn Stephens.**

 _ **Marge Guttman (Played by Garn Stephens): Damn factory. Got their orders all screwed up. Now I have to stay in this dump again.**_

"Hmm, well she's old enough for me to have sex with her. But there's the younger chick who's staying in the same motel room with me. This does complicate things." Sean said, imitating Dan Challis.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well anyway, Dan got some information that Ellie's dad have been staying at the hotel and Ellie has seen Cochran's car driving by. And then we get this scene.**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: I could sleep in the car. Be better than this floor.**_

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: Where do you wanna sleep, Dr. Challis?**_

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: That's a dumb question, Miss Grimbridge.**_

 **(Dan kisses Ellie while Carly Rae Jepson's** _ **Call Me Maybe**_ **starts playing)**

"Hey! Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop it! We are not resorting to this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we got an important message from a special guest cameo. Can you guess who it is?**

 **Announcer (Voiced by Jamie Lee Curtis): It's 6:00. It's 6:00. Curfew. Curfew. All residents of Santa Mira please clear the streets. Curfew is now in effect. Please confine your activities to your own homes. Thank you. Have a pleasant evening.**

"That's right, folks. That's Jamie Lee Curtis delivering that message. And a 6:00 curfew? That's a bit odd, don't you think?" Sean asked before taking another shot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, that doesn't stop Dr. Pornstache for getting a drink at a liquor store that's open, even though there's a curfew here, he heads back to the motel through a dark alleyway and bumps into a homeless man named Starker, played by Jonathan Terry. And Dr. Challis asks him some information on Cochran but only for a price, some liquor.**

 _ **Starker (Played by Jonathan Terry): Let me tell you something, mister. He brought in every damn one of them factory people from the outside. You think he'd hire me? A local boy? No way.**_

"Maybe because he thinks you're Chester A. Bum's cousin." Sean said.

 **Sean: And we see that Starker has some choice words for Cochran.**

 _ **Starker: Hey, Cochran, fuck you.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, dude. I don't think you should do that.**

 _ **Starker: I'm gonna get me about a case and a half of Molotov cocktails. Burn that son of a bitch right down. Be the last Halloween for them.**_

"Dude, do you have a death wish? He's go surveillance cameras throughout the whole town. He knows that you've been bad mouthing him, so you better watch what you say…" Sean said.

 **(Two men in suits deal with Starker)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, too late.**

 _ **Starker: Fellas, I was just kidding. You… you know that. Just kidding.**_

 **(One of the assassins gets Starker down on his knees while the other assassin, played by Dick Warlock, grabs him by the head)**

"Whoa, hold on now! At least buy the guy dinner first. Take him to a movie, make him feel special." Sean said.

 **(The assassin rips off Starker's head)**

"Hmm, I've seen better gore effects from the Red Wedding massacre in the third season of _Game of Thrones_." Sean said. "And by the way, that's Michael Myers' portrayer from _Halloween II_ , Dick Warlock. So, take another shot."

Sean takes another shot of whiskey and sets the bottle and glass aside.

"To be fair, gore effects weren't as advanced back then." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Ellie is busy talking to Marge, who's complains about the Silver Shamrock masks.**

 _ **Marge Guttman: The merchandise is slipping. I mean, my four-year-old was throwing the thing against the wall. Granted, the trademark shouldn't just come right off.**_

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: Yeah, I see what you mean.**_

"Damn masks. They should be recalled!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to Dan and Ellie. Dan returns to the motel, only to find Ellie wearing some sexy lingerie. And it's time for Dr. Dan to get freaky with her, Brazzers style.**

 **(Ellie lies down on the bed while Dan gets on top of her)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Dan) Let me show you how we do it in the Korean War.**

"And a little fun fact, Tom Atkins and Stacey Nelkin confirmed that the bedroom scene was one of the very first things they shot together. And I have to honestly say that this love scene felt so awkward. They have no chemistry. Hell, Taylor and I have better sex than them."

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean and Taylor enter Sean's house, kissing each other very passionately as Sean closes the door behind them and locks it while Taylor drops her purse on the floor, then wraps her leg around Sean's waist)**

 **Taylor: God, I so totally want to ride you so hard right now.**

 **Sean: Yeah, babe. I like the sound of that. Let's make it like a Brazzers movie. You're so frickin' hot, babe.**

 **(Sean picks up Taylor and starts knocking everything down while they make their way upstairs to Sean's bedroom)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **(The radio starts playing the Silver Shamrock commercial)**

 _ **Two more days to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: I don't believe this commercial. It never stops.**_

"Don't worry, you'll hear this song about 14 times." Sean said, taking another shot of whiskey. "Why is the room spinning?"

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Whoa. Wait. Aren't you just the least bit tired?**_

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: No.**_

 **(Ellie kisses Dan)**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How old are you?**_

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: (Chuckles) Relax. I'm older than I look.**_

"Well, that's a fine time to ask her how old she is." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in the other room, Marge begins to examine the back of the Silver Shamrock tag after noticing a suspicious looking microchip. Well, there's only a handy dandy bobbing pin can do the trick.**

 **(After fidgeting with the microchip, a laser beam hits Marge in the face)**

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: What's that?**_

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Who cares?**_

"Can we finish up before this Viagra wears off?" Sean asked, imitating Dan.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Marge gets zapped in the face by some cheesy 80's laser effects and I have to tell you the make-up effects looked pretty good but what unsettled me was the bug coming out of Marge's mouth. Anyway, after making sweet, sweet love to a woman who's younger than him, Dan wakes up to a commotion going on. So, he gets out of bed and… (sees Dr. Challis' bare ass but it's covered by the Silver Shamrock logo) Oh, God! Please put some pants on. I do not want to see you naked, I would rather see Ellie naked. Anyway, a mysterious group of men in lab coats arrive to take Marge away. Where to? To Silver Shamrock headquarters, of course. And then, we're introduced to the famous Conal Cochran, played by Dan O'Herlihy. Cochran is the man who created the Silver Shamrock masks.**

 _ **Conal Cochran (Played by the late Dan O'Herlihy): It's all over, my friends. It's just a small accident. The lady's going to get the very best possible treatment. I promise you that.**_

"Uh, shouldn't you let Dr. Challis examine her before you give her the very best possible treatment? He's a doctor and you're just a glorified Irish toymaker." Sean said.

 _ **Conal Cochran: What happened?**_

 _ **Technician (Played by Patrick Pankhurst): Misfire.**_

"You call this a misfire?!" Sean asked, imitating The Old Man from _RoboCop_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day….**

 **(The text reads "Saturday the 30** **th** **" on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oy. Dr. Challis calls Teddy back at the hospital on an update on the autopsy, and she finds something strange.**

 _ **Teddy (Played by Wendy Wessberg): Well, that was a hot fire but there would have to be some bone fragments or teeth or something. I've got nothing here to indicate there was ever a body at all. Just ashes and car parts. How about you?**_

"Well, I got drunk and I had sex with a woman who's younger than me." Sean said, imitating Dan.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dan and Ellie make it to the Silver Shamrock factory and it turns out that Ellie's father in fact already came up to pick up the order. And before they could leave with no leads, they happen to run into…**

 **(As Dan and Ellie are about to leave, they bump into Buddy Kupfer and his family)**

 _ **Buddy Kupfer: Well, hey. How ya doin'? Buddy Kupfer and family, here to see Mr. Cochran.**_

"Oh, Christ! Not this family again." Sean groaned.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The annoying Kupfer family are here to meet Cochran because Buddy happen to sell the most Silver Shamrock masks and he gives them a guided tour with Dan and Ellie tagging along and we get more exposition on the backstory of the Silver Shamrock company. Seems that Cochran was the all-time genius of the practical joke.**

 _ **Buddy Kupfer: Conal Cochran, the all-time genius of the practical joke. He invented sticky toilet paper.**_

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Oh.**_

 _ **Buddy Kupfer: Oh, you must know. The dead dwarf gag, the soft chainsaw. All his.**_

"He also invented the bomb in the suitcase prank, the water-filled condom prank, super gluing the phone to your face, the Publisher's Clearing House prank. The list goes on. And there's also a prank that my girlfriend Taylor pulled on me when she deleted my save file for my _Madden '19_ Longshot career mode. And then she saw a prank from Maddie and Elijah that she pulled on me. Well, two of them. One was the I Want a Baby Now prank and the other was the I'm Pregnant prank on her parents and they both tried to kill me! Damn you, Conal Cochran." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, he does this to please the children and he gives this snot-nosed little shit a Silver Shamrock mask. Anyway, Buddy is curious to know what final processing is. But, we'll get to that later. As Cochran finishes the tour, Dan and Ellie notice that something shady is going on as she recognizes her father's car. She runs to it but the Men in Black is ready to stop her.**

 _ **Conal Cochran: (To Buddy Kupfer) Trade secrets.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Cochran) By the way, have you guessed that I'm the bad guy yet?**

 _ **Ellie Grimbridge: I'm scared. I think we should leave.**_

"Well, you two better do it quick before the damn Silver Shamrock song starts playing again." Sean said.

 **(The Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing again)**

 _ **One more day to Halloween**_

 _ **Halloween, Halloween**_

 _ **One more day to Halloween**_

 _ **Silver Shamrock**_

"Goddamn it!" Sean yelled out before taking another shot, then slams his head against the coffee table. From this point on, Sean starts to sound like he's slurring his speech.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dan gets cornered by the Agent Smith rejects and starts running from them. And you can see how dumb these guys are when Dan ducks down in the phone booth while they're looking for him. You idiots have (hiccups) cameras. Dan sneaks into the Silver Shamrock factory. And I would like to ask, what the hell is going on here?**

 **(Dan sees an old lady knitting)**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Where's the girl?**_

 **(The old lady doesn't say anything)**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?**_

 **(Dan gasps as the old lady's head falls off, revealing that it was a robot)**

"She lost her head." Sean chuckled and points to the camera. "I'm sorry, guys. I think the alcohol is affecting my…

Sean then picks up a photo of Taylor then laughs. "She's got a big nose."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dan gets spotted by the man in the suit and he ends up fighting the guy. And it gets pretty, pretty lame.**

 **(The assassin grabs Dr. Challis by his head)**

"Couldn't you just rip his head off?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, the only way Dan knows how to stop them is by punching the guy right in his gut,** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **style. And getting slimy orange juice all over his hand. Turns out that the men in suits are androids. So, Dan gets captured by Cochran and his henchmen and we now jump to Sunday the 31** **st** **, which is Halloween. Finally. Cochran reveals his plan to Challis like a classic Bond villain. You know, I've been wondering what the hell is going on in that movie.**

 _ **Conal Cochran: Stonehenge. (Chuckling) We had a time getting it here.**_

"Yeah, I want to know. How the hell did you get it in your factory? Could you please explain, movie. The world wants to know." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that the rock from Stonehenge has ancient mystical properties, Cochran is using pieces of it to power the microchips in the Silver Shamrock masks and those microchips will be activated by a flashing signal of the commercial's on-screen "magic pumpkin" and it'll kill the person who's wearing the mask.**

"I know that I'm gonna sound crazy, but I think that it is a pretty clever plot line. Cochran's plan being based on ancient Celtic pagan rituals ties in nicely with the holiday. But again, Michael Myers isn't in this movie. So…" Sean tries to blow a raspberry but instead feels the effects from the alcohol hitting him. "Why is the room spinning?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, you remember when I mentioned "Final Processing"? Well, it is a demonstration, so who's our victims, I mean volunteers? Well, it's that annoying family, the Kupfers.**

 _ **Buddy Kupfer: You know, I still can't figure out why they won't take my orders for next year. You know how I like to work ahead, and, well, they're just not interested at all.**_

 _ **Betty Kupfer: Maybe they're not going to have Halloween next year.**_

"Yeah, we're gonna have to wait six years for Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most satisfying part of the movie. No, it's not the song. I'm getting drunk as it is when they keep playing it.**

 **(They play the Silver Shamrock commercial as Little Buddy puts on the mask and watches the "magic pumpkin" flashing on the screen. The microchip causes Little Buddy to succumb to brain damage from absorbing the energy of Stonehenge. Little Buddy collapses to the floor and dies)**

 _ **Betty Kupfer: Honey?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, take that you little bastard! Man, horror movies in the 80's had the balls to kill children. So after Little Buddy dies, his mother just faints to her death from seeing insects coming out of his head and here's how his father reacts from seeing a snake coming out of his mouth.**

 **(Buddy screams)**

"I'm acting!" Sean yelled, imitating Buddy Kupfer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Man, when I watched that scene when I was a kid, it freaked me out and it still does. And then we get a montage of two straight minutes of the Silver Shamrock song playing while children are waiting for their impending doom. And unless you're a sane person, I suggest that you press the mute button on the remote control to your television. We cut back to Teddy as she tries to contact Dan until one of the androids comes in to kill her after she figures out that the man who killed himself is a robot.**

 **(We see the android about to kill Teddy with a drill)**

 **(A sound clip from** _ **Home Improvement**_ **plays)**

 _ **Heidi (Played by Debbe Dunning): Does anyone know what time it is?**_

 _ **Audience: Tool Time!**_

 **(The android assassin kills Teddy with the drill by plunging it into her head)**

"Ladies and gentlemen, another deadly creation from Binford Tools." Sean said as the _Tool Time_ theme plays in the background.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at the Silver Shamrock factory, Dr. Dan tries to get some answers from Cochran right before they kill him.**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: Why, Cochran? Why?**_

 _ **Conal Cochran: Do I need a reason?**_

"Well, yeah." Sean said.

 _ **Conal Cochran: Mr. Kupfer was right, you know. I do love a good joke. And this is the best ever. A joke on the children.**_

"So, this is your biggest plan ever? Pulling the best joke on the children by killing them with mask that turn you into insect heads? Murdering every child in America for a prank. What?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Brian and his brother Adam enter the kitchen with a gingerbread house, surprising their family and their loved ones)**

 **Adam: Here's the gingerbread house we made.**

 **Sherry: What is it?**

 **Bob: Is it like a chocolate gingerbread house?**

 **Lexi: A chocolate gingerbread house?**

 **Brian: Yeah. That's what it is.**

 **Taylor: Oh, my gosh. You two did a really nice job with it.**

 **Cheryl: I know. It looks beautiful.**

 **(Right when Brian and Adam sits the gingerbread house on the kitchen counter, Sean runs in the kitchen and grabs the gingerbread house, then he threw the gingerbread house down on the ground before stepping on it)**

 **Brian: Dude!**

 **Adam: Are you kidding me?!**

 **Taylor: Sean, what the hell?!**

 **Lexi: Oh, no!**

 **Sherry: You cannot be serious?! Are you crazy?!**

 **Sean: It's just a prank, bro!**

 **Cheryl: Oh, no. This is unbelievable. What an asshole.**

 **Bob: This is insane. I feel like decking your friend, Brian. I feel like decking him.**

 **Lexi: Taylor, how can you stand Sean?**

 **Taylor: It's not that easy.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Who pranks someone by killing them?! Is that what Halloween is about? Murdering children for no reason? Our villain, ladies and gentlemen! He's the fucking inventor of the original "It's Just a Prank, Bro!" and this is it!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, at least Cochran's got an awesome villain speech.**

 _ **Conal Cochran: You don't really know much about Halloween. You thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy. It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we'd be waiting in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal. And the dead might be looking in to sit by our fires of turf. Halloween. The festival of Samhain. The last great one took place 3,000 years ago, and the hills ran red with the blood of animals and children.**_

"Okay, he's no Donald Pleasence. But Dan O'Herlihy gave one awesome villain speech." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And if you have any seriousness left, Cochran puts a ridiculous mask over Dan's head and plays the original** _ **Halloween**_ **on the television. (Laughs) Man, John Carpenter lost his mind.**

 _ **Conal Cochran: And happy Halloween.**_

"John Carpenter lost his mind. Lost his mind, lost his mind. John Carpenter lost his mind, stick with _Prince of Darkness_." Sean sang.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Dan makes his escape by kicking frantically at the television until he finally kicks it and the robots haven't even noticed this. And he escapes through the vent, but not before he manages to throw the mask at the camera in one try while being tied to the chair.**

 **(Dan manages the throw the mask at the camera in one try)**

"Yeah, I call bullshit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dan rescues Ellie and the two of them make their escape. Maybe they can act like Solid Snake from** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **and uses one of the boxes to sneak out. Dan starts pushing some buttons that he suddenly knows how to press on the console to activate the commercial and him and Ellie start dumping the chips on Cochran's goons and kills them. And I just love Cochran's reaction right here.**

 **(Cochran looks up and sees Dan and Ellie and does the slow clap, then he gets zapped by a laser beam from Stonehenge, freezing him)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Cochran) Oh, I guess my plan sucked. Well, at least I'm going out turning into Frosty the Snowman.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dan and Ellie escape as the factory explodes and they leave Santa Mira, in a race against time to stop Cochran's plan.**

 **(Ellie begins to attack Challis while he's driving)**

"What the hell?!" Sean's eyes widened in shock.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ellie's a robot? So, are you meaning to tell me that Ellie was actually a robot this whole time? Did Cochran kill the real Ellie and replace her with a robot? If so, then why did she help him escape and destroy the Silver Shamrock factory? Why did she wait to kill him now? Did Challis know that he was fucking a robot? Are you going to explain, movie? We need to know. Just explain. Explain. EXPLAIN!**

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **plays)**

 _ **Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): I don't know what's happening!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, android Ellie tries to kill Dan, but the good doctor grabs a tire iron and decided to decapitate her like she's Ian Holm from** _ **Alien**_ **.**

 **(Dan decapitates Ellie with a tire iron)**

"Decapitation." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Dan defeats the robot, he…**

 **(After Dan closes the passenger side, Ellie's missing arm grabs him by his neck)**

Sean makes a face after seeing Ellie's arm trying to choke Dan.

 **(Dan throws Ellie's arm away)**

"Anyway, so after Dan defeats the robot…." Sean said before getting interrupted again.

 **(Ellie's headless body comes to life)**

"Oh, for the love of…" Sean rolled his eyes.

 **(Ellie's robotic body falls to the ground and shuts down)**

"Are you finished yet?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dan makes it to the gas station and calls the television stations to stop the commercials. Well, not because it could kill children but Tom Atkins doesn't want to hear that damn song. Luckily, channels one and two are off, but for channel three….**

 _ **Dr. Daniel Challis: The third commercial, it's still on. Please. Take out the third channel. The third channel It's still running. Stop it, please. For God's sake, please stop it. There's no more time. You gotta- - Please, stop it. Stop it now. Turn it off! Turn it off! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!**_

"Wow, Tommy Lee Wallace took the whole Invasion of the Body Snatchers-thing to a whole new level." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And that's how the film ends. Originally, it was going to end with the sound of children being murdered but no. Instead, we get to hear the theme music which I like and that's another good thing about this movie is the theme music.**

"And that was _Halloween III: Season of the Witch_ , and I know that I'm gonna sound crazy and maybe it's because of the alcohol, I think it's an okay film." Sean said. "Now, I know that it's still a bad movie but it's so bad that it's good."

 **(Clips from the film start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, the film established it's reputation as a standalone cult film and this is what this movie should've been, a standalone film. We didn't need a "3" at the end of "Halloween", they could've just called it "Halloween: Season of the Witch". Critics gave the film negative reviews because of the absence of Michael Myers. It made it clear that people didn't like the anthology concept, but hey in 1988 we get a better** _ **Halloween**_ **film. Looking back at it now, I can't help but wonder what this series could've been like if they stuck with the anthology concept. Anyway, the movie has a lot of plot holes and some things didn't make sense. But it's still a decent horror movie. The only thing I like about the movie is the acting and the music. The music is not as good as** _ **Halloween**_ **or** _ **Halloween II**_ **, but it's still okay.** _ **Halloween III**_ **may not be the best in the** _ **Halloween**_ **but it definitely isn't the worst. Hey, they made a movie where Michael Myers gets his ass kicked by Busta Rhymes and that one was horrible. But hey, at least we get a better** _ **Halloween**_ **movie and the 2018** _ **Halloween**_ **movie is awesome. Anyway, if you want to riff on a movie with your friends, this is the one for you.** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **gets two Silver Shamrocks out of 5.**

"And that is all for _Halloween Havoc_ , I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'm gonna have one hell of a hangover. Happy Halloween." Sean said before lying down on the couch.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Happy Halloween**_

 **And that is all for** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope you enjoyed the** _ **Halloween III**_ **review. What did you think of the new chapter and what are your thoughts about the movie? I would like to know. Next time, I will be reviewing either the John Hughes movie** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **starring John Candy or since Thanksgiving is in November, I will be taking a look at the comedy** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **starring Steve Martin and John Candy. Which one should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want a co-review a movie with me or if you have an idea for the story to share with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	42. Episode Thirty-Eight: Uncle Buck

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my friends. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and a happy November to you all. Today, I'm bringing you another review. Today, Sean takes a look at one of his favorite family comedies from John Hughes called** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **. Is this one of the best comedies from the master? We'll find out today. So here it is, the new, hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, grab yourself some popcorn and something cold to drink and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **is owned by Universal Pictures and Hughes Entertainment.**

 **Episode Thirty-Eight**

 **Uncle Buck**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before talking about today's topic. "Let me talk to you about one of my favorite directors of all time. And of course I'm talking about the man, the master, the legend. John Hughes."

 **(Images of John Hughes is shown, as well as clips from some of his films that he worked on and poster for some of his movies are shown as well)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He was a writer for** _ **National Lampoon**_ **and back in the 80s he took the movie world by storm. He worked on screenplays** _ **for National Lampoon's Vacation, National Lampoon's Class Reunion, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation**_ **and** _ **Mr. Mom**_ **. During the 80s, he brought us the best teen movies ever starring young up-and-coming actors like Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Matthew Broderick, Emilio Estevez, Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy. He gave us the films** _ **Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Some Kind of Wonderful**_ **and** _ **Pretty in Pink**_ **. In the late 80s, he brought us the "grown-up" Thanksgiving comedy** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **and the romantic comedy** _ **She's Having a Baby**_ **. And of course in 1990, he brought us the immortal classic** _ **Home Alone**_ **. John Hughes was the voice of a generation… then he did** _ **Curly Sue**_ **, that was good. He did** _ **Home Alone 2**_ **, he wrote it and it was a good sequel. He did** _ **Beethoven**_ **, he wrote it and it was pretty good. He wrote** _ **101 Dalmations**_ **, good film.** _ **Flubber**_ **, it sucked.** _ **Dennis the Menace**_ **was good as well as** _ **Baby's Day Out**_ **, the** _ **Miracle on 34th Street**_ **remake. And then he wrote** _ **Home Alone 3**_ **and that sucked ass! But, a lot of his work is great.**

"But we're not talking about them. Well, I'll be talking about Planes, Trains and Automobiles after this one. Today, we're talking about one of my favorite family comedies of all time starring my favorite comedian. And of course I'm talking about the one, the only… _Uncle Buck_." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on August 16, 1989,** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **was the first film directed, produced and written by John Hughes under a multi-picture agreement deal with Universal. The first film he did was** _ **The Great Outdoors**_ **. He was the producer and writer of the film but Howard Deutch directed it. And speaking of Uncle Buck, you want to know what** _ **The Great Outdoors**_ **and** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **have in common? Those three movies have the late comedy great John Candy. Candy stars as the title character. I've watched that movie on Disney Channel a couple of years ago and for a movie that's rated PG for a family comedy, it has a lot of cuss words in it.**

 _ **Tia Russell (Played by Jean Louisa Kelly): Shit./Shit./Asshole.**_

 _ **Miles Russell (Played by Macauley Culkin): Goddamn it!**_

 _ **Maizy Russell (Played by Gaby Hoffman): Shit.**_

 _ **Bob Russell (Played by Garrett M. Brown): Shit.**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski (Played by Amy Madigan): Son of a bitch.**_

 _ **Bud (Played by Jay Underwood): Shit./Asshole!**_

 _ **Buck Russell (Played by the late John Candy): Ass./Bitch,/Shit./Shit!**_

"No wonder mom wouldn't let me watch the movie when I was 8." Sean said. "So much for family entertainment. But hey, you have John Hughes and John Candy. This is going to be pretty good. Let's not waste any time, this is _Uncle Buck_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens in the quiet suburbs of Chicago.**

"Uh, if you expect me to play the John Hughes drinking game, then no. I'm trying to recover from playing the _Halloween III_ drinking game. I was drunk and Taylor caught me peeing in the dryer." Sean said. "But hey, at least we won't get to hear that dreaded song."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the characters of the movie, the Russell siblings. The oldest sibling Tia played by actress-singer Jean Louisa Kelly, who was 17 at the time. And hot.**

"Hey, Jean Louisa Kelly is in her forties and she's still smokin' hot." Sean said as a current photo of Jean Louisa Kelly pops up next to him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Tia's younger siblings, Miles played by a pre-** _ **Home Alone**_ **Macauley Culkin and Maizy played by** _ **Transparent**_ **'s Gaby Hoffman, and we see how Tia gets along with her siblings.**

 _ **Tia Russell: (After Maizy puts her bag on the table) Get your bag off the table. People eat there.**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: They eat on plates.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Don't give me any crap, Maizy.**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: I'm telling. You said "crap."**_

"Ah, sibling bonds. Don't you just love it?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We also get some of it's film's "colorful" dialogue.**

 _ **Tia Russell: You can thank your parents for that.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: How come?**_

 _ **Tia Russell: It was their brilliant idea to move here. They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis. Forget that we were perfectly happy. So thank them for getting treated like shit every day.**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: I'm telling on that one.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Shut your face./Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Always have a cow.**_

 **(Tia grabs Miles by his arm)**

 _ **Miles Russell: Your nails are digging into my arm, goddamn it.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Maizy, did I kick you around?**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: No, but you said "shit" twice. But only once for real.**_

"Don't you just love hearing kids cursing in movies?" Sean asked.

"It's surprising." Brian said.

 _ **Tia Russell: Let the dog out.**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: Percy!**_

 **(The dryer door opens and we see Percy the dog sitting in the dryer, barking)**

"Why was their dog in the dryer? Did one of the kids put Percy in the dryer or did the dog climb into the dryer? That's a weird place to put a dog in. That reminds me. Riley!" Sean yelled out Riley's name as we cut to a clothes hamper in Sean and Taylor's bedroom. We see Riley climbing out and meowing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see the Russell siblings eating dinner with their parents Bob and Cindy. Bob is played by Garrett M. Brown from** _ **Kick-Ass**_ **and** _ **Kick-Ass 2**_ **and Cindy is played by Elaine Bromka. Here's something about the Russells, they moved from Indianapolis to the Chicago suburbs because Bob got a promotion. We also see that Tia and her mother don't get along very well.**

 _ **Cindy Russell (Played by Elaine Bromka): You know what? When dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: So you can interview new housekeepers?**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: I've had enough of your ugliness.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Oh, really?**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.**_

"Alright, unless you two are going to have a _Dynasty_ -style catfight like Fallon and Alexis, feel free to do so." Sean said with a grin on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the main character of the movie, Buck Russell, played by John Candy. Buck is a bachelor and an all-around slob who drinks, smokes, bets on rigged horse races and he lives in a small apartment in Chicago. Oh, and he also has a girlfriend. So, who's the lucky lady dating this guy? Well, none other than Ed Harris' wife, of course. This is Buck's girlfriend Chanice Kobolowski, played by Amy Madigan.**

"What does she see in him anyway?" Brian asked.

"Well, he's unemployed." Sean answered.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck and Chanice have been together for eight years and Buck has accepted a new job at her tire shop. And here's his feelings about working for his girlfriend.**

 _ **Buck Russell: I'm really not that excited about going to work for my girlfriend. There. I said it. It's out of the way.**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Okay, okay. Buck, I love you. I can't help myself. I want to get married. I want to have a family. I want to do it with you. Well, you know. The clock is ticking away here. I would just like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before I die.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I'll get you a mouse and a piece of sheet metal. (Laughs)**_

 **(Chanice gives Buck the death glare)**

"Slacker." Sean said.

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: You're gonna show up for work, you swear to God? In the A.M.? Promise?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Chanice, I'll be honest with you. If I could think of an excuse that you would buy, I'd use it.**_

"Yeah, like that's foreshadowing enough." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of foreshadowing….**

 **(We hear the sound of a heartbeat, then an alarm as Tia wakes up. We cut to a phone ringing as Bob answers it)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bob gets a phone call from Cindy's aunt, with some bad news about her father when her aunt informs them that Cindy's father suffered a heart attack. So now Bob and Cindy are in a dilemma. They have to find someone to watch the kids while they're in Indianapolis and Bob suggest one person who could watch the kids, his brother Buck. But Cindy objects.**

 _ **Bob Russell: What about Buck? Now, I'm sure he'd be glad to help out.**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: I don't want him here.**_

 _ **Bob Russell: It's just a suggestion.**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: He doesn't have kids. He isn't married. He doesn't even work!**_

 _ **Bob Russell: He's a little out there, but he's responsible, and he's family.**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: Buck is not the kind of guy I feel comfortable leaving my kids with.**_

"Besides, I've seen your brother dress up as a drag queen in a movie. We're not leaving the kids with that freak." Sean said, imitating Cindy while referencing the 1986 film _Armed and Dangerous_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After hearing the news, Tia asks her mother if they're going to Indianapolis, but Cindy tells her that her and Bob are going to Indianapolis. And Cindy doesn't think that it's a good idea for the kids to go with them, which pisses off Tia and she pulls the biggest bitch move ever on her mother.**

 _ **Cindy Russell: I love my father very much.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: So, why did you move away from him? If my whole family moved away from me I'd have a heart attack too.**_

 **(Tia goes to her room and slams the door)**

"Ouch. What kind of daughter would say something like that to their own mother? Taylor Otto wouldn't say that to her own mother on _American Housewife_. If she did, then Taylor would be dead." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, while Bob is on the phone with the Nevilles, we get some more colorful dialogue from the movie.**

 _ **Miles Russell: Who's gonna take care of us?**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: Mr. and Mrs. Neville.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Is that a joke?**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: You don't like the Nevilles.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Their dog's a ball sniffer.**_

We then cut to Sean spitting out his pink cranberry juice after hearing what Miles said to his mother.

 _ **Cindy Russell: Don't talk like that.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because the dog was sniffing Michael's balls.**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: Don't use that word.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: I don't know another word./What's another word for "balls"?**_

 _ **Bob Russell: Get in bed.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: (Snaps his finger) "Nuts".**_

"Yeah, here's another word for "balls" and "nuts". Co…" Sean said before getting interrupted as Tom Hardy's Venom pops up and grabs him by his neck.

"Finish that sentence, then we will eat both of your arms, and then both of your legs, and we will eat your face right off of your head. Do you understand?" Venom asked.

"Y… y…. yes, sir." Sean said as Venom releases him and leaves. "You know, with these kind of words like that, they could've rated this movie PG-13."

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the Nevilles out since they're in Florida, Bob and Cindy have no choice but to call Buck.**

 _ **Cindy Russell: Can we trust him?**_

"Could be worse. You could've gotten those two to watch your kids." Sean said a picture of Harry and Marv from _Home Alone_ pop up. "I'm sure you can trust them to be around your kids."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bob calls his brother Buck and we get one of the most funniest wake-up calls I've ever seen in my life.**

 _ **Buck Russell: Bobby, hang on a minute.**_

 **(Buck covers the phone and starts coughing as we cut to the Russell family house with Bob hearing Buck coughing on the other line. Buck stops coughing and claps his hands as the power to the apartment building comes on, the Chicago Cubs sign comes on as well and we hear the sound of a cat meowing and the alarm sounds coming from a car)**

"Wow, I did not know that the Clapper could turn everything on. For the youngins who don't know what the Clapper is, it's a device from the 80's that you plug in your outlet, and you clap your hands to turn the power on, like so." Sean said as he claps his hands, then all of a sudden the power goes out. "Oh, goddamn it! I turned off the review!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Bob tells Buck about Cindy's father and he asks him to help them out to watch their kids at their house while they're away. But, Buck has to break the news to Chanice that he can't make it to work.**

 _ **Buck Russell: Chanice? Honey? Honey, I have some bad news.**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Let me guess. You are not coming in to work in the morning.**_

 **(Buck stays silent for a bit)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Just let… Let… Can… No, but… You don't…. Would you just…. Let…. Give me… Let me give… Let me give… You're not… Give me a… Aw!**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Good-bye.**_

 **(Chanice hangs up the phone)**

"Well, that went well." Sean said sarcastically.

 **(A clip from** _ **Cheers**_ **plays)**

 _ **Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): Women. You can't live with them, pass the beer nuts.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck drives over to his brother's house in the Chicago suburbs and we get this funny bit of the film that I like where he goes to the wrong house and his brother is watching and he sees him at the neighbor's house.**

 _ **Buck Russell: Bob! Bob? This isn't funny! Come on! Wake up! I'm freezing my ass off out here!**_

 **(Bob sees his brother standing on the porch of his neighbor's house)**

 _ **Bob Russell: Oh, shit.**_

"I read the script for _Kick-Ass 2_ and my character gets killed off." Sean said, imitating Bob Russell.

 **(Bob steps outside)**

 _ **Bob Russell: Buck?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Bob?**_

 _ **Bob Russell: Buck?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Bob?**_

 _ **Bob Russell: Buck!**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Bob?**_

 _ **Bob Russell: Over here!**_

 **(Buck realizes that he's at the wrong house)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Do you have any idea how many big white houses there are on this street?**_

"Get the right address, man. Or some glasses." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Bob and Cindy leave for Indianapolis, Buck is in charge and he gets settled in….**

 **(Buck drops a plate and picks it up)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Unbreakable.**_

 **(Buck breaks the plate on the piano as Percy barks)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Shit.**_

"Great job, Buck. Just start breaking stuff in their house." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Tia comes downstairs only to see Uncle Buck cooking breakfast and singing and the two of them have an uneasy greeting.**

 _ **Buck Russell: Does your mom know you drink coffee?**_

 _ **Tia Russell: I'm not doing it to impress you.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I appreciate that. Is there any particular reason why you're giving me such a hard time?**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Am I giving you a hard time?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Uh… well, I don't know.**_

"Don't worry, Buck. In a few years, she gonna give some lucky guy a hard time and that dude is going to be henpecked by her." Sean said, referencing the CBS sitcom _Yes, Dear_ , which starred Jean Louisa Kelly.

 **(A clip from** _ **Yes, Dear**_ **plays)**

 _ **Kim Warner (Played by Jean Louisa Kelly): Greg. Before you finish that sentence, I want you to know that if I hear the words "my money" coming out of your mouth, you're going to try to pry my foot out of ass.**_

 _ **Greg Warner (Played by Anthony Clark): Good luck with your project.**_

"Ah, coffee. Goes great with everything at breakfast. Donut holes, cinnamon rolls, bacon, pancakes, sausage, oatmeal." Brian said.

 _ **Miles Russell: Oh, my God. He put onions in the eggs.**_

"And that's a problem why?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Tia gets her sister Maizy ready for school, Miles gets to know his Uncle Buck by asking him a series of questions in a scene that inspired the grocery store scene from** _ **Home Alone**_ **and watching** _ **Home Alone**_ **reminds me of this scene.**

 _ **Miles Russell: Where do you live?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: In the city.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: You have a house.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Apartment.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Own or rent?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Rent.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: What do you do for a living?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Lots of things.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Where's your office?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I don't have one.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: How come?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I don't need one.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: Where's your wife?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Don't have one.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: How come.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: It's a long story.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: You have any kids?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: No, I don't.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: How come?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: It's an even longer story.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Home Alone**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Check-Out Woman (Played by Tracy J. Connor): Where do you live?**_

 _ **Kevin McCallister (Played by Macauley Culkin): I can't tell you that.**_

 _ **Check-Out Woman: Why not?**_

 _ **Kevin McCallister: Because you're a stranger.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, now it's time to drop the kids off at school and Buck drops Tia off at her school, in a dilapidated 1977 Mercury Marquis that pours smoke and…**

 **(The car makes a whistling noise as Miles and Maizy close their eyes)**

"Uh, why is the car making that noise? And why are they closing their eyes? What is going on here?" Sean asked. "And you do know that a bunch of teenagers see you in the car and why are they backing away?"

 **(Buck's car backfires as the teenage students at Tia's school scream and duck down)**

"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out his pistol and points it at the camera. "Dude, get your car fixed because I almost shot my cameraman."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we get a battle of wills between Buck and Tia when the rebellious teenager doesn't want her uncle to pick her up and she ends up backtalking to him.**

 **T** _ **ia Russell: I'm stunned that I'm related to you.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: You get the pole out of your keister, we're gonna get along just fine.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?**_

 **(Footage from** _ **Nothing But Trouble**_ **is shown as we see John Candy in drag, playing a character named Eldonna. Eldonna is wearing a wedding dress and she kisses Chevy Chase's character Chris Thorne)**

 _ **Buck Russell: No.**_

 **(Miles laughs and Maizy smiles as Buck smiles at Tia. Tia rolls her eyes and steps out of the car)**

"Crazy uncles, am I right?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Buck taking care of things around the house after he calls Chanice but she ends up yelling at him for not coming to work. We see Buck watching political TV while eating a box of Frosted Flakes while making a mess and falling asleep. We then see Buck taking a look at some photos from Bob and Cindy's wedding and my God, that's a silly pornstache on Bob. Did Cindy marry him because she thought he looks handsome with it? But hey, we see that one of the photos Buck is left out of the photo after unfolding one side. Sister-in-laws, am I right? Later, Buck arrives to Tia's school to pick her up, only to find her sucking face with….**

 **(Buck's car backfires again)**

Sean yelps and ducks for cover.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck sees Tia sucking face with her douchebag boyfriend named Bug, played by Jay Underwood.**

"And you're probably wondering how I recognized Jay Underwood. I grew up watching Disney Channel. He played android Chip Carson in _Not Quite Human_ , _Not Quite Human II_ and _Still Not Quite Human_. He also played Eric in _The Boy Who Could Fly_. Oh, yeah. Then there's the cancelled 1994 film adaptation of _The Fantastic Four_." Sean said.

 _ **Bug (Played by Jay Underwood): You ever hear of a tune-up? (Laughs)**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Hee hee hee! You ever hear of a ritual killing? (Laughs)**_

 **(Bug stops laughing)**

 _ **Bug: I don't get it.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Hee hee hee hee hee!**_

"Okay, that's definitely gonna be me when I have a daughter. I'm gonna be that overprotective father who's gonna threaten her boyfriend. And by the way, who names their kid "Bug"? I know there's actor Bug Hall but his real name is "Brandon". But seriously, Tia's boyfriend's name is "Bug". What's his last name "Spray"?" Sean asked.

 _ **Buck Russell: What's his last name? Spray? (Chuckles)**_

"Hey, that's my line. You stole my line!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Cindy calls to check up on Buck and kids and Tia talks to her mother and yeah, Tia's being a teenage brat. Buck tells Cindy that every thing is fine. The next day, we see Buck is trying to wash clothes in the washing machine as Bob and Cindy's neighbor named Marcie, played by** _ **Roseanne**_ **and** _ **The Conners**_ **star Laurie Metcalf, and we get another one of my favorite moments and this moment is like an adult joke from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **.**

 **(Buck is in the laundry room trying to open the washing machine while Marcie checks it out)**

 _ **Buck Russell: (To the washing machine) Yeah, I'm getting mad. All right. Get ready. Here I come. Come on. What? Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on, open up for daddy. Shove my load… there we go. Nice and easy. (Banging) Come on. There we go. Take that! Take that! Come on. You don't want the crowbar, do you? Open up! Come on! I'm going to shove my load into you whether you like it or not.**_

"You know, for kids!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

"Goodnight, everybody!" Brian said in his Yakko voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Marcie spies on Buck, thinking that he's doing something sexual in the laundry room and screams right after the dog sniffs her and she tries to attack Buck with pepper spray.**

 _ **Buck Russell: What? Who are you?**_

 _ **Marcie Dalhgren-Frost (Played by Laurie Metcalf): Cindy!**_

 _ **Buck Russell: She's in Indianapolis.**_

 _ **Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: What's she doing in Indianapolis?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Her father had a heart attack.**_

 _ **Marcie Dalghren-Frost: Who are you and how do you know that her father had a heart attack?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I'm her brother-in-law.**_

 _ **Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Oh, yeah! Who you talking dirty to?**_

"I was talking dirty to Cali Carter while I was banging her on the washing machine. Who do you think, lady?!" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck introduces himself to Marcie and Marcie, being the desperate housewife that she is, tries to flirt with Buck and ask him out. Later that night, Tia is planning on going out with some friends until Buck invites her to go bowling with Miles and Maizy and the battle of the wills between Buck and his teenage niece continues.**

 _ **Tia Russell: I'll die before I go anywhere with you.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: It's going to be fun.**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: They have rent-a-shoes.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: And rent-a-foot-disease.**_

"Hey! Don't diss bowling, guys." Brian said.

 _ **Buck Russsell: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Try me.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: How'd you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy out-of-work bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.**_

 **(Buck makes the sound of an electric razor and we see a shocked expression on Tia's face)**

Sean chuckles a bit after seeing Tia's reaction. "Okay, that reaction from Jean Louisa Kelly is priceless. It looks like she's in a horror. In fact, if _Uncle Buck_ was a horror film, then it would be waaaaaaay different."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck goes bowling with Miles and Maizy while Tia watches them playing and she's getting bored, while some sleazy guy named Pal, played by Dennis Cockrum a.k.a. Terry Milkovich from** _ **Shameless**_ **, tries to hit on her. Dude, she's not for you. She's only fifteen! She's not going to be impressed by the cut on your upper lip because you're trying to look cool with the fucking toothpick.**

"I can't believe it. This jackass is in his mid-thirties and he's trying to flirt with a teenage girl. And what's even more stupid was the fact that he thought he had a chance." Sean said.

 _ **Pal (Played by Dennis Cockrum): You like all-terrain vehicles? I got a brand-new Bronco right out in the parking lot.**_

 **(Buck notices Pal trying to hit on Tia)**

 _ **Tia Russell: (Whispers) My throat sort of hurts. I can't… I can't talk.**_

 _ **Pal: I've got a cure for that.**_

"No! No! No! No means No, Mr. Milkovich! You stay away from her! Why don't you get Svetlana to bang your son Mickey in front of Ian." Sean said.

"Don't make me use this, man." Brian said, getting out a can of pepper spray.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Buck arrives to threaten that sleazebag. Now I know how Pal got the black eye. We're also introduced to one of Buck's buddies, E. Roger Coswell, played by Brian Tarantina. Roger tells Buck about a horse race coming up on a Friday night and that he'll make a whole lot of money if he shows up. Then, Tia asks Buck who's Chanice.**

 _ **Tia Russell: What's a Chanice?**_

"Or ask him what's a Chanice." Sean said.

 _ **Tia Russell: Are you supposed to marry her or something?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: The subject has come up, yes, but nothing serious.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Maybe if you got married, you'd stop being such an asshole.**_

"Ooh, burn!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Buck is preparing a big breakfast for Miles because today is Miles' birthday. And I mean a big breakfast. Take a look at those big-ass pancakes!**

 **(We see Buck trying to flip over a big pancake with a shovel. We cut to Miles and Maizy run down the stairs and see the dining room decorated with party streamers and they see a plate with a giant stack of pancakes and sausage links surrounding it)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Happy birthday! Whoo! Ha ha ha ha! I hope you're hungry. You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.**_

 **(A big smile appears on Miles' face)**

"Okay, where the hell did Buck get those big-ass pancakes from? I want what Miles is having and those pancakes look good. I wish IHOP could sell big-ass pancakes like Uncle Buck." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to one of my favorite moments from the film when Miles' mom hired a clown to perform at Miles' birthday and we see that Pooter-the-Clown, played by Mike Starr, should appear on World's Dumbest Partiers because he had too much to drink.**

 _ **Pooter-the-Clown (Played by Mike Starr): I'm sorry I'm late. I was at this all-night bachelorette party. Need any dildo jokes?**_

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No need for that, keep it at a PG-rating, you drunk clown." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck then realizes that Pooter had a few too many drinks and ejects the guy from the property, but the drunken clown won't take no for an answer. So, Buck deals with him in his very own special way.**

 _ **Buck Russell: Get in your mouse and get out of here.**_

 _ **Pooter-the-Clown: Hey you. Let me tell you something, you low-life, lying, four-flushing, sack of shit.**_

 **(Buck punches the drunken clown. Pooter-the-Clown shakes his head and growls at Buck before Buck punches him out again)**

"And that's how you deal with Pennywise the Clown's drunken brother." Sean said as the doorbell rings. "Hold on."

The young critic gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the door, opening it up, only to see Pennywise the Clown from the 2017 film adaptation of _It_ standing in front of him.

"Hello, Sean. Want a balloon? A nice, shiny red balloon. They float. Oh, they all float. And you will too." Pennywise the Clown said as Sean pulls out Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun and aims it at the killer clown's face.

"Float away, you son of a bitch." Sean said.

"Uh-oh." Pennywise said.

We cut to black and we hear Sean firing his shotgun at Pennywise the Clown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Tia snuck out of the house and she's hanging out with her friends and you know it's a John Hughes movie when you see teenagers making out in the woods and want to have sex in the car. But then Bug gets Buckblocked when…**

 **(We hear the sound of Buck's car backfiring again)**

Sean quickly pulls out his pistol and accidentally shoots his cameraman Dave in the leg.

"Oh, shit! Dave! Dude, I am so sorry I didn't mean to shoot you." Sean said as he ran over to Dave.

"What the hell?! You shot me in the leg!" Dave cried out.

"Hey, just be glad that I didn't shoot you in the face like Dick Cheney. Come on, let's take you to a hospital." Sean said, helping his cameraman up.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Buck arrives to pick Tia up right before Bug and Tia get freaky with each other and leading to a teen pregnancy. And being the overprotective uncle that he is, he threatens Bug.**

 _ **Buck Russell: You know what a hatchet is don't you, Bug?**_

 _ **Bug: It's an ax?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Sort of. Yeah. I got one in the car if you'd like to see it.**_

 _ **Bug: I'll pass.**_

"Maybe Buck can show you his rifles that he likes to go bug hunting with." Sean said.

 _ **Buck Russell: Ah, you know, a situation may come up, say uh… say for example someone's been drinking and about to drive a loved one home. Then, I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill but just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Woosh! The elbow. Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Whoop! Woo! You got both kneecaps?**_

 **(A clip from KidBehindACamera's** _ **The Truth About Doug… (Part Four)**_ **video is shown)**

 _ **Bridgette: How do you like your knees, Michael?**_

 **(Michael gives Bridgette a look, then throws his drink)**

 _ **Michael: How do I like my knees?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I like to keep mine razor-sharp, too. Sharp enough you can shave with them. Well, I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat, are you Bug? Wait a minute. Bug…gnat. Is there a little similarity there? Whoa! I think there is. (Laughs) You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back.**_

 **(We hear the sound of a dog howling as Buck laughs)**

"Now, she's definitely gonna hate you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And with the eerie music by Ira Newborn, a frequent collaborator for John Hughes, it makes it seem like I'm watching a horror film. Was it John Hughes' intention to turn** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **into a horror movie? You know, I really am wondering if this was meant to be a legitimate scary film.**

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(The Universal Pictures logo is shown. Then we cut to shots of the movie like it's a trailer for a horror movie.)**

 **(The phone rings as Bob answers the phone)**

 _ **Bob Russell: Hello? Oh, God.**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: What happened?**_

 _ **Bob Russell: Your dad had a heart attack.**_

 **Announcer: A family in crisis.**

 _ **Cindy Russell: Who's going to watch the kids?**_

 _ **Bob Russell: What about Buck?**_

 _ **Cindy Russell: I don't want him here.**_

 **(We see Buck playing** _ **The Twilight Zone**_ **theme on the piano)**

 **Announcer: A family in desperate need of help.**

 _ **Tia Russell: Next time you take off, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?**_

 **(We see Buck smiling)**

 _ **Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Hello?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: You ever hear of a ritual killing?**_

 **Announcer: A family that prays together….**

 **(We get a shot of Miles and Maizy asleep in their beds and Tia waking up in her bed. We then see a drill going through the lock of the doorknob and the door being kicked open as we see a silhouette of Buck)**

 _ **Buck Russell: You remember me?**_

 **Announcer: ….is slain together.**

 _ **Buck Russell: The Uncle Buck./Shave a little meat off the old kneecap.**_

 **Announcer: From John Hughes. When the guilty go unpunished… Phone Home.**

 _ **Bob Russell: Oh, shit.**_

 **Announcer: John Candy.** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **. Trust him… he's family.**

 **(We cut to Buck holding up a hatchet in his hand)**

 **Announcer: Written, produced and directed by John Hughes. Coming soon.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **(The next scene cuts to Buck going down to Maizy's school to talk with the school principal)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Buck embarrasses Tia, he goes down to Miles and Maizy's school to talk with the school principal while Tone Loc's** _ **Wild Thing**_ **starts playing. And this shows how awesome and badass Uncle Buck could be. He can go down to your school wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar when there's clearly no smoking in the school. He enters the principal's office to speak with… (sees the mole on the principal's face) holy guacamole! I'm sorry. We see him speaking with the school principal, Mrs. Hoargarth played by Suzanne Shepherd.**

 _ **Buck Russell: Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart, not her wart. I'm… I'm the wart. She's my tumor, my…my growth, my, uh…my pimple. I'm "Uncle Wart.". Just old Buck "Wart" Russell, that's what they call me. Or uh, melanoma head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma head's" coming. I'm sorr…uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle. I'm her uncle.**_

"Hey, be careful with what you say about Carmella Soprano's mo….mo….mooooooo…. mother. Yes, Carmella's mother. Yes, I do realize that she has a huge mole on her face. Did I mention that Suzanne Shepherd played Edie Falco's character's mother Mary DeAngelis in _The Sopranos_ and Lorraine Bracco's character's mother in _Goodfellas_? I just wanted you guys to mole…know! I just wanted you guys to know! I got to stop saying mole. Mole. Mole. Mole! Moley, moley, moley, moley!" Sean yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers in Goldmember**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Basil Exposition (Played by Michael York): Oh, shut up!**_

"Sorry." Sean apologized. "Mole."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The assistant principal talks to Buck about Maizy and that she has a problem with Maizy because she's a bad egg and she becomes a bitch about it and Buck defends his little niece and we get another favorite moment of mine from the movie.**

 _ **Maizy's Teacher (Played by Ron Payne): Maizy.**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: My uncle was microwaving my socks and the dog threw up on the counter for about an hour.**_

 _ **Maizy's Teacher: Honest?**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: Honest.**_

 _ **Maizy's Teacher: Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?**_

 _ **Maizy Russell: He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.**_

 _ **Maizy's Teacher: Blasphemer!**_

We see Sean breaking down laughing and lies down on his couch while laughing as the clip of Maizy's teacher yelling out "Blasphemer!" is shown again. "Okay, I just love that line delivery coming from that Crispin Glover-lookalike. Hell, that line works every time for somebody who says something. Like so."

 **(Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean is trying to write some steamy Varchie smut for** _ **Riverdale**_ **on Fanfiction)**

 **Sean: Geez, I'm stuck having writer's block while trying to write some good Archie/Veronica smut. What is going on here?**

 **Rob: Archie and Veronica? You ship those two? Hey, Fanfiction has mostly Reggie/Veronica smut since they're better than Archie/Veronica because Camilla Mendes is dating Charles Melton.**

 **Sean: (Picks up his ruler) Blasphemer!**

 **(Next Cutaway Gag)**

 **Sean: Okay, so which** _ **Star Trek**_ **movie is the best movie ever? I say** _ **Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home**_ **.**

 **Brian:** _ **The Voyage Home?**_ _ **Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country**_ **is much better.**

 **Lucas: Are you kidding me?** _ **The Wrath of Khan**_ **is the best film out of the series.**

 **Adam: Well, I say** _ **Star Trek V: The Final Frontier**_ **is a much better film.**

 **Brian: (Punches his brother in the face) Blasphemer!**

 **(Next Cutaway Gag)**

 **(Sean and Taylor are both sitting on the couch watching television while Sean flips through channel to channel to look for something to watch)**

 **Sean: Oh, yes!** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is on HBO. About time they're showing it again on HBO.**

 **Taylor:** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **? Are you serious? It's just like the same film and that one sucked.**

 **Sean: Blasphemer! I'm dating a blasphemer!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right after the assistant principal bad mouths his niece, Buck let's that lady have it.**

 **Buck Russell: You so much as scowl at my niece or any other kid in this school and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you. Take this quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.**

 **(Mrs. Hoargarth gasps)**

 _ **Buck Russell: (Winks at the assistant principal) Good day to you, madam.**_

 **(Buck leaves her office)**

 _ **Mrs. Hoargarth (Played by Suzanne Shepherd): Next**_ **.**

"Way to go, Buck! Way to defend your family!" Sean cheered.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Chanice gets a message from Buck on her answering machine with Buck telling her how much he misses her and the message is a bit too revealing.**

 _ **Buck Russell: (On the answering machine) I think about you all the time. I think about those two little dimples on your buns. (Chuckles)**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Dimples.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: What did we call them? The one on the right was Lyndon, and the left was…**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Johnson.**_

 **(Chanice chuckles)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Johnson. No, that was your boobs we named them. No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey. I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix. Felix is what we named your…**_

 **(We cut to a shot of the Russell house and we hear a cat meowing)**

"Whoa! You do realize that this movie is rated PG, right? And they showed that on Disney Channel! Kids aren't going to understand that one! It's like me naming Taylor's boobs Coop and Cami and Sylvester is the name of her…" Sean said as we cut to a shot of Sean's house and we hear the sound of Riley meowing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Chanice calls Buck and Tia, who's still pissed at Buck for ruining her dating life, answers the phone by getting her revenge on Buck by saying that he's with Marcie, the lady across the street. What a super King Kamehameha bitch! Trying to ruin your uncle's relationship because he's ruining your life. What kind of niece are you? The next day, we see Buck doing the laundry by drying the clothes in the microwave and some desperate housewife shows up.**

 _ **Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: Is there a big, sexy guy in here?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Oh, please don't let it be true.**_

"Look, I've heard of desperate housewives wanting to sleep with guys. But…" Sean said.

 _ **Marcie Dahlgren-Frost: You don't know what you're doing. You're bored out of your mind, you need a little adult supervision.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Excuse me?**_

"Okay, she's a super desperate housewife. She wants to jump his bones!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to make matters worse, his girlfriend Chanice arrives and she finds Buck dancing with Marcie. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, shit.**

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Marcie.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Yeah. Marcie, and, uh…she lives across the road. She came over to…**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Shut up, Buck.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: That's a good idea.**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Is this who you were out with last night?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: What? I didn't go out last night. Hey, look. Honest. Honest. I'm telling the truth.**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: You son of a bitch!**_

"Yikes, when your girlfriend thinks that you're sleeping with the woman who lives across the street and you're not, she's definitely going to be fifty shades of pissed off at you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So much for his love life. Anyway, later that night, Tia asks her Uncle Buck if she could go out tomorrow night and Buck says no.**

 _ **Tia Russell: You just can't find any way to be cool, can you?**_

 _ **Buck Russell: You mean easy? No.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: I mean decent.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: You mean blind.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Who are you trying to score points with my parents? How many times have they had you here since we moved? Try none until they went up shit creek and got stuck.**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Get used on your parents' time.**_

 **(Buck walks away)**

 _ **Tia Russell: Hey, Buck!**_

 _ **Buck Russell: Yeah.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?**_

"Geez, Tia. What's the matter with you? Dude, you're just going to let your niece talk to you like that? I'm not for violence against children but if that was me and my teenage niece talks to me like that and ruins my love life, I would go for Option F, for fuck her ass up!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Tia leaves home and sneaks to go to a party at friend's house while Buck waits for her at school, then comes home only to find Miles and Maizy at the house doing their homework. So, Buck decides to take them with him to a racetrack, but Buck starts having second thoughts and decides to go after Tia. So, he calls Chanice, who's still livid at him, for help so she can watch Miles and Maizy while he looks for Tia. And while Buck goes after Tia, Chanice goes over to the house to watch Miles and Maizy and we get this little scene where Miles interrogates Chanice through the mail slot. Fun fact: this scene gave John Hughes the idea for** _ **Home Alone**_ **.**

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Hi! I'm Chanice Kobolowski. I'm Uncle Buck's friend.**_

 _ **Miles Russell: May I see your driver's license, ma'am?**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Yeah. Sure. Good idea. Here! I got it! See? Look. Look!**_

 **(Chanice shows Miles her driver's license)**

 _ **Miles Russell: Can you please take it out of there?**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: Take it out?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Buck is on his way to this big party where Tia is at with Bug, and we see that Bug…**

 **(We see Bug trying to have sex with some girl that's supposed to be Tia)**

"Uh, hey. I'm keeping an eye on you PG movie. I had to deal with your sexual innuendos and language. We do not need to see teen sex in a family film." Sean said.

 **(Bug takes off the girl's pants, revealing her panties)**

 _ **Girl: Stop it, please.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, dear.**

 _ **Girl: I don't want to do this.**_

 _ **Bug: Just relax.**_

"Okay! I'm gonna stop right there. You're trying to show rape in a PG movie. Hughes, what were you thinking?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right before things go too far, Buck interrupts Bug and Tia by kicking the door open and armed with a power drill. But he sees Bug with another girl and not Tia. So, Buck kidnaps Bug. Anyway, Buck eventually finds Tia wandering through the streets and she tells him that he was right about Bug for taking advantage of her. And then we get this moment between Buck and Tia.**

 _ **Buck Russell: I've been riding your butt all week about how you live your life. I realize maybe somebody should've been riding mine.**_

We cut to Sean spitting out his coffee.

 _ **Buck Russell: I really could use your advice, vis-à-vis Chanice. I've been, uh, stringing her along for about eight years now. Maybe you could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.**_

"I know what the hell is wrong with you, you're a slob!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Tia apologizes to Buck and the two make up as she asks him if he did anything to Bug. Well, he has Bug tied up in the trunk of his car and Buck asks him to apologize to Tia for hurting her.**

 _ **Bug: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ok, asshole? I'm sorry!**_

 _ **Buck Russell: I don't know if I told you this but I'm an amateur dentist.**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Oh, yes. He is.**_

 **(Tia is holding a power drill while laughing maniacally)**

"Jesus, Kim Warner was crazy in her teen years." Sean said as his eyes widened in shock.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bug apologizes as Buck lets him out of the trunk of the car. Well, at least Bug won't do anything stupid like talking shit to him….**

 _ **Bug: Well, come on back, and I'll kick your ass, man! Chicken shit! You're dead!**_

Sean rolls his eyes and slaps his forehead in disgust. "Dude, do you have a death wish? You can't just threaten the guy. He's gonna kill you."

 _ **Bug: Shit.**_

 **(He starts running away while Buck backs up)**

 _ **Bug: I'm gonna sue your balls off, man! Why don't you come again? Come on! Come on, man! I'm going to sue you and I'm gonna sue your whole family.**_

"Oh, that's right. Keep talking shit, man. You're only making it worse for yourself." Sean said.

 **(Buck pulls out a 5 wood)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, shit. Buck's about to go Payne Stewart on his ass!**

 **(Buck hits Bug with a golf ball)**

 _ **Buck Russell: Yes, sir!**_

 _ **Bug: You son of a bitch! That hurt! Hey, hey, hey! I'm not sorry, all right? (Laughs) I ain't sorry for shit!**_

"Alright, Buck. Now, hit that bozo in the eye with the golf ball." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Buck helps Tia out with her Bug problem….**

 **(A comedic drum roll rimshot is heard)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Tia helps Buck out with his Chanice problem, by helping him reconcile with Chanice by admitting her lie. She even tells Chanice that Buck would be a good husband and father.**

 _ **Tia Russell: I think he'd make a wonderful husband and father.**_

 _ **Chanice Kobolowski: You do?**_

 _ **Tia Russell: Oh, yeah. My sister and brother adore him. Um, he really has changed since he's been here this week. He really has changed. He's responsible and caring and loving and enthusiastic…**_

"Are you sure he's not standing behind the door, whispering everything for her to say about him?" Sean asked.

 **(Chanice kicks the door open, hitting Buck in the face, sending him flying to the floor as we hear a comedic tweeting sound after Buck gets knocked out)**

Sean chuckles a bit. "This is why I love these John Hughes movies, they tend to play some of the most comedic sound effects ever."

 _ **Buck Russell: Hi, honey! Is the coffee ready? Ha ha. A little thirsty. By the way, I have told you I loved you, you know? And it wasn't for tires, sweetheart. It was for shocks, remember?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Buck reconciles with Chanice and Bob and Cindy return from Indianapolis after Cindy's father recovered and Tia surprises her mother.**

 **(Tia hugs her mother)**

"You know, I could do a _Home Alone_ joke and replace Hugh Harris' _Rhythm of Life_ with John Williams' music score, but I don't want to because I love this song and it works for this tender moment between a daughter reconciling with her mother." Sean said.

 **(Buck knocks down the pots and pans in the kitchen)**

 **Buck Russell: Shit!**

"Well, parents. Aren't you glad you took your kids to see that movie just to hear John Candy cursing?" Sean asked with a smile on his face.

"Way to ruin the moment, Buck." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film ends with Buck and Chanice leaving for Chicago and Buck and Tia exchange a loving goodbye wave.**

 **(Buck and Tia wave goodbye to each other)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Hugh Harris'** _ **Rhythm of Life**_ **and I really like this song. The end.**

"And that was _Uncle Buck_ and this movie still holds up great." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Although, the film received mixed reviews from critics, I still find it to be very enjoyable. It's a fun, funny, underrated, must-watch, nostalgic classic with a funny character. It's one of the greatest comedies and one of my favorites from the late John Hughes. John Candy is hilarious as the loveable, fun-loving bachelor, Jean Louisa Kelly as the rebellious teen and Macauley Culkin and Gaby Hoffman as the adorable siblings Maizy and Miles, Amy Madigan as Buck's girlfriend and Jay Underwood as the douchebag a-hole boyfriend. These characters are memorable. And the lines are memorable as well along with some of the most funniest scenes. After the film's release, the movie gained a large following and became a cult film.**

"After the film was released in 1989, there was a sitcom that aired on CBS in 1990 based on the film." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the 1990 sitcom is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that some of you want me to talk about the show and I'm gonna. Yeah, I found out about it when I read about it in an issue of** _ **Entertainment Weekly**_ **. The show stars the late Kevin Meaney as the title character. In the show, Buck is named the guardian to Tia, Miles and Maizy after their parents Bob and Cindy die in a car accident. The show also stars Dah-Ve Chodan as his teenage niece Tia and Jacob Gelman and Sarah Martineck as her siblings Miles and Maizy.**

 _ **Tia Russell (Played by Dah-Ve Chodan): Then Uncle Buck, you're stepping on my private life.**_

 _ **Buck Russell (Played by the late Kevin Meaney): I'll be stepping on more than that if I don't like this guy.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I've checked out a couple of episodes of the show on YouTube and I thought it was okay. I thought that Kevin Meaney did a pretty good job as the title character, but I still say that John Candy is much better Uncle Buck.**

"And then in 2016, there was the _Uncle Buck_ reboot that aired on ABC and it starred Mike Epps as the title character. Yeah, Mike Epps from the movies _Next Friday_ , _Friday After Next_ and the Starz show _Survivor's Remorse_. And do you want to know what I think about the show? IT FUCKING SUCKS!" Sean yelled out. "People can hate on the _Ghostbusters_ reboot featuring an all-female team. And you know how I feel about reboots. I don't have a problem with _Uncle Buck_ being a reboot with an all-black cast, but seriously? I watched only one episode of the show and I stopped watching it after that. What the hell were they thinking?! _Uncle Buck_ is not a _Star Wars_ property! I love the movie. John Candy was hilarious, Macauley Culkin was amazing. The movie was fucking amazing and I've seen it like 500 times. Hell, people who seen the movie and watched the trailer for the show, they thought it was trash. If I want to watch a show with an all-black cast, I'd stick with _Black-ish_ , it's a much better show than _Uncle Buck_! Hollywood, here's a little message for you and you should learn this from _Scream 4_ , don't fuck with the original!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Enough about me ranting, anyway the film's pretty good and when you come across this little nostalgic gem, feel free to check it out. That's why I'm giving** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **4 big-ass pancakes out of 5.**

"And that is all for my review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said, ending today's review.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Wake up! (Horn blows)**_

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of the movie** _ **Uncle Buck**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed reading reading this hilarious review. Any moments that had you cracking up while reading it? Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a break from reviewing movies and this time, he reviews some old nostalgic commercials in** _ **Commercials: The Phantom Menace**_ **. Any classic commercials for me to check out for this one? Feel free to let me know. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	43. Episode Thirty-Nine: Commercials I

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean takes a break from looking at nostalgic movies and decides to look at old commercials from the 80's and 90's. This is the very first Commercials special for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. So sit back, relax, grab yourself something to snack on and let's take a look at nostalgic commercials in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Thirty-Nine**

 **Commercials: The Phantom Menace**

We find Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the recliner in his living room wearing a Cap'n Crunch t-shirt while chowing down on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and Double Stuff Oreos piled on top of him while. The young critic is also seen watching television.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before stuffing his face with an Oreo cookie. "Okay, so you're probably wondering "What is this lazy bum doing?", well I've been watching old commercials on my YouTube app on my TV and I felt like watching some nostalgic TV."

 **(We start by seeing various commercials that we watched during our childhood)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, Nintendo 64. I remember your commercial when you first advertised after you released in North America. You amazed us with your power with 64-bit technology, 360 degree viewing, 3D graphics that blew our minds.**

"You definitely changed the system, old friend." Sean said as he starts munching on some Doritos.

 **(We then get footage from an Obsession commercial from 1996)**

 _ **Man: The accused stands before you on trial for his sins.**_

 _ **Man #2: Forgive me, I loved you all.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. You gave us a creepy-ass commercial where some guy is on trial for his sins because he was living with obsession.**

 _ **Man #2: If living with obsession is a sin, let me be guilty.**_

"What is it with commercials. What is it about them that draws us, the viewer into them? They're so inviting and yet gives us comfort. Plus, as kids, when we watch them we bugged our parents to get what we saw on television until their heads explode. Originally, I was supposed to review a little Thanksgiving movie since Thanksgiving is next week, but you know what I am going to bring you my very first commercials special. Hey, if the Nostalgia Critic can do an episode dedicated to commercials, then I can too. Welcome to a segment that I like to call, _Commercials: The Phantom Menace_." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(We see an ABC Saturday Morning Bumper featuring the dog What-a-Mess from 1994, a Fox Kids Network Bumper from 1992 featuring Dynamo Duck, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, a CBS Saturday Morning bumper featuring Felix the Cat and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988)**

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Crash Bandicoot**_ **commercial)**

 **(A guy dressed as Crash Bandicoot arrives at Nintendo Headquarters)**

 _ **Crash Bandicoot: (Speaking through the megaphone) Hey, Plumber Boy! Mustache Man! Your worst nightmare has arrived.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Here's a little commercial from 1996 advertising for the new game** _ **Crash Bandicoot**_ **on the PlayStation. He appears on the parking lot and he trashes Nintendo. That was back when he waged war on Nintendo. I call it the Nintendo/PlayStation War.**

 _ **Crash Bandicoot: Pack up your stuff, I got a little surprise for you here. (He reveals 6 TVs, showing gameplay from the game) Check it out. What do you think about that? You got real time, 3D, lush organic environments. How's that make you feel, buddy?**_

"Yeah, I also got levels that'll make you rage till you break your controller." Sean said, imitating the man dressed as Crash Bandicoot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It was back during the time when I owned an Nintendo 64 before I switched over to the PlayStation 2.**

 **(We see a photo of Sean with his Xbox One, Xbox One X and his PlayStation 4)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, the times have changed.**

 _ **Crash Bandicoot: Feel a little like your electric day are numbered?**_

"And you want to know what the ironic thing is? _Crash Bandicoot_ is on the Nintendo Switch. Oh, have the tables have turned." Sean said. "You know, since he's on Plumber Boy's console now, do you think that they'll make-up?"

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, who's dressed as Crash Bandicoot, and Brian, who's dressed as Mario, sitting in Chandler's Burger Bistro having lunch)**

 **Sean: (as Crash Bandicoot) Look, I know that I have been giving you and your console shit 22 years ago and talking bad about you. Since, my remastered trilogy is going to be on the Nintendo Switch since last year my game was both on the PlayStation 4 and the Xbox One, I was hoping that we could put the past behind us and be friends?**

 **Brian: (as Mario while eating a Pub Platter Sandwich) Sure. All is forgiven. You'll be on the same console as me and another character who was on my console.**

 **(Brian points to Adam, who's dressed as Mega Man)**

 **Adam: (as Mega Man) Hey.**

 **Crash Bandicoot: Hey, we got him after he jumped ship from the Super Nintendo.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, at least him and Plumber Boy are friends now.**

 _ **Security Guard: (While escorting Crash off of the parking lot) Is that Italian?**_

 _ **Crash Bandicoot: No, bandicoot. It's an Australian name.**_

 **(TV static transition to: Shrinky Dinks commercial)**

 _ **Background Singers: Make the fun shine!**_

 _ **Children: Shrinky Dinks!**_

"Hey, watch it! This is a family-friendly fanfic." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, what is the big deal with those things? I've never owned them when I was a kid.**

 _ **Chorus: Color in a Shrinky Dink. Cut out a Shrinky Dink. Then mom fix it and right before your eyes, your Shrinky Dink shrinks right down to size.**_

 _ **Background Vocal: Like magic.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, you color in a Shrinky Dink, then you cut it out and put it in the oven and it shrinks right down to size before your very eyes. Does anyone remember those things?**

 _ **Little Girl: Fabulous.**_

 _ **Little Boy: Fantastic.**_

"Yeah, right. I find that boring. That's not even remotely fun. Just playing around with shrunken colorful paper. What an amazing day to have fun." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I just love the little boy's reaction while he's holding the Shrinky Dink.**

 _ **Little Boy: Fantastic.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's like he's not interested in playing with it. He's not amazed.**

"Wow, it's amazing. I want to play my G.I. Joes." Sean said, in a disinterested tone.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But, oh, well. It's a fun way to make your day shine.**

 _ **Background Singers: Shrinky Dinks make the fun shine!**_

 _ **Announcer: By Colorform.**_

 **(TV static transition to: Oreo commercial circa 1983)**

 **(We see a boy with glasses putting together a Tinker Toy set. The boy gets an idea, smiling and picks up an Oreo cookie)**

 _ **Announcer: (singing) Oh, oh, oh! Bright ideas and an Oreo cookie….**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we all remember that classic jingle for Oreo. We all remember what to do to an Oreo cookie. We can dunk it, we can crunch it, we can unscrew it, we can lick it and we can even fry it. Yeah, there's fried Oreos. Although, while watching this commercial, I just love the kids' reactions to eating an Oreo cookie. They have some of the silliest reactions.**

 **(We see the kids' reactions to eating an Oreo cookie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and recognizes the young black boy in the commercial) Hell, you can even spot a young Jaleel White in this commercial.**

"No, I'm not kidding. That's Jaleel White." Sean said, pointing away from the camera.

 **(We see a young Jaleel White eating an Oreo cookie)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Steve Urkel) Did I do that?**

 **(We then see one boy eating an Oreo cookie. He looks directly into the camera as his eyes widen in excitement)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Take a look at this kid. I hate to be mean but that kid just creeps me the fuck out. He's just eating his Oreo cookie. It looks like he's staring directly into your soul.**

 **(Jerry Goldsmith's** _ **Ave Satani**_ **from** _ **The Omen**_ **starts playing, cutting back to the wide-eyed boy)**

"Quick, don't look directly into the boy's eyes!" Sean yelled out, covering his eyes.

 _ **Announcer: Oreo and Oreo Double Stuff cookies.**_

 **(We see the words "Nabisco Brands" appear next to the Nabisco logo while we hear a "ding" sound)**

 **(TV static transition: Big Time Action Heroes toy commercial)**

 **(We see a giant Wolverine toy walking through a suburban neighborhood and we see the Giant Wolverine toy duking it out with a Giant Spider-Man toy)**

 _ **Announcer: Time to do battle with those Big Time Action Heroes.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whoa, this is like a Marvel fan's wet dream. I remember watching that commercial on my old** _ **Beetleborgs/Power Rangers Zeo**_ **tape when I was a kid and I remember watching Wolverine and Spidey duking it out. Yeah, they're these giant toys that you control with the big time battle grip and you have our heroes fighting.**

 _ **Announcer: Make the big guys walk! Make the big guys talk!**_

 _ **Wolverine: Let's go, punk!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is like watching a commercial for a Godzilla toy commercial. You have Godzilla duking it out with King Ghidora in Tokyo, but instead of Godzilla and King Ghidora, you have Wolverine and Spider-Man fighting to the death in the suburbs while people in the neighborhood are running for their lives and watching them. It's like only one person will leave the suburbs alive.**

 _ **Spider-Man: Spider-sting!**_

 _ **Wolverine: Let's go, punk!**_

"I don't care if I died in my R-rated Wolverine movie, I'm still badass to kill you with my claws and squash you like a bug, you PG-13, kid-friendly superhero." Sean said, imitating Wolverine. "Time to die, motherfucker! AHHHHHHHH!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) These guys gave us an awesome commercial with two awesome superheroes and we wanted those awesome toys.**

 _ **Announcer: Spider-Man and Wolverine, the biggest big-time action heroes ever! Each sold separately.**_

 **(TV static transition: Johnson Boat Commercial)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, a boat commercial. How nice.**

 _ **Singer: You got your sunrise, you caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.**_

Sean makes a confused look on his face. "Excuse me, what?"

 _ **Singer: You, your mate and your Johnson.**_

"Excuse me?" Sean asked with the same confused look on his face.

 _ **Singer: Party nights, summer whites. You, your friends and your Johnson. Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson.**_

We cut to Sean doing a spit take at that line.

 _ **Singer: You, your kids and your Johnson.**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch it now. You keep the kids out of this." Sean said, glaring at the video camera.

 _ **Singer: Saturday nights, distant lights. You, your girl and your Johnson.**_

"HEY! No need for that! What is the matter with you? What is with that commercial? I'm sorry if I have an immature mind but this commercial can be taken the wrong way. How am I supposed to know if they're talking about boats but they're talking about penises! Boy, commercials with innuendos. They need to use that joke in the _Animaniacs_ reboot. That would definitely be a "Goodnight, everybody" moment. A commercial talking about Johnsons. We got Johnsons everywhere! Why am I talking about Johnsons?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Lebowski**_ **is shown)**

 _ **The Dude (Played by Jeff Bridges): …Johnson?**_

"Enough with the Johnson!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over fifty years.**_

"Shut up!" Sean yelled out as he picked up his remote control.

 **(TV static transition** _ **: Superman 64**_ **commercial)**

 **(We see a newspaper from the** _ **Daily Planet**_ **with the headline "LOIS LANE AND JIMMY OLSEN HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED!")**

 _ **Announcer: Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen have been kidnapped. Who will save the day?**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said, taking off his glasses and making a facepalm.

 **(We see gameplay from** _ **Superman 64**_ **)**

 _ **Announcer: You are Superman.**_

 **(More footage from the video game is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: All the powers are yours. Flight, heat vision, super speed, super strength, freezing breath and x-ray vision.**_

We see Sean's eye twitching while he continues to watch the commercial while trying to keep his cool.

 **Announcer: Superman: The New Adventures video game.**

Sean stays silent for a bit.

 **Sean: (V/O) Warning: What you're about to witness is a rant so awesome and badass it will definitely blow your nuts off. You've been warned.**

"Okay. So, a lot of you want me to talk about this commercial. Yeah, we were definitely duped into getting that game. When we saw the commercial, we saw it was going to awesome since we're all fans of the show. When I saw the commercial, I wanted to play the game. And when we all bought the game and when I rented it from Blockbuster and when we put it in our Nintendo 64 and turned on the console…WE WERE TREATED TO A HEAPING PILE OF SHIT! They gave us a game that makes us fly around rings and give us clunky controls. When you look at the commercial, you'll notice that you didn't see any rings, but in the game we get FUCKING RINGS! That's not what I want in my Superman game. I don't want to spend my time flying around rings!" Sean yelled.

 _ **Announcer: Buy early and receive a DC Comics collector's edition Superman comic book.**_

"Oh, yeah. We'll give you a Superman comic book for all the pain and suffering we've caused you with this video game. Bastards!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I got nothing else to say but…. FUCK THIS GAME!**

 _ **Announcer: Superman: The New Adventures video game.**_

 **(TV static transition to: HBO 1982 Feature Presentation bumper)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this has got to be one of the most amazing bumpers I've ever seen in my entire life.**

"Let's say that you're watching the movie _Tag_ on HBO, what is it that you see before the movie starts?" Sean asked.

 **(We see the current HBO feature presentation bumper from 2017)**

"Right. That's really amazing. Now, let's take a look at the HBO feature presentation bumper from 1982." Sean said.

 **(The feature presentation bumper begins to fly over a cityscape as the music begins to build)**

"What is this whimsical music I'm hearing?" Sean asked.

 **(The bumper continues to fly over the city)**

"I always said I believe I can fly and look at me now, ma! I'm flying! Through a model city but I'm still flying." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And man, the music just builds up and it keeps getting bigger and bigger, building to a crescendo as the bumper flies into space and we get…**

 **(A starburst in space and the HBO logo appears with the Feature Presentation theme starts to play)**

"HBO!" Sean yelled out in excitement.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A movie that shows movies uncut with all the bad words and nudity intact. And they gave us provocative programming like The Sopranos, Oz and Game of Thrones.**

"But hey, there's something special, something magical hidden in the O, What could it be?" Sean asked.

 **(The HBO logo rotates in front of the screen. We see multiple color streaks rotating around the "O" as the camera moves inside the "O")**

"WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!" Sean yelled out.

 **(We see a shot inside the "O" as we see more colorful streaks until the words "HBO Feature Presentation" form from the streaks of color)**

"Man, that was amazing! And you want to know what else is amazing? Let's take a look at the HBO feature presentation bumper from 1987." Sean said.

 **(The HBO Feature Presentation bumper from 1987 is shown. Instead of the classic Feature Presentation theme from 1982, we get a rocking new theme.)**

We then cut to Sean, who's busy playing his guitar to the theme.

 **(We see the colorful dots light up and the camera zooms out with the words "HBO Movie" shown)**

"Man, that was awesome. I mean, fucking awesome! Would you rather watch this?" Sean asked.

 **(The current logo is shown again)**

"Or would you rather watch this?" Sean asked.

 **(The 1982 bumper is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Or this?**

 **(The 1987 bumper is shown)**

"HBO, you have to bring these two back. But first, you and Dish Network have got to end your dispute with each other. If Dish Network doesn't end the dispute, then I will go down there and I will go all _Rains of Castamere_ on their asses!" Sean exclaimed as he pulled out a sword and a crossbow.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Even if the movie you're showing would have to be the 2016** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **reboot… it'll be a bit better with these two intros.**

 **(The HBO feature presentation bumper from 1987 is shown as well as Bronn from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **popping up next to the "HBO Movie" caption.)**

 _ **Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime Fucking Lannister.**_

 **(TV static transition to: Coca-Cola commercial from 1984 with Bill Cosby)**

 _ **Bill Cosby: Ready to drink, Coca-Cola.**_

"Oh, dear lord." Sean said.

 _ **Bill Cosby: Yeah, whenever you pour a Coca-Cola into a glass right then and there it's ready to drink. Really. Unless you want to make it as sweet as say Pepsi. If you did then you have to add some sweetener, you'd have to spoon it, you'd have to stir it up, then drink it 'cause Pepsi's sweeter.**_

"What the hell are you talking about, Cosby?" Sean asked.

 _ **Bill Cosby: See, that's the beauty of Coke. The only thing you have to do to make a perfect Coca-Cola is pour it, maybe add some ice. Ready to drink Coca-Cola, now.**_

 **(The "Coke is it!" tagline pops up next to Cosby while he's holding a can of Coca-Cola)**

"Okay, where do I begin? I mean, it's Bill Cosby in a Coca-Cola commercial. And I know that a lot of you are waiting for me to make a bad joke about Bill Cosby what he's done. I can't make fun of the poor guy, he's been through a lot." Sean said.

 _ **Bill Cosby: Coke is sweet and less than all of those. Now, what does that mean to me?**_

"This Coke is less sweet and best tasting. It not sweet like the rest of the sodas. With Pepsi, it has a lot of sugar in it because they add the sweetener and they have to spoon it and you stir it up and drink it." Sean said, imitating Bill Cosby.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And really? Ready to drink? Isn't Coca-Cola ready to drink in a can? All you do is get a glass and fill it with ice and then you pour Coca-Cola in the glass.**

 _ **Bill Cosby: Attention, Pepsi drinkers. Introducing the new-tasting Coca-Cola, the best Coca-Cola ever. That's all I'm going to say, in fact that's all I have to say. No more words.**_

"But hey, New Coke is not ready unless you add the rohypnol." Sean said as an audience boos at his bad joke. "What? What?! Hey, don't act like you didn't know! Don't act like that I was going to make a joke about Cosby!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, I'm a Pepsi drinker and since I was born in '92, I'm a Pepsi baby. It's a good thing I haven't drank New Coke. And I shouldn't trust that glass of ready to drink Coca-Cola that Bill Cosby has.**

 _ **Bill Cosby: Ready to drink, Coca-Cola. Now.**_

 _ **Singers: Coke is it!**_

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Mighty Morphin Power Rangers**_ **toy commercial)**

 **(We see the** _ **Power Rangers**_ **logo)**

 _ **Announcer: It's the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Teenage defenders of Earth.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! Now we're talkin'. One of the greatest toy commercials ever. Remember when you owned like one of the episodes of** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers**_ **on VHS? I owned** _ **Food Fight**_ **and that stupid** _ **Alpha's Magical Christmas**_ **.**

 **(A VHS tape of** _ **Alpha's Magical Christmas**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that happened. And we'll get to that one soon. But anyway, let's talk about the commercial. Yeah, we have some kid playing with his Power Rangers toys while cutting to clips from the show and while playing with his toy, this happens.**

 _ **Black Ranger: Hey, I thought you were driving?**_

 _ **Red Ranger: Me? I thought you were.**_

 **(We see the kid playing with his Dinozord as the Black Ranger and the Red Ranger scream and we get a shot of a wall exploding. The boy is standing in his room, covered in dust and smoke while holding his Dinozord. He turns around and sees a giant hole in the wall)**

"Jesus Christ, kid!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Was he controlling the Dinozord? Man, playtime can be dangerous. And I have one quick question: where are this kid's parents? Are they out somewhere with the other adults? Or are they just downstairs in the kitchen wondering what their kid is doing?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Brian, playing the father and Cheryl, playing the mother, sitting in the kitchen. Brian is drinking some coffee while Cheryl is fixing some eggs until they hear an explosion coming from their son's room)**

 **Cheryl: (Stops cooking the eggs and looks up) What was that?**

 **Brian: That must be little Jimmy playing his Power Rangers Dinozord in his room. He must be having a lot of fun up there.**

 **Cheryl: Jimmy? Jimmy, are you alright up there?  
**

 **(We see Sean, as their son, standing in his room holding his Power Rangers Dinozord. We see his room is destroyed.)**

 **Sean: I'm fine, mom.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, a pretty cool commercial for an awesome toy even if you're in the need for destruction.**

 _ **Announcer: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Too hot to handle.**_

 **(TV static transition to: Herbal Essences commercial)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you all remember these commercials.**

 _ **Announcer: Women love shampooing with Clairol's Herbal Essences.**_

 **(We see a woman in the shower washing her hair with Herbal Essences shampoo)**

"Is it just me or has commercials gotten sexy?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They show some hot woman taking a shower and she starts washing her hair with this shampoo, and all of a sudden she gets an orgasmic kick from washing her hair.**

 _ **Woman: (While washing her hair) Oh, wow.**_

 _ **Announcer: You'll be overwhelmed of the organic herbs, the all-natural botanicals.**_

 **(The woman washes her hair, then gets an orgasmic experience)**

 _ **Woman: Feels so good.**_

"I wonder how the husband feels if his wife was getting some pleasure in the shower with the shampoo. I had to deal with Taylor shampooing her hair with that stuff, I thought she was lezzing it out with Bailey Brooke in the shower. Which is not a bad idea, by the way. I would definitely watch that hot show." Sean smirked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know, it makes me wonder. What if they made an Herbal Essence for men? What would the commercials be like if they advertised the shampoo for men?**

"If they did, then I don't think that they'll show the commercials. They'll probably be really dirty." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ladies, if your man isn't getting you off or the shower head, then this shampoo will give you a totally "orgasmic" experience.**

 _ **Announcer: Herbal Essences, a totally organic experience.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **When Harry Met Sally**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Older Woman Customer (Played by the late Estelle Reiner): I'll have what she's having.**_

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Super Smash Bros.**_ **commercial)**

 **(We see Mario, Pikachu, Yoshi and Donkey Kong skipping together through a field while** _ **Happy Together**_ **by The Turtles are playing in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, this commercial definitely brought back some nostalgic feels. This is the first commercial for** _ **Super Smash Bros**_ **. on the Nintendo 64 and yeah, I loved the idea of having your favorite characters beating the living crapola out of each other. I mean come on, it's just a cute commercial. It's not like one of the characters is going to do something shocking….**

 **(All of a sudden, Mario kicks Yoshi in the leg, knocking him down to the ground)**

"What the hell?" Sean asked.

 **(Donkey Kong retaliates by punching Mario on the head)**

"Jesus Christ!" Sean said with a shocked look on his face.

 **(We see Mario and Donkey Kong beating up on Yoshi, Donkey Kong grabbing Pikachu by his tail and swinging him around)**

"Sweet heavenly father!" Sean winced.

 _ **Don LaFontaine: (V/O) Something's gone wrong in the happy-go-lucky world of Nintendo.**_

"You're damn right something's gone wrong! We have our favorite characters beating the shit out of each other. This commercial was being cutesy until it turned into a bloodbath in the gladiator ring." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Although I have one question to ask, why did Mario kick Yoshi? Why did he start the fight? Did he have some sort of Vietnam-style flashback to when he was a baby and Yoshi failed to protect him?**

 **(A clip of** _ **Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island**_ **plays, showing a crying Baby Mario being spirited away by Kamek's toadies.)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Mario) That's for losing me, you green asshole.**

"Yeah, that's probably what happened." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I can get why Mario punched Donkey Kong in the gut because he kidnapped Pauline. I wonder if Dashie saw that commercial because he doesn't like Donkey Kong. If he did, then he would jizz in his pants if he saw Donkey Kong getting his ass kicked by Mario and Yoshi. The commercial was funny and violent and we loved it.**

 _ **Don LaFontaine: (V/O) Only on Nintendo 64.**_

 **(We then see Yoshi hitting Donkey Kong in the head with a hammer, knocking him to the ground as we see the N from the Nintendo 64 logo spinning around his head like circling tweeting birds before cutting to the tagline for the N64: "Get N or Get Out")**

 **(TV static transition to: Ayds commercial)**

 _ **Woman: Mmmm, candy!**_

"Ah, a candy commercial. How sweet?" Sean asked, taking a sip from his can of Pepsi.

 _ **Woman: I'm losing weight deliciously with the aid of Ayds.**_

Sean freezes in shock as Pepsi runs out of his mouth.

 _ **Woman #2: Ayds helps put me in control.**_

 _ **Man: Ayds may taste like candy….**_

Sean is still frozen in shock as he continues to stare at the screen.

 _ **Linda Parker: Ayds help me lose weight, and has nothing in it that could make me nervous.**_

"Lady, I have to disagree with you on that. You should be nervous." Sean said.

 _ **Woman #3: Why not try Ayds?**_

"Nope! No! No! No!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Man #2: Question: Why take diet pills when you can enjoy Ayds?**_

"I can think of a lot of reasons. It killed Freddie Mercury, Paul Shenar, Anthony Perkins, Ryan White and Denholm Elliot." Sean said.

 **Announcer: Let the Ayds plan teach you how to take off weight and help keep it off. Try Peanut Butter Ayds.**

Sean stays silent for a bit and picks up his remote, preparing to change to the next commercial.

 _ **Announcer: Lose weight deliciously with the aid of Ayds.**_

"Next!" Sean yelled out.

 **(TV static transition to: Wunder Boner commercial)**

 **(We see three men fishing on a boat until one of them ends up catching a fish.)**

"Ah, a fishing commercial. Looks harmless enough." Sean sighed in relief.

 _ **Man #1: Okay, who wants to clean and de-bone 'em.**_

 _ **Dave: I'll do it.**_

 **(Dave's friends look at him.)**

"Uh, what is this? Am I watching a scene from _Deliverance_?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dave: Just wait 'til you see what I've got.**_

 **(Dave grabs a box)**

 _ **Dave: It's the Wunder Boner!**_

"Okay, this is _Deliverance_!" Sean exclaimed with a stunned look on his face.

 _ **Man #1: (Laughs) The Wunder Boner?**_

 _ **Dave: Ah, you laugh now. Just watch. You just assemble the Wunder Boner stand steel rods like this, take the fish, and… (he proceeds to de-bone the fish with the Wunder Boner)**_

 _ **Man #2: The Wunder Boner!**_

"Okay! Please tell me when you first heard the name Wunder Boner, it didn't make you laugh. Well, it did when I saw them talk about the commercial on an episode of _World's Smartest Inventions._ Hell, when the Nostalgia Critic talked about this commercial on _Return of the Commercials_ and when he said the name "Wunder Boner" to a crowd of people, they all laughed. I would laugh too if I heard the name "Wunder Boner". I would laugh my ass off." Sean said.

 _ **Man #2: The Wunder Boner!**_

 _ **Man #1: My wife would like that.**_

"Yeah, I know your wife would totally like that." Sean winked naughtily.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I wonder how many times I can fit the word "Boner" into each sentence.**

"You know, I've been trying to get a boner for a really long time. Because of this commercial, I finally got a boner from watching it and I am stoked for using my boner on Taylor. I have the most magnificent boner ever. Boner." Sean said.

 _ **Man #2: So, uh, Dave, where did you get the Wunder Boner?**_

 _ **Dave: It's funny you should ask.**_

"No, no, No! No! No! No! No! Fuck, no! I do not need to know where you got your Wunder Boner from!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Announcer: Order your Wunder Boner now.**_

 **(TV static transition to: McDonald's McDLT commercial from 1985)**

 _ **Jason Alexander: Hey! You say you're getting tired of lettuce and tomato hamburgers in this town that don't quite make it?**_

 _ **Crowd: Yeah!**_

 _ **Jason Alexander: You say that just once you like your hamburger hot and your lettuce and tomato cool and crisp all at the same time?**_

 _ **Crowd: Yeah!**_

"Wow, I've never seen anything like that in my entire life…. Jason Alexander with a full head of hair!" Sean said in amazement. "I wonder what he's shelling out to the crowd."

 _ **Jason Alexander: Well I say, "You got it." I'm talking McDonald's new lettuce and tomato hamburger, the McDLT.**_

"Okay, now whatever you don't start singing about it…." Sean said.

 _ **Jason Alexander: (Sings) You got the quarter pound beef on the hot, hot side.**_

"Oh, goddamn it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I know a lot of you remember McDonald's lettuce and tomato hamburger the McDLT or you might've known it as the Big 'N Tasty. It's a hamburger that was sold in a unique packaging where you have the hamburger and the bottom bun prepared separately from the lettuce, tomato, pickles, cheese, sauce and the top bun and they're both packed into a two-sided container. Thus, you have the hot on one end and the hot stays hot and you have the other end on the cool, cool side….**

 _ **Cool: (Sings) And the cool stays cool.**_

 _ **Jason Alexander: The new McDLT.**_

"Jerry! Hey, Jerry! That's me! I told you that I was on a McDonald's commercial. Jerry? Jerry!" Sean yelled, imitating George Costanza from _Seinfeld_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I found out about this commercial when I was reading the Notes About Nothing trivia on one of my Seinfeld DVDs and I had to check out the commercial myself.**

"And by God, I was laughing my ass off when I saw the commercial. I mean, it's George Costanza singing about a McDonald's sandwich." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Could you imagine if the McDLT song was his answering machine message instead of him singing to the** _ **Greatest American Hero**_ **theme song?**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **season eight episode** _ **The Susie**_ **is shown)**

 **(Jerry calls George and he gets his machine, the answering machine message with the McDLT jingle performed by Jason Alexander)**

"McDonald's, you have to bring this sandwich back." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I don't care if you guys have the McRib out for a limited time or that smokehouse sandwich, you have to bring this back. Bring it back for a limited time or keep it for good. I want my McDLT and bring back Jason Alexander to do the commercial for the return of the McDLT. It would be awesome.**

 _ **Jason Alexander: (Sings) It's a good time.**_

 _ **Crowd: (Sings) Hot beefy McD.**_

 _ **Jason Alexander: (Sings) For a great taste.**_

 _ **Crowd: (Sings) Cool crisp LT.**_

 _ **Jason Alexander and Crowd: (Sings) At McDonald's!**_

 _ **Jason Alexander: Could be the best tasting lettuce and tomato hamburger ever!**_

 _ **Crowd: (Sings) New McDLT.**_

"And there you have it. That was my look at commercials. I hope that you all had a lot of fun and so did I. Thanks for joining me and I hope that your Wunder Boner have a fantastic evening and I hope that you give your gal a totally organic experience. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time when I take a look at one of the greatest Thanksgiving comedies ever." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Neal Page (Played by Steve Martin): Those aren't pillows!**_

 **(Del screams as him and Neal immediately jump out of bed)**

 **Next Time:**

 _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **You and your Johnson.**_

 **And that was it for** _ **Commercials I: The Phantom Menace**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Any nostalgic commercials that I missed or that I didn't mention in this chapter, feel free to let me know. Next time, Sean takes a look at one of the greatest Thanksgiving comedies from the late, great John Hughes. A little movie called** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **. I can't wait for you all to read it. Don't forget to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow this story for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	44. Episode Forty: PTA

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter for** _ **The Mayhem Critic.**_ **Well, Thanksgiving is coming up in like seven days, so I'd figure that I take a look at one of the greatest Thanksgiving comedies of all time, the John Hughes 1987 comedy** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **. So sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious review in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **is owned by Paramount Pictures and Hughes Entertainment.**

 **Episode Forty**

 **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**

We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room. He is seen wearing a green Thanksgiving sweater with the words "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" written on it. Sean starts sipping on his cup of hot apple cider while he prepares to talk about today's movie.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Well, Thanksgiving is coming and I invite you guys to partake in a little tradition that I like to do every year. And no, it does not involve standing outside and freezing your asses off in a line waiting for Best Buy to open up and beat down somebody for a PS4 Pro or a Macbook Air on Black Friday. Actually, we're going to be talking about one of the greatest Thanksgiving movies ever."

 **(A photo of** _ **A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nope, not that one.**

 **(The poster for the Jodie Foster-directed film** _ **Home for the Holidays**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, not that one.**

 **(The poster for the movie** _ **Son in Law**_ **and a photo of Pauly Shore is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, hell no!**

 **(The poster for the movie** _ **Dutch**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You're close.**

"Besides, _Dutch_ was written by the same guy who's the writer and director of today's film. That's right, I'm going to review another John Hughes film that's fun for the whole family." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 _ **Neal Page (Played by Steve Martin): You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks!**_

"Uh, did I say "Fun for the whole family."? No, I mean this is John Hughes for adults. This is _Planes, Trains and Automobiles_." Sean said.

 **(The title card is shown while ETA's** _ **I Can Take Anything**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 25** **th** **, 1987 and written, produced and directed by John Hughes, this hilarious comedy stars Steve Martin and the late, great John Candy. Every November and every Thanksgiving, I crack out the** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **DVD and I laugh a lot from watching this movie. It's another one of my favorite John Hughes movies ever. The story follows an ad executive who's trying to get home to his family for Thanksgiving and he comes across a clumsy shower curtain ring salesman and he ends up getting the worst luck in his life.**

"And when I say that this movie is John Hughes for adults, you'll see why this is John Hughes for adults. This is not a John Hughes teen comedy, this is a John Hughes adult comedy. We've stepped out of the teen years and now we're in the adult years. And then we're back to family-friendly John Hughes entertainment with _The Great Outdoors_ , _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, Curly Sue, Dutch_ and _Dennis the Menace_. Anyway, grab yourself a big plate of food, this is John Hughes' _Planes, Trains and Automobiles_." Sean said as he looked around the room. "Can somebody get me a turkey drumstick?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts as we see the title of the movie literally whizzing right past us. The film opens in New York City and the film let's us know that it's two days before Thanksgiving. We're introduced to our main character of the movie Neal Page, played by Steve Martin. Neal Page is an advertising executive and we see that he's on a business trip in New York City. We that he's stuck in a meeting with Ferris Bueller's father.**

"I'm not kidding. That's Lyman Ward from _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_." Sean said, pointing away from the camera as a photo of Lyman Ward as Ferris Bueller's father pops up. "Well, I guess I should be playing the John Hughes drinking game since we have an actor from another John Hughes movie."

Sean pulls out a bottle of Jameson Irish Black Barrel whiskey and opened the bottle as he poured some whiskey into his Wahlburger's shot glass before taking a shot.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Neal is trying to leave out of the meeting because he has to catch a flight home to Chicago, but we see that Dr. Seth Hazlitt (the late William Windom from** _ **Murder, She Wrote**_ **) is stuck trying to make a decision on which ad to use.**

 **(Bryant, the ad executive, prepares to make a decision but is stuck trying to make one, then starts looking at the ad design again)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Caddyshack**_ **plays)**

 _ **Judge Elihu Smails (Played by the late Ted Knight): Well, we're waiting.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After being stuck in an office for two hours waiting for that guy to make a decision for a cosmetics ad, Neal rushes out of the office so he can catch a cab to take him to the airport.**

 _ **Neal Page: I'll see you in Chicago, John.**_

 _ **John (Played by Lyman Ward): You'll never make the 6:00.**_

"Oh, come on. It's New York. It'll be easy for Neal to catch a cab at this hour." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Neal who's having trouble trying to catch a cab in New York)**

"You know, New York doesn't take a break from being New York. It's New York every day." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal spots a taxi cab that's available until he spots a voiceless cameo by Kevin Bacon.**

"Okay, time for me to take another shot." Sean said, taking another shot of whiskey. "Wait a minute, does that one count?"

 **(Neal races the businessman to the cab)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know what's funny? Kevin Bacon is in this movie yet he also starred in another John Hughes movie a year later after this film's release,** _ **She's Having a Baby**_ **.**

 **(The movie poster for** _ **She's Having a Baby**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The character he played on the movie was Jefferson "Jake" Briggs. You know what I think? I think that the character he plays in this movie is the same character he played in** _ **She's Having a Baby**_ **.**

 _ **Neal Page: Taxi!**_

 **(Neal trips over something and he sees the businessman taking his cab. The businessman waves at him before he enters the cab and leaves)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Tremors**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Val McKee (Played by Kevin Bacon): Fuck you!**_

"I know, I had to use that clip from _Tremors_." Sean said. "I freaking love that film!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Kevin Bacon steals his cab, Neal tries to look for another cab in the city during rush hour until he sees a greedy lawyer, played by Nick Wyman, about to catch a cab.**

 _ **Neal Page: I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature to ask you to let me have it?**_

 _ **New York Lawyer (Played by Nick Wyman): I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.**_

 _ **Neal Page: Could I offer you $10 for it? Twenty. I'll give you $20 for it.**_

 _ **New York Lawyer: I'll take $50**_

 _ **Neal Page: All right. All right.**_

 _ **New York Lawyer: Anyone who'd pay $50 for a cab would certainly pay $75.**_

"Typical lawyers. Why do they have to be so damn expensive? Maybe because that lawyer is a Hungarian terrorist working for Jeremy Irons. And he paid the price… for being a thief!" Sean yelled out after referencing the character Mathias Targo from _Die Hard with a Vengeance_.

 _ **New York Lawyer: Close. I'm an attorney.**_

"Okay, you know what. I'm sick of your shit, pal! Katya, shoot that thieving motherfucker!" Sean yelled out.

 **(We cut to a clip from** _ **Die Hard With a Vengeance**_ **, where we see Katya shoots Targo multiple times and kills him)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After he pays the greedy lawyer $75, Neal is about to catch his cab until somebody steals it right from under his nose and chases after it.**

 _ **Neal Page: (While chasing the cab) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my cab! That's my cab! Wait! Pull over! Pull over! All right, pull over! That's my cab! All right, buddy. You're messing with the wrong guy!**_

"Ugh! Taxis, am I right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal catches up to the guy who stole his cab, played by the late John Candy, and tries to kick him out but fails as the cab drives off. So, he takes a bus to LaGuardia Airport to make it on time to his flight, but some bad news arrive.**

 **(Neal sees that his flight to Chicago has been delayed)**

 _ **John: You'll never make the 6:00.**_

"Man, Ferris Bueller's dad is such a fucking jinx." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Neal sees that his flight has been delayed, we cut to Chicago, where we're introduced to Neal's family and we see that Neal and his family are living in the same house from** _ **Home Alone**_ **. And this being a John Hughes production, this home is in Chicago.**

"Time to take another shot." Sean said, taking another shot of whiskey.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Neal's wife Susan, played by Laila Robins from the ABC show** _ **Deception**_ **and Showtime's** _ **Homeland**_ **, and his 3 children. His daughter Marti, played by Olivia Burnett from the Disney Channel Original Movie** _ **Up, Up and Away**_ **or for those of you who grew up watching shows created by Michael Jacobs, she played Dorothy Jane Torkelson in** _ **The Torkelsons**_ **and** _ **Almost Home**_ **, and his son Little Neal played by someone who you will definitely recognize.**

 _ **Little Neal (Played by Matthew Lawrence): Why doesn't he give me noogies?**_

 _ **Susan Page (Played by Laila Robins): Because you like to give Indian burns.**_

 _ **Little Neal: But I prefer noogies.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Boy Meets World**_ **plays)**

 _ **Jack Hunter (Played by Matthew Lawrence): You know when I go to the gym. (Sighs) It's because of high school that, well they used to have this little nickname for me it was "Jumbo Jack".**_

"That's right. That's Matthew Lawrence from _Boy Meets World_ playing Steve Martin's son in the movie. Well, he should hurry up because he's late for his audition for _Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Superhuman Samurai Syber-Squad**_ **is shown. We see the intro to the show with Matthew Lawrence in the opening credits)**

"Wait, what? That's an actual show? How come I never heard of this show before and why did I make a reference to the show?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal calls Susan to tell about his flight delay that he won't make it home until 10:00 and she says that she'll wait for him. And while waiting for his flight, Neal begins to recognize the man sitting across from him.**

 **(Neal recognizes the man and the man recognizes Neal. We see Neal's thought process when he recognizes the man from the cab)**

Sean starts laughing a bit. "Okay, I just love how we see Neal's thought process when he recognizes Del from the cab. They had to bring a cab door and dress John Candy up again and recreate an outside scene in an indoor scene. That's pretty impressive and hilarious."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the man who stole Neal's cab, his name is Del Griffith, he's a shower curtain ring salesman. And when he gets screwed over on the plane by some bitchy stewardess about him being placed in first class because he's placed in coach.**

 _ **Stewardess (Played by Julie H. Morgan): Save your boarding pass, and you'll get a refund on the difference.**_

 _ **Neal Page: I don't want a refund. I want a seat in first class where I was booked and ticketed over a month ago.**_

 _ **Stewardess: Look, I have had just about enough of you. Now, take your seat.**_

"Oh, God. Please tell me she doesn't work for United Airlines. Hell, this is United Airlines! That's how they treat their passengers! Take your seat or will beat the shit out of you!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The United Airlines logo pops up)**

 **Sean: (V/O) United Airlines. Fuck you!**

 _ **Neal Page: You've had about enough of me? First you delay me, then you bump me. I can't wait to see what happens next.**_

"Could be worse, you could have 12 kids." Sean said, making a reference to the 2003 remake of _Cheaper by the Dozen_.

 **(We cut to the theatrical trailer for the remake of** _ **Cheaper by the Dozen**_ **, showing Steve Martin's character, Tom Baker, screaming)**

"Or you could play Inspector Clouseau in the _Pink Panther_ remake." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not two remakes directed by Shawn Levy, he's stuck in coach sitting next to this guy.**

 _ **Del Griffith (Played by the late John Candy): Is this coincidence or what? (Laughs) Have a seat.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, we see that there's a snowstorm hitting and all flights are cancelled. Which means, it's going to be a flight from Hell for Neal because he has Del to deal with.**

 _ **Del Griffith: The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth. (Chuckles) You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowder-head who doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut. You catch me running off at the mouth, just give me a poke in the chops.**_

"And this is why I don't fly on airplanes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of why I don't fly on airplanes….**

 **(Del takes off his shoe)**

 _ **Del Griffith: (Groans) Oh! Oh, that feels good. Oh, God, I'm telling you. My dogs are barking today. Whoo.**_

 **(Del takes off his sock and groans)**

 _ **Del Griffith: (Swings his sock around) That feels better.**_

Sean is seen wearing a gas mask over his face.

"Will you please put your sock back on? You foot odor is killing some of the passengers." Sean said.

 _ **Del Griffith: Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right, now you're gonna jinx him….**

 _ **Neal Page: I'm in Wichita.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, Neal has to call his wife Susan to tell her that he's in Wichita because his plane couldn't land in Chicago because they closed Chicago because of the snowstorm and they landed in Wichita. And now, he's stuck with Del, who's made some arrangements. But before I mention the arrangements, it's cameo time!**

 _ **Wichita Airport Representative (Played by Ben Stein): Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? I'm sorry to announce that we're cancelling flight 909 due to severe weather in Chicago. (Smiles)**_

"Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" Sean said, imitating Ben Stein before taking another shot of whiskey but decides not to take another shot. "No, no, no. I'm not gonna get drunk throughout this review. I'm not gonna drink myself to death like Nicolas Cage's character from _Leaving Las Vegas_. I have a lot to live for."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, while Neal was trying to book a room for a hotel but has no luck finding one and while he was calling home, Del made some arrangements.**

 _ **Del Griffith: As soon as we got off the plane, you called home, I called the Braidwood Inn.**_

 _ **Neal Page: I missed that one.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I've got an idea. I know the manager pretty well. I sold him some rings for his curtains. If you want to pick up the cab fare, I'll make sure you get a room for the night.**_

"That's nice of Del, he offered to help out Neal. There's no way that he'll hate this nice guy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Neal and Del leave the airport, they're driven to the motel in a taxi cab that's being driven by this guy named Doobie, played by Mr. Heckles himself Larry Hankin, or as Officer Balzak from** _ **Home Alone**_ **. As they arrive at the motel, they're greeted by a motel clerk that Del knows named Gus, played by the late Charles Tyner.**

 _ **Gus (Played by the late Charles Tyner): Del Griffith! How the hell are you? (He shakes Del's hand)**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.**_

 **(Gus and Del laugh)**

 _ **Del Griffith: Gus, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page. Neal, Gus Mooney.**_

 _ **Gus: Glad to meet you, Nick.**_

"Uh, Gus. His name is Neal, not Nick. Del clearly said Neal." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Gus gives them the key to the room but there's one major problem…**

 _ **Gus: Last room in the complex.**_

 _ **Neal Page: You mean share?**_

"Oh, dear." Sean said.

 **(As Neal and Del enter the motel room, Neal looks around the room and sees that it's only one bed. He then looks at Del, who smiles at him)**

"Ewww! I don't like how Del is smiling at Neal like that." Sean said.

 **(Neal looks at the bed once more)**

 _ **Del Griffith: Do you want to take a shower?**_

"Whoa! Hold on now, this isn't _Brokeback Thanksgiving_. There's no need for that." Sean said.

 _ **Neal Page: No!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: No, I meant if you want to go first, you know?**_

 **(Neal laughs)**

 _ **Del Griffith: (Laughs) You thought I… I wouldn't…**_

 _ **Neal Page: No, go ahead.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: What do you think I am? God, no. Gee, that's funny. That's funny.**_

"I'm keeping an eye on you movie." Sean said, glaring at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then see Neal and Del getting settled in the motel room in a hilarious montage where we get Neal taking a shower and the water cutting on and off and dealing with an unsanitary motel bathroom. During the night, Neal has trouble sleeping because Del's wacky antics while sharing a bed with him.**

 _ **Del Griffith: I had no idea those beer cans were going to blow like that.**_

 _ **Neal Page: You left them on a vibrating bed. What did you think was going to happen?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Chicago, we see that Susan is laying in bed without her husband and… wait a minute. What is she watching on the television?**

 _ **Woman on TV: Then she's sleeping in our house! I'll have to burn the sheets!**_

 _ **Man on TV: What if it was one of your friends, huh? What if the shoe was on the other foot?**_

 _ **Woman on TV: I'd go barefoot!**_

"I recognize that yelling from anywhere. That's from _She's Having a Baby_ , another John Hughes film, which was released in 1988. Don't believe me? Check out this clip." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **She's Having a Baby**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Kristy Briggs (Played by Elizabeth McGovern): Then she's sleeping in our house! I'll have to burn the sheets!**_

 _ **Jake Briggs (Played by Kevin Bacon): What if it was one of your friends, huh? What if the shoe was on the other foot?**_

 _ **Kristy Briggs: I'd go barefoot!**_

"Okay, is there some kind of connection here? We're watching a movie while one character is watching a movie that was released a year later on TV. I guess this movie and _She's Having a Baby_ is part of the Hughesiverse." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Wichita, Neal is in for a rude awakening when Del cracks his knuckles and cracks his neck and scratching, in a place where I do not want to know where and….**

 **(A clip from** _ **Dumb and Dumber**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Lloyd Christmas (Played by Jim Carrey): Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?**_

 **(Del snores to the tune of** _ **Shave and a Haircut**_ **, snoring his nose twice to serve as the two bits note, driving Neal insane as he gets out of bed)**

 _ **Neal Page: God damn it! That's it!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: What? What? If I don't clear my sinuses, I'll snore all night.**_

"I get the sinus thing, but the snoring. Really?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal goes off on Del in a little rant and loses his temper on him. And I like how this scene played out. Usually in films about opposite personalities, the big blow-up happens in the last act. Here, it happens in the first third and they get that part out of the way quick. And we get one of the best scenes ever in which Family Guy did a parody of.**

 _ **Neal Page: And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea, have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: You want to hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic-like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like… I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me 'cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.**_

 **(Dream Academy's** _ **Power to Believe**_ **, the instrumental version) starts playing in the background)**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Family Guy**_ **season seven episode** _ **Baby Not on Board**_ **plays)**

 _ **Chris Griffin (Voiced by Seth Green): (Laughs) Move references.**_

"God damn it, Chris! You ruined the moment!" Sean yelled out. "Where's the Evil Monkey when you need him?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal realizes what a total prick he's been to Del, he has a change of heart and decides to stay in the room with him. Later that night, someone breaks into Neal and Del's motel room and robs them while they're asleep. And the next morning, we see Del and Neal…**

 **(Sean sees Neal and Del snuggled against each other. Neal is holding Del's hand while Del kisses Neal's ear)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. OH, MY GOD!**

"No, no, no, no, no! No! This is _Brokeback Thanksgiving_ that I'm watching!" Sean yelled out.

 **(We cut to Neal looking at the bed, then turns to Del who smiles at him)**

 _ **Del Griffith: (V/O) God, you're a tight-ass.**_

"Ewwww!" Sean whined. "I hope there are no Neal and Del fanfics on Fanfiction."

 _ **Neal Page: Del?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Yeah?**_

 _ **Neal Page: Why did you kiss my ear?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Why are you holding my hand?**_

 _ **Neal Page: Where's your other hand?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Between two pillows.**_

 **(Neal realizes where Del has his hands on)**

 _ **Neal Page: Those aren't pillow!**_

 **(Del screams as him and Neal jump out of bed, shaking their hands in disgust)**

 _ **Del Griffith: No! No!**_

Sean starts laughing from what he meant by "those aren't pillows.". "Okay, for those of you who didn't get what he meant by that. It meant that he had his hand inbetween Neal's butt cheeks. When I watched this movie on HBO Comedy when I was young, I didn't get what he meant by that and back in 2011 when I bought the movie on DVD at Best Buy, I finally figured out what they meant by that."

"Kinda sounds like a Bulk and Skull moment." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After they realize that they were robbed while they were about to pay for their breakfast, Neal and Del decide to reach Chicago by train since Del has a friend who works for the railroad. And then we get the most bizarre character I have ever seen in my life.**

 **(We see the most bizarre-looking hillbilly standing in front of Neal and Del as he spits on the ground before introducing himself)**

 _ **Del Griffith: Are you Gus' son?**_

 _ **Owen (Played by Dylan Baker): I'm Owen.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is bizarre hillbilly's name is Owen, he's played by Bob Pitt himself, Dylan Baker.**

"Or for those of you who are _Spider-Man_ fans, he played Dr. Curt Connors in _Spider-Man 2_ and _Spider-Man 3_. Rest in peace, Stan Lee." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And when I mean by bizarre hillbilly, he has his wife to help carry Del's suitcase and he says this.**

 _ **Owen: Her first baby, it come out sideways. She didn't scream or nothing.**_

"Okay, it's official. Wichita has some of the most bizarre hillbillies. I'm not sure if it's true or not. I've never been to Wichita. I've been to Maryland and Washington D.C." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Owen drops Neal and Del off at the train station, the two part ways and Neal is on his way to Chicago to be intimate with his wife and have a taste of that delicious turkey. He's definitely going to make home without any…**

 **(The train breaks down)**

"Ah, shit." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, so much for getting home for Thanksgiving. The train breaks down and leaves the passengers stranded in a Missouri field, and Neal meets up with Del as his voyage home continues. So, they take a bus where Del and Neal watch a couple making out next to them and because of Neal's voyeuristic tendencies, he gets caught.**

 **Bus Lover (Played by Andrew J. Hentz): Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.**

"Okay." Sean said as he pulls out his Samsung Galaxy S7 phone from off of the coffee table. We then see a flashing light and hear the sound of somebody getting punched until we see Sean holding an ice pack to his eye. "Note to self, never take a picture of a couple making out next to you."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since this is a bus ride, it's time to sing a song.**

"Anyone know any good songs? Anyone?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **American Idol**_ **is shown. We see William Hung's audition with him singing** _ **She Bangs**_ **)**

"No, not that. Anyone else?" Sean asked.

 **(Limp Bizkit's** _ **Rollin**_ **music video is shown)**

"Next." Sean said.

 **(Troop's** _ **Spread My Wings**_ **music video plays)**

"Yeah, but it doesn't have a Thanksgiving feel. Plus, I don't know if anybody on that bus knows about Troop." Sean said. "Anybody else?"

 **(Justin Bieber's** _ **One Less Lonely Girl**_ **music video plays)**

"Motherfu…" Sean quickly pulls out his MP5K submachine gun and opens fire.

 **(We cut to a clip from an episode of** _ **CSI: Crime Scene Investigation**_ **, showing a scene where Justin Bieber's character getting gunned down to death)**

"There. That's for marrying Hailey Baldwin and breaking Selena's heart, you whiny Canadian bastard." Sean said. "Maybe Neal has a song to sing. Neal?"

 **(Neal starts singing Frank Sinatra's** _ **Three Coins in the Fountain**_ **as everyone on the bus looks at him, then looks away)**

"Anybody else?" Sean asked, rolling his eyes.

 _ **Neal Page: I can't believe they don't…**_

 **(Del starts singing the** _ **Flintstones**_ **theme song and everyone on the bus joins in as they arrive in St. Louis)**

 _ **Del Griffith: Wilma!**_

"I know another song. Here's one." Sean said as he pulls out his guitar and starts playing it before he starts singing. "Kikiwakka! Kikiwakka, Kikiwakka! Kikiwakka, Kikiwakka."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal and Del arrive in St. Louis and Del starts selling his shower curtain rings as earrings to buy bus tickets.**

 _ **Del Griffith: This is Czechoslovakian ivory./This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring./They are filled with helium, so they're very light./This is an autographed Darryl Strawberry earring.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute, hold it. Are you telling me that shower curtain rings can pass off as earrings worn by celebrities? And these people are being duped.**

"Yeah, I bought a few earrings for Taylor for Christmas. This one here is the golden lasso earring that Gal Gadot wore in _Justice League_. This one here is an autographed August Ames earring. And the other one here is the "Excelsior!" earring that was owned by Stan Lee." Sean said while holding a couple of shower curtain rings.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After selling some of his shower curtain rings to some people, Del buys Neal lunch and the two of them get to talking about being home away from their loved ones because of their jobs.**

 _ **Neal Page: I've been spending too much time away from home.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I haven't been home in years.**_

 _ **Neal Page: What seriously?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: No, it's a figure of speech. You know, I'm on the road so much, it's like not being there, you know.**_

"Dude, you sell rings for shower curtains. No wonder you're on the road so damn much." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While they're talking, Neal tells Del that he thinks that they should travel alone and he offends Del over lunch. Meanwhile, Neal decides to rent a car to drive to Chicago and as he arrives to pick up the car, he finds that the parking space where the car is at is empty. Man, this guy couldn't catch a break. And then we come to one of my favorite scenes of all time where Neal just loses his shit.**

 _ **Neal Page: (While chasing the bus) I need a ride back!**_

 **(Neal throws his bag down in rage and snaps in anger)**

 _ **Neal Page: God damn it! God damn it! God damn it!**_

 **(We then see Neal walking on foot as he slips and falls off a hill. Then we see Neal walking down in the middle of a runway and enters the airport terminal)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then come to another hilarious highlight of the film where Neal vents his anger to a car rental agent played by Edie McClurg from** _ **Ferris Bueller's Day Off**_ **.**

 _ **Car Rental Agent (Played by Edie McClurg): (While on the phone) Gee, Murray, you're a stitch. (Laughs) No, Mom's gonna do the turkey. Yeah, Dad wants ambrosia, so I guess we got to get those miniature marshmallows. And I'll do the crescent rolls, and you do the cranberries. You know I can't cook.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Ferris Bueller's Day Off**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Grace (Played by Edie McClurg): They think he's a righteous dude.**_

 _ **Car Rental Agent: Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?**_

"And when I say that this is John Hughes for Adults, you'll see why about right now. And keep track on how many times the F-bomb is dropped in this scene." Sean said.

 _ **Neal Page: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! And you can get me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick. Four fucking wheels and a seat!**_

 _ **Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.**_

 _ **Neal Page: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere, with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway, and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car, right fucking now.**_

 _ **Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?**_

 _ **Neal Page: I threw it away.**_

 _ **Car Rental Agent: Oh, boy.**_

 _ **Neal Page: Oh, boy, what?**_

 _ **Car Rental Agent: You're fucked.**_

"Unless you were keeping count, the F word was used 18 times, well, 19 if you count that one from Edie McClurg. And you want to know what's funny? The F word wasn't used throughout the whole movie. This was back in 1987 and this movie would have no problem getting a PG rating, but hey was it worth it to give this movie an R rating. Hey, they could still get away with giving this movie a PG rating if the F word was used once. Yeah, the ratings system back in the '70s, '80s and '90s were weird back then. I mean, they can show an eye being taken out in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and they give it a PG rating and this moment gets an R rating. You know, PG films back in the '80s that said the F word only one time. Films like _Nothing in Common, Spaceballs, Beetlejuice, Sixteen Candles_ and _Little Nikita_ say the F word once and that could've resulted in a PG-13 rating. Well, I guess you could say that they didn't give 19 "fucks" about it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that hilarious scene, an angry Neal attempts to catch a cab to Chicago, but the cab dispatcher played by the late John Randolph Jones, asks him if he knows that he's in St. Louis and asks him to try the airlines and Neal ends up insulting the guy.**

 _ **Neal Page: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.**_

 **(The cab dispatcher looks insulted)**

 _ **Neal Page: Now are you going to help me or are you going to stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?**_

 **(The cab dispatcher punches Neal in the face)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And luckily, Del arrives just in time to rescue Neal with his own rental car.**

 _ **Neal Page: Del?**_

 _ **Cab Dispatcher (Played by the late John Randolph Jones): Get your car out of here!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Yeah, just… Just a minute, okay?**_

 _ **Cab Dispatcher: Get it out of here!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: What is your problem? You insensitive asshole. Can't you see we've got an injured man down on the street? Now I'll move my car, but I want you to help him up.**_

 _ **Neal Page: No!**_

 _ **Cab Dispatcher: My pleasure.**_

 **(While Del moves his car, the cab dispatcher fixes his glove and walks over to Neal, then proceeds to grab him by his crotch)**

"Ooh! Okay, there's no way that he's getting intimate with his wife after that. Boy, that guy cannot catch a break." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal and Del are out on the road again, this time in a rental car as their voyage to Chicago continues and since this is a car ride and with the two of them in the same car, there's no way that they'll start arguing with each other. But wrong, they start arguing when Del starts fidgeting around with the seat and tries to take his shoes off.**

 _ **Del Griffith: Oh, damn it.**_

 _ **Neal Page: What now?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I can't reach my feet to get my shoes off.**_

 _ **Neal Page: That's fine. Leave your shoes on.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I can't relax that way.**_

 _ **Neal Page: I don't care to breathe your foot odor.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: It must be swell being so perfect and odor-free.**_

"Well, people like to enjoy the sweet smell of Gain air fresheners in their car." Sean said.

 _ **Neal Page: What do I do that bothers you? I'm just curious.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Well, there's lots of things.**_

 _ **Neal Page: Name one. Why don't you name one?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Well, there's quite a few things. You want me to name one?**_

 _ **Neal Page: Yeah, fine.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: You play with your balls a lot.**_

 _ **Neal Page: I do not play with my balls.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: (Chuckles) Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour.**_

 _ **Neal Page: Are you trying to start a fight?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: No, I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.**_

 _ **Neal Page: You know what'd make me happy?**_

"You shutting up?" Sean asked, imitating Neal Page.

 _ **Del Griffith: Another couple balls, and an extra set of fingers? (Laughs)**_

"Well, you have Abigail Mac and Karlee Grey to take care of that for you." Sean winked naughtily at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's Del's turn to drive while Neal is asleep. And you should never let this guy behind the wheel because he'll start singing Ray Charles'** _ **Mess Around**_ **and dancing behind the wheel while driving uncontrollably.**

 **(As Ray Charles'** _ **Mess Around**_ **starts playing on the radio. Del starts listening to the song and starts dancing to it behind the wheel)**

"Man, I would have a ball being in the same car as him. But I want to stay awake to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." Sean said.

"I like music, but not that much." Brian said.

"Well, there's no way that he can do something stupid." Sean said.

 **(We see Del trying take off his coat while driving. His coat ends up stuck on the seat)**

"Or not." Sean said.

 **(While trying to free his coat from the car seat, Del starts driving uncontrollably with his thighs)**

"He's gonna end up killing the both of them." Sean said.

 **(Del sees a stop sign and screams as he eventually frees himself from the car seat after the hitting the breaks, causing the car to spin uncontrollably until it stops spinning. After the car stops spinning, Neal wakes up to see what's going on)**

 _ **Neal Page: (Waking up) What's happening?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Oh. We almost hit a deer, that's all.**_

"Dude, you were lucky. You just got a kiss. That was the angel of death and he's probably saying this to ya." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (V/O as the Phantasm) Now you've had your fun, don't do that shit again.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Del eventually drives the wrong way on the highway, where two trucks are approaching and this couple on the opposite side of the road tries to warn them, but Del thinks that they want to race and thinks that they're drunk.**

 _ **Screaming Driver (Played by John Moio): You're going the wrong way!**_

 _ **Neal Page: What?**_

 _ **Screaming Driver and Screaming Driver's Wife (Played by Victoria Vanderkloot): You're going the wrong way!**_

 _ **Neal Page: He says we're going the wrong way.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?**_

"Dude, they're not drunk. They're warning you that you're about to get somebody killed because you're going the wrong way." Sean said.

 _ **Screaming Driver: You're going in the wrong direction!**_

 **(Del imitates drinking while driving drunk)**

"Stop fucking around and listen to them. You're going the wrong way." Sean warned.

 **(Neal looks out the window and realizes that they're going the wrong way as he tries to warn Del right after he sees two trucks approaching)**

"Truck, truck coming." Sean pointed out.

 _ **Neal Page: Truck, truck.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: What?**_

 _ **Neal Page: Truck!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: What?**_

 **(Del sees the two trucks approaching)**

"Truck!" Sean screamed out.

 **(Del screams and we get a zoom-in shot of Neal and Del's eyes as the trucks close in on them)**

We then cut to a zoom-in shot of Sean's eyes as he starts screaming.

 **(The car scrapes inbetween the two semi-trailer trucks as Del continues to scream. We get more of Neal's thought process, with him seeing himself and Del as skeletons and he then see's Del as the devil. Del hits the breaks to stop the car, sending his suitcase flying off of the car)**

"Okay, shut it down now! We've finally found the world's most dumbest driver ever." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after getting themselves killed, Del and Neal take a moment to compose themselves on the side of the road, and the interior of the rental car catches fire from Del's cigarette and the two decide to share a good laugh when Neal gloats over Del's predicament.**

 _ **Neal Page: (Laughs) How could you rent the thing anyway, without a credit card? I mean, you couldn't. I mean, how did you do it?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Oh, I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings. (Laughs)**_

 _ **Neal Page: You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings, Del.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Well, uh, somehow your Diners Club card wound up in my wallet. And I…**_

 _ **Neal Page: You stole it!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Not exactly.**_

 _ **Neal Page; You stole my card!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: No, I swear on my life, I didn't!**_

 _ **Neal Page: I knew you stole it!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I did not steal your card.**_

 _ **Neal Page: You stole my card and then you rented a car and then you burned it up!**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I did not!**_

 **(Neal starts beating on Del's suitcase)**

"Okay, this has got to be one of my favorite Steve Martin freak-outs ever in any movie I see him in. This one and his rant about hot dogs in _Father of the Bride_." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal demands Del to return his card but Del couldn't because this happened.**

 _ **Del Griffith: Because when we stopped to gas up, I put the card back in your wallet.**_

 **(Neal turned to the car and realizes that he left his wallet in the glove compartment)**

 _ **Del Griffith: Are you mad at me?**_

"Go ahead, Neal. I give you permission to punch the guy." Sean said.

 **(Neal punches Del in the gut, then trips over his suitcase)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two stop at a hotel run by the lawyer from** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **(Note: The lawyer, Donald Gennaro, is played by Martin Ferrero), but has no luck getting a room because his credit cards are destroyed in the car fire.**

 _ **Neal Page: Have mercy. I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I can vouch for that.**_

 _ **Second Motel Clerk (Played by Martin Ferrero): I don't… I don't… I don't own the place.**_

 **(Neal takes off his watch)**

 _ **Neal Page: $17 and a hell of a nice watch.**_

"Can't beat a nice deal. What about you, Del? Got anything?" Sean asked.

 _ **Del Griffith: I have two dollars and a… (Takes off his watch) And a Casio.**_

 _ **Second Motel Clerk: I'm gonna have to say good night, so….**_

"Oh, come on. You got to give him something better. Ooh, I got one. How about a T-Rex?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **plays, showing a scene where Donald Gennaro gets killed by a T-Rex while he was sitting on the toilet)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Neal has a room to sleep and tries to call his wife, while Del, who has no money, attempts to sleep in the car, which lost it's roof in the fire, and he thinks about what went wrong in his life.**

 _ **Del Griffith: Well, Marie, once again, my dear, you were right as rain. I am, without a doubt, the biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike. I meet someone whose company I really enjoy. What do I do? I go overboard. I smother the poor soul. I cause him more trouble than he has a right to. God, I've got a big mouth. (Sighs) When am I ever going to wake up?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal sees Del trying to sleep in the car and feels some sympathy for the poor guy and he invites him inside from the cold and snowy night, and the two relax and they start drinking some of Del's collection of airline liquors and laugh about the events from the past two days.**

 _ **Del Griffith: You know, when I'm dead and buried, all I'm going to have around here to prove that I was here was some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down. Great legacy, huh?**_

"Hmm? Something tells me there's more to this guy." Sean said.

 _ **Neal Page: At the very least, at the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right? You love her, don't you?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Love is not a big enough word It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.**_

"Okay. Either his wife is dead or he can't get a hold of her." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Neal and Del resume their trip to Chicago, but they get pulled over by a state trooper, played by Michael McKean, and he questions them about their badly damaged car.**

 _ **State Trooper (Played by Michael McKean): Do you have any idea how fast you were going?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Funnily enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer's melted, and as a result, it's very hard to say with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.**_

 _ **State Trooper: Seventy-eight miles an hour.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: (Whistles) Seventy-eight, huh? Well, yeah, I can buy that. Sure, I guess. You know, you would know better than us, especially since we've got a melted speedometer.**_

 _ **State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: Yes, I do. Yes, I really do. I… I believe that. I know it's not pretty to look at, but it will get you where you want to go.**_

 _ **State Trooper: Now, you got no outside mirror.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: No, we lost that.**_

 _ **State Trooper: You have no functioning gauges?**_

 _ **Del Griffith: No, not a one. However, the radio still works, funny as that may seem. With all this mess, the radio is the only thing that's really working good. And it's just clear as a bell. Don't ask me how. (Chuckles)**_

"Safe for driving? Buddy, have you taken a look at the thing? It's a death machine! You're lucky you didn't kill anybody on the road. And I just like to point out one thing, this sounds like something off of TruTV's _World's Dumbest Drivers_. I can imagine a dumb driver doing something like this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, their vehicle gets impounded by the police and luckily Del has found an alternative mode of transportation, a semi-truck which gets them to Chicago, just in time for Neal to taste that turkey and the two of them part ways at the LaSalle/Van Buren CTA station. During the train ride, Neal thinks about going home to his adorable children, tasting his wife's cherry pie, his wife basting the turkey and getting intimate with Susan. Wait, that's part of tasting her cherry pie. Neal also reflects some moments from his trip with Del such as not getting intimate with Del. Some of the good times and some of the bad times and some comments about his wife that Del made throughout the trip.**

 _ **Del Griffith: I like… I like me. My wife likes me.**_

 _ **Neal Page: At the very least, at the at the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?/I've been spending too much time away from home.**_

 _ **Del Griffith: I haven't been home in years.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Neal realizes that Del might be alone for the holiday and returns to the station and sees Del sitting alone in the station and questions him why has he not gone home and we get this revelation about Del.**

 _ **Del Griffith: I… I don't have a home. Marie's been dead for eight years.**_

"So, it turns out that Del's wife, the woman that he's been talking about throughout the trip, is dead. And he doesn't have a home. This is a surprise twist and you've got to feel sorry for this guy after learning about him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Neal, showing some compassion for Del, invites him to his home for Thanksgiving and he introduces his friend to his family. And Neal and his wife Susan reunite and the film ends on a heartwarming note.**

"And that was _Planes, Trains and Automobiles_ and I love that movie." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's one of the finest comedies to watch on Thanksgiving. The movie is absolutely hilarious and I laughed hard to tears from certain scenes. And like** _ **Home Alone**_ **, it has some of the greatest and memorable lines ever. And the performances are amazing. Steve Martin was pretty good but the highlight of the movie was John Candy aside from his performance as Uncle Buck, his performance as Del Griffith in this one, this was his best role ever and one of my favorites. Aside from the humor of the film, it has heart and the film did it very well. It's a movie that I watch every Thanksgiving or every time. Check out this hilarious comedy when you get the chance. That's why I'm giving** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **5 shower curtain rings out of 5.**

"Well, that's all the time I had my friends. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and have a happy Thanksgiving." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline- Those aren't pillows!**

 **And that was The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Planes, Trains and Automobiles**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed it. What did you think of the review and what did you think of the movie? I would love to hear your thoughts about it. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean starts Christmas off when he takes a look at a little Christmas special from 1992 called** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **and wonders why does it exist? Don't forget to review this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Aside from Frosty Returns, I will also be reviewing** _ **Santa Claus: The Movie, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York**_ **and** _ **Scrooged**_ **. Any other Christmas movies or specials do you want me to review? Feel free to comment. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	45. Episode Forty-One: Frosty Returns

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, folks. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Well, since November is coming to a close, I'd figure I might start off the Christmas season early by reviewing some Christmas movies and Christmas specials. In today's chapter, Sean kicks off the Christmas season early by reviewing the 1992 Christmas special** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **and ponders why was this even made. So here it is, the new and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **is owned by Bill Melendez Productions, CBS Productions and Broadway Video.**

 **Episode Forty-Five**

 **Frosty Returns**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before pausing a bit, then picks up a remote as he presses a button. "CHRISTMAS!"

Sean jumps off of the couch and lip-syncs Johnny Mathis' rendition of _It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year_ before sitting back down on the couch while the song continues to play.

"I love Christmas! There are only five things I love about the time of the year: Christmas specials, Christmas songs, Christmas movies, Christmas gifts and hurry the hell up Christmas so I can open up my gifts! And since November is coming to an end, I figure I might start reviewing something Christmas-related early and throughout the month of December. With that said, let's talk about _Frosty the Snowman_." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **Frosty the Snowman**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This classic TV special aired in 1969 and it was originally produced for CBS and they continue to show it every year in December. It's one of the greatest Christmas classics along with** _ **Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer**_ **,** _ **How the Grinch Stole Christmas**_ **and** _ **Santa Claus is Coming to Town**_ **. We all know the tale of the snowman that came to life after a group of school children placed a magic hat on him. Sure, the animation looked silly but the special has an undeniable charm to it. It was created by Rankin-Bass. Yes, the same Rankin-Bass that brought us every single Christmas special we watched when we were growing up.**

"Hell, Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass also brought us two awesome cartoons from the '80s. _Thundercats_ and _Silverhawks_." Sean said as a picture of the Thundercats and Silverhawks pop up.

 **(Footage from the 1976 sequel** _ **Frosty's Winter Wonderland**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In 1976, a sequel to** _ **Frosty the Snowman**_ **called** _ **Frosty's Winter Wonderland**_ **, aired on ABC. In this one, Frosty gets a snow wife named Crystal and Jack Frost tries to ruin their happiness. And to me, I like this one better than** _ **Frosty the Snowman**_ **.**

"And unfortunately, we're not watching _Frosty the Snowman_ or _Frosty's Winter Wonderland_. Oh, no! We're watching it's less-charming sequel _Frosty Returns_. This is the special that almost makes these two classics feel embarrassed.

 **(The title of the special is shown followed by clips from the special while the** _ **Frosty the Snowman**_ **theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, maybe sequel is not the right word for this one. Back in the late '80s, Rankin-Bass shut down their production studios and the rights to much of it's library went to Warner Bros. Television. The rights to** _ **Frosty the Snowman**_ **ended up in the hands of Broadway Video, the studio of** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **creator Lorne Michaels. I can see why since he's the executive producer for this special. And in 1992, some joker up at CBS commissioned Broadway Video to produce another** _ **Frosty the Snowman**_ **Christmas special. This one has nothing in common to the original and it has a different animation style. And I like to ask why? Why was this even made?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Tom & Jerry: The Movie**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Lickboot (Voiced by the late Tony Jay): We've got to have money.**_

"To quote the Nostalgia Critic when he reviewed the movie _Jack Frost_ : "Get on your snow boots, we're walking through a pile of shit!". Let's get started. This is _Frosty Returns_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The special starts out with a snow flurry and we're introduced to our narrator for the evening, voiced by the late Jonathan Winters.**

 _ **Narrator (Voiced by the late Jonathan Winters): Some folks say 'You really want to see the country, take a bus. Or hop a train. Ride a bike. Me, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. Stick to what I know: snowflakes. I know it's not for everyone, but a long as you pack light, I mean, and wear at least three layers of undies, it's a lovely way to spend the winter.**_

"Traveling by snowflakes? Really? That's what we're going for? That's the best way to travel. Forget United Airlines, this is the best way to travel. Hmm, I wonder if it's possible to do so." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch and walks over to the front door and opening it up as he sees that it's snowing outside. "I see a snowflake. I'm gonna travel to Cleveland from here."

"Uh, Sean. I don't think that it's a good idea." Dave warned.

"Oh please, Dave. I have tons of great ideas. And this is the perfect idea." Sean said as he tries to jump on a snowflake. "Here I go. Geronimooooooooh shit!"

Sean jumps but he hits the ground as he yells in pain. Dave runs out of the house with the camera and helps him out, with the aftermath giving Sean a bloody nose.

"Why would you let me do such a thing like that?! Owwww!" Sean groaned in pain.

"I warned you." Dave said.

"Shut up, Dave!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our opening credits and we see that we have an interesting choice of voice actors for the special. We got Jonathan Winters from** _ **Tiny Toon Adventures**_ **and** _ **Mork & Mindy**_ **as the Narrator, then we have the late Jan Hooks, Andrea Martin and Brian Doyle-Murray. And from** _ **Roseanne**_ **and** _ **The Conners**_ **, John Goodman as Frosty the Snowman. The special is based on a story by Jim Lewis, who work you might've recognized for anything Jim Henson-related and it was written by Oliver Goldstick.**

"Oliver Goldstick. Why does that name sound so familiar?" Sean asked.

 **(A picture of Hanna, Spencer, Alison, Aria and Emily from** _ **Pretty Little Liars**_ **is shown and the song Secret by** _ **The Pierces**_ **start playing)**

"Ah, Pretty Little Liars. A show that started well, but had a confusing ending." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that** _ **Rugrats**_ **composer Mark Mothersbaugh composed the music for this one and the special is directed by the late Bill Melendez and Evert Brown.**

"Just a quick recap: we have Hampton J. Pig's father, three comedians from shows that were created by Lorne Michaels, Dan Conner from _Roseanne_ , a writer who worked on shows with the Muppets, one of the producers and writers of _Pretty Little Liars_ , a composer who worked on Rugrats and two directors who worked on _Charlie Brown_ cartoons. Add a talking mouse into the mix and it's like this Christmas special was tailor made." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits, we open in the town of Beansboro, where the town is gearing up for their annual winter carnival and we see that the town is covered in a layer of snow. Seven-inches. And you know what this means.**

 _ **Kid #1: (Runs out of the house) No school!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And immediately, the special throws in the first song for the evening.**

 _ **Kids: (Singing) We love the snow!**_

 _ **Adults: (Singing) Oh, no! Not snow!**_

 _ **Kids: (Singing) We love the snow!**_

"I'm sorry did I miss a step here?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, we barely just started the special and already there's singing but at least give us a chance to get settled in before you start singing and the song doesn't even last long. The kids are singing about how much they love the snow and their parents are singing about how much they hate the snow.**

"Question: if the parents passionately hate the snow, then why the fuck are they living in Beansboro? It's like saying that I hate living in Arizona because it's too damn hot or me living in California because of Earthquakes, gang violence and frickin' wildfires. Or it's like me saying that I hate living in Cincinnati because of the crazy weather we have around here. They're living in a town where they get copious amount of snow. There are places in the United States that get like no snow. Have you ever thought about that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After our first musical number, we're introduced to our hero of the special, a little redhead girl named Holly, she's voiced by Elisabeth Moss. Yes, the same Elisabeth Moss who played President Josiah Bartlett's daughter Zoey in** _ **The West Wing**_ **. The same Elisabeth Moss who played Peggy Olson in** _ **Mad Men**_ **and the same Elisabeth Moss who stars in Hulu's** _ **The Handmaiden's Tale**_ **. We see that her friend, Marcie from** _ **Charlie Brown**_ **.**

"I'm sorry. I thought I was watching a Charlie Brown cartoon because of the same animation style and I got this kid confused with Marcie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, this boy version of Marcie's name is Charles. He's voiced by Michael Patrick Carter. You know, the little twerp from that movie the Nostalgia Critic reviewed called** _ **Milk Money**_ **.**

 _ **Charles (Voiced by Michael Patrick Carter): Holly, why aren't you playing outside?**_

 _ **Holly (Voiced by Elisabeth Moss): Wasn't invited.**_

"What?" Sean asked.

 _ **Holly: Wasn't invited.**_

"Who doesn't get invited to play outside? What are you afraid that you might get shot at? They have a thing that they invented called the bulletproof backpack. Or what does God have a problem with people going outside?" Sean asked.

 _ **Charles: Neither was I, but it's excellent packing. Let's go outside and make a fertility goddess.**_

We cut to Sean doing a spit take after sipping his can of Mountain Dew Merry Mash-Up.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oookay. We can add that to the list of things that flew over my head when I was a kid. Anyway, Holly wants to practice magic for the Winter Carnival but Charles is not too keen about it.**

 _ **Holly: (On sawing Charles in half) You won't feel a thing. That's why it's called magic.**_

 _ **Charles: There's no such thing as magic. Everything has an explanation. The proper term is science.**_

"Oy. Great. Now, I have to add a _Big Bang Theory_ reference to the show." Sean said, rolling his eyes in disgust.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **plays)**

 _ **Sheldon Cooper (Played by Jim Parsons): If I may interject a piece of friendly advice, is working on magic tricks really how you wanna spend your time?**_

"What?" It was either that or make a reference to _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Oh, fuck it. Play the clip anyway." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Vernon Dursley (Played by the late Richard Griffiths) There's no such thing as magic!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) While they're practicing for her magic trick, Holly opens the window, the wind blows her hat off and flies out the window as Holly runs out of the house to chase her hat until she bumps into her school teacher, Ms. Carbunkle, she's voiced by Andrea Martin.**

 _ **Ms. Carbunkle (Voiced by Andrea Martin): Is this how you spend your day off, young lady? Organizing a game of Tackle the Teacher?**_

"Hey, that sounds like a fun game to play. Let me call up some of my friends and we'll tackle a teacher that I don't like. I'm kidding, I like my teacher." Sean chuckled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, as much as I complain about this special, Ms. Carbunkle is the best part of watching it. She delivers some pretty good lines.**

 _ **Ms. Carbunkle: (While shoveling the snow) Right now, Ms. Carbunkle has a sidewalk to plow. Before you know it, this darn snow turns into slush, and when there's slush, there's ice, and when there's ice, there's broken hips, and when there's broken hips, there's substitute teachers!**_

"It's funny because it's true!" Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Holly continues to look for her hat, she finds the snowman himself, Frosty the Snowman. This time, he's voiced by John Goodman and I have to say as much as I like the late Jackie Vernon as Frosty, I enjoyed John Goodman as the voice of Frosty the Snowman.**

 _ **Frosty (Voiced by John Goodman): Oh, no you don't. You wanna take something, take the tie. Unless you think I need it. How do you all dress for this Winter Carnival anyway? I mean, I don't wanna underdress but if I can get away with a tank top or something more cash.**_

"Cause really? When you think of Frosty the Snowman, you think of Walter Sobchak." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Lebowski**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Walter Sobchak (Played by John Goodman): (While smashing a car with a crow bar) This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry! This is what happens, Larry! You see what happens, Larry?! You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? This is what happens! You see what happens, Larry?! You see what happens, Larry?! Do you see what happens Larry when you fuck a stranger in the ass!**_

"Wait, for my younger readers. Let me use the edited line." Sean said.

 _ **Walter Sobchak: You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frosty and Holly get to know each other and right after Frosty dances for a few seconds, they are interrupted by Holly's mother Lil, voiced by the late Jan Hooks. Lil gives Holly a spray can known as Summer Wheeze, a spray that causes snow to instantly disappear and who's the inventor of Summer Wheeze? It's invented by a man named Mr. Twitchell, voiced by Brian Doyle-Murray, and Mr. Twitchell is the cartoony villain of the special.**

 _ **Mr. Twitchell (Voiced by Brian Doyle-Murray) By Saturday, there should be a can of Summer Wheeze on every shelf. I'll go to that carnival a guest, but I'm going to leave it a king!**_

 _ **Board Member: A king, sir?**_

 _ **Mr. Twitchell: You heard me. I'm about to give this town the greatest gift ever. Winter with no shoveling, no slush, no frostbite. Clean streets and dry sidewalks. By this weekend, snow tires will be ancient history. And in return, they'll make me their king.**_

"Today, we'll rid the streets of Beansboro from snow. Tomorrow, the world!" Sean imitates Mr. Twitchell and laughs evily.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Mr. Twitchell sends his army of trucks to rid the streets of snow with Summer Wheeze, and Frosty is not too thrilled about it.**

 _ **Holly: Don't get upset, Frosty.**_

 _ **Frosty: Upset? Upset is waking up and finding out somebody forgot to give you a belly button. Upset is finding out somebody stole your nose to play foosball. This ain't upset, kid. This is panic! I'm two squirts from being history!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Big Lebowski**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, with Summer Wheeze getting rid of the snow, Holly comes up with a plan, and she does the** _ **E.T.**_ **approach by hiding Frosty in her refrigerator. Wait, what?**

 _ **Frosty: (After Holly opens the refrigerator door) You got to be kidding me.**_

 _ **Holly: Shh. Hurry.**_

"Hey, if Indiana Jones can hide in a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear explosion, then you can hide in a refrigerator to avoid melting. So shut up and get your frosty ass inside." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Holly hides Frosty in her refrigerator at her house, we cut to her school where some of her classmates are all swept up in the Summer Wheeze craze but Charles gives his speech about snow.**

 _ **Charles: Snow plays an important role in our environment. It is a major source of fresh water through the Earth and without it life on this planet would soon disappear. Isn't that right, Ms. Carbunkle? Ms. Carbunkle?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **fifth season episode** _ **Homer Goes to College**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Neeeeeerd!**_

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the kids of Beansboro decide that they don't want more snow anymore. Well, wait a minute. Minutes ago, you little bastards were singing about how much you love the snow and then all of a sudden you guys hate it now. Jesus, what is this Ohio? So anyway, Holly leaves school and she finds Frosty at Gooseberry Park.**

 _ **Frosty: I think I finally found a place where the snow is here to stay. An ice castle!**_

"Who's staying in that ice castle, Elsa from _Frozen_?" Sean asked. "Come on, who made this thing or is it just a prop. What's the deal with that ice castle?"

 _ **Holly: Whenever I try to talk, my mouth gets all dry and my hands get all clammy. I let you down, didn't I?**_

 _ **Frosty: You know, kid. Maybe it's time you've tried a different approach.**_

"Hey, we can talk about it. Or we can just sing about it." Sean said with a smile on his face, then he realized what he just done. "Oh, no. Wait. Don't start sing….!"

 _ **Frosty: (Sings) Sometimes when the words just fail you you're scared but you know they're wrong.**_

"You snowy son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look, the reason why Frosty the Snowman was so memorable was because of the song. In this one, this fucking song gets stuck in my head and it gets annoying as hell. And why do they have to keep throwing in a song? I'm getting really sick of these musical numbers. They're badly written, badly sung and incredibly forced.**

"Can you imagine me throwing in some random song in the middle of the review for no apparent reason because I felt like it? It would be annoying as hell. Ladies and gentlemen, performing the his hit song _Danger Zone_ , here's Kenny Loggins." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Kenny Loggins'** _ **Danger Zone**_ **music video)**

Sean immediately pushes the music video out of the way to get on with the review. "There. You see what I mean?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Mr. Twitchell sings and my god, Brian Doyle-Murray can't sing for shit! But enough about that song, Holly introduces Frosty to her friend Charles and he's not really surprised about a snowman coming to life.**

 _ **Frosty: (While dancing) Come on. Don't make me dance alone.**_

 **(Mr. Twitchell's limo drives by and he spots Frosty dancing with Holly and Charles)**

 _ **Mr. Twitchell: Hold it. Stop the car! Stop the car! And stop the music.**_

Sean looks down at his coffee table and notices that his phone is playing music. "Oops. Sorry."

Sean picks up his phone to turn off the music, then looks at the camera and smiles.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After they get spotted by Mr. Twitchell, the crazy old man sends his cat named Bones and the cat starts spraying Summer Wheeze, resulting in….**

 **(Frosty, Holly and Charles see a hole in Frosty after he gets hit with some Summer Wheeze)**

 _ **Holly: Frosty, what happened?**_

 _ **Charles: Looks like the work of Summer Wheeze.**_

"No shit, Sheldon." Sean said.

 _ **Holly: Oh no, there's hardly any snow left on the ground.**_

"Uh, yeah there is. Look down." Sean said.

 _ **Holly: How are we going to help Frosty?**_

"Look down on the ground." Sean said.

 _ **Frosty: You better think fast, guys. Or I'm going back to the North Pole in a bowl.**_

Sean has a shocked look on his face as he gets up from off of his couch and starts leaving the living room for a moment. And then, in a fit of rage, Sean runs back in the living room and starts yelling at the camera. "WHAT?!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) You can't be fucking serious?! Are you fucking blind?! You could just look below your fucking feet and use the snow on the ground to help patch Frosty up. Are you high?! The park is covered with tons of snow while you were singing. And you're in a castle literally made of fucking ice. Ice and snow are pretty much the exact same fucking thing. Jesus! You're making this act like the fucking Holocaust!**

 _ **Narrator: Sometimes, it pays to have a man of science on your side. Most of us panic in a time of crisis. Me, I reach for a cup of cocoa. Helps me focus. (He drinks the hot cocoa)**_

"Yeah, I would like to have a cup of hot cocoa and throw it in Lorne Michaels' face for producing this pile of snow shit!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Charles arrives at the ice castle with snow that he was saving for an experiment in the freezer and they use it on Frosty to help him out. And now, the day of the Winter Carnival arrives and so does more snow, but Mr. Twitchell makes an entrance with Summer Wheeze and his trucks to melt all the snow away.**

 _ **Mr. Twitchell: Greetings, neighbors. Who says you need snow to have a carnival, eh?**_

"Nobody says that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Holly confronts Twitchell and this special went all** _ **Captain Planet and the Planeteers**_ **on our asses.**

 _ **Holly: Summer Wheeze is not the kind of magic we look forward to every winter, Mr. Twitchell.**_

 _ **Mr. Twitchell: (To his cat Bones) Call security.**_

 _ **Holly: Your product is dangerous. What's convenient for today isn't always safe for tomorrow. We need snow just as much as we need rain or sunshine or clean air.**_

"Really? Do I need a lesson on saving the environment? I'm supposed to be watching _Frosty the Snowman_ , not _Captain Planet_. In fact, this feels like a bad episode of _Captain Planet_. Not an episode dealing with pollution, gang violence, killing whales or Aids. Oh, no. This one is about saving winter and needing snow on the ground and saving it from big business tycoons who hate the snow." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Twitchell refuses to listen to Holly, so she unleashes Plan B, revealing Frosty to the citizens of Beansboro.**

 _ **Frosty: Now, can somebody give me a B-flat.**_

"Oh, no! Don't you dare start singing!" Sean yelled out.

 **(The trumpet player starts playing a B-flat and it starts snowing)**

 _ **Frosty: (Singing) Let there be snow. Let there be snow. This kind of weather brings people together….**_

Sean starts screaming in annoyance while he has his face covered by the couch pillow while hitting on it.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I just love how the fact that the people are just not going to question about a walking and talking snowman that's singing and dancing. While he's leading the people in another song, Twitchell and his cat tries to turn Frosty into a puddle of slush but fails unsuccessfully and this convinces people that Summer Wheeze is bad for the environment.**

 _ **Lil (Voiced by the late Jan Hooks): Well, I don't think we even need to vote this year, neighbors. There could only be one king in this crowd.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they declare Frosty the king of the carnival. Mr. Twitchell suddenly becomes a good guy and at the end it's time for Frosty to depart.**

 _ **Holly: Don't leave, Frosty.**_

 _ **Frosty: Don't worry, kid. I'll be back. Give me some time to find a new bowtie. This time no polka dots. Maybe something in a nice blue, not too busy. Or green. I like green. Brings out my eyes.**_

 **(Frosty then disappears in a gust of wind. We then cut to the words "Executive Producer Lorne Michaels" written on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh shove it, Lorne Michaels!**

"And that was _Frosty Returns_ and wasn't that special just magical?" Sean asked in a sarcastic tone.

 **(Footage from** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The animation is choppy, the story is sloppy, songs are forced in, the message is phoned in and there are some things in this special that are not explained. It's a slap in the face to the original beloved classic. And I have one question to ask, what does this have to do with Christmas? This has nothing to do with Christmas and they air this every year on CBS along with the original. That's why** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **gets 2 magic hats out of 5.**

"If you want to check it out and if you're very, very curious to do so, then may God have mercy on your poor souls. Until then, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Let's go outside and make a fertility goddess.**_

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **. What did you think of my review and what did you think of the Christmas special when you watched it? Do you like the original and** _ **Frosty's Winter Wonderland**_ **over this? Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, I will be reviewing either the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas comedy** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **or the 1985 cult classic** _ **Santa Claus: The Movie**_ **starring the Big Lebowski himself David Huddleston as Santa Claus. Which one do you want to see me review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if there's anything Christmas related that you want me to review like a movie or an episode from a television show or a Christmas special, feel free to leave a message. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	46. Episode Forty-Two: JATW

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. When we last left off on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewed the God-awful Christmas special** _ **Frosty Returns**_ **. Today, Sean's quest for Christmas continues when he takes a look at the 1996 Schwarzenegger Christmas family comedy** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **. A movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. How bad could it be? Wait, why am asking you that? Just read and find out.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **is owned by 20** **th** **Century Fox and 1492 Pictures.**

 **Episode Forty-Two**

 **Jingle All the Way**

We find our fellow critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room sipping on a cup of hot cocoa with whip cream and marshmallows as he prepares to talk about today's feature film.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about the horrors of Christmas shopping, finding the perfect gift for your loved one."

 **(We cut to footage of shoppers pushing and shoving each other and fighting while Christmas shopping)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We have to put up with fights, stampedes, riots and utter chaos. This is why I order my gifts from Amazon. I don't want to pick a fight with some Russian guy at Wal-Mart over a PS4 Pro. It's an American tradition that brings out the worst in people. Hey, we have Cyber Monday. It's way better than Black Friday. And let's not forget that the gift that you're trying to get for your kid is sold out and you have to venture through store to store just to find the damn gift.**

"What's the best film to satirize the horrors of Christmas shopping and the commercialization of Christmas. I know the perfect film, 1996 comedy _Jingle All the Way_." Sean said.

 **(The title for the movie is shown as well as clips from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 22, 1996. The film was inspired by real-life Christmas toy sellouts like the Cabbage Patch Doll craze and the Power Rangers toy craze. The film stars our favorite hulking Austrian catchphrase spewing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger and comedian Sinbad.**

"Really? Arnold Schwarzenneger and Sinbad in a Christmas movie together. Who's the joker that came up with the idea?" Sean asked as a picture of the film's producer, Chris Columbus, pops up next to him as the young critic turns to his left. "Oh, the guy that brought us _Gremlins, The Goonies, Young Sherlock Holmes_ and _Adventures in Babysitting_."

 **(A picture of the film's screenwriter Randy Kornfield and producer Chris Columbus is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film's screenwriter, Randy Kornfield, wrote the film's screenplay after he witnessed his in-laws go to a Santa Monica toy store at dawn trying to get his son one of the Power Rangers toys. Producer Chris Columbus had a similar experience back in 1995 when he tried to get a Buzz Lightyear action figure from the film** _ **Toy Story**_ **, so he re-wrote Kornfield's original script and 20** **th** **Century Fox accepted the script.**

"And not only I'll be taking a look at the movie, but we will be talking about the extended cut of the movie that I have on my Family Fun Edition DVD." Sean said as he holds up his DVD copy of _Jingle All the Way_. "Remember when they show the movie on television and they show us additional scenes that were not shown in theaters? Well, the extended director's cut of the movie gives us that. So, let's not waste any time. This is _Jingle All the Way_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film open with this children's show called Turbo Man….**

 **(The character Turbo Man from the video game** _ **Mega Man 7**_ **pops up and the Stage Start music plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No. Wrong Turbo Man. I'm talking about the popular television superhero that kids watch and it kinda reminds me** _ **of Power Rangers**_ **and you have Two-Face's portrayer (Richard Moll) from** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **playing Turbo Man's arch-nemesis Dementor.**

 _ **Dementor (Played by Richard Moll): Ta-ta, Turbo Man.**_

 **(Dementor fires his fist at Turbo Man's face, hitting him)**

"Uh, question: what kid in his right mind would watch a show like that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, none other than that little pipsqueak himself. This is seven-year-old Jamie Langston, played by Jake Lloyd.**

"Jake Lloyd. Why does that name sound so familiar?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): Are you an angel?**_

"Oh, no." Sean said.

 **(Another clip from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.**_

"Oh, no!" Sean said with a shocked look on his face.

 **(A third clip from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Now this is pod racing!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): Noooooooooooooooo!**_

"God, why does it have to be that kid?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, my friends. That's Anakin Skywalker himself, Jake Lloyd. So, yeah. Jamie is a fan of the superhero Turbo Man. We see that his has to get ready for his karate class but his father's not home yet and that he won't make it to see him get his belt.**

 _ **Jamie Langston (Played by Jake Lloyd): He misses everything.**_

 _ **Liz Langston (Played by Rita Wilson): Well, he's not gonna miss this. He's probably just working really hard.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a Christmas party at his father's place of business and we're introduced to the main character of the film Howard Langston, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and we see that he's a mattress salesman and that he tends to work a lot. So, his wife Liz played by Rita Wilson calls him up to remind him about Jamie's karate class.**

 _ **Liz Langston: Howard, where are you?**_

 _ **Howard Langston (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): I know. Jamie's karate class. Don't worry. I'll meet you there. I promise. And don't forget, you're my number one customer. (He realized what he just said to his wife) Liz! Look, I didn't mean that….**_

 **(Liz groans and hangs up on Howard)**

 **Howard Langston: Liz?**

"Nice going, genius." Sean said as Brian cracks up.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard leaves work and rushes to his son's karate class but he ends up getting caught in traffic and then he tries to avoid traffic but fails unsuccessfully when he gets pulled over by some jackass police officer named Officer Hummell, played by Robert Conrad.**

 _ **Howard Langston: Look, sir, I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm really late for my son's karate class.**_

 _ **Officer Hummell (Played by Robert Conrad): Oh, I do apologize if I caused you some sort of delay. How thoughtless of me. Because the last thing that I want on my conscience right now is for a private citizen to somehow be disappointed in the performance of my duty.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Look, I was not criticizing you, Officer. It's just that…**_

 _ **Officer Hummell: Step out of the vehicle.**_

"Geez. You're taking your job way too seriously. Don't you think, Baretta?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Peter Gunn here has Howard doing some tests that a drunk person can do.**

 _ **Officer Hummell: Recite the alphabet.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: "A," "B," "C"…**_

 _ **Officer Hummell: Backwards.**_

"Are you kidding me? I can recite the alphabet backwards and I'm not even drunk." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to hurry to Jamie's karate class but he ends up missing it.**

 _ **Howard Langston: I didn't make it.**_

"Oh, gee. Thanks for letting us know, Captain Obvious. Me and the audience would've figured that out if you didn't say something." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after he misses Jamie's karate class, Howard heads home only to find his next door neighbor Ted, played by the late great Phil Hartman, is on his roof taking care of some of Howard's fatherly duties like putting up the lights on his roof.**

 **** _ **Ted Maltin (Played by the late Phil Hartman): I had some extra lights in the garage and since you didn't put up any yourself, I thought, what the heck? Why not spread a little Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Aw, gee, Ted. How thoughtful?**_

"Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz. My gimmick for this movie is to be that annoying jackass who has the neighborhood women falling for me. Did I mention that I'm a lawyer? Here's my card." Sean said, imitating Ted as he pulls out a cannabis card. "Oh wait, that's my cannabis card for my weed. Let me give you my lawyer card."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to apologize to Jamie but Jamie is too upset with him for breaking too many promises.**

 _ **Howard Langston: Listen. It was not my fault. Jamie, don't walk away from your father.**_

 **(Jamie slams the door in Howard's face)**

"Open the door, Jamie. Or I will destroy you." Sean said, imitating Howard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get Schwarzenegger trying to be funny in a kid's movie.**

 _ **Howard Langston: (Picks up his son's karate belt) Oh, is this it? Wow! This is really cool. How do you do this? (He tries to wrap the belt around his waist) Like this? No. I know. Like this.**_

 **(Howard wraps the belt around his head and tries to impress Jamie)**

 **Howard Langston: What do you think, Jamie? How about this? (Howard then proceeds to strike a weird pose and lets out a bad martial arts cry, then pretends to attack Jamie)**

"Remember when he was the Terminator? He was awesome. Dude, you were the Terminator! What happened to you?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Kindergarten Cop**_ **plays where we see Det. John Kimble, who's undercover as a kindergarten teacher, getting along with his students)**

"Oh, yeah. Right after Ki _ndergarten Cop_." Sean said. "Damn you, Ivan Reitman."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to make it up to Jamie when his son asks him for something that his heart desires for Christmas. A very special gift. Please don't let it be a pod racer.**

 _ **Howard Langston: Tell me. What do you want?**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and the rock-and-roar jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases including, "It's turbo time!" Accessories sold separately. Batteries not include.**_

"Ah, yes. The Turbo Man action figure. I have one when I was a kid. Until my jackass cousin broke my Turbo Man's leg. I don't care if my cousin was in the Air Force in Guam but I'm gonna kick his ass for breaking my Turbo Man action figure. And I'm trying to find one on Amazon and it's fucking $600 for a collectible! Man, my cousin Samuel was a jealous asshole!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Jamie Langston: Johnny's gonna get one, and so is everybody else I know. Whoever doesn't is a gonna be a real loser.**_

"If Johnny and everybody else you know ask you to jump off of the Carew Tower, would you do it?" Sean asked. "Kid, couldn't you ask for something else for Christmas? Like ruin a Star Wars movie?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Jamie forgives his father and the two of them start bonding. Ah, materialism. Isn't it what Christmas is all about? It brings everybody together. But there seems to be one major problem…**

 _ **Liz Langston: Which reminds me. You got the doll, right?**_

 **(As Liz ducks her head, the camera zooms towards Howard, accompanied by dramatic music by the film's composer David Newman)**

 _ **Howard Langston: (Shocked) The doll?**_

"He doesn't have the doll. Wow. So much for your son being a real loser." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I just love it when Rita Wilson ducks her head right when the camera zooms towards Arnold and he makes this over-the-top expression on his face that looks too comical.**

"Hey, Sean. Did you get Taylor something for Christmas?" Brian asked.

The camera zooms towards Sean as he makes an over-the-top expression on his face right when the camera zooms in on his face until the camera hits him in the face.

"Ow! God damn it, Dave!" Sean yelled, rubbing his forehead.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the one thing that Arnold could do is to tell the truth. Right?**

 _ **Howard Langston: No, no. I-I- I got it. I- I got the Turbo Man doll, the one that has those things that shoot out in front with that rock 'em sock 'em jet pack and with that realistic voice box that says, "It's turbo time.", I got it.**_

"Or he can just lie about. What kind of a father are you?" Sean asked.

 _ **Howard Langston: I got it right away.**_

 _ **Liz Langston: Good. Because at this point they'd probably be impossible to find.**_

 **(Liz turns off the light in the bedroom, Howard then turns his head to make a comical expression on his face)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Howard) Oh, shit. I'm so screwed.**

"You're dead meat, man." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, it's Christmas Eve and Howard has to go out and get the Turbo Man doll for Jamie but Jamie has to remind his Dad that the Christmas parade is today and that they go every year.**

 _ **Jamie Langston: Dad, you can't miss it. It's gonna be really cool.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: I won't miss it. I'll be there. I promise.**_

"Dude, don't make promises you can't keep." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Howard heads out of the house, he bumps into his neighbor Ted, who happens to have a. What the hell? Is that a reindeer.**

 _ **Ted Maltin: A little Christmas surprise for Johnny.**_

"So, you give your son a reindeer for Christmas. Who does that? It's like giving me a lynx as a pet. Come to think about it." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean walks into his kitchen to grab himself something to drink from out of the refrigerator. As he does so, he hears the sound of an angry lynx screaming at him)**

 **Sean: Holy shit. Taylor!**

 **(The lynx roars at Sean)  
**

 **Sean: Taylor!**

 **(The lynx chases Sean. Sean starts screaming and grabs Riley as he hides in his office, locking the door behind him, then picks up his phone to call Animal Control while the lynx is clawing at his door)**

 **Sean: Hello, Animal Control. Yeah, I have a wild lynx in my home and….**

 **(Taylor screams as she sees the lynx)**

 **Sean: HELP ME!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, the reindeer is adorable, there's no way that it could harm anybody…**

 _ **Howard Langston: Hey, buddy. How are you?**_

 **(Howard tries to pet the reindeer. The reindeer roars at him and tries to bite him)**

 _ **Howard Langston: Hey!**_

 _ **Ted Maltin: Whoa! That's odd. Reindeer are usually such gentle animals. There must be something about you he doesn't like… aftershave or something.**_

"Maybe the reindeer saw Batman & Robin. That's why it doesn't like him." Sean said.

 _ **Ted Maltin: I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago. It's nestled safely under our tree.**_

"Thank you for that useful information, Ted. I'm going to remember that later on in the movie when I try to do something stupid. Well, I've got to go. Hasta la vista, baby." Sean said, imitating Howard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard sets out to find a Turbo Man store and while waiting in line, he comes across a mailman who's looking for the same toy. His name is Myron Larabee and he's played by Sinbad and as much as I like Sinbad in this movie, his character tends to get really annoying.**

 _ **Myron Larabee (Played by Sinbad): My son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named Turtle Man.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: That's Turbo Man.**_

"For you younger readers out there that don't know who Sinbad is, well congratulations, this is my Christmas gift to you all. Alright, I'm kidding. He's not that bad. I've seen some of his stand-up comedy and he's pretty funny." Sean said.

 _ **Myron Larabee: You know it's all a ploy, don't you?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: A ploy?**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: Man, where have you been? Don't you watch TV? We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Oh, come on.**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: You got these big fat cats sit there using working class just like me and you. They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out!**_

"Boy, he should join the same group as Oliver Stone and Jesse Ventura. The Conspiracy Theorists Club." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And as the store opens up, every body run in like a pack of fucking wolves and they try to kill each other! They try to look for the Turbo Man doll, but it turns out that the store is all sold out. So, Howard asks one of the store clerks, played by Chris Parnell.**

"Oh, great. Another actor from Saturday Night Live in this movie. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Laraine Newman, another actor from _Saturday Night Live_ , is in this movie. She plays the First Lady in the Turbo Man show." Sean said. "So yeah. Three actors from _Saturday Night Live_."

 _ **Howard Langston: I'm trying to find a Turbo Man doll.**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: Me too. Me too.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Do you have any more in the back?**_

 **(The toy store sales clerk starts laughing hysterically)**

 _ **Myron Larabee: What?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: What's he laughing about? What did I say?**_

 _ **Toy Store Sales Clerk (Played by Chris Parnell): (Laughing) These guys are looking for a Turbo Man.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: A Turbo Man doll, yes.**_

 **(His co-worker starts laughing hysterically)**

 _ **Toy Store Co-Worker (Played by Patrick Richwood): (Laughs, then turns to a female shopper): They're looking for a Turbo Man.**_

 **(The female customer starts laughing hysterically as well)**

 _ **Toy Store Customer (Played by Kate McGregor-Stewart): Hey, everybody. These two are looking for a Turbo Man.**_

 **(All of the customers in the store start laughing as well)**

 _ **Myron Larabee: Shut up, man.**_

"What the hell is up with everybody in this store? Are they all high? What's so goddamn funny?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

 _ **Toy Store Sales Clerk: Where have you guys been? Turbo Man's only the hottest selling Christmas toy ever. Duh!**_

"What's up with them, did they overdose on laughing gas? Okay, enough fucking around. Arnold, time to do some killing." Sean said.

 **(A fed up Howard lifts the store clerks by their collars)**

 _ **Howard Langston: (Menacing) Where's your Christmas spirit?**_

"Yes! Now we're talking. This is the Schwarzenegger I know. Go ahead, Arnold. Kill them, very violently." Sean said with a smirk on his face.

 **(The two clerks smile at Howard)**

 _ **Howard Langston: (Smiles) That's better.**_

 **(Howard puts the clerks down instead)**

"Oh, you are such a pussy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The clerks tell Howard that the last Turbo Man just left and some lady in a fur coat had it on layaway. So, Howard tries to go after it, but Myron tries to stop him but Howard stops him by making him trip over an R/C car, then Howard goes after the woman in the fur coat, who happens to be played by Yeardley Smith.**

"Oh, you think I'm joking? That's Lisa Simpson's portrayer playing the woman in the fur coat in the extended director's cut of the film." Sean said.

 _ **Howard Langston: I followed you all the way over to the store.**_

 _ **Woman in the Fur Coat (Played by Yeardley Smith): Oh, really?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Yes, really. There's something I wanted to ask you.**_

 _ **Woman in the Fur Coat: Would you like my phone number?**_

"D'oh!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Homer Simpson.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, he doesn't get her number. Instead, he pays Lisa Simpson to give him the Turbo Man doll and she gives him her number just in case. Boy, I never thought that Lisa Simpson could be flirty. Howard finally gets the doll, but it's not Turbo Man. It's friggin' Booster!**

 _ **Howard Langston: Booster? I don't want Booster.**_

"Lisa Simpson just tricked me. That's it, no more season for her." Sean said, imitating Howard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard spots another woman, who's dressed in a fur coat, driving away with a Turbo Man doll as he runs after it until the woman spots him and drives away. And then we get a montage of Howard going from toy store to toy store to find the Turbo Man doll, but has no luck. So, he takes it out on a cardboard cut-out of Turbo Man.**

 **(Howard punches the cardboard cut-out of Turbo Man, flinging it back until it hits him in the head, then he starts violently ripping it apart while customers look at him)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Howard) This is all your fault! I'm going to murder you!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at the Langston residence, Ted drops by to put the moves on Howard's wife while she's making Christmas cookies.**

 _ **Ted Maltin: It's Christmas Eve, and you're slaving over a hot stove. Is this the mom of the year or what?**_

 _ **Liz Langston: It's no big deal.**_

 _ **Ted Maltin: And modest too./Looks like you could use a little you time. Why don't you go upstairs, take a shower? I'll keep an eye on the boys, finish up with the cookies.**_

"Maybe I can go upstairs to join you in the shower after I finish with the cookies. Maybe I can make you forget about that hulking husband of yours." Sean said, imitating Ted. "Did I mention that I'm Troy McClure? You might remember me in the action film _The Night the Reindeer Died_."

"Dude, I love Christmas cookies but not enough to hit on the neighbor's wife." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But when Howard tries to call his wife, he gets Slimy McJackass instead and he does the worst thing known to man….**

 _ **Ted Maltin: (While eating some cookies) Howard, excuse me, but your wife's cookies are out of this world.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: What… Who told you you could eat my cookies?**_

"You stay away from my cookies, Ted." Sean said, imitating Howard.

 _ **Howard Langston: Ted, I need to speak to my wife, so could you get her on the phone, please?**_

 _ **Ted Maltin: I think she's in the shower. Do you want me to go check?  
**_

 _ **Howard Langston: No!**_

"You stay away from my wife." Sean said, imitating Howard once more.

 **(Ted takes another bite of the cookie)**

 _ **Ted Maltin: Mmm! Oh, these cookies! I got to get the recipe from Liz.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Put that cookie down! Now!**_

Sean just stares at the camera and gives a low sigh.

 **(The "Put That Cookie Down!" remix starts playing)**

"Okay, okay. Stop. If that goddamn remix starts playing one more time. I'll never be able to finish this review." Sean said.

 **(The "Put That Cookie Down!" remix starts playing once more)**

"Shut up!" Sean exclaimed while pointing at the camera.

"Ugh, remixes." Brian said.

"You said it." Sean said, agreeing with Brian.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Howard gets off the phone with Ted, he ends up bumping into a familiar face.**

 _ **Myron Larabee: Hey, sorry about whacking you at the toy store. You know, I got caught up in the friendly spirit of competition.**_

"Friendly spirit of competition, my ass! You tried to kill him by whacking him with your mailbag." Sean said.

 _ **Myron Larabee: You and I, we're the same kind of person.**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Except he's famous, Austrian, muscular and white and you're not.**

 _ **Myron Larabee: I was thinking, maybe though, we could join up as a team. You know, like Starsky and Hutch, like Jonny Quest and Hadji, man, like Bonnie and Clyde, like Ike and Tina….**_

"Like Ike and Tina Turn… Dude, have you not seen _What's Love Got to Do With It_? Remember that limo scene? They were beating the ever-loving spoonful shit out of each other!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard turns down Myron's offer to work as a team and that pisses the mailman off. And then, news breaks out about a late delivery of Turbo Man dolls at Toy Works, so they race each other but Howard has a teeny little problem.**

 **(Howard accidentally backs into a cop's motorcycle. He tries to pick it up and he sees the police officer who gave him a ticket standing in front of him)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Howard) Oh, no.**

 _ **Officer Hummell: You broke my little mirror. License and registration, please.**_

"Hey, take it easy Lennie Briscoe. What is it with this guy? Overzealous pig." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting another ticket from that rent-a-cop, Howard heads down to Mall of America and arrives at Toy Works, where he has another encounter with… Oh, God. Not this clown again. He has another encounter with Sinbad. Anyway, the library administrator from Ghostbusters (John Rothman) explains that they received a small quantity of the Turbo Man dolls and the employees hand out colored balls that are numbered and the balls will be drawn in a standard lottery fashion to see who gets a doll.**

 _ **Mall Toy Store Manager (Played by John Rothman): If you're not one of the lucky few, we have plenty of Turbo Man's faithful pet tiger Booster in stock.**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: We don't want it! We don't want it!**_

"Man, fuck Booster! Just give me the damn Turbo Man doll. I need to replace my old one that my idiot cousin broke." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Things start to get out of control when everyone in the toy store start fighting over a ball. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! People are fighting each other over a Turbo Man doll? My mother never had any trouble getting me an Xbox One X for me for Christmas last year. She never got into any fights. Or killed anyone over a Christmas gift. I'm sensing there's gonna be tons of body bags at Mall of America. And to top it all off, they're playing my favorite rendition of** _ **It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year**_ **by Johnny Mathis during this scene while these customers are acting like a pack of wolves over a ball.**

 **(The customers, Howard and Myron fight over a ball)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard gets the ball but gets maced in the face by Myron and he steals the ball away from Howard.**

 _ **Myron Larabee: (Laughing) I got it! I got it! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo,**_

 _ **Howard Langston: He got two! He got two!**_

 _ **Man: Get the mailman!**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: What? No!**_

"Hey, the black guy dies first in the movie. So, you're dead meat, pal." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard goes after the ball, that bounces like Flubber and it falls into the hands of a…. a little toddler boy? I think. And Howard traverses through the mall's playground to get it back.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Howard) Out of my way little girl or I will eat you!**

 **(Howard slides into the ball pit and comes across the toddler.**

 _ **Howard Langston: Hi, little girl.**_

"That's a little girl? Uh, it almost looked like a boy. Maybe it's because of that Justin Bieber-ish type hair. Come on, at least give her a dress, not dress her up in overalls." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard tries to get the ball from the little girl by prying it out of her mouth but then the toddler's mother and a bunch of angry mothers start beating up Howard with their purses and calling him a "pervert".**

 _ **Angry Mother: Pervert!**_

 _ **Howard Langston: I'm not a pervert. I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll.**_

"Hmm, isn't that what it said on my shirt?" Sean asked as he looked down at his shirt that says the exact same line that Howard said in the film. "Oh, what a coincidence."

 **Sean: (Narrating) With no luck finding a Turbo man doll, Howard has a savior. And that savior is in the form of a Belushi.**

A photo John Belushi with a halo and angel wings appears next to Sean.

"Wrong Belushi. I'm talking about the other Belushi brother who was also on Saturday Night Live and before this movie, him and Schwarzenegger both starred in the 1988 buddy cop action comedy _Red Heat_. An awesome movie directed by Walter Hill. Go check it out, I recommend it." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 _ **Mall Santa (Played by James Belushi): You want a Turbo Man for Christmas.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Forget it. I'm not going to sit on your lap.**_

 _ **Mall Santa: Hey, chief, that's not my bag. Get it? (Chuckles)**_

"What the? Seriously, movie? A gay joke in a kid's film. You know? For kids." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Belushi Claus shows him a photo of the Turbo Man doll and he takes Howard to a warehouse where a counterfeit toy ring run by con men dressed as Santa Claus and I shouldn't trust some guy dressed as Santa Claus. And then we get this little moment that's in the extended director's cut of the film.**

 _ **Mall Santa: Have you ever heard that song "The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot"?**_

"No, I've never heard of that song but please don't start singing." Sean said.

 _ **Mall Santa: (Sings) He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot. And goodness knows he didn't want a lot.**_

"I should learn when to keep my mouth shut." Sean said.

 **(The mall Santa keeps singing the song while we cut to Sean trying to say something)**

 _ **Mall Santa: (Sings) I'm so sorry for that laddie. He hasn't got a daddy. The little boy that Santa Claus forgot.**_

We then cut to Sean, who is busy watching a video on his phone. "Yeah, that's right Cherie DeVille, go to town on Adriana Sephora. Man, I love this vi…"

Sean looks at the camera and quickly turns the video off.

"Are they finished singing? Good. Back to the story." Sean said as he sits his phone down on the coffee table.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard gets the Turbo Man doll, but there's something fishy about the toy.**

 **(Howard presses the button on the Turbo Man doll. It talks but instead it's speaking in Spanish)**

 _ **Mall Santa: Oh, well, that's the multilingual version. It's fun and educational.**_

 **(Howard takes the doll out of the box as it starts falling apart)**

"That's a broken Turbo Man, you bastard. Now, I'm going to kill you!" Sean yelled out, imitating Arnold.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after he got duped by that con artist, Howard tries to return the doll and get his money back and he has a few choice words for these guys.**

 _ **Howard Langston: You know what you guys are? Nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.**_

 _ **Mall Santa: What did you call us?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: You heard me right: con men, thieves, degenerates, lowlifes, thugs, criminals!**_

"Charlatans, savages, scallywags, bounders, wankers, assholes!" Sean said.

 _ **Mall Santa: In the North Pole, them are fighting words, partner. Put 'em up.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Relax, buddy. I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus.**_

"Couldn't you just shoot him?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Red Heat**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Capt. Ivan Danko (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): (Points his gun at Ridzik) I have my orders!**_

 _ **Det. Art Ridzik (Played by James Belushi): What are you fucking nuts?**_

 _ **Mall Santa: (Taunts) Come on. Come on. What are you, chicken? Chick, chick, chick. Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. He's taking lessons from Tommy Wiseau.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Room**_ **plays)**

 _ **Tommy (Played by Tommy Wiseau): You're just a chicken. Cheep-cheep-cheep!**_

"Alright. You're not gonna stand there and let him taunt you like that, are you?" Sean asked.

 **(Howard grabs the mall Santa by his fake beard, pulling it and hitting him with it, flinging him into a pole)**

 _ **Mall Santa: Get him.**_

"Okay, we need some appropriate fighting music for a scene so ridiculous, so silly, so stupid and so funny. Ladies and gentlemen, performing the song _Jingle Bells_ , here's The Brian Setzer Orchestra!" Sean announced.

 **(The Brian Setzer Orchestra's rendition of Jingle Bells start playing as Howard starts fighting a Ninja Santa and a few other Santas. Then, a hulking man dressed as Santa appears)**

 _ **Huge Santa (Played by Paul "The Giant" Wight): I'm gonna deck your halls, bub.**_

"Whoa, wait. Is that Big Show? It is That's Paul Wight a.k.a. Big Show from WWE getting ready to fight Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is the most fucking awesome death battle ever!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Howard fights Big Show dressed as Santa and knocks him out until he gets tazed in the ass by Mickey from Seinfeld and gets surrounded by Santas until the cops arrive. Howard narrowly escapes by posing as an undercover cop. During his quest to look for a Turbo Man doll for his son, Howard runs out of gas and stops in Mickey's Diner to call home to let Jamie in on the bad news.**

 _ **Jamie Langston: Are you on your way? The parade's gonna start soon.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Jamie, get your mother, please.**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: Well, are you?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Am I what?**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: Coming home soon.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Yes, immediately! Now please get your mother!**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: 'Cause, Dad, before you left you promised that you were gonna be at the parade. You haven't been here all day, so you can't miss it.**_

"Kid, you better get your mother. You don't want to piss off me or Arnold. We will destroy you." Sean said.

 _ **Jamie Langston: 'Cause, Dad, when someone makes a promise, they definitely should keep it. You know, it's like what Turbo Man says: (Deep Voice) "Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends."**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Enough! Enough of this Turbo Man, okay? I had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anyone I don't want to have advice from right now, it's Turbo Man! Now get your mother!**_

"Get your mother now or I will use this double-bladed lightsaber on you." Sean said, pulling out Darth Maul's lightsaber.

 _ **Jamie Langston: What would you know about keeping your promises? You never keep your promises! You never do anything you say you're gonna do! Ever!**_

 **(Jamie slams the phone on the receiver and walks away in sadness.**

"I'm acting." Sean imitates Jamie and slams his phone down on the couch.

 _ **Liz Langston: (Flatly) Damn you, Howard.**_

"What's with the way she said that line? Like that wasn't over-dramatic enough." Sean said.

 _ **Liz Langston: Damn you, Howard.**_

"Damn you! Damn you!" Sean said in an overly dramatic tone, his phone starts ringing to the tone of Jingle Bell Rock and he answers it. "Hello? Hey, Rob. You went to McDonalds? Did you get me the McRib? They didn't have anymore and you got me a double cheeseburger instead? Damn you!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after he gets into an argument with his son, a depressed Howard sits down and has himself a cup of coffee until the movie decides to make us suffer when Myron shows up. The two start talking and Myron tells Howard his own resentment towards his own father when he was a child about wanting a special Christmas gift from him.**

 _ **Myron Larabee: See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy… a Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun. You remember those, don't you?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: No.**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday.**_

"Oh, please. Whatever you do, don't reenact it for us. We don't need a blast from the past from you old timers." Sean said.

 _ **Myron Larabee: "Johnny to Peter. Johnny to Peter. Enemy sighted." "Roger there! Open fire!" And then Johnny would whip out his Johnny Seven O.M.A. one-man-army gun. Seven guns in one- count 'em!**_

"Fuck!" Sean growled.

 _ **Myron Larabee: One, it's a grenade launcher. (Imitates Rocket Grenade Firing, Exploding) Two, it's an anti-armor gun. (Explosive Shot) Three, it's an antitank gun. I see ya, buddy. (Explosive shot)**_

"Oh, my God!" Sean exclaimed while Myron describes the Johnny Seven O.M.A. gun.

 _ **Myron Larabee: Five, it was a tommy gun. (Machine Gun Firing) Six, it's an anti-aircraft gun. Just in case somebody survived, seven was a cap-firing pistol. (Gunshots)**_

"Are you done?" Sean asked. "Please, don't describe the commercial anymore."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Howard begin to imagine Jamie having a similar future as Myron.**

 **(In Howard's imagination, he sees Jamie dressed as Myron, carrying a whiskey bottle)**

 _ **Jamie Langston: Here's to you, Dad.**_

 **(Jamie takes a swig of whiskey)**

"Oh, please. I've seen this kid's future, it involves children making fun of him in his young age after starring in The Phantom Menace and in 2015, he gets arrested for reckless driving, driving without a license and resisting arrest." Sean says, mentioning the incident involving Jake Lloyd.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the chase for a Turbo Man doll continues when a radio station advertises a competition for the Turbo Man doll, involving identifying eight of Santa's reindeer. Howard and Myron race down to the radio station, with Howard being the first one there give the answer to the radio D.J., played by Martin Mull, but then he calls the cops on Howard.**

 _ **D.J. (Played by Martin Mull): Yeah, I got a madman in my studio, and…**_

 **(Howard kicks the door open)**

 **** _ **D.J.: Help me!**_

"I have the answer. Let me give it to you before I destroy you!" Sean continues to imitate Howard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After he gives the D.J. the answer, a pissed-off Myron arrives and pulls out a suspicious package.**

 _ **Howard Langston: And what's that?**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!**_

 _ **Howard Langston: A bomb?**_

 _ **D.J.: (Gasps) Good Lordy!**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: Yes, in layman's terms… a bomb! So back up!**_

 _ **Howard Langston: You built a bomb?**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: No, I didn't have to build a bomb. Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day. I just kept one in case I ever needed it. So give me the doll, or I'm gonna blow up everybody in this place!**_

"Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ on a cracker. _Seinfeld_ and _Naked Gun 33 1/3_ were right about postal workers, these guys are fucking nuts and they tend to snap at any moment." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Myron throws the bomb, but it turns out that it's not a bomb, it's just a harmless little music box. Then, Howard and Myron get duped by the radio DJ when he tells them the competition for a gift certificate, and the cops arrive as they point their guns at Myron while Howard makes an escape, only to be caught by…**

 _ **Officer Hummell: Just can't stay out of trouble, can you?**_

"Oh, hi Peter Gunn. Nice to see you again." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Myron tries to get out of it by taking another one of his packages and pretending it's a bomb just to threaten the police.**

 _ **Myron Larabee: Now put the guns down. Now! Put them down! Brother man, put your gun down! Everybody! You too, Barnaby Jones.**_

"Goddamn it, Sinbad! I was gonna call him that!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the police disarmed, Howard and Myron make their escape while the lead officer tries to figure out how to disable the package.**

 _ **Sparky (Played by Peter Breitmayer): Oh, you shouldn't mess with that.**_

 _ **Officer Hummell: Relax, Sparky. I was on the bomb squad for 10 years.**_

 **(Officer Hummell sniffs the package and shakes it)**

 _ **Officer Hummell: Gentlemen, we've been duped.**_

 **(The officers sigh in relief)**

 _ **Officer Hummell: This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.**_

 **(As Hummel opens the package, we cut to outside the building, where an explosion is heard. Howard stops as he is shocked to hear the explosion while Myron, who's in a different part of the building, appears to have heard the explosion as well)**

 _ **Myron Larabee: That was really bomb? This is a sick world we're living in. Sick people!**_

"Okay, now that joke was pretty funny." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard returns home after failing to find a Turbo Man for Jamie and as he arrives home, he finds Ted in his house putting the star up on his Christmas tree.**

 _ **Howard Langston: (After seeing Ted putting the star up on the Christmas tree in his house) That son of a…/I'm out all day… and he's in my house… putting up my star on my tree.**_

"I must break him." Sean said, imitating Ivan Drago before speaking in his normal voice. "Oh, wait. That's Dolph Ludgren. I meant to do Schwarzenegger."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before he could go to his house and pull a Running Man-style death on Ted, he remembers a little info from Ted and he stoops to the ultimate low, by breaking in to Ted's house to steal his son's Turbo Man doll in retaliation, but he couldn't.**

"Wait, he broke into Ted's house and he tries to steal the Turbo Man doll that he got from his son. He's a Ted's house and Ted has a killer reindeer. Oh, deer." Sean said.

 **(Howard sees the reindeer getting ready to charge at him)**

 _ **Howard Langston: (Gasps) Nice doggy.**_

 **(The reindeer growls at Howard)**

 _ **Howard Langston: Nice.**_

 **(The reindeer roars at Howard and goes after him)**

"Run! Go! Get to the choppa! Get your ass to Mars! Move it!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ted's bloodthirsty pet reindeer goes after Arnold and tries to kill him, but causes some damage by knocking one of the Wise Men's heads in the fireplace, starting a fire until Howard kicks the head out through a window, scaring the carolers and getting caught by his wife and Ted.**

 _ **Howard Langston: It's not what you think it is.**_

 _ **Liz Langston: Oh, it isn't? Really? Well then do tell me what it is, because as far as I know you got Jamie his own Turbo Man weeks ago. What it looks like is that you've broken into our neighbor's house and you're stealing presents from under the tree.**_

"Oh, honey. He has a funny story to tell you and you're definitely gonna laugh about it. It involves a run-in with Columbo, a disgruntled postal worker and Santa con men." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Liz is fed up with Howard's excuses and she leaves him to go to the parade with her son and Ted.**

 _ **Ted Maltin: (To Howard) You can't bench-press your way out of this one.**_

"Excuse me while I pick out the appropriate response." Sean said, looking away from the camera as the young critic picks out a series of responses a la Terminator vision until he picks one. "Fuck you, asshole."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Rudolph's reign of terror isn't over yet when the deer is thirsty for Austrian blood.**

 _ **Howard Langston: You picked the wrong day.**_

 **(As the reindeer charges at him, Howard punches out the reindeer)**

 _ **Howard Langston: You started it.**_

"Oh, come on! At least pick out a perfect one-liner. I got one for you. No more reindeer games for you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the parade where the people in charge of the parade could afford copyrighted characters like Bert & Ernie, Crayola Crayons, Paddington Bear, Leonardo from **_**Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **, etc. Howard arrives and as soon as he does, he sees Ted trying to put the moves on his wife.**

"That bastard!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard gets ready to go after Ted and murder him until he has another run-in with…**

 **(Howard bumps into Officer Hummell, knocking him down on the ground until coffee lands on him as he groans in pain)**

 _ **Officer Hummell: You!**_

 **(Howard runs as Officer Hummell chases him)**

 _ **Officer Hummell: Come here. Stop that man!**_

"Uh-oh! Dirty Harry is pissed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But don't worry, Liz rejects Ted by hitting him upside his head with a thermos of eggnog. Meanwhile, Howard hides inside a building, where he's mistaken as stuntman/actor, where he is slipped into… here's a shocker… a Turbo Man outfit. And then we have a cameo from Booger himself Curtis Armstrong playing a performer playing Booster.**

 _ **Chain Smoking Booster (Played by Curtis Armstrong): Finally! Where the hell have you been? Geez! I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up. Well, it's show time.**_

 **(He puts the mask on)**

 _ **Howard Langston: I know you. You're Booster.**_

 _ **Chain Smoking Booster: Yeah, and who the hell do you think you are, Mary Poppins?**_

"God, no. I do not want the image of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mary Poppins popped into my mind. That would kill my childhood." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While he's Turbo Man on a parade float, Howard must hand out a special limited edition Turbo Man doll to a special child.**

"Gee, I wonder who that lucky kid would be?" Sean asked.

 _ **Howard Langston: (Points towards Jamie) Jamie!**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: He knows my name.**_

"Well, that's because he has a thick Austrian accent and he's about the size of a mountain. Plus, he's your father." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jamie collects his prize and he finally has the best Christmas ever by getting a Turbo Man from his father. The end.**

"And that was Jingle All the Way and I thought it was an okay movie. It wasn't that bad as I thought it would be. I mean it was bad, but it wasn't horrible as…" Sean said.

 **(Myron ziplines down on a grappling hook, this time he's dressed as Turbo Man's archenemy Dementor)**

"Oh, for the love of…. COME ON!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, folks. The movie's not over yet. Apparently, this film hasn't gotten enough of Sinbad, when he comes in dressed as Turbo Man's arch nemesis Dementor and he tries to steal the Turbo Man doll from Jamie.**

 _ **Howard Langston: Come on, Myron. You're taking this too far.**_

"Please, for the love of all that is holy. Listen to the giant Austrian guy dressed as Turbo Man. You think he's probably taking things to far by making things right with his family." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jamie runs away as Myron tries to go after him for the doll while people applaud thinking that it's all an act. Really, people? There's some crazy postman chasing after a little kid for a doll and he's climbing on a roof and hanging on a Christmas decoration and you all applaud?**

 **(A clip from Gary Coleman's interview on** _ **The Insider**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Gary Coleman: You idiots! You bone-headed idiots!**_

 _ **Myron Larabee: All right, kid! End of the line! Just give me the doll!**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: Never!**_

"Oh, my Go…. Kid, are you willing to die than part with your stupid piece of plastic? Your life isn't worth it. Just give up the doll, you whiny little bastard!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Liza Tisch (Played by Amy Pietz): Fly! Fly, Turbo Man! Use your jet pack!**_

 **(Howard activates the jet pack that is on him)**

 _ **Howard Langston: It's turbo tiiiiiiiiiiiime!**_

 **(Howard flies off with it)**

 _ **Jamie Langston: Wow.**_

"Wait, hold it. So, are you trying to tell me that they could afford a couple of copyrighted characters and they can afford a fully-functioning jet pack? What's that I smell? I think I smell something. Oh, right. Bullshit!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Howard starts flying around the city and I have to say, it's a pretty cool scene and the visual effects is not that bad. After a bit of flying, Howard uses the turbo-rang, knocking Myron off of the neon Christmas tree and he falls into a parade float and gets surrounded by cops.**

 _ **Jamie Langston: Turbo Man, help!**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Jamie!**_

 **(Jamie loses his grip and falls off of the giant neon Christmas tree sign)**

"Yes! We're about to get a death in this movie. I'm loving this movie already." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(Howard eventually saves Jamie)**

"Damn it!" Sean exclaimed, slamming his hands down on the couch.

 _ **Jamie Langston: Thanks, Turbo Man. I'd knew you'd save me.**_

"Turbo Man, you're my hero." Sean said, imitating Jamie.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard, dressed as Turbo Man, saves his son. But Jamie is sad wishing that his father was here to see him flying with Turbo Man and then he drops a bomshell on him.**

 _ **Howard Langston: Jamie, your dad is not mad at you. He loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. You're his all-time favorite person.**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: How do you know all that?**_

 _ **Howard Langston: Well, who would know better than… (he removes his helmet to reveal himself) me?**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: Dad?**_

 _ **Liz Langston: Howard?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Nooooooo! No!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Howard apologizes to his family for neglecting them, Ted tries to avoid a beating from Howard for hitting on his wife, Jamie gets his Turbo Man doll and Howard apologized to Rick Hunter for being a clumsy idiot. Aside from all that excitement, Myron gets arrested but Jamie wanted to do something.**

 _ **Jamie Langston: (Gives Myron the Turbo Man doll) Merry Christmas.**_

 _ **Myron Langston: You know, this is gonna make my son really happy.**_

"Well, at least there's Amazon. If you want to spend a shitload of money for a Turbo Man doll that's like $600." Sean said.

 _ **Howard Langston: But, Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything.**_

 _ **Jamie Langston: What do I need the doll for? I got the real Turbo Man at home.**_

 **(The crowd cheers and picks Howard up)**

 _ **Jamie Langston: That's my dad! That's my dad!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And so, Jamie got the best Christmas gift ever… his father. And they all lived happily ever after….**

"Or do they?" Sean asked.

 **(We cut to a post-credits scene, with Howard finishing decorating the Christmas tree by putting the star on top)**

 _ **Liz Langston: Everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And, uh… And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder.**_

 _ **Howard Langston: What?**_

 _ **Liz Langston (Smiles) What did you get me?**_

 **(Howard panics when he realizes what he forgot to give his wife)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Howard) Oh, no. Not again.**

"And that was _Jingle All the Way_. It was an okay film. It's not that bad. I mean it was bad, but it wasn't as horrible as the other Christmas movies that I've seen before." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, as much as like this movie being a satire of the holiday season and dealing with the dark side of Christmas, my problem with the movie was the commercialization of the holiday. The movie is fairly entertaining, some moments were funny, there were some moments that made you question some things. The acting was okay. Even though that Schwarzenegger tries his best, he's still good. Sinbad was hilarious but sometimes annoying as Myron. Even though I tend to poke fun at Jake Lloyd, I thought he did an okay job. There was a sequel to the movie that was released straight-to-DVD back in 2014 called** _ **Jingle All the Way 2**_ **and it starred Larry the Cable Guy, it was not that good. Hell,** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **is Citizen Kane compared to it's sequel. All and all, if you're looking for a Christmas family comedy starring Schwarzenegger and if you're in the mood to do a good film riff, then this is the film for you.** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **gets three Turbo Man dolls out of five.**

"Well, that's all the time I have, until next time, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and let me leave you off with the _Put That Cookie Down_ remix." Sean said as he plays the _Put That Cookie Down_ remix right before he leaves the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Put that cookie down, now!**_

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **. Feel free to read and review it. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1984 horror comedy** _ **Gremlins**_ **. A Christmas movie fun for the whole family. Again, don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Anyway, if there's any Christmas special or any Christmas movies that you want me to review, feel free to PM me. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	47. Episode Forty-Three: Gremlins

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Last time, Sean's quest for Christmas continues when he reviewed the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas family comedy** _ **Jingle All the Way**_ **. Today, Sean and his friend Brian review the horror-comedy** _ **Gremlins**_ **. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **Gremlins**_ **is owned by Warner Bros. and Amblin Entertainment.**

 **Episode Forty-Three**

 **Gremlins**

Sean aka The Mayhem Critic is seen sitting on his couch in his living room once more before giving his usual introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new…. CHRISTMAS!"

Sean jumps up from off of the couch screaming Christmas repeatedly while running around the house and throwing numerous Christmas decorations all over the Christmas tree and while his Christmas freakout is going on, various footage and images relating to the Christmas season are shown.

"I love Christmas. Need I say more? Okay, I will. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!" Sean yelled out. "It's the best time of the year."

"Dude, relax. We get it. You love Christmas." Brian said as he entered the living room and sat down on the couch next to Sean.

"Wait a minute. What are you doing here?" Sean asked.

"We're supposed to be doing a co-review of today's movie. That's on the schedule." Brian said.

"It is?" Sean asked.

"Uh, yeah." Brian said.

"Let me check." Sean said, picking up his tablet to check the schedule. He began to notice that he has a movie to review with Brian. "Oh. Right. Yeah, I have my friend Brian here to review today's movie with me. Well, can I finish my Christmas freakout?"

"No." Brian said as Sean rolled his eyes at him.

"So, Christmas is in 21 days. It comes once a year and Christmas specials come on several time and Christmas in July. Who came up with that idea? I'd figure that I talk about a movie filled with warm, Christmasy feelings." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Gremlins**_ **is shown. We see Stripe trying to kill Billy with a chainsaw, then we get a montage of Gremlins wrecking havoc in Kingston Falls)**

"Or a movie scaring the shit out of your children during Christmas." Sean said.

"This is _Gremlins_." Brian said.

 **(The title screen for the movie "Gremlins" is shown, followed by clips from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 8** **th** **, 1984,** _ **Gremlins**_ **is one of those classic movies from our childhood that made such an impact… well, we're still talking about it today.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The film is about these creepy creatures known as Gremlins. Specifically, Mogwais. They're furry, adorable little creatures but there are three rules that you have to follow in taking care of a Mogwai or things will take a dark turn for the worse.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This horror-comedy was produced by Steven Spielberg and it was written by Chris Columbus. Yes, the same Chris Columbus who wrote the screenplays for** _ **The**_ _ **Goonies**_ **and** _ **Young Sherlock Holmes**_ **and he also directed two of the** _ **Home Alone**_ **movies, two of the** _ **Harry Potter**_ **films,** _ **Adventures in Babysitting**_ **and** _ **Mrs. Doubtfire**_ **. And the film was directed by Joe Dante, another one of my favorite directors, who's known for directing such classics as** _ **Piranha**_ **,** _ **The**_ _ **Howling**_ **,** _ **Explorers**_ **,** _ **Innerspace**_ **,** _ **The 'Burbs**_ **,** _ **Matinee**_ **,** _ **Small Soldiers**_ **and** _ **Looney Tunes: Back in Action**_ **.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) He also directed the third segment in** _ **Twilight Zone: The Movie**_ **.**

 **(The poster for** _ **Twilight Zone: The Movie**_ **pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, you're probably wondering why am we reviewing this movie if these creatures have anything to do with Christmas, which they don't. Hey, if I can review** _ **Die Hard**_ **last year, then I can review this movie.**

"Well, let's see what kind of holiday cheer Spielberg, Columbus and Dante whipped out for us, this is _Gremlins_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We open in a mysterious, shady marketplace in Chinatown, where we see Randall Peltzer, our narrator for the movie, played by the late Hoyt Axton, enters an antique shop while he looks for the greatest Christmas gift for his son.**

 _ **Randall Peltzer (Played by the late Hoyt Axton): The Bathroom Buddy. It's the invention of the century, friends. It eliminates the need to carry heavy luggage and things when you travel. You got your shaving mirror, you got yourself a toothbrush, you got yourself a toothpick, you got your toenail clippers, you got a nail file and you got yourself a dental mirror. This is going to revolutionize traveling.**_

"Hmm, I've think I've seen something like that on TruTV's _World's Smartest Inventions_. They showed Gibert Gottfried trying to shave with it." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The store's owner, Mr. Wing played by the late Keye Luke, isn't impressed by Rand's invention. But don't worry, there's something else in here that interests Randall.**

 **(Randall encounters a small, furry creature in a box)**

 _ **Randall Peltzer: What is that?**_

 _ **Chinese Boy (Played by John Louie): Mogwai.**_

 **(The mogwai sings)**

"Fun fact: in Cantonese, mogwai means "devil". Wait, what?" Brian asked with a confused look on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Randall is interested in buying this mogwai. But Mr. Wing says no. So, Randall offers him $200 for it and here's his answer.**

 _ **Mr. Wing (Played by the late Keye Luke): I'm sorry. Mogwai not for sale.**_

"You don't need mogwai. We have a magical monkey's paw that grants you wishes. Or we have a killer Krusty the Clown doll your son. Mind you, the doll's Good/Evil switch is set to "Evil"." Sean said, imitating Mr. Wing.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Mr. Wing's grandson, played by John Louie, decides screw it we need the money anyway. So, he meets Rand outside and sells him the Mogwai secretly. And then, he reminds him the three rules in taking care of a Mogwai.**

 _ **Chinese Boy:**_ _ **First of all, keep him out of the light, he hates bright light, especially sunlight, it'll kill him. Second, don't give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.**_

Question: after midnight, is it okay to feed them again? What about up at the North Pole where the sun doesn't shine? Is it an all-you-can-eat eating binge for them?" Sean asked.

"Dude, they talk about it in the sequel." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that dark and ominous opening, we get the opening credits where we open on the small town of Kingston Falls and holy shit this town filled with Christmas spirit. And this opening shows it by playing this Christmas song.**

 **(Darlene Love's** _ **Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)**_ **plays throughout the opening credits)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We're introduced to Randall's son, Billy played by Zach Galligan, his dog Barney played by Mushroom and his neighbor Murray Futterman, played by Dick Miller.**

 _ **Murray Futterman (Played by Dick Miller): Goddamn foreign cars, they always freeze up on you. You don't find American machinery doing that. Our stuff can take anything.**_

"You'll probably likely remember Dick Miller as the voice of Chuckie Sol in _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ and Boxcar "Boxy" Bennett in two Harley Quinn-centric episodes of _Batman: The Animated Series_. The two episodes are _Harlequinade_ and _Harley's Holiday_. Also, you'll see Dick Miller in every movie directed by Joe Dante. I can name those movies. I have a list." Sean said as the audience groans in agony. "Fine, maybe I won't name them. Assholes."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Billy works at the bank, along with his co-worker/love interest Kate Beringer, played by Phoebe Cates.**

 _ **Kate Beringer (Played by Phoebe Cates): Will you sign this petition?**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer (Played by Zach Galligan): Sure. What's it for?**_

 _ **Kate Beringer: To declare Dorry's Pub a landmark. Mrs. Deagle 's trying to take his lease away.**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: His too, huh?**_

 _ **Kate Beringer: Yeah, she says it's a dive, a public nuisance.**_

"Here's a little fun fact, you'll probably recognize Phoebe Cates from the 1982 teen comedy _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_ from her famous pool scene." Brian said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Fast Times At Ridgemont High**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Linda Barrett (Played by Phoebe Cates): Hi, Brad. You know how cute I always thought you were.**_

"And for those of you who wanted to see Phoebe Cates naked in this film. Then forget it. This is a PG-rated film and that's not gonna happen." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With all of our happy characters out of the way, we're introduced to an evil money grubber named Mrs. Deagle, played by Polly Holliday from the sitcom** _ **Alice**_ **and its spin-off** _ **Flo**_ **.**

 _ **Mrs. Deagle (Played by Polly Holliday): The bank and I have the same purpose in life: to make money, not to support a lot of deadbeats.**_

 _ **Mrs. Harris (Played by Brenda Balaski): Mrs. Deagle, its Christmas!**_

 _ **Mrs. Deagle: Well, now you know what to ask Santa for, don't you?**_

"Geez, what a heartless bitch." Brian said.

"And this is the same woman who put out an APB on Santa Claus." Sean said, referencing a Christmas episode of _Alice_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from her acting like Ebenezer Scrooge to the people of Kingston Falls, we see that she has a personal beef with Billy's dog Barney because he destroyed her beloved lawn ornament. And she unleashes her inner Cruella De Ville.**

 _ **Mrs. Deagle: Give him to me. I'll take him to the kennel. They'll put him to sleep. It will be quick and painless, compared to what I could do to him.**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: What could you do?**_

 **(A clip from the 1961 animated version of** _ **101 Dalmatians**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Cruella De Ville (Voiced by the late Betty Lou Gerson): Poison them. Drown them. Both them in the head. You got any chloroform?/I don't care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!**_

 _ **Mrs. Deagle: A slow, painful death. Maybe I'll put him in my spin dryer on high heat.**_

 _ **Mr. Anderson (Played by the late Harry Carey Jr.): That would do it all right.**_

Sean and Brian both spit out their egg nog in shock from hearing what Mrs. Deagle will do to Barney.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Barney's not going to take any crap and pops out from behind the teller desk and tries to attack the old hag, yet Billy's boss Mr. Corben, played by the late Edward Andrew's, is not happy about Billy bringing his dog to work and Mrs. Deagle bad-mouths Billy's father.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see Billy showing his drawings to Chuck Jones in an awesome cameo, until the douchebag vice president of the bank named Gerald Hopkins, played by Judge Reinhold, drops by to tell Billy that he almost lost his job but Mr. Corben has second thoughts because he gets sentimental during the holidays.**

 _ **Gerald Hopkins (Played by Judge Reinhold): Look, I'm a junior vice-president at 23. By the time I'm 25, I'm going to have Mr. Corben's job. By the time I'm 30, I'll be a millionaire. Look at you. You're practically supporting your whole family. The world's changing, Peltzer. You got to change with it. You got to be tough.**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: Tough, huh? And no one's tougher than you, eh, Ger?**_

 _ **Gerald Hopkins: Don't call me that. My name's Gerald.**_

"You want me to be tough? How about I shove this weenie whistle that Scott Calvin a.k.a. Santa Claus got you and shove it up your ass? How's that for tough?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But what's this? We see that Kate also works at Dorry's Pub on weeknights and Captain Douchebag tries to ask ever Hoyt and she's clearly not interested in him.**

 _ **Gerald Hopkins: Hey Kate, you haven't seen my new apartment.**_

 _ **Kate Beringer: I haven't seen your old apartment.**_

 _ **Gerald Hopkins: Come on, we're talking cable. Can we have dinner tomorrow night?**_

 _ **Kate Beringer: I'm working.**_

"Dude, the reason why she's not interested in you is because she caught you jacking off to her in the bathroom." Sean said, referencing the movie _Fast Times At Ridgemont High_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After an eventful day of work, Billy comes home to find his mother Lynn, played by Frances Lee McCain, cooking in the kitchen and watching** _ **It's a Wonderful Life**_ **while Billy plays around with one of his father's wacky inventions. But hey, his father came home and it's time for Randall to give his son that super special Christmas present.**

 **(After Billy opens the box, we see a little furry creature pop out)**

 _ **Billy Peltzer: You're kidding. Dad, it's really neat. Where did you get this?**_

 _ **Randall Peltzer: In some little junk store in Chinatown.**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: Has it got a name, Dad?**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Randall): Devil.**

 **Brian: (V/O as Billy) What?**

 _ **Randall Peltzer: Yeah, Mogwai. I don't know, some Chinese word. I just call him Gizmo.**_

We then see Brian holding his pet Maine Coon cat named Gizmo and the cat starts meowing at him.

"No, not my cat Gizmo. He's talking about the other Gizmo." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) This adorable ball of fur is named Gizmo and he's voiced by Howie Mandel.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then they break the first rule right when Lynn takes a photo of Billy and Gizmo by leaving the flash on, so Rand goes over the three rules with them and now Gizmo's the new family pet.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The next morning, Billy's friend Pete Fountaine played by Corey Feldman, shows up to deliver the Peltzer's their Christmas tree and Billy shows Pete Gizmo and the young lad completely messes it up when he spills a glass of water over Gizmo and this happens.**

 **(Five more creatures soon emerge from out of Gizmo)**

"Well, that's another rule broken." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It turns out that when you get a Mogwai wet, it starts spawning other Mogwai.** **These five other mogwai that were spawned from Gizmo's back are different than Gizmo. With Gizmo being the nice and adorable one, these guys are the troublemaking type.**

 _ **Pete (Played by Corey Feldman): Hey, look. That one's got a cute, little stripe on it's head. Hey, cutie.**_

 **(Stripe tries to bite Pete's finger)**

"Yikes! They're the more viscous type of Mogwai. You try to pet them and they get violent on your ass." Brian said.

"Originally in the script, Gizmo and Stripe were actually the same character, it's just that Spielberg thought it would be a really good idea to have one good Mogwai for the audience to enjoy from beginning to end." Sean pointed out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After learning that getting a Mogwai wet causes it to multiply, Billy tells his dad about it and this is Randall's idea.**

 _ **Randall Peltzer: I'll bet every kid in America would like to have one of these./Think about it, "The Peltzer Pet".**_

"How the hell are you going to do that? Are you just going to keep pouring water on the damn creature until it spawns out other Mogwai for you to sell them?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, we get the mogwais first act of terror…. They tie the dog up with Christmas lights and leaving him out in the cold!**

"Other than Gizmo, the others are just plain sadistic." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But anyway, the next day Billy takes one of the Mogwais to his former teacher, Roy Hanson played by Glynn Turman.**

 _ **Roy Hanson (Played by Glynn Turman): Um, can I keep one of these here, run some tests on him?**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: Yeah. I think I can spare one.**_

"Yeah, I don't think that's a very bright idea." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before things get chaotic, we get a drunk Dick Miller blaming all of his mechanical problems on gremlins.**

 _ **Murray Futterman: Gremlins… You got-you gotta watch out for them foreigners cuz they plant gremlins in their machinery./It's the same gremlins that brought down our planes in the big one.**_

 _ **Kate Beringer: (Laughs) The big one…**_

 _ **Murray Futterman: World War II./Y'know they're still shippin' them over here. They put 'em in cars, they put 'em in your TV. They put 'em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put 'em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!**_

"Gremlins, what a fairy tale." Brian said, imitating Bugs Bunny.

 **Brian: (Narrating) While Billy is walking Kate home, we learn something shocking, Kate doesn't celebrate Christmas.**

 _ **Billy Peltzer: What's not to like?**_

 _ **Kate Beringer: God! Say you hate Washington's Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares. But say you hate Christmas, everybody makes you feel like a leper or something.**_

"Hey, hey, hey. I don't want to hear any shit from you about hating Thanksgiving. Just to let you know that it's an awesome holiday. Also, you better not let the Nostalgia Critic find out that you hate Christmas. You know how passionate he is about that holiday." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But her pure dismissal of the holiday and her lack of giddiness for it is okay for Billy because he's asked Kate out on a date. Maybe she can re-enact her famous pool scene for him. She thinks he's really cute. However, when Billy gets home, his little box of quintuplets of horrors are hungry.**

 _ **Billy Peltzer: (Looks at the clock) Well, it's not 12:00 yet.**_

Sean gets ready to say something but doesn't. "Nevermind, looks like Decker Shado already made that joke when he reviewed Gremlins."

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Brian gives the Mogwais a big plate of chicken while the one at the school swipes a sandwich that Mr. Hanson left out and the next morning, we see that our cute, fuzzy little creatures are now cocoons.**

 _ **Lynn Peltzer (Played by Frances Lee McCain): Did you feed them after midnight?**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: Well, I gave them some chicken, but I made sure that it… No, no, no, no, wait a minute. I made sure.**_

 **(Billy checks his clock, only to find the power cord chewed.)**

 _ **Billy Peltzer: Mom, what's going on here?**_

"They fooled you. That's what's going on." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the Mogwai in Billy's house turning into cocoons, we see that the Mogwai in Mr. Hanson's classroom cocooned as well.**

 _ **Pete: So what did you say this was called? A putrid stage?**_

 _ **Roy Hanson: Pupal. Pupal stage.**_

 _ **Pete: Like a butterfly.**_

 _ **Roy Hanson: Yeah, right. Right. This is a cocoon, and inside he's going through changes, lots of changes.**_

 _ **Pete: Like my mother.**_

 _ **Roy Hanson: No. No, that's different. This is called a "metamorphosis", a change in form and in appearance.**_

"So, they mutate." Brian said.

"Yeah, kinda like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before the horror starts, Mrs. Deagle returns and she starts asking Billy about his dog.**

 _ **Mrs. Deagle: Where's that psychotic canine of yours, still hiding under the counter?**_

 _ **Billy Peltzer: Uh, no. I'm afraid he's on vacation.**_

 _ **Mrs. Deagle: You better keep him behind locked doors, because if I catch him, he's in for slow death!**_

"Jesus, lady! Lighten the fuck up. You're lucky that Cujo didn't bite your ass off." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back at Billy's house, we see that the cocoons begin to hatch, as well as the cocoon in Mr. Hanson's classroom. Of course, he doesn't know well enough to pay attention to the damn thing, let alone keep it secure in a cardboard box. And we do forget that this is still a horror film.**

 _ **Roy Hanson: (Tries to feed the creature a Snickers bar) Come on out. Take a bite. Let me see you. I just want to see you. Here. You try some of this now. I know you've got to be hungry.**_

"Dude, it just mutated into something and now you want to give it chocolate. Are you stupid?" Sean asked.

 _ **Roy Hanson: There now, don't you feel better?**_

 **(The creature bites Hanson's hand as Hanson screams in pain)**

"Well, there goes the only black guy in town. Always happens in every movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Billy arrives after responding to Mr. Hanson's call, he enters the classroom, only to find Mr. Hanson dead. Billy tries to call for help but ends up getting his hand scratched by the mutated Mogwai. Well, they got to show them off sooner rather than later.**

 **(The mutated creature pops out of the medicine cabinet and starts throwing stuff at Billy)**

"Hey, I bet that was a… Say, do you think that… Hey, could that have been a gremlin?" Brian asked, imitating Bugs Bunny.

"It ain't Wendell Wilkie." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Billy tries to warn his mother about the Gremlins and to get out of the house, but it's too late as they cut the phone line and Lynn is alone in the house with a bunch of pesky creatures as she sees one of them eating her Christmas cookies. Armed with a knife and other useful kitchen machinery to murder the fuck out of them, they should learn that they should never mess with a mother and her kitchen.**

 **(We see Lynn killing one of the Gremlins with a blender. We then see another Gremlin throwing plates at Lynn while she's shielding herself with a TV tray)**

 _ **Lynn Peltzer: Get out of my kitchen!**_

 **(The Gremlin screams right before Lynn stabs it with her knife. A third Gremlin throws a baking pan at Lynn, Lynn picks up a can of flea and tick killer and sprays the Gremlin in the face with it, then puts it in the microwave, turning it on until the creature explodes)**

"Never get between a chef and her kitchen." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With only two left stalking Lynn, one of them attack her by hiding in a Christmas tree and ambushing her. But never fear, Billy is here and he takes out the Gremlin by cutting it's head off with a handy dandy wall sword. And now, only one Gremlin left and it's Stripe. But before he goes after Stripe, Billy has to pick up Gizmo and bring him with him because, well come on, Gizmo is too cute! They track Stripe at a YMCA and a big indoor swimming pool. And you know what that means.**

 **(Stripes jumps in the swimming pool, spawning an army of gremlins)**

"Run for the hills, folks! Or you'll be up to your armpits in gremlins!" Sean yelled out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Billy heads down to the police station to warn Sheriff Frank, played by the late Scott Brady, and his partner Deputy Brent, played by Jonathan Banks from Batman: Arkham Knight, about gremlins wrecking havoc around town but they don't believe him.**

 _ **Sheriff Frank (Played by the late Scott Brady): Tell me something. Listen. Where do these little, uh "gremlins" come from, huh?**_

"You know something, these two cops are the most incompetent cops I've ever seen in my life." Brian said.

"Agreed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With an army of gremlins unleashed throughout the quiet little town of Kingston Falls, they stop off at the Futtermans' house just to mess with Murray Futterman.**

 **(The television starts acting up as Murray tries to fix the television, he gets a channel. Instead of a French dub of** _ **It's a Wonderful Life**_ **, we see a clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **)**

 _ **Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): Chuckie Sol.**_

 _ **Chuckie Sol (Voiced by Dick Miller): Batman! How'd you get here?**_

 **(Chuckie Sol shoots at the Phantasm)**

 _ **Murray Futterman: Foreigners.**_

 **(Murray changes the channel but gets static)**

 _ **Murray Futterman: I can't get a damn thing on this.**_

"Should've gotten cable, dude." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Murray heads outside to check on the antenna on the roof of his house, only to find out that it's damaged, then he finds something in his garage, revealing to be gremlins in his truck and they're going to make him meet his angel of death.**

 _ **Murray Futterman: It's them!**_

 _ **Sheila Futterman (Played by Jackie Joseph): Murray, you're crazy!**_

 _ **Murray Futterman: There's a gremlin here! There's a real gremlin in my cab! (Screams)**_

"This time I got you, 'ya lousy stinkin'…" Sean said, imitating a gremlin driving Mr. Futterman's truck.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, all hell breaks loose around the town of Kingston Falls as we see the gremlins wreaking havoc by hiding in mailboxes and terrorizing people trying to send some mail and playing some of UbiSoft's Watch Dogs by playing around with the street lights and making cars crash into each other.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Next, the pesky little gremlins stop off at Mrs. Deagle's to make her meet her angel of death and then we get this satisfying death scene.**

 **(Mrs. Deagle gets launched out of her house on a stair lift that has been sabotaged by the gremlins. Afterwards, Sheriff Frank and Deputy Brent spot Mrs. Deagle's corpse)**

 _ **Sheriff Frank: My God, Frye! That was Mrs. Deagle.**_

"Hey, Mrs. Deagle. Kiss my grits! Boom! Yeah! An _Alice_ reference in 2018 for the win!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Randall is trying to get home but he keeps getting sidetracked by selling everything he has to everyone he comes across, like selling his Smokeless Ashtray. While all that is going on, the gremlins and Stripe included are at Dorry's Tavern, where Kate is serving her rude, loud and destructive green customers.**

 **(We see some of the gremlins drinking beer and getting drunk. One of the gremlins start flashing Kate)**

"Man, these gremlins sure do know how to party." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With all of the gremlins partying and getting drunk and jamming to Michael Sembello's** _ **Gremlins (Mega Madness)**_ **, Kate tries to light a cigarette for one of the gremlins and after finding out that they don't like bright lights, she starts flashes them with a camera and tries to make her escape until Billy arrives.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thus, Billy, Kate and Gizmo run for their lives and hide into the bank. Then we learn the dark truth on why Kate doesn't like Christmas.**

"I mean, come on. How bad could it be for her not to like Christmas?" Sean asked. "Is it because she had a bad gift or something?"

 _ **Kate Beringer: I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search.**_

"Ma…maybe her father ran off with another woman?" Sean asked, making a confused look on his face.

 _ **Kate Beringer: The house was freezing , so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top.. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father.**_

"Pardon?" Sean asked.

 _ **Kate Beringer: He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us.**_

"Well, maybe her father survived this whole ordeal. He should learn not to climb down chimneys." Sean said.

 _ **Kate Beringer: He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.**_

"Jesus Christ, movie!" Brian exclaimed.

"That turned out dark, I mean too dark! The reason why Kate hates Christmas because her father died while he was dressed as Santa and climbing down the chimney. I thought this was supposed to be a happy movie. Holiday cheer, my ass!" Sean exclaimed. "Have a very Merry Christmas from Steven Spielberg, Chris Columbus and Joe Dante."

"It's nuts, it's funny and it's also sad. Help." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So after that dark kick in the nuts to your childhood, Billy and Kate head out, only to find that the whole town is silent but there's no sign of any gremlins. Well, that's because the gremlins are sitting in a movie theater watching a certain classic Disney film.**

 **(The gremlins are sitting in the movie theater watching** _ **Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs**_ **and singing)**

"They're watching _Snow White_? What's so Christmasy about that?" Sean asked. "Try showing the gremlins _The Black Cauldron_ , let's see how they like that movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) While the gremlins are into the movie, Billy and Kate sneak into the boiler room to come up with a plan to take out the gremlins while Stripe is at a snack bar looking for some candy and he ends up going to the candy store across the street. While all that is going on, Billy turns on the gas and lights up the rag and then they end up getting caught by the gremlins and start running for their lives and they duck for cover, blowing the disgusting creatures sky-fucking-high!**

 **(The movie theater explodes, killing the gremlins)**

"Well, this movie has the highest gremlin killcount." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After killing the gremlins in the movie theater, there's only one left…. Stripe. Who's hiding in a department store with his candy. So, it's climax time as Billy goes after Stripe but not before he gives Kate a kiss before he ends up rat bait for the leader of the gremlins.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) While looking for Stripe, Billy is armed with a baseball bat and Stripe proceeds to mess with him for a bit. And Stripe tries to kill Billy with saw blades and throwing balls and other items at him, then he goes Tyrion Lannister on his ass with a crossbow shooting him in the arm with it and he tries to kill him with….**

 **(Stripe appears with a chainsaw)**

"Okay, who's bright idea was to give Stripe a chainsaw?" Sean asked. "In a department store? And that should easily cut through that wooden bat and cut the son of a bitch in half."

 **Brian: (Narrating) But where's Gizmo in all of this? Well, Gizmo hopped out of the bag and starts driving in a toy car to help Billy while Kate flips the switches on to turn on all of the lights, but the thing is, it's not over yet. Stripe finds himself a fountain and a snub-nosed .38 and starts shooting at Billy while trying to soak himself in it to spawn more gremlins.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Gizmo's there to save the day as he pulls the curtains to reveal sunlight onto Stripe, giving him a yet gruesome death.**

"Well, it's over. It's finally over. There's no way that there will be any more gremlins appearing." Sean said.

 **(Stripe's skeletal corpse pops out from out of the fountain)**

"Holy shit!" Brian yelled out as he pulls out a pump action shotgun.

"The fucker's still alive!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out an MP5 submachine gun.

 **(Stripe melts into a puddle and dies)**

"Okay, false alarm. He's dead. Let's put our guns away." Sean said as Brian sighs in relief while they put their guns away.

 **Brian: (Narrating) With all of the gremlins and Stripe defeated, everybody has a happy ending and everything is back to normal. Except for one little problem. Mr. Wing shows up at the Peltzer's house and he's here to take Gizmo and he's not too happy about what has happened and the sale that has happened.**

 _ **Mr. Wing: You teach him to watch television? Aiya.**_

"Well, he wanted to watch _Game of Thrones_ on HBO. He just wanted to see some tits." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Wing is still upset about the chaos and the sale that even happened in the first place and sadly, Gizmo has got to go. But not before Gizmo has something to say to Billy.**

 _ **Gizmo (Voiced by Howie Mandel): Bye, Billy.**_

"Awe. I'm sorry, Gizmo's too cute!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Before Mr. Wing could go, Randall decides to make things right by giving him his smokeless ashtray.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Mr. Wing departs with Gizmo and Randall ends the movie with a little narration.**

 _ **Randall Peltzer: (Narrating) So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz or your washing machine blows up or your video recorder conks out; before you call the repairman turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds, 'cause you never can tell there just might be a gremlin in your house.**_

"And that was _Gremlins_ and my God, it's still hilarious as ever." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Aside from the movie being a bit dark and a bit violent for a PG movie, that movie and** _ **Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom**_ **were both responsible for the existence of the PG-13 rating and despite all of it's reputation, I don't think it's that hardcore.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I watched this movie when I was 7 years old and it didn't scare me. Hell, I didn't think it was scary, I just thought it was hilarious and I would like to thank my Mom for introducing me to that movie and boy, did that movie earn a PG-rating. Hell, PG movies were hardcore back then. The movie is entertaining with a lot of hilarious gags from the gremlins and the movie focuses on both suspense and comedy like Arachnophobia.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The movie was a success and aside from that a few parents were upset for taking their children to go see that movie because it was not family friendly.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the success of** _ **Gremlins**_ **, there were a few films in the '80's that inspired several unrelated films about small monsters. Films like** _ **Critters, Ghoulies, Hobgoblins, Troll**_ **and** _ **Munchies**_ **, which was directed by the film's editor Tina Hirsch. Anyway, if you want to show your kids that movie, just watch it with them, heck they might enjoy it. That's why I'm giving** _ **Gremlins**_ **5 drunk gremlins out of 5.**

"And that is all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm his friend, Brian." Brian said.

"Thank you all for joining us and remember: if your television acts up, if your laptop is on the fritz or your microwave is acting up. Turn on all of the lights, check under the beds and check the closets. 'Cause you can never can tell, there just might be a gremlin in your house." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline –** _ **(Gremlins laughing)**_

 **And that is all for the review of** _ **Gremlins**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed reading the new chapter. Sorry that it took me so long to post the new chapter, my old laptop started acting up last week and it wouldn't let me log on, which means my files were on there and I can't back up my files. So, I got an early Christmas present from my Mom and it's a new laptop with a touchscreen and I love it. So, now I can continue to work on my stories and this one. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean takes a look at the animated holiday disaster from Adam Sandler called** _ **Eight Crazy Nights**_ **with his friend Lucas. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	48. Episode Forty-Four: Eight Crazy Nights

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Man, it's great to be back to writing after I got my new laptop. Which means that I will be updating some of my stories and I will be working on new stories as well. Anyway, today Sean and his friend Lucas take a look at the animated Adam Sandler film from 2002 called** _ **Eight Crazy Nights**_ **. God help them. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **Eight Crazy Nights**_ **is owned by Columbia Pictures and Happy Madison Productions.**

 **Episode Forty-Four**

 **Eight Crazy Nights**

We see everyone's favorite fellow critic, Sean J. Archer aka The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room like always with his cup of non-alcoholic egg nog in hand. However, instead of being his cheerful, energetic self, he starts looking very bored and depressed this time.

"Good evening, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies, especially the ones on Christmas, a new one." Sean said to the camera before replying with a long sigh. "And to be honest, I didn't really want to plan this. I really don't. I'm not sure if I'm EXACTLY ready for the torture I'm gonna put myself when reviewing this next Christmas movie. Well, it's not exactly a Christmas movie to be clear. It's more like a Hanukkah movie. You fans ask yourself. "Why on earth would you want to review a Hanukkah movie where there aren't any to begin with?". Well, before we ask that important question, let's take time to focus on one man who may very well be much associated with the holiday itself. And that man is, is this…."

 **(A clip from the 1995 film Billy Madison is shown)**

 **Billy Madison (Played by Adam Sandler): Sooooo hot. Want to touch the hiney.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, it's Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore/Bobby Boucher himself, Adam freakin' Sandler. And oh my god, he was comedy gold back in the 90's. Right at the same exact time Jim Carrey tore it up in movies such as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dumb & Dumber, The Mask and Batman Forever, which is more tolerable and watchable than Batman & Robin, Adam Sandler built a reputation of his own as one of the most funniest men of the decade. The actor got his start in the late 80's on The Cosby Show right before going on to be a series regular on the popular MTV game show, Remote Control. His appearances made an impression on both Dennis Miller and Lorne Michaels so much, he cast Sandler as one of the cast members on NBC's Saturday Night Live. And holy crap, SNL back in 1990 brought out the heavy hitters and big names such as Rob Schneider, David Spade, Chris Rock, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon and the late great Chris Farley. Now THIS was an all-star team to end all-star team, am I frickin' right? Right after Sandler was done with SNL of all things, he successfully transitioned from small screen to the big screen this time with movies in the mid-90's such as Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Bulletproof, The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, etc. Heck, there was not one single movie where Adam goes off playing the likeable ass we all know and love. But his other movies?**

 **(A couple of posters are shown on the screen, most notably That's My Boy and Jack and Jill)**

"Yeah, it's not pretty." Sean shook his head before speaking out loud. "Well, before we get to today's review, I'm gonna have another co-reviewer review this piece of godawfullness with me. So here with me returning on this holiday hellride is my friend Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever. Nice to have you here with me tonight."

"Thanks, it is the Christmas season, so it was very fitting that I'd be here for this special occasion." Lucas nodded out with some egg nog in his hand. "Of course, special is the word because this movie was chosen by me for us to review together. Oh, and it was due to the bet I won against him in beer pong last night."

Fearing for the worst, Sean spoke out of regret. "Well, something tells me I'm gonna be up for another hangover then. And if you're all wondering the question on why there was no Hanukkah movie, well then, surprise surprise, Adam Sandler answered your prayers and made an animated film out of it. AND IT SUCKED!"

 **(The title card for "** _ **Eight Crazy Nights**_ **" is shown, as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film we're talking about today is the Hanukkah trainwreck known simply as** _ **Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights**_ **. The film was released worldwide by our good friends at Columbia Pictures on November 27, 2002 and directed by Seth Kearsley, who's known for working as an artist for animated films such as** _ **The Secret Life of Pets, Sing**_ **, and sadly enough, this movie. This was a movie co-produced by Sandler himself, marking his first foray into animated films. For those knowing how Sandler could name a title that's so obvious, it was based on his song entitled** _ **The Chanukkah Song**_ **, centering on the theme of Jewish children being alienated during the Christmas season while Sandler names a list of famous Jews that help being in the situation that those needy kids are in.**

"And sooner or later, you're soon gonna find out that watching this film ain't gonna be one of them." Sean scowled at the camera.

Feeling the pain Sean was feeling, Lucas added out, " Trust me, I feel your pain. I used to own this movie myself when I was 15, and I thought it was pretty funny myself knowing I was an Adam Sandler fan myself. And knowing how much it's aged so far, let me tell ya, that was one hell of a mistake."

"As for me, I was pretty damn lucky not to own this movie growing up, myself." Sean nodded. "It wasn't until this good-ol' S.O.B. sitting right next to me here suggested that movie to me so much, I HAD to check it out myself on DVD. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm ready to take the torture."

Lucas then smirked out with a pat on the back replying, "Now that's the fighting spirit, my friend. Anyway, now that we're here, we're gonna put on our yarmulkes for this one as we get ready for the Hanukkah disasterpiece known simply as Eight Crazy Nights."

Before the movie review can start though, Lucas brought out an assortment full of Doritos and cinnamon-flavored rum placed on the table, one of whom was a bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos that Lucas gave to Sean.

"By the way, a bag of Doritos, my good man?" Smirked Lucas.

"Sure, no prob." Sean nodded as he took the bag.

But once he opened it right up, Sean's face immediately turned to disappointment when he sees that the bag is empty.

"Um, Lucas? Are you sure you gave me the right bag? Because this one's got no chips in it." Sean asked Lucas.

"Oh, trust me, you're gonna want to use it for later." Lucas replied, patting Sean on the back.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Our film opens up with this nice little title card here alongside the fictional town of Dukesberry, which to me looks like any ordinary town you'd probably see in a** _ **Northern Exposure**_ **episode. Since we notice all throughout the film that Rob Schneider narrates the entire movie, me and Sean will narrate for him in his place since it sounds better this way.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It is also there that we're introduced to our protagonist/douchebag of the film, Davey Stone, voiced by Adam Sandler. Of course, we see him wasting his time away down at a Chinese restaurant downing and drinking some of the tastiest Scorpion bowls I've ever seen.**

"I ain't lying, he's got an appetite that makes Naruto Uzmaki look fucking skinny." Lucas said to Sean.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After we see Davey down his Scorpion bowl like a savage, he is approached by a racially-portrayed stereotypical Chinese waiter voiced constantly by Rob Schneider, which gives us this little gem.**

 _ **Mr. Chang (Voiced by Rob Schneider): Four Scorpion Bowl in 5 minute? That's gotta be a restaurant record.**_

 _ **Davey Stone (Voiced by Adam Sandler): Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record – longest burp.**_

 **(Davey then lets out a big , huge, gigantic burp that goes on for a good ten seconds, one of which disturbs a hobo walking by the restaurant. He's soon creeped out of it so much, he runs away)**

 **(A clip of** _ **That's So Raven**_ **is shown with the title character, Raven Baxter, looking disgusted)**

 _ **Raven Baxter (Played by Raven Symone): Ya nasty!**_

 **(Scene switches back to Mr. Chang, the Chinese waiter, looking very disgusted himself by Davey's burp)**

 _ **Mr. Chang: Congratulations. Now please excuse me while I go take shower.**_

"No shit, we all need one after watching that!" Sean snapped at the camera.

"I swear, we can all smell Davey's alcohol breath from here!" Lucas replied as he held his shirt up to his nose.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Drunk off his ass, Davey decides to go for a nice spin. But while he pretty much fails at putting one single keyhole in, he gets a nice visit from the cops.**

 _ **Cop #1 (Voiced by Jonathan Loughran): Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Drunkenly to cop) Uh, no officer, I'm just gonna say goodnight to my car and walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations.**_

"Well, that's a smart way for Davey to do." Sean nodded out. "He knows very well not to drive drunk aaaaand what the fuck is he doing?"

 _ **Davey Stone: (To his car) Ohhhh, mama, you like it when I hold you like this? Cause I'll do it all night long!**_

 **(Davey then licks one of the car windows, then proceeds to hump it from behind)**

"I'll tell ya, nobody has car sex better than Adam Sandler." Lucas smirked a little.

While Lucas was smiling at the scene he was watching, Sean formed a very unnerving gulp inside his throat for some reason.

"You alright there, buddy?" Lucas asked Sean.

"I'm fine, it's just that I nearly threw up from watching that scene." Sean groaned before replying. "Oh god, I hope no one even dares to try and write a Davey/Car smutfic after watching that…"

 **(A clip of** _ **That 70's Show**_ **is shown featuring Red Forman)**

 _ **Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): That kid's on dope!**_

 _ **Mr. Chang: He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!**_

 _ **Cop #1: What?**_

"Hey, I don't even know what the fuck this guy was saying either. It's just Rob Schneider playing a Chinese waiter." Sean said.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So the cops chase Davey after he dine and dashes, and then we get our first song in the movie.**

 **(The first musical number,** _ **Davey's Song**_ **, starts)**

 _ **Davey Stone: (Singing) I'm a kinda guy who can't stand a holiday.**_

 _ **So I drink 'em all away, that's me.**_

 _ **I don't decorate no trees and I won't eat no potato latkes.**_

 _ **But I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze.**_

 **(Davey squeezes a lady's melons she's carrying)**

 _ **Old Lady: Hey!**_

 _ **Davey Stone (Sings) That's just who I am.**_

"What the… Did this just turn into a Disney movie all of a sudden and Alan Menken wrote the song about how much Davey is a douchebag." Sean asked.

"Well, he kinda did confirm it, so it totally makes sense." Lucas said, nodding before taking a sip of his egg nog.

 **(Scene then switches to Davey skating past two kids who are spinning dreidels)**

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Well, I'll never spin a dreidel, but I'll always throw an egg and I'll charlie horse your leg for laughs.**_

 **(Davey then hits a pedestrian right in the leg)**

"Well, this has definitely turned into Grand Theft Auto really fast, doesn't it?" Lucas smirked out.

"If Davey keeps it up, he's gonna get 5-stars on the wanted level." Sean said.

 **(Davey then rides down a hill where a choir is singing under the Christmas tree, and Davey decides to ride around the choir in circles)**

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) While you're singing your holiday tune, I'm acting like the town buffoon. Whipping out my big white scary moon, and blowin' a beef your way…**_

 **(Davey then blows a big gigantic fart, therefore getting his fart cloud to surround the choir)**

"Oh my god, dude! That's so unsanitary!" Sean replied, getting a little uneasy around his stomach.

"I know, their frickin' mouths were open." Lucas nodded in unison.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) This time of year sucks. So I take my nunchucks and make sure every snowman di-i-es!**_

 **(Davey knocks down all the snowmen)**

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Believin' in Santa's all wrong.**_

 **(Davey then proceeds to rip off the beard off a Santa)**

 _ **Santa Impersonator: Ho!**_

"Hey, watch it now! Don't be an asshole to Santa, or I'm comin' after you." Sean glared at the camera.

"Same here!" Lucas glared at the camera too with a nod.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) And Hanukkah's eight nights long. I hate love, I hate you, I hate meeeeee…**_

 **(Davey then finally ends the chase by wrecking onto a Santa Claus ice sculpture, which tumbles alongside the ice sculptured menorah)**

"Damn, that's gonna cost Davey a fuckin' fortune there." Lucas replied, sipping onto his egg nog.

"No kidding." Nodded Sean.

 _ **Pedestrian: (Off-screen) Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent!**_

"Not to mention a douchebag, an asshole, a prick and obviously, a menace to society." Sean said, naming ways to describe Davey. "But then again, those very same things describes our orangutan of a President too."

"What about car-humper?" Lucas asked Sean.

"See, even my friend gets it!" Sean said to the camera while pointing to Lucas.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After endangering everyone and becoming a menace to society, Davey gets arrested and we see him in court the next day as the judge, voiced by Norm Crosby, starts spewing some exposition.**

 _ **Judge (Voiced by Norm Crosby): In the past twenty years, I've sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward….**_

"And none of those places didn't straighten him out? No wonder he's fucked up in the head." Sean said.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Opening a flask) Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. (He takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far)**_

"Oh, how classy of him. Drinking in the courtroom. He should be on TruTV's World's Dumbest. Which reminds me. Got any of that cinnamon rum?" Sean asked.

"Hell yeah." Lucas nodded, adding a bit of cinnamon rum onto his egg nog.

 **(The people in the stands are very unimpressed of what Davey did)**

 _ **Davey Stone: I'd hit a three-pointer for ya, except I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.**_

"Ugh, did I hear him say what I think he just said?" Sean replied, feeling a little grossed out.

Lucas nodded as he said. "I think Davey's threatening to either shove his thumb up his ass or pretty much flash the judge."

"I swear, none of them sounds good right now." Sean shook his head as he sipped his drink.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Before the judge can finally put Davey away, this happens.**

 _ **Mysterious Old Man (Voiced by Adam Sandler): Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.**_

 _ **Mr. Chang: (Looking confused) What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?**_

"Well, maybe you're just batshit insane." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So it turns out the mysterious voice coming from a short old man named Whitey Duvall, which is voiced by you said it, Adam Sandler. And… oh my god, he is just the most irritating character I've ever heard in my life, voice-wise. He sounds like what happened if Sandler got kicked hard in the nuts and sounded like a fuckin' Bee Gee.**

 _ **Judge: Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It's your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You're turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won't cover you anymore.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.**_

 _ **Judge: Whitey, what are you getting at?**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball?**_

"Oh sure, like community service with a dwarf does make the world go round." Sean rolled his eyes.

"Next thing you know, let's have that idiot rapist Brock Turner serve time coloring some damn dinosaurs or maybe sentence Harvey Weinstein to be a creepy prostate doctor." Lucas replied to Sean.

 _ **Judge: Whitey, if you wanna work with this punk, then god bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says, goes. And if I hear you break ONE law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than ten years.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Huh?!**_

 _ **Judge: Happy holidays.**_

 **(Judge immediately bangs the gavel, forcing Davey to stare down at Whitey in an unamused fashion)**

"Ten years, huh?" Lucas raised his eyebrow before shuddering. "I definitely hate to see Davey drop the soap in a state prison shower if he fucks up this whole town even once."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see Davey starting his community service as a referee-in-training for Whitey's Youth Basketball League and…..**

 **(Sean's sees something that disgusts him, the sight of Whitey's butt cheeks that are covered with white, furry hairas Whitey puts on his jock strap)**

"OHHHHHH! UGH!" Sean screams in horror as he removes his glasses and covers his eyes with his hands. "MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!"

 _ **Davey Stone: Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see too Persian cats on your ass? I think I'm gonna (burping) barf.**_

"Christ, I'm about this close to barfing up my guts out. God, I need to forget about that horrifying sight of Whitey's hairy white ass! Maybe a hot video from Brazzers would help." Sean said, pulling out his tablet and starts watching the video of Keisha Grey and Karlee Grey in a Brazzers Hot and Mean video and sighs in relief. "Ah, Keisha Grey lezzing it up with Karlee Grey. I'm feeling so much better now."

Lucas then muttered out. "Probably won't be later on…"

"Hmmm, did ya say something?" Sean turned to Lucas.

"Nothing." Lucas shook his head.

 _ **Davey Stone: Good to see you still got those circus feet.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot. *does a jig* At your service.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Looking disgusted) Yuck.**_

"I agree, those feet look UGGGGGGGGG-LY!" Shouted Lucas.

 **(A clip from Scott The Woz is shown)**

 **Scott the Woz: Huh… yeah, that's the thing.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whitey shows Davey the ropes as referee and he also reveals that he's hoping to win the 35** **th** **Annual All-Star Patch Award, it's the highest honor that the town hands out.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: I think it's gonna be our year, Whitey, I really do.**_

"Well, for your sake, let's hope that Davey doesn't screw it up like I don't know, uh, acting like a total fucking asshole to the children." Sean said.

 _ **Davey Stone: Foul in this kid fir eating everything in sight.**_

 _ **Fat Kid: Huh?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Jelly jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?**_

 **(The fat kid just runs off crying more)**

 _ **Person #1: Jerk!**_

 _ **Person #2: Idiot!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Back to the Future Part III**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole!**_

"I think we all agree here that yeah, he's an asshole." Sean said.

 _ **Davey Stone: (To the audience booing at him) Oh, you don't like that? How about you throw something at me. I dare you.**_

Sean then proceeds to pull out a Mirco Uzi from underneath his coffee table. "Okay, so who's with me in giving this dude a public execution?"

"I'm in." Lucas nodded as he brought out a pair of brass knuckles. "Let's clean his fuckin' clock out."

 **(Whitey becomes horrified of the trash that's being spilled all across the basketball court)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: They're scratching up my floor. *his arm twitches* Here comes a seizure. Eeeeeeeeeeeeh!**_

 **(The rest of the people start being disturbed by the seizure Whitey is now having)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: This will pass in a second, kids! Don't be scared.**_

 _ **Basketball Kid: Is he breakdancing?**_

"Yeah, stupid. He's breakdancing." Sean replied sarcastically before shouting to the camera. "WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK HE'S DOING? GO HELP THE OLD BASTARD OUT!"

Lucas shook his head and said. "No wonder they're too stupid to get help."

 **(Davey blows the whistle, therefore signaling the end of the game)**

 _ **Davey Stone: Okay, that's it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. *points to Fat Kid* Fatty's team loses 'cause I wanna see him cry again.**_

 **(The fat kid cries again as he becomes comforted by his parents, who stares angrily at Davey)**

"See that look? That's the look of two parents who want to rip out Davey's spine like Sub-Zero." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after seeing Davey being an asshole to the children, Whitey decides to take Davey to a place where he can mellow out. And what better way to mellow out is…. By taking him to a local mall.**

 _ **Davey Stone: Why the hell are at the mall?**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: 'Cause you need to clean your brain out, pal. And to me, the mall is the best place to do that.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: So, what's good about this place.**_

"A shit ton of product placement." Sean said. "Fun fact: director Seth Kearsley said all of the product placements were used without permission from their respective companies."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And if you though that Man of Steel had it worse with it's product placement, then check out some of the product placements in this film.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: You want a pair of socks? (Pointing) My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro's Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express.**_

"Okay, aside from _Mac & Me _and _Man of Steel_ with their product placement, this one's definitely taking it in the backdoor." Sean said.

"More like Seth Kearsley dumped his ass full of them, to be exact." Lucas nodded out sipping his eggnog.

 **(Whitey then looks through the window inside a See's Candies store)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: But if you're short of cash like little old me, the window's shopping's always free.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Is that something you prepared or did you rhyme that many times in a row by accident?**_

"I'm pretty sure Whitey just rhymed them, Davey." Lucas looked at the camera. "You know what happens to people when they think they're gonna die? They rhyme. I oughta know by watching _Bunk'd_ on Disney Channel, bro."

"We're not lying, Kevin Quinn's a saint." Sean nodded right away.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, looky here, there's a Victoria's Secret in the mall. I wonder why Whitey didn't mention- -**

 **(A Victoria's Secret clerk walks into a dressing room and catches the Fat Kid wearing a bra)**

 _ **Victoria's Secret Clerk: *To the fat kid* Aren't you a boy?**_

 **(The fat kid becomes humiliated so much he runs out of the dressing room bawling like a baby, forcing Sean to be a little disturbed at the scene he saw right now)**

"Uh, can somebody explain to me why that fat kid was wearing a bra? Is there something that I should know about this kid? God, I'm a little disturbed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Whitey is busy talking to Davey about youth league basketball and teaching the children about responsibility and teamwork and that he's been doing it for about 35 years, we see a woman named Jennifer Friedman, voiced by Adam Sandler's real life wife Jackie Sandler.**

"Okay, how much was he paying his wife to star in this piece of buffalo shit with him?" Sean asked while looking at the camera unimpressed. "It's like Dave Annable starring in the Freeform original movie _No Sleep 'Til Christmas_ with his wife Odette Annable. Okay, bad example. Bad example. But seriously, Adam Sandler had his wife Jackie in this movie. How many movies have we seen Jackie in with her husband?"

 **(We see posters for the films** _ **The Week Of, Sandy Wexler, The Do-Over, The Ridiculous 6, Pixels, Blended**_ **and** _ **Grown-Ups 2**_ **are shown)**

"God help us all." Sean said with a shocked look on his face.

"Although, I did tolerate _Grown-Ups_ , though." Added Lucas.

 **(Whitey digs into the bag of donuts that Jennifer had given to him)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic, and out of respect for her and her disease, I don't eat sugar products.**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman (Voiced by Jackie Sandler): There's a surprise in there, I think you're gonna like it.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Don't tell me it's Bavarian cream-filled.**_

"No. it's a grenade with your name on it. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?!" Sean muttered in anger.

 **(Whitey eats the donut at first, and gets excited when he finds out what kind of donut it is)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: It is Bavarian cream-filled! Hubba bubba!**_

"God, can your voice get more annoying than that?!" Sean shouted to the camera as if he was actually shouting to Whitey himself.

"If you ask me, Whitey Duvall's voice is like Lemongrab from _Adventure Time_ -bad." Lucas told Sean.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) But Jennifer's not alone though. With her is her son Benjamin, voiced by Austin Stout, who I must say is sporting quite a kickass Game Boy Advance to boot. After all, that system came out a year before this movie did.**

 _ **Benjamin (Voiced by Austin Stout): Hi Whitey, I got another Hanukkah present tonight.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Wow Benjamin, an Etch-A-Sketch? Not too shabby.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Whitey* That's a Game Boy, you idiot.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* Ooooh sorry, I'm not hooked up on modern technology.**_

"Seriously, if you can't tell the difference between a Game Boy and a damn Etch-A-Sketch, then you're obviously hopped up on drugs, old man!" Sean raised his voice to the camera.

"Wouldn't it hurt for Whitey to go out a little bit more?" Lucas shouted before muttering. "Stupid old fart."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Of course, Benjamin decides to show off his sweet little gift to Davey himself.**

 _ **Benjamin: *to Davey* First night, I got a basketball and some dreidels. Then night two, I got a pup tent so I can camp in the backyard. And tonight, I got this.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Benjamin* Wow, well maybe on night four, the Hanukkah Monster will come and take a big crap on your bed.**_

 **(Benjamin starts looking a little confused yet startled on what Davey said to him, forcing Jennifer to talk back to Davey**

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: *sarcastically to Davey* Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit, psycho.**_

"Believe me, miss, he's already wrecked a whole lot of them so far in this movie." Sean said, sipping his rum/eggnog. "In fact it was so much, we lost count."

 **(Scene switches to Davey, who's busy checking out Jennifer's curvaceous hips with a sly smirk on his face)**

 _ **Davey Stone: I'll tell ya, your girlfriend's backyard ain't sugar-free, that baby looks sweet.**_

 **(Sean's jaw immediately drops to the floor hearing this, forcing out quite a pleasing smile around his face in a sensual mood)**

"Well, damn." Sean gulped before replying. "I never really thought I'd say this, but Benjamin's gotta be one lucky kid. Who in the fuck knew Jennifer Friedman was such a total MILF in this movie?"

Lucas had no choice but to display a "Dat Ass" expression all around his face, saying in arousing fashion. "I mean, did you take a look at that ass? Oh my god, no wonder Davey wants to touch the hiney! I mean, it's so supple like an apple!"

"No kidding!" Sean nodded out. "If I could, I would give Jennifer eight crazy nights with her. Just me (or you) seeing her get bent over, forcing me to come to her and slip my ever-loving, foot-long- -

 **(Before Sean could say what he could say about Jennifer though, Whitey Duvall rudely cuts Sean and Lucas off, looking very angry)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Technical foul! Technical foul! That's a lady, and you will not speak about her in that way!**_

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry. I'll respect her and I will not say any derogatory comments about her. Just please stop yelling in that annoying-ass voice." Sean apologized.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whitey tells Davey that Jennifer's husband of thirteen years leaves her for some woman that he met on the computer and she moved back to town a month a go to try and raise her son on her own.**

 _ **Davey Stone: So she's available?**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Oh, you wish, mac. You blew your shot with her twenty years ago.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Twenty years. (In realization) Was that Jennifer Friedman?**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: I'm surprised you have enough brain cells left to remember.**_

"Oh, really? Because I thought he didn't have any brain cells for him to remember." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get a flashback to 1981, where we see Davey and Jennifer as kids playing basketball. Turns out that Davey and Jennifer were good friends back then.**

 _ **Davey Stone: Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to watch Dukes of Hazzard after the game?**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: That's a big 10-4, Davey.**_

 _ **Davey's Dad (Voiced by Stan Sandler): Hey, Davey! Smile! Your mom wants to take your picture.**_

"Cause heeeeeee won't rememberrrrrrrrr….." Lucas sang out, referencing the song Take a Picture by Filter.

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Jennifer* If ,y parents fall asleep early, I'll show you my basement.**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: *to Davey* Keep dreaming…**_

 **(Scene switches to see Whitey Duvall decked out in a white afro, moustache and referee uniform, looking groovy as ever)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: They make a nice couple boogie-oogie-oogies….**_

"Well, if I keep downing one of these, I won't be able to boogie anymore, will I?" Sean said, holding up his boozy eggnog in hand.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that flashback, Davey and Whitey bump into the mayor, who's doing some shopping. By the way, the mayor's voiced by former** _ **SNL**_ **cast member and frequent Happy Madison collaborator Kevin Nealon.**

"Because really, like we didn't have enough actors to collaborate with Sandler in his films from his production company." Sean said.

 **(The Happy Madison Productions logo is shown , with the elderly man, who's Adam Sandler's late father, Stanley)**

 _ **Elderly Man: Terrific.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Good evening , Mayor Stuey Duhy. Out for some late-night shopping?**_

 _ **Mayor (Voiced by Kevin Nealon): Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to rebuild our giant menorah and Santa. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again, Stone.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: I didn't do it for you. I did it for the ladies.**_

 **(Davey makes a move towards some woman walking by)**

 _ **Woman: Oh, yeah right.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Um, so has there been talk about who the luck patch recipient might be this year or…?**_

 _ **Mayor: That's up to who the whole town votes for. Could be you or me or anybody. All right, I'm going to get going now.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sarcastically) Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.**_

"Ewwww!" Sean said, making a disgusted look on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our next song of the film and…. (Sighs) If you think that Whitey's voice is annoying to hear, well you haven't heard him sing.**

 **(The** _ **Patch Song**_ **begins, then Whitey begins to dance)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) Uh-won't. Uh-you. Uh-dance with me. At the annual all-star uh-banquet. Uh-we'll (suddenly has on a tuxedo). Uh-be. So fancy free.**_

"Oh, god. My ears." Sean said, putting his hand up to his ear. The young critic moves his hand away from his ear and looks down at his hand, only to see that his ears are bleeding. "Well, I see that my ears are bleeding from that old man's singing. Thanks a lot."

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) Everyone in town will be looking their best. Even Mrs. Selman with her one extra breast. It's the kind of night were your feet match. When you're nearly five foot THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!**_

"Aggggggh, turn him the fuck off! I can't stand it!" Sean shouted to Lucas with his hands still shutting his ears.

"Will do, my friend." Lucas nodded by grabbing the remote control.

Seeing that Sean wasn't tolerating Whitey's singing any longer, Lucas pressed the mute button, finally silencing Whitey for good.

"Oh, thank goodness." Sean sighed in relief. "I thought he'd stop."

"Here's to hoping Whitey keeps his mouth shut without ever having to sing." Lucas nodded yet again.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After that nightmare-inducing earworm, Whitey agrees to take Davey home while at the same time Davey's chowing down on some tasty peanut brittle. You smell that peanut brittle, Sean? It smellllllllls GUUUUUD!**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* How's that peanut brittle?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Whitey, with his mouth full* Crunchy and delicious.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Funny, I don't remember Denise or Janice ringing up a purchase for you.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: I guess that means I STOLE it, doesn't it?**_

 **(Whitey then starts having a seizure while hanging on to the wheel, forcing him to lose control of the vehicle)**

 _ **Davey Stone: Easy, seizure boy!**_

 **(Whitey ends up slamming the breaks, forcing the car to stop)**

"What the hell, Davey? You could have killed that old bag!" Lucas whined to the camera.

"At least I'd be better off not having to hear him sing." Sean said in unison.

Lucas then nodded out and said. "Huh, good point."

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Ooh! That's it. I'm calling the judge.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus outta here. I ain't spending ten years in prison.**_

"Do it, Whitey. Do it! Take him to jail. Make him learn not to be an asshole. Let him sit in jail with some guy named Hustle Man so he can stick his foot so far up his ass, he'd be able to taste his goddamn shoe laces. Let Davey become somebody's bitch in jail! Let's some guy treat this douchebag like a bitch and make him comb his motherfucking chest hair!" Sean yelled out. "That's what jail is for."

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Maybe I'll just take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me just because of my size.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Why? You're smaller than me? (Bounces Whitey up and down) I didn't notice that.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Put me down! Put me down! And get out of my car right now!**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Oh, no. You're going to make me walk ten feet? (Opens door to reveal his trailer) 'Cause that's where I live, idiot!**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: I'm letting this one go, Stone. But next screwup, it's slammer time. Hmm!**_

Sean gets extremely ticked off and he is unable to control himself. "MOTHERFU…..!"

As he yells and slams his fists down on the coffee table, we see a giant, massive explosion blowing up a house and a giant mushroom cloud can be seen. A few moments later, we see a very exhausted Sean trying to calm himself down.

"Okay, I'm fine. Back to the film before I cause more damage." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Davey goes back to his trailer to relax, and we see that he has a card from his parents, we'll get to that later. Meanwhile, Whitey is having trouble with his car until he has some help from some friendly animals.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Hey! A little help, fellas?**_

 **(The deer, who are all voiced by Adam Sandler, chatter and start to push Whitey's car forward)**

"Ah yes, nothing makes mother nature more satisfying than seeing fellow deer help their human friends in hand." Sean sighed happily, seeing this nice gesture that the deer were doing for Whitey.

"Oh, I guarantee you we'll see them again soon." Lucas said, patting his friend on the shoulder before muttering. "Trust me, you will most of all."

"Hmm, what was that?" Sean asked Lucas.

"Nothing." Lucas shrugged.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Thanks to the deer, Whitey is able to get back home safe and sound, only to see that his fraternal twin sister, Eleanor Duvall, gets a little worried sick about him being gone for long. Eleanor is voiced by, you said it, Adam Sandler.**

"Well, I can't wait to see what SHE sounds like." Sean rolled his eyes in an unimpressed way.

 _ **Eleanor Duvall (Voiced by Adam Sandler): You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later.**_

Sean starts screaming in agony from the sound of Eleanor's voice. "God, that voice! Feels like my head is about to explode!"

"Sounds like a much more stupider Fran Drescher if she was born with a high-pitched voice." Lucas nodded.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *takes his coat off* I had an interesting talk with the mayor tonight.**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: The mayor? Was it about the ruffians who stole my Liz Taylor wig?**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Eleanor, that was 45 years ago.**_

"I can't remember what I even did 45 years ago! Obviously because I wasn't frickin' born yet!" Sean snapped out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Whitey and Eleanor soak their feet into buckets of hot water, and Whitey tells Eleanor that the mayor seems to think there's a chance that he might receive the patch this year and Eleanor tells Whitey not to get his hopes up too high about the patch. Then, we cut to the next day, where we see Whitey searching the town for odd jobs to help out himself and Eleanor.**

 _ **Lucas: (Narrating) Of course, what better way for Whitey to start than hang up a star on the good ol' Christmas tree right next to the mall.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: How's that fellas?**_

 _ **Construction Guy 1: It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: You got it.**_

 **(Whitey tries to move the star to the right, but slips on a branch and falls off the tree, landing smackdab onto a present which gets him stuffed inside)**

 _ **Construction Guy 1: Well, would you look at that? It's a "Jackass-In-The Box"!**_

"Oh, that's a good one." Lucas smirked. "Johnny Knoxville would so use that name if he ever starts a restaurant of his own."

"All complete with Bam Margera Burgers served with a side of Steve O-nion Rings and a WeeMan-sized drink." Sean smirked as well before sipping on his eggnog.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After making a fool of himself after trying to put the star up on the Christmas tree, Whitey starts cleaning some porta potties and Davey, who steps out of a third porta potty with a hangover, decided to pick on him.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: That's what happens when you hit the bottle, pal. You go to sleep in Dukesberry, you wake up in Pukesberry. (Starts to hose down the last porta potty and laughs at his joke) Pukesberry.**_

 **(Davey gets pissed off and shuts the door on Whitey, locking him shut. Then, Davey pushes the porta potty down , sending Whitey down the hill in a room full of human feces)**

"Okay, that's a shitty thing to do." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.

 **(Whitey then climbs out of the porta potty, covered in human feces)**

We then cut to Sean, who's doing a Jim Carrey-style dry heave from _Dumb and Dumber_ from the sight of Whitey covered in poop. "Nope. Not gonna do it. I'm not gonna end up vomiting like the late George H.W. Bush. Ain't gonna happen. Nope. Not here."

 **(Davey rushes down the hill with a hose)**

 _ **Davey Stone: That's a good look for you. But for health reasons, I should probably spray you off.**_

 **(Davey sprays Whitey with water, freezing him in ice)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Smell you later, poopsicle. (Laughs)**_

"Okay, that was pretty funny. Whitey did deserve it." Sean chuckled a bit.

 **(We transition to nighttime, a still frozen Whitey notices the deer walking over)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: A little help, please.**_

"Oh, Christ. Please tell me that the deer are not going to…" Sean said, dry heaving once more.

"Oh, I think they're gonna." Lucas nodded, fearing the worst to happen for Sean.

 **(The deer immediately come over and lick the ice and crap ice off of Whitey)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Your tongues tickle! It tickles!**_

 **(One of the deer starts to turn to the camera and smiles with the rest of the shit stuck to his teeth. Sean becomes horrified and traumatized by this image so much that he starts to get a sore taste in both his mouth and stomach altogether)**

"OH MY GOD!" Sean cried out in agony before heaving. "I think… I think I'm gonna….!"

"Quick, use the empty Dorito bag I gave ya!" Lucas said, pointing to the Dorito bag sitting on the coffee table.

Not holding out his bile any longer, Sean quickly grabbed the Dorito bag and vomited violently inside it non-stop, forcing out one unnerving smile coming from Lucas himself.

After puking once more inside the bag yet again. An upset stomach-ridden Sean turned to Lucas and shouted. "WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS?!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After puking your guts from that shit-eating scene. God, I haven't puked this much since I first saw** _ **Two Girls, One Cup.**_ **We cut to the Jewish Community Center, where Davey is called to the basketball court so Whitey can teach him some of the rules of basketball and one of the basketball players overhears that Davey can take them on in a game of basketball.**

 _ **Basketball Player #1: I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that right now.**_

 **(The basketball player throws a basketball at Davey.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: He was just kidding, fellas. Whole lot of jibber jabber. We got no beef with you guys. Heeheehee.**_

 _ **Basketball Guy #1: Because if a midget and a drunk can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap.**_

"Okay, who thinks that Davey and Whitey will get whooped by these two guys in a game of basketball? Raise your hands." Sean said as he and Lucas both raised their hands.

 _ **Basketball Guy #1: First to five wins. We're shirts.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?**_

"Christ, no. Keep your shirt on, old man. It's bad enough I threw up from that scene. I don't need to start throwing up again." Sean glared at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Davey and Whitey take on the two basketball players in a game and….**

 **(Whitey tries to shoot through, until the basketball guy comes in and knocks the ball right down onto Whitey's head and into his mouth, knocking him down)**

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMNNNNNN!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Friday After Next**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Craig (Played by Ice Cube) and Day-Day (Played by Mike Epps): You got knocked the fuck out!**_

 _ **Craig: Bitch!**_

 _ **Davey: Are you finally dead, old man?**_

 **(Davey turns Whitey over to see he's been knocked out and looking crazy, but still alive. He spits out the basketball)**

"Damn it. He's still alive. This film had ample opportunity to kill that old fart and yet he lives." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

"He's like Tom Cruise from frickin' _Edge of Tomorrow_!" Lucas pointed out right away.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *feeling dazed* I'll be over to feed the cats in the morning, Mrs. Addison…**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Ok, he's useless.**_

 **(Davey picks Whitey up and places him on a bench)**

 _ **Davey Stone: One more thing….**_

 **(Davey puts both of Whitey's hands inside his pants, making him feel relaxed)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Good kitty, nice kitty…**_

"Ugh, I probably don't need to ask…" Lucas shook his head to the camera.

"Me neither." Sean nodded before replying. "I'm pretty sure it's bestiality Whitey's dreaming about right now. Creepy old bastard."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) With Whitey down for the count, Davey immediately chooses Jennifer's son Benjamin to fill in for him, despite the kid not being good at the sport itself. That all changes when Davey manages to give him advice, telling him to shoot when necessary.**

"So, how do you think this one's gonna go?" Lucas asked Sean.

"To be honest with you, I think that they might win this one. With Benjamin taking over for Whitey, I have hope in this kid. They might beat these two." Sean said.

 **(Benjamin shoots at the basket and scores)**

 _ **Benjamin: Yeah!**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (To basketball guy) Uh-oh, looks like you better start showing the spaz some respect.**_

 **(The basketball guy passes the ball to Davey, who twirls it with his finger for a second, then begins dribbling, taunting the man as Benjamin and the second basketball guy look at each other, wondering what Davey is doing)**

 _ **Davey Stone: Where am I going, baby? Where am I going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap. Oh-ho-ho-ho!**_

"Quit taunting the guy and pass the ball over to the kid!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Davey passes the ball over to Benjamin, who shoots the basket and scores. Davey then points to the sweaty, fat man who's doing aerobics)**

 _ **Davey Stone: I hope you all like your jockstraps extra sweaty.**_

 _ **Sweaty Fat Man (Voiced by Adam Sandler): A-one, A-two, A-three!**_

 **(The camera zooms in on the fat guy's jockstrap, which of course makes Sean's stomach uneasy)**

"Oh, crap, I think I'm gonna…." Sean said, heaving a bit before taking a big gulp, indicating that he almost came close to throwing up.

"Nice save there, buddy." Lucas said, patting his friend on the back.

Sean nodded and replied. "You kiddin' me? As if sick things like that didn't make my stomach churn enough."

 **(Benjamin shoots to the basketball, with the second basketball guy missing a chance to receive it)**

 _ **Davey Stone: Got a piece! (Jumps up and slam dunks the ball into the basket) Bam! Got a piece of my ass!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Davey and Benjamin manage to beat the two basketball guys and just when we thought that Davey was beginning to change, he gets Benjamin to say this.**

 _ **Benjamin: Eat that nut-strap, be-yatch!**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Walks in mad and starts yelling) Benjamin!**_

"Smart move, Davey-Boy. Teaching the kid to curse? You're a role model to the children." Sean smirked a bit.

"Yeah, hard to believe parents are the same whenever they let their 8-year old watch South Park." Lucas nodded in unison.

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: *to Benjamin* Don't EVER use that kind of language again. Do you hear me?**_

 _ **Benjamin: I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Jennifer* Ah, he's just having some fun.**_

"No kidding, I'd love to have fun with Jennifer myself." Sean smirked naughtily.

"Me too." Lucas said as he started daydreaming. "Hmmm, if there was ever a XXX parody of this movie, I'd so want Kendra Lust or Lisa Ann as Jennifer for sure."

"Count me in." Sean nodded before he said to the camera. "And I don't give a damn if Whitey gives me a so-called 'technical foul', I want that hot piece of MILF ass because it's my show, damn it!"

 **(Jennifer leaves with Benjamin. Then, we cut to Whitey, who's still feeling his behind)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: My finger's in your mouth, kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.**_

"OHHHHHH! Yuck! What the flying fuck, movie?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that scene, we get our third song of the film called Long Ago.**

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) It all seems so long ago.**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) Young and happy don't you know.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Down by the creek I would show. Fireflies to that girl.**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) But that was back when he was so nice**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Before my warm heart turned to ice.**_

"Ah, well this is nice to hear a song from both Davey and Jennifer, even though that's not Jackie Sandler singing." Lucas sighed in relief.

"I know. This is a great song. There's no way that they could possibly ruin this perfectly, good…" Sean said, before getting interrupted.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) Eleanor's bra is a trainer.**_

"Goddamn it, movie! Why? Just why?" Sean asked, removing his glasses from off of his face and making a facepalm.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Well, over there's my family home.**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) And the woods we used to roam.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) The only time I had sex was on the phone.**_

Sean immediately spits out his eggnog in shock.

"Yeah, the feeling's mutual." Lucas sighed disappointingly. "Except, I'm all out of eggnog. Damn it."

"If Whitey's gonna keep singing like this, the only thing I'm gonna lose is my lunch." Sean answered with a groan.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) I've carved our names upon that tree.**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) I loved him and he loved me.**_

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: (Sings) My darling wife was once a "He".**_

 **(The person turns to the camera, revealing to be a big middle-aged man with a short female bob haircut)**

 _ **Middle-Aged Man/Mayor Duhy's Wife: But that was long ago….**_

"Okay Mayor, we really didn't need to know that about you!" Sean shouted with a cringe.

"Indeed." Lucas nodded before replying . "By the way, here's a little cool fact about this song: Jennifer's singing voice was done by Alison Krauss, who in my mind is a tremendous country singer. If you haven't seen her work, listen to her cover of Keith Whitley's 1988 classic, _When You Say Nothing At All_ from 1995. It is that perfect. Okay, back to the song."

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) He'd always whisper in my ear.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) But then I started drinking beer.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) My jewels got licked by six frisky deer.**_

 **(An image is shown of the deer smiling with crap still on their teeth. Sean immediately looks at this and starts to feel uneasy again)**

"Oh, god. Don't. Because I do not want to see that. Can we get to something else interesting other than deer with shit stuck to their teeth?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) Now he's just a loner and a liar.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) And my trailer's caught on fire…Fire?!**_

 **(Davey's trailer is set on fire by the basketball guy, who has a jockstrap in his mouth)**

 **(A clip from Scott the Woz is shown)**

 _ **Scott the Woz: Oh, shit.**_ **(Btw, the word "shit" is bleeped out.)**

"Thank you! At least we get some action from this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of the guys that Davey beat in the basketball sets his trailer on fire. I don't know how he knows where Davey lives. And Davey runs inside his trailer and saves his card from his parent from getting burned up. Now, Davey is left without a home. Sucks to be him.**

"See that? Serves you right for being an asshole to the whole town." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Faking It**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Lauren Cooper (Played by Bailey De Young): Karma's a bitch.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Maybe it's some kind of sign. After all, Chanukah is the festival of lights.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: I should stick you on a twig and roast you.**_

"Hey, that's not a bad idea at all. Let's roast the little old bastard." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, he doesn't do that. Instead, he's staying with Whitey and Eleanor at their house for a while. Oh, joy.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we cut to Eleanor, who is busy dealing with some kid who's pulling a Bart Simpson-style prank call.**

 _ **Mischievous Kid: (Over phone) Hi, is Ophelia there?**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Ophelia who?**_

 _ **Mischievous Kid: Ophelia Hiney.**_

"Ophelia? Is there an Ophelia Hiney in here? Ophelia Hiney? I want Ophelia Hiney." Sean said, imitating Moe Syzlak from _The Simpsons_ as Lucas starts laughing.

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Oh, feel my hiney?**_

 **(The kids over the phone start laughing)**

"Uh, no. I would rather feel Bailey Brooke's hiney or Alexis Texas' hiney. Better yet, how about I feel on Bailey Brooke, Alexis Texas and Lexi Belle's hineys. Yeah. I would so love that." Sean smirked and winked naughtily.

"Same here with Sara Jay and Jaylene Rio's." Lucas smirked naughtily as well.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Once Eleanor sees Davey Stone in their house for the first time, this happens.**

 **(Eleanor looks at Davey, but starts having a freakout and gets frightened)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: (Screams) It's a home invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: It's okay, Eleanor. It's okay!**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Whitey* Whitey, thank god you're here, we're being robbed by a lunatic! *to Davey* Mister, if you're gonna kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!**_

"Well, if you keep shooting your mouth off like an annoying gnat, maybe he will!" Sean shouted to the camera.

"Then again, that also best describes Donald Trump as well." Lucas said to the camera too.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Whitey* The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he can molest you?**_

Sean and Lucas both look at the camera with a shocked expression on their faces. The two were both speechless from what Eleanor just said until we cut to a clip from JonTron.

 **(A clip from JonTron is shown)**

 _ **JonTron: What?! What the fuck?!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, so the Duvall household has a whole lot of rules that Whitey refers to them as technical fouls after Davey whips out a can of beer and then we get our fourth song.**

 **(The song** _ **Technical Foul**_ **, starts)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) If you come in from the street. With dirty shoes on your feet. That's a technical foul. If you switch the radio to some "modern" music show. That's a technical foul.**_

"Uh, yeah. I'm gonna put these earbuds in my ear and I'm gonna listen to Twisted Sister's Silent Night because I do not want to hear that old gremlin singing again." Sean said, putting his earbuds in his ears and starts listening to Silent Night by Twisted Sister.

"Go ahead, my man. I'm gonna enjoy the song." Lucas said as he kicked back on the coffee table.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) If you don't shut the door, after using the 'fridgerator, cause that's a technical foul. A technical foul!**_

Lucas somehow grows disinterested from this song so much that it starts to make him frown in response.

"Eh, screw this. I'm just gonna skip to the parts I like." Lucas said before grabbing the remote control to press the fast forward button.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) If I make fun of your crazy feeties, or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes…**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) That's not only a technical foul, but possibly a homicide!**_

"Maybe if we fed them to you, that would make Sean happy and we would live without your annoying singing voice without driving us to suicide." Lucas muttered to himself before saying. "Oh, by the way: SKIP!"

Lucas then pressed the fast-forward button again skipping to the part where Davey started marching proudly.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Can I walk around with my morning erection?**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: (Sings) If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul.**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: (Sings to Davey) But I like to see it anywaaaaaaaaaaay!**_

 **(Davey starts to feel disgusted hearing Eleanor's comment towards him)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey* Just kidding.**_

 **(Eleanor then starts to wiggle her eyebrows at Davey in quite a suggestive manner)**

Sean then took notice the scene himself too, forcing him to feel uncomfortable by this so much so that he took his headphones off and said to Lucas. "What the hell was Eleanor doing to Davey right about now?"

Lucas then said to Sean. "I think she wants to see Davey's boner."

"Noooooooooooooo! No, no, no, no, no! NO! That's a technical foul right there!" Sean angrily points to the camera. "How about I get Kendra Lust to see Davey's boner. Now, that's not a technical foul."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that song, we see that time passes and we see that Davey seems to be changing for the better, as he helps Whitey and Eleanor around the house.**

 **(Eleanor is trying to reach some cobwebs with a broom and Whitey comes to assist her)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Wish we were taller, Eleanor?**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: I can't reach the cobwebs.**_

 **(Davey picks up Whitey on his shoulders. He then picks up Eleanor, who rides on Whitey's shoulders and Eleanor then brushes off the cobwebs)**

 **** _ **Eleanor Duvall: Thank you, Davey.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: No problem, Eleanor.**_

"Did I just see Davey being nice? Davey's being nice." Sean said, then gasps. "Shocker!"

 **(A clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd is shown)**

 _ **AVGN: (Sarcastically) What a surprise.**_

 **(Scene then shows Davey brushing his teeth, who then turns to both Whitey and Eleanor who are shaving. Whitey is busy shaving his chest while Eleanor is doing her unibrow)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Shaving the chest.**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Nobody likes a unibrow.**_

Sean immediately sees this and starts to feel sore all around his throat and stomach very easily.

"Oh, damn it…" Gagged Sean.

 **(We then cut to Davey lying on the couch reading as Whitey turns on a light for him while Eleanor brings him a fake can of peanuts. Davey grabs the fake can of peanuts and opens it as snakes pop out. Eleanor laughs and Whitey starts having a seizure. Both Eleanor and Davey are laughing)**

 _ **Davey Stone: Good one, Eleanor.**_

"Oh, ha ha ha. Ha! That's funny! Go ahead, let the old fart die because seizures is funny. God, you're a sick fuck, Sandler." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating): The next day, we see Davey, Whitey and Eleanor at the skating pond and…**

 **(Eleanor is trying to eat a corn dog with a fork and a spoon)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Now, I can understand wrapping the cornmeal around the hot dog, but why the heck would they shove the stick in here? I'm exhausted trying to cut around it.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: You're supposed to hold the stick and just eat the corn dog off of it.**_

"Who the hell eats a corn dog with a fork and spoon? Just eat the corn dog off of the stick. If you don't know how to eat at corn dog, then I should just slap you in the face for being born stupid." Sean said.

"Ditto." Lucas said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get some insight on how Davey is the way he is now as we get a flashback to 1981 and we see it's the night of the basketball game at the Jewish Community Center. Oh, and it's Hanukkah. Anyway, Davey's parents were supposed to be at the game, until something tragic happened to them. And this is where the drama starts.**

 _ **Davey Stone: Okay, nice story. You can stop now.**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: No, no, go on. Whitey, I mesmerized.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Can we just go? I'm cold.**_

"Yeah, I want to hear what happened. Go ahead, Whitey. Tell the story." Sean said.

"Yeah, go ahead. I'm sold." Lucas nodded before pouring himself another glass of eggnog.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) It is there that we soon learn that Davey's parents were tragically killed in a horrific car accident due to a truck that hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. And the only thing that escaped the entire wreckage was the Hanukkah card that his parents was gonna give him after the game. Filled with sorrow, Davey now becomes an orphan as a result, and soon leads to his bad behavior that he is built with now. And Jennifer attempting to make him feel better doesn't even work either.**

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: Davey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: There's nothing to say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now leave me alone.**_

 **(Davey soon walks past Jennifer and leaves, making her even more sad)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Like that's the saddest story I've ever heard.**_

 **(Eleanor cries a bit stupidly before calming down with a nice sigh)**

"No crap, having to sit watching this poopfest is just sad enough as it is." Sean groaned to the camera before looking at Lucas. "Got more of that cinnamon rum?"

"I got more where that came from, buddy." Lucas nodded, pouring some more rum into his eggnog.

 **Sean: (Narrating) However, Whitey's retelling of that tragedy triggers something inside Davey so bad, he decides to take his rage on the old man. But not until Eleanor decides to intervene at the moment.**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey* You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are so often stronger than the people why try to hold all their pain inside.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Eleanor* Did you read about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch so he can pretend people actually like him?**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Which month was that in?**_

"Oh, I know what it is!" Sean raised his hand before saying. "It was that one issue where I tried to kill myself after watching some stupid dumbass deer lick excrement and ice off a frozen old fart. And not to mention an editorial where Ross Lynch explains to everyone why he made a sex tape with him, Laura Marano and Dove Cameron in one Paris night a short time ago. I'm kidding, that one's not true, although my friend Lucas does have a smutfic idea that has Austin Moon making love to both Ally Dawson and Liv Rooney in a hot threesome. Hoping to read that soon enough.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* Take that back.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Whitey and Eleanor* Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest-looking fraternal twins who no one gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning. *to Whitey* But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you, because the truth is: NOBODY IN THIS TOWN EVEN KNOWS YOU EXIST!**_

"Yikes man, take a frickin' chill pill why don't ya?" Lucas cringed a little due to Davey's outburst.

"Whitey just had to break him like that." Sean shook his head before turning to the right. "Kenan Rockmore, how did you react?"

 **(A clip of** _ **Kenan and Kel**_ **is shown with Kenan Rockmore looking flabbergasted)**

 _ **Kenan Rockmore (Played by Kenan Thompson): WHHHHHHHY!?**_

 **(Clip then switches back to Eleanor looking offended and upset)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey* You're an animal!**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Eleanor* And you're bald!**_

 **(Davey rips Eleanor's wig off)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Not again!**_

 **(Eleanor then falls to the ground)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *to Davey* You're not… welcome in my house.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *to Whitey* Good, YOUR HOUSE SUCKS!**_

"Well, so much for him being nice. And you know something, there's a song that Denis Leary made about him. I forgot what the name of the song was." Sean said, thinking of the name of the song Denis Leary made in 1993.

"I think I know what the name of the song is." Lucas said.

"Oh, yeah. Now I remember…." Sean said.

"ASSHOLE!" Sean and Lucas both pointed and yelled at the camera as the song _Asshole_ by Denis Leary starts playing with a picture of Davey Stone popping up.

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: That's my problem!**_

 **(Davey throws Eleanor's wig at Jennifer. Jennifer ducks and the wig lands on the China Dragon Waiter)**

 _ **Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnick. And I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.**_

"Except Kristi Yamaguchi is a better skater than you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Davey goes back to his asshole ways. And this bums out Whitey and Eleanor as they get ready for the banquet, with the help of the crap-licking deer. God, no. I do not want to deal with any deer licking shit. This is too much for me. While Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, a drunken Davey breaks into the mall and goes into a drunken rage.**

 _ **Davey Stone: SHUT UP! Jennifer! JENNIFER! (Walks into the mall drunkenly) What's the matter with the way I live my life? Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! Home reading your baby boy a bedtime story while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AWW, HORSESHIT!**_

"Explains this movie to a T." Sean nodded out that fact.

"Yep, T of course as in Turd." Smirked Lucas.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) All of a sudden, at the end of Davey's little rant, this happens.**

 _ **Mysterious Voice: Well, look who finally showed up. We've been waiting for you all night.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: *looking around* Who said that?**_

 _ **Foot Locker Referee (Voiced by Peter Dante): I said that. Everybody, wake up. This is not a rehearsal. Numbnuts is here!**_

Lucas immediately shakes his head and bulges his own eyes at what he sees.

"Okay, I'm either drunk from the cinnamon rum eggnog or that Foot Locker referee came to life and talked to Davey right now." Lucas replied before stating. "Okay, they're all fricking coming to life right now! How bizarre…"

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, fans. You're not seeing this. You're seeing actual products coming to life. I mean, look at this scene right here, you got Chris Farley's younger brother voicing a frickin' Panda Express panda, you have Dylan and Cole Sprouse from** _ **The Suite Life**_ **as K-B Toys soldiers, you got the voice of SpongeBob SquarePants as a Sharper Image chair, you got Shawn Hunter's dad from** _ **Boy Meets World**_ **as a frickin' walkie talkie, you got a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf cup coming to life and burning the ever-loving shit out of Davey, you have the rapping grandma from **_**The Wedding Singer**_ **as a See's Candies box, you got Tyra Banks as a hot red Victoria's Secret gown and to top it all off, Apollo Creed as the biggest GNC bottles I laid my eyes on.**

"I'll tell ya, this is like the biggest non-acid acid trip I've ever been in." Nodded Sean.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get our next song of the movie. Oh, my god! Another one!**

"I haven't heard that many songs since _The Pebble and the Penguin_!" Sean snapped at the camera.

 **(The** _ **Intervention Song**_ **starts)**

 _ **Foot Locker Man: (Sings) We all heard what happened at the skating rink today. When Whitey brought up your sad past. You snapped and walked away. Well maybe they're onto something that you should give a try. Go ahead and have yourself a cry.**_

"I should give myself a cry right now. Because this movie is torturing me with it's songs!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **K.B. Soldiers: (Sings) Let it out, Davey.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Aw, shut your wooden mugs.**_

 _ **Victoria's Secret Dress: (Sings) Let it out, Davey.**_

 _ **GNC Guy: (Sings) Would you check out her bezugs.**_

"I would rather check out Ariel Winter's bezugs." Sean said, looking depressed.

"Or perhaps Dolly Fox's, Bambi Blacks' or Katie Thornton's." Lucas added. "Trust me, I know my Scoreland knowledge. 

_**Davey Stone: (Sings) You all need to deal with pain, well "Cheers" is what I say.**_

 _ **GNC Guy: (Sings) This is stuff that numbs the pain, it don't make it go away.**_

 _ **See's Candies Box: (Sings) You try to act so tough.**_

 _ **Foot Locker Man: (Sings) But you just live a lie.**_

 _ **Victoria's Secret Dress: (Sings) Why don't you show your feminine side and have yourself a cry?**_

"Nah, I don't feel like being a woman tonight." Sean shook his head before saying. "Is it just me, or am I starting to feel much more sad than this song is making me?"

"I'm gonna have a bad feeling we'll get to that part soon enough." Lucas said, fearing the worst.

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) You labels and logos are wasting your time making me sit here. Cause nothing you can say or do will make me shed a tear.**_

 _ **Panda Express Panda: (Sings) He possesses a strong spirit and won't let down his guard.**_

 _ **Foot Locker Man: (Sings) So now we'll bring in the big gun – his beautiful Hanukkah card!**_

"Sooooo, you're gonna beat Davey up with his own Hanukkah card?" Lucas raised his eyebrow. "That hardly ever does any damage if you count a papercut. Those sting your precious—"

Lucas then suddenly gets cut off by the sound of Sean sniffling and sobbing very slowly.

"Um, you okay, Sean?" Lucas asked his friend.

"No, I'm not…" Sean shook his head. "It's… it's right here!"

 **(Davey then sees a Hanukkah card fly down on top of the mall. It turns out to be the same Hanukkah card that Davey had owned which says, "To Out Son, Davey". The card immediately opens up and it reveals a picture of Davey's late mom and dad)**

 _ **Davey's Dad: (Sings) Happy Hanukkah to our wonderful son.**_

 _ **Davey's Mom (Voiced by Ann Wilson from Heart): (Sings) You fill our lives with joy.**_

 _ **Davey's Dad and Mom: (Sings) Don't ever change the way you are, you beautiful twelve year old boy.**_

 **(The song finally ends with Davey falling down on his knees, crying from what now occurred to him)**

Sean immediately watches this scene occur and starts crying his eyes out from how sad the tune got for him to take.

"Damn it, movie. Damn it! Look what you made me do! Because of your song, you made me cry. You made me feel sorry for this guy who's the biggest asshole of the world. From the death of Littlefoot's mother in The Land Before Time to the ending of the 1979 remake of The Champ that made me cry, this one is added to the list. Thanks a lot, movie. Thanks." Sean said, grabbing a tissue and blows his nose. "I'm sorry. I have to step out for a bit and compose myself. Excuse me for a moment."

Sean gets up from off of the couch and walks out of the living room so he can stop crying.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Davey cries, this sad moment is cut short when the police arrive to arrest Davey.**

 _ **Davey Stone: I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Policeman #1: Save your sorries for the judge.**_

 **(The policemen get Davey up to arrest him. Davey quickly jumps around, grabs the second policeman and handcuffs his hands to the first policeman, putting him in a position where his crotch is on the second policeman's ass and Davey runs off)**

 _ **Policeman #1: Ohh, this is embarrassing.**_

"Oh, god. Okay, I would rather see either Cali Carter, Kali Roses, Jessa Rhodes or Cherie DeVille in a position like that. Not these two morons." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Davey is on the run from the police like Batman in Mask of the Phantasm, we cut to the banquet where Jennifer notices a husband holding the door for his family, wishing that she had a man by her side.**

 _ **Benjamin: (To Jennifer) Don't be sad, mom. I can be your date.**_

 _ **Homeless Man: You should let me be your date. I may be dirty and smelly, but in the dark, I'm just smelly.**_

"Ewww!" Sean yelled out.

"Hey, Jennifer. You could be my date to the all-star banquet." Lucas said.

"Me too." Sean raised his hand as if he too was also talking to Jennifer. "I also like long walks on the beach, smooth R&B and pack some serious heat in my you-know-where."

"Mine's bigger than his!" Shouted Lucas as he pointed to Sean.

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: Well, thank you. *points to Benjamin* But he asked first.**_

"Damn, kid…" Lucas muttered in disgust.

 **(Scene then goes to Whitey and Eleanor, whose car is trying to fit into a parking space)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Oh my god, slow down. C'mon, I'm scared. Hey, why'd we stop now? What are you doing? Wha-what's going on? Who's out there? Do we need to call the police?**_

"IF YOU JUST SHUT YOUR FRICKIN' MOUTH, WHITEY WILL TELL YA, YA FREAKY-FOOTED GOBLIN!" Sean screamed to the camera.

"Great, now I don't even know who's more irritating: Whitey or Eleanor." Shook Lucas' head.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they arrive at the banquet, the two of them are approached by a man named Eli Wolstan, voiced by Jamie Alcroft.**

"Jamie Alcroft. Why does that name sound so familiar… OH, MY GOD! THAT'S THE VOICE OF VICTOR HOFFMAN FROM THE _GEARS OF WAR_ SERIES!" Sean said. "Really, Sandler? You had to drag Victor Hoffman into your piece of shit animated movie? Have you no shame."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Turns out that Eli Wolstan was the guy who stole Eleanor's wig when he was young. So, he hands it over to her after he tells her that he felt bad for feeling so thoughtless. So, she does this to him.**

 **(Eleanor high kicks Eli right in the face, knocking him down and giving him a black eye)**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Feel better?**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: One more thing.**_

 **(Eleanor puts Eli's hand down on his crotch and puts on her old wig, tossing the new one on the Chinese Waiter's head)**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: Now I feel better.**_

 _ **Chinese Waiter: (While sporting Eleanor's new wig) At least this one make me look pretty.**_

"Alright, is it just me or does the Chinese Waiter like to dress up as a drag queen?" Sean asked.

"God, this dude is going to be one ugly lady." Lucas said.

"Yeah, there's only one ugly woman here in this world, and she's played by Jamie Foxx on _In Living Color_. Hell, I would rather watch that show rather than sit here and torture myself from watching it." Sean said.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So while everyone's at the banquet and such, Davey Stone decides to hitch town right away by getting a bus, thanks to old snappy bus driver.**

 _ **Old Bus Driver: *to Davey* Goin' to the Big Apple, son?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Yeah.**_

 _ **Old Bus Driver: Business or pleasure?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Uh, freedom.**_

 _ **Old Bus Driver: Oh, I see, you're one of those hippy-dippy fellas.**_

"Did we forget to mention to you that he's also a menace to society and a sex hound to cars too?" Lucas asked the bus driver.

"If he asked me that question, I'd choose pleasure all the way." Sean added. "But never I would want to hump a car myself."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So while Davey's trying to get the hell out of dodge, Mayor Stuey Duhy starts off the banquet like he would usually do. Being the most unfunniest piece of crap there ever is. Here's why.**

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: Now, everyone knows I like to start these events with a joke. However, I've been so darned busy at the hardware store this year, I haven't had much time to come up with a great one. But I did think of this at the drive over. Knock knock.**_

 _ **Guests: Who's there?**_

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: Dontcha.**_

 _ **Guests: Dontcha who?**_

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: Dontcha wish I haven't been so darned busy at the hardware store this year, and had more time to come up with a great one?**_

Sean and Lucas started to look very unimpressed by that joke so much, that all they heard was the sound of crickets of the background.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker**_ **is shown**

 **** _ **The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): That's not funny. That's not….**_

 **(The Joker collapses to the floor and dies)**

"To quote the Nostalgia Critic when he reviewed _Super Mario Bros_.: "Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY!" I mean, my god. Do these people think that this joke is funny?" Sean asked.

 **(We cut back to the film, where we see that the Mayor's joke sends off a trigger of laughs, maybe just too much. Whitey climbs on the table in a fit of small laughter, while the coach from the flashback dances in the aisle. The kids at Whitey and Eleanor's table are laughing so hard snot comes out of their noses, but they're laughing at Eleanor's dancing. Next, we see the deer laughing so hard, poop flies out of their butts like machine guns firing)**

"Alright, come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here." Sean said as he proceeds to grab the camera and starts punching it in a fit of rage. "IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT'S NOT FUNNY! Gross-out humor is not funny, you sick fuck!"

 _ **Benjamin: (Confused) Mom, I didn't get that one.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Davey is on a bus and is about to make a clean getaway from the town, until….**

 **(A popping noise is heard as all of the bus tires go flat)**

We cut back to Sean and Lucas as we see Sean holding a Dragunov SVD sniper rifle with a silencer attached to it.

"Damn! Missed him! Hold on, maybe I can get him so he won't get away. Maybe I'll hit him in the head." Sean said.

 _ **Davey Stone: Nice driving skills, pal.**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, well it turns out the bus came to a halt due to a thumbtack, I'm not serious, something so tiny like a freaky-deeky thumbtack stopped something that weighed more than 1,200 pounds. However, the big menorah around the frozen pond soon lights up, turning out to be the sign Davey needed in order to go back and fix everything right.**

 _ **Davey Stone: Ok, I see what you're doing…**_

 _ **Old Bus Driver: *to Davey* Who are you talking to there? Having one of them hippy-dippy mushroom flashbacks?**_

"Yeah, he wants to go smoke pot." Lucas nodded sarcastically before saying. "Of course not, he wants to apologize to the old fart. What frickin' else?!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So our favorite little D-bag goes right to the community center to mend ways with Whitey, but however, the deer he runs into ain't having any of it.**

 _ **Davey Stone: Just here to say "I'm sorry" to the little guy, fellas. I swear.**_

 **(The deer don't look too amused as they soon approach him)**

 _ **Davey Stone: If I give myself a wedgie, will you believe me then?**_

 **(The deer immediately nods in approval. Davey then reaches for his underwear and tries to reach it over his head, but fails as his underwear breaks through the elastic, knocking him down)**

"Damn, that's gotta be very long frickin' underwear he's wearing under there." Sean gulped in amazement.

"I tried doing that one to myself, but I ended up hurting my crack in the process." Lucas groaned.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Despite having his underwear broken, he wins the trust of the fellow deer who decide to cover for him just in time for the cops to flash their light toward the deer doing a pyramid.**

 _ **Cop 1: You see something?**_

 _ **Cop 2: Just some deer doing a pyramid.**_

 _ **Cop 1: Okay, well let's keep looking.**_

 **(The deer are unable to maintain their balance as they fall down onto the snow)**

"Okay, even though I found it disgusting of them to lick poop and ice off an old man in the middle of the movie, I gotta admit that was impressive." Sean nodded to Lucas.

Lucas shook his head with a cringe and said. "Please don't remind me of that part about the ice-licking scene. Everything I think about it, my stomach starts churning."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that little cover-up, it's all time for the moment of truth as we now find out who wins the "Dukesberry All-Star" patch award.**

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: Handpicked by you, the people of our fine town, I now present the 35**_ _ **th**_ _ **annual Dukesberry All-Star patch away to…**_

 **(The drumroll starts to begin in the background forcing both Lucas and Sean to imitate the drumroll going on)**

"Oh boy, who's gonna win?" Lucas asked Sean again.

"Hopefully Whitey if he can manage to shut the hell up and not brag about that victory to us." Groaned Sean as he rolled his eyes.

 **(After the drumroll ends, Mayor Stuey Duhy finally announces the winner's name)**

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: Tom Balthezor! Tom, come up here and get this sucker.**_

Lucas and Sean immediately go silent hearing this with their mouths agape.

The silence immediately goes on for a good 15 seconds before Lucas utters out in shock. "That guy? It was… that guy who won?"

"I don't have no frickin' clue who that guy even is!" Sean shouted out.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Unfortunately, Whitey doesn't win the patch. Some unknown assbag named Tom Balthezor wins the patch instead. Tom of course is voiced by another** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **alumnist, Jon Lovitz. Chances are if you grew up in the 1990's, he was also best known for voicing Jay Sherman in the cult 90's cartoon** _ **The Critic**_ **, which ran for three seasons and lasted around 33 episodes. 23 of course were aired on both ABC and Fox while the other 10 were made exclusively for the websites AtomFilms and Shockwave. Can't believe I missed so much from this show.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Feeling sad and defeated, Whitey ends up leaving the ceremony, which looking at it now, I kinda feel sad for him because he waited 35 years to win this son of a bitch. While he leaves though, Eleanor decided to give some parting words of her own.**

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *shouts to everyone* All you people can bite my germ-free booty!**_

 __"Ugh, no thanks! I rather bite Alexis Texas' booty instead." Sean shook his head to the camera.

"No offense Eleanor, but yours is off limits!" Lucas pointed to the camera too as if he was talking to Eleanor.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) As soon Whitey leaves, lamebag Tom starts making his little victory speech. I wonder what he's got on his mind that I don't want to hear?**

 _ **Tom Balthezor (Voiced by Jon Lovitz): When I was a kid playing youth league ball for Palmer Episcopal, I dreamed of two things: Learning how to make a lay-up with my left hand and becoming a multi-billionaire. I think you all know which dream came true.**_

 **(Tom pulls out a hook from his right arm, therefore scaring and surprising both Lucas and Sean out of their seats)**

"Oh my balls!" Sean shrieked a bit.

"What the hell happened to his hand?" Lucas asked Sean yet again.

"I don't know." Sean shnrugged before saying. "I said that because I think I accidentally sat on my sack!"

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Well, knowing that I don't want to see Tom talk any further, I'm skipping to the part where Davey finally steps in and speaks out in front of Tom's little victory party.**

 _ **Davey Stone: Excuse me, can I just say something?**_

 **(The cops enter the community center)**

 _ **Policeman #1: There he is.**_

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: *to Davey* Stone, what are you doing here?**_

 _ **Policeman #1: *to the Mayor* Getting himself arrested, Mayor Duhy, because he broke into the mall!**_

 _ **Chinese Waiter: I love it! *to Davey* Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!**_

"Oh no, Davey's gonna get his soap dropped now, ain't he?" Lucas gulped nervously.

"I'm praying to the big man above he get his hole stitched shut before he goes to prison." Sean said, making a "Hail Mary" hand signal.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luckily for Davey, he doesn't get the chance to go to prison just yet because our favorite hot MILF Jennifer manages to save Davey's butt and urges everyone to let Davey speak out.**

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: Let the guy talk! After all, it is the holidays.**_

 _ **Miss Selman: She's right. And then we'll send him up the river.**_

 **(A shot of an old cowboy is seen celebrating by shooting his gun blanks)**

"Hey, beanbag. You got the wrong set." Lucas said to the cowboy.

"Yeah, they're doing Red Dead Redemption II auditions next door." Sean replied to the cowboy too. "I hear they're holding roles for the first cowboy who dies in that game.

 **(Scene switches to Davey talking to the rest of the attendees)**

 _ **Davey Stone: *to everybody* I know you people don't like me, and I know you don't care about my opinion, but here goes. *to Tom* Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey Duvall should've won the patch and you people are crazy for not realizing that.**_

 _ **Tom Balthezor: *to Davey* Why would we give Whitey Duvall the patch tonight? So he can use it as a blanket?**_

"Oh screw you, Tom. That wasn't even frickin' funny!" Lucas snapped angrily at Tom before saying. "Whitey just lost the patch and you had the courtesy to make that insulting not-funny joke in front of Davey's face. Disgusting!"

"I agree with Lucas right here." Sean nodded to his friend before looking at the camera. "Sure I may not like Whitey because his voice was annoying like a gnat buzzing through a blowing airhorn, but at least he was dedicated to what he wanted to achieve what he couldn't get. By the way, Tom, how would YOU feel if everyone made fun of that stupid-ass hook in your hand? You wouldn't be laughing if The Rock did THIS to you, huh? Not also would he rip that hook off your hand, but let The Rock tell you what he plans to do with you next."

 **(A clip of** _ **WWE Monday Night Raw**_ **from August 9, 1999 is shown of The Rock talking to Chris Jericho, but Chris' face is replaced with Tom Balthezor's head instead)**

 _ **The Rock: *to Tom/Chris* Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which… which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before they could arrest Davey, he has to you guessed it, sing about it.**

 **(The song** _ **Bum Biddy**_ **starts)**

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey, that through basketball or the mall or various odd jobs he does around town for free or a most a dollar!**_

"Oh, great. We get another song. I hope that this is the last song in the movie. I've had enough songs." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And you know what else is funny? The whole town starts singing about how great Whitey is.**

 _ **Chinese Waiter: (Sings) How could you be all so mean to Whitey? Seems to me you are all on crack.**_

"I think this whole town is on crack." Sean said, rubbing his temples.

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: (Sings) Tonight Whitey was counting on this town. To show him that we car-are. But the first time he really needed us. We weren't there!**_

 _ **Benjamin: (Sings) And on Christmas eve and the last night of Chanukah!**_

 _ **Davey Stone: (Sings) It's just not fair!**_

 **(Policeman #2 starts dancing in the aisles)**

 _ **Policeman #2: (Sings) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum, Bum biddy biddy biddy bum.**_

 **(The Chinese Waiter joins him)**

 _ **Chinese Waiter: (Sings) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum. Bum biddy biddy biddy bum.**_

"Uh, they did they run out of ideas for lyrics. Real creative, guys. Real creative." Sean said sarcastically.

 _ **Davey Stone: *sings to Tom* I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong haaaaaaand…?**_

 _ **Tom Balthezor: *looks at his hook* Yes…**_

"Ew, we also didn't need to know that, Tom!" Sean groaned, looking a little grossed out by Tom's confession.

Lucas then shuddered as he said. "It's so gross that even Captain Cold right beside me doesn't want to hear it either. What do you think, Cold?"

 **(A clip of** _ **Injustice 2**_ **is playing showing Captain Cold looking very disgusted)**

 _ **Captain Cold: Ugggh! TMI.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Whitey is depressed about not winning the patch award, so he goes to the mall to make himself feel better until Davey and the whole town arrives to meet up with him.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: What do you want, Stone?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: I came to apologize, Whitey.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Well, there's nothing to apologize for, Stone, because you were right. Nobody does care about me.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: I don't think that's true. Do you, Mr. Mayor?**_

 _ **Mayor Stuey Duhy: Whitey, tonight for the first time in years, your partner, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community.**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: What he do, steal beer for everyone?**_

"Well, yeah. Davey stole a beer for me and Lucas and we're gonna get drunk so we won't hear your annoying voices ever again." Sean said. "Lady, I think Penn Jillette has something to say to you. Penn, take it over."

 **(A clip from** _ **Penn & Teller: Bullshit!**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Penn Jillette: You need to shut the fuck up!**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Everybody arrives and the whole town starts singing and Whitey is awarded the patch award and the townspeople start throwing down their patches at him.**

 _ **Whitey Duvall: You stepped up for me, Stone. I don't know if I could ever repay you.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Well, you can help me with my dream.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: You got a dream? What is it?**_

 _ **Davey Stone: To have someone wish me a happy Chanukah and feel as good as I used to when my dad would say it to me.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Happy Chanukah, Stone.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Merry Christmas, Whitey.**_

 **(Whitey and Davey hug)**

 _ **Townspeople: Awww…**_

"Ohhhh, shut up!" Sean shouted to the people before muttering. "Thank goodness we're almost to the end of the damn movie…"

"I know, I wanna go to the strip club down the street later on." Lucas nodded before sipping on more eggnog.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: You know Stone, if my imaginary wife and I ever have a son, I hope to consider him a brother.**_

 _ **Davey Stone: Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend I never heard you say that.**_

 _ **Whitey Duvall: Appreciate it.**_

 _ **Townspeople: (Sings) It's your moment, Whitey. Enjoy, our tiny friend. Like the Bavarian cream-filled donut you ate last week…**_

"AGGGGGH! WHEN IN THE HECK IS THE SINGING EVER GONNA FRICKIN' STOP?!" Sean said, rubbing his temples in a much more violent manner.

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey and Jennifer* Would you three show Whitey and I how to light the Hanukkah candles on our house tonight?**_

 _ **Jennifer Friedman: *to Benjamin* You up for that, pal?**_

 _ **Eleanor Duvall: *to Davey and Jennifer again* And when Benjamin falls asleep, the both of you can play "Spin The Dreidel" for tongue kisses.**_

 _ **Davey Stone *looks at Jennifer* Sounds good to me.**_

"No, no, no. Me and Sean gets dibs first. You just wait your turn." Lucas said to Davey.

"Once we get done tapping that hot MILF ass, you can have her all you want!" Sean said to Davey also.

 _ **Whitey Duvall: *finishes singing* I never want this to eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend…!**_

"WELL, I FRICKIN' DO!" Sean shouted in anger.

Lucas then patted Sean on the back and said. "Settle down, my friend. We need to know how Whitey feels after he got his patch. Whitey, how are you feeling?"

 _ **Whitey Duvall: This is the happiest seizure of my life!**_

"Well, Halle-Frickin'-Lujah, because this movie is finally frickin' over!" Sean shouted, rolling his eyes loudly.

"Yep, everyone got their happy ending and now I'm all out of eggnog." Lucas smirked. "Sean, how did it feel now that you watched this atrocity?"

"Oh, my god. This was torture! But you know what, I did it. I sat through this atrocity. And you know what baffles me the most? That this film had four writers. It took four writers to write the screenplay for this movie." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not only that, but this is one of the worst holiday movies I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen worse. (Coughs)** _ **Christmas With the Kranks**_ **! (Coughs once more) I cannot comprehend at how unfunny this film is, not to mention Sandler's voice acting is the worse. But don't worry, at least there's** _ **Hotel Transylvania**_ **. How many Jewish people were offended from watching this movie? Can you imagine Adam Sandler doing a Kwanzaa movie, that would be offensive. But the only good point about this movie is the animation. As much as I bitch about this film, the animation is surprisingly good.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And despite Whitey pretty much having our ears bleed from his singing, I wouldn't be lying if the soundtrack was kinda impressive itself. I mean, Alison Krauss as Jennifer's singing voice was worth tolerating, the songs of course surprisingly mesh well, but to be honest, Adam Sandler should not have to sing. Well, except on one occasion where a new version of** _ **The Chanukah Song**_ **is playing on the end credits, but even with all that singing, Whitey's friggin' seizures, crap-eating deer and whatnot, it wasn't enough to even save this film. If you're an Adam Sandler fan and you enjoy the most ungodly unfunny humor like this coming from him, then this movie may be worth it for you as a guilty pleasure. But for Sean here, he lost a lot of pounds thanks to those damn deer. And this image of this Doritos bag filled with nothing more than egg-nog induced vomit best describes how this movie feels.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) My god, I do not want to go through that kind of horror again. That's why** _ **Eight Crazy Nights**_ **is getting 2 dreidels out of 5. Screw this movie.**

"Thanks for joining me for this review, Lucas. I know that a lot of people had to deal with the pain I'm going through from watching this movie." Sean said.

"No problem." Lucas nodded before telling Sean. "I'm never seeing poop-eating deer AGAIN."

"Amen to that." Sean nodded as he said to the camera. "Until next time, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and good frickin' riddance. Wanna hit the strip club?"

"Hell yeah, my friend!" Lucas spoke, high-fiving Sean while they both left out of the house to go to the strip club down the street.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Technical foul!**_

 **And that was it for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of** _ **Eight Crazy Nights**_ **. Shout-out and a big special thanks to UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing this story. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, there are three Christmas movies that I'm trying to pick out. Which one should I review? Here are the two movies.**

 _ **Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July**_ **: A crossover movie between two of our favorite Christmas characters… with a stupid plot and some crazy storyline. Will Sean be able to get through Rankin/Bass' Christmas movie that was made for television?**

 _ **Santa's Slay**_ **: A hilarious horror-comedy about a demonic Santa wrecking havoc during Christmas. And Santa is played by Goldberg from WWE! Add James Caan and Robert Culp in the movie and you got yourself the greatest Christmas movie ever!**

 _ **Scrooged**_ **: Sean reviews Richard Donner's hilarious modern take of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol starring Bill Murray.**

 **Which one should I review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Everybody, have a safe and a Merry Christmas! Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	49. Episode Forty-Five: Scrooged

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope you all had a great Christmas, I know I sure had an awesome Christmas. I went to see the movie** _ **Aquaman**_ **yesterday. Anyway, today Sean the Mayhem Critic finishes up December with a Christmas movie by taking a look at the 1988 Christmas comedy** _ **Scrooged**_ **to see how well this movie holds up in 30 years. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **Scrooged**_ **is owned by Paramount Pictures.**

 **Episode Forty-Five**

 **Scrooged**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said to the camera in his usual cheery, energetic self. "Well, Christmas is over. Santa has come and I haven't gotten the Christmas blues. I've waited 12 months, weeks upon weeks of hoping for the world's greatest gift, and what did I get? A new HP laptop with a touchscreen, the complete series of _Batman: The Animated Series_ on Blu-Ray, the Predator film collection, a new Casio watch, the complete series of _Murder, She Wrote_ , _Battlefield V_ on the PlayStation 4 and _Mega Man 11_ for the Xbox One."

 **(A clip from** _ **The Batman/Superman Movie: World's Finest**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Look at all the toys! Santa's been good to you.**_

"Hey, I've been a really good boy this year. Anyway, let's talk about Charles Dickens' immortal classic _A Christmas Carol_." Sean said.

 **(The cover of the book is shown as well as clips from many film adaptations based on the book)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We all know the classic holiday tale about an old bitter miser named Ebenezer Scrooge, who gets visited by three ghosts to change the error of his ways. Over the years, there been countless adaptations based on the book. Film adaptations, of course. And I mean a lot of film adaptations. I have a few adaptations that are my favorites: like the 1984 version with the late George C. Scott,** _ **A Muppets Christmas Carol**_ **and the 2009 animated version directed by Robert Zemeckis and starring Jim Carrey.**

"But my number one favorite adaptation of _A Christmas Carol_ would have to be the 1988 comedy _Scrooged_." Sean said.

 **(The title for the movie "Scrooged" is shown as well as clips from the film while Annie Lennox and Al Green's rendition of** _ **Put a Love in Your Heart**_ **plays in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 23** **rd** **, 1988 and directed by** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **director Richard Donner and starring comedy great Bill Murray. The film is a modern retelling of Dickens'** _ **A Christmas Carol.**_ **The movie was filmed on a $32 million budget over three months in Hollywood and Murray returned to acting after taking a 4-year hiatus following the release of** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **, still one of the best films from Bill Murray. Yeah, that's right! I said it. So, in** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **, you have Bill Murray busting ghosts along with Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis. In this one, you have three ghosts haunting Bill Murray.**

"Now, does this film hold up in 30 years? Well, let's not try to get beaten up by Carol Kane. This is _Scrooged_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our film opens up with the movie flying past the Paramount Pictures logo until we arrive at the North Pole, where we see Santa and his elves working in his workshop working on some toys and getting ready for his big night until…**

 _ **Santa Claus (Played by Al 'Red Dog' Weber): Incoming! Take cover!**_

 **(Somebody fires a rocket at Santa's workshop)**

"Dude!" Sean said with a surprised look on his face.

 **(A bunch of armed gunmen fire at Santa's workshop with automatic weapons)**

 _ **Mrs. Claus (Played by the late Jean Speegle Howard): Let's get them!**_

 **(The psychos continue to fire at Santa's workshop while Santa, Mrs. Claus and his elves grab some M16 machine guns)**

"What the hell? What is going on here?" Sean asked.

 **(A man appears on a snowmobile, armed with a minigun, revealing himself to be Lee Majors)**

 _ **Santa Claus: It's Lee Majors! The Six-Million Dollar man!**_

 _ **Lee Majors: Santa, is there a back way out of this place?**_

 _ **Santa Claus: Of course there is, Lee. But this is one Santa that's going out the front door.**_

"Okay, what just happened here? Did I just see some armed gunmen fire rockets at Santa's workshop and start shooting at them while Santa, his wife and his elves grab some machine guns while Lee Majors appears from out of nowhere and he armed with a minigun and starts blasting bad guys away like he's friggin' Jesse "The Body" Ventura from _Predator_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Predator**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Blaine (Played by Jesse Ventura): I ain't got time to bleed.**_

"What is this movie and when can I see it?" Sean asked.

 _ **Announcer: 7:00. Psychos seize Santa's workshop.**_

 _ **Lee Majors: Eat this.**_

 _ **Announcer: And only Lee Majors can stop them. The Night The Reindeer Died.**_

" _The Night the Reindeer Died_. That sounds like an awesome film, I don't care how cheesy this movie is but I'm watching it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually it turns out to be promos for fictional Christmas programming for IBC Television. We're introduced to the main character of film Frank Cross, played by Bill Murray. We see that Frank is the president of IBC and we also see that he's, well, an actual Scrooge here. Frank is sitting in his office with a bunch of other network executives to go over some promos for the network and they end up watching the Scrooge promo.**

 _ **Announcer: 10:00, IBC presents live, via satellite, from New York, Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin, and the Great Barrier Reef, Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic, Scrooge. Starring Buddy Hackett, Jamie Farr, the Solid Gold Dancers, and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.**_

"Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim? Where the hell did they get former American gymnast Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim? I get that she's a short stack of pancakes by why her?" Sean asked.

 _ **Announcer: Hosted by Sir John Houseman.**_

 _ **Sir John Houseman: Bah! Humbug!**_

"I guess that was before John Houseman died on October of 1988." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After watching that promo, Frank didn't care for it so he plays the second promo for** _ **Scrooge**_ **and… just watch.**

 _ **Announcer: Acid rain. Drug addiction. International terrorism. Freeway killers. Now, more than ever…**_

 _ **Frank Cross (Played by Bill Murray): It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.**_

 _ **Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, Scrooge. Your life might just depend on it.**_

 **(A mushroom cloud is shown after the title "Scrooge" explodes)**

 _ **Frank Cross: Not bad, huh?**_

Sean almost chokes on his hot chocolate from watching the second promo for Scrooge. "Jesus Christ, dude. Are you trying to kill people with that promo?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After showing that promo to the executives, one of the executives named Eliot Loudermilk, played by Bobcat Goldthwait, ends up disagreeing with Frank about the Scrooge promo.**

 _ **Eliot Loudermilk (Played by Bobcat Goldthwait): You can't show that commercial. You run that, you're gonna… you're gonna frighten people.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: You think I'm way off base here?**_

 _ **Eliot Loudermilk: Yes. You're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like the Manson Family Christmas special.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Well, it's a little late to get this kind of feedback!**_

"Rule #1: Don't get him mad." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because of him giving his honest opinion to him, Cross ends up firing the poor guy. Wait a minute, he ends up firing the guy just because he gave him his honest opinion about the promo? Geez, what a dick. We're also introduced to the female African-American version of Bob Cratchit named Grace Cooley, played by Emmy and Golden Globe winner Alfre Woodard from Netflix's** _ **Luke Cage**_ **, as she helps Frank out with a list of people to send out cheap IBC-monogrammed towels to some people and some are getting VHS players. One of the people on the list that are getting a towel is Frank's own brother James.**

 _ **Grace Cooley (Played by Alfre Woodard): Your only brother.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Oh, God. Grace, give it to me.**_

 **(Grace hands Frank the list)**

 _ **Frank Cross: Get that! Towel, towel.**_

"Who in their right mind gives their own brother a towel? Shouldn't you give your brother a VHS player instead of a cheap towel, you ungrateful prick?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Frank's baby brother isn't the only one getting screwed over by him, he ends up screwing over his secretary Grace by giving her a towel instead of a bonus.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Towel and a face cloth.**_

 _ **Grace Cooley: Aw, shi…**_

 **(The door opens)**

Sean chuckles a bit. "Okay, I just love how they just cut her off right when she's about to say a curse word in a PG-rated film, wait I mean a PG-13-rated film."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Grace gets cut off when Frank's boss Preston Rhinelander, played by the late Robert Mitchum comes to see him about the program and I swear every time his eyes widen, I can make a meme out of that. It's just too hilarious. Plus, he has some of the most weirdest ideas involving animals.**

 _ **Preston Rhinelander (Played by the late Robert Mitchum): I have a study here a study from Hempstead University which shows us cats and dogs are beginning to watch television. Now, if these scientists are right, we should start programming right now. Within 20 years, they could become steady viewers.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Programming for cats?**_

"The last time I had my cat watching television, she tried to attack the TV right while we were watching _Tom & Jerry_ after she saw Tom the cat and started hissing at him. Also, they have something for dogs, it's called Dog TV." Sean said. "Trust me, I know."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Preston wants to make sure that Frank oversees the production of Scrooge, and then this guy shows up after Preston leaves. Meet Brice Cummings, played by John Glover, a guy who annoys the hell out of Frank. He's from L.A. and he's here to provide assistance in the production. So, after he has a run-in with Brice, Grace is about to take her son to the doctor but Frank tells her that she's working late and we get one of my favorite lines from the film.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Grace, when I work late, you work late.**_

 _ **Grace Cooley: But I made the appointment two months ago!**_

 _ **Frank Cross: I care! We're indivisible! If I'm working late, you got to work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I can't work late!**_

"Man, I'm really starting to hate this guy." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that, Frank gets a visit from his brother James, played by Bill Murray's real-life brother John Murray and the two start talking about Frank's Christmas spirit.**

 _ **James Cross (Played by John Murray): Frank, you don't like Christmas much, do you?**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Like it? I love it! It's cold and people stay home and watch television. Ad revenues go up 30%. All these idiots are going to watch the boob tube tonight. I am the biggest fan of Christmas ever had.**_

 _ **James Cross: Any chance you'll maybe make Christmas dinner this year?**_

 _ **Frank Cross: None.**_

 _ **James Cross: Come on. Why not?**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Don't start, James.**_

"Like I told you before. You were in that shitty movie _Moving Violations_ with Jennifer Tilly, our brother Joel was in _God Bless America_ with that cutie Tara Lynne Barr from that Hulu show _Casual_ , our brother Brian was in _Ghostbusters II_ and _Groundhog Day_. Hell, I was in _Hamlet_ and got shot in the eye by Ethan Hawke, so you shut the fuck up." Sean said, imitating Frank Cross.

"Never liked that take on _Hamlet_ , BTW." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and before I forget, he steals a cab from an old lady.**

 _ **Old Lady: (After Frank steals her cab) Oh, sir, please. I….**_

 **(Frank flips off the old lady)**

 _ **Old Lady: You son of a bitch! You should burn in Hell.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Bye-bye, grandma.**_

 _ **Old Lady: Oh, you!**_

"Haha. Stealing cabs from the elderly. That's funny." Sean laughed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see our Scrooge winning the Humanitarian Award and leaving it in the cab. And while he's alone in his office and fixing himself something to drink, he gets a visit from somebody from the past.**

 **(The door to Frank's office, revealing the zombified corpse of a man from Frank's past)**

 _ **Lew Hayward (Played by the late John Forsythe): Whoo-wee! That was a good one. How are you kid? Will you, uh… Will you excuse me? I'll make myself a little drink.**_

 **(Frank starts shooting at the undead man)**

 _ **Frank Cross: (While shooting at Lew) Bang-o, bang-o, bang-o! Boom-ba! Ba-bang, ba-bang! Blam!**_

"Dude, seriously? Haven't you ever watched any zombie movies lately. Just simply aim for the head. You don't start shooting wildly like the bad guys from _Batman: The Animated Series_. It just proves that you have terrible marksmanship like them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out this guy is the ghost of Frank's mentor Lew Hayward, played by John Forysthe. He's the Jacob Marley version of the film. And we all know what's going to happen.**

 _ **Lew Hayward: Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble.**_

"You're going to star in the film version of _Charlie's Angels_. Look at your future. You're going to be in two _Garfield_ movies that the Nostalgia Critic is going to review. You're going to have a cameo in Paul Feig's _Ghostbusters_ in 2016, your future is gonna suck." Sean said, imitating Lew Hayward.

 _ **Lew Hayward: If you don't change your ways, you're going to wind up doomed just as I am.**_

"Having Grant Show from _Melrose Place_ playing Blake Carrington in the _Dynasty_ reboot? Is that what doomed you?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lew tells Frank that he's going to be visited by three ghosts and that the first ghost will visit him tomorrow at noon to help Frank avoid the same fate as him. Before Lew vanishes he dials up an old flame of Frank's named Claire Phillips. The next day, one of the network execs named Ted, played by Mary Ellen Trainor, shows Frank an article regarding the Scrooge promo, which killed an 80-year-old grandmother. And here's how Frank reacted.**

 _ **Frank Cross: (After reading the article) This is terrific! I knew that ad worked. You can't buy publicity like this.**_

"Jesus, how mean-spirited could this movie get?" Sean asked. "This dude finds death amusing."

"He'll get his." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So aside from his Scrooge promo literally scaring an elderly woman to death, we cut to Frank overseeing the production of Scrooge until the network censor, played by Kate McGregor-Stewart, has some problems with the program regarding the performer's outfit.**

 _ **Lady Censor (Played by Kate McGregor-Stewart): I am the censor. I will not allow this costume on the air.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Why not?**_

 _ **Lady Censor: Well, specifically you can see her nipples.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples!**_

 _ **Lady Censor: But this is a Christmas show!**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples then!**_

"Okay, who wants to see that chick's nipples? Raise your hand." Sean said as he raised his hand.

 **(We cut to Brian, Dave, Adam, Rob, Lucas and other Internet critics like Airunato from The Classic Critic, Decker Shado, The Unusual Suspect and FilmMasterAdam raising their hands in response)**

"There, everybody wants to see her nipples. And you're the one to talk, lady. Because the shows we watch right now have the words "Asshole", "Shit" and "Fuck" unbleeped and we can show nudity on those shows. My, my. The times have changed." Sean said.

"He's right." Brian said.

 _ **Carpenter (Played by Jack McGee): You can… you can hardly see them nipples.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: See? And these guys are really looking! You can go shake a tail feather. Thanks. And thank you, you can just go. Oh, watch out.**_

 **(Frank ducks down as one of the carpenter's knock out the Lady Censor as the words "K.O" from** _ **Street Fighter IV**_ **pop up on the screen)**

 _ **Street Fighter Announcer: K.O!**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Thanks, boys. Get the nurse.**_

"Well, somebody doesn't want his fun ruined." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After hearing somebody call him "Lumpy", Frank sees that it was his lost love from his past Claire Phillips, played by Marion Ravenwood herself Karen Allen. Claire has come to visit Frank and to talk to him after she gets his message.**

 _ **Claire Phillips (Played by Karen Allen): You sounded like you'd seen a ghost.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: A ghost? You mean the phone call last night? I came across your number and I just had to call you immediately.**_

 _ **Claire Phillips: I know you, Lumpy. I know that voice. That was the frightened Lumpy I heard.**_

"That was the frightened Lumpy you heard? I believe the sound you heard was this." Sean pointed to his left.

 **(A clip from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **is shown as we see Marion nailing Indy in the chin with a double-sided mirror and Indy lets out a loud howl)**

 _ **Mouse Wrangler (Played by Ralph Gervais): (On the mouse) I can't get the antlers glued onto this little guy. We've tried crazy glue but it don't work.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Have you tried staples?**_

 _ **Mouse Wrangler: Staples?**_

 _ **Claire Phillips: Don't you dare.**_

Sean chuckles a bit. "That my initial reaction to someone liking _Total Dramarama_."

 **Disclaimer: I do not hate** _ **Total Dramarama**_ **. As much as I like the** _ **Total Drama**_ **series, I like watching this one as well. I mean, come on. The** _ **Total Drama**_ **characters as toddlers, it's freaking adorable. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, right when Frank and Claire are busy talking, Frank spots a little intruder and tries to threaten him.**

 _ **Frank Cross: (Grabs Calvin) How did you get in here? Well, maybe you'll answer some questions downtown. Huh, my friend.**_

 _ **Grace Cooley: What the hell is going on? This is my little boy.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Alright, you beat him.**_

"Dude, what the fuck?" Sean asked. "Aside from finding the death of an elderly lady, this dude wants to hit this little boy. Boy, this movie is mean-spirited."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, this is Grace's son Calvin, played by Nicholas Phillips, and we'll get to know more about him later on in the film. Claire and Frank continue to talk to each other and Claire tells Frank that she's not married and that she doesn't have ki…**

 **(Somebody is hammering in the distance)**

"Would you please hold the goddamn hammering? I'm trying to do a review here." Sean said, looking away from the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Where was I? Claire doesn't have any kids or she's married, so yeah pretty much that these two are going to get together at the end…**

 **(The hammering continues)**

"Would you please hold the goddamn hammering?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before Claire leaves, she gives Frank her card at the homeless shelter where she works. And Frank gets a call from The Times, regarding the death of the….**

 **(The hammering continues)**

"Oh, for the love of… Would you please hold the motherfucking hammering!" Sean yelled to his right.

 **(One of the crew members stop hammering, causing the set to fall apart)**

 _ **Lady Censor: Oh, shit!**_

 **(One of the set pieces fall on the Lady Censor)**

"Oops. So, who's up for lunch? I'm starving. I'm about to head down to White Castle. I'll be right back." Sean said as he got up from off of the couch and heads out of the house.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that disaster on set, Frank meets his boss Preston for lunch as he gives him an update on the production of Scrooge, but Preston sees the stress that Frank's been under so he hired Brice Cummings to work with Frank, which doesn't sit well for Frank.**

 _ **Brice Cummings (Played by John Glover): My only function here is to take some of the burden off your shoulders. A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat. It's only natural. (His beeper goes off) That's me!**_

"I think I got a phone call from Joe Dante and Steven Spielberg to star in the _Gremlins_ sequel. I need to take that call." Sean said, imitating Brice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Frank remembers Lew's warning about him being visited by three ghosts and that the first ghost comes to visit him at noon. So, while Brice is busy talking, Frank just ends up freaking out. And when he gets his drink, he starts freaking out some more.**

 **(Frank sees an eyeball in his drink)**

 _ **Frank Cross: (Screams) Bob—Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!**_

 **(Preston, Brice and the headwaiter look at Frank)**

 _ **Headwaiter (Played by the late Tony Steedman): I'm terribly sorry. I…**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Are you him? Are you him?**_

 _ **Headwaiter: Are you he?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Rush Hour 3**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Master Yu (Played by Henry O): Yes, I am Yu.**_

 _ **Carter (Played by Chris Tucker): Just answer the damn questions, who are you?**_

 _ **Master Yu: I have told you.**_

 _ **Carter: Are you deaf?**_

 _ **Master Yu: No. You is blind.**_

 _ **Carter: I'm not blind, you blind.**_

 _ **Master Yu: That is what I just said.**_

 _ **Carter: You just said what?**_

 _ **Master Yu: I did not say "what", I said Yu.**_

 _ **Carter: That's what I'm asking you!**_

 _ **Master Yu: And Yu is answering.**_

 _ **Carter: Shut up! (Points at one of the students) You.**_

 _ **Master Yu: Yes?**_

 _ **Carter: Not you, him!**_

"Okay, I think this dude had enough to drink. Just take the drink away. He's seeing things." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Frank freaks out some more when he thinks he sees some guy on fire after lighting a baked Alaska, in which the guy is not. Frank keeps freaking out in front of Preston and Brice and decides to step out for air, but not before throwing water on the waiter who's not on fire.**

 _ **Frank Cross: I'm sorry. You know, I thought you were Richard Pryor.**_

"Dude, you must be colorblind because this guy is white and Richard Pryor is black." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After his freakout at lunch, Frank steps outside and catches a cab and the cab driver goes all** _ **Crazy Taxi**_ **on his ass.**

 **(Music from** _ **Crazy Taxi**_ **plays while the taxi driver starts driving)**

 **Sean: (as Crazy Taxi Announcer) Hey, hey! Come on over, have some fun with Crazy Taxi. It's time to make some of that crazy money. Are ya ready? Here we go! You gotta get your Scrooge to his destination in under 5 crazy minutes. Make sure you do some reckless driving and destroy some property for extra points.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Wrong way, jerk! Nice hit back there! Solid hit!**_

 **Sean: (as Crazy Taxi Announcer) Don't forget to drive the wrong way and scare the shit out of your passenger**

"I cannot believe that I made a _Crazy Taxi_ parody in 2018." Sean started laughing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that this crazy taxi driver happens to be the first ghost visiting Frank. The Ghost of Christmas Past, he's played by David Johansen. He takes Frank to the past and to his childhood home.**

 _ **Frank Cross: This is where I grew up. I thought they tore this place down.**_

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Past (Played by David Johansen): They did.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Guess my dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights yet.**_

"Guess his family doesn't like Christmas. Or the fact that his dad doesn't want to end up like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor from _Home Improvement_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frank and the Ghost of Christmas Past step inside Frank's childhood home, where we see Frank as a kid, who's found solace in television. We also get an insight on his family life and we see that his father Earl, played by Brian Doyle-Murray.**

"Geez, how many of his brothers is Bill Murray going to put in his movies?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A young Frank gets a gift from his father and no it's not a choo-choo train. He gives his son 5 pounds of veal.  
**

_**Frank as Child (Played by Ryan Todd): But, Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo.**_

 _ **Earl Cross (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray) Well, then go get a job and buy a choo-choo.**_

 _ **Doris Cross (Played by Lisa Mende): Oh, Earl. He's only 4 years old.**_

 _ **Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give excuses why they can't work. "My back hurts." My legs ache." "I'm only 4." Soon he learns that life isn't given to you on a silver platter the better!**_

"Never had veal before, no clue what it is either." Brian said.

"It's baby cow." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Frank sees his mother, he's starts crying and… My god. That dude wins the award for ugliest cry ever. He just beat James Van Der Beek. Frank then tells the Ghost of Christmas Past that he's done other things besides watching television like playing baseball. Once, he hit the home run that won the big game.**

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: There was another time, though, that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers and there was this beautiful girl, like 15, with pigtails. And she was waiting for me….**_

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Past: You are so pathetic! You are so pathetic! That was the Little House On the Prairie.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Was it the homecoming episode of Little House On the Prairie?**_

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Past: Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House.**_

 ****"There was this one time that I ended up in the school play and I start dating this cute blonde and I stole her from her idiot boyfriend who gets straight C's." Sean said, imitating Frank.

"That was _American Housewife_." Brian said, imitating the Ghost of Christmas Past.

"Okay, there was this one time that I was torn between two girls…" Sean said.

"That was _Girl Meets World_. You are so pathetic!" Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the Ghost of Christmas Past takes him to his childhood home, they travel to 1968, where there's a Christmas party being held at Frank's office. Well, this was before Frank took over and this was when Lew Hayward was in charge. Frank was only working in the mailroom and boy, look at his hair. I never thought to have imagine to see this. Bill Murray with a perm. After that, we see how Frank and Claire first met.**

 **(Claire accidentally hits Frank in the face with a door)**

"Ouch. First, she hits Indiana Jones in the chin with a mirror. Now, she knocks out Bill Murray in the face with a door." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frank meets Claire for the first time and she gives him the nickname "Lumpy" after she hits him in the head with a door. We see that their relationship progresses, which leads to the two of them exchanging gifts like Frank giving her a set of knives and Claire giving Frank a book about the Kama Sutra. Yeah, like he needs it. Frank and the Ghost of Christmas Past travel to 1971, where we get his most annoying highlight of his life.**

 **(We see that Frank is performing as Frisbee the Dog)**

"Oh, man. And I thought that _Space Jam, The Man Who Knew Too Little, Larger Than Life_ and _Osmosis Jones_ were the most embarrassing career choices in his life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, this was the day that Frank and Claire's relationship ended because Frank chose his television career over her.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Maybe if you could put my needs and the needs of The Frisbee Show ahead of your own needs. I mean, I have been fighting for the integrity of this show. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.**_

 _ **Claire Phillips: I'm sorry. I guess I didn't realize how important it is to you.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Well, I'm willing to forgive you once in a while. I am.**_

 _ **Claire Phillips: Frank, look. Maybe we should separate for a while.**_

"Ouch. I would just like to ask, was it worth it? You had to choose Frisbee the Dog over Claire. What did she see in this guy anyway? She's better off with Indiana Jones." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing that he lost the love of his life, the Ghost of Christmas Past vanishes, sending Frank back into reality and we get another one of my favorite lines from the film.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Well, I am happy with the path that I chosen, you little bitch! In fact, I couldn't be happier!**_

 _ **Buddy Hackett: What are you? Crazy?**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Yeah, Buddy, I'm crazy! Crazy like a fox!**_

"Yeah. I just love that line." Sean said with a big grin on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frank starts talking to himself like a crazy person and he heads down to the homeless shelter to talk to Claire hoping to make amends with her until three people who live in the homeless shelter Herman, played by Michael J. Pollard, Billy played by the late Logan Ramsey and Eva played by his wife the late Anne Ramsey who passed away before the film was released. The three of them see Frank and mistake him for Richard Burton.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me Dick?**_

 _ **Herman (Played by Michael J. Pollard): I'm sorry, Mr. Burton. Maybe we don't know you well enough to call you Dick., but after Exorcist II and Night of the Iguana we thought we had something special. So please just do a couple of lines from Hamlet, please?**_

 _ **Billy (Played by the late Logan Ramsey): Or The Sandpiper?**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Leave me alone!**_

"Uh, why would these guys think he's Richard Burton? Richard Burton died on August 5th, 1984. He's not Richard Burton. Plus, _Exorcist II_ was the worst movie for him to star in. It sucked. But don't take my word from it. I have a friend who can vouch for me about Exorcist II." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Frank does his best Richard Burton impersonation by re-enacting a scene from** _ **Cleopatra**_ **to get them off of his back and he goes to talk to Claire to make amends with her until he starts acting like an asshole to some of the workers at the homeless shelter. And then he gives Claire some advice.**

 _ **Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you some advice, Claire: scrape them off. You want to save somebody? Save yourself.**_

 _ **Claire Phillips: Oh, well that's a wonderful attitude to have on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Bah, humbug!**_

"Okay, she doesn't need to deal with this dude's crap. Marion, kill that son of a bitch." Sean said.

 **(A clip of Marion from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **shooting something off-screen intercuts with an image of Frank exploding)**

"Ha! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!" Sean yelled to the camera.

"Oh, he'll die. Just wait." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the studio, we see that production is still going on with Scrooge and Buddy Hackett messing up his lines, Frank sees that Brice is taking care of production and calling the meal breaks around here. So he decides to have a little chat with him until Brice tells him that he's meeting Preston for a drink. While everybody's on their break, Frank is left on the set until he is visited by a goofy fairy.**

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Present (Played by Carol Kane): Hi, Frank! Come on!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) In the form of the Ghost of Christmas Present, played by Carol Kane. And my god, she's the best part of this film every time I watch it.**

 **(The Ghost of Christmas Present kicks Frank in the balls, making Frank groan in pain)**

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Present: (Grabs Frank by his tie) Hello, Frank. I'm the ghost of Christmas Present.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: I had a funny feeling. Ooooh… Why did you do that?**_

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes you have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.**_

 _ **Frank Cross: Fine, slap me in the face. But you kicked me in the b…**_

 **(The Ghost of Christmas Present grabs Frank by his bottom lip)**

 **** _ **Ghost of Christmas Present: Hush, Frank. It's time to begin our journey. And now close your eyes and think…**_

 _ **Frank Cross: No! You close your eyes! I'm through…**_

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Present: (Grabs Frank by his ear) Close them! Close your eyes…**_

"Boy, she's a bit psychotic, don't you think?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Ghost of Christmas Present punches him to his first location, which is his assistant Grace's apartment and she shows Frank her struggles to support her family. We get a little insight on Grace's youngest son Calvin, who's the Tiny Tim version of the film. Instead of him being ill, he's a mute in this one. And why is he mute, you might ask. Well, he saw his father killed five years ago. Poor kid, I feel bad for him.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Well, is he going to be ok?**_

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Present: It's his choice. Only he can break the spell.**_

"Ooookay. So far, for our ghosts, we have a crazy cabbie and a fairy." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the bad times in their life, there are some good times for the Cooley family and that involves tickling the older brother. Oh, and the Ghost of Christmas Present gets violent with Frank.**

 **(We get more of the Ghost of Christmas Present hitting Frank multiple times and punching him in his face, sending him to his next destination)**

"Boy, this fairy is one crazy bitch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at Frank's brother's apartment where we see that James is throwing a Christmas party and we see that he invited his brother Joel Murray to the party.**

"Okay. So we have Bill, Brian, John and Joel in the same movie together. What's next a movie with both Jeff and Beau Bridges in it. Oh, wait. That did happen. It was _The Fabulous Baker Boys_ in 1989. Okay, it's like having Alec, Stephen, Billy and Daniel Baldwin in the same movie together." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Joel Murray being one of the guests at James' party, one of the movie's screenwriters Mitch Glazer appears as another one of the party guests. And we see that James is married to. (Sean begins to recognize the woman in the red shirt) Hmm, that woman with the long brown hair and the red shirt looks very familiar.**

"Why does she look very familiar?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Kathryn (Played by Wendie Malick): No, if you're gonna change something, I would go with your lips.**_

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katy Mixon): Mom!**_

 _ **Kathryn: It's not my fault that she got my thin lips.**_

"Okay, that is Katie's mom playing James' wife in the movie." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I'm not kidding. That's Wendie Malick from** _ **Hot in Cleveland**_ **and** _ **American Housewife**_ **playing James' wife Wendie. Fun fact: she was married to the film's screenwriter Mitch Glazer at the time.**

 _ **Wendie Cross (Played by Wendie Malick) James, you forgot to open your brother's present.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that James' Christmas party consists of trivia games and opening up a gift from his brother. A very special gift.**

"Oh, boy. I bet it's two tickets for the premiere of _Ghostbusters II_. I bet James and Wendie are excited." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.

 **(We see the words "It's a VCR flashing in red and green colors on the screen after James opens his gift)**

"A VCR. Really? He gave him a shower curtain last year. And he gives him a VCR. How generous of him." Sean said.

 _ **Frank Cross: I didn't get the gifts mixed up! My ex-secretary got the gifts mixed up.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And trivia games on old sitcoms. It's a little game that they've invented in a couple of years, it's called Scene It. And then he makes a toast to his brother Frank. And right when he's about to answer the Gilligan's Island question, the Ghost of Christmas Present and Frank beat each other up until this happens.**

 _ **Ghost of Christmas Present: (Picks up a toaster) Oh, look. Frank. What is it? It's a toaster!**_

 **(She hits Frank in the face with a toaster, knocking him out and sending him back)**

 _ **Frank Cross: That bitch hit me with a toaster.**_

"Oh, come on. You're gonna let her do that shit to you? You're a fucking Ghostbuster. Get your proton pack on and bust these assholes so they won't haunt you. Now that I think about it." Sean said before a clip from _The Real Ghostbusters_ is shown.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Real Ghostbusters**_ **episode** _ **Xmas Marks the Spot**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) There was an episode in the first season of** _ **The Real Ghostbusters**_ **called** _ **Xmas Marks the Spot**_ **and the Ghostbusters get zapped back in time to 1837 England and they end up trapping the three ghosts that were visiting Ebenezer Scrooge and they end up saving him and they end up messing things up when they return to the present and everyone starts hating Christmas.**

"Oh, man. I cannot believe that I started talking about a memorable episode from a show from my childhood that I still watch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ghost of Christmas Present sends Frank back and he ends up in a utility space under a sidewalk, only to find…**

 **(He sees Herman, who's frozen to death)**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Goonies**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chunk (Played by Jeff Cohen): It's a stiff!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frank finds Herman and he sees that Herman has frozen to death, which upsets Frank.**

 _ **Frank Cross: You moron! You jerk! Why didn't you stay with Claire? Why didn't you stay with Claire? She would've taken care of you. You would have eaten! You would have been warm! You might be alive! You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that!**_

"Wow, that got dark." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frank desperately tries to escape and finds a door that's boarded, breaking through which leads him back on the set of the production of Scrooge.**

 **(Frank breaks through the door and ends up back on the set. He ends up bumping into one of the performers, causing the barrel to roll straight into the bandaged-up lady censor)**

 _ **Lady Censor: (Sees the barrel rolling towards her) Ohh… Shit!**_

"That's for telling us what we can or cannot see in our TV shows, ya bitch!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Brice sends Frank upstairs to his office to supervise things but before Frank heads to his office, he has a little run-in with the Ghost of Christmas Future!**

 **(Frank sees the Ghost of Christmas Future standing in the elevator in front of him)**

 _ **Frank: (Screams) Oh, God! Oh, God! Grace, go watch the show! He's here for me! Come on! Alright, come on! Give it to me! You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.**_

"Yeah, you shouldn't call the Ghost of Christmas Future a pussy. Because he's going to show you a terrible future." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As production begins, Frank sits in his office and opens up his Christmas gift from his brother James, which is a picture frame that he made with a photo of the two of them as kids while he prepares for the final spirit to visit him.**

 **(Eliot storms Frank's office with a shotgun)**

 _ **Eliot Loudermilk: Honey, I'm home!**_

 **(Eliot fires the shotgun up at the ceiling)**

"Aaah! The final spirit is armed with a shotgun and he's taken the form of Bobcat Goldthwait!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, that's not the final spirt about to make Frank repent, that's Eliot who's ready to give Frank a closed casket for Christmas. He's about to get his revenge on Frank for the loss of his job and his family. But hey, how can you take this guy seriously when he keeps yelling like a screeching banshee?**

 _ **Eliot Loudermilk: Let me tell you a little bit about my day: I got fired, my wife left me, she took our little baby daughter with her.**_

 **(Eliot starts shooting once more)**

 _ **Eliot Loudermilk: I can't recall much after that because ever since then, I've been blind, stinking drunk!**_

 **(Eliot fires his shotgun, destroying a computer)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But what makes this scene funny was when Bobcat starts singing Christmas songs while trying to kill Frank. But Frank gets a kiss from the angel of death as he escapes into the elevator, where he comes across the final spirit of the film, the Ghost of Christmas Future.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Hey. Back off, big man. That may work with the chicks, but not with me.**_

"Oh good! More nightmares!" Brian said in an impression of Kevin McCaffrey.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And that's when things get dark from zero to sixty and this scene with the Ghost of Christmas Future gets pretty fucking dark. The Ghost takes Frank to the future, where he sees that Grace's son has become catatonic and he's been institutionalized, Claire became a total bitch and took Frank's words and shunned the homeless like Frank. And finally, the Ghost takes Frank where a cremation ceremony is being held.**

"After seeing Bill Murray's performance as FDR in _Hyde Park on Hudson_ and seeing him in _Wild Things_ , yeah that's his filmography in a nutshell." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And when I say things get really dark, I really mean it because this part scares the crap out of me. Frank sees that his brother and his wife Wendie are at cremation ceremony, only to come to a shocking revelation about his life and finds himself in a coffin about to get incinerated like the Joker in the beginning of** _ **Batman: Arkham Knight**_ **.**

 _ **Frank Cross: I'm in here! Oh, God! Don't let them do it! Don't let them! I'm in here! Aaah! Mom! Oh, God! I want to live! I want to live! Oh, God, I want to live! I want to live!**_

 **(Frank ends up back out of the elevator)**

 _ **Frank Cross: I'm alive!**_

 _ **Singers: Hallelujah!**_

"It's a miracle!" Sean shouted at the camera in joy.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With his completely changed demeanor, Frank rehires Eliot and makes him his vice president in charge of programming and with Eliot's help, Frank returns to the production set while Eliot holds everybody in the control room hostage with a shotgun and Frank breaks the show's live broadcast with an important message.**

 _ **Frank Cross: You know, it's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun. You can call people that you haven't seen. Call a college roommate, you know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. Hey! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Eliot!**_

 _ **Eliot Loudermilk: Great!**_

 **(The shotgun goes off destroying the window in the control room)**

"You idiot! You see? This is why you shouldn't give Bobcat Goldthwait a gun." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Frank filled with the Christmas spirit, he apologizes to Grace on the air, Claire sees him on TV after he makes a passionate plea for her to come back and she heads to the IBC building with the help of the Ghost of Christmas Past. After that, Frank makes a memorable speech in which this happens.**

 _ **Frank Cross: Did I forget something, big man?**_

 _ **Calvin Cooley (Played by Nicholas Phillips) God bless us everyone.**_

"It's another miracle! The kid starts talking again!" Sean shouted out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Frank and Claire reunite and the film ends with the cast and crew singing** _ **Put a Little Love In Your Heart**_ **and Frank sees Lew, the three Ghosts and the ghost of Herman smile and wave back, and Bill Murray breaks the fourth wall. Which is a nice touch.**

 _ **Frank Cross: (Breaking the fourth wall) Come on. Let's hear it from all you folks out there. Come on. You don't know the words? Come on. Come on, let's hear it from this side of the theater. Come on just over here. Alright, alright that's no good. Let's try the other side of the theater. Come on. All right. How about just the men? Come on. Just the men. All right, the real men. Ok. Let's hear the real men. All right. All right. The women. Ok. The women now this time. No, the real women. The real women. You know who you are. All right (Points) you**_

"Me? Are you talking to me? I was just reviewing the movie. Don't point at me." Sean said, pointing at the camera.

 _ **James Cross: My brother, the king of Christmas.**_

"And that was Scrooged and yes it's still one of those classic Christmas films to be watching. It's hilarious fun." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Although this film can be mean-spirited at times and gotten mixed reviews, I still find it to be very enjoyable and one of the renditions of** _ **A Christmas Carol**_ **. There have been some problems on set like conflict between director Richard Donner and it's star Bill Murray. And poor Bill Murray, he didn't have the best of times while working on the film. Aside from his creative differences with Donner, Murray also suffered some physical mishaps while working on the movie like he reacted badly to the fake snow that was used on the set, which left him coughing up blood.**

"Boy, can you imagine how Bill Murray felt when he got kicked in the nads by Carol Kane?" Sean asked.

 **(The scene where Frank gets kicked in the nuts plays again)**

Music from the Kirin J Callinan song _Big Enough_ plays as Sean puts on a cowboy hat and imitates the cowboy in sky that yells out "Ahhhhhh!".

 **Sean: (Narrating) But on the plus side, Murray described "being the meanest person in the world" as Frank Cross as fun and his performance was excellent. The acting and the comedy was well done, it could be lighthearted at times and sometimes dark. This movie is an immortal classic to watch during the holiday season and it's the perfect Christmas movie to watch if you want a good laugh. The movie was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Makeup and Hairstyling but it lost out to** _ **Beetlejuice**_ **. It's the best Christmas movie ever made, coming in at 4 Solid Gold Dancers out of 5.**

"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said, ending his review as he got up from off of the couch and left the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Bah, humbug!**_

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of the Christmas movie** _ **Scrooged**_ **. I hope that you liked this hilarious review. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, you know what I haven't done in a while? A Top 11 countdown. That's right, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the** _ **Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes**_ **. Then after that, which theme month should I do right after the** _ **Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes**_ **?**

 **Sequelitis Month: Sean reviews some good and terrible sequels to films that he looked at and tries not to go insane. Here's the list of sequels for Sequelitis Month:** _ **RoboCop 2, RoboCop 3, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **and** _ **Ghostbusters II.**_

 **Seagal Month: Sean takes a look at the films from the Lethal Weapon himself, Steven Seagal. Here's the list of Steven Seagal movies:** _ **Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Out for Justice**_ **and** _ **On Deadly Ground.**_

 **Childhood Month: Sean takes a look at some of the films from his childhood. Here are a list of films for Childhood Month:** _ **The Little Rascals, The Flintstones, Dennis the Menace, Ducktales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp.**_

 **Sports Month: Sean takes a looks at some sports films dedicated to sports films. Here's a list of films for Sports Month:** _ **Major League, The Sandlot, The Waterboy, Rocky IV.**_

 **Adam Sandler Month: Sean takes a looks at some of the films by Adam Sandler. Here's a list of films:** _ **Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Anger Management**_ **and** _ **Grown Ups 2**_ **.**

 **Feel free to pick which theme I should do next after the top 11 countdown. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Before I go, I am looking for someone who could co-write the Betty/Veronica/Archie chapter for** _ **Riverdale: Tales of Love**_ **. The chapter is** _ **Roommates Share Everything**_ **. If you're interested to assist me, feel free to PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	50. Episode 46: Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Hope that you all are having a happy new year and guess what, I'm starting 2019 off with a bang with a new chapter of this story and work on a couple of updates on** _ **Riverdale: Tales of Love, Juliet's World, The Blood of Family**_ **and post new stories for** _ **American Housewife, Speechless, Pretty Little Liars, Girl Meets World, Fuller House, I Am Frankie, Coop and Cami Ask the World, Modern Family**_ **and** _ **Alexa & Katie**_ **. And also more** _ **Riverdale**_ **stories. Anyway, here's the newest chapter of 2019 for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and it's been a while since I've done a Top 11 countdown. Here it is, the** _ **Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Seinfeld**_ **is owned by West/Shapiro Productions, Giggling Goose Productions, Fred Barron Production and Castle Rock Entertainment.**

 **Episode Forty-Six**

 **The Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said, making his usual introduction. "Well, it's 2019 and I'm starting this new year off great. Which means, I'll be bringing you more reviews on my new HP touchscreen laptop. Hell, it's better than my old laptop. Anyway, let's talk about _Seinfeld_."

 **(A clip from the Seinfeld episode "The Marine Biologist" is shown)**

 _ **Kramer (Played by Michael Richards): Hey, who wants to have some fun?**_

 **(Clips from various episodes of** _ **Seinfeld**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about the show about nothing? It's hilarious. The show ran for nine seasons from 1989 to 1998 and it was created by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. It's impossible to say something about this hilarious sitcom that hasn't been said dozens of times before. We love seeing the misadventures of comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends and the silly situations that they get into in these episodes. The show was a big part of the 90s with it's one-liners.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: But I don't wanna be a pirate!/We're not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.**_

 _ **Kramer: Yama hama, it's fright night.**_

 _ **Elaine Benes (Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus): Get out! (She pushes Jerry)**_

 _ **Timmy (Played by Kieran Mulroney): You double-dipped the chip!**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Hello, Newman.**_

 _ **George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): I was in the pool!**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: (After realizing the gift that Dr. Tim Whatley gave her was re-gifted) He's a re-gifter!**_

 _ **Frank Costanza (Played by Jerry Stiller): Serenity now!**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: These pretzels are making me thirsty.**_

 _ **Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty.**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: These pretzels are making me thirsty.**_

 _ **George Costanza: These pretzels… are making me thirsty!**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.**_

"Yeah, it's a lot of memorable one-liners for me to list on this review." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's how iconic this show is. From dinner party etiquette to Junior Mints to getting caught picking your nose at a stop light, there's no situation that small for the show to tackle. But hey, wasn't** _ **Seinfeld**_ **funny? Yes, it's still is despite the show becoming overrated. But hey, this show left no stone unturned, with an episode tackling a taboo subject. And we get our favorite episodes of the show. There 180 episodes and a lot to choose from. Which ones are the most funniest, which one are the most iconic?**

"Well, let's head back to Monk's and grab ourselves a booth because we're doing a _Top 11 Best Seinfeld_ episodes. Why Top 11? Because I can only sum it up to you with one word… Nothing." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episode "The Pitch" is shown)**

 _ **Russell Dalrymple (Played by Bob Balaban): Nothing?**_

 _ **George Costanza: Nothing.**_

"Nothing." Sean said. "This is the _Top 11 Seinfeld Episodes_."

 **(The** _ **Seinfeld**_ **theme plays and we get photos of Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer and a group shot of Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer is shown with Sean added in the group photo)**

 **Number 11:** _ **The Raincoats**_ **(Season 5, Episodes 18/19)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of my favorite episodes from the show's fifth season and my favorite season ever. The episode deals with Kramer and Jerry's dad Morty going into business together into selling Morty's raincoats. This episode has a lot of funny moments crammed into one episode. Aside from Kramer and Morty going into business with each other, you got a plot involving Elaine's new boyfriend Aaron, played hilariously by Judge Reinhold, and he starts hanging around Jerry's parents and he has this little quirk.**

 _ **Helen Seinfeld (Played by Liz Sheridan): What's he like?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: He's nice. A bit of a close talker.**_

 _ **Helen Seinfeld: A what?**_

"We see that in the show Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer end up dating someone with some kind of personality quirks. And you're gonna see the big deal with Aaron." Sean said.

 _ **Aaron (Played by Judge Reinhold): (Stands unusually close to Jerry when speaking to him, disrupting his personal space) How about you, Jerry?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: I'm swamped.**_

 _ **Aaron: You sure? You can examine the art work up close.**_

"Yeah, if somebody stands close up to my face, I'm punching them square in the face. I hate it when people do that. It's too fucking annoying." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of my favorite moments from the episode would have to be in** _ **The Raincoats Part 2**_ **, where Jerry and his girlfriend Rachel, played by Melanie Smith, are making out in the movie theater during Schindler's List and while they were making out, Newman catches them, which results in this.**

 _ **Helen Seinfeld: How could you?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: How could I what?**_

 _ **Helen Seinfeld: You were making out during Schindler's List?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: What? No.**_

 _ **Morty Seinfeld (Played by the late Barney Martin): Don't lie, Jerry.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Newman.**_

 _ **Helen Seinfeld: How could you do such a thing?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time. We just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew the war was over.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jerry Seinfeld commented that Steven Spielberg got so depressed while filming the movie** _ **Schindler's List**_ **, he would watch tapes of Seinfeld episodes to cheer himself up. But who makes out during** _ **Schindler's List**_ **. Well, I understand that the film is 4hrs. long but still. You just don't do that. It's one of my favorite jokes throughout the episode especially when Aaron whips out a line from** _ **Schindler's List**_ **right when Jerry's parents leave for Florida.**

 _ **Aaron: I could've done more. I could've done so much more.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Schindler's List**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Oskar Schindler (Played by Liam Neeson): I could have got more out. I could have got more.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) From close-talking boyfriends to selling raincoats to making out during** _ **Schindler's List**_ **, that's one episode making the list.**

 _ **Rudy: (After burning Frank's cabana shirts) Lousy moth ridden crap.**_

 **Number 10:** _ **The Junior Mint**_ **(Season 4, Episode 21)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) A classic episode from season four, Jerry ends up meeting a woman at the supermarket by the produce section and the two starts hitting it off and Jerry, being self-centered as ever, forgets her name and he tries everything to figure it out.**

 _ **Mystery Woman (Played by Susan Walters): What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And yes, that's Susan Walters and fun fact, she's married to Johnny Cage's portrayer Linden Ashby. Now, back to Jerry. He's trying desperately to figure out his date's name because it rhymes with a female body part.**

 _ **George Costanza: Now, let's try "breast." Celeste. Kest.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: No.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Rest. Sest. Hest.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Hest? That's not a name.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from that, Elaine's got the hots for her slimmed-down ex Roy, George buys a shitload of art from Elaine's ex and the biggest highlight of the episode is when Jerry and Kramer are observing Roy's surgery with Kramer treating it like it's a movie theater when he starts snacking on some Junior Mints, resulting in this.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, stop it.**_

 **(Jerry accidentally knocks the Junior Mint from out of Kramer's hand, causing it to drop into Roy's surgical cavity during the operation)**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing, into the patient.**_

 _ **George Costanza: What do you mean, "Into the patient"?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Into the patient. Literally.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Into the hole?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Yes. The hole.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Didn't they notice it?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: No.**_

 _ **George Costanza: How could they not notice it?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But what makes this episode so iconic and so great was at the end of the episode where Jerry finally remembers his date's name.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: (After he finally remembers the woman's name) Oh! Oh! Delores!**_

"And you all are probably wondering what part of the female anatomy rhymes with the name Delores. Well, there's a little part of the female anatomy that starts with the letter "C" and it's not "Cervix"." Sean said as his cat Riley meows.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This was the first episode written by Andy Robin, who would go on to write a couple more episodes with Gregg Kavet in seasons 6-9, and with storylines so bizarre, they're pretty funny and Andy Robin nailed it with this episode. And you know what they say about Junior Mints…**

 _ **Kramer: It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: That's true.**_

 _ **Kramer: It's very refreshing.**_

 **Number 9:** _ **The Baby Shower**_ **(Season 2, Episode 4)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is from one of Seinfeld's earliest seasons and the first episode written by** _ **Borat**_ **director Larry Charles, this episode deals with Elaine throwing a baby shower at Jerry's apartment for a former girlfriend who used to date George and George tries to get his revenge on her for pouring Bosco chocolate syrup all over his red shirt. You have these different storylines coming together in one episode. You get the baby shower storyline, then there's the illegal cable storyline and George's storyline and they're all weaved together which is very clever for a sitcom.**

 _ **Kramer: (On getting illegal cable) I'm offering you 56 channels. Movies, sports, nudity and it's free for life!**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: What you're suggesting is illegal.**_

 _ **Kramer: It's not illegal.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: But it's against the law.**_

 _ **Kramer: Well, yeah.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then you have the infamous dream sequence, in which it involves Jerry getting busted by the FBI for getting illegal cable and it turns out that the Russian Guy, played by Vic Polizos, is an undercover FBI agent. And in the dream sequence, Jerry gets gunned down by the FBI. Man, that was a bit dark for a sitcom, it almost looked like something from out of a Quentin Tarantino film!**

 **(The dream sequence where Jerry gets killed by the FBI is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Which leads to one of my favorite lines from the episode.**

 _ **Kramer: Cable boy. Cable boy. What have you done to my little cable boy?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I've watched the Inside Look of the episode on my** _ **Seinfeld Seasons 1 and 2**_ **DVD and Larry Charles boasts about killing more people in sitcoms than anybody else. For the sitcoms he written for, he probably done that. But hey, we love dark humor more than the next guy. Even though this episode got negative reviews after it first aired, I still find it enjoyable to watch. Coming in at number 9.**

 _ **Kramer: Hey, come on over. Doctor Zhivago's on cable in five minutes. I'm making popcorn!**_

 **(Jerry, Elaine and George turn and look at Kramer)**

 **Number 8:** _ **The Limo**_ **(Season 3, Episode 18)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is one episode that I always like to watch and people ask me why do I like this episode and as risky and edgy as it is today when it first aired back in 1992 and watching this episode again, I still find it to be freaking hilarious. In this episode, Jerry and George pick up a limo at the airport, which is meant for this guy O'Brien, who's in Chicago. And George pretends to be O'Brien.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: What if we get caught?**_

 _ **George Costanza: What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And yada yada yada, turns out that this O'Brien guy that George is masquerading as is Donald O'Brien, a high-profile Neo-Nazi, who's scheduled to make his first public appearance at the Paramount Theater to deliver a speech at the rally.**

"Yikes." Sean said.

 _ **George Costanza: I'm telling you, the jig is up.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've started this jig.**_

 _ **George Costanza: It was a good jig.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: It was a bad jig. A terrible, terrible jig.**_

"You guys should've known that the dude's a Neo-Nazi. What did you expect when they have you read over a faxed copy of his speech about antisemitism, anti-Zionism and white supremacy?" Sean asked.

 _ **George Costanza: (Reads over O'Brien's speech) And the Jews steal our money through their Zionist-occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: You're not going to open with that, are you?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This episode is like a thriller but with added comedy. And writers Larry Charles and Marc Jaffe keep the jokes coming by cutting to Elaine and Kramer who are hanging out on the street corner waiting for Jerry and George and Kramer putting the pieces together saying that Jerry is secretly the leader of the Aryan Union.**

 _ **Elaine Benes: Jerry's a Nazi?**_

 _ **Kramer: I can't even believe I didn't see it.**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: Listen, you idiot, just calm down. I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi.**_

 _ **Kramer: No?**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: No. He's just neat.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Guns, riding, angry protestors trying to kill them and we get one of the funniest climaxes ever in which George is confronted by screaming protestors on live TV, and you got yourself a hilarious episode.**

 _ **George Costanza: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I repeat, I am not O'Brien! Ask anyone. Jerry! Jerry!**_

 **Number 7:** _ **The Bubble Boy**_ **(Season 4, Episode 7)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Here's one classic episode that is pretty hilarious and is written by Larry David and Larry Charles. In the episode, Jerry agrees to visit a fan who's ill and he has to live in a bubble.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: A bubble?**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: A bubble?**_

 _ **Mel Sanger (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray): Yes, a bubble.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jerry, Elaine, George and George's new girlfriend Susan, played by Heidi Swedberg, are on their way to Susan's father's cabin in the woods while they drive to the Bubble Boy's house, until Jerry gets lost because of George's driving. Then hijinks ensues when Jerry and Elaine stop off at a diner and he gives another fan an autographed picture of himself with this lame response.**

 _ **Waitress (Played by O-Lan Jones): Nothing's finer than being in your diner.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, how lame and embarrassing is that? Meanwhile, George and Susan are at the Bubble Boy's house and play some Trivial Pursuit with him.**

 _ **George Costanza: Who invaded Spain in the 8**_ _ **th**_ _ **century?**_

 _ **Donald (Voiced by Jon Hayman): That's a joke. The Moors.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It's the "Moops." The correct answer is the "Moops".**_

 _ **Donald: Moops? Let me see that.**_

 _ **(George hands Donald the card)**_

 _ **Donald: That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.**_

 _ **George Costanza: I'm sorry. The card says Moops.**_

 _ **Donald: It doesn't matter. It's Moors. There's no Moops.**_

 _ **George Costanza: It's Moops.**_

 _ **Donald: Moors.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Moops.**_

 _ **Donald: Moors!**_

 **(We cut to Donald, trying to kill George by strangling him)**

 _ **George Costanza: Help. Someone….**_

 _ **Donald: There's no Moops, you idiot!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And where's Kramer in all of this? Well, he's out setting a cabin on fire.**

 _ **Susan Ross (Played by Heidi Swedberg): (After seeing her father's cabin on fire) That's my father's cabin!**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: The cabin's on fire.**_

 _ **George Costanza: I just realized, you never gave me back the change from the tolls.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of fires, here's number six on the countdown.**

 **Number 6:** _ **The Fire**_ **(Season 5, Episode 18)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Another hilarious episode from the crazy mind of our favorite writer Larry Charles. This episode pushed the bounds of how people behave in reality. Plus, this is an idea that just popped into Larry Charles' mind, George Costanza panicking at a birthday party and pushing women and children out of the way just to save his own ass. That was dark, yet so damn hilarious. And in this episode, George does that. George is at a birthday party that his girlfriend, played by Melanie Chartoff. You know, the voice of Didi Pickles from** _ **Rugrats**_ **. She's throwing a birthday party for her son and George starts bickering with a clown named Eric, played by the director of** _ **Iron Man**_ **and** _ **Iron Man 2**_ **(the director that I'm talking about is Jon Favreau), then after he finishes bickering with the guy, George heads into the kitchen after he smells smoke then this happens.**

 _ **George Costanza: Fire! Get out of here! Get out of my way!**_

 **(George pushes everyone in his path down, including a clown and a disabled elderly woman)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Damn, so much for the "women and children first" rule. Aside from that dark yet hilarious moment, there's a subplot in the episode where Kramer is dating a woman named Toby, played by Veanne Cox, a hyperenthusiastic woman who's a co-worker of Elaine's who she thinks is "deranged". Jerry invites her and Kramer to see his performance at the comedy club since this critic named Leonard Christian is gonna be there. So during Jerry's performance, she ends up heckling him.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set!**_

 _ **Toby (Played by Veanne Cox): Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then things get really dark when Jerry goes up to Pendant Publishing to get his revenge on Toby by heckling her, which upsets her and then this happens to her.**

 **(We cut to a scene of the street outside. We hear the sound of tires screeching and Toby screaming out "My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!" then we see a shocked expression on his face)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, we get one of the most hilarious highlights of the episode where Kramer tells the story about how he saved Toby's pinky toe and props to Michael Richards, he's such a vivid storyteller and this is one of the best yet hilarious moments because Kramer gets into a fight with a gunman on the bus.**

 _ **Kramer: The bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.**_

 _ **George Costanza: You're Batman.**_

 _ **Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts choking me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, y'know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know- at the next stop.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: You kept makin' all the stops?**_

 _ **Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Holy cow, that's comedy gold. It's another classic yet hilarious episode. If you haven't seen it, then go check it out.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.**_

 _ **George Costanza: To some degree.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: So basically, it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves.**_

 _ **George Costanza: In a manner of speaking.**_

 **Number 5:** _ **The Chinese Restaurant**_ **(Season 2, Episode 6)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seinfeld's episodes in it's earlier seasons weren't all that good. But there's one good one that happens to be the best episode and a big game changer for the show. And** _ **The Chinese Restaurant**_ **is definitely a game changer for the show. The episode is about Jerry, Elaine and George waiting for a table at a Chinese restaurant. There you go. There's your episode. A whole episode based on waiting for a table and it's very hilarious. We've all been through this kind of thing that they're dealing with on this episode, just waiting for a table and the wait is long. Don't you just hate that? In the episode Jerry, George and Elaine go to a Chinese restaurant before going to see** _ **Plan 9 From Outer Space**_ **but while waiting for a table, each of them run into some problems: Jerry sees a woman who's name he can't remember and when he remembers her name and realizes that she works in his uncle's office and fears that she might tell him that she saw him because Jerry broke plans with him, George trying to call his girlfriend Tatiana and invite her to join them and Elaine… well, Elaine is just starving. If any episode proves that Seinfeld is a show about nothing, it's this episode. We get some shenanigans like Elaine trying to take food from a group of elderly people eating dinner and George willing to get into a rumble with a guy who's taking a long time with the phone. And they have to deal with an enigmatic maitre'd, played by James Hong. And just like** _ **The Parking Space**_ **in the show's third season, the gang ends up back where they started. This episode is one of most popular episodes and it was definitely a game changer.**

 _ **Maitre'd (Played by James Hong): (After Jerry, Elaine and George leave the restaurant): Seinfeld, four!**_

 **Number 4:** _ **The Invitations**_ **(Season 7, Episode 24)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You all didn't expect me to talk about this episode. Yes, this was the final episode for Larry David, until he comes back as the executive producer and writer for** _ **The Finale**_ **in the final season. This episode deals with George and Susan's wedding day coming up and George tries to get out of it like he starts smoking, which made him sick. Then there's trying to make her sign a prenuptial agreement and Susan's response is this….**

 **(Susan starts laughing)**

 _ **George Costanza: What's so funny?**_

 _ **Susan Ross: (Laughs) You don't have any money. I make more money than you do.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from that, Jerry meets a woman named Jeannie, played by Janeane Garofalo, and she's just like him and Jerry ends up proposing to her and after proposing to her, he regrets his proposal. But what came at us really unexpectedly was the death of Susan. We didn't see that one coming. And we get this coldest moment of the show when George and his friends react to the death of his fiancée. What killed Susan? Well, she was licking cheap envelopes that George bought and the glue was toxic. But aside from that, the ending was dark and boy, fans of the show were angered by this but hey, this is sick, twisted and dark humor and it was pretty funny.**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: We had a pact!**_

 **Number 3:** _ **The Marine Biologist**_ **(Season 5, Episode 13)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Considered to be one of Jerry Seinfeld's favorite episodes, this episode deals with George pretending to be a marine biologist while on a date with a former college classmate named Diane DeConn, played by Rosalind Allen from** _ **SeaQuest DSV**_ **.**

 _ **George Costanza: You got me in the Galapagos Islands living with the turtles. I don't know where the hell I am.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Look, why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) There are tons of hilarious moments from the episode like Elaine fighting a Russian novelist who throws her electronic organizer out the window and it hits a woman on the head and that woman is played by Carol Kane. And Kramer goes golfing at the beach. And we get George telling the story about how he saved the beached whale.**

 _ **George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the biggest payoff of this episode would have to be George's closing monologue at the end of the episode.**

 _ **George Costanza: So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.**_

 **(George whips out a golf ball and looks at Kramer. Jerry and Elaine look at Kramer as well)**

 _ **Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?**_

 **(George nods his head)**

 _ **Kramer: A hole in one, huh?**_

 **Number 2:** _ **The Pie**_ **(Season 5, Episode 15)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the show's fifth season, writers Tom Gammill and Max Pross joined the writing staff and they've written some pretty hilarious episodes and this is one of them. In this episode. Although, before I talk about this episode, the cast reading took place on January 13** **th** **, 1994, which was Julia Louis-Dreyfus' birthday, filming of this episode did not take place until February due to the 1994 Northridge Earthquake. And don't worry, I won't make an** _ **Animaniacs**_ **joke. Back to episode, we all like jokes about Jerry's obsession with cleanliness, in this one Jerry is obsessed about why his girlfriend Audrey, played by Suzanne Snyder who you might recognize her as the cute female Nazi Ava back in the third season episode** _ **The Limo**_ **. He's obsessed about why she won't eat the apple pie at Monk's. I mean come on, she likes pie, she wasn't full and yet she carries around donuts in her purse. So, why does she just refuse to taste the pie? The pie incident was based on something that happened in Jerry Seinfeld's life. This episode marks the first appearance of the character Poppie, played by Reni Santoni. Poppy is the owner of a restaurant called Poppie's and he's Audrey's father. And this little incident is based on something that writer Tom Gammill witnessed.**

 _ **Poppie (Played by Reni Santoni): (After coming out of the stall) Ah, Jerry! Tonight you're in for a real treat. I'm personally gonna prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey.**_

 **(Poppie leaves the restroom without washing his hands. Jerry notices that Poppie didn't wash his hands)**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: You know, a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. He wants to get caught.**_

 _ **George Costanza: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from that silly and gross A-plot. We get two more plots of the episode. One involving a creepy mannequin that looks like Elaine and George getting a new suit for a job interview and the other plot involves Kramer's back itching and he dates a woman who can scratch his back, which makes things even more zanier in the episode. A classic episode from the two guys who will be working on The Simpsons for future seasons, this is one episode that you should give it a watch.**

 _ **Audrey (Played by Suzanne Snyder): What do they want from Poppie?**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.**_

"Now, before I reveal the number 1 episode of the countdown, here are a few runners up." Sean said.

 **Runners Up**

 _ **The Puffy Shirt**_ **(Season 5)**

 _ **The Race**_ **(Season 6)**

 _ **The Finale**_ **(Season 9)**

 _ **The Cheever Letters**_ **(Season 4)**

 _ **The Yada Yada**_ **(Season 8)**

 _ **The Pothole**_ **(Season 8) (Note: Newman singing Lionel Ritchie and screaming while his mail truck is on fire is hilarious.)**

 _ **The Cadillac Parts 1 & 2**_ **(Season 7)**

 _ **The Stakeout**_ **(Season 1)**

 _ **The Opposite**_ **(Season 5)**

 _ **The Betrayal**_ **(Season 9)**

 **Sean: (V/O) And the number 1** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episode is…**

 **Number 1:** _ **The Contest**_ **(Season 4, Episode 11)**

 _ **George Costanza: My mother caught me.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Caught you? Doing what?**_

 _ **George Costanza: You know. I was alone…**_

 **(Elaine makes a face of surprise)**

 _ **Elaine Benes: You mean…?**_

 _ **George Costanza: (Nods) Uh-huh.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who are fans of the show like me, we all have to say that the best episode ever would have to be** _ **The Contest**_ **. It's an episode entirely about masturbation. It's a shocking thing to be doing on NBC back in 1992. It starts off when George tells Jerry, Elaine and Kramer got caught by his mother doing… that.**

 _ **George Costanza: I stopped by the house to drop the car off and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine. I started leafing through it.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Glamour?**_

"Okay. Look here. Gingerspyce's _Halloween- the Devil Cums Cream on 12 Inches_ , Brazzers' _Pool Humping_ with Monique Alexander and Elsa Jean, All Girl Massage's _Health Club_ with Lexi Belle and Lena Nicole and Girlway's _The Pick-Up Artist_ with Abigail Mac and Alina Lopez. Hell, especially either a dirty fanfic for _Alexa & Katie_ involving Alexa and Katie, an _American Housewife_ fanfic involving Taylor Otto and Pierce, a _Riverdale_ fanfic with Betty & Veronica and an _I am Frankie_ dirty fanfic involving Frankie, Cole and Simone. I can see someone jerking to them. But a _Glamour_ magazine? Who does that? Get with the times, Costanza. That is why the Internet was invented." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Long story short, the four of them make a bet to see who could go the longest without self-gratification. With problems like Jerry dating a virgin who's played by Jane Leeves, Elaine seeing John F. Kennedy Jr. in her aerobics class, George seeing a hot nurse giving a female patient a sponge bath and a naked woman running wild, there's no way that somebody will be able to do that.**

 **(Kramer slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)**

 _ **Kramer: I'm out!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, that didn't last long. This episode also marks the first appearance of Estelle Costanza played hilariously by Estelle Harris.**

 _ **Estelle Costanza (Played by Estelle Harris): I go out for a quart of milk, I come home and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) It was crude, controversial and it's hilarious. Plus, they avoided saying the "M" word. Now, I won't spoil the episode for those of you who haven't seen it. Besides, the winner isn't revealed until season nine. This Emmy Award-winning episode that is very well-written by Larry David just proves that Seinfeld is still master of it's domain.**

 _ **George Costanza: I am king of the county.**_

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: Lord of the manor.**_

 _ **Elaine Benes: I'm queen of the castle.**_

"And that is all for my Top 11 Best Seinfeld Episodes. If you have any episodes of Seinfeld that are your favorites, feel free leave a comment. Until then, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. See you guys next time when I start Sequelitis Month. God, kill me." Sean said, with a smile on his face.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Serenity now!**_

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **top 11 countdown on** _ **Seinfeld**_ **. I hope that you like my list of my favorite** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episodes. If you have any episodes that you like, feel free to tell me. Next time, Sequelitis Month begins when Sean reviews the first film of Sequelitis Month,** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **. Let's see how Sean deals with the sequel to the most awesome Sci-Fi action movie. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to do a co-review with any of the sequels for Sequelitis Month, feel free to PM if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	51. Sequelitis Month Part I: RoboCop 2

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I've recently got 108 reviews for this story. Thank you all for reviewing this story and enjoying it, it means so much to me. Also, I've read a review from a fellow reader who wants me to continue** _ **The Blood of Family**_ **and that they really miss it so much and they want to know what happens next. Don't worry, after I'm finished with Sequelitis Month for this story, I'll take a little break from writing it and I'll continue working on** _ **The Blood of Family**_ **and** _ **Riverdale: TOL**_ **because I have to start the Betty/Veronica/Archie threesome chapter since it's on my old laptop. Anyway, it's update time. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic starts Sequelitis Month by taking a look at the sequel to the 1987 Sci-Fi action movie** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **and see if it's better than the original or does it just suck. So here it is, the hilarious new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **is owned by Orion Pictures and MGM.**

 **Sequelitis Month Part I: RoboCop 2**

We see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room like always. But he was not his usual cheery, energetic self. He begins to sigh before looking at the camera to start his introduction.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said in a low, monotone voice and rolls his eyes. "And welcome to the first installment of Sequelitis Month."

 **(The title card of Sequelitis Month appears, where we see Sean giving a thumbs down, with an angered look on his face while somebody says "What time is it? It's sequel time!" in their impersonation of Finn the Human from the** _ **Adventure Time**_ **commercials and Sean saying "Yay" in a not-so ecstatic voice)**

"Throughout the month of January, I will be taking a look at sequels to films that I've already looked at. I just hope that the first film that I will be reviewing today is better than the rest of the shitty sequels that I will be reviewing. Or else I'm in deep, deep, deep shit. The deepest shit." Sean said and sighs. "The first film that I will be taking a look at for Sequelitis Month is _RoboCop 2_."

 **(The title card for "RoboCop 2" is shown as well as clips from the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 22, 1990,** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **is the sequel to Paul Verhoeven's 1987 box-office hit** _ **RoboCop**_ **. But this one is not directed by Verhoeven himself, this time directorial duties have been given to the late Irvin Kershner, who you might recognize him as the director of the best** _ **Star Wars**_ **film ever** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **and the 1983 James Bond movie, which is a remake of** _ **Thunderball**_ **called** _ **Never Say Never Again**_ **. This one is the final film that he directed. The story was written by Frank Miller. That's right, Frank Miller. The man who brought us** _ **Batman: Year One**_ **,** _ **The Dark Knight Returns, 300**_ **and** _ **Sin City**_ **. And the screenplay was written by Miller and** _ **Law & Order**_ **veteran Walon Green. With the first one being a dark, gritty Sci-Fi action thriller, this one took more of a comic book approach.**

"And to promote the movie, RoboCop made a guest appearance on _WCW_ when he rescued Sting from the Four Horseman. _WCW Capital Combat_. Look it up. Rest in peace "Mean" Gene Okerlund." Sean said.

 **(More clips from "RoboCop 2" are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as we love the original we ask ourselves this question: "Is** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **better than** _ **RoboCop**_ **or is it a cheap rehash of the first film or just an unnecessary sequel?"**

"Well, let's not waste any time. Let's take a look at _RoboCop 2_ and find out." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after we get our Orion Pictures logo, we open up on some guy in a parking garage trying to steal a car.**

 **(The thief attempts to steal a car. After he gets in the car, the alarm sound is heard as a metal belt straps him in and he gets electrocuted)**

 _ **Magnavolt Salesman (Played by John Glover): Magnavolt. The final word in auto-security. No embarrassing alarm noise, no need to trouble the police. (He opens the car door and the electrocuted crook falls out before he gets in and starts it up) And it won't even run down your battery.**_

 **(The salesman drives away as the name of the product "Magnavolt" is shown)**

 **Announcer: Magnavolt. Lethal response.**

"Okay, as silly theses commercials were in the first film, this one was pretty awesome. I want one of those cars." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we get our first commercial for the movie, we cut to** _ **MediaBreak**_ **hosted by Casey Wong and Jess Perkins, once again played by Mario Machado and Leeza Gibbons, followed by a small cameo from ED-209. We also learn that there's a new drug going around called Nuke, a deadly designer drug that's highly-addictive. It's so addictive that some guy assassinates Edward Quartermaine from** _ **General Hospital**_ **on live television while he was talking about the stuff.**

 _ **Surgeon General (Played by the late John Ingle): The greatest health threat facing our nation. Nuke. The most addictive narcotic in history. A plague that…**_

 **(An assassin guns down the Surgeon General as a security team apprehend him)**

 _ **Assassin: Nuke! Nuke!**_

"Damn. You know what they say, Nuke is one hell of a drug." Sean said, imitating Rick James from _Chappelle's Show_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to the new villain of the film, the Nuke kingpin named Cain, a power-hungry gang leader with a messiah complex who leads this Nuke cult, played by Tom Noonan the original Francis Dollarhyde from** _ **Manhunter**_ **and The Ripper from** _ **Last Action Hero**_ **.**

 _ **Cain (Played by Tom Noonan): The people want paradise. And they will have it.**_

"Oh, Christ. It's this movie's version of Jim Jones." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After our news report, we see Detroit without a police force since the Detroit Police Department are on strike due to OCP being a bunch of assholes. Crime is running rampant, an old lady gets robbed by some guy, the same guy gets the shit kicked out of him and robbed by some hooker and some guys blow up a gun store and starts robbing it.**

"See? I told you and Mike Trainor was right. Detroit doesn't take a break from being Detroit, it's Detroit every day." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the robbers steal some guns and they shoot the owner and hell they even pick up some rocket launchers, when…**

 _ **Gun Store Robber: I don't believe this!**_

 _ **Chet (Played by Tommy Rosales): What?**_

 _ **Gun Store Robber: It's the cops, man.**_

 _ **Chet: Cops are on strike, stupid.**_

 _ **Robber #1: Can't you hear that?**_

 **(They hear the police siren and check it out as they see a police cruiser headed their way)**

"Oh, you're in trouble now. At least there's one cop who's not out on strike and they're willing to bust some crooks…." Sean said.

 **(One of the robbers, Chet, fires an ATGM Launcher at the police cruiser. He laughs after the rocket hits the car)**

 _ **Chet: Fucking cops!**_

 **(Chet, who's now armed with an M136 AT4 rocket launcher, fires at the police cruiser. Then him and the other robbers shoot at the car with machine guns, riddling it with bullets until it explodes)**

"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed with a stunned look on his face. "So much for the only police officer not on strike. Man, the Detroit Police Department sucks. Oh, wait!"

 **(As the robbers prepare to leave, RoboCop exits his destroyed vehicle, unscathed. One of the robbers look back and notice him. RoboCop pulls out his signature Auto-9 pistol as the robber shoots at him. RoboCop shoots and kills the robber. Chet and the other robber start shooting at RoboCop until Robo takes them both out, leaving only one of the robbers left)**

 _ **RoboCop (Played by Peter Weller): Peace, officer.**_

 **(The gun store robber shoots at RoboCop)**

 _ **RoboCop: Think it over, creep.**_

 **(RoboCop shoots the gun store robber in his shoulder, leaving him alive)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, these robbers didn't expect RoboCop to show up. RoboCop, played once again by Peter Weller, dispatches three of the gun store robbers, leaving only one left alive so he can interrogate him after finding a stash of Nuke in their car.**

 _ **RoboCop: Where is it made?**_

 _ **Gun Store Robber: It's not mine, man. I told you! I'm clean!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Marvel's Spider-Man**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Silver Sable (Voiced by Nichole Elise): You have three seconds.**_

 _ **Spider-Man (Voiced by Yuri Lowenthal): Just put the guns down.**_

 _ **Silver Sable: One…**_

 _ **Spider-Man: We really gonna do this?**_

 _ **Silver Sable: Two…**_

 _ **Spider-Man: SIX! NINE! ELEVENTY-SEVEN!**_

 _ **Silver Sable: Three.**_

 **(RoboCop grabs the robber by his nose)**

 _ **RoboCop: Where is it made?**_

 _ **Gun Store Robber: I don't know, man! All I know is where I get it!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop tracks down where they get their Nuke fix from and decides to drop in.**

 **(RoboCop knocks on the door as one of the henchmen walk up to the door to see who's up front)**

 **Sean: (V/O as henchman) Duh, yes?**

 **(RoboCop punches through the door, hitting the henchman in the chest)**

"Whoa! Guy must've thought that RoboCop was a girl scout or a Jehovah's Witness." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After locking two more henchmen in the fridge so they can chill out, RoboCop stumbles across a drug lab led by some important characters like this Elvis Presley-looking guy named Catzo played by Michael Medeiros, Cain's ho, I mean girlfriend Angie played by Galyn Gorg and Cain happens to be there.**

"Well, this is going to be a short movie. Time to arrest this guy, Robo." Sean said.

 _ **RoboCop: Freeze. Nobody move. This is a bust.**_

 **(Two henchmen show up and start shooting at RoboCop as Cain makes his escape while Robo engages in a shootout with his henchmen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, are these guys a bunch of idiots? After a full year of RoboCop being on the streets, the thugs still don't know that his chassis is impenetrable to their bullets. Have they ever tried aiming for the mouth?**

 **(We cut back to some of the thugs shooting at RoboCop)**

"Aim at the mouth. Aim at the mouth. Aim for the fucking mouth!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Cain makes his escape and kills some woman in his limo. Then, Robo's partner Lewis, once again played by Nancy Allen, arrives and takes out two more thugs. While RoboCop is busy looking for some more criminals to bust, he comes across…**

 **(He sees a boy named Hob, who's armed with a Desert Eagle, but doesn't shoot him)**

 **Sean: (Sighs) This kid.**

 _ **Hob (Played by Gabriel Damon): Can't shoot a kid, can you, fucker?**_

 **(Hob shoots RoboCop in the head, screwing up his systems for a bit)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, this 13-year-old little punk is named Hob, played by Gabriel Damon. And yes, Hob is part of the Nuke Cult.**

"For those of you who grew up watching _The Land Before Time_ , Gabriel Damon played the voice of Littlefoot. So much for my childhood." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, a bullet to a .50 caliber round screws up his systems, causing him to a have a flashback to playing baseball with his son Jimmy. But then Robo snaps out of it when there's some idiot holding a crying baby at gunpoint with an MP5K.**

 _ **Gunman: (While holding the baby hostage) I'll blow it's fucking head off, man!**_

"Criminals are so dumb." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, there's no way that RoboCop is going to let that guy get away that easy.**

 _ **Gunman: I'll kill it, man, I'll do it. I'll fucking kill it!**_

 _ **RoboCop: We can't have that.**_

 **(RoboCop fires his Auto-9 pistol at the freezer door, the bullet bounces off of the door and hits the gunman in the head as Lewis grabs the baby in time)**

 **(A clip from the 2003 film adaptation of** _ **Daredevil**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bullseye (Played by Colin Farrell): Bullseye.**_

 _ **Lewis (Played by Nancy Allen): Nice shooting.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that crime hasn't hit the suburbs as RoboCop decide to check in on his former family and has some flashbacks about getting intimate with his wife Ellen, once again played by Angie Bolling. So, after stalking his ex-wife, Murphy gets his ass chewed out by OCP and this asshat lawyer from OCP named Holzgang, played by Jeff McCarthy a.k.a. David Geddes from** _ **Red Dead Redemption II**_ **.**

 _ **Holzgang (Played by Jeff McCarthy): You have any idea what you're doing to that poor woman? Take a look at her file. Go on.**_

 _ **Delaney (Played by Ken Lerner): Officer, Mrs. Murphy is bringing suit against OCP. I'm Tom Delaney. I'm representing her.**_

"Oh, hi Geoff Schwartz's daddy. Good to see you in a RoboCop movie." Sean said, waving to the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And yes, that Sam Lerner's father and acting coach Ken Lerner from ABC's** _ **The Goldbergs**_ **playing the lawyer Tom Delaney and I'll keep my Lou Schwartz jokes to a minimum.**

 _ **Delaney: Up to a few months ago, she wouldn't leave her bedroom. Then there were the therapists, the hypnotists and harmonic treatments.**_

 _ **Holzgang: And then you pull this shit! Driving past her house day after day.**_

"Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy. He's trying to make sure that his family are safe. What do you want him to do? Don't be a dickhead." Sean said.

"Ugh, lawyers. Not always good." Brian said as he shows footage of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

 _ **Holzgang: Are you Alex Murphy?**_

 _ **RoboCop: No.**_

 _ **Holzgang: Are you human?**_

 _ **RoboCop: No.**_

 _ **Holzgang: You are simply a machine.**_

 _ **RoboCop: I am… a machine.**_

 _ **Holzgang: Nothing more.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Nothing more.**_

"Uh, you idiots do know that he has a brain that you put in there. He's capable to make conscious decisions. So yes, human at the core." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. OCP brainwash him to make him think that he's a machine and they send in his ex-wife so she can see him.**

 _ **Ellen Murphy (Played by Angie Bolling): Alex? Don't you know me? Don't you remember me? Alex, it doesn't matter what they've done to you…**_

 _ **RoboCop: Touch me.**_

 **(Ellen touches his lip)**

 _ **Ellen Murphy: It's cold.**_

 _ **RoboCop: They made this to honor him.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know I would love to say this is one of those sad scenes, which it is, but it just goes nowhere and we don't see his wife again for the rest of the whole movie. So, yeah. This scene is entirely pointless. Anyway, time for another advert.**

 **(Another commercial starts)**

 _ **Yuppie (Played by Martin Casella): I thought all communication systems were the same. I tried to save the company a few bucks. It took two days to download specs from Cleveland. I lost the account.**_

 **(The yuppie businessman pulls out a Walther PP and points it to his temple. We cut to a shot of a photo of a toddler and we hear a gunshot, indicating that the man killed himself. Then we see it's a commercial for OCP Communications. The commercial ends with the title "OCP Communications. The Only Choice")**

We then cut to Sean, who's just sitting there with a horrified look on his face. "What the fuck, movie? That was pretty dark! That's _13 Reasons Why_ -dark. Why would they show us a commercial showing the guy who ripped his face off in _Poltergeist_ being a total wreck and end it with him blowing his fucking brains out while showing us a photo of a toddler. That's pretty fucked up!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Omni Consumer Products, where we're introduced to another character of the film Mayor Kuzak played by Harpo Johnson himself Willard Pugh, who I swear is cross between a preacher at a black church and Chris Tucker. We see Mayor Kuzak and his assistant Poulos played by the late Phil Rubinstein are having a meeting with The Old Man, once again played by Dan O'Herlihy, and Donald Johnson once again played by Felton Perry. We see that The Old Man went from being a well-meaning businessman to evil rich old bastard as he informs Mayor Kuzak that according to the contract that he signed with OCP, Detroit defaults on it's debt and the whole city becomes just another part of OCP's private business.**

 _ **The Old Man (Played by Dan O'Herlihy): We're taking Detroit privately.**_

 _ **Mayor Kuzak (Played by Willard Pugh): You want Detroit to tear itself apart so you can raid it like you would any corporation! Do you know how many people are dying out there? You're murderers.**_

"Wow, so The Old Man is like Donald Trump." Sean said.

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: One last thing gentlemen, we will sue your asses.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Give it your best shot.**_

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: (Yells) Fuck you! You senile old bastard! This is bullshit! Fuck you!**_

"This is bullshit, man! You can't do this to people! Lee! Craig! Big Worm and Carmine Falcone are after me, man! And you know this, man!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Chris Tucker.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know, I'm very confused in this sudden change of character. I know that OCP is staffed by criminals. The Old Man was a well-meaning businessman. Now, he's turned into Mr. Burns and Johnson is Mr. Smithers.**

"One reason sequels suck, sudden character changes." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, what to do about the crime on the streets? Well, Johnson mentions the new face around here is named Dr. Juliette Faxx played by Belinda Bauer, who's planning to help out with the RoboCop 2 program, which seems to be having some trouble.**

 _ **RoboCop 2 Test Subject #1: You are under arrest. Stop or I'll shoot.**_

 **(The first test subject shoots one scientist, a female scientist. Then, shoots the other scientist, a male scientist, in the arm as Johnson ducks for cover until the test subject shoots himself in the head, causing the police sirens on his shoulders to go off.)**

 _ **Johnson (Played by Felton Perry): (On the video) OCP is proud to present the future of urban pacification: RoboCop 2.**_

 **(The second RoboCop 2 test subject is revealed, then he removes his helmet to reveal a screaming skull)**

 _ **The Old Man: Ninety million.**_

"Ninety million for that project?! No wonder Detroit is bankrupt!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's what kind of problems that the RoboCop 2 program due to every case other than Murphy's has led to insane robots with suicidal tendencies. Dr. Faxx here thinks that just the thing, Murphy was not just a cop, he has a strong psychological profile.**

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx (Played by Belinda Bauer): I believe that Murphy's case was unusual but not unique. We can find someone else, someone to whom the prospect might even be desirable.**_

 _ **Johnson: (To the Old Man) I never met anyone who wanted to be a robot.**_

"Dude, have you ever been to the Cincinnati Comic Expo at Duke Convention Center?" Sean asked. "And where would they find a cop like Murphy? They can't be insane or have suicidal tendencies. I mean, Murphy was violently gunned down by Red Foreman and his crew before he became RoboCop. Who would they pick? Maybe that guy?"

Sean turns and points to his left to introduce the next character of the film.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Maybe this clumsy oaf named Officer Duffy, played by the late Stephen Lee. Sure, he can be clumsy but he seems like a good cop….**

 **(Duffy injects some Nuke into his neck)**

"Orrrrrrrrrr he's addicted to that sweet, sweet Nuke. Nuke is one hell of a drug." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, nobody's perfect. Unless you're RoboCop, who's tracked down the little drug-dealing bastard Hob along with Lewis. Seems as though the little punk is there at a game room filled with arcade games from Data East and he's handing out Nuke left and right to teens and then they spot Hob talking to someone.**

 _ **Hob: Better have something to give me this time, officer.**_

 _ **Duffy (Played by the late Stephen Lee): One cop per car. Okay, these are the routes. Three cars.**_

Sean gasps in shock. "It turns out that the cop who we were introduced to who happens to be a bad guy just so happens to be a bad guy. Oh, my God. Subtle, movie. Real subtle."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's time to break up the party as Robo creates a distraction.**

 _ **RoboCop: (To the teenagers) Isn't this a school day?**_

 **(The teens start throwing food at RoboCop as Hob and Gilette, played by George Cheung make their escape until Lewis catches them)**

 _ **Lewis: Turn around. Put your hands up.**_

 **(As Lewis is about to arrest Hob and Gilette, Hob pulls out a DEB M21 submachine gun. Lewis kicks the gun up, causing Hob to fire up in the air. The teens start hearing gunfire as they flee the scene screaming)**

"Wow, I never thought that a kid so Disney Channel clean would be packing heat. Punk-ass little bastard. I mean, seriously. How can I take this kid being a drug kingpin seriously? Come on, movie. You're killin' me here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Hob tries to kill Lewis with a fiber wire but she manages to get him off of her. While all that is going down, Duffy tries to make a run for it but gets caught by RoboCop and Robo does what he do best, beat the living shit out of him until he gives him an answer. And he does it by throwing him into and slamming his face into arcade games from Data East.**

"You know what's funny? We see a couple of games from Data East like _Midnight Resistance_ , _Sly Spy_ and _Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja_. They're the ones that brought us that shitty RoboCop video game back in 1988." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after beating the shit out of the crooked cop, Duffy finally gives him Cain's location.**

 _ **Duffy: River Rouge. The old sludge plant.**_

 **(RoboCop grabs Duffy by his hair)**

 _ **RoboCop: You're a rotten cop.**_

 **(RoboCop then throws Duffy)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, RoboCop heads down to the old sludge plant by himself. Without any backup. Like that's going to end well. As he arrives, he uses his police cruiser as a distraction until it hits a land mine. Then, Robo investigates Cain's hideout when this happens.**

 **(Some of Cain's thugs start shooting at RoboCop)**

"Really? You just wasted some perfectly good ammo on him, you fucking morons." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During his investigation, RoboCop comes across a photo of Mother Teresa, a photo of Jesus, some Elvis memorabilia and Elvis' dead body. What kind of crazy cult is this? And then, he finally comes across the evil Cain, which will probably leave someone dead. Probably Cain.**

 _ **Cain: You want me?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Dead or alive?**_

 _ **Cain: Then one of us must die.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Dead, then.**_

"Alright, Murphy. Kill him. You can end him right away so this movie could end." Sean said.

 **(Hob fires a Browning M2 Aircraft machine gun fitted with Crew Served Weapon sight to shoot off RoboCop's gun hand)**

"Dude!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.

 **(Angie fires an EMP harpoon at RoboCop)**

"Where the hell did she get that?" Sean asked.

 **Cain: Jesus had days like this. Hounded and attacked like a criminal. But like him, I don't blame you. They program you, and you do it.**

"Where the fuck are they getting military-grade weapons?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop shorts out Angie's EMP harpoon and tries to go after Cain, but then gets knocked down by a crane and picked up by a magnet and gets torn apart by Cain's men.**

 **(We see some of Cain's men dismantling RoboCop with a jackhammer and a saw and a drill while Hob sprays oil on Robo's face)**

 _ **Hob: How's it taste?**_

 **(RoboCop screams)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And they send him back to the Detroit Police Department in pieces.**

 _ **Whittaker (Played by Roger Aaron Brown): Christ, he's been stripped.**_

"Oh, no. They destroyed RoboCop. And it gives them a chance to show off that amazing puppetry." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. RoboCop is having a shitty day and OCP won't do anything to help by fixing him up because he needs millions of dollars in parts. And speaking of shitty days, remember Officer Duffy? Well, Cain does. And because of him ratting him out to RoboCop, he has to be dealt with, by playing some Surgeon Simulator.**

 _ **Hack Doctor (Played by Gary Bullock): Maybe you ought to have the kid leave.**_

 _ **Cain: Why?**_

 _ **Duffy: What do you mean, "have the kid leave"? (Chuckles) That's a good touch. That's a good touch. "Have the kid leave." That's good. "Have the kid leave." Why?**_

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe to kill you, you stupid idiot!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **(Cain has Duffy vivisected in front of Angie and Hob as Duffy screams in horror)**

"Jesus!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Angie (Played by Galyn Gorg): You said you were just gonna scare him!**_

 _ **Cain: (Taking pleasure in seeing the corrupt cop cut open) Doesn't he look scared?**_

 **(Cain then forces Hob to watch)**

"Thanks a lot, movie! Now I'm going to have nightmares about that scene for the rest of my life!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at OCP, we see that Dr. Faxx has begun screening candidates for the RoboCop 2 program, criminals for the program to give them the virtual immortality they can offer. Which doesn't sit well for Dr. Schenk, played by John Doolittle.**

 _ **Schenk (Played by John Doolittle): These are death row inmates!**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: And of no use to society. Schenk, we need a subject who'll welcome the power, the virtual immortality we offer. Now, I really think this is a good place to start looking.**_

 _ **Schenk: You're out of your mind.**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: Is that your professional opinion?**_

 _ **Schenk: Yes, goddamn it, it is! Yes! And you are not using my lab to put that kind of a brain into my cyborg.**_

"Okay, who's idea was to hire that bitch into this company. Who in their right mind would want to put the brain of a criminal inside a cyborg?" Sean asked

 **(A clip from** _ **Monty Python's The Meaning of Life**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Fifth Fish (Played by Michael Palin): Beats me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after hearing about what Faxx is doing to the RoboCop 2 program, Johnson speaks to the Old Man, who's busy with his morning hot tub and tells him about the news.**

 _ **Johnson: She's screening psychotics, sir. Murderers.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Well, we aren't planning to build a toy, Johnson. Faxx knows what she's doing.**_

"Dude, did you even hear a word that he said?" Sean asked.

 _ **Johnson: She's keeping RoboCop offline. It's a public-relations disaster.**_

 _ **The Old Man: You've got to learn to look at the larger picture. The foreclosure. You must know how important that is to us.**_

 _ **Johnson: Yes, sir….**_

 _ **The Old Man: With RoboCop out of commission, the chaos down there will increase and so will the odds of the city will fall into our hands.**_

"Besides, we've got to have money." Sean said, imitating the Old Man.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the police station, we see that RoboCop's condition has gone from bad to worse to holy shit he's about to die, when he suffers a system failure. Uh, any explanation to why he's having a system failure? Is he having a nightmare? Oh, fuck it. It's never explained or brought up again. Next, we see that Dr. Faxx is at a board meeting with the OCP Board of Directors and they start talking about RoboCop's set of directives and they figure it's time to update the program.**

 _ **Board Member #1: We're getting a lot of heat from parent's groups. Personally, I don't blame them. I'm a parent myself.**_

 _ **Board Member #2: All that destructive behavior. He's become a role model for our children. Now, what are we teaching them?**_

"Fuck you, lady! The kids love RoboCop. There are toys, video games and a cartoon series that kids watch. I should know because I'm one of those kids." Sean said.

 _ **Board Member #3: If he just talked things out with people instead of firing that big gun of his.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Dirty Harry**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Harry Callahan (Played by Clint Eastwood): I didn't start shooting at anyone who didn't start shooting at me first.**_

 _ **Board Member #4: He could speak out on environmental issues.**_

"Uh, they already have a character for that and he's created by Ted Turner." Sean said, mentioning the animated series _The Adventures of Captain Planet_.

 _ **Board Member #5: For all the shooting he does, I've never once seen him take the time to do anything nice like visit an orphanage.**_

 _ **Johnson: You're absolutely right. Or help a cat out of a tree or go door to door collecting for the Red Cross or maybe even roasting some marshmallows with some Cub Scouts.**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: Why, Mr. Johnson, that is wonderful. Thank you so much.**_

"Can I give you idiots three words? "Law Enforcement Unit"! Do any of you fucktards go outside? I guess this is what the board meeting was like when they decide to make RoboCop kid-friendly for the third film at Orion Pictures." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Down at the lab, Dr. Faxx tries to improve RoboCop by importing a new set of directives into his firmware.**

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: What is it you think you are?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Alex Murphy.**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: That's a delusion. It's a glitch in your system. Alex Murphy is dead.**_

"Lady, if you're trying to convince him that he's just a machine and nothing more, machines aren't delusional! Sure, they tend to fuck up once and a while but they don't get delusional. Take a look at Michael Crichton's movie Runaway, it shows us that machines tend to get screwy and kill people. But they don't get delusional." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Dr. Faxx reprograms him, Robocop is repaired and back on duty and he's more chipper than ever.**

 _ **Sgt. Reed (Played by the late Robert DoQui): How you feeling, Murphy?**_

 _ **RoboCop: I'm just fine, Warren. Thank you for asking.**_

"Oh, my God. What have they done to him?" Sean asked. "He's turned into a Saturday morning cartoon character."

 _ **Lewis: Ready for duty, partner?**_

 _ **RoboCop: You betcha.**_

 _ **Lewis: Let's go.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Nothing I'd rather do.**_

 _ **Estevez (Played by Wanda De Jesus): He sounds terrific.**_

 _ **RoboCop Technician: Something's wrong.**_

"And you're about to see what's wrong in what I could say, the most enjoyable part of the film." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a baseball little league team robbing an electronics store with their coach and as RoboCop and Lewis arrive, Robo doesn't do anything.**

 **(RoboCop walks over to the baseball coach while Lewis hides behind cover and shoots at the armed coach)**

 _ **Lewis: Murph!**_

 _ **RoboCop: I think we should talk.**_

 **(Lewis shoots the baseball coach in the head)**

 _ **Lewis: What's with you, Murph?**_

 **Sean: (V/O) You're about to find out now.**

 _ **RoboCop: (Starts reading the Miranda rights to the dead baseball coach) You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.**_

 _ **Lewis: He's dead, Murphy.**_

 _ **RoboCop: You have the right to an attorney….**_

 _ **Lewis: You're reading Miranda to a corpse!**_

 **(RoboCop releases the dead man)**

 _ **RoboCop: I'm having trouble.**_

"He'll be back to his old self in no time." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While they're about to arrest the little league robbers, RoboCop tries to talk to them like a Saturday morning cartoon mixed with inspiration bumper sticker quotes on the back of cars.**

 _ **RoboCop: Though you may think you're having fun now, but you only hurt the one you love. Think of Mom and Dad. What kind of lesson are you teaching them? And now, a word on nutrition.**_

 _ **Little League Kid: Shit! He's fucked up!**_

 _ **RoboCop: Bad language makes for bad feelings.**_

"Well, pardon fucking me." Sean scoffed.

"Ugh, what did they turn him into?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The little league kids just run off and RoboCop does nothing to stop them and at this point Lewis is certain that OCP has done something to him, even if Robo swears that he's okay. And then they stumble across something more evil than little league robbers, kids wasting city water by playing with the water hydrant.**

"Now why would RoboCop stop something so silly yet so fun? Well, maybe it's a good thing." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Robo tries to give them a motivational speech about wasting water.**

 _ **RoboCop: Waste makes haste, for time is fleeting. A rolling stone is worth two in the bush.**_

 _ **Brat: Go fuck a refrigerator, pecker neck!**_

 **(The children laugh at RoboCop as RoboCop grabs the boy)**

 _ **RoboCop: Bad language makes for bad feelings.**_

"Yeah, Peter Weller should know because one time he had a kid cursing at him.

 **(A clip from the 1984 film** _ **Firstborn**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Brian Livingston (Played by the late Corey Haim): (To Sam) Eat shit, dick face! You're not my father!**_

 **(Brian runs to his room and closes the door behind him while Sam tries to go after him)**

 _ **Sam (Played by Peter Weller): Come here, you little prick!**_

 **(RoboCop turns and sees a man smoking a cigarette)**

 _ **RoboCop: Back!**_

 **(He pulls out his Auto-9 pistol and starts shooting at the man, making him drop his cigarette)**

 _ **RoboCop: Thank you for not smoking.**_

"Why thank you for that Public Service Announcement, Murphy. What's next you're gonna do a fried chicken commercial for Korea? Yes, that actually happened. Look that up on YouTube." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We immediately find out that OCP has loaded RoboCop with over 300 new directives causing his odd behavior. After one of the technicians reveal that maybe they can be reversed if they could run a thousand bolts into him and in Robo's case, he heads outside to a power box and fries the ever-loving shit out of himself.**

 _ **Stef (Played by Mark Rolston): Why the hell would he do that?**_

 _ **Lewis: OCP gave him crazy commands. Fried himself to get rid of them.**_

"I would've done the same too if someone gave me crazy commands." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, RoboCop survives after electrocuting himself and it somehow deletes all of his directives, including his original prime directives, allowing his human brain to be in complete control.**

 _ **RoboCop: Are we cops?**_

 _ **Whittaker: What's bugging you, Murph?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Cain. Cain's bugging me.**_

"And you want to know what else is bugging, Murph?" Sean points to his right.

 **(A RoboCop drug PSA for The Boys & Girls Club is shown)**

 _ **Lewis: What's bugging you, Murphy?**_

 _ **RoboCop: Drugs. Drugs bug me.**_

 _ **Peter Weller: Hi, that was Nancy Allen and me. I'm Peter Weller, the guy behind that mask. If you're a kid please listen for a second. How do you keep away from drugs? They're everywhere. Sometimes even at home. But there is one place you can go that is 100% drug-free. No pot, no pills, no crack, no smack, no coke, no exceptions. The Boys & Girls Club, it beats the streets. No kidding.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Detroit police officers end the police strike as they join RoboCop and Lewis to bring that psychopath Cain to justice. Oh, yeah and we get a cameo by Frank Miller, who plays a Nuke drug technician. Anyway, RoboCop, Lewis and the picketing officers raid Cain's hideout and as they enter the hideout an unsuspecting sniper takes aim at Robo and…**

 **(RoboCop spots the sniper and shoots him through the scope, hitting him in his eye)**

"Bulls-eye!" Sean shouted.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get an impressive firefight between Cain's thugs and the Detroit PD and we also see some of Robo's impressive shooting skills.**

 **(RoboCop starts shooting some of Cain's men without looking, hitting every single one of them)**

"Alright, Murphy. We get it. You're a crack shot. No need to show off." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While all that's going down, Hob and Angie make their escape as well as Cain, but not until RoboCop catches up with the guy. And it ends with the two of them in a tense game of Chicken, with RoboCop on a motorcycle and Cain in an armored truck.**

 **(RoboCop drives into Cain and jumps through the windshield and severely wounds him, causing the truck to drive out of control. We then see five hundred million in cash coming out the back of the truck. We then cut to MediaBreak)**

 _ **Jess Perkins (Played by Leeza Gibbons): Five hundred million in cash. Nuke money seized by police. But State Attorney Sphincter won't let the bankrupt city government touch it.**_

"Whoa, wait a minute. Did you just call them tight asses?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jess Perkins: State Attorney Sphincter…**_

"I clearly heard her say "Sphincter". She just called them tight asses." Sean said. "And now, a word from Alotta Fagina."

 **(A Sunblock 5000 commercial is shown)**

 _ **Sunblock Woman (Played by Fabiana Undenio): They say 20 seconds in the California sunshine is too much these days ever since we lost the ozone layer. But that was before Sunblock 5000. Just apply a pint to your body and you're good for hours. See you by the pool.**_

 _ **Announcer: Sunblock 5000. Protection for the new age.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Alotta Fagina (Played by Fabiana Undenio): How dare you break wind before me?**_

 _ **Austin Powers (Played by Mike Myers): I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know it was your turn. (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at OCP, we see that Dr. Faxx has found the perfect candidate for the RoboCop 2 program and it is none other than Cain. What?!**

"Is this lady out of her fucking mind? She just picked this guy, a drug kingpin who murders people and he's psychotic for the RoboCop 2 program and give him the chance of immortality. What were these idiots thinking giving her that job?!" Sean asked, yelling at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Hob and Angie are trying to bust Cain from the hospital but Hob says forget about Cain because he's taking over Cain's drug empire. Okay, this movie is getting stupid. How can I buy this kid being a drug kingpin. I'm not buying it. I just find it dumb, so just forget about that. Let's get back to Dr. Faxx. She's picked the perfect candidate for the RoboCop 2 program so she heads down to the hospital and offers Cain a chance for immortality.**

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: I'm afraid we lost our patient. Yeah, he just expired. Contact the organ harvest team. Make it fast, we've got six minutes before the brain's useless.**_

 **(Dr. Faxx hangs up the phone)**

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: Night.**_

 **(She shuts off Cain's life support systems)**

"Okay, so she committed straight-up murder and gross corporate negligence. Boy, her rap sheet rapidly growing." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And it gives the special effects team to be fairly gross with the operation and to please gore hounds.**

 **(During the surgical procedure to remove Cain's brain, the Operation commercial jingle from circa 1990s starts playing throughout the whole scene)**

 _ **Dr. Weltman: (After they remove Cain's brain) Excellent. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm hungry.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we see that they saved Cain's brain, along with his eyeballs.**

"Only he has the brains to rule Detroit." Sean said, imitating Andross' real final form from _Star Fox 64_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that successful operation, we see that the Mayor is holding a telethon on live television to save…**

 **(Sean sees a contortionist playing Born to Be Wild on the violin)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the fuuuuuuuuuuuck?**

"Okay, that is a weird telethon that I'm watching. And if I want to see someone do some contorting, I'd rather watch Madison Ivy and Mia Malkova put their legs behind their heads in some kinky sex." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Mayor Kuzak holds a fundraiser on television to help save Detroit until he is contacted by Hob and Angie and sets up a meeting with him to try to pay off the city's debt. And back at OCP, we see that Kuzak's assistant Poulos is an OCP mole.**

 _ **The Old Man: If the city can pay, we'll be humiliated.**_

 _ **Johnson: I think it's worse than that, sir. We've shifted 80 percent of our liquid resources to the urban pacification plan. If we can't foreclose, public confidence in OCP will plummet, so will our stock.**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: Sir? If I may? There's another option. We certainly have the surveillance capabilities to follow the mayor. It all depends on how far we're willing to go.**_

"You know in the last film, Dickhead Jones proved a point by murdering Bob Morton. Now, you're leading the deaths of people left and right. Couldn't you just say, let's kill the son of a bitch and get it over with?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And how does she intend to do it, you might ask. Well, we see that RoboCop 2 is just about ready and Cain's consciousness is represented by state-of-the-art early 1990s CGI. His brain powering the robot, however, has it downsides though as he is addicted to Nuke, so for him to have all the Nuke he'll ever need, Dr. Faxx sends RoboCop 2 on his first assignment. And that is to eliminate Mayor Kuzak and the rest of the Nuke Cult. Anyway, with Mayor Kuzak, we see that he's meeting with Hob, who's now taking over Cain's drug operation. He's willing to bail out the Mayor with 50 million dollars. But before he could give him the money, here comes Cain ready to break up the whole deal.**

 **(RoboCain opens the door as Hob turns around and the Mayor and a couple of thugs spot him)**

 _ **Hob: What the hell is that?**_

"That's my initial reaction after seeing a kid in a _RoboCop_ movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, RoboCain starts eliminating every thug that he sees, including Poulos. While searching for the Mayor, Cain runs into Angie and he reveals himself to her.**

 _ **Angie: Cain. Oh, wow. You look great.**_

 **(Angie seductively touches Cain's claw while 70's porno music starts playing in the background)**

 _ **Angie: It'll take some getting used to but it'll be great, Cain.**_

"Oh, yeah. Cain is packing with a high-powered vibrator that will make you cu…." Sean said as he gets interrupted.

 **(The record scratches as RoboCain grabs Angie by her face, crushing her skull and kills her)**

"Well….. shit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While the Mayor tries to escape, RoboCain spots Hob and tries to eliminate him, but one of Hob's henchmen shoot at RoboCain but the menacing cyborg kills him, in which Hob hides in the armored truck.**

 **(RoboCain starts shooting at the armored truck)**

"Oh, he'll be fine. Nothing bad is gonna happen to him. Maybe." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mayor Kuzak gets away from RoboCain and RoboCop arrives at the scene right after RoboCain leaves. He investigates the scene of the crime, showing a bunch of bodies that he left in his wake, only for Robo to come across….**

 **(RoboCop finds a mortally wounded Hob)**

 _ **Hob: I'm cold.**_

 _ **RoboCop: You are going into shock. I will call for a medical emergency unit.**_

 _ **Hob: Wait. No. Don't leave me.**_

 _ **RoboCop: I won't leave you.**_

"Movie, is this your attempt of making me feel sorry for that little punk-ass bastard? Because I'm not feeling sorry for him. The kid got what he deserved. If I played Littlefoot's mother's death scene from _The Land Before Time_ and this scene together, then I wouldn't feel sorry.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Land Before Time**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mother (Voiced by Helen Shaver): Dear sweet Littlefoot. Do you remember the way to the Great Valley?**_

 _ **Littlefoot (Voiced by Gabriel Damon): I guess so…**_

 **(We switch back to Hob's death scene in** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **)**

 _ **Hob: I'm cold.**_

 _ **RoboCop: You are going into shock.**_

 **(We switch back to** _ **The Land Before Time**_ **)**

 _ **Littlefoot: But why do I have to know? You're gonna be with me!**_

 _ **Mother: I'll be with you…even if you can't see me.**_

 _ **Littlefoot: Mother… mother?**_

 **(We switch back to** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **)**

 _ **Hob: I'm gonna die. You know what that's like, don't you? It really sucks.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Yes.**_

"See? I didn't feel sorry one bit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as RoboCop) Farewell, sweet Littlefoot. May you join your mother in the Great Valley in the sky and eat all the star leaves you can muster.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, before Hob dies, he identifies that the attacker was Cain. So with the Mayor still kicking, OCP hasn't slowed down their unveiling ceremony for Delta City at the Civic Centrum. Hell, the building is waving a red flag with a white circle and a black symbol. Nice, real subtle. OCP's a bunch of Nazis. Anyway, Mayor Kuzak arrives to tell The Old Man that he won't get away with this.**

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: Won't be much room for neighborhoods, huh? Not like the kind we all grew up in.**_

 _ **The Old Man: These days neighborhoods just seem to be places where bad things happen. Don't be nostalgic.**_

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: What about democracy? Nobody elected you.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Anyone can buy OCP stock and own a piece of our city. What could be more democratic than that?**_

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: Well let me tell you there are a lot of people in this town that can't afford to buy your stock! And they're not going to let you get away with this.**_

 _ **The Old Man: You haven't been following the polls. Sit down.**_

"And if you interrupt me again, I'll start playing the Silver Shamrock song over and over again just to irritate you." Sean said, imitating The Old Man.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, during the unveiling of Delta City, The Old Man unveils RoboCop 2 and Mayor Kuzak almost craps his pants from seeing the menacing cyborg after witnessing it killing everybody. And The Old Man does the most stupidest thing by presenting a cannister of Nuke, resulting in RoboCop 2 going berserk over the Nuke.**

 **Sean: (V/O as RoboCain): (RoboCop 2 tries to grab the Nuke from The Old Man) Give me the Nuke, Old Man! Give it to me! Give me the stuff! Give it to me before I rip out your fucking spine!**

"Boy, Mr. Burns is not that bright to bring in an industrial-sized tube of that stuff. Nuke is one hell of a drug." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, RoboCop is here and he's armed with a Cobra assault cannon to bring down the killer cyborg.**

 _ **RoboCop: Cain! Let's step outside.**_

 **(RoboCain sees RoboCop and aims his minigun at him)**

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: You! Get out of here! You're obsolete!**_

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: That thing is a killer!**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: It's not even armed! It's harmless!**_

 _ **Mayor Kuzak: It's a killer, and I saw it!**_

 **(RoboCain grabs the remote from out of Faxx's hand and activates his weapons. RoboCain fires his minigun at RoboCop and starts attacking the crowd)**

"Okay. Everybody at OCP are idiots. First ED-209 and now RoboCop 2. Just another fucked up creation by these people who are not good at their job." Sean said.

 **(RoboCop keep shooting RoboCain with his Cobra assault cannon until RoboCain shoots him with a shoulder-mounted cannon)**

 _ **The Old Man: Behave yourselves!**_

"Yeah, like that's gonna help. Just yell "Behave yourselves" to two cyborgs trying to kill each other." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get ten straight minutes of an epic death battle between RoboCop and RoboCain, which leads to an elevator which they do an** _ **Injustice 2**_ **-style stage transition to the roof, leading to another stage transition to the boiler room. And it leads to a shootout between the Detroit Police Department and RoboCain and I have to say that the police are being idiots for wasting their ammo on that cyborg and the reporters are stupid as well because they are willing to get themselves killed for the story of a lifetime.**

"Can you imagine if I did something like that?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Taylor: (as reporter Meghan Sabara) Good evening, I'm Meghan Sabara. Tonight's top story, there's pandemonium going on at OCP's Civic Centrum as OCP's latest creation RoboCop 2 goes out of control. Reporter Daryl Trainor is on the scene. Daryl, can you tell me what's going on?**

 **Sean: (as reporter Daryl Trainor) Meghan, it's a war zone out there. What was supposed to the unveiling of Delta City has turned into a nightmare…**

 **(Sean almost gets shot by RoboCop 2 and goes ghetto in three seconds)**

 **Sean: Shit! Fuck this, I'm outta here. No, no fuck my contract! I'm gettin' out of this joint! Trying to get me killed in this motherfucking war zone.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Lewis had the smart idea by running over RoboCain with a tank. But that doesn't work, there's only thing left to do. And that's by giving Cain the Nuke. Lewis gives Cain the canister of Nuke and he administers it himself as he begins to feel the effects from the drug, giving RoboCop a chance to mount the mechanical monstrosity like a friggin' bull at a rodeo and rips out his brain.**

 _ **RoboCop: Goodbye.**_

 **(RoboCop crushes Cain's brain, ending the killer cyborg's rampage)**

"Hey, only RoboCop has the brains to destroy you." Sean said as he begins to hear the sound of crickets chirping. "Get it? Yeah, RoboCop has a human brain and Cain's brain has been ripped out. Nevermind."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After RoboCain's been defeated, OCP has to deal with the negative press but Johnson could think of an easier way out that they can use.**

 _ **Johnson: What if this was the work of one individual? A person who had her own agenda that wasn't in sync with the goals of our company?**_

 _ **The Old Man: Well, that usually works.**_

 _ **Johnson: A woman who was not a team player. Who violated our trust.**_

"Here's a hint: she's a doctor, she's responsible for choosing the brain and she's crazy. And she also has an Australian accent." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speak of the devil, here comes Dr. Faxx, the she-devil of a witch.**

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: My God, you're alright. I was so worried I thought it was going to hurt you.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Now, now. It's over. It's all over.**_

 _ **Dr. Juliette Faxx: I've failed you.**_

 _ **The Old Man: Don't be so hard on yourself. Everything's going to be all right.**_

"Hey, she was the one that chose the brain and you encouraged her and pushed her forward in that area of expertise and you're willing to let her take the fall just to save your own wrinkly, old ass? Boy, you are Mr. Burns!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, The Old Man and Dr. Faxx leave the Civic Centrum, avoiding any questions from the reporters… and that's it.**

 _ **Lewis: That son of a bitch is getting away with it. We can't even touch him.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Patience, Lewis. We're only human.**_

"What the hell kind of reasoning is that?" Sean asked. "You know what, forget it. So, that was RoboCop 2. It's not as good as the original film but I still find it enjoyable."

 **(Clips from** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **are shown again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It was bright and comical than the first film. They kept most of the same characters. It has some nice action and some impressive effects for 1990 and a simple enough story to follow. But the climatic battle between RoboCop and Cain felt like something out of** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **and** _ **Injustice 2**_ **. The big change in** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **was that the movie was light-hearted and fun as opposed to the original which was dark and had a sort of tragedy to it. The characters, well how should I put it? Some of them were good and some of them were not. Lewis was a fine character but doesn't do much in the whole movie. Peter Weller was amazing as always as RoboCop, I loved Tom Noonan's performance as Cain. And let's talk about the character Hob. What were they thinking? It felt like I was watching a brutal Disney Channel show. I liked Gabriel Damon's performance but I didn't care for the character. Anyway,** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **is still a fun movie. If you happen to stumble upon it, then check it out.** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **is getting 3 Nuke symbols out of 5.**

"Okay, so that's one movie down. Four left. Sequelitis Month has just begun. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you next time." Sean said as he leaves the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Thank you for not smoking.**_

 **And that's all for the first part of Sequelitis Month for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope that you enjoyed the review of** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **. Next up, Sequelitis Month continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **, the worst** _ **RoboCop**_ **film ever made. Will it make him go insane? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for the next chapter. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	52. Sequelitis Month Part II: RoboCop 3

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Good evening, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sequelitis Month continues when Sean takes a look at the worst sequel ever made. And that sequel is** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **. So, what went wrong with this movie? We'll you're about to find out right now. So here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is owned by Orion Pictures and MGM.**

 **Sequelitis Month Part II: RoboCop 3**

We see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room. He's still in a bad mood as he looks bored, resting his head on his hand before looking at the camera and makes his introduction with a disgruntled look on his face as if he didn't want to do the review.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic that rips movies and shitty sequels a new one." Sean said. "Well, guess what? I have a little surprise for you. We're still in Sequelitis Month!"

 **(The title card for "Sequelitis Month" appears with the announcer saying "What time is it? It's sequel time!" and Sean saying "Yay" in a not-so ecstatic voice and this time Sean is making a raging look on his face)**

"What am I doing? No, seriously. What the hell am I doing? I already reviewed two of these movies and I enjoyed both of them. When I was a kid, I didn't even know that there was a third film. And when I saw it for the first time on SyFy, I…. I…. I lost all my brain cells from watching it. You see, we're about to stumble on what I could call it the worst sequel ever made. I'm in some deep shit, some serious, serious, serious deep shit. And of course you didn't know, I'm about to review _RoboCop 3_." Sean said.

 **(The title card for "RoboCop 3" is shown, followed by clips of the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie is scum! It is pond scum, well it's sewer shit scum! The first one was an awesome film with an iconic hero, awesome stop-motion animation, awesome action and some of the goriest over-the-top violence that would appeal to any action film junkie like me. It's a film that I watched when I was a young and yeah, I'm not supposed to be watching this movie when I was young but hey I watched it anyway. And then there was** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **, I watched it as well and I thought it was a decent sequel. Although** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **got mixed reviews, it's not a bad film. And when I found out about** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **when I was like seven years old and I was at Blockbuster Video with my mom and I rented** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **, I didn't even know that there was a third** _ **RoboCop**_ **film. I knew about** _ **RoboCop**_ **and** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **because I watched them… the edited versions. And yes, Mom had them on tape that she recorded from a movie channel. She had** _ **RoboCop**_ **on a tape with** _ **Beverly Hills Cop II**_ **that she recorded on Showtime and** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **on a tape with** _ **Total Recall**_ **on The Movie Channel. I watched them as well. Anyway during the late '80s and early '90s.** _ **RoboCop**_ **was pretty popular with the kids with comics, video games, toys and an animated series, the executives at Orion Pictures figured that they should make a third film but here's the catch, they need to make the third RoboCop film kid-friendly. What resulted was this piece of shit and already I have a problem with it. I'll give you two letters and one number: PG-13.**

"Really? You want to turn RoboCop, an ultra-violent film that's really gory with scenes like this." Sean points to the left.

 **(Murphy's death scene from the first film is shown)**

"And make it kid-friendly?" Sean asked. "Okay, who are the idiots involved with this movie?"

Sean picks up his Blu-Ray collector's edition of _RoboCop 3_ from off of the coffee table to read the back of the DVD to see who's involved with this film.

"Fred Dekker? Wait, that's the guy who directed _The Monster Squad_ and _Night of the Creeps_. He's also written _House_ and _House II: The Second Story_. Not to mention he's written two films in 1991, _If Looks Could Kill_ and _Ricochet_." Sean said as he continues to read the cast and crew involved with this movie. His eyes widened in shock when he noticed another name he spotted. "Frank Miller! We already know what he did! What the hell happened?!"

 **(The film opens with a CGI city, which is supposed to be a commercial for Delta City)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film opens with a CGI city…**

"Oh, God! It's turned into the _Spider-Man_ cartoon that they showed on Fox Kids!" Sean exclaimed referencing the CGI New York City from _Spider-Man_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually it's an advert for Delta City, OCP's big ambitious project. Because really, they're still going with that after that incident involving a killer cyborg with the brain of a drug kingpin. And question, who's going to live there after they demolish the old buildings and turn it into a shiny new super-city?**

"Really? They're still gonna do that?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we cut to** _ **MediaBreak**_ **hosted by Casey Wong and his new co-anchor Debbie Dix, played by Mario Machado and Eva LaRue.**

"Who you might recognize her as Natalia Boa Vista from _CSI: Miami_ and Dr. Maria Santos Grey in the ABC soap opera _All My Children_." Sean said. "Oh, God. I watch too much soap operas to recognize these actors."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we learn in the news report that they've been owned by a Japanese company known as the Kanemitsu Corporation. OCP is still going through with the Delta City project and they create an armed force called Urban Rehabilitators or "Rehabs", they're under the command of this guy Paul McDaggett, played by John Castle.**

 _ **McDaggett (Played by John Castle): We're here to help the people, augment the police force and deal with the gang problem.**_

 _ **Reporter: What about reports you're actually rousting people from their homes to make way for construction of Delta City?**_

 _ **McDaggett: I won't deny we're serving an eviction notice or two but most of these people have already taken their urine tests and placement exams. They've got new jobs waiting for them. We're just helping them make the transition, that's all. We're cops, nothing more.**_

 _ **Reporter: Nothing more?**_

 _ **McDaggett: Well, we're not robots, if that's what you mean.**_

"Okay, so you got a character with grey hair, wears a suit and he speaks with a British accent. I'm just gonna call it, he's going to be the cliched villain of the film." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And since this is a RoboCop film for the whole family, they've got to add a kid in there. Meet Nikko, a seven-year-old Japanese-American computer whiz who does calculus on her laptop.**

"Because really when we were her age we did calculus on our laptops. Like many seven year olds do." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nikko is played by Remy Ryan, who's not Japanese-American. We see that she lives with her parents in Cadillac Heights and she's worried about the neighborhood being a war zone outside.**

 _ **Nikko (Played by Remy Ryan): Is it true what the TV said? That it's a war zone outside?**_

 _ **Nikko's Dad (Played by John Posey): Don't listen to what the TV says. This is your home, you hear me? And you're safe here.**_

 **(A wrecking ball comes crashing through Nikko's room as Miley Cyrus'** _ **Wrecking Ball**_ **starts playing)**

"No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! NO! This movie is not worthy of the Wrecking Ball joke. No. In fact, it's worthy of this joke." Sean said.

 **(We see the scene where the wrecking ball comes crashing through Nikko's room, followed by a clip from** _ **Daffy Duck's Quackbusters**_ **where a wrecking ball comes crashing through Daffy's office and we see Daffy Duck on the wrecking ball, screaming)**

"Much better." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see that the Rehabs are not the good people who we think that they are, in reality they're just a group of evil asshole kicking everybody out of their homes in Cadillac Heights. And while all that is going on, they feel the need to throw the title in.**

 **(We see the title of the movie appear on the screen)**

"Boy, the title of the movie should be lucky that it didn't injure anyone while they're walking through the street." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Rehab Officer) All right, let's go! Move it, move it, move it!**

 **Brian: (V/O as Rehab Officer) Hey, Fred. Shouldn't we look out for the giant number three?**

 **Sean: What giant number three, Barn?**

 **Brian: That giant number three coming right at us.**

 **(The number "3" in the title of the movie pops up and we hear Sean yelling after he gets hit with it)**

 **Sean: My leg!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see that the Rehabs are marching through Cadillac Heights and kicking everybody out and tear everything down for the construction of Delta City.**

 _ **Elderly Woman in Bathrobe (Played by Edith Ivey): For God's sake, help us!**_

 _ **Rehab #1 (Played by Curtis Taylor): That's what we're here for, ma'am.**_

 **(The Rehab Officer pulls back on the chamber of his Muzzelite MZ14 Bullpup rifle)**

 _ **Rehab #1: Just get on the bus.**_

"If you don't do as I say, I'm not afraid to kill an old bitch." Sean said, imitating the Rehab Officer while holding an uzi.

 _ **Betha (Played by CCH Pounder): Don't believe them! They'll throw us into the streets to die like rats! Nazi sons of bitches!**_

 **(McDagget hits Bertha in the face with the butt of the rifle, then hands it to the Rehab officer)**

 _ **McDaggett: Shoot her if you have to, but get her out of here.**_

"Boy, if this movie isn't going for subtlety, I say that this villain is no way inspired by Adolph Hitler and the Rehabs are the Nazis rounding up the citizens of Cadillac Heights and putting them into concentration camps like the stormtroopers moving into Poland." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **RoboCop**_ **and** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this is the problem with this film because in the first two films dealt with the enemy being big business and you have these corrupt businessmen and a lot of industrial espionage. And in a movie aimed towards kids, they can't have anything complicated going on so they decide to create a Saturday morning cartoon villain.**

 **(We switch back to the film)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see this woman who got whacked in the face by McDaggett placing a bomb on the crane and it explodes. And just like Star Wars, when there's an evil Empire taking over, you got to have a rebellion.**

 _ **Bertha: Listen to me, people! These buses are going nowhere! Stay here! Fight for your homes! There is no silver lining! Only corporate scumbags who want to line their pockets!**_

"Yeah, fuck big business! Fuck corporate America! Fuck Donald Trump and fuck the wall!" Sean yelled out as an audience applause. "I'm Sean J. Archer and if I'm elected president, my first act of business is to tear down the wall!"

 **(We then see a political poster of Sean that says "Archer for President. 2020)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the ensuing chaos, Nikko gets separated by her parents and then we see her wandering through the ruins of her former home while searching for her parents.**

 **(A Rehab patrol officer spots Nikko and fires his Bullpup rifle in the air)**

 _ **Rehab Patrol (Played by the late Ken Strong): You! Stay where you are!**_

 **(Nikko runs while the patrol officer chases her)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, how about not flashing a bright light at her and firing your gun at her, you fucking asshole! Nikko is rescued by the rebels, led by a woman named Bertha, played by CCH Pounder. Along with Bertha, we have Zack played by the late Stanley Anderson, Coontz played by Stephen Root and Moreno played by the late Daniel von Bargen. Fun fact: Daniel von Bargen is from Cincinnati, OH.**

"Okay, so we got a rag tag team of rebels composed of Detective Wymms from _The Shield_ , Bill Dautrieve from _King of the Hill_ , Judge Art Vanderlay and Mr. Kruger from _Seinfeld_ …" Sean said before being interrupted.

 **(A clip from the Seinfeld season nine episode** _ **The Burning**_ **is shown)**

 **Mr. Kruger (Played by the late Daniel von Bargen): It's K-uger.**

"Ooookay." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see that they bring along the little girl to rob a police armory, where they plan to help themselves with some more weapons to take on the Rehabs. And after blowing up the gate, they come across….**

 **(They spot an ED-209 guarding the building)**

 _ **Coontz (Played by Stephen Root): Jesus!**_

 _ **Nikko: ED-209!**_

 _ **Coontz: He wasn't even in the recon photo!**_

"Holy shit, it's ED-209! He's back and he's getting ready to kill people. Man, this movie is going to be good."

 _ **ED-209: Freeze. You are trespassing on police property. Please surrender your weapons.**_

 **(Nikko runs over to ED-209 as Coontz, Bertha and Zack try to stop her)**

 _ **Coontz: What is she? What is she crazy?!**_

 **(Nikko tries to reprogram the ED-209)**

 _ **Zack (Played by the late Stanley Anderson): Hey kid, come back here!**_

 _ **Nikko: You won't believe this. He'll be loyal as a puppy.**_

 _ **ED-209: You have five seconds. Four seconds. Three seconds. You have one second to comply.**_

"Hey! He skipped two!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Nikko reprograms ED-209)**

 _ **ED-209: I am now authorized to… be loyal as a puppy.**_

We cut to Sean, who's looking at the camera with a dumbfounded look on his face from what he just witnessed. "What the fu…? Loyal as a puppy?! The sheer level of stupidity just… oh my God…. Does this little bitch know that the scientists and Dick Jones created ED-209? They couldn't shut him down that fast! But hey, this is a 90's PG film that goes by the Home Alone-logic for kids. You see, the kids are geniuses and the adults are the stupid idiots."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Nikko reprograms the ED-209 to be "loyal as a puppy" and help the rebels out to steal the weapons. And while stealing the guns, they come across a jetpack and trust me, we'll get to that later on in the movie. The cops arrive right before they make their escape, but not until ED-209 helps them out.**

 _ **ED-209: Eat lead, suckers!**_

 **(ED-209 start shooting at the Detroit police as they take cover)**

"Okay, this is going to be a long movie." Sean said as he sits a six-pack of Sierra Nevada Brut IPA beer out on the table and grabs a bottle. "If I'm going to get through this shitty sequel, then I need some alcohol because I am going to get drunk throughout this review. And I'll probably need AA after this."

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the rebels making their escape, we cut to a diner where we see some guy about to rob it.**

 _ **Hold-Up Man (Played by Lee Arenberg): (Pulls out a Calico M100) Nobody move! Everything in the register now! Do it!**_

 **(The Detroit officers in the diner draw their Glock 17 pistols fitted with a laser sight module at the robber)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Pintel (Played by Lee Arenberg): Parlay?**_

 _ **Donut Jerk (Played by Jeff Garlin): What's it like being a rocket scientist?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, you're not imagining things. That's Jeff Garlin from** _ **Curb Your Enthusiasm**_ **and** _ **The Goldbergs**_ **and Lee Arenberg from the** _ **Pirates of the Caribbean**_ **movies in a** _ **RoboCop**_ **movie. But then, one of the police officers get a call from the police scanner about a B & E, and who ever to take the call would be Officer Anne Lewis, still played by Nancy Allen. We see the Lewis and two other officer Donnelly and Jensen, played by **_**Lethal Weapon**_ **screenwriter and** _ **Iron Man 3**_ **director Shane Black and the late John Nesci as they spot the rebels driving past them and they engage in a car chase, which ends with the rebels going all** _ **Watch Dogs**_ **on their ass by hacking the street lights, causing the cops to crash into a yuppie in a sportscar and almost causing the death of a beloved character that we all love. However while they lost Lewis and the two police officers, it seems that another cop has joined the chase.**

 **(We see RoboCop's visor and the reflection of the truck on his visor)**

"No shit, movie! We all kinda figured that it would be RoboCop. Way to spoil the reveal." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While RoboCop is chasing the rebels, we see that Lewis, Donnelly and Jensen have to deal with an upset driver, played by James Lorinz from the 1990 film** _ **Frankenhooker**_ **. But it seems that they have another problem aside from an irate driver.**

 _ **Donnelly (Played by Shane Black): Lewis.**_

 **(Lewis turns around and notices a gang symbol with the words "SP" spray painted on the telephone pole)**

 _ **Lewis (Played by Nancy Allen): Splatterpunks.**_

"Splatterpunks. They're part of the Splatoon army, right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After realizing that they're in dangerous gang territory, Lewis and the other officers arm themselves to stay alive, but not everyone is lucky to get out of this one alive.**

 **(Lewis grabs the upset driver by his tie)**

 _ **Lewis: I'll make you a deal, tough guy. You want to eat the tie, keep it up.**_

 _ **Upset Driver (Played by James Lorinz): Take it easy. My brother's a cop.**_

 **(The upset driver gets shot by a Splatterpunk and dies. Then, we hear the sound of the gang laughing and start throwing Molotov cocktails at Lewis, Donnelly and Jensen. The three officers start shooting as the gang continue to throw Molotov cocktails at them but they don't hit them)**

"Really? They throw a Molotov cocktail at you that misses at a mile away and that gives you the reason to start shooting at dead air? You're wasting precious ammo for something that's trying to kill you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lewis calls in a distress and Murphy turns around to answer the call and back with Lewis and the other officers, they run out of ammo and we get a look at the…. (sees what the Splatterpunks gang look like) oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!**

"Who came up with that look? I know that the introduction to the Splatterpunks is very creepy and when we see what they look like. The look like something off of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ combined with the Mad Gear Gang from _Final Fight_." Sean pointed out.

 **(The song** _ **The Time Warp**_ **from** _ **The Rocky Horror Picture Show**_ **starts playing as the Splatterpunks appear)**

"God, we're twenty minutes into this stupid-ass film, where the hell is RoboCop?" Sean asked.

 **(RoboCop drives off of the parking garage and lands on the street. After that, he shoots at the roof of his police cruiser and emerges. RoboCop is now armed with a new weapon, his gun arm)**

 _ **RoboCop (Played by Robert John Burke): Police officer. No loitering.**_

 **(One of the Splatterpunks shoots at RoboCop with his MP5K, RoboCop shoots his gun arm at the gang, hitting the one shooting at him and causing some of them to flee before RoboCop exits his vehicle)**

 _ **RoboCop: You called for backup?**_

 _ **Lewis: Thanks for dropping by, Murphy.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you RoboCop and if you've seen the first two movies, you're probably figured out there's something's a little different. He's not played by Peter Weller because he was busy filming the movie _Naked Lunch_ at that time. Also, Robo's voice is different and doesn't sound nothing like in the first two films." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, our new RoboCop is played by Robert John Burke, who clearly doesn't look like Peter Weller. You might recognize Robert John Burke from the Stephen King movie** _ **Thinner, Fled, Safe, An Unbelievable Truth**_ **and** _ **Nightmare Weekend**_ **. And you'll probably recognize him in TV shows like** _ **Gossip Girl, Army Wives**_ **and** _ **Law and Order: SVU**_ **. Anyway, Murphy saves his partner Lewis but lets the rebels get away and he goes after the two dumbest gang members who want to torch him and try to shoot him in the mouth yet they don't know how to work a revolver. After arresting the two idiot Splatterpunks, RoboCop spots the little girl and the hideout that the resistance is using. We move on to OCP Headquarters, where we're introduced to the CEO of the Kanemitsu Corporation named Kanemitsu, played by the late Mako.**

"Oh, God. What is Mako doing on this movie? Look here, Mako is a really good actor. He was nominated for an Academy Award for his role as Po-Han in _The Sand Pebbles,_ he played Akiro the Wizard in _Conan the Barbarian_ and _Conan the Destroyer_ and he played the voice of Master Splinter in 2007's _TMNT_. He also voiced Aku in _Samurai Jack_ and he voiced Uncle Iroh in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_. And no, I am not going to make fun of Mako, he is an awesome actor. Unlike a certain critic with glasses who made fun of him and angered some Mako fans. Mako is one of my favorite actors of all time and I'm a bit confuzzled. That's right, confuzzled. To see him in a bad movie like this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Kanemitsu is not happy with OCP's failure with the progress on the Delta City project. Also, The Old Man is gone and we're introduced to The CEO of OCP, played by Rip Torn?**

"Rip, come on man! I know you. What were you thinking? Were you ripped and torn while you were doing this movie? This was a guy who was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his role as Marsh Turner in the film _Cross Creek_. He was nominated for six Emmy Awards for his role as Artie in _The Larry Sanders Show_. I spoke to Rip Torn and I asked him about being in _RoboCop 3_. This was his response." Sean said.

 **(A picture of Rip Torn is shown with audio from him being arrested for drunk driving is heard)**

 _ **Rip Torn: (Drunk) Go to hell, you guys. Take these cuffs off and let me take a piss. And I have witnesses to what I drank one and a half drinks. I'm an movie actor. You have to pay the f****** price to film me.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Meltdowns**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bryan Callen: Rip, you're still a great actor in my book. With a long resume. So chin up you'll feel terrible in the morning.**_

"Really? No Dan O'Herlihy?" Brian asked.

"Nope, we're stuck with Rip Torn." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, the only returning character from OCP is Johnson, once again played by Felton Perry. I don't know why Johnson is still working for the idiots after the "Whoops! I just put the brain of a drug dealer inside a giant killer robot!" events of** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **. And since the rebels have caused so much trouble for the Rehab Team, they want RoboCop to join them and get the police on their side. Aside from that, Kanemitsu sends over their own cyborg of their own. A cyborg ninja.**

"Cyborg ninja? Cyborg ninja? Man, this sounds like something written in a bad fan fiction." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This cyborg ninja that Kanemitsu is sending over is named Otomo, played by Bruce Locke.**

"He played Shang Tsung in _Mortal Kombat: Conquest_. I cannot believe that I remember that show that I watched when I was a kid." Sean said, chuckling a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we cut to the Detroit Police Department, where we see RoboCop is getting fixed up by Dr. Marie Lazarus, played by Jill Hennessy from** _ **Law & Order**_ **and** _ **Crossing Jordan**_ **. She's the top scientist on RoboCop research and maintenance. Fleck played by Bradley Whitford, who will be forever by typecast as the corporate weasel or as Josh Lyman in** _ **The West Wing**_ **for seven seasons, is here not only to recruit RoboCop to the Rehab Team but he is pissed off that he disobeyed a direct order.**

 _ **Dr. Marie Lazarus (Played by Jill Hennessy): My real opinion?**_

 _ **Fleck (Played by Bradley Whitford): No, lie. Make up a story.**_

 _ **Dr. Marie Lazarus: Well Mr. Fleck, offhand, I'd say the reason he'd disobeyed a direct order is if he didn't agree with it.**_

 _ **Fleck: Excuse me?**_

 _ **Dr. Marie Lazarus: He made a decision. His friend was in trouble, he made a judgment call. Cops do that, you know? It's in his manual.**_

"That's right. Listen to this hot female doctor who we just knew seconds ago." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Fleck isn't too happy with RoboCop acting too human and he wants Dr. Lazarus to install a chip that will wipe all of Murphy's emotions.**

 _ **Fleck: 'Cause I got news for you, babe. I don't give a shit how smart you are. OCP owns the cops. That means they own him, and it means they own your cute little ass.**_

"And President Josiah Bartlet hired him to be his White House Deputy Chief of Staff and Chief Political Advisor." Sean said, referencing the NBC drama _The West Wing_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The police are trying to look for the Anti-OCP terrorists and Robo figures it would be a good time to check the place where they're hiding out at after he recognizes the location, so Lewis tags along with him.**

 _ **Cop with Body Armor (Played by Graciela Marin): Hey, Lewis. You want your body armor?**_

 _ **Lewis: What? No, I'm off duty.**_

"Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine." Sean said as the castle thunder sound effect is heard in the background, causing the critic to look around the room. "What the hell was that?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Lewis is concerned about her partner's humanity.**

 _ **Lewis: Robo, are you okay?**_

 _ **RoboCop: I'm fine. And call me Murphy.**_

 **(Lewis smiles at her partner)**

"Oh, he's fine. I'm sure that they didn't do anything to screw up his head like in the last film." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop and Lewis arrive at the church where the rebels are hiding out at. As they enter the church, they find some poor, defenseless and well-armed civilians inside with families. Until McDaggett and the Rehab Team arrive at the church armed to the teeth. Also for some reason RoboCop still has his Prime Directives still in place, even though we clearly seen then get wiped out in the last movie. Well, they're not going to explain why he still have his Prime Directives. But anyway, RoboCop shoots at the Rehab Team, which leads to this.**

 _ **RoboCop: Back off, or there will be trouble.**_

 _ **Lewis: Now you're talking, Murphy. We're not budging. If you wanna get in there, you're going to have to shoot through us.**_

 _ **McDaggett: I don't have a huge problem with that.**_

 **(McDaggett shoots and mortally wounds Lewis with a Colt XM177E2 carbine)**

Sean stays silent with a look of shock on his face. "Well, she asked for it. And you'd think I'd be pretty pissed off about Lewis getting killed off but I'm not. Actually, actress Nancy Allen requested for her character to be killed after seeing the direction that this franchise was headed and hell, she wanted out and I don't blame her."

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop is unable to shoot at his friend's murderer because that pesky Directive Four is in his way. He gets hit in the chest with a grenade and the rebels try to save him. But before he leaves with the rebels, Lewis in her dying breath, has a request for Murphy.**

 _ **Lewis: (Dying) Get them for me. Promise me.**_

 _ **RoboCop: I promise.**_

 _ **Lewis: Murphy…..**_

 **(Lewis dies)**

 _ **RoboCop: Officer down.**_

 **(The scene then transitions to a clip from Bambi, showing a scene of bright colors, singing, birds etc.)**

"Sorry, I had to." Sean starts laughing a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Rehab Team storm the church but too late for them, the rebels have escaped with RoboCop.**

 _ **McDaggett: Damn.**_

 _ **Seltz (Played by Judson Vaughn): We're tracking him, sir. He's moving.**_

 **(Seltz hands McDaggett the tracker)**

 _ **McDaggett: That's impossible. The building is surrounded. He's gone underground.**_

 **(A clip from Jamiroquai's** _ **Deeper Underground**_ **music video is shown)**

 _ **Jamiroquai: (Sings) I'm going deeper underground. There's too much panic in this town.**_

"Did I just reference one of Jamiroquai's songs? For those of you young ones who don't know who Jamiroquai is, they're an English jazz-funk band from London. They gave us _Virtual Insanity_ , _Canned Heat, Space Cowboy_ and _Deeper Underground_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, RoboCop escapes with the rebels and they take him to their hideout and they try to find out what's wrong with him until Nikko finds the tracking beacon. Wait, how the hell does she know where that was? Oh, screw it. Let's move on. Meanwhile, Dr. Lazarus gets a phone call from that slimy bastard Fleck about a fabricated news report on RoboCop killing Lewis.**

 _ **McDaggett: (On TV) It's hard to believe that she was gunned down by her own partner.**_

 _ **Casey Wong (Played by the late Mario Machado): An OCP spokesperson has confirmed that RoboCop has joined the terrorist rebel forces. He is heavily armed and should be considered extremely dangerous.**_

 _ **Dr. Marie Lazarus: TV off.**_

 **(The television turns off by itself)**

 _ **Fleck: Congratulations, sweet cheeks. Now listen up. I want your legendary ass and your corporate I.D. card in my office by 7:00 a.m. tomorrow. And maybe you won't be brought up on charges. Meantime, you might want to decide whose side you're on. Sleep tight.**_

"They don't explain anything." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at OCP Headquarters, we see that the shit has literally hit the fan.**

 _ **Johnson (Played by Felton Perry): He what?!**_

 _ **Fleck: He opened fire on the Rehabs they said he's gone underground.**_

 _ **Johnson: Oh, there goes our PR budget.**_

 _ **Fleck: It's too big to put a lid on. Company line is he's gone renegade.**_

 **(Johnson and Fleck are walking in OCP, looking at the chaos around them)**

 _ **Fleck: It's the Fall of Rome around here. It's Darwin time, you know what I'm saying? Survival of the least expendable.**_

 _ **Johnson: Remember the Old Man, Jeff. Everyone's expendable.**_

"Uh, yeah. I have a question. Whatever happened to the Old Man? Was he ever indicted on the charges involving the RoboCain incident in the last film? Anyone care to explain that? No explanation whatsoever. We're not gonna know? I guess the movie doesn't even care." Sean said.

 **(We then cut to a man who's in his office who climbs out on the ledge after opening the window)**

 _ **Woman on Vidphone (Played by Dianne Butler): It can't be that bad. Honey, can you hear me? Are you there?**_

 **(The man jumps off of the ledge)**

 _ **Woman on Vidphone: Every corporation goes through this sort of thing.**_

"Oh, piss off movie! That was pretty dark! Was that meant to be funny for a film pandering to kids? At least give this film some dignity. That was fucking terrible." Sean said.

 **(We cut to the man falling to his death after hitting the ground)**

"Okay, this movie stopped caring. If this movie doesn't care, then why should I care?" Sean asked.

 **(We cut back to the scene where the man is about to jump)**

 _ **Woman on Vidphone: It can't be that bad. Honey, can you hear me?**_

 **(An audio clip from** _ **Ice Age: The Meltdown**_ **is played during the scene right when the man jumps)**

 _ **Crash (Voiced by Seann William Scott): I can fly! I believe I can fly!**_

 **(The man hits the ground)**

"Ooooookay." Brian said.

"There! If you don't care, then I don't care. Nobody cares about anything. To quote Mad Cyborg 2552: "This is the shit that no one gives."!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the news of RoboCop's desertion and OCP stocks plummeting, Otomo is here to see Rip Torn.**

 _ **The CEO (Played by Rip Torn): (To Otomo) We have a warrant out on the arrest of RoboCop. If we can eliminate him, then we'll find that squatters are more, uh. Well, let's say, easily persuaded.**_

"Well, so far. The squatters haven't been easily persuaded because they made you look like idiots at the church. This is a stupid plan that's not going to work." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Otomo leaves, the CEO has to deal with Fleck with some news regarding his job at Security Concepts.**

 _ **The CEO: Security Concepts can kiss my freckled butt. You're fired. You heard me, Fleck! You're fired. Get out of here.**_

 **(After he gets fired, Fleck turns around and pulls out his handgun from out of his coat before leaving the office)**

"Aw, don't be sad Bradley Whitford. Hey, in two years you'll be playing a corporate weasel in a really good Adam Sandler movie and you'll get to star in a really good, well an excellent TV show on NBC with Martin Sheen, Allison Janney, Rob Lowe and an ensemble cast created by Aaron Sorkin. Things will be going great with your career." Sean said.

 _ **Johnson: (After The CEO likes his plan) Thank you, sir. I really….**_

 **(A gunshot is heard, indicating that Fleck shot himself)**

Sean stayed silent without saying another word.

"Next?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the rebels' hideout, where we see them trying to fix up RoboCop but they don't have the tools to fix him. You know for a group of rebels, you're not that kinda bright.**

 _ **Moreno (Played by the late Daniel von Bargen): This isn't a valve job on a Chevy. I never worked on a damn RoboCop before. I can do the body work, but…**_

 _ **Bertha: Look, all we gotta do is hold on to the Heights for three more days. He can hold out till then, can't he?**_

 _ **Moreno: Bertha, are you listening to me?! Huh? He is messed up. We don't have the equipment.**_

 _ **Bertha: Well, who the hell does?!**_

"Here's what you should do, maybe go find a scientist to has the tools to fix RoboCop. Duh!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, Nikko heads down to the police station to find Dr. Lazarus and she brings her with her to the hideout. Oh and you remember that chip that Fleck wanted her to install in RoboCop to get rid of his emotions? Well, she didn't put the chip in him, she destroyed the chip. Meanwhile, Otomo searches for the rebels' hideout until he comes across some rebels who aren't happy to see him.**

 _ **Rebel: You must be one of Kanemitsu's boys. I'm impressed. Trouble is your boss he kind of owns OCP. And OCP's kind of on our shitlist with a bullet!**_

 **(Otomo grabs the resistance fighter's SKS rifle and throws it at the other resistance fighter, stabbing him with the bayonet. Otomo jumps up and grabs the XM177E2 Commando rifle, then shoots the other resistance fighter. Right when Otomo goes after the man, the resistance fighter grabs the metal pipe and hits Otomo in the face with it. We then see Otomo's jaw is out of place as he fixes himself up as horror music is heard along with Sean screaming)**

"Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! AAH! This is it! This movie is punishment for me to repent all of the terrible things that I've done by showing me this creepy image of Otomo putting his jaw back together with that creepy as grin on his face. Look, if you want me to confess for all of my sins, I'LL CONFESS! I was the one responsible for cancelling _Best Friends Whenever_ and _Girl Meets World_! I was the one who told Pepsi that Pepsi Fire would be a good idea! I was the one who put Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin together! I was the one who caused all of the wildfires in California! I was the one who encouraged Warner Bros. to make _Teen Titans Go! To The Movies_! Just please, please take me out of this scene! TAKE ME OUT!" Sean screamed.

 _ **Rebel: You can tell your bosses to kiss my ass!**_

 **(Otomo snaps the rebel's neck and grabs the map from off of his corpse)**

"Wow, this guy doesn't fuck around." Brian said.

"Cut to the next scene." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with the rebels, Nikko takes Dr. Lazarus back to their base and she begins fixing up RoboCop and while he's being fixed, Robo deletes Directive 4. Again, why the hell would he still have that even though he got rid of his directives in the last film? Explain, movie! And then we get….**

 **(We see an image of Murphy's wife Ellen, once again played by Angie Bolling, then the image switches to his partner Lewis, then the image switches to Dr. Lazarus)**

"What the hell is going on there? Did Murphy have a flashback to watching Michael Jackson's _Black or White_ music video?" Sean asked.

 **(The clip is shown once more, this time the song** _ **Black or White**_ **by Michael Jackson starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Robo gets fixed up, we got to have our little adorable moment between RoboCop and the little girl Nikko because this is a** _ **RoboCop**_ **movie for the whole family!**

 _ **RoboCop: Your parents, you miss them?**_

 _ **Nikko: Yeah.**_

 _ **RoboCop: But you remember them because if you remember them they're never really gone.**_

 **(Nikko lays her head on RoboCop as Robo places his hand on her head)**

 _ **Nikko: Hey Murphy, I'm glad your new heart works.**_

 **(RoboCop starts to gently pet her head like a kitten while she's asleep)**

 _ **Dr. Lazarus: I heard voices.**_

 _ **RoboCop: (To Dr. Lazarus) Shh.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as RoboCop) Soft kitty. Warm kitty. Little ball of fur.**

"Oh, my God. What did you do to RoboCop? Remember when he was awesome?" Sean asked.

 **(Various clips from the first two films are shown, showing some of Robo's most awesome moments like shooting a rapist in the groin, punching a man out the window, getting into shootouts, fighting ED-209 and fighting RoboCain)**

"And here, they just watered RoboCop down and turned him into a complete pussy!" Sean yelled at the camera. "I mean, how did we go from this?"

 **(A clip from** _ **RoboCop**_ **is shown. The scene playing is ED-209 killing Kinney during a demonstration)**

"To this." Sean said, pointing to his right.

 **(A clip from** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is shown)**

 _ **ED-209: (After Nikko reprograms him) I am now authorized to…. Be loyal as a puppy.**_

"This." Sean said, pointing to his left.

 **(Another clip from** _ **RoboCop**_ **is shown. The clip being shown is Dick Jones' death scene at the end of the film. Murphy shoots Jones until he falls out of the window to his death)**

"To this!" Sean points to his right once more.

 **(Another clip from** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is shown. The scene being shown is Nikko laying her head on Murphy's lap and falls asleep, then Murphy starts petting her head like a kitten and we hear an audience saying "Awww!" in the background)**

Sean then opens up another bottle of beer and starts drinking it. "Man, I'm getting tired of films like RoboCop getting watered down."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Otomo, he arrives at a gas station and steals a Detroit street map. But the hack surgeon who cut Officer Duffy open from** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **isn't going to let him get away with it without paying.**

 _ **Gas Station Clerk (Played by Gary Bullock): (Goes after Otomo) What are you deaf? Son of a….**_

 **(Otomo pulls out a katana as the gas station clerk steps back. Otomo then slashes at the gas station sign once, then puts his katana away before walking away. After he walks away, the sign breaks apart as sparks fly out)**

"Well, that was pointless." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with the rebels, remember that little device that they stole from the police depot, well it turns out to be a new toy for RoboCop that Dr. Lazarus created which served as a prototype. God, that sounds like something in a bad RoboCop fanfiction. And after a flashback of Lewis' death, RoboCop tries to make do with his promise and he goes out on his quest to go down to the precinct and kick some Rehab ass and destroying the Rehab staging area.**

 _ **Rehab Officer #1: Hey, you got a light?**_

 _ **Rehab Officer #2: Sure, man.**_

 _ **RoboCop: Allow me, scum.**_

 **(RoboCop, who's armed with his gun arm, fires his flamethrower as the two Rehab officers jump out of the way. A few other Rehab officers leave the room while RoboCop continues to set everything on fire)**

"Hey kids, look! Here's a new RoboCop action figure that we're selling. And this time, he comes with a new Robo-flamethrower!" Sean cheered.

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop torches the everloving Christ out of anything, going on a one-man crusade for vengeance and to look for that British bastard who killed his partner. Back with McDaggett, he's hiding out at a seedy hotel and he's having a little chat with McDagget through the vidphone and we see that the bad guys have a little device of their own.**

"Hey, I don't know what that device is. But I know it is pure evil." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it seems as though there's a traitor in the rebellion who tipped McDaggett and sold the rebels out.**

 _ **Coontz: I understand you're willing to pay good money to know where the rebel base op is./Well, uh, the last tip saved your ass.**_

"What a surprise." Sean said, nonchalantly. "Really? Was that meant to be a big dramatic reveal? Hell, when I first saw the film when I was around eight or nine years old, I called it real quick when that dude starts acting like a little bitch."

 _ **Coontz: It is not worth it. It is not worth this shit!**_

"And second, he wasn't even well hidden in the shadows! It was easy enough to tell who he was. I clearly saw his fucking face in the goddamn light. Are you even trying harder, movie?! How many shades of pissed off do you want me to get?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Outside the hotel, we see two Rehab goons trying to harass a prostitute, who's a bit too young to be a prostitute, and Robo shows up.**

 _ **RoboCop: (After seeing two Rehab officers trying to harass a teen prostitute) She said no.**_

 **(The Rehab officers spot RoboCop)**

"Alright, remember what you did to the rapist in the first film?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **RoboCop**_ **is shown. RoboCop shoots the rapist in the groin)**

"Now, do the same thing to the two of them. Screw the PG-13 rating. They wouldn't care if you shot somebody in the…" Sean said.

 **(RoboCop just shoots two of the Rehab officers with his Auto-9, but he doesn't shoot them in the groin. He just shoots them)**

"Or you can just shoot them square in the chest. I'm sad to say that was pretty awesome. I mean, it's the most enjoyable part of the film." Sean said.

 _ **RoboCop: Go home, young lady. You are in violation of curfew.**_

"Seriously, what's with Murphy coming up with wisecracks? He's failing miserably. I mean, he wasn't even like that in the first two films. In the first two films, he said lines that you would believe that came out of a law enforcement robot." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **RoboCop**_ **and** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **are shown)**

 _ **RoboCop (Played by Peter Weller): Thank you for your cooperation, good night./Come quietly or there will be trouble./Let's talk./Isn't this a school day?/Cain! Let's step outside.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop enters the hotel to find McDaggett. But first he plays trick shots with one of the Rehab officers, then he makes it to McDaggett, but Robo doesn't shoot him as McDaggett gets away and Coontz makes a run for it as well. Really? You had that evil sack of fish and chips, earl grey-drinking son of a bitch at your sights but yet you can't even shoot him. What kind of cyborg are you?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Judge Judy**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Judge Judy Sheindlin: You're an idiot!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, McDaggett gets away in a truck and then we get the most dumbest part of the fucking movie.**

 _ **RoboCop: (To the pimp) I must commandeer your vehicle for police use.**_

 _ **Pimp (Played by Ron Leggett): What is your problem, sucker?**_

 **(The pimp pulls out a switchblade after he turns around and sees RoboCop. He drops his knife and hands his keys over to RoboCop)**

 _ **Pimp: I mean, officer.**_

 **(RoboCop gets in the pimp's vehicle, a pink Cadillac)**

"Oh shit, now I got to use that joke." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers in Goldmember**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Austin Powers (Played by Mike Myers): Smashing, Basil. A pimpmobile.**_

"You know, now that I think about it. Aren't we all glad that they didn't make a _RoboCop vs. Terminator_ movie? Because this one and _Terminator 3_ sucked. Because if they did, then it would suck balls." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get another car chase, a very crappy car chase involving RoboCop, McDaggett and the Rehab officer shooting at each other and the pimpmobile taking a shitload of bullets and grenades. It just goes to show that cars in Detroit are tough as shit. But right now, the automotive industry in Detroit is shit out of luck. But then McDaggett manages to lose Robocop by throwing money out.**

 **(A clip from** _ **World's Dumbest Criminals**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Daniel Baldwin: (While throwing the money out of the car) Throwing the money. Throwing the money. Throwing the money.**_

 **(A bunch of kids playing street hockey start grabbing some money. RoboCop sees some children playing on the street and stops his vehicle as McDaggett gets away)**

"Another scumbag to shoot out of a skyscraper." Sean said, imitating RoboCop.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the hideout, we see that the rat bastard traitor Coontz returns and he holds everyone at gunpoint.**

 _ **Moreno: You son of a bitch.**_

 _ **Coontz: Hey. Watch the language, there's children present, remember?**_

"Yeah, this movie is rated PG-13. Kids are watching this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Coontz is an idiot when he doesn't check his surroundings when Zack sneaks up on him and holds him at gunpoint.**

 _ **Zack: Drop it, Coontz. I'm not gonna ask twice.**_

 **(Coontz drops his gun on the floor as Moreno immediately gets up from his chair)**

 _ **Moreno: What do you mean about, "it'll all be over in a few minutes"?**_

"He means my threesome with pornstar Kendra Lust and my girlfriend Taylor. What the fuck do you think, you idiot?! He means that they're coming and they're going to kill you all!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then the Rehab stormtroopers arrive as the rebels flee for their lives, taking some of the fighting members out, including Bertha. But Dr. Lazarus helps Nikko escape, but the good doctor ends up getting captured by McDaggett and his goon squad.**

"But wait, what about Coontz? Are the Rehab officers going to leave him alive?" Sean asked.

 **(We see that Coontz was killed in the assault. The wah wah machine plays, then we cut to Sean shrugging his shoulders at the camera, a la Nostalgia Critic)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, down at the police station, McDaggett tries to hire the Detroit Police Department for more manpower to relocate people to their rehabilitation facitlities, but Sgt. Reed played by Robert DoQui, say that is not their line of work.**

 _ **Sgt. Reed (Played by the late Robert DoQui): Driving people out of their homes is no work for a cop!**_

 _ **Johnson: Now, sergeant. Fifteen years on the force is quite an investment. Your job, your pension. Maybe instead of worrying about these squatters, might think about your own family.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, in other words, Sgt. Reed and the rests of the Detroit P.D. tell OCP to eat shit and die and they walk off. Wait, didn't we already see something like this in the last film?**

"Oh, Christ. They're rehashing RoboCop 2." Sean said, sitting his head down on the coffee table.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since they can't get the cops to join them, who will McDaggett ask to help them out with taking Cadillac Heights? Recruit the criminals! Oh yeah, he recruits the Splatterpunks to help them take Cadillac Heights. Like that's a good idea, give a bunch of psychopaths a bunch of automatic weapons and explosive weaponry.**

Sean sighs and imitates Jean-Luc Picard with a facepalm after realizing how stupid McDaggett's plan is. "Bright idea, not!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that, we're treated to an animated commercial that's directed by David Silverman, one of the animators of** _ **The Simpsons**_ **. A commercial advertising some Johnny Rehab toys. Then, we cut to** _ **MediaBreak**_ **, where we get another fabricated story about RoboCop killing a bunch of nuns. But hey, Nikko happens to arrive at OCP headquarters through some vents and with her hacking skills, we see….**

 **(We see** _ **MediaBreak**_ **anchor Casey Wong picking his nose while the camera is still on him)**

"Don't worry, folks. He was just scratching his nose. There was no pick. I repeat, no pick." Sean said, referencing the _Seinfeld_ episode _The Pick_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, she finds that Dr. Lazarus is brought to the exact same location.**

 _ **Dr. Lazarus: (Yells at the camera) You lousy sons of bitches! OCP bastards!**_

 _ **McDaggett: Nobody is listening to you, sweetheart.**_

"Uh, dude. You can clearly hear her." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We have like 15 minutes of movie left, so it's time for that climax and for me to finish up this stupid review. The Detroit police force head down to Cadillac Heights to help the civilians defend their homes from OCP. But hey, we still remember that RoboCop is still in this movie, so he arrives at the rebels' hideout, only to see that it's abandoned and in shambles. But he's not the only one alone. He has a surprise visitor.**

 **(Otomo jump kicks RoboCop in the face, knocking him down. RoboCop gets back up as Otomo does another jump kick attack on him)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Oh, really? Is that his only move that he knows? Just jumping at Robocop?**

 _ **RoboCop: You are under arrest for assaulting an officer.**_

 **(RoboCop pulls out his Auto-9 pistol but gets it knocked out of his hand by Otomo. Otomo, then cuts off RoboCop's fingers)**

 _ **RoboCop: And destruction of police property.**_

 **(Otomo cuts off RoboCop's left hand)**

"Remember when RoboCop was awesome?" Sean asked.

 **(More clips from** _ **RoboCop**_ **and** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **are shown. The first clip shows RoboCop destroying ED-209 with a Cobra Assault Cannon. And the second clip shows him having an epic death battle with RoboCain)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Otomo attacks RoboCop with a jumping attack. And another jumping attack. And another jumping…. For the love of! Stop using your damn jumping attacks and use your sword to cut his head off! This fight scene is boring and I'm not pumped up for the fight!**

 **(Otomo starts showing off by swinging his katana)**

"STOP SHOWING OFF! If somebody doesn't kill somebody soon, then I will!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **(Right before Otomo tries to kill RoboCop, RoboCop puts on his gun arm, takes aim and fires a smart bomb at Otomo's head, defeating him)**

"Thank you!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with the citizens and the Detroit police force, they get into a shootout with the Rehab Team and the Rocky Horror Mad Gear gang and you know what, The CEO is not a big fan of it.**

 _ **The CEO: We don't fire on police officers! You're out of line, McDaggett. I'm still in charge here. I'm pulling the plug.**_

 _ **McDaggett: Sit down.**_

 _ **The CEO: What? Have you gone war-wacky?**_

 **(McDaggett picks up his Desert Eagle Mark I and aims it at The CEO.**

 _ **McDaggett: I said, sit down.**_

"I will kill you before you star in a movie that will ruin your career." Sean said, referencing the Tom Green flop _Freddy Got Fingered_ while speaking in a bad British accent.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nikko manages to find Dr. Lazarus and hack the security cameras from the air vent, giving Dr. Lazarus some airtime to mention that OCP are lying to them and that they're a bunch of capitalist pigs and the Rehab Team are evil! Oh, yeah. I forgot. She did mention a handy-dandy jetpack with an auxiliary power supply for Robo to use because the fight left him weak.**

"And then we get this!" Sean points out.

 **(RoboCop comes flying in the battlefield to help the rebels and the Detroit PD)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, folks! Tell me that is not jumping the shark right there. RoboCop is flying and we get a crappy blue screen effect.**

"Bad. Amateur. Fan. Fiction!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, McDaggett is pissed and he still has the super-secret evil device that we don't know what it is. OCP stock is plummeting and since RoboCop has a jetpack now, he finally arrives to take care of McDaggett and avenge Lewis' death.**

 _ **McDaggett: How may I help you, officer?**_

 _ **RoboCop: By resisting arrest.**_

 _ **McDaggett: Don't count on it, chum. Anyway, what's the charge?**_

 _ **RoboCop: The murder of Anne Lewis. (Aims his gun arm at McDaggett) Dead or alive, you're coming with me.**_

"Okay, remember what you did to Dick Jones in the first film? Make sure you do the same thing to him in this one. I don't care if it's PG-13, you shoot his British ass out of the window." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(A second Otomo arrives, standing behind RoboCop with an evil grin on his face)**

"Okay. You know what Otomo reminds me of? He reminds me of Nicolas Cage, Willem Dafoe and Ryan Higa combined. And second, what the fuck?! Another one? Like I need another shitty fight scene." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) RoboCop shoots the cyborg samurai in the face and he's stuck with that evil grin through out the scene. Well, that was easy…**

 **(Another Otomo android enters the room)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the shit? Another one!**

"How many of these fucking things are there?!" Sean asked, yelling.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And they attack RoboCop with another jumping attack. Oh, come on! They just nudged him! Until out little Nikko Ex-Machnina appears and reprograms the two cyborg ninjas to attack each other like they're Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly fighting over a drum set in** _ **Step Brothers**_ **.**

 **(The two Otomo androids attack each other while music from Step Brothers start playing right when they cut each other's heads off)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Step Brothers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nancy Huff (Played by Mary Steenburgen): What the fuckin fuck?!**_

 _ **McDaggett: Stupid fools! Don't you know what you've done to us?!**_

 **(We see that the Otomos' self-destruct sequence is activated)**

 _ **McDaggett: Those androids are programmed with a thermal fail-safe device.**_

 _ **Dr. Lazarus: You mean to self-destruct?**_

 _ **McDaggett: In 15 seconds, everything within 20 yards of where we're standing will be atomized. We're dead, you stupid slag.**_

"Um, McDaggett. I have like a couple of questions here. One: Why didn't the first Otomo that was destroyed earlier self-destruct? And number two: You had those two androids fight RoboCop knowing that he was able to defeat them, you'd all die in a nuclear explosion. And three: That's what the fucking case does?! It's a fucking thermal bomb! What's the point of it even existing anyway?! God, you have got to be the dumbest fucking movie villain I have seen in my life!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know what? I have wonderful news, the movie is almost over. So, let's wrap this up. RoboCop fries McDaggett's legs and flies outta there with Dr. Lazarus and Nikko, leaving McDumbass to die in the explosion. Mr. Kanemitsu arrives and fires Rip Torn. Kanemitsu bows to RoboCop and the group respectively and we end with this.**

 _ **The CEO: Well, I got to hand it to you. What do they call you? Murphy, is it?**_

 _ **RoboCop: My friends call me Murphy. You call me RoboCop.**_

 **(The end credits roll. We see the words "Directed by FRED DEKKER" and the words "Thanks for watching. NO REFUNDS!" shown on the screen)**

"Thank, Christ! I did it. I made it through _RoboCop 3_ , one of the worst sequels ever made." Sean said, sighing in relief. "But on the bright side, I did look forward to listening to that epic _RoboCop_ theme by Basil Poledouris. It was in the first film. It is my reward for torturing myself throughout this movie. So, that's the only good thing about this movie, was the music."

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie feels like bad** _ **RoboCop**_ **fan fiction with some OC's that they created rather than a story about RoboCop. The movie had major themes of the plot that were taken from Frank Miller's rejected draft of** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **but the execs at Orion Pictures screwed him. But hey, at least we got** _ **Frank Miller's RoboCop**_ **in comic book form. Plus, this film killed Fred Dekker's career. After the film was released, he stopped directing after how bad** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **was. Since then, Dekker's done some TV screenwriting for** _ **Star Trek: Enterprise**_ **and last year he wrote the screenplay for The Predator with Shane Black, who directed the film. I read an article that Fred Dekker is planning on returning to the director's chair. Not to mention, Orion Pictures was going bankrupt back in the '90s. This is the same movie company that brought us two Academy Award winning film. My biggest complaint about the film would have to be the PG-13 rating. The first two films were a hard "R" rating with the graphic violence and language and since kids watch** _ **RoboCop**_ **, they figure to make it a PG-13** _ **RoboCop**_ **film. Anyway,** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is not a film that you should track down and watch, believe me. If you're a fan of** _ **RoboCop**_ **, like me… just stick with** _ **RoboCop**_ **and** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **and say** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is dead to you. The movie is cheap, it's stupid and it doesn't involve RoboCop as much. If you're in the mood to riff on a film, then this is the one for you.** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **is getting 2 OCP symbols out of 5.**

"Well, that's another bad sequel down. Only three left. Hey, I might be able to get through this alive. I'm gonna do it!" Sean said with a smile on his face. "So, what's the next film on my agenda?"

 **(The cover for** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilati**_ **on is shown with a 'DUN-DUN-DUN' music sting)**

"Son of a….!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Eat lead, suckers!**_

 **And that's all for the** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **review of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. If you're a fan of** _ **RoboCop**_ **, what did you think of** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **? I would love to hear your opinion. And would you prefer the first two over the third film? Next time, Sequelitis Month continues when Sean faces a certain sequel that he watched when he was a child, and he's gonna need all the help he can get. And that movie is** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **. Will the critic give this movie a killer fatality? We'll find out next time. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Since it's Sequelitis Month for** _ **The Mayhem Critic,**_ **what are your favorite sequels? Would love to hear from you. My favorite sequels are** _ **Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Return of the Jedi, RoboCop 2, Ghostbusters II, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Superman II, The Godfather Part II**_ **and** _ **Aliens**_ **. I have a few more favorite sequels but it's a lot to name. LOL. See you guys next tune. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	53. Sequelitis Month Part III: MKA

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **as** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **continues. Last time on** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **, Sean reviewed and survived** _ **RoboCop 3**_ **. Today, Sean and his friend Lucas are going to review the next film for** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **. And that film is** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **. Let's see the two of them give this film a killer fatality. Here's the new hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **is owned by New Line Cinema.**

 **Sequelitis Month Part III: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**

 **(We get the "Sequelitis Month" intro, with the announcer saying "What time is it? It's sequel time!" and Sean saying "Yay" with a not-so excited tone and this time, Sean is making an annoyed look on his face.)**

It was yet another wonderful evening as everyone's favorite residential critic, Sean J. Archer aka The Mayhem Critic, sat on his living room couch alongside his best friend, Lucas. Instead of being in a bad mood like last time though, he's back to his old cheery self as usual.

"Good evening, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean spoke to the camera.

"And I'm his friend Lucas, because why not? I frickin' love being here all because I want to." Lucas smirked out to the camera as well.

Sean then smirked as he said. "And let me tell ya, I'm so psyched for _Mortal Kombat 11_ to come out soon enough. And just by looking at the eye-popping trailer, it looks so frickin' real, I can't even tell if it looks like a game or frickin' real life!"

"I'll tell ya, this may be the _Mortal Kombat_ game to end all _Mortal Kombat_ games." Lucas nodded over to Sean. "Like I said, anything _Mortal Kombat_ -related, I will buy because Mortal Kombat is my life!"

Sean then nodded to his friend and replied. "Same here, broski. Because if you're fans are wondering why Lucas and I are co-reviewing again, well, let's go back to our first team-up together and see where this leads to."

 **(A montage of clips from the 1995 film adaptation of** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **is shown alongside clips from their** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **review)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You may recall me and my best friend Lucas reviewing the first** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **movie, knowing we loved the film so much. I mean, even though critics thought less of the movie, it didn't do nothing to taint the reputation of being one of the most excellent video game-adapted movies done right. I mean, there were a lot of things fans expected to see from the film that made** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **known for what it is: Intense fight scenes, a whole lot of blood and an excellent cast of actors that definitely made their characters just like the ones we see in the game.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And not to mention the combined hotness of both Bridgette Wilson and Talisa Soto combined. Man, was it crazy. Yet despite the lack of gore in film, it's interesting appeal made it popular enough from the fans so much that a sequel for the second** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **movie was planned right after it's moderate, yet successful box office success.**

Lucas decided to smirk like a fanboy ever could and said. "Now the rest of you who grew up around that time were wondering to yourself, 'Oh, a second _Mortal Kombat_ movie is coming out? Oh man, I wonder what it's gonna be like? A new cast of characters, an awesome story, that familiar soundtrack? Oh man, this is gonna be good!"

"Except… IT WASN'T!" Sean shouted angrily to the camera.

 **(A movie poster of** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **is shown alongside a montage of clips from the movie.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the reason why I say that with total regret is because the movie me and Lucas are gonna review is the deadly and disastrous,** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **. It was released by New Line Cinema on November 21, 1997, the same year** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **was at a fever pitch with the release of both** _ **Mortal Kombat 4**_ **for the arcades a month before** _ **Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero**_ **for the PlayStation also a month before this movie. However, unlike this movie, Paul W.S. Anderson is no longer director and John R. Leonetti is. Leonetti would go on to later direct the horror classic** _ **Annabelle**_ **only 17 years after this godawful abomination. But he isn't alone since producing this film with him is Lawrence Kasanoff, who of course, would go on to direct what was simply known as the worst animated shitty-ass movie there ever is to exist,** _ **Food Fight**_ **!**

"Oh my god, I only hope to hell we won't review that in the near future." Lucas shook his head out of Sean's sanity.

"Well, luckily for us, Nostalgia Critic took care of that already so we won't have to worry about that." Sean said, reassuring Lucas right away before groaning. "However, having to review the movie we're doing right now as part of _Sequelitis Month_ is something everyone should worry about."

"No kidding." Lucas nodded.

Sean then pulled out his best bottle full of Modelo Cerveza and laid it on the table, saying to the camera. "Well, since we might as well review the worst that's yet to come, I've come prepared with a 12-pack full of Modelo Cervezas in hand. I figured we might as well have something to wash down this foul stench before, during and after the movie."

"I couldn't ask for nothing less." Lucas nodded before facing to the camera. "Anyway, here it is, the turd in the bloody punch bowl that is _Mortal Kombat: Annihilation_."

"Cheers, my good man." Sean said, holding up his cerveza bottle.

"Same here." Nodded Lucas as the two clinked their drinks.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So after we get a good shot at the New Line Cinema logo rolling in, we get one familiar tune to two familiar words we all know and love.**

 **(Scene opens up with the MK logo scrolling by with flames on top while at the same time, the theme music kicks in.)**

 **Narrator: MORTAL KOMBAT!**

Sean and Lucas both start dancing to the music right away while they are both sloshing good amounts of cerveza right on the floor.

"Oh man, this music is kickin'!" Lucas smirked out.

"Of course, that's the only good thing I will say about this trash heap!" Sean nodded to his friend while still dancing.

 **Sean: (Narrating): Once we get the title alongside the words "ANNIHILATION" thrown in our faces, we get a flashback of what happened in the last movie when Liu Kang whooped Shang Tsung's candyass down into the spikiest pit there ever is. Of course, that was another ONLY good thing I will also talk about this film before it turns to shit. Why? Because our movie starts off with a big ass portal coming in the sky with fireballs flying down from that frickin' thing.**

"Yikes, is Sauron's big fucking eyeball from _Lord of the Rings_ gonna pop out and scare the ever loving shit on this earth next?" Sean said with a huge shudder.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) I would, but unfortunately, all we get is a couple of ninjas in black falling from the sky and popping all across the ground like Rey Mysterio. So it looks like you're out of luck, buddy. However, Asian Eddie Van Halen aka Liu Kang doesn't know what to make this scene and neither does Kitana. Both Robin Shou and Talisa Soto reprise their roles as Liu Kang and Kitana and-**

 **(Lucas is soon cut off once he sees Sonya Blade and Johnny Cage being played by a different actress and actor combined, therefore making him confused on what's going on.)**

"Who in the blue fuckballs is that?" Lucas asked Sean. "That ain't Bridgette Wilson or Linden Ashby! What madness is this?"

Sean rolled his eyes and said. " I think now's a good time to explain, I guess. Unfortunately, Bridgette Wilson nor Linden Ashby return to reprise their roles. Sonya Blade is now played by Sandra Hess and Johnny Cage is now played by Chris Conrad, who gratefully is about to get his most big highlight in this film. I will explain right in a minute."

"Yeah, because otherwise, this has already turned to shit." Lucas nodded.

 **(Scene switches to get a close-up at the fighters who appear from the sky, most notably Motaro, Rain, Ermac and Sheeva)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, both Liu, Kitana, Sonya and Cage are greeted by four familiar kombatants who also come out of the sky, which soon turn out to be Motaro, Ermac aka Error Macro, Rain and Sheeva. Sheeva is played by Marjean Holden, Rain is played by the film's stuntman Tyrone C. Wiggins, Ermac is played by stunt coordinator John Medlen and Motaro is played by Deron McBee-**

The movie somehow stops to see a close-up of Motaro's face, forcing Lucas and Sean to stop dead in their tracks.

"Whoa, hold up. Haven't I seen him before?" Lucas pointed out in stunned amazement.

"Huh, I'm not sure." Sean shook his head before reaching for his laptop. "I might have to check on Wikipedia."

"Not if I beat you first!" Lucas said, pulling out his iPhone to do a Wikipedia search on Deron McBee's name.

However, once they click on the actor's profile, they immediately hear the sound of horns coming from a familiar game show. It wasn't long before Sean and Lucas knew what the theme song was alongside the actor who played Motaro.

" _AMERICAN GLADIATORS_!" Both Sean and Lucas said to each other.

 **(Clips of the game show "American Gladiators" start playing out in a montage alongside the popular theme music.)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Yes fans, Deron McBee was best known for playing Malibu on the hit game show** _ **American Gladiators**_ **, which ran a very successful seven seasons from 1989 to 1996, not to mention a revival in 2008 which was hosted by Laila Ali and Hulk Hogan. Growing up as a toddler/kid in the 90's, I frickin' loved the** _ **American Gladiators**_ **. It was like what happened if you mixed NFL, WWE, Double Dare and the entire Roman Colosseum combined. The show was originally hosted by Mike Adamle and Joe Theismann, but secondary hosts were soon switched from Todd Christensen to even former NFL football great Larry Csonka! The gladiators in the show were even bad-ass too. My favorites of course were Thunder, Laser, Blaze, Gemini, Ice, Diamond and pretty much my favorite gladiator of all time – Nitro! Yes, we're talking about mother-frickin' Nitro, played by Dan mother-frickin' Clark! I'll give you one guess why he's my favorite.**

 **(A close-up of Nitro's haircut is shown.)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating): Yes, it's all about the hair, chicks dig that frickin' hair! It's so smooth, it looks like it can be washed by pine tar.**

 **(A clip of** _ **Full House**_ **plays showing Jesse Katsopolis.)**

 _ **Jesse Katsopolis (Played by John Stamos): Have mercy.**_

 **(Clips of "American Gladiators" continue to play in montage form, alongside pictures of** _ **American Gladiators**_ **-related merchandise.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating): The popularity of the show was so great that there were a whole lot of merchandise full of our favorite Gladiators. There were action figures, board games, t-shirts, an entire soundtrack, a live show, spinoffs and not to mention a video game on both the Nintendo Entertainment System, the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. The NES version was alright but the SNES and Genesis versions were so lousy, you kinda wonder whoever programmed the controls for the SNES Joust mini-game were the same people who worked on the controls for Karate Champ for NES. Also, don't play that shit game. Plus, did you also know that the composer of the show's theme music, Bill Conti, was the same man who did the score for the** _ **Rocky**_ **films starring Sylvester Stallone? Wrap your awesome head around that. Oh, and not to mention there's an upcoming** _ **American Gladiators**_ **revival that's to come this year which will be produced by Seth Rogen itself. How cool is that?**

"You wanna know why we love talking about _American Gladiators_ , everyone?" Sean asked to the camera.

Lucas' tone soon turned from excited to angrily serious, saying close-up to the camera. "Because in a matter of seconds, you're gonna wish you'd be watching THAT instead of this shit movie. Anyway, I apologize for being off-topic, but back to the crap film."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we're introduced to the main villain of the film. The Emperor of Outworld himself, Shao Kahn played by Brian Thompson. And, oh god. He looks ridiculous in that Party City outfit! Come on! I thought he looks menacing like in the games. Big and menacing!**

 _ **Shao Kahn (Played by Brian Thompson): The Earth was created in six days; so too shall it be destroyed; and on the seventh day, mankind will rest… in peace!**_

"Oh, great. Now they made him into a fucking Jehovah's Witness." Sean rolled his eyes at the camera.

 _ **Johnny Cage (Played by Chris Conrad): This is not good.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Shao Kahn has opened the gateways to the Earthrealm and Raiden, this time played by James Remar from** _ **The Warriors**_ **and** _ **48 Hrs.,**_ **says what closes can also open again. What the hell does that supposed to mean?**

"It means that the people that are seeing this movie are about to get the fuck out of here." Lucas said to Sean. "And what can open again are the new paying customers who are glad they're seeing a new movie being played instead of this butt-dump. And I say that only because I'd wait a month before this waste-of-time finally leaves theaters as it is."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Before Raiden can explain why, we hear a scream coming from the background for some reason, I wonder what's—**

 **(Sexy porn music is played when the scene transitions to Sindel appearing alongside Rain and Ermac.)**

Lucas and Sean immediately stop dead in their tracks as their jaws drop in aroused amazement seeing this sexier version of Sindel appear before them right now.

"Hot damn!" The two both said.

"Okay, that SOOOOOO made the whole thing worth it." Lucas nodded out.

 **(A clip of the** _ **Angry Video Game Nerd**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Angry Video Game Nerd: Ahh, kick-fucking-ass! Life is kinda cool sometimes.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) What both Raiden, Liu Kang, Sonya and Cage are greeted to is the appearance of Sindel, portrayed by Musetta Vander. And I'm not gonna lie when I say this, but who knew Sindel looked so fucking hot in this film? We are talking about a hot smoking scream-inducing MILF. And yes, I say this because this was the woman who gave birth to Kitana. Looks like looks do run in the family. However, Kitana isn't pleased about her own mother being here. I wonder why?**

 _ **Kitana (Played by Talisa Soto): *looking shocked* Mother… you're alive.**_

 _ **Sindel (Played by Musetta Vander): *pointing to Kitana* Too bad you… will die.**_

"Well, it ain't surprising since you were responsible for your daughter being a revenant in both _Mortal Kombat 9_ and _X_. Still hate her for that though." Lucas replied, referring to Sindel killing Kitana in _Mortal Kombat 9_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Shao Kahn does a flip in front of some terrible green screen and so does Raiden and (Notices that Raiden has his hair in a ponytail instead of having it down) what the fuck?!**

"Okay, how come all of a sudden Raiden's hair is in a ponytail after he did that flip? And didn't we see that his hair was down earlier?" Sean asked. "Now, tell me that I'm not imagining things here!"

 _ **Raiden (Played by James Remar): As long as I have the power, Kahn. You will never rule this world.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: As long as the portal remains open, your world becomes my world! (Laughs)**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And then we get a fight scene between Shao Kahn and Raiden with some crappy effects and… Jesus, that is a terrible green screen effect.**

 **(Shao Kahn does the shoulder charge move on Raiden, making him fly back into a brick wall.)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: (Laughs) You will never win.**_

"Well, got to give this film some credit. They made Shao Kahn into the cheapest bastard of the film, he did one of his moves that pissed you off while playing _MK II_ and _MK 3_ and he said one of his lines." Sean said. "Okay movie, let's see if you can keep this up."

 **(Shao Kahn fires a fireball at Raiden. Raiden jumps out of the way as Kahn misses. Raiden then performs his Electric Fly move and we hear his signature yell that was ripped from the game.)**

"Okay, you know your movie is cheap when you start ripping sounds from the fucking game." Sean said, glaring at the camera.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Raiden does manage to get the best of Shao Kahn though, but before things could between escalate between Raiden and Kahn any further, this happens.**

 **(A ninja hands Shao Kahn a whip, which he catches it to wrap Sonya Blade around her legs and knock her down. He then drags her only to have his foot stomp across her neck, choking the life out of Sonya.)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: This ends now!**_

 _ **Raiden: *to Shao Kahn* You'd hide behind a human?**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: *to Raiden* Why not, Lord Raiden? You hid behind them your entire pathetic life!**_

"Bull crap, Kahn. Raiden hid behind no one his entire life." Lucas added.

"Yeah, and Shao Kahn: A whip?!" Sean exclaimed to the camera. "Why not use your hammer? I mean, that's your signature weapon! It's like giving Indiana Jones a Super Soaker or giving Simon Belmont a frickin' AK-47! It CLEARLY does not match!"

 **(Johnny Cage sees this and becomes fed up by Kahn so much, he decides to stop him using his Shadow Kick move.)**

 _ **Sonya Blade (Played by Sandra Hess): *shouting to Johnny* N JOHNNY!**_

 **(Shao Kahn finally lets go of Sonya's neck, only to knock down Johnny with one punch, sending him and his glasses right to the ground.)**

"DENIED!" Sean and Lucas shouted altogether like a bunch of basketball announcers.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that horrendous fail, Shao Kahn decides to grab Johnny by the neck, fearing the worst for our beloved Hollywood actor, but not without giving Raiden an ultimatum.**

 _ **Shao Kahn: Surrender, Raider… or this one dies.**_

 **(Raiden then points out to both Sindel, Sheeva, Rain, Ermac and Motaro, trapping them inside an electric forcefield.)**

 _ **Raiden: Then I will take your generals. Because Earth does not bend to the will of tyrants.**_

"Damn right, Raiden." Lucas nodded before saying. "Just ask Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Kim Jong Il, Donald Trump, Superman from the Injustice series, etc. They all failed at it, or at least Trump will soon enough."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) This standstill goes on for seconds until Raiden makes a life-risking offer that Shao Kahn has to be dumb enough to refuse.**

 _ **Raiden: Trade me for Johnny Cage.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: Come bow at my feet.**_

 **(Raiden becomes quiet for several seconds until he finally lets the fighters that he trapped go from his electric forcefield.)**

"There Kahn, Raiden did it for you, and now you end up your share of the bargain." Sean said to the camera as if he was talking to Shao Kahn. "All you gotta do is let Johnny Cage go and then—"

 _ **Shao Kahn: YOU FOOL!**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: *in slow motion* JOHHHHHHHHHHNY!**_

 **(Shao Kahn immediately snaps Johnny Cage's neck, killing him much to Sonya and Liu Kang's horror.)**

Sean and Lucas both see this right away, fueled up in nothing more than anger and disappointment right away. Well, mostly on Lucas' side that is.

"Well, say goodbye to Cassie Cage ever being born, because that ain't never fucking happening now!" Lucas shouted angrily.

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Who the hell does this bitch think he is? He can't kill Johnny Cage! No! I do not approve of this!" Sean shouted at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after witnessing the death of a beloved character. You screenwriting bastards! We had to watch Sonya mourn the man who's going to be the father of Cassie Cage, our heroes escape the Emperor and his extermination squad by entering some underground cave. Then, Raiden sheds some light on what's going on.**

 _ **Raiden: Kahn has opened the portal. Your planet and Outworld has begun to merge into one realm. Think of it as hell on Earth.**_

 _ **Kitana: My mother… resurrected. How is that possible?**_

 _ **Raiden: If I am correct, your mother Sindel may be the key to all of this.**_

 _ **Liu Kang (Played by Robin Shou): This can't be! We won the tournament! The rules say that the earth is safe for another generation.**_

"Yeah Liu, you do realize that Shao Kahn can change the rules by breaking them. Like couldn't he have the new tournament in Outworld like in _Mortal Kombat II_? But instead, they had to go for an adaptation of _Mortal Kombat 3_. Well, in _Mortal Kombat 3_ , Johnny Cage was hunted down by one of Shao Kahn's extermination squads and was killed by Motaro. You guys suck." Sean said, sipping his bottle of cerveza.

 _ **Kitana: How could the Elder Gods allow this?**_

 _ **Raiden: They do not know. But Kahn…**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Admiral James T. Kirk (Played by William Shatner): KHAAAAN!**_

 _ **Raiden: …must be stopped or your world will perish.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: I beat Shang Tsung. I can beat Kahn.**_

 **(KHAAAAN!)**

 _ **Raiden: You are no match for Kahn.**_

 **(KHAAAAN!)**

 _ **Sonya Blade: If anyone's going to kill Kahn…**_

 **(KHAAAAN!)**

"Alright, enough. That joke's been done to death." Lucas said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek Into Darkness**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Spock (Played by Zachary Quinto): (After Kirk dies) KHAAAAN!**_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sean and Lucas both shouted at the camera in anger.

"I swear if someone says 'KHAAAAN' one more time, I'm gonna go up and 86 a bitch!" Lucas shouted while he brought out a samurai sword.

"Yeah! I'm not afraid to use this." Sean said while he brought out an AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol. "I will turn into Erron Black from _Mortal Kombat X_."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Knowing that Raiden damn well tells both Kang, Sonya and Kitana that they're not ready to fight Shao Kahn yet, the only way they can prepare is to travel back and forth between the human world and Outworld right before Raiden blows a hole through the walls.**

 _ **Raiden: Each of you must grow stronger together. Together, we are the only hope.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Together, we couldn't even save Johnny.**_

"Obviously, Johnny kinda brought it on himself." Lucas said to Sonya. "I mean, Liu Kang or Kitana would have saved him, but they were surrounded to do anything at this point. So, wrap your head around that."

 **Sean: (Narrating) They proceed to go on the journey as they planned via- -**

 **(The scene transitions to the part where Raiden, Kitana and Liu Kang approach very big machine like balls. Sean immediately sees this with his eyebrow raised.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Atlasphere cage balls from American Gladiators.**

 **(We see Sonya and Raiden traveling in one of the velospheres while the** _ **American Gladiators**_ **theme start playing in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Quick question: who's controlling these thing? Is that how they move? You have two people riding on it, facing each other and to top it off, you'll end up thrusting your sex pistol forward in front of the person who's facing you.**

"I can imagine how Liu Kang feels while riding in one with Kitana." Sean said, winking at the camera naughtily.

 _ **Liu Kang: This is amazing.**_

 **(After the velosphere interchanges to the right)**

 _ **Kitana: Hold on to me. Hold on to me.**_

 **(Liu holds onto Kitana)**

"Lucky bastard. If you it pause and slo-mo it, you'll see Asian Eddie Van Halen smiling." Sean said.

 **(The image then freezes to Liu Kang with a smile on his face while he's holding onto Kitana.)**

 **(A clip from the 2007 romantic comedy** _ **Knocked Up**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Club Doorman (Played by Craig Robinson): I would love to tap that ass. I would love to tear that ass up.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Emperor's temple, where we see Shao Kahn unmasked and….**

"Uh, how come Shao Kahn looks like a normal human being? I know that he's played by Brian Thompson and we all know that he played the gang member who got his heart ripped out by Arnold Schwarzenegger in _The Terminator_ and the Night Slasher in _Cobra_. He played some menacing characters in movies. But Shao Kahn isn't supposed to look like that unmasked." Sean said.

"Plus, also…" Lucas said before pointing at Shao Kahn's bald head. "Bald! Bald! Bald!"

 **(A picture of Shao Kahn's bald head is shown, forcing a sound clip from** _ **The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie**_ **to be played in the background. Sean and Lucas also chant along with both SpongeBob and the scarred fish.)**

 **Sean, Lucas, SpongeBob & Fish: (V.O.) Bald! Bald! Bald! Bald!**

 _ **Fred the Fish: MY EYES!**_

"Sorry, just had to do it. Couldn't resist." Sean smirked out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that baldy here is discussing the merger between Earth and Outworld with his father Shinnok… Excuse me, what?!**

"What in the flaming shitballs? Shinnok is Shao Kahn's father? Uh, does the screenwriting idiots know that Shinnok was a fallen Elder God? He didn't even make an appearance until _MK Mythologies: Sub-Zero_ and _Mortal Kombat 4_. Do we even know who Shao Kahn's father is? Look, I'm about to do a brutality on a bitch in a minute, who wrote this?!" Sean yelled out.

Lucas then pulled out a clipboard and read out. "Lemme see here. Uhhhh… it seems to me that potheads wrote this. Oh, and not to mention crackheads, LSD-takers, PCP-takers and basically Shao Kahn himself."

"Did I mention that Lawrence Kasanoff and John Tobias wrote this steaming pile of bison shit?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, that too." Lucas nodded as he wrote on his clipboard. "I'll write Kasanoff as one of the crackheads."

 _ **Shao Kahn: Father, the merger has begun. Earth is under attack. And it is… GLORIOUS!**_

 _ **Shinnok (Played by Reiner Schone): Tell me, did you make Raiden beg for his life before destroying him?**_

 **(Shao Kahn's smile soon turns into a look of disappointment, therefore forcing Shinnok to look up close to Shao Kahn with a look of disgust.)**

 _ **Shinnok: YOU LET HIM LIVE?!**_

"Yeah, Shao Kahn was a dumbass to do so." Lucas replied. "You can actually see it written on top of his head."

 **(A picture of Shao Kahn is shown with the words "Dumbass" displayed on his forehead red graffiti-like lettering)**

"Ah, much better." Sean nodded right away.

"Yeah, I kinda did that." Lucas smirked, pointing at Shao Kahn in the process.

 _ **Shinnok: I have broken the sacred rules to keep the portals open. If the Elder Gods learn of our plot, we shall both suffer the consequences.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: I do not understand. How can you fear the Elder Gods?**_

"Because your father was a fallen Eleder God, you fucking idiot." Sean said.

 _ **Shinnok: Do not underestimate the power of the human spirit.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or does Shao Kahn have a bit of some daddy issues? I couldn't imagine somebody so menacing have daddy issues. I mean, this is Shao Kahn! He's supposed to be like this.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat 9**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: (Before fighting Liu Kang) I am Shao Kahn! Conqueror of worlds! You will taste no victory.**_

"Hell, and even this." Sean pointed out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Shao Kahn (Voiced by the late John Vernon): Remember it well, for if you fail me again you will spend eternity there. But I am willing to give you one last chance to prove yourself worthy.**_

"You just turned this guy into a complete…" Sean said before being interrupted.

 **(Another clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat 9**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: Not one word.**_

"Sorry." Sean said as he sips his bottle of cerveza.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Liu Kang and Kitana, we see that they're searching for a Native American shaman by the name of Nightwolf. And while doing that, they get to have their little moment together.**

 _ **Kitana: Liu, if anything happens to me, I want you to…**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Kitana, I have lost everything. And I'm not going to lose you too.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And right when Liu is about to make his move on this hot piece of Edenian booty right in front of him, a certain robotic ninja from the Lin Kuei decides to cockblock him.**

 **(Smoke appears and attempts to grab Kitana, but Liu manages to turn Kitana around, therefore forcing Smoke to grab Liu Kang and throw him.)**

"Way to ruin the frickin' moment, Smoke!" Lucas snapped entirely.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, it appears that the cyborg who ruins the moment for both Liu Kang and Kitana is none other than Smoke. What a buzzkill, huh? Anyway, before he could get his hands on Kitana, Liu Kang channels his inner Ray Lewis and sacks him to the floor.**

 **(Liu Kang leaps and tackles Smoke to the ground.)**

"Holy Toledo, what a sack!" Sean exclaimed in pure shock.

"You got that right." Lucas nodded while channeling his inner football announcer. "In fact, let's see it one more time!"

 **(The clip is shown once again of Liu Kang tackling Smoke.)**

"Never gets old. Just like NFL Street." Lucas shook his head with a smirk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get our next fight scene with Liu Kang fighting Smoke and Kitana fighting a couple of ninjas. And have you notice that the stunts in this film looked silly? It's like people are jumping around on strings.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ed Wood**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bela Lugosi (Played by the late Martin Landau): Pull the string! Pull the string!**_

"Okay, Kitana better use some weapons for this fight scene so we can see somebody getting a good decapitation." Sean said.

"Yeah, I'm getting tense here." Nodded Lucas.

 **(Kitana then pulls out two strange swords coming from her leg and starts to beat down on two of the three ninjas.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh great, they give her the wrong weapon just like Shao Kahn did! Did the producers, heck, even the damn director see the frickin' game already? Kitana's not supposed to have two swords! She's supposed to have two long ass- -**

 **(Kitana then turns one of the swords into two long metal fans and blocking the third ninja's attack before responding with a kick of her own.)**

"Oh, okay, my bad." Sean nodded. "Should've just informed me next time."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So when Smoke is about to kill Liu and Kitana, a familiar face ends up saving them by giving Smoke the cold shoulder.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) By that, we mean it LITERALLY.**

 **(Sub-Zero pops out from the air and freezes Smoke completely, while at the same time, Smoke draws his missile, forcing Liu Kang to kick Smoke and dive out of the way to prevent an explosion.)**

"And BOOM goes the dynamite!" Lucas exclaimed.

"And pretty much what's left of Smoke, to be honest." Nodded Sean.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Yes, believe it or not, out fan favorite Sub-Zero is back from the dead, therefore warning both Liu Kang and Kitana the worst to come.**

 _ **Sub-Zero: *to Liu Kang* You must go. There will be others.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: *to Sub-Zero, dumbfounded* I killed you in the tournament.**_

"Yeahm what gives, Sub-Zero?" Sean shrugged his shoulders. "There's no way you would've come back alive from all that ice you've been frozen in. I mean, that's just plain ridicu- -

 **(Sub-Zero unmasks himself in front of Liu Kang and Kitana, revealing to be Kuai Liang, Bi-Han's brother.)**

Both Sean and Lucas drop their jaws to the floor in shocked fashion seeing this, alongside suspenseful music playing in the background.

"No… way…" Said the two disbelieved reviewers.

 **(A clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd is shown from the "Star Wars" episode.)**

 _ **AVGN: No… it's not true. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!**_

 _ **Sub-Zero (Played by Keith Cooke): You killed my older brother.**_

"Yeah, Liu. Don't you remember his brother? Dennis Sub-Zero." Sean said jokingly.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, we have unmasked Sub-Zero, played by martial artist Keith Cooke. And before you all ask, "Wait, didn't Sub-Zero die in the last film?". That was his brother Bi-Han, who died in the last film.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So in Bi-Han's place, we have Kuai Liang, which is by far the most popular rendition of Sub-Zero, and by far, someone who looks like he could pass up for Nicolas Cage.**

 _ **Liu Kang: So, why did you help us?**_

 _ **Sub-Zero: *points to Kitana* I helped her. Because legend has it, the princess is the key to stopping Kahn's plot.**_

 **(KHAAAAAAN!)**

"OKAY, THAT'S FUCKING IT!" Lucas shouted angrily as he pulled out some brass knuckles from Sean's coffee table. "I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE CRAPPY _STAR TREK_ REFERENCES!"

"Alright, everybody. Enough with the _Star Trek_ references. Because I don't want Lucas to end up beating somebody to death or you all don't want me to shoot somebody in the kneecaps. I have a second pistol. Which means in the words of Two-Face from _Batman: Arkham City_ , "Two guns, bitch!"." Sean said as he pulled out a second .45 ACP pistol from underneath his coffee table.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After Sub-Zero explains to both Liu Kang and Kitana that Smoke planned to go after her instead of him in hopes that Kitana couldn't come close to her mom, Sub-Zero becomes nominated for the "Good Samaritan" award when he does this.**

 **(Sub-Zero starts to shoot ice towards two separate tile, now creating an ice bridge.)**

"Wow, that's some excellent use of handiwork." Lucas nodded out.

"Yeah, let's see Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor build a bridge like that!" Sean pointed out with a smirk.

 **(A clip of** _ **Home Improvement**_ **is shown featuring Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.)**

 _ **Tim Taylor (Played by Tim Allen): *grunting* Aeuhhh?!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) However, before Sub-Zero could make it halfway towards the bridge, several spear heads start popping up from under the bridge, followed by…**

 **(Scorpion appears, jumping on the platform tile.)**

"Ho-ly crap." Lucas gulped.

"I swear, this movie is just bringing people back from the dead." Sean spoke wildly. "What is this, _Dragon Ball Z_?"

 _ **Scorpion (Played by J.J. Perry and voiced by Ed Boon): Get over here!**_

 **(Scorpion throws his spear at Sub-Zero. Sub-Zero does his Ice Clone move and dodges the spears right when the spears hit the ice clone.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another fight scene and this time it's between Sub-Zero and Scorpion while Liu Kang and Kitana watch. But they're not joining because this is Scorpion and Sub-Zero's fight. And I have a quick question, how come Scorpion came back? Do we get any explanation to why he's back?**

"Well, the drugged-out writers said, "Fuck it, let's bring back Scorpion so we can give the fanboys a fight between Scorpion and Sub-Zero."! It's official movie, you suck." Sean said, imitating Steve Ritchie's Shao Kahn.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And don't get me wrong, I love the ninja characters and hands down, Scorpion is my favorite** _ **MK**_ **character. But anyway, back to the fight scene, it's just fan service and a big fail because they don't give these characters the conflict of rival clans nor did they mention that Sub-Zero killed Scorpion's family, instead they give us a shitty fight scene!**

"I'm getting real close to raging now like I raged from getting my ass kicked by Corrupted Shinnok in _Mortal Kombat X_. And this movie is doing a hell of a good job at making me rage." Sean said, clenching his fists.

 **(Scorpion grabs Kitana and takes her to Shao Kahn)**

 _ **Scorpion: Suckers!**_

"Really? You're letting my favorite character resort to playground taunts? I'm thinking about performing a brutality on one of the screenwriters right now." Sean said.

"Heck, maybe I should throw the director into The Pit just for making Scorpion look like a turd!" Lucas said, cracking his knuckles.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Once Sub-Zero leaves Liu Kang hanging, Sonya decides to head back to Special Forces and get some assistance from her long-time partner Jax, only this time…**

 **(Sonya goes over to approach Jax, who seems to be resting under a medical blanket. While that is going on, the** _ **American Gladiators**_ **theme song starts playing in the background once the camera zooms in on Jax's familiar face.)**

"He's now played by another actual _American Gladiator_." Lucas sighed as he nodded.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ok, instead of Gregory McKinney playing Major Jackson Briggs this time around, we now have Lynn Williams playing the Special Forces muscle man himself. He of course is best known as Sabre from the "American Gladiators". But in this film, he's credited as Lynn "Red" Williams, as if he somehow got tired of using his old nickname from the TV show.**

"What's next? Have the rest of the _American Gladiators_ be named after frickin' colors now?" Sean shrugged out to the camera.

"Well, to your surprise Sean, they actually did have a Gladiator named after a color. It's a female by the name of Gold." Lucas corrected his friend.

 **(Sonya removes the medical blanket from off of Jax, revealing his arms that are fitted with bionic implants)**

 _ **Sonya Blade: What the hell have you done to yourself this time?**_

 _ **Jax (Played by Lynn "Red" Williams): Cybernetic strength-enhancers. It takes what you got. It quadruples the muscle capacity.**_

"Don't worry, Sonya he still has his arms. But I'm sad to say that he will lose his arms to Ermac in 2011." Sean said, referencing the events of _Mortal Kombat 9_. "And he should lay off the Brazzers porn, because he doesn't want to rip off Jax Jr. while watching Katrina Jade and Elsa Jean having a threesome with Kieran Lee. It won't be a pretty sight."

 _ **Jax: Alright, alright. Stand back, stand back. Let's see what I'm made of.**_

 **(Jax uses his new cybernetic arms to rip the restraints off the table he's on.)**

 _ **Jax: (Impressed) Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about.**_

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, it turns out I'm made of awesome!**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After Jax frees himself, him and Sonya try to make their escape from out of the facility, only to run into trouble by another cybernetic ninja from the Lin Kuei.**

 **(** _ **The Terminator**_ **theme by Brad Fiedel plays when Cyrax is shown)**

 _ **Jax: What the hell is that?**_

"Hey, only Hob from _RoboCop 2_ could ask that question." Sean said.

 _ **Hob (Played by Gabriel Damon): What the hell is that?**_

"And that's also my initial reaction to what we'll be seeing later on in the film. Oh, trust me. We'll get to that scene soon." Sean said as a roaring sound is heard in the background.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Jax and Sonya have ran into good ol' mustard himself, Cyrax.**

"Which brings me to another question, where the hell is Sektor? You gotta have Sektor along with Cyrax. And also, I would just like to point out that Cyrax is the only back cyborg ninja in the Lin Kuei." Sean said a photo of Cyrax before he became a cybernetic ninja from _Mortal Kombat 9_ is shown.

 _ **Cyrax: Death is the only way out. Major Briggs, Sonya Blade. Shao Kahn will be pleased.**_

 _ **Jax: Shao what?**_

 **(KHAAAAAAN!)**

Lucas becomes suddenly enraged hearing this _Star Trek_ reference so much, he pulls out his brass knucks from the coffee table and starts screaming angrily right away.

"RAAAAAGH! I FLIPPING HAD IT WITH THIS CRAP!" Lucas declared as he ran for the door.

But before he could make it to the doo though, Sean got off his couch and tackled Lucas to the floor as a way to hold him down.

"Don't! It's not worth it!" Sean shook his head.

"I DON'T CARE, THAT MEME DESERVES TO DIE!" Lucas shouted back.

 **30 Minutes Later**

Lucas is now shown looking a little deranged with his eye starting to twitch in irritating fashion.

"I like to apologize for my behavior during that godawful _Star Trek_ reference." Lucas said to the camera with his teeth grittering out of rage. "I don't know what the hell came over me, but I want it to END now!"

"You see that, movie? You see what your godawful excrement caused HIM to do now?" Sean shouted while gesturing over Lucas.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another fight scene involving Jax and Cyrax and Sonya against a bunch of ninjas that make the Foot Clan look menacing. And yes, this fight scene involves more jumping and shitty stuntwork.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And not to mention we get another fight scene in which Sonya is busy fighting a group of ninjas that makes no sense in this story at all. But of course we all know that Sonya starts owning their asses in no spare time at all.**

"Okay, let's see how the fight between Jax and Cyrax is going along." Lucas pointed out.

 **(Scene switches to Cyrax kicking Jax straight to a couple of gas tanks. Cyrax then continues to kick Jax some more, especially when one of the kicks send Jax right over the table and onto the floor.)**

"What the frickin' ass? Why in the hell is Jax being owned by a robot? Just… why?!" Lucas cried out.

"He's frickin' Jax! He's supposed to grab Cyrax right by the chest and say "GOTCHA" before punching his face in!" Sean shouted to the camera.

"What's next? Have Sabre get fucked up by WALL-E in the sequel?" Lucas suggested.

 _ **Jax: Sonya, heads up!**_

 **(Cyrax fires a green energy net from his chest. Sonya moves out of the way just in time and kicks one of the ninjas into the net. We see the ninja getting covered by the net and his whole body dissolves until he's only bones.)**

"Okay, that was pretty awesome. Alright, Jax. Time to make your move." Sean said.

 _ **Jax: Catch this!**_

 **(Jax pushes the medical table at Cyrax until the cybernetic ninja jumps out of the way and lands on the table, then charges at Jax and does a jump kick. Jax dodges it and tries to hit Cyrax bit ends up hitting the computer.)**

"Oh, come on!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **(Jax punches Cyrax in the chest, sending him flying into the wall.)**

 _ **Jax: Yeah! Now what?**_

"Thank you! Now rip off his fucking arms or break his spine. Better yet, grab him by his arms, push them down into his body, light a cigar, grab him by his mouth and rip part of his head off and put the cigar out. That would totally make me happy." Sean said, mentioning Jax's T-Wrecks fatality from _Mortal Kombat X_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Jax starts putting his cybernetic strength-enhancers to good use by beating the shit out of Cyrax but he ends up getting one of his arms stuck in the wall while trying to punch the cybernetic ninja.**

 _ **Sonya Blade: (Sees Jax having his arm stuck in the wall) Nice look, but I'd lose the wall.**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said as he removed his glasses and starts making a facepalm. "Sonya, this is no time for one-liners."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, Sonya fries Cyrax's ass after finding some flammable powder and blows it at him. I guess she performed her Kiss of Death fatality.**

 **(Sonya performs her Kiss of Death fatality on Cyrax by setting him on fire, killing him.)**

"Okay, they better have Ronda Rousey's Sonya Blade performing her Kiss of Death fatality on _Mortal Kombat 11_. If they don't, then Ed Boon shall feel my wrath." Sean said.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So after Sonya barbecues Cyrax's ass, Jax and Sonya find some sort of dragon tattoo on Cyrax's back.**

"Wait, what? Where in the flying monkey of fuck did Cyrax get a tattoo?" Sean asked.

"I don't know." Lucas shook his head. "But look at that."

 **(A dragon/butterfly hybrid emerges from the tattoo and flies away.)**

"Whoa. Never seen anything like that in my life." Lucas said, being amazed by the tiny creature.

"That's like the most surreal thing ever since ManBearPig." Sean nodded.

 **Sean: (Narrating) However, it isn't long until Cyrax leaves a detonator on, therefore forcing Sonya and Jax to get the heck out of dodge just before…**

 **(Cyrax and the Special Forces headquarters explodes, leaving Jax and Sonya to dive out of the way due to it's corny green-screen effect.)**

"Great, more of this greenscreen shit." Lucas replied with a groan.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at Shao Kahn's lair, we see some of Shao Kahn's generals, including Sindel's fine ass, having a meeting around the MK dragon symbol and they're busy talking about claiming thousands of souls on Earth.**

 _ **Rain (Played by Tyrone C. Wiggins): My squads have claimed thousands of innocent souls on Earth.**_

 _ **Motaro (Played by Deron McBee): And I will claim millions.**_

 _ **Sheeva (Played by Marjean Holden): By now, you would be behind bars on display in a zoo.**_

"Damn!" Sean and Lucas both said.

 _ **Motaro: If those bars kept me away from you, Sheeva. I would welcome them!**_

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean and Lucas both shouted out after Motaro dissed Sheeva.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So right after Motaro dissed Sheeva, the two end up trying to kill each other until Shao Kahn breaks it up and asks for a report.**

 _ **Rain: Two of earth's best warriors have already been taken, Kabal and Stryker.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: Tell me, did you make them beg for their lives before you destroyed them?**_

 _ **Rain: But master, I thought if I let them live…**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: I have no use for excuses!**_

 **(Shao Kahn grabs the hammer and slams it down on the dragon symbol as a bright light starts shining out.)**

"What the hell was that all about?" Sean asked while he was laughing. "You start having a temper tantrum after one of your generals killed Kabal and Stryker? Jesus Christ, dude. Can somebody perform a babality on Shao Kahn? I want to see what he's like as a baby."

 _ **Shao Kahn: Rain, this will never happen again.**_

 _ **Rain: It will never happen again.**_

 **(Shao Kahn swings the hammer and hits Rain in the chest, sending him flying into a pit of flames.)**

"Nice job, dumbass! You just killed off the most awesome character in _Mortal Kombat_. Bald asshole." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and to think Davey Stone from _Eight Crazy Nights_ was a douchebag. Shao Kahn takes the whole entire douchebag cake!" Lucas exclaimed.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So after another scuffle between Ermac, Sheeva and Motaro occurs on who should be the new general, Shao Kahn decides to make the decision himself.**

 _ **Shao Kahn: No. You're all too impetuous for such important work.**_

 **(Shao Kahn then looks at Sindel with a smirk on his face, forcing her to smirk right back at him.)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: You… are my new general, Queen Sindel.**_

Lucas and Sean then immediately smirk back from this scene, thinking of such naughty thoughts in their mind regarding Sindel.

"Ohhh, I love a woman who knows I can take orders from any day." Nodded a sly Lucas.

 _ **Shao Kahn: …Unless anyone has a different point of view.**_

"Hey, I have no problem with that. And you could see why he chose Sindel to be his new general, she's sexy as fuck. Damn, mmm!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Liu Kang, we see him walking through the desert looking for Nightwolf and during his search, he has an encounter with…**

 **(Liu gets attacked by a wolf)**

"Holy shit, it's one of the wolves from Far Cry 5! Kill it! Kill it!" Sean yelled out as he pulled out his gun and points it at the camera.

 **(We see that the wolf changes back into it's human form, revealing to be the one known as Nightwolf)**

"Shit! He's turned into Edward James Olmos from Wolfen! Kill it anyway!" Sean tries to fire his pistol but Lucas stops him.

"Easy, buddy, Easy. No need to shoot anyone. Yet." Lucas said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) That 2 seconds of crappy effects is known as Nightwolf, played by Litefoot from** _ **Kull the Conqueror**_ **and** _ **The Indian and the Cupboard**_ **. And I got to give credit to the filmmakers, at least they got a Native American to play the character.**

 _ **Nightwolf (Played by Litefoot): Pretty cool, huh? It's my animality.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Who are you?**_

"Liu, I just said that's Nightwolf just a few seconds ago. Open your ears." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nightwolf tries to teach Liu Kang about the power of Animality and to beat Shao Kahn, he's got to pass three tests.**

"Does the first one involve not sitting down and watch this bullshit movie? I could be out buying _Resident Evil 2_ right about now." Sean said.

 _ **Nightwolf: First one's courage.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: I don't have time for these stupid games!**_

"I'm with Liu. We don't have time for these stupid games, so can we hurry this along?" Lucas asked.

 _ **Nightwolf: That's what I thought you'd say.**_

 **(Nightwolf throws a tomahawk at Liu Kang, knocking him out by putting him in a dream state)**

"Jeez, Nightwolf! Try aiming for the head and put Asian Eddie Van Halen out of his misery why don't you? You could've killed him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Liu has himself an acid trip, as he dreams about Kitana, in a sexy-ass outfit. And then we get clips from a better movie that Lucas and I should be watching right about now. And for some reason, Liu has a dream about unmasked Shao Kahn mugging for the camera and that brings out his inner beast, which we'll get to that later in the movie.**

 _ **Shao Kahn: You will fail!**_

 **(Liu Kang wakes up only to realize that he is left all alone, therefore ending the dream.)**

"About time ya woke up, dillweed." Lucas said to Liu Kang before saying. "And to think I was gonna wake you up using these crabs to pinch you in the balls!"

Lucas then proceeded to bring out a big living crab from under the coffee table, therefore surprising Sean with a wise nod.

"Ah, nice _Viva La Bam_ reference." Sean said, giving Lucas a thumbs up.

"Yeah, it just came to me." Lucas nodded.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So once Liu Kang wakes up from his freaky acid trip, he drags himself only to see two pairs of feet for some reason. I wonder why Liu is staring at- -**

 **(Lucas is soon cut off when the camera scrolls up to see an attractive Asian woman disrobe in front of Liu Kang, revealing a scantily clad white ragged bikini. While that is going on, sexy porn music stars playing in the background.)**

 **(A clip of the cartoon** _ **Ed, Edd n Eddy**_ **is shown featuring Eddy.)**

 _ **Eddy: *smiling arousingly*HELL-LOOOOO!**_

"Oh, hello, indeed." Sean nodded with a sly smirk.

"Ah, who must this fine-ass looking babe be?" Lucas asked before asking the Asian babe. "Miss, would you like to introduce yourself to us?"

 _ **Jade (Played by Irina Pantaeva): I am Jade. I have searched the mesa for you, Liu Kang.**_

"Well, nice to meet you Jade. Wait, that's Jade? What the hell happened to her green outfit? Shouldn't she be in that like in the games? But I'm okay with her wearing that." Sean said with a seductive smirk on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Jade tries to seduce Liu Kang to see if he would give in to temptation.**

 _ **Liu Kang: This is almost to good to be true.**_

"I know. If only you could add Kitana to the mix, it would be an awesome threesome and an excellent idea for a _Mortal Kombat_ smut story. Nobody has ever thought about writing a smutty Mortal Kombat story involving Liu Kang having a threesome with Kitana and Jade? Somebody better make it happen." Sean said.

"Oh, I'm SO on it." Lucas smirked as he pulled out his tablet, only to have a look of disappointment gleam on his face. "Oh, damn. I don't have any room. All of my documents are nothing more than Ross Lynch and Dove Cameron smutfics."

"Damn." Sean groaned before saying. "Well, at least Lucas here had the right idea."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So while Liu rubs his face around Jade's creamy white skin, which she doesn't have in the games, our favorite emerald-wearing ninja decides to up the ante by kissing the holy hell out of Liu Kang.**

 **(Jade kisses Liu Kang right on the lips, only for him to break free.)**

 _ **Liu Kang: No. My heard… belongs to another.**_

"Well, I'm sure if Kitana saw you getting kissed by her best friend like that, best be sure you wouldn't live to have kids." Lucas nodded in spite of Liu Kang.

"Imagine that cheating scenario, but with Joey Greco hosting all of it as it goes on." Sean nodded too.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Unfortunately, Jade doesn't take rejection well as she backhands Liu in the face like a pimp and transforms into her emerald green out fit and she's armed with a sharp-pointed staff.**

 _ **Liu Kang: Is this just another dream?**_

"Nope, this is for real and she's gonna kick your fucking ass." Sean said.

 **(Jade tries to strike Liu Kang with her spear, but Kang manages to dodge nonstop until Jade immediately starts choking Liu Kang by the neck using the same spear.)**

 _ **Jade: How can you manage to defeat Shao Kahn, when I alone am too much for you?**_

"Well, if ya keep dominating Liu Kang like that, maybe he'll tell ya." Lucas smirked with a wink.

"I'll tell ya, I wish I was Liu Kang myself." Sean nodded, smirking widely. "That way I can be dominated by Jade and I wouldn't even care at the least."

Lucas then chuckled as he said. "Enjoy the mark around your neck though, because damn, she is that rough."

 **Sean: (Narrating) As it turns out, this was just a test. Oh really, I thought this was Jade's way of foreplay.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Oh really? Because I thought THIS right here was.**

 **(Scene switches to the part where Liu Kang and Jade try to outwrestle each other in unexpected positions, while at the same time panting in a sex-like fashion. But they were still clothed.)**

"Holy hell, I haven't seen this much dry humping since _Ride to Hell Retribution_." Lucas smirked out before sipping his cerveza.

 _ **Liu Kang: (After Jade laughs) First you betray me, now you laugh?**_

 _ **Jade: You are even more pure and faithful than I heard. You have passed the test, Liu Kang.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: A test? This was just another one of Nightwolf's crazy tests? We could have killed each other!**_

 _ **Jade: But we'll live.**_

"Live to see that threesome with Kitana and Jade, am I right?" Sean asked with a smirk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Jade takes him to the temple of the Elder Gods and she agrees to help Liu Kang in saving Kitana. And speaking of Kitana, she's just hanging around in Shao Kahn's Tower in a cage like she's frickin' Tweety Bird, so Baldy tries to give her some wine as forgiveness for her past betrayals.**

 **(Kitana drinks some wine and spits it out on Shao Kahn's face)**

"Ha! Take that you bald-ass bastard. She should've opted for punching him in the face or use that wine goblet to hit him on the head." Sean said.

 _ **Kitana: You have destroyed my family. You drove my mother to kill herself. I am your enemy forever. So kill me now… if you dare.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: (Dramatic pause): Foolish… child.**_

"Don't you just love how these characters are using dramatic pauses for their lines?" Sean asked.

 **(A montage of certain characters doing a dramatic pause while saying their lines)**

 _ **Kitana: Mother… you're alive?**_

 _ **Sindel: Too bad you… will die.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: Earth is under attack… AND IT IS GLORIOUS!/Foolish… child.**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Back with Sonya and Jax, they're walking through the wasteland and they get into an argument with each other.**

 _ **Jax: You keep talking to me like that, Sonya, and I'm gonna split, alright? Look, you dragged me out o the base with some lunatic killers after us, out me in a spinning ball, take me halfway around the world. If I'm gonna die today, at least tell me why.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Nobody told me why Johnny had to die.**_

"Because Linden Ashby read the script and turned it down. He though it was a piece of shit." Lucas said.

 _ **Jax: Okay Sonya, I'm your partner. If you can't trust me, who can you trust?**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Well obviously nobody but me.**_

"Uh, remember in the last film when Raiden said this to Sonya?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Raiden (Played by Christopher Lambert): You Sonya… are afraid to admit even you sometimes need help. If you are afraid to trust.. you will lose.**_

"Well, obviously Sonya hasn't learn a fucking thing since the first movie!" Sean yelled at the camera. "Fuck! I just want to uppercut Lawrence Kasanoff's ass up in the air in the bell tower and make him fall through a couple of floors until he gets impaled by spikes. John Tobias however, I'm gonna let him live."

 _ **Jax: And who the hell is Johnny?**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Uh, he's the actor guy who died, remember? What kind of pot you've been smoking? Anyway, going off topic, while Sonya keeps on walking through, a pair of ninja sais are thrown right at her, forcing Sonya to take cover.**

 **(The camera zooms in on Sonya with sais being drawn towards her with a pair of hands, forcing Sonya to backflip in order to evade the oncoming attack caused by another** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **fan favorite, Mileena. Sonya, looking all muddy, looks towards the attacker in disbelief.)**

 _ **Sonya Blade: *looking puzzled* Kitana?**_

 _ **Mileena (Played by Dana Hee): You wish!**_

Sean and Lucas suddenly look flabbergasted hearing this coming from Sonya herself.

After a second filled with silence, Sean took a deep breath before shouting. "THAT'S MILEENA, NOT KITANA! YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? IT'S SIMPLE! KITANA HAS FANS FOR WEAPONS, NOT SAIS! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, JUST HOW FRICKIN' STUPID ARE YOU, SONYA!?"

"I swear, she makes Lindsay from _Total Drama_ and Kelly Bundy from _Married… With Children_ look smart by comparison!" Lucas said before complaining.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get, you guessed it, another fight scene. Jesus, there's too many fight scenes in this movie and I don't recall the first film having that many.**

"I mean look at this, they're giving us a fight scene between Sonya and Mileena… and they're both covered in mud. Breasts heaving, touching one another, rolling around, hitting each other… pulling each other's hair. You know I hate to admit this, this is pretty hot." Sean smirked.

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're probably right." Lucas nodded, replying with a smirk. "Heck, if this was a XXX parody, we'd have Mia Malkova and Asa Akira as both Sonya and Mileena altogether. Make this catfight even better."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Throughout the fight, Mileena gets the upper hand at the start, but after a sexy technical display full of mud wrestling and MMA combined, it wasn't long until Sonya Blade goes all Ronda Rousey on her ass and wins with a little break on the arm and a little death boot to the face. Seriously, that little move kills Mileena. I'm not lying.**

"Imagine if Ronda Rousey uses that move on Becky Lynch in their RAW Women's Championship Match at WrestleMania 35." Lucas said before replying. "That would make PPV numbers go frickin' up in a second, therefore killing "The Man". But seriously: Go Becky Lynch."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after we see another dragon butterfly pop out of Mileena's skin for some reason…**

 **(Sonya looks up to see a skinless lizard hybrid emerge from stone and attack her, forcing Sonya to move away just in time.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see a godawfully bad CGI creature that looks like what would happen if an actual lizard and the Summoned Skull from** _ **Yu-Gi-Oh**_ **bred together.**

"I obviously don't know how in the hell they even try with those graphics." Sean said before facepalming himself.

"They're like something you pretty much see in _Doom_ out of all people." Lucas said, referring to the 1993 FPS video game.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And right before the bad CGI creature tries to take a bite out of Sonya, Jax swoops in and saves her just in the nick of time and starts punching the shit out of the creature until it literally crawls back into the hole if came from.**

 _ **Sonya Blade: Thanks, Jax. I, uh. I owe you one.**_

 _ **Jax: I don't know how much I can take all this. But you do look good in mud.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Jax!**_

 _ **Jax: Well, you do.**_

"Agreed." Sean and Lucas both said.

 _ **Sonya Blade: Ugh, I got to go find a river.**_

"If you do, can we watch you wash up? Because we would love to see you…" Sean said before getting interrupted.

 **(Shao Kahn's extermination squad arrives)**

"Son of a bitch!" Sean yelled out. "Why, movie? Why couldn't you let us enjoy one thing?"

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Raiden is at the temple of the Elder Gods to speak with them and he asks the Elder Gods three questions.**

 _ **Raiden: Why was this treachery allowed?**_

 _ **Elder God #1: We do not control the destiny of man.**_

 _ **Elder God #2: Everyone possesses the ability to change their fate.**_

 _ **Raiden: So, you'll stand by and watch the ruination of earth?**_

 _ **Elder God #3: You are correct.**_

"Sounds like the producers of the movie in a nutshell." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Elder Gods ask Raiden if he believes that the humans are worth saving, and then they ask them this question.**

 _ **Elder God #1: Do you love them enough to sacrifice your immortality?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before he gives them an answer, we check in on Sonya and Jax as they arrive at the temple of the Elder Gods and they reunite with Liu Kang and Jade tries to attack Sonya and Jax.**

 _ **Liu Kang: Is that Jax?**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: Yeah, who is she?**_

 _ **Liu Kang: Jade, this is Sonya Blade.**_

 _ **Jax: Major Jackson Briggs.**_

 **(Jax shakes Jade's hand. The camera pans up from her legs to her face)**

 _ **Jax: You've got an incredible set of legs… for kicking, I mean.**_

"I wonder if Jade is flexible so I can push her legs back behind her head, if you know what I mean." Sean winked naughtily.

"Plus, is it just me or do I envision Cindy Starfall playing as Jade herself? Because that would be hot." Lucas nodded in unison. "Don't worry, the chick playing Jade in this film is pretty hot too."

 **Lucas: (Narrating) However, the meeting doesn't last long as Shao Kahn's minions riding on horses crash the party, forcing Liu, Sonya, Jax and Jade to run for the hills in order to find Raiden.**

 **(The four make it up to a hill, just to see that there is no Raiden around)**

 _ **Liu Kang: He's not here either.**_

 _ **Jax: So we just gonna sit here and wait for this dude to show?**_

 _ **Liu Kang: *to Jax* Without Raiden, it's hopeless.**_

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he'll show up, Liu." Lucas nodded. "Right now, I bet he'll appear without no warning whatsoever and- -"

 **(Liu Kang, Sonya, Jax and Jade look up to see Raiden appear via front flip. He soon lands on his feet and appears with a brand new look, including short blonde hair, black vest and baggy khaki pants. While that is happening, the song "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol is playing in the background.)**

"Somehow he becomes Billy Idol." Lucas said in complete shock before shouting. "WHAT THE FUCK, RAIDEN?!"

 _ **Liu Kang: Raiden?**_

 _ **Raiden: It's a new look.**_

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus." Sean said. "Who came up with this look for Raiden? Whoever came up with it deserves a Johnny Cage punch in the nuts for coming up with that look."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now I can spend hours at how dumb this looks but I'm not going to do that. As Shao Kahn, Sindel and his soldiers arrive on horseback like the friggin' knights of the crusade and hell, we see Shao Kahn without the skull mask. He's just wearing his helmet just so the filmmakers can show Brian Thompson's face.**

"Seriously? Shao Kahn riding on horseback in only his helmet? Are you fucking kidding me?! You don't see Shao Kahn in The Pit III fighting somebody in only his helmet. Except for that time when Liu Kang or Kung Lao threw his war hammer at him knocking off his helmet just to show his ugly-ass face in Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, I'm okay with that. This, I'm not okay with it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Raiden tries to make a portal to enter Outworld, but he's having a difficult time doing so.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Hmmm, I wonder why?**

 _ **Raiden: My powers are leaving me.**_

 _ **Jax: *to Sonya* Who does this dude think he is? Moses parting the Red Sea?**_

"Sure, if you like the idea of Moses dressed up as a British punk rocker/former thunder god." Lucas said with a nod.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Raiden is trying to create a portal to get into Outworld, Shao Kahn gives Sindel an order to destroy everything by doing this.**

 **(Sindel does her signature scream to destroy everything, including the temple)**

"Okay, give me a few minutes with Sindel so I can make her scream in the bedroom." Sean smirked naughtily.

"Betcha I can make it only a minute." Lucas said, pulling out his $20 just to wave at Sean's face.

"Oh, you're on!" Sean said, pulling out his other $20.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So right when Sindel destroys everything with her screams, Raiden finally opens the portal to Outworld and our heroes jump in and see that the realms are merging.**

 _ **Raiden: Time is against us.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: We have to stop this.**_

 _ **Jade: To do that, we must rescue Kitana.**_

"Oh, and how do you supposed to do that?" You have any bright ideas?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jade: I know Kahn took Kitana back to his fortress.**_

"What fortress? That fortress? The silly looking fortress with the horns on it which looks like _Pee-Wee's Nightmare Playhouse_?" Sean asked as an image of Shao Kahn's fortress from the movie is shown before switching over to his fortress from _Mortal Kombat 3_. "Shouldn't they go to that scary looking fortress with Shao Kahn's face on it and the red swirling vortex in the sky hovering over it and it's right in the middle of New York City? Shouldn't they go to that one?"

 _ **Jax: Hold up. Hold up. Kahn?**_

 **(KHAAAAAAAAA….)**

Sean picks up his gun and shoots James T. Kirk, ending the meme as he puts his gun down on the coffee table. "There! I killed the meme! I'm getting sick and tired of it! Let's get back to the film!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Shao Kahn, we see him and Shinnok talking to each other and we get more of Baldy's daddy issues.**

 _ **Shao Kahn: I promise you, father, on my soul. All the millenniums of planning will be rewarded. You will be proud.**_

 _ **Shinnok: Know this… I will take your soul myself if you fail me now.**_

 **(Shao Kahn stays quiet for a bit)**

"Awwww, what's the matter? Is Shao Kahn sad? Do you need a daddy tissue for your daddy issues? You poor baby." Sean taunts the emperor of Outworld.

"I swear, this looks like one of those depressing touching moments that always happens in family sitcoms." Lucas shook his head before replying. "You know what I'm talking about? You get a life lesson being told by the dad right to their kid right as background music starts playing? I wonder what it would have looked like between Shao Kahn and Shinnok…"

And then, Lucas starts thinking of the entire scene right in his head. A vision starts playing in Shao Kahn's bedroom in which Shao Kahn, played by Sean, is sitting on his bed while Shinnok, played by Lucas, gets on his knees and starts talking to him.

"What's the matter, son?" Lucas/Shinnok asked.

"I didn't get the job that I wanted." Sean/Shao Kahn sighed depressingly. "I worked so hard to become ruler of Earthrealm, but that no-good Raiden took it out of my hands. It's not fair! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing more of Baldy's daddy issues, we check back on our heroes as they come across…**

 **(They find a temple)**

 _ **Liu Kang: This must have been Edenia. The royal family's temple. Kitana told me I would find it here.**_

"How the fuck would you know that's the royal family's temple? Did Kitana show you a photo of what it looked like before it turned into…" Sean said before getting interrupted.

 **(Sindel screams and we cut back to Sean and Lucas, Sean removes his glasses after the lenses break from Sindel's scream)**

"Okay, you know what? I'm gonna start wearing contacts because I'm getting sick and tired of my glasses breaking every fucking time I do a review!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sindel shows up along with…**

 **(Three invisible ninjas appear in bad CGI animation)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) In some shitty CGI effects. And those three ninjas are supposed to be, uh, Reptile. Movie, care to explain to us why there are three Reptiles?**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Better yet, the movie hadn't even told us why Reptile was back in the first place. Last time I knew, he was being bicycle kicked and stomped to death in the original Mortal Kombat by Liu Kang. Oh, and yeah, remember this guy?**

 **(A picture of Keith Cooke as Sub-Zero pops up.)**

"Yeah, believe this or not, but Keith Cooke, the guy who is playing Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, actually played Reptile in Mortal Kombat." Lucas pointed out. "Wrap your head around that everyone."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get, can you take a guess what we get next?**

"Ooh, ooh, ooh!" Lucas said as he raised his hand.

"Yes, Lucas?" Sean asked as the Wheel of Fortune theme starts playing in the background.

"Is it another fight scene?" Lucas asked.

"Lucas Hackett, you're correct!" Sean exclaimed as the audience applauds. "And for your prize, you get to sit down and watch this scene."

"Dammit!" Lucas shouted.

 **(Sindel throws her screams at Raiden, which knocks him into a wall. The three Reptiles all surround Raiden for a second before their fight starts with Raiden backing away from them doing flips. The three Reptiles are going after him via flips as well, which makes Lucas confused as hell.)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) What the hell am I watching here, a fight scene or a poorly choreographed dance scene from You Got Served? Seriously, that's what it looks like. Anyway, this fight is so confusing, it starts to look like a ballerina dance with kicks added to it. But oh man, I guess the one cool thing I like about was the fact Raiden did this right here.**

 **(Raiden uppercuts one of the Reptiles over the ceiling, creating a huge hole in the process.)**

"Yep, they added one of those 'super' uppercuts from Mortal Kombat 3 in this movie." Lucas nodded out. "You know what I mean because in MK3, whenever the player would uppercut his or her opponent, they would fly up to another stage. I wonder what it would be like if someone did that in real life?"

"If someone did that in real life, then you'll see that person splattered all over the ceiling." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Raiden defeats the Reptiles, we cut back to Jax, Sonya and Jade as…**

 **(We see Jax holding an unconscious Sindel by the hair.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute, when did they knock her out off-screen? Are you trying to tell me that we missed some hot girl on girl action between Sonya and Sindel?!**

"God! You're an asshole, movie!" Sean yelled at the camera.

"I guess the director sees why none of us can't have nice things." Lucas snarled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Liu Kang, he sneaks into Shao Kahn's fortress to save Kitana while Shao Kahn gives out a speech that would make his daddy proud of him.**

 _ **Shao Kahn: You are to witness to the dawning of mankind's final day.**_

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, because everyone is basically gonna commit suicide after watching your lousy-ass speech. While Baldy is continuing his rant, Liu Kang meets up with Kitana, only to realize it's somehow gotten quiet for some reason.**

"I'm pretty sure it's another pause like we've seen in every other suspense movie." Sean rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing." Lucas shrugged out. "I'm sure right now Liu Kang is gonna break Kitana out of that cage nicely and…"

 _ **Kitana: *to Liu Kang* It's a trap, Liu! Leave!**_

 **(A hooded man with blades come swinging in by surprise, forcing Liu Kang to duck down)**

Lucas immediately becomes surprised by this scene so much, he forces a stream full of cerveza down his shirt, forcing him to cause a fuss.

"Ah great, my favorite Slayer shirt, and it all got ruined thanks to this fartknocker in blades." Lucas groaned in response.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Liu is about to release Kitana from her cage, we see that the hooded man with blades is revealed to be Baraka, or as I like to call him "Baraka Obama".**

 **(Baraka reveals himself)**

"Oh, sweet Jesus. Is it just me or does Baraka look fucking ridiculous? Movie, why do you have to be so cheap? It's just some guy wearing a silly-looking mask. At least you could do is get a makeup artist to create the makeup for Baraka instead of going down to Party City to buy a mask." Sean said.

 **(Baraka starts swinging in on a chain)**

 _ **Kitana: Up there!**_

 **(Liu sees Baraka swinging in and ducks down)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another fight scene in which they make Baraka weak as hell.**

"Hey, someone's gotta make Liu Kang look strong for his upcoming battle with Shao Kahn, so why not him?" Lucas replied to Sean.

 **(Two more hooded men with blades show up)**

"What the hell?! Where did these two assholes show up?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) That doesn't matter because these two don't serve no purpose, so that leaves Baraka and Liu and the deadly Tarkatan warrior have a showdown on top of Kitana's cage, which ends with Liu kicking Baraka's ass into a pit of flames.**

 **(We see reused footage of Rain falling into the pit of flames instead of Baraka)**

"By the way, don't you just love how cheap the producers of this movie are? Their budget is so low, they had to re-use footage of Rain's death for Baraka. Can you say cheapality?" Sean asked.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After Liu defeats Baraka, he saves Kitana just in time for Sheeva to show up.**

 _ **Sheeva: The date's over.**_

"Alright, I hope we get a fight scene between Kitana and Sheeva. I am so pumped for…" Sean said.

 **(Liu and Kitana swing out of the cage as Liu throws the sword at the chains, causing the cage to fall on Sheeva)**

Sean suddenly becomes enraged as he threw his cerveza bottle down on the floor and picks up his gun.

"THAT'S IT! SOMEBODY'S GONNA DIE…. CASSIE CAGE BRUTALITY-STYLE!" Sean screamed out.

Before a rage-induced Sean could run for the door, Lucas immediately tackled Sean to the floor as a way to hold him down.

"Don't, Sean! It's not worth going to prison for!" Lucas cried out with grittering teeth.

"I DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA PUT SOME LEAD IN SOMEONE'S ASS!" Sean shouted back.

But then all of a sudden, Dave the camera man and especially Sean's girlfriend Taylor all came in and held Sean down as well.

 **30 Minutes Later**

Sean now appeared looking very erratic and messy, even going so far to make his eye twitch out of pure rage. Lucas on the other hand, was doing his best to calm him down to the best of his ability.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my behavior making me act so murderous towards a shitty movie." Sean gritted his teeth in anger to the camera. "It was wrong for me not to think twice before acting like the way I was."

"Sorry it happened to me to." Lucas nodded before asking Sean. "Will this hot Brazzers scene between Richelle Ryan and two men on my tablet cheer you up?"

"Sure, that will cheer me up. Especially a girl/girl scene between Alina Lopez and Molly Stewart. That would definitely cheer me up." Sean said.

"No problem." Lucas smirked over to Sean, handing him the tablet. After that, Lucas looked over to the camera and said. "Yeah, this might be another 20 minutes everyone."

 **24 Minutes Later…**

Sean appeared now looking very energetic and pumped up on the couch while Lucas looked on with an acceptable nod.

"I'm not gonna lie, but that scene felt great!" Nodded Sean.

"You know what they say, Brazzers makes everything work!" Lucas said, winking and giving a thumbs up to the camera before the words 'The More You Know' started appearing above their heads.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Liu Kang and Kitana would soon reunite with their friends only for Kitana to demand where her mother is. Luckily, Raiden does manage to accept her demand and takes her to see Sindel, reminding her that only the love between mother and daughter can awake her and break Shao Kahn's control.**

 **(Kitana goes over to see Sindel, who's resting on a stone table. The princess reached towards Sindel's hand before kissing her on her forehead, awaking Sindel from her sleep.)**

 _ **Sindel: *to Kitana* Oh, Kitana…**_

 _ **Kitana: *to Sindel* I have prayed for the day when our love would bring us together again.**_

Sean and Lucas watch over in pure breathless silence watching this scene, not even knowing what to make of this.

But after a good 10 seconds of staying shut, Sean chuckled a bit and said. "Well, that's some good family incest for a bad Mortal Kombat movie."

"Somehow, I hope someone saw this and got inspired to write a Sindel/Kitana smutfic right away." Lucas said.

"If they did, then I'm reading it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just when you think things are about to be normal between mother and daughter, Sindel pulls the ultimate fake-out move on her daughter and does her epic Joker laugh.**

"God, do I have to reference Batman: Mask of the Phantasm in this review? Because I think that's enough of me referencing my favorite Batman movie." Sean said.

 _ **Sindel: Love? I have never loved you. You're such a pathetic child as you where wheezing when I was there to live.**_

"So much for motherly love." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right after Sindel whips her hair back and forth like Willow Smith, we get another shocker.**

 _ **Jade: *to Liu and Kitana* It's over, you fools. You've been tricked.**_

 _ **Sindel: The legend was a lie. Kahn's portals stay open. Now the merger is nearly complete.**_

 _ **Liu Kang: *to Jade* How could you do this to us?**_

 _ **Jade: *to Liu Kang* It was sooooooo easy.**_

Suspenseful music starts playing in the background hearing this, leaving both Lucas and Sean shocked and appalled as ever for a good five seconds. They remain like that for a while until Lucas finally speaks up in response to Jade's betrayal.

"Jade becomes a traitor?" Lucas asked to the camera before replying. "And to think she wanted to get inside Liu Kang's pants for nothing!"

Sean then scoffed with his arms folded. "You're telling me. Can't believe she played all of them like that. It's like what Al Bundy said…"

 **(A clip of** _ **Married… With Children**_ **starts playing showing Al Bundy)**

 _ **Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Women. Can't live with them… the end!**_

 **(Sindel continues to laugh and spin around while Jade sneaks behind the group's back and walks away)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Jade runs away like the betraying bitch that she is, Sindel starts spinning around like an idiot and disappears.**

"Ehhhh, to be honest, that spin wasn't convincing enough." Lucas shook his head. "It should've been more like this."

 **(The scene of Sindel spinning around plays again, but with the 1970s Wonder Woman theme playing in the background)**

"Ah, now that's better." Sean smirked out with a nod.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Sindel and Jade escape, our heroes are screwed, which makes Jax pissed off at Raiden and getting ready to rip off his arms.**

"And then we get a shocking revelation between Shao Kahn and Raiden, it's so stupid that I don't know how long that Lucas and I could contain our anger and keep us from killing somebody." Sean said.

"And if you have a pillow to scream your head into, feel free to do so as you watch this." Lucas said, warning the viewers watching at home.

 _ **Raiden: My father's an Elder God. And only they can bestow such a marking.**_

 _ **Sonya Blade: *to Raiden* Your dad's an Elder God? Funny how you failed to mention that before.**_

 _ **Jax: *to Raiden* If your father's an Elder God, what does that make Kahn?**_

 **(Raiden turns to Liu Kang, Kitana, Jax and Sonya with a look of disappointment on his face, albeit a bit serious)**

 _ **Raiden: Shao Kahn is my brother.**_

Once again, both Lucas and Sean remain silent from this moment, not even knowing what to say from this revelation. It remained like that for a good 10 seconds until one of them finally screamed out something.

"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS, MOVIE! SINCE WHEN IN THE GAME DID THEY MENTION THAT SHAO KAHN AND RAIDEN ARE BROTHERS?!" Sean yelled out at the camera. "Remember my _RoboCop 3_ review when I mentioned that the movie is bad amateur fan fiction? Well, this is really bad amateur fan fiction!"

 **(A clip from** _ **The West Wing**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Toby Zeigler (Played by Richard Schiff): Wow, that was just about the worst writing I've ever heard.**_

 _ **Sam Seaborn (Played by Rob Lowe): (Takes off his glasses) I know.**_

"This was a revelation that pissed off Mortal Kombat fans. I watched this movie when I was like seven years old and I rented it from Blockbuster Video along with the video game War Gods on the Nintendo 64 and I thought that this revelation was stupid and till this day forward, I still do!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of pissed off, Baldy here is fifty shades of pissed off at Jade because of her stupidity.**

 _ **Jade: We could never have stopped them alone.**_

 _ **Sindel: Listen to her. She speaks the truth. We would've died trying.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: You. You are already dead.**_

"Well, damn. No need to be a dick towards Sindel. It's official, he's won the Douchebag of the Year award." Lucas said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And since Jade failed, her punishment is death… by a bad CGI version of the bug from Men In Black.**

 **(The creature eats Jade and burps as Shao Kahn smiles in satisfaction before the dragon goes back into the wall)**

"Well, that was dumb. Couldn't you at least bash her brains in with your war hammer?" Sean asked.

 _ **Shao Kahn: You will mount a defense around my newest temple. Prepare for Raiden to make one last attack.**_

 _ **Sindel: You said Raiden was no longer to be feared.**_

"Yeah, why should they fear this bald loser with daddy iss…." Sean said before getting interrupted.

 _ **Shao Kahn: (Yells) I AM TO BE FEARED!**_

Lucas almost spills his cerveza and Sean jumps back against the couch in fear after getting intimidated by Shao Kahn.

"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Shao Kahn: But if you fail me now, I will feed your rotting corpse to the worms!**_

"Okay, about those daddy issue jokes, I apologize for making fun of you, just don't feed Sindel's fine ass to the worms." Sean said.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So after we hear more of Raiden's bullshit family history on why Shinnok lied to Raiden and supporting Kahn instead, it's now finally time for the final showdown between good and evil. It's Earthrealm warriors vs. Shao Kahn's cronies. It'll be like chocolate vs. peanut butter, MTV vs. VH1, WWE vs WCW. Heck, even any team in the NFL vs the New England Patriots at the Super Bowl!**

"Alright, will Raiden be joining the fight?" Sean asked.

 _ **Raiden: I will pray for you all.**_

"Fuck you, thunder god! You got them into this mess. You get in there and join them, you pussy!" Sean shouted.

"Don't make me have to break this bottle and shove this broken glass up your skull, you Billy Idol ripoff!" Lucas threatened to the camera while holding his cerveza tightly.

 **(Footage from** _ **Mortal Kombat 11**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Raiden: There are fates worse than death.**_

 **(Raiden cuts off Shinnok's head with his lightning blade)**

Sean and Lucas both stay silent for a moment. But after only 10 seconds full of silence, Lucas uttered out in fear, "N-n-n-never mind, then…"

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Well, that was chilling to watch. Anyway Liu Kang, Sonya, Jax and Kitana soon approach the bad foursome of Motaro, Ermac, Sindel and Shao Kahn as they stand on top of some tower. I'm guessing this pays homage to one of MK's fight towers for some reason.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And before this fight turns into a giant bloody fatality, Raiden jumps in and tries to end his family squabbles with his brother and father. I don't think that Maury Povich will deal with their family issues.**

 _ **Raiden: Father, you alone have the power to end this.**_

 _ **Shinnok: Stop! I do not want to remember you this weak!**_

 _ **Raiden: It is not weak to value life!**_

"Uh, Raiden. Shouldn't you say something like this?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Warriors**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ajax (Played by James Remar): I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Shinnok demands that Raiden submits to him and restore their broken family, but the moral thunder god refuses.**

"Alright, Raiden. You know what to do, I want you to snap Baldy's neck like he did with Johnny Cage. I don't care if he's your brother, you just kill him." Sean said.

 **(Shao Kahn fires an energy blast at Raiden and kills him)**

"It's official, you suck!" Sean yelled out.

"Yeah, what he said." Lucas nodded in unison. "You can rot, Shao Kahn!"

 _ **Spock: Khan!**_

Before Sean knew it, Lucas then immediately snapped out of anger from the dead Star Trek meme. So much that Lucas took an AK-47 from under Sean's coffee table and gunned down the picture of Spock from _Star Trek Into Darkness_ with multiple bullet holes.

Lucas then put the AK-47 down and screamed. "THERE, NOW SPICK AND THAT MEME FRICKIN' DEAD TOO!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Raiden dies. This angers Liu Kang and he's going to make Baldy tasete his own blood. And then our fighters get ready for battle. We got Liu Kang going up against Shao Kahn, Kitana going up against her mother, Sonya taking on Ermac and….**

 **(The** _ **American Gladiators**_ **theme starts playing)**

 _ **Jax: (On Motaro) Mr. Ed is mine.**_

"Oh yeah, we get Sabre vs. Malibu." Sean nodded with a smirk.

"Honestly, where's Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka when you need them? This is so awesome!" Lucas smirked as well.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) The fight we focus on first between big man Jax and man horse Motaro. Before the fight, Jax gives Mr. Ed some fighting words as a start.**

 _ **Jax: Yeah, I'm gonna make you eat that thing.**_

 **(Motaro responds with a huge whip of his taik, knocking Jax a bit far away.)**

"Ouch!" Sean hissed painfully. "I guess that tail decided to eat back."

"I never seen Jax eat shit since Malibu get knocked out of the Human Cannonball pretty good." Lucas nodded again, referring to the _American Gladiators_ event.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just like in** _ **Mortal Kombat 3**_ **, they made Motaro a cheap son of a bitch. I mean look at him, he's giving Jax a difficult time!**

 **(After beating up Jax, Motaro grabs Jax by the arm and rips off one of his metal arms.)**

 _ **Shao Kahn: Yes!**_

"Oh! No, he did not just rip off one of Jax's metal arms. This centaurian bitch has the audacity to do that kinf of thing, like bouncing your projectile attacks off of you when you try to attack him." Sean said, referencing Mortal Kombat 3.

 _ **Motaro: Without your weapons, you are no match for Motaro!**_

 **(Motaro then hits Jax in his face with his own metal arm)**

"Damn!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) We see that things aren't looking good for our heroes. Shao Kahn beats up Liu Kang, Kitana gets beaten up by her own mother…**

"Please don't kill your own mother." Sean said.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) And to top it all off, Sonya gets double teamed by Ermac and Noob Saibot.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Man, I haven't seen a double team like that since Mia Malkova got double teamed by two guys in Brazzers' parody of** _ **Die Hard**_ **.**

"First of all, does anyone ever recall seeing Ermac use powers like that?" Lucas pointed out to Ermac. "I'm sure as hell don't because last time I recall, only Noob has the ability to create another clone on himself. Ermac only uses the power of souls. And don't they usually turn green when doing so? I swear, somebody bring Robert Stack to life because this is definitely an unsolved mystery I can't explain."

"Thank you for pointing that out. We've never seen Ermac do anything like this in the game. Only Noob Saibot does that. Shouldn't John Tobias tell Lawrence Kasanoff and John R. Leonetti that's not what Ermac does? To quote Angry Joe: 'you done fucked it up!'" Sean shouted at the camera.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) However, it ain't over yet as Jax soon gets a second wind and then-**

 **(Jax uppercuts Motaro from the waist down, making the centaur wince in pain.)**

"DAMN!" Both Lucas and Sean shouted altogether.

"That hurt worse than a joust stick to the face!" Sean said as he cringed.

 **(The camera then shows a picture of Jax without his metal arms, only revealing his bare muscular arms in it's place.)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) Here's something I don't get out of all of this. Why in the holy hell does Jax have his arms back? Did they even play Mortal Kombat 3 at all? The last time I recall, Jax had his arms stripped out of him thanks to that red dillhole Ermac.**

"Altogether now." Sean said.

Both Sean and Lucas took a deep breath before saying this famous line from Angry Joe. "YOU DONE FUCKED IT UP!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Jax gets his arms back and starts beating the shit out of Motaro while Kitana starts defeating her mother with a few kicks to the face.**

"Okay, I know that a fight between Kitana and her hot MILF of a mom is hot but let's check back in with Jax and Motaro and I think we need the appropriate music for the fight." Sean said,

 **(The American Gladiators theme song plays in the background once more as Jax hits a backhand, dodges a left hook from Motaro, hits Motaro in the back and nails a 3-hit combo right before Jax delivers a David Lee Roth-like spin kick to Motaro's face, knocking him down.)**

"Ohhh and Sabre knocks down Malibu for the count, therefore relegating him to nothingness!" Sean said, channeling his inner Mike Adamle.

Lucas, who was now channeling sporting a stylish Larry Csonka moustache, and said in boisterous fashion. "And with a hit like that, I think it's about time we check it out on the Zonk-a-strator!"

 **(The clip plays once again, but a bit slowly as lines and squiggles were drawn as if to analyze the moves Jax was making.)**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) You see right here, Jax punches, ducks down, takes Motaro by the kidney, gives him the ol' Mike Tyson and finishes it off with a wallop of a kick that makes David Lee Roth grom Van Halen shake in his shoes. Boy, is Motaro gonna feel that in the morning.**

"Motaro saw that guy coming and he took the most excellent hit of his life. Next thing he knes, he was on the beach, taking in some cosmic rays, getting' healed by mother nature, taking a little brewski, holdin' on to a beautiful babe and he's fine today. And let's not forget that he went to party with the Bundys." Sean said, referencing Deron McBee guest starring in an episode of _Married… With Children_.

"Ah, nice callback." Lucas winked to his partner.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) After taking down Motaro, Jax soon comes to the aid of Sonya and helps even the odds against Ermac and Noob.**

 **(Sonya performs a high kick across Ermac's face before doing a handstand with her feet grabbing Ermac right by the neck. She then surprises him with a pop-up punch before flipping him over and snapping his neck, killing him instantly.)**

"Damn, that's another neck Sonya just snapped there." Lucas pointed out.

"I'm telling ya, it's the legs." Sean smirked at him right before saying. "And if we learned from anything from ZZ Top, it's the fact that Sonya's got legs, and she knows how to use them."

 **(A clip from** _ **Total Drama Island**_ **is shown featuring Chef Hatchet)**

 _ **Chef Hatchet: Mmm… spicy.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's check back on Liu Kang as we see him getting his ass handed to him by Shao Kahn, who's fighting without his helmet!**

"Seriously, Shao Kahn fighting without his helmet on is like Darth Vader having a lightsaber duel with Luke Skywalker without his helmet on." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just before Baldy rips him apart, Liu Kang gives in to his inner beast and…**

 **Liu Kang: (Feeling his animality) I can feel it!**

 **(Liu feels his animality and turns into a bad CGI-animated dragon)**

Sean and Lucas both stayed silent for a good ten seconds before Sean finally says something.

"Play the clip." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **is shown again)**

 _ **Hob: What the hell is that?**_

"Remember the animalities in MK3 being so friggin' awesome in the game? Well, this is it. They have Liu Kang turn into a bad CGI version of Drago from the movie _Dragonheart_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Liu Kang, but impersonating Sean Connery from** _ **Dragonheart**_ **) This is my animality, you bald asshole. Let me show you my heart first before I kill you.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) We then cut to Shao Kahn's animality and…**

 **(Shao Kahn instantly transforms into a freakishly seven-headed snake, therefore creeping and confusing the holy hell out of Lucas.)**

"Uhhhhh, what in the holy mother of harlots is that?" Lucas pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

"I think it's what happens when Medusa, a rattlesnake and Eyedol from Killer Instinct merge into one." Sean replied before chuckling. "And by god, it's hideous!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yep, we get our first and only dragon fight between two laughingly bad CGI dragons. For some reason, I feel like I'm watching a horribly made Godzilla flick filmed in someone's backyard at night.**

"In fact, just to make this fight even better, I'll play this entire fight clip in black and white and have it replaced with Godzilla sound effects." Sean stated to the camera.

"Roll it." Lucas replied.

 **(The fight scene between Liu Kang and Shao Kahn in their animality form is shown in black and white, the scene is replaced with Godzilla sound effects and now the Godzilla theme music starts playing)**

"There. Much better." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After they have their animality fight, Liu Kang and Shao Kahn revert back to their human form.**

 _ **Liu Kang: Your blood flows, Kahn. Just like the blood of a mortal.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: Father, how can this be?**_

 _ **Shinnok: I warned you there would be consequences for breaking the sacred rules.**_

 _ **Shao Kahn: But I did not expect this.**_

 _ **Shinnok: Must I do everything for you?**_

"Uh, yeah. You're his father, duh!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then the Elder Gods show up. Well, it's about damn time that they showed up. Where in the hell were they when Shao Kahn was trying to merge Earthrealm and Outworld?**

"And where were they when Shao Kahn murdered Johnny Cage, huh?" Sean asked.

 _ **Elder God #2 (Played by Carolyn Seymour): The fate of the universe will be decided as it should be.**_

 _ **Elder God #1 (Played by the late Lance LeGault): In Mortal Kombat.**_

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme starts playing)**

"Hell, yeah! Now we're talking." Sean said with a smile on his face as the Mortal Kombat theme starts playing.

Once it started playing however, Sean and Lucas started dancing right away with Lucas basically spraying his bottle of cerveza all around to the beat.

"I don't know why this deserves to be played in a shitty movie, but I like it!" Lucas shouted from the music.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) With the beat kicking in ten-fold, the fight between Kahn and Kang becomes a life-and-death situation. Baldy gets the upper hand for most of the match, but Liu Kang knowing the never-say-die warrior he becomes, comes from behind and finishes Shao Kahn off with a backflip kick, just in time to see another dragon pop out of Kahn's skin and fly away. Serves you right for killing Johnny. Anyway, what Liu Kang gets in his victory is this little message right there.**

 **(A picture of Liu Kang is shown with big white letters saying in order from top to bottom: "LIU KANG WINS! SHAO KAHN'S RULE IS OVER! ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE THE SURPREME MORTAL KOMBAT WARRIOR!)**

"I know it's usually a pipe dream and all, but c'mon, that totally would've been cool." Lucas shrugged.

"It would've made the movie at least a little shitty." Sean also shrugged.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Shinnok gets turned into a Rubik's Cube and he is banished to the Netherealm, Earthrealm gets back to normal, Kahn's hold over Sindel is broken and she reunites with her daughter and Liu and Kitana kiss.**

"But wait, what about Raiden?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, what about the mortal thunder god?" Lucas asked as well.

 **(We see that Raiden gets revived by the Elder Gods as heavenly music plays in the background)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Raiden will live.**

Sean and Lucas both squeal in joy as they both hold their arms up high.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) So, yeah. Raiden gets revived by the Elder Gods and he's become one of them and before he leaves with the Elder Gods, he has something to say to them before he leaves.**

 _ **Raiden: You've all made me very proud. I will be watching you, so stay out of trouble.**_

"And Liu, I will definitely keep my eye on you. You better not be thinking of having a threesome with Kitana and Sindel." Sean said, impersonating Raiden.

 _ **Raiden: And remember, be there for one another. You're a family now.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, thank your for these words of wisdom, Raiden. Raiden leaves and our heroes live happily ever after right when the** _ **MK**_ **logo repairs itself.**

 _ **Narrator: MORTAL KOMBAT!**_

 **(The end credits roll as a different song starts playing. A song called** _ **Megalomaniac**_ **by KMFDM.)**

"And that of course was _Mortal Kombat: Annihilation_." Lucas replied. "It had everything _Mortal Kombat_ fans would expect like the last movie: All the fights, all the characters, all the blood and…"

But then a record scratch was heard, forcing Lucas' mood to change from joyous to mad in seconds.

"You know what, screw that, there was no blood, no gore and especially no sense." Lucas shouted before declaring. "In fact, THIS WAS SO FUCKING STUPID!"

 **(Clips from the movie are shown in a montage, but the** _ **Deep Darkness**_ **theme from** _ **EarthBound**_ **is playing in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) *Sighs* In fact, out of all the video game movies I've seen and watched, this is the worst I've ever seen. This makes** _ **Super Mario Bros., Tomb Raider, Resident Evil**_ **and that dreaded** _ **Double Dragon**_ **movie look like a masterpiece in comparison.** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **is not a masterpiece. But you know what? I think I'll take that back for a second. It is a masterpiece… budgeted special effects filled with godawful greenscreen moments that made me question if this was ever a** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **movie at all. It is a masterpiece filled with cow dung, rotten roadkill skunks and cat vomit! And truth be told, it's not a very good masterpiece either. It's the kind YOU need to stay away from.**

 **Lucas: (Narrating) You know what I hate worse about this movie? It's not just for the fact that Bridgette Wilson, Linden Ashby or Christopher Lamber wasn't in this movie, but it makes me angry for the fact that Kung Lao wasn't even in this movie AT ALL, which is a shame because he's one of my favorite characters in the series EVER! They had so many chances to write him in, but never was he mentioned at all in the movie. What in the hell did John R. Leonetti turn himself into? Christopher Nolan out of all people? Maybe John R. Leonetti is the Christopher Nolan of bad puke-inducing video game movies. You want to know why both Leonetti and Nolan are alike? Because just like Dick Grayson was left out of Nolan's** _ **Dark Knight**_ **trilogy movies, Kung Lao got left out of the bad** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **movie franchise ALTOGETHER! Even if Kung Lao was added into this movie, the movie would still be shit!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I've heard James Rolfe aka Angry Video Game Nerd from one of Cinemassacre's** _ **Rental Reviews**_ **saying that the movie was total shit, but great. As much as I want to agree with James, I'm sorry, but me and Lucas have no choice but to disagree. This movie is so bad, it's LITERALLY bad! If you ever see this movie in your vintage game store, do yourself a favor and buy it. So you can go throw it down the spiky pit where it deserves to rot and die for all we care. And it's the reason why me and Lucas give** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **the fatality it deserves – 1 bloody ripped spine out of 5.**

"That is all for this review. And only two movies left for Sequelitis Month. I hope that the next movie I review is good." Sean said.

Lucas then grabbed a paper containing a list full of movies for Sean to review. "Well, all we have to do is check out which movie to review and then…"

He was soon cut off as both Sean and Lucas looked in shock to see the next movie on the list, which was

 _ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN 2_

"Yep, I'm out. See ya later, dude!" Lucas said before getting out of his seat and running out of Sean's house.

All Sean could do at this point was look at the camera and groaned out of deep regret." Ugggh, I'm going to hell…."

And then the episode finally ends with fire shooting out of the background with AC/DC's _Highway to Hell_ being played in return.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Too bad you… will die.**_

 **And that's it The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Mortal Kombat: Annihilation**_ **. I know it look a long time for me to post it, but it was worth it. Thanks to my friend UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing this movie with me. We had a lot of fun working on it and I hope you all like it. Next time, Sean continues Sequelitis Month when he takes a look at the ungodly sequel to Don Bluth's 1989 animated comedy** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **,** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	54. Sequelitis Month Part IV: ADGTH 2

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **.** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **continues when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the film** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **, a movie in which Don Bluth is not involved with. So here it is, the new hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and MGM Family Entertainment.**

 **Sequelitis Month Part IV: All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**

 **(We get the title card for Sequelitis Month playing as usual. This time, the title card has a photo of Sean with devil horns on his head with a grumpy look on his face)**

It was a cold, snowy February evening in Cincinnati as we see our favorite residential critic gearing up by putting on his black long-sleeved shirt, loading his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol, grabbing his bulletproof vest, grabbing his knife, securing his gun in his holster, grabbing his uzi and a few clips as he loads one into his submachine gun. And then, the young critic finally sits down on his couch with his uzi in his hand as the camera zoom up on his face before saying this.

"LET'S DO THIS THING!" Sean yelled out.

 **(The title screen for** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie and the first film "All Dogs Go to Heaven")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, God. This is going to hurt. Continuing Sequelitis Month, I give you the sequel to one of my favorite Don Bluth movies:** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **. Released in theaters on March 29, 1996, this movie continued the adventure of Charlie B. Barkin and his pal Itchy. Now, you all remember my review of the original 1989 animated classic and me praising it to be one of Don Bluth's greatest films and it being one of my favorite Don Bluth movies and me saying that this movie is my** _ **Secret of Nimh**_ **. And it is. The movie was hilarious and dealt with mature and dark themes which made this film a masterpiece. So as you can imagine, I'm not looking forward to reviewing this movie.**

 **(Posters for** _ **The Secret of Nimh, An American Tail, The Land Before Time**_ **and** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) See, here's a little rule: movies that were directed by Don Bluth are awesome.**

 **(Posters for their sequels are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sequels to those Don Bluth movies that I mentioned tend to suck bison balls. With the exception of** _ **An American Tail: Fivel Goes West**_ **, that one was pretty good. Yeah, Don Bluth was not involved in this sequel, the sequel was directed by Paul Sabella and Larry Leker. Paul Sabella was known for working on the Captain Sternn segment of the 1981 film** _ **Heavy Metal**_ **,** _ **Babes in Toyland**_ **and producing a few animated shows such as a few from Hanna-Barbera like** _ **A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, Tom & Jerry Kids, The Smurfs, Yo Yogi!, Fish Police**_ **and he also produced** _ **The Pink Panther**_ **back in 1993. You know, the one where the Pink Panther is voiced by Matt Frewer.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Pink Panther**_ **animated series from 1993 is shown)**

 _ **Pink Panther (Voiced by Matt Frewer): No sweat, Principal Pepperpot. All it need is a little glue.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Larry Leker, who was a storyboard artist for six of Don Bluth's films, one of them happen to be** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **. He's also one of the writers for** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **and he's one of the writers for two of the greatest animated Disney films of all time that are getting a live-action remake. And those two are** _ **Aladdin**_ **and** _ **The Lion King**_ **. And to top it off, none of the original voice actors from the first film didn't reprise their roles in the sequel, except for Dom DeLuise, he came back to voice Itchy. Which is a good thing.**

"Well, let's see what the damage is and see if this sequel deserves to go through the Pearly Gates of Heaven or just rot in Hell for eternity." Sean said as he readies his uzi. "Let's jump right into _All Dogs Go to Heaven 2_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the movie begins with Carface, the villain from the last film, in Heaven.**

"Apparently, God doesn't do background checks on people before letting them in." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that he's talking on a pay phone. Wait, since when do they have pay phones in Heaven? What, do they have a Wendy's there? I mean, can you imagine me talking to one of my family members who are in Heaven?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (Talking to his grandmother on his phone) Yeah, grandma. Everything is fine. Mom's doing alright and so is Taylor. How are things up in Heaven? They got a Wendy's there? That's awesome! And a Regal Cinema too. So, you saw** _ **Alita: Battle Angel**_ **. Was it amazing as they said it was?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Carface is talking to someone sinister on the pay phone and it sounds like they're planning on doing something evil.**

 **(A clip from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mermaid Man (Voiced by the late Ernest Borgnine): Evil. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And Carface is voiced by the late Ernest Borgnine. You know, the voice of Mermaid Man from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **. And they made him a bumbling idiot for someone that he works for in the movie. Oh, yeah. We went from menacing villain to bumbling idiot and you'll see why later. And then we get the opening titles, which is not accompanied with gunshots. Oh, no. Instead, the intro just wants to be boring. And by the way, is it just me or does the theme music sound a bit like the theme music from** _ **Sonic Unleashed**_ **.**

 **(The theme music to** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **start playing, then the theme music to** _ **Sonic Unleashed**_ **starts playing)**

"So in twelve years, Sega's gonna be ripping off the theme music from the film." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after we fly through the dullest opening credits I've ever seen in my life, we see that the dogs have some kind of ceremony where people get medals for good deeds or some shit from the head angel Anabelle, who's not voiced by Melba Moore, but she's voiced by Dr. Lilith Sternin herself Bebe Neuwirth.**

 _ **Annabelle (Voiced by Bebe Neuwirth): And now, our final honoree, voted most-rehabilitated by our heavenly jury.**_

 _ **Charlie (Voiced by Charlie Sheen): I wouldn't be caught dead wearing one of those merit badges, eh, Carface? (Nudges Carface on his arm)**_

 _ **Carface (Voiced by the late Ernest Borgnine): Hey! Shh!**_

"Wait a minute, Charlie and Carface are friends again?" Sean asked. "Why are they friends again? Movie, you do realize that in the last film Carface tried to kill Charlie not only once but twice. Well, I guess Sabella and Leker said 'fuck consistency, let's make these two friends.'"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anabelle presents the final award to the dog who's redeemed himself. Oh, gee. I wonder if Charlie gets the award.**

 _ **Anabelle: Carface Caruthers!**_

 _ **Charlie: Huh?**_

We cut to Sean, who's drinking a can of cherry 7Up and does a spit take right after he heard that Carface wins the award. "What the hell?! Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!"

 **(A clip from** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **is shown where Charlie saves Anne-Marie's life from certain death)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Fuck you! What?! How can Carface deserve the award and not Charlie? Remember in the last film, Charlie did a good deed by saving by saving Anne-Marie's life. He deserves it, not that fat bulldog.**

"Hey, if Carface can win the award, then I'm Chuck Fuckin' Testa." Sean said.

 _ **Carface: Hey, remember, Charlie, it never hurts to play the game.**_

 _ **Charlie: Halo polisher.**_

"Whoa, Charlie. Watch it, now. This is a children's film. No need for that kind of language." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and by the way, the late Burt Reynolds voiced Charlie in the last film. Guess who's voicing Charlie now?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Two and a Half Men**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Charlie Harper (Played by Charlie Sheen): No, Alan. I brought home an invisible cocktail waitress. She's doing me even as we speak.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's right, my friends. Charlie is now voiced by Charlie Sheen. Yeah, this was before he did that abomination called Food Fight.**

"Because when you think of Charlie B. Barkin, you think of the guy who's slept with different porn actresses. And I can name them. There's Bree Olson, Brett Rossi, Georgia Jones, Kacey Jordan and Capri Anderson. Want me to name some of the films that they've done?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after we hear the sound of a trumpet, Carface makes a ridiculously evil face while everyone rushes towards the gates of Heaven. It turns out that dogs who recently died are now being let in to Heaven.**

 **(Charlie tries to stop and as he stops, he pushes one of the angels out of Heaven)**

 _ **Charlie: Sorry. Lousy brake pads.**_

"Jeez, what kind of drug was Charlie on?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **20/20**_ **'s interview with Charlie Sheen is shown)**

 _ **Charlie Sheen: I am on a drug, it's called 'Charlie Sheen'.**_

"I knew it! I knew that Charlie was on drugs. That explains his out of control lifestyle." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As the new arrivals arrive in Heaven, one of them happens to be Charlie's dachshund buddy Itchy, voiced by Dom DeLuise, the only returning actor from the first film. So, Itchy died from choking on a chicken drumstick. You know what's weird, why was Itchy still alive since 1939. Anyway, Itchy is amazed at Heaven, which has all dogs in it, but no cats unlike the first film.**

 _ **Itchy (Voiced by the late Dom DeLuise): I'm going to like it here, Charlie.**_

 _ **Charlie: Believe me, it gets old fast.**_

 _ **Itchy: What do you mean?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Itchy enjoying life in Heaven, Charlie finds it boring and like every animated movie in the 90s, he sings about it.**

 _ **Charlie: I don't know. It's too…**_

 **(The song** _ **It's Too Heavenly Here**_ **starts)**

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) It's too heavenly here. It's too peaceful and paradise like. Straight and narrow and much too nice like. Endlessly sunny and clear. It's too heavenly here.**_

"Heaven forbid if we have Charlie Sheen singing for a kid's film." Sean said.

 **(Another clip from** _ **Two and a Half Men**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Charlie Harper: (Sings) I love boobies. I love boobies. I love boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now. (Normal voice) Come on!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thankfully, it's not Charlie Sheen singing, that's Jesse Corti providing Charlie's singing voice. Charlie sings about how boring it is in Heaven and he wants to be a con artist again and this song have this weird shift from it being soft and quiet to upbeat and song's still boring.**

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) I need some action, I need some juice. That crazy kind of feeling of playing fast and loose. Some razzle-dazzle and a little stress and strife. I gotta get some life in my life.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know, as much as I make fun of Burt Reynolds' singing in the first film, I kinda wish that he returned to voice Charlie for this one instead of recasting the role for Charlie Sheen. It's like recasting the role of Trip Windsor in American Housewife. Instead of Peyton Meyer playing the character, you get Kevin G. Quinn from Bunk'd to play the character.**

"Now that you think about it, not a bad choice because Xander McCormick was cool yet kinda ditzy on the show." Sean said.

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) 'Cause it's too heavenly here. All hallelujahs and hosannas. It could drive anyone bananas. I'm going out of my head. This joint is deader than dead.**_

"Oh god, it's 2:53 minutes of dog shit." Sean said rubbing his temples in circles.

 _ **Itchy: Charlie, you got to see a doctor.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that horrendously bad musical number, Carface decides to go get Gabriel's Horn and steal it. As he steals the horn, Carface starts blowing on the horn, causing the gates of Heaven to go all wonky as he tries to open the gates up so he can leave Heaven.**

 _ **Carface: Baby! You're my ticket to fame and fortune! (Kisses the horn and laughs)**_

"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that he won't do anything stupid like being a numbskull and knocking the horn out of Heaven and losing it in the process." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(Carface accidentally kicks the horn out of Heaven)**

 **Carface: (Screams) This is not good!**

"Oh, you numbskull." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Carface ends up losing the horn in the process like a complete idiot and goes after it, but like a comedic villain, he gets himself into a bunch of silly antics, like impersonating Syndrome from** _ **The Incredibles**_ **.**

 **(Carface catches the horn with his teeth and ends up flying into a plane's turbine)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh yeah, and he loses the horn.**

 **(Carface screams after he loses the horn)**

"Well, nice job, dumbass! You lost the horn. Now what are you going to do? I mean, seriously. How did we get from Carface being menacing in the last film to him being a complete numbskull in the second film? I guess him getting eaten by that big-lipped alligator turned him into a numbskull." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anabelle warns the angels about the terrible news about the horn gone missing and landing on Earth. Where on earth is Gabriel's horn?**

 _ **Anabelle: Gabriel's horn has fallen from Heaven and landed on Earth in the heart of San Francisco.**_

"Excuse me, where?" Sean asked.

 _ **Anabelle: …in the heart of San Francisco.**_

"San Francisco? Out of all places the horn could land in and it lands in San Francisco. Why not Cincinnati? I know we have some crazy-ass weather but still, the horn could've landed in my city. It's a nice place." Sean said.

 **(Footage from** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **and** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Quick question, how did we get from 1939 New Orleans to 1996 San Francisco? Are they trying to tell us that angels can time travel as well? Sounds like something that Captain James T. Kirk and his crew would do, like time travel from the future 1986 San Francisco just to save San Francisco in the future.**

"Except, _Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home_ is a better movie than this bowl of kibbles and dog bits." Sean said. **  
**

_**Ace St. Bernard (Voiced by Kevin Michael Richardson): This is terrible! But without the horn, the pearly gates can't be opened.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) No kidding? Thanks for stating the obvious, Cujo. So, Anabelle goes to see which one on the dogs should retrieve the horn from Earth. Charlie hears the idea and seems to really like it since we heard a whole fucking song about how he doesn't like it in Heaven. But really, does he really have to cheat his way through this? And do you really think it's a good idea for her to send him down to Earth?**

 _ **Charlie: Anabelle, you'll need someone who can zip there and back before big Gabe finds his horn missing, someone who knows the ropes and the dopes, someone.**_

 _ **Anabelle: Just like you.**_

 _ **Charlie: Me? Well, I don't know I'd have to check with my people and get back to you. Oh, what the heck? I'll do it.**_

 _ **Anabelle: Maybe you can do something besides make a nuisance out of yourself.**_

"And stay away from attractive porn stars that you'll end up dating or engaged to and no more wild antics and telling reporters that you have tiger's blood." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before Charlie heads down to Earth to retrieve the horn, Anabelle gives Charlie some instructions on how to track down the horn by following his ears because the horn gives off a steady, heavenly tone that only angels can hear. And she gives him only one miracle to be used in case of an emergency.**

"Uh, Anabelle? Why give me one miracle? Couldn't you give me two?" Sean asked, imitating Charlie.

"Because we're in a recession, Charles." Alex, Sean's friend, said as she imitates Anabelle.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, it's off to San Francisco for Charlie and he has Itchy tagging along just to make sure that Charlie doesn't get into trouble. Uh, I have one quick question: why is this movie set in San Francisco? I mean, wouldn't it be more logical for Charlie to go back to New Orleans and visit Anne-Marie who's grown up now? I mean, he did promise her.**

 **(Another clip from** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Anne-Marie (Voiced by the late Judith Barsi): Charlie, will I ever see you again?**_

 _ **Charlie (Voiced by the late Burt Reynolds): Sure. Sure you will, kid. You know goodbyes aren't forever.**_

"Look, I know what happened to Judith Barsi and I am deeply saddened by it and I did mention it in my review of _All Dogs Go to Heaven_. What we have here is a broken link. You can't just promise one thing and then just tell another story. It doesn't even make sense. The writers messed it up. Hell, they didn't even mention Anne-Marie in this movie. Not one! I think what they did was out of respect for Judith Barsi. I wish I could rant about it, but we have more of this." Sean said.

 _ **Charlie: (After him and Itchy land on the streets of San Francisco) Look at this mess, Itchy. Trash, exhaust fumes, graffiti! We are home!**_

 **(A trolley appears as Itchy screams until the screen turns black and we hear a squishing sound. Then, the end credits roll)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Actually, Charlie and Itchy move out of the way and try not to get killed. And this is the first thing that Charlie does right after him and Itchy land on Earth.**

 _ **Charlie: (Sniffs) Hello, double chili cheeseburger with onions and pickles.**_

 _ **Itchy: Charlie! Stay!**_

"Oh, great. You got Charlie obsessed with cheeseburgers. Yeah, something that would make a dog die easily from eating too much cheeseburgers. What the flying fuck?!" Sean snapped at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And yeah, this is where Charlie's cheeseburger obsession starts. They continued this running gag in the TV series. What is he like Sonic the Hedgehog with his chili dog obsession. Why don't you make Charlie addicted to tiger's blood while you're at it.**

The audience starts booing at Sean after he made his bad Charlie Sheen joke.

"What? What? What? You all knew that the joke was coming. I had to make that joke. I had to make that joke just once." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Itchy, being the smart and sensible one, just wants to look for the horn and go back to Heaven but good 'ol Charlie here has some plans for his own. Instead of looking for the horn, he wants to go out and have some fun. But where would he have some fun at? At a dog version of a gentlemen's club. Okay, who's idea was this? Was it the hack writers who wrote this? Look, I know that Charlie did this in the first film but the whole point of the first film was for him to change his ways.**

"And I hope that you like dog puns, because you're gonna here some dog puns here." Sean said.

 _ **Dog Guard: I.D.?**_

 _ **Doggy: I don't need no stinkin' dog tags!**_

 **(The dog guard picks up the small dog, then sniffs him and throws him out)**

 _ **Charlie: Classy place. They check for worms.**_

"Oh, God!" Sean groaned.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While we have a song sung by voice acting legend Jim Cummings, another Ohio native, Charlie decides to get himself something to drink at the bar. Yeah, just like Charlie Sheen.**

 _ **Charlie: Hey bartender. How about a frosty one for the chuckmeister? Root beer, Itchy?**_

 **(The bartender is pouring root beer, that is pink, in a beer mug)**

"Uh, that doesn't look like any Barq's root beer I've ever seen. Unless these dogs are drinking Ocean Spray pink cranberry juice mixed with Sprite. Look, I've never seen that kind of pink root beer in stores. What do you call it?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Shameless**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Kevin (Played by Steve Howey): Death.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Charlie is trying to get the precious pink drink that he couldn't get, something must be wrong.**

"Oh, let me guess: could it be because he's an angel?" Sean asked in a sarcastic tone as the word "YES" appears on the screen. "Oh, go take a rolling fuck off a flying donut, movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie then realizes that me and the audience already knew about it, Charlie and Itchy are ghosts because of Anabelle and he's not taking it well because he wants to be among the living and not like Patrick Swayze. And then, we get our next performance of the movie.**

 _ **Labradour MC (Voiced by Wallace Shawn): And now, let's have a warm round of appaws for our next contestant, Miss Sasha La Fleur.**_

"Okay, first of all, that's Wallace Shawn voicing the MC. And second, another goddamn dog pun. Do I need to do a drinking game for every dog pun I hear?" Sean asked as he pulls out a bottle of Traverse City whiskey.

 **(The song** _ **Count Me Out**_ **begins)**

 _ **Sasha La Fleur (Voiced by Sheena Easton): (Sings) If you got romance on your mind. If you'd like to stroll hand in hand. If you want to cuddle in the moonlight. And whisper, "ain't love grand".**_

We cut back to Sean, who's looking a bit disturbed and disgusted from watching the scene because the animators are trying to make a dog look sexy. During Sasha's performance, Sean opens the bottle of whiskey and starts drinking from the bottle instead of pouring some in a glass.

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: (Sings) Baby, count me out.**_

 **(Itchy turns to Charlie and sees his best friend becoming lovestruck from seeing the sexy Irish Setter dog)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Sasha La Fleur, she's a lounge singer. She's voiced by Scottish singer Sheena Easton. And I have one problem with this character. No, I like her but I have a teeny tiny little problem, they made her sexy.**

"Uh, why would anyone fuck a dog? What sense does that make? Dogs aren't sexy, dogs are pets. I mean, who in their right mind would want to have sex with a dog?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from Angry Grandpa's** _ **A Trailer Park Thanksgiving**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Angry Grandpa: (Yells) LEMME TELL YOU ONE GODDAMN THING RIGHT NOW! I'M FUCKING THIS PUPPY! YOU AIN'T FUCKING THIS PUPPY! I'M FUCKING THIS PUPPY!**_

"Stop! Stop!" Sean yelled out. "Okay, alright. Look, let me make one thing very clear and this is for you MGM executives and representatives out there, we don't want to bang dogs. I cannot believe that I'm saying this we don't want to fuck dogs. We're humans, therefore humans fuck other humans. I'm sure there's a small percentage of people who would like to have sex with dogs. Come on, have you ever seen a dog that you actually have the hots for?"

 **(A photo of Amanda Cerny as Amber Day in the movie** _ **Internet Famous**_ **is shown. We see the character Amber dressed in a sexy dog outfit)**

"That doesn't count!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Charlie immediately gets smitten by Sasha and he wants to pork her doggie style. I see how they got the inspiration for Charlie Harper. They end up bumping into Carface and he shows them how he's able to interact with people, even though he's an angel as well.**

 _ **Carface: (Shows them his collar) As long as I'm wearing this baby I'm flesh and blood.**_

 _ **Charlie: Where'd you get it?**_

 _ **Carface: A buddy of mine has them.**_

"Oh, yeah. Trust the guy who tried to kill you. Like that's going to end well. Hell, Itchy doesn't even trust Carface one bit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Charlie, being the complete dumbass like he is, decides to trust Carface and the fat bulldog takes Charlie and Itchy to a house that looks like it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, more like Frank Lloyd Wrong. Then, we get some stupidity.**

 **(Itchy messes with a mechanical cat clock as a mechanical piranha pops out, then Carface ends up scaring Itchy by wearing a witch doctor mask.)**

"Oh, my God. What? What was that? Jesus, that seems out of place like that big-lipped alligator moment in the first film." Sean said.

 _ **Itchy: You trying to scare me to death?**_

 _ **Carface: Don't sweat it, pal. You're already dead.**_

"God, kill me for hearing that lame pun." Sean said, rubbing his temples in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We finally meet Carface's friend Red, voiced brilliantly by George Hearn.**

"And you'll see why in a few minutes. Trust me, he's the best part of this ungodly movie." Sean said.

 _ **Red (Voiced by George Hearn): Charlie Barkin. Itchy Itchford. Welcome.**_

 _ **Charlie: Wait, wait. How can he?**_

 _ **Carface: Red sees all and knows all.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I'm gonna call it and say that he's the villain. Because when somebody knows your name immediately, they're evil.**

 **(A clip from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mermaid Man: Evil. EEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLL!**_

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you'll be fine." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Red then agrees to give Charlie and Itchy the collars but there's a catch.**

 _ **Red: The collars are only good until sundown tomorrow. After that, you'll be, shall we say, insubstantial again.**_

 _ **Charlie: By then I'll have Sasha begging for me.**_

"Yeah, that's Charlie Sheen in a nutshell." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie agrees and soon the two are on their way. But what Charlie doesn't know is that he made a deal with the devil.**

 _ **Red: (His eyes glow red) You'll owe me one, all right.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Called it! I fucking called it! Red's the villain. So, now that Red is revealed to be the villain, we get to see why George Hearn is the best part of this movie and it's this next song** _ **It Feels So Good to Be Bad**_ **.**

 **(The next song It Feels So Good to Be Bad starts)**

 **Red: (Sings) Now you're working with a master. Who will help you cultivate your darker side.**

 **(Red turns into an evil red cat)**

"And Red is a cat and he's the servant of the devil. Really? Do you have to make cats evil? They're not evil. Okay, so they can be a bunch of fox-eared assholes at times but they're not evil. Not all cats are evil." Sean said before turning to his right. "Riley, what do you think?"

Sean's cat Riley, who's sitting on the floor, looks at him and meows at him before Sean turns to the camera.

"Boom!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I rant about how bad this movie is, it does have one enjoyable song sung by a brilliant actor and Broadway singer. And yes, I know that he's singing about how good it feels to be bad but it's still an awesome villain song along with** _ **Be Prepared**_ **from** _ **The Lion King**_ **,** _ **Poor Unfortunate Souls**_ **from** _ **The Little Mermaid**_ **and** _ **What's My Name**_ **from** _ **Descendants 2**_ **. Plus, we get a nice little reference to** _ **Sweeney Todd**_ **since George Hearn performed on Broadway as Sweeney Todd. This is incredible singing from a man who sang this song.**

 **(A clip from the 1984 Tony Awards is shown, showing George Hearn singing** _ **I Am What I Am**_ **from** _ **La Cage Aux Folles**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Red: (Sings) You've got my guarantee. It feels so good to be bad!/So good to be bad.**_

 **(The song ends with the back flap of Carface's devil costume falls down, revealing his butt. Carface grabs the butt flap and covers himself up)**

"Way to keep it classy, guys." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that musical number, we cut back to the doggie club where we see that sexy bitch *female dog* Sasha getting her prize that she won, which is a bone and after getting screwed over, she gives the bone to a starving young dog and we see that she has a good heart and that's what I like about her character. Anyway, Charlie notices Sasha getting some food and decides to go to first base with her.**

 _ **Charlie: (To Sasha) You must hear this all the time. But you sing like an angel.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Two and a Half Men**_ **season 5 episode** _ **Meander to Your Dander**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Charlie Harper: Excuse me.**_

 _ **Brenda (Played by Eve Gordon): Yes?**_

 _ **Charlie Harper: I'm… I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner but I'm sitting over there with my nephew.**_

 _ **Jake Harper (Played by Angus T. Jones): Now?**_

 _ **Charlie Harper: No, not now. Dumbass.**_

 _ **Jake Harper: Now?**_

 _ **Charlie Harper: No.**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Excuse me.**_

 _ **Charlie: The name's Barkin. Charlie Barkin. And you are?**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Not even remotely interested.**_

 _ **Charlie: Oh. That's a mouthful.**_

We cut back to Sean, who's doing a spit take after drinking from his bottle of whiskey. "Ah, dog flirting."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie, channeling his inner Charlie Harper, fails to impress Sasha as she runs away. Charlie wants to go follow her but Itchy just wants to look for the horn. But Charlie wants to be a horndog and follow Sasha to her home, leading Itchy to say this.**

 _ **Itchy: I'll never get back to Heaven. Oh-ho, shucks.**_

"I'm sorry. What did he just say?" Sean asked.

 _ **Itchy: Oh-ho, shucks.**_

"Did he just say "oh-ho, shit"? This is a G-rated movie. Watch the language, mister!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Itchy track down Sasha and Charlie brings her the back of food, in which Sasha warms up to Charlie for a bit.**

 _ **Charlie: If you want some company, we could stick around.**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Sorry, I've got a kid.**_

 _ **Charlie: Uh, yeah, but, uh. I'm good with kids.**_

"Oh, really?" Sean asked raising an eyebrow.

 **(Another clip from** _ **Two and a Half Men**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Charlie Harper: (Yells after Jake dumps a bucket of slime on his head) JAKE!**_

 _ **Alan Harper (Played by Jon Cryer): What's going on?**_

 _ **Jake Harper: Nothing. Gotta go.**_

 _ **Charlie Harper: (Chases Jake) Jake, you are so dead!/Where are you, you rat bastard!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that she has a kid that she's caring for. A human child by the name of David, voiced by Adam Wylie, who has an impressive list of credits like** _ **Hey Arnold!, Under Wraps, Kindergarten Cop, Can of Worms**_ **and** _ **Gilmore Girls**_ **. Charlie and Itchy can talk and that of course impresses the young lad as Charlie reveals to him that he's an angel.**

 _ **David (Voiced by Adam Wylie): Wow! That was the best trick I've ever seen.**_

 _ **Charlie: Trick?**_

 _ **David: I do magic too.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) David can do some magic tricks as well and Charlie decides to use his miracle that Anabelle gave him by kissing Sasha, granting her the ability to talk to David as well.**

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: (After Charlie kisses her) Of all the arrogant, presumptuous, egotistical mutts I've ever met.**_

"Okay, unless Sasha has some pepper spray with her, she needs to spray it in Charlie's face." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Charlie uses up his miracle on Sasha, this convinces David that him and Itchy are indeed angels.**

 _ **David: You must be my guardian angel.**_

 _ **Sasha and Charlie: Your what?**_

 _ **David: My mom said everyone has a guardian angel. You're here because I ran away from home.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The reason why David ran away from home is because he's having problems with his stepmom because she wants him to call her "mom". So he plans to live on the street and do his magic act at Cannery Square, and Charlie thinks it's a good plan. So, it's off to Cannery Square or as Charlie likes to call it…**

 _ **Charlie: Easy Street.**_

"Charlie, whatever you do, please don't use that kid for your own personal game like you did with Anne-Marie in the last film." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, on Alcatraz. We see that Carface and Red are plotting their diabolical plan. For what, you may ask. We're not sure but we get this most disturbing part of the movie.**

 **(Red sees a rat and catches it. Carface watches as we see the shadow of Red eating the rat and we hear a crunching sound while he eats it)**

"Great job, movie. Now the children are going to be disturbed by this scene." Sean said.

 _ **Red: Have a bone.**_

 **(Red sticks the rat's bone in Carface's mouth)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we find our characters on their way to Cannery Square and Charlie asks Sasha what she looks for in a dog-boyfriend.**

 _ **Charlie: What qualities would you be looking for?**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Oh, I don't know.**_

 _ **Charlie: Ah, of course you do.**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Hmm. Well. Loyalty, strength, breeding.**_

 _ **Charlie: I'd be good at that.**_

"Ewww! We don't need to know that!" Sean exclaimed with a disgusted look on his face.

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Humility.**_

 _ **Charlie: Hmm.**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: Compassion.**_

 **(Charlie stops dead in his tracks and faints)**

"Okay, did he just hit his head on the I-beam or did he just bump into the camera and knock himself out?" Sean asked. "Quality animation, folks."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie and Itchy begin to hear the heavenly tones of Gabriel's horn and find that's it's being put at a local police station. Back at Alcatraz, we get more of Carface and Red's dastardly plan.**

 _ **Red: All these cells filled with dogs. Can you see it?**_

 _ **Carface: Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.**_

 _ **Red: And me playing Gabriel's horn! Can you hear it?**_

"Wait, so his plan is to lock up the angels from Heaven in Alcatraz so they will all be locked up in there while he blows the horn. Ooooookay. Kind of a dumb plan there, Red. Have you ever heard of the June 1962 Alcatraz escape attempt?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then he starts singing about how good it feels to be bad. Dude, we get it. You're evil. No need to sing about it again!**

 _ **Red: (Sings) Three cheers for treachery. It feels so good to be bad. Bah ha!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the San Francisco police department, Charlie sneaks into the police station to go fetch Gabriel's horn. While all that's going on, we see that David's father Thom, voiced by Bobby DiCicco, and his stepmom Claire, voiced by Annette Helde, are at the police station talking to the police officer about David and we get a reason why he ran away from home.**

 _ **Officer Reyes (Voiced by Marabina Jaimes): Any ideas why he ran away?**_

 _ **Thom (Voiced by Bobby DiCicco): It could only be one thing.**_

 _ **Claire (Voiced by Annette Helde): We're having a baby, and David got very upset when I told him.**_

"Really? Really? The kid ran away from home because his father and stepmother are having a baby? I haven't ran away from home when I found out that my mom and dad were having a baby. So, you nut up and shut up, kid." Sean said, pointing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie finds the horn at the lost and found and he takes off the collar so he can grab it. But there's one problem, the horn is solid so it won't go through the gate.**

 _ **Charlie: Of course, it couldn't be Gabriel's flute or Gabriel's kazoo.**_

Sean chuckles a bit from Charlie's line. "Okay, I have to admit. That line was pretty funny."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie reappears and Itchy asks him if he got it. Oh, come on. He already told them that they're angels, why not tell them about the fucking horn? Anyway, Charlie comes up with a plan to get the horn while Carface eavesdrops and tries to steal the horn for Red. Anyway, David enters the police station pretending to be blind and using Charlie, Itchy and Sasha as their seeing eye dogs. Which leads to some more antics.**

 **(A police dog comes in contact with Itchy and growls at him. Itchy screams and jumps on the police officer's desk)**

 _ **Charlie: Uh-oh! Plan "B", guys.**_

 _ **David: Donuts! Fresh off the truck!**_

 **(The police officers hear the news as they run out of the office to grabs some donuts)**

"Way to insult the people who protect and serve us." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they grab the horn and they leave the police station, which leads to a police chase that makes you want to watch The French Connection's police chase scene.**

"So, let me get this straight. We have two dogs from Heaven on a mission to find Gabriel's horn, a kid who performs magic and an Irish Setter with the voice of Sheena Easton on a motorcycle, getting chased by the cops while Carface chases them on a skateboard." Sean said before staying silent for a bit. "God, this movie just got stupider. Now, I would make a mindfuck joke but this is just giving me a headache."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after retrieving the horn, Charlie continues to be irresponsible and stupid by hiding the horn in the lobster trap and dropping it in the water instead of taking it back right away. Charlie then takes David to Cannery Square for David to perform his magic tricks in front of an audience.**

 **(The song** _ **Easy Street**_ **starts)**

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) Outta his way, he's coming through. The kid's making his show biz debut. You'll be amazed, amused, enthused and bowled over.**_

"Oh, Christ!" Sean growled.

 _ **David: (Sings) I got the moves, I got the tricks. Been practicing since I was six.**_

We cut back to Sean, who's see holding a pillow up to his face and screaming into it while hitting it with his fist while the song continues.

 _ **Charlie and David: (Sings) Easy Street. Where the sun's always shinin'. Not a cloud in the sky.**_

 _ **David: (Sings) Clear and sunny.**_

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) Milk and honey.**_

 _ **Charlie and David: (Sings) Life is sweet on Easy Street.**_

"God, how long do I have to suffer from listening to this damn song?! Can it please just end? God, please do something to end this song!" Sean yelled out.

 **(All of a sudden David ends up screwing up and falls into a fountain)**

"Thank Christ!" Sean exclaimed as he raised his hands up in the air.

 **Sean: (V/O as God) David, this is God. I just wanted to let you know that the world hates you for being a pathetic little twerp. I'm just going to make it rain because you suck. So long, you little bastard.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After things didn't go so well at Easy Street, David is sad and Charlie decides to cheer him up by taking him home. Until, Itchy arrives with Chinese food to cheer him up some more.**

 **(David feeds one of the seagulls while one of the other birds fly over to Itchy for food. Itchy snatches the food away as the bird makes a sad face.)**

"Geez, did Itchy just turn into Courtney from Total Dramarama? He's not going to share his food with that adorable bird. He was protecting his food like it was a dragochicken." Sean said, referencing the Sharing is Caring episode of Total Dramarama.

 _ **Itchy: (His voice is replaced with Courtney's voice) No.**_

"Now, now Itchy. Remember the golden rule: sharing is caring." Sean said, imitating Chef Hatchet.

 **(A clip from** _ **Total Dramarama**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bridgette (Voiced by Kristin Fairlie) and Owen (Voiced by Scott McCord): Sharing is caring!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Charlie is upset because he knows he can't stay for much longer, so he tells Sasha the truth on why's he's here.**

 _ **Charlie: Sasha, my whole life has been about making and breaking promises. Now, I'm gonna do it again.**_

 _ **Sasha La Fleur: You can't take him home?**_

 _ **Charlie: I have to go back.**_

"Besides, I've seen you in Miami Vice in it's fourth season and I saw how terrible you were in that show." Sean said, imitating Charlie while referencing Sheena Easton guest starring in the fourth season of Miami Vice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then from out of the blue, comes the generic, sappy nineties love song.**

 **(The song** _ **I Will Always Be With You**_ **starts)**

 _ **Sasha: (Sings) I will always be with you. Makes no difference where your road takes you to. Even if we're apart. Now we're joined at the heart. Though our moment may be gone. You and I will still live on.**_

 **(Charlie starts singing** _ **I Will Always Be With You**_ **as well, but with a completely different voice. P.S.: Charlie's singing voice is performed by Jesse Corti)**

 _ **Charlie: (Sings) I will always be with you…**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dah! Okay, either Charlie Sheen started singing or it's somebody else? Whose voice is that?! They didn't even try to make the singer sound like Charlie Sheen. Can you imagine me having a completely different voice while I'm singing?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: Taylor, I have to leave.**

 **Taylor: But Sean, you can't leave me.**

 **Sean: I know, just remember (Sings, Sean's voice is replaced by Jesse Corti)** _ **I will always be with you.**_

 **Taylor: I'm sleeping with your best friend Trip!**

 **Sean: You little whore.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless little scene, Charlie becomes invisible again because his and Itchy's collars have worn off. So, Charlie goes to Red to try to get another one…. But for a price.**

 _ **Red: I like your spirit, Charlie. Bring me this horn and you can have the collar.**_

 _ **Charlie: Great. But I need the collar to get it.**_

 _ **Red: (His eyes glow red) Oh, really?**_

"Don't do it, Charlie. Don't make the deal with the devil. Don't shake your hands with the devil." Sean warned.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Itchy tries to stop Charlie from making a terrible deal, but is too late when the deal is made as he gives Charlie the collar and shows his true form.**

 **(Itchy screams after seeing Red in his cat form)**

 _ **Red: Guess the cat's out of the bag, eh? (Laughs)**_

 _ **Charlie: You tricked me.**_

"Really? No shit, you just shook your hands with the devil. You're a fucking moron!" Sean yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Courage the Cowardly Dog**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Eustace (Voiced by the late Lionel Wilson): Stupid dog!**_

 _ **Red: Now, be a good little bow wow and fetch me my horn.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie goes to find David but Carface kidnaps him and tells Charlie to meet him at Alcatraz Island with the horn or David will die. And then we come to the thrilling climax of the film and to be honest, it's the best part of the film. Charlie arrives with the horn and gives it to Red and a lot of bad stuff goes down. So, the evil cat guy blows the horn and uses it to capture the dogs in Heaven and send them to Earth in prison cells.**

 _ **Anabelle: Charles, what have you done?**_

 **(A clip from Angry Joe is shown)**

 _ **Angry Joe: You done fucked it up!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seeing that this is all his fault, Charlie goes to stop Red, who turns into a giant cat, accompanied by a Latin choir. And yeah, I know. They're ripping off the climax of** _ **The Little Mermaid**_ **and Red turning big like genie Jafar from** _ **Aladdin**_ **. Anyway, David, Sasha and Itchy come back to save Charlie and David ends up handcuffing Red's tail to a water pipe, causing it to burst and spray water all over Red.**

"Because he's a cat and cat's hate water. You are so lame, movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Itchy steals the horn from Red and gives it to Charlie, and then we get a showdown between Charlie and Red while Charlie tries to play the horn, which means one thing… BOSS FIGHT!**

 **(During the showdown between Charlie and Red, the Giant Baby Bowser theme from** _ **Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island**_ **starts playing, then we see Charlie jumping off of the water tower to lure Red into the water)**

 _ **Charlie: Hope you can dog paddle!**_

 _ **Red: Charlie!**_

 **(The water tower breaks as Red gets splashed with some water)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Charlie blows Gabriel's horn, sending the dogs back into Heaven and sending Red back to Hell where he belongs.**

 **(Charlie sniffs the ground)**

 **Charlie: Ha-lo! Double chili catbuger with onions and pickles.**

We see that Sean is unable to control himself. "One moment, please."

Sean gets into a fit of rage as he beats his coffee table with his fists, causing an explosion, with clips of the nuclear attack scene from the 1983 movie _The Day After_ , showing many civilian vaporized from the nuclear blast and buildings being destroyed. A few moments later, Sean sighs in his couch and tries to pull himself together, he is distracted by the sight of destruction next to him.

"Oops. My bad." Sean said with an innocent smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Carface comes out of hiding but he's not getting out of this one when Red drags him into Hell because he sold his soul to him in exchange for the collar.**

 _ **Itchy: What do you know? And I thought all dogs go to heaven.**_

 **(The instrumental version of the song A Little Heaven from** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series**_ **starts playing while the words "Executive Producers PAUL SABELLA, JONATHAN DERN" are shown on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's wrap this up. Charlie and Itchy have to leave and they have to say goodbye and he tells Sasha that he loves her before leaving. And because of his good deed, he deserves a second chance in life but Itchy remains in Heaven and the two say their goodbyes. Charlie is reunited with Sasha and David and David is reunited with his father and stepmother, Charlie and Sasha share a kiss and they go home with David. The end.**

"And that was _All Dogs Go to Heaven 2_. And looking back at it again, it is painful to watch!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **(Footage from the movie are shown again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) They have no respect for anything that happened in the first film, this was just a shameful cash grab they did hoping to make money and my God they did. After this movie was released in theaters, the TV show aired in syndication and a Christmas special. The animation was decent, not as good as the first one's animation but still decent, the music was boring and the story… well… the story is okay in my opinion. But is it bad that I like this one? I like the first one and it was my favorite and since I'm an adult and looking back at it brings me back to my childhood and I kinda like this one too, even if the movie sucked. You don't have any of the original voice actors, with the exception of Dom DeLuise. But the best part of the film would have to be George Hearn as Red, that's the only thing remotely entertaining about this film. He played an awesome villain. The movie didn't stay true to the original but if you want a movie that will keep your kids to shut up, then play the movie for them. Don't be expecting any big-lipped alligator moments. That's why I'm giving** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **3 devil horns out of 5.**

"Alright, that's all for today." Sean sighs. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and _Sequelitis Month_ is almost over. Just one more movie! Hmm, I wonder who am I gonna call for this one."

 _GHOSTBUSTERS!_

Sean looks at the camera with a big smile on his face as Ray Parker Jr.'s Ghostbusters start playing in the background.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline - I am on a drug, it's called 'Charlie Sheen'.**

 **And that was it for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **. What did you think of it? Sorry, if it took so long to post it. Plus, did anyone enjoy watching that movie or do you like watching the original Don Bluth movie than the sequel? Next time, Sean ends** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **with a bang as he takes a look at one of his favorite sequels of all-time….** _ **GHOSTBUSTERS II**_ **! Hope you all like my review of the movie. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, after I'm finished with** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **, which movie or TV show should I review next or should I do a new segment? Here are the choices:**

 _ **Sean's Story Arc (Beetleborgs: Beetle Rock Parts 1 and 2)**_

 _ **Kim Possible (2019)**_

 _ **Billy Madison**_

 _ **What the Hell Were They Thinking?: Miami Vice Season 4**_

 **Which one would you like for me to do next? Feel free to leave a comment. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	55. Sequelitis Month Part V: Ghostbusters II

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic.**_ _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **comes to an end when Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at the 1989 sequel** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **and sees how well it holds up in thirty years and asks if it's a sequel people wanted or just a shameful cash grab. So here it is, the review of** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's Sequelitis Month**_ **. Sit back, grab yourself a can of Mountain Dew Game Fuel and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is owned by Columbia Pictures.**

 **Sequelitis Month Part V: Ghostbusters II**

It was a wonderful afternoon for everyone's favorite critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as he is seen sitting on his couch in his living room with a look of excitement on his face.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one…." Sean said and squeaks in excitement. "And we're almost done, we're almost done! Sequelitis Month is almost done!"

 **(The intro to** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **is shown. Once again, the announcer says "What time is it? It's sequel time!", then we get a photo of Sean with a look of joy and happiness on his face and a voiceover of him saying "Hallelujah!".)**

"And I only have one more movie to review, just one more! And who knows? Maybe it'll be good! I have sat through shitty sequel after sequel after sequel after sequel. Besides, it could be something that I really enjoy…." Sean said.

 **(The title card for "Ghostbusters II" is shown)**

"YEAH, BABY!" Sean yelled out as he imitates Ash from _Army of Darkness_.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah. Now, we're talking.** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **, the sequel to the 1984 box-office hit, was released in theaters on June 16** **th** **, 1989. People who were involved in the first film came back for this one. Ivan Reitman came back to direct and produce the film, Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd wrote the screenplay. And our stars came back as well: Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis, Ernie Hudson and Annie Potts. The film was met with less than flattering reactions when it was released in theaters thirty years ago and both audiences and critic didn't care for it. Hell, Siskel & Ebert didn't care for it.**

 **(Siskel & Ebert's review of **_**Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Gene Siskel: (On Ghostbusters II) It's a major disappointment and what's so surprising is that the film contains little comic energy or invention, it looks as if the filmmakers, particularly the writers didn't try to do anything special**_ **.**

 _ **Roger Ebert: I agree with you completely, this movie is a total disappointment. No thought went into it, no effort went into it, there's no comedy in it.**_

"I'm sorry if I'm gonna speak ill of the dead but Siskel and Ebert are fucking idiots for hating on this movie." Sean said.

 **(More clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I completely disagree with Siskel and Ebert. The film is not a complete disaster. Look, just because it's not as good as the first one doesn't make it a bad movie. The movie is a TON of fun. People claim that the film is a complete carbon copy of the original film. So?** _ **Home Alone 2**_ **was the same as the first film but instead of the boy being home alone in a house, he's alone in New York.** _ **Die Hard 2**_ **was the same as the first film but instead of the cop taking on terrorists in a high-rise in L.A. on Christmas Eve, he's taking on terrorists at an airport in Washington D.C. on Christmas Eve. Also, what's different with this one is that it is family-friendly than the last one. I guess because kids watched the original film and** _ **The Real Ghostbusters**_ **, the execs up at Columbia pictures thought that for the sequel, it should be aimed more towards children. So, that means we don't see any of the Ghostbusters smoking cigarettes and I don't remember that much cursing in the last film.**

 **(Clips from** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **is shown, with a montage of the characters cursing)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): This man has no dick.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by the late Harold Ramis): Shit!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz (Played by Dan Aykroyd): The explosion was caused by dickless here.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson): Oh, shit!**_

 _ **Dana Barrett (Played by Sigourney Weaver): Oh, shit.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked it's ass!/Mother pus bucket.**_

"Hey, that one doesn't count." Sean points at the camera. "But still, when we watched the original film as kids, we were cursing like a bunch of little bastards. But the film was PG."

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I like this sequel, I have a few complaints about it and trust me, we'll get to them.**

"So, is the movie a disappointment it deserves to be or is it an underrated sequel just like _The Fly II_? Well, let's strap on our proton packs because if it's something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime fucking Lannister.**_

"Don't tempt me, Bronn." Sean said as he picks up a crossbow. "This is _Ghostbusters II_."

 **(The movie starts as we see the short version of the Columbia Pictures logo before the movie starts)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we get our short version of the Columbia Pictures logo without the Torch Lady blinding us with the light from her torch, we open the film with….**

 **(The movie starts with the caption in Helvetica Bold font white text "5 Years Later" appearing on a black screen to a dramatic sting)**

"Really? Are you really going to start this film off with '5 Years Later'?" Sean asked, looking uninterested.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Looks like they starting off with this. I mean, can you imagine me starting my reviews off with the words '5 Years Later'?**

"You know what, I'm gonna go down to Wendy's and get myself a classic triple with a large fry and a large Sprite. I'll be right back." Sean said as he got up from off of his couch and heads out of the house.

 **5 Years Later**

Sean returns with his food from Wendy's and sat back down on the couch. "Whew, boy. It felt like a long time."

Sean takes a bite out of his sandwich and picks up the TV Guide to read an article that says " _American Housewife_ Ends On It's Ninth and Final Season".

"What the hell? _American Housewife_ is on it's ninth and final season? What the hell did I miss?" Sean asked.

"Well, Taylor and Trip got married in season eight. She's Taylor Otto-Windsor." Brian said.

"I missed Trip and Taylor's wedding?!" Sean exclaimed. "All I did was to get some food from Wendy's and I was out for five years?! I don't believe it!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see some pink slime oozing out of a crack of the street until we see wheels of a baby carriage trail through it, with some whimsical music from composer Randy Edelman. Easy on the whimsical Edelman. Save it for** _ **Billy Madison**_ **and** _ **Beethoven**_ **. We see that the mother who's pushing her baby in a stroller is none other than Dana Barrett, once again played by Sigourney Weaver. We see that she has a baby named Oscar played by William T. Deutschendorf and his twin brother the late Henry Deutschendorf.**

"Wait, Venkman and Dana got married and they both have a little baby boy named Oscar. Oh, that's great. I knew that those two were gonna spend the rest of their lives with each other." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(A text that reads "They're not together. She married another guy.", appears on the screen as Sean looks down and reads it.)**

"Oh, you are scum, Reitman." Sean said as his smile fades away.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Venkman and Dana split, she married another guy and got a kid until he left, so she's a single mother. Anyway, right when Dana is about to enter her apartment to put her groceries away, the baby carriage with Oscar in it starts rolling away by an unseen force.**

 _ **Dana Barrett: (Chasing after Oscar's carriage) That's my baby! Watch out!**_

"Well, that's one way to start a movie aimed for children, put a child's life in danger." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of putting babies in danger, Oscar's carriage gets rolled into a busy intersection, but Dana manages to catch up with the carriage before her baby turns into street pizza.**

"Hmm, I wonder what would happen if she didn't catch her baby in time?" Sean asked.

 **(The scene plays showing Oscar's carriage being pushed into a busy intersection, a bus appears and it cuts to black right when we hear a crashing noise and Dana screaming "Noooooo!")**

We cut back to Sean, who has a shocked look on his face while staying silent for a bit.

"Ooookay, that was a bit dark. Let's never do that again." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Dana catches up to her baby, we get our opening titles. And this is what I like about this movie, we get the** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **logo instead of the name of the movie being shown. After the logo is shown, we see Ecto-1 driving through the city and we see two of the Ghostbusters, Stanz and Zeddemore, once again played by Dan Aykroyd and Ernie Hudson, as they take care of their big emergency: entertaining kids at a birthday party.**

 _ **Brownstone Mother (Played by the late Mary Ellen Trainor): Hey, kids, listen up! Listen up! Look who's here!**_

"So, that's their big emergency? Entertaining kids at a birthday party? What? Was Bozo the Clown not available?" Sean asked.

 _ **Brownstone Boy #1 (Played by Christopher Villasenor): Aw, I thought it was gonna be He-Man.**_

 _ **Other Kids: Yeah!**_

"That's great. Start off your film with kids hating you for a film aimed for children. And second, He-Man? He's not that popular after _Masters of the Universe_ came out in 1987, and that movie bombed! You want to know what was popular at that time? Ghostbusters." Sean said as a picture of Filmation's _Ghostbusters_ is shown. Sean turns around and looks at the photo, making a disgusted face as he pushes it out of the way and picks up a photo of _The Real Ghostbusters_. "I meant _The Real Ghostbusters_!"

 _ **Jason (Played by Jason Reitman): You know, my dad says you guys are full of crap.**_

 _ **Jason's Mom (Played by Cibby Danyla): Jason, hush!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Well, some people have trouble believing in the paranormal.**_

 _ **Jason: No, my dad says you guys are full of crap and that's why you went out of business.**_

"That's easy for you to say. Your dad directed this movie, you little bastard. And you're working on the new _Ghostbusters_ movie. Talk about the sins of the father." Sean said mentioning the film's director Ivan Reitman and his director son Jason Reitman. "And yes, that's Jason Reitman, Ivan Reitman's son."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, why did the Ghostbusters go out of business? Why are everybody hating them and how come they're performing at kid's birthday parties? What went wrong?**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: We conjured up a 100-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.**_

"Damn! No wonder everybody hates them because of the excessive damage they caused to this city. Walter Peck was 100% right." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Ungrateful little yuppie larvae.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Dana visits Egon, played by the late Harold Ramis, and talks to him about her story with Oscar's carriage and we see that Egon works in a laboratory conducting experiments into human emotion.**

"If you want to conduct experiments into human emotion, you should let them play _Cuphead_. You'll see some real human emotion from people." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And since it's a movie for the kiddies, we gotta pause for a moment just to see a little girl holding a puppy.**

 **Audience: Awwww!**

 _ **Dana Barrett: Isn't that sweet.**_

 **(The girl hugs the puppy)**

"And by the way, that's Ivan Reitman's daughter and future crazy cat lover Maureen Ponderosa star Catherine Reitman. Because since this is an Ivan Reitman film, he's gotta put his children in his movies. Ivan, you're my favorite director and all but please don't act like Francis Ford Coppola." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (To his assistant) Let's see what happens when we take away the puppy.**_

"Aww, don't take the puppy away. You'll make her cry. Oh, wait. Give her a cat." Sean said as he picks up Riley.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Peter, played once again by Bill Murray, is hosting a psychic television show called** _ **World of the Psychics**_ **, where he's discussing end of the world predictions with Sam Witwicky's father from the** _ **Transformers**_ **movies and Monica Gallagher from** _ **Shameless**_ **.**

 _ **Milton Angland (Played by Kevin Dunn): I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end… on New Year's Eve.**_

"And I'm getting another strong psychic belief that Michael Bay is going to butt-fuck the _Transformers_ movies with it's shitty sequels." Sean said, imitating Milton as he puts a finger to his forehead.

"Dude, I think the biggest issue _Revenge of the Fallen_ had was that damn writer's strike back then." Brian told Sean.

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: But I think my other guest may disagree with you. Elaine, now you had another date in mind.**_

 _ **Elaine (Played by Chloe Webb): According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14**_ _ **th**_ _ **in the year 2016.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Looks at the camera) Valentine's Day. Bummer.**_

"Close. It was the year when this movie came out." Sean pointed to his right at the poster of the _Ghostbusters_ reboot and we hear someone screaming in the background.

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Where'd you get your date, Elaine?**_

 _ **Elaine: I received this information from an alien.**_

"Frank Gallagher?" Sean asked.

 _ **Elaine: He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device, because he forced me to follow him to his room, and that's where he told me about the end of the world.**_

"So, it is Frank Gallagher who gave her that information." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After his show is over, Peter tries to talk to Mayor Lenny Clotch, once again played by the late David Margulies, but he is stopped by the Mayor's assistant named Jack Hardemeyer, played by Kurt Fuller. He's the Walter Peck of this film. Let's refer to him as Watered Peck.**

 _ **Hardemeyer (Played by Kurt Fuller): I'm Jack Hardemeyer. I'm the mayor's assistant. I know who you are, Dr. Venkman. (Looks around) I just don't see any ghosts anywhere.**_

"Yeah, this guy should know about the psychic phenomenon." Sean said, referring to Kurt Fuller as Coroner Woody Strode from the show _Psych_.

 _ **Hardemeyer: Look, you stay away from the mayor. He's running for governor next fall, and the last thing we need is for him to be associated with two-bit frauds and publicity hounds like you and your friends.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: You know, I'm a voter. Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?**_

"Well, isn't what people do in politics?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Manhattan Museum of Art and we're introduced to what I have to say is the best part of this movie, Peter MacNicol as Janosz Poha.**

"Why? Because if you put Peter MacNicol in your movie or in a television show, it would make it better. Hell, you could cast him as the Mad Hatter in the _Batman: Arkham_ games. That would be awesome!" Sean exclaimed as a photo of Peter MacNicol is shown along with a photo of the Mad Hatter.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This dude is so hilarious, his first line is comedy gold.**

 _ **Janosz Poha (Played by Peter MacNicol): (Speaking with an employee) Everything you are doing is bad. I want you to know this.**_

"I don't know what kind of accent he's speaking in but it's fucking hilarious." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that he's Dana's boss. So, Dana has went from playing in the orchestra to art restoration.**

"What's next? Have her working for Weylan-Yutani in the third film?" Sean asked. "Remember what happened to the last guy who worked for that company?"

 **(A clip from** _ **Alien**_ **is shown where Kane gets a facehugger attached to his face)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Peter goes to visit Ray and Egon at a bookstore that Ray owns and he's kept out of the loop on what those two are working on, so Peter interrogates Ray in his very own special way.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Tortures Ray by pulling on his ears) Who?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: (Groans in pain) I can't! No, no, no! No, I can't, I-**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes you can, yes you can! Who?!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Nobody, nobody!**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Can you tell me now?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Aggh!**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Now?!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Dana Barrett!**_

"Kind of reminds me of me and my friend Geoffery every time he tends to torture me by pulling on my ears. Hmm? Why am I having some déjà vu?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, as they arrive at Dana's apartment, she tries to fend off Venkman's advances while they have their lukewarm reunion.**

 _ **Dana Barrett: Hello, Peter.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Trying to sound sexy) Hello, Dana.**_

"Okay, how long until these get back together? Just say that they're going to get back together, movie. Old feelings are gonna resurface and they're gonna fall in love again. They're like Haleb from _Pretty Little Liars_." Sean said as a photo of Hanna and Caleb from _Pretty Little Liars_ is shown. "They fall in love, they break up, old feelings resurface and they end up falling in love again."

"Got that right." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, let's work that comedy magic for the kiddies with the baby that the writers added in.**

 **(Ray and Egon do some basic medical tests on Oscar)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Okay. Subject is a male Caucasian, approximately-**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (Measuring Oscar) 24 inches.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: 24 inches in length. Subject weighs approximately 18 pounds and is about eight months old. Ocular?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (Shining a light) Pupilary response normal.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Auditory.**_

 **(Ray and Egon snap their fingers as Oscar moves his head)**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Is normal.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Papilary reflex.**_

 **(They tickle Oscar)**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Appears to be ticklish.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Yep, baby ticklish.**_

"The Ghostbusters, ladies and gentlemen. While they're not busy busting ghosts, they're entertaining children at birthday parties and playing with babies." Sean said. "Well, Bill Murray is good at improv. Maybe he could be good at working with children. I mean, putting Bill Murray in a movie with a baby is like putting Bill Murray in a movie with an animal."

 **(The movie poster for the 1996 Bill Murray movie** _ **Larger Than Life**_ **is shown. The young critic shudders in fear after mentioning the box-office flop.)**

"Except for that one." Sean said.

 **(Peter picks Oscar while humming a tune and swings him around with his hands. Then, pretends that Oscar is eating his nose.)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Help! He's gone completely berserk! Help!**_

"Well, that was painfully awkward. We went from Venkman being the loveable douchebag in the last film to Venkman being friends with a baby. Was this the Hollywood Sequel Doctor's idea for helping the writers come up with ideas for the sequel?" Sean asked. "Can we move on to something else?"

 **(We cut to the next scene where Egon and Ray are checking out Oscar's room)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: So what, braniac?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: I'd like to do some gynelogical tests on the mother.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Who wouldn't?**_

Sean just looks on at the camera with a disgusted look on his face after what Peter said. "Ewww! This is a family picture! Next!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Peter, Ray and Egon investigating where Oscar's carriage stopped on the street by posing as street workers and tearing up the street to see what's under it. Um, quick question: where's Winston? He's a Ghostbuster, shouldn't he join them to help them out? What? Was Ernie Hudson busy with the movie** _ **Leviathan**_ **at the time? Because that's the same year that movie and** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **came out.**

"Along with a few other movies that came out that year. Man, 1989 was a good year for movies." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then a police officer played by Mr. Chopsaw from** _ **Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide**_ **, drives by and questions them.**

 _ **Policeman (Played by Dave Florek): (Questions Egon after noticing him drilling a hole in the street) Why are you cutting?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (As a road worker) Why am I cutting?**_

 _ **Policeman: Yeah.**_

"Oh, shit. It's the fuzz. Okay, let's use our worst road worker accent as possible just to trick this guy." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: (as a road worker) Take it easy. He's been working overtime. I'll tell you why we're here, we're here because some diaper bag downtown's being a jerk and making us work on a Friday night. Am I right, Peter?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (as a road worker) Of course you're right, Raymond. Is he right, Ziggy?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Yo!**_

"Well, at least it wasn't silly as Harley Quinn's accent." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Manhattan Museum of Art, Janosz is busy restoring the painting of Vigo the Carpathian, until orange lightning bolts from his eyes and the painting comes to life.**

 **(The painting of Vigo changes to reveal a floating head)**

 _ **Vigo the Carpathian (Played by the late Wilhelm Von Homburg. His voice is dubbed by the great Max Von Sydow): Listen to me.**_

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: What?! Who?!**_

"All of a sudden, Vigo is just a creepy floating head. You have the 3D Mario head from _Super Mario 64_ , the CGI floating head of Felix the Cat from _Felix the Cat: The Movie_ , James Stewart's floating head from Alfred Hitchcock's _Vertigo_ and Andross from _Star Fox_. Vigo's floating head is in the Creepy Floating Heads Club." Sean said as a photo of Vigo and other characters floating heads that he mentioned are shown with a clubhouse.

 **Sean: (Narrating) What I also like about this movie is that it has an awesome villain. This is Vigo the Carpathian, a 16** **th** **century tyrant trapped in a painting. He's played by the late German actor/boxer Wilhelm Von Homburg, who you might recognize him as James, one of the terrorists who got blown up by C4 explosives dropped by Bruce Willis in** _ **Die Hard**_ **.**

 _ **Vigo the Carpathian: I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow of Moldavia, command you.**_

"Vigo the Dracula?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, that's not his actual voice. That's Max Von Sydow doing the voice of Vigo. (A photo of Max Von Sydow as Father Merrin in** _ **The Exorcist**_ **is shown). Here's a fun fact, Vigo's voice was dubbed by Sydow in the finished movie, and when Von Homburg saw what had happened, he stormed out of the screening.**

"Why did he storm out of the screening? Well, you saw the video of the actor as Vigo the Carpathian when the Nostalgia Critic reviewed this movie, let's just say that they made the right choice with Sydow and when you watch the behind the scenes video the actor reciting lines, it's fucking hilarious. Plus, I was reading about Wilhelm Von Homburg's weird, disturbing life, I read that in an interview with sports website Deadpan, executive producer Michael C. Gross called Von Homburg, he said and I quote, "a crude, bigoted asshole.". Damn! Was he that difficult to work with? I know that the relationship between Bill Murray and Harold Ramis soured while filming the movie but this guy was just a dick." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vigo orders Janosz to find him a child so that he might live again.**

"A child? Why inhabit the body of a child so he can live again? Why does this all sound too familiar?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Child's Play**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chucky (Voiced by Brad Dourif): I got a date with a 6-year-old boy.**_

"Oh, God! They're ripping off _Child's Play_ , but instead of a killer doll swapping souls with a little boy, you have a painting trying to possess an adorable little baby." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's check back in with the Ghostbusters, where Ray is being lowered under the city, only to come across a river of…**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: SLIME!**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: It's a river of slime!**_

"A river of pink slime. Where the hell did it come from?" Sean asked. "Did a unicorn vomit in the sewers or is it just Mr. Bubble's splooge?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) But as the cops and a worker from Con Ed catch on to the Ghostbusters lies, Ray tries to get a sample until he gets attacked by the slime.**

"Ugh, slimed again." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Peter and Egon manage to pull him up and Ray accidentally causes a blackout by breaking a pipe which causes it to crash into a power wire.**

 **(After the pipe crashes into a power wire, we see First Avenue goes dark, then we cut to the New York City skyline and everything goes dark as well.)**

"Oh, man. I hate to be the poor guy who's sitting in his apartment when that blackout happened. Who knows what he was going to do." Sean said.

 **(The scene where Ray accidentally causes a blackout is shown, then we get a cutaway gag where we see Sean on his laptop in his room looking up some pornographic material.)**

 **Sean: (On his laptop) Alright, time for some Brazzers fun. Ooh, a hot girl on girl video with Kimber Veils and Kira Noir. (Grabs some Lubriderm lotion) Time to have some fun.**

 **(All of a sudden, the power goes out)**

 **Sean: (Yells) Oh, come on!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because of their actions, our heroes get arrested and sent to court where we see a judge, played by Harris Yulin from** _ **Scarface**_ **and** _ **Clear and Present Danger**_ **, tackling their case.**

 _ **Judge Stephen Wexler (Played by Harris Yulin): Before we begin this trial I want to make one thing very clear. The law does not recognize the existence of ghosts. I don't believe in them either. Don't wanna hear a lot of malarkey about goblins and spooks and demons. We're gonna stick to the facts in this case and leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood?**_

"I'm sorry, what were they sued for again?" Sean asked.

 **(A previous clip is shown)**

 **Winston Zeddemore: We conjured up a 100-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, ended up getting sued by every state, county and city agency in New York.**

"And you say that the law does not recognize the existence of ghosts?" Sean asked.

"Wish the executives hadn't ruined this, it was supposed to be a lot different." Brian said.

"You idiots do know what you saw five years ago. You saw a bunch of ghosts running wild, a demon from another dimension taking form of a 100-foot marshmallow man who was walking through the city of New York with millions of people running for their lives? Come on!" Sean exclaimed. It's like having Crockett and Tubbs in court and they're getting sued for damages including getting into shootouts with a bunch of drug dealers and a judge saying this to them." Sean said.

 **(A photo of Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice is shown)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Wexler) I don't believe in drug dealers. Anyone who even says the word "drugs", just erase it from the record.**

"But wait, what about Winston? Shouldn't he be with those guys? Eh, screw him!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since the Ghostbusters are in court for what they've done, they got to have a lawyer to defend them, in the form of their ally Louis Tully, played once again by Rick "** _ **Honey, I Shrunk the Kids**_ **" Moranis, and I have to admit it's pretty hilarious having Louis as their lawyer. Plus, he makes a hilarious opening statement.**

 _ **Louis Tully (Played by Rick Moranis): Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the- of the audience. I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds. Okay, so the blackout was a big problem for everybody, okay? I was stuck in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don't blame them. Because one time I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.**_

 **(Judge Wexler just looks at Louis while someone in the courtroom laughs)**

"Worst. Lawyer. Ever." Brian said.

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Don't look at me, I think these people are completely nuts.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Louis' hilarious opening remarks, the female prosecutor played by the late Janet Margolin, questions the Con Ed worker named Mr. Fianella or as I like to call him "Mr. Viennetta, played by Richard Foronjy, about their equipment and then she shows him Exhibit F which is the jar of pink slime.**

 _ **Con Ed Supervisor: Your Honor, I've been working underground for Con Ed for 27 years. I never saw anything like this in my life. Whatever's down there, they must've put it there.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: No, we didn't!**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Ray. Ray.**_

 _ **Judge Stephen Wexler: (Slams his gavel) Shut up!**_

"I'd do what he says, Ray. The dude used to be a crooked cop affiliated with a drug lord named Frank Lopez." Sean said making a reference to the 1983 film _Scarface_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's Venkman's turn to testify. But first, Louis examines Peter and Peter starts feeding his lawyer words.**

 _ **Louis Tully: So you were just trying to help- -**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Help out a friend.**_

 _ **Louis Tully: Help out a friend**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Who was frightened.**_

 _ **Louis Tully: Who was scared. Or what's happened to her. And when you're scared—what?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: There was no evil- -**_

 _ **Louis Tully: There was no evil intended. No malice. Because you live here. When you live in a place and you love it like you do, you don't want nothing bad to happen.**_

 **(Peter mumbles)**

 _ **Louis Tully: What?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: It was a one-shot…**_

 _ **Louis Tully: Because it'll never happen again. It's an isolated incident, it's a one-shot deal.**_

 _ **Prosecutor (Played by the late Janet Margolin): Objection, Your Honor.**_

 _ **Louis Tully: What?**_

 _ **Prosecutor: He's leading the witness.**_

"Uh, don't you mean "leading the lawyer"? God, that joke was so terrible." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, this court does not recognize the existence of ghosts, but it recognize cheering for people who hate you when you make this awesome line.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?**_

 **(The crowd cheers after Peter's statement)**

"Yay! We suddenly like you now. And you got your line for the trailer. I hope you're happy. Can this line be in the trailer? Please. I want it to be in the trailer." Sean begged.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **trailer is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Sometimes weird things happen, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown once more)**

 _ **Bronn: Jaime fucking Lannister.**_

"Don't ruin this moment, Bronn." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the judge finds them guilty on all charges, and his angers seems to get a strong reaction to the pink slime.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: (After seeing the slime bubbling up) Egie, she's twitching.**_

 **(The slime keeps bubbling)**

 _ **Judge Stephen Wexler: (Yells) I'm not finished! (Normal tone) On a more personal note, let me just go on record as saying that there's no place for fakes, charlatans…**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Uh, Your Honor…**_

 _ **Judge Stephen Wexler: Shut up! Tricksters like you in decent society.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Your Honor, this is important.**_

 _ **Judge Stephen Wexler: You play on the gullibility of innocent people.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Yes, sir.**_

 _ **Judge Stephen Wexler: Be quiet!**_

"Your Honor, they're trying to warn you about the slime. I suggest that you shut the fuck up and listen to them and look at the pink stuff that's bubbling up." Sean warned.

 **(A clip from** _ **Scarface**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mel Bernstein (Played by Harris Yulin): Fuck you!**_

"It reacts to negative emotions, sir. Just shut the fuck up!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that this slime reacts to negative emotions. And because of the idiot judge's negative emotions, this results in….**

 **(The slime explodes, resulting in two laughing ghosts of electrified humans known as The Scoleri Brothers)**

"Okay, say what you want about this movie but I still say that the visual effects still look good." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seeing the ghosts of two dead convicts that he gave the chair to, the judge freaks out and he decides to rescind the order, and the Ghostbusters are back in action to capture the dead Beagle Boys from** _ **Oz**_ **.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: You know, it's been a couple of years since we used this stuff. I hope it still works.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: It should. Power cells have a half-life of 5000 years.**_

"Uh, I suggest that you try it out to see if it still works. I mean, you do not want to cause a nuclear explosion. Eh, who am I kidding? It'll be fine." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Charges his pack) Do…**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: (Charges his pack) Re…**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (Charges his pack) Egon!**_

 **(Peter then gives Egon a look)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Peter) Seriously? You had to say your name just because Ray said "Re". That's just dumb…**

 **Brian: (V/O as Egon) Don't judge me. I'm the only one that's funny.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we're about 35 minutes into the film and we see the Ghostbusters busting ghosts again. And I have to admit, it's pretty cool and the scene where they catch the Scoleri Brothers in the courtroom is one of my favorite scenes from the whole movie. But I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to nitpick about it but we had to wait so damn long just to see them busting ghosts again. But enough about me nitpicking, our three heroes finally capture the ghosts and say this awesome line.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Two in the box!**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Ready to go!**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: We be fast…**_

 _ **Peter, Ray and Egon: And they be slow!**_

"We like to rhyme. We like rhymes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After they nab the ghosts, the city cheers for the Ghostbusters and they're in love with them again. Then we get a montage of the Ghostbusters back in action as they get the business back and dealing with other paranormal activities roaming around New York and we see that Janine, once again played by Annie Potts, is back for the ride.**

 _ **Janine Melnitz (Played by Annie Potts): Ghostbuster. Yes, we're back.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And during the montage, we're treated with a Ghostbusters rap performed by Run D.M.C.**

 **(During the montage, we hear Run D.M.C.'s rap version of the song** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **)**

"Yeah, this is much better than Fall Out Boy's version of Ghostbusters." Sean said as Fall Out Boy's version of the _Ghostbusters_ theme starts playing. "OH, GOD! TURN IT OFF!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, since they're doing a montage like in the first film, they got to do a commercial. Because, first movie did it.**

 **(A commercial plays on TV, showing all four Ghostbusters while Dana watches and feeding Oscar)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What? Hold on. Half-price? Have we all gone mad?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: I guess so, Pete. Because that's not all. Tell them, Egon.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Oh, you mean the Ghostbusters hot-beverage thermal mug and free balloons for the kids?**_

 **(Dana laughs)**

"Oh, make sure you sell some Ghost Blaster toys for Hardee's for the kiddies. Make sure you collect them all." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(A clip from the Hardee's commercial promoting** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Manager: I ain't afraid of no ghost.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that montage, we see the Ghostbusters experiment with the pink slime by yelling at it and seeing how it reacts to negative emotional states, simply calling it mood slime.**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: We've been running tests to see if we can get an equally strong positive reaction.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: What kind of tests?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Well, we sing to it, and we talk to it, ans say supportive, nurturing things to it.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: You're not sleeping with it, are you, Ray?**_

 **(Ray looks at Egon. Egon looks away and there's an uncomfortable silence as Winston and Venkman look at Egon as well.)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, you.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: It's always the quiet ones.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: You hound.**_

"Oh God. I do not want the image of Egon having sex with the pink slime burned in my memory. It'll scar me for life." Sean shuddered in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough about having sex with slime, they perform another experiment on the slime like putting some ooze in the toaster and making it dance to Jackie Wilson's** _ **Higher and Higher**_ **.**

"I'm not kidding! They make a toaster dance to Jackie Wilson." Sean said, pointing at the camera.

 **(The toaster starts dancing to Jackie Wilson's Higher and Higher, amusing the Ghostbusters)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Shake it up!**_

 **(The toaster spits out toast as Egon catches it and stops the music)**

"Okay, who came up with this idea? Was it the Hollywood Sequel Doctor's idea to put the dancing toaster in the movie? I bet you he was speaking to Ivan Reitman and the execs at Columbia Pictures while they were coming up with ideas for _Ghostbusters II_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, at least they didn't stick a knife in the toaster. Unlike some people.**

 **(A clip from the RackaRacka video** _ **Guy Puts Knife in a Toaster**_ **is shown, showing Danny sticking a knife into a toaster, causing the toaster to explode)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (After pulling a prank) Oh, did you ever go for it! The old man-eating toaster bit.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, at the Manhattan Museum of Art, Dana is about to restore a painting until she notices something about the Vigo painting, which freaks her out.**

 **(Vigo smiles at Dana. Dana turns around and sees the painting smiling at her. This freaks her out as she walks away from it)**

"Whoa, go back." Sean said as he picks up the remote and plays back the footage, only to see Vigo smiling, realizing what he was doing. "Okay, he was doing the Elvis lip. I'm not kidding, he was doing the Elvis lip just like he was doing on the NES game. You know what I'm talking about. Right after the player dies, you get the game over screen and you see Vigo doing the Elvis lip."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, time for some of that Peter/Dana romance you've been craving for.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: You're good, pretty eyes.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: I didn't paint it. I'm just cleaning it. It's a Gauguin.**_

"Okay, we get it. You two are going end up together again. You still have that spark for each other. God, why bother redoing the romance again?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Janosz arrives to see who's hitting on this pretty lady that he has a creepy crush on and Peter introduces him to Janosz.**

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: Quite enjoy. You're not here on business, I hope?**_

"What kind of Eastern European accent is that? It's hilarious!" Sean laughed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Dana is about to give her son Oscar a bath, then she gets another paranormal encounter. Either that or there's something wrong with the plumbing in her apartment.**

 **(Pink ooze comes out of the water faucet and forms into a living thing. Dana picks up Oscar and turns around. The mass of pink ooze reaches for Oscar and attacks. Dana screams and runs out of the bathroom)**

"Hmm, I don't know. That was looking a bit too silly looking. I mean, are they going for scary like _The Blob '88_ or silly scary like a Pepto Bismol blob puppet trying to attack a mother and her baby. And what's taking Vigo so long to catching this kid? He's sure taking his sweet-ass time trying to get Oscar. Hell, a few scenes ago…" Sean said.

 **(We cut to a scene where Janosz visits Dana at her apartment)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He sent Janosz over to Dana's apartment during the blackout but Dana wouldn't let him in. Uh, couldn't he just possess Janosz's body and try to take over the world instead of trying to possess a little baby?**

"That plan could go so much faster!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seeking safe haven, Dana drops by Venkman's apartment, who's sleeping on the couch.**

"Doesn't he have a bed?" Sean asked. "And a quick question: how could he afford a place like this? A place that big?! What? Is it money from Public Access TV and ghostbusting gets you a New York apartment like that?!" Sean asked. "Not one person could get an apartment like that!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) She tells Peter about what happened back at her apartment, involving the pink ooze. And then we get more of that baby humor from Bill Murray.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (Taking out a sweatshirt) I have been holding onto this for a long time, Oscar. I got this from a girl who got this from Joe Willie Namath. Okay. We don't know how, we don't want to know. (Makes a diaper out of his sweatshirt)/Oh. Look at him, look at him, oh, look at this guy/Oh, he's a coconut, this guy.**_

"Don't you just love this movie's baby humor?" Sean asked. "Only for the kiddies."

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: (To Oscar as he points a finger at him) You're short, your bell button sticks out too far and you're a terrible burden on your poor mother.**_

"And he's putting him down! Get it?! He's putting him down!" Sean starts laughing loudly and sarcastically from that terrible baby joke. "Fuck! That joke was terrible! Movie, I love you but you need better jokes."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the Ghostbusters meet up at the museum and we learn some information about Vigo the Carpathian.**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Vigo the Carpathian. Born 1505, died 1610.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: A hundred and five years old. He hung in there, didn't he?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: And he didn't die of old age, either, He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Ouch.**_

"Oh, please. I've been shot, I've been stabbed, I've been trampled over by buffalo. Okay, I lied. But in the history of the reviews I do, I tend to get shot at and struck by lightning and beat up." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised and Vigo the Unholy.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?**_

"He was also known as Vigo the Dracula." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But a certain art restoration expert tries to stop them from trying to examine the Vigo but fails to do so. They analyze the painting and all of a sudden, Vigo seems to possess Ray for some odd reason.**

 **(While Peter is taking photos of the painting, Ray is looking at Vigo's eyes. His eyes turn red, then blue again as Ray stares in disbelief.**

"Which brings me to this part. In the original script, it had Ray driving the car in rage, almost killing them all. Which explains this weird edit from the comeback montage." Sean said.

 **(We cut back to the montage, showing Ray driving Ecto-1, drives against the red light and almost hitting someone, which confuses Egon and Peter as they exchange baffled looks.)**

"And we know why he's giving that look in the original version." Sean said. "But they kept that intact in the comic book adaptation with _The Real Ghostbusters_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Peter's apartment, we see that Peter sees that Dana cleaned up his messy apartment and asks her out on a date and hires Janine for a babysitter.**

 _ **Dana Barrett: Peter, I don't think we should go out on a date. You know, I can't leave Oscar in a strange place with a strange person.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Strange person? Janine Melnitz, from my staff.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: Janine has experience babysitting?**_

"Yeah, you should see her take care of the last three kids she was babysitting for this couple from Texas." Sean said, referencing _Young Sheldon_.

"She didn't do that bad." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, by the way. Louis and Janine are a thing. Since people want to keep shipping Peter and Dana, they want to ship Louis and Janine as well. Wait, wasn't she in love with Egon? But it's suddenly Seymour that she's attracted to.**

 _ **Louis Tully: Do you wanna have something to eat with me?**_

"Seriously, people shipping Louis and Janine is like shipping Veronica and Reggie from _Riverdale_." Sean said as a photo of Reggie and Veronica kissing is shown. "Oh! Fuck you, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa!"

"What he said." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Ghostbusters HQ, Ray and Egon are examining the photos of Vigo and then we learn the most dreaded thing possible, two New Yorkers like Chicago pizza!**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Pizza?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Thin or thick?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Chicago.**_

"They like Chicago pizza? You bastards! That's like me, a person who lives in Cincinnati, Ohio, not eating LaRosa's Pizza and liking New York pizza. Okay, bad example. Let me try another one. That's like me eating Texas chili instead of Cincinnati chili like Gold Star Chili." Sean said. "People in Cincinnati are passionate about their chili."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, they make a shocking connection to Vigo and the pink slime as the photos catch on fire and locking Ray and Egon in the room. Uh, you idiots do know that there's a water source in this room.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: What are we gonna do, stick our heads in the toilet?**_

"Dude, bad idea." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before Ray and Egon burn into a crisp, Winston comes in to save the day. Well, I guess he's back from starring in** _ **Leviathan**_ **. I wonder what one-liner he's going to say….**

 **(We jump cut to a view of the New York skyline at night with a peaceful score)**

"Again, don't you just love how Randy Edelman's music score. We went from people almost dying." Sean said.

 **(The previous scene plays, showing Egon and Ray in danger with an intense music score)  
**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: (Knocks on the door) Winston!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Winston!**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: That way! That way!**_

 **(Winston breaks the door down and puts the fire out as a heroic score is heard before cutting to a peaceful sight of New York City)**

"Everybody, let's take time to appreciate how beautiful New York looks. Look, you can see three guys getting gunned down by two guys with uzis in front of a restaurant." Sean said.

 **(We cut to the New York skyline at night, then we cut to a clip from the** _ **Law & Order**_ **episode** _ **The Torrents of Greed Part 2**_ **from season one, showing the character Frank Masucci and two of his men getting violently gunned down by two hit men while Randy Edelman's peaceful music score is played throughout)**

"Gotta love New York. It's so lovely." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Ray, Egon and Winston go underground to go find the river of slime that Ray saw.**

"Why couldn't they do that before?!" Sean snapped a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While they're investigating the tunnel, we get something that would scare the kiddies, which comes straight out of an R-rated movie.**

 **(Severed heads pop up everywhere as Ray, Egon and Winston scream in horror)**

"You know? For kids!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face. "In fact, let's play some gory scenes that would fit with this scene."

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Okay, I'm outta here.**_

 **(A clip from 1976 version of** _ **The Omen**_ **is shown, showing the character Keith Jennings getting beheaded by a sheet of window glass sliding off of a truck. Another clip is shown, this time it's from** _ **The Exorcist**_ **which is the crucifix stabbing scene. Then, a third scene is shown, this time showing the head exploding scene from the movie** _ **Scanners**_ **. And finally a fourth scene, this time it's the head melting scene from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **. All fours scenes play out while Ray, Egon and Winston start screaming in horror)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that scene that would scar your children for life, the three of them venture on until they hear something very unusual.**

 **(They hear a rumbling noise)**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: What's that?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: What's what?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Sounds like a train.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Probably in one of the tunnels above us.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: I don't know. Sounds awfully close to me.**_

 **(The rumbling sound gets louder as they see a light and hear a train whistle, a train comes down the tunnel.)**

"Oh, crap! It's the ghost train from _Cuphead_! Quick, jump out of the way!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Ray and Egon jump out of the way but Winston just stands there and screams)**

"Quick, save Winston. He needs to be in the rest of the mo… eh, screw him!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The ghost train goes through Winston and goes away)**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: I think that was the old New York Central, City of Albany. Derailed in 1920, killed hundreds of people. Did you catch the number on the locomotive?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Sorry, I missed it.**_

"I guess the train was just passing through." Sean said as the audience boos at him from his bad pun. "What? What? Oh, come on!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Ray attempts to do a jump scare on Egon and Winston, they come across the pink slime. Winston tries to get a sounding but ends up getting pulled in, so Ray and Egon go after him by jumping into the Pepto Bismol river to save their friend and….**

 **(We cut to Peter and Dana at the restaurant together)**

 _ **Dana Barrett: A toast to the most charming, kindest….**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, that's me.**_

 _ **Dana Barrett: That's you. And most unusual guy I have ever broken up with.**_

"More of this pointless romance. You know, Reitman. You just showed three of the Ghostbusters drowning into slime, then you cut to a relaxing date with Peter and Dana on a date. That's mixed fuckin' signals right there. These tow are dressed up in their finest clothes and they're having dinner at a fancy restaurant and giving each other compliments. Come on! They're still in love with each other. Look, you two are just like Hanna Marin and Caleb Rivers, you're gonna end up together again! Hell, Haleb is better than these two, Haleb have the most steamy sex scenes in _Pretty Little Liars_." Sean said.

 _ **Dana Barrett: Well, why don't you just give me a jingle in the year 2000.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Why don't I give you a jingle right now?**_

 **(Dana and Peter kiss)**

"Just like Hanna and Caleb, you two idiots deserve each other." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Peter's apartment, Louis and Janine are both watching Oscar and after he puts Oscar down for a nap, the two of them have a little moment together.**

 _ **Louis Tully: So you wanna play Boggle or Super Mario Brothers?**_

 _ **Janine Melnitz: You know, I think motherhood's a very natural instinct. I'd like a child myself. (Crosses her legs on Louis) Would you?**_

 _ **Louis Tully: Tonight?**_

"Skip it!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ray, Egon and Winston come from their swim in Ivan Ooze's splooge, Ray and Winston get into a fight with each other.**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Nice going, Ray. What are you trying to do, drown me?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Oh, yeah, Zeddemore, like it was my fault. That you were too stupid not to drop that plumb line!**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Stupid? Hey, you better watch your mouth or I'll punch your lights out.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Oh, yeah?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Yeah!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Well, anytime!**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Come on! Come on!**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: It's go time, man. I want you bad!**_

"Wait, what?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: I want you bad!**_

Music from _Brokeback Mountain_ starts playing in the background as Sean starts freaking out. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Turn it off, turn it off!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before things get homoerotic between the two of them, Egon tells them to strip down to their pajamas because the ooze channels anger and they learn that the ooze is flowing to the museum, so they go to the restaurant where Peter and Dana are having dinner to warn him about the ooze, then they get arrested… again. Then, they go see the mayor and (Notices a cameo from Bobby Brown) hey, look! It's Bobby Brown!**

 _ **Mayor's Doorman (Played by Bobby Brown, credited as Bobby Baresford Brown): Oh, Ghostbusters!**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: How you doing?**_

 _ **Mayor's Doorman: Hey, guys, come right this way. (He gets the door for the Ghostbusters) Hey, you guys got another one of those proton packs? My kid brother really wants one.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: The proton pack is not a toy.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: I guess he's right.**_

"Oh, come on. He needs it for the _On Our Own_ music video, plus he wants to show New Edition how badass he can be without him because he's got a proton pack and they don't." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, they talk to the mayor about what's going on, because the first movie did it. They tell him that the negative energy from the city has turned into this pink ooze. The situation is so bad that somebody says a swear word.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Lenny, have you been out on the street lately? Do you know how weird it is out there? We've taken our own head count. There seem to be 3 million completely miserable assholes living in the Tri-State area.**_

"Well, there you go, parents. Aren't you glad you've taken your kids to see this movie just to hear Bill Murray cuss? They wouldn't let that pass Disney Channel censors." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then they tell him that New York has to be nicer in order to defeat the pink ooze.**

 _ **The Mayor (Played by the late David Margulies): Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right.**_

"Well, that's New York in a nutshell. That city is filled with assholes. And the mayor is one of them. I mean, come on. We liked the Ghostbusters because they were assholes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the mayor leaves after hearing enough of their story, Jack Hard-on here is stuck with the Ghostbusters as our heroes come up with a silly name for the apocalypse like "Times Square Slime" and "Slime Square" and what does Hardemeyer do? He has them committed to a psychiatric hospital!**

 _ **Jack Hardemeyer: The mayor wants them kept under strict observation for the next few days. We think they're seriously disturbed and potentially dangerous.**_

 _ **Psychiatrist (Played by Brian Doyle-Murray): Well, we'll do whatever's necessary.**_

"Oh, hey Brian Doyle-Murray. Can't wait to see you in the movie Groundhog Day with your brother Bill." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While the Ghostbusters are locked up in a psychiatric hospital, we cut back to the Manhattan Museum of Art, where Vigo prepares his plan to become the ruler of the world and for Janosz to bring him Baby Oscar, Renfield from Dracula: Dead and Loving it has another request, which involves Dana.**

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: I was wondering. Uh. This woman, Dana, is fine and strong. Now, if I was to bring the baby, could I have that woman?**_

"Wait, why does he need Dana if he brings the baby?" Sean asked, then his eyes widened in shock after realizing what he meant. "Oh, God!"

 _ **Vigo the Carpathian: So be it. On this day of darkness, she will be ours. Wife to you and mother to me.**_

"Oh, man. This have the makings of a really bad 80s sitcom." Sean said. "Tune into _Life With Vigo_ , Friday nights on ABC's TGIF."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Vigo puts his plan in motion as Oscar gets kidnapped to what I could say is the most creepiest thing in the movie. I know that the Nostalgia Critic mentioned this moment and I will too.**

 **(A glowing transparent figure flies to Oscar with a carriage. The figure is revealed to be Janosz, who's dressed as a spiritual nanny. His eyes glow red and creepily grins at Oscar)**

"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out as he runs out of the living room.

 _ **Dana Barrett: No, no, no.**_

 **(Janosz snatches Oscar and puts him in a baby carriage)**

 _ **Dana Barrett: No!**_

 **(Janosz flies away with Oscar)**

"Okay, imagine _Mary Poppins Returns_ and instead of Emily Blunt playing Mary Poppins you have John Cage from _Ally McBeal_ dressed in drag. That would totally scare the shit out of every kid that's sitting in the theater."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to make things even more creepy, let's add Uncle Jeff's laugh from** _ **Veep**_ **right when Janosz makes that creepy-ass grin on his face.**

 **(The scene plays as Janosz grins, this time Uncle Jeff's laugh from the HBO show** _ **Veep**_ **is added)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with our heroes, the psychiatrist questions them about Vigo and the slime.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: As I explained before, we the spirit of a 17**_ _ **th**_ _ **-century Moldavian tyrant is alive and well in a painting at the Manhattan Museum of Art.**_

 _ **Psychiatrist: Uh-huh. And are there any other paintings in the museum with bad spirits in them?**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: You're wasting valuable time. He's drawing strength from a psychomagnotheric slime flow that's been collecting under the city.**_

 _ **Psychiatrist: Yes, tell me about the slime.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: It's very potent stuff. We made a toaster dance with it. And a bathtub tried to eat his friend's baby.**_

 _ **Psychiatrist: A bathtub?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Don't look at me. I think these people are completely nuts.**_

"Isn't that what Bill Murray said about this movie?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dana arrives at the museum to rescue her son, only to be cornered by Janosz's crazy ass and to get herself captured as well. Great plan, Dana. Great plan. Then, the slime starts to rise and ghosts start running rampant because (In a silly voice) FIRST MOVIE DID IT! Aside from the late Glenn Frey's** _ **Flip City**_ **playing through the scene, there are two funny bits that I like. One, involving a rich woman's fur coat coming to life.**

 **(A rich woman with a fur coat steps in slime, the fur coat comes to life and attack. She throws it off as the coat runs down the street)**

"You know what they say "fur is murder"? Well, fur murders you." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I especially love this one bit with the Titanic.**

 **(A dock supervisor and his co-worker sees that the Titanic arrived)**

 _ **Dock Supervisor (Played by Cheech Marin): Well, better late than never.**_

"Whoa, are you seeing this, man? There's a ghost of a rapping dog coming out of the Titanic and Leonardo DiCaprio. Man, this is some good shit." Sean said, imitating Cheech Marin.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at City Hall, the situation is out of the control and now one knows how to handle it, so the mayor ask Hardemeyer to call the Ghostbusters, but he ends up fucking up when he tells them why they're not available.**

 _ **Jack Hardemeyer: Well, I had them committed to the psychiatric ward at Parkview Hospital.**_

 _ **The Mayor: You what?**_

 _ **Jack Hardemeyer: They were threatening to go to the press. I was protecting your interests.**_

"Protecting his interests? Dude, what kind of assistant are you? You put the Ghostbusters away because you thought that they were loony. You could lose your job for that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And he did. The Mayor fires Hard-on, the Ghostbusters are released…. AGAIN! How many times are these guys going to get arrested and released in these movies? While in the meantime, Dana tries to bargain with Janosz to get Oscar back, then Janosz has a crazy proposal.**

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: Marry me, Dana. Together, we will raise Vigo as our son. You know, there are many perks in being the mother of a living god. Sure we could get you a magnificent apartment, car, free parking….**_

"You know, I have to say this, I think this is a weird plan. And I still think that this is a weird plot to a sitcom. Only it would work for Leon S. Kennedy, Claire Redfield and Sherry Birkin from _Resident Evil 2_. Leon and Claire can adopt Sherry and they can live in an apartment together. Also, what is Vigo going to do as a baby? It's gonna take several years for him to rule the world. Couldn't he just possess Janosz? Hell, I don't want to mention the 2016 _Ghostbusters_ reboot, but hell Rowan possessed Chris Hemsworth's body and unleashed ghosts throughout New York. You see? Thanks a lot movie, you made me mention _Ghostbusters 2016_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Ghostbusters try blasting their way in though the slime shell that's covering the museum, but no use because of the negative energy in the city. If only there's some way to get the positive energy. Like a symbol that could get the goodness of people.**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Something that appeals to the best in each and every one of us.**_

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler: Something good.**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Something decent.**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Something pure.**_

"Brie Larson as Captain Marvel?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not Brie Larson as Captain Marvel. Although, it sounds like an awesome idea. But anyway, they meant the Statue of Liberty. They use the positively charged slime to bring it to life and control it with an NES Advantage controller.**

"Why an NES Advantage controller? To quote the Angry Video Game Nerd: "Nintendo ruled the fucking world."." Sean said.

 **(The slime sparks as Howard Huntberry's rendition of the song** _ **Higher and Higher**_ **starts playing. The statue's torch explodes and Lady Liberty walks)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Man, I can't wait to see people's faces when we come on shore. This should really get the city's positive energy flowing, huh, Venkie?**_

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Keep kicking, Libby! You make this work, we'll pop for a weekend in Vegas with the Jolly Green Giant.**_

 **(The dock supervisor sees the Statue of Liberty walking, he couldn't believe his eyes)**

"Whoa! Lady Liberty is alive, man. This is some good shit that I'm smoking right here." Sean said, imitating Cheech Marin as if he's junked up.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Ghostbusters HQ, where we see, ugh, we see Louis trying to be a Ghostbuster. There, I said it.**

 _ **Janine Melnitz: (After helping Louis put on a Ghostbusters uniform) You look fantastic in this.**_

 _ **Louis Tully: I was born to wear this stuff.**_

 **(Louis and Tully kiss)**

"Really? Having Rick "Barney Rubble" Moranis as a Ghostbuster. What the fuck, movie? I guess Ivan Reitman was watching that episode of _The Real Ghostbusters_ with his children. You know, the episode where Janine becomes a Ghostbuster after her apartment becomes haunted and there's this demon named Proteus who captures the Ghostbusters and it's up to Janine and Slimer to save them." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Louis catching a bus and sees that Slimer is the driver)**

 _ **Louis Tully: Oh, it's you.**_

 **(Slimer beckons him in)**

 _ **Louis Tully: Okay… but I didn't know you had your license.**_

"Christ, now you're giving Paul Feig ideas for Slimer jacking the Ecto-1." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the city cheers for the Ghostbusters as they see the Statue of Liberty walking down the streets of New York. Because you gotta have something big walking down the street because the first film did it. Uh, yeah. If I see something big walking down the streets, this would be my reaction.**

"Oh look, it's the Statue of Liberty, and she's walking down the street…. HOLY SHIT! Shit! Shit! SHIT!" Sean yelled out as he runs off, acting like he's super scared by the walking Statue of Liberty.

 **(We see that the Statue of Liberty steps on a police car, crushing it)**

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Sorry! My fault!**_

"Well, there's another lawsuit for you. Great job." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back at the museum, Vigo starts to possess Baby Oscar, our heroes arrive and use Lady Liberty's torch to break through the museum's ceiling and deal with Janosz first.**

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!**_

 **(Vigo is gone, even from the painting)**

"Uh, I think Janosz has been drinking too many glasses of champagne. Can somebody hose him, please?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Hose him.**_

 **(Ray and Winston slime Janosz with the positively-charged slime)**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: One down.**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: On the ground.**_

"Oh, great. More rhymes." Sean rolled his eyes. "If you guys keep rhyming, this is going to turn into a Dr. Seuss movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dana gets tied up with a hose while Peter hides Oscar and Vigo is out of the painting. It's the Ghostbusters vs. a 16** **th** **century tyrant who lived on a mountain of skulls in a castle of pain and he sat on a throne of blood. This is going to be an awesome battle.**

 **(Venkman and Egon fire their photon beams at Vigo. Vigo deflects the beams at our heroes, immobilizing them as they fall down.)**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: That was really stupid.**_

"You think? Did you think it would be that easy?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vigo finds Oscar and attempts to possess him. But Peter has a plan to stop the evil Moldavian tyrant with Fabio's hair…. And that is doing some shit talking.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Hey, Vigo! Yeah, you! The bimbo with the baby. Anyone tell you the big shoulder look is out? You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal./Tasty pick, bonehead!**_

"Great idea, just insult the evil force with negative energy. Like that would result in anything stupid." Sean said.

 **(Vigo shoots a paralyzing beam at the Ghostbusters)**

"Oh, God! Bad Carpathian breath! Give him a Tic Tac." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before he could possess Oscar, Vigo gets foiled by the positive energy coming from the people singing Auld Lang Syne, weakening Vigo.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Vigo) Damn it! I've been foiled by the power of love!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This results in Vigo forced back into the painting and yeah, he finds a new body to possess… Ray.**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray?**_

 _ **Winston Zeddemore: Ray?!**_

 _ **Egon, Peter and Winston: Ray!**_

 **(Vigo takes over Ray's body and turns his back, revealing himself to be a deformed creature)**

 _ **Vigo: No! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the earth! Be gone, you pitiful half-men!**_

"Hmm, it's a shame that it wasn't used more in the movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ray get unpossessed and Vigo's floating head gets sent back into the painting and is destroyed while Louis attacks the weakened slime barrier and destroys it as the crowd cheers for him.**

 _ **Louis Tully: I did it!... I did it! I'm a Ghostbuster!**_

"God, you were totally pointless." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! The day is saved, Peter reunites with Dana and Baby Oscar and him and Dana share a kiss. Ray acts a little weird after getting slimed by Winston and so does Janosz.**

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: Why am I drippings with goo?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Hey, man. Let me tell you something. I love you.**_

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: Yeah?**_

 _ **Dr. Raymond Stanz: Yeah.**_

 _ **Dr. Janosz Poha: Well, I love you too.**_

 **(Ray and Janosz hug)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Community**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Senor Ben Chang (Played by Ken Jeong): Ha! Gay!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. The painting of Vigo is turned into a likeness of the Ghostbusters protecting Oscar. The credits roll and we get to hear that awesome song again.**

 **(Ray Parker Jr.'s** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **starts playing for a bit, then switches to Bobby Brown's** _ **On Our Own)**_

"Hey, hey, hey! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The credits continue to play while the song plays)  
**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You couldn't even give me the entire song? But you play a different song?**

"Oh, you half-assed sons of… Okay, to be honest, I friggin' love this song. Hell, this movie has an awesome soundtrack. So, that was _Ghostbusters II_. It's not as good as the original, but I still find it enjoyable to watch." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie got mixed reviews on the account that it wouldn't capture the magic of the first film. But does it make it a bad sequel? Hell, no. It's awesome! Like the original, it has plenty of funny moments and some spooky moments. Plus, it's great seeing the band back together. Say what you want to say about** _ **Ghostbusters II,**_ **but one thing you can't deny, it has an awesome villain. Okay, so what if it's not as good as the original but how many movies are as good as the original? The effects are better than the original. As much as I loved the visual effects done by Richard Edlund and his team in the first film, the visual effects are done by Dennis Muren and his effects team at Industrial Light and Magic, the same team who did the visual effects for** _ **Terminator 2**_ **, the** _ **Star Wars**_ **movies and the** _ **Indiana Jones**_ **movies. 1989 was a good year for movies. Hell, it came out the same time as** _ **Batman**_ **and that movie dominated the box-office. And you want to know what's ironic about that? Bill Murray was considered the role of Batman during the film's development. There were a couple of films that were competing with each other that year. Films like** _ **Back to the Future Part II, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Lethal Weapon 2, License to Kill, A Nightmare of Elm Street 5, Friday the 13**_ _ **th**_ _ **Part VIII, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, The Fly II**_ **and** _ **The Karate Kid Part III**_ **. Man, 1989 was one hell of a year! Watching** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **again, it has some similarities with** _ **The Real Ghostbusters**_ **cartoon, it feels more in line with The Real Ghostbusters than it does with the original film. I don't care what people say, I think it's a great movie. There are far way worse sequels out there and this movie does recapture the comedy and scares of the first movie. The movie's biggest crime was not being as good as the original but it doesn't make it a bad movie. Watch the movie again and you'll enjoy it. Don't listen to the popular opinion out there saying that it sucks.** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is coming in at 4 dancing toasters out of 5.**

"And that's all for Sequelitis Month. Thank Christ! I got through this month looking at crappy sequels and yet I reviewed two decent sequels. Anyway, next time on the show, I'm going to be talking about _Miami Vice_." Sean said as he ducks down for cover before bullets come flying at him.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Why am I drippings with goo?**_

 **And I'm finally finished with** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed** _ **Sequelitis Month**_ **and the sequels that I reviewed. Which one is your favorite that I reviewed? Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean starts a new segment of the show called WTHWTT?, also known as** _ **What the Hell Were They Thinking?.**_ **He takes a look at the fourth season of** _ **Miami Vice**_ **and finds out what went wrong. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If there's any movie that you want me to review, any movie or TV show from the 80s, 90s and right now, feel free to ask. I'll see you guys next time.**


	56. Episode 52: Miami Vice Season Four

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Good evening, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic starts a new segment for the show and today, he is going to talk about** _ **Miami Vice**_ **and it's fourth season. Let's see how he handles it. Here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. As I mentioned before, all material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Miami Vice**_ **is owned by Michael Mann Productions and Universal Television.**

 **Episode Fifty-Two**

 **What the Hell Were They Thinking?: Miami Vice Season Four**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said after he starts his introduction. "You know, when I watch a movie or a television show and I see something that baffles me. It makes me ponder the question: what the hell were they thinking?"

 **(We see the introduction to the new segment of the show simply titled "What the Hell Were They Thinking?" and a photo of Sean pops up with a confused look, then an angry look with him saying "What the hell was that?". Rock music serves as the BGM for this intro)**

"This is a new segment where we take a look at nostalgic movies and TV shows and find out what happened and why this is dumb." Sean said.

 **(We cut to clips from shows and movies like** _ **Batman & Robin, Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain, Halloween 5**_ **,** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven: The Series**_ **and** _ **Riverdale**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) There are some shows and movies that have some ideas that are so dumb and so stupid that I just couldn't help but talk about, which still baffles me till this day. And we're going to look at whether or not they're worth our time then and worth our time now.''**

"With that said… Um… I want to talk about _Miami Vice_." Sean said.

 **(The titles for** _ **Miami Vice**_ **are shown and the** _ **Miami Vice**_ **theme from Jan Hammer plays. Then an audience starts booing)**

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I love _Miami Vice_. I think it's still one of the best crime dramas of all time and it had an impact on contemporary police dramas, as well as the fashion and style of the 1980s." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the show are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Miami Vice**_ **was an action drama cop show that aired from 1984 to 1989. Well, 1990, counting the lost episodes. The show starred Don Johnson as Detective James "Sonny" Crockett and Philip Michael Thomas as Detective Ricardo Tubbs. The show was created by Anthony Yerkovich, the creator of** _ **Starsky & Hutch**_ **and it was produced by Michael Mann. That's right, the same Michael Mann that brought us the movies** _ **Thief, Manhunter, Collateral**_ **, the** _ **Miami Vice**_ **movie and my favorite** _ **Heat**_ **, starring Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Val Kilmer. This show revolutionized the 80s with it's music, fashion and the glitz and glamour of Miami and the show is still influential till this day. My experience with** _ **Miami Vice**_ **was watching them ragging on it on VH1's** _ **I Love the 80s**_ **and I first watched it on Sleuth back in 2006, which was** _ **Calderone's Return Parts 1**_ **and** _ **2**_ **. Right now, they're showing the show on Starz Encore Action.**

"Hell, before I turned 27 last month, I bought the complete series from Menard's for a good $29.99." Sean said as he held up his DVD set of _Miami Vice_.

 **(More clips from the show are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just at the height of the show,** _ **Miami Vice's**_ **first two seasons were pretty awesome, then after Michael Mann left in the middle of season three to work on another show called** _ **Crime Story**_ **starring Dennis Farina,** _ **Law & Order**_ **creator Dick Wolf became the executive producer for seasons three and four.**

"But we're not talking about season three today. Oh, no. Today, we're talking about season four, what people like to call it "The Don Johnson Show", or as I like to call it "What the Hell Was Dick Wolf and the Writers Smoking?"." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) When season four started, the show had undergone some notable changes, some changes aimed at recapturing the feel of seasons 1 and 2. Season 3 became grittier and nihilistic and it had a dark tone, but we'll get to the episodes later. Last season, people reacted to the darker colors of the wardrobe instead of pastels, in season 4 they went back to pastels but some of the darker styles of the third season appear regularly. Now, let's talk about the characters changes. Starting with Crockett, who's the definition of cool way before Xander McCormick from** _ **Bunk'd**_ **. We see that Crockett's hair is a bit shaggier and it gets longer later on in the season.**

"Hell, I guess he joined the Good Hair Crew." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And Tubbs. Oh, boy. What can I say about Tubbs? Uh, yeah. I didn't care for the beard. My God, Jesus. Who's bright idea was to have Ricardo Tubbs with a beard? In the shows three seasons, he didn't have a beard. So, why give him a beard now? (A picture of Ryker from** _ **Star Trek: The Next Generation**_ **and Dr. Frasier Crane from** _ **Cheers**_ **are shown) I know that some characters look awesome with beards but Tubbs looks ridiculous with a beard. Heck, in the season five episode** _ **Borrasca**_ **, Tubbs shaves his beard off and Switek says this line.**

 **(A clip from the season five episode** _ **Borrasca**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Stan Switek (Played by Michael Talbott): (To Tubbs) You look better without a beard.**_

"Yeah, Tubbs. Not everybody could pull off the beard look." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough of the changes, let's talk about the episodes and see how these stories play out. We have a few couple of episodes that were serious and dark and a few that were ripped from the headlines like one involving a televangelist played by Brian Dennehy. This episode draws from the controversy regarding televangelists as frauds like Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Oral Roberts.**

 **(A clip from the season four episode** _ **Amen… Send Money**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Reverend Billy Bob Proverb (Played by Brian Dennehy): Nobody wants to be saved by some obscure, threadbare, raggedy-butt preacher anymore, so I am forced to martyr myself on the cross of luxury!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get a few Crockett-centric episodes involving Crockett being jailed for contempt of court in order to protect a witness, Crockett accidentally shooting a child, prompting him to reconnect with his ex-wife and his son. There's also a good one where a convicted rapist is released and Trudy fears that he might come back to his victim for revenge and the woman that he raped hires a hitman from an American Mercenary magazine. While other episodes felt a little out of place, like an episode involving aliens and James Brown or a bad comedic episode involving Crockett and Tubbs trying to stop smugglers trying to steal bull semen.**

"Okay, I am going to let that sink in for a second… bull semen." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Miami Vice**_ **, a show dedicated to two coolest detectives of Miami taking on smugglers that are trying to steal bull jizz. No wonder that this season is called the "WTF season". Vice squads don't deal with bull cum and aliens! I probably think that Dick Wolf and the writers were running out of ideas and it shows. I guess they were sniffing that magic dust while coming up with these stupid ideas for the show. And then we have a story arc involving Crockett falling in love with Sheena Easton, which brings the show back to reality but then it really doesn't fit the show. We'll talk about Sheena Easton and the story arc later.**

"Come on, guys. Why am I watching a show involving aliens, frozen dead Jamaican guys and bull ball juice and Sheena Easton. Give me something serious to watch, please! I want something serious!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from the season four episode** _ **A Bullet for Crockett**_ **is shown, showing Crockett getting shot by a drug dealer's girlfriend)**

Sean stays silent for a few seconds before saying another word. "Well, shi…shit."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit. That just got dark. Crockett gets shot in an episode but then it's a clip show of Crockett's life with clips of episodes from she shows four seasons while he fights for his life.**

"But enough about me talking about the episodes, let's talk about the guest stars." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In the first three seasons, we've gotten some very notable guest stars like Ed O'Neill, Bruce Willis, Dennis Farina, William Russ, Glenn Frey, Phil Collins, Burt Young, Pam Grier, Eartha Kitt, G. Gordon Liddy, Kyra Sedgwick, Phil Collins, John Leguizamo, Liam Neeson, Bill Paxton, Wesley Snipes, Helena Bonham Carter, Viggo Mortensen, Brad Dourif, Annette Bening, Melanie Griffith, Vanity and Benicio Del Toro. Season four gave us guest stars like Stanley Tucci, Brian Dennehy, Ben Stiller, Penelope Ann Miller, Alfred "Doc Ock" Molina, Isaac Hayes, Ving Rhames, James Brown, Chris Rock, Teller, R. Lee Ermey, Harry Shearer, Chris Cooper, Julia Roberts before she made it big with the movie** _ **Pretty Woman**_ **and look who I found, Frank Stallone.**

"Can somebody let Spoony know that I have found Frank Stallone?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And remember when I said that there was a story arc involving Crockett marrying Sheena Easton? Well, that happened. In fact, in the second half of season four, Crockett ends up falling in love with a pop singer that he's protecting, and that pop singer's name is Caitlin Davies, played by Sheena Easton. Big whoop. Easton's performance on the show, well….**

"She's not that bad of an actress." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the episode** _ **Like a Hurricane**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Caitlin Davies (Played by Sheena Easton): This one's for Will. You gonna make him a star too, remember? And Rocky and Legs and everyone else you screwed over you mealy-mouthed two faced bastard.**_

"Okay, well I didn't say her acting was that good. But it's okay." Sean said.

 _ **Caitlin Davies: (Referring to Crockett's Testarossa) A woman ever driven your 'Testosterone', Crockett?**_

"Okay, I did say that her acting was okay. But it wasn't laughably bad." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the episode** _ **Love at First Sight**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Caitlin Davies: What am I going to tell them when you're out? Leave your number, he'll meet you later, sharpen your knife.**_

We then cut to Sean, who starts chuckling a bit from Sheena Easton's acting. "Okay, it's laughably bad."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look I know that Sheena Easton was a big thing back in the 80s with songs like** _ **For Your Eyes Only, Morning Train, Almost Over You**_ **and** _ **The Lover in Me**_ **and yes, I did enjoy her in** _ **All Dogs Go to Heaven 2**_ **. That's another good thing about that movie was Sheena Easton. Her character in this show was written in a particularly rushed and lazy manner. Her character has no personality and the couple shares no chemistry. I guess the reason why they got her on the show was that she was smoking hot. But hell, the only good thing from this arc was that they eventually killed her character off and then we get this awesome scene that makes Crockett a total badass.**

 **(A clip from the episode** _ **Deliver Us From Evil**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Frank Hackman (Played by Guy Boyd): (To Crockett after he points a gun at him) I sure as hell know the same way you couldn't let an innocent man be executed, that you can't shoot an unarmed man.**_

 **(Crockett then shoot and kills Hackman in cold blood)**

 _ **Detective James "Sonny" Crockett (Played by Don Johnson): Wrong.**_

"So, was season four of _Miami Vice_ a hit and a miss? Well, it's kinda both." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, it did have some good ideas and some dumb ideas. While some episodes were questioning and out of the ordinary, a few episodes were dark and serious. So, yeah. It's probably not the strongest but I don't think to call it the worst season, even though it still is and the sheen was starting to come off** _ **Miami Vice's**_ **run. But hey, season five was an improvement over season four. And I admire Dick Wolf for coming up with some good ideas for the show, even though that the choices were dumb. If you enjoyed season four, then enjoy it. If not, then skip season four. If you're new to the show, then skip the two episodes from season four involving aliens and bull splooge.**

 **(A clip from the episode** _ **Vote of Confidence**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Detective James "Sonny" Crockett: (Laughs) By God, he's got my vote.**_

"Thank you all for tuning in for my new segment of the show. Now, for the next topic, I'm going to talk about the _Top 11 Miami Vice_ episodes next. Oh, man. I am excited to share my favorites with you." Sean said until a man in a suit walks up to him and whispers something in his ear before walking away. Then his smile turned into an upsetting look when he finds out that he's going to be reviewing a movie that has plagued him for years. "I don't fucking believe it. Looks like I'm going to be reviewing _The Master of Disguise_ next. Son of a bi….!"

 **And that's all for the new segment of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed it. So, what are your thoughts about season four of** _ **Miami Vice**_ **? Did you enjoy it or did you not care for it? Next time, Sean takes a look at one of the worst comedies that have plagued him since he was a child. Turtle! And that movie is** _ **The Master of Disguise**_ **. God help him. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to request a movie for me to review, then feel free to leave me a message. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	57. Episode 53: The Master of Disguise

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean takes a look at the worst comedy ever made. And I have one word to say… TURTLE! Yeah, I'm talking about the 2002 family comedy** _ **The Master of Disguise**_ **starring** _ **SNL**_ **'s Dana Carvey. God, will Sean the Mayhem Critic survive from reviewing this movie or will he lose his mind? Here it is, the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Grab yourself a can of strawberry lemonade Sunkist, sit back and relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **The Master of Disguise**_ **is owned by Columbia Pictures, Revolution Studios and Happy Madison Productions.**

 **Episode Fifty-Three**

 **The Master of Disguise**

We open with our favorite critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting in his living room with a disgruntled look on his face. His hand is on his forehead and he starts rubbing his temples. He says nothing for a few seconds, then grabs his laptop and starts reading the reviews from critic.

" _ **The worst film ever made: a film about idiots, made by idiots, for idiots." – Alan Morrison, Empire**_

" _ **An awful, stillborn comedy." – Entertainment Weekly**_

" _ **You might want to put the shotgun in your mouth." – Peter Bradshaw, The Guardian**_

" _ **Never have so many jokes clunked off the screen to such a silent audience. And never 80 minutes seemed like such an eternity." – Jamie Russell, BBC**_

" _ **It is a travesty that this movie has 1%. I love this movie." – Edgar Madking**_

He looks at the last person's review with a "WTF" look on his face, then reads the last review again and cringes before addressing the audience.

"There is no disguise in the world that can hide how FUCKING SHITTY THIS FILM IS!" Sean snapped at the camera. "Just thinking about that movie brings my piss to a boil and just saying the name of the movie just pisses me off. You see, this is what it's called "Cinematic Suicide". A film that wants to die and tries everything in it's power to die. Today, I am gonna take a look at a movie that's gonna keep me from ripping off Dana Carvey's head and piss in his damn skull. It is a movie that have plagued me since I was a kid. With that said, the movie that I will be taking a look at is a comedy… a really bad comedy. And that movie is called, _The Master of Disgui_ …. FUCK THIS MOVIE! _THE MASTER OF DISGUISE_!"

 **(The title screen for "The Master of Disguise" is shown while the song** _ **M.A.S.T.E.R. Part 2**_ **by Play and Lil Fizz plays while clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) God kill me. The Master of Disguise was released in theaters on August 2, 2002 from our good friends up at Columbia Pictures and produced by Adam Sandler's production company Happy Madison. Because really, when you think of Happy Madison Productions, you think of hilarious films from Adam Sandler and other comedians that would be really good but really it's big thermonuclear bomb waiting to go off. The film marks the directorial debut of Perry Andelin Blake, who's a production designer for every friggin' Adam Sandler film out there and… (The poster for the 1997 film adaptation of** _ **Leave It to Beaver**_ **is shown) Oh, Christ. We'll get to that one later. The film stars Dana Carvey, who's going to be Happy Madison's newest victim to their death touch. Look, I love Dana Carvey. I thought he was hilarious in** _ **SNL**_ **. If you don't know who Dana Carvey is, then let me tell you a bit about him. He was one of the cast members on** _ **Saturday Night Live**_ **from 1986 to 1993. He's well known for his impersonations of George H.W. Bush and Ross Perot and playing hilarious characters such as The Church Lady, Hans of Hans and Franz and Garth Algar in** _ **Wayne's World**_ **and** _ **Wayne's World 2**_ **with his good friend Mike Myers. He also did a couple of movies that I enjoyed like** _ **Tough Guys**_ **starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas and** _ **Clean Slate**_ **. And then he starred in this flaming piece of dog shit.**

"Now, I know you're asking how bad is this movie. Well, it got 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, it's that bad! Hell, it's so bad that I got this pre-owned DVD for $14.99 at my neighborhood Blockbuster back in 2003 when I was 11. So, after six years, I am going to exact my vengeance on this movie. So here it is, _The Master of Disguise_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our film opens and we get our opening credits with a pop song playing while showing a flip book of different disguises. Boy, these opening credits suck. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Dana Carvey wrote this as well.**

"Okay, let me pull this out." Sean said as he pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol and sits it on the coffee table. "Continue."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After our opening credits, we start off with some background text, so the narrator reads it for the audience.**

 **Narrator: Many centuries ago, a remarkable family began to practice the magical art of disguise. Down through the ages they worked in secret, protecting the world from evil. This is their story….**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then we cut to Palermo, Italy in 1979, where we see a 2002-looking Bo Derek looking like a perfect 10.**

 **Narrator: This is my son.**

"What the hell? Bo Derek is a man?! Oh, God. That's it. I'm never watching Bolero again." Sean said as he starts cringing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, that's not Bo Derek. That's somebody disguised as Bo Derek. We're introduced to Fabbrizio Disguisey, played by James Brolin. Fabbrizio is the latest in a long line of secret agents known as "Masters of Disguise".**

 _ **Man: Fabbrizio, it's time your son is told of his destiny.**_

"Hey, his son already fulfilled his destiny. He turned half of the Marvel superheroes into dust by snapping his fingers." Sean said, referencing what Thanos did in _Avengers: Infinity War_.

 _ **Fabbrizio Disguisey (Played by James Brolin): This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, who's his son? Well, his son happens to be the main character of this movie named Pistachio Disguisey, played by Dana Carvey. And yes, that's his name. No, not Dana Carvey, I mean the character that he's playing. That's obviously a ridiculous fucking name. Then, we get an insight on his life and we see him as a kid, played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse.**

 _ **Young Pistachio (Played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse): Add just a little bit of luminol.**_

 **(He pours a lot of luminol in the copper sulfate and it explodes. We see that the explosion made him bald as the students laugh)**

"God, I hope that Lili Reinhart doesn't find out about this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Pistachio's mama Mother Disguisey, played by Edie McClurg.**

 _ **Mother Disguisey (Played by Edie McClurg): Why don't you ask your nice lady friend to come in and I'll make your corned beef ravioli.**_

"And I'll tell her that you're a righteous dude." Sean said, imitating Mother Disguisey.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey (Played by Dana Carvey): (In a bad accent) Sophia. What an unexpected surprise, love-cake**_

 _ **Sophia (Played by Maria Canals-Barrera, credited as Maria Canals): Love-cake?**_

 **Sean: (V/O) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.**

Sean gestures his hand to stop and moves it to the side. The movie rewinds and replays Sophia saying "Love-cake?".

"Okay, that was Maria Canals-Barrera from _Wizards of Waverly Place_ playing the character Sophia." Sean said before slapping himself in the face. "What?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Two, she's speaking in a bad Brooklyn accent.**

 _ **Sophia: (In a bad Brooklyn accent) I know we had some laughs at the bar last night, but you're not my type. Besides, I have a boyfriend. So don't call me, okay? I gotta go.**_

"Three, that's Theresa Russo from _Wizards of Waverly Place_." Sean said before slapping himself in the face again. "What?! I swear, if Jerry Russo is in this movie, then I'm gonna flip my shit."

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (While checking out Sophia while she's walking away and sees that she has a big ass) Yes. Something about her reminds me of my mama.**_

 **(Sophia's big ass knocks down a sign)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Oh, yes. She will be a great cook.**_

"Oh, great. Since it's a Happy Madison movie, we get a woman with a big ass joke. You know, the last film that I reviewed from Happy Madison involved deer licking shit off of some old fart. Only in a family film from Happy Madison that you see Theresa Russo with a big ass. Also." Sean said as he picks up the remote.

 **(The scene pauses and we zoom in on a shot of Sophia's big behind)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I want to take a look at that luscious bubble butt of Sophia's.**

"Oh, Theresa Russo! So hot. Want to touch the hiney." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face, then howls.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after he finishes checking out Theresa Russo's big ass, we see a boy named Barney Baker, played by Austin Wolff, skateboarding and trips over a sign. And since it's a family film from Happy Madison, Pistachio tries to charm the boy with some of his funny voices to cheer him up.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: I do for you now a scene from the hit motion picture Shrek. You ready? Okay. (Imitates Shrek) Why don't you get away from me, Donkey? (Imitates Donkey) What you talking about, "Get away from you"? I'm making waffles.**_

 **(Barney just looks at Pistachio)**

"Yeah, here's the thing about Pistachio, he's not that very bright. And seriously? Imitating Shrek and Donkey from one of my favorite animated films of all time. Hey, Mike Myers did a better movie than you, Carvey. He's funny and you're not. Oh, God! Somebody throw a knife at me! Put me out of my misery, please!" Sean yelled out as he holds his arms up in the air as his cameraman Dave throws a knife at the young critic's hand, causing him to scream in pain. "WHAT THE HELL, DAVE?! OW!"

"What? You said for somebody to throw a knife at you to kill you." Dave said.

"I meant that as a joke, you cockgoblin! Jesus!" Sean yelled out.

"Ooooh!... Okay. Sorry." Dave apologized.

"Great, you turned me into Salazar from _Resident Evil 4_." Sean said while he tends to his hand.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Here's the thing about Dana Carvey's character, Carvey seems to have the basics of comedy backwards. See, it's not funny voices and faces that make a character, it's a character that makes funny voices and faces with an over-the-top accent that I think that the cast of The Godfather would find offensive. He would find himself sleeping with the fishes with Luca Brazzi.**

 **Pistachio Disguisey: Watch and a-learn, my friend.**

"God, somebody put a hit out on Dana Carvey's career." Sean said, as he held up his bandaged right hand.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from making an ass out of himself from making voices, we see that Pistachio is a waiter and he's clumsy at his job. He's so clumsy, that he carries too many plates around without using a tray. So, the new waiter named Rex, played by Jay Johnston, causes Pistachio to trip and cover a few patrons with food.**

 **(Pistachio lands on the table after Rex trips him, he then sees a group of people sitting at a table who are covered with food.)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Picks up a napkin and starts cleaning the spaghetti-covered man's glasses) Yes, I clean. I clean. Goodbye, gooey sauce. (Picks up some parmesan cheese and starts grating cheese over the customers) Cheese? Yes, I give you cheese. Yes, nice cheese. Yes, cheese.**_

"And this is the reason why I always go to Olive Garden." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Next, he takes a Texan couple's order and when Fire Marshall Dobbins from Cheers orders spaghetti with some man-sized meatballs, Pistachio starts mimicking him and his wife.**

 _ **Texas Man (Played by Robert Machray): Am I going to fast for you?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics the Texas Man) Am I going to fast for you?**_

 **(The Texas Man gives Pistachio a look)**

 **(A clip from the** _ **Cheers**_ **season eight episode** _ **Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Fire Marshall Dobbins (Played by Robert Machray): What are you doing?**_

 _ **Texas Wife (Played by Rachel Lederman): Are you mocking my husband?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics the Texas Man's wife) Are you mocking my husband?**_

 _ **Texas Wife: 'Cause you better not be.**_

 _ **Pistaschio Disguisey: (Continues to mock the Texas Wife) 'Cause you better not be.**_

"Looks like I'm gonna have a date with Mr. Jack Daniels tonight." Sean said as he pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel whiskey. "If only they made this scene really dumb by adding a reference to Madonna."

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: But, Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep, and I'm keeping my baby.**_

 _ **Fabrizzio Disguisey: You're what?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: What?**_

"Oh, piss off with that reference to one of Madonna's songs, movie." Sean glared at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, right when he's getting some fresh air, Pistachio starts hearing some giggling and finds his lady friend Sophia making out with Rex.**

 _ **Sophia: Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for only one second, okay?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Only one second?**_

 _ **Sophia: I never wanted to go out with youse! I'm in love with Rex, okay?**_

 _ **Rex (Played by Jay Johnston): Yeah, got it?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **I Love You, Man**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Doug (Played by Thomas Lennon): It was the taste of betrayal, you fucking whore.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Pistaschio's father is taking out the trash after a long night of working at an Italian restaurant, until a bunch of hired goons…**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **season four episode** _ **Last Exit to Springfield**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Hired goons?**_

 **(Homer opens the door as two hired goons snatch him out of the house, then the first hired goon straightens his tie and closes the door)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kidnaps him and Pistachio's mother as well, while Pistachio witnesses his parents getting kidnapped, and this happens.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Ransacked! Hello? Police? In my home, it is full of ransackery. Everything different. Where? My name is Pistachio and oh, Mama's cannoli is here.**_

 _ **Operator: Don't call again.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Please, Heavenly Father, show me a sign. I promise I will never mock you again. My family is missing and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know…**_

 **(Pistachio moves his body in a dizzy style manner until he falls forward to a dissolve transition)**

"Yeah, dude. Go lie down. You need a break because being unfunny drained the life out of you. Also, one more thing." Sean said before pointing out. "You gonna eat that cannoli?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to…**

 **(A taxi cab drops off a mysterious man while** _ **The Exorcist**_ **theme plays)**

"And they make an Exorcist joke because….?" Sean asked as he throws his hands up. "Why the hell not."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, this mysterious person happens to be Grandfather Disguisey, played by the late Harold Gould. He's come to visit Pistachio and to help him get his parents back by using the family talent of disguise.**

"Can you disguise him as a funny comedian?" Sean asked.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (On his parents' kidnapping) So, I come down from the rooftop. And then I come home and there's no Mama, no Papa, just ransackery.**_

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey (Played by the late Harold Gould): Did you ask Jeeves?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Yes, but no such luck.**_

"Oh, yeah. Remember that Internet search engine called Ask Jeeves? It's now known as Ask. Where we ask Jeeves some important questions. I asked Jeeves if Dana Carvey could make a better comedy." Sean said.

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this?**_

 **(Grandfather Disguisey slaps Pistachio three times)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Yes, exactly that!**_

"Alright, here's another problem with this movie and this is a big problem, this is bad slapstick comedy and this movie does a lot. Slapstick is funny because of cause and effect. That's comedy. Also, I want to point out another thing: Dana Carvey making this dumbass smile on his face throughout the whole goddamn movie. Is he trying to be funny? Because he's not. You were on _SNL_ , shit for brains! You know better! It's like somebody pointing a gun at me and just shoots me and nobody ever having a reaction!" Sean yelled out, then turned around only to see Dave pointing a snub-nosed .38 revolver at him, ready to pull the trigger. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"What? What am I doing?" Dave asked.

"Wha.. what's with the gun? Am I going to make this joke? Do I have to look around just to make sure that you're not trying to kill me, dude?" Sean asked.

"Uh, well, you know…" Dave shrugs his shoulders.

"Get back to the camera." Sean said.

"Alright, fine. Besides, it's just a prop gun, so…" Dave said until the gun goes off, accidentally shooting Sean in the leg.

"OW! YOU MOTHER PHEIFFER!" Sean screamed out in pain. "YOU SHOT ME, YOU BASTARD!"

"Oh, wait. It is a real gun." Dave said.

"Get me to a hospital, you goddamn moron!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Pistaschio's grandfather tells Pistachio about his heritage and the history of the Disguiseys using their skills as Masters of Disguise for the betterment of mankind or some shit. Like using their powers to catch thieves, being the world's first environmentalists and helping Abraham Lincoln to help him get elected president.**

 **(After the real Abraham Lincoln leaves the stage, the fake Abraham Lincoln enters the stage to take over for the real Abraham Lincoln)**

 _ **Fake Abraham Lincoln: Let's party! Hit it, boys!**_

 **(He starts dancing as the song** _ **I Like to Move It**_ **starts playing and then the crowd starts dancing as well.)**

 _ **Fake Abraham Lincoln: Vote for me, we'll get funky this year!**_

"Why couldn't John Wilkes Booth assassinate fake Abraham Lincoln?" Sean asked. "The real Lincoln would've been alive. And were booty songs popular in the 1800s?"

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: It is time for you to find your father and mother.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: You mean, we will find my father and my mother.**_

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: Impossible. Sorry.**_

"And why should I ask like I care?" Sean asked. "Why couldn't you two just work together to help find Pistachio's mother and father? But then he gives us this bullshit reason why he can't help. Would you like to know why?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Because the ancient book of Disguiseys, (groans) which is a pop-up book, says he's not allowed.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: If a father and mother are missing, only a son who has become a Master of Disguise can save them without any direct help from the Grandfather.**_

"WHY?!" Sean yelled at the camera. "Look, unless your son has a decent amount of I.Q. and is a functionally human being, I doubt that a fucking idiot like this asshat could save his mother and father in a dangerous situation. What if he died?! Do they have to go to an orphanage and adopt a son who can fulfill this stupid rule that makes no goddamn sense whatsoever? But whatever! Fucking film sucks!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what better way for Pistachio to become a Master of Disguise is by having his Grandfather teach him everything he knows how to be a Master of Disguise with all these gidgets, gadgets and different disguises in a montage that's not funny. While all that is going on, we see that Fabbrizio is being held captive by the villain of the movie named Devlin Bowman, played strangely enough by Brent Spiner.**

 _ **Devlin Bowman (Played by Brent Spiner): Because of you, I spent 20 years in prison.**_

 _ **Fabbrizio Disguisey: What do you want?**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: I want you to drop your pizza apron become a Master of Disguise once again and help me retain the world's rarest treasures.**_

"Really? Brent Spiner a.k.a. Bob Wheeler from _Night Court_ a.k.a. Data and Lore from _Star Trek: The Next Generation_ playing the villain of the movie. Somewhere, millions of Trekkies out there are dying from the fact that Data was in this piece of shit movie. Come on! Brent Spiner deserved more than this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Devlin Bowman wants Fabbrizio to become a Master of Disguise again to steal a bunch of legendary artifacts to reestablish Bowman's smuggling ring for revenge 20 years ago and yada, yada, yada evil laughter.**

 **(Bowman gives an evil laugh for about three seconds but is abruptly stopped by a fart sound effect, then silence)**

We cut back to Sean, who starts laughing a bit from the film's fart joke. "Goddamn you, movie. You made me laugh from a fart joke that was pretty funny. Thanks a lot, movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Pistachio, we see him and his grandfather continuing their training by disguising Pistachio as an Indian.**

 **** _ **Grandfather Disguisey: Good. Who are you now?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (In an Indian accent) The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I know who I am. I am Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.**_

"Jesus, fuck!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face. "I don't know who's more politically correct: either Carlos Mencia, Ben Jabituya from _Short Circuit_ or Apu from _The Simpsons_. Am I the only one that thinks that's racist? Who the hell is this film catering to confused children?"

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Speaking in an Indian accent) That is a big reptile. Not a problem.**_

 **(Plays Kenny G's** _ **Songbird**_ **on his recorder to charm the snake)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now.**_

 **(We cut to Pistachio holding a slice of cheese over the snake)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Yeah. You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have been taking notes on the scene that I just watched." Sean said as he grabs his HP laptop with a Word document reading "KILL ME RED WEDDING STYLE!" "Yep, that about sums it up here."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Grandfather Disguisey teaches Pistachio how to fight, which means some more bad comedy, so skip that. We cut to Devlin Bowman putting his plan into action by having Fabbrizio disguise himself as Olympic athlete Michael Johnson to steal the Constitution, and then we get this.**

 **(Bowman continues to laugh for eight seconds till another fart sound comes in, he then stays silent)**

"You know, movie. You got me to laugh at the first fart joke in this godawful film. Only for that joke to be ruined again. You bastard." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back to Pistachio and his grandfather, he tells Pistachio that he needs an assistant because it's a Disguisey tradition. So, they set up a meeting to see who will be the perfect candidate to be the assistant of the Master of Disguise.**

"Can you guess what this scene will be leading up to?" Sean asked.

 **(We get a montage of Pistachio and his grandfather interviewing candidates to be the assistant while Devo's** _ **Whip It**_ **plays)**

 _ **Interview Woman (Played by Virginia Hawkins): Well, I was executive secretary for Jensen and Loeb…**_

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: Get out!**_

 _ **Interview Woman: I beg your pardon?**_

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: Out! Now!/(Cut to the next candidate) Get out./What are you doing here?/History!/(Next) Wrong! Take her away. Get out. Idiot! Get out! Freak. Get out! Freak. Get out! Freak. Out! Out!**_

"I'm sorry, but what was wrong with those applicants? There's nothing wrong with them. Oh, I don't know because the goddamn filmmakers think that a tracking shot is funny. And with all the slapstick they're using, they're shooting a gun without any ammunition. There's just no punchline to it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Barney pops up and it turns out that he has a smoking hot MILF of a mother named Jennifer Baker played by Jennifer Esposito.**

"And she's the only good thing about this film. She's smoking hot!" Sean exclaimed. "HELLOOOOOO NURSE!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they conduct an interview for Jennifer. Sure, she seems perfect and all but there one little problem: her butt is too small.**

"Really? You consider this to be a problem? What the fuck do you expect? A woman with the big ass like Gia Derza, Alexis Texas, Lexi Belle, Dani Daniels and Karlie Montana? It's like me having a problem with my girlfriend. I love her but her breasts are too small." Sean said.

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: This cat has claws. Me likey.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Me likey too. But this cat's got no Mama caboose.**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker (Played by Jennifer Esposito): You guys know I can hear you, right?**_

 **(Grandfather and Pistachio start speaking in Italian as subtitles appear on screen)**

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: (Subtitles) Should a Master of Disguise have an assistant with the "tiny butt"?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Subtitles) I agree. Unlike Mama she is "tush challenged." But she has a certain… … "special quality".**_

 **(Grandfather sneezes)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Subtitles) God bless you.**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker: (Subtitles which said "Gesundheit") God bless you.**_

"Oh, God. Why did I talk myself into reviewing this movie?" Sean asked.

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: Assistants fall in love with their Disguisey masters. Can you resist Pistachio?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Yes… (Makes a look at Jennifer) can you resist me?**_

 **(Jennifer giggles a bit while Pistachio makes a goofy look at her to see if she can resist him)**

"God, I am so glad that Jennifer Esposito has done other movies and television shows." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During their investigation, Jennifer finds a piece of evidence at the scene of the crime, it's a cigar with a Turtle Club logo on it.**

"I have a bad feeling about this. This scene is going to lead up to something really stupid and you know what: IT IS!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Jennifer finds the cigar and they see that the cigar belonged to the Turtle Club, we get the notorious Turtle Man scene. A scene that they want us to remember.**

"Back then, they used to hype the hell out of that thing back then. It was in magazines, Internet articles. Hell, it takes up space of the DVD cover. You would assume that the people who worked on the film thought it would be really funny and wanted this to be the comedic highlight of the movie by having Dana Carvey looking like what Mitch McConnell look like as a turtle. So… how did it go?" Sean asked. "Just… just watch."

 _ **Doorman (Played by Brandon Molale): May I help you? Are you a member of the Turtle Club?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (With a Kermit the Frog voice) Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?**_

 _ **Doorman: Is he okay?**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker: He's fine.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: He's fine. Turtle. Turtle. (He makes a goofy look and shrugs his shoulders so that the suit moves with him) Turtle. Turtle? Not turtle?**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker: No.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Turtle?**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker: No.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Not turtle.**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said with a worried look on his face.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Turtle./Turtle!**_

"This…" Sean said.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Terrible, terrible turtle harm.**_

"Is…" Sean said.

 **(Pistachio hides in his turtle suit)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Turtle!**_

"Fucking…" Sean said.

 **(Pistachio bites off a businessman's nose off, only to spit it back onto his face.)**

"Ridiculous. Look movie, let me be serious here and I just want to ask, did you think that this would be comedy gold? You want people to look back years later and remember that scene to be funny. Take a look at some of the comedic geniuses of our time: Abbott & Costello, Tom & Jerry, The Marx Brothers, Alfalfa from _The Little Rascals_ , Lucille Ball and Laurel & Hardy and their works. We then get Dana Carvey and Turtle. Genius, sheer genius. God, I want you to die, movie!" Sean yelled out at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Fabbrizio, we see him disguised as Jesse "The Body" Ventura and steals the Liberty Bell for Bob Wheeler.**

"While he's at it, he can give us some weird conspiracy theories about the JFK assassination, humans turning into reptilians, 9/11 and the Ape Man." Sean said.

 _ **Devlin Bowman: (After Fabbrizio removes his disguise) You should see your hair. You've got serious mask-head.**_

 **(Bowman laughs for eight seconds, then a fart sound is heard until he stays silent)**

"Joker, take it over for me." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker**_ **is shown)**

 _ **The Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): That's not funny.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we learn that Jennifer has a boyfriend named Trent, played by Mark Devine, and she introduces him to Pistachio.**

 _ **Trent (Played by Mark Devine): There he is. Heard a lot about you, Pistach.**_

 **(Trent shakes Pistachio's hand and grips it tightly, making Pistachio groan in pain)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: How are you?**_

"Okay, I bet you that this Trent guy is a douchebag boyfriend who's the jealous type and threatens the mild-mannered guy who's a nice guy. I'm calling it. I'm calling it." Sean said.

 **(Trent grabs Pistachio by his shirt)**

 _ **Trent: Lay off my lady, you freak.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: My, you are a touchy-feely guy, Trent.**_

"Called it! I frickin' called it! He's a douchebag! Why do nice, attractive women fall for guys who end up being a total douche?" Sean asked.

 **(Trent sees Barney on his skateboard)**

 _ **Trent: Saved by the uncoordinated little brat. (Let's Pistachio go) Hey, Barn. Grind that curb, buddy. Yeah!**_

 **(Barney falls into some bushes as Trent laughs)**

 _ **Barney Baker (played by Austin Wolff) : I'm okay. I'm okay.**_

"And laughing at little kids after they fall off their skateboard and calling them uncoordinated. Yeah, she needs to break up with him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's hope that Pistachio doesn't do anything stupid to piss this asshole off.**

 _ **Trent: You aren't trying to horn in on my action, aren't ya?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics Trent) You aren't trying to horn in on my action, aren't ya?**_

 _ **Trent: What?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics Trent some more) What?**_

 _ **Trent: Are you mocking me?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (Mimics Trent once more) You're mocking me?**_

 **(Trent pushes Pistachio as Survivor's Eye of the Tiger starts playing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Spy Kids**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Carmen Cortez (Played by Alexa Vega): Ooooh, shiitake mushrooms.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Pistachio tries to fight Trent… by showing off his dance moves… what?**

"Okay, this isn't funny at all. Trent, kick his ass, please." Sean said.

 **(Pistachio tries to slap Trent, but Trent grabs him by his wrist)**

"Thank you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that nonsense with Trent, Jennifer and Pistachio find some information on Devlin Bowman on a site where you can find your classmates, with a not-so subtle quote from him. So, to find Devlin Bowman, they head down to a memorabilia fair, with Pistachio disguised as a lady.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (In a British, feminine voice) I knew it was old, you fool. Let me appraise you: You're an idiot. A complete and total idiot. How does it feel?**_

"Isn't that what I said about Dana Carvey doing this movie?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Pistachio and Jennifer bump into Devlin Bowman, who happens to be at the memorabilia fair. And after recognizing Bowman, this happens.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Well, you're a tall drink of water. And I just love moisture.**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: What?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gammy. Gammy Num Num.**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: (Shakes Pistachio's hand) Devlin Bowman.**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Your desires are perfectly normal, I assure you.**_

Sean just looks at the camera with a shocked look on his face while he stays silent for a bit.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Well, guess what, Backstreet Boy? This is one Girl Scout that isn't content to be the Malcolm in your middle.**_

"Why are you doing this, man?" Brian asked Sean.

"Why? Do you want to know why? Because I'm a glutton for punishment, that's why." Sean said before looking around the room. "Sorry, just checking to make sure that my cameraman doesn't try to kill me. He already threw a knife at my hand and shot me in the leg. Boy, this review is going to be the death of me."

"Worst. Movie. Ever." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Bowman invites Jennifer to his mansion for a party. In order for Jennifer to sneak into the mansion to look for clues, Pistachio has to distract Devlin Bowman, which means it's time for him to use another disguise, this time disguised as…**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (In a Cuban accent) We're gonna party all night long. That's right. Having fun.**_

"Al Pacino from _Scarface_. Great job, Sandler. You're going to make Al Pacino a total fool out of himself with this film and _Jack and Jill_." Sean said.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Say hello to my little friend. (Pulls out a shrunken head)**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: What is that?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Don't touch. See that, my friend? That is a rare shrunken head of a tribal chieftain from the village of Constopolocolus Holiholibosis. (Makes a sprinkler noise with his lower lip moving.**_

"Okay, I have to admit I chuckled a little from this performance. I mean, it couldn't get any worse." Sean said.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Okay, now I'm going to ask you, have you got a little wiener and some tiny nuts?**_

 _ **Waiter (Played by Roger Mussenden): Sorry?**_

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked with a look on his face.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: I could tell by looking at you. (Holds up a cocktail wiener and a handful of nuts) You had a little wiener and some tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.**_

We cut back to Sean after he hears the bad joke. "I think that the movie's bad joke just killed me. Wait, let me check something."

Sean then starts checking for a pulse, then realizes that he has no pulse.

"Yep, I have no pulse. This movie just killed me." Sean said as he collapses to the floor dead, then the screen fades to black.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Arkham Knight**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): (Sighs) Well, that's what I get for betting it all on black.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, back to the story. Bowman's goons find out that Pistachio is an imposter, so he dons another disguise, this time as Robert Shaw's character from Jaws.**

 _ **Pistachio Diguisey: (Imitating Quint from Jaws) I'm talking about a great white, chief. Two ton of him. Twenty, maybe 25-footer./You ever seen a shark's eyes, chief? Kind of like dolls' eyes, all black and lifeless-like.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, he disguises himself as a pile of grass with a piece of shit for a head.**

"What a shithead." Sean said a comedic rimshot is heard in the background.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A stereotypical German guy…**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (In a German accent) Hello. My name's Constable Mueller from the Bavarian Tax Authority. Hello. I'm here looking for Ms. Jennifer Baker. She owes a substantial amount of back taxes from her time as an exchange student at the University of Heidelstrudel.**_

"Okay, does these guards even know what the fuck is up? They never realized this suspicious and obvious person running around in different disguises? What a bunch of idiots." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then he disguises himself as David Niven from a British sitcom that I haven't seen.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (In a British accent) She received a letter. Get it? Got it? Doubt it. (Clicks his tongue)**_

"Hey, we're going to make this a catchphrase for everyone to remember. Get it? Got it? Doubt it." Sean said. "You know, this line sounds so familiar. Wait a minute, that line's from the 1955 comedy _The Court Jester_ starring Danny fucking Kaye!"

 **(A clip from** _ **The Court Jester**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hubert Hawkins (Played by the late Danny Kaye): Get it?**_

 _ **Sir Ravenhurst (Played by the late Basil Rathbone): Got it.**_

 _ **Hubert Hawkins: Good.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to Pistachio and Jennifer sitting in a tavern together, discussing what Bowman is doing with his father. And oddly enough, with the two of them getting closer and closer to the villain and oh, look! How convenient? It's Jennifer's douchebag boyfriend Trent and he's with Theresa Russo from before.**

"Wow! What are the odds of seeing the two of them together at the same tavern? Did I mention that I want you to die, movie?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyways, Pistachio slaps the shit out of Trent.**

 **(We see Pistachio slapping Trent repeatedly)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He turns down the chick with the big ass and leaves with Jennifer. Can we check on what the villains are up to right now? Oh, wait. They just stole the Apollo Lunar Module with Fabbrizio disguised as Jessica Simpson.**

 _ **Fabbrizio Disguisey: (as Jessica Simpson) You're insane! (Removes his disguise) Truly insane.**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: Am I?**_

 **(Bowman laughs for a few seconds before noticing there's no fart after it and sighs in relief. He then turns to Fabbrizio to say something, but is interrupted by a fart sound effect)**

"Goddamn you, movie. That fart joke became funny again. I'm not joking, it became funny again." Sean said as he chuckled a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Pistachio escorts Jennifer home and all of a sudden, they end up revealing that they have feelings for each other. What a surprise. The hot chick falling for the klutzy guy.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Your pep talk has transformed me, my tiny butter-bottom. I mean, Jennifer.**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker: You said, "Tiny butter-bottom."**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Did I, the future mother of my babies? I mean, Jennifer?**_

 _ **Jennifer Baker: You said, "Future mother of my babies."**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Did I, fat-cat mama with the red dress on? I mean…**_

"Oh, for Christ's sake, just fuck already!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **(Jennifer kisses Pistachio)**

"Or kiss. Right, this is a PG movie for the kiddies." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after Pistachio leaves, Jennifer enters her apartment until. OH, OH! BIG PLOT TWIST! SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY DEVLIN BOWMAN! Pistachio contacts his grandfather with the magic, ancient ball and asks him for his help after running out of ideas.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Grandfather, you are a big floating head.**_

 _ **Hologram of Grandfather: I'm a prerecorded hologram. What is your question?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: I have not mustered enough Energico to overcome our enemies.**_

"Uh, question: when did Grandfather Disguisey have the time to record this message to Pistachio and transfer that message into a magic, ancient ball? And question #2, you're a prerecorded hologram. Why are you providing help? I thought you couldn't do that." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman Forever**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bruce Wayne (Played by Val Kilmer): It just raises too many questions.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Barney shows up to see Pistachio and the little kid is not phased by a giant head floating around in a bubble. He tells him that his mother's been kidnaped and he shows Pistachio the cigar left by Bowman, so they have to come up with a crazy disguise to sneak into Bowman's mansion.**

 **(Barney whispers something into Pistachio's ear)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: That's crazy. So crazy…**_

 _ **Hologram of Grandfather: It just might work!**_

 **(The hologram bubble pops as The Cuteness barks)**

"So, what is the next crazy disguise Pistachio is going to dress up as?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Pistachio decides to go full on** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **by sneaking into Bowman's mansion to save his assistant, his mama and papa and stop Bowman from auctioning off some of the world's greatest treasures on the Black Mark-eBay. And oh, look. It's Kevin Nealon.**

"Alright, Sandler. We get it! It's a movie from your production company and you like to put the people who work with you in all of your movies." Sean said.

 _ **White Collar Executive (Played by Kevin Nealon): We at Black Market-eBay has a policy of not asking how items are obtained. But in your case, I am curious.**_

"He got Catwoman to steal all of the items for him. What do you think?!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Bowman has a plan to get of Fabbrizio by putting on a mask of himself on his head and kill him pushing him off a cliff and making everyone think he's dead. Why?**

 _ **Devlin Bowman: It's called the perfect crime. Ever heard of it?**_

"No, it's called the dumbass crime. Ever heard of that?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) There are still a lot of treasures to be found and you haven't gotten yet. There's still a plethora of other treasures around the world. Why are you trying to get rid of Fabbrizio so soon? Are you trying to find the Pieces of Eden in America? Oh, Christ. This is turning into** _ **Assassin's Creed**_ **. So anyway, Pistachio infiltrates Bowman's mansion as a cherry pie.**

"I bet ya this is the only cherry pie he's popped.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He manages to find his way to Bowman and Bowman unleashes a group of ninjas to attack Pistachio. Oookay.**

 **(We see a team of ninjas charging at Pistachio, but he manages to beat them by only slapping them in the face, scaring the rest of the ninjas away)**

 _ **Devlin Bowman: Wait! Wait! Ninjas!**_

 _ **Ninja: Out of the way! Out of the way!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Are you fucking kidding me?! He does the exact same move three times and it scares them away. Just ONE MOVE!**

"I don't believe it. It's like me trying to use one move to fight off the Phantasm… wearing a tuxedo… with an axe… with a Wahlburgers hat on his head. Excuse me one second." Sean said as he pulls out an uzi and points it at Dave, who's dressed up just as Sean has described. "Try it, bitch!"

"Whoa, dude! Calm down!" Dave explains.

"You're trying to kill me, Dave. If you whack me with that axe, I'm turning you into swiss cheese. Get it? Got it? Doubt it." Sean said, clicking his tongue.

"Sorry, I just proposed to my girlfriend Bridget." Dave said.

"Oh… GET YOUR ASS BACK BEHIND THE CAMERA!" Sean yelled at Dave. "Oh, and congratulations."

"Thanks." Dave said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Bowman has another trick up his sleeve. He's glued a mask of himself onto Fabbrizio's face and brainwashed him into thinking he's the villain.**

 _ **Devlin Bowman: I was going to throw him off a cliff. Instead, I think I'll have him kill you!**_

 **(Bowman runs for the door as he leaves evilly, the fart sound effect interrupts him one-second before the last one cuts him off before he leaves)**

"I hate you, movie." Sean said. "THIS JOKE WASN'T FUNNY FOR THE FIRST TIME!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Pistachio manages to get his father back to normal by convincing him that he's now Devlin Bowman, by putting his underwear on his head… and he shakes the mask off of his face…**

"It happens." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the movie tries to wrap itself up completely by rushing through information that isn't shown. But, the story is not over yet as we cut to Costa Rica, where Devlin Bowman is hiding out at since he's got the Constitution. Look, I just want to get to the end credits and end this damn review. So, who better than to retrieve this historical document than have Pistachio disguised as the only thing he's really good at doing: imitating Bush. No, not George H.W. Bush because it would involve him vomiting on Bowman. Former president George W. Bush.**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (as George W. Bush) Now take your time. Now, I'm ready. Say, "Who's your daddy?"**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: Sir?**_

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: This is what you're doing. This is what I want you to do. Any questions.**_

 _ **Devlin Bowman: (Realizes it's Pistachio) It's you!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Pistachio knocks out Bowman with a headbutt after getting the Constitution back. Bowman falls into a pool and we get another unfunny fart joke.**

 _ **Grandfather Disguisey: Is he dead?**_

 **(A massive amount of bubbles come up and out of the pool to a farting sound effect)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Bowman, he made the stinky!**_

 _ **Grandfather, Fabbrizio and Pistachio: Who's!... Your!... Daddy!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just when you think this movie tries to kill you, the movie decides it just wants to kill our time with the credits. You know for a movie that's one hour and twelve minutes long, the filmmakers wants to give us pointless bullshit in the credits like bloopers, alternate takes and deleted scenes. Isn't it what special features on the DVD are for.**

 **(The movie's credits continue)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) God, can I go home now?**

 **(Pistachio drinks a bottle of Pepto Bismol)**

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: I like the juice. You like the juice?**_

"End! For god's sake end already!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: (as Bob Ross while painting the picture) There's a nice, cool little moustache there on the big, bald, mean guy's face. That's refreshing.**_

"End!" Sean yelled out once more.

 _ **Pistachio Disguisey: Yes, I see now. Love is thicker than your behinds.**_

"END!" Sean yelled in a demonic voice, then speaks back to normal. "Look, I'm not going to sit through the fucking credits, I'm wrapping this up!"

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie is an unfunny piece of garbage. It's one of the worst comedies of all time and it totally killed comedy! This is a disaster of comedy that I've seen in my life. Everyone in this movie have little to no humor in this movie and Dana Carvey is practically the worse one in the film. With three things: that stupid smile, that stupid accent and doing other impersonations. He should know better**

"All I could say is, if you own the movie on DVD here's what you should do with it. Burn this movie. This movie must never be seen by anyone. All copies! Destroy them. If anybody seen this movie, they have to be found and talked to. _The Master of Disguise_ get one turtle out of five. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and no more bad comedies for me." Sean said before leaving the living room until a fart sound effect is heard. "Goddamn it!"

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Turtle! Turtle!**_

 **And that's all for the review of** _ **The Master of Disguise**_ **, one of the worst comedies ever made. I hope that you all enjoyed my review of the movie. Next up, which movie do you want me to review next? Here's some of the movies.**

 _ **Road House**_ **: Sean takes a look at the manliest action movie ever made that gained a cult following and asks does it deserve to get hate from critics?**

 _ **Left Behind (2014)**_ **: Sean deals with the worst disaster Christian movie ever made, which starred Nicolas Cage and Chad Michael Murray in the reboot.**

 _ **Willow**_ **: A movie written and produced by George Lucas and directed by Ron Howard. The perfect team-up, nothing bad could ever possibly go wrong. Right?**

 _ **Batman**_ **: To celebrate the Dark Knight's 80** **th** **anniversary and the film's 30** **th** **anniversary, Sean takes a look at one of his favorite superhero movies ever.**

 _ **Marvel's The Avengers**_ **: Sean takes a look at one of the greatest movies ever made in honor of** _ **Avengers: Endgame**_ **.**

 **Which one do you want me to review next? It would be either** _ **Road House, Batman**_ **or** _ **Marvel's The Avengers**_ **. Feel free to pick which movie for me to review next. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to do a co-review on a movie with me, feel free to leave a message and I'll get back to you. I'll see you guys next time.**


	58. Episode 54: Batman '89

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. When we last left off, Sean reviewed the horrible comedy** _ **The Master of Disguise**_ **. Well, today. Sean the Mayhem Critic will be talking about one of the greatest superhero movies ever. Of course, I'm talking about Tim Burton's Batman for Batman's 80** **th** **anniversary and the movie's 30** **th** **anniversary. So, sit back, relax, grab yourself a bowl of either Batman, Joker or Harley Quinn ice cream and enjoy the new review from** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Batman**_ **is owned by Warner Bros. and DC Comics.**

 **Episode Fifty-Four**

 **Batman**

We open with everyone's favorite residential movie critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic. This time, he is seen holding a Batman action figure while he's hidden off-screen.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am vengeance, I am the night, I am Batman!" Sean said in his Kevin Conroy voice before reappearing on-screen. "Let's talk about my favorite superhero movie Batman."

 **(Footage from Tim Burton's Batman is shown while the theme by Danny Elfman plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) When this film came out in theaters on June 23, 1989. People went nuts over the film. Batman fever was everywhere. There was Batman cereal, the posters, kids went nuts over the toys. Yeah, this was before** _ **Marvel's The Avengers**_ **. The film went on to make over $400 million worldwide and over $100 million on home video. This was one of the best superhero movies that I loved. And because of the 80** **th** **anniversary of** _ **Batman**_ **, Fathom Events are re-releasing the** _ **Batman Quadrilogy**_ **in theaters next month and June marks the 30** **th** **anniversary of one of the greatest superhero movies ever. When I was a kid, I enjoyed watching** _ **Batman**_ **and it is one my favorite movies ever growing up and it still is till this day that I started watching the movie again for Batman's 80** **th** **anniversary.**

"And how well did it turn out? It was awesome!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face. "But maybe not as awesome as I remember…."

Somebody ends up throwing a batarang at Sean, missing him but hits the wall.

"Are you out of your mind?! Sean yelled out. "Look, I'm not saying that _Batman_ is a bad movie. It's held up extremely well."

 **(More clips from the film are shown while Prince's** _ **Batdance**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I'm just saying that we were extremely blown away from the film and how huge it was, we might have overlooked at some problems that we've ignored. I know something like** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **, and believe me I already reviewed that steaming pile of Bat-guano and trust me we'll get to** _ **Batman Forever**_ **in our time. But it's amazing to look at something that was released thirty years ago that was so popular and so groundbreaking that it paved the way for superhero movies.**

"So, let's grab ourselves a bowl of Batman ice cream and put on our Batman hat, this is Tim Burton's masterpiece _Batman_." Sean said.

 **(The opening credits start)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our movie opens with Danny Elfman's amazing score played over the opening credits. And have you noticed that Jack Nicholson gets top billing over Michael Keaton and Kim Basinger?**

"It's like the casting of Marlon Brando in _Superman_ and he gets top billing over Gene Hackman and Christopher Reeve." Sean said. "Huh, I wonder how well known Michael Keaton was at that time."

 **(Posters for Michael Keaton films in the 80s like** _ **Night Shift, Johnny Dangerously, Touch and Go, The Squeeze, Gung Ho, Clean and Sober, Beetlejuice, Mr. Mom**_ **and** _ **The Dream Team**_ **are shown)**

"Oh. Mostly for comedies and doing a serious drama in where he plays an addict." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I just love listening to the theme music by Danny Elfman. He's one of the people Tim Burton loves working with besides Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter and the late Christopher Lee. And look at that: "Songs Written and Performed by PRINCE." Yeah, I wondered what I've gotten myself into when I see that Prince is doing songs for a Batman movie. And trust me, we'll talk about the soundtrack later. Look, I like Prince but doing songs for a Batman movie? It's like Kanye West doing the soundtrack to** _ **The Dark Knight**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Dark Knight**_ **is shown. It's the car chase scene involving Batman and The Joker. Instead of Hans Zimmer's music score, it's replaced by the song** _ **Flashing Lights**_ **by Kanye West)**

"Dude." Brian said.

"What? It could happen." Sean said.

"How about no." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after the magnificent opening credits, which shows us that we were flying through the bat-symbol, we open up on Gotham City, which is a lovely matte painting at this time of night. We see a tourist family trying to catch a cab in Gotham City.**

"Where are these idiots from Kansas? Don't they know that it's a bitch trying to hail a cab in Gotham at this hour?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the father, played by Garrick Hagon, decides to act like Eric from** _ **That 70's Show**_ **and take a wrong turn at Albuquerque, where they're accosted by two muggers.**

 _ **Nic (Played by Christopher Fairbank): (After knocking out the father and points the gun at the mother and his son) Hey lady. Do the kid a favor, don't scream.**_

 **(Nic and his companion leave after robbing the family. The mother gives out this hilarious over the top scream, then we cut to a pencil drawing of Batman walking)**

"Okay, is it just me or does that pencil drawing of Batman look hilarious?" Sean asked, chuckling for a bit. "I know it's the visual effect to show that he's in the shadows but do they have to make it look so silly? This isn't _Pee-Wee's Big Adventure_ , Burton."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the crooks share their take of the loot until one of the muggers named Eddie, played by George Roth, fears for his life after hearing that a certain bat figure took out one of their buddies.**

 _ **Eddie (Played by George Roth): (On Johnny Gobs) Five stories straight down. There wasn't no blood in the body.**_

 _ **Nic: No shit. It was all over the pavement.**_

"Now, will you take your cut of the money and shut up about a giant bat. I want to get me some Jim Bean after this." Sean said, imitating Nic.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they get their cut of the money, they get accosted by the urban legend himself known as Batman, played by Michael Keaton, as he swoops in and…**

 **(Nic points the gun and shoots at Batman multiple times and "kills" him)**

"Well, shit." Sean said.

 **(The end credits roll)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Instead, he just kicks their asses.**

 **(Batman kicks Eddie in the chest, sending him to straight into the door. Nic tries to make a run for it but gets caught by Batman as he throws his batarang at him, tying his leg up. He pulls Nic closer and picks him up, he then holds him over the edge of the roof)**

 _ **Nic: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!**_

 _ **Batman (Played by Michael Keaton): I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.**_

 _ **Nic: What are you?**_

 _ **Batman: I'm Batman.**_

"Fun fact: Michael Keaton came up with that awesome line. Originally, the line was I am the night. But save that line for Kevin Conroy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Gotham City Democrats' Club, where Mayor Borg, played by Lee Wallace, introduces the new District Attorney named Harvey Dent, played by Lando Calrissian himself Billy Dee Williams. Dent promises to make Gotham City a better place from crime boss Carl Grissom, who owns Gotham City.**

 _ **Harvey Dent (Played by Billy Dee Williams): People of Gotham. I'm a man of few words. But those words will count, and so will my actions.**_

"Yeah, Harvey Dent was a black guy before he turned into this." Sean pointed to his right.

 **(Clips from** _ **Batman Forever**_ **is shown as we see a montage of Two-Face, this time played by Tommy Lee Jones, laughing)**

Sean stays silent for a bit and rolls his eyes in disgust. "We'll get to that one someday."

 **Sean: (Narrating) There are some people who are not happy with Dent and Commissioner Gordon's efforts in cracking down crime in Gotham, people like Grissom's second-in-command Jack Napier, played brilliantly by Jack Nicholson. We see him and a smoking hot blonde named Alicia, played by Jerry Hall, are watching Harvey Dent on television.**

 _ **Jack Napier (Played by Jack Nicholson): Decent people shouldn't live here. They'd be happier someplace else.**_

 _ **Alicia Hunt (Played by Jerry Hall): Pretty tough talk about Carl.**_

 _ **Jack Napier: Don't worry about it.**_

"Another fun fact: originally Tim Burton wanted Brad Dourif to play as The Joker. Can you imagine Brad Dourif as The Joker?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jack Napier: (With Chucky's voice) I've got a date with a six-year-old boy.**_

Sean stays silent with a shocked expression on his face before speaking up. "I'm so glad that they made the right decision with Jack."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Here's the thing about Jack Napier, he's boinking Grissom's mistress. Damn, Jack Nicholson can be so damn cool while being so damn arrogant.**

 _ **Alicia Hunt: (While Jack is checking himself out in the mirror) You look fine.**_

 _ **Jack Napier: (Turns to Alicia) I didn't ask.**_

 **(Jack looks down and he sees Alicia's hand on her shoulder as she moves it away)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Back to the Future Part III**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the GCPD, where we see Lieutenant Max Eckhardt, played by our good old friend William Hootkins, is on the scene of the sighting of Batman until a reporter Alexander Knox, played by Robert Wuhl, who's searching for the truth about this mysterious Batman, much to Eckhardt's dismay.**

 _ **Lt. Max Eckhardt (Played by the late William Hootkins): Don't be writing this stuff in the newspaper, Knox. It will ruin your already useless reputation.**_

 _ **Alexander Knox (Played by Robert Wuhl): Lieutenant, every punk in this town is scared stiff. You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say…**_

 _ **Lt. Max Eckhardt: I say you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, uh. You can quote me on that. (Flicks his cigar at Knox)**_

"Well, the Gotham Police are really supportive." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Eckhardt walks away from the crime scene, only to meet with Jack Napier. Okay, so you have evil people setting up a meeting with a crooked cop a mere two blocks from a recent crime scene. Way to pick the meeting place, you morons. Did I mention that Lt. Eckhardt is corrupt and that he's helping Napier.**

 _ **Jack Napier: Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.**_

 _ **Lt. Max Eckhardt: Why don't you broadcast it?**_

 _ **Jack Napier: Shut up and listen. Harvey Dent has been sniffing around one of our front companies.**_

 **(We see that Napier gave Eckhardt some money, with two slices of bread sandwiched in between it)**

"Wait a minute. I asked for corned beef on marble rye. This isn't what I asked for, Jack." Sean said, imitating Lt. Eckhardt.

 _ **Jack Napier: Why, Eckhardt, you ought to think about the future.**_

 _ **Lt. Max Eckhardt: You mean when you run the show? You ain't got no future, Jack. You're an A-1 nut boy, and Grissom knows it.**_

 **(Napier pushes Lt. Eckhardt against a wall. Eckhardt pulls out his revolver while Bob the Goon pulls out his pistol and points it at him)**

 _ **Jack Napier: Better be sure.**_

 **(Eckhardt puts his gun away)**

 _ **Jack Napier: See, you can make a good decision when you try.**_

 **(Jack grins at Eckhardt and chuckles before walking away)**

 _ **Lt. Max Eckhardt: Where you been spending your nights?**_

"At home, sleeping peacefully in bed with Grissom's wife… I mean, alone in bed. In my king size bed with no one in it with me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Knox heads to work with the other journalists not taking him seriously about his story about Batman, someone takes him seriously.**

 **(Knox sees a woman sitting at his desk, reading the newspaper)**

 _ **Alexander Knox: Hello, legs.**_

"Helloooooooooooo, nurse!" Sean said loudly, with a naughty smirk on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to photojournalist Vicki Vale, played by Kim Basinger, and the two of them start investigating the rumors of the vigilante known as Batman.**

 _ **Vicki Vale (Played by Kim Basinger): My pictures, your words. Pulitzer Prize material. Just think…**_

 _ **Alexander Knox: Okay, you're a visionary. You're also the only one who believes me. I need something tangible. Gordon's got a file on this. I can't even get him on the phone.**_

"How about going to a party that he's going to that a certain billionaire playboy is throwing?" Sean asked. "I'm just saying."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we cut to Grissom's penthouse, where we're introduced to Carl Grissom played by the late Jack Palance, who will play another villain in** _ **Tango & Cash **_**the same year after Batman. He's pissed off because Harvey Dent is cracking down on crime bosses because of his ties with Axis Chemicals. So in order to get rid of any connections to him with Axis Chemicals, he sends Jack…**

 _ **Jack Napier: Me?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you. To handle the operation.**

 _ **Carl Grissom (Played by the late Jack Palance): (Sees Alicia stepping out of the elevator) Hello, sweetheart. I wonder if you'd mind waiting in the next room?**_

"Wait a minute. She's married to him. That old geezer? She's married to him. He's like fucking 70 years old! And she's like 33. What is it with her and old guys? I mean, Jerry Hall's married to Rupert Murdoch and he's like 88. And he's the chairman of Fox. Before Disney took over." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's not like he knows that Jack is sleeping with his mistress and do something like double crossing him…**

 _ **Carl Grissom: My friend, your luck is about to change.**_

 **(Grissom picks up the phone and calls the GCPD)**

 _ **Operator: Police department.**_

 _ **Carl Grissom: Get me Lieutenant Eckhardt.**_

"Yep, he knows. Mobsters. They tend to find out. That reminds me, what happen to my cameraman Dave?" Sean asked.

"Don't worry about him. He's taking a long vacation." A mobster named Tony Pajamas said, who's seen sitting next to Sean while he's reading a newspaper. "Boy, the Cincinnati Reds got their asses kicked by the Padres."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Wayne Manor, where we see that a fundraiser for the bicentennial is being held. Vicki and Knox are at the fundraiser where they hope to get a quote from Commissioner Gordon, played by the late Pat Hingle, that is until they meet billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne.**

 _ **Alexander Knox: Who are you?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Oh, sorry. Bruce Wayne.**_

 _ **Alexander Knox: Alexander Knox.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Hi. Oh, I read your work. I like it. I like it a lot.**_

 _ **Alexander Knox: Oh, thanks. Can I have a grant? (Chuckles)**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: Vicki Vale.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Hi. Bruce Wayne.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: Are you sure?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Yeah, this time.**_

"Alright, it's interesting for us to think how controversial this casting choice was at the time. Today, we all know Michael Keaton as one of the best Batmans ever. But when they cast him for the role of Batman/Bruce Wayne and people heard that he was going to be playing Batman, people petitioned for him not to play as Batman and they were banning the film and feared that it will be campy like the 1960s Adam West show. So, Warner Bros. whipped out a quick teaser trailer to prove to people that this is a dark and serious film. And while we're on the subject of casting Michael Keaton as Batman, here's a list of actors who auditioned for the role of Batman." Sean said as he pulls out a list of actors who auditioned for the role of Batman. There was Bill Murray, Dennis Quaid, Tom Selleck, Mel Gibson, who turned it down just so he could star in Lethal Weapon 2. There's also Tom Hanks, Charlie Sheen, Kurt Russell, Al Pacino, Patrick Swayze, Kevin Spacey, Nicolas Cage, Alec Baldwin, Rick Moranis, Sean Penn, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Gere, Ray Liotta, John Travolta, Matthew Broderick. Yeah, I don't think Ferris Bueller would be right for the part."

 **Sean: (Narrating) However, the meeting is cut short when Alfred, played by the late Michael Gough, tells Bruce that Commissioner Gordon left the fundraiser due to police business, so he heads down to the Batcave and watches footage of the police officer telling Gordon that Napier is cleaning out Axis Chemicals. Speaking of Axis Chemicals, Lt. Eckhardt and the GCPD arrive at the scene to kill Napier and Napier learns that he's been double crossed. Then, a shootout occurs between the GCPD and the mob. But Grissom's plan is foiled when Commissioner Gordon arrives.**

 _ **Commissioner James Gordon (Played by Pat Hingle): What the hell's going on?**_

 _ **Lt. Max Eckhardt: Christ. What are you trying to do, blow the collar?**_

 _ **Commissioner James Gordon: I'm in charge here, not Carl Grissom. (Takes the bullhorn from out of Eckhardt's hand) This is Commissioner Gordon. I want him taken alive. I repeat, any man who opens fire on Jack Napier will answer to me.**_

 **(Eckhardt walks away as Commissioner Gordon tries to return the bullhorn to him and sees that he's gone)**

"Really? You didn't notice that he's doing something suspicious when he walked away from you. What kind of police commissioner are you?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the shootout, Batman arrives and takes out some of Napier's men.**

 **(Two of Napier's henchmen shoot at Batman. Batman pulls out his grapple and shoot at one of the henchmen, yanking him over the railing and hooking him on while he's hanging)**

 _ **Henchman: Let me down! Let me down! Let me down!**_

 _ **Commissioner James Gordon: Oh, my God**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Freakazoid**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Military Commander: Oh, my…**_

 **(The room explodes to a flashing bright light)**

 **(One of Napier's henchmen shoot at the police. He gets away but gets knocked out by Batman)**

"Okay, that was pretty awesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Jack tries to make his escape, he attempts to kill Commissioner Gordon. But Batman swoops in and saves Commissioner Gordon's life and intimidate Jack, until Gordon gets held at gunpoint forcing Batman to let Jack go. So, right before they escape, Napier has some parting words for Eckhardt.**

 _ **Jack Napier: Eckhardt…**_

 **(Eckhardt turns and sees Napier)**

 _ **Jack Napier: Think about the future.**_

 **(Jack shoots and kills Eckhardt. Jack gets ready to make his escape as Batman appears)**

"Where the hell were you, Batman? Did you just watch Jack Napier kill that guy? I know that the cop was dirty but still, you could've saved his life." Sean said.

 **(Napier sees Batman and shoots at him. Batman deflects the bullet with his metal reinforced gauntlet, sending it back into Napier's face, tearing it open. Napier reels from the pain and falls over a railing as Batman tries to save him)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Tim Burton and talks about Jack's facial wounds) Okay, can somebody tell Jack to wipe the strawberry jam from off of his face?**

 **(Jack falls into a vat of chemicals)**

 _ **Commissioner Gordon: Goddamn it, we had him. (Sees Batman) Hold it right there!**_

 **(Batman turns to his left and his right as he sees that the cops are coming to arrest him)**

"Uh… I'm Batman!" Sean said in his Kevin Conroy voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Batman escapes and we see Napier's hand emerging from the chemicals. The next day, Bruce invites Vicki over to his mansion for a meal and they have an awkward dinner by eating some soup that Alfred has prepared for them and I have to say that I tend to laugh every time I watch this scene.**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: How's the soup?**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: Excuse me?**_

 **(We see that sitting on opposite ends of the long dining room table)**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: The soup. How is it?**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: It's great. Could you pass the salt?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Sure.**_

 **(He grabs the salt and walks down to the other end of the dining room table to where Vicki is sitting and passes her the salt)**

 _ **Vicki Vale: Thanks.**_

"Soup. Really?" Brian asked.

"Okay. Maybe the soup is just an appetizer. They haven't had the main course yet." Sean said. "And who puts salt in soup? It doesn't need any salt."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bruce ends up falling in love with Vicki and she ends up spending the night with him. Meanwhile, Jack Napier resurfaces, but is left with chalk white skin, green hair and a creepy ass grin. So, he settles the score with his old boss Grissom.**

 _ **Carl Grissom: Jack. Thank God you're alive. I heard you'd been…**_

 _ **Joker: Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up over a woman. A woman!**_

"I'm… acting!" Sean yelled, imitating The Joker.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Grissom pleads for his life and asks Jackie Boy if they can cut a deal. So, Jack reveals himself in one of the best Batman villain introductions ever.**

 _ **The Joker: You can call me, "Joker". (Points his revolver at Grissom) And as you can see, I'm a lot happier. (Laughs)**_

 **(Joker starts gunning down Grissom, then starts shooting all over the place while laughing)**

 _ **Joker: (Laughs) What a day.**_

"I'll have what he's having." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at Wayne Manor, we see that Bruce has given Vicki his bat-boner. Don't worry, the movie's aimed for a PG-13 rating, so there's no nudity.**

"If you want to see Kim Basinger naked, watch _The Getaway_ or _9 ½ Weeks_ , you dirty perverts." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Vicki wakes up in bed and she sees Bruce hanging upside down like a bat in the same room!**

"Why would you do this shit in front of a beautiful blonde that you just had sex with?! Jesus! You live in a goddamn mansion. Go find a different room to this shit in, you idiot!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Shut up.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, The Joker takes over Grissom's crime empire and reads a newspaper article about Batman, which leads to one of the best lines ever that it has been reference in an episode of** _ **According to Jim**_ **.**

 _ **Joker: Wait till they get a load of me.**_

"Okay, I forgot how awesome Jack Nicholson was in this movie. As much as I love Mark Hamill's Joker and Heath Ledger's Joker, Jack Nicholson was one of the best Jokers out there. I still say Mark Hamill is the best Joker ever." Sean said as the audience start booing at him. "Yeah, I said it! What?! What?! You want some of this? You wanna gets nuts?! Come on, let's get nuts!"

 _ **Eddie: No, man. That ain't what I heard.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Joker meets up with Grissom's associates and announces that running the whole show now.**

 _ **Vinnie Ricorso (Played by the late John Dair): Why don't we hear this from Grissom?**_

 _ **Rotelli (Played by Edwin Craig): Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin?**_

"I just heard the song _Dick In a Box_ for the first time and seeing your stupid polka dot tie." Sean said, imitating Joker.

 _ **Rotelli: What if we said no?**_

 _ **Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. If we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands, and that'll be it.**_

 _ **Rotelli: Yeah?**_

 _ **Joker: Yeah.**_

 **(Rotelli shakes The Joker's hands and starts to get electrocuted with The Joker's joy buzzer)**

 _ **Joker: Whoo! Whoo! Oh, I got a live one here.**_

 **(Joker laughs hysterically as Rotelli catches fire)**

 _ **Joker: (Singing) Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.**_

 **(The Joker drops Rotelli into his seat and we see his charred corpse)**

"What a hothead." Sean said as an audience boos at him from his bad joke. "Get it? He got fried and he's a hothead. Yeah, fuck you too."

 _ **Alexander Knox: What a dick.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The other crime bosses leave as Joker gives orders his number one guy Bob the Goon, played by Tracey Walter, to go down to the Globe and follow Knox to find out what he knows about Batman.**

"Why I am I mentioning Bob the Goon right now? He's the best character in the movie." Sean said.

 **(We cut to a montage of Bob the Goon scenes from the movie as the** _ **Gotham City Streets**_ **music from the Sega Genesis version of B** _ **atman**_ **is played in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Man, I fucking love Bob. He's the henchman that doesn't say anything, do anything and yet he leaves an impression on us. The dude is like Boba Fett and hell, he got his own action figure. Why? Why does he have his own action figure? Because he's fucking Bob, that's why!**

"Bob, you… are my number one guy." Sean said, imitating Joker.

 _ **Bob the Goon (Played by Tracey Walter): Yes, sir.**_

 **(Bob puts on his sunglasses and leaves)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. Tracey Walter voiced the character Mophir in the cartoon** _ **Justice League**_ **and the Puppet King in** _ **Teen Titans**_ **. Back at the Globe, Knox hands Vicki a file on Bruce Wayne and he's worried about her and trying to find out about Bruce Wayne. So, she ends up following Bruce into the city. Really? Lady, I don't know how long you've been in the journalism game but it's Bruce fucking Wayne. This is like someone on CNN not knowing who Richard Branson is. The guy probably has a file this huge like Hiram Lodge. We cut to City Hall, where Bruce sees Grissom's associates talking to a bunch of reporters while he's being followed by Vicki who is being followed by Bob.**

 _ **Alexander Knox: I smell fresh ink, guys. Now, you can prove all this? What am I asking? Of course you can.**_

 _ **Lawyer (Played by Sam Douglas): We have witnesses. Grissom's signature is perfectly legitimate.**_

 **(The Joker, who's dressed as a mime, steps up to Ricorso)**

 _ **Joker: It is legitimate. I saw it. I was there. I saw it all. He reached up with his dead hand and signed it in his own blood. And he did it with this pen. (He holds up a feather quill) Hello, Vinnie. It's your uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check.**_

 **(The Joker throws the feather quill into Ricorso's throat, killing him. Then takes off his hat)**

 _ **Joker: The pen is truly mightier than the sword.**_

"Wait, hold on. I doubt that you could kill somebody with a feather because it's a least bit aerodynamic and I seriously doubt that you could build up enough force to break the skin and penetrate deep enough just to kill the person." Sean said, then sighs. "I can't believe I'm going to do this. Play the clip."

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman Forever**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bruce Wayne (Played by Val Kilmer): It just raises too many questions.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker eliminates the crime bosses as Bruce recognizes The Joker. During the shootout, Bruce gets shot in the shoulder… and it doesn't even phase him. Really?**

"Come on, dude! At least scream in pain when you get shot. I guess it doesn't hurt because he's Batman. He's been shot at many times." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Batman, Batman Returns, Batman The Animated Series, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Batman Forever**_ **and** _ **Superman: The Animated Series**_ **are shown, showing a montage of people shooting at Batman)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bruce returns to Wayne Manor and tells Alfred that he just found out that Jack Napier is still alive and he's running Grissom's men, so he needs some information that the police have on him and Bruce tells Alfred what he thinks about Vicki.**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Alfred. She is great, isn't she?**_

 _ **Alfred Pennyworth (Played by the late Michael Gough) Yes, sir.**_

"Oh yeah, oh yeah. I want to bust that body. Ooh yeah, ooh yeah. I want to bust that body right." Sean sings a line from Prince's _Batdance_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with The Joker, Bob arrives with some photographs that he's been taking and immediately he gets smitten by Vicki after he sees a photo of her.**

 _ **Joker: Stop the press. Who is that?**_

 _ **Bob the Goon: That's Vicki Vale. She's the photographer who's working with Knox.**_

 _ **Joker: Now, that girl has style. A lovely beast like that running around could put steam in a man's strides.**_

 _ **Bob the Goon: She's dating some guy named Wayne.**_

 _ **Joker: She's about to trade up.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And immediately, he starts getting obsessed with her.**

"Look, I know what happened to Rebecca Schaeffer was tragic and all but this was before she died in July of '89. This movie came out in June of '89." Sean said.

"Dude, you had to bring that up?" Brian asked.

"Never forget, Brian! Never forget." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a news break from Gotham's very own Action News, where there's a news report about the sudden deaths of two models who suffered an allergic reaction to something. Maybe they were on G from** _ **Riverdale**_ **or some shit. Then, this happens.**

 _ **Anchorman (Played by Bruce McGuire): This just in. Three mysterious deaths at a beauty parlor in…**_

 **(Becky the anchorwoman, played by Kit Hollerbach, starts laughing a bit, then stops laughing)**

"I'm sorry, I was laughing from an episode of _American Housewife_ that I was watching last night. Oh, Kathryn letting Anna-Kat watch _Sausage Party_." Sean laughs, imitating the character Becky.

 **(Becky starts having a laughing fit on air)**

 _ **TV Director (Played by Richard Durden): Barry, what the hell's going on?**_

 _ **Anchorman: Becky, this is hardly the…**_

 **(Becky keeps laughing until she falls out of her chair)**

 _ **Anchorman: Becky.**_

 _ **TV Director: Kill the camera.**_

"Boy, the new episode of _Murphy Brown_ must be a killer with the audience." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, that was the Joker hijacking the airwaves to announce his new and improved Joker products in a hilarious commercial. What's Joker products? Well, Joker's laced some hygiene products with some "Smilex", a deadly chemical which causes victims to die laughing, resulting in…**

 **(We see Becky, who's died laughing, with the same maniacal grin as the Joker)**

"Okay, I don't know who's creepy. Her after she dies laughing or seeing that creepy-ass smile on Salvatore Valestra's corpse from _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_." Sean said as he looks at the camera with a horrified look on his face after he realizes what's going to happen. "No! No! Don't show the foot…"

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown. We see Salvatore Valestra's corpse with a creepy grin on his face)**

We cut back to Sean, who's ducked down in fear from what just happened, holding up a hand and points. "LET'S MOVE ON!"

 _ **Jack Napier: Jesus!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Gotham learns about the cosmetics scare from the Jokser's deadly weapon, resulting in…**

 **(Sean sees the reporters not wearing any makeup and starts screaming. We see the anchorman without any makeup on him and we can see two pimples on his face)**

"Okay, this Ultra 4K HD on my Xbox One X is getting way too detailed." Sean said, covering his eyes.

 **(A clip from** _ **Grandma Mary**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Grandma Mary: Bitch, I… you the one ugly!**_

 _ **Woman: Who ugly?**_

 _ **Grandma Mary: You! Nappy-head fucker!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Vicki heads down to Gotham's prestigious Flugelheim Museum, where she's meeting Bruce Wayne, but this turns out to be a trick from the Joker as he knocks everybody out with knockout gas.**

 **(Vicki puts on the gas mask while everybody gets knocked out by knockout gas)**

"You know, getting a reservation for the Flugelheim Museum is a bitch, but the food is certainly to die for." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker comes in with his goons and crashes the party, in one of my favorite scenes ever.**

 **Joker: Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lawrence.**

 **(Lawrence starts playing some music on his boom box. The song** _ **Partyma**_ **n by Prince starts playing throughout the scene while the Joker's men start trashing the place)**

 _ **Joker: (To one of his goons after he sees a painting of Abraham Lincoln) Give him a shave. Terence, brush.**_

 **(Another one of his goons named Terence hands Joker a paintbrush as he walks over to the painting and defacing it by writing down "Joker was here!")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, as much as I like Prince and trust me, I have a mother who's a big Prince fan. Even though the songs I like from the film were** _ **Batdance, Partyman**_ **and** _ **Scandalous**_ **, but the Prince soundtrack seemed a bit dated. I know that the producers Jon Peters and Peter Guber and Tim Burton wanted to boost the movie's popularity and help the marketing but really? I love 80s music and all but these tracks sound pretty dated now. I know it was cutting edge back then like having Toto do the music for** _ **Dune**_ **and Queen doing songs for** _ **Highlander**_ **. Anyway, this song** _ **Partyman**_ **fits perfectly for this scene.**

"Time for another fun bat fact. Well, how about three? First, Tim Burton disliked the Prince songs, they were producer Jon Peters' idea. Second, Jack Nicholson admitted that this scene and this scene only made him uneasy because he's an art lover. And three: George Michael and Michael Jackson were originally contributed to do songs for the movie. Now that I think about it, can you imagine one of Michael Jackson's songs playing throughout this scene?" Sean asked.

 **(The scene where the Joker and his men start defacing painting at the museum is shown, instead of Prince's** _ **Partyman**_ **playing, Michael Jackson's** _ **Bad**_ **starts playing)**

We cut back to Sean, who's dressed as Michael Jackson from the _Bad_ music video and dancing like him. Right when he starts yelling like Michael Jackson, the wind starts blowing, knocking the young critic down.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After trashing the joint, the Joker tries to charm Vicki by checking out the photos that she took.**

 _ **Joker: (While checking out her portfolio) Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas**_ **is shown)**

 _ **The Grinch (Played by Jim Carrey): (Looking into a phone book) Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY!**_

 _ **Joker: Let me tell you what I'm thinking about, sweetie. I was in the bath one day when I realized why I was destined for greatness.**_

"Uh… oooookay." Sean said. "How did that happen?"

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean is seen sitting in the bathtub, sighing while relaxing. He then opens his eyes and sits up as he realizes something)**

 **Sean: I'm destined for greatness. (Smiles)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Joker: I make art until someone dies. See? (Laughs) I am the world's first fully functioning homicidal artist.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: What do you want?**_

 _ **Joker: My face on the $1 bill.**_

"Oh, we'll get to that one soon. Trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While talking to Vicki, he shows her his latest piece of art. Which is his mistress Alicia and her scarred face, hence why she's wearing the mask. Joker asks Vicki about what she knows about Batman and terrorizes her.**

 **(Vicki throws some water on the Joker's face. Joker covers his face and screams)**

 _ **Joker: (Screams) Help me! Oh! I'm melting! I'm melting! Help me! I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm melting!**_

 **(Joker turns around, his makeup coming off, revealing his pale white skin as Vicki screams)**

 _ **Joker: Boo! (Laughs)**_

 **(Batman comes crashing down from the skylight)**

"Something looks a little off here." Sean said as he picks up his DVD remote, rewinding to the part where Batman comes crashing in through the skylight and pauses as he notices a wire lowering him down. "Well, I see that Batman has his own stunt team lowering him in on a wire. Is this movie going to have crappy effects like _Superman IV_?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman and Vicki escape in the Batmobile while the Joker's men give chase.**

 **(While chasing the Batmobile, the Joker's men start shooting wildly and up in the air)**

"Really? That's a waste of ammo and dumbasses are shooting all over the place. Are you guys trying to hit any birds out flying at night?" Sean asked.

 **(We see the Joker's men shoot up in the air while we hear Sean making bird sounds)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then it turns into the car chase from The Blues Brothers.**

 **(The Joker's goons crash into some cars, causing a multi car pile up. A produce truck crashes into another car, causing a bunch of cabbages to fall off)**

 **(A sound bit from** _ **Avatar: The Last Airbender**_ **plays)**

 _ **The Cabbage Merchant: (V/O) My cabbages!**_

 **(More cars continue to crash)**

 **(A sound bit from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **plays)**

 _ **Fred the Fish: (V/O) My leg!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Batmobile gets blocked off, so our heroes escape on foot until the Joker's men catch up with them.**

 **(Vicki screams as she sees the Joker's goons driving up on her and Batman)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or does Vicki Vale scream a lot in this movie.**

 **(A montage of Vicki Vale screaming is shown)**

"Jesus! Damsel in distress much, lady? I got a feeling that she's gonna make me go deaf. I'm lucky that I didn't start a drinking game for this one on how many time Vicki Vale screams throughout the movie." Sean said.

 **(A picture of Vicki Vale from** _ **Batman '89**_ **and Vicki Vale from** _ **Batman: Arkham City**_ **pop up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, Vicki Vale in Batman: Arkham City didn't scream a lot while she was getting shot at by the Joker's goons. She toughed it out.**

"In this one, she…" Sean said.

 **(We see Vicki Vale screaming)**

"Taking a page from Willie Scott in _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_." Sean said.

 **(A clips from** _ **Batman**_ **and** _ **Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom**_ **play back to back, showing Vicki Vale and Willie Scott screaming. Then, a clip from** _ **The Ren & Stimpy**_ **Show is shown)**

 _ **Brown Yak: SHUT UP! I can't STAND it anymore!**_

"To be fair, she's fearing for her life." Brian pointed out.

"Yeah, I'm about to become deaf because of her." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Batman starts beating up on the Joker's goons while Vicki starts taking photos.**

 **(Batman begins to fight the Joker's goons while Vicki takes pictures. Then, one of the goons appear and he's armed with two swords. He yells and starts swinging his swords around.**

"Really, dude? Are you going to act like that guy from _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ and show off like a moron?" Sean asked.

 **(The goon starts running at Batman while swinging his swords until Batman kicks him)**

"Thank you, Batman." Sean said.

 **(Bob the Goon pops up armed with a knife. Batman beckons him to fight him, but instead Bob drops the knife and runs away)**

 **(A sound clip from** _ **South Park: The Stick of Truth**_ **plays)**

 _ **New Kid: (V/O) Screw you, guys. I'm going home.**_

"And to complete the superhero formula, you got to have a scene where the superhero uses his powers around his romantic interests. Here's the thing: Batman doesn't have any superpowers and well, the Batmobile becomes the superpower and Vicki Vale isn't exactly enjoying a romantic moment, she's not sure about this guy and she thinks that he might be crazy like the Joker. Coming up right now, is one of the most awesome and most memorable sequences ever. I'm just going to shut up and let this scene play through. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the awesomness of Danny Elfman and Tim Burton." Sean said.

 **(The scene is shown while the track** _ **Descent Into Mystery**_ **plays. We see Batman driving the Batmobile through the woods. Batman is driving while Vicki turns to him)**

 _ **Vicki Vale: Where are we going?**_

 **(Batman stays silent)**

 **(Batman continues to drive and speeds up. Vicki turns to Batman and tries to look into his eyes. Batman shines a light at Vicki, keeping her from looking at him. The music score builds up to a big crescendo as Vicki looks and screams right when the Batmobile drives through a wall, taking her to the Batcave. We then see the words "FUCKING AWESOME!" on the screen)**

"My God! This scene kicks ass! Look at the way the visuals and the music come together in this scene. This deserves eight batarangs on the awesomeness meter." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman takes Vicki into the Batcave and gives her the information from his research on Smylex that will allow the citizens to avoid exposure to the toxin. But Vicki doesn't know for sure if she can trust this man who might be dangerous as the Joker.**

 _ **Batman: He's psychotic.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: Some people say the same thing about you.**_

 _ **Batman: What people?**_

"The people who protested about you playing Batman." Sean said.

 _ **Vicki Vale: Why did you bring me here? I mean, you could have sent that stuff to the press yourself.**_

 _ **Batman: You're right. There is something else you have that I want.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: What?**_

 **(Batman throws his cape around Vicki, then we see a bunch of bats flying. Then, we cut to Vicki Vale's apartment, where we see Vicki laying in bed. She wakes up and grasps at her chest, realizing that he took the film)**

 _ **Vicki Vale: He took the film.**_

"Uh, I'm not sure but I think that Batman copped a feel while trying to get the film from Vicki. I bet you he did. He was trying to grab the film but instead he grabbed himself some boobies. That's what he did." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Batman) Let's see here. Where's the film? I know you have the film somewhere. Where is it? Where is it? I got it! Wait, that's not it. Oooh, nice. I'm Batman.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Batman cracks code, Bruce goes to visit Vicki to tell her the truth, but she's a bit livid.**

 _ **Vicki Vale: I don't know who you think you are. You hurt me.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: I know. Look…**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: I called you, and I called you.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: I know.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: And you lied. You lied to me about leaving town.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Well, let me tell you why.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: Let me tell you! You invited me out. We went to dinner. I thought we felt something.**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Right, well, if you give me a chance to explain…**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: I trusted you. And I even slept with you. I can't believe I did that. And then you wouldn't return my calls. You must be some kind of jerk.**_

"Well, if you would kindly shut up and let him explain." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Bruce is getting ready to tell Vicki to tell her the truth, the Joker arrives and interrupts their meeting and Bruce, knowing who he is decides to confront him without the batsuit.**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?**_

 **(Joker shakes his head)**

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Well… he made mistakes. Then he had his—(Breaks a vase with a firepoker and yells) His lights out! Now, you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.**_

"All of a sudden, he turns into fucking Beetlejuice." Sean said.

 _ **Bruce Wayne: Now, you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Beetlejuice**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Beetlejuice (Played by Michael Keaton): You bunch of losers! You're working with a professional here!**_

"Nice fuckin' vase!" Sean yelled and grabbed his crotch as a honking noise is heard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's be glad that he didn't write a song about how he's going to kick their butts.**

 _ **Joker: (Pulls out a pistol) Tell me something, my friend… you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?**_

 _ **Bruce Wayne: What?**_

 _ **Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound it.**_

 **(He shoots Bruce as Vicki screams)**

 _ **Joker: Never rub another man's rhubarb.**_

 **(The Joker laughs as the movie fades to black. Then, the end credits are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't kill me. Bruce used a bended serving tray as body armor and plays dead. Later, the Joker hijacks the airwaves and announces that he'll be throwing a parade and giving free money to the people of Gotham and challenges Batman. Then, Bruce reads an article about his parents' murder, bringing us to a flashback to the night his mother and father were killed by a mugger, and this will definitely change the mythos and it pissed everybody off.**

 **(The armed mugger shoots and kills Thomas and Martha Wayne)**

 _ **Young Jack Napier (Played by Hugo Blick, credited as Hugo E. Blick): (To a young Bruce Wayne) Tell me, kid… you ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that the man who killed Bruce's parents, happened to be the Joker himself, Jack Napier.**

"Okay, so we all know in the comics that Joe Chill was the one that murdered Bruce Wayne's parents when he was young. People were furious with Tim Burton and he admitted that it was his fault. But hey, the Writer's Strike was going on back in the 80s and I don't blame him. Plus, Bob Kane liked the idea of the Joker killing Bruce's parents." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and by the way. The actor playing Bruce's father Dr. Thomas Wayne, that's David Baxt, who you might recognize him as the cat burglar in** _ **Superman: The Movie**_ **. Anyway, after Bruce realizes that the Joker was the one who murdered his parents, Alfred brings Vicki into the Batcave. Oh, no.**

"Yeah, that was also Tim Burton's fault. He got himself into some deep shit with the fans for having Alfred letting Vicki into the Batcave. And one more thing: why the hell would Alfred let Vicki into the Batcave. I know that he feels that Vicki brings out Bruce's human side, but really. He would be out on his ass in a heartbeat. That is a big no-no." Sean said. "It's just like the time Alfred drank the last Diet Coke."

 **(A Diet Coke commercial promoting the movie is shown as we see Michael Gough's Alfred drinking a glass of Diet Coke)**

Sean's friend Brian then remembers the movie _Halloween 4_ and a documentary he saw on it.

"That's right. There was a writer's strike around that time." Brian said. "True story, when _Halloween 4_ was being worked on, the script got sent just before the writer's strike started."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bruce and Vicki talk about the future of their relationship, but Bruce cannot focus on their relationship right now because there's a psychotic clown running loose around Gotham. So, Bruce departs as Batman. First up, he raids Axis Chemicals, where the Joker's goons are holed up.**

 **(The Batmobile drives through Axis Chemicals as the Joker's goons start shooting at it. The Batmobile puts it shields up and drops a grenade from out of it's wheel. The grenade explodes, destroying Axis Chemicals and killing the Joker's goons.)**

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did Batman just straight-up murder these guys?" Sean asked with a surprised look on his face. "Awesome!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know that his credo is never to take a human life but I guess they're just trying to distance themselves from the campy 1960's Adam West show. This sounds like something that Thomas Wayne's Batman would've done. And I don't think Batman should kill anyone but it does make sense considering with what he found out about the Joker. And yes, it does look awesome seeing the Batmobile coming out of the flames and despite the awesomeness of this scene, the Joker is still out there. And where's the Joker? He's busy throwing a parade and giving away free money to the citizens of the city. Uh, where are the cops? They're doing this right in front of City Hall. When you see some guy with green hair, white skin and a creepy smile on a parade float throwing money to people while playing Prince, yeah, some serious shit is about to go down.**

"Remember that line the Joker said a few scenes ago?" Sean asked.

 _ **Vicki Vale: What do you want?**_

 _ **Joker: My face on the $1 bill.**_

"Yeah. In the original draft, Joker gave the citizens of Gotham counterfeit money with his face on it. It was in the comic book adaptation of the movie that Linkara and the Nostalgia Critic were talking about. Great job, Vicki. You just gave that guy an idea to kill millions of people. No good, dirty bitch." Sean said as he crossed his arms.

 _ **Alexander Knox: (While Vicki is taking pictures) Vale, take a picture.**_

"Dude, relax! It's not that serious. She's already taking the photographs." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean's cousin Cami is sitting in the kitchen eating a grilled cheese sandwich as Sean enters)**

 **Sean: Dude, eat your sandwich!**

 **Cami: (Stops eating her sandwich) I'm already eating my sandwich. Calm down.**

 **Sean: Oh. Well, you're good.**

 **(Sean leaves as Cami rolls her eyes in disgust)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Batman arrives in his Batwing and crashes the party. But when the Joker sees him flying through the night, he unleashes his ultimate weapon, involving balloons and gas, deadly Smilex gas.**

 **(Vicki takes a photo and notices a gas canister on one of the balloons, and sees some gas spraying out)**

 _ **Vicki Vale: Oh, my God. Smilex gas. He's going to kill everybody!**_

"Oh, thank you for stating the obvious like a friggin' Anime character. See? This is why I didn't like you in _Batman: The Tell Tale Series_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman manages to thwart the Joker's plan to kill everybody by using his Batwing and tows the balloons above the clouds, which pisses the Joker off.**

 _ **Joker: He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me that he had one of those things?! Bob, gun.**_

 **(Bob hands Joker a gun, then the Joker shoots him)**

"No! Not Bob! Why did you have to shoot him?! I can jog all the way to Texas and back but Bob can't! He never could." Sean cried. "Oh, God. I'm so mad, I don't know what to do. I wanna know why. I wanna know why Bob's life is over. Oh, God. I wanna know why. WHY?! It's not supposed to happen to him, I was supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first. God, I just want to hit somebody. I wanna hit it hard!"

 **(A clip from** _ **Steel Magnolias**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Clairee (Played by Olympia Dukakis): (Grabs Ouiser) Here! Hit this. Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!**_

 _ **Ouiser (Played by Shirley MacLaine): Are you crazy?**_

 _ **Clairee: Hit her!**_

 _ **Ouiser: Are you high, Clairee?!**_

Sean starts laughing. "Okay, now I'm feeling much better."

 **(Batman flies the Batwing up into the sky and we see the Batwing silhouetted against the moon, then it swoops back down)**

"Okay, that was also awesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, its time for the ultimate battle. It's Batman versus Joker. Coke vs. Pepsi. McDonalds vs. Burger King. Who's gonna win?**

 **(Joker stands in the middle of the street and sees the Batwing coming)**

 _ **Joker: Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch. Come to me. (Laughs) Come on.**_

 **(Batman starts shooting at the Joker with his Batwing, but misses)**

"Okay, Bruce Wayne has some shitty targeting abilities to try to shoot at the Joker. And I have to praise Joker for standing out there and counting on him to miss. That takes brass balls right there. I mean, I haven't seen anything like that since General Zod in _Superman II_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Joker shoots down the Batwing with his long-barreled gun and apparently one shot is all it takes just to hit it, causing Batman to crash.**

"It happens!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vicki tries to check to find Batman and see if he's alright, but she ends up getting captured by the Joker.**

 _ **Joker: Gotham City Cathedral. Transportation for two.**_

 _ **Goon: Right away, sir?**_

 _ **Joker: Five minutes.**_

 _ **Goon: Five minutes.**_

 **(Joker looks up and sees how tall Gotham City Cathedral looks)**

 _ **Joker: Better make it 10.**_

 _ **Goon: Okay, 10 minutes.**_

"And what we have here is another one of my favorite scenes. Fun fact about this scene, this takes place in real time. 10 minutes of screen footage goes by between entering the cathedral and the arrival of the Joker's helicopter." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker takes Vicki up to the top of the Cathedral while Batman, who's injured from the crash, follows them. Which follows with a fight with the Joker's goons while Joker is dancing with Vicki Vale.**

 **(Lawrence tries to sneak attack Batman by jumping at him. Instead, he goes crashing through the floor and screams)**

"What the hell?! That was really stupid of you to try to attack Batman. But that plan fails." Sean said while laughing.

 **(Lawrence jumps and crashes through the floor)**

 **Sean: (v/o as Lawrence) Oh, shit! That was a bad idea!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And while all that is going down, Batman gets roughed up by a brute goon that looks like Ray Charles.**

 **(Batman kicks the brute in the back as the brute goon swings a chain at Batman. Batman ducks down and dodges the goon's attacks)**

"Come on, Batman. Circle, square. Circle, square. Stun the brute with your cape and beat him down." Sean said, referencing one of Batman's attacks from the Arkham games.

 **(The Goon lands heavy blows to Batman's abdomen and his face repeatedly, then pushes him into the bell. The Goon checks to see if Batman has perished. Batman uses his legs and grabs his head, causing the Goon to hit his head on the bell, then throws him down the stairwell)**

"Okay, enough with the killing, Batsy. You don't need to turn into The Punisher wearing a mask. Besides, you don't need to threaten to kill somebody." Sean said.

 _ **Batman: (Threatens the Joker) I'm going to kill you**_

"You're not helping, Burton." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman beats the living crap out of the Joker for a bit, then knocks him over a ledge. Then, the Joker gets the upper hand. No pun intended and leaves Batman and Vicki hanging until his helicopter arrives.**

 _ **Joker: Here, let me lend you a hand.**_

 **(Vicki reaches for Joker's hand, a fake hand breaks off as Vicki falls but Batman manages to grab her in the nick of time and swings her back up on the ledge)**

 _ **Joker: (Laugh) Lend you a hand.**_

"Hey, you should lend Jaime Lannister a hand because he needs one." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Joker's helicopter arrives and he attempts to escape, but Batman stops him by attaching a gargoyle statue to the Joker's leg with his grappling hook, resulting in this….**

 **(The statue breaks off while the Joker is hanging on, until he falls to his death)**

"Okay, now that has to be one of the best villain deaths ever. Aside from Hans Gruber in _Die Hard_ and Frollo in _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_." Sean said. "And then there's Clayton in _Tarzan_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Batman saves Vicki Vale, the Joker is dead and his goons have been rounded up and taken to jail, Batman is accepted as a hero by the city of Gotham, Knox gets friendzoned by Vicki, Commissioner Gordon unveils the Bat-Signal and Vicki comes to terms with Bruce's double life.**

 _ **Alfred Pennyworth: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a little late.**_

 _ **Vicki Vale: (Smiles a bit) I'm not a bit surprised.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Batman on the rooftop standing watch over the city. The end.**

"And that was _Batman_. And yes, the movie is still awesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's got it's problems, sure. And there are some parts that are a bit dated but yeah the movie is still excellent. The performances were pretty good. I loved Michael Keaton as Batman and Bruce Wayne and Jack Nicholson was awesome as the Joker. What I love about the movie was it's visual design. The film's cinematographer Roger Pratt, who was the cinematographer for the** _ **Harry Potter**_ **films, did a tremendous job with this movie. My favorite shot of the film would have to be the final confrontation at the cathedral. The late Anton Furst, who was the production designer for** _ **The Company of Wolves**_ **,** _ **Full Metal Jacket**_ **and** _ **Awakenings**_ **, did an incredible job creating this industrial and gothic style of Gotham City. Danny Elfman did an amazing job composing the music for the film. He had help from the Shirley Walker, who went on to compose for** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **and** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **. The visual effects done by the late Derek Meddings are still pretty impressive, like the action set pieces and the destruction of Axis Chemicals, but there are some scenes that you can tell that it's a model and there are some dodgy optical shots. After the film's release, there were video game adaptations based on the film released on the Commodore Amiga, Spectrum, Nintendo, Sega Mega Drive and there's the arcade version which has the original sounds from the movie in 1990. The story's a lot of fun, the characters are likeable and there are some memorable lines in this film. What more can I say about this movie? If you haven't checked this movie out, then go ahead and do it. Just stay away from** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **. Batman is getting five smiling Jokers out of five.**

"Well, that's all the time we have for today. Until then, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic saying…" Sean said until a flash of lightning appears on the screen and we see Sean wearing a Batman mask. "I'm Batman."

 **(Deleted Scene)**

 **Joker: I have given a name for my pain, and it is Batman.**

 **(The Joker shoots and destroys the television)**

"Goddamn it, Joker! Now how am I going to watch the new episode of _American Housewife_ now?" Sean asked.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **I'm Batman.**_

 **And that is all for the review of Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the new chapter and some of the funny bits in it. Next time, I'll either review** _ **Road House**_ **,** _ **Dune**_ **or** _ **The Shadow**_ **. Here's the plots for the chapter.:**

 _ **Road House**_ **: Sean takes a look at the 1989 cult classic and asks does it deserve any hate from critics?**

 _ **Dune**_ **: Sean takes a look at what was supposed to be David Lynch's sci-fi epic, which turned into a complete and confusing mess.**

 _ **The Shadow**_ **: Alec Baldwin plays a superhero of the 1930s. This is Universal Pictures' answer to Batman.**

 **Which movie do you want me to review next? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And feel free to follow and favorite me to your authors. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	59. Episode 55: Road House

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be talking about one of the greatest action movies ever. And that movie is called** _ **Road House**_ **, starring the late Patrick Swayze. He takes a look at the movie and asks if it deserves any hate from critics. Will Sean defend this movie or will he rip it a new one? So, grab yourself a can of Mountain Dew Code Red and some Doritos, sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. As I mentioned before in previous chapters, all materials belong to their respective sources.** _ **Road House**_ **is owned by United Artists and Silver Pictures.**

 **Episode Fifty-Five**

 **Road House**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before talking about the topic of today's subject. "Back in the 80s and 90s, there were action movies that focused on one important thing… BEING A MEH-YAN!"

We see a bunch of explosions behind Sean while he grabs a cooked steak that's medium rare with his hands and starts eating it.

 **(Various images are shown as Sean describes them)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! You all know what I'm talking about. Hardcore action movies filled with punching, blood, gunfights, explosions, tits and EXPLOSIONS! And yes, we've come a long way watching action movies but back in the 80s and 90s, we never talked about ideas and expressing our emotions. We were the manlies manly men ever lived.**

 **(Posters for** _ **Commando, Die Hard, Hard Target, Under Siege, Showdown in Little Tokyo**_ **and** _ **First Blood**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah! We have Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Lundgren and Stallone.**

"Yeah, ladies. You bet you could have a female character in an action movie that's tough and developed." Sean said as a photo of Sigourney Weaver in _Aliens_ is shown. "Okay, well you have Sigourney Weaver."

Then, a photo of Bridget Fonda in the John Badham movie _Point of No Return_ is shown.

"Okay, y'all had Bridget Fonda. She kicked some ass in that film…" Sean said, until a photos of Scarlett Johansson in _Avengers: Endgame_ , Jennifer Garner in _Peppermint_ and Brie Larson in _Captain Marvel_ is shown. "Alright! Alright, goddamn it! You ladies have strong female characters who are tough and developed. No need to throw it in my face. Jesus!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We were so bloodhungry that our hero was a Vietnam veteran who has PTSD taking out a sheriff and his men and the National Guard and the whole damn town! Yeah, you wish that Zack Snyder and Michael Bay would direct something like this.**

 **(Posters for Zack Snyder's** _ **300**_ **and Michael Bay's** _ **The Rock**_ **pop up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and sighs) Fine, those were pretty good.**

"And then you have an action movie that pops up and you watch it and then you end up enjoying it for the rest of your life. You have the movie _Road House_." Sean said.

 **(The main title for the movie** _ **Road House**_ **is shown. Clips from the movie play as Sean speaks while the song** _ **When the Night Comes Falling From the Sky**_ **by The Jeff Healey Band starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 19, 1989 and distributed by United Artists and produced by Joel Silver. The movie was directed by Rowdy Herrington, who directed the 1992 film Gladiator and the Bruce Willis thriller** _ **Striking Distance**_ **. The film stars Patrick Swayze, who is sadly no longer with us. He passed away in 2009 to pancreatic cancer. He was already a big star with the 1987 romantic movie** _ **Dirty Dancing**_ **. Back in the 80s, he became popular with the ladies with his status as a teen idol and a sex symbol. He appeared in films like** _ **The Outsiders, Red Dawn, Ghost, Point Break**_ **and the miniseries** _ **North and South**_ **and it's sequel** _ **North and South Book II**_ **. And since this is an action movie, he's going to be playing a tough guy in this one. The movie received negative reviews from critics after it was released. But does it deserve to be hated on by the critics? The film did quite well on home video and it aired on cable television like HBO and Cinemax. The film gained a cult following. Celebrities like Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier expressed their love for the movie. Hell, I even ordered the collector's edition Blu-Ray from Amazon. The movie is so friggin' awesome that** _ **Family Guy**_ **did an episode dedicated to Swayze where Peter buys a copy of** _ **Road House**_ **and he gets inspired by the movie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **is shown, showing Peter kicking and destroying a drive-thru window)**

 _ **Peter Griffin (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): Keep the change. (Looks into the camera) Road House.**_

"That's how awesome this movie is." Sean said. "Well, let's not waste any time. Let's take a look and see if this movie should be appreciated more or be ripped apart. This is... Excuse me."

Sean then gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the front door as Brian's brother Adam enters to ask him something.

"Hey, Sean. I was wondering if I could borrow your _Animaniacs_ DVD for Aaron to watch?" Adam asked until Sean walks over to him and knocks him out with one punch in the face.

" _Road House_." Sean said while looking into the camera.

 **(The movie starts with a shot of a club in New York City while Don't Throw Stones by The Cruzados start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We open up on club in New York City. Sure, there's a great performance from a band and everyone's having a great time and dancing and drinking and… (Sees some attractive looking women at the club) Damn.**

"Man, this club have some fine lookin' bitches there." Sean said with a smirk on his face until his girlfriend Taylor clears her throat to get his attention. The young critic turns to his left and sees Taylor standing by the stairs with her arms crossed and glared at him. "I… I… I… I was just kidding, babe. Just kidding."

"Yeah, you better be. Because if you're not, then say goodbye to Sean Jr." Taylor said before heading upstairs.

Sean turns to the camera with a look of fear on his face and gulped before continuing the review. "Let's continue."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to the main character of the movie named Dalton, played by Patrick Swayze.**

"And for those of you who want to know what Dalton's first name is…. It's James. His first name is James. It's revealed in the sequel that Dalton's first name is James. You know what, just call him Dalton because they never said his first name in the movie and the sequel sucked balls." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dalton is a professional "cooler". In other words, a specialized doorman/bouncer. We see that he's serious about his job and he likes to keep a cool head when he spots an unruly customer assaulting a woman and punching other bouncer in the face.**

 _ **Dalton (Played by the late Patrick Swayze): I think it's time for you two to leave.**_

"I think you better do as he says, man. He used to be a Greaser." Sean said, referencing The Outsiders.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the customer wouldn't take no for an answer as he tries to attack Dalton with a knife and wants to take him on outside. Dude, are you nuts? You want to take on this tough bouncer out on the streets just to show how tough you are? He'll probably kill you in a heartbeat or just humiliate you.**

 **Brian: (V/O as club customer) If you heard the rumors that I have, you'd listen.**

 _ **Bandstand Tough Guy (Played by John Oldach): (After stepping outside with his friend) Ok. So here we are, let's go.**_

 _ **Bandstand Tough Guy #2 (Played by Joey Plewa): Come on, hotshot.**_

 _ **Bandstand Tough Guy: Come on! Come on, let's do it.**_

 **(Dalton smiles and heads back inside)**

 _ **Bandstand Tough Guy #2: Hey, moose-lips, get back here!**_

 _ **Bandstand Tough Guy: Dickhead!**_

 _ **Bandstand Tough Guy: (To the bouncers) What are you guys, the Seven Dwarfs or something?**_

"Hey, just be glad that Dalton didn't kick your asses and made you run home crying like a little sissy. He's known to do that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While he tends to his wound, Dalton gets approached by a man named Frank Tilghman, played by Kevin Tighe. Tilghman is the owner of a little club outside of Kansas City called the Double Deuce and he gives him an offer that he wouldn't refuse.**

 _ **Frank Tilghman (Played by Kevin Tighe): It used to be a sweet deal. Now it's the kind of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after closing.**_

"Sounds like my kind of bar to go to." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 _ **Frank Tilghman: I need somebody to help me clean the place up. I need the best.**_

"I've heard that you're a total sex machine with the ladies." Sean said, imitating Tilghman before looking into the camera. " _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Tilghman plans to invest some substantial money into the club to enhance his image and needs the best cooler to maintain stability. And Dalton's the right man for the job. So, he leaves New York for Jasper, Missouri. As he arrives in Jasper, he checks out the Double Deuce and sees how shit this bar is. You have some of the employees hitting on sexy babes, getting into fights, dealing drugs. Yeah, not my kind of bar. But hey, at least this bar has a busty hot blonde checking him out.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yakko and Wakko (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Hellloooooooo nurse!**_

 _ **Bar Guy: Hey, vodka rocks. What do you say you and me get nipple to nipple?**_

 _ **Denise (Played by Julie Michaels): I can do that without you.**_

"Sounds like she doesn't take shit from anybody." Sean said.

"My kind of girl." Brian said as Cheryl clears her throat at him. "Oh, hi Cheryl."

Cheryl ends up hitting Brian with a shoe while Sean watches and laughs.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While observing what's going on with the bar, we're introduced to the Double Deuce's employees, Morgan played by professional wrestler Terry Funk and Carrie Ann the waitress played by Kathleen Wilhoite.**

"Who you might recognize her from the Charles Bronson film _Murphy's Law_ , that Bruce Willis erotic thriller _Color of Night_ and for those of you who grew up watching _Disney's One Saturday Morning_ like me back in the 90's, she played the voice of Pepper Ann in the show _Pepper Ann_." Sean said.

 **(The intro to** _ **Pepper Ann**_ **is shown while the theme song plays)**

 _ **Carrie Ann (Played by Kathleen Wilhoite): I'm Carrie Ann. If you need anything, (taps Dalton's shoulder) anything, you just let me know.**_

 **(Dalton nods his head)**

 _ **Carrie Ann: You got a name?**_

 _ **Dalton: Yeah.**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: Well, what is it?**_

 _ **Dalton: (Turns to Carrie Ann) Dalton.**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: (Laughing) Oh, my God. Shit. I heard of you.**_

"So? She knows about him. I'm sure a lot of people do." Sean said, sounding bored.

 **(Dalton hands Cody, the bar's band player, a towel)**

 _ **Cody (Played by the late Jeff Healey): Thanks, man.**_

 _ **Dalton: Thought you played pretty good for a blind, white boy.**_

 _ **Cody: Yeah, and I thought you'd be bigger.**_

 **(They laugh and hug each other)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And it turns out that Dalton is friends with the Double Deuce's band player named Cody, played by Canadian jazz and blues musician Jeff Healey.**

"While I was doing some research on the film, I didn't know that he was actually blind. I read up on Jeff Healey and he was almost a year old when he lost his sight to retinoblastoma. It's a rare cancer of the eyes. His eyes had to be surgically removed and he was given ocular prostheses. I listened to some of his songs and he's a great singer." Sean said.

"Not the best bar, but hey if they can hire a blind guy to play in their band, not bad." Brian said.

 _ **Carrie Ann: (To Hank) Hey Hank, you know who that is?**_

 _ **Hank (Played by Kurt James Stefka): Who?**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: Dalton.**_

 **(Hank sees Dalton)**

 _ **Pat McGurn (Played by John Doe): (To Morgan) That guy at the end of the bar is fucking Dalton, man.**_

 **(Morgan turns and sees Dalton)**

 _ **Hank: (To Steve) He killed a guy once. Ripped his throat right out.**_

 _ **Steve (Played by Gary Hudson): Bullshit**_

"I heard that Dalton once kicked a guy in the nuts so hard that his skull and spine popped out of his body." Sean said before looking into the camera. " _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and guess what this guy is doing. He's offering these two pervs $20 to kiss his woman's tits. Really? $20.**

"Offering twenty bucks to give that hot blonde's tits a squeeze. I'd rather kiss Scarlett Johansson, Elizabeth Olsen or Brie Larson's tits a kiss… for free!" Sean exclaimed. Then, all of a sudden, Taylor shoots at Sean with a crossbow, which misses him and hits the wall. "Um, nevermind."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And because the guy has no $20 bucks on him, the other guy punches him, then a huge fight breaks out while Dalton watches.**

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme plays while everybody in the bar fights while Dalton watches)**

"Dude, you're a bouncer. Shouldn't you just join in and break up the fight? Hello." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that big brawl in the bar, some of the employees want to know what the hell is going on and wonder if Dalton is going to help them out or not but Dalton says that he'll let them know. Hey, a bar like that in a hick town, I'm sure they'll need all the help they can get.**

 _ **Morgan: This Dalton character, what's his story?**_

 _ **Cody: The story is you fuck with him and he'll seal your fate.**_

 _ **Morgan: Yeah? So far he hasn't shown me shit.**_

"Oh, really? Well, take a look at the last guy who ended up fucking with Dalton." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Red Dawn**_ **, the 1984 version, is shown)**

 _ **Jed (Played by Patrick Swayze): (Points a gun at Strelnikov) You lose.**_

 **(Strelnikov and Jed shoot each other, Jed finishes Strelnikov off with two more shots)**

"Never mess with Dalton in a gunfight." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Dalton buys himself a 1965 Buick Riviera at a car dealership, then takes lodging at a local farm that's owned by a farmer named Emmet, played by the late Sunshine Parker. Emmet shows Dalton around the house until his peaceful farming life is interrupted by a helicopter flying around, causing his horses to go wild. That helicopter is flown my the movie's main antagonist Brad Wesley, played by the late Ben Gazzara. Wesley…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: The Next Generation**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): Shut up, Wesley!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) ….Ooookay. Wesley is a local business magnate and he's also Red's next door neighbor who lives in a fancy house with a bunch of guards. Mr. Burns much, buddy?**

 _ **Emmet (Played by the late Sunshine Parker): I swear he does that just to piss me off.**_

"Low-flying helicopter? Sounds worse than when I hear low-flying planes close to my house." Brian said

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Tilghman is showing his employees the designs for a new Double Deuce and he introduces Dalton to some of the workers. And the first thing Dalton does is fire two workers.**

 _ **Dalton: Morgan, you're out of here.**_

 _ **Morgan: What the fuck you talking about?**_

 _ **Dalton: You don't have the right temperament for the trade.**_

 _ **Morgan: You asshole!**_

"Whoa, now! Easy, Terry Funk. You don't want to slap him like you did with Jerry Lawler on Memphis Saturday Morning. Look it up on YouTube, that actually happened." Sean said.

 _ **Morgan: (To Dalton) You're a dead man.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you have Terry Funk, a professional wrestler threatening Patrick Swayze. Yeah, I would love to see that fight happening. But instead, we get a fight involving Terry Funk and Hannibal "The Animal" back in 2014 during a press conference.**

 **(We see footage from the infamous Terry Funk Incident press conference from Thunder Bay Ontario)**

 _ **Hannibal "The Animal": (After beating Terry Funk) He ain't nothing! Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, you're dead. I'ma beat the crap outta you, just like I did this piece of crap. Just like… he reminds me of everyone from Thunder Bay.**_

 **(Terry Funk hits Hannibal "The Animal" in the head with a framed picture drawing of himself)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after firing Morgan and a waitress who was dealing drugs, Dalton lays out a few ground rules since he's in charge of the whole show.**

 _ **Dalton: All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One: never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two: take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three: be nice.**_

 _ **Jack (Played by Travis McKenna): Come on.**_

 _ **Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman Returns**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Fat Clown (Played by Travis McKenna): Penguin, I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't that a little, uh….**_

 **(Penguin pulls out an umbrella gun and shoots the Fat Clown)**

 _ **Jack: Okay.**_

"Huh?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

 _ **Dalton: Ask him to walk, be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you. And you'll both be nice.**_

"But what if the guy tries to attack me with a knife?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dalton: Be nice.**_

"But what if the guy puts his hands on my girlfriend?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dalton: Be nice.**_

"But what if the guy wants to fight me outside?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dalton: Be nice.**_

"What if Willie tries to rob you and your girlfriend and he shoots you dead. What would you do then?" Sean asked, referencing the 1990 film Ghost.

 _ **Dalton: Be nice.**_

"You suck, you know that?" Sean asked.

 _ **Steve: I wonder what if somebody calls my mama a whore?**_

 _ **Dalton: Is she?**_

 **(The words "Thug Life" pop up on the screen with a pair of sunglasses on Dalton's face while the Ice Cube song** _ **Check Yo Self**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's time for the be nice rule to be put to the test as we see that this is going to be a busy night at the Double Deuce with Dalton keeping an eye on things while a certain busty blonde, whose name is Denise, played by Julie Michaels, is busy checking out Dalton.**

"Damn, I wish a hot busty blonde would be checking me out right now." Sean said as he turns and sees Oliver's girlfriend Brie checking him out. Sean smiles at Brie, then turns to his right only to his Taylor and her brother Oliver glaring at him, then looks at the camera. "Well, Brie's not a blonde. But that'll do."

"Excuse me?" Taylor asked, giving Sean the death glare.

"I should keep my fucking mouth shut." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the time to be nice starts now, when Dalton sends Hank, played by Kurt James Stefka, to tell a guy to get a woman off of a table so she could stop dancing. The guy becomes unruly and pulls out a knife on Hank, until this happens.**

 **(Dalton approaches the guy and grabs him by his wrist, disarming him. Dalton grabs the man by the back of his head and slams his head down on the table)**

 _ **Dalton: Escort this gentleman to the door.**_

Sean looked at the camera with a shocked and surprised look on his face from what he just saw. "Okay, that must've been the most badass way to give a guy a concussion. That dude's probably seein tweety birds flying around his head.

 _ **Frank Tilghman: He is good. He's real good.**_

 _ **Cody: The name is Dalton.**_

 **(The audience applaud and cheers. We get tracking zoom in shot on Dalton, then another tracking zoom in shot on Denise)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, don't you just love how cinematographer Dean Cundey uses the tracking shot on every scene in the movie. Buddy, you're not working with Scorsese, you're working with Rowdy Herrington, the guy who directed that Jack the Ripper movie called** _ **Jack's Back**_ **. No need for the tracking shot in every scene.**

"I mean, can you imagine me doing a tracking shot in every one of my reviews?" Sean said as Dave does a tracking zoom-in shot on Sean. "Dave, what are you doing? Dave?!"

Dave ends up hitting Sean in the face after moving the camera closer towards his face.

"Ow! Goddamn it! Move the camera away! Move the camera way!" Sean yelled out while holding his nose as Dave moves the camera away.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that Steve, played by Gary Hudson, is in the back of the storage room getting freaky with some hot chick like it's a friggin' Brazzers video, until Dalton catches him.**

 _ **Dalton: (After he catches Steve having sex with a woman) You're history.**_

 _ **Steve: But I'm on my break.**_

 _ **Dalton: Stay on it.**_

 _ **Steve: Shit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, that's one employee down, now it's time for another when Dalton ends up firing Pat McGurn, played by John Doe, after he catches him skimming on the drinks.**

"Hey, you should've see what he did to the beer here. It tasted like piss mostly because he pissed in it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after firing Steve and Pat and seeing that his car has been vandalized by a disgruntled worker, Dalton tries to get himself a good read in before going to bed but he gets distracted by Brad Wesley because he's throwing a party at his house across from where Dalton is staying. Damn, for an old guy who's in his late fifties, he sure knows how to party. The next morning, Carrie Ann goes to visit Dalton with some breakfast and…**

 **(Dalton gets out of bed, naked. Carrie Ann gasps as she sees his bare behind. P.S.: His behind is censored with an image of Patrick Swayze's face covering his bare behind.)**

"Well, there you go ladies. You just got a glimpse of naked Patrick Swayze. And watching this movie on Blu-Ray and in 4k resolution, I'm going to live with the fact that I saw Swayze naked. I need to get that image out of my head. Let me think of something. Scarlett Johansson and Elizabeth Olsen naked." Sean said. "There, that image of Swayze ass is popped out of my mind."

 _ **Carrie Ann: What did you do there last night?**_

 _ **Dalton: What do you mean?**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: Well, you fired the bartender, Pat.**_

 _ **Dalton: He was skimming.**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: You should not have done that, Dalton.**_

"What's going to happen? Is some bad people going to kill him?" Sean asked.

 _ **Dalton: What is the joke?**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: Well, there's no joke. I just think I'm lookin' at a dead man, though.**_

 _ **Dalton: It seems everywhere I go I hear that same joke.**_

 _ **Carrie Ann: Yeah? Well, something tells me you bring it on yourself.**_

"Oh, come on. I'm sure he'll be fine." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Brad Wesley….**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: The Next Generation**_ **is shown again)**

 _ **Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up, Wesley!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) …Is having a nice pleasant drive by driving recklessly and singing and almost killing Dalton while driving.**

"Yeah, this guy should be on TruTV's _World's Dumbest Drivers_." Sean said as a photo of Brad Wesley driving pops up and the _World's Dumbest Drivers_ logo pops up next to him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dalton heads down to a local auto parts shop owned by Red Webster, played by the late Red West, who's a close friend of Elvis Presley.**

 _ **Red Webster (Played by the late Red West): You the boy from the Double Deuce?**_

 _ **Dalton: Yes, sir.**_

 _ **Red Webster: Yeah. Well, I kinda figured you'd be by./How long you gonna be in town?**_

 _ **Dalton: Not very long.**_

 _ **Red Webster: That's what I said 25 years ago.**_

 _ **Dalton: Really? What happened?**_

 _ **Red Webster: I got married, to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you.**_

 **(Dalton laughs)**

"Hey, someday I'm gonna marry this beautiful woman who's living with me now. She's not ugly, but she's beautiful and she won't dump me for some ditzy pretty boy." Sean said.

"Awe, Sean. That's sweet." Taylor said, smiling at Sean.

"Yeah, you should meet her though." Sean chuckled as Taylor hits him with her bib jersey.

"You jerk!" Taylor exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But there's something troubling Red when he sees Brad Wesley entering his shop, along with his right-hand man Jimmy, played by Marshall Teague and Wesley introduces himself to Dalton.**

 _ **Brad Wesley (Played by the late Ben Gazzara): (Shakes Dalton's hand) Brad Wesley.**_

 _ **Dalton: Dalton.**_

 _ **Red Webster: He's working at the Double Deuce.**_

 _ **Brad Wesley: Oh, terrific. Hope you're gonna clean that place up. Bad element over there. Well, anything I can do for you…**_

 _ **Dalton: Thanks, Red.**_

 **(Dalton walks past Jimmy and stares him down)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Jimmy) Oh, you're a dead man, Greaser.**

"Ah, this town's Hiram Lodge." Brian said.

"Except if Hiram Lodge was an old guy in his late fifties." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Emmet's farm, where Emmet uncovers Dalton's real car, a 1986 Mercedes 560SEC with New York license plates and he sees Dalton doing some Tai Chi in his spare time.**

"Fun fact: Patrick Swayze is trained in martial arts, but they get a martial arts expert Benny "The Jet" Urquidez. He helped choreograph the fight scenes in the movie. You'll see Swayze's character practicing some Tai Chi and the rest is mixed martial arts, a combination of western and eastern styles." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later at the Double Deuce, Dalton enters Tilghman's office and he sees Pat McGurn and two of Wesley's henchmen, Tinker played by John William Young and O'Connor played by Michael Rider, who I swear I thought that was Ted Levine. We see that Pat wants his job back and it turns out that he's the nephew of Brad Wesley. Tilghman may own the bar but the liquor that he's serving is supplied to him by Wesley. And the only way Pat is getting his job back is by taking on Dalton.**

 _ **Pat McGurn: You see, I'm stayin' and you're goin'!**_

 _ **Dalton: Oh, really?**_

 _ **Pat McGurn: (Pulls out a knife) That's right! Come on, Dalton. You and me right now. Right now!**_

"Okay, the time to be nice stops right now because he's got a knife. Dalton, I give you permission to kick his ass." Sean said, then turns to his right. "What do you guys think?"

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown, showing Chuckie Sol and Buzz Bronski nodding their heads)**

Sean then turns to his left. "Senator Palpatine?"

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Senator Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Do it.**_

 _ **Pat McGurn: What's the matter, you chicken dick? What are you afraid of? Me?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, a fight breaks out between Dalton, Pat and Wesley's henchmen. Tinker, one of Wesley's henchmen injures Dalton by slashing him with a knife. After that violent night at work, Dalton heads down to the hospital to get stitches and he ends up striking a friendship with a female doctor named Dr. Elizabeth Clay or "Doc", played by Kelly Lynch.**

 _ **Doc (Played by Kelly Lynch): Looks like a knife wound.**_

 _ **Dalton: Like I said.**_

 **(Doc reads Dalton's medical history)**

 _ **Doc: Well, Mr. Dalton, you may add nine staples to your dossier of 31 broken bones, two bullet wounds, nine puncture wounds, and four stainless steel screws. That's an estimate, of course.**_

"Damn, imagine him setting off the metal detectors while walking through the airport. Oh, wait. He doesn't like to fly. Nevermind." Sean said. "Well, looks like he has his work cut out for him."

 _ **Doc: (While stitching up Dalton) Your file says you've got a degree from NYU. What in?**_

 _ **Dalton: Philosophy.**_

 _ **Doc: (Looks up and smiles at Dalton for a bit) Any particular discipline?**_

"Dalton, a tough bad-ass cooler, has a degree from NYU in philosophy. I guess that particular discipline is… in kicking ass!" Sean exclaimed before looking at the camera. " _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Wesley….**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: TNG**_ **is shown again)**

 _ **Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up, Wesley!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) …Confronts his henchmen on their failure to get Pat's job back at the Double Deuce and figures that one of them owe him an apology. So, Tinker and O'Connor apologize, but Brad Wesley doesn't believe him.**

 _ **Brad Wesley: You disgust me, O'Connor. You wanna know why you disgust me?**_

 _ **O'Connor (Played by Michael Rider): No, why, boss?**_

 **(Wesley punches O'Connor in the nose, making him bleed)**

"Jesus!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Wesley proceeds to beat the crap out of O'Connor. Jimmy and Ketchum, played by Anthony DeLongis, help O'Connor up)**

 _ **Brad Wesley: You're gonna be fine. And you know why? Because I like you.**_

 **(O'Connor smiles at Wesley. Wesley punches O'Connor in the face)**

 _ **Brad Wesley: Get this piece of shit coward out of here.**_

"Holy shit! That dude is brutal than friggin' Hiram Lodge. Mr. Burns, watch your ass." Sean said as he points at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Dalton, he arrives at Red's Auto Shop, only to find Jimmy and another one of Wesley's henchmen at the shop and he finds that Red's place has been vandalized. We learn that Brad Wesley takes 10% of the town's businesses. Yep, that's definitely Hiram Lodge from** _ **Riverdale**_ **.**

 _ **Dalton: Everybody pay?**_

 _ **Red Webster: Does a hobbyhorse have a wooden dick?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Free Willy**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jesse (Played by Jason James Richter): Do dogs pee on brick walls?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Carl 'CJ' Johnson (Voiced by Young Maylay): Does the pope shit in the woods?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And since Brad Wesley has a stranglehold on the town, Dalton decides to call up an old friend of his. And his mentor is in the form of an aging but legendary cooler with a mullet and a badass beard.**

 **(We see legendary cooler Wade Garrett, played by Sam Elliott, keeping watch in a bar that's throwing a wet g-string contest)**

"In the form of this awesome American cowboy!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Wade Garrett, the legendary but aging cooler, played by the guy with the awesome mustache Sam Elliot.**

 _ **Wade Garrett (Played by Sam Elliott): (After pulling a soldier off the stage) Take it easy, Rambo. I know you wanna save the world from the commies, but you're gonna have to do it from down here, man.**_

 **(Wade looks at the topless woman, the topless woman winks at Wade)**

We cut back to Sean, who's now sporting a fake mustache and a wig a la Sam Elliott before imitating the legendary actor. "After your performance, you can come over to my place and I can give you a free mustache ride. _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dalton calls up Wade to check up on him and he tells him what's going on and stuff. Back at the Double Deuce, we see that Cody and his band are performing the song Knock on Wood with Carrie Ann singing because Kathleen Wilhoite is also a singer. We see that Denise, the sexy blonde woman who's been eyeing Dalton the whole time, tries to hit on him while he's working.**

 _ **Denise (Played by Julie Michaels): Why won't you look me in the eye, Dalton?**_

 _ **Dalton: I'm shy.**_

 _ **Denise: Would you be shocked if I said, "Let's go to my place and fuck?". Ain't gonna kill you. You know, you might even like it.**_

"Uh, I'm interested. I'll definitely like it. Dalton, she's not for you. I'll go back to her place and have sex with her. It's not gonna kill me." Sean said.

"Hey, don't distract the bouncer during working hours." Brian said.

"Dude, he has a hot chick hitting on him. If a woman like that is hitting on you and offers a night of passion with you, you would take it. I mean, it's not like she has a boyfriend or something." Sean said.

 **(Jimmy pulls Denise away from Dalton)**

 _ **Jimmy (Played by Marshall Teague): Say goodnight, Denise.**_

"Uh, nevermind. Apparently, Denise has a thing for evil douchebags who work for the elderly Hiram Lodge." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that little encounter with Dalton, Jimmy takes Denise out of the bar and sends Ketchum, played by actor and stuntman Anthony DeLongis.**

"Who you might recognize him as the voice of Zygon in _Starchaser: The Legend of Orin_ and as Blade in the He-Man live action movie _Masters of the Universe_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ketchum enters the bar and Dalton spots him and a knife sticking out his right boot. Uh…. James Bond much, buddy. So, him and Jack, played by Travis McKenna, confront Ketchum and three of his buddies to send them packing.**

 _ **Dalton: (To Ketchum) Sorry, we're closed.**_

 _ **Ketchum (Played by Anthony DeLongis): Well, then what are all these people doin' here?**_

 _ **Dalton: Drinking and having a good time.**_

 _ **Ketchum: (Chuckles a bit) Well, that's why we're here.**_

 **(Ketchum tries to kick Dalton, but Dalton grabs him by his leg)**

 _ **Dalton: You're too stupid to have a good time.**_

 **(Dalton drags Ketchum outside by his leg while the rest of the bouncers and three of Ketchum's friends start fighting)**

 **Sean: (as a Customer) Uh, hey. Can I get these boneless wings and the beer to go?**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, a fight breaks out between Dalton and Wesley's goons, in which the bouncers and Dalton win the fight with everyone cheering them on. And after that fight, Doc drops by to see Dalton and to see which one wins the battle for best hair and the two of them go out on a date and get to know each other.**

 _ **Doc: Are you always better than they are?**_

 _ **Dalton: Pretty much.**_

 _ **Doc: Never been put down?**_

 _ **Dalton: No, not really.**_

 _ **Doc: How do you explain that?**_

 _ **Dalton: The ones who go looking for trouble are not much of a problem to someone who's ready for them. I suspect it's always been that way.**_

"Well, things are looking up." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Dalton and Doc hit it off pretty well, as they end the night together with a goodnight kiss. You two just met like a day ago and all of a sudden you two are on your first date and ending it with a goodnight kiss. 80s movie logic. The next day, Tinker and O'Connor arrive at Emmet's farm to speak with Dalton and they take him over to Mr. Wesley's house for him to speak with him. (After seeing Brad Wesley's house) Hey, his house is not bad. He has two pool tables and animal heads on the wall. He's got 80s music playing and a hot blonde doing some aerobics…**

 **(Sean sees that the woman has a black eye)**

"Oh, dear. And we see that Brad Wesley beats up on women." Sean said. "Well, anything else about that guy so I can hate him even more?"

 _ **Brad Wesley: Will you shut that shit off?**_

 **(Tinker and O'Connor turn off the music)**

 _ **Brad Wesley: I can't listen to that crap. It's got no heart.**_

"Look here, old man. Don't you ever and I mean ever, hate on 80s music. 80s music got heart. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you calling 80s music crap." Sean said as he pulls out the brass knuckles.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wesley invited Dalton over to make peace with him, which you might think it would turn out to be innocent, but it's not because Brad Wesley has an ulterior motive when he mentions something about Dalton's past.**

 _ **Brad Wesley: I have a cousin in Memphis. Tells me you killed a man down there. Tells me you said it was self-defense at the trial. But you and I know that isn't so, don't we.**_

"Wait he's got contacts?" Sean asked. "How did his contact get a hold of Dalton's file? Was he there when Dalton killed the guy?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Wesley offers Dalton a job, but Dalton tells him to take that job and the money and shove it up his big fat ass. We then cut to the Double Deuce, which got a new makeover and tons of people coming in and things are looking really great. At least there won't be any fights. Yeah, that's a bar that I would love to go to and… (Sees Keith David as the new bartender Ernie) Oh, hey! It's Keith David! What's he doing in this movie?**

 _ **Ernie (Played by Keith David): Whiskey's running low.**_

"And Xanatos is sending out his cyborg Gargoyles and Demona to attack me and my clan." Sean said, imitating Goliath from _Disney's Gargoyles_ before speaking in his normal voice. "There, I got that obvious Gargoyles joke out of the way. Happy?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) But there's seems to be a problem when there's a shortage of liquor and why the suppliers won't deliver.**

 _ **Dalton: Wesley.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: TNG**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Shut up….**_

"Alright, alright. I think that's enough of that joke." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After work, Dalton heads out and sees Doc waiting for him. Guess it's time for another battle to see who has the best hair, as they head over to where Dalton is staying at and he shows her around.**

"Hmm, that's nice and all but what's missing is some music." Sean said.

 **(Dalton turns on the radio, the song** _ **I Sold My Soul to Rock and Roll**_ **by Bullet starts playing. Doc turns to Dalton and shook her head no)**

"Yeah, not too romantic. Let's try another song." Sean said.

 **(Dalton changes to a different song, this time it's the** _ **Striped Sweater**_ **song from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **)**

"Uh, no. Not that song. It annoyed my girlfriend when I sing it to her. Next." Sean said.

 **(Dalton changes it to a different song, this time the third song is** _ **Bump N' Grind**_ **by R. Kelly plays)**

"Whoa, hold it! None of that! Turn it off!" Sean exclaimed as the music cuts off. "Anything else?"

 **(Dalton changes the station, the song** _ **These Arms of Mine**_ **by Otis Redding plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, much better. So, with some romantic music playing, we learn that Doc is Red's niece after Dalton sees a picture of her in Red's shop and then he asks her this.**

 _ **Dalton: So how come you never got married?**_

 _ **Doc: I did.**_

"To the screenwriter of the movie _Scrooged_." Sean said, referencing Kelly Lynch's marriage to _Scrooged_ screenwriter Mitch Glazer. "And he's a lucky, lucky bastard."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And things get really steamy and I mean really steamy when Dalton and Doc start dancing and this dancing gets dirty.**

 **Brian: (V/O as announcer) Dirty Dancing reference for the win! Ten points!**

"Dalton grabs Doc by her behind and lifts her up in an erotic embrace. Kissing her neck and pinning her against the wall. Thrusting his….." Sean said as he stops talking, only to see Taylor, Cheryl, Brie, Bridget and Lexi standing behind him. The women start fanning themselves from the sight of Dalton and Doc's sex scene. "What the hell?!"

"Sean, keep going." Cheryl said.

"God, I wish that was me with Patrick Swayze." Lexi said.

"Okay, you ladies get the hell outta here. I don't need you drooling over a guy who's a literal ghost now. Get out of here. Get out." Sean said as the ladies leave.

"God, what an asshole." Bridget said.

"Always taking the joy away from us." Brie said.

"Oh, well. At least there's sexual fantasies about Patrick Swayze." Taylor said.

"Yeah, definitely." Chery said.

"GET OUT!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that sex scene between Dalton and Doc was pretty steamy. I thought I was watching** _ **Max After Dark**_ **. Hell, it looked like something out of** _ **Max After Dark**_ **. More along the lines of** _ **Dirty Dancing**_ **with a mix of** _ **The Best Sex Ever**_ **.**

"And after watching this scene, it's giving me ideas for a smutty _Riverdale_ story for Archie and Betty or an idea for a steamy love scene for _The Blood of Family_ involving Archie and Veronica. Which reminds me." Sean said as he picks up his phone to call someone.

"Hello?" The man on the other line asked.

"Hey, Mitch Glazer? Yeah, this is Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic. Yeah, I just want to let you know that your wife Kelly is having sex with Patrick Swayze right now. They're doing it and he's throwing her against the rocks." Sean said before he ends the call. "Hey, if Bill Murray can call Mitch Glazer and tell him that his wife is having sex with Patrick Swayze then I would too. But then again, I've seen her in _Mr. Magoo_ and _Curly Sue_ when I was young so there goes my childhood."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that steamy love scene, Doc finds Dalton outside, naked, and they end up talking to each other about his lifestyle.**

 _ **Doc: Where are you gonna go from here?**_

 _ **Dalton: I don't know.**_

 _ **Doc: You could stay, Dalton. If you wanted to.**_

 _ **Dalton: I don't think so.**_

"Oh, come on! You two literally fucked while doing some dirty dancing. She wants you to stay in this town and stay with her." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Brad Wesley spying on Dalton and Doc while they're having sex out in the open)**

"Oh, God. I do not want to know what that old man was doing while spying on Dalton and Doc having sex. A little creepy, don't you think? Just like that scene from the 2009 remake of _Friday the 13_ _th_ where Jason was watching Bree and Trent having sex. We'll talk about that movie when I do Halloween Havoc II this year." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce and he talks to Cody and Cody drops a little something about Doc Clay.**

 _ **Cody: Know who had a thing for Elizabeth Clay? Brad Wesley. Now, as I hear it, she left town and he went nuts.**_

"Turns out that Brad Wesley used to go out with Elizabeth 'Doc' Clay. I can see why she left him because he's like Hiram Lodge and C. Montgomery Burns." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the truck with the shipment of liquor arrives and so does trouble when Wesley's goons and Morgan arrive to screw with Dalton.**

 _ **Dalton: Can I buy you guys a drink?**_

 **(Morgan throws the bottle of liquor down on the ground)**

 _ **Dalton: Guess not.**_

"You don't funk with the Funkster, pretty boy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dalton ends up fighting Wesley's goons and ends up outnumbered, until a bearded savior steps in to save him.**

 **(Angelic music starts playing when Wade appears)**

 _ **Wade Garrett: (To Dalton) How's it going, miho?**_

 _ **Morgan: Mind your own business, Dad.**_

"A man doesn't grow a mustache, the mustache grows the man. And this man with the mustache is going to fuck you up." Sean said, imitating Sam Elliott.

 _ **Mountain (Played by Tiny Ron): Do you wanna fight, dickless?**_

 _ **Wade Garrett: I sure ain't gonna show you my dick**_ **.**

 **(Wade punches Mountain in his groin)**

"Oooh! Lothar got punched in the nuts." Sean winced. "Why couldn't The Rocketeer do this while he was fighting him on top of a Nazi zeppelin?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And for a guy who's in his mid-40s, Wade Garrett sure knows how to kick some ass.**

 **(Wade starts beating up on Wesley's goons while the theme from the movie Tombstone plays)**

"I think my penis just grew a mustache from seeing how badass Sam Elliott could get. Road House!" Sean said while looking at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after introducing Wade to everyone at the Double Deuce, Dalton takes the legendary cooler with the beard and mullet to meet Doc and the three of them get acquainted in a bar with Wade telling his stories.**

 _ **Wade Garrett: 1975, Albuquerque. Got blindsided by a bottle of Jack Daniels. Fucking around somewhere I shouldn't have been at the time. I was very drunk. Kid here got his head cracked**_

 _ **Dalton: (Laughs) You got the scar.**_

 _ **Wade Garrett: Oh, I'll show you the scar.**_

"Hey, if we got scars to show each other, here's one." Sean said, looking for a scar on his arm. "I got this from when I was trying to give Riley a bath when she was a kitten."

 _ **Wade Garrett: (Standing up) I'll show you one I'm real sentimental about, Doc.**_

 **(Wade begins to unbutton and unzip his jeans)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God! No!**

 **(Wade shows off his scar on his waist)**

"Look, I'm just covering my eyes because I don't want Sam Elliott flashing his dick. It's bad enough I saw Patrick Swayze's bare ass." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, after dancing with Doc in a diner, Dalton and Wade get to talking and Wade wants to know what's going on with Dalton.**

 _ **Wade Garrett: We're a long way from Memphis.**_

 _ **Dalton: Memphis has nothing to do with it.**_

 _ **Wade Garrett: Bullshit! That dog won't hunt. I can't believe you're still dragging that shit around with you. It seems to me you'd be a little more philosophical about it. And cut it the fuck loose./And when a man sticks a gun in your face you got two choices. You can die or you can kill the motherfucker.**_

"Uh, thanks for the advice, Wade. I remember that in the film's climax." Sean said.

 _ **Doc: Aren't you guys tired?**_

 _ **Wade Garrett: I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead.**_

"And those words will foreshadow something later on in the movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Double Deuce, business is going great until Jack tells Dalton that Red's place is on fire and the place blows up like a friggin' Michael Bay movie. Then, Red arrives only to see that his store has been destroyed, thanks to Brad Wesley. So, now its time to have a little word with Mr. Wesley but not before Denise starts entertaining the crowd with a little performance of her own.**

 **(Denise gets up on the stage and starts doing some seductive moves of her own while Cody sings)**

We cut back to Sean, who's busy watching Denise showing off her seductive moves.

 **(Mr. Wesley smiles as Denise kept dancing very seductively)**

Sean, who's now joined with Brian, his brother Adam, his cameraman Dave and his girlfriend's brother Oliver, watch the scene and they start cheering for Denise while drinking beer.

"Take it off!" Sean yelled out.

"Yeah, what he said!" Brian said.

 **(Denise starts unzipping the back of her dress and taking it off, leaving her in only her lacy white panties while keeping her bare breasts covered with her dress)**

"Oh, come on!" Adam whined.

"Babe, stop being such a tease and show us your boobs!" Oliver cheered out.

"Yeah! Let's see 'em!" Dave cheered.

 **(Denise throws her dress on Dalton's face, then grabs a customer's cowboy hat to cover up her bare breasts until we end up seeing them. Then, Beethoven's** _ **Ode to Joy**_ **starts playing as Denise's breasts are shown, then the word "TITS!" pop up and start flashing on the screen)**

"Yeah, baby! Oh yeah, baby!" Sean cheered out as he high fived Brian and Dave. "Oh, oh, OHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) God, that was worth it. Anyway, Dalton doesn't like what Mr. Wesley is doing and unleashes his secret weapon.**

 **(Jimmy appears with a pool cue and drinking a bottle of beer while Yello's** _ **Oh Yeah**_ **starts playing)**

"Jimmy!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Jimmy starts swinging the pool cue and showing off his martial arts moves as he starts beating the crap out of bouncers and a brawl breaks out)**

"Holy shit! MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean yelled out

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme starts playing during the brawl. The music stops when Wesley fires a gun up in the air right when Dalton and Jimmy are fighting)**

 _ **Brad Wesley: Alright, that's enough.**_

"Yo, bartender. Another round for me and my friends." Sean said.

 _ **Wade Garrett: Same town, new story, huh, pal?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Wesley's reign of terror continues when he threatens local car dealership owner Pete Stroudenmire, played by Jon Paul Jones, who refuses to pay him. And this happens.**

 _ **Brad Wesley: Well, what are you waiting for, Gary? Drive through there!**_

 **(Ketchum starts driving his monster truck through the dealership and demolishing the cars in the showroom while people cheer and Dalton and his friends look on)**

 _ **Doc: What the hell is wrong with you, Brad? Have you lost your mind?**_

 _ **Brad Wesley: (About Dalton) He's a drifter, you know. To see you wind up with someone like that, it's a shame.**_

 _ **Doc: This has nothing to do with him.**_

"Why do I get the feeling that Doc Clay used to be married to Brad Wesley? I bet you she used to be married to him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Emmet's farm, Dalton is busy working out while Wade comes to talk to him and tell him that it's time for the both of them to leave town, but Dalton is staying in this town to stop Wesley from terrorizing the townspeople.**

 _ **Wade Garrett: You don't need this.**_

 _ **Dalton: Don't tell me what I need! If you want to go, go. Get the fuck out of here and leave me alone.**_

 _ **Wade Garrett: Yeah, you're right. I ought to stop telling you what to do. Maybe I ought to kick your ass.**_

 **(Dalton tries to punch Wade but Wade stops him from punching him)**

 _ **Wade Garrett: No, we don't wanna do this.**_

"Me and my mustache can easily kick your ass." Sean said before looking at the camera. " _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Wade gives Dalton some words of wisdom.**

 _ **Wade Garrett: You taught me as much as I ever taught you. I love you, miho.**_

"Ugh, I cannot believe I'm going to be making this joke." Sean rolled his eyes and points his finger up.

 _ **Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Doc drops by to talk to Dalton and attempts to persuade him to leave town before Wesley goes after him, but Dalton refuses to leave.**

 _ **Dalton: I know exactly who Brad Wesley is. I have seen his kind many times. He keeps taking and taking until somebody takes him. It's obvious nobody in this town can stand up to him.**_

 _ **Doc: But you can stop him?**_

 _ **Dalton: Brad Wesley picked me. And when he did he fucked up. I am only good at one thing, Doc. I never lose.**_

 _ **Doc: But what are you gonna win? Who's this for anyway? Are you doing it for them?**_

"Well, duh! Yeah! Who do you expect, Batman? Jesus Christ." Sean said.

 _ **Doc: You think you're gonna save these people from Brad Wesley? Well, who's gonna save 'em from you?**_

 **(There's an explosion at Emmet's house)**

"Dalton doesn't need saving, but somebody in that house needs saving." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dalton saves Emmet from the explosion, until he spots…**

 **(We see Jimmy riding on a motorcycle while Yello's** _ **Oh Yeah**_ **starts playing again and the name "JIMMY!", in red bold lettering pops up on the screen)**

"Jimmy, you son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Jimmy laughs and starts driving away)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We now come to the best part of the movie where Dalton and Jimmy duke it in a brutal mixed martial arts fight.**

 _ **Jimmy: Prepare to die.**_

 _ **Dalton: You are such an asshole.**_

"There. We got that _Mortal Kombat_ -style interaction out of the way." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Mortal Kombat Announcer) Round 1. Fight!**

 **(Health bars for Dalton and Jimmy appear on the screen and the two start fighting. With every hit they give each other, their health drops)**

 _ **Jimmy: (Grabs Dalton from behind) I used to fuck guys like you in prison.**_

Sean spits out his beer after hearing what Jimmy said to Dalton.

 **Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) Round 2.**

 _ **Jimmy: Damn, boy. I thought you were good.**_

 _ **Dalton: Go fuck yourself.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) Fight!**

 **(Dalton breaks Jimmy's leg and kicks him in the groin and kicks him in the face. Dalton continues to beat up Jimmy while Jimmy's health on the health bar drops down with every hit)**

 **(Jimmy pulls out a gun)**

 _ **Jimmy: I'm gonna kill you the old-fashioned way.**_

 **(Dalton kicks Jimmy, causing him to miss)**

 **Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) FINISH HIM!**

 **(Dalton kills Jimmy by ripping out his throat with his bare hands and kicks him in the water)**

 **Sean: (V/O as MK Announcer) Fatality! Dalton Wins. Flawless Victory.**

"Dude, he straight up murdered that guy! Okay, that was an awesome fatality. Look, if Shaggy is not going to be the DLC character for _Mortal Kombat 11_ , then it better be Dalton. Imagine him ripping out Johnny Cage's throat. Hey, Ed Boon. Dalton for _Mortal Kombat 11_. Do it." Sean said as he points at the camera. " _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Doc isn't happy with what Dalton has done and she's probably not going to see him anymore after seeing his fatality move on Jimmy. So, Dalton has a little message for Mr. Wesley.**

 _ **Dalton: Wesley! Fuck you!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Brad Wesley) He killed Jimmy. And for that he's gonna pay.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce and he gets a phone call from Brad Wesley, who vows to have either Wade or Elizabeth killed with a flip of a coin. Who does this guy think he is, Two-Face? Then Wade, who's been badly beaten up enters the bar.**

 _ **Dalton: Are you alright?**_

 _ **Wade Garrett: There was only three of 'em. They said I was lucky.**_

"Well, it's a good thing that him and his mustache are alright. He needs to rest up." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sensing that Doc may be in danger, Dalton races to the hospital so she can leave with him but she refuses to leave with him.**

 _ **Doc: I'm not going anywhere with you.**_

 _ **Dalton: Oh, yes, you are. Let's go. Now!**_

 _ **Doc: Forget it.**_

 _ **Dalton: Doc, the man is crazy.**_

 _ **Doc: And you're not?**_

"I have to agree with Doc. She clearly saw you performing a Mortal Kombat-style fatality on Wesley's right-hand man. You think she wants to leave town with you?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Curse of Chucky**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chucky (Voiced by Brad Dourif): Women. Can't live with 'em. Period. (Laughs)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dalton heads back to the Double Deuce so him and Wade can leave town and avoid the wrath of Brad Wesley, but it appears Wesley strikes again when Dalton finds Wade laying on the bar, dead.**

 **(Dalton sees a knife lodged in his chest with a note reading "It was tails.")**

"Nooooo! Not Wade! May him and his mustache rest in peace." Sean laid his head down on the coffee table and starts crying. " _Road House_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy time when Dalton heads down to Wesley's estate, with his henchmen armed to the teeth with 12-gauge shotguns.**

"So, how is Dalton going to do this?" Sean asked.

 **(Dalton drives his Mercedes recklessly towards Wesley's estate as his henchmen start shooting at the car. Ketchum shoots at the car, causing it to explode)**

"Okay, he had the entrance of Ace Ventura and Batman all in one. _Road House_." Sean said as he looks at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They find that Dalton is not in the car but only Ketchum's knife. So the search for Dalton is on as Wesley's men act like the idiot henchmen from the** _ **Batman: Arkham**_ **series. First up is Morgan, who's been killed by Dalton and Carter as well. So, now there's only three left Ketchum, Pat and Tinker. And guess who's next.**

 **(Ketchum tries to attack Dalton with his knife. Dalton kicks the knife out of Ketchum's hand and catches it and stabs Ketchum.)**

 _ **Dalton: Tails again.**_

"And Blade has been killed by his own blade." Sean said.

 **(Pat shoots at Ketchum, who's used as a bullet shield by Dalton, then Dalton throws the knife at Pat, causing him to fall to his death)**

"And the body count rises." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, you have Wesley checking out what's going on after he was hiding somewhere as he sees his men and his nephew dead. So now, it's Tinker's turn. Which ends pathetically.**

 **(Tinker sees a giant taxidermic polar bear coming right towards him and screams while shooting at it)**

 _ **Tinker: Mr. Wesley!**_

 **(The polar bear falls on Tinker, pinning him down)**

"And Dalton has a bit of The Shadow in him. He's striking fear into the hearts of pathetic men." Sean said.

 _ **Dalton: You're made for each other.**_

 **(The title "Road House" pops up on the screen)**

 **Sean: (V/O)** _ **Road House.**_

"Alright, now it's just Dalton and Brad Wesley. Who's going to win this fight . He killed Wade! He has to pay." Sean said.

 **(Dalton tries to attack Wesley. Wesley ends up shooting Dalton in the arm)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What?! Oh, hell no! You don't bring a gun to a fist fight, old man! So, the two of them start fighting in Wesley's trophy room and yes, this 59 year old businessman deserves a final boss health bar for this fight.**

 **(Dalton kicks Wesley in his knee)**

 _ **Brad Wesley: I thought it would be fun to fight you, Dalton. I really did. But now I just don't have the time.**_

 **(Wesley points a gun at Dalton)**

"Oh, my God! He's got a gun!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Dalton kicks the gun out of Wesley's hand. He gains the upper hand and prepares to finish Wesley off the same way he did Jimmy)**

"Do it! Kill him. KILL HIM!" Sean yelled.

 **(Dalton doesn't kill him and releases him as he sees Doc)**

 _ **Doc: (Sees Wesley reaching for his gun) No!**_

"Oh, crap. Dalton's a dead man." Sean said.

 **(Wesley gets shot. We see that Red was the one who fired first. Next, Emmet shoots Wesley as well. The third shot comes from Stroudenmire)**

"Christ, this guy's not dead yet after taking a bunch of shotgun shells from those three guys? Yeah, I'm guessing Brad Wesley has a boss health bar. He wouldn't die." Sean said.

 _ **Tilghman: This is our town, and don't you forget it.**_

"Bitch." Sean said.

 **(Tilghman shoots Wesley with a double barreled shotgun. Wesley dies)**

"Now, that's town justice." Sean said. "Wait."

Sean pulls out his .45 ACP pistol and starts shooting at Wesley off-screen with a few extra shots.

"Just in case." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With law enforcement arriving, the townspeople stash their weapons away, along with the surviving Tinker, to corroborate each other's innocence.**

 _ **Chief of Police (Played by Tom Finnegan): All right. Who's gonna tell me what the hell happened here?**_

 _ **Emmet: I didn't see nothing. You see anything, Pete?**_

 _ **Stroudenmire (Played by Jon Paul Jones): No, I didn't see anything. You see anything, Red?**_

 _ **Red Webster: I didn't see nothing. Not a thing. You see anything, Tinker?**_

 **(Tinker sees the monkeys in Wesley's trophy room, representing see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)**

 _ **Tinker: A polar bear fell on me.**_

"In other words, he ain't seen shit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! We see Cody and his band performing at the bar and then we see Dalton and Doc having a little skinny dipping at the swimming hole and enjoying each other's company, indicating that Dalton is staying for good. Cut and print!**

"And that was _Road House_. And yes, I really enjoyed it." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie has everything you expect from an 80s action movie. You have violence, sex and music. I find it quite enjoyable. It's what you expect from a cliched action movie. You have the tough guy character and the cliched villain who's threating the townspeople. Critics weren't to kind to the film, especially Siskel & Ebert. Some critics consider it so bad that it's good. Yes, the film could be cheesy at times but goddamn it I love it. The movie is a well-polished film and the fight scenes are amazing. Patrick Swayze was awesome as Dalton and yes he's also eye candy to the ladies, Kelly Lynch was sexy as Doc Clay and Ben Gazzara played the villain that you would love to punch in the face. Let's talk about Sam Elliott's character Wade Garrett, he's like the Fred Andrews of the movie and Dalton is like Archie Andrews. It's like the two of them are father and son in some scenes. If they did a remake of this movie and if Luke Perry was still alive, he would play Wade Garrett and K.J. Apa would play as Dalton. And you'll have Mark Consuelos as Brad Wesley and Lili Reinhart as Elizabeth "Doc" Clay. Goddamn it, there's my idea for a **_**Riverdale**_ **story inspired by** _ **Road House**_ **. Yes, there was a direct-to-video sequel called** _ **Road House 2**_ **back in 2006. I never watched the sequel because I heard it sucked, so don't be expecting me to review it. I can tell you one thing… THE ORIGINAL IS BETTER THAN THE SEQUEL! You'll have a great experience and find it to be most entertaining when you watch it. Check it out now if you catch it on a movie channel or find it at your video store. You won't be disappointed.** _ **Road House**_ **gets 4 beer bottles out of 5.**

"Well, that's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Tune in next time when I tell you that every saga has a beginning." Sean said as he leaves the room.

All we hear is the sound of Darth Vader's breathing in the background. Hinting the next movie that Sean is going to review.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Road House.**_

 **And that's all for the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed the** _ **Road House**_ **review and some of the funny bits from the review. Next time, Sean takes a look at** _ **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**_ **for it's 20** **th** **anniversary and asks if the movie should be loved or hated. After the** _ **Star Wars Episode I**_ **review, I will be reviewing either the Sam Raimi classic** _ **Darkman**_ **and it's sequels or do** _ **Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials**_ **. Which one should I do after the Star Wars review? Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you're interested in co-reviewing a movie or a television show with me, feel free to leave me a message. Also, I will be working on new American Housewife one-shots and here are a few ideas and pairings.**

 _ **American Housewife**_ **Story Ideas:**

 _ **Love Lessons**_ **(Brie/Oliver)**

 _ **Owing Taylor**_ **(Oliver/Taylor)**

 _ **Teach Me**_ **(Taylor/Viv)**

 _ **Dancing After Dark**_ **(Taylor/Trip & Oliver/Brie)**

 _ **Private Eyes**_ **(Oliver/Brie)**

 _ **Fantasy Nights**_ **(Oliver/Brie/Taylor)**

 _ **The Ex-Girlfriend**_ **(Oliver/Brie/Gina)**

 _ **The Seduction of Taylor**_ **(Taylor/Brie)**

 _ **Dirty Dancing**_ **(Taylor/Trip)**

 _ **A Brother's Love**_ **(Taylor/Oliver)**

 **Which** _ **American Housewife**_ **story would you like for me to do? I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	60. Episode 56: Star Wars Episode I

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Last time, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewed the Patrick Swayze action fest known as** _ **Road House**_ **. Today, the young critic returns to a galaxy far, far away when he reviews** _ **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**_ **for its 20** **th** **anniversary coming up and sees if it deserves the heat it gets. Now sit back and get ready to experience George Lucas' start of the** _ **Star Wars**_ **prequel trilogy in the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **.**

 **P.S: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**_ **is owned by 20** **th** **Century Fox and LucasFilm and Walt Disney Pictures.**

 **A long time ago, before Disney got their hands on this franchise….**

 **MAYHEM**

 **CRITIC**

 **Episode 56**

 **THE PHANTOM MENACE**

 **Back in the year 1999, George Lucas presented us with the first film in the Star Wars prequels. Fans were totally hyped up for the film when they saw the trailer. When the film was released in theaters, fans were disappointed to how it turned out with bad dialogue and two annoying characters.**

 **It has been the target for critics, they bashed the hell out of that movie. Most critics and fans consider this movie to be the worst out of the franchise. Lucas wanted to make more Star Wars films and more money until Disney gains the rights to the films. It was a dark time for Star Wars fans. Well, then there was The Last Jedi, which fucking sucked balls!**

 **Twenty years ago, a seven-year-old boy went to see the movie with his mother because he was a big Star Wars and he was hyped to see this film. Now, the same boy who's grown into a raging critic at the age of 27 will share his thoughts about the film and rip it a new one. There, now that I got the opening text crawl out of the way, tune in for a new** _ **American Housewife**_ **Tuesday night on ABC and the series finale of** _ **The Big Bang Theory**_ **Thursday on CBS. Now, let's read the goddamn review…..**

We open with the shot of Earth, then the scene cuts to a shot of Sean's house, where we see the young critic sitting in his room watching the trailer for _Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker_. His best friend Brian enters the room and sees him watching the trailer.

"Dude, how many times are you going to keep watching that trailer?" Brian asked.

"As long as they release another trailer for the film." Sean said. "Hmm, let's see what's on my agenda. Let's see. Sunday: the season finales of The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy and the series finale of _Game of Thrones_. Tuesday: a new episode of American Housewife and Thursday: the series finale of _The Big Bang Theory_. Then, the following Tuesday, the season finale of _American Housewife_ , which is the musical episode. Jeez, this month is the month for season finales and series finales. I'll be bored in June to watch some more shows."

"Dude, you're forgetting about the season finale of _Riverdale_." Brian said.

"Oh, yeah." Sean said.

"Plus, Sunday May 19th marks a very special anniversary." Brian said.

"May 19th? What's so special about May 19th? Oh, wait. _Road House_! It's the 30th anniversary for the movie." Sean said.

"You already reviewed _Road House_. Besides, there's another movie that was released in theaters on May 19th. In the year 1999." Brian said as Sean drops his cup of coffee, realizing the day and the year a certain movie's been released.

"May 19th, 1999." Sean said.

The young critic walked over towards his DVD shelf and picked up his Blu-Ray copy of _Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace_ while _Duel of the Fates_ play in the background.

"Time for me to kick George Lucas' ass!" Sean exclaimed as he ran out of his room.

"Wait, Sean. Where are you going? You're still not mad at George Lucas for creating Jar-Jar Binks, are you?" Brian asked.

Sean heads down to his living room and immediately sat down on the couch so he can start his introduction to today's review. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Okay, let's talk about _Star_ _Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace_."

 **(The titles for the movie are shown, along with clips from the movie while the** _ **Star Wars**_ **theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know what you're going to say, "Ugh, are you kidding me? Another review of** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **? Haven't we seen that enough. We don't need another one!". Well, you're getting another one, so bite me. The film was released in theaters on May 19** **th** **, 1999. This was the most important film that came out and everyone was hyped up about. And I was too when I saw the teaser trailer when I saw** _ **The Rugrats Movie**_ **back in 1998. I haven't been this hyped up for a trailer since** _ **Avengers: Endgame**_ **. Don't worry, I won't spoil the movie for you, I already saw the movie twice. Then, the theatrical trailer was released on March 12, 1999, when that god-awful** _ **Wing Commander**_ **movie was released in theaters. Well, I saw the second trailer on PBS. This was the first of the prequel trilogies.** _ **Star Wars**_ **fever was indeed everywhere. You have KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell promoting the movie, there were** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **toys, video games, clothes. I collected some of the figures and the first one I bought was Darth Maul.**

"Why Darth Maul? Because he's awesome!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

 **(More clips from the film are shown as well as footage from the video games on the N64)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I played** _ **Star Wars Episode I : Racer**_ **in the N64 as well as** _ **Star Wars Episode I: Battle for Naboo**_ **. Boy, was this movie hyped up as hell. When the movie came out, well…**

 **(A clip from the film is shown)  
**

_**Jar Jar Binks (Played by Ahmed Best): No, no. Mesa stay. Mesa called Jar Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.**_

Sean sighed a bit after the clip featuring Jar Jar Binks is shown. "Well, the film didn't play out to everyone's expectations. And trust me, I'll talk about the annoying characters."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And for the film's 20** **th** **anniversary, I will be reviewing it as we see how the saga began. This was the start of a trilogy to set up the original trilogy, explaining both how Anakin Skywalker was discovered to become a Jedi and the groundwork that went into play to give birth to the dreaded Galactic Empire, until it leads to the new trilogy.**

"Okay, it sounds like an excellent idea. I mean, you can't mess this up, right?" Sean asked.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): Are you an angel?**_

Sean glared at the camera evily. "I hate you. Anyway, let's take a look at _Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace_ to see if I can keep myself from punching George Lucas in the throat."

 **(The film opens with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so our film opens with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….", and then we get our traditional text scroll. Where's the Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob and Chris Stuckmann when you need them? We see in the text scroll that the taxation of trade routes is upsetting the Trade Federation, as they set up a blockade of battleships around Planet Naboo. So, the Supreme Chancellor sends someone to negotiate with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray, played by Silas Carson. What the Trade Federation don't know is that these two ambassadors are actually Jedi Knights. We're introduced to Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, played by Liam "Darkman" Neeson and his apprentice, a young Obi-Wan Kenobi played by Ewan McGregor.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Ewan McGregor): I have a bad feeling about this.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn (Played by Liam Neeson): I don't sense anything**_

"Oh really, Qui-Gon? It's the beginning of the movie. You don't need to sense that some shit is about to go down." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But their cover is blown when a protocol droid picks them out as Jedi Knights, and the Trade Federation fear that they'll force some kind of settlement. So, Viceroy Gunray contacts Emperor (clears throat) I mean, not the Emperor, Darth Sidious. Darth Sidious is a mysterious Sith Lord and a secret benefactor to the Trade Federation.**

 _ **Darth Sidious: We must accelerate our plans. Begin landing your troops.**_

 _ **Nute Gunray (Played by Silas Carson): My lord, is that legal.**_

 _ **Darth Sidious: I will make it legal.**_

 _ **Nute Gunray: And the Jedi?**_

 _ **Darth Sidious: The chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them immediately.**_

"Make them die a slow and painful death. Like the audience watching this movie." Sean said, imitating Darth Sidious.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the Trade Federation don't know jack shit about subtlety when they start blowing up their aircraft that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan came in and they send their battle droids to kill the Jedi.**

 _ **Battle Droid: (Sees Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's lightsabers) Uh-oh. Blast them.**_

 **(The battle droids start firing their blasters at the Jedi. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan deflects their shots and they start attacking the battle droids)**

"Now, I remember why I love this movie. The lightsaber scenes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, look at how it's done. The fight choreography, it's fast, stylish and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. You can see that Ewan McGregor is having a ball doing this.**

 **(We see Obi-Wan taking out a battle droid with a stylish kill)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) While trying to get the blast doors to the bridge open, the Trade Federation send some Destroyers to eliminator, so Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan use their force speed to get the hell out of there and head to the hangar where they find a droid army getting ready to invade Naboo. So, they stow aboard one of their ships. Meanwhile, the Trade Federation receive a transmission from Queen Amidala via Skype.**

 _ **Nute Gunray: Again you come before us, Your Highness.**_

 _ **Queen Amidala: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.**_

 _ **Nute Gunray: I was not aware of such failure.**_

Sean starts laughing at Nute Gunray's accent. "Oh, my God. Is it just me or does Nute Gunray sound like the City Wok guy from _South Park_? I mean, that is offensive right there. George, buddy. What were you thinking? Giving the Neimoidians East Asian accents. Man, Asians would find that offensive."

 _ **Nute Gunray: (With Tuong Lu Kim a.k.a. the City Wok Guy's voice) Rook! Ifuh somebody orderduh shitty beef, anduh complain because they say they ordereduh shitty shrimp, it's notuh my fault he gets the shitty chicken poured all over hisuh fucking head!**_

 _ **Queen Amidala: Beware, Viceroy. The Federation has gone too far this time.**_

"Any other racial stereotypes to make fun of, Georgie-Boy?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Naboo where we see that the Trade Federation has started their invasion and Qui-Gon runs into the franchise's most despised character, Jar-Jar Binks played by Ahmed Best, and Qui-Gon ends up saving the annoying Gungan from being run over by a droid transport.**

"Shame on you, Qui-Gon. Shame on you." Sean said while pointing to the camera.

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: You almost got us killed. Are you brainless?**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: I spake.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now, get out of here.**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks; No, no, mesa stay. Mesa culled Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant.**_

"Oh, Christ. Kill me. Or better yet, let me kill him because he's so fucking annoying!" Sean exclaimed. "Oh, and I hope you like those first ten minutes of the film because the tone shifts drastically from politics to action to silly characters, then back to politics and action." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now I know you're wondering, "Sean, why are you hating on Jar-Jar Binks?". Look, I'm one of those people who didn't care for the character not because of the racial stereotype of him speaking in a Jamaican accent, it didn't offend me because I didn't know that he was speaking in that accent or the fact that I have something against comic relief. I love comic relief, in this movie and from that character. Well, how it's pulled off in Jar-Jar's case….**

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: (Jumps in the water by doing a flip) Ar, ar, ar! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!**_

"Expect a lot of Jar-Jar bashing from me throughout this review." Sean said.

"I'm all for physical comedy, but how Jar-Jar does it, is just wrong." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jar-Jar leads them to Otoh Gunga, an underwater Gungan city of Naboo and as much as I riff about this movie, I love this scene. It just oozes with atmosphere as we see this underwater city slowly revealed. Props to visual effects supervisors John Knoll, Dennis Muren and Scott Squires and composer John Williams.**

"You guys get an A+++. You deserve it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the city, but there's one teeny tiny little problem regarding Jar-Jar.**

 _ **Captain Tarpals (Played by Steve Speirs): Noah gain, Jar-Jar. Yousa goen tada bosses. Yousa in big dudu dis time.**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Ohh.**_

"Turns out he's been banished from the city. I can see why." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The reason why Jar-Jar has been banished is because of desertion and he gets arrested. So, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan meet up with the Gungan leader Boss Nass, voiced by Brian Blessed.**

 **(A clip from Disney's** _ **Tarzan**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Clayton (Voiced by Brian Blessed): Hiding, are we? Good! I could use a challenge, because after hunting you, gathering up your little ape family will be all too easy.**_

"Yes, you all probably recognize him as the voice of the psycho hunter Clayton in _Tarzan_ , the Ghost of Hamlet's Father in Kenneth Branagh's version of _Hamlet_ and Prince Vultan in _Flash Gordon_." Sean said.

"We learn that the Gungans and humans haven't been on the best of terms, and it's later revealed in the cannon EU novels that the Gungans originally settled the planet before the human Naboo came." Brian said.

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this.**_

 _ **Boss Nass (Voiced by Brian Blessed): Wesa no (shakes his head) carrrre-nn…**_

We cut back to Sean, who immediately gets hit in the face with Boss Nass' salvia after he shakes his head. "Dude, seriously?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Qui-Gon uses his Jedi mind trick on Boss Nass so they can give them a craft on their way to Theed and the quickest way to Theed is by going through the core. And guess who's going with him?**

 **(A picture of Finn is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No.**

 **(A picture of Jyn Erso from** _ **Rogue One: A Star Wars Story**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, not her.**

 **(A photo of Qi'ra from** _ **Solo: A Star Wars Story**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Definitely not Emilia Clarke.**

 **(A picture of Mickey Mouse is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wha? No, no! No!**

"It's not Finn, it's not Jyn Erso, it's not Qi'ra and it's definitely not Mickey Mouse. And if you say Luther from _American Housewife_ , then I will fucking destroy you." Sean said as the photo of Luther the dog creeps away.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Qui-Gon has once again called his Jedi mind powers to free Jar-Jar because of the life debt, something his species take seriously.**

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Better dead here than dead in da core. Yee gods! What mesa saying?**_

"See? he's being funny. He's he making you laugh, huh? Huh? Laugh. Laugh you son of a bitch!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But their sub trip isn't so easy when they travel through the planet core, they have to deal with at least 3 different sea creatures along the way.**

 **(One sea creature, a giant one, eats the other sea creature, releasing their sub)**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: There's always a bigger fish.**_

"Hey, he's had his fair share of sea creatures I'm sure of it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Quick question: how would going through the planet's core is faster than just going on the surface. I mean, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan made it down to the planet the invasion fleet and they could've made it through the capitol city.**

"Let's say that somebody sends two agents to save President Trump in Washington from Russian terrorists and the quickest way to get to the president is by taking a plane and skydiving down to Washington D.C. but instead they end up landing in Indiana." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Casey Jones (Played by Elias Koteas): Oops!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, our heroes and Jar-Jar arrive in Theed after almost getting killed by dangerous sea creatures, you lucky, lucky bastards. But apparently, Viceroy City Sushi over here beat them to the punch and has already captured Queen Amidala.**

 _ **Queen Amidala: I will not cooperate.**_

 _ **Nute Gunray: Now, now, Your Highness. In time, the suffering of your people will persuade you to see our point of view.**_

"And while we're at, let me take you and your people to Panda Express. The sweet and sour chicken is quite delicious." Sean said, imitating Nute Gunray.

 **(A clip from** _ **Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Rebecca Crane (Voiced by Eliza Jane Schneider): That's racist.**_

 _ **Desmond Miles (Voiced by Nolan North): You're racist.**_

"Fun fact: Ben Burtt, the sound designer for the film, at some point dubbed their voices with ESPN guys." Brian said, remembering a bit from the audio commentary.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes sneak into Theed just in time to jump a surprisingly small group of battle droids escorting the Queen. After rescuing the Queen, they make their way into the hangar and escort her to Coruscant so she can tell the Senate about the Trade Federation's illegal invasion. How do they pull this off? They walk up to the battle droids and end up telling them about it.**

 _ **Battle Droid: Halt.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: I'm ambassador to the supreme chancellor. I'm taking these people to Coruscant.**_

 _ **Battle Droid: Where are you taking them?**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: To Coruscant.**_

 _ **Battle Droid: Coruscant? Uh, that doesn't compute. Uh, wait. You're under arrest.**_

"Okay, I wonder who's much more stupider. The battle droids or the stormtroopers. This battle droid couldn't even recognize that they were walking with the person that the federation have captured minutes earlier." Sean said. "The stormtroopers, on the other hand…."

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: A New Hope**_ **is shown, showing one of the stormtroopers hitting their head on the doorway)**

"Yeah, not that bright." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, a little battle droid abuse with lightsabers and force powers doesn't even stop them as the group escapes on the Queen's Royal Starship, but then there's a little problem involving the Trade Federation blockade in their way. So, the Trade Federation open fire and land a few hits damaging the ship's shield generator. I don't know why they don't have the shields up to start with. But we do see a bunch of droids to go out to fix the shields, picking them off one by one until one lone droid fixes it. I wonder who could that mysterious droid be.**

"Let me guess, Luther the dog from _American Housewife_." Sean said, taking a guess.

 _ **Captain Panaka (Played by Hugh Quarshie): R2-D2, Your Highness.**_

 _ **Queen Amidala: Thank you, R2-D2.**_

 **(R2-D2 does a happy chirping beep)**

"Right, R2-D2. Yeah, our favorite adorable little tin trash can. "I knew that. I did. Really."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, there's a little problem with the ship. The hyperdrive was damaged during the escape and they can't reach Coruscant. So, they make a little emergency landing on a planet outside of Federation space, Tatooine. But don't worry, it's only a temporary stop until they can find the parts for repairs. We then see the Queen's servant Padme, played by Natalie Portman, is busy cleaning up R2-D2, until…**

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Hello. Sorry. Husa are yousa?**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Padme (Played by Natalie Portman): I'm Padme.**

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa Jar-Jar Binks.**_

 _ **Padme: You're a Gungan, aren't you?**_

"No, he's about to become a dead Gungan in a minute." Sean said.

 _ **Padme: How'd you end up here with us?**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: My no know. Mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen….**_

"Shut up." Sean said.

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Den boom! Getten berry scared….**_

"Shut up." Sean said once more.

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: …and grabben dat Jedi, and pow- mesa here.**_

"Shut…up…." Sean said for the third time.

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Huh. Mesa getten berry, berry scared.**_

"SHUT UP! God-fucking-dammit! Don't you ever shut up?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They land on Tatooine and while looking around for help, the Queen sends Padme with the away team and boy, isn't it a bitch to walk underneath two burning suns in the scorching hot weather. So, they head down to a spaceport and…**

 **(Jar-Jar steps into some creature poop)**

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Oh! Icky icky goo!**_

"That's nice. Show Jar-Jar stepping into some shit. I'd rather watch him step on a landmine." Sean said.

 **(The scene is shown once again, this time instead of Jar-Jar stepping into some poop, he steps on a landmine and blows up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they reach a small junk shop owned by Watto, voiced by Andy Secombe.**

 _ **Watto (Voiced by Andy Secombe): (Speaking Huttese) What do you want?**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.**_

 _ **Watto: Ah, yes! Nubian. We have lots of that.**_

"Uh, you have a surplus of Egyptian subculture? Is it that type of shop?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Qui-Gon is about to speak business with Watto, we're introduced to another character.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): (To Padme) Are you an angel?**_

"Ugh, that fucking line. And this is coming from the little twerp from Jingle All the Way. Hell, he could've just said this to her.

 **Sean: (V/O as Anakin) Hey, nice ass.**

 _ **Padme: What?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is Anakin Skywalker, played by Jake Lloyd. This is one of the bigger problems with this movie, the portrayal of Anakin Skywalker, who's nine-years-old.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm a pilot, you know?**_

"Fuck you, Ani." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) When the film came out in theaters, a lot of people were giving Jake shit when other children were being mean to him and he said that the films ruined his life that he quit acting altogether. Hell, there was an article in** _ **Newsweek**_ **that Seth Stevenson wrote an article about the movie and took pot shots at Jake Lloyd. I'm not going to make fun of Jake Lloyd, in my opinion he does a great job, it's how his character was written, now that I have a problem with.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: My mom and I were sold to Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us betting on the Podraces.**_

 _ **Padme: You're a slave?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm a person, and my name is Anakin.**_

"Remember that or I'll force choke you." Sean said, imitating Anakin.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Watto has all the parts that they need for their ship, all they have to do is to pay the guy.**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: I have 20,000 Republic dataries.**_

 _ **Watto: Republic credits? Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: (Tries to use Jedi mind trick on Watto) I don't have anything else, but credits will do fine.**_

 _ **Watto: No, they won't.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: (Does the Jedi mind trick once more) Credits will do fine.**_

 _ **Watto: No, they won't! What, you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don't work on me, Only money.**_

"I want you to listen very carefully, Watto. Before this day's over, I will kill you. But before I kill you, I will make you suffer pain so unimaginable. You will wiggle and beg and pray for the gift of death. Eventually, I will give you that gift. But when you wake up in Hell, you won't find peace. You know why, Watto? Because I'll be there waiting for you again, Watto." Sean said, imitating Liam Neeson.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, well. Time for plan B. As they leave the shop, Jar-Jar tries to get himself something to eat, but ends up getting caught trying to steal the frog, until he lets go of it, sending it flying into someone's food, and that person is Sebulba, voiced by Lewis Macleod. Sebulba is a Dug.**

 **(A picture of Doug Funnie from** _ **Doug**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not that Doug.**

 **(A picture of Doug Walker a.k.a. the Nostalgia Critic is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Definitely not that Doug.**

 **(A picture of Doug from KidBehindaCamera is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and laughs) You wish it was that Doug. No, a Dug is an alien species. And right, when he's about to do the impossible, which is killing Jar-Jar, Anakin ends up saving his life. Dammit. But anyway, there's a sandstorm coming and they'll never head the outskirts in time. So, Anakin takes them to his house. And then we see Anakin's latest invention that he's working on, a little protocol droid named C-3PO, voiced by Anthony Daniels.**

 _ **C-3PO (Voiced by Anthony Daniels): (After Anakin turns him on) Where is everybody?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Oops.**_

 **(Anakin puts an eye on C-3PO so he can see better)**

 _ **C-3PO: Hello, I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations. How might I serve you?**_

"Both C-3PO and R2-D2 get along pretty well, although there's one little problem that R2-D2 notices about C-3PO." Sean said.

 **(R2-D2 chirps and bleeps at C-3PO)**

 _ **C-3PO: I beg your pardon, but what do you mean, "naked"?**_

 **(R2-D2 bleeps at C-3PO)**

 _ **C-3PO: My parts are showing? My goodness! Oh!**_

"Jeez, movie. Put a censor bar on C-3PO. I don't want to see his parts. This movie is rated PG for the kiddies." Sean said as a photo of C-3PO with a censored bar covering him is shown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on the outskirts of Tatooine, Queen Amidala receives a message from Sio Bibble, played by Oliver Ford Davies, telling them to contact him. But Obi-Wan senses that it's a trick for the Trade Federation to kidnap the Queen. We then cut to the city-covered planet known as Coruscant, where we see the evil Darth Sidious talking to his apprentice Darth Maul, played by Ray Park and Peter Serafinowicz providing the speaking voice of the character.**

"Fun fact: I actually met Ray Park at the Cincinnati Comic Expo a few years ago and I told him that Darth Maul is my favorite character from the movie. He gave me a Topps collectable coin with Darth Maul on it. He's an awesome guy. And you'll see why Darth Maul is awesome in the movie." Sean said.

 _ **Darth Maul (Played by Ray Park and voiced by Peter Serafinowicz): At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.**_

 _ **Darth Sidious: You have been well-trained, my young apprentice.**_

We then hear the sound of Emperor Palpatine laughing in the background as Sean looks around the living room to see where that creepy-as-hell laughter came from.

"Did anyone else hear that? What was that all about?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Tatooine, Qui-Gon, Padme and Jar-Jar are having dinner with Anakin and his mother Shimi, played by Pernilla August. Shmi explains what happens to slaves who dare escape Tatooine. It turns out that all slaves have a transmitter placed somewhere inside their bodies, any attempt to escape…**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: And they blow you up!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Running Man**_ **is shown, showing an inmate trying to escape. As he escapes, his head explodes)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Boom!**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: How wude!**_

"Hmm, not bad. But, here's my take." Brian said.

 **Brian: (V/O as Anakin) They're rigged to explode. (Snaps fingers) Like that.**

 _ **Shmi Skywalker (Played by Pernilla August): The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must survive on our own.**_

 **(Jar-Jar takes an apple with his tongue and eats it)**

 **Jar-Jar Binks: (Gulps) Xcuse me.**

"All of a sudden, Jar-Jar Binks is imitating Yoshi from _Yoshi's Story_." Sean said.

 **(The scene plays again, this time with Yoshi sound effects right when Jar-Jar takes the apple)**

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: (With Yoshi's voice) Yoshi!**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm the only human who can do it.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race pods.**_

 _ **(Jar-Jar tries to grab an apple but Qui-Gon stops him by grabbing his tongue)**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: Don't do that again.**_

"And if you do that again for laughs, I will find you and I will kill you." Sean said, imitating Qui-Gon Jinn.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anakin then asks Qui-Gon if he's a Jedi Knight after he saw him carrying his lightsaber.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves.**_

"Oh, Ani. You young, naïve little boy. I've seen your future and it involves you, the dark side, Younglings and a PG-13 rating for the film's franchise." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Qui-Gon lets it slip that they're on their way to Coruscant on a very important mission. So, they come up with the dumbest plan unimaginable by placing a bet on Anakin to win a Podrace, which is going down in the next day. So, Qui-Gon heads down to Watto's to make a deal with him.**

 _ **Watto: What would the boy ride? He smashed up my pod in the last race. It will take some long time to fix it.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: It wasn't my fault, really. Sebulba flashed me….**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I do not need to know what Sebulba did to you, ya little twerp. Keep it clean here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Watto accepts the deal. If Anakin wins the race, then Watto gives Qui-Gon the parts for the Queen's ship. If he loses, then he has to give up the Queen's ship. Later, Qui-Gon and Shmi watch as Anakin fixes up his Podracer for the race.**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: Who was his father?**_

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him. I can't explain what happened.**_

"Okay, so Shmi was conceived by The Force, then that means that Anakin is Space Jesus?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, while Anakin is busy fixing up his racer, we get more of Jar-Jar's hilarious antics.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Hey, Jar-Jar. Keep away from those energy binders. If your hand gets caught in the beam, it's gonna go numb for hours.**_

 **Brian: (V/O as Jar-Jar) Numb for hours, he says. Ha! (Lures his mouth onto it) You're pulling my… (Gets zapped) He's right!**

 _ **C-3PO: You know, I find that Jar-Jar creature to be a little odd.**_

 **(R2-D2 gurgles and bleeps)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we get what was known as George Lucas fucking with supernatural fantasy when Anakin's force sensitivity can be easily measured by a blood test that Qui-Gon sends Obi-Wan, and then we get this.**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: I need a midi-chlorian count.**_

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Checks out Anakin's blood sample) The reading is off the chart. Over 20,000. Even Master Yoda doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that high.**_

"Midi-chlorians? Wha? What? Uh, didn't Yoda go on about the Force is in everything? The Force is in the trees, in the rocks, in this fucking couch. Yet, how many midi-chlorians do they have. Look, we already knew how the Force works. It surrounds us and it binds us. The Force penetrates us like me plowing pornographic actress Riley Reid and my girlfriend Taylor in a Brazzers-style threesome." Sean said, then sighs a bit. "God, I cannot believe that I mentioned a porn actress' name and my girlfriend and threesome in the same sentence."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough about midi-chlorians, we see that Darth Maul has arrived on Tatooine and he's looking for the Queen, to capture her so she can sign the treaty. The next day, it's the day of the big race and the bet is kicked up a notch. Qui-Gon bets Watto if Anakin wins, he wins his freedom and he can come with them.**

"Seriously, couldn't you just buy him?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the race is set to begin and Anakin is getting his podracer ready but before the race starts, Sebulba's cheating ass sabotages Anakin's podracer.**

 _ **Sebulba: (Speaking in Huttese) You won't walk away from this one, you bantha-shit eater.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: (Speaking in Huttese) Fuck you, asshole.**_

 _ **Sebulba: (Speaking in Huttese) You're a bantha's dick!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, so much for smack talking, let's start the race.**

 **(Jabba the Hutt bites the head off of the creature and spits the head out on the gong to start the race. The podracers go but Anakin has a little trouble getting his to start up)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Oh, no! No!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dude, you're falling behind. Go.**

 **(Anakin tries to start up)**

"Go." Sean said.

 **(Anakin is still having trouble with his podracer)**

"GO!" Sean shouts as he suddenly gets angry.

 **(Anakin finally starts up his podracer and catches up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this scene? It's fast-paced, action-packed, the sound design is amazing and hell, it can be dangerous at times.**

We cut to Sean, who's now wielding his Nintendo 64 controller, pretending to be controlling Anakin Skywalker in the race like on _Star Wars Episode I: Racer_.

"Come on. Just let me catch up." Sean said.

 **(Anakin tries to get past another racer, but the other racer wouldn't let him pass)**

"Come on, let me pass you stupid fucknugget." Sean said.

 **(Anakin does a flip and goes past the racer)**

"Ha! Suck on my green lightsaber!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the other taken out one by one, some by crashing and some by getting shot at by Tusken Raiders and from Sebulba's cheating ass. Anakin catches up to Sebulba and manages to get the lead and wins the race after Sebulba gets a taste of karma. So yeah, Anakin wins and Qui-Gon gets the parts to repair the ship and the good news is Anakin's finally free. He's no longer a slave!**

"But wait, what about his mother?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, Qui-Gon tried to free Shmi, but Watto wouldn't have it, so she's still a slave. You know, in the next movie, Watto does end up selling Shmi. Since Shmi is unable to go with them, Anakin says his goodbyes. And I have to say, that this is a really well-done scene.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I can't do it, Mom. I just can't do it.**_

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: Ani.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Will I ever see you again?**_

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: What does your heart tell you?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I hope so. Yes. I guess.**_

We cut back to Sean, who's trying to hold back his tears from watching this emotional scene between Anakin and Shmi.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.**_

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: Now, be brave and don't look back. Don't look back.**_

 **(John Williams' music score starts up right when Anakin leaves)**

"Excuse me for a second, I think I got something in my eye. I need to get a tissue… and call my Mom." Sean said as he leaves the living room to grab a tissue.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, holy shit! That scene must be one of the saddest moments ever in the film. Props to Jake Lloyd and Pernilla August for their performance on this scene. You can actually believe that their mother and son. Tell me while watching that scene, you didn't start crying right when Anakin says his goodbyes to his mother.**

"I haven't cried that much since _Avengers: Endgame_ right when…" Sean said and immediately stops talking right when he was about to drop a huge spoiler in the movie. "No, no. I'm not going to spoil Endgame. I don't want millions of readers trying to disembowel me for spoiling the movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anakin and Qui-Gon run to the Queen's ship in the outskirts, when suddenly Darth Maul arrives to capture the Queen and a brief lightsaber duel erupts between the two of them until Anakin and Qui-Gon make their escape.**

 **Sean: (v/o as Darth Maul after he see the ship flying away) Next time, Neeson. Next time.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: What was it?**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: I'm not sure, but it was well-trained in the Jedi arts.**_

 **(R2-D2 beeps)**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: My guess is it was after the queen.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What are we gonna do about it?**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: (Sighs) We shall be patient. Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: (Shakes Obi-Wan's hand) Hi. You're a Jedi too? Pleased to meet you.**_

"He's going to kill you." Sean chuckled with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes finally arrive in Coruscant, where we're introduced to two more characters of the movie. First up, Supreme Chancellor Valorum played by Terence Stamp.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Limey**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Wilson (Played by Terence Stamp): You tell him… you tell him I'm coming. Tell him I'm fucking coming!**_

"What? You think I was going to use that clip?" Sean asked as he points to his right.

 **(A clip from** _ **Superman II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **General Zod (Also played by Terence Stamp): Kneel before Zod!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we're also introduced to a not-so-suspicious looking Senator Sheev Palpatine, played by Ian McDiarmid.**

 _ **Senator Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): It is a great gift to see you alive, Your Majesty. With the communications breakdown, we've been very concerned. I'm anxious to hear your report on the situation. May I present Supreme Chancellor Valorum.**_

 _ **Chancellor Valorum (Played by Terence Stamp): Welcome, Your Highness. It's an honor to finally meet you in person.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Superman**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **General Zod: You will bow down before me!**_

"Palpatine is the senator from Naboo… wait. He's having his own home planet invaded?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then come to what I have to say is like watching paint dry and I find it to be boring. We get boring political bullshit.**

 _ **Senator Palpatine: The Republic is not what it once was. The senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good.**_

"This is what we're dealing with people. We went from awesome lightsaber duels and podracing to boring-as-hell politics." Sean said. 

_**Queen Amidala: Chancellor Valorum seems to think there is hope.**_

 _ **Senator Palpatine: If I may say so, Your Majesty, the chancellor has little real power.**_

Sean tries to stay awake while watching the scene, yawning a bit.

 _ **Senator Palpatine: The bureaucrats are in charge now.**_

 _ **Queen Amidala: What options have we?**_

Sean begins to drift off to sleep as he can't take how boring the scene is. While Sean is asleep. Taylor enters the living room and turns off the television just as Sean wakes up.

"Huh, what? Sure, I'll have the coffee cake." Sean said and sees Taylor. "Hey, Tay. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I see that you're reviewing _The Phantom Menace_." Taylor said as she picks up the DVD case.

"Yeah, I am." Sean said. "Uh, why did you turn off the television. What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing much. I have a little surprise for you." Taylor said.

"What kind of surprise?" Sean asked.

The blonde beauty gave Sean a naughty smirk as she points to where Sean was looking at as another woman with blonde hair and blue eyes walked down the stairs in only lacy baby blue bra and matching panties and white heels. The blonde woman was busty and she had tattoos on her waist as well. The woman was revealed to be adult film star Cali Carter.

"Oh, my God. You brought Cali Carter, one of my favorite porn actresses ever!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

"Hi, Sean. Taylor has told me that you needed a break from reviewing a bad movie and we've decided to give you a little something." Cali said as Taylor walked over towards her and stood next to her.

"Oh, man. I am sooooooo lucky." Sean said.

"Besides, I find you cute and your girlfriend really hot." Cali said as she touches Taylor's body.

"Go ahead, Sean. Tell me and Cali what to do." Taylor said.

"Wait, I can tell you two what to do?" Sean asked.

"That's right. We're making your fantasy about having a threesome with me and Cali Carter happening." Taylor said.

"Yes!" Sean cheered out. "Alright. I want Cali to kiss you right in front of me."

Cali and Taylor both smiled at each other. The busty blonde looked at Taylor's face, licking her lips from the sight of her kissable soft pink lips. Her face was nearing her's, moving closer and closer until….

 _ **Senator Palpatine: You could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum.**_

 _ **Queen Amidala: He has been our strongest supporter.**_

 _ **Senator Palpatine: Our only other choice would be to submit a plea to the courts.**_

Sean wakes up and sees that the movie was still going and the dream of having a threesome with Taylor and Cali Carter was only a dream, which pretty much upsets the young critic.

"GODDAMNIT! It was only a dream and this shit is still going on?! So much for having a Brazzers-style threesome with my girlfriend and my favorite porn star. Thanks a lot, George Lucas! Thanks a lot for ruining my dreams! You know what, I'm getting a sandwich and a beer. I'll be right back." Sean said as he got up from off of the couch to fix himself a sandwich. "Fucking film sucks!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Jedi Temple….**

"I'm sorry. Fuck you, George Lucas! You ruined my dream!" Sean exclaimed while eating a roast beef and turkey sandwich.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan speak with the Jedi Council about their encounter with Darth Maul**

 _ **Mace Windu (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): I do not believe the Sith could have returned without us knowing**_

 _ **Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): Ah, hard to see, the dark side is.**_

"And the Jedi Council consists of a non-CGI-looking Yoda and Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And really? You did not know that the Sith could have returned without you guys knowing. If you found out about it…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Pulp Fiction**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jules (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Qui-Gon then tells the Jedi Council about Anakin and they agree to test him. Meanwhile, we cut to the Senate Building where Queen Amidala pleads her people's case to Chancellor Valorum and the Galactic Senate. And we get to sit through more boring political bullshit. Christ, I feel like I'm watching CNN!**

 _ **Senator Palpatine: A tragedy has occurred which started right here with the taxation of trade routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Trade Federation.**_

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Star Wars C-Span." Sean said.

 **(The C-Span logo pops up on the screen)**

 _ **Queen Amidala: Honorable representatives of the Republic, I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The Naboo system has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade…**_

 _ **Trade Federation Representative: I object! There is no proof! This is incredible. We recommend a commission be sent to Naboo to ascertain the truth.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) This scene takes forever. We have to sit through this long-ass political debate in the Senate just to get the Chancellor out of office.**

 _ **Senator Palpatine: (On Chancellor Valorum) The true rulers of the Republic. And on the payroll of the Trade Federation, I might add. This is where Chancellor Valorum's strength will disappear.**_

"Look, to make this short and simple, here's what I will do to get Chancellor Valorum out of office." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: Honorable delegates. Fellow senators, it's come to my attention that Chancellor Valorum…**

 _ **Chancellor Valorum: Will you defer your motion to allow a commission…**_

 **Sean: Shut the hell up and let me finish. I have found some shady evidence involving the Chancellor. What I have here are photos of Chancellor Valorum and you will not like what you'll see here. It is not beautiful. I have here (pulls out a photo of Terence Stamp as General Zod with a machine gun in Superman II) is a photo of Chancellor Valorum killing Secret Service agents with a machine gun while going after the President. (Pulls out another photo. This time, it's a photo of Terence Stamp as the transgendered woman Bernadette Bassenger in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is shown) In this photo, Chancellor Valorum moonlights as a drag queen!**

 **(Senators murmuring and shouting. We then see Chancellor Valorum sitting down)**

 _ **Senators: Vote now! Vote now! Vote now! Vote now!**_

 _ **Senator Palpatine: Now they will elect a new chancellor, a strong chancellor, one who will not let our tragedy continue.**_

 **Sean: Yeah, someone like you.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"There! I fixed the movie!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Anakin is taking the Jedi test and he's passed with flying colors, but Yoda played by Frank Oz, senses something else inside the young lad.**

 _ **Mace Windu: Be mindful of your feelings.**_

 _ **Ki-Adi-Mundi (Played by Silas Carson): Your thoughts dwell on your mother.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I miss her.**_

 _ **Yoda: Mmm. Afraid to lose her, I think, mmm?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What has that got to do with anything?**_

 _ **Yoda: Everything. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.**_

"Huh? What? What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

 _ **Yoda: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.**_

"What the hell does that even mean?" Sean asked. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. You're not making any sense here."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Jedi Council decides to not to train Anakin for several reasons. But why? What's the main reason given?**

 _ **Mace Windu: He is too old.**_

"He is too old? The kid is nine-years-old. Fucking nine! How can you not train him? He's just a kid. It's just like me buying a six-pack of Heineken but the cashier couldn't ring it out for me because I'm too old to buy it. You Jedi are not making any sense here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Qui-Gon wants to train Anakin but the code forbids him to take on a second Padawan. Why couldn't he just take on a second Padawan? Obi-Wan is ready. See, it's idiots like you guys I just want to slap in the face. But now is not the time because Queen Amidala wants to return to Naboo to free her people and she needs protection. So, right when they were about to leave for Naboo, Qui-Gon regales Anakin about the tale of midi-chlorians.**

 **Qui-Gon Jinn: Midi-chlorians are a microscopic life-form that resides within all living cells.**

"Oh, this is bullshit! You can kiss my ass, George Lucas. That's right, you can kiss my natural black ass! Does anybody remember this from The Empire Strikes Back?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yoda (Again performed by Frank Oz): (On the Force) Life creates it, makes it grow. It's energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rocks, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.**_

"In other words, George Lucas is pulling stuff from out of his ass and just throwing it in the movie." Sean said.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: They live inside me?**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: Inside your cells, yes.**_

"Shut up, I don't even care." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that bullshit tale about midi-chlorians, our heroes arrive on Naboo and asks for the Gungans for help and then we get this little bombshell when Padme reveals a little something about herself.**

 _ **Padme: Your Honor.**_

 _ **Boss Nass: Whosa dis?**_

 _ **Padme: I am Queen Amidala.**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Huh?**_

Sean does a spit take after hearing that Padme is Queen Amidala.

 **(A clip from** _ **Impractical Jokers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Sal Vulcano: What the what?!**_

 _ **Padme: This is my decoy.**_

"And your decoy is Keira Knightley from the movies." Sean said.

 _Pirates of the Caribbean_

 **Sean: (Narrating) She asks, well begs Boss Nass' assistance to help them against the Trade Federation. So, the battle against the Trade Federation is on the way as the Gungans position themselves outside of Theed to draw the droid army's attention while Padme, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Anakin and Captain Panaka… wait what?! Anakin? He's here with them instead of leaving him on Coruscant?**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: Once we get inside, you find a safe place to hide and stay there.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Sure.**_

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: Stay there.**_

"Qui-Gon, you do realize that you're bringing a nine-year-old into a goddamn war zone, right?" Sean asked.

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: Yes.**_

Sean stayed silent for a bit before talking. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that. I hope that something bad happens to you."

Sean's phone started ringing as the young critic picks up his phone, seeing that it's an unknown number before answering it.

"Hello?" Sean asked.

 **(A sound clip from** _ **Taken**_ **is heard)**

 _ **Bryan Mills (Played by Liam Neeson): I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.**_

"Hey, look. What you're doing in the movie was pretty idiotic in your part." Sean said.

 _ **Bryan Mills: But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.**_

"Uh… uh… look, I'm very, very sorry. I mean, there's no need to threaten me like that. I apologize, Mr. Neeson." Sean said.

 _ **Bryan Mills: I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.**_

"Allow me to finish, I apologize that your character's a fucking idiot. And with all do respect, Mr. Neeson, you're not as tough as you act in your movies, you pussy!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Bryan Mills: I will look for you, I will find you… and I will kill you.**_

Sean shrieks and ends the call after Liam Neeson threatens him. "Note to self: never bad mouth Liam Neeson."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that blatant jump of stupidity costing me my sanity, Qui-Gon tells Anakin to stay in the cockpit of the Naboo starfighter as guess who shows up.**

 **(The doors open, revealing Darth Maul)**

 **(A sound clip from Lego Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Out is heard)**

 **Darth Maul (Voiced by Sam Witwer) (Singing to Duel of the Fates) I am… awesome. Awesome. Awesome!**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn: We'll handle this.**_

"Okay, so Queen Amidala and her soldiers head out to capture the Viceroy, leaving Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to deal with the most awesome character of the franchise in what I have to say that this is the most awesome lightsaber duel ever." Sean said.

 **(Darth Maul pulls out a lightsaber, revealing it to be a dual-bladed lightsaber)**

"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed as his eyes widened in shock. "I've never seen anything like that. This is why Darth Maul is fucking awesome! He's more awesome than the kid who's going to grow up to become a hulking behemoth in a gimp suit." Sean said, mentioning Anakin becoming Darth Vader.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, as much as I want to talk about this awesome lightsaber duel, complete with the epic Duel of the Fates track, but I got to talk about the other battles going on. We have the Gungans and Jar-Jar, who's promoted to general for some odd reason, taking on the battle droids and with him being inept in combat. Luckily, he didn't even kill himself while in combat but ends taking enemies out accidentally. While in space Anakin gets caught in the battlefield because of autopilot when a bunch of Naboo starfighters go up against the Trade Federation and Anakin ends up flying inside the droid control ship. And Padme leads the search for Viceroy Gunray. Anyway, let's get back to that tense lightsaber fight as we see Obi-Wan trying to catch up with Qui-Gon and Darth Maul.**

 **(Darth Maul hits Qui-Gon in the face with his lightsaber, then mortally wounds him by stabbing him in the torso)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: No!**_

 **(We get a montage of different characters from the** _ **Star Wars**_ **movie like** _ **The Empire Strikes Back,**_ _ **Solo: A Star Wars Story**_ **,** _ **Revenge of the Sith, The Force Awakens**_ **and** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **are shown)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): No!**_

 _ **Beckett (Played by Woody Harrelson): No!**_

 _ **Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): Noooooo!**_

 _ **Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): No!**_

 _ **Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver): NOOOOOO!**_

"Okay, that was the longest "Noooooo!" coming from Obi-Wan right there." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Qui-Gon kicking the bucket, Obi-Wan is going to have a tough time dealing with the dangerous Sith apprentice. We see that things aren't looking too good as Jar-Jar and the Gingans surrender to the Trade Federation and Padme and Panaka and their team get captured by Viceroy Gunray until her decoy comes in and saves the day and they end up capturing Gunray. Anyway, back to Ani as he suddenly destroys the main reactor of the Federation droid control ship, deactivating the droid army in the process and saving Jar-Jar's life. What a surprise. Back with Obi-Wan, he's having a devil of a time dealing with Darth Maul until…**

 **(Obi-Wan uses the Force to propel himself from out of the pit and equips himself Qui-Gon's lightsaber, then bisects Darth Maul. The two separate pieces of Darth Maul fall into the shaft)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Sean, who is playing a janitor, is busy sweeping the floor until the two separate pieces of Darth Maul land on the ground)**

 **Sean: What the? I got to get that transfer to Coruscant.**

 **(Sean starts sweeping up Darth Maul)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Oh, I'm sure that he'll fine." Sean said, mentioning Darth Maul surviving.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! Nute Gunray is arrested, Palpatine is elected as the new supreme chancellor and Obi-Wan and Yoda meet up to discuss about him taking Anakin as his apprentice because the plot says so, then we cut to Qui-Gon's funeral.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What will happen to me now?**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: The council have granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi, I promise.**_

"Oh, yeah. He will be a Jedi, the most brutal Jedi ever." Sean said.

 _ **Mace Windu: There's no doubt the mysterious warrior was a Sith.**_

 _ **Yoda: Mmm. Always two there are. No more, no less. A master and an apprentice.**_

 _ **Mace Windu: But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?**_

 **(The camera pans over to Senator Palpatine)**

"I got my eye on you Palpatine." Sean said, pointing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends as Queen Amidala presents a gift to Boss Nass and the Gungans and Boss Nass proclaims…**

 _ **Boss Nass: Peace!**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Ya-hoo!**_

 **(The cheering continues. Padme looks over at Anakin. Anakin smiles at Padme and Padme smiles back at him)**

"Ohhhhh, when he gets older she's definitely going to be playing with his lightsaber in bed. If you know what I mean." Sean winked at the camera naughtily. "Also, he's gonna kill you."

 **(The film ends with "Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS" on the screen)**

"And that was _Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace_ and I'm gonna level with you guys, I think it was an okay-ish film." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's start with the positives first: the action was awesome, John Williams' score was epic, the visual effects are amazing for a film made in 1999. And yes, the film has the most badass villain ever. Let's not forget Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor's performances as Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi. There are a lot of neat landscapes in this and the worlds are both creative and beautiful to look at like Naboo and Coruscant. Now, let's talk about what needs to be improved. Jar-Jar can be quite annoying, I don't have a problem with Jake Lloyd, he gives a really great performance in my opinion but how Anakin is written, I just felt that George Lucas needed to do better. And it can get boring at times as well but I can find it seem interesting just to see Palpatine being a master manipulator at work. Now, a lot of you might ask me if I hate this movie, I don't. I loved most of it even though it can annoy me at times but I still loved it. I don't think it's the worst of all the prequels. In fact, the award for the one being the worst in the series is Attack of the Clones and trust me, we'll get to that trainwreck soon enough. If you're the rare part of Star Wars fans that like this movie, enjoy it. That's why I'm giving** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **3 duel-bladed lightsabers out of 5.**

"Well, that's all the time we have. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time. And let's not think about midi-chlorians." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Are you an angel?**_

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **review of** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed reading this. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, it's that time again. That's right, Sean is going to take a look at more commercials in** _ **Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials**_ **. Then after** _ **Commercials II**_ **, Sean reviews the 1998 film** _ **Godzilla**_ **in honor of the upcoming movie** _ **Godzilla: King of the Monsters**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to assist me in Commercials II, feel free to help out. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	61. Episode 57: Commercials II

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my friends. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's that time again, today Sean the Mayhem Critic and his friend Lucas are going to take a look at more nostalgic commercials from the 80s and 90s in** _ **Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy reading the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.**

 **Episode Fifty-Seven**

 **Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials**

It was yet another afternoon, yet it was a rainy afternoon as our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, is seen sitting on his living room couch and flipping a TV channel and eating some Ritz Bits cheese cracker sandwiches before addressing to the camera.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Well, I'm sitting on my couch, got my snacks, I got my Cap'n Crunch T-shirt on; that can only mean one thing. Commercials are back, baby!"

 **(Clips from various nostalgic commercials are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all thought it was a pretty weird idea for me to review commercials when I did Commercials I last year. Hey, they're a lot of fun to watch and their hilarious to laugh at them, so why not talk about them? We remember them from the 80s and 90s and we can still talk about them. They're such candy-coated treats of fun and I'm gonna talk about them again.**

"And I got a little treat for you, I decided to have someone co-host this son of a bitch with me. So joining me on this little adventure is my good old friend from the Mortal Kombat movie reviews, UltimateWarriorFan4Ever!" Sean replied as Lucas came jumping through the camera.

Lucas of course, was dressed just the same as Sean except he was wearing his Led Zeppelin t-shirt and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajama pants. And except of Ritz Bitz cheese cracker sandwiches, he brought a big bag of new Flamin' Hot Doritos with him to eat.

"Hey, nice to be here, man." Lucas nodded with a wink, "Since this is pretty much the second commercials special you're doing, I managed to choose ourselves some pretty hefty good candidates for us. And spoiler alert: None of them involves some singing raisins, so sorry to those who were expecting them!"

"And I got a little treat for you, I'm we're gonna take a look at 'em again. So, welcome to part two of the commercials segment. Since I called the last one _Commercials I: The Phantom Men_ ace, I'm calling this one _Commercials II: Attack of the Commercials_. Roll it!" Sean smiled.

 **(We see an ABC Saturday Morning bumper featuring the dog What-a-Mess from 1994, a Fox Kids Network bumper from 1992 featuring Dynamo Duck, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, a CBS Saturday Morning bumper featuring Felix the Cat and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 is shown)**

 **(TV static transitions to:** _ **Diet Coke**_ **commercial)**

 **(We see the Batmobile driving, then we cut to Stately Wayne Manor)**

 _ **Alfred (Played by the late Michael Gough): (On the phone) Hello, Gotham Corner Store?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all probably remember that commercial. This was shown on the VHS release of Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **, for those of you who used to own the movie on VHS. We see that Alfred, played by Michael Gough, is calling the Gotham Corner Store while we cut to the shot of the Batmobile driving at night via clips from the movie.**

"Why could Alfred be calling the Gotham Corner Store?" Sean asked.

 _ **Alfred: We seem to be down to our last Diet Coke.**_

 **(We see that Alfred is holding a can of Diet Coke)**

"That's the problem? You have the last Diet Coke?" Sean asked.

"Next thing you know, Alfred's gonna probably gonna call the Corner Stote to see if any Viagra's left." Lucas said with a shrug.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we see Batman driving to the Gotham Corner Store to buy some more Diet Coke. I thought it was Alfred's job to buy the Diet Coke. Why isn't he getting it? Well, because Alfred's about to pour himself a nice glass of Diet Coke.**

 _ **Alfred: A gentleman is on his way to pick some up. (Alfred pours himself a glass) Just look for a black car. No, this black car will be rather difficult to miss.**_

"Yeah, I doubt that someone who's working at the corner store would spot the Batmobile speeding through the city because of Batman's fix for Diet Coke." Sean said.

 **Sean: (v/o as Batman while driving) Diet Coke! Diet Coke! Diet COOOOOOOOKE! Get the fuck out of my way, I want my DIET COOOOOOOKE!**

"Batman's gonna cause a major car accident trying to get the precious Diet Coke." Sean said.

"This kinda makes me wonder something," Lucas said with such thought, "Is Batman really hooked on Diet Coke? I swear, someone call Suicidal Tendencies so that they can remake the song "Institutionalized" in which instead of a junkie being hooked onto Pepsi, let's have Batman hooked onto some diet Coke without people around him thinking he's on drugs all the time. Oh, and not to mention crazy."

 _ **Alfred: And by the way, the gentleman is usually in quite a rush.**_

 **(The Batmobile stops in front of the corner store)**

"Better give Batman the 12-pack of Diet Coke quick, or he'll kick your ass. You don't want to get on his bad side, trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I have a quick question: is that the last can of Diet Coke that was meant for Bruce that Alfred is going to drink? I think it is! Alfred, what are you doing? Don't drink that, that was meant for Bruce.**

"First, he brings Vicki Vale in the Batcave. And now he's drinking Batman's last can of Diet Coke. Boy, he just wants to get his ass kicked by Batman." Sean said.

However, while Sean wasn't looking, Lucas let out a huge nervous gulp as he weakly put his can of Diet Coke away without Sean noticing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A classic commercial promoting the most awesome superhero movie of the 80s and to get your fix of (In his Batman voice) DIET COOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKEEEEEEE!**

 **(Alfred sips his glass of Diet Coke)**

 _ **Singers: Just for the taste of it. Diet Coke.**_

 _ **Alfred: Ahhhh.**_

 **Sean: (v/o as Batman): Give my fucking Diet Coke!**

 **(TV static transitions to:** _ **Fantasy Girls**_ **phone ad)**

 **(We see an attractive blonde woman laying in bed and picking up her phone)**

 _ **Announcer: Don't just think about a fantasy tonight. Pick up the phone and call the Fantasy Girls.**_

"Well, hellooooooooo nurse!" Sean exclaimed with a naughty smirk on his face.

"Hell yeah, I can drink to that!" Lucas nodded.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you remember those naughty 1-900 phone ads that they show late at night? They want us guys to call hot, horny babes to share their most innermost sexual desires.**

 _ **Announcer: You'll always get a different girl and fantasy every time you call. Hot, hot fantasy in the privacy of your own home.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I don't know what's funnier: the fact that these were sexy enough to get people to call back then or the fact that somebody thought it'd be sexy enough to get somebody to call that number.**

 **Sean: (v/o as female announcer) Would you like to share your sexual fantasies with us tonight? Then pick up the phone and call Fantasy Girls. Our hot, sexy women would love to talk to you. You'll get a fantasy from one of our girls. Just pick up the phone, you horny bastard, and call us now.**

 _ **Announcer: Just $10 a call. For adults only.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, just $10 a call just to share your fantasies with some hot chick.**

"Hey, unless you have porn stars like Dakota Skye, Alina Li, Maddy O'Reilly, Riley Reid and Casey Calvert wanting you to share your sexual desires over the phone or online, just watch their videos on porn sites and come up with a great fantasy. Me, I like to fantasize about banging Natalia Starr in front of Taylor. Or I can fantasize about Taylor and her brother's girlfriend Brie lezzing it up like Juelz Ventura and Celeste Star in _Penthouse's Infidelities_." Sean said. "Check it out, it's hot!"

"Definitely works for me," Lucas nodded as he said, "Just last night, I was in my happy place being in this big-ass hot tub and somehow, Romi Rain, Anna Bell Peaks, Nikki Benz and Alura Jenson all joined me and were onto me like zombies waiting to turn Jill Valentine into a sandwich. Man, do I love smut."

 _ **Announcer: Call a Fantasy Girl in your area now.**_

 **(TV static transitions to:** _ **Micro Machines**_ **commercials circa 1980s)**

 _ **Micro Machines Man: (Talks very quickly) This is the Micro Machines Man presenting the most midget miniature motorcade Micro Machines…**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember the Micro Machines commercials? They have the Micro Machines Man talking about Micro Machines. This is the Fast Talking Guy himself John Moschitta Jr., he started off as the Fed-Ex Man in the Fed-Ex commercial and moved onto a little toy line called Micro Machines. I don't know if they're still around or not.**

 _ **Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) The new Micro Machines Super City Toolbox playset. Closed as a mild-mannered toolbox. Open, it's a Micro Machine USA. Cruise your mini Micro Machine vehicles, planes and boats through the police station, the marina, the mini motorcycle repair shop, the gas station, the construction office, work the real-working drawbridge, highway passage, garage doors or take your Micro Machine flying machine in for a landing, phew! This place has it all.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Man, this guy is amazing. He gets out all the information you need in seconds. Literally.**

"No shit, he brings out more information than a frickin' telemarketer." Lucas nodded out.

 _ **Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) The new Micro Machines aircraft carrier playset.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Every time he comes on TV, you try to figure out what in the world is he saying because he's talking too damn fast. I try to figure out what he's trying to say.**

Both Sean and Lucas sit on his couch and watch as the Micro Machines Man continued to talk fast.

 _ **Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) The Micro Machines cargo plane playset, that holds 15 Micro Machines with amazing mini….**_

"Huh, what? What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

"Sean, I've invited Brian, Cheryl, Brie, Oliver and Lucas over for dinner. Want me to bring out the wine?" Taylor asked.

"Quiet, woman. I'm trying to figure out what he's saying." Sean said.

"Yeah, go do something other women do like, I don't know, watch soap operas or something." Lucas said, air-swatting away as well.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Man, you can thank God that he's not doing audio books. Can you imagine him doing an audio book for** _ **Fifty Shades of Grey**_ **?**

We then cut to Taylor, who's sitting in Sean's bedroom, listen to an audio tape of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ on her Kindle.

 **Sean: (v/o as John Moschitta Jr. as the Narrator while talking very fast) "Aahh." I moan falling forward from the exquisite relief of his touch. I brace myself on rigid arms, my hands flat on the bed just above his head. He takes full advantage of my…**

"Jeez! How can I get aroused from this? The guy is talking too fast." Taylor said as she takes of her earbuds.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, these commercials were awesome and he's awesome too. Let's hope that Micro Machines make a big comeback just so we can hear him talk about them very fast.**

 _ **Micro Machines Man: (Talks quickly) Remember, if it doesn't say Micro Machines, it's not the real thing.**_

 **(TV static transitions to: Super Nintendo commercial circa 1991)**

 **(We see a man walk through an empty drive-in with a dark trenchcoat wrapped around him.)**

"Well, who on earth could be walking inside an empty drive-in theater this late at night?" Lucas asked with his eyebrow raised.

"I don't know, but it looks like one of those sex offenders in weird trenchcoats." Sean replied.

 **(We see a guy, portrayed by Paul Rudd, putting an Super Nintendo cartridge into the Super Nintendo console, which is displaying the video game** _ **F-Zero.**_ **A crowd of people soon appears and watches the guy play from the cage.)**

"Well, what do you know, it's Ant-Man playing a Super Nintendo!" Sean exclaimed, "Man, the 90's were sure something."

"And that trenchcoat is something too. Did he raid Sting's closet or pretty much Eric Draven's?" asked Lucas.

 **Sean: *Narrating* Yes, before he was in movies such as** _ **Clueless**_ **,** _ **The 40-Year Old Virgin**_ **and** _ **Ant-Man,**_ **a young-cut Paul Rudd got one of his earlier roles in this commercial promoting the ever-awesome Super Nintendo. Now, that's fucking amazing.**

 **(A montage is then shown of various Super Nintendo games such as** _ **Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past, StarFox, Final Fantasy III and EarthBound.**_ **)**

 **Lucas: *Narrating* What else is left to say about the Super Nintendo? The Super Nintendo was awesome for what it was, and it's still awesome to this very day especially with the release of the Super Nintendo Classic Edition we had two years later. They were 16-bit, had excellent sound, graphics, presentation, gameplay. This was definitely the NES all frickin' grown up with a Bart Simpson attitude. But with better graphics.**

 **(The scene switches back to the trenchcoat guy playing various games such as** _ **F-Zero, Super Play Action Football, Pilotwings, Sim City**_ **and** _ **The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past**_ **with a smile on his face. The Narrator soon talks over at the same time the crowd stands behind the trenchcoat guy.)**

 _ **Announcer: When you decide to step up to this kind of power, this kind of challenge, this kind of flying, crashing feeling, when you decide to get serious, there's only one place to come.**_

"And spoiler alert: It's not Brazzers nor BangBros." Lucas said to the camera.

 _ **Announcer: The games of Super Nintendo. No one creates this kind of experience. Because no one creates these kinds of games.**_

"Unless if their last name is Miyamoto." Sean winked, referring to Super Mario Bros. creator Shigeru Miyamoto while the same time a picture of him popped up between both Sean and Lucas.

 **(The scene then rewinds back to the kids standing right behind the trenchcoat guy.)**

"Plus, and I really don't mean to intrude, but when are those kids ever gonna have a turn?" Sean asked a bit sternly. "I mean, crap. Paul's not gonna have the whole entire Super Nintendo all to himself."

"Can you really imagine how this scene really could've gone down?" Lucas asked Sean, "I kinda wonder what it would have been like?"

 **(The entire scene then switches back to the Super Nintendo commercial in which Lucas is now being dressed as the Trenchcoat guy while Sean, Brian and Oliver are dressed up as teenagers standing right behind Lucas.)**

"Hey dude, are you gonna stand there all night playing _F-Zero_?" An annoyed Sean asked Lucas, "C'Mon, I want a turn too!"

Lucas then turned his eyes to Sean and said, "Hey, you know the rules, bro! No annoying me while I drive!"

"You've been playing the same damn race for the 15th time now! Can I least give it a try as well?" Brian said to Lucas, who was now getting annoyed by the teens around him.

"It's my fault this course is so damn hard!" Lucas shouted to Brian.

Fed up with Lucas's attitude, Oliver tried to get a hand on the controller and said, "That's it, I'm snatching that controller!"

"How about I kick you in the snatch?" Lucas growled to Oliver before punching him out.

But then all of a sudden, Lucas, Sean, Brian and Oliver start beating the crap out of each other with punches and kicks all over, therefore ending this dream on a brawl.

 **(The scene switches back to both Sean and Lucas, who were finished pondering about the possible end of the commercial.)**

"Oooooh, that definitely wouldn't be pretty." Sean shook his head in return.

"The Super Nintendo Entertainment System, rotting every 8-year old brain and starting friendly fistfights since 1991." smirked Lucas. "And it's well worth it."

 _ **Announcer: Now you're playing with power. SUPER POWER!**_

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **This Is Your Brain on Drugs**_ **public service announcement circa 1987)**

 **(We see a middle aged guy, portrayed by John Roselius, cross his arms while looking to the camera as if it was a person's POV)**

 _ **Guy: Is there anyone out there who still isn't clear about what doing drugs does?**_

Lucas then raised his hand and said, "Yeah, I got several examples of those. It can either turn you into a cheating pervert like ProJared, an orange-skinned ape of a president called Donald Trump or basically Nick Nolte before his infamous mugshot."

"Or basically turn them into Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones." Sean shrugged out.

 _ **Guy: Okay, last time.**_

 _ **(Guy walks over to the table and holds up an egg.)**_

 _ **Guy: This is your brain.**_

 **Lucas: *Narrating* No, that's an egg.**

 _ **(Guy then points to a frying pan)**_

 _ **Guy: This is drugs.**_

 **Sean: *Narrating* That's a frying pan, asshole. I swear, you need help.**

 _ **(Guy then breaks an egg and fries it on a frying pan. He then shows it to the entire camera.)**_

 _ **Guy: This is your brain on drugs.**_

"I'm pretty sure it's just an egg frying in a pan," Lucas nodded out before saying, "You trying to cook breakfast or something?

"Yeah, I'm a bit hungry watching that." Sean also said, nodding to the camera.

 **Sean: *Narrating* Actually, we're just messing around with the guy. For those of you who were grown up in the 80's, this is the popular** _ **This Is Your Brain on Drugs**_ **campaign commercial from 1987 showing what happens to those who end up getting hooked on drugs. Of course, that wasn't the only PSA to happen in 1987.**

 **Lucas: *Narrating* If you want to know what kind of other PSA we're talking about, well, here it is.**

 **(The scene switches to the "I Learned It By Watching You" PSA in which a kid's father is holding up a box filled with drugs.)**

 _ **Moustached Father: Who taught you how to do this stuff?**_

 _ **Teenager (played by Reid MacLean): *angrily to Dad* YOU ALRIGHT? I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!**_

"Crap, that kid should've waited at least a few years before he tried that shit." Lucas shook his head.

"Nowadays, it's mostly legal today," Sean nodded, "I heard medical marijuana's now the stuff."

 **(The scene switches back to the** _ **This Is Your Brain On Drugs**_ **guy who puts the frying pan back on the stove.)**

 _ **Guy: Any questions?**_

"Yeah, I got one," Sean raised his hand before saying, "Can we look at the one from 1997?"

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **This Is Your Brain on Drugs**_ **public service announcement circa 1997)**

 **(We see a short-haired teenage girl, played by Rachael Leigh Cook, hold up an egg while standing next to a stove.)**

 _ **Teenage girl: This is your brain.**_

 **Lucas: *Narrating* That's still an egg.**

 **(The girl then holds up a frying pan.)**

 _ **Teenage Girl: And this… is heroin.**_

 **Sean: *Narrating* And that's still a frying pan.**

 **(The girl places the egg on the counter.)**

 _ **Teenage Girl: This is what happens to your brain after snorting heroin.**_

 **(The teenage girl then smashes the bottom of the frying pan, smashing the egg into pieces.)**

"DAMN!" Both Sean and Lucas yelped.

Lucas then spoke in sanity, "That egg just got Gallagher'd!"

 **(The girl then holds up the bottom of the frying pan with egg pieces and yolk shattered all around it.)**

 _ **Teenage Girl: And this… is what your body goes through.**_

"Same thing happened to me when I watched _Avengers: Endgame_." Sean nodded before replying, "And no, I'm still not spoiling everything."

 **Lucas: *Narrating* This time everyone, that old** _ **This Is Your Brain on Drugs**_ **classic gets a 90s makeover. But this time, it involves a very pre-** _ **She's All That**_ **Rachael Leigh Cook destroying the ever-loving shit out of an egg like Shao Kahn smashing someone's head to pieces with his trusty hammer.**

 _ **Teenage Girl: Wait… it's not over yet.**_

"Hold up? You mean there's more?" Lucas raised his eyebrow to the camera.

 _ **Teenage Girl: This is what your family goes through!**_

 _ **(The girl then swings toward the dishes, breaking them into pieces.)**_

"HOLY CRAP!" Sean loudly shrieked.

 _ **(She then starts breaking everything around the kitchen including the kitchen sink, the wine glasses, the clock, a beer pitcher and a ceiling lamp)**_

 _ **Teenage Girl: And your friends! And your money! And your job! And your self-respect! And your future! And your life.**_

Sean and Lucas both become horrified seeing this that they cower in fear, holding onto their seats on the couch.

"Okay, yes, we get it!" Lucas shouted out, "Can you please stop destroying shit right now!?"

Sean then shuddered nervously as he said, " _She's All That_? More like _SHE'S FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD_!"

 **(The girl then finally sets the frying pan right on the stove.)**

 _ **Teenage girl: *calmer* Any questions?**_

"Yeah, I got one." Lucas said, weakly raising his hand before pointing to the camera and saying nervously, "Y-y-y-you gonna eat that?"

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **WWF Wrestling Buddies**_ **commercial circa 1991)**

 **(We see two police cops riding in their police car when they see a house shaking.)**

 _ **Cop #1: Holy cow!**_

 _ **Cop #2: Let's check it out.**_

"Ah, ProJared up to his cheating again?" Lucas smirked.

 **(The scene then switches to several kids hitting and wrestling each other inside a makeshift wrestling ring aka living room with Tonka's WWF Wrestling Buddies.)**

 _ **Announcer: *off-screen* Introducing the newest WWF Wrestling Buddies! Big Boss Man, Jake "The Snake" Roberts! Clonk 'em, bonk 'em, wrestling buddies want to be YOUR buddies!**_

"Unless if they ever want to beat the ever-loving shit out of you just like on TV." Sean nodded.

"Pretty much takes the _Don't Try This At Home_ rule and shoves it up their ass." Lucas nodded as well.

 **Lucas: *Narrating* Yes, coming to you live from some kid's house, it's Tonka's WWF Wrestling Buddies in which you get to see some big-ass plushies from your favorite superstars from early 90's WWE beat the piss right out of you.**

 **(A montage of clips from WrestleMania 35, Monday Night RAW and SmackDown Live start playing simultaneously)**

 **Sean: *Narrating* And take note that this was way before the WWF, not the World Wildlife Fund, would change its name to the WWE, known now as World Wrestling Entertainment.**

"Besides LJN, the WWE or WWF as you would call them, we're looking for another company to also make their toys and products besides those awesome WWF ice-cream bars," Lucas said before speaking in a serious tone, "And what better way to make these adorable so-called Wrestling Buddies than the toy company who's called the Fucking Construction Truck Toy Company!"

"Otherwise known as Tonka." Sean replied as a Tonka logo appeared alongside them.

 **(Scene switches back to the commercial.)**

 _ **Cop 2: What's going on?**_

 _ **Ginger-haired kid with glasses: Nothing, officer.**_

 **(All of a sudden, the kids start throwing their Wrestling Buddies at the cop.)**

 _ **Kids: BODY SLAM!**_

"Hey, hey, hey, they can't assault an officer!" Sean cried out in protest, "Someone arrest those little bastards!"

 **(The kids start beating the crap out of the officer with their Wrestling Buddies, mostly with the Big Boss Man plushie.)**

 _ **Cop #2: Who's the wise guy?**_

 _ **Kids: Big Boss Man!**_

"Um, I'm pretty sure this man right here would disagree with you." Sean said as he pointed to a picture of Judge Dredd popping on the far right.

Lucas then nodded as he said, "After all, he's the fuckin' law."

 **Sean: *Narrating* For all the WWE fans who are now watching this, remember the company's disclaimer that says, "Please don't try this at home"? Well, beating up cops with your Wrestling Buddies is something you should DEFINITELY never try at home! And trust me, that's FAR worse then ever having to try the dangerous shit you see on TV!**

 _ **Cop #1: *on the walkie-talkie* Murphy, what's going on?**_

 _ **Murphy: *laughing* Nothing, sarge!**_

 **(The kids then continue to beat him up with the Wrestling Buddies)**

Sean soon got fed up from watching this scene so much that he drew out his gun from his table.

"That's it, I'm arresting those kids myself!" Sean shouted as he ran off from his couch.

But before he could make it to the door, Lucas chased after him and tackled him right away.

"Dude, you can't arrest them, they're kids!" Lucas shouted.

"You can't stop me!" Sean shouted back, struggling to break free, "Judge Dredd told me to!"

 _ **Narrator: Big Boss Man and Jake "The Snake" Roberts, the newest WWF Wrestling Buddies from Tonka! Each sold separately!**_

 **(TV static transitions to: Pop Tarts commercial circa 1989)**

 **Background Singers: Kellogg's Pop Tarts!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ah, yes. Pop Tarts, a staple of the 80s and 90s, with retro fashion and retro music, popular for teens everywhere.**

 **Background Singers: The taste of real fruit, real hot/Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!**

 **(The dog barks four times with the music until the teenage boy uses the blueberry Pop Tart as a remote to pause the dog)**

"Man, all of a sudden I'm in the mood for a cherry Pop Tart." Sean said. "I need a cherry Pop Tart. Where's my cherry Pop Tart, people?!"

"Can someone give this man a cherry Pop Tart?" Lucas asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we come across something that baffles me. More than baffling, a bit confuzzled. Yeah, I said it. Confuzzled. It's the tagline.**

 _ **Background Singers: So hot, they're cool/So cool, they're hot!**_

"What?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

"So hot, they're cool. So cool, they're hot. What the hell does that even mean?" Lucas asked.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) How can something that is so hot, it's cold, or so cold, it's hot?**

 _ **Background Singers: So hot, they're cool/So cool, they're hot!**_

"Commercial, you're not making any goddamn sense. Could you answer that little zen riddle for us before I end up punching you in the dick?" Sean asked.

 **(The McDonald's McDLT commercial with Jason Alexander is shown)**

 _ **Jason Alexander: (Sings) I'm talking quarter pound beef on the hot, hot side…**_

 _ **People: (Sings) And the hot stays hot.**_

"Hell, McDonald's McDLT commercial made more sense than you." Sean said.

 **(We cut to another Pop Tarts commercial)**

 _ **Announcer: You can get ready for something wild when you bite into new Kellogg's Pop Tarts.**_

 **(A teenage girl bites into a Pop Tart, and red lights shoot out of it.**

"JESUS!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

 **Lucas: (Narrating) More like giving them explosive radiation when they bite into a Pop Tart. I mean, those flashing red lights almost took her head off.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, that strawberry Pop Tart was more like Disco Strawberry.**

"Let's be glad that they added frosting on the Pop Tarts so that flashing red lights end up killing them." Sean said.

 _ **Background Singer: So hot they're cool/So cool, they're hot!**_

 **(TV static transitions to:** _ **Breyers Viennetta**_ **ice cream commercial from 1994)**

 **(We see a group of people sitting at the dinner table as another person sits a sterling silver plate with Viennetta ice cream on the table)**

 _ **Female Announcer: Breyers has created a spectacular ice cream dessert called Viennetta.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Remember the Viennetta ice cream from Breyers? That delectable ice cream dessert with premium vanilla ice cream with it's chocolate layers while they play bad porno music over the commercial making it irresistible to have.**

 **(The server gives each person a slice of Viennetta in a glass)**

 _ **Female Announcer: But despite it's delicious premium ice cream with it's irresistible crisp chocolatey layers…**_

"Who in the everloving fuck eats ice cream out of a glass? A martini glass?" Lucas asked.

"Not me. I use a bowl." Sean said. "I guess they're too sophisticated to be using a bowl for Viennetta."

 **(We see that there's the last slice of Viennetta left)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And look at this, you have the last slice of Viennetta left and how delicious that ice cream is, someone is getting the last slice.**

Sean and Lucas look on in anticipation to see which person gets the last slice of Viennetta.

 **(The server picks up the pie server while three of the people pick up their glasses)**

 _ **Female Announcer: Viennetta from Breyers. One slice is never enough.**_

"Well, who the hell got the last slice? They're just going to leave it there?" Lucas asked.

"I can imagine what happened. I guess they were busy fighting over the last slice." Sean said.

 **(The scene switches to the Viennetta commercial. We see Sean, Lucas, Brian and Oliver sitting at the dinner table enjoying their slice of Viennetta)**

"Oh, man. Was that pretty good or what?" Sean asked, wiping his mouth off with a napkin.

"Amazing." Oliver said.

"Agreed." Brian said.

"Man, this is better than sex with Kendra Lust." Lucas smirked.

"Hell, it's better than a threesome with Gia Derza and Cali Carter." Sean said until his attention is turned to the last slice of Viennetta before Lucas spots him eyeing it.

"I hope you're not looking at the last slice because it's mine." Lucas said.

"What? Yeah, right. I get the last slice, buddy." Sean said.

"Like hell you're getting the last slice. I deserve it fair and square. Not you two ding dongs." Oliver said as Sean glared at him.

"Who are you calling a ding dong, pinhead?" Sean asked.

"No, I get the last slice. Any one tries to get their hands on it, they're gonna be sent to the Dark Ages." Brian said as he pulls out a crossbow and points it at Lucas.

"Hey, I don't think you want to do that." Lucas said as he picks up his Desert Eagle and points it at Brian. "Drop the crossbow right now, Tyrion Lannister. I'm getting the last slice."

"Oh, yeah. Well, I've got something to say. Two guns, bitch!" Oliver said as he whips out two SIG Sauer P365 pistols, with one pointed at Lucas and the other pointed at Sean. "Nobody's walking out of here with the last slice.

"Drop it, Oliver!" Sean yelled out as he pulls out a silenced Mac 10 and points it at Oliver. "Drop it or you're six feet dead.

The four men are at a stalemate, with their weapons aimed at each other to see if who kills who for the last slice. We cut to black before hearing the sound of gunfire going off.

We fade in as we see Taylor returning from the store with some more Viennetta before entering the dining room to see the results.

"Hey guys, no need to be fighting over the last slice, I've brought some more from the…" Taylor said as she sees Sean, Lucas, Brian and Oliver's corpses lying on the table. "Oh, great. I knew this would happen. I specifically told him that I was going to get more.

 **(The scene switches back to Sean and Lucas, who are both a bit shocked from the end results on who gets the last slice of Viennetta)**

"Yeah, that would end very, very badly." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I remember having this as a kid and I really enjoyed it. It's a shame that it's not available in the United States, yet you can get it if you live in Australia and New Zealand under the Streets brand. It's sold in Italy, Germany, Austria and Japan.**

"Goddamn it! How can these guys take what's ours? Because of you guys, I had to eat a Carvel ice cream cake. I want my Viennetta." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look, I don't care if I go on Twitter and tweet by using the hashtag #BringBacktheViennetta, I want my Viennetta fix and I want it now. Warning: having Viennetta ice cream results in tantrums, fights, hair pulling, black eye and death over the last one.**

 _ **Female Announcer: Viennetta from Breyer.**_

"A dessert so addictive, people end up killing each other for it." Lucas said.

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog**_ **commercial from 1991)**

 **(We see a middle-aged woman, portrayed by Larry Cedar, stand behind a counter while a picture of** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog**_ **is placed alongside her long with a Sega Genesis console. The footage of** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog**_ **gameplay is also shown right behind her as the narrator speaks.)**

 _ **Narrator: Donita Stokes, President of H.A.G.**_

 _ **Donita Stokes (played by Larry Cedar): It's bad enough that Sega Genesis has the most 16-bit games, but this new Sonic The Hedgehog? Ohhh, he really doth my doilies!**_

"Or in translation, 'shit my panties'." Sean replied.

"Ugh, in that case, I think I better stay away from her…" Lucas said as he held up an air freshener and blew air around it while putting his shirt over his nose.

 **Sean: *Narrating* Ah, Sonic The Hedgehog. What is there left to-**

 **(A picture of Sonic The Hedgehog is shown for a couple of seconds, right before the Sonic from the 2019 live-action** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog**_ **movie is shown, disturbing Sean.)**

 **Sean: *Narrating* Yeah, thanks a lot for getting that image in my head.**

 **(A picture of** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog**_ **from 1991 is shown alongside a montage of games that show** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog 2, Sonic Adventure 2**_ **,** _ **Sonic Generations**_ **and** _ **Team Sonic Racing**_ **.)**

 **Sean: *Narrating* Anyway, what can be said about Sonic The Hedgehog? For more than 28 years, this blue speedster has been going mega-fast as Sega's best all-time video game mascot. From video games to cartoons to those damn delicious ice-cream bars, Sonic has been a tour de force since Sega's best years as a console manufacturer.**

 **(The scene goes back to the commercial where it plays from the beginning.)**

 **Lucas: *Narrating* And what better way to introduce him to the world than this little commercial featuring a man dressed in drag, complaining his/her little ass off about** _ **Sonic The Hedgehog**_ **being on the Sega Genesis.**

"And trust me, her complaints are as meaningless as those butthurt One Million Moms organization." Lucas nodded out in return.

 **(Footage of the** _ **Sonic the Hedgehog**_ **video game continues to play as Donita keeps talking.)**

 _ **Donita Stokes: *Off-screen* They say he's incredibly fast. Well, that's the hurry, mister? Hmmmm? And about his attitude? SMARTY PANTS!**_

"Hey, don't you be talking to our boy Sonic now!" Lucas shouted to the camera as if he was shouting to Donita.

"Take that back or else we'll drop you faster than the fandom after _Sonic '06_!" Sean threatened to Donita, referring to the god-awful _Sonic The Hedgehog_ game on PS3 and XBOX 360.

 _ **Donita Stokes: Why can't he be like that nice boy Mario?**_

"Because otherwise, Sonic would have kicked Mario's ass and take Princess Peach all to himself if he was even compared to him back in '91." Sean said, crossing his arms.

Lucas then nodded as he said, "But at least Mario and Sonic are cool now and go on to bigger, better things such as the _Super Smash Bros._ series and _Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games_. They're pretty tight as far as I speak."

 **(Sonic then sticks her tongue out at Donita and runs out of the picture full-speed. Donita tries to catch him with just his/her hand, but fails.)**

 _ **Donita Stokes: Little brat!**_

"Well, I'm sorry, that shows what you get for bad-mouthing him all the time." Sean replied.

"Yeah, serves you the fuck right, Donita." Lucas nodded as he flipped her off.

 _ **Announcer: Now, get Sonic free when you buy a Sega Genesis system at its new price at $149.99.**_

"Because you know what they say," Lucas said before he and Sean loudly declared, "Genesis does what Nintendon't!"

 **(TV static transitions to:** _ **Jell-O Jigglers**_ **commercial featuring Bill Cosby)**

 **(We see Bill Cosby sitting at a dining table with children, they're seen holding spoons)**

 _ **Bill Cosby: We're here to celebrate a different way to eat Jell-O gelatin.**_

"Oh, Christ. Fucking Cosby again?" Sean asked. "What's he gonna sell us this time?"

"I swear, if it's anything New Coke related, I'm kicking him right through his pudding-sized balls!" Lucas angrily declared.

 **(Bill Cosby and the children throw their spoons away)**

 _ **Bill Cosby: With our bare hands.**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.

 _ **Bill Cosby: All we need cookie cutters, this easy recipe (Uses the cookie cutter to make shapes out of Jell-o) and we got jigglers!**_

"Hey, I wouldn't eat those jigglers. Cosby might've added a little something in them." Sean said.

"Spoiler alert: It's made out of his piss." Lucas smirked out.

 **(We see the little kids eating the Jell-O Jigglers)**

 _ **Background Singers: Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, oh jigglers! Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, oh jigglers!**_

"Hey, the only thing I want to see jiggling is Gia Derza, Mia Malkova, Lexi Belle, Dani Daniels, Abella Danger and Alexis Texas' asses." Sean said as he points at the camera.

"Hell, I'd take seeing Amy Anderssen and Aletta Ocean's big hot racks jiggle anyday then what old wifebeater Cosby's selling." Lucas nodded, agreeing with Sean.

 **Bill Cosby: (Holds up the Jell-O box) The recipe's on the box. Jigglers, they're a handful of fun.**

"Oh, Cosby. I know you like your jigglers a handful of fun." Sean said.

 **(We see the word "JELL-O" spelled out on a plate as a little girl grabs the "O")**

 _ **Bill Cosby: (To the little girl) Hey, put that back.**_

Sean made a face and he immediately picked up his phone to get ready to call the police. "You stay away from that little girl, Cosby. I have the cops on speed 've done something to the Jell-O."

 **Sean: (Narrating) My God, tell me you're not creeped out from seeing Bill Cosby telling the little girl to put that Jell-O down. What was that Jell-O meant for anyway?**

"Maybe Cosby laced them with PCP, I don't know." Lucas shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't think Winston from _Ghostbusters_ would eat Jell-O because." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson) I hate Jell-O.**_

"Hey, where Cosby's going, he's gonna have all the Jell-O he can eat. I'm just glad he's not the spokesperson for his barbecue sauce." Sean said.

"Did he put PCP on his sauce too?" Lucas asked Sean.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Cosby Show**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Played by Bill Cosby): Haven't you ever noticed after people had some of my barbecue sauce? After a while when it kicks in, they get all huggy buggy./I got a cup of it up on the night table. I've got a cup of it, I said. Left it up there breathing.**_

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sean and Lucas both screamed out.

 _ **Kids: J-E-L-L-O!**_

 **(Another clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman (Played by Bill Murray): Oh, come on. There's always room for Jell-O.**_

"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, VENKMAN!" Lucas shouted to the camera.

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Mountain Dew Kickstart**_ **commercial)**

 **(We see a big overweight guy opening the fridge to get a Midnight Grape-flavored Mountain Dew Kickstart. Once he drank it however, he starts dancing much to the disbelief of his friends. However, a mosquito touches down on the back of his neck and bites him, which forces him to dance as well.)**

Sean and Lucas immediately dance to the music right away with Sean doing a big shoulder shimmy while Lucas starts dancing to the Running Man.

"Sorry, we just couldn't help ourselves," Sean smirked before saying, "But this dance is just so kicking!"

"We're not lying, this is perfect exercise!" Lucas nodded while he still danced.

 **Sean: *Narrating* Okay, this isn't exactly vintage by any means, but we just had to put this on there because how awesome this looks. It's a commercial for Mountain Dew's new drink called Mountain Dew KickStart.**

 **Lucas: *Narrating* It was available to the public in 2016 with flavors such as Midnight Grape, Orange Citrus and Black Cherry available in the start.**

"And we gotta say, the drink's actually pretty damn good for what it is." Sean nodded as he started to sip his can of KickStart alongside Lucas, "I mean, this was Mountain Dew entering the world of breakfast drinks. Because let's be honest, the breakfast drink circuit was just nothing more than NesQuik and Slim-Fast-"

However, Sean stopped as he looked to his left and saw Lucas shaking and moving his shoulders in a dancing kind of way.

"Um, you do realize that this drink doesn't actually make you dance?" Sean replied.

"Actually, it kinda does." Lucas nodded, turning his head to him.

"They actually did that for the commercial," Sean reminded his friend, "It really doesn't make you dance in real-life."

Lucas then turned his head to his friend once again and said, "Did you take a look at the disclaimer?"

"Yeah, I did." Sean nodded before saying, "And let me remind you that the disclaimer actually states that Mountain Dew KickStart doesn't actually-"

Once he saw the disclaimer, it read in white bold words that said "WARNING: THIS DRINK CAN MAKE YOU DANCE". Sean immediately looked at this face-first and looked stunned right away.

"Well, son of a bitch, it actually does!" Sean exclaimed in a surprised tone.

However, after only several seconds of silence, Sean gets up off this couch and starts dancing all over like Lucas, who's now breakdancing by doing the worm, when it's actually a body double doing the dancing. Sean also breakdances as well, but like Lucas, a body double is doing the breakdancing as well.

 **(While that goes on, the footage of the commercial continues to play, showing the part of the mosquito being eaten up by the frog, who starts to dance to the song. Not too long, the frog gets eaten by a fish, who also starts dancing. It's completely stopped when a net catches him, which the scene switches to a half-eaten fish, which is eaten by a cat who also dances via twerking. The fisherman comes in and becomes immediately uncomfortable by the cat's dancing.)**

Lucas and Sean immediately collapse on the couch looking all tired and exhausted from the dancing that the drink totally did to them. However, they still continued to crack a smile on top of this whole situation themselves.

"Well… that… was worth it…" Lucas said between breaths.

"Totally. Mountain Dew rules." Sean chuckled out before giving his friend a high-five.

 **(The commercial immediately ends with the frog dancing next to the Mountain Dew KickStart drinks while the words "IT ALL STARTS WITH A KICK" display on top of the screen.)**

 **(TV static transitions to:** _ **The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D**_ **commercial featuring Robin Williams and his daughter Zelda)**

 **(We see footage from** _ **Ocarina of Time 3D**_ **on the Nintendo 3DS)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, this has to be one of the best commercials ever to be shown.**

"Okay, who wants to see a Nintendo commercial featuring Robin Williams?" Sean asked.

"This guy does!" Lucas said, pointing to himself.

 _ **Robin Williams: The first time I saw you, I knew we'd be linked forever.**_

 **(We get a shot of a woman's eyes, then cut to more footage from the game)**

 _ **Robin Williams: For you, I traveled to the four corners of the world. I faced adversity. I became a hero.**_

 _ **Woman: Dad?**_

 _ **Robin Williams: I saved your kingdom.**_

 _ **Woman: Dad?**_

 _ **Robin Williams: Yes, Zelda?**_

 _ **Zelda Williams: Are you mixing me up with the princess again?**_

 _ **Robin Williams: Hard to say, you're both pretty magical.**_

 **(The caption "Zelda fans since 1987" is shown)**

"Okay, that commercial was totally awesome!" Sean exclaimed.

"Heck, even if it nearly came this close to saying "incest" all over, it was still pretty frickin' awesome." Lucas nodded, agreeing with Sean. "And as a matter of fact, so does this game on the Nintendo 64."

 **Sean: (Narrating) What makes this commercial awesome is that they got Robin Williams to do the commercial with his daughter Zelda. He's a big** _ **Legend of Zelda**_ **fan. That's why he named his daughter "Zelda".**

"Robin, I'm gonna miss you, buddy. I know you're up in Heaven playing The Legend of Zelda with God." Sean said.

"And I hope Will Smith makes you proud for his live-action Genie that he's paying homage to you." Lucas said as he held up a bottle of cerveza up in the air, also referring to the live-action Aladdin movie.

"Same here." Sean nodded, holding his bottle of cerveza up too.

Then, at the same time, they pour it down while a sound-clip of Boyz II Men's "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" is playing.

While the song is playing though, Lucas looked to Sean and said, "Um, dude? Is this carpet stain-proof?"

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Butterfinger**_ **commercial from 1991)**

 **(We see Bart Simpson from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **sitting on a therapist's chair while Dr. Marvin Monroe is busy looking at ink blots.)**

 _ **Dr. Marvin Monroe (voiced by Harry Shearer): Look at this blot, Bart. *shows him ink blot* Tell me what you see.**_

 _ **Bart Simpson (voiced by Nancy Cartwright): A Butterfinger.**_

 _ **Dr. Marvin Monroe: And this one?**_

 _ **Bart Simpson: Another Butterfinger.**_

 _ **Dr. Marvin Monroe: Just as I thought.**_

"Well, I won't lie there, man." Sean said, imitating Bart Simpson, "Every ink blot you're holding there looks a whole lot like Butterfingers. By the way, eat my shorts."

 **Lucas: *Narrating*** __ **Oh man, the rest of you 90's kids know this by now. Those famous Butterfinger commercials featuring everyone's animated menace to society, Bart Simpson from the longest-animated series on TV today,** _ **The Simpsons**_ **. And oh boy, was Bart Simpson in 1991 the biggest thing going? Not also he was in Michael Jackson's hit video** _ **Black and White**_ **, but he had his own dance and song called** _ **Do The Bartman**_ **, he had video games on the NES such as** _ **Bart Vs. The Space Mutants**_ **and** _ **Bart Vs. The World,**_ **and as you noticed it, he launched himself to even bigger superstardom with the Butterfinger commercials.**

 **Sean: *Narrating* And the one we're seeing right here is the commercial where Bart gets in therapy with help from Dr. Marvin Monroe, voiced by the show's very own, Harry Shearer.**

 _ **Dr. Marvin Monroe: Your obsession with this so-called Butterfinger reveals a severe neurosis, which can be overcome only by sharing the very object you hold most dear.**_

 _ **Bart Simpson: Speak English, doc.**_

"Yeah, doc. Bart doesn't understand _dumbass_." Lucas shrugged his shoulders, "I mean, you oughta know that by now."

 _ **Dr. Marvin Monroe: I want that Butterfinger!**_

 _ **(Marvin tries to grab Bart, but Bart moves out of the way, forcing Marvin to land a couch instead.)**_

 _ **Bart Simpson: You need help, man!**_

"Homer Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Edna Krabappel and Principal Skinner could say the same too." Sean nodded before replying, "I mean, have you seen those Butterfinger commercials? You have one where Homer's threatening his son to put the Butterfinger in his mouth, there's another one where Nelson is practically stealing both Bart's lunch money and Butterfinger, and you literally have a commercial where Bart's teacher and principal are hijacking Bart's Butterfinger from his locker, only for Bart to trap them in there. And everytime, they _FAIL._ Don't these people ever get what Bart's trying to tell them?"

Lucas then folded his arms and said to the camera, "If they still don't get it, well then, here's what they all need to do."

But then all of a sudden, Brian pops out of the couch and says, "They all do the Bartman?"

"No." Lucas shook his head to Brian.

"Is it 'Eat My Shorts'?" guessed Brian.

"Not even THAT close." Lucas shook his head.

"Oh, I got it." Brian said, snapping his finger, "Bite my shiny metal ass."

"Dude, that's _Futurama_." Lucas corrected Brian while at the same time Sean took a deep breath.

"Brian, what my main man Lucas is trying to say is," Sean said before he and Lucas shouted to the camera, "NOBODY BETTER LAY A FINGER ON BART'S MOTHERFUCKING BUTTERFINGER!"

Being bothered by their loud threatening voices, Brian cowered a bit as he said, "Okay, sorry I asked."

And then, he lowered himself back down behind Sean's couch, therefore confusing Lucas a little bit.

"Um, why is Brian behind your couch?" Lucas asked Sean.

Sean shook his head and shrugged, "Hell if I know."

 _ **Narrator: Get a crispity, crunchity, peanut-buttery burst in every bite of Butterfinger!**_

 **(Bart bursts out of the therapist's office riding on his signature skateboard.)**

 _ **Dr. Marvin Monroe: *yelling* Wait, boy! Your hour's not up yet!**_

 _ **Bart Simpson: Sorry, man.**_

 **(Bart then takes a bite of his Butterfinger)**

 _ **Bart Simpson: But nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!**_

"And we mean it." Sean and Lucas warned everyone, crossing their arms to the camera.

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Super Soaker 100**_ **commercial from 1992)**

 **(We see two unpopular boys standing in front of the door, trying to go to a popular girl's pool party)**

 _ **Buffy: Did I forget to invite you to the pool party? Well, maybe next year.**_

 **(Buffy closes the door on them)**

"Boy, what a stuck-up bitch." Sean said. "At least invite them to the pool party."

"Who the hell does she think she is? Chloe Bourgeois from _Miraculous Ladybug_?" Lucas gruffingly replied.

 _ **Announcer: On those occasions, when you need to make a big splash…**_

 **(We see the two boys dressed as the Blues Brothers while one of the boys are holding a bag)**

"By crashing the pool party dressed as Jake and Elwood Blues?" Brian asked.

 **(The first boy pulls out the Super Soaker 100 from out of the bag)**

 _ **Announcer: There's the Super Soaker 100. Equipped with a powerful air-pressure system.**_

"Ahh, the Super Soaker 100." Lucas sighed before saying, "Pretty much a young-kid's version of an AK-47."

 _ **Kid #1: Oh, Buffy.**_

"Time to get wet." Sean said, imitating the kid.

 **(The kid sprays Buffy with the Super Soaker and sprays everybody at the party)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit, kid! Calm down. You're spraying these people at the party like you're whacking a character from** _ **The Sopranos**_ **.**

 _ **Announcer: A range of up to 60 feet.**_

 **(The guests make a run for it while the kid's friend starts eating something)**

"What? The other kid can't get a Super Soaker and join the fun as well? All he's doing is just eating while he watches his friend spray the living crap out of these people." Sean said.

"I act like that whenever I see a wet t-shirt contest going on." Lucas smirked naughtily.

 _ **Announcer: And a drenching spray.**_

"And they're great for wet t-shirt contests!" Sean smirked.

 _ **Announcer: The Super Soaker 100.**_

 _ **Kid #2: It's a water gun of a higher caliber.**_

Sean chuckles a bit. "Kid, it's a water gun. You're acting like it's more powerful than Dirty Harry's magnum."

"I bet those guests at the pool party ain't feeling lucky right now, do they, punk?" Lucas shook his head with a smirk.

 **(Two more Super Soaker products are shown: the Super Soaker 200 and the Super Soaker 50)**

 _ **Announcer: Also the 50 or the ultimate, the 200.**_

"And for the granddaddy of all Super Soakers, the Super Soaker 5000." Sean said.

"Trust me, no one forgets the 5000." Lucas said, pointing to the camera.

 **(TV static transition to:** _ **Apple**_ **commercial circa 1984)**

 **(We see a group of people walking through a futuristic tunnel while the voice of Big Brother, David Graham, speaks out offscreen.)**

 _ **Big Brother (voiced by David Graham):**_ _ **Today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology—where each worker may bloom, secure from the pests purveying contradictory truths.**_

 _ **(While he's talking though, the scene switches to a nameless female track-and-field runner, who's running through the hallway with a hammer in hand while the rest of Big Brother's followers follow her.)**_

"Now this… is… AMAZING!" Sean shouted in crazy, joyful way.

"Ladies and gentleman, you want the granddaddy of all Super Bowl commercials, this one screws them all in the ass and calls it daddy!" Lucas smirked out, feeling the same way Sean was feeling.

 **Sean: *Narrating* Okay, the first time you watch Super Bowl XVIII between the Redskins and Raiders in the 3rd quarter with 6:32 left to go, which is the first thing you see when it goes to commercial break? This sweet piece of awesomeness coming to you from the likes of Apple Inc. And I literally have no words, this is just perfect.**

 **Lucas: *Narrating* This Super Bowl commercial from 1984 literally takes us to 1984 in the form of a George Orwell-styled setting, and it's all directed by none other than Ridley Fuckin' Scott. Which is best known for this little classic right there.**

 **(A clip of Ridley Scott's "Alien" plays showing Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley.)**

 _ **Ellen Ripley (played by Sigourney Weaver): You... are... my lucky star.**_

 **Lucas: *Narrating* Yep, the dude who directed the "1984" Apple commercial directed "Alien". One of the most scariest sci-fi movies ever to come out of 1979. Go check it out if your want your pants being shitted on.**

 **(The clip them goes back to the Apple Computer commercial, where Big Brother continues his speech and a camera scrolls to the left, showing Big Brother's followers.)**

 _ **Big Brother: Our Unification of Thoughts is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth.**_

"Yeah, um… doesn't Big Brother know that his ass is about to get shattered by a hammer any second now?" Sean replied while he shrugged, "I mean, is he so stupid that he can't even friggin' pay attention to what's going down there?"

Lucas scoffed as he chuckled, "Big Brother? More like Big Blind-Ass Brother!"

 **(The runner then enters the theatre, getting closer to the picture where Big Brother is still continuing to talk.)**

 _ **Big Brother: We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause.**_

"Why, you gonna continue to bore us to death with your fucking speech?" Lucas spoke out of pure boredom, "I mean, can you hurry this the hell up already?"

 **(The runner gets ready to swing the hammer as Big Brother finally comes close to ending his speech.)**

 _ **Big Brother: Our enemies shall talk themselves to death, and we will bury them with their own confusion!**_

 **(The woman then throws the hammer to the screen.)**

 _ **Big Brother: We shall prevail!**_

 _ **Lucas (V.O. as the unnamed runner): Prevail this, douchebag!**_

 _ **(The hammer hits the screen, exploding into a big flash of light, therefore freezing the rest of Big Brother's followers.)**_

Sean and Lucas are both taken by the big explosion they see in front of their face, which forces them to hold onto their seat cushions for safety. Once the explosion lowered down, Lucas and Sean let out a sigh of relief.

"I… am… blown… away." Sean spoke a bit slowly.

"Me… too." Lucas nodded before looking to the camera, "Ridley Scott, you are ETERNAL!"

"Hell yeah, he is!" Sean nodded.

 _ **Narrator: On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like "1984".**_

 **(The commercial finally ends when the screen fades to a black screen with the rainbow Apple logo only shown.)**

"And it totally wouldn't be." Lucas shook his head before bringing out something from the sofa, "Because nowadays, the '1984' we like to remember…"

And then, Lucas pulled out the "1984" album from Van Halen, surprising Sean yet again.

"...it's this '1984'!" Lucas smirked out.

"Hell yeah, my friend." Sean high-fived his friend before looking toward the camera, "Well, folks. We're gonna wrap this up here. Thank you for joining us on this sick nostalgia trip full of laughs, jokes, Butterfingers, ice cream, KickStarts, and not to mention dat 1984 that Lucas has got holding in his hands. Lucas, thanks for having you on here."

"Feels damn good to be with ya, hopefully we'll have more commercial specials we can totally waste ourselves on." Lucas nodded.

"Until then, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic and…." Sean said right until his phone starts ringing right before he does his traditional closing intro. "Hello?"

 _ **Female Announcer from Fantasy Girls: Will you love to share your fantasies with me.**_

"No, I got a girlfriend!" Sean yelled out as he ends the call.

"Yeah, that's her loss." Lucas nodded before saying, "So, wanna drink some more KickStart and blast Hot For Teacher?"

"Hell, yeah!" Sean said before looking at the camera. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic."

"And I'm Lucas saying, we got it bad, got it bad, got it bad." Lucas winked to the camera before saying these final words, "We're hot for teacher."

And then, the episode finally closes with Sean and Lucas dancing very crazily to "Hot For Teacher" while drinking their respective Mountain Dew KickStarts.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Any questions?**_

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **second commercials retrospective** _ **Commercials II**_ **. Any of the commercials you liked in this chapter? Special thanks and shout-out to fellow writer UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for helping me out and doing the entire retrospective with me. Again, thanks for the help and picking out the commercials. Can't wait to do** _ **Commercials III**_ **with you. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, to celebrate the 30** **th** **anniversary of** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,**_ **Sean reviews what was supposed to be Indy's last crusade… until** _ **Kingdom of the Crystal Skull**_ **, then asks if this is better than Raiders of the Lost Ark. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, for the upcoming "Summer of…" special, I will be doing either** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **or** _ **The Summer of '89**_ **. Which one should I do? After the** _ **Last Crusade**_ **review, I will be reviewing** _ **Godzilla '98**_ **after this, so I might do either** _ **Star Wars**_ **or** _ **'89**_ **after my** _ **Godzilla**_ **review. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	62. Episode 58: The Last Crusade

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic reviews the third installment in the Indiana Jones series, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade for it's 30** **th** **anniversary. Today, he asks the question: Is** _ **The Last Crusade**_ **better than** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **? Well, then let's find out today.**

 **P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **is owned by Paramount Pictures and Lucasfilm Ltd.**

 **Episode Fifty-Eight**

 **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**

We open with Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room, sipping a can of Pepsi Berry while donning a baseball cap a la his favorite director Steven Spielberg before turning to the camera to start his intro.

"You know, there's a lot of people out there saying that _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ is the best out of the _Indiana Jones_ franchise. What more can I say about it? It is an awesome movie. And I know that I'm going to take a lot of flack for this one but I have something to admit, I think _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_ better than _Raiders of the Lost Ark_." Sean said.

Then all of a sudden, a crowd of angry Raiders fans start throwing a bunch of stuff at Sean like bottles, rocks, a bottle of Crystal Skull vodka and a pillow while the young critic tries to explain.

"Okay, If only… Let me just expla…. I…." Sean said until an angry fan shoots at him, but the bullet misses him and hits his Kylo Ren coffee mug. "Let me explain."

 **(Clips from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look, I love** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **. I think it's still one of the greatest movies ever. It's well-directed, action-packed, the acting was amazing, John Williams' music score is epic as always and the visual effects done by former ILM member Richard Edlund holds up very well. When I was like 5-years-old at the time, my mom owned both** _ **Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom**_ **and** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **on VHS and the one that I watched first was** _ **The Last Crusade**_ **. And the one that scarred me for life was** _ **The Temple of Doom**_ **. It was a good movie, in my opinion but it was dark and intense and had some scenes that really scarred me for life. (The back of the VHS copy of** _ **The Temple of Doom**_ **is shown) Hence, that's why it said "THIS FILM MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN" on the back of the VHS. I haven't watched Raiders of the Lost Ark until my mom rented it from Hollywood Video when I was seven. Yeah, this is way before Netflix and Hulu. And when I watched** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **for the first time… IT WAS AWESOME! I loved it as much as** _ **The Last Crusade.**_ **And by the time I turned 14, I owned the** _ **Indiana Jones Trilogy**_ **on DVD for my 14** **th** **birthday. It's one of those movies that I would love to show to my kid as well as** _ **Star Wars**_ **, but my girlfriend doesn't want me to scar our child for life after I showed her a scene where Toht's face melted to the bone.**

Sean sighs a bit after throwing away bits and pieces of his Kylo Ren mug. "Great, now I got to order a new coffee mug from Amazon. Okay, so today just in time for the film's 30th anniversary, we're going to take a look at what has to be the best Indiana Jones film in the franchise. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."

 **(The title card for** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **is shown as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 24, 1989. Man, it was an excellent year for movies.** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **is the third and final installment in the** _ **Indiana Jones Trilogy**_ **…**

 **(A poster for** _ **Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and sighs) Until** _ **Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull**_ **. But that's for another time. After the lukewarm reception to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Spielberg wanted to tone things down in the next installment. In 1984, George Lucas wrote a treatment called** _ **Indiana Jones and the Monkey King**_ **, which dealt with Indiana Jones battling a ghost in Scotland before finding the Fountain of Youth in Africa and going up against tribal cannibals. Steven Spielberg brought on Chris Columbus, who at the time wrote some successful screenplays like** _ **Gremlins**_ **,** _ **The Goonies**_ **and** _ **Young Sherlock Holmes**_ **. He would expand on Lucas' treatment, introducing a bunch of new characters and bring back the Nazis. Spielberg and Lucas abandoned the idea because of its negative depiction of African natives and because the script felt too unrealistic. So, Spielberg suggested introducing Indiana's father but George Lucas wasn't too keen on the idea of introducing Indiana's father.**

"And this is coming from a man who thought that this and that and that are good ideas." Sean said as photos of Jar-Jar Binks, _Howard the Duck_ and the _Star Wars Trilogy_ special edition are shown.

"Some of the special edition changes work, others don't." Brian said, getting claps from several audience members. " _Crystal Skull_ had some interesting ideas, the 50s, the Cold War and the Soviets as the villains."

Several audience members cheer some more.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Spielberg convinced Lucas that the father-son relationship would serve as a great metaphor in the movie. Spielberg brought on Dutch screenwriter Menno Meyjes, who work on two other films from Spielberg like** _ **The Color Purple**_ **and** _ **Empire of the Sun**_ **. Instead of the film focusing on the Fountain of Youth, it now focused on the search for the Holy Grail….**

 **(A clip from** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Black Knight (Played by John Cleese): 'Tis but a scratch!**_

 _ **King Arthur (Played by the late Graham Chapman) A scratch? Your arm's off!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong one. Spielberg didn't want people to think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In the original draft, it depicted Indiana Jones searching for his father in the south of France, where he meets a nun named Chantal and they form a relationship. Spielberg felt that the script needed further revision, so he suggested the late Jeffrey Boam, who wrote the screenplay for Innerspace. He spent two weeks reworking the story with Lucas.**

"And the result: an awesome _Indiana Jones_ movie. So the question remains, is _The Last Crusade_ better than _Raiders_?" Sean asked before switching his baseball cap with a fedora and putting on a leather jacket. "Let's grab our fedora, put on our leather jacket and grab our whip."

Sean looks around and realizes that he doesn't own a whip.

"Oh, yeah. I don't own a whip. But I do have my trusty .45." Sean said as he pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol. "Let's take a look at _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our story begins in 1912 Utah, where we see a Boy Scout troop doing some horseback riding at Arches National Park. We see two scout members scouting some caves as they come across a pair of grave robbers who found a golden cross that belonged to Coronado. So, who is this young lad who's spying on the grave robbers, I might ask.**

 _ **Herman (Played by J.J. Hardy): Indy? What are they doing? Indiana? Indiana?**_

 _ **(Indy shushing Herman)**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that this young lad happens to be a young Indiana Jones, played by the late River Phoenix. Who starred alongside Harrison Ford in a little movie called** _ **The Mosquito Coast**_ **.**

"Ford suggested the River Phoenix to Spielberg because River reminded of him when he was young." Sean said.

 _ **Young Indy (Played by the late River Phoenix): It's the Cross of Coronado. Cortex gave it to him in 1520./That cross is an important artifact. It belongs in a museum.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or does River Phoenix look a tad bit like Peyton Meyer from American Housewife? If they did a Young Indiana Jones movie, then they would have Peyton Meyer as Young Indiana Jones and have him in his first adventure.**

"Ooh, maybe his first adventure would be the Tomb of Terror or the search for the Scarab of Lost Souls." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Young Indy steals the Cross of Coronado a la young Nathan Drake from** _ **Uncharted 3**_ **, but stealth isn't his strong suit.**

 **(While climbing up, Young Indy breaks a piece of wood and gets caught by a man wearing a fedora and his gang)**

 _ **Roscoe (Played by Bradley Gregg): He's got our thing!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Young Indy makes a run for it while the grave robbers chase after him while John Williams' awesome music score kicks in, indicating that this is going to be a fun and thrilling adventure.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **is shown on the corner of the screen, showing Peter Griffin singing the opening chase music from** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **until Meg opens a can of soda)**

"Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The chase continues on a train as Young Indy goes through a few obstacles along the way, including…)**

 **(Young Indy lands into water, where a snake pops out and hisses at him. Young Indy climbs out and rolls into a crate of snakes. Young Indy shouts and screams as snakes are all over him)**

"Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday train!" Sean yelled, imitating Samuel L. Jackson. "There you go, I worked out an edited version of the line for the upcoming sequel Snakes on a Train."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we see how Indy develops his fear of snakes. Yeah, because a few scenes earlier, he grabbed a snake from off of Herman and he wasn't screaming about it. He was being calm-headed.**

 _ **Young Indy: (After grabbing a snake from off of Herman) It's only a snake.**_

"And here." Sean said.

 **(We get a shot of the House of Reptiles car on the train and we hear Young Indy screaming)**

"He turned into a little bitch." Sean said.

 _ **Professor Henry Jones (Played by Sean Connery): This is intolerable!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting out of the reptile car and almost getting his nuts impaled by a rhino, Young Indy swings away but bumps into the man in question himself known as Fedora, played by Richard Young.**

 _ **Fedora (Played by Richard Young): Come on, kid. There's no way out of this.**_

 **(Young Indy falls through the roof of the train boxcar and comes face to face with a lion)**

"Hey, Mufasa has found himself some dinner." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) About to become The Lion King's dinner, Young Indy finds himself a conveniently-placed bullwhip to channel his inner lion tamer.**

 **(Young Indy whips himself in the face, leaving a bloody cut on his chin)**

"And now we know how he got the scar from. But in real life, Harrison Ford got his signature chin scar from a fast car crash. This was long before he played Han Solo in _Star Wars_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy escapes the lion and now Fedora wants what's his but Indy isn't going to give it to him. Not without a fight.**

 _ **Fedora: You got heart, kid, but that belongs to me.**_

 _ **Young Indy: It belongs to Coronado.**_

 _ **Fedora: Coronado is dead and so are all of his grandchildren.**_

 _ **Young Indy: This should be in a museum.**_

 _ **Roscoe: (Grabs Indy's wrist) Now give it back!**_

 **(A snake slithers out of Young Indy's sleeve and onto Roscoe)  
**

_**Roscoe: (Screams) A snake! Snake!**_

"Hey, if the snake bites you, you turn into the drug-dealing snake." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Young Indy makes his escape and runs home to tell his father the good news, but his father is too caught up with something else and makes his son count to twenty in Greek. I guess he's one of those father who don't spend time with their sons. Anyway, Herman arrives with the sheriff but the local sheriff makes Indy return the cross to the robbers, who immediately give it to their mysterious benefactor known as "Panama Hat".**

"Panama Hat? It sounds like a 1920s gangster." Sean said.

 _ **Fedora: You lost today, kid, but it doesn't mean you have to like it.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Fedora give Indy his fedora after being impressed with his bravery, until we cut to 1938, where we see Indiana Jones played by Harrison Ford, on a ship during a violent storm of the coast of Panama, where he confronts Panama Hat while trying to recover the Cross of Coronado.**

 _ **Panama Hat (Played by the late Paul Maxwell) (After grabbing the cross from Indy's bag) This is the second time I've had to reclaim my property from you.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): That belongs in a museum.**_

 _ **Panama Hat: So do you. Throw him over the side.**_

 **(Two of Panama Hat's men try to through Indy over the side of the ship. Indy kicks one of the men off of the ship)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get a thrilling fight scene between Indiana Jones and Panama Hat's men while he tries to recover the cross and escapes overboard just before the ship explodes. Then, we head to the good 'ol U.S of A, where Indy is teaching his class until his good friend Marcus Brody, played by the late Denholm Elliot, arrives after class and he hands Brody the cross.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: You know how long I've been looking for that?**_

 _ **Marcus Brody (Played by the late Denholm Elliot): All your life.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: All my life.**_

"Hey, do you know how long I've been looking for the DVD set of _Life with Derek_? All my life and I'm trying to get some really hot Casey/Derek smut going!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Getting caught up with the daily grind of grading papers, Indy can't handle the stress, so he escapes from his office. Wish I could just clock out without anyone asking me any questions where stuff is at work when they should know that I'm off the clock. As he leaves, Indy is approached by a group of men who work for an American businessman named Walter Donovan, played by Julian Glover.**

"Who my Mom and I met at the Cincinnati Comic Expo back in 2017. I got my picture taken with him and I got an autograph from him. He's a really nice guy. He told me about the James Bond movie _For Your Eyes Only_ and Roger Moore. He was the best part about the Comic Expo." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Walter is a collector of ancient artifacts and he shows Indy am incomplete inscription from a stone tablet that his engineers found it in the mountain region north of Ankara, so Indy translates the inscription.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Translating the inscription) "…who drinks the water I shall give him, says the Lord, will have a… spring inside him welling up for eternal life. Let them bring me to your holy mountain in the place where you dwell. Across the desert and through the mountain to the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, to the temple where the cup that… Where the cup that holds the blood of Jesus Christ resides forever."**_

 _ **Walter Donovan (Played by Julian Glover): The Holy Grail, Dr. Jones. The chalice used by Christ during the Last Supper. The cup that caught His blood at the Crucifixion and was entrusted to Joseph of Arimathea. (Hands Indy a glass of champagne)**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: The Arthur legend.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail**_ **is shown)**

 _ **King Arthur: Well, I am king.**_

"Wrong one." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Donovan tells Indiana that his father vanished in Venice, Italy while searching for the Holy Grail. Indy and Marcus heads down to Henry's house, only to find it ransacked when Indy receives his father's Grail diary via mail from Venice.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Do you believe, Marcus? Do you believe the Grail actually exists?**_

 _ **Marcus Brody: The search for the Cup of Christ is the search for the divine in all of us. But if you want facts, Indy, I've none to give you.**_

 **(Indy moves the mail away, only to look at a photo of him and his father)**

"And I think somebody mastered Adobe Photoshop in the 1980s because they used a photo of Sean Connery and River Phoenix to make a hilarious photo." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, the adventure begins as Indy and Marcus fly down to Venice to search for Indy's father. But before Indy leaves, Donovan has a little piece of advice for him.**

 _ **Walter Donovan: Dr. Jones… good luck. (Shakes Indy's hand) Now be very careful. Don't trust anybody.**_

"Uh, dude? You were on a show involving people betraying each other. And given the show's eighth and final season, people were pissed off about it." Sean said, mentioning _Game of Thrones_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Marcus arrive in Venice, where they meet up with Henry's Austrian colleague, Dr. Schneider. But here's the thing: Dr. Schneider is not a man.**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider (Played by Allison Doody): Dr. Jones?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Yes?  
**_

_**Dr. Elsa Schneider: I knew it was you. You have your father's eyes.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: And my mother's ears, but the rest belongs to you.**_

"Indiana Jones, having his way with the ladies since 1981." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This smoking hot blonde is named Elsa….**

 **(A photo of Elsa from** _ **Disney's Frozen**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Elsa.**

 **(A photo of pornstar Elsa Jean is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You wish. No, Dr. Elsa Schneider, played by Irish actress Allison Doody. Who you might recognize her as Bond girl Jenny Flex in** _ **A View to a Kill**_ **and in the 1988 thriller** _ **Taffin**_ **, starring a pre-James Bond Pierce Brosnan.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Taffin**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mark Taffin (Played by Pierce Brosnan): What goes on in this town is none of your business.**_

 _ **Charlotte (Played by Allison Doody): As long as I'm living here it is!  
**_

_**Mark Taffin: THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE LIVING HEEEEERE!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Schneider is an archaeologist who was working with Indy's father while he was searching for the Grail, so she takes Indy and Marcus to the library where he was last seen beneath the library. Then, Indy makes a discovery when he notices the window, which is the same in his father's diary.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dad wasn't looking for a book about the knight's tomb, he was looking for the tomb itself. Don't you get it? The tomb is somewhere in the library. You said yourself it used to be a church. Look. (Points at a column with the roman numeral III and the window) Three. Three. (Points at another column with the roman numeral VII) Seven. Seven. (Points at the roman numeral X) Ten. And ten. Now where's the ten?**_

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe the ten is around here somewhere. Let me take a wild guess and say that you're standing on it." Sean said.

 **(Indy heads up the stairs and finds the roman numeral X on the floor)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Ten. "X" marks the spot.**_

"What was that he said about x never marks the spot?" Sean asked.

 _ **Indiana Jones: "X" never, ever, marks the spot./ "X" marks the spot.**_

"Haven't you ever learned from _It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World_? "X" always marks the spot." Sean said. "Boy, for an archaeologist, you sure are pretty dumb."

 **(A clip from** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Laughs) Son of a bitch.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy tries to find a way beneath the library but he has to do it quietly…**

 **(Indy slams the floor post down on the floor, making a loud noise)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I said quietly! You're more subtle than the Loud Librarian from** _ **All That**_ **. Anyway, Indy and Elsa…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Frozen**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Elsa (Voiced by Idina Menzel): (Sings) Let it go…**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Elsa. Indy and Elsa head beneath the library, where they travel through the catacombs and we get this nice little callback to** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **.**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: (Notices a painting of the Ark of the Covenant on the wall): What's this one?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: The Ark of the Covenant.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: Are you sure?**_

"Lady, he's pretty sure that's the Ark of the Covenant. And from what happened the last time, some poor souls paid the price for disturbing the Ark. One of them had his face melting to the bone." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While traveling through the catacombs, Indy and Elsa come across petroleum-saturated waters and my third biggest fear aside from snakes and spiders… rats! Dang, poor Elsa. Indy had to carry her so she won't deal with any rats on her. The two of them come across the tomb of the First Crusade knight, which contains the complete version of the inscription that Henry had used, which reveals the location of the Holy Grail. But as Indy gets the location of the Grail, we see a group of killer Arab Shriners setting the waters aflame to kill them, so the two make their way out on the streets of Venice while the baddies chase after them in a thrilling boat chase, with Elsa driving and Indy fighting them.**

 **(Indy sees that Elsa is about to go in between the two ships)**

 _ **Indian Jones: Are you crazy?! Don't go between them!**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: Go between them? Are you crazy?!**_

"Oh, this won't end well." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, did we even hear him say anything about going between the ships? He didn't say anything! All he was doing was beating the crap out of that guy and all of a sudden she was about to drive the boat in between the ships.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: I said go around!**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: You said go between them!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I said don't go between them!**_

"Oh, this one's gonna be close!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The ships move in closer and closer as Indy and Elsa make it pass the ships, but three of the henchmen are not so lucky when they don't make it pass, instantly killing them)**

"Boy, Michael Bay should be proud to see an explosion like this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Arab Shriner tries to eliminate Indy and Elsa with a machine gun, then Indy fights two of the men while the boat is about to get destroyed by a propeller while Indy interrogates the guy.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Why are you trying to kill us?**_

 _ **Kazim (Played by Kevork Malikyan): Because you're looking for the Holy Grail.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: My father was looking for the Holy Grail. Did you kill him too?**_

 _ **Kazim: No.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Where is he? Talk or you're dead.**_

 _ **Kazim: If you don't let go, Dr. Jones, we'll both die.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Then we'll die.**_

 _ **Kazim: My soul is prepared. How's yours?**_

Sean began to chuckle a bit. "Okay, I laugh every time when I hear this guy say that line. I don't know why I find it funny because the Nostalgia Critic used that line right when he was reviewing _Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel_."

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: My soul is prepared! How's yours?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: This is your last chance.**_

 _ **Kazim: No, Dr. Jones, it's yours.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Let me go or we'll both die.**_

 _ **Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Whatever it takes!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy and the man escape and the man introduces himself as Kazim, played by Kevork Malikyan. Kazim is a member of the secret society known as the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword. They're known to protect the Grail from evildoers.**

 _ **Kazim: Ask yourself, why do you seek the Cup of Christ? Is it for His glory, or for yours?**_

"Why don't you try asking the members of _Monty Python_. They're the ones trying to seek the Cup of Christ. And yet, they failed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy tells Kazim that he didn't come for the Cup of Christ, he came to find his father. And Kazim tells him where his father is being held at, the Castle of Brunwald on the Austrian-German border. Later, back at the apartment, Indy and Marcus learn the name of the city which is Alexandretta and Marcus reveals a map which was drawn out by Henry of the route to the Grail, which begins in Alexandretta. Indy tells Marcus to get a hold of his old buddy Sallah and sends him to Iskenderun, the present city built on the ruins of Alexandretta. Then, Indy goes to check on Elsa, only to find that their rooms were ransacked, only because someone was trying to look or his father's Grail diary, which ticks off Elsa.**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: You didn't trust me.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I didn't know you. At least I let you tag along.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: Oh, yes. Give them a flower, and they'll follow you anywhere.**_

"Well, Indy has as strange way of meeting good-looking women." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two continue to bicker for a bit until this happens.**

 **(Indy kisses Elsa)**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: How dare you kiss me!**_

 **(Elsa kisses Indy back)**

"Wow, they went from angry to making out in no time." Sean said.

 _ **Indiana Jones: Leave me alone. I don't like fast women.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: (Starts nibbling on Indy's ear) And I hate arrogant men.**_

 **(We cut to a man on a boat singing in Italian, then we cut back to Indy and Elsa kissing)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Smirks) Ah, Venice.**_

"They should make tourist advertisements for vacationing in Venice." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We get some shots of Venice, with scenes from The Last Crusade incorporated into the tourism commercial parody)**

 **Sean: (V/O as announcer) It's that time of year again, summer vacation. Don't waste your time on the beaches of Hawaii. Instead, why not visit beautiful Venice. There, you will enjoy the four-star reservations at one of our finest hotels. Check out the historical library, which used to be a church. Roam around the underground catacombs with petroleum-laced flammable water and rats. Chased by the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword? Then, hop on one of our boats and have a high-speed boat chase through the waters of Venice. Don't worry, we don't have a gondola that drives on the streets. But the best thing about Venice, is the romance. So, book your tickets to Venice today.**

 **Indiana Jones: Ah, Venice.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Indy and Elsa leave Venice and head down to the Castle of Brunwald in Salzburg where his father is being held and Indy here has the perfect plan of getting into the castle, by posing as a Scottish lord and talking in a bad Scottish accent.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Speaking in a bad Scottish accent) Now buttle off and tell Baron Brunwald that Lord Clarence MacDonald and his lovely assistant…**_

 **(Drags Elsa towards him)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: …are here to view the tapestries.**_

 _ **Butler (Played by Vernon Dobtcheff): Tapestries?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dear me, the man is dense. This is a castle, isn't it? There are tapestries?**_

 _ **Butler: This is a castle, and we have many tapestries. But if you are a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse!**_

"Okay, I just love the humor in this movie. It has some of the best funniest bits in it. Aside from Harrison Ford's bad Scottish accent, that had me cracking up. We'll come to a few more later on." Sean said. "This is why I love the Indiana Jones movies, it has a clever lightheartedness to them."

 **Sean: (Narrating) With his cover blown, Indy knocks the fuck out of the butler and him and Elsa proceed to sneak through the castle, only for them to come across Indy's biggest enemy… NAZIS!**

 **(Indy and Elsa find a Nazi command center in the castle)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Nazis. I hate these guys.**_

"The Nazis are back and this time they're not looking for the Ark of the Covenant because I think they found out what happened to the last group of Nazis and Belloq who opened it. And those two stumbled across a Nazi-controlled castle. You should've seen a giant Nazi flag on the castle. And yes, I know the Nazi's were our enemies during World War II." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy manages to swing to the room where his father is being held, only to get hit on the head by his father, Professor Henry Jones played by Sean Connery, and he's the best part of this movie.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones (Played by Sean Connery): Junior?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Yes, sir.**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: It is you, Junior!**_

"Junior? He calls his son "Junior"?" Sean asked before he starts laughing.

 _ **Indiana Jones: Don't call me that, please.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two have a little reunion and Indy tells his father that he found the entrance through the catacombs.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Through the library?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Right.**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: I knew it. And the tomb of Sir Richard?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Found it.**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: He was actually there? You saw him?**_

"Man, Elsa was right about Indy's father. He's giddy as a schoolboy. He's getting excited about his son finding the tomb of Sir Richard and the inscription on the shield." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But their father-son reunion is cut short when the Nazis ask for the diary. But, Indy might've brought the diary with him instead of leaving it at home, which leads to Henry bickering with his son.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Will you take it easy?**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Take it easy?! Why do you think I sent it home in the first place? So it wouldn't fall into their hands!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I came here to SAVE you!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Oh, yeah? And who's gonna come to save you, JUNIOR?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Shouts) I told you…**_

 **(Grabs the SS Officer's MP40 and starts gunning down the soldiers)  
**

_**Indiana Jones: …don't call me Junior!**_

"Henry isn't happy with how his son turned out." Brian said.

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Look what you did! I can't believe what you did…**_

"That's easy for you to say, old man. You killed a bunch of people back in your day." Sean said.

 **(The James Bond theme plays while we get a montage of Sean Connery's James Bond killing people)**

 _ **James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking. Positively shocking.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Henry check on Elsa, only to find her being held hostage at gunpoint by a Nazi colonel named Vogel, played by Michael Byrne. And then we get a little revelation about Elsa when Henry drops this bombshell.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: But she's one of them.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: Indy, please!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: She's a Nazi.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: What?!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Trust me.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: Indy, no!**_

 _ **Vogel (Played by Michael Byrne): I will kill her!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Yeah? Go ahead!**_

"Elsa's a Nazi? Wow, I did Nazi that one coming." Sean said.

The audience starts booing at Sean after he says his bad pun.

"Get it? Na-zi that one coming. See? Instead of "Not see" I said Nazi because Elsa's a Nazi." Sean said while the audience kept booing at him.

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Don't be.**_

 **(Elsa takes the Grail diary from Indy's pocket, smiles, then hands it to Vogel)**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: But… you should have listened to your father.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Indiana Jones) That dirty bitch. And I slept with her.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Elsa betrays him, Indy and his father get captured by the Nazis and he asks him how does he know that Elsa's a Nazi.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: How did you know she was a Nazi?**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: She talks in her sleep.**_

"She talks in her sleep? What does he mean by that? How would he even know that she talks in her sleep…" Sean said, then he suddenly realizes and gets horrified. "Oh, God!"

 **(We cut to Henry smiling at Indy while sensual music plays in the background)**

"Connery, you dirty bastard!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (V/O as Henry) Yes, Junior. You're not the only one that tapped that ass. I tapped that ass before you. Then Pierce Brosnan tapped that sweet ass as well.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since Indy's day was ruined because of one woman betraying him, he gets another shocker when Donovan is in league with the Nazis as well.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Donovan.**_

 _ **Walter Donovan: Didn't I warn you not to trust anybody, Dr. Jones?**_

"Hey, Indy should've known you were up to no good. You used to work for the Galactic Empire." Sean said as a photo of General Veers from _The Empire Strikes Back_ is shown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that Walter here is shit out of luck because a few pages missing from the diary, which contained the map. Turns out Marcus has the missing pages. Speaking of Brody, he's arrived in Iskenderun where he meets up with a returning character from** _ **Raiders of the Lost**_ **Ark Sallah, played by Man-Ray himself John Rhys-Davies. As the two of them get ready to leave, they bump into a German guide but Sallah here notices something fishy about the two German guides and Marcus is not so bright.**

 _ **German Guide: Papers, please.**_

 _ **Sallah (Played by John Rhys-Davies): (Laughing) Papers? Of course. (To Marcus) Run.**_

 _ **Marcus Brody: Yes.**_

 _ **Sallah: Papers. Got it here. Just finished reading it myself. (To Marcus) Run.**_

 _ **Marcus Brody: Yes.**_

"Dude, he saying "Run", don't stand there like an idiot. Do what he says." Sean said.

 _ **Sallah: "Egyptian Mail," morning edition. (To Marcus) Run.**_

 _ **Marcus Brody: Did you say, uh…**_

"You stupid mother…. RUN!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Sallah: Run!**_

 **(Sallah punches one of the German guides)**

"And this is the guy who got lost in the archives room of his own museum." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Brody and Sallah manage to get away from the hired goons but Sallah fails to protect Brody when he gets captured by the Nazis. Meanwhile, Indy and Henry get tied up as Donovan and Elsa leave. But before she leaves for Berlin with the diary, she gives Indy a little goodbye kiss.**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: (To Indy) I can't forget how wonderful it was.**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Thank you. It was rather wonderful.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Indy) Uh, I believe she was talking to…**

 **(Elsa kisses Indy as Henry turns and looks away)**

 **Brian: (V/O as Henry) Lucky bastard.**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: That's how Austrians say good-bye.**_

 _ **Vogel: And this is how we say good-bye in Germany, Dr. Jones.**_

 **(Vogel punches Indy in the face. Indy's head smack into Henry's behind him)**

"And this is how we say "Fuck you" in America, herr Vogel and frauline Schneider." Sean said while giving the middle finger.

"I'd go with a kiss over a punch in the face." Brian said.

"Same here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Henry try to free themselves by trying to burn through the ropes with Indy's lighter, only for Henry dropping the lighter and accidentally setting the room on fire like someone from World's Dumbest.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dad!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: What?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dad!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: What?**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dad!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: What?!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Head for the fireplace!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our heroes head for the fireplace to avoid getting burned and to free themselves, only for Indy to hit a button, revolving the fireplace, which reveals a radio room full of Nazi officers.**

 **(A female officer turns and sees them. Indy and Henry smile at the female officer very awkwardly. The female officer smiles at them)**

 _ **Female Officer at Castle (Played by Nicola Scott): ALARM!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Whoa! Did the female officer immediately turn into Mindy Sterling from the Austin Powers movies?**

 _ **Female Officer at Castle: ALARM!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Frau Farbissina (Played by Mindy Sterling): Send in the FEMBOTS!**_

"KILL THE AMERICANS!" Sean yelled out, imitating Frau Farbissina.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two eventually free themselves and trap the Nazi officers in a burning room as they make their escape.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: I find, that if I just sit down and think…**_

 **(Henry sits in the chair, which tilts backwards and opens up a hidden staircase)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Falls down hidden staircase) Daaaaad!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: The solution presents itself!**_

"And his father is being the smart one here while Indy was looking for a hidden passage. He found it for him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And coming up is what I have to say the best chase scene ever in the history of the film series. What we have here is a motorcycle chase between Indy, Henry and the Nazis accompanied by John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra.**

 **(We see the Nazis chasing Indy and Henry on motorcycles)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Look at this Indy moment, he grabs a flagpole and uses it as a jousting lance on a Nazi, who's armed with an MP40 submachine gun.**

 **(The Nazi aims his machine gun at Indy and his father, but then he gets hit by Indy and falls off of his motorcycle. The Nazi soldier's motorcycle hit the other two, causing them to fly off)**

"Okay, that was pretty awesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But there's one more Nazi soldier on their tail as Indy manages to dispose of the guy in his own special way.**

 **(Indy sticks the pole into the soldier's wheel, causing it to explode. He looks back and laughs. He then looks at his father, who's not impressed with what he's done)**

"That's my reaction after watching ProJared." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that exciting motorcycle chase, Indy wants to go after Marcus but Henry wants to go to Berlin to get his diary back because there's more in the diary than just the map and he who finds the Grail must face the final challenge, which involves three traps.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Half the German army's on our tail, and you want me to go to Berlin? Into the lion's den?**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Yes. The only thing that matters is the Grail.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: What about Marcus?**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Marcus would agree with me.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Two selfless martyrs. Jesus Christ.**_

 **(Henry slaps Indy angrily)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: That's for blasphemy.**_

"Well, excuse me. I'll make sure not to use the Lord and his son's name in vain while I'm around him." Sean said, chuckling a bit.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, who's busy reading The Cincinnati Enquirer while Brian, who's playing Professor Henry Jones, drinking a cup of coffee. Dave enters the room and sneezes)**

 **Sean: God bless you.**

 **(Brian slaps Sean in the face)**

 **Brian: (as Professor Henry Jones) That's for blasphemy.**

 **Sean: (Stays silent for a bit before speaking) Sorry.**

 **Sean: So, our two heroes head down to Berlin, where a book burning rally is going on. And yeah, that actually did happen back in the 1930s. You have the Nazis burning books because they were viewed as being subversive or as representing ideologies opposed to Nazism.**

"Here, I have the Twilight books and the Fifty Shades trilogy. You guys can burn them. And I also have Batman & Robin and Superman IV. Burn those two as well. Thanks." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy confronts that lying bitch Elsa and recovers the diary from her to keep it from being burned by the Nazi scum, but Elsa has her own views of the Grail.**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: I believe in the Grail, not the swastika.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: But you stood up to be counted with the enemy of everything that the Grail stands for. Who gives a damn what you think?**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: You do.**_

 **(Indy grabs Elsa by the throat)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: All I have to do is squeeze.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: All I have to do is scream.**_

"Well. Go ahead, Indy. Break the bitch's neck. She lied to you and she's working with the enemy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Indy doesn't kill Elsa. He should but that's not in his code of ethics to kill an attractive woman like her. After Indy recovers the Grail diary, him and his father get ready to leave the book burning rally, until Indy has a brief encounter with the Fuhrer himself…**

 **(Indy briefly comes face-to-face with Adolf Hitler)**

"Uh, Bruno Ganz from _Downfall_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, that's not Bruno Ganz from Downfall, that's actually the late Michael Sheard playing Adolf Hitler. And you'll probably recognize Sheard as this character from another George Lucas movie.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Admiral Ozzel (Played by the late Michael Sheard): Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to… (Gasps as Darth Vader starts telekinetically strangling him)**_

 **(Hitler sees the Grail diary and takes it in his hand. He opens it and signs his name in it)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Indy) I can't believe I got the Fuhrer's autograph. Wait till Dad finds out about this.**

"Big whoop. I got Julian Glover's autograph, buddy boy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to an airport, where Indy and Henry are preparing to leave Germany on a Zeppelin. (Sees that blue-screen effect) Oh, the humanity. Yeah, 1989 was a busy year for Lucas' visual effects company Industrial Light and Magic. I know that this is the 80s but that visual effect looks silly with it's blue-screen work. This was the same year that ILM worked on films like** _ **Back to the Future Part II, Ghostbusters II, The Abyss**_ **and** _ **Leviathan**_ **. Anyway, just when Indy and Henry are home free, guess who shows up.**

 **(The** _ **Imperial March**_ **plays as Vogel appears)**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Goonies**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mouth (Played by Corey Feldman): Jerk alert!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Indy comes up with a plan to avoid getting arrested by the Nazis as he disguises himself as a ticket-taker and treats Vogel like passenger aboard United Airlines.**

 **(Indy punches Vogel, picks him up and throws him out a window into a pile of luggage while the other passengers look at him)**

"Well, Vogel did Nazi that one coming." Sean said as the audience boos at him from his bad pun. "What? You don't like that bad pun? Let me just stop with the Nazi jokes. They're making you Fuhrerious."

 **(As the zeppelin flies away, Vogel gets up and waves his fist while shouting in German)**

"Okay, is it just me or does this shot of Vogel waving his fist like a cartoon villain look silly?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (V/O as Vogel) Next time, Joneses! Next time!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting away from Vogel, it's time for some father-son bonding between Indy and his father.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: You know, sharing your adventures is an interesting experience.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: That's not all we shared. It's disgraceful. You're old enough to be her fa… her-her grandfather.**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Well, I'm as human as the next man.**_

"Eww! Please, I do not want to think about that wrinkled old man banging that smoking hot chick. Let Asia keep their elder porn." Sean said, cringing a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, after their attempt to bond with each other, Henry tells Indy the three challenges that they have to face. The first challenge: The Breath of God. Only the penitent man will pass. The second challenge: The Word of God. Only in the footsteps of God will he proceed. And the third challenge: The Path of God. Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth.**

"What the hell does that even mean?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Indy notices something wrong about their flight when the zeppelin turns around, sending them back to Germany after he finds out that disconnecting the radio wasn't enough, so the only way to get off of this blimp is by escaping in a biplane.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Fly, yes. (Starts the plane) Land, no.**_

"Oh, from your experiences with flying, you definitely have trouble in that area." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the two fly away and just as things couldn't possibly get any worse, squadron of Luftwaffe fighters attack them.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Little Rascals**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Alfalfa (Played by Bug Hall): Oh, and the clouds open up and God said, "I hate you, Alfalfa.".**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dad, you're going to have to use the machine gun. Get it ready.**_

 **(Henry gets the machine gun ready)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Eleven o'clock! Dad, eleven o'clock!**_

 **(Henry checks his watch)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: What happens at eleven o'clock?**_

"A new episode of _Total Dramarama_. What the fuck do you think?! He's telling you to shoot at the bad guys!" Sean yelled out.

 **(They engage in a dogfight with Luftwaffe fighters. Henry continues to shoot at the fighters until he accidentally shoots their own plane with the machine gun)**

"Why do I see Hanna Marin from _Pretty Little Liars_ doing something like this?" Brian asked.

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Attempting to land) Hang on, Dad. We're going in!**_

 **(Henry ducks down as Indy lands. Then crashes into a house with an explosion added to it. Then a photo of Indy and Henry is shown with the words "We'll be right back" on the screen while the** _ **Indiana Jones**_ **theme is played badly by a flute player)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm kidding. But that should've happened. Never let Harrison Ford fly a plane! After that nice landing, Indy and Henry make a run for it to find an alternate mode of transportation.**

 **(A Luftwaffe fighter shoots at Indy and Henry)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Those people are trying to kill us!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I know, Dad!**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Well. It's a new experience for me.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Hands his father his briefcase) It happens to me all the time.**_

"And there goes your line for the trailer." Sean said.

 **(The trailer for** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **is shown)**

 **(The Luftwaffe fighter shoots at Indy and Henry)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Those people are trying to kill us!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I know, Dad!**_

 **(The Luftwaffe fighter flies away)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: It's a new experience for me.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: It happens to me all the time.**_

 **(The title of the movie is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade…**_

"Cue the tagline for the movie." Sean points towards the camera.

 _ **Announcer: Have the adventure of your life. Keeping up with the Joneses.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Indy and Henry manage to swipe some wheels to drive away from the Nazi fighters that are trying to kill them. They manage to make short work of them, until one of the fighters drop a bomb on them. Well, it's time for Indy to use his trusty revolver, but Henry has a better idea.**

 **(Henry opens his umbrella and starts squawking and running towards the seagulls, causing them to fly into the Luftwaffe fighter and making him crash into a mountain)**

"I've heard of a bird strike, but that wasn't what I had in mind." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Republic of Hatay, where we see Donovan speaking with the Sultan of Hatay, played by English comedian Alexei Sayle. Donovan gives the Sultan some precious treasures, but the Sultan sees something better that he likes.**

 _ **Sultan (Played by Alexei Sayle): (Sees the Rolls-Royce Phantom Two) Ah! Rolls-Royce Phantom Two. Four-point-three liter, 30 horsepower, six-cylinder engine, with Stromberg downdraft carburetor. Can go from zero to 100 kilometers an hour in 12. 5 seconds. And I even like the color.**_

 _ **Walter Donovan: The keys are in the ignition, Your Highness.**_

Then all of a sudden, R. Kelly's _Ignition_ starts playing in the background, startling the young critic for a bit.

"Stop, stop, stop!" Sean yelled out as the song stops. "We're not going to be playing any R. Kelly songs for this review. None of that."

 _ **R. Kelly: (Crying) I'm fighting for my (Beep) life!**_

"Enough!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Sultan of Hatay supplies Donovan and the Nazis with camels, horses, an armed escort, desert vehicles and the whole deal. And tanks as well. Meanwhile, Indy and Henry meet up with Sallah in Hatay and they learn about Marcus' abduction, which Henry doesn't take too well.**

 **(Henry hits Indy with his hat)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Now they have the map. And in this sort of race, there's no silver medal for finishing second.**_

"Uh, I beg to differ. You can get a silver medal for finishing second." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the race for the Grail is on as we see the Nazis arrive in the desert with….**

 **(We see a tank driving through the desert, leading a convoy)**

"A WWI tank. Where in the hell did they get a WWI tank from?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy, Henry and Sallah spot the convoy and Indy doesn't know that the Nazis could spot him because of the flash from his binoculars.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: What do you think you're doing there? Get down!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Dad, we're well out of range.**_

 **(The tank fires at them, only destroying Sallah's brother-in-law's car)**

"You were saying, Indy? You stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Another clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Who's scruffy looking?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Indy, Henry and Sallah are not the only one's out in a place where's it's filled with Anakin Skywalker's worst fears…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones**_ **)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) …we see that Kazim and the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword are there and they start ambushing Donovan and the Nazis while Indy and Sallah organize some transportation. But the Nazis make short work of Brotherhood when they proceed to eliminate them…**

 **(One of the Nazis throw a grenade at the members of the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword. The grenade explodes and then we get treated to a Wilhelm Scream sound effect from one of the men)**

"Hey! We got a Wilhelm Scream. Let's count that one and the one in The Phantom Menace. So, that's two on the Wilhelm Scream counter." Sean said.

 **Wilhelm Scream Counter: 2**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy manages to snag some horses while Henry enters the tank and attempts to free Brody, but he ends up getting captured by Vogel and his men and the Nazi colonel starts interrogating him.**

 _ **Vogel: What is in this book? That miserable little diary of yours.**_

 **(Slaps Henry in the face with his glove)**

"Dude!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Vogel: The book is useless. And yet you come all the way back to Berlin to get it. Why?**_

 **(Vogel slaps Henry in the face with his glove again)**

"Easy, now." Sean said.

 **(Vogel slaps Henry in the face once more)**

"Enough with the slaps, you damn bird!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Vogel tries to slap Henry in the face, but Henry stops him)**

"I have something to ask you, you montabank. A riddle. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore." Sean said imitating Sean Connery. "I'll take "Buck Futter" for $500 Trebek."

 _ **Walter Donovan: Jones is getting away.**_

 _ **Vogel: I think not, Herr Donovan.**_

 _ **Walter Donovan: Not that Jones, the other Jones!**_

 **(We see Indy riding on a horse, taking a few horses with him while laughing)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Indy) Fooled you, bitches! (Laughs)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the best part of the film where Indy chases a tank holding his father and Brody. And he has a bright idea to chase a tank… on a horse.**

"You're on a horse and you're chasing a tank that could possibly run you over or blow you away. That's the craziest idea I've ever heard in my life." Sean said.

 **(One of the Nazi's honk their horn at the tank. Vogel screams and hits the jeep)**

"Okay, making the Nazis act like the Stormtroopers, now that is a brilliant idea because they're both clumsy idiots." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Indy manages to hop on to the tank and comes face to face with Colonel Vogel, but the few of his boys manage to act like a bunch of wrestlers from WWE to join in on the fight.**

 **(Two more Nazi soldiers jump onto the tank while Indy fights the first soldier. He pistol whips the soldier, then shoots him with the Walther P38 as the bullet goes through a row of Nazi soldiers. Indy is then amazed at the power of the Walther)**

"Okay, that looks like something that _Deadpool_ would do. And also, I doubt it's possible to kill three people in a row with one bullet from a Walther P38 handgun, unless you have that magic bullet that can do the job. Unless, it's a myth that needs to be busted." Sean said.

"Like he said in _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ , he makes things up as he goes." Brian said.

 **(Vogel tries to strangle Indy with a chain as Indy drops the gun in the tank)**

 **Indiana Jones: Dad! Dad! Dad! Get out!**

 **(Henry looks at the gun and puts on the hat)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Henry) Hmm, I wonder what this gun does.**

 **(Indy punches a Nazi soldier, who ends up getting run over by the tank)**

"Holy shit! That was brutal!" Sean exclaimed in shock.

 **Sean: (Narrating) My God, some guy got ran over by a tank. That was pretty violent for a PG-rating. This is supposed to be a family film.**

 **(The rating PG-13 pops up on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. They definitely deserved that PG-13 rating.**

 **(Indy tries to break free from Vogel, but bumps into the tank's periscope as the tank crewman smiles)**

 _ **Tank Crewman (Played by Nick Gilliard): (In German) These Americans fight like women.**_

 **(Indy kicks the periscope, hitting the tank crewman in the head as Henry and the soldier fight over the gun while we cut to Indy, who's busy getting strangled by Vogel, which looks like he's humping him)**

"Whoa! Keep it clean here, Spielberg! I know that this movie is rated PG-13 but you don't have to make it look like that Vogel is banging Indy from behind." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Indy is busy fighting Vogel, Henry fights a Nazi over a gun and began to unleash his inner James Bond.**

 **(Henry pulls out a pen and squirts ink into the Nazi soldier's eyes)**

 _ **Marcus Brody: Henry, the pen…**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: What?  
**_

_**Marcus Brody: But don't you see? The pen is mightier than the sword.**_

"Uh, Marcus. I believe that the Joker's got you beat with that line." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Played by Jack Nicholson): The pen is truly mightier than the sword.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The fight on top of the tank begin to intensify as Indy hangs on to dear life after Henry blows up a jeep filled with Nazis. Vogel grabs a shovel and tries to kill Indy WWE-style or have the tank driver drive the tank into a wall to kill him.**

 **(Marcus grabs a tank round and hits the Nazi soldier in the head. He fires the pistol as the bullet ricochets around the tank and hits the tank driver in the head)**

"Nice job, dumbass. Now, you just killed Indy." Sean said.

 **(The tank driver leans down on the controls as the tank moves away. The theme music plays as he climbs onto the turret and punches Vogel)**

"That's right, Indy! Go get that Nazi who looks like the Illinois Nazi from The Blues Brothers." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we see the tank is about to drive off a cliff as Indy, Henry and Marcus manage to get off of the tank but Indy is having a little trouble with Herr Vogel. With Henry and Marcus off of the tank, Indy fights off Vogel and sees that the tank is about to drive off of the cliff as he tries to get off of the tank and….**

 **(The tank drives off of the cliff as Vogel screams, then crashes to the ground. Henry, Marcus and Sallah check to see if Indy made it off of the tank alright)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Junior?!**_

 **(The tank explodes)**

 _ **Sallah: Indy!**_

"Oh my God. Indy is… dead? I can't believe it. He's gone." Sean said, looking down in sadness.

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Oh, God. I've lost him. I never told him anything. I just wasn't ready, Marcus. Five minutes would have been enough.**_

"Farewell, Indy. You will always be missed. I grew up watching your greatest adventures. Even though _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_ creeped me the hell out when I was a kid." Sean said.

 **(We see Indy climbing up the cliff and stands next to his father while him, Sallah and Marcus look on at the wreckage)**

"And I see that you're still alive and standing next to your father. Nevermind. IT'S A MIRACLE!" Sean yelled out with a smile on his face.

 **(Henry, relieved to see his son alive, hugs him)**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: I thought I'd lost you, boy!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I thought you had too, sir.**_

 **(Sallah smiles while Marcus looks a bit confused**

"Hey, he's Indiana Jones. You should know that, Marcus. He can get himself out of any situation." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now, our heroes continue their quest to search for the Holy Grail as they arrive at the Canyon of the Crescent Moon but it looks like they're too late when they find Donovan, Elsa and the surviving Nazis at the temple where the Grail is kept but their men are not up to the challenge of surviving the deadly traps.**

 **(One of the men has their head cut off by one of the traps. His head rolls over to where Indy is hiding out at)**

"Aren't you glad that they gave this movie a PG-13 rating so they can give us scenes like this?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But our heroes end up getting caught and Donovan wants Indy to recover the Grail for them, but Indy tells Donovan to fuck off and Donovan is not that kind of person that you want to turn down, so he shoots Indy's father in order for Indy to risk his life to get the Grail.**

 _ **Walter Donovan: (Points the gun at Indy) You can't save him when you're dead! The healing power of the Grail is the only thing that can save your father now. It's time to ask yourself what you believe.**_

"If you don't do as I say, then I will kill you before you even do Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With his father's life hanging in the balance Indy has to risk his life to get the Grail in order to save his life and he has to go through the three paths. First up, "The Path of God", only the penitent man will pass.**

 _ **Indiana Jones: …kneels before God. Kneel!**_

 **(Indy ducks and rolls to avoid the trap, then uses a rope to stop the gears, clearing the way for Donovan and Elsa)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: I'm through!**_

"Wow, that was not so bad. These three paths seem easy. Let's see if he can keep up." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Next up is "The Word of God", only in the footsteps of God will he proceed.**

 **(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **Dragon's Lair**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: (Chuckles with pride) Child's play.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: The name of God. "Jehovah".**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: But in the Latin alphabet, "Jehovah" begins with an "I".**_

"Oh, no. Holy shit. Indy, don't step on the letter J!" Sean called out.

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Steps on the letter "J") J…**_

 **(The J on the floor breaks as Indy fall through the floor but manages to hang on)**

 **(Another clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of** _ **Dragon's Lair**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: (Panicking) Oh, God! Oh, shit! Oh, man! Oh, Christ! Oh, cock! Oh, dick!**_

 _ **(We cut back to the movie)**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Oh, dear.**_

 _ **(We cut back to the clip)**_

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: (Keeps panicking) Oh, whatever swear word I left out!**_

 _ **(Eventually, Indy picks himself up)**_

 _ **Nostalgia Critic: (Facepalms in frustration) Oh, fudge!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Idiot.**_

"In the Latin alphabet, "Jehovah" begins with an "I". The letter "I" as in "Idiot"!" Sean yelled out. "Try again."

 _ **Indiana Jones: (Steps on the letters) "I." "E." "H." "O." "V." "A."**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And last but not least is "The Path of God". Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth. Uh, I don't see a bridge. I don't see anything.**

"Well, how the hell is he supposed to go through this, jump?" Sean asked.

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: You must believe, boy. You must believe.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get one of the best moments in the film series with the most awesome visual effect ever. The hidden bridge, it's like a magic eye trick. It seems invisible and when the camera turns, it reveals a bridge. Okay, the visual effects team at ILM get gold stars. That is the coolest visual effect ever! So finally, Indy reaches the Grail's chamber, which is guarded by an elderly Grail Knight, played by the late Richard Eddison.**

 _ **Grail Knight (Played by the late Richard Eddison): (On Indy's outfit) You're strangely dressed, for a knight.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I'm not exactly… A knight? What do you mean?**_

 _ **Grail Knight: I was chosen because I was the bravest, most worthy. The honor was mine until another came to challenge me to single combat. (Grabs his sword and hands it to Indy) I pass it to you who vanquished me.**_

Sean looks at the camera and makes a cuckoo noise.

"Well, he's been stuck there for what, 700 years?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before Indy could explain what's going on, Donovan and Elsa show up and Donovan tries to pick out which one is the grail.**

 _ **Grail Knight: You must choose, but choose wisely. For as the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you.**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: Let me choose.**_

 _ **Walter Donovan: Thank you, Doctor.**_

 **(Elsa selects a golden chalice studded with emeralds and hands it over to Donovan)**

 _ **Walter Donovan: Oh, yes. It's more beautiful than I'd ever imagined.**_

"Take it easy there, Walter. No need to jizz in your pants from the sight of the grail, which doesn't look like a grail." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Donovan ends up drinking out of the cup, but he should've had John Cena ask him if he's sure about that when this happens.**

 **(We see that Walter is rapidly aging after drinking out of the false grail. Elsa screams while Donovan rapidly ages and turns into a skeleton before turning into dust)**

 _ **Grail Knight: He chose poorly.**_

"Oh, yeah. I'm so glad that this movie got a PG-13 rating. I thought his face was going to melt off or have his head explode like the last guy. But he gets the award for the most scariest death scene in film history." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's Indy's turn to choose wisely when he picks up a simple ceramic cup, without any harmful side effects.**

 _ **Grail Knight: You have chosen wisely. But the Grail cannot pass beyond the Great Seal. That is the boundary and the price of immortality.**_

"I'm only going to say this one time. Do not cross the Seal or you'll pay the price." Sean said, imitating the Grail Knight.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Indy rushes back with the Grail filled with holy water and gives it to Henry and uses it to heal him.**

"Yeah, for _Kingdom of the Crystal Skull_ to kill off his character even though he drank the water that will give him eternal life. You suck." Sean said.

"Well, Sean Connery didn't want to come back for it." Brian pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But apparently, someone wants the Grail for themselves and decides to break the rules. I'm talking about you, ya blonde Nazi bitch.**

 **(Indy sees Elsa about to cross the Seal)**

 _ **Indiana Jones: Elsa! Elsa, don't move!**_

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: (Crosses the Seal) It's ours, Indy, yours and mine.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: Elsa, don't cross the Seal. The knight warned us not to take the Grail from here.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the temple collapses with everyone trying to escape while Indy tries to Elsa while she's trying to recover the grail. What? Is she fucking nuts?!**

 _ **Dr. Elsa Schneider: (While reaching for the Grail) I can reach it. I can reach it.**_

"Elsa, let it go." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard

 **(Elsa plummets to her death into a chasm)**

"Well, at least Indy let her go." Sean said as another comedic rimshot is heard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Henry saves Indy while he's about to suffer the same fate as Elsa.**

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: (While holding onto Indy's hand) Junior, give me your other hand! I can't hold on!**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: (While reaching for the Grail) I can get it. I can almost reach it, Dad.**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: Indiana… Indiana… Let it go.**_

"Hmm, I wonder why this looks very familiar." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of the** _ **Tomb Raider**_ **games is shown)**

 **(A bearded guy appears from the side)**

 _ **Man: Junior, let it go.**_

 _ **Angry Video Game Nerd: But I'm so close! I'm so close! I can finish it!**_

 _ **Man: Nerd… (Whispering) Let it go.**_

 **(The Nerd concedes)**

 _ **Angry Video Game Nerd: You're right. Fuck this shitty game.**_

 **(The Nerd drops the PS2 into the lava pit)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And finally, our heroes managed to escape but not with the Grail. And in that case, happy ending! The adventure for the Grail is over and we get why Henry calls Indiana "Junior".**

 _ **Sallah: Please, what does it always mean, this… This "Junior"?**_

 _ **Professor Henry Jones: That's his name: Henry Jones, Junior.**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I like Indiana.**_

 _ **Professor Indiana Jones: We named the dog Indiana.**_

 _ **Marcus Brody: May we go home now, please?**_

 _ **Sallah: The dog? You are named after the dog? (Laughs)**_

 _ **Indiana Jones: I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog.**_

"Yeah and you're named after George Lucas' dog, whose name is Indiana." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we end with one of my favorite shots from the film, the shot of Indy, Henry, Marcus and Sallah riding into the sunset. I need to use that shot as my Facebook cover photo because that has to be the most epic shot ever. The End. Until we have to wait nineteen years for** _ **Kingdom of the Crystal Skull**_ **and for George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to ruin the franchise with fucking aliens and Shia "Just Do It!" LaBeouf.**

"And that was _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_ and yes, it's the best one ever." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now after re-watching** _ **The Last Crusade**_ **, I remember how much I enjoyed watching the film when I was young. And I still talk about the movie with my friends till this day. The action scenes, the music, the story, the characters and the visual effects are amazing and a lot of fun to watch. I can't find anything wrong with it. Well, unless you want me to nitpick. Yeah, the visual effects on the movie can be dated, the flying sequence with Indy and Henry looked a bit dodgy with it's blue screen effects. Just like** _ **Raiders**_ **and** _ **Temple of Doom**_ **, the characters are memorable. Harrison Ford is badass as always as Indiana Jones, Elsa is sexy and backstabbing, Walter Donovan has got to be my favorite villain ever aside from Belloq. You have this American businessman who has a fondness for historical items and his goal was to get the Grail. Props to Julian Glover, he did a fantastic job in playing that character. And what's there to say about Sean Frickin' Connery as Professor Henry Jones. I absolutely loved him, he's the best part about this movie.**

"So the question remains. Which one is better: _Raiders_ or _The Last Crusade_. Well, maybe this clip from _The Road to El Dorado_ will answer your question." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Road to El Dorado**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Miguel (Voiced by Kenneth Branagh): Both.**_

 _ **Tulio (Voiced by Kevin Kline): Both.**_

 _ **Miguel and Tulio: Both.**_

 _ **Miguel: Both is good.**_

 **(They both nod at each other)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, they're both awesome films. They're basically the same film beat for beat. Hell, there was a debate on Cinemassacre's Rental Reviews on which one is better** _ **Raiders**_ **or** _ **The Last Crusade**_ **. Why not both? But** _ **The Last Crusade**_ **is my favorite, I love it a little bit more than** _ **Raiders**_ **. Just like** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **, which is my favorite in the original** _ **Star Wars Trilogy**_ **, this is my favorite, it had a lot of great moments and I love the running gag of Henry calling Indiana "Junior" and the father-son relationship between Indy and his father is what make this the strongest in the series. That's why I'm giving** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **5 Holy Grails out of 5.**

"That's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and the next movie that I'm going to review… I'm not looking forward to it." Sean said. "Mostly, this next film is going to be part of _The Summer of Star Wars._ Better bring booze."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Don't call me Junior!**_

 **That's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **. I'm curious to know which one do you like better** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **or** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **? Next time, Sean kicks off** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with** _ **Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones**_ **, a movie that Sean dreads watching. Don't forget to review the new chapter, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	63. TSOSW Part I: AOTC

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and welcome to the start of** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **. You all enjoyed** _ **The Summer of Vacation**_ **last year when I reviewed the** _ **Vacation**_ **film series, well today, I'm going to be taking a look at the Star Wars film series, which means I will be reviewing the prequels, the original trilogy and the new trilogy. I will review the spin-off movies later on. Today, Sean kicks off** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with what is considered to be the worst** _ **Star Wars**_ **movie ever. And of course, I'm talking about** _ **Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones**_ **. You know, a bad prequel deserves a bad follow-up. Let's check out the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Get a beer ready because this one is going to suck. Enjoy, and let's pray for the best.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones**_ **is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, Lucasfilm Ltd and Walt Disney.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part I: Attack of the Clones**

We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic outside sitting at a table while drinking an ice cold glass of lemonade and enjoying the sunny weather on this nice Monday afternoon. The young critic was busy typing on his laptop and sighed in relaxation.

"Ah, FanFiction. Such thought provoking content where we write down our fanfics for our favorite shows. And what better way to do that is by doing a smutty Taylor/Trip/Brie fanfic for the _American Housewife_ category." Sean said while typing on his laptop before looking at the camera. "Oh, hey. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's June and yes, we have to wait till September when the new seasons of our favorite television shows start and the final season of Modern Family. I'm gonna miss that show. But to keep you guys occupied, I'm gonna start another silly celebration. Remember last year when I started _The Summer of Vacation_? Well, starting June, I'm going to be doing another one. That's right, this time its….

Sean then gets up from off out of the chair and starts running around to the front of the house.

" _THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS_!" Sean said in a deep voice before entering the house and sat down on the couch before speaking in his normal voice. "This summer, I will be taking a look at the _Star Wars_ movies. Which means the dreaded prequels, the original trilogy, _The Force Awakens_ and _The Last Jedi_. Unless you want me to add something else to this list. Not a certain Christmas special. Well, let's talk about _The Phantom Menace_."

 **(The** _ **Star Wars**_ **theme plays while clips from** _ **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Despite what you may think, I thought that** _ **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**_ **was a good movie. Okay, you might be asking "You think that Episode I was good?". Okay, good might be a bit of a stretch but it had some awesome moments in it. Like the Podracing sequence, Liam Fuckin' Neeson, Darth Maul being awesome as hell, that epic lightsaber duel between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul, the cutting edge visual effects from ILM and John Williams' awesome score. But I do feel that there are some ideas that need to be changed, like Jar-Jar being funny and Anakin Skywalker. If I was a story exec up at Fox and George Lucas was like "This is the film I'm doing." And I'll be like "No, let's go through this right now and let's see what ideas work and don't work."**

"I wouldn't call _The Phantom Menace_ a total disaster. But hey, we know which episode of _Star Wars_ was. And that was _Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones_." Sean said.

 **(The title card for the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 16, 2002. It's the second installment of the** _ **Star Wars**_ **prequel trilogy. It continues to set up the events leading up to the main trilogy. And you might think that George Lucas would've learned from his mistakes and that** _ **Episode II**_ **was going to be awesome. Well, there are some things that** _ **Episode II**_ **has done better than Episode I but the film is just straight-out dull and not very interested to look at with bad writing. Hell, when I was ten years old and saw this movie with my mother, I got bored with it.**

"You know, I don't know why you guys want me to suffer through this. Haven't I suffered enough? I guess not because I'd rather be writing some Ramona/Rocki smut for _Fuller House_ or Taylor/Brie smut for _American Housewife_. Or better yet Betty/Veronica smut for _Riverdale_! Need to watch some lesbian porn for some inspiration. Anyway, let's take a look at _Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Groans_ to see what a steaming pile of Bantha shit it was." Sean said.

 **(The movie starts with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…". But instead it says, "As you know by now…")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As you know by now, our story begins with the obligatory text scroll. We see that there's a crisis in the Galactic Senate because it is threatened by the Separatist movement organized by the mysterious Count Dooku. And we learn that Padme is a senator now. Wait, how the hell did she become a senator? How do you go from queen to senator? Oh, screw it. Let's continue. We open on Coruscant, where we see Padme once again played by Natalie Portman, has arrived to vote on the idea for the Republic to have an army to keep the peace. And I have to question this scene right now because of what happens next.**

 _ **Capt. Typho (Played by Jay Laga'aia): I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all.**_

 **(The ship explodes, killing Padme's decoy and her guards)**

"You were saying?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what is up with that ironic twist of fate there? This Reggie Theus-looking dude says that there was no danger at all and then all of a sudden…**

 **(Tweety Bird pops up)**

 _ **Tweety Bird: BOOM!**_

"Oh, you all know what I'm talking about and yes The Unusual Suspect was talking about this trope while he reviewed this movie. It's a trope called the comedic tempting fate trope." Sean said.

 **(Clips from films and television shows that used the comedic tempting fate trope is shown. Movies and television shows** _ **like Ice Age, Die Hard 2, Young Frankenstein, GoldenEye, Avatar: The Last Airbender**_ **and** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's when a character says something that dares the universe into making things miserable for them, and the universe takes them up on that challenge. There are times when a character is commenting on how they've hit Rock Bottom and how things couldn't possibly get any worse right before things do turn from bad to worse. Like for example: take a look at the 1994 film adaptation of** _ **The Little Rascals**_ **.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Little Rascals**_ **is shown. Alfalfa, who's just in his underwear, runs for his life to avoid getting caught by Butch and Woim)**

 _ **Alfalfa (Played by Bug Hall): Things couldn't possibly get any worse!**_

 **(He then runs into Butch and Woim)**

 _ **Alfalfa: Then the clouds open up and God said, "I hate you, Alfalfa!"**_

"You see? That works. Why did they use that here?" Sean asked.

 **(The scene where Padme's decoy is killed plays once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, it's a comedic trope. It's used right when people are killed in an explosion. Can you imagine something like that happening during the Obi-Wan/Vader duel in A New Hope?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Han Solo. He sees Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi having a lightsaber duel) Hey, kid! Don't worry about the old man, I think he's gonna do just fi….**

 **(Darth Vader kills Obi-Wan)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): No!**_

 **Sean: Oops. Spoke too soon.**

"Look, George. I love your movies and all but there comes a time to incorporate humor into your scenes, there's a right time to do it. This isn't one of them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Padme used her decoy Corde, played by Veronica Segura, to fool her assassins who are trying to kill her. (Chuckles after he sees that the decoy doesn't have any shoes on) And look at this, that explosion was so powerful that it knocked the decoy out of her shoes. Man, can you imagine Sansa Stark using a decoy to fool her assassins. But hey, I guess this pacifistic character is putting her friends in danger just to save her own neck.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Pretty Little Liars**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jenna Marshall (Played by Tammin Sursok): I may not be able to see but I can smell a bitch from a mile away.**_

"She still has enemies from her days as the Queen." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the assassination attempt on her life, Padme wants answers to know who's trying to kill her, so she goes to the Jedi for help.**

 _ **Padme (Played by Natalie Portman): Do you have any idea who was behind this attack?**_

 _ **Mace Windu (Played by Samuel L. Jackson) Our intelligence points to disgruntled spice miners on the moons of Naboo.**_

 _ **Padme: I think that Count Dooku was behind it.**_

 _ **Ki-Adi-Mundi (Played by Silas Carson): He is a political idealist, not a murderer.**_

"Okay, is it just me or does Ki-Adi-Mundi's head looks like a huge…" Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Teacher (Played by Jeanette Miller): Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, shlong, or…**_

Sean then pushes the clip away. "Enough."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine, once again played by Ian McDiarmid, suggests something else for Padme. Some extra bodyguards for her protection just in case.**

 _ **Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Master Jedi, may I suggest the senator be placed under the protection of your graces.**_

 _ **Bail Organa (Played by Jimmy Smits): Do you really think that's a wise decision under these stressful times?**_

"Oh, man. Jimmy Smits left _NYPD Blue_ for this stupid-ass movie? Why, Jimmy, why? Well, at least there's _The West Wing_." Sean said.

 _ **Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: I realize all too well that additional security might be disruptive for you but perhaps someone you're familiar with. An old friend, like Master Kenobi.**_

"Maybe Leon the Professional? The character played by Jean Reno in the Luc Besson movie. He protected her from Gary Oldman's crazy ass and taught her how to use a gun. At least get him to protect her." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not Leon the Professional. Instead, he summons Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi again played by Ewan McGregor, and his apprentice, a grown-up Anakin Skywalker played by Hayden Christensen. And it seems that Ani has something else on his mind and… (Sees Jar-Jar Binks) Oh, fuck me with a lightsaber!**

"Why, God? Why do I have to deal with this stupid Gungan again?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks (Played by Ahmed Best): Obi? Obi! (Shakes Obi-Wan's hand) Mesa so smilen to seein yousa!**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Ewan McGregor) Good to see you again, Jar-Jar.**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Senator Padme. Mesa palos here! Lookie, lookie, Senator. Desa Jedi arriven.**_

"Oh, man. This movie's going to make me have some homicidal tendencies over Jar-Jar." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we see Jar-Jar, Padme goes to greet Obi-Wan and Anakin, then she recognizes Ani, which leads to this.**

 _ **Padme: (Recognizes Anakin) Ani? My goodness, you've grown.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): So have you. Grown more beautiful, I mean. Well, f-for a senator, I mean.**_

"Awkward!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that bit of awkwardness between Anakin and Padme, Captain Typho played Jay Laga'aia, tells them about the situation going on with Senator Amidala. Padme says that she don't need more security, she wants answers dammit. But the Jedi Knight and his Padawan are just here to protect her, not to start an investigation.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: We will find out who's trying to kill you, Padme. I promise you.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner.**_

"Oh, we'll get back to what he said later on in the movie. Trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see a mysterious bounty hunter talking to another bounty hunter by the name of Zam Wessell played by Leeanna Walsman, to kill Padme. Back with the Jedi, we see that they're acting as her bodyguards. While watching over Padme, Anakin has something on his mind.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I don't sleep well anymore.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Because of your mother?**_

 **(Anakin nods his head)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I don't know why I keep dreaming about her.**_

"Wait, what? You mean to tell me that in the ten years since Anakin left Tatooine he never went back to see his mother? Wasn't it the last thing he said to her in the last film?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.**_

"Look, I know that Jedi forbid emotional attachments but come on, we all know that it's total bullshit." Sean said. "Jedi aren't allowed to have contact with family members. Are you kidding me? Would Anakin think about flying down to Tatooine and see his mother?"

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'd much rather dream about Padme.**_

"Oh. Well, Anakin's thinking. But not with his brain." Sean said.

"Yeah, thinking with his dick." Brian said.

"Exactly!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then see Zam Wessell loading up some very poisonous worms called kouhuns into a droid and sends the droid over to Padme's to do it for her, but Anakin and Obi-Wan sense that she's in trouble. After Anakin takes out the poisonous worms, Obi-Wan proceeds to…**

 **(Obi-Wan jumps out of the window and grabs onto the droid)**

"Uh, what was it that Obi-Wan said a few scenes ago?" Sean asked.

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner.**_

 **(The scene where Obi-Wan jumps out of a window and grabs onto the droid plays back)**

"We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner. Let me demonstrate this by jumping out of a fucking window!" Sean yelled out as we see Obi-Wan jumping out of the window again.

 **(A clip from the movie** _ **Silver Streak**_ **is shown)**

 _ **George Caldwell (Played by the late Gene Wilder): You stupid, ignorant son of a bitch dumb bastard! Jesus Christ. I've met some dumb bastards in my time but you outdo them all.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: What?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Obi-Wan is gliding on a droid, Anakin gives chase on a speeder and we get a visual effects extravaganza chase scene. Anakin manages to save Obi-Wan's dumb ass and the chaos continues as Anakin and Obi-Wan chase Zam by recklessly going through a power coupling and just as it looks like they lost her, Anakin proceeds to do this.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: If you'll excuse me. (Jumps out of the speeder while Obi-Wan looks on)**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: I hate it when he does that.**_

 **(Anakin manages to land on top of Zam's speeder)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.**

"What the hell in the name of Jabba's balls was that? Didn't Obi-Wan say to Anakin a few scenes earlier that his senses aren't better tuned?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But they're only tuned enough for him to fall several hundred feet through the air and catch a ride on one speeder upon thousands that's traveling hundreds of miles an hour perfectly.**

"Something's going on and I can smell it. Yes, it's a very distinct smell." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Practical Magic**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Aunt Frances (Played by Stockard Channing): It's a smell of bullshit!**_

"He's done this kind of thing before and here's where things get weird." Sean said.

 **(Zam uses a blaster, knocking Anakin's lightsaber from out of his hand)**

"Boy, Obi-Wan's not going to like this." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Zam crashes her speeder as Anakin chases her on foot until she hides out in a club. Oh, and here's the deal with Zam Wessell, she's a changeling. So right when Obi-Wan meets up with Anakin outside the club, Obi-Wan says something to Anakin.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Patience. Use the Force. Think.**_

"Use the Force. Think?" Sean said before slapping Obi-Wan upside his head. "Don't think! Feel."

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they head inside the club, Obi-Wan and Anakin search for Zam. Hey, she's a changeling. Which means she can turn into anybody in this bar.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Go and find her.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Where are you going, Master?**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: For a drink.**_

"Hey, I would go for a drink too if I had to deal with Hayden friggin' Christensen. I mean, hell. He's giving him a hard time already. Let's not forget that him and Rachel Bilson split in 2017. I guess she saw his performance in this movie and _Revenge of the Sith_." Sean said.

 **(Obi-Wan is sitting at a bar having a drink)**

 _ **Elan Sleazebaggano (Played by Matt Doran): You wanna buy some death sticks?**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Uses the Jedi mind trick) You don't want to sell me death sticks.**_

 _ **Elan Sleazebaggano: I don't want to sell you death sticks.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: You want to go home and rethink your life.**_

 _ **Elan Sleazebaggano: I want to go home and rethink my life.**_

"Oh, dear." Sean said.

A man wearing a black leather jacket and jeans opens the front door and enters Sean's house as the young critic began to notice the man has a snake head.

"Hey, little dude. I'm the Snake. Want some weed, coke, crack? Your choice." The Snake said.

"You do not want to sell me drugs." Sean said, using the Jedi mind trick on the Snake.

The Snake just looked at Sean.

"You do not want to sell me drugs." Sean said, trying again.

The Snake kept looking at Sean.

"You do not want to sell me…." Sean said.

"That shit won't even work on me, bitch!" The Snake shouted.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Sean yelled at the Snake and points at the door.

"You messed with the wrong man, today." The Snake threatened Sean before leaving his house.

"Unbelievable." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anakin goes around the club to spot Zam out and this could turn out to be a really awesome scene. Zam can take the form of literally anybody. Anybody in this club could be her, so Anakin and Obi-Wan could use their keen Force senses to… (Sees Zam in her human form) Or Zam could not bother to change into someone and try to blow Obi-Wan's brains out with a blaster.**

 **(Obi-Wan cuts off Zam's arm, disarming her)**

"Ugh! Talk about a missed opportunity. This could've been a really awesome scene. Hell, I could've made the scene better." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You could have Anakin walking around the bar searching for Zam, then all of a sudden he ends up attacking Obi-Wan. That would make audiences think "What the hell?!" and then it turns out that it was Zam, who disguised herself as Obi-Wan. It would show how powerful a Jedi Anakin is becoming. And then this line from Obi-Wan a little more clever.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Why do I get the feeling that you're going to be the death of me?**_

"There! I fixed the movie a little bit. Making a scene more awesome to show a character putting their power into good use." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But no. George Lucas introduced a character who can shapeshift into anyone but he never have her shapeshift. She's a frickin' assassin. Shapeshifting is her greatest asset. She could've shapeshifted to Captain Typho and tried to kill her in her sleep. That would've worked as well!**

 **(A clip from** _ **WWE Raw**_ **is shown)**

 _ **John Cena: You stupid bastard.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan and Anakin take Zam outside to question her but these two idiots aren't bright to use their abilities to get the answer out of her.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Do you know who it was you were trying to kill?**_

 _ **Zam Wessell (Played by Leanna Walsman): (Moans) It was a senator from Naboo.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: And who hired you?**_

 _ **Zam Wessell: It was just a job.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Who hired you? Tell us. Tell us now!**_

"Anakin, what are you doing? You think interrogating her like Jack Bauer is going to help. Boy, I wish there was some kind of power that Jedis use. Some kind of trick of the mind. Kinda like a Jedi mind trick. Yeah! That would've worked." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right before she could tell them who hired her, Zam gets shot in the neck with a saberdart by a mysterious bounty hunter, shifting her back to her Clawdite form and dies. Well, there goes their assassin. The next day, at the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan and Anakin are ordered to split up. With Obi-Wan tracking down the dart from the bounty hunter, while Anakin is assigned as Padme's bodyguard to Naboo where she will be safe. Oh, yeah. That'll work. Assign the Padawan who wants to stick his lightsaber in her.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Mrs. Brown's Boys**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Agnes Brown (Played by Brendan O'Carroll): Dirty bastard!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at the Senate building, Anakin talks to Chancellor Palpatine about assignment and he starts getting into his head.  
**

_**Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: You don't need guidance, Anakin. In time, you will learn to trust your feelings. Then you will be invincible. I have said it many times: You are the most gifted Jedi I have ever met.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Thank you, Your Excellency.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Showdown in Little Tokyo**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Johnny Murata (Played by the late Brandon Lee): You have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man.**_

 _ **Chris Kenner (Played by Dolph Lundgren): (Nods) Thanks.**_

"Oh, goddamn my dirty mind!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Padme has the order to return to Naboo. But first, she has to find someone to be her replacement senator. Someone who she can take care of her duties while she's gone. Someone intelligent. So, who does she appoint it to?**

 _ **Padme: (To Jar-Jar) Representative Binks, I know I can count on you.**_

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa honored to be taking on dissa heavy burden.**_

"What?!" Sean asked, with a shocked look on his face.

 **(A clip from** _ **Girl Meets World**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Riley Matthews (Played by Rowan Blanchard): What?!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The World's End**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Gary King (Played by Simon Pegg): What?!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: A New Hope**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): What?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Home Alone 3**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Peter Beaupre (Played by Olek Krupa): What?!**_

"Excuse me while I head next door where the arms dealer is living at because I need to buy a sniper rifle." Sean said.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: (To Padme) Sometimes we must let go of our pride and do what is requested of us.**_

 _ **Padme: Anakin, you've grown up.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Master Obi-Wan manages not to see it./I'm ready for the trials, but he feels that I'm too unpredictable. He won't let me move on.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And here's my biggest problem with Anakin in this movie, he tends to whine too much. I mean, my God. Just replace his lines with this.**

 **(We get scenes of Anakin but his lines are replaced with whining sounds)**

"Master Obi-Wan and I are playing hide the salami and all I think about is you." Sean said, imitating Anakin Skywalker.

 **(Anakin looks at Padme very deeply)**

 _ **Padme: Please don't look at me like that.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Why not?**_

 _ **Padme: Because it makes me feel uncomfortable.**_

 **(Padme walks away while Anakin looks at her with a creepy-ass look)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Sorry, milady.**_

Sean just looks at the camera, looking a bit creeped out from Anakin's look that he gave Padme. "Oh, God. Is it just me or does Anakin have some creepy-ass moments in this movie?" Sean asked.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Sorry, milady.**_

"Okay, dial it back a bit there Stamos." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Anakin and Padme leave for Naboo, Obi-Wan begins to track down where the dart came from. So, he heads down to the diner and asks the local chef named Dexter Jettster, voiced by the late Ronald Falk, about where the dart came from. Dexter looks like a mix between Edgar the Bug from** _ **Men in Black**_ **, the Great Mighty Poo from** _ **Conker's Bad Fur Day**_ **with a mustache.**

 _ **Dexter Jettster (Voiced by the late Ronald Falk): (After Obi-Wan shows him the dart) Well, whattya know! I ain't seen one of these since I was prospectin' on Subterel, beyond the outer rim.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Can you tell me where it came from?**_

"Well, I can tell you where the dart came from. It came from the Gargoyle King from Riverdale.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Dex tells Obi-Wan that it's a Kamino saberdart and that it came from Kamino, which is beyond the outer rim, about 12 parsecs outside the Rishi Maze. But the only problem is that when Obi-Wan checks it out, it doesn't show up on the Jedi Archives.**

 _ **Madame Jocasta Nu (Played by the late Althea McGrath): I hate to say it, but it looks like the system you're searching for doesn't exist.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Impossible. Perhaps the archives are incomplete.**_

 _ **Madame Jocasta Nu: If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist.**_

"Wait, I thought the Jedi Archives contain everything in your records, yet you couldn't have anything in your records? You're useless, lady. You know, I've been looking for any records of your sex life. And….." Sean looks at his laptop for records of Madame Jocasta Nu's sex life. "Apparently, records of your sex life doesn't exist. Ha!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jedi Archives can't find shit for him, so Obi-Wan resorts to asking the Younglings for help.**

 _ **Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): What help can I be, Obi-Wan? Hmm?**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: I'm looking for a planet described to me by an old friend. I trust him, but the systems don't show on the archive maps.**_

 _ **Yoda: Mmm. Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.**_

 **(The children start giggling)**

 _ **Yoda: How embarrassing.**_

"Isn't that what Ebert & Roper said about that movie when they reviewed it?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan shows them where the planet is at and one of the Younglings point out that someone erased it from the archive memory. So, Yoda tells Obi-Wan to go to the center of gravity's pull and he'll find the planet. Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme arrive on Naboo and she tells the new queen of Naboo Queen Jamillia played by Ayesha Dharker, about the senate voting to create an army, it will push them into a civil war.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Captain America: Civil War**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You wish it was that Civil War.**

 _ **Queen Jamillia (Played by Ayesha Dharker): Do you see any way through negotiations to bring the separatists back into the Republic?**_

 _ **Padme: Not if they feel threatened. My guess is they'll turn to the Trade Federations or the Commerce Guilds for help.**_

 _ **Sio Bibble (Played by Oliver Ford Davies): It's outrageous, but after four trials in the Supreme Court, Nute Gunray is still the viceroy of the Trade Federation.**_

"Wait, Nute Gunray is still alive?! I thought that they arrested that clown and he's still the viceroy of the Trade Federation?God! If he doesn't die in this movie, I'm gonna fuckin' kill him myself! Fuckin' hate that guy!" Sean yelled out. "I haven't been this pissed off about a character since King Joffrey and Ramsay Bolton in _Game of Thrones_."

 _ **Queen Jamillia: The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it.**_

 _ **Padme: Let's pray that day never comes.**_

 _ **Queen Jamillia: In the meantime, we must consider your own safety.**_

 _ **Sio Bibble: What is your suggestion, Master Jedi?**_

 _ **Padme: Oh, Anakin's not a Jedi yet. He's still a Padawan learner. But I was thinking…**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Hold on a minute.**_

 _ **Padme: Excuse me.**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Excuse me. I'm in charge of security here, milady.**_

 _ **Padme: And this is my home. I know it very well. That is why we're here. I think it would be wise if you took advantage of my knowledge in this instance.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Sorry, milady.**_

"God, why does it feel like I'm watching a bad sequel to _The Bodyguard_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, let's check back with Obi-Wan as he finds his missing planet Kamino, a mysterious ocean planet, and he meets up with the Kaminoans. We learn that the Kaminoans have been working with the Jedi Council for quite some time and Prime Minister Lama Su voiced by Anthony Phelan, tells Obi-Wan that an army was ordered ten years ago by a Jedi Master named Sifo-Dyas, but Sifo-Dyas was killed almost ten years ago. So, what is this army? Well, it's a clone army, of course. And the army is for the Republic. But before we see this clone army, we check back in with Anakin and Padme on Naboo, and we get George Lucas' attempt at writing romance.**

 _ **Padme: We used to come here for school retreat. We would swim to that island every day. I love the water. We used to lie out on the sand and let the sun dry us and try to guess the names of the birds singing.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.**_

We cut back to Sean, who takes off his glasses and makes a facepalm after hearing the most cringiest line ever in a _Star Wars_ movie. "Oh, my God. Did I just hear a character in a canonical _Star Wars_ movie say that they don't like sand? Dude, you were born on Tatooine, there's sand everywhere!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) "I don't like sand.", that's the most cringiest line I've ever heard in a movie and you know what, I can come up with some sand jokes for this scene.**

"Hey, Anakin. We can watch my favorite suspense-comedy _Arachnophobia_ , it has Julian Sands in it. Then, we can hook up my PS2 and so we can play _Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time_. Also, we'll take a walk on the nice sandy beaches of California, I heard that the weather is quite lovely this time of the year. Or better yet, you can unwind by reading the collective works of French novelist George Sand while I watch Alexis Crystal lezzing it up with Taylor Sands." Sean said with a smile on his face as we hear Darth Vader shouting "Noooo!" in the background.

"Dude, who are you Luann Loud?" Brian asked Sean.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that cringing bit of dialogue, Anakin and Padme give into their feelings as they….**

 **(Padme breaks the kiss)**

 _ **Padme: No. I shouldn't have done that.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm sorry.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Or not. Anyway, let's get back to Kamino as Obi-Wan sees the secret to cloning a massive army. The secret is CGI. I'm kidding. We learn that a bounty hunter named Jango Fett was the original host for the clones and Obi-Wan is interested to meet this Jango Fett. Back on Naboo, we're back to the goddamn, pointless Anakin/Padme romance that the movie is trying to develop while I continue my relationship with Bud Light.**

We cut back to Sean as we see him drinking a bottle of Bud Light lemon tea beer. "Ah. A minimum of seven while viewing _Episode II_ or drink as many as you want until you pass out. Me? I'm going to be drinking only three because I got a review to finish.

 _ **Padme: You really don't like politicians, don't you?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I like two or three, but I'm not really sure about one of them.**_

 **(Anakin and Padme both chuckle)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, why are the two of them having a picnic out on an open field… where somebody can assassinate Padme at any moment now?! Why are you out on an open field when an assassin's trying to kill you? She can get killed by sniper right now.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean as Anakin and Taylor as Padme having a picnic out on an open field)**

 **Sean: (as Anakin) We need a system where the politicians sit down and discuss the problem, agree what's in the best interest of all the people, and then do it.**

 **Taylor: (as Padme) That's exactly what we do. The trouble is that people don't always agree.**

 **Sean: Well, then they should be made to.**

 **Taylor: By whom? Who's gonna make them?**

 **Sean: I don't know. Someone.**

 **Taylor: You?**

 **Sean: Of course not me.**

 **Taylor: But someone.**

 **Sean: Someone wise.**

 **Taylor: Sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.**

 **Sean: (Smirks) Well, if it works.**

 **Taylor: You're making fun of me.**

 **Sean: (Laughs) No. I'd be much too frightened to tease a senator…**

 **(Taylor gets shot by a sniper)**

 **Sean: (Yells) Padme! Oh, God! Padme!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"You two are idiots. You deserve each other." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Anakin riding a shaak by balancing on top of it to impress Padme, but then falls off. Padme runs over to Anakin to check on him)**

 _ **Padme: Ani! Ani, are you all right?**_

"Yes! He's dead! This movie's turning out great." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(Padme rolls Anakin over and he starts laughing)**

"I hate you." Sean said, glaring at the camera.

 **(Anakin and Padme roll around the field, until Padme is on top of Anakin)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, now! This is a PG-rated movie, you two. Let's keep it clean here. Can somebody to a wipe transition to the next scene before it turns into** _ **Star Whores**_ **?**

 **(We get a wipe transition to Kamino)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thank God. We cut back to Kamino as Obi-Wan gets ready to meet Jango Fett and here we meet this little kid named…**

 _ **Taun We (Voiced by Rena Owen): Boba, is your father here?**_

"Huh?" Sean asked.

 _ **Boba Fett (Played by Daniel Logan): Yep.**_

 _ **Taun We: May we see him?**_

 _ **Boba Fett: Sure.**_

"No way. This little pipsqueak can't be Boba Fett. No, I remember Boba Fett being a badass bounty hunter with the voice of Jason Wingreen in the movies. Are you seriously trying to tell me that this kid is Boba Fett. Holy crap, that kid grew up to be the most badass bounty hunter in the history of the film series." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, friends. That's Daniel Logan playing a younger version of Boba Fett but we'll talk more about Boba later. We're gonna talk about the most badass bounty hunter who had his own video game. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Boba's father Jango Fett played by Temuera Morrison.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your clones are very impressive. You must be very proud.**_

 _ **Jango Fett (Played by Temuera Morrison): I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ever made your way as far into the interior as Coruscant?**_

 _ **Jango Fett: Once or twice.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Recently?**_

 _ **Jango Fett: Possibly.**_

"Jango, you're really doing a piss-poor job at hiding the evidence. Look, I can clearly see your armor and Obi-Wan can see it as well, you Mandalorian nitwit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Naboo as we get more of the Anakin/Padme romance plot, ugh.**

 **(Anakin does his force powers to levitate the pear over to his plate, then cuts it for Padme)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he'd be very grumpy.**_

"Why would Obi-Wan be grumpy if you did that? Oh, my God. This script is horrible like Jar-Jar. Get some better writers, Lucas." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Anakin and Padme sitting on the couch by the fireplace)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, I got my .45 at the ready, folks. Get ready for the cringe fest because this is going to suck.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: From the moment I met you all those years ago not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And some days when I have thought about you.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: And now that I'm with you again I'm in agony.**_

"Hell, I can relate to you there Anakin. I'm in agony as well from watching this pointless romance." Sean said.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- - I can't breathe.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sorry, I'm force choking you with my mind.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.**_

We cut back to Sean, who is now seen sporting a blonde mullet like singer Michael Bolton and a Jedi robe while the song How Am I Supposed to Live Without You starts while a picture of Anakin and Padme pops up.

 **Sean:** _ **(Sings) Tell me how am I supposed to live without you?**_

 _ **Now that I've been loving you so long**_

 _ **How am I supposed to live without you?**_

 _ **And how am I supposed to carry on?**_

 _ **When all that I've been livin' for is gone.**_

Sean stops singing as he turns around and sees Brian falling asleep in the armchair.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: My heart is beating, hoping that the kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul tormenting me.**_

"Son of a bitch! How long do I have to sit here and watch this pointless-ass romance?" Sean asked.

 **(We then see a caption on the screen that reads "Another Minute")**

"Yeah? Well, it's a minute too long!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What can I do? I will do anything that you ask.**_

 **(Anakin looks at Padme. There's silence between the two of them)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me.**_

"Yeah, I am suffering from watching you pouring your heart out to this attractive-as-hell senator. Look, Doctor Zhivago have a better love story than you two. Why am I not watching that right now?" Sean asked. "But you know, watching this movie is an alternative way to torture somebody."

 **(A clip from** _ **A Clockwork Orange**_ **is shown, we see the character Alex getting eyeball-torturing aversion therapy while** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **is being shown. Alex starts screaming while a doctor is putting in eye drops in his eyes)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: From the moment I met you all those years ago not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- - I can't breathe.**_

 _ **Alex (Played by Malcolm McDowell): No. No! NO! Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you! This is sin! This is sin! This is sin! It's a sin, it's a sin, it's a sin!**_

 _ **Dr. Brodsky (Played by the late Carl Duering): I'm sorry, Alex. This is for your own good. You'll have to bear with us for a while.**_

 _ **Alex: You needn't take it any further, sir. You've proved to me that all this ultraviolence and killing is wrong, wrong, and terribly wrong. I've learned me lesson, sir. I've seen now what I've never seen before. I'm cured! Praise god!**_

 _ **Dr. Brodsky: You're not cured yet, boy.**_

 _ **Padme: We live in a real world. Come back to it. You're studying to become a Jedi. I'm- - I'm a senator.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so Padme is in an awkward situation. She's clearly not interested in pursuing a relationship with Creepy Ani here because she's a senator and he's studying to become a Jedi.**

"Look, I wish I could sympathize with her but how could I when she's wearing that sexy-as-hell outfit?" Sean asked.

 **(We cut back to Padme and her outfit choices)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, come on! She looks like she's dressed as a dominatrix and that's part of the ensemble. I guess this is how she dresses in Naboo. I guess it's because George Lucas want to make Natalie Portman hot. And yes, she does look hot in this movie. She's wearing sexy makeup, taking Anakin on a canoe trips, having a picnic out in the middle of the field, they're both sitting by the fireplace with the wine, candles, the sexy dress with a set that comes from a high-class porno from porn sites like Vixen and Brazzers.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Room**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mark (Played by Greg Sestero): (Confused) I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress… I mean, what's going on here?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And poor Anakin. He's clearly horny for her. He's just dying to rip that dress off of her and start plowing her right now. But instead, she wants to be a bloody cocktease!**

"Padme, you look so goddamn hot right now you could give Theon Greyjoy an erection!" Sean exclaimed as a photo of Theon Greyjoy from _Game of Thrones_ pop up. "If Ramsay Bolton didn't cut off his dick. Okay, guys. Raise your hand if Padme's giving you an erection right now. Say I."

"I." Brian said, raising his hand.

"I." Dave raised his hand as well.

"I'm a married man but I'm gonna say I." Adam said.

"You bet your ass." Lucas said, smirking naughtily while raising his hand.

"Definitely." Oliver said, raising his hand.

"The "I's" have it. Padme, you're giving us boners right now. Fucking tease." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I don't get it. I don't get why Jedi can't date. Look before** _ **Star Wars Episode II**_ **ever came out, this rule about Jedi not being able to date or marry or have children was just nowhere. I don't remember it anyway. Well, in the books Luke Skywalker was banging Mara Jade. The two got married and had a son named Ben Skywalker. I know they're not canon anymore because Disney's a bunch of idiots but they were canon.**

"At least the new Star Wars canon keeps continuity." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, I'm getting sick and tired of this romance between the two of them. Enough of the fucking romance, I want to see some fucking action right fucking….**

 **(We cut back to Kamino, where Obi-Wan sees Jango Fett and Boba Fett getting ready to escape in Slave 1)**

 _ **Boba Fett: Dad, look!**_

 _ **Jango Fett: Boba, get on board!**_

 **(Obi-Wan pulls out his lightsaber while Jango shoots at him with his blasters as Obi-Wan deflects every shot with his lightsaber)**

"Ooh, we get some fucking action." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we get a little nice action scene between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett. As much as I riff about this movie, I do find this scene enjoyable to watch just to see the most badass bounty hunter going up against a Jedi.**

 **(Jango flies right at Obi-Wan but the Jedi does a flying kick on him, then uses hand-to-hand combat on him)**

"Okay, all of a sudden it's turning into Star Wars: Masters of the Teras Kasai. Ugh, why did I have to mention that game. It fucking sucked." Sean said.

"You're right about that. Nice to see good 'ol fisticuffs though." Brian said.

 **(Obi-Wan ties the rope around the pole, causing Jango to land on the ground and making his jetpack fly off of his back. Jango shoots at Obi-Wan but the Jedi manages to kick Jango, causing him to fly off of the building)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, not good.**_

 **(Obi-Wan gets yanked off of the building as him and Jango slide down the building before the bounty hunter uses a sharp metal gauntlet to keep him from falling)**

"Huh? I don't remember Jango having one of those metal gauntlet thingies in the game." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jango escapes while Obi-Wan goes after him. Later, Anakin has a nightmare about his mother. Maybe it's because of all the sand she's standing on. No, he has a nightmare about his mother dying, sensing that she's in trouble in Tatooine. Yeah, because you left her ass all alone on a planet filled with sand, you dumb idiot. And because of that dream, it's time to leave Naboo and head home at once.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: She is in pain. I know I'm disobeying my mandate to protect you, Senator, but I have to go. I have to help her.**_

 _ **Padme: I'll go with you.**_

"Just like that? Boy, lady. You so want to suck his…" Sean said before getting interrupted.

 **(A clip from** _ **Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Professor Snape (Played by the late Alan Rickman): Silence!**_

"Aah! Sorry." Sean apologized then realize that Snape from _Harry Potter_ is putting him in check instead of Tom Hardy from _Bronson_. "Wait, where the hell is Tom Hardy? He usually shuts me up when I'm about to say something really dirty."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Anakin and Padme head down to Tatooine, where Anakin runs into his old friend Watto, once again voiced by Andy Secombe. Watto tells Anakin that he sold Shmi to some guy named Lars, who freed her and married her. But let's check back in with Obi-Wan, as he proceeds to pursue Jango Fett as they fly into an asteroid field and have an awesome dogfight filled with some neat visual effects and wonderful sound effects from Ben Burtt and his team at Skywalker Sound. I mean, listen to when the seismic charges start exploding.**

 **(A seismic charge that Jango sent out starts exploding, causing a shockwave and destroying some of the asteroids)**

"Nice idea with the charges and how they go off. There's a few seconds of silence." Brian said.

"Then… BOOM!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I love this scene and trust me I do, I have one teeny tiny little nitpick. Daniel Logan's acting. Look, I know that he was just a kid when he did this film and I'm sure he's acting in a bunch of stuff and his acting has improved over the years but my god, this is some bad acting right there.**

 _ **Boba Fett: Watch out!/Get him, Dad! Get him! Fire!**_

Sean chuckles a bit. "Okay, his acting is laughably bad. Check out the way he says fire."

 _ **Boba Fett: Fire!**_

"Fire!" Sean imitates Boba Fett.

 _ **Boba Fett: Fire!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Khan (Played by the late Ricardo Montalban): Fire!**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **season five episode** _ **The Fire**_ **is shown)**

 _ **George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Fire!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Vogel (Played by Michael Byrne): Fire!**_

"Geez,, you could put the kid in the Sega Afterburner commercial." Sean said.

 **(The Sega** _ **Afterburner**_ **commercial is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: Afterburner gives you real dogfight excitement of the arcade version.**_

 _ **Teen: Yeah.**_

 _ **Boba Fett: Get him, Dad! Get him!**_

 _ **Teen: Your turn to burn.**_

 _ **Boba Fett: Fire!**_

 **(We see the jet blowing up another jet)**

 _ **Teen: Let's take it home.**_

 _ **Announcer: Afterburner, only on the Sega System. Sega, the challenge will always be there.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, blast! This is why I hate flying!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jango fires a rocket at Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan manages to release some spare part canisters, blowing up the rocket and making Jango think he's dead before following him down to the planet Geonosis. Let's take a break from Obi-Wan as we check back in with Anakin and Padme on Tatooine, where they run into another old friend, C-3PO, once again played by Anthony Daniels respectively.**

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): The maker! Oh, Master Ani! I knew you would return. I knew it! And Miss Padme. Oh, my.**_

"You are looking very ravishing today." Sean said, imitating C-3PO.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin meets Owen Lars, played by Joel Edgerton from the Netflix movie** _ **Bright**_ **with Will Smith. And Owen's girlfriend Beru, played by Bonnie Piesse.**

 _ **Owen Lars (Played by Joel Edgerton): (To Anakin) I guess I'm your stepbrother. I had a feeling you might show up someday.**_

"And if you bother to show up again as a hulking giant with breathing problems and a gimp suit and you're looking for some droids, feel free to send some of your men to kill us." Sean said, imitating Owen Lars.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Anakin meets the man who freed and married his mother, a moisture farmer named Cliegg Lars, played by Jack Thompson, and he has some bad news to tell Anakin that his dear old mother has been taken by the Tusken Raiders.**

A picture of the Oakland Raiders logo pop up next to Sean as he turns to his right and starts shaking his fist. "Damn you, Raiders!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what's with Anakin's reaction? He's not showing any emotion after finding out that killer sand people kidnapped her. Dude, emote! Don't have a blank expression on your face like you have something up your ass. If I found out that my mother got kidnapped by Tusken Raiders, I'll react to that.**

 _ **Owen Lars: Where are you going?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: To find my mother.**_

 _ **Cliegg Lars (Played by Jack Thompson): Your mother's dead, son. Accept it.**_

"Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. It's not like they're going to beat her to death or something like that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin heads out in search of his mother, while** _ **Duel of the Fates**_ **play in the background. Uh, John. I love your music and all but** _ **Duel of the Fates**_ **only work when somebody's having a lightsaber duel not when somebody's in search for their mother.**

"It's just like me having sex with Taylor while _Duel of the Fates_ play in the bedroom. It just doesn't work." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Geonosis, we see that Obi-Wan has stumbled across a meeting with the Legion of Doom, I mean the Separatist Council. We see that this assortment of evil traitors to the republic led by Count Dooku, played by the legendary Christopher Lee, may he rest in peace.**

 _ **Count Dooku (Played by the late Christopher Lee): Our friends from the Trade Federation have pledged their support and when their battle droids are combined with yours, we shall have an army greater than any in the galaxy. The Jedi will be overwhelmed. The Republic will agee to any demands we make.**_

"I do have to give this movie some credit. They did get Christopher Lee in this movie. That's another good thing I like about this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough of Obi-Wan's plot, we check back in with Anakin as he arrives at the Tusken Raider camp, where he finds his mother Shmi once again played by Pernilla August, and he sees that she's in really bad shape.**

 _ **Shmi Skywalker (Played by Pernilla August): Ani? Is it you?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm here, Mom. You're safe.**_

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: Ani? Ani? Oh, you look so handsome. My son. Oh, my grown-up son.**_

"Yeah. Her son grew up to be this attractive looking guy instead of this." Sean said as a picture of Hayden Christensen pops up to the right side of the young critic while a mugshot of Jake Lloyd pops up on the right side of him.

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: Now I am complete. I love y- -**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Stay with me, Mom. Everything- -**_

 _ **Shmi Skywalker: I- - I love- -**_

 **(Shmi dies in Anakin's arms)**

"Damn. After being starved, tortured, beaten and suffering from dehydration, she died from being rescued by her son." Sean said. "Well, I guess it's time to pack our bags and head back to…"

 **(We see an enraged Anakin beginning to slaughter the Tusken community)**

Sean looks in shock from after what Anakin has done. "Jesus Christ, dude! Hell, I'm not gonna complain about it. That was the most awesome thing that he's done throughout this movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Yoda senses a disturbance in the Force as the slaughter continues.**

 _ **Mace Windu: What is it?**_

 _ **Yoda: Pain, suffering, death I feel. Something terrible has happened.**_

"Ruined _The Last Jedi_ Rian Johnson has done." Sean said imitating Yoda.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Geonosis, where Obi-Wan is trying to contact the Jedi Council about what Count Dooku and the Separatists are planning on doing but he couldn't contact the Council, so he tries to contact Anakin about the situation. Speaking of Anakin, he returns to the Lars moisture farm and prepares to bury his mother, and Padme attempts to comfort him.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Why'd she have to die? Why couldn't I save her? I know I could have!**_

 _ **Padme: Sometimes there are things no one can fix. You're not all-powerful, Ani.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Well, I should be! Someday I will be. I will be the most powerful Jedi ever! I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying.**_

 _ **Padme: Anakin.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: It's all Obi-Wan's fault! He's jealous! He's holding me back!**_

"Can you believe that this guy, who became the most feared Sith lord in the galaxy was once a whiny little bitch? All he does is whine all the time. What a little…" Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: A New Hope**_ **is shown as Darth Vader begins to force choke Sean)**

Sean starts choking after bad-mouthing Anakin Skywalker.

 _ **Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): I find your lack of faith disturbing.**_

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin (Played by the late Peter Cushing): Enough of this. Vader, release him.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: As you wish.**_

Darth Vader releases Sean as the critic tries to catch his breath.

"Oh, now he gets emotional." Brian said sarcastically.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!**_

 **(The** _ **Imperial March**_ **plays in the background)**

"Hey, nice touch with the Imperial March there." Sean said. "Although I'm not sure whether to be happy that this is heard and I really liked that music or the fact that The Empire Strikes Back was a much enjoyable film."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what's Padme's reaction to after Anakin telling her that he slaughtered men, women and children?**

 _ **Padme: To be angry is to be human.**_

"That's it? I get that for people who aren't force sensitive anger's natural, but come on." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) That's how you're going to react when someone tells you that they slaughtered women and children? "To be angry is to be human.", isn't that what Hitler said for when he was killing the Jews? My God! Shouldn't your reaction be like "Holy son of a bitching Christ! My boyfriend is a fucking psychopath! R2, let's get the fuck outta here!". Ugh, so anyway, they have a little funeral for Shmi, then R2 arrives and shows Anakin and Padme the message that Obi-Wan has sent to them, then they retransmit the message to Coruscant for the Jedi Council to find out. He tells them that he's tracked Jango Fett to the droid foundries on Geonosis and that Viceroy Gunray is behind the assassination attempts on Padme's life. What a surprise. I mean in the last film, she did manage to piss him off. Right before he gives them more information, Obi-Wan ends up getting captured. Anakin wants to stay and protect Padme because Mace ordered him but Padme insists that they go to Geonosis to save him. So, they do. But there's no need to worry about him. He's not harmed, but what's going to happen is Ewan McGregor is about to get tortured by Christopher Lee for upstaging him. (Gasps)**

 _ **Count Dooku: It's a great pity that our paths have never crossed before, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon always spoke highly of you. I wish he were still alive. I could use his help right now.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Qui-Gon Jinn would never join you.**_

 _ **Count Dooku: Don't be so sure, my young Jedi.**_

"You forget, I was the Hammer Dracula for many years." Sean said, imitating Count Dooku.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile back on Coruscant, it turns out that Chancellor Palpatine can approve the creation of the clone army, unless the senate must vote him emergency powers. And guess who's the one to do it?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime fucking Lannister.**_

"Nope." Sean said.

 _ **Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa propose that the senate give immediately emergency powers to the supreme chancellor.**_

 **(Shouts of approval)**

"So how does the Republic become an Empire with an emperor? Blame Jar-Jar. He's the one responsible for countless innocent lives. I fucking hate you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get back to Anakin and Padme as they arrive on Geonosis to save Obi-Wan… pretty badly as they get surrounded by Geonosians, then we get a big action scene in the droid factory, with Padme acting like she's in** _ **Dragon's Lair**_ **by dodging every obstacle that's trying to kill her, while Anakin…**

 **(Right when Anakin is about to get hit in the face with the mechanical arm, the screen freezes up on him and goes to black and white)**

 **Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Anakin knew he fucked up.**

 **(The screen goes back to normal as Anakin gets hit in the face)**

"Gets caught up in his own stupidity." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of stupidity…**

 **(Right when Anakin is about to turn on his lightsaber, he sees that it's been cut in half)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Oh, not again. Obi-Wan's gonna kill me.**_

 **(The** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **game over screen is shown)  
**

_**Revolver Ocelot: You idiot!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin and Padme get captured and… (sees Anakin and Padme on a carriage) oh, no. Couldn't you just kill them?**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Don't be afraid.**_

 _ **Padme: I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.**_

"Oh, lord. Kill me. Kill me now." Sean said.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: You love me? I thought that we had decided not to fall in love, that we would be forced to live a lie…**_

We cut to a shot of Sean putting his gun to his head before cutting back to the movie.

 _ **Padme: I truly, deeply love you and before we die, I want you to know.**_

 **(Anakin and Padme kiss)**

We cut back to Sean who starts cocking his gun. "My only regret, I should've reviewed _The Last Jedi_ first."

We cut to black as a gunshot is heard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after you survived your suicide attempt from watching their sappy romance, we see that Anakin, Padme and Obi-Wan are in the Geonosis arena, where they're being sentenced to death and each of them have their own creature to deal with while Count Dooku, Nute Gunray, Rune Haako, Poggle the Lesser, Jango Fett and Boba Fett watch on the event. Padme battles a cat-like creature known as a nexu, Obi-Wan contends with an amphibious reptilian creature known as an acklay and Anakin deals with a bull-like creature known as a reek.**

"Let's make sure that he's neutered like someone we know." Sean chuckles as a photo of Theon Greyjoy pops up again. "I'm sorry, I know they killed him off in the final season but I have to pick on him."

"Killed by animals. What is this ancient Rome?" Brian asked.

 **(One of the Geonosians get killed by the nexu)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I've got a bad feeling about this.**_

"Oh, you think? You got yourselves into this mess." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Padme manages to free herself while Obi-Wan and Anakin manage to do the same and they battle the deadly creatures.**

 **(Anakin gets dragged by the reek)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Anakin) Help! Stop this crazy thing! Help me! He's dragging me through the sand! It's rough, it's coarse, it's getting in my Jedi outfit!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when our heroes are about to get killed by battle droids, one certain Jedi is about to crash the party. And I'm gonna sing about it.**

 **Sean: (Sings the** _ **Shaft**_ **theme)** _ **Who's the black Jedi knight that's a sex machine to all the ladies?**_

 **(We cut to Mace Windu holding a purple lightsaber against Jango)**

 _ **Female Singers: (Sings) Mace**_

"You're damn right." Sean said, imitating Isaac Hayes.

 _ **Mace Windu: This party's over.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Mace is not alone, he's brought a Jedi strike team to join him, which consists of 212 Jedi and we get (sighs) the best part of the whole movie where we see an army of Jedi masters taking on a large army of battle droids in the arena. And this scene has some good moments, especially some funny moment where a battle droid has it's head on C-3PO's body and C-3PO's head on the battle droid's body, in which he says this line.**

 _ **C-3PO: (While shooting at the Jedi) Die, Jedi dogs! Oh! What did I say?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get part right when Jango is shooting at Mace.**

 **(Mace charges at Jango while deflecting his shots)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Mace Windu) Time for you to die, Jango. And I hope you burn in Hell!**

 **(Mace decapitates Jango while Count Dooku and Boba look on)**

"Way to have the coolest character in the movie for him to die like a little bitch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it seems that the droid army has got them outnumbered and after listening to Christopher Lee monologuing for a bit, they get ready to execute our heroes but then…**

 _ **Padme: Look!**_

 **(They look up and they see the clone armies arriving with Yoda and they start attacking the droids)**

 ****"The clone armies have arrived to kick some droid ass!" Sean smirked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Jedi escape and we have this big grand spectacle battle between the clone armies and the droid armies while Nute Gunray and Rune Haako escape while Poggle the Lesser entrusts Dooku with the plans to their ultimate weapon…**

 **(Poggle the Lesser hands Dooku the plans to their ultimate weapon)**

 _ **Count Dooku: I will take the designs with me to Coruscant. They will be much safer there with my master.**_

 **(We see that the ultimate weapon is the Death Star)**

"And we see that the ultimate weapon is the Death Star. Make sure you get Galen Erso to design it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Enough of that little easter egg as our heroes spot Count Dooku escaping on a speeder and the clone armies wish that they have seatbelts on their gunships when this happens.**

 **(The Geonosian fighters start shooting at the gunship, hitting it, causing Padme and a clone trooper to fall out)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Padme! Put the ship down!**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Anakin!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Obi-Wan) Don't go down there! There's sand everywhere!**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Lower the ship!**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: I can't take Dooku alone! I need you! If we catch him, we can end this war right now!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, you do realize that you can shoot him down, right? He's right in front of you and you two dickwads are busy bickering like a married couple. Just shoot the fucking old geezer! Ugh, so anyway Obi-Wan tells Anakin to wake the fuck up and assume his Jedi duty as they both head down to the hangar and have their duel with Dooku.**

 **(Anakin and Obi-Wan confront Dooku)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: You're gonna pay for all the Jedi that you killed today, Dooku.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: We'll take him together. Go in slowly on the left.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm taking him now! (Charges towards Count Dooku)**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: No, Anakin! No! No!**_

 **(Count Dooku uses force lightning on Anakin while throwing him to a wall)**

Sean starts laughing from what he just saw. "Okay, now that was the best part of the movie. I wish I could play that part in a loop so I can see Anakin being a dumbass."

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Anakin out of commission, Obi-Wan faces off with Count Dooku alone and let's just say that Qui-Gon will be a bit disappointed with his young Padawan.**

 **(Count Dooku injures Obi-Wan, hitting him in the arm and leg with his lightsaber)**

"That is why you fail." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown as we see Qui-Gon sighing a bit)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Right when Count Dooku manages to swoop in for the kill, Anakin jumps in for the fight, wielding two lightsabers…**

 **(Count Dooku cuts the green lightsaber in half)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, well one. But hey, at least we get to see Anakin kicking ass with one lightsaber, I'm sure he's gonna do just…**

 **(Count Dooku cuts off Anakin's right arm and force pushes him to Obi-Wan)**

"WHY WERE YOU EVEN IN THIS MOVIE?!" Sean screamed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So much for these two useless wankers, we have…**

 **(The words "Prepare To Defend Yourself" pop up on the screen while music from** _ **Soul Calibur**_ **starts playing right when Yoda enters the hangar)**

 _ **Count Dooku: Master Yoda.**_

 _ **Yoda: Count Dooku.**_

"All right! Now we're gonna see Yoda kicking some Sith ass now." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(Yoda and Count Dooku lunge at each other and they start having their lightsaber duel)**

"And this is the only reason why people went to the movie theater just to see Yoda fight and I have to admit, it was worth it." Sean said.

 **(Yoda and Dooku's lightsaber duel continues while rock music starts playing in the background)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Despite Yoda's efforts, Count Dooku escapes after he tries to kill Obi-Wan and Anakin by crushing them with a toppling pillar, but Yoda manages to save the two of them by using the Force. After that, Count Dooku arrives on Coruscant and we see that he's in cahoots with Darth Sidious all along. Let's wrap this up: Yoda says "Begun the Clone War has.", Palpatine, Bail Organa and a bunch of other senators look on as they see the launching of clone trooper forces.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Chancellor Palpatine) For the Empi- oh I mean for the Republic.**

"But wait, what about Padme and Anakin?" Sean asked.

 **(We see that the two of them are in Naboo, secretly getting married. Anakin is now sporting a golden mechanical arm, with C-3PO and R2-D2 are the only witnesses)**

"Ugh! Can we just end the movie now?" Sean asked.

 **(Anakin and Padme kiss, then we cut to credits)**

"God! No wonder that this is called _Episode II_ because this movie is complete ton-ton shit!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I wouldn't call this movie complete shit. I mean it's bad but there are some good things about this movie. I loved the performances of Ewan McGregor and the late Christopher Lee, the action sequences are pretty amazing, the sound design done by Ben Burtt and his team up at Skywalker Sound is phenomenal as always, the cinematography done by British cinematographer David Tattersall is pretty nice with many shots used in the rule of thirds well done and you got some funny moments along the way. Plus, the visual effects is breathtaking as always. Now for the negatives: the plot is all over the place. We keep switching back and forth from Obi-Wan's storyline and Anakin's storyline and we have to deal with the damn pointless romance between him and Padme. So much time is spent on this romance between the two of them. George Lucas did not do a good job at writing romance. And then we get some cringe-worthy dialogue.** _ **Episode II**_ **is bad but a little good and yes, everyone can say that this is easily the worst out of the series, but hey at least it gave us** _ **Star Wars: Bounty Hunter, Star Wars: Jedi Starfighter, Star Wars: The Clone Wars**_ **which led to** _ **Star Wars Rebels**_ **. But hey, at least we get a better** _ **Star Wars**_ **film three years later, and thank God it's an improvement.** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **is getting 2 clone troopers out of 5.**

"Well, the Summer of Star Wars is going to continue because next time, we're taking a look at a better film in the prequel trilogy. Let's hope it gives us better dialogue." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Tells Padme about Anakin) I have seen a security hologram about him… killing Youngling.**_

Sean sighed a bit before speaking. "Well, I didn't say it would be that perfect. I'll see you next time."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **I don't like sand.**_

 **And that's all for the** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **review. I hope that you all enjoyed it and me ranting about it. Now, I'm probably thinking for** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **, I might review all of the** _ **Star Wars**_ **films including the spin-off movies like** _ **Rogue One: A Star Wars Story**_ **and** _ **Solo: A Star Wars**_ **Story. Or I might review some of them and some could be their own review for later on. Plus, I could do some that could be co-reviews if you're interested in co-reviewing a** _ **Star Wars**_ **movie with me. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **as he reviews the better** _ **Star Wars**_ **film in the prequel trilogy,** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.**_ **It could be either a solo review or if you're interested, it could be a co-review. Don't forget to review this chapter, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	64. TSOSW Part II: ROTS

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Good evening, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious and great chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic kicked off** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **by reviewing** _ **Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones**_ **, also known as** _ **Attack of the Groans**_ **, a movie that tells the pointless love story about a Padawan and a senator. It sucked but it had some good moments in it. Today, I'm doing a co-review of** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **with fellow writer Boris Yeltsin and we find out if it's the better movie in the prequel trilogy. So, let's finish up the prequel trilogy in** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**_ **is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, Lucasfilm LTD. and Walt Disney Pictures.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part II**

 **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**

Sean J. Archer, aka the Mayhem Critic sat on his couch in his living room once more getting ready to talk about today's film. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, we're starting part two of…"

" _THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS_!" Sean said in a deep voice via hologram before cutting back to him in his living room. "And joining me with today's review is my good friend, Brian."

"Hey, guys. Thanks for having me here today." Brian said.

"No problem." Sean said. "Alright, today we're going to be finishing off the prequel trilogy with what could be the best film in the prequel trilogy. And that film is _Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith_."

Sean's cat Riley starts meowing after Sean says the title.

"You're damn right!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The title of the movie is shown along with clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the prequel trilogies have had their ups and downs. For me, it's like a nice juicy steak.**

"With Episode I, it's in between rare and well-done. It's medium-rare, so I quite enjoyed it. With Episode II, it's not well-done, not medium-rare, it's not rare but something else." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Hell's Kitchen**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Gordon Ramsay: Raw! Raw, raw! Shit! Fucking shit!**_

"Thank you, Chef Ramsay." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With** _ **Episode III**_ **, some people prefer their steaks a little well done. It's good.**

"The movie has it's flaws, but overall it's good." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 19** **th** **, 2005. Revenge of the Jedi is the third and final installment in the** _ **Star Wars**_ **prequel trilogy. After the releases of** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **and** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **,** _ **Episode III**_ **came out as everyone was looking forward to the conclusion of the prequel trilogy.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The title "** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **" is a reference** _ **to Return of the Jedi**_ **'s original title "** _ **Revenge of the Jedi**_ **", but George Lucas changed the title to "Return", declaring that Jedi do not seek revenge. In** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **, this tells how the Republic became the Galactic Empire and how Anakin turned to the dark side and became Darth Vader and the fall of the Jedi Council.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) When we saw the theatrical trailer for this movie, we were expecting to see Darth Vader, we were two films in and we finally got it. The wait was finally over. After the film was released, the reviews for the movie were positive reviews, some had mixed reviews for this movie.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And there are some people think that suck. I'm talking about you Mr. Plinkett.**

 **(A clip from Mr. Plinkett's review of** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **was shown)**

 _ **Mr. Plinkett: Star Wars Episode III is the most disappointing thing since Star Wars Episode II.**_

"Look, even though it's a good movie, there's still some dumb moments in it." Sean said.

"Shall we?" Brian asked while opening a bottle of beer.

"Well, let's finish up the prequel trilogy. This is Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith." Sean said.

 **(The movie starts with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...", but instead it says "A long time ago before Nickelodeon rebooted All That…")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) A long time ago before Nickelodeon rebooted** _ **All That**_ **, our movie opens with the traditional text scroll. We learn that there's a war going on. The Republic is crumbling under attacks by Count Dooku. There are heroes on both sides.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) "On both sides…", who wrote this opening text Donald Trump?**

 **(A clip from Donald Trump's press briefing from 2017 is shown)**

 _ **Donald Trump: Very fine people, on both sides.**_

"I know Sith, I know many Sith Lords. They're very fine people, on both sides." Sean said, imitating President Trump.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, the action starts right away as we see Anakin and Obi-Wan caught up in a battle over Coruscant.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the two of them are on a mission to save a kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine. You might've noticed that Anakin is now a full-fledged Jedi knight and the fact that his hair is now longer it means that some considerable time has passed. And he's also sporting a scar on his face. And you know, it's nice to see the best starfighter in the galaxy showing off what he can do.**

 **(Anakin easily destroys two missiles that were headed for his way after spinning around like a corkscrew)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): (Chuckles) We got 'em, R2.**_

 **(R2-D2 beeps and whistles)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And as for Obi-Wan, he shows us what a shit flyer he is when buzz droids land on his ship. Luckily, Anakin is there to…**

 **(Anakin starts shooting the buzz droids off of Obi-Wan's starfighter, but then he ends up hitting the wing)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Ewan McGregor): Oh! In the name of-**_

"Try to kill him in the first five minutes of the film. See? This is why you hate flying, Obi-Wan." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Anakin manages to deal with the buzz droids and our two heroes crash land into the hangar bay of the general's command ship and deal with a few remaining battle droids. After a few actions sequences and some comedic banter from the two of them, we're introduced to the new villain of the film, the leader of the Separatist Droid Army named General Grievous voiced by Matthew Wood.**

 **(General Grievous enters the bridge and starts coughing)**

"All of a sudden, he sounds like he's gotten lung cancer." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: Clone Wars**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, the reason why he's coughing like that was because in Chapter 25 of** _ **Star Wars: Clone Wars,**_ **Mace Windu here force crushed General Grievous' chest plates that protected his organs. Yes, General Grievous made his first appearance in** _ **Star Wars: Clone Wars**_ **.**

"Not _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_ , we're talking about the original _Star Wars_ miniseries that was done by _Samurai Jack_ creator Genny Tartakovsky." Sean said.

"Man, he loses all credibility after hearing him cough like that from smoking." Brian said.

 **(A vintage** _ **Star Wars**_ **smoking PSA with C-3PO and R2-D2 is shown)**

 _ **C-3PO: Smoking does dreadful things to your lungs to your lungs and is very bad for your heart.**_

 **(We cut to General Grievous coughing)**

 _ **C-3PO: You knew smoking is bad for your health and it isn't grown up at all.**_

 **(We cut back to General Grievous coughing some more)**

 _ **C-3PO: (V/O) So please don't smoke.**_

 **(We cut once more to General Grievous coughing)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anakin and Obi-Wan make their way through the ship and they reach Chancellor Palpatine, who looks conspicuously unguarded. But it's not long until Count Dooku, once again played by the late Christopher Lee, shows up to join in on the fun.**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Get help. You're no match for him. He's a Sith lord.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Chancellor Palpatine, Sith lords are our speciality.**_

"That's easy for you to say because in the last film you two got your asses kicked by that old man." Sean said.

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: You won't get away this time, Dooku.**_

 **(Obi-Wan and Anakin ignite their lightsabers while Dooku does the same and they start their lightsaber duel)**

 _ **Count Dooku (Played by the late Christopher Lee): I've been looking forward to this.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.**_

 _ **Count Dooku: Good. Twice the pride, double the fall.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then get a three-way… (Clears his throat) Let me rephrase this. A three-way lightsaber duel between Obi-Wan, Anakin and Count Dooku.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Dooku knocks Obi-Wan out so it can be just him and Anakin.**

 _ **Count Dooku: I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate. You have anger. But you don't use them.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anakin and Count Dooku continue to have their lightsaber duel until Anakin manages to disarm Dooku by cutting off his hands and have him on his knees so he can beg for his life.**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Good, Anakin. Good. (Chuckling) Kill him.**_

 **(Dooku looks at Palpatine in shock)**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Kill him now.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I shouldn't.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Do it.**_

 **(Anakin decapitates Count Dooku)**

"Wow, that took some convincing." Brian said.

"Yeah, all it takes was to have some creepy old guy telling him to "Do it."." Sean said, imitating Emperor Palpatine.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Is it just me or do the words "Do it" sound very motivational these days? Can you imagine Chancellor Palpatine as the spokesperson for Nike.**

 **(A Nike commercial Just Do It Commercial is shown. Right after the name Nike is shown, we see Chancellor Palpatine pop up from the left corner)**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Do it.**_

"No wonder this guy's a politician." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Really? Is this really how you're giving the send-off to Count Dooku. I mean come on, Christopher Lee on his knees and at the mercy of Hayden Christensen? In the original script, Count Dooku begs for his life. But Christopher Lee told George Lucas that it wasn't in line with the character. That's a biggest insult to fans of Christopher Lee.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's time to get a move on and when Anakin tries to grab Obi-Wan, Chancellor Palpatine tells Anakin to leave Obi-Wan's dumb ass, but Anakin is not ready to go far into the dark side just yet.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Now, all they have left is to get off the ship before it's destroyed.**

 **(As they run down the hall, they end up getting trapped in ray shields)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Ray shields.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Wait a minute. How did this happen? We're smarter than this.**_

"Really? You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Dark Knight Rises**_ **is shown)**

 _ **CIA Op (Played by Aiden Gillen): Was getting caught part of your plan?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Yes.**_

 _ **CIA Op: Well, congratulations! You got yourself caught! Now what's the next step in your master plan?**_

 **(R2 comes skidding across the hallway squealing and bashes into the opposite wall. R2 sputters and squeaks)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: See? No problem.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) They're soon taken to Grievous, who it's revealed as A: been killing Jedi. B: has learned how to use lightsabers. And C: takes the lightsabers of Jedi he kills as trophies.**

 _ **General Grievous (Voiced by Matthew Wood): Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Not this time. And this time, you won't escape.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: R2.**_

 **(R2 creates a distraction by going haywire as Obi-Wan and Anakin retrieve their lightsabers to break free)**

"Wow, R2 went haywire like my old Macbook laptop." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After taking out two of Grievous' IG-100 MagnaGuard droids and a few other battle droids in the ensuing chaos, Anakin and Obi-Wan close in on Grievous, but the general says "Screw you guys, I'm going home" and uses the MagnaGuard's electrostaff to smash the window and finds himself an escape pod and launches all of the escape pods, and now it's up to Anakin to land this flagship into Coruscant, but then half of the ship starts breaking apart.**

 **(R2 beeps: "Uh-oh")**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: We lost something.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Not to worry. We are still flying half a ship.**_

"Shit, dude. Have you ever played _Halo 3_? Have you seen the ending of it?" Sean asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anakin attempts for crash land the ship down on Coruscant. I know he makes a safe landing and ends up destroying a control tower. At least everyone is alright.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Another happy landing. (Chuckles)**_

 **(We hear the audience laughing)**

"And cue the sitcom intro." Brian said.

 **(We get a sitcom intro in the style of the 1980s sitcom** _ **Perfect Strangers**_ **. We see the title "** _ **Perfect Strangers: Coruscant**_ **", the theme song to** _ **Perfect Strangers**_ **starts playing with different clips of Anakin and Obi-Wan. The intro end with the words "Executive Producer GEORGE LUCAS")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the mission is a success as Chancellor Palpatine and Mace Windu agree to make finding Grievous their highest priority. While Anakin is busy talking to Senator Bail Organa, he sees Padme and she greets him with open arms and the two kiss in the shadows of the Senate office building. Uh, you do know that people in the Senate could see you, right? So, why are you kissing? Oh, and their keeping their love a secret. God, I'm dying to make an Atlantic Starr joke right about now.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I've missed you, Padme.**_

 _ **Padme (Played by Natalie Portman) There were whispers that you'd been killed.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I'm all right. It feels like we've been apart for a lifetime.**_

"Oh, Christ. Do we have to sit through this pointless romance again? Because it's driving me to drink." Sean said as he pulls out a flask filled with whiskey.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Aside from their happy reunion and keeping their marriage a secret, Padme has some news to share with Anakin.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What's going on?**_

 _ **Padme: Something wonderful has happened. Ani, I'm pregnant.**_

"Question: do they have contraception in the _Star Wars_ universe? I mean sex was something never explored in _Star Wars_. And no, we're not talking about the countless _Star Wars_ porn parodies, those do not count. Haven't you noticed some sexual undertones in this series? Listen to the dialogue. I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist but is it just me or does the Star Wars writers have dirty minds by throwing in as many sexual innuendos as possible? Just listen." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Wedge Antilles (Played by Denis Lawson): Look at the size of that thing.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Solo: A Star Wars Story**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Alden Ehrenreich): I came as fast as I could, buddy.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Come with me.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): I'm never touching that thing again.**_

 **(Another clip from** _ **A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Princess Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.**_

 **(Another clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Backdoor, huh? Good idea!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I can't, it's too big.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars Rebels**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hondo Ohnaka (Voiced by Jim Cummings): My big purple friend.**_

"Hey, now. I don't want hear anything about Hondo's big purple friend." Sean said.

 **(Another clip from** _ **A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Han Solo: (To Chewbacca) Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!**_

"Okay, we get it." Brian said.

 **(Another clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yoda (Played by Frank Oz): Judge me by my size, do you?**_

"Stop it." Sean said.

 **(Another clip from** _ **A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Wedge, pull out. You're not doing any good back there.**_

"Stop!" Brian exclaimed.

 **(Another clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): I have felt him, my master.**_

"STOP!" Sean yelled out. "Goddamn it! Enough, we get it!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) With a beautiful wife and the news about him being a father, I'm sure things for Anakin are going to turn out fine.**

 **(We get a dream, which shows Padme crying and in pain, then we hear a baby crying. Anakin then wakes up from the dream, learning about his wife's fate)**

"Or maybe not. Maybe the grim reaper will go after Padme and the baby." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anakin has a premonition that Padme will die from childbirth. Shaken from the dream, he goes to sit and… (Brian sees that Anakin is sitting in a living room with an open balcony) Uh, is that safe? They have a living room with an open balcony and you have all those flying cars whizzing right past you.**

"Can you imagine standing out there and somebody causes an accident?" Brian asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Brian and Cheryl standing out on an open balcony watching as the flying cars go whizzing right pass them)**

 **Brian: (Looking up at the stars) Wow, look at how beautiful the stars look.**

 **Cheryl: (Looks up at the stars as well) I know. So many stars in the sky. (Sees a flying car crashing into another and the car comes right towards them) Oh, look. There's an accident and the car is coming right towards us.**

 **Brian: (Sighs) Well, at least we've spent the last time together looking at this amazing view.**

 **(The flying car crashes into Brian's apartment and we see an explosion)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after he tells Padme that she's gonna die in childbirth, Anakin vows never to let that happen to her.**

"Here, let me make that happen." Sean said while pulling out a Remington MSR sniper rifle. "I'm gonna make that happen sooner or later. It's bound to happen."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Anakin meets with Yoda to speak with him. Not about his secret marriage to Padme, mind you. But his generic problems with visions that he certainly does not like. Yoda's advice to the young Jedi…**

 _ **Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.**_

"Deal with it you will, motherfucker." Sean said as he imitates Yoda.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Not giving a crap if Anakin's wife live or dies, Palpatine requests Anakin's presence. This is where Anakin's path toward darkness begins and the chancellor's just the man to take advantage of it. So, he needs Anakin's help for something**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: I'm depending on you.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: For what? I don't understand.**_

"Welcome to politics, it's nuts." Brian said.

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Anakin, I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Me? A master? I'm overwhelmed, sir.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Chancellor Palpatine wants Anakin to be his personal representative on the Jedi Council so they can work together, but the thing is this only Jedi Masters sit on the Jedi Council, so they have to break the news to Ani.**

 _ **Mace Windu: You are on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of master.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What?**_

"What? Dude, are you nuts?! Never say what in front of Samuel L. Jackson. Look what happened to the last guy who said 'what' to Samuel L. Jackson." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Pulp Fiction**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jules (Played by Samuel L. Jackson): (Points his gun at Brett) Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more goddamn time!**_

 _ **Brett (Played by Frank Whaley): What?**_

 **(Jules shoots Brett in the shoulder)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Right after Anakin apologizes for his outburst and saved himself from having a lightsaber shoved up his ass by Mace, the council assigns Anakin to protect the chancellor, but he doesn't take his assignment very well.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: They want me to spy on the chancellor? But that's treason.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: We are at war, Anakin.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Why didn't the council give me this assignment when we were in session?**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: This assignment is not to be on record.**_

"Right. Quick question: if this assignment is so secretive then why are you two talking about it out in the open? There could be cameras all over the place and Chancellor Palpatine might be watching you right now." Brian said.

"I don't know, Bri. Maybe you're just being a bit paranoid. Maybe Palpatine won't catch on that Anakin is assigned to spy on him..." Sean said.

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: They asked you to spy on me. didn't they?**_

Sean and Brian stay silent for a moment before Sean says something.

"To quote Revolver Ocelot from _Metal Gear Solid_ "You idiot"!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, with Anakin and Padme, Padme senses something wrong with her husband and he starts turning into his whiny self.**

 _ **Padme: Hold me. Like you did by the lake on Naboo. So long ago, when there was nothing but our love. (Anakin holds Padme in his arms) No politics, no plotting, no war.**_

"Remember when this film series was good without the sappy, cringy romance. Well, the original film trilogy's romance with Han and Leia was well done." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After that lovey dovey nonsense between Anakin and Padme, Anakin joins Palpatine at the opera house when he tells Anakin that the Clone Intelligence Unit has discovered the location where General Grievous is hiding at, then he invites him to join him so they can have a private chat. And yes, he does ask Anakin that the Jedi Council asked him to spy on him because they're suspicious of the chancellor and they don't trust him.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say, this is the best scene in the whole movie. I mean, there are a few more scenes but this one is the best. It's beautifully shot and dripping with atmosphere. It's also well-acted. Ian McDiarmid just shines in this scene. This is the first time in the prequels something is given to the Star Wars mythos to make it more a mythos. Chancellor Palpatine tells him about the tale of Darth Plagueis the Wise.**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Darth Plagueis was a dark lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create... life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Wh- what happened to him?**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: He became so powerful, the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power. Which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew. Then his apprentice killed him in his sleep.**_

"Geez, I wonder who killed him." Sean said as a photo of Chancellor Palpatine pops up in between Sean and Brian.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: Is it possible to learn this power?**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: (Turns to Anakin) Not from a Jedi.**_

"Okay, how is Anakin not caught on yet? This old guy just told him about the Sith legend he's never heard of before, just revealed a power that's exclusive to the Sith. And one more thing... that goddamn head turn." Sean pointed out as the clip showing Palpatine doing his head turn. "No man that turns his head like that is up to no good."

"He would've caught on, if Palpatine wasn't so damn good at using the  
force to mask himself." Brian said

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that the war is going on as Yoda arrives on Kashyyk to help the Wookies defend their planet against the droid army, while we learn that General Grievous is in Utapau, so how many Jedi do they send to capture General Grievous?**

 _ **Ki-Adi-Mundi (Played by Silas Carson): Master Kenobi should go.**_

 _ **Yoda: I agree.**_

 _ **Ki-Adi-Mundi: Aye.**_

 _ **Mace Windu: Aye.**_

"What?! You're sending one? Just one Jedi? Shouldn't Anakin go with him? Are you idiots insane?" Sean asked.

"Obi-Wan's good but he and Anakin tend to work as a team." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anakin and Obi-Wan bid each other farewell before Obi-Wan heads down to Utapau to track down Grievous. He arrives in Pau City and meets a port administrator Tion Medon, played by Bruce Spence. He tells him that Grievous is here and is holding them hostage and that he's hiding out on the tenth level. So, Obi-Wan heads in on a varactyl and finds Grievous on the tenth level.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We see that the evil general is having a meeting with the Separatists, oh joy these guys again. Can they please just die already?**

"And this is where we see Obi-Wan being a terrible strategist in battle when he does this." Sean said.

 **(Obi-Wan jumps down to surprise General Grievous and the battle droids)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello there.**_

 **(Grievous and the battle droids turn around and see Obi-Wan)**

 _ **General Grievous: General Kenobi. (Cackles)**_

"Obi-Wan, what the hell were you thinking? Why would you do something so reckless like this? By jumping from the rafters and surprising the one guy you're supposed to capture and you're surrounded by thousands of battle droids armed to the teeth. Jesus, Riggs from _Lethal Weapon_ wasn't that suicidal. I can tell you this, if this happened in real life you would never make it." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We cut to a warehouse and we see Sean and Brian playing two drug dealers about to send out a shipment of drugs to their buyers)**

 **Sean: Alright, is that all of the Swank? Mr. Mendoza want it delivered by midnight tonight.**

 **Brian: Yeah, that's all of it.**

 **Sean: Good.**

 **(Obi-Wan crashes through the ceiling as Sean and Brian stop what they're doing and point their weapons at him)**

 **Brian: Who the hell is this asshole?**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello there.**_

 **Sean: Yo, kill that mother….!**

 **(Sean and Brian both shoot at Obi-Wan, killing him)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Yeah! You see what I mean? You are reckless!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A clip from** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: What?**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) After Obi-Wan takes care of the general's guards, we see Grievous in action.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not only he wields only one lightsaber, nor two or three, he wields four lightsabers. Holy shit. Four lightsabers. This is going to be an awesome duel. You have a Jedi master going up against a general who's trained in the Jedi arts by Count Dooku.**

 **(Obi-Wan cuts off one of Grievous' hands)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oookay. Well, at least he's got three hands…. (Sees that Obi-Wan cuts off another one of General Grievous' hands) Oh, come on!**

"What's the point of wielding four lightsabers with four hands if you're going to end up getting two of them cut off?" Sean asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Right when the two of them continue to duel, the clone army arrives to join in on the fun while Obi-Wan and Grievous battle in glorious…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ed, Edd N Eddy**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Eddy (Voiced by Tony Sampson): Kankers!**_

 _ **Ed (Voiced by Matt Hill): Extreme close-up!**_

 **(We get an extreme close-up shot of Grievous' eyes and Obi-Wan's eyes)**

 _ **General Grievous: Army or not you must realize you are doomed.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, I don't think so.**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Looney Toons**_ **short** _ **Duck Amuck**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Daffy Duck (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): A CLOSE-UP, YA JERK! A CLOSE-UP!**_

 **(The camera zooms into Daffy's angry bloodshot eyes)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Obi-Wan force pushes him, Grievous gets away and Obi-Wan makes chase on Boga the varactyl and during the chase, this happens.**

 **(During the chase, Obi-Wan drops his lightsaber, which Commander Cody happens to find during the battle)**

Sean and Brian both look at the camera silently while Sean ends up making a facepalm after seeing Obi-Wan dropping his lightsaber, which he ends up pointing up to the ceiling, cuing the following clip to play.

 **(Another clip from** _ **Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: (To Anakin after he drops his lightsaber) Next time, try not to lose it. This weapon is your life.**_

 **(We cut back to Revenge of the Sith and we see the clip showing Obi-Wan dropping his lightsaber being played once more)**

"Okay, all in favor for Obi-Wan being a complete idiot, say aye." Sean said.

 _ **Yoda: I agree.**_

 _ **Ki-Adi Mundi: Aye.**_

 _ **Mace Windu: Aye.**_

"Aye." Brian said, raising his hand.

"There, the ayes have it. Obi-Wan, you're a complete and total dumbass." Sean said.

 **(We see a clip of Obi-Wan shaking his head slowly)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back on Coruscant, Anakin goes to deliver a message to Chancellor Palpatine to tell him that General Grievous has been found on Utapau. Then Palpatine is getting sick and tired of Anakin not taking a hint and drops the Sith Lord bomb on him.**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Anakin, if one is to understand the great mystery one must study all its aspects not just the dogmatic narrow view of the Jedi. If you wish to become a complete and wise leader you must embrace a larger view of the Force. Be careful of the Jedi, Anakin. Only through me can you achieve a power greater than any Jedi.**_

"Oh, my god! How fucking stupid is Anakin? How is he not catching on to this guy?" Brian asked.

"Anakin, here's a little lesson for you. If he looks like a Sith lord, talks like a Sith lord and acts like a Sith lord, then he's probably a Sith lord. You stupid wanker!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Learn to know the dark side of the Force and you will be able to save your wife from certain death.**_

"And if you act now, I will teach you how to use force choke and how to force choke someone with your mind and the power to stop blaster shots with the palm of your hand." Sean said.

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Use my knowledge. I beg you.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: (Draws his lightsaber and ignites it) You're the Sith lord.**_

"Really? You don't say?" Sean and Brian both said at the same time.

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Are you going to kill me?**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I would certainly like to.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: I know you would.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) You naughty boy.**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: I can feel your anger.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) It's turning me on.**

 **Brian: (V/O as Anakin) What was that?**

 **Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) Nothing! Nothing. Forget that I just said that.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Obi-Wan, we see that he's still chasing Grievous and right when the two of them end up on Grievous' secret landing platform, Obi-Wan does something stupid by going fisticuffs with this guy.**

 **(Obi-Wan kicks Grievous in the leg and screams in pain)**

"Really, you obviously think that was going to work by fighting this guy with your bare hands? He's like the Tin Man from _The Wizard of Oz_." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But then Obi-Wan grabs a conveniently placed blaster with few shots to his heart, giving him a serious case of heartburn and then he says a line that really baffles me.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: So uncivilized. (Throws the blaster away)**_

"Oh, yeah. Blasters are so uncivilized. But lightsabers however…" Brian said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown as we see Luke cutting off Vader's hand with his lightsaber, then a clip from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown as we see Darth Maul hitting Qui-Gon in the face with his lightsaber then stabs him. A third clip, this time the clip is from** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **showing Kylo Ren killing Lor San Tekka with his lightsaber, followed by a clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **showing Darth Vader cutting off Luke's hand with his lightsaber. Then another clip from** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **is shown as we see Kylo Ren injuring Finn with his lightsaber)**

"Very civilized." Brian said with a smile on his face and giving a thumbs up.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Anakin goes to speak with Mace about Chancellor Palpatine and him being a Sith lord and knowing the ways of the Force and has been trained to use the dark side. He warns Mace that Palpatine is very powerful and they might need his help to arrest him, but Mace tells him to stay out of this affair and wants him to wait in the council chambers for their return. And then we get this beautifully shot scene right here with Anakin and Padme.**

 **(We see Padme looking at the window, then we get a shot of the Jedi Council in the distance. We cut back to Anakin, who's looking at the window as well with a shot of Padme's place while John Williams' music score is being played in the background)**

"I got nothing bad to say about this scene. I just love how it's shot. With John Williams' music and seeing Anakin being conflicted, he has to choose between the Jedi Order or Padme." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin rushes over to Chancellor Palpatine's office. But before he arrives, Mace Windu arrives with… (sees Agen Kolar, Saesee Tin and Kit Fisto with Mace Windu as they enter Palpatine's office) three Jedi?!**

"Oh, no." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) You can't be serious. You're about to arrest the chancellor who's a powerful Sith lord and you take these three morons with you?**

 **(A clip from** _ **A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): This is madness.**_

"I don't get it. What is it with this council and their inability to send a right number of Jedi?" Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones**_ **and** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just to be clear, in** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **, you have an entire planet under siege from the clutches of the Trade Federation and the council sends two Jedi. In** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **, the council sends only one Jedi to capture the leader of the droid army in hopes of ending the war. In** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **, how many Jedi did the council send to save the life of a captured Jedi? 212!**

 **(Another clip from** _ **A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by the late Alec Guinness): Now the Jedi are all but extinct.**_

"Yeah, I wonder why. Because the Jedi are idiots!" Sean yelled out.

"4 Jedi masters. Still, they're out of their league." Brian said.

 _ **Mace Windu: In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic you're under arrest, Chancellor.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?**_

 _ **Mace Windu: The senate will decide your fate.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: I am the senate.**_

 _ **Mace Windu: Not yet.**_

"Motherfucker, do you know who I am? I'm Superfly TNT, I'm the guns of the Navarone and I have had it with this motherfucking Sith in this motherfucking senate!" Sean exclaimed as he impersonates Samuel L. Jackson.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Palpatine refuses to go with the Jedi masters and he starts wrecking some shit.**

 **(Palpatine kills Agen Kolar first by running his lightsaber through his chest)**

Sean starts chuckling a bit at Agen Kolar's reaction. "Okay, what's with that first asshole there? He had his head turned like this like 'Huh?'." Sean said, turning his head back and forward. "And Palpatine slices him down. Why was that dipshit looking away for? Did Palpatine use the dark side on him like Quan Chi from Mortal Kombat or what was Kolar thinking?"

 **Brian: (V/O as Agen Kolar) Hmm, I wonder if I should write a Cheryl/Toni massage smut story for…**

 **Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) Gotcha, bitch!**

 **(Palpatine kills Kolar and we hear Homer Simpson's scream in the background)**

"The original idea they had for him was to use Anakin's lightsaber." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After easily killing the three useless Jedi masters, Palpatine goes up against Windu and Mace seems to fair better, thanks to top billing and he overcomes the evil Sith lord but Anakin ends up being the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Die Hard 2**_ **is shown)**

 _ **John McClane (Played by Bruce Willis): (Sighs) The story of my life.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Anakin, I told you it would come to this. I was right. The Jedi are taking over.**_

 _ **Mace Windu: The oppression of the Sith will never return. You have lost.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: No. No. No.**_

Sean and Brian both start laughing.

"Okay, Ian McDiarmid is having way too much fun with the character. Thank God, he's giving us our fix of ham." Brian said.

"He sounds like a toddler refusing to eat his food." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)  
**

**(Adam and Lexi are about to feed Aaron)**

 **Adam: Come on, Aaron. Eat your peas. You can do it.**

 **Aaron: No.**

 **Lexi: Come on, sweetheart. They're good for you.**

 **Aaron: (With Palpatine's voice) No. No. No.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Palpatine uses force lightning on Mace until the Jedi master deflects it on the evil Sith Lord, causing his face to look physically deformed. You know, that never happened to Luke when he used force lighting on him in Return of the Jedi. And then Palpatine starts playing the victim to get Anakin to join the dark side.**

 _ **Mace Windu: I am going to end this once and for all.**_

"And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" Sean exclaimed as he pulls out his green lightsaber.

 **(Mace prepares to deliver the final blow to Palpatine)**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Please don't!**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: (Yells) No!**_

 **(Anakin wields his lightsaber and intervenes by cutting off Mace's hand)**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: (Smiles and shocks Mace with force lightning) Power! Unlimited power!**_

 **(Palpatine blasts Mace out of the window, sending him plunging to his death)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, who's playing the same janitor from The Phantom Menace review, doing some sweeping until we hear the sound of Sean's cousin Samuel screaming)**

 **Samuel: (as Mace Windu) Aaaah! That mother…!**

 **(Samuel hits the ground and Sean stops sweeping, then looks up)**

 **Sean: (Sigh and sweeps Samuel away) I gotta get that transfer to the Death Star.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: (Horrified) What have I done?**_

"Isn't that what Hayden Christensen said when he did the movie Jumper and when he got engaged to Rachel Bilson?" Sean asked.

 **(A poster for the movie** _ **Jumper**_ **and a photo of Rachel Bilson from her Maxim photoshoot is shown)**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: What have I done?**_

"It's going to get darker, trust me." Brian said.

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I will do whatever you ask.**_

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: Good.**_

Sean starts laughing for a bit. "Okay, I have seen The Unusual Suspect's review of this movie and while watching this movie, I paused any of his scenes at any moment and it looks like he's midway through an orgasm. I'm not kidding. If you own the movie on DVD or on Blu-Ray at home, pause any of his scenes at any moment and you'll see that it looks like he's having an orgasm.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, it looks like that Anakin is totally blowing him.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Palpatine) The Force is strong… with you. (Groans) That's the spot, Ani.**

 _ **Chancellor Palpatine: A powerful Sith you will become. Henceforth you shall be known as Darth Vader.**_

"Yeah. And why is he known as Darth Vader? Uh, George. Why is Anakin known as Darth Vader? You must have a reason for that. Either you or Rick McCallum said to us that we'll know why Anakin is known as Darth Vader. Got an answer for us?" Sean asked.

 _ **Construction Worker from Team Fortress 2: (V/O as the word "Nope" pops up on the screen) Nope.**_

"You suck." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, Anakin's a bad guy now with the Sith name Darth Vader as Palpatine gives him his first assignment, by launching an assault on the Jedi Temple.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And this is where we see Anakin the whiner growing some balls as he arrives at the Jedi Temple with a line of soldiers behind him. Holy shit! This dude is suddenly badass! I'm starting to like this character.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) While all that is going down, Palpatine has some tricks up his sleeve when he broadcasts a command to the clone trooper when he executes order 66.**

"And what's order 66? You'll see in 3, 2, 1." Sean said.

 _ **Commander Cody (Played by Temuera Morrison): Blast him!**_

 **(An All Terrain Tactical Enforcer fires at Obi-Wan, the blast knocks him and Boga off a cliff)**

 **Sean and Brian: (Narrating) HOLY SHIT!**

 **(We see many of the Jedi Generals including Ki-Adi Mundi, Aayla Secura, Plo Koon and Stass Allie being eliminated by the clone troopers)**

"Yeesh, no wonder this one got a PG-13 rating." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about the order 66 scene? It's surprisingly dramatic seeing characters that we've barely known getting killed. John Williams delivers another cracking score and the track** _ **Anakin's Betrayal**_ **is the best in the soundtrack. It's haunting, beautiful and sad all at the same time. Can you imagine without John Williams' music score, something else plays throughout the scene?**

 **(The order 66 scene plays, instead of the track** _ **Anakin's Betrayal**_ **, the song** _ **You Can Do You**_ **performed by Logan Pepper, Daniel DiMaggio, Meg Donnelly and Julia Butters from the** _ **American Housewife**_ **musical episode is being played throughout the scene)**

Sean picks up a blaster rifle and starts firing off-screen multiple times to stop the music. "Moving on."

 **Brian: (Narrating) But hey, at least Yoda managed to behead two of the clone troopers who were sneaking up on him. Boy, these guys are the dumbest stormtroopers ever. Back on Coruscant, the clone troopers assault the Jedi Temple, slaughtering any Jedi they see in their way while Anakin…**

 **(A group of Younglings are discovered by Anakin)**

 _ **Sors Bandeam (Played by Ross Beadman in an uncredited role): Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do?**_

 **(With a cold, emotionless face, Anakin draws his lightsaber and ignites it)**

Sean and Brian look on in shock at the scene.

"Jesus Christ!" Sean yelled out.

"Thank God it's off-screen. Still, you know what's coming and it doesn't make it any easier." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from children being brutally murdered, Bail Organa once again played by Jimmy Smits, arrives at the flaming Temple as Commander Appo, voiced by Temuera Morrison, tells him that the situation is under control and tells him to leave or he'll kill him before he becomes the new President in the final season of** _ **The West Wing**_ **, then he witnesses the clone troopers killing the everloving shit out of a young Padawan. Great job, George. You killed off your own son in your movie. And so, it leaves him for the one face they can trust as he contacts Obi-Wan.**

 _ **Senator Bail Organa (Played by Jimmy Smits): We have just rescued Master Yoda. It appears this ambush has happened everywhere. We're sending you our coordinates.**_

"You know, they're lucky that the message was not intercepted by their enemies. Look, they're trying to kill all of the Jedi and there's so many of them. You think they would keep better track of their frequencies? Guess this film shows how stupid Stormtroopers are." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Anakin returns home to a worried Padme and tells her that the Jedi are trying to take over the Republic and there are traitors in the Senate. Let's not mention the killing of children to her because she will freak out.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He then tells Padme that he's going to the Mustafar system, where the remaining Separatists have gathered so he can end the war. Hmm, I wonder why. Maybe going on a killing spree for Palpatine.**

 _ **C-3PO: (To R2-D2) Well, he is under a lot of stress, R2.**_

 **(R2 beeps and whistles)**

"Well, he had to release that stress by slaughtering children." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with Obi-Wan, he arrives on Bail Organa's transport the Tantive III and meets up with him and Yoda and figure out what to do and their best bet is to go back to the Jedi Temple and learn what's going on. And while all that is going down, Anakin arrives on Mustafar, where he is greeted by Viceroy Gunray.**

"God, please tell me he's going to kill that annoying bastard. I fucking hate that guy!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Anakin traps the Separatists in the bunker)**

"Oh, boy. I hope he does kill them." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Obi-Wan and Yoda arrive at the Jedi Temple and they start taking out a bunch of clone troopers. Yep, definitely dumb stormtroopers. Then we cut to the Senate, where Palpatine is holding a special session when he tells them of the plot of the Jedi to overthrow the senate and that the remaining Jedi will be hunted down and defeated. Who cares?! I wanted to see the Separatist killing spree.**

 **(We cut to Anakin, who's slaughtering everybody in Mustafar)**

"Yes! Yes!" Sean cheered.

 **(We cut back to the Senate)**

 _ **Palpatine: …the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay. The Republic is now the Galactic Empire. Can we get to the goddamn killing spree?**

 _ **Padme: So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.**_

"Okay, if you don't cut back to the fucking massacre, then somebody's gonna get massacred." Sean said as he pulls out his green lightsaber.

 **(We cut back to Anakin on Mustafar as he's about to kill Gunray)**

 _ **Nute Gunray (Played by Silas Carson): The war is over. Lord Sidious promised us peace. We only want…**_

 **(Anakin kills Viceroy Gunray by slashing him across the chest)**

"Oh, yes!" Sean cheered. "God, that's the best part. Let's forget about Anakin slaughtering children because this is a good thing he's done in the movie." Sean said.

"Best scene ever." Brian said.

"I know. Let's watch it again!" Sean said as he picked up the remote to play the scene one more time.

 **(The scene where Anakin kills Viceroy Gunray is being played over and over and over again)**

"Anyway." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan and Yoda continue their investigation at the Temple and while checking out the security recordings, Obi-Wan sees some footage that's too unsettling for him.**

"Unsettling footage? I think I know what it is, they're planning on doing a Christmas special with the prequels." Sean said.

"Nope." Brian said, showing it.

 **(Obi-Wan sees a recording of Anakin slaughtering a class of younglings and kneeling before Palpatine, much to his horror)**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: It can't be. It can't be.**_

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: (On the security hologram recording) You have done well, my new apprentice. Now, Lord Vader go and bring peace to the Empire.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Turns the recording off) I can't watch any more.**_

"Well, he saw his former friend killing kids. So, can you blame him?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what's with Obi-Wan's reaction? Dude, show some emotion. (The Order 66 scene is shown and we see Yoda showing some emotion) Take a look at Yoda's reaction during the Order 66 scene. Look at how devastated he looks and listen to that tragic score. That's how you do it. And Obi-Wan's reaction…**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: I can't watch any more.**_

"He made the same reaction that I made when I saw a porn parody of _Star Wars_." Sean said.

"Is that real?" Brian asked.

"Yes, it's real." Sean said.

"Oh, brother." Brian laughed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Yoda tells Obi-Wan that they must destroy the Sith and Obi-Wan wants him to send him to kill the Emperor but he will not kill Anakin because he's like his brother. But Obi-Wan is not strong enough, so he has to go after Anakin while Yoda goes after Palpatine.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: I do not know where the emperor has sent him. I don't know where to look.**_

 _ **Yoda: Use your feelings, Obi-Wan, and find him you will.**_

"So, where does the first place he goes to find Anakin?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) He goes to visit Padme and asks for the whereabouts of Anakin on a bright and sunny day.**

"What?" Brian asked as he removes a pair of sunglasses, then removes another pair of sunglasses from off of his face. "What?"

 **(A clip from** _ **The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon**_ **is shown, showing Harrison Ford doing a spit take)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Padme? You go to Padme and then you immediately tell her this.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Padme, Anakin has turned to the dark side.**_

"Uh, George. You can't just say that. That is such a big piece of information to reveal in dialogue. That's just too stupid. Let me give you a lesson on Filmmaking 101. What is the number 1 rule of filmmaking? Show don't tell. You had the right idea with how Obi-Wan discovered Anakin's betrayal because it's visual. And how does Padme find out about it? Obi-Wan tells her about it on a bright and sunny day in her living room." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and here's some stupid dialogue from George Lucas. And if you thought that Anakin's sand line from** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **was bad, then you haven't heard Obi-Wan's line.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: I have seen a- a security hologram… of him… killing younglings.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Spider-Man 2**_ **is shown, showing J. Jonah Jameson laughing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Padme doesn't believe him. Well, of course. She's pregnant with his child and she refuses to tell him where he is. Screw it, let's move on. Padme departs for Mustafar to find her husband while Obi-Wan stows away on her ship so he can kill him.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Padme arrives on Mustafar…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Dirty Rotten Scoundrels**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Arthur (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Welcome to Hell.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) …and she reunites with Anakin. And she learns the terrible truth about her husband.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the chancellor. I- I can overthrow him. (Padme takes a step back away from Anakin) And together, you and I can rule the galaxy, make things the way we want them to be.**_

"She finds out, thanks to Palpatine, he's lost his mind." Brian said.

 _ **Padme: Obi-Wan was right. You've changed.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don't you turned against me.**_

 _ **Padme: I don't know you anymore. Anakin, you're breaking my heart.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Padme begs Anakin to stop, but when he sees Obi-Wan doing his Wonder Woman impersonation, Anakin accuses Padme of lying to him and betraying him to his former friend, so he force chokes her, which Obi-Wan intervenes. Who knows? Maybe Padme is into this kinky shit.**

"Oh, God. I hope there isn't any Anakin/Padme BDSM smut on Fanfiction involving her enjoying being choked during sex." Sean said as he goes on his laptop and much to his surprise, he finds an Anakin/Padme fanfic. "What the hell? _Asking To Be Dominated_. Padme dominates Anakin?! Oh, you guys are sick!"

"Moving on." Brian said.

 **(Music from** _ **The Good, The Bad and the Ugly**_ **plays)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) And now it's master versus apprentice. Friend versus friend. Brother against brother. Coke versus Pepsi. It's the duel of the century. But first, Anakin has to get his pre-duel speech out of the way.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice and security to my new empire.**_

"Your new empire?" Sean asked.

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your new empire?**_

Sean's eyes widened for a bit as he stays silent while Brian just looks at him after Obi-Wan said the same thing as him.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: If you're not with me, then you're my enemy.**_

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: Only a Sith deals in absolutes. (Wields his lightsaber) I will do what I must.**_

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: You will try.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the two of them have their lightsaber duel with the most epic track ever being played. I have to say that this is one of the best lightsaber duels out of the series, aside from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **and** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **. Back on Coruscant, Yoda confronts Darth Sidious and has himself a little duel with him.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious: At last the Jedi are no more.**_

 _ **Yoda: Not if anything to say about it I have.**_

 **(Yoda force pushes Palpatine)**

 _ **Yoda: At an end your rule is. And not short enough it was.**_

"In other words, your ass I will kick." Sean said, imitating Yoda.

"MMM. But overconfident the Jedi have become." Brian said, also imitating Yoda.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, Yoda and Palpatine have their lightsaber duel before we switch back to… (Sees Anakin grabbing Obi-Wan by the throat) Jesus!**

 **(Anakin tries to Obi-Wan, but the Jedi master kicks him. Anakin gets back up and kicks Obi-Wan, he then charges at him before Obi-Wan kicks him)**

"What the hell was that?" Brian asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Solo: A Star Wars Story**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Qi'ra (Played by Emilia Clarke): Teras Kasi.**_

"SHUT UP!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

"Oh, brother." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, we have two duels going on. One on Mustafar between Obi-Wan and Anakin and one on Coruscant between Yoda and Palpatine. Even though Yoda could handle Count Dooku pretty well, Darth Sidious could be a handful for him and in that case, Yoda is in way over his head. After Yoda repels Darth Sidious' force lightning with the last of his strength, the blast knocks them the hell out, with Yoda falling to the Senate floor and waiting for the debris to clear out so he can make his escape.**

 _ **Clone Trooper: There's no sign of his body, sir.**_

 _ **Mas Amedda (Played by David Bowers): Then he is not dead.**_

"Uh, do you guys realize which film series this is, right?" Brian asked.

"When Jedi die, they don't necessarily leave a body. In fact, when that specific Jedi dies he doesn't leave a body." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Palpatine senses that his apprentice is in danger, as we cut back to Obi-Wan and Anakin before cutting back to Yoda, who escapes with Bail Organa and tells him that he's going into exile for his failing to defeat the Emperor and we cut back to Anakin and Obi-Wan where we see that this lightsaber duel intensifies.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground.**_

"Oh, yeah. Well, Anakin's got the _Higher Ground_." Sean said, referencing the American-Canadian teen drama from 2000 that starred Hayden Christensen.

"Dude, really?" Brian asked.

"Hey, if The Unusual Suspect can make that joke, then I can too." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it's all fun and games until Anakin loses two legs and an arm. And then Obi-Wan makes his dramatic speech from the trailer.**

 _ **Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them!**_

"Yeah, well the prophecy lied to you." Brian said.

 _ **Anakin Skywalker: I hate you!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Kramer vs. Kramer**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ted Kramer (Played by Dustin Hoffman): And I hat you back, you little shit!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from losing three of his limbs, the fucker gets caught on fire. And what does Obi-Wan do? He just leaves him there to die. Damn, what a dick. I know that he tried to kill but don't leave him there to die. Anyway, Palpatine arrives and finds Anakin barely clinging to life.**

"Which brings me to my next question: how the fuck is Palpatine not burning up from wearing that robe on a planet filled with lava? That's just like going to Antarctica wearing swim trunks and not getting cold." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) While Palpatine tends to his apprentice, we see that the vision of Padme's death is actually happening. So, we get a birth and rebirth happening as Padme gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl named Luke and Leia before dying. And with Anakin, we see that he's given a massive upgrade.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thus, Darth Vader is born.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Lord Vader. Can you hear me?**_

 _ **Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): Yes, Master. Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she all right?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Palpatine gives him the bad news, that he indirectly killed Padme and this sends Anakin over the edge.**

 _ **Darth Vader: NOOOOOOO!**_

"Theory I've heard about this scene. Look his vocal chords are gone, he can't talk, but a computer speaking for him can. He's trying to scream but it's not translated right." Brian said. "Anyone wanna back up that theory? Anyone? Huh?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And yeah, you know that Darth Vader loses all credibility when he shouts out "NOOOO!". I bet ya test audiences thought that this was the most silliest thing ever saw on the face of the Earth.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, Brian, Cheryl and Taylor as the test audience watching the Darth Vader scene)**

 _ **Darth Vader: NOOOOOOO!**_

 **(Adam, who's playing George Lucas. Pauses the movie and turns on the lights)**

 **Adam: Well, what do you guys think?**

 **Taylor: I don't know. I don't know what to think of this. Darth Vader shouting "No" after Palpatine tells him about Padme's death. I think it's a bit, it's a bit…**

 **Cheryl: I have to agree with Linda, here. It is pretty silly. You can't have the galaxy's most feared Sith lord shouting out "No". You can't do that.**

 **Adam: Ted, what do you think?**

 **Brian: Yeah, I like it.**

 **Sean: Yeah. You know that "No" shit? Yeah. I can get behind that shit.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Vader now knows that he can only serve the Emperor now, thinking both his children died.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Which means the future of the twins. How will they keep them safe from the Sith. Well, split them up of course. In that case, we set things up for Episode IV and explain how everyone got where they ended up. First up, we have C-3PO and R2-D2 in the care of Captain Antilles.**

 _ **Senator Bail Organa: I'm placing these droids in your care. Treat them well. Clean them up. Have the protocol droid's mind wiped.**_

 _ **C-3PO: What?**_

 **(R2-D2 beeps with chuckling beeps)**

 _ **C-3PO: Oh, no.**_

"Uh, yeah. I guess it explains how C-3PO didn't know Uncle Owen when he brought him from the Jawas. Yeah, kinda doesn't explain how Uncle Owen doesn't recognize C-3PO when he brought him." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back on Naboo, we get a somber funeral for Padme, making her body to look like she's still pregnant just to protect her children and with the Galactic Empire, we see Vader, the Emperor and not Peter Cushing overlooking the construction of the ultimate weapon that can destroy…**

"Dude! Don't spoil it!" Sean yelled out.

"Uh, you do know that people know that it's the Death Star, right? So, it's no need to say not to spoil it when they clearly saw the original trilogy." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And the movie ends with Bail Organa and his wife adopting Leia on Alderaan. And of course Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, Anakin's stepsiblings, adopt Luke. Have you ever bothered to change his last name? And I'm sure that Vader won't come looking for him on Tatooine because he hates sand.**

 **(The film ends with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru holding the infant Luke while looking out the horizon and watching the Tatooine's twin suns. We then cut to the end credits reading "Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS")**

"And that was _Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith_ , tying up any loose ends. Well, except for _Rogue One: A Star Wars Story_ but that's for another review. Anyway, that was _Revenge of the Sith_ and it is a lot of fun to watch and it was awesome." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown while** _ **Battle of the Heroes**_ **plays in the background)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Despite it's flaws, it's still enjoyable. This is one that really felt like a Star Wars movie. You got betrayal, epic lightsaber duels, explosions and breathtaking visual effects. The movie was dark, gritty and dramatic and they really deserved that PG-13 rating.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) A lot of things had to be done in this movie. Darth Vader had to be created, the Jedi Order had to be destroyed, the Empire had to be done and we can't spend two hours of boring-ass politics and Jar-Jar. This is a big improvement over** _ **Attack of the Clones**_ **. The visual storytelling is amazing. Sure, when I pop it in every once in a while, I tend to laugh at the silly scenes like Anakin and Obi-Wan's banter in the beginning of the movie and Darth Vader shouting "NOOOOOOO". The acting in this one is superb. And I know a lot of people are gonna give me shit for saying this but I enjoyed Hayden Christensen in this movie. Sure, he didn't surprise me with his line delivery but when he turns to the dark side, holy shit. But I hate to nitpick on a movie that I really like but Anakin's turn to the dark side was rushed, the dramatic moments tend to be silly and the my god, the dialogue. And the extensive use of CGI is used way too many times.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The movie has been regarded as the best of the prequels. Another thing I like about the movie was Ian McDiarmid. He's having way too fun with the role. Aside from the performances of Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Frank Oz and Ian McDiarmid, I also did enjoy Hayden Christensen as well.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie received positive reactions from critics saying that this is the best Star Wars prequel yet. Before the movie's release, there was a video game adaptation of the movie that was released the same year.** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **the video game came out on the PlayStation 2, Xbox, Game Boy Advance and the Nintendo DS. I remember playing the game on my PS2 and I tend to laugh at Anakin's death scream when he dies.**

 **(A picture of Anakin pops up as his death scream from the video game plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As I look back on the prequels, I did find myself enjoy watching them even though they had their silly moments. And they showed us what to do and what not to do in in a** _ **Star Wars**_ **movie. With that said,** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**_ **gets four slain Jedi Masters out of five.**

"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm Brian." Brian said.

"And I'll see you guys next time for The Summer of Star Wars when we take a look at the film that started it all." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for** _ **The Star Wars Holiday Special**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special.**_

"NO!" Sean and Brian both yelled out.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground.**_

 **And that's all for the** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **review. I know, it took me a while to finish it. Special thanks to Boris Yeltsin for co-reviewing the movie with me. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean takes a look at the film that started it all,** _ **Star Wars**_ **aka** _ **Star Wars: A New Hope.**_ **The first film in the original trilogy. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates for more reviews. Also, if you want to co-review any of the Star Wars movies with me for** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **, feel free to PM me. Here are the movies that's coming up:**

 _ **Star Wars**_

 _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_

 _ **Return of the Jedi**_

 _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_

 _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_

 **I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	65. TSOSW Part III: Star Wars

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. When we last left off, Sean and Brian reviewed the third and final film of the** _ **Star Wars**_ **prequels** _ **Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith**_ **and they both say how good the movie was and it was the best one yet. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with the one movie that started it all, Star Wars. So, without further ado this is the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Grab yourself an ice cold can of Mountain Dew Liberty Brew, munch on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and enjoy.**

 **P.S.: As before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Wars**_ **is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, LucasFilm LTD. and Disney.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part III: Star Wars**

"Good evening, my intergalactic assembly. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to _THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS_!" Sean said in a deep voice as he stood up on the couch before sitting back down. "Today, we're going to talk about _Star Wars_ or _Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope_."

 **(The** _ **Star Wars**_ **theme plays while clips from** _ **A New Hope**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No need to give this movie an introduction, it's one of the biggest damn movies ever made that turned filmmaker George Lucas into a worldwide legend. The movie was released in theaters on May 25** **th** **, 1977. It changed the way we looked at movies. The movie was a worldwide smash, earning over $750 million dollars, making the most successful movie ever. It received ten Academy Awards including Best Picture and merchandising for** _ **Star Wars**_ **were huge when Kenner released the toys and kids went crazy and a nightmare for parents to track down. When I was about 5 years old, my mother introduced me to the original** _ **Star Wars**_ **trilogy when she owned the original theatrical version when they released the 1995 last chance to own VHS before they received a special edition upgrade. Many of us younger fans never gotten a chance to see** _ **Star Wars**_ **on the big screen and the re-release was a big deal. Don't worry, I'll get to the special edition re-release. You all know the story by now. The movie tells the adventures of a young man joining a group of rebels to stop an evil empire and restoring freedom to the people.**

"Sadly, over the years, this movie has become a victim of special editions and enhancements and all sorts of shit." Sean said.

 **(More clips are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, there's the despecialized versions of the original film trilogy. Back in 2011, I did managed to get the limited edition two-disc DVDs with the special edition and the original theatrical versions. Today, I will be looking at the original theatrical version the way it was meant to be seen without the added bullshit.**

"Well, grab your _Star Wars_ lightsaber and your Darth Vader action figure, this is _Star Wars_." Sean said.

 **(The words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…" is shown on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we get our opening text scroll telling us that it's a period of civil war and somehow the Rebels won their first victory against the Galactic Empire and during the battles a group of rebel spies managed to steal the Death Star plans. Don't worry, when we get to** _ **Rogue One**_ **, it'll explain everything. After our opening text scroll, our story begins… (In a booming, echoing voice) IN SPACE! We see a starship getting pursued by an Imperial Star Destroyer over Tatooine.**

 **(We see the Star Destroyer pursuing the Tantive IV while firing at it)**

"Man, that ship is too damn big to fit in a ten-second clip. Damn!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The starship known as the Tantive IV has Princess Leia aboard and not only it holds the Princess, it's holding our droid leads C-3PO played by Anthony Daniels and R2-D2 played by the late Kenny Baker. The Imperials manage to knock out the main reactor and allowing the Star Destroyer capture the ship and send their stormtroopers to board.**

"Oh, come on. They're stormtroopers and we all know how they operate and what they do and how their aim is. They can't shoot for sh…" Sean said.

 **(We see the Imperial stormtroopers boarding the Tantive IV. We see them managing to hit a few rebel guards)**

"Wow, some of them are good shots." Sean said, looking surprised.

 **Sean: (Narrating) C-3PO and R2-D2 walk right through the hallway and becoming the lucky bastards that they are from not getting hit from any of the laser blasts, escaping the combat as Darth Vader, played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones, assess the damage.**

 **(Darth Vader assesses the damage)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Yep. Those bitches are dead. Let's move on so I can choke people out.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going down, Princess Leia Organa, played by the late Carrie Fisher respectively, gets R2 on the side for some top secret business, which we won't have it cleared up for quite a bit, let's move on to Darth Vader, who's busy choking somebody right now while interrogating him.**

 _ **Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): (While questioning Captain Antilles) Where are those transmissions you intercepted? What have you done with those plans?**_

 _ **Captain Antilles (Played by Peter Geddis): We intercepted no transmissions. This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: If this is a consular ship where is the ambassador?**_

 **(Vader kills Antilles)**

 _ **Darth Vader: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the passengers! I want them alive!**_

"You know, I wonder what it would be like if James Earl Jones didn't voice Darth Vader. Then they would have David Prowse doing his voice as well." Sean said.

 **(Raw behind the scenes footage of** _ **Star Wars**_ **is shown)**

 _ **David Prowse (as Darth Vader): Start tearing this ship apart, piece by piece until you found those tapes. Find the passengers of this vessel! I want them alive!/You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take her away!**_

Brian and the others start booing at the footage.

"All right. All right. We can agree that the movie will suck with Prowse's voice." Sean said.

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): This is madness.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Princess Leia ends up getting captured by the Imperials as C-3PO and R2-D2 escape in an escape pod.**

 **(The escape pod ejects from the ship as two Imperial officers look on)**

 _ **Imperial Officer #1: There goes another one.**_

 _ **Imperial Officer #2: Hold your fire. There's no life-forms. It must have short-circuited.**_

"It's probably nothing. Let's look for other things to shoot at. Hey look, there's somebody watching the _Star Wars Holiday Special_. Let's shoot at him." Sean said as we hear the sound of laser turrets firing with an explosion and the sound of the classic Wilhelm scream.

 **Wilhelm Scream Counter #3**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the two droids escape the ship after R2 keeps rambling to C-3PO about a secret mission, Vader interrogates Princess Leia about where the secret plans are but she plays it off like she doesn't know anything. In other words, she ain't telling him jack shit and Jack left town.**

 _ **Daine Jir (Played by Al Lampert): Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out it could generate sympathy for the rebellion in the senate**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I've traced the rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to finding their secret base/**_

 _ **Daine Jir: She'll die before she'll tell you anything.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Leave that to me.**_

We cut back to Sean, who is now sporting a Darth Vader mask before speaking in his Darth Vader voice. "I have my ways. I'm known to force choke the answers out of them."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But there's still the problem with the plans that they haven't recovered on the ship as Vader figured that Princess Leia's hidden the plans in the escape pod. So, where's the escape pod? Down on Tatooine, of course, as we see C-3PO and R2-D2 walking down the desert and R2 being the droid on a mission but C-3PO bickers with R2 like an old married couple.**

 _ **C-3PO: I've just about had enough of you. Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile. (Kicks R2) And don't let me catch you following me begging for help because you won't get it.**_

 **(C-3PO walks away as R2-D2 beeps and whistles)**

 _ **C-3PO: No more adventures. I'm not going that way.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as C-3PO) You think we should go that way?**

 **(R2-D2 beeps)**

 **Sean: (V/O as C-3PO) Well, I'm going this way.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) C-3PO and R2-D2 go their separate ways, as C-3PO walks down the desert, only to find more sand and lots of sand until he finds a mysterious vehicle on the horizon. As for R2, he slips through a rocky valley, only to be jumped by Jawas.**

 **(One of the Jawas shoot R2-D2 with an EMP gun, disabling him until R2 tips over)**

"Uh, was there somebody on set kicking R2-D2 down to the ground?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, R2-D2 gets captured by the Jawas and he reunites with C-3PO, who gets himself captured by the Jawas as well. Turns out that the Jawas are scavengers that scoop up whatever machines they could find and sell to the locals and where's the first place that they stop off at? By a moisture farm, where are main hero Luke Skywalker played by Mark Hamill is looking to buy some droids along with his uncle Owen, played by the late Phil Brown.**

 _ **Uncle Owen (Played by the late Phil Brown): What I really need is a droid who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.**_

 _ **C-3PO: Vaporators? Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters, very similar to your vaporators in most respects.**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: Can you speak Bocce?**_

 _ **C-3PO: Of course I can, sir? It's like a second language to me…**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: Yeah, all right. Shut up. I'll take this one.**_

"Okay, how the fuck does he not recognize C-3PO? He lived with him and Beru and his father after he bought Shmi. Any explanation to why he doesn't recognize him?" Sean asked.

"Well, he hasn't seen him in what 20 something years." Brian said.

"What? Did they wipe Uncle Owen's memory as well?" Sean asked.

"Oy." Brian said as he makes a facepalm.

 **(A clip from** _ **Captain America: Civil War**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Tony Stark (Played by Robert Downey Jr.): I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Luke ends up getting C-3PO and the red astrodroid instead of R2-D2, but the other droid suffers a catastrophic failure.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Uncle Owen!**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: Yeah?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look.**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: Hey, what are you trying to push on us?**_

"Hey, you should've listened to John Matarese. He always tells us don't waste your money." Sean said.

"That he does, that he does." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They eventually get R2-D2 and Luke takes them home to clean them up and makes conversation with C-3PO and finds out that the droids were in the previous hands of the rebellion, then he finds a message from Princess Leia.**

 _ **Princess Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. (The message plays back again) Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.**_

 **(R2-D2 beeps)**

 _ **C-3PO: He says it's nothing, sir, merely a malfunction. Old data. Pay it no mind.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Who is she? She's beautiful.**_

"You'll find out later, man. Just don't have any naughty thoughts about her. Trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The message is incomplete but the droid assures them that they can play back the full message. But the only way to do that is for Luke to remove that pesky restraining bolt that's on him.**

 **(Luke removes the restraining bolt from off of R2-D2 and the message stops playing)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: There you go. (Sees that R2 stops playing the message) Wait a minute, where'd she go? Play it back. Play back the entire message.**_

 _ **C-3PO: What message? (Hits R2-D2) The one you've just been playing.**_

"See that? This proves to show that computers tend to act as dumb." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, that intergalactic holographic voicemail has to wait because Luke is about to have dinner with Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, played by the late Shelagh Fraser. We see that they're having a nice little meal. I don't know what their eating. It must've been bantha meat with rice and a nice cup of blue milk.**

"I wonder what blue milk tastes like." Sean said as he pours himself a glass of blue milk, then he starts drinking it. The young critic looks at the camera with a smile on his face, indicating that he likes it.

"You know it comes from banthas, right?" Taylor asked.

"So?" Sean asked while he continues to drink the blue milk.

"Mark Hamill stated that the blue milk was "life-long milk" with additives and they put blue food coloring in it." Taylor said as Sean spits out the blue milk and makes a disgusted face.

"Ugh! It's horrible!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During the meal, Luke brings up that the droids belong to someone named Obi-Wan Kenobi, but Uncle Owen shrugs it off . Then, Luke tells Uncle Owen that he wants to transmit his application to the academy if the new droids work out.**

 _ **Uncle Owen: You mean the next semester before the harvest?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Sure, there's more than enough droids.**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one season more. This year, we'll make enough in the harvest that I'll hire some more hand and then you can go to the academy next year. You must understand I need you, you know?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: But it's a whole another year.**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: It's only one more season.**_

"In other words, fuck your future. You're staying here on this godforsaken sand heap." Sean said.

 _ **Aunt Beru (Played by the late Shelagh Fraser): Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone. It means so much to him.**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise.**_

 _ **Aunt Beru: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.**_

 _ **Uncle Owen: That's what I'm afraid of.**_

"We learn through the book _From a Certain Point of View_ that Obi-Wan saved Luke when he was a kid, and Owen didn't take it well." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After learning that he is going to be stuck on this planet for another year for harvest season and not going anywhere, Luke takes a moment to look at the Binary Sunset in this iconic scene.**

 **(Luke stares off at Tatooine's twin suns while John Williams' epic music plays throughout the scene)**

Sean smiles from listening to John Williams' music score. "John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, ladies and gentlemen."

 **(We cut to footage of John Williams conducting music with the London Symphony Orchestra)**

"Okay, now play the _NBC Nightly News_ theme music." Sean said.

 **(The** _ **NBC Nightly News**_ **theme also known as** _ **The Mission Part I**_ **starts playing as we cut to footage of John Williams composing the music)**

"Heard John got the score worked out in about two weeks." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that iconic scene, Luke finds out that R2-D2 ran off in the middle of the night because Luke removed his restraining bolt. So, he waits until morning to chase after him. Well, at least his aunt and uncle didn't find out about the little droid running away. Eventually, Luke and C-3PO easily track R2-D2 and just in time too because R2 detects some hostile creatures approaching, so Luke decides to check it out.**

 **(Luke sees two Banthas)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Well, there are two Banthas down there, but I don't see any… wait a second. (Sees one of the Sand People) They're Sand People, all right. I can see one of them now.**_

 **(One of the Sand People pop up and does it's signature battle cry as C-3PO screams and falls over)**

"See? This is what happens when you spy on the Tusken Raiders having their private time with the Banthas." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, I just love C-3PO's reaction after seeing the Tusken Raider getting ready to attack Luke. That scream is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard in my life.**

"This is the kind of reaction you could put in anything and it works. Case in point, let's take a look at a few scenes with C-3PO's reaction." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Resident Evil 2**_ **is shown showing the character Mr. X aka Tyrant moving the helicopter away, then we cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Venom**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Carlton Drake (Played by Riz Ahmed): This is the last time I'm asking you. Where is my Symbiote?**_

 _ **Eddie Brock (Played by Tom Hardy): I have no idea.**_

 **(Drake changes into Riot)**

 _ **Riot: Where is he?**_

 **(We cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over again)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Mask of the Phantasm**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Phantasm (Voiced by Stacy Keach Jr.): Sal Valestra, your angel of death awaits.**_

 **(The Phantasm removes the newspaper away, revealing Valestra with a ghastly grin on his face)**

 **(We cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over once more)**

"Try it out at home. I want to see what you could come up with." Sean said. "Wait, I have the perfect one."

 **(A clip from the** _ **Star Wars Holiday Special**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special. Starring Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker….**_

 **(We cut to C-3PO screaming and falling over)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before the Sand People deliver Luke an ass whooping for spying on them, another figure swoops in and scares them off. And this mysterious figure turned out to be…**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by the late Alec Guiness): Hello, there.**_

"Obi-Wan Kenobi played by Alec Guiness. Or Ben Kenobi. We're not supposed to know that yet. Goddamn it, I ruined the reveal for you!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He's been hiding here on Tatooine for decades. I mean, it's not like he's going to reveal his identity to Luke.**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan. Now, that's a name I've not heard in a long time. A long time.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I think my uncle knows him. He said he was dead.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You know him?**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Well, of course I know him. He's me.**_

"You fucking idiot." Sean rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They go to his house to avoid any more Sand People attacks and Ben reveals more about himself to Luke.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You fought in the Clone Wars?**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yes. I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I wish I'd known him.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: He was the best starpilot in the galaxy and a cunning warrior.**_

"And a bit of a cry baby as well." Sean said, imitating Obi-Wan Kenobi.

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough but your uncle wouldn't allow it.**_

"Maybe it was because he murdered children with it and it was full of hatred." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This of course happens to be his father's lightsaber because it's a weapon so useful that you could easily win a fight with when somebody brings a gun to a lightsaber duel. And then Obi-Wan tells Luke about the Force.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Phantom Menace**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Qui-Gon Jinn (Played by Liam Neeson): Midi-chlorians are a microscopic life-form that resides….**_

"No! We do not need to hear that crap from Liam Neeson. Let Alec Guiness tell us about the Force." Sean said.

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together.**_

"Thank you." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough of all this backstory though, it's time for the holographic message from Leia. It turns out that she's placed some important information that's vital to the survival of the rebellion into R2-D2's memory and requests and requests that Obi-Wan delivers it to Alderaan so her father can recover the data so they can stop the Empire. Obi-Wan requests that Luke goes to Alderaan with him but Luke refuses to help out because he's got work to do at home. Anyway, let's check with the Imperials as we see their super secret deadly weapon the Death Star and we see them having a meeting about the battle station being fully operational and the Rebel Alliance being more dangerous and we're also introduced to Grand Moff Tarkin, played by the late Peter Cushing. Tarkin is in overall command of the station, thanks to the Emperor, who though mentioned won't appear until the next film.**

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin (Played by the late Peter Cushing): The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local system in line, fear of this battle station.**_

 _ **General Taggi (Played by the late Don Henderson) And what of the rebellion? If the rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station it is possible, however unlikely that they might find a weakness and exploit it.**_

"Yeah. A weakness that they might find to destroy the battle station. Thanks to a certain someone who I won't mention until _Rogue One: A Star Wars Story_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) One of the other Imperial officers, Admiral Motti played by the late Richard LeParmentier, suggests that they use this battle station to destroy the rebels because it is now the ultimate power in the universe. But Vader says that the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. Then Motti, being a dumbass that he is, thought it would be a great idea to bad-mouth the Force.**

 _ **Admiral Motti (Played by the late Richard LeParmentier): Don't frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes…**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Tru TV's World's Dumbest Partiers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Michael Loftus: (as Lawyer) Shh. As your lawyer, shut the (bleep) up.**_

 _ **Admiral Motti: …or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortre…**_

 **(Darth Vader force chokes Motti)**

 **(A sound clip from the 1980 radio drama** _ **Star Wars**_ **is played)**

 _ **Darth Vader (Voiced by the late Brock Peters): Are you having trouble breathing, Motti? I s your throat constricted, as though some force were at work?**_

"Don't choke on you aspirations, Admiral." Sean said, imitating Darth Vader.

 _ **Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.**_

 **(Vader continues to choke Motti with his force powers)**

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin: Enough of this. Vader, release him.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: As you wish.**_

 **(Vader releases Motti as the Admiral catches his breath)**

"I bet you Admiral Motti is probably thinking right now, "I gotta get that transfer to 1947 California."." Sean said referencing the movie _Who Framed Roger Rabbit?_ , a movie which actor Richard LeParmentier appeared in.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Tatooine, Luke and Obi-Wan stumble across a group of dead Jawas who sold Luke C-3PO and R2-D2. This must be the work of Sand People, but it's not Sand People. This is the work of something else.**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: And these blast points, too accurate for Sand People. Only imperial stormtroopers are so precise.**_

"How would you know that they're imperial stormtroopers? You know that their aim is shitty, right." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke learns why imperial troops want to slaughter Jawas because they're looking for C-3PO and R2-D2. And if they can trace the droids here and they may have learned that they sold to someone, which would lead them back to home. In that case, Luke rushes home only to find Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru….**

 **(We see the charred bodies of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru)**

"Well, this got dark." Brian said.

"Not only that they killed Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen. They killed John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra." Sean said before cutting to the charred remains of John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra. "Now we're going to be stuck with Randy Edelman composing the music for the movie."

 **(We see Adam, playing music composer Randy Edelman composing the music for the movie with music from the movie** _ **Gettysburg**_ **playing)**

"Excuse me one second." Sean said as he gets up from off of his seat.

 **(We cut back to Adam, who's still playing Randy Edelman, composing the music to Star Wars as Sean pops in with a green lightsaber and kills him with it)**

"I don't care if your music score to _Gettysburg_ is awesome but you're not going to be composing music to _Star Wars_!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With nothing for him left on Tatooine, Luke wants to go to Alderaan with Obi-Wan and learn the ways of the Force to become a Jedi like his father. And to go to Alderaan, they need to find a pilot who would take them there. And where to find a pilot?**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.**_

"I don't know, man. It look a little rough." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So they head down to Mos Eisley spaceport, which is not ruined with CGI effects because again, we're watching the theatrical cut, they come across a pair of stormtroopers who stop them and Obi-Wan uses the Force to trick the mind to fool them. A Jedi mind trick. They enter a cantina to look for a pilot and have themselves a little drink.**

 **Ponda Baba: (Shoves Luke) (Translation: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I was wondering what is that you're drinking because it looks good.**

 _ **Dr. Evazan (Played by the late Alfie Curtis): He doesn't like you.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Dr. Evazan: I don't like you, either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on 12 systems.**_

"Why the hell would you mention that in a cantina filled with people who could hear you? That's not a smart thing to do, Mr. Pig Man." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan steps in to dissolve the situation but Pig Man and Ass Mouth Alien decide to cause some trouble when this happens.**

 **(Evazan and Baba drew their blaster pistols as Kenobi drew his lightsaber and ignites it. He slashes Evazan in his chest and severs Baba's right arm)**

"Now, that's how you disarm someone." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After going along with their business and seeing the patrons minding their own business after seeing somebody's arm getting cut off, Luke and Obi-Wan eventually find a pilot, a smuggler named Han Solo played by Harrison Ford and his Wookie co-pilot Chewbacca played by the late Peter Mayhew. Aside from Han being a smuggler, he's also the captain of a modifies YT-1300 Corellian light freighter known as the Millennium Falcon.**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yes, indeed, if it's a fast ship.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Should I have?**_

"Yeah, it's the ship that made the Kessel run in 14 parsecs." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Twelve! (Mumbles in irritation) Fourteen.**_

"Whatever." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han wants 10,000 all in advance but Obi-Wan wants to pay him 2,000 plus 15 when they reach Alderaan. In which, Han agrees. Before they get ready to leave, Han runs into trouble when a Rodian bounty hunter named Greedo played by Paul Blake, holds Han up at blaster point. Turns out that Han owes a certain Hutt a substantial amount of money and Greedo ain't leaving until he gets his money… or die tryin'.**

 _ **Greedo (Played by Paul Blake): (Speaking in Huttese) I've been looking forward to this for a long time.**_

 _ **Han Solo: I'll bet you have.**_

 **(Han shoots and kills Greedo)**

"And that's the reason why you should have the original theatrical version. So you won't have to deal with that "Who Shot First?"-bullshit." Sean said.

"Besides, it's hard to tell who shot first. Their blasters sound the same to a blind dude like me." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after the scene George Lucas doesn't want you to see before changing it to Greedo Shot First, our heroes meet up at the Millennium Falcon so Luke can take time to call it a piece of junk. Hey, she's got the best stats ever than any other ship. And it's a good thing too because the stormtroopers are on their tail, requiring them to take off immediately and jump into lightspeed. While all that's going on, the Empire entered the Alderaan system as Governor Tarkin interrogates Princess Leia for the location of the rebel base and to squeeze out that little information, he threatens to destroy Alderaan.**

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly- -**_

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system.**_

"Whew. Just be glad that Peter Cushing didn't flub that line up." Sean said.

 **(A blooper from** _ **A New Hope**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Carrie Fisher: (as Princess Leia Organa) No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly- -**_

 _ **Peter Cushing: (as Grand Moff Tarkin) You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the… blah! (Messes up his line as Carrie smiles and laughs) Name it, now! Before I go home.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, she tells him where the location is at.**

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.**_

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin: There. You see, Lord Vader? She can be reasonable. (To Admiral Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.**_

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: What?**_

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin: You're far too trusting.**_

"Uh, Governor Tarkin, sir. Couldn't you at least leave Alderaan in one peace for now at least for you to be able to threaten her with it later if turns out she's lying to you. Think of the millions of people living on the planet." Sean said.

 **(The Death Star fires on Alderaan, destroying it)**

"Or just blow it up and show the movie's impressive special effects." Sean said.

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: I felt a great disturbance in the Force as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.**_

"I feel a great disturbance in the Force. It's either that or the chili cheese fries from Gold Star Chili that I ate." Sean said, imitating Obi-Wan Kenobi.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Luke is doing some Jedi training by blocking blasts from a training remote, which he's not good at doing. Thus, Obi-Wan figures that doing that with the blast shield on his helmet down would do the trick and voila he blocks the shots. Thank you, Force. Meanwhile with the Imperials, Governor Tarkin learns that the rebel base on Dantooine has been deserted for some time.**

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin: She lied. She lied to us!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Friends**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ross Gellar (Played by David Schwimmer): That bitch.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with our heroes, Han takes a trip out of hyperspace, and what do you know they can't seem to find Alderaan but find themselves in a meteor shower, then they come across a Tie Fighter and to find out where it came from, they follow it to it's location.**

 **(Luke sees the Tie Fighter heading for a moon)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Look at him. He's heading for that small moon.**_

 _ **Han Solo: I think I can get him before he gets there. He's almost in range.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Sees that the moon is something else) That's no moon.**_

"That's yo' mama! Ohhhhhhhh!" Sean yelled out and points at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han realizes that it's a space station and tries to turn the ship around but ends up getting caught by the Death Star's tractor beam. Better cue the epic music score, Mr. Williams.**

 **(The scene plays as we see the Millennium Falcon entering the Death Star)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the ship entering the Death Star, the Imperials figure that they're trying to return the stolen plans, but they couldn't find anything.**

 _ **Imperial Officer: (After checking the Millennium Falcon) There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Did you find any droids?**_

 _ **Imperial Officer: No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Send a scanning crew aboard. I want every part of this ship checked.**_

 _ **Imperial Officer: Yes, sir.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I sense something, a presence I've not felt since- -**_

"Since the time I was on that lava planet where I had my legs and arm cut off, burned alive and left for dead. Does anyone smell bacon?" Sean asked, imitating Darth Vader.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As it turns out they didn't just jump out of the ship and die, instead they hid underneath the floorboards in a smuggling compartment. Then they wait for scanning team to come up and ambush them and beat the shit out of two stormtroopers who were standing outside of the ship and steal their uniforms.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Spaceballs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Prison Guard 1 (Played by Tony Griffin): Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!**_

 _ **Prison Guard 2 (Played by the late Rick Ducommun): And beat the shit out of us, too!**_

"Huh? Never thought that I would be using that _Spaceballs_ clip for this review." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After taking out two of the Imperial officer, our heroes have to figure out how to shut down the tractor beam in order to escape from the Death Star. Luckily for R2, he loads up the schematics for the Death Star and finds a handy dandy on/off switch for the tractor beam. But hey, Obi-Wan's got read-ahead of the script powers and figured that he'll be the one to shut down the tractor beam.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I want to go with you.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Be patient, Luke. Stay and watch over the droids. They must be delivered safely, or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Alderaan. Your destiny lies along a different path from mine.**_

"Besides, you got five more of these films and _Batman: The Animated Series_ coming your way. So yeah, you have a good path." Sean said, imitating Obi-Wan.

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Force will be with you always.**_

"And another reason why I love this movie." Sean said, referring to the classic and memorable line.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Luke, Han and the others left alone in the control room, R2 stumbles across some more information that Princess Leia is being held captive on this very space station and she's scheduled for termination but Han says screw this, this is not my problem but Luke mention this that will change his mind.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (About Princess Leia) She's rich.**_

 **(Chewbacca growls)**

 _ **Han Solo: Rich?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Mm-hmm. Rich, powerful. Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be-**_

 _ **Han Solo: What?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Well, more well than you can imagine.**_

 **(We pause on Han Solo as a clip from the** _ **Merrie Melodies**_ **short** _ **Ali Baba Bunny**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Daffy Duck (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): I'm rich! I'm wealthy! Yahoo!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now they need a plan to rescue Leia. Hey, those suits might come in handy. And you have a Wookie that can pose as a prisoner to transfer him to one of the cells near the princess in the detention center.**

 _ **Lt. Shann Childsen (Played by the late Malcolm Tierney): Where are you taking this… thing?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Prisoner transfer from Cell Block 1138.**_

 _ **Lt. Shann Childsen: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it.**_

"Shit! They're on to you. They're on to you. Time to go to Plan B: shoot everything in fucking sight!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And they do by shooting the guards and the walls and the communications equipment too.**

 **(Han shoots the communications equipment)**

 _ **Han Solo: Boring conversation anyway. Luke! We're gonna have company!**_

"Wish I could do that to some of my friends when they start having a boring conversation with me." Sean said, sighing a bit.

 **(Luke finds Leia in the cell)**

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Huh?**_

"Way to insult a stormtrooper by the size of his…" Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Bronson**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): Shut your fucking mouth!  
**_

"Sorry." Sean apologizes.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (After taking off his helmet) I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you.**_

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: You're who?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with Ben Kenobi.**_

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: Ben Kenobi?! Where is he?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Come on!**_

"Luke, buddy. I know that you knew who Obi-Wan is. How the hell would Leia know who Obi-Wan is?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then a big shoot-out occurs and so much for their big escape plan because the stormtroopers are in their way.**

 **(Leia grabs the blaster from out of Luke's hand and shoots a hole in the wall)**

 _ **Han Solo: What the hell are you doing?**_

"Language, Han! This is a PG movie. Well, I did hear Obi-Wan say the word "Damn" earlier in the film and Uncle Owen saying "hell to pay". Only three curse words. We're good." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So they escape by diving into the garbage chute and Han becomes a dumbass by doing this.**

 **(Fires his blaster as the blast ricochets around the garbage chute)**

"Luke points out he's tried that already and Leia and Han get into a little catfight." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the garbage compactor is the home of the dreaded tentacled monster known as the dianoga. Which will be my biggest fear when I played the sewer level of** _ **Shadows of the**_ **Empire on the N64. The trash creature grabs Luke and drags him underwater. Then, the creature lets him go only for this to happen.**

 **(A clip from** _ **All That**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Kate Godfrey: Hey, everybody. Ooh, a button!**_

 **(Kate run towards the big red button)**

 _ **Lex, Nathan, Reece and Chinguun: (Scream) NOOOOO!**_

 **(Kate presses the button as donuts fall on them)**

 _ **Reece Caddell: (Grabs a donut) Donuts.**_

 _ **Chinguun Sergelen: I was right. It was a donut button.**_

 _ **Nathan Janak: I want one of these in the dressing room.**_

 _ **Kate Godfrey: I wonder if it did anything else.**_

 **(Lex, Nathan, Kate, Reece and Chinguun look on and wonder if the button did anything else)**

 **(We cut back to the film and we see the walls of the trash compactor starting to move)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: The walls are moving!**_

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: Don't just stand there! Try and brace it with something.**_

 **(We cut back to the** _ **All That**_ **clip)**

 _ **Lex Lumpkin: Well, I guess not.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) With our heroes about to be crushed to death, Luke tries to contact C-3PO to see if they could stop the trash compactor, but they're a little occupied with stormtroopers.**

 **(The stormtroopers enter the control room. As they enter, one of the stormtroopers hit their head on the door)**

 _ **Stormtrooper: Take over. See to him.**_

"Wow, aside from having the worst aim ever, it just goes to show that stormtroopers tend to be so inept when they hit their head on stuff." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough of that blatant stupidity that we saw with the stormtrooper, Luke manages to contact C-3PO to shut down all the garbage mashers in the detention level. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan successfully turns off the tractor. And then we get more banter from Han and Leia.**

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: Listen, I don't know who you are or where you came from but from now on, you do as I tell you, O.K.?**_

 _ **Han Solo: Look, Your Worshipfulness let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person- -me.**_

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: It's a wonder you're still alive. Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?**_

"Man, she doesn't take shit from anybody. I like her." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes are not out of the woods yet, on their way to the hangar, they run into more stormtroopers with their horrible aim and their terrifying abilities.**

 **(Luke shoots one of the stormtroopers. The stormtrooper gets hit and falls. The Wilhelm scream is heard when the stormtrooper falls)**

"We got a Wilhelm scream. Add it to the counter." Sean said.

 **Wilhelm Scream Counter #4**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Luke and Leia escape from the stormtroopers, Obi-Wan finds himself alone with Darth Vader, with some great lightsaber animation from David DePatie and the late Friz Freling, and they have their duel with some fantastic lines.**

 _ **Darth Vader: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Only a master of evil, Darth.**_

 **(The two have their lightsaber duel)**

"Both give it their all, despite their issues. One guy is almost 60 and the other's trapped in a mechanical suit." Sean said.

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.**_

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This lightsaber duel gives enough time to distract the stormtroopers, allowing our heroes a chance to escape. Until Luke notices Obi-Wan and Vader's duel and when Obi-Wan sees Luke, he takes his cue to just kick the bucket.**

 **(Darth Vader kills Obi-Wan)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: No!**_

"Or just poof out of the whole movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Obi-Wan sacrifices his life to become one with the Force, it's time to get the hell out of here. At least he's telling Luke to run before the stormtroopers blast him. As they escape from the Death Star, they are pursued by a squadron of Tie Fighters, in which Han and Luke use the Millennium Falcon's turrets to take on the squadron and they take them out….**

"Perhaps, a little too easy." Sean said.

 _ **Grand Moff Tarkin: You're sure the homing beacon is secure aboard their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Vader. This have better work.**_

"Turns out they placed a homing beacon aboard their ship. How did they do that? I mean, they had the Death Star plans that they were trying to get from them all throughout the movie but letting them go and letting them know how to kill us. I'm sure nothing bad will happen to you, morons." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, even Princess Leia agrees that the Imperials letting them go was a little too easy and that they're tracking them but Han shrugs it off. They arrive safely at the hidden base on Yavin 4 and hey you got a planet destroying weapon on your tail. Well, at least the rebels got the plans on how to destroy the Death Star as General Dodonna, played by the late Alex McCrindle, tells them how to do it.**

 _ **General Dodonna (Played by the late Alex McCrindle): A precise hit will start a chain reaction, which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction.**_

"An external exhaust port for the reactors that's only two meters wide? Okay, who's the idiot that put the hole there that leads to the most vulnerable part of the station? That feels like boss battles in a video game. You know what I'm talking about. You fight a boss in a video game and you wonder, "Hmm, where's the weak spot?", and then you find it and attack the boss' weak spot." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time to prepare for the big battle with the Imperials as Luke joins the Rebel fighter squadron in the Death Star assault, as for Han, well he's not joining them because he's collecting his payment and getting ready to leave.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Come on. Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them.**_

 _ **Han Solo: What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like… suicide.**_

"Hey, it's not as dangerous as parenting. OHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean shouted and points at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's say goodbye to Han… for now. As Luke reunites with his buddy Biggs, played by Garrick Hagon, and now it's time for the big climax of the film. But before the battle starts, time for all wings to report in.**

 _ **Red 10 (Played by Robert O'Mahoney): Red 10 standing by.**_

 _ **Red Seven: Red Seven standing by.**_

 _ **Red Three (Biggs) (Played by Garrick Hagon): Red Three standing by.**_

 _ **Red Six (Porkins) (Played by the late William Hootkins): Red Six standing by.**_

 _ **Red Nine: Red Nine standing by.**_

 _ **Red Two (Wedge) (Played by Denis Lawson, credited as Dennis Lawson): Red Two standing by.**_

 _ **Red 11: Red 11 standing by.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Red Five standing by.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy: Blue Harvest**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Red Buttons: Red Buttons standing by.**_

 _ **Red Foxx (Voiced by Phil LaMarr): Red Foxx standing by.**_

 _ **Big Red Gum: Big Red standing by.**_

 **(Camera zooms out to show a Russian submarine floating with the squad of X-Wings)**

 _ **Red October (Voiced by John Viener): (in Sean Connery's voice): Red October standing by.**_

 _ **Helen Reddy (Voiced by Helen Reddy): Helen Reddy standing by.**_

 _ **Simply Red (Voiced by Mick Hucknall): (Entire band is in one X-Wing cockpit) Simply Red standing by.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, the climax is one big orgy filled with action and special effects. And for a movie made in 1977, it has some pretty damn good special effects and granted the only good thing with the special edition version of the film, the visual effects on the Death Star assault scene is pretty good. Well, the task for the assault is simple, have a small group of ships slip through their defenses and reach the exhaust port and destroy it. Seems like a pretty easy task to follow, unless you got a squadron of Ties getting ready to kill you. Boy, the Death Star isn't fucking around.**

 **(Darth Vader shoots at one of the Y-Wings)**

"Especially when you have Darth Vader killing every single one of the one by one. He's definitely not fucking around." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's hope that Red Leader, played by Drewe Henley, makes the shot.**

 _ **Red Leader (Played by the late Drewe Henley, credited as Drewe Hemley): Almost there.**_

 **(Red Leader fires his proton torpedoes)**

 _ **Red Leader: It's away!**_

 **(The proton torpedoes hit the battle station)**

"And you have terrible aim. Maverick from _Top Gun_ would be disappointed with you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Vader eliminates Red Leader, it's time for Luke, Biggs and Wedge to start their attack run through the trench. But Vader attacks them. He damages Wedge's X-Wing, with Wedge getting out of the game but Biggs doesn't make it. And now, Luke is all alone… with Vader on his tail. While getting ready to shove a torpedo down the Death Star's ass, Luke starts hearing voices in his head.**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Voice) Use the force, Luke. Let go, Luke.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: The Force is strong with this one.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, trust me.**_

 **(Luke switches off his targeting computer)**

"Yep. His GPS has the voice of Obi-Wan installed. Or it's just his conscience telling him to use the Force." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke better hurry up and make this shot because he got Darth Vader gunning for him.**

 **(Vader targets Luke and fires at him. He manages to hit R2 in the process)**

"Agghhh! Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2-Pac?!" Sean exclaimed as he imitates Cleveland from the _Family Guy Star Wars_ parody.

 _ **Darth Vader: (Has Luke on his sights) I have you now.**_

 **(He gets ready to fire and all of a sudden one of the Tie Fighters get shot and destroyed in the process)**

 _ **Darth Vader: What?!**_

Sean laughs at how Darth Vader says the word "What".

"Okay, is it just me or does Darth Vader sound funny saying the word "What"?" Sean asked.

 _ **Darth Vader: What?!**_

"What?!" Sean imitates Darth Vader.

 _ **Darth Vader: What?!**_

"What?!" Sean imitates Darth Vader once more.

 _ **Darth Vader: What?!**_

"Fire up that loud, another round of shots!" Sean imitates the singer Lil Jon as the song _Turn Down for What_ starts playing. "Turn Down for…"

 **(Darth Vader pops out from the left)**

 _ **Darth Vader: What?!**_

As the song plays, Sean starts dancing like the guy from the music video.

 _ **Lil Jon: Turn down for…**_

 _ **Darth Vader: What?!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han comes back and saves Luke's skin and see the other Tie Fighter pilot being an idiot and crash into Vader's fighter, sending him drifting through space. And now, the moment of truth.**

 _ **Han Solo: You're all clear, kid. Now, let's blow this thing and go home.**_

 **(Luke fires a torpedo at the exhaust port. The torpedo goes in as the music intensifies while we cut back to Sean, who watches in anticipation. A few minutes later, the Death Star explodes as it prepares to fire on the base)**

Sean stays silent for a bit before saying another word. "WHOOO!"

 **(We cut back to the Death Star exploding with the words "BEST EXPLOSION EVAH!" pop up on screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) BEST EXPLOSION EVAH! WHOOO!**

"Okay, I'll go back and talk about the entire scene but oh my freaking god!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(The scene plays back again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's one of the best scenes ever. I can imagine the people who saw this movie back in 1977 cheering and jumping out of their seats when Luke blew up the Death Star. This is one of the most ultimate scenes ever in movie history.**

We cut back to Sean, who sighs in relief after smoking a cigarette. "Okay, let's finish up this review."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! The rebels win their battle, the Death Star is blown to smithereens and Darth Vader drifting off into space. Just wait until Emperor Palpatine chews him out for the destruction of the Death Star.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Robot Chicken**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): Fuck! Oh! (Slams his fists on his desk) Fuck, fuck, fuck…!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes are being awarded for their heroism and I love the music in this scene, John Williams really hit it out of the park. He deserves a gold star. And this is just the beginning of one of the greatest film sagas ever.**

 **(The film ends with the words "Written and Directed by GEORGE LUCAS" on the screen)**

"And that was _Star Wars_ and after 42 years, this movie still holds up." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown once more while the** _ **Throne Room**_ **theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's still regarded as one of the best movies ever. It's a great movie of course and I have nothing bad to say about it. But I do have some nitpicks about it, it's not that perfect with some of it's questionable plot points and rough editing and some of it's effects. They're good but it's a good thing that the effects were modified in the special edition. This movie was the start of a huge franchise and it's very entertaining to watch. As a kid, I collected some of the action figures and I still do. It's a film that you and your kids should watch with it's storytelling, great acting, epic music and amazing special effects. If you're new to** _ **Star Wars**_ **, start off with the original trilogy first before watching the prequels. Star Wars gets 5 idiotic stormtroopers out of 5.**

"Yes, there was room for improvement for the film, it's just the fact that George Lucas decided to mess with the film with it's CGI, messing with the Han shooting Greedo scene, putting Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett in the movie and a few other things. But the good thing about it was the film being digitally remastered for better picture and sound. Like I said, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And check out Harmy's _Star Wars Despecialized Edition_ on YouTube, they are awesome. And Disney better release the original theatrical versions when _The Rise of Skywalker_ is released in theaters. If not, then I'm coming after Disney. I'm still pissed at them for not having Mushu and the cricket in the live-action _Mulan_ movie. And not having _Be Prepared_ in the live-action _Lion King_ movie. Sons of bitches. Anyway, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic and may the force be with you." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **The Force will be with you always.**_

 **And that is all for the** _ **Mayhem Critic**_ **'s review of Star Wars, the despecialized version. And I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. Which one did you like, the special edition versions of the original trilogy or the original theatrical version of the original trilogy? To me, personally I like the original theatrical version. Don't worry, I will talk about the special edition changes in Empire and Jedi. Next time, Sean continues** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **, which is considered to be one of the best sequels ever. I'm trying to think how I'm going to make fun of this movie even though I love it. Don't forget to review this story, add it to you favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	66. TSOSW Part IV: TESB

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic.**_ **When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic continued** _ **The Summer of Star**_ **Wars by reviewing the film that started the famous film franchise,** _ **Star Wars**_ **. Today,** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **continues when Sean reviews the next chapter in the original trilogy** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **and see how well it holds up. Now, sit back and enjoy as Sean the Mayhem Critic continues** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belongs to their respective sources.** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part IV: The Empire Strikes Back**

In Sean's office, we see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting behind his desk watching the intro to _Andi Mack_ while doing a retrospective for the show. "Ah, _Andi Mack._ How I'm going to miss you. Wish you could've gotten a fourth season. Gives me some fanfic ideas for Jonah and Andi. I wonder if anyone wrote an Andi/Amber/Jonah threesome one-shot. If not, then I'm going to be the first one to do…"

Sean then looks at his watch and realizes what time it is.

"Oh, shit! No time for opening skits now. I've got a review to do before this month ends." Sean said as he gets up from out of his desk chair and runs downstairs. After making his way downstairs, the young critic enters the living room and sits down on his couch before starting his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic…"

Right when Sean starts his introduction, his phone starts ringing. He sighs a bit and answers his phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, Sean." The Porn Critic said.

"Oh, hi Porn Critic. What's happening?" Sean asked.

"Sean, I was wondering if you would like to do a crossover review." The Porn Critic said.

"A crossover review. On what?" Sean asked.

"Axel Braun's _Girlfest 2_." The Porn Critic said.

"Gee, Porn Critic. I would love to review some hot girl-on-girl porn with you, but I've got a review to do. And I've been wanting to do this review for a long time." Sean said.

"But…" The Porn Critic said.

"Bye." Sean said, ending the call before continuing his intro. "Now, as I was saying. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today…"

We cut to another movie critic, this time it's Chris Stuckmann.

"Sean." Chris Stuckmann said.

Sean screams. "Chris Stuckmann? What do you want?"

"Sean, I was wondering if you could do a crossover review with me. Here's the movie I want us to review, Disney's _Descendants_ in honor of Cameron Boyce." Chris Stuckmann said.

"Chris, I want to do a crossover review with you but I'm a little occupied with something. So, maybe another time." Sean said as he picks up the remote to turn off Chris Stuckmann on the other line. "Okay, I will not let anything distract me. Today, we're continuing _The Summer of Star Wars_ with the second film in the original _Star Wars_ trilogy _The Empire Strikes Back_ …"

 **(TV static transitions to: Linkara)**

"Sean!" Linkara exclaimed.

"Aaah! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.

"I was wondering if you would like to do a crossover review on the topic of the _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_ comic?" Linkara asked.

"No time! _Empire Strikes Back_ review!" Sean exclaimed as he changes the channel.

"Oh, you son of a…" Linkara said.

 **(TV static transitions to: The Unusual Suspect)**

"Hi, Sean." The Unusual Suspect greets the young critic.

"Aaah! Who the hell are you?!" Sean asked.

"I'm The Unusual Suspect. Come on, you know who I am. We've talked several time." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Look, I can't talk right now…" Sean said.

"Wait, before you go any further, I was wondering if you were interested in doing a crossover reviewing…" The Unusual Suspect said before Sean cuts him off.

"No. No. Hell, no! No matter what, I'm reviewing _The Empire Strikes Back_ today!" Sean yelled out.

"But I wanna review…" The Unusual Suspect said.

"NO!" Sean yelled as he turns off the television, then sighs in relief. "Anyway, with all that taken care of, let's get into the basic information of _The Empire Strikes Back_."

 **(The title of the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie while the** _ **Imperial March**_ **plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **, also known as** _ **Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back**_ **was released in theaters on May 21, 1980. It is the second film in the original trilogy and it was released after that dreaded holiday special. Don't worry, I'll get to that one later. Empire is the sequel to** _ **Star Wars**_ **. George Lucas' epic space opera Star Wars changed the way we looked at movies and became a cultural phenomenon. A little information about the movie, Lucas financed** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **himself with $33 million from loans and the previous film's earnings. He was going against the principles of many Hollywood producers. And that rule is never to invest one's own money. Hey, Star Wars was his baby so he was fully in command of the franchise. He chose not to direct the movie because he was overseeing his special effects company Industrial Light and Magic. So, he offered the role of director to the late Irvin Kershner, who was one of his former professors at the USC School of Cinematic Arts. For those of you who are not familiar with Irvin Kershner, he was known for directing the movies** _ **Raid on Entebee,**_ _ **Eyes of Laura Mars**_ **, the James Bond movie** _ **Never Say Never Again**_ **and his final film that he directed was** _ **RoboCop 2**_ **. Originally, Kershner turned Lucas down because his belief that a sequel would never meet the quality or originality of Star Wars. Hey, Kershner's agent practically strangled him to take the job and he did. Now, for the screenplay, George Lucas hired science fiction author Leigh Brackett to write** _ **Star Wars II**_ **and the two of them held story conferences. Brackett finished her first draft in early 1978. George was disappointed with her first draft and before he could discuss it with her, she tragically died of cancer. So now, he has to find a new writer. Enter Lawrence Kasdan, who had just completed writing** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **. Kasdan was known for writing the screenplay for the John Belushi movie** _ **Continental Divide**_ **and he's known for directing the films** _ **Body Heat, Silverado, The Accidental Tourist**_ **and** _ **Wyatt Earp**_ **. The film took a darker and serious tone.**

"I know it's a lot to talk about more of the film's production and I'm wasting some time, let's jump right into _The Empire Strikes Back_ , the despecialized version. Don't worry, I will talk about some of the special edition changes as well." Sean said.

 **(We see the words "Before you watch Descendants 3..." on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before you watch** _ **Descendants 3**_ **, we get our traditional scrolling text telling us that things aren't looking too good for the Rebellion because the Imperials have driven them from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy. We also learn that a group of freedom fighters led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of Hoth and we learn that Darth Vader is obsessed with finding Luke. After that bit of information, we open with the Star Destroyer dispatching some probe droids down on Hoth. We find our hero Luke Skywalker, once again played by Mark Hamill is avoiding any memories of the holiday special and notices something landing down on the icy planet and Luke figures that it's just nothing.**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): What's up?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Well, I finished my circle. I don't pick up any life readings.**_

 _ **Han Solo: There isn't enough life on this ice cube to fill a space cruiser.**_

"It's just cold as shit outside. I'm starting to get blue balls." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke stays behind to check out that flaming space ball, but then…**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You smell something?**_

 **(A wampa appears and attacks Luke and his tonton)**

"You were saying about it being enough life on this ice cube, Han?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Luke is getting dragged to his doom, we cut to Han Solo played once again by Harrison Ford, returning to the rebel base where we see that the Millennium Falcon is being worked on for some reason. Maybe it was because you were being chased by Imperials so Chewie can make it home for Life Day. And Chewbacca, played by Peter Mayhew, is spending time fixing it up. As soon as it gets fixed up, Han intends to leave and he lets General Rieekan know about what's going on.**

 _ **Han Solo: General, I got to leave. I can't stay anymore.**_

 _ **General Rieekan (Played by the late Bruce Boa): I'm sorry to hear that.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Well, there's a price on my head if I don't pay off Jabba the Hutt, I'm a dead man.**_

 _ **General Rieekan: A death mark's not an easy thing to live with. You're a good fighter, Solo. I hate to lose you.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Thank you, General.**_

"Hmm, General Rieekan looks very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. Where have I seen him before?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Fawlty Towers**_ **episode** _ **Waldorf Salad**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mr. Harry Hamilton (Played by the late Bruce Boa): Could you make me a Waldorf salad?**_

 _ **Basil (Played by John Cleese): A… a Wa…**_

 _ **Mr. Harry Hamilton: Waldorf salad.**_

 _ **Basil: Well, I think we're just about out of Waldorfs.**_

 _ **Mr. Harry Hamilton: I don't believe this.**_

"Oh, that's Canadian actor Bruce Boa, also known as the "Waldorf Salad Guy" from _Fawlty Towers._ Did he finally get his Waldorf salad on Hoth?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not only that Han is leaving Hoth, he has to leave Princess Leia, played by Carrie Fisher respectively.**

 _ **Han Solo: Well, Your Highness. Guess this is it.**_

 _ **Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): That's right.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Don't get all mushy with me. So long, Princess.**_

 **(Han leaves)**

"Wow... that was awkward." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The two start to have a little catfight with each other so Han can get Leia to admit that she has the hots for him.**

 _ **Princess Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.**_

 _ **Han Solo: I can arrange that! (Walks away) You could use a good kiss!**_

We cut back to Sean, who was busy drinking a bottle of Mountain Dew and does a comedic spit take after hearing Han's line.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, all this unresolved sexual tension is going to have to wait between the two of them because Luke is still missing, so Han has to go out there on his tauntaun to save him. Where is Luke you might ask? Well, he's just hanging around the wampa's cave.**

 **(A comedic rimshot is heard)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, I'm going to mention this on the review. In the special edition version of the movie, it shows the wampa eating the tauntaun. Geez, George. Way to give kids nightmares. No wonder the movie has a dark tone. Anyway, with a conveniently place lightsaber just far enough away for him to use his Force powers to reach for it.**

 **(Luke uses his Force powers to grab his lightsaber and frees himself. The wampa tries to attack Luke, but Luke defends himself by cutting off the creature's arm and runs out of the cave)**

"Also in the special edition, it showed the wampa holding it's bloody stump. Pretty much not necessary for a PG-rated film for the whole family." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the special edition version of** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown, showing Luke cutting off the wampa's arm and a shot of the wampa holding it's bloody stump)**

"You know? For kids!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke runs out in the bitter cold and freezes to death. Then, he gets a vision from a familiar face.**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guinness): Luke.**_

 **(Luke sees Ben's ghost)**

"I bet ya Alec Guinness was probably thinking, "Why the fuck am I doing in this fairytale rubbish?". Or the look on his face saying, "Really? You saved yourself from certain death from a wampa and you ran out of the cave just so you can freeze your ass off?". And while I was doing some research for the film while working on the review, I read that they filmed the movie in Norway and while filming the movie there, they encountered the worst winter storm in fifty years and temperatures dropped to -20 degrees and 18 feet of snow fell. Hell, the crew were unable to exit their hotel and they had to film the scene involving Luke's exit of the wampa cave by opening the hotel doors and filming Mark Hamill running out into the snow." Sean said. "Man, can you imagine them doing something like this while in 95 degree temperature?"

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We cut to Sean who runs out of his house wearing a winter coat, a hat, gloves and a scarf in 95 degree temperature. He stops and we see him sweating)**

 **Sean: (Pants) Jesus! It's hot like a mother. Why am I doing this? It's too hot!**

 **(Sean walks back inside his house)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, time for some plot. Obi-Wan's ghost tells Luke to go to the Dagobah system to find a Jedi master named Yoda, who instructed Obi-Wan. After Obi-Wan's ghost tells Luke what the plot tells him to do, Han shows up and find his friend freezing to death. Then, his tauntaun dies shortly. So now Han has no choice to slice into the tauntaun in order to keep Luke warm and stay alive long enough for him to build a portable shelter.**

 _ **Han Solo: (After shoving Luke inside his dead tauntaun) Ugh. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, Luke is alright and is taken back to base, only to have some scars on his face, he got those scars from a motorcycle accident that occurred between filming Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Fans speculate because Mark Hamill's face looked different after the accident but his scars were healed anyway. Anyway, Luke is glad that Han saved his life. Then, Han and Leia bicker some more.**

 _ **Princess Leia: Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!**_

 _ **Han Solo: Who's scruffy looking?**_

"I'm tempted to sing Al Jarreau's _Moonlighting_ right now because of those two bickering with each other." Sean said.

 _ **Princess Leia: Well, I guess you don't know everything about women yet.**_

 **(Leia kisses Luke)**

"Don't worry, we'll talk more about that kiss later when I review _Return of the Jedi_." Sean said.

 _ **Singers: Incest in the morning.**_

 _ **Announcer: Suppressed memories.**_

 _ **Singers: 97.1.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the rebels have picked up something on their scanners, a strange disturbance outside their base. So Han and Chewie check it out and they find an Imperial probe droid and Han blows it the hell up. Leia figures it to be an Imperial probe droid and then we cut to…**

 **(We see an armada of Star Destroyers flying in space as the** _ **Imperial March**_ **plays)**

"Easily the track ever in the whole movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) John Williams gives us another amazing score and yes, the** _ **Imperial March**_ **is by far the best thing ever about this movie. Hell, it's a track you can play when Donald Trump is on television.**

 **(We cut to clips of Donald Trump while the Imperial March plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After introducing us to the most badass Imperial March and the Super Star Destroyer Executor, which is bigger than the other Star Destroyers. We see that Darth Vader is obsessed with finding Luke Skywalker. We're also introduced to a few Imperial officers: Captain Piett played by Kenneth Colley, General Veers played by Walter Donovan himself Julian Glover and Admiral Ozzel played by the late Michael Sheard.**

 _ **Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): You've found something?**_

 _ **Captain Piett (Played by Kenneth Colley) Yes, my lord.**_

 **(Piett shows Vader the rebel base on Hoth)**

 _ **Darth Vader: That's it. The rebels are there.**_

 _ **Admiral Ozzel (Played by the late Michael Sheard): My lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be smugglers- -**_

 _ **Darth Vader: That is the system. And I'm sure Skywalker is with them. Set your course for the Hoth system.**_

"Ozzel comes from this wealthy family thinks money can get him everything, even a rank in the Imperial Navy." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough about the Imperials, back on Hoth, we see that the rebels are preparing to evacuate while Han and Chewie fix up the Millennium Falcon and Han and Luke wish each other good luck. Oh, let's get back to the Imperials. I bet somebody has done something stupid like coming out of hyperspace too soon. I bet it was Admiral Ozzel.**

 _ **General Veers (Played by Julian Glover): ComScan has detected an energy field protecting an area of the sixth planet of the Hoth system. The field is strong enough to deflect any bombardment.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: The rebel are alerted to our presence. Admiral Ozzel came out of light speed to close to the system.**_

 _ **General Veers: He- -He felt surprise was wiser.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: He is as clumsy as he is stupid.**_

"Called it!" Sean yelled out. "I wonder what Vader is going to do. So, what's Ozzel's punishment for being an idiot?"

 _ **Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader. The fleet has moved out of light speed and we're preparing to… Aaugh!**_

 **(Vader force chokes Ozzel with his mind)**

 _ **Darth Vader: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Captain Piett.**_

 _ **Captain Piett: Yes, my lord?**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Make ready to land our troops beyond their energy field and deploy the fleet so that nothing gets off the system. You are in command now, Admiral Piett.**_

 **(Ozzel dies)**

 _ **Admiral Piett: Thank you, Lord Vader.**_

"Okay, that was awesome. Vader force choked him with his mind. And he has the only competent Imperial officer to be in command. Hell, Admiral Piett is better than the other Imperial officers. Admiral Piett, you are my number #1 guy." Sean said, imitating The Joker from _Batman_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As the Imperials get ready to move in on the rebel base, we see that the rebels have a plan for evacuation by firing the ion cannon at the Star Destroyer and knocking them out so they can leave in one piece. Also, is it just me or does the ion cannon look like a giant boob? Maybe it's just my perverted mind. We move onto one of the best highlights of the film, the impressive visual effects-filled extravaganza. The battle on the surface of Hoth with the Imperial AT-AT walkers that are shooting at them.** **Bad news, the Walkers have pretty tough armor, blasters do nothing.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: That armor's too strong for blasters.**_

"Don't worry. I have the perfect weapon." Sean said as pulls out a grenade launcher. "Let's see. How do I work this thing? Just point it at the target and pull the trigger."

Sean then sits the grenade launcher up on the table to charge it safely. Then all of a sudden, the weapon goes off and shatters the ceiling. An unharmed Sean comes out from underneath the table, covered in plaster and smoke.

"Whoa! Oh, my god!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(A sound clip from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **is heard)**

 _ **Fred the Fish: My leg!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the only thing to take these mechanical terrors out is by using tow cables to bring them down. Well, let's see if Luke's gunner Dak, played by John Morton, has any luck with firing his tow cable at the AT-AT walker.**

 **(Dak tries to fire the tow cable, but Luke's speeder gets hit by AT-AT laser fire, causing Dak's console to explode in his face, killing him)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Dak? Dak!**_

"Yeah, remember what Dak said a few scenes ago?" Sean asked.

 _ **Rebel Force Dak (Luke's Gunner) (Played by John Morton): Right now I feel I could take on the whole Empire myself.**_

"And Dak dies two minutes into taking on the Empire. Well, at least they made him a complete joke." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy: Something, Something, Something Dark Side**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dak: (After flying his speeder into space) Hey, Imperial fleet! Get ready to suck some Dak!**_

 **(A Star Destroyer fires at Dak's speeder and kills him)**

"And this represents Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott's poor production on the field." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, at least Wedge, once again played by Denis Lawson and his gunner Janson, played by the late Ian Liston, have better luck at bringing the mechanical titan down with their tow cables.**

 **(Wedge's speeder and Luke's speeder shoot at the downed AT-AT, causing it to explode)**

 _ **Rebel Force Wedge (Played by Denis Lawson, credited as Dennis Lawson): Hah! That got him!**_

"Wait, didn't they say that their armor was too tough for blasters?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Not to mention, some of them are idiots flying in front of them and Luke gets shot down and has his speeder crushed by the AT-AT, with Dak still inside. Also, with the rebels losing the battle but they're managing to evacuate. Unfortunately for Leia, she can't get out with the last transport, so she's going to leave the base with Han on the Millennium Falcon, along with Chewie and C-3PO for the ride. Well, if they can get it off of the ground.**

 **(Han turns the switches in the Millennium Falcon on, some of the lights cut off. He hits the ship, causing some of the lights to come on)**

 _ **Princess Leia: This bucket of bolts is never gonna get us past that blockade.**_

 _ **Han Solo: This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart.**_

"Well, let's hope that these surprises work because you have Darth Vader and Imperial stormtroopers entering the base." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After showing off the Millennium Falcon's many surprises by shooting at a bunch of stormtroopers and escaping Hoth, you have the last hope for restoring balance to the Force losing his goddamn mind.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'm just setting a new course.**_

 **(R2-D2 beeps)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: We're not gonna regroup with the others. We're going to the Dagobah system.**_

"It'll be fine, R2. We'll be safe and sound. We'll be fine. We'll be fine." Sean said, imitating Luke Skywalker.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Luke listens to the voices in his head telling him what to do, we check back in with the Millennium Falcon as we see them getting chased by three Star Destroyers and tons of Tie Fighters.**

 **(Han outmaneuvers the Star Destroyers)**

 _ **Imperial Officer: Take evasive action!**_

 **(They crash into another Star Destroyer)**

"Not bad, guys, but the fighters are still following you." Sean noted.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, don't worry. At least Han can jump into light speed to get away from them.**

 _ **Princess Leia: They're getting closer.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Oh, yeah? Watch this.**_

 **(Han tries to jump into light speed. The engine stalls)**

 _ **Princess Leia: Watch what?**_

"Your whole life flashing right before your very eyes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the empire sending Tie Fighters on their tail, they end up in an asteroid field, which is a big problem.**

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Never tell me the odds.**_

"Just strap yourself in and crank up the bass drums and horns because we're going in!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(We hear the** _ **Asteroid Field**_ **track playing during the scene)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And we have one of my favorite scenes ever, the asteroid field chase. Take a look at the visuals, the special effects and listen to that awesome score. It's amazing. Plus, we see how clumsy Tie Fighters are with their maneuverability. Man, the visual effects team at ILM and John Williams are on point with this scene. After that awesome moment, our heroes lose their pursuers and hide out in one of the larger asteroids. Back with Luke, he arrives in Dagobah and he has himself one hell of a crash landing when his X-Wing lands…**

 **(We see that Luke's X-Wing lands in a swamp)**

"The Swamp of Sadness from _The NeverEnding Story_?" Sean asked as a photo of the Swamp of Sadness and a photo of Dagobah are both shown side-by-side.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's hope that this movie doesn't involves any suicidal droids like** _ **The NeverEnding Story**_ **has suicidal horses.**

 **(R2 beeps as he falls into the water)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: R2? R2!**_

"Oh, well he's dead. Guess he's joined with Atreyu's horse Artax." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, R2 is alright. Then, he gets taken by a swamp creature and spat out. And basically, the whole movie goes like this and I hate to nitpick on a movie that I really like. The movie constantly jumps back and forth between two very distinct plot arcs and it becomes a pain in the ass. Speaking of jumping to distinct plot arcs, let's check in on Darth Vader when Admiral Piett walks in on him and see him without his helmet on.**

 **(Admiral Piett sees Darth Vader without his helmet on)**

"This is the movie letting us know that the hulking terror is not a machine, but human." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, it's a good thing that Admiral Piett didn't see his face because Vader would've force choked his ass like Admiral Ozzel.**

 _ **Admiral Piett: Our ships have sighted the Millennium Falcon, lord, but it has entered an asteroid field, and we cannot risk- -**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses.**_

 _ **Admiral Piett: Yes, lord.**_

"Also, we see that Vader doesn't give two fucks about asteroids. You know that he doesn't fuck around." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We check back in on the Millennium Falcon when Han become Gropey McSolohands on Princess Leia. Then, we check back on Luke, who's adjusting to life alone on a desolate swamp. There's no civilization, no way to get his ship out, now he's going to be a dead son of a bitch.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (To R2) I don't know. I feel like...**_

 _ **Yoda (Performed by Frank Oz): Feel like what?**_

 **(Luke pulls out his blaster and points it at Yoda)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Like we're being watched.**_

 _ **Yoda: Away with your weapon. I mean you no harm.**_

"And we see that this planet is inhabited by the annoying little green muppet that oddly sounds like Miss Piggy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, let's see if this little annoying muppet, who's played by Frank Oz, be useful to Luke.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'm looking for a Jedi master.**_

 _ **Yoda: Oh. Jedi master Yoda. You seek Yoda.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You know him?**_

"This green dude does know him, and Luke leaves R2 in charge of their camp." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before he takes Luke to see Yoda, they must eat first. Some good food. Back with Han, we see that they're trying to fix the hyper drive on the Millennium Falcon, then him and Leia have a little private time by releasing some of that sexual tension.**

 _ **Han Solo: (Holds Leia's hand) Scoundrel? Scoundrel? I like the sound of that.**_

 **(Sexy porn music starts playing in the background)**

 _ **Princess Leia: Stop that.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Stop what?**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Stop that. My hands are dirty.**_

 _ **Han Solo: My hands are dirty, too. What are you afraid of?**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Afraid?**_

 _ **Han Solo: You're trembling.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: I'm not trembling.**_

 _ **Han Solo: You like me because I'm a scoundrel. There aren't enough scoundrels in your life.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.**_

 _ **Han Solo: (Leans his head closer towards Leia's face) I'm a nice man.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: No, you're not. You're- -**_

 **(Han kisses Leia)**

"That's right, baby. This scoundrel turns you on and he's going to kiss you long and hard. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a sensual and deep voice.

 _ **C-3PO: Sir, sir!**_

 **(The record scratches as Han and Leia stop kissing right when C-3PO enters)**

 _ **C-3PO: I've isolated the power flux coupling.**_

"Only for him to be cockblocked by an annoying metallic golden dildo." Sean said, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

 **(A clip from the David Spates video** _ **Cockblocking #1**_ **is shown)**

 _ **John: (After being cockblocked by David) I got something for your ass. I got something for you, Dave.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with the Empire, we see that they're in hot pursuit for our heroes and Admiral Piett let's Vader know that the emperor is on line 1 waiting for his call.**

"Alright, I'm just gonna go ahead and show you the theatrical version and the special edition version of this scene. First up, the theatrical version. In the theatrical version, the Emperor is played by the late Marjorie Eaton and he is voiced by Clive Revill, who's known for voicing Alfred in three episodes of _Batman: The Animated Series_ before Efrem Zimbalist Jr. took over the role. This was before Ian McDiarmid took over as Sheeve "The Senate" Palpatine. So, let's take a look at the despecialized version first."

 _ **Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master.**_

 _ **Emperor (Played by the late Marjorie Eaton and voiced by Clive Revill): There is a great disturbance in the Force.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I have felt it.**_

 _ **Emperor: We have a new enemy Luke Skywalker.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Yes, my master.**_

 _ **Emperor: He could destroy us.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him.**_

 _ **Emperor: The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: If he could be turned he would become a powerful ally.**_

 _ **Emperor: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?**_

 _ **Darth Vader: He will join us or die, master.**_

"Alright, now let me show you the 2011 Blu-Ray with Ian McDiarmid as Emperor Palpatine. Also, just to let you know that some of the dialogue is different than the theatrical version." Sean said.

"I prefer the Blu-Ray version myself." Brian said.

 **(The 2011 Blu-Ray version with Ian McDiarmid as Emperor Palpatine is shown)**

 _ **Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master.**_

 _ **Emperor (Played Ian McDiarmid): There is a great disturbance in the Force.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I have felt it.**_

 _ **Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young rebel who destroyed the Death Star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: How is that possible?**_

 _ **Emperor: Search your feelings, Lord Vader. You will know it to be true. He could destroy us.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: He's just a boy. Obi-Wan can no longer help him.**_

 _ **Emperor: The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: If he could be turned he would become a powerful ally.**_

 _ **Emperor: Yes. Yes. He would be a great asset. Can it be done?**_

 _ **Darth Vader: He will join us or die, master.**_

"Yeah, this change for continuity makes sense but I have a little complaint about the change. Do they have to use the bloated fat makeup from _Revenge of the Sith_ in the special edition versions? It's pretty obvious that George just filmed this in front of a green screen and have Ian McDiarmid recite the line during filming for _Revenge of the Sith_. Also, shouldn't the emperor look more like the emperor from _Return of the Jedi_? There is a revised edit that does that and trust me, it's the better version. And third, they could've cloaked the emperor more better like cover his eyes and keep him shrouded in mystery like on _The Phantom Menace_ until he's fully revealed in _Return of the Jedi_. Plus, the dialogue makes less sense in the special edition edit." Sean said.

 _ **Emperor: We have a new enemy, the young rebel who destroyed the Death Star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: How is that possible?**_

 _ **Emperor: Search your feelings, Lord Vader. You will know it to be true.**_

"The line suggests that Darth Vader has no idea who Luke Skywalker is, even though that it said it on the opening crawl. So, why the hell is he hunting down Luke Skywalker and the Millennium Falcon? It just doesn't make sense because he's got to have a reason. Ah, forget it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, Luke hangs out with Kermit the Frog in his tiny hut while eating and he just yells at him because eating is wasting their time when he can just bring him to Master Yoda already. Then, Kermit reveals this.**

 _ **Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Voice) He will learn patience**_

 _ **Yoda: Hmm… (Turns to Luke) Much anger in him like his father.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Obi-Wan) That's because his father was a whiny little bitch and kills children.**

 _ **Yoda: He is not ready.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Yoda.**_

"Either A, Yoda's lost it after being trapped on a swamp world for the past 23 or so years, or B, he was just messing with Luke, testing him." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yoda says that Luke is reckless and he is too old for him to train. Really, motherfucker? You idiots in the Jedi Council refuse to train Anakin because you say that he is too old yet he's just friggin' nine years old and you couldn't train Luke? But he'll train him anyway.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'm not afraid.**_

 _ **Yoda: Oh… You will be. You will be.**_

"Playing the voice of Chucky in _Child's Play_ , you will be. Better Chucky voice than you is Brad Dourif's." Sean said, imitating Yoda.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We jump back to the asteroid field with the Empire searching the Millennium Falcon and sending some Tie Bombers to lure them out. Leia is bored out of her mind sitting in this piece of junk, until she sees something that startles her.**

 **(A creature latches onto the Millennium Falcon's window and squeals. Leia sees the creatures and screams)**

"That's my exact reaction every time when I watch _The Loud House_ and I see Chris Savino's name in the intro." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han, Chewie and Leia go out for a look and they not only find a** **mynock that attacks the ship's power cables, but they find out** **something about the "cave" they're in while they're about to fly out.**

 **(They see that the "cave" is collapsing. Also, we see that the supposed "cave" has teeth)**

 _ **C-3PO: We're doomed!**_

 _ **Princess Leia: The cave is collapsing.**_

 _ **Han Solo: This is no cave.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: What?**_

 **(The Millennium Falcon fly out of the mouth of a giant worm)**

"Okay, this scene is both awesome and ridiculous at the same time. I mean, why would there be a giant slug in space. It makes no sense but I love it. Got to give props to the film's effects team to have such creativity." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, we see that Luke his beginning his training while carrying Yoda around on his back like he's a baby and more things are learned about the Force. Then Luke, starts asking questions about the dark side.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Is the dark side stronger?**_

 _ **Yoda: No, no. No. Quicker, easier, more seductive.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: How do I know the good side from the bad?**_

"Take a look at Donald Trump. He joined the dark side of the Force." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yoda tells Luke enough with the questions and clear his mind with questions. Then, Luke feels something's not right when Yoda points him to a cave for him to go in.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: What's in there?**_

 _ **Yoda: Only what you take with you.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Luke goes into the dark cave and what does he find in there?**

"His future roles as villains in TV, movies and animated shows." Sean said as a photo of Mark Hamill pops up and the characters that he played such as: The Trickster in _The Flash_ , The Joker in _Batman: The Animated Series_ , The Hobgoblin in _Spider-Man: The Animated Series_ , The Skeleton King in _Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go_ and Chucky in _Child's Play_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Nope, he actually finds a vision of Darth Vader, and duels him, love** **how it's all in slow-motion.** **That vision when the mask was destroyed after Luke beheads the vision of Vader, I think it's either A, Anakin** **as he was, or what Luke could become if he was turned in the future. Back with the Imperials, we see that Vader has resorted to hiring bodyguards to track down the Millennium Falcon. We see some memorable bounty hunters like Bossk and IG-88 and then we have the most badass bounty hunter in the galaxy, Boba Fett played by Jeremy Bulloch and voiced by the late Jason Wingreen.**

"Vader does have one condition for capturing the crew. He wants them all alive." Sean said.

 **Footage from the 2004 special edition with the crappy re-dub with Temura Morrison's voice, replacing Jason Wingreen's voice)**

 _ **Darth Vader: No disintegrations.**_

 _ **Boba Fett (Played by Jeremy Bulloch and voiced by Temura Morrison): As you wish.**_

"Oh, hell no! We're not playing that scene with that shitty re-dub with Temura Morrison's voice. I should punch George Lucas for replacing Jason Wingreen's voice. If we're gonna do the Boba Fett scene, then we're doing the despecialized version of the scene with the OG's voice. Roll it!" Sean shouted.

 _ **Darth Vader: No disintegrations.**_

 _ **Boba Fett (Played by Jeremy Bulloch and voiced by the late Jason Wingreen): As you wish.**_

"Much better." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But an Imperial Star Destroyer catches up with our heroes while they were coming out of the asteroid field. Now, let's see if the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive is fixed up.**

 _ **Han Solo: 1… 2… 3!**_

 **(Han tries to jump into light speed, but once again the engine stalls again)**

 _ **Han Solo: It's not fair.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: No light speed?**_

 _ **Han Solo: It's not my fault.**_

"And now you're dead. Any bright ideas before Lawrence Kasdan kills you off?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Apparently he does, which involves flying the Millennium Falcon into attack position and fly straight at them.**

 **(The Millennium Falcon flies straight at the Star Destroyer and flies past them)**

 _ **Captain Needa (Played by Michael Culver): Track them. They may come around for another pass.**_

 _ **Imperial Officer #1: Captain Needa, the ship no longer appears on our scopes.**_

 _ **Captain Needa: They can't have disappeared.**_

"Dude, you're in a universe filled with asteroid snakes, hyperspace travel and you take your orders from a space wizard in a gimp suit. What did you expect?!" Sean asked.

 _ **Imperial Officer #2: Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit.**_

 _ **Captain Needa: Get a shuttle ready. I shall assume full responsibility for losing them and apologize to Lord Vader.**_

 **(The words "A Few Moments Later" pop up on the screen)**

 **Sean: (V/O as SpongeBob narrator) A few moments later.**

 **(We see Captain Needa die by the hands of Darth Vader from being force choked by him)**

 _ **Darth Vader: Apology accepted, Captain Needa.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Luke, we see him continuing his Jedi training by using his Force powers by stacking some stones on top of each other, but his continuously sinking X-Wing distracts him from his training. So, he tries to get out by using the Force but he sucks at he so he just gives up.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I can't. It's too big.**_

"She said that's what." Sean said, imitating Yoda.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Yoda makes his speech about the Force to Luke and Luke just mopes about it, Yoda manages to do the impossible in one of my favorites scenes ever.**

 **(Yoda uses his Force powers to get Luke's X-Wing from out of the swamp)**

"Yoda is a God." Sean said.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I don't... I don't believe it.**_

 _ **Yoda: That is why you fail.**_

 **(The screen turn black & white as the words "Thug Life" pop up on the screen and the song **_**Ante Up**_ **by M.O.P. starts playing while we see sunglasses, a pimp hat and a pimp coat on Yoda)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Luke's stupidity, we partake in the empire's stupidity as well when they figure to check all possible locations and they forget to check that they, oh I don't know, land on the other side of the ship.**

 _ **C-3PO: Captain Solo, this time you've gone too far.**_

 **(Chewbacca roars at C-3PO)**

 _ **C-3PO: No, I will not be quiet, Chewbacca. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?**_

"The reason why nobody listen to you is because you're annoying as hell!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han figures that the Imperials follow standard imperial procedures by dumping their garbage before jumping to light speed and they'll just float away with the rest of the garbage, so that way they can find a safe port somewhere around. Where will they hide out at? Well, in Bespin. And they head down to Bespin, but they're unaware that someone is on their tail.**

 **(We see that Boba Fett track down the Millennium Falcon)**

"Turns out that the most bad-ass bounty hunter in the galaxy has read-ahead-in-the-script powers." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Luke, we see that he's continuing his Jedi training with Yoda and apparently Luke has read-ahead-in-the-script powers when he senses the future, sensing that his friends in danger.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Will they die?**_

 _ **Yoda: Difficult to see.**_

"He's not sure what to do here, he should go, if his friends are really in danger, but he's not finished with his training yet." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Han, Leia, Chewie and C-3PO, they finally reach Cloud City and we're introduced to Han's old friend Lando Calrissian, played by Billy Dee Williams. Lando is the smoothest cat in the galaxy with the sexiest 70s Blaxploitation 'stache. Hell, Leia loves how smooth he is.**

 _ **Lando Calrissian (Played by Billy Dee William): (Sees Leia) Hello, what have we here? Welcome. I'm Lando Calrissian, I'm the administrator of this facility. And who might you be?**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Leia.**_

 _ **Lando Calrissian: (Holds Leia's hand and kisses it) Welcome, Leia.**_

"Okay, now that's pimpdom right there. You know, I'm so glad that I met Billy Dee Williams at the Comic Expo back in 2016. I just wished that I brought a can of Colt 45 for him to sign. But, my mom did manage to get his autograph.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I swear, every time I see Lando on-screen and hearing him talk, I keep thinking that it's going to turn into a Colt 45 commercial.**

 **(A clip from a Colt 45 commercial featuring Billy Dee Williams is shown)**

 _ **Billy Dee Williams: Rule number 1: Never run out of Colt 45. Rule number 2: Never forget rule number 1.**_

 **(We cut back to the film and we see Lando smiling with the words "Colt 45. Works Every Time" on the screen)**

 _ **Announcer: Colt 45. Works every time.**_

"They even got him to play Lando for the radio drama version by NPR in '83'." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Lando gives our heroes a little walking tour of Cloud City, showing them the different locations depending on which version you're watching. Then, C-3PO discovers something fishy.**

"Okay, C-3PO. I haven't talked about you more in this review because of how annoying you are in the movie. Let's see how useful you are in the movie." Sean said.

 **(C-3PO gets shot and destroyed)  
**

"Luke sensed his friends in danger, but he couldn't sense that the only robotic motherfucker is going to get it first." Sean said.

"He gets shot before he has time to warn the others, useless." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, Luke gets ready to leave for Cloud City at once, but Yoda tells him that he must complete his training and he must not go and Obi-Wan warns Luke not to go because Luke needs to learn patience. Fuck, patience! His friends are in danger. I'm sure that he's ready. Nothing bad will happen to him. As Luke leaves Dagobah, we're left with this little cliffhanger.**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: That boy is our last hope.**_

 _ **Yoda: No, there is another.**_

"We'll get to that later, meanwhile." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back in Cloud City, the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive is being fixed up and Princess Leia senses something's wrong since nobody's seen or heard from C-3PO, so Han can talk to him about it to see what he can find out.**

 _ **Princess Leia: I don't trust Lando.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Well, I don't trust him either. He's my friend.**_

"Besides, he's the only black guy in the galaxy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Chewbacca finds C-3PO in a junk pile, getting ready to become melted scrap metal by the little pig people. Don't worry, figuring out what happened to him and why will have to wait though, because the smoothest cat in the galaxy has arrived and...**

 **(Sexy porn music starts playing in the background)**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: (Smiles as he sees Leia) You look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong with us among the clouds.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Thank you.**_

"Macking on Princess Leia in front of Han Solo. Don't you know that she's Han's main squeeze?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lando invites Han, Leia and Chewie to a little dinner party and talks about Cloud City's operations and such. And then they're greeted by a special guest. A very special guest.**

 **(The see Darth Vader as he gets up from out of his seat. Chewie roars as Han pulls out his blaster and shoots at him, but Vader manages to block his shots, then force grabs his blaster)**

"Wow, Darth Vader was channeling his inner Wonder Woman." Sean said.

 **(Wonder Woman's theme from** _ **Batman v. Superman**_ **by Hans Zimmer starts playing as we see Vader blocking Han's shots)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Lando, the only smoothest black guy in the galaxy, has sold them out to the empire. Which means that they'll have to suffer.**

 **(We see Lando and Boba standing outside the door while Han gets tortured while the song I'm Han Solo from Xbox's** _ **Kinect Star Wars**_ **starts playing in the other room where Han is being tortured)**

"No real reason for it, just to get Luke to come faster." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We learn that C-3PO was shot because he walked into a stormtrooper party and Vader's deal with Lando was Han for his city's immunity from the empire, which is changed to Han going with Boba Fett to Leia and Chewie staying in Cloud City under house arrest permanently and Vader prepares to set a trap for young Skywalker to be frozen in carbonite and captured by the empire.**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: We only use this facility for carbon freezing, you put him in there it might kill him.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I do not want the emperor's prize damaged. We will test it on Captain Solo.**_

"Do you always test your supervillain schemes on characters? If you test it out on him, it might kill him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han is put in a cell with Leia, Chewie and C-3PO after Vader tortures him and Lando tries to warn Han Vader's plan about Vader setting a trap for Luke and him being on his way now.**

 _ **Han Solo: Perfect. You've fixed us all real good, didn't you? My friend.**_

 **(Han punches Lando in the face)**

"Okay, I love this scene so much, I had to edit this in." Sean said.

 **(We see Han punch Lando in the face once more, then the words "K.O." pop up on the screen. Then, the scene plays back once more with the "Falcon Punch!" sound effect plays right when Han punches Lando)**

 _ **Han Solo: (With Ralph Kramden's voice) One of these days… (Punches Lando) Pow! Right in the kisser!**_

"They obviously don't believe him." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the big freeze as they prepare to freeze Han Solo in carbonite, so that way he can be taken by Boba Fett. But Chewie isn't going to let that happen but it's Han's choice to be out of the picture. So, Han tells Chewie to take care of Leia. Han and Leia kiss and then we get this line that was improvised by Harrison Ford.**

 _ **Princess Leia: I love you.**_

 _ **Han Solo: I know.**_

"Okay, that is a true pimp right there. Ultimate pimpdom." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they freeze Han into carbonite and turn him into a coffee table. Now, I do have to mention the elephant in the room. Originally, Han Solo was meant to die. Harrison Ford really didn't want to come back for another Star Wars movie. Hell, him and the movie's screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan argued that Han should get axed off. The idea of him getting killed off was toyed with again when** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **began development.**

 **(A picture of Lawrence Kasdan pops up)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I'm looking at you, Kasdan. I'll get to you when I talk about The Force Awakens. But, George knew what he wanted, so he kept Han Solo alive to live a happy ending.**

"Yeah, you really want to know what kept Han Solo alive? I'll give you one word: merchandising." Sean said, imitating the character Yogurt from Mel Brooks' _Spaceballs_.

 **(Images of Han Solo toys, dollar signs and money stacks are shown while Naughty By Nature's** _ **Here Comes The Money**_ **(a.k.a. Shane McMahon's entrance theme) starts playing)**

"And the fans who love Han Solo, who will crucify you if something bad happens to Han Solo." Sean said as he ignites his green lightsaber.

"What he said." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Boba taking Han to Jabba the Hutt to collect his bounty and Vader taking Leia and Chewbacca as their prisoner on his ship, Luke arrives in Cloud City and gets into a shoot-out with Boba and the stormtroopers who can't aim while they're escorting Leia and Chewie out while Leia warns him that it's a trap. And then we come to the big duel between Luke and Vader.**

 _ **Darth Vader: The Force is with you, young Skywalker.**_

 **(** _ **The Good, the Bad and the Ugly**_ **theme plays)**

 _ **Darth Vader: But you're not a Jedi yet.**_

"There was a part of the score John Williams worked on for the first section of the duel, but it was cut." Brian said.

 _ **Darth Vader: You have learned much, young one.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You'll find I'm full of surprises.**_

 **(The two continue to duel and all of a sudden, Luke's lightsaber flies out of his hand)**

"Oh, sweet Jesus on a pogo stick. Really?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean (Narrating): Vader forces him into the pit, and starts, but this happens.**

 **** **(Luke is able to leap out of the pit, a few seconds after the things start)**

"Impressive." Sean said.

 _ **Darth Vader: Most impressive.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, things get real when Vader uses his force powers to throw stuff at him. Dude, I don't think that he's going to win this one.**

 **(Luke flies out the window)**

"Oh, well he's dead." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Yoda laughing and the end credits start as we see the words "Directed by IRVIN KERSHNER" on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I'm kidding. Luke's just holding on to dear life. Let's take a break from the lightsaber duel as we check in with Leia, Chewie and C-3PO being escorted by the Imperials, then Lando pulls a double-double cross on the Imperials by having his guard capture them. He tries to help Leia and Chewie but they don't believe him. So, Chewie chokes the backstabbing motherfucker!**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: (While being choked by Chewie) I had no choice.**_

 _ **C-3PO: What are you doing? Trust him! Trust him!**_

"Dude, you do not know what Wookies are capable of. He can easily rip your head off." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lando manages to convince them to trust him by there being a way to** **save Han, but, they're too late when they get there.**

 **(** _ **The Price is Right**_ **losing horn starts playing as Boba Fett flies away in Slave 1)**

"You guys suck!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Boba flying away with Han frozen in carbonite, our heroes have a bunch of stormtroopers who can't aim for shit gunning for them. Oh, and R2 reunites with C-3PO. And they manage to fly away in the Millennium Falcon and leave Cloud City. Meanwhile, the Luke/Vader duel continues as they duel onto a platform with the wind blowing at them and Vader toying with Luke.**

"Now, I know that Luke skipped out on his training an all but he's taking on a Sith lord who can easily kick his ass. I'm sure that Luke will be just..." Sean said.

 **(Vader disarms Luke by cutting off his hand as Luke screams in pain)**

"Oh yeah, darker." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Luke sucks and he regrets not finishing his Jedi training on Dagobah. You know, watching this scene I couldn't help but come up with some hilarious pins while writing this review.**

 **(We see Luke getting his hand cut off by Vader)**

"Well, he served him a cut of vengeance." Sean said as a comedic drum riff is heard.

 **(The scene plays back again)**

"Hey, Luke. Need a hand?" Sean asked as a comedic drum riff is heard.

 **(The scene plays back for a third time)**

"Hey, what's your favorite movie? Mine's _Cool Hand Luke_!" Sean exclaimed as another comedic drum riff plays again.

 **(The scene plays back for a fourth time)**

"If you're happy and you know it, clap your... dammit!" Sean yelled out as another comedic drum riff is heard.

 **(The scene plays back for a fifth time)**

"Dude, these bad puns are getting out of hand." Brian said as another comedic drum riff is heard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the big, giant, super, holy shit revelation of the century.**

"Now, before I continue on with this review, for those of you who haven't seen this movie, here comes a big spoiler headed your way if you're reading this. This is bigger than spoilers for any Marvel Cinematic Universe movie. Hell, this was before the Marvel movies. If you don't want to know about the spoiler, then skip this part to the ending of the movie and the review. If you've seen the movie and know about it, then you're good. If you really want to know about this big shocker, get yourself some popcorn and hold on to your seats. Prepared to be shocked. Alright, play the clip." Sean said.

 _ **Darth Vader: If you only knew about the power of the dark side, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: No, I am your father.**_

 **(A clip from VH1's** _ **When Star Wars Ruled the World**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Harrison Ford: Wait, wait, wait. What?**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I am your father.**_

 _ **Harrison Ford: Darth Vader is Luke's father.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: That's not true. That's impossible**_ _._

"Well, Luke. I have the results." Sean said, imitating Maury Povich. "In the case of 29 year old Luke Skywalker. Darth Vader, you are the father!"

 **(The words *You Are the Father!" is shown on the screen)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): NOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from Th** _ **e Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Frodo Baggins (Played by Elijah Wood): NOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Dragon Ball Z**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Krillin (Voiced by Sonny Strait): NOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: First Contact**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jean-Luc Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): No! NOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Johnny Cage (Played by Linden Ashby): NOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Back to the Future Part II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): No! Oh, please God! No!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Toy Story 2**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Buzz Lightyear (Voiced by Tim Allen): NOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from the 1989 version of** _ **Pet Sematary**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Louis Creed (Played by Dale Midkiff): NOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chief Wiggum (Voiced by Hank Azaria): Yes.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Poltergeist**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Steve Freeling (Played by Craig T. Nelson): No! No! You said no!**_

 _ **Chief Wiggum: I mean no.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Fresh Prince of Bel Air**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Will Smith: NOOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **is shown)**

 **Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasance): No! No! No!**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Office**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carrell): No, God! No, God! Please, no! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Cop Out**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Paul Hodges (Played by Tracy Morgan): No. No. Huh-huh. No. No! No! No! Hell no! NO! NO! I refuse to... No! No!**_

"Oh, my God! That is one of the greatest shockers in movie history!" Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(The scene is played once more)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) When I was a kid, that revelation took me by surprise. I couldn't believe it and I didn't see that coming. When you watch kids' reactions to the big reveal of Darth Vader telling Luke that he's his father, it takes them by surprise.**

"I hope my brother and his wife show Aaron that movie. I wonder how he'll react." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that big reveal, Vader wants Luke to join him and bring down the emperor so they can rule the world as father and son. So, Luke has two choices. Choice A. Join Vader by his side. And then there's Choice B...**

 **(Luke falls)**

"Be suicidal. Are you insane?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I bet you Vader was thinking, (In his Vader voice) "What the fuck was that little bastard thinking? Why did Padme give birth to an idiot?". (In his normal voice) After that attempted suicide, Luke goes down a trapdoor which lead to another trapdoor which leads him outside and hanging onto dear life.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Ben... Ben...**_

"Tom Selleck." Sean said. "Sorry, had to be done."

Sean: (Narrating) With Luke literally hanging on the line, he contacts Leia by using the Force. Leia senses that Luke is in trouble and Leia wants Lando to turn the ship around.

 **(The song** _ **Turn the Ship Around**_ **from the** _ **Family Guy**_ **parody of** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: (Sees Luke) Look, someone's up there.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Chewie, slow down. Slow down and get under.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, yeah. How can you idiots be sure that it's Luke? It could be some random dickhead just hanging around. Could you just make sure?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: Luke? Luke, if that's you raise your hand. No, your right hand. No, your other hand.**

 _ **Chris Griffin (Voiced by Seth Green): (as Luke Skywalker) It's me, you fuckers!**_

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they save Luke and now it's time to get the hell out of Bespin. But, they have this huge problem regarding the empire on their asses. Okay, let's hope that the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon works.**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: Punch it.**_

 **(Chewie tries to jump the ship into light speed, the engine stalls again as the Tie Fighters shoot at them)**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: They told me they fixed it. I trusted them to fix it! It's not my fault!**_

"They might've had some "help", if you know what I mean." Brian said.

 _ **Darth Vader: Did your men deactivate the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon?**_

"They did. Imperial agents." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While R2 tries to reactivate the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon, Luke telepathically hears the voice of Vader because he wants to have a little father-son force chat with him.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Father.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: Son, come with me.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Oh, and by the way, I apologize for cutting off your hand. I just had a flashback to Christopher Lee cutting off my hand. You don't know who he is but I managed to get back at him and cut off both of his hands and I cut off his head. Hope you get a cool metallic golden hand like me. And yes, Obi-Wan lied to you. He's an asshole. Also, it is your destiny to join me.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Ben. Why didn't you tell me?**_

"Uh, yeah. You guys still have one problem regarding the fucking empire on your tail!" Sean yelled at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But R2 manages to re-activate the Falcon's hyperdrive system and saves our heroes as the ship flees to hyperspace. As for Vader, well, somebody is definitely getting forced choked for this. Don't worry, Piett. You live. Anyway, melodramatic ending! Our heroes didn't win and I like the fact that it won't end on a happy ending like the last film because the rebellion has suffered through this tough time. Lando and Chewie begin their most dangerous adventure yet, rescuing Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett and why is Lando wearing Han's clothes in this scene? It's really weird. Luke gets a new robotic hand, just don't masturbate because you'll rip your dick off and the movie ends on sequel bait.**

 **(The end credits start with the words "Directed by IRVIN KERSHNER" appearing on the screen while the end credits theme of the movie plays)**

"And that was _The Empire Strikes Back_ and that is how you do a sequel." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) People who enjoy Star Wars considered this to be the best in the trilogy. George Lucas said that this was the worst film in the trilogy. I could kick him in his ass for saying that and fans would too. George Lucas was wrong. This was one of my favorites out of the original trilogy and I loved that since the original film was lighthearted, this one had a dark tone, seeing our heroes in danger from the empire. The acting, the story, the visual effects, the cinematography and the music all hold up very well. After the movie's release, there was the novelization of the book. Also, a few video game adaptations of the film were released: one was a scrolling shooter video game on the Atari 2600. In the game, you control Luke Skywalker in a snowspeeder to battle against Imperial AT-AT walkers, all you do is shoot at them while avoiding their laser beams. I could talk about them but you have the Angry Video Game Nerd who talked about it on his video on the** _ **Star Wars**_ **games. Check it out, you'll get a great laugh. Then you have** _ **Super The Empire Strikes Back**_ **on the Super Nintendo. It follows the movie well just like** _ **Super Star Wars**_ **and** _ **Super Return of the Jedi**_ **. I've never played them before and from what I've heard they're hard as shit. Hopefully, they release the** _ **Super Star Wars**_ **trilogy remastered in HD. After the film was released, the movie had a mixed reception. Some critics enjoyed it and some didn't enjoy it. My only nitpick of the film is the middleness of the film and it slows down a bit after an intense action scene. But everything else is alright. The film still holds up very well and is still enjoyable and it's one of the best sequels of all time.** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **gets 5 incompetent Imperial officers out of 5.**

"Thank you all for tuning in for this review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and do or do not, there is no try." Sean said.

 **(TV static transitions to: The Unusual Suspect)**

We see The Unusual Suspect standing in his home with an evil glare on his face.

"Oh hi, Suspect. Sorry for cutting you off earlier. Now, you said you wanted to do a crossover?" Sean asked.

"Yes." The Unusual Suspect said while he still glares at Sean.

"Alright. What did you have in mind for a crossover?" Sean asked.

" _The Empire Strikes Back_." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Oh." Sean said. "Uh... sorry about that. I... well... maybe..."

"No, Sean. That's the last straw. I didn't get to be a part of _Halloween Havoc_ , didn't even get to cameo in you Commercials specials and now this! You think you can just push me aside so you can do another review with Brian and Lucas? Not this time! We're doing this crossover, now sit down!" The Unusual Suspect yelled.

Sean looks down at where he's sitting. "But, I'm already sitting, dumbass!"

"Well, good!" The Unusual Suspect said.

"What do you have in mind?" Sean asked.

"You and I are going to cover a subject with this foreshadowing sound effect." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(We cut to black, then we hear the sound of Emperor Palpatine laughing)**

"You do realize I was gonna review _Return of the Jedi_ anyways?" Sean asked.

"Yeah. But this was much cooler." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **The Empire Strikes Back.**_ **I hope that you all enjoyed this little review and some of it's funny gags. Which one was your favorite in the review? Next time, Sean continues** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with the final chapter of the original trilogy** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **as The Unusual Suspect joins him. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	67. TSOSW Part V: ROTJ

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker here bringing you another awesome and hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **continues. After** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **, I will be reviewing** _ **Descendants 3**_ **in honor of Cameron Boyce, I know some would like that. Today, Sean concludes** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **when he finishes the original Star Wars trilogy with the final chapter** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **. But hey, Sean isn't doing this one alone because special guest The Unusual Suspect joins him. So, let's see how the original trilogy ended before George Lucas messes it up with the prequel trilogy. So, sit back, relax and pour yourself an ice cold glass of lemonade iced tea and enjoy this review.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All material belong to their respective sources.** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is owned by 20** **th** **Century Fox, Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part 5: Return of the Jedi**

We start off the show with a shot of Sean's red leather couch without him in it. Sean's cameraman Dave starts moving around the house as if looking for him; it goes into the hallway closet and he finds Sean standing in the closet hiding until he spots the camera.

"What are you doing?" Dave asked as Sean picks up Taylor's body wash.

"I found it!" Sean exclaimed, chuckling a bit while he holds the bottle of his girlfriend's lavender-scented body wash. "There's the body wash. I… needed… it… to… wash….up. Wanted to smell… girly."

"Are you hiding from him?" Dave asked.

"What? No. I'm not hiding from him. It's… just… OK, I really don't wanna do this. I mean, not with this guy. He's not right in the head! Screw it, let me do the intro!" Sean exclaimed as he heads downstairs to the living room and sits down on his couch. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to…"

The young critic gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the front door, opening it before speaking in a deep, booming voice. " _THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS_!"

A pizza boy is seen standing in front of the door holding a box of pizza.

"I have a delivery for Sean J. Archer. One extra large pepperoni pizza." The pizza boy said.

"Oh, right." Sean said as he grabs the pizza before closing the door. "Thank you."

"Uh, the pizza's $14.49." The pizza boy said.

Sean opens the door and hands the pizza boy a $20 bill. "Here, keep the change."

"Thanks." The pizza boy said before walking to his car.

Sean sits back down on his couch to start his review. "Today, we'll be taking a look at the third and final film in the original _Star Wars_ trilogy, the mother of all adventures. _Return of the Jedi_."

 **(The title from the theatrical trailer is shown as well as clips from the movie while the track** _ **Sail Barge Assault**_ **by John Williams stars playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **, the final chapter of George Lucas' epic space opera, was released in theaters on May 25, 1983. Episode VI grossed between $475 million and $572 million worldwide, garnering positive reviews from critic. The film was the most successful film back in '83 but it made less than** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **.** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is like a well-cooked steak. Wait, didn't I say that about** _ **Revenge of the Jedi**_ **? It's a beloved classic and it's my favorite out of the original trilogy. This was the movie that I watched mostly when I was young.**

"And I know that some of you will be ticked off at me but I find Return of the Jedi better than _The Empire Strikes Back_." Sean said.

 **Unknown Voice: (British accent) Are you out of your mind?!**

"Who said that?" Sean asked.

"I did, you moron." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Oh, no. You?" Sean asked.

"You forgot that this is a crossover review. And we're doing this crossover." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Do I have to?" Sean asked.

"Hey, I was supposed to do a crossover review of _The Empire Strikes Back_ with you but you did it without me. And saying that _Return of the Jedi_ is better than _The Empire Strikes Back_ , why would you say that?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"Because it is." Sean said.

"People will end up calling you a "Blasphemer" for saying that." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(More clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I admit it.** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is my favorite in the series. There are some things that I love about the movie** **and yes there are some things that annoy me in the movie but we'll get to that one.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The movie was the first film to introduce the THX quality control program, with many theater varying in quality in terms of picture and sound.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The THX program was used for home cinema equipment and laserdisc.**

"And for the young ones asking "What is THX?" Well, maybe this little parody of THX will describe what it is." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation**_ **is shown parodying the THX sound system promo called THUD)**

 _ **Announcer: The audience is now deaf.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Grampa Abe Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Turn it up! Turn it up!**_

"Had to use these two clips from _Tiny Toon Adventures_ and _The Simpsons_." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) It's the big epic conclusion and the grand finale to Luke Skywalker's adventures and the war between the rebellion and the Galactic Empire, so a lot of loose ends had to be tied.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's talk about the film's production history. George Lucas financed the film himself and he was determined not to go over budget like he did with** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **. During filming, the movie went under the fake title called Blue Harvest…**

 **(The poster for** _ **Family Guy Presents Blue Harvest**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) You wish. No, not that one. They slate the movie as a cheap horror film in order to attract price gouging.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The film was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi because the film's producer Howard Kazanjian told Lucas that "Return" sounded like a weak title. So, they went with "Revenge" before Georgie Boy went back to "Return" because Jedi shouldn't be seeking revenge.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Lucas did consider to make the film darker. This was the era that he made** _ **Temple of Doom**_ **.**

"Thank you, Marcia. Bitch!" Sean exclaimed.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So, you have George Lucas and Lawrence Kasdan writing the screenplay for the movie. Now, it's time to pick the director. George's first choice to direct Return was his buddy Steven Spielberg but because of their separate feuds with the Director's Guild, it led to him being banned from directing the film. His second choice was David Lynch, who directed** _ **Eraserhead**_ **and** _ **The Elephant Man**_ **, but he declined so he can direct the shitstorm of a movie called** _ **Dune**_ **. Then, his third choice was David Cronenberg, who's known for directing….**

 **(A clip from The 1986 version of** _ **The Fly**_ **is shown, showing Seth mutating into a fly while we cut to The Unusual Suspect making a horrified look while watching that scene)  
**

"Yeah, imagine that." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, no Spielberg, Lynch was out and Cronenberg was out. Who's going to direct the film now? Enter Welsh director Richard Marquand, who was known for directing the 1981 drama** _ **Eye of the Needle**_ **. A year later he directed the romantic drama** _ **Until September**_ **starring the ultimate bad-ass Marion Ravenwood herself Karen Allen.**

 **(A picture of Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood from** _ **Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He directed two more films in the 1980s, the courtroom thriller** _ **Jagged Edge**_ **starring Jeff Bridges and Glenn Close and the Bob Dylan movie that killed him in 1987 called** _ **Hearts of Fire**_ **.**

"I'm not joking. That movie literally killed him." Sean said.

"Oh, come on. You're acting like the guy died or something." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(A picture of Richard Marquand is shown. We see that it says "In Loving Memory of Richard Marquand 1937-1987")**

"Holy shit." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) I mean, goddamn. The guy died before his 50** **th** **birthday and I blame that Bob Dylan movie for killing him. Even though he died from a stroke. He's an excellent director and I honestly think that he did an excellent job directing the movie. And we'll talk about more in this review.**

"Well, I know we've been talking about the movie's production history and the director. Well, let's take a look at _Return of the Jedi_ to see how it all ends… before George Lucas screws it up with the prequels. Oh, and this is the despecialized version we're doing." Sean said.

 **(We see the words "Just yesterday and somewhere, around the corner…" on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just yesterday and somewhere, around the corner, we get our traditional opening text scroll, letting us know that a bunch shit went down. Like Luke returning to Tatooine to rescue Han from Jabba the Hutt. But who cares? The only thing that is important is that the Empire is constructing a new Death Star that's bigger and more powerful than the original.**

"I guess they needed to blow up two planets." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) This is a huge project for the Galactic Empire and when Darth Vader arrives in an entrance that will make a small child cry in fear, Moff Jerjerrod played by Michael Pennington, let's Vader know what's going on, but they're a tad bit behind schedule.**

 _ **Moff Jerjerrod (Played by Michael Pennington): I tell you this station will be operational as planned.**_

 _ **Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.**_

 _ **Moff Jerjerrod: But he asks the impossible. I need more men.**_

"Don't we all." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vader let's Jerjerrod know that the Emperor himself will be arriving, maybe that'll motivate Jerjerrod and the idiotic Imperial officers to get to work and stop being a bunch of lazy assholes.**

 _ **Moff Jerjerrod: We shall double our efforts.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I hope so for your sake, commander. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.**_

"Ah, yes. We all know about Darth Vader's calm demeanor and being kind to the Imperial officers." Sean said.

 **(We cut to various clips of** _ **Star Wars**_ **and** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **, showing Darth Vader choking Admiral Motti, Admiral Ozzel and Captain Needa)**

"Did I say calm? I meant punishing them by force choking the life out of them." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Anyway, back to Operation: Solo Rescue on Tatooine, we find our favorite droid duo C-3PO and R2-D2 are sent to Jabba's palace, where they are greeted by a bunch of pig guards and Jabba's assistant Bib Fortuna, played by Michael Carter.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the hell? Why does his look like a floppy penis wrapped around his neck and two balls on his forehead?**

 _ **Bib Fortuna (Played by Michael Carter): (Speaking Huttese) Day wonna wonga?**_

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Oh, my!**_

"Geez, C-3PO is creeped out by that guy's head. Can you put a censor bar over that?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"Sure." Sean said as he throws a censor bar over Bib Fortuna's head.

 _ **C-3PO: We bring a message to your master Jabba the Hutt.**_

 _ **Bib Fortuna: Day Jabba wonga?**_

 **(R2-D2 beeps)**

 _ **C-3PO: And a gift. Gift? What gift?**_

"Some top shelf bud, man. Keep your voice down." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they deliver the message to Jabba himself in all his grotesque glory. Jabba the Hutt is played by countless puppeteers and voiced by Larry Ward. I love this design of Jabba. They made him look like my Uncle Tony from Pontiac, Michigan.**

"You should check out the other designs of Jabba. They were more grotesque than this." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So, R2 plays the message from Luke Skywalker and what gift does he present him with?**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): These two droids.**_

 _ **C-3PO: What did he say?**_

"Poor 3PO, left out of the loop." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The fat slug doesn't even care because he does not want to give up his favorite decoration who's on display. And that's Han Solo, who's still chilling against the wall.**

Sean glares evily at The Unusual Suspect.

"What?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"Hey, I handle the bad jokes around here, not you." Sean said.

"Sorry." The Unusual Suspect apologized as he bows his head down in shame.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Jabba keeps the droids anyway because he gets free shit. Oh, a little bit of some trivia about the droid pool sequence. The droid EV-9D9 is voiced by the film's director Richard Marquand.**

 _ **EV-9D9 (Voiced by the late Richard Marquand): (To R2-D2) You're a feisty little one, but soon you'll learn some respect.**_

"And the droid being tortured is voiced by the film's sound designer Ben Burtt." The Unusual Suspect said.

 _ **Droid (Voiced by Ben Burtt): (While being tortured) No! No! No! Aaahh!**_

"That's right, folks. You just witnessed Wall-E being tortured. Question: why the hell is that droid screaming in pain? Droids aren't supposed to feel pain? Also, if you haven't noticed the hot rod isn't even touching the droid." Sean said. "Yes, I'm mentioning that part after you talked about it in your _10 Things 'Star Wars Ep. 4-6' Did WRONG_ video."

"Check it out, as well as my other _Star Wars_ videos." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We then come to… (Sees the Max Rebo Band playing** _ **Lapti Nek**_ **) What the hell is that? A musical number in a** _ **Star Wars**_ **movie?**

"What the fuck am I looking at?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"You're looking at the despecialized version, baby! That's right, we're not dealing with the special edition version of this musical number. But yeah, that Muppet alien singing looks weird and horrible." Sean said.

"But you want to know what's even more horrifying…. THIS!" The Unusual Suspect shouts and points at the camera.

 **(The 1997 special edition version with the Max Rebo Band playing** _ **Jedi Rocks**_ **is being shown)**

We cut back to Sean who starts screaming in horror from the special edition version before cutting back to The Unusual Suspect, who's busy smiling and laughing at Sean.

"Ah, that made my day. That's for not doing a crossover with me on _The Empire Strikes Back_ , bitch!" The Unusual Suspect exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it's not the horrifying Muppet or the band playing that Jabba wants to kill, oh no. It's that dancer named Oola, played by Femi Taylor.**

 **(Jabba pushes a button, opening a trapdoor, sending Oola down to a pit)**

"Hey, at least the special edition version ends that scene in a funny way with the music stopping and all like they've seen this happen before." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We don't see what happens to her but I'm sure she's suffering from a horrible and painful death. H** **e just killed the only sexiest alien in the galaxy.**

Sean gives The Unusual Suspect a look. 

"What? Twi'leks are sexy. It's better than looking at Wookierotica." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, I would like to point out that the fat dancer looks a bit like that fat drunk brothel owner from** _ **Spartacus: Vengeance**_ **. (A picture of the character Arminius from** _ **Spartacus: Vengeance**_ **is shown) You know who I'm talking about. The fat guy that looks like Bertram from Jessie and he was watching some hot chick getting gang banged by some Romans and he was wanking off.**

"Oh, come on now!" The Unusual Suspect shouted.

"Don't believe me? Watch the show." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Jabba's day gets really better when a bounty hunter voiced by the late Pat Welsh, you know the voice of ET? This bounty hunter by the name of Boushh, arrives at the palace with Chewbacca as his prisoner and we see that Chewie over here has suffered the fashion trend of the 80s and we see that he's got a perm job since the last time we saw him in Empire.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Boushh wants to collect part of the bounty. He wants slightly more than 25, 000.**

 _ **C-3PO: 50, 000. No less.**_

 **(Jabba growls and hits C-3PO. C-3PO screams and falls down)**

"Geez, 50, 000 is a lot to pay someone. You think that Jabba would have that kind of money?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jabba asks why he has to pay that kind of money and Boushh has an ace up his sleeve, a freaking bomb!**

 **(Boba points his blaster at Boushh while everyone panics)**

"You better pay the man or you're all dead." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Jabba likes Boushh's moxy and offers to pay him 35, 000. Boushh agrees to take the money while Chewie is being held prisoner in Jabba's palace. Later, Boushh returns to sneak into the palace while everyone is asleep and…**

 **(Boushh accidentally walks into some chimes)**

"Solid Snake you are not. Christ, you're lucky that no one haven't even killed you yet." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Boushh walks over to the wall display of Han Solo and frees him. Problem is, after being free from carbonite there are some side effects like hibernation sickness and temporary blindness.**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Where am I?**_

 _ **Boushh (Voiced by the late Pat Welsh): Jabba's palace.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Who are you?**_

 **(Boushh removes his helmet, revealing to be Leia)**

 _ **Princess Leia (Played by Carrie Fisher): Someone who loves you.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Leia.**_

"Turns out that it was Leia who was under the guise of bounty hunter Boushh. Well, that's part of the plan. Now, let's get the droids and Chewie and get the hell out of here." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) But before they leave, Han and Leia have a little problem.**

 **(Jabba laughs)**

 _ **Han Solo: What's that?**_

 **(Jabba keeps laughing)**

 _ **Han Solo: I know that laugh.**_

"It's the 7-Up guy!" Sean exclaimed.

"That bastard!" The Unusual Suspect exclaimed.

 **(A 7-UP commercial from the 1980s featuring Geoffrey Holder is shown)**

 _ **7-UP Guy (Played by the late Geoffrey Holder): 7-UP. Crisp and clean, no caffeine. Never had it, never will.**_

 _ **Singers: Don't you feel good about…**_

 **(7-UP Guy laughs)**

 _ **Singers: 7-UP.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Look, Jabba. I was just on my way to pay you back. Then I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault.**_

 _ **Jabba the Hutt (Voiced by the late Larry Ward): (Speaking Huttese) It's too late for that. Solo.**_

"Oh, yeah. That's right. Han got the money to pay back Jabba in the first film. I know that he sent Greedo to get him and then later on Boba Fett. Couldn't he just pay him back?" The Unusual Suspect asked. "By the way, he didn't spend the money on anything, did he?"

"If he did, then it would be for Life Day presents or babes." Sean said.

 **(We cut to a photo of Han Solo in his Endor outfit with other photos of different porn actresses like Molly Stewart, Cali Carter, Tiffany Watson, Sydney Cole, JoJo Kiss and Adria Rae pop up next to him with stacks of money appearing. Then the words "Must Be The Money!" pops up on the screen while the song** _ **Ride Wit Me**_ **by Nelly and St. Lunatics starts playing)**

"What? It could happen. I would do the same thing." Sean said.

"Me too." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(We then see a photo of Sean and The Unusual Suspect with different photos of porn actresses like Aidra Fox, Kira Noir, Kendra Lust, Cassidy Klein and Alli Rae pop up next to them with stacks of money while the song** _ **Ride Wit Me**_ **starts playing and the words "Must Be The Money!" pop up on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han gets imprisoned again and then Jabba decides to channel his inner Harvey Weinstein on Leia.**

 **(The audience boos at him)**

"What? I can't make a Harvey Weinstein joke? Want me to make fun of Chris Savino? Because Jabba is channeling both of them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, what was the plan again? Go in and free Han Solo from the fat slimy slug or go in and free him and end up getting caught?**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Dark Knight Rises**_ **is shown)**

 _ **CIA Op (Played by Aiden Gillen): Was getting caught part of your plan?**_

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Well, it's time for Plan C, when a mysterious looking cloaked figure enters Jabba's palace and force chokes the living shit out of Jabba's pig guards. We then see Leia in that skimpy golden bikini...**

"Thanks, George. Thanks for debuting every 13-year-old teenager's first erection." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Hell, the only one who debuted my first erection was Jenna Jameson when I was thirteen." Sean winked naughtily at the camera. "Plus, it was Ross Gellar's fantasy to see Rachel in that slave outfit in an episode of _Friends_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, that mysterious cloaked figure happens to be Luke Skywalker. And there's something different about him.**

"Luke's not whiny?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"Nope. Something else. Okay, well he's not whiny." Sean said.

"His hair is different." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Oh, wait! He's lost some weight." The Unusual Suspect said with a smile on his face while Sean gives him a look.

"What the hell?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, it turns out that Luke is now a Jedi knight. You know, I love the change of character in Luke. He went from being a whiny brat with a shaggy Justin Bieber hairdo to a non-whiny, serious Jedi who's not afraid to kick your ass on the spot. Or he could just kill you if you do not bargain with him. Like what Jabba is doing.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookie to me.**_

 **(Jabba laughs)**

"News flash: turns out that Jedi mind tricks don't work on Jabba. I guess it's time for Plan B." Sean said.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You can either profit by this or be destroyed. It's your choice but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.**_

 _ **Jabba the Hut: Ooahhh.**_

 _ **C-3PO: (Tries to warn Luke) Master Luke, you're standing on...**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker): Shut up, 3PO. I'm talking.**

 _ **Jabba the Hutt: (Speaking in Huttese) There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die. (Laughs)**_

 **(Luke uses the Force to pull a nearby blaster from one of the guards and attempts to shoot Jabba. A pig guard tries to disarm Luke as Jabba activates the trapdoor, sending both Luke and the guard into the Rancor pit)**

"So, Plan B was to just shoot Jabba in the face if he doesn't bargain with you? Well, that didn't work well." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Final Fantasy X-2**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Yuna (Voiced by Hedy Burress): I don't like your plan. It sucks.**_

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke and the pig guard are sent down to the Rancor pit, home of the terrifying Rancor. I love how they designed the Rancor. It's one of the best puppets ever put on film. It was originally supposed to be a guy in a suit inspired by Godzilla but instead you have the wonderful team at ILM designing the creature.**

"Also, if you have children, this scene will probably give them nightmares." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Jeez, imagine a parent showing that scene to his kid." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Adam, his wife Lexi and their son Aaron watching** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **)**

 **Adam: So, Aaron. How are you liking the movie so far?**

 **Aaron: It's good, Dad.**

 **(They come across the Rancor scene as Aaron watches the scene with a look of fear on his face as Lexi notices)**

 **Lexi: Aaron?**

 **Aaron: What's that?**

 **Adam: That is the Rancor. A creature so terrifying, I just want to punch George Lucas in the face for giving you nightmares.**

 **Aaron: It's scary. I want to watch Tiny Toons.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke fights the terrifying creature after it eats a poor pig guard while his friends watch. I guess the pig guard was just the appetizer and Luke is the main course. When I saw the Rancor when I first watched this movie when I was like 5 years old, that thing didn't creep me out. It looked awesome. Anyway, we see Luke fight the Rancor with not a lightsaber but with a bone. A bone? Really, Luke? Where's your goddamn lightsaber?! I would've killed the fucking thing with a machine gun and a grenade launcher to end this fight shortly. I can't complain about this scene. There's a lot of things that I love about it: the design of the Rancor, the suspense, the visual effects and the music. John Williams had time to throw in the Force theme and the Star Wars theme in that scene.**

 **(The Rancor tries to grab Luke)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Rancor Keeper) Princess! Enjoy your food, Princess!**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) But Luke manages to make short work of the Rancor by throwing a handy dandy skull resulting in...**

 **(Luke throws the skull at the button, killing the monster by crushing it under the gate)**

 _ **Mortal Kombat Announcer (Voiced by Jamieson Price): Fatality!**_

"Okay, that's the only brutal death I've seen involving a space creature. I kinda feel bad for it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get this usually bizarre moment when the Rancor Keeper cries over the dead creature.**

 **(We see the Rancor Keeper crying over the dead Rancor)**

"Okay, that was totally unnecessary but I love how they just kept it in the film. Someone tell the mouse to get on it. Make a spin-off movie about the Rancor Keeper. Call it _Rancor Keeper: A Star Wars Story_." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(We see a fake poster with Malakili the Rancor Keeper on it called** _ **Rancor Keeper: A Star Wars Story**_ **, Directed by Ron Howard)**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke and Han reunite and they see Leia in that skimpy slave outfit. Well, this is going to be the last boner they're going to get because Jabba the Hutt sentenced them to be terminated immediately by taking them to the Dune Sea and cast them into the Pit of Carkoon, which is the nesting place of the Sarlacc.**

 _ **Han Solo: Doesn't sound so bad.**_

"Yeah. Unless you are slowly digested over 1,000 years! Couldn't you just shoot them in the back?" Sean asked.

 _ **Han Solo: On second thought, let's pass on that.**_

"I guess Plan C was for Luke to get caught as well, huh?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Dark Knight Rises**_ **is shown)**

 _ **CIA Op: Well, congratulations! You got yourself caught. Now, what's the next step of your master plan?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Jabba's sail barge, well party barge, where R2 is serving drinks. Oh, and they're about to execute Luke, Han and Chewie. Oh yeah, I forgot about Lando, he's in disguise so he's part of Operation: Solo Rescue as well. We see the Pit, which looks like a butthole in the original theatrical version but in the special edition it has that silly looking beak sticking out.**

"I hope that they have any last words." The Unusual Suspect said.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us or die.**_

"I hope you have Plan C ready, Luke." Sean said.

 **(Luke walks on the plank, prepared to get lowered down to the pit. Luke looks at Lando and nods at him. Lando nods back at Luke, then Luke looks at R2. R2 beeps then we cut to Han and then Leia. We cut back to Luke nodding his head. We then cut to Sean, who looks to his left and nods at Dave, who turns to Brian and nods at him. Brian turns to Sean and nods his head at him. Sean turns to his left and nods at The Unusual Suspect, who nods back at him. Then back to Sean, who nods at Lucas who nods back at him. Then Sean looks to his right and nods his head to Dave)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Caddyshack**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Judge Smails (Played by the late Ted Knight): Well, we're waiting.**_

 _ **Jabba the Hutt: (Speaking in Huttese) Put him in.**_

 **(One of the guards push Luke in but Luke manages to grab onto the plank and does a force-flip up through the air and onto the skiff while R2 launches Luke's lightsaber from a hidden panel in his housing. Luke catches his lightsaber and ignites it, revealing it to be his new green lightsaber)**

"Excuse us for a second, our inner child is going to have to come out for all this excitement." Sean said as he presses a button, turning on Inner Child Mode. "Holy cow! That was totally wicked!"

"That is the most awesome thing he's done!" The Unusual Suspect cheered.

"Luke has a green lightsaber. I've never seen that before in a Star Wars movie. That is so cool." Sean said, right before turning off Inner Child Mode and going back to normal. "We apologize for our epic freakout of awesomeness, it will never happen again."

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So we see that Luke's got a brand-new lightsaber that he's constructed and he starts wrecking some shit. From what I've read, originally his lightsaber was going to be blue but you won't see it well in the sunlight, so they changed it to green instead. Anyway, back to the action and as awesome as this scene is I have a little nitpick regarding a certain character.**

 **(Boba Fett points his blaster rifle at Luke, then Luke slices the bounty hunter's blaster in half)**

"Boba Fett doesn't get much screen time?" Sean asked.

"Yes. And then this happens." The Unusual Suspect said.

 _ **Han Solo: Boba Fett? Boba Fett? Where?**_

 **(Han hits Boba's jetpack with the butt of an axe, sending him flying out of control and crashing against the hull of Jabba's sail barge and falls into the Sarlacc's mouth. Then we hear the Sarlaac burping)**

"I'm sorry, did I just witness Boba Fett, one of the most awesome characters in the franchise get killed off in the dumbest way possible?" Sean asked.

"Yep." The Unusual Suspect said.

"What the f…" Sean said before cutting to the clip.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You can't be serious, George. Man, fans of Boba Fett must've been pissed. There's an expression that Jeremy Jahns said when he reviewed Return of the Jedi, it's called "Being Boba Fetted".**

 **(A clip from Jeremy Jahns' review of** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Jeremy Jahns: Being Boba Fetted is when someone's a really cool character and they just get taken out like (snaps his fingers) that in the stupidest way possible**_

"Case in point." Sean said.

 **(A clip from Tim Burton's** _ **Batman**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Played by Jack Nicholson): Bob, gun.**_

 **(Bob hands Joker his gun, then Joker shoots Bob)**

"See?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the special edition version of** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I am aware that George Lucas and his team at Lucasfilm added more shots of Boba Fett walking around past the camera. Okay, I get it! He's an awesome character but we don't need to keep cutting back to him standing still and walking past.**

"Question: if Boba Fett was so popular then why did he get killed off in the most stupidest way possible?" Sean asked.

"Just to piss the fans off." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Yeah, you're right. You know, I cannot believe that he had Han accidentally hit Boba in the back and sending him flying to Jabba's barge and get swallowed up into the asshole of the desert." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So after George Lucas pisses us off with Boba Fett getting killed, we get the most satisfying death when Leia takes advantage of the chaos going on and grabs the chain that was bounding her and chokes Jabba to death.**

 **(Leia chokes Jabba to death with her chain and kills him)**

"Fun fact: for the scene where Leia chokes Jabba to death, George Lucas was inspired for that scene from watching _The Godfather_. You know, the scene where Luca gets killed." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After fighting off everybody and seeing C-3PO being useless when Jabba's pet rat attacks him and tries to take his eye out, our heroes escape and Jabba's sail barge blows up in an explosion that would make Michael Bay proud.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating): With Han, Leia, Chewie, Lando and C-3PO meeting up with the Rebel Alliance at the rendezvous point, Luke departs for Dagobah to fulfill a promise to an old friend that he made. Meanwhile back at the Death Star, we see that the Imperials are preparing for the big bad Emperor arriving.**

"And now, rise for the _Imperial March_." Sean said.

 **(The** _ **Imperial March**_ **plays as the Emperor arrives)**

"Best. Scene. Ever." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the Emperor, who is now played by the man who has portrayed the character for the rest of the film series Ian McDiarmid. Before he hams up his performance in** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **, he hams it up to 100 in this one. We learn that the construction of the Death Star is under the Emperor's supervision and him and Darth Vader continue their plan to get Luke to join the dark side.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Patience, my friend. In time, he will seek you out and when he does you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the Force.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: As you wish.**_

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.**_

 **(The Emperor laughs evily)**

"Good god, man. That is the most evil laugh I've ever heard in my life." The Unusual Suspect said.

"I wonder what the stormtroopers in the hangar of the Death Star were thinking after they hear the Emperor laughing." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Emperor Palpatine laughs, then we cut to Sean and Brian as the stormtroopers)**

 **Sean: (as Stormtrooper Fred) Hey, Barn.**

 **Brian: (as Stormtrooper Barney): Yeah, Fred?**

 **Sean: Let me ask you a question. Are we the baddies?**

 **Brian: Nah, we're good. At least. That's what they told us during brainwashing.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Hell, it's like that when someone from corporate shows up at the job I work for. We tend to do some cleaning around the store. So annoying." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Back on Dagobah, Luke returns to complete his Jedi training with Yoda but the old Jedi master isn't looking so well.**

 _ **Yoda (Performed by Frank Oz): When 900-years-old you reach, look as good you not, hmm?**_

"Hey, it all depends. I hope I still look as good when I reach 900. Hopefully." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yoda tells Luke that there is no further training to be required, so there's nothing for him to complete back here.**

"Okay, so Luke is a Jedi knight. Guess he's done, right?" Sean asked.

 _ **Yoda: Not yet. One thing remains- Vader. You must confront Vader.**_

"He must confront Vader? Uh, the last time Luke confronted Vader, this happened." Sean points out.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **shows the scene where Vader cut off Luke's hand)**

"Yeah. You'd think he would relive that moment again and have his hand cut off again? Sean asked.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke asks Yoda if Darth Vader is his father. Yoda does at least confirm that Vader was telling the truth. And before he dies, Yoda tells Luke that there is another Skywalker. And then he dies and disappears just like Obi-Wan Kenobi did back in** _ **A New Hope**_ **.**

"Wait a minute. Something's oddly familiar. We have another Death Star. We're back on Tatooine. The Jedi master dies leaving Luke by himself. Is this a repeat of _A New Hope_. We're seeing this all too familiar stuff again." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke mopes saying that he can't do it alone. Then, a familiar voice says that always be with you. And that voice is none other than Obi-Wan Kenobi's spirit form. And now it's time for some explanation.**

"Okay, you're going to see why Obi-Wan is an asshole because they made him into a liar and he comes up with the dumbest explanation known to man. Let's see what he has to say." Sean said.

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guinness): Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true from a certain point of view.**_

"A certain point of view?!" Sean and The Unusual Suspect both said with a confused look on their faces.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: A certain point of view?**_

"Even Luke thinks you're full of shit." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Dude, you lied to him and left out that valuable piece of information that he learned the hard way and scarred him for the rest of his life. "From a certain point of view…", can you imagine Donald Trump saying that in his speech?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as a reporter interviewing Donald Trump) President Trump, I have a question. Is it true that you're the least racist person in the world?**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (as President Trump) No, I didn't say that I was the least racist person in the world. My tweets from what you have seen were about people of gender and color and yes I offended the women as well. From what I've told you was true, from a certain point of view.**

 **Sean: A certain point of view?**

 **The Unusual Suspect: Yes, a certain point of view.**

 **Sean: But you just said that you were the least racist person in the world. Now, you're just confirming that you're a racist?**

 **The Unusual Suspect: That's what I'm saying.**

 **Sean: Oh, you goddamn racist Republican son of a bitch bastard asshole!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So after Obi-Wan admits that he's fucked up, Luke's gotta leave the Dagobah system and because Luke is an indecisive shit, he can't kill his own father. Oh, don't worry though, Yoda spoke of his twin sister.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: But I have no sister.**_

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Leia! Leia's my sister.**_

"Oh my God! What an amazing surprise! This series just keeps... wait a minute." Sean said then realizes something.

( **We get some** _ **Kill Bill**_ **editing style when clips from** _ **A New Hope**_ **and** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **are shown, showing Leia kissing Luke while Sean makes a shocked expression on his face while the** _ **Ironside**_ **theme by Quincy Brown plays)**

"Oh, my God! They kissed several times! Ewww!" Sean yelled out as we see him and The Unusual Suspect making gagging noises.

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **is shown as we see Peter, Brian, Stewie and Chris vomiting)**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Outsiders**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ponyboy Curtis (Played by C. Thomas Howell): Johnny, I think I'm gonna be sick!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **SpongeBob SquarePants**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mr. Krabs (Voiced by Clancy Brown): I think I'm gonna be sick.**_

"They're twins and she doesn't even know it yet." Sean said.

"I wonder if there's some smutty Luke/Leia fanfics on Fanfiction." The Unusual Suspect said.

"No, no, no! Don't even go there! It's like finding out that Betty and Jughead could be stepsiblings on _Riverdale_ when all this time they were fucking each other the whole time!" Sean exclaimed.

"You wrote some Betty/Jughead smut, did you?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"I did. But this was before I watched the season three finale when that FBI guy Charles Smith revealed to Betty that he's Alice and FP's son and Betty's stepbrother. So technically, that makes Betty and Jughead stepbrother and stepsister." Sean said. "I think. Maybe. How the hell should I know? I should tweet Roberto about that. Okay, enough talking about incest. Let's move on to the next scene."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the Rebel Alliance, where we see that they've gathered here together to reveal plans to attack the brand spanking new Death Star.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We see that Bothan Spy Lady….**

"Mon Mothma." Sean said.

"Whatever. I'm still calling her Bothan Spy Lady." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Oh, Christ." Sean muttered under his breath.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) She tells us that the Bothan spies gave them information on the Death Star and it's location. And also the weapon systems on Death Star II are not yet operational and the Emperor is personally overseeing the final stages of the construction of the Death Star.**

 _ **Mon Mothma (Played by Caroline Blakiston): Many Bothans died to bring us this information.**_

"I guess we won't find out in _Rogue Two: A Star Wars Story_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Admiral Ackbar, played Tim Rose and voiced by the late Erik Bauersfeld, tells the rebels that the Death Star is protected by an energy shield which is generated from the nearby forest moon of Endor. The Empire learned their lesson when the rebels destroyed the first Death Star, just protect it by an energy shield. The shield must be deactivated if the rebels attack and once the shield is down, send some fighters into the Death Star and destroy the main reactor. Lando leads the attack in space while a strike team lands on Endor to deactivate the shield. Han will lead the team but he doesn't have a command crew for the shuttle.**

 **(Chewbacca growls)**

 _ **Han Solo: It's going to be rough, pal. I didn't want to speak for you.**_

 **(Chewbacca growls again)**

 _ **Han Solo: That's one.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: General… count me in.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'm with you, too.**_

"Luke, just because you're a kick-ass Jedi Knight now doesn't mean for you to be fashionably late." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) So, with their team assembled, the mission begins as Lando takes the Millennium Falcon for the Death Star assault.**

 _ **Han Solo: You need all the help you can get. She's the fastest ship in the fleet.**_

 _ **Lando Calrissian (Played by Billy Dee Williams): All right, old buddy. I know what she means to you. I'll take good care of her. She won't get a scratch.**_

Sean raised his eyebrow at the camera.

"Oh, well get to that one soon. Trust me on that one." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Han and Lando say their goodbyes in front of a matte painting of the Millennium Falcon and Han, Luke, Leia and Chewie take the Imperial shuttle to slip past the Imperial fleet but Luke's Jedi senses are tingling.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (Sees Vader's ship) Vader's on that ship.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Now, don't get jittery, Luke. There are a lot of command ships.**_

"Oh, come on. You guys are being set up and you don't even know it yet." Sean said.

 _ **Han Solo: Keep your distance, though, Chewie, but don't look like you're trying to keep your distance.**_

 **(Chewie roars)**

 _ **Han Solo: I don't know. Fly casual.**_

"How do you do that? He's just flying." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Vader senses Luke presence aboard the shuttle and Luke feels like that he's endangering the mission. And I love how masterfully done this scene is. The music build tension, John Williams is on top form again.**

 _ **Admiral Piett (Played by Kenneth Colley): Shall I hold them?**_

 _ **Darth Vader: No. Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself.**_

 **The Unusual Suspect: (V/O as Admiral Piett) What the hell does that supposed to mean?**

 **Sean: (Narrating) They arrive on the forest moon of Endor, accompanied by some rebels. Then, Han, Luke and Leia find some Imperial troopers scouting the area, so Han decides to go down there and ambush them.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Quietly. There might be more of them out there.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Hey, it's me.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker) Why do I get the feeling that Han is going to do something stupid?**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Han goes down there to knock out one of the guards Sam Fisher-style and…**

 **(Han steps on a twig. The Imperial scout trooper spots him and punches Han in the face)**

"Sam Fisher he is not." The Unusual Suspect said, rolling his eyes.

"Sam Fisher can take out a stormtrooper easily by shooting them in the head or just beat the crap out of them very quietly without alerting anyone." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Han is fighting the one scout troopers, Luke and Leia go after the other scout troopers who are going to call for backup. Before the podracing scene in The Phantom Menace, the speeder chase is a cooler action set piece that I absolutely love. The visual effects are outstanding and the sound design is spectacular. Can we give a round of applause to Richard Edlund, Dennis Muren, Ken Ralston, Phil Tippet and the effects team up at ILM for their awesome work for this scene?**

 **(A photo of visual effects artists Richard Edlund, Dennis Muren, Ken Ralson and Phil Tippet are shown)**

"The visual effects team for the original Star Wars trilogy are the real wizards behind the visual effects." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Leia gets thrown off of her speeder and knocked out while Luke goes after the other scout trooper and manages to dispatch him with his lightsaber.**

 **(Luke takes out the scout trooper's speeder bike, causing the scout trooper to crash into a tree)**

 **Sean: (V/O as** _ **Killer Instinct**_ **Announcer) Supreme Victory! Perfect!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke regroups with Han and Chewie when they discover that Leia is missing. Speaking of Leia…**

 **(Suspenseful music is played when a creature walks over to Leia and pokes her with his staff. Leia wakes up and gasps as she sees a small furry creature known as an Ewok)**

"Ugh, Christ!" The Unusual Suspect exclaimed.

"What?' Sean asked.

"The low point of the movie. The Ewoks." The Unusual Suspect said. "We get a tribe of Teletubbies!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Leia wakes up to a very unusual sight when she sees an Ewok named Wicket played by Warwick Davis.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Leprechaun**_ **is showed)**

 _ **Leprechaun (Played by Warwick Davis): (While killing a shopowner by pogoing on his lung and sings) This old Lep, he played one. He played pogo on his lung.**_

"Yep. The same actor who played the killer leprechaun in _Leprechaun_. He played an Ewok in this movie." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) After feeding Wicket with a candy bar… God, this movie is slow! The two of them become fast friends. Then, some scout troopers show up to try to catch Leia.**

"Also, I would like to point out that Leia's blaster is composed of a Vostok Margolin .22LR target pistol with a muzzle attachment fitted. Also, the Imperial stormtroopers' blaster rifles are Sterling L2A3 submachine guns." Sean said.

 **(Wicket hits the scout trooper in the leg with his staff)**

 **Scout Trooper: (Looks down) What the?**

"Isn't that David Lynch's reaction when George Lucas showed him the Ewoks. Also, that was my reaction when I saw the Ewok movies." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Leia takes out two incompetent scout trooper, Wicket takes her somewhere safe. Meanwhile, Vader goes to see the Emperor while he's busy chilling on the observation tower of the Death Star.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: I told you to remain on the command ship.**_

"Wait, is this movie missing a scene before this?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"Yeah. There's a deleted scene before this one and it involved Moff Jerjerrod." Sean said.

 **(A deleted scene from the movie is shown)**

 _ **Moff Jerjerrod: You may not enter.**_

 **(Vader force chokes Moff Jerjerrod)**

 _ **Moff Jerjerrod: (Choking) By the Emperor's command.**_

 **(Vader releases Jerjerrod)**

 _ **Darth Vader: My apologies.**_

"Why couldn't they kept it in the movie?!" The Unusual Suspect said.

"Because George Lucas is an asshole and he likes to cut shit out of the movie." Sean said.

"Right." The Unusual Suspect said.

 _ **Darth Vader: A small rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor.**_

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Yes, I know.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: My son is with them.**_

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Are you sure?**_

 _ **Darth Vader: I have (beep) him, my master.**_

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Strange that I have not.**_

"Oh, Christ! No! No! NO! Let's not make things to creepy!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Darth Vader: He will come to me?**_

"STOP!" Sean yelled out.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Luke and Han continue their search for Leia and they find her helmet. Then, Chewie finds something very unusual.**

 _ **Han Solo: Hey, I don't get it. It's just a dead animal, Chewie.**_

 **(Chewie messes with the dead animal)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Chewie, wait! Wait! Don't!**_

 **(Chewie sets off a trap, which catches them all in a net)**

"Well, no dinner for him." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After R2 frees them all, our heroes end up being surrounded by the furry, cute and cuddly inhabitants of the forest moon of Endor, and this happens.**

 _ **C-3PO: Oh, my head!**_

 **(The Ewoks gasps as they see C-3PO and proclaim him to be a god)**

"They end up worshipping him as a god. And I have to tell you that I find this scene hilarious." Sean said.

"You do know that George Lucas was marketing those little furry things to children? Look how it ended up." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **(A trailer for** _ **The Ewok Adventure**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: Don't miss The Ewok Adventure. Now on videocassette from MGM/UA Home Video.**_

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And this...**

 **(A trailer for** _ **Ewoks: The Battle for Endor**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Wicket (Played by Warwick Davis): Best friend. Best friend.**_

 _ **Announcer: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor.**_

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And this...**

 **(The** _ **Ewoks**_ **cartoon intro is shown)**

We cut to Sean screaming in horror from the two Ewoks movies and the cartoon.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Ewoks take them to their village and they have a nice little community. I like seeing the little Ewok babies, they look so cute. And we also see an Ewok smoking some Endor weed as well. The reason why the Ewoks brought them tied up is because they're about to be the main course at a banquet in C-3PO's honor because the furry little buggers worship him.**

"You're supposed to bring food, not be the food." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) While the Ewoks prepare to make sure that they're not in** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **, Luke and C-3PO work together with Luke using the Force to play angry god mode so the furry bastards can set them free. After they do that, C-3PO fills them in on the situation by going over the entire** _ **Star Wars**_ **series so far. Let's hope that he doesn't tell them about the prequels and the Christmas special.**

 _ **C-3PO: Uta Millennium Falcon ahchiminie Cloud City. (Makes the sound of the roar of the spaceship) Oos nooch Vader. (Makes the sound of Darth Vader's breathing) Han Solo.**_

 **(Chewie roars)**

 **C-3PO: Tiklo carbon!**

"And all of a sudden Michael Winslow is telling the story of Star Wars. I'm just waiting for him to get to the part where he explains about Princess Leia in that bikini." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After this amazing tale, C-3PO convinces the Ewoks that the humans who aren't wearing plastic armor and not shoot straight are their friends and that they must work together to stop the Empire. Except for Luke because he has Vader on his mind. So, Leia checks on him to see what's wrong and we get one of my favorite scenes throughout the whole movie.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Leia, do you remember your mother… your real mother?**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: What do you remember?**_

 _ **Princess Leia: Just images, really. Feelings.**_

"Oh, yeah. Like she could remember her real mother who died from childbirth. Really, Leia? You were just coming out of your mother's vagina when that happened. How can you remember that?" The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke tells Leia that Vader is on this moon and he's felt his presence and that he has to face him. He then tells Leia that Vader is his father and that there's more.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: The Force is strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. And my sister has it. (Looks at Leia) Yes. It's you, Leia.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: I know. Somehow, I've always known.**_

"Oh, really? You've always known. Did you know that you just stuck your tongue inside your twin brother's mouth when you kissed him on Hoth? Did you know that?"

 **(A TV spot for** _ **Star Wars**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. In danger. In love.**_

 _ **Princess Leia Organa: Good Luck.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown, showing the scene where Leia kisses Luke)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Incest.**

 **(Back to the** _ **Star Wars**_ **TV spot)**

 _ **Announcer: In Star Wars. No legendary adventure of the past could be this exciting as this romance of the future. Star Wars rated PG.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) I just love this scene between Luke and Leia. I do appreciate the one-on-one screen time that these two needed to have with the moonlit setting and John Williams' music score. Richard Marquand did a very good job with the film's emotionally driven scenes.**

 _ **Princess Leia: But why must you confront him?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Because… there is good in him. I've felt it. He won't turn me over to the Emperor. I can save him. I can turn him back to the good side.**_

"Okay, back in my _Revenge of the Sith_ review, I asked what is it with the Skywalker family saying that there's still good in him." The Unusual Suspect said, mentioning his review. "The man literally killed children and he helped destroy an entire fucking planet. There is no good left in a man like that."

"Right. And Luke thinks that he's going to turn him back to the good side. How are you going to do that, Luke? Invite him over for root beer floats and have some father-son bonding with each other? Hell, Katie Otto gets along with her daughter better than you two." Sean said.

 **(A clip from the** _ **American Housewife**_ **episode** _ **Grandma's Way**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Katie Otto (Played by Katie Mixon): Don't forget to return your library books today.**_

 _ **Taylor Otto (Played by Meg Donnelly): You have your own bedroom! Why do you have to live up my ass?!**_

"Luke knows that Palpatine's been pulling Vader's strings and playing with his emotions all these years." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Thus, Luke heads off alone to have a little chat with his old man by surrendering to the Empire. Well, let's see how that plan works.**

 _ **Darth Vader: So, you have accepted the truth?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: That name no longer has any meaning for me.**_

"Uh, it wasn't spoiled until the prequel trilogy. Hello?" Sean asked.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I know there is good in you. The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully. That was why you couldn't destroy me.**_

 **(Clips from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **are shown as we see Luke falling into the carbonite chamber, climbing up on wires while Vader tries to kill him, Vader using the Force by throwing things at Luke, Luke flying out of the window and Vader cutting off Luke's hand)**

"Yeah, we see how conflicted he is." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Luke's plan to get Vader to feel the warm, fuzzy feelings inside him doesn't go so well as Vader points out that he will be taking him to the Death Star to stand before the Emperor and turn him to the dark side of the Force. Meanwhile, the Battle of Endor begins as we see Han, Leia, Chewie and the Ewoks getting ready to sneak into the shield generator to bring down the shield while in space Lando and the rebel fleet prepare their final attack on Death Star II.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Endor, our heroes decide to take the back door to the shield generator but an Ewok decides to do some** _ **Grand Theft Auto: Endor**_ **on the scout troopers' asses by stealing one of their speederbikes as a distraction. And then we get this little moment right here.**

 **(Han taps on the scout trooper's shoulder and runs)**

 _ **Scout Trooper: (Turns around and spots Han before running after him) Hey!**_

 **(The scout trooper chases Han and gets captured by rebel commandos)**

"World's dumbest stormtrooper, ever! How can that idiot fall for something like that?" Sean asked.

"Because Sean, the stormtroopers are the biggest plonkers in the Star Wars universe." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) While all that is going on, back on the Death Star, Vader takes Luke to see Emperor Palpatine and boy, isn't he a riot to watch. He's like the best part about this one and the prequel trilogy.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time, you will call me master.**_

"In time, you will become my love slave like your father and you will call me master, you dirty boy." Sean said, imitating Emperor Palpatine.

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: I assure you we are quite safe from your friends here.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.**_

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours.**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker) Heh, faith in yo momma.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (V/O as Emperor Palpatine) What was that?**

 **Sean: (as Luke) I said yo momma's so fat, Jabba the Hutt said "Dayummm"!**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (as Emperor) Well, your mother's so ugly she put the "ug" in 'ugnot'!**

 **(A sound clip from** _ **Robot Chicken**_ **plays as we cut to Darth Vader)**

 _ **Darth Vader (Voiced by Abraham Benrubi): Ah yo momma fight!**_

"Sorry, had to be done." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Emperor Palpatine, having read ahead in the script powers, revealing to Luke that it was him who coordinated the Rebels finding the secret plans and locating the shield generator so that the Alliance can fall into a trap.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: (In an over-the-top manner) Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.**_

We cut to Sean, who's seen laughing from hearing how Ian McDiarmid said his line.

"Okay, that line was so over the top I ended up cracking up every time he says it." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Back on Endor, Han, Leia, Chewie and the rest of the rebels soldiers enter bunker and hold the Imperials hostage, then we get a little cameo from a certain Star Wars crew member.**

 _ **Imperial Officer (Played by Ben Burtt): Freeze!**_

 **(Han throws a box at the imperial officer, causing him to fall to his death)**

"That was Ben Burtt, the movie's sound designer and this was his own take of the Wilhelm scream." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, they end up running into a trap when the Imperials catch them. Back in space, the fleet arrive at the Death Star, a little too easy.**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: How could they be jamming us if they don't know if we're coming. (Realizes something wrong) Break off the attack! The shield is still up.**_

 _ **Wedge Antilles (Played by Denis Lawson): I get no reading. You sure?**_

 _ **Lando Calrissian: Pull up! All craft pull up!**_

"Altogether now." Sean said.

 _ **Admiral Ackbar (Played by Tim Rose and voiced by the late Erik Bauersfeld): It's a trap!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: Arkham Asylum**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): I set a trap and you sprang it glorious!**_

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) While the rebel fleet get surrounded by an armada of Star Destroyers and a Tie squadron, the Emperor decides to screw with Luke for a bit.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: (After Luke looks at his lightsaber) You want this don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Mean Girls**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Regina George (Played by Rachel McAdams): Please stop talking.**_

"Dude, if you want to egg Luke on, you should show him the _Child's Play_ remake." The Unusual Suspect said as the _Child's Play_ poster pops up on the screen.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With our heroes surrounded and captured by the Imperials, all hope is lost. Until the Ewoks jump in and save the day and a big battle starts where we see the stormtroopers getting their asses kicked by the Ewoks. Okay, this is pretty silly looking at this now. Seeing the Emperor's best troops getting their asses kicked by a bunch of cuddly little teddy bears.**

"Oh, great! Now I'm gonna have to play this clip." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Goldbergs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jackie Geary (Played by Rowan Blanchard): In the last movie, there were walking teddy bears.**_

 _ **Adam Goldberg (Played by Sean Giambrone): They're Ewoks! And they helped defeat the damn Empire!**_

"Thanks a lot, movie! I threw in a _Goldbergs_ reference. Christ!" Sean yelled out.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We're constantly jumping back and forth from one battle to another. On the forest moon of Endor, you have the rebels and the Ewoks fighting stormtroopers and AT-STs, in space you have the Millennium Falcon and various X-Wing fighters trying to fight off the Imperial armada and in the Death Star where the Emperor continues to screw with Luke and drops a little bombshell.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: (To Luke) Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.**_

"Huh?" Sean asked.

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Fire at will, Commander.**_

 **(We cut to the Death Star firing on one of the Rebel Alliance's ships, destroying it)**

"What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Lando Calrissian: That blast came from the Death Star. That thing's operational!**_

"Turns out that this battle station that is fully operational can fire a laser that destroys ships. And since the shield is still around it, the Empire's weapons can penetrate through the shield." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Endor, the battle continues as we see Han and Leia trying to get the bunker door open. R2 tries to open the door but ends up getting shot by a stormtrooper. At least he managed to hit something. Then, we see an AT-ST shooting at Ewoks. Now, I'm sure that no Ewoks will be harmed throughout this whole movie.**

 **(An AT-ST shoot at two Ewoks running away, we see an explosion, getting both of them)**

"Holy shit!" Sean and The Unusual Suspect both yelled out.

 **(One of the Ewoks gets up and tries to wake the other up. The other Ewok doesn't move and we see it's friend mourning for him)**

"Well, shi-shit. Things got serious." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Hey, at least he can eat his friend like bears do." Sean said, chuckling a bit while The Unusual Suspect gives him a disturbed look on his face.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Well enough of Sean's dark humor as we cut back to space and the Death Star. Seems that seeing the Death Star firing on the Rebel Alliance is enough to piss Luke off and the Emperor wants him to strike him down.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters: The Video Game**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Peter Venkman (Voiced by Bill Murray): Whoa take a break! Do you ever shut up?**_

 **(Luke force grabs his lightsaber and ignites it while Vader wields his lightsaber. Right when Luke is about to lash out at Emperor Palpatine until Vader deflects his lightsaber while Palpatine laughs)**

"Oh, shit! Now things are about to get real up in this bitch!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Before we watch that awesome lightsaber duel between father and son, we cut back to Endor where Chewie and two Ewoks decide to steal one of the AT-STs from the Imperials and using it against them to turn the tide. Oh, yeah. Director Richard Marquand cameos as an AT-ST controller and gets beaten up by the Ewoks. Back with Han and Leia, they're trying to open the bunker door while getting shot at by stormtroopers who can't aim for shit.**

 **(A stormtrooper manages to shoot Leia in the arm)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! That guy managed to hit something. Okay, we did see one stormtrooper hit R2, but geez! That stormtrooper shot Leia in the arm. Give this man an award.**

 **(Leia hides her blaster)**

 _ **Han Solo: I love you.**_

 _ **Princess Leia: I know.**_

 _ **Stormtrooper: Hands up! Stand up!**_

 **(Leia shoots at the two stormtroopers)**

"Yeah, the award for world's dumbest stormtrooper. Dumbass." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) We cut back on the Death Star, we see father and son having a lightsaber duel while the Emperor tries to encourage Luke to take his aggression out on Vader.**

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme plays while Luke and Vader have their lightsaber duel, then we see Luke jump up onto a balcony)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Your thoughts betray you, Father. I feel the good in you, the conflict.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: There is no conflict.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You couldn't bring yourself to kill me before. I don't believe you'll destroy me now.**_

 _ **Darth Vader: You underestimate the power of the dark side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny.**_

 **(Vader throws his lightsaber at Luke. It misses Luke and knocks the balcony down, taking Luke with it)**

The Unusual Suspect starts chuckling for a bit. "Okay, at this very moment, when he saw Luke taking the high ground, Vader immediately had a flashback to when Obi-Wan got the high ground. And look what happened to him."

 **(A clip from** _ **Revenge of the Sith**_ **is shown as we see Anakin jumping at Obi-Wan, until Obi-Wan cuts off his legs and arm)**

"Yeah, you think that he was going to fall for it again. Well, no. He's not." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Luke Skywalker): It's over, Father. I have the high ground.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (V/O as Darth Vader) Not today, bitch!**

 **(Throws his lightsaber at Luke but misses)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Vader stalks Luke, who's hiding from his old man, so he can let his guard down and senses his son's mind when he finds out this.**

 _ **Darth Vader: Sister. So, you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (Shouts in rage) NEVER!**_

 **(Vader turns and sees Luke. It pauses on Vader)**

 **Sean: (V/O as announcer) It was at that moment that Vader knew he fucked up.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke goes ballistic after bringing his sister Leia into the mix and starts wailing away at Vader. I love the music in this scene. One of the best moments ever. That lightsaber battle is accompanied by a dark choir that is powerful and moving. John Williams is the master in composing music. I love how Vader backs away knowing that he shouldn't have said that about his sister. You knew that he totally fucked up. Luke continues to lash at Vader and ends up cutting off his right hand. Yeah, payback is a bitch.**

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: (Laughs) Good! Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father's place at my side.**_

"Uh, Emperor Palpatine, sir? Shouldn't you say this." Sean asked.

 _ **Emperor Palpatine: Do it.**_

"Yeah, you should've said that so Luke to kill his father." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) But Luke snaps out of it and looks at his robotic hand just like Vader and he realizes that he's becoming just like Darth Vader. So, Luke just retracts his lightsaber and throws it.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I'll never turn to the dark side. You failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.**_

"All right, all right. Let's all chill the fuck out." The Unusual Suspect said, imitating Emperor Palpatine.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Endor, Han and Chewie capture the bunker and blow up the shield generator so the fighters can move in and destroy the Death Star. Speaking of the Death Star, let's check back in on the Death Star as we see that the Emperor's pissed about Luke ruining his big night and months of moments are down in the crapper. So, he has to deal with the young Jedi Knight himself. Hmm, how about a lesson in "Getting Your Ass Kicked 101"?**

 **(Emperor Palpatine fires force lightning against Luke and tortures him)**

 **(A sound clip from the** _ **Family Guy Star Wars**_ **parody** _ **It's a Trap!**_ **is played while Emperor is using force lighting on Luke)**

 _ **Carter Pewterschmidt (Voiced by Seth MacFarlane): (as Emperor Palpatine) Yeah, I'm a bad guy! Yeah! Yeah! How about that? Huh? Look at that? Look what I can do. Oh! Yeah! Out the butthole!**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (While being tortured) Father, please!**_

"Aww, at least Luke is showing some good manners for his father to help him. That's good. But Luke is getting fried by the Emperor, which is bad." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And then we have the most pivotal moment and the best highlight of the film. We see that Vader is conflicted whether to save Luke or continue to serve his Master. This is the same guy that let you kill children. Are you going to stand there and watch him kill your son?**

 **(A clip from the 2011 Blu-Ray version of the movie is shown)**

 _ **Darth Vader: No. No!**_

"Really? Do you have to ruin the moment by playing that clip from the Blu-Ray version? Is that punishment enough?" Sean asked.

"Nope. But when you review the _Star Wars Christmas Special_ , it will be." The Unusual Suspect said.

"I hate you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hearing his son's cries for help, Vader makes his decision and grabs Emperor Palpatine while having a thousand volts of electricity coursing through him. He takes him to a nearby shaft and throws his ass down into the Death Star's reactor.**

 **(Vader throws Emperor Palpatine into the Death Star's reactor)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Emperor Palpatine) I'LL BE IN TOUCH, BITCHES!**

 **(We see an explosion after the Emperor disappears into the abyss)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, playing the janitor again. This time, he is seen mopping the floor until we see Dave, who is playing Emperor Palpatine, landing on the ground)**

 **Sean: Oh, come on! (Starts pushing Palpatine's body away) What are they doing up there all the time? I gotta get that transfer to the Starkiller Base.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Anyway, the father and son are reunited, but the bad news is that Vader's life support systems have been fried to shit, so he's dying. We cut back to the Millennium Falcon and the remaining rebel fighters enter the Death Star to take out the main reactor. I just love how they used some of the music from A New Hope in this scene. Some of the fighters split up to get some of the other Ties off of them and then we get this.**

 **(The Millennium Falcon hits something, knocking off the satellite dish)**

 _ **Lando Calrissian: That was too close.**_

"Didn't Han specifically say not a scratch on the Millennium Falcon?" The Unusual Suspect asked.

"Oh, boy. Han's going to kick Lando's ass." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) And we cannot forget this moment right here which is both silly and awesome.**

 **(The Super Star Destroyer's bridge deflector shields get destroyed)**

 _ **Star Destroyer Controller: Sir, we've lost our bridge deflector shields.**_

 _ **Admiral Piett: Intensify the forward batteries. I don't want anything to get through!**_

 **(An A-Wing flies right towards them)**

 _ **Admiral Piett: Intensify forward firepower!**_

 _ **Imperial Officer: Too late.**_

 **(The A-Wing crashes into the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Admiral Piett) My only regret was not being force choked!**

"Okay, just one fighter and only one fighter crashed into the Super Star Destroyer like a kamikaze pilot." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While evacuating the Death Star, Vader who is dying, has one last request for Luke. Which is to remove his mask so he can see his son's face with his "own eyes". Luke removes the mask and sees his father Anakin Skywalker, who is not David Prowse but is played by the late Sebastian Shaw.**

 _ **Anakin Skywalker (Played by the late Sebastian Shaw): Now go, my son. Leave me.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: No. You're coming with me. I'll not leave you here. I've got to save you.**_

"No, you've got to leave me. I don't want to deal with your emo nephew who'll kill his father and try to kill his mother. Plus, Rian Johnson will ruin _The Last Jedi_ until J.J. Abrams saves us with _The Rise of Skywalker_." Sean said, imitating Anakin Skywalker.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Anakin tells Luke that he was right about him and to tell his sister the same before dying peacefully, leaving Luke to mourn over the death of his father.**

"Hey, at least he's reunited with Padme." The Unusual Suspect said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke manages to escape the Death Star just moments before Lando and Wedge knock out the main reactor in a scene which inspired the true ending to** _ **Star Fox 64**_ **. The Death Star blows up in one of the best explosions ever. Therefore, happy ending! Oh, yeah Leia tells Han that Luke is her brother with Han looking shocked after he saw the two kiss. Luke sets a funeral pyre for the body of his father, who's still in the armor of Darth Vader and the rebels have the greatest victories. Luke reunites with Han, Lando, Chewie, the droids and his sister Leia and the Ewoks while they celebrate.**

"I heard a fan theory that the Ewoks are eating the stormtroopers. But I say that it's not true." Sean said.

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) Hell, even the dead characters return to celebrate this happy ending.**

 **(We see the spirit figures of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and a redeemed Anakin Skywalker. P.S.: It's the Despecialized Version where Sebastian Shaw plays Anakin, not the 2004 special edition version with Hayden Christensen replacing Sebastian Shaw)**

"I'm so glad that you're taking a look at the despecialized version of the film because I do not want to see Hayden Christensen in it." The Unusual Suspect said.

"Same here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes live happily ever after….**

 **(The end credits roll and we see the words "Directed by RICHARD MARQUAND" on the screen)**

"So, that was _Return of the Jedi_ and this was an epic grand finale. Maybe a little too epic." Sean said.

 **(Scenes from the movie are shown once more while the end credits theme for** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **play)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) My only nitpick about the movie was the film's climax. The first film's classic had the Death Star trench run,** _ **Empire**_ **had the escape from Cloud City and Luke's duel with Vader. But in** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **, it gives us three climaxes. You have the Death Star space battle, the Luke/Vader/Emperor duel in the Death Star and the ground assault on Endor. Now, don't get me wrong I like it but it gets a bit jumbled at times.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) The location was not impressive at times. We have Tatooine, which looks way better. We have the Death Star and we've seen the inside of it already and Endor is not too alien enough because you have to deal with the Ewoks.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) As much as I like the Ewoks, to be honest, it was the film's low point which kinda slows the movie down. What I love about the Ewoks were the babies. They look so cute. The visual effects and the creature effects look amazing and John Williams' music score is beautifully composed as always. I can be on my break or bringing in carts at work and listen to the soundtracks by themselves.**

 **The Unusual Suspect: (Narrating) You have video games based on the film released on the Atari which was the Death Star battle. In the 90s, you have** _ **Super Return of the Jedi**_ **on the Super Nintendo, Game Boy and the Sega Game Gear.**

"Dude, seriously. _Super Star Wars Trilogy_ remastered on the PS4, Xbox One and the Nintendo Switch. Make it happen!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Just like** _ **Super Star Wars**_ **and** _ **Super The Empire Strikes Back**_ **were hard as shit but were very playable and have the best graphics. And when the movies were re-released in theaters back in 1997, Sega got their hands on the license and produced the awesome** _ **Star Wars Trilogy**_ **arcade game. It's a 3D on-the-rail shooter and the game was broken up into three individual movies. You have** _ **A New Hope**_ **where you do the Death Star trench run,** _ **Empire Strikes Back**_ **which focused on the Battle of Hoth. Return of the Jedi focused on the speederbike sequence and the second part where you battle over Endor and enter the Death Star. I remember playing the game when I was young. The only part that I played was the** _ **New Hope**_ **segment. Anyway, I consider this one to be my favorite as a kid. If** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is your favorite, you shouldn't feel bad if it's your favorite. It has some great action and Luke being the hero he was meant to be and the best ending. Aside from** _ **Avengers: Endgame, The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King**_ **and** _ **Toy Story 4**_ **having the best endings, they may come close. The movie has a satisfying end to the original trilogy. And yes, I know. We have** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **and** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **and the upcoming** _ **The Rise of Skywalker**_ **in December, which is the finale to the Skywalker saga. Return of the Jedi is getting 4 furry and cuddly Ewoks out of 5.**

"And that's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm The Unusual Suspect." The Unusual Suspect said. "Tune in next time when Sean and I review…"

"Oh, no! This is a one-man show, buddy. I'm reviewing _The Force Awakens_ by myself. I am going to finish The Summer of Star Wars, so buzz off." Sean said.

"Fine. But before I go, I would like to play something." The Unusual Suspect said.

"What is it?" Sean asked.

An evil grin appears on The Unusual Suspect's face as he presses a button, playing the song _Jedi Rocks_.

"No. NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sean screamed out while he runs out of the room.

"I'm the Unusual Suspect and he's Sean the Mayhem Critic and he'll see you guys next time." The Unusual Suspect said before ending the review.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **I am a Jedi, like my father before me.**_

 **And that was** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **. I hope that you all liked this review and little co-review parody with my character and actual online movie critics. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean returns to a galaxy far, far away when he reviews** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **and asks if this was a long-awaited return to a beloved franchise or a cheap way to make money. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Speaking of stories, I will return to my other stories that I'm working on and doing some new one-shots for current shows and other shows. Which M-rated one-shot story do you want me to work on in September? Here's the list:**

 _ **Twisted Love Games**_ **(Danny/Lacey/Jo,** _ **Twisted**_ **)**

 _ **Fetching the Hot Guy**_ **(Taylor/Trip/Charlotte,** _ **American Housewife**_ **/** _ **Coop and Cami Ask the World**_ **)**

 _ **Honeymoon Night**_ **(Ben/Mal,** _ **Descendants**_ **)**

 _ **Attracted to His Sister**_ **(Brie/Taylor,** _ **American Housewife**_ **)**

 _ **Birthday Beck**_ **(Andi/Amber/Jonah,** _ **Andi Mack**_ **)**

 **Which one do you want me to write? Also, in September, I will be finishing up The Summer of Star Wars with The Last Jedi. Or I might finish it this month. In September, here are the films that I will be reviewing:**

 _ **Shazam!**_

 _ **Detective Pikachu**_

 _ **Descendants 3**_

 _ **Who Framed Roger Rabbit**_

 **Hope that you're excited for the upcoming reviews. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	68. TSOSW Part VI: TFA

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **when Sean takes a look at the post-Disney** _ **Star Wars**_ **movies starting with the first film in the new trilogy** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **but the question remains, does it hold up to the original film or is it going to suck like the prequel trilogy? Well, grab yourself a cold one and pop some popcorn and enjoy this review.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **is owned by Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part 6: The Force Awakens**

We open with Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic entering his living room and sitting on the couch. This time, we see that there's something different about our favorite critic. We see that he appears without his trademark glasses.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one… and without glasses because I'm now wearing contacts. Anyway, today I'm continuing… _THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS_!" Sean said in a deep, booming voice before speaking in his normal voice. "Today, we're going to take a look at the post-Disney _Star Wars_ films _Star Wars: The Force Awakens_."

 **(Clips from the film are shown and the** _ **Star Wars**_ **theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 18, 2015. After Disney acquired Lucasfilm in October 2012, this was the first of the** _ **Star Wars**_ **films to have no input from George Lucas. He wrote out plans for episodes VII-IX but Disney threw those ideas out the window, so a new story was penned by** _ **Toy Story 3**_ **screenwriter Michael Arndt. He worked on the script for eight months but he said he needed 18 more. Sadly, Arndt left the project, so J.J. Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan took over script duties and whipped out the first draft of** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **in about six weeks. Several directors were considered to direct** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **, directors like David Fincher, Brad Bird, Ben Affleck and Guillermo del Toro. Then Abrams, who's known for creating the shows** _ **Felicity**_ **,** _ **Alias**_ **,** _ **Lost**_ **and** _ **Fringe**_ **and he directed** _ **Mission: Impossible III**_ **, which was very awesome,** _ **Super 8**_ **,** _ **Star Trek**_ **and** _ **Star Trek Into Darkness**_ **…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek Into Darkness**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Spock (Played by Zachary Quinto): Khan!**_

"Knock it off!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) When we saw the trailer for** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **, fans were hyped as hell. Seeing old, returning characters and returning to a galaxy far, far away. After the movie was released, it made a ton of money. Hey, your movie won't make a ton of money unless it has the name Star Wars and it was the first Star Wars movie in over a decade.** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **takes place a good thirty years after** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **. Unless you want me to talk about the events of** _ **Star Wars Battlefront II**_ **and how we got here but that's for another time. The movie is about an unlikely hero from a desert planet who joins a band of rebels in a world-hopping adventure to stop an evil empire from using their super-secret planet-destroying superweapon…**

"What the? Wait a minute, that's the plot to _A New Hope_ and I already reviewed that one." Sean said as he picked up his Blu-Ray copy of _The Force Awakens_. "No, this says "The Force Awakens". Huh. Well, anyway. Let's return to a galaxy far, far away. This is _Star Wars: The Force Awakens_."

 **(The logo for the 1992** _ **X-Men**_ **cartoon is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) "Previously on X-Men..." we get our opening text. We see that Luke Skywalker decided to get outta dodge right before the Galactic Empire... I mean, the First Order, was formed to track him down and kill him. Why? Because Warner Bros. is doing an adaptation of** _ **The Killing Joke**_ **. Well, he is The Joker and he wanted back in the BTAS universe. I'm kidding Luke is the last Jedi.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and coughs) Oh, bullshit! Princess Leia, who's now a general, leads a Resistance with the support of the Republic in a desperate search to find her brother and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy. After our opening scrolling text, we see a familiar looking battlecruiser looming over the planet Jakku, sending their best stormtroopers down there. Why? Because of something important. We see that Lor San Tekka, played by the great Max von Sydow is handing Poe Dameron, a Resistance pilot, played by Oscar Isaac, some vital information on Luke's whereabouts. But enough about getting to know about the characters because the dreaded First Order is on their way and they start wrecking some shit while Poe and his little adorable droid BB-8 make their way to his X-Wing while a big firefight is going on and I just love this scene and the intense battle scene. While the stormtroopers are raiding the village and shooting at Poe, the heroic pilot has a secret mission for the little droid.**

 _ **Poe Dameron (Played by Oscar Isaac): (To BB-8) You take this. It's safer with you than it is with me.**_

 **(He gives the map to BB-8)**

 _ **Poe Dameron: You get as far away from here as you can. Do you hear me?**_

 **(BB-8 chirps)**

 _ **Poe Dameron: I'll come back for you.**_

"Okay, those are the worst five words in the English language known to man. Trust me, I know. Have you ever watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the** _ **It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia**_ **episode** _ **Thunder Gun Express**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Charlie Kelly (Played by Charlie Day): I'll tell you what? We'll come back for you.**_

 _ **Dee Reynolds (Played by Kaitlin Olson): Yeah.**_

 _ **Mac (Played by Rob McElhenney): That's what I told Dennis and Frank and I was lying.**_

 _ **Dee Reynolds: I know. So are we!**_

 _ **Mac: You sons of bitches!**_

"Hell, Poe's probably lying when he told that BB-8 will be coming back for him." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) BB-8 leaves while Poe stays behind and shoots at some stormtroopers and in the midst of the chaos, one of the stormtroopers raised from birth to kill people sees the horrors of killing people. Oh, yeah. Just to let you guys know that stormtroopers bleed. That's funny because we've never seen stormtroopers bleed in the original trilogy. Anyway, time to introduce the big bad-bad guy of the movie Kylo Ren played by Adam Driver.**

"And when I saw the movie and saw a photo of Kylo Ren, I thought that he was the most awesome character. Probably it's because of his mask and his voice and yes, I did buy the action figure. And when _The Last Jedi_ came out, I bought the action figure of him unmasked and his Tie Silencer." Sean said. "So yeah, he's joining the awesome Star Wars villains like Darth Maul, Count Dooku and Darth Vader."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kylo Ren arrives at the village of Tuanul and interrogates Tekka about the map to Skywalker.**

 _ **Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver) The map to Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order.**_

 _ **Lor San Tekka (Played by Max von Sydow): The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: I'll show you the dark side.**_

"I will show you the movie _BlacKkKlansman_. That will show you the dark side." Sean said imitating Kylo Ren, mentioning the movie which starred Adam Driver.

 _ **Lor San Tekka: You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: You're so right.**_

 **(Ren kills Tekka by striking him down with his lightsaber. Poe shoots at Ren from cover, but Ren freezes the blaster bolt in mid-air with the Force)**

"Kylo Ren managed to kill off Max von Sydow and stop a blaster bolt with the Force. Oh, yeah. He's the most awesome thing about this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Poe ends up getting captured by Ren and his stormtroopers and we get some light-hearted humor from Oscar Isaac.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: (To Kylo Ren) So, who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: The old man gave it to you.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: It's just very hard to understand you with all the…**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: Search him.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: …apparatus.**_

"Hey, after seeing somebody get killed and getting ready to be interrogated, Poe simply manages to make the audience laugh with some humor. Even though he's going to get killed by the First Order." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ren decided to interrogate Poe back on their ship. But what about the villagers?**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Kill them all.**_

"What?" Sean asked.

 **(The First Order stormtroopers aim their blasters at the villagers)**

 _ **Captain Phasma (Played by Gwendoline Christie): On my command.**_

"Isn't a bit drastic? I mean, there's no need to kill the villagers. Think of the innocent women and children." Sean said.

 _ **Captain Phasma: Fire.**_

 **(The stormtroopers massacre the villagers)**

"Uh, why would you kill them all? You do realize that you're gonna miss anyway because we all know that stormtroopers have very shitty accuracy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the horrors of war and death prove too much for a certain stormtrooper by the name of FN-2187, played by John Boyega.**

"Yes! We get a black stormtrooper in a _Star Wars_ movie! My people are proud! Wait, were there any black stormtroopers in the original trilogy or were they just clones of Jango Fett?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Captain Phasma, played by Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie), tells him to submit his blaster for inspection because he didn't fire his blaster and what he did was insubordination and he should be punished. But enough about him, we cut back to Jakku, where we're introduced to a young scavenger who's scavenging some salvage in a downed Star Destroyer.**

"Why is there a downed Star Destroyer in the middle of a desert? Christ, do you want me to talk about the Battle of Jakku from _Star Wars Battlefront II_? Yet, the game was released two years after _The Force Awakens_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the scavenger named Rey, played by Daisy Ridley, heads down do Niima Outpost with her sack of salvage. She goes to Unkar Plutt, played by Simon Pegg…**

 **J.J. Abrams Actor Appearance Counter #1**

 **Sean: (Narrating) …to exchange her scraps for some food. And what does he give her?**

 _ **Unkar Plutt (Played by Simon Pegg): …one quarter portion.**_

"One quarter portion? You cheap bastard! You better get me something more because I need myself a nice, juicy steak." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get a look into Rey's home life as we see that she lives in a downed AT-AT and we see that the food that she eats consists of Insta-Bread.**

 **(We see the bread forming into a bowl)**

"Fun fact: that is not CGI. That was real. The film's special effects supervisor Chris Corbould said that Rey's Insta-Bread took an insane amount of time to produce. That is a pretty impressive effect. Chris Corbould gets a gold star." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While enjoying her meal and playing around with a Rebel helmet, she comes across some scavenger who's messing around with BB-8. So, Rey tells the scavenger to let the expensive-looking droid go and we get this adorable little moment.**

 **(BB-8 chirps happily and tries to follow Rey)**

 _ **Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): Don't follow me. Town is that way.**_

 **(BB-8 sighs and chirps)**

 _ **Rey: No!**_

"Oh, come on. Look at him. He's a little adorable ball of joy. Either that or she don't like balls." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, Rey allows BB-8 to follow her around. Back with the First Order and in their awesome looking Resurgent-class Star Destroyer Finalizer, Poe is being tortured by Kylo Ren for vital information for the map to Skywalker. But he has a certain Force power to get into someone's mind and probe the information out of them.**

 **(Ren uses his mind probe Force power to pry the information from Poe's mind)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Where is it?**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: (Straining) The Resistance… will not be intimidated by you.**_

 **Kylo Ren: (Continues to us his mind probe Force power on Poe) Where… is it?**

 **(Poe grunts and yells)**

"I think that was Oscar Isaac's reaction to being cast as Apocalypse in _X-Men: Apocalypse_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After interrogating Poe, Kylo Ren tells General Armitage Hux, played by Bill Weasley himself Domhnall Gleeson, that the map to Skywalker is in BB-8.**

 _ **General Hux (Played by Domhnall Gleeson): Well, then, if it's on Jakku, we'll soon have it.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: I leave that to you.  
**_

"Throughout this review, I will be calling General Hux "Lil' Hitler". You'll see why I'm calling that character that. Plus, Domhnall Gleeson hams up his acting in this movie and _The Last Jedi_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on Jakku, Rey and BB-8 arrive at Niima Outpost to haul more scavenged salvage to Unkar Plutt and we learn a little something about Rey.**

 _ **Rey: I know all about waiting.**_

 **(BB-8 chirps inquisitively)**

 _ **Rey: For my family. They'll be back. One day.**_

"You think that your family will be back for you? Here's what I think happened to your family." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman '89**_ **is shown as we see Bruce's parents getting shot by young Jack Napier)**

"Yeah. That's probably what happened to your parents. I don't think that they'll be coming back for you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it looks like Rey gets to eat when Unkar offers her a shitload of money in exchange for the little droid that she just met and had no idea where he came from.**

 _ **Rey: Actually… The droid's not for sale.**_

"Besides, we need that little droid for the movie. He's important plot relevance. Also, he's adorable!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Unkar is livid about Rey turning down his offer and sinisterly plots to get the droid from her. Back on the Star Destroyer Finalizer, FN-2187 decides to be good and rescues Poe so they can make their escape.**

 _ **FN-2187 (Played by John Boyega): This is a rescue. I'm helping you escape. Can you fly a TIE fighter?**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: You're with the Resistance?**_

 _ **FN-2187: What? No, no, no. I'm breaking you out. Can you fly a TIE fighter?**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: I can fly anything. Why? Why are you helping me?**_

"Because the plot told him too and people are writing naughty fanfiction about you two." Sean said.

 _ **FN-2187: Because it's the right thing to do.**_

"Well, that's close enough." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the two of them steal a TIE fighter to make their escape. With Poe flying and FN-2187 manning the turrets, they're home fr…**

 **(They try to fly the TIE fighter out of the hangar of the Star Destroyer, but it can't fly out because of the tether cable on it)**

"Okay, why the hell is there a tether on a TIE fighter? Were the First Order afraid that somebody might jack one of their TIE fighters and go out on a joyride?" Sean asked.

 _ **First Order Officer (Played by Thomas Brodie-Sangster): We have an unsanctioned departure from bay two.**_

"And we get a little cameo from Thomas Brodie-Sangster, the voice of Ferb from Disney's _Phineas and Ferb_. And he is also famous for…" Sean said.

 **(A clip from the fourth season of** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown, showing Thomas Brodie-Sangster's character Jojen Reed getting stabbed to death by a Wight)**

"Yeah. That show. Great, you have two actors from _Game of Thrones_ and one of them survived 8 seasons." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, FN-2187 start wrecking some shit by shooting at the First Order stormtroopers before they fly outta there and destroying some of the Star Destroyer's cannons and FN-2187 and Poe make introductions.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: Hey, what's your name?**_

 _ **FN-2187: FN-2187.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: F… What?**_

 _ **FN-2187: That's the only name they ever gave me.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: Well, I ain't using it. F-N, huh? Finn. I'm gonna call you Finn. Is that all right?**_

 _ **Finn: Finn. Yeah. Finn, I like that. I like that.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: I'm Poe. Poe Dameron.**_

"Uh, guys. No time for introductions. You have the First Order on your tail and that their getting ready to use their ventral cannons to shoot you down." Sean said.

 _ **General Hux: Fire.**_

 **(The Star Destroyer fires it ventral cannons at the TIE fighter)**

"Told ya." Sean said.

 _ **Finn: Where are we going?**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: We're going back to Jakku. That's where.**_

 _ **Finn: No, no, no. We can't go back to Jakku. We need to get out of this system.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: I gotta get my droid before the First Order does.**_

 _ **Finn: What, a droid?**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: That's right. He's a BB unit, orange and white. One of a kind.**_

 _ **Finn: I don't care what color he is! No droid can be that important.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: This one is, pal!**_

 _ **Finn: We gotta get as far away from the First Order as we can. We go back to Jakku, we die.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: That droid has a map that leads straight to Luke Skywalker.**_

 _ **Finn: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!**_

"Who cares about Luke Skywalker? I don't! We don't need a map." Sean said, imitating Finn.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Finn and Poe end up getting shot down by the First Order and they crash land on Jakku. With Finn ejecting from the TIE fighter. Poe however…**

 **(He finds Poe's jacket and grabs it, but the fighter sinks into the sand. Then, the Super Mario Bros. death sound starts playing right when the TIE fighter sinks into the sand)**

"Oh, well. I'm sure he'll be alright." Sean said.

 **(The TIE fighter explodes into the sand)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. McCoy (Played by the late DeForest Kelley): He's dead, Jim.**_

 **(The theme to** _ **Lawrence of Arabia**_ **plays while Finn walks through the desert)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) All by himself and ditching his stormtrooper armor. Finn wanders through the desert thirsting for water while I am tempted to make an** _ **Uncharted 3**_ **joke until he arrives at the Niima Outpost and asks for some water until he finds an animal trough where a giant pig alien is drinking water. But his thirst quenching moment is interrupted when he notices some thugs trying to steal BB-8. BB-8 notices Finn wearing Poe's jacket and then this happens.**

 _ **Rey: (Sees Finn) Him?**_

 **(BB-8 chirps as Rey runs after him)**

"Damn! She must really want some of Finn's Vitamin D." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rey attacks Finn and her and BB-8 assume that he's a thief. After Finn explains to them that Poe Dameron is his friend and that he died, they jump to an even more conclusion.**

 _ **Rey: So you're with the Resistance?**_

 _ **Finn: Obviously. (Gets up from off of the ground) Yes, I am. I'm with the Resistance, yeah. (Whispers) I am with the Resistance.**_

"Dude, chill out. Are you trying to get laid here?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Finn explains to Rey what's going on, the First Order shows up and in record time. I guess Rey's boss trying to get that droid by any means necessary is a really bad business idea because they start shooting up the marketplace and we see how horrible shots they are.**

 _ **Rey: (While Finn is holding her hand) Let go of me!**_

 _ **Finn: Come on, we gotta move!**_

 _ **Rey: I know how to run without you holding my hand!**_

"Did you hear that?! She's not a helpless princess! She knows how to take care of herself! She isn't a Mary Sue, not like that Leia chick!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The First Order calls in an air strike by having TIE fighters destroying some shit. Well, the best thing to do is to lose them in a ship. Unfortunately, their preferred ship blows up and their stuck with a piece of junk. And that piece of junk happens to be the Millennium Falcon. Hell, Rey pilots the Falcon like a boss because she's a professional. Finn, who's raised from birth to become a soldier tries to work the turret which ends up getting stuck in a tactical position while Rey pulls off some of her awesome flying skills by flying through a downed Star Destroyer and then we get the most awesome stunt ever.**

 **(Rey turns off the Falcon's thrusters, giving Finn a clear shot at the TIE fighter, shooting at it and destroying it before she turns the thrusters back on)**

 _ **Finn: Whoo!**_

"Okay, that was pretty awesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Star Destroyer Finalizer, one of the First Order lieutenants Dopheld Mitaka, played by Sebastian Armesto, updates Kylo Ren on the progress of capturing the droid.**

 _ **Lieutenant Mitaka (Played by Sebastian Armesto): …we were unable to acquire the droid on Jakku.**_

 **(Kylo Ren turns to Lt. Mitaka)**

 _ **Lieutenant Mitaka: It escaped capture aboard a stolen Corellian YT model freighter.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: The droid stole a freighter?**_

 _ **Lieutenant Mitaka: Not exactly, sir. It had help. We had no confirmation but we believe FN-2187 may have helped in the escape.**_

 **(Ren activates his lightsaber and starts lashing out in a fuel-raged tantrum, slashing an instrument panel)**

We cut back to Sean, who's busy chuckling a bit. "Sorry about that. But seeing Kylo Ren throwing a temper tantrum like a three-year-old has to be the most hilarious moment ever."

 _ **Kylo Ren: Anything else?**_

 _ **Lieutenant Mitaka: The two were accompanied by a girl.**_

 **(The screen turns black and white and we freeze on Lt. Mitaka)**

 **Sean: (as Announcer) It was at that moment that Mitaka knew he fucked up.**

 **(Kylo Ren uses the Force to pull Mitaka by his throat across the room and chokes him with his bare hands)**

"Jesus!" Sean yelled out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Regular Show**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Mordecai (Voiced by J.G. Quintel): (Crosses his arms at Rigby): You pissed me off.**_

"You know, it's weird that he doesn't kill the officers like Vader did, he just destroys their equipment." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Millennium Falcon, we see that the ship breaks down and is in need of some major repairs. Rey wants to go to the Resistance base and asks Finn where it is, so he must extract the information from BB-8**

 _ **Finn: (To BB-8 and whispers) All right, between us I'm not with the Resistance, okay?**_

 **(BB-8 backs away a bit)**

 _ **Finn: I'm just trying to get away from the First Order. But you tell us where the base is, I'll get you there first. Deal?**_

 **(BB-8 tilts his head)**

 _ **Finn: Droid, please!**_

"Look, I'm trying to get laid here and Rey's looking sexy as fuck, so please don't ruin this for me." Sean said, imitating Finn.

 **Sean: (Narrating) BB-8 tells her that the Resistance base is on the Ileenium system and BB-8 is okay with deception. But they're going to have to wait to get there because the ship gets caught in a tractor beam by a freighter. Thinking that it's the First Order out to get them, our heroes hide in the compartment. But who's out to get them?**

 **(We see that the former owners of the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo and Chewbacca, are boarding the ship)**

 _ **Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): (Smiles) Chewie, we're home.**_

 **(Chewie growls)**

"Now get rid of the Dr. Pepper cherry cans and wipe your feet. You weren't raised in a barn. And clean up after yourself after you finish taking a shower." Sean said, imitating Han Solo.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's none other than Han Solo and Chewbacca, played once again by Harrison Ford and the late Peter Mayhew. Also, Joonas Suotamo played Chewbacca as well in more scenes. But hey, Han's not an asshole considering he doesn't mind it when he finds that two ship thieves. And Rey fangirls about being in the Millennium Falcon and seeing Han Solo.**

 _ **Rey: This is the Millennium Falcon? You're Han Solo?**_

 _ **Han Solo: I used to be.**_

 _ **Finn: Han Solo, the Rebellion general?**_

 _ **Rey: No, the smuggler.**_

 _ **Finn: Wasn't he a war hero?  
**_

**(Chewie grunts)**

 _ **Rey: This is the ship that made the Kessel Run in 14 parsecs?**_

 _ **Han Solo: Twelve! (Scoffs) Fourteen.**_

"Nice to see Harrison Ford play one of the roles that made him big once more. Now, if only they get him to play as Jack Ryan once more if they do a film adaptation of Tom Clancy's _Debt of Honor_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I just love how Harrison Ford enters the cockpit and smiles. I bet ya he had the same smile when he put on the fedora once more in** _ **Kingdom of the Crystal Skull**_ **. Anyway, Han's not amused to join any resistance any time soon because all that is going to have to wait because he's hauling Rathtars on this freighter. Oh, and there's a little issue involving a crime gang tracking him down.**

"Wait, what's a Rathtar?" Sean asked.

 _ **Han Solo: They're big and they're dangerous.**_

 _ **Finn: You ever heard of the Trillia Massacre?**_

 _ **Rey: No.**_

 _ **Finn: Good.**_

"Trillia Massacre? Did it involve a bunch of furry little fuzzballs. No, wait. That was Star Trek. Wait, did it involve two hot chicks scissoring like what I saw Celeste Star and Kayden Kross did in that lesbian video? Wait, that's tribbing. How the hell should I know what the Trillia Massacre is?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han tells Rey and Finn to hide while he attempts to talk his way out of having a confrontation with the leader of the Guavian Death Gang Bala-Tik, played by Brian Vernel.**

 _ **Bala-Tik (Played by Brian Vernel): We want our money back now.**_

 _ **Han Solo: You think hunting Rathtars is cheap? I spent that money.**_

"I spent that money on All Girl Massage, Brazzers, Reality Kings videos and Girlsway lesbian DVDs. What did you expect? I love watching hot girl-on-girl action. And boy, when I saw Abella Danger and Molly Stewart going to town on each other, I definitely shot first." Sean said with a naughty smirk while imitating Han Solo.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Kanjiklub shows up and their leader Tasu Leech, played by professional martial artist Yayan Ruhian, wants his money as well.**

 _ **Han Solo: Boys, you're both gonna get what I promised. Have I ever not delivered for you before?**_

 _ **Bala-Tik: Yeah.**_

 _ **Tasu Leech (Played by Yayan Ruhian): (Speaking in alien dialect): Twice!**_

 **(Chewie nods his head)**

"Han, buddy. The Kanjiklub crime gang is composed of two of the actors from _The Raid 2_." Sean said as a photo of Yayan Ruhian as Tasu Leech and Iko Uwais as Razoo Quin-Fee and their characters Rama and Prakoso from _The Raid 2_ pops up next to Sean. "So yeah, I suggest that you give them what they want before they end up fucking you up big time."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Bala-Tik recognizes the BB unit and say that the First Order is looking for a droid just like it and two fugitives. Hey, Han mentioned something about carrying some Rathtars aboard this vessel so while messing with the fuses, Rey accidentally releases the Rathtars and now it's time to get the hell out of here when the tentacled monsters in question start taking out the gangs. And now it's time to use the Millennium Falcon to escape. In the midst of the chaos, Chewie gets into a shoot-out with the thugs while Han tries to get the door open.**

 **(One of the thugs manage to hit Chewie in the arm. Chewie roars)**

 _ **Han Solo: Chewie!**_

"One guy managed to hit Chewie in the arm, and he wasn't a stormtrooper." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And our heroes manage to escape the Rathtar mayhem and the gangs. We cut to** **the Starkiller Base, a base named after Luke's original surname which was "Luke Starkiller" and the name of a character in The Force Unleashed, we see that Kylo Ren and Lil' Hitler are speaking with Supreme Leader Snoke, played by prolific CGI Mo-Cap actor Andy Serkis and...**

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke (Played by Andy Serkis): If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise.**_

"Holy shit! That's the new emperor for the movie? That guy's fucking huge!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **General Hux: Supreme Leader, I take full responsibility…**_

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: (Gets up from off of his throne) General!**_

"Yikes!" Sean exclaimed as he sits back in fear.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from him being intimidating as hell,** **we see that the Supreme Leader has read** **ahead-in-the-script powers and reveals some shocking information for the audience.**

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon in the hands of your father... Han Solo.**_

"What?!" Sean exclaimed as he removes his glasses from off of his face, then realizes that he's wearing contacts before throwing his glasses away. "What?!"

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon in the hands of your father... Han Solo.**_

"Kylo Ren is Han Solo's son?" Sean asked.

"This is much better than Legends. Think the big issue it had was too many authors, and no way to figure out what worked and what didn't." Brian said.

 _ **Kylo Ren: By the grace of your training, I will not be seduced.**_

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: We shall see. We shall see.**_

 **(We see that Snoke was a large remote hologram projection)**

"Oh, piss off, movie! You made me think that he was big and intimidating." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **WWE Raw**_ **is shown, showing Kurt Angle's entrance while the audience chants "You Suck")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back on the Millennium Falcon, we see that the ship is still acting up and they might not make it because of it's hyperdrive acting up, but Rey and her knowledge of ships bypasses the compressor and fixes the issue while Finn patches up Chewie.**

 **(While Finn is attempting to bandage Chewie's arm, Chewie roars at BB-8. The little droid yelps and rolls away)**

 _ **Han Solo: You hurt Chewie, you're gonna deal with me!**_

 _ **Finn: Hurt him? He almost killed me six times!**_

 **(Chewie grabs Finn by his throat)**

 _ **Finn: (Choking) Which is fine!**_

"Be careful, Finn. Wookie's are known for ripping off someone's arms. Trust me, I know. I've seen that happen. Not a pretty sight." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Rey fixes up the problem and shows up one of the original cast members, Han tells them that the Jedi, the Force and all that good stuff is 100% real right before they arrive at planet Takodana.**

"Planet Takodana. Sounds like the name of a Mexican restaurant from where I live." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not the name of a Mexican restaurant, it's a lush, forest planet. But before they see an old friend of Han's, Han gives Rey a blaster.**

 _ **Rey: I think I can handle myself.**_

 _ **Han Solo: I know you do. That's why I'm giving it to you. Take it.**_

 **(Rey points her blaster)**

 _ **Han Solo: You know how to use one of those?**_

 _ **Rey: Yeah. You pull the trigger.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Little bit more to it than that.**_

"He has to give her a little lesson on how to properly use a blaster that way she won't act like a complete idiot while using it. Hell, she might end up hitting BB-8." Sean said. "Or she might accidentally shoot you in the face with it like what Dick Cheney did when he accidentally shot his hunting buddy in the face."

 **Sean: (Narrating) They enter a castle which is the new version of the Cantina scene from A New Hope and they bump into this movie's version of Yoda, Maz Kanata voiced by Lupita Nyong'o from** _ **Black Panther**_ **, and ask for her guidance. Speaking of guidance, we check back in with Kylo Ren as we see him in his meditation chamber and seeks guidance from someone from the past.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Show me again, the power of the darkness, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me… Grandfather… and I will finish… what you started.**_

 **(Kylo Ren walks away and we see Darth Vader's burned helmet)**

"How the hell did he manage to get Vader's helmet? I swear if he pulls a Cheryl Blossom." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han talks to Maz and tells her that the droid is carrying a map to Skywalker and that they need to get the droid to Leia.**

 _ **Maz Kanata (Voiced by Lupita Nyong'o): Han. (Speaks alien dialect) Go home.**_

"Well, that trip was completely worthless. Guess I'll go home now. Bye!" Sean said as he got up from off of the couch and leaves the room.

 _ **Finn: There is no fight against the First Order. Not one we can win. Look around. There's no chance we haven't been recognized already. I bet you the First Order is on their way right…**_

 **(Finn sees that Maz is messing with her goggles)**

 _ **Finn: What's this? What are you doing?**_

"Oh, boy. Maz is being weird again. I knew this was such a bad idea." Sean said, imitating Han Solo.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But things aren't all hunky dory in the hood when Finn decides that he's had enough and get the hell away from the First Order as far away as possible.**

"Because really, in order for the hero's journey to work, you have to refuse call. You pussy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. By the way, Rey. I lied about being in the Resistance because I was a stormtrooper but I made a choice. And the reason why I said that I was in the Resistance is because I find you hot like Dillion Harper and I want to bone you. After Finn decides to GTFO, Rey hears a voice, feeling her Force senses tingling when she heads downstairs and finds what's in the box. Which is a lightsaber that belonged to Anakin and Luke. And then we get a series of trippy visions of Cloud City, Kylo Ren and the Knights of Ren and Young Rey.**

"Either those visons were trippy or just nightmare fuel that would scar a kid for life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Maz believes that Rey is ready to face those demons and save the galaxy.**

 _ **Maz Kanata: I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes. Feel it. The light, it's always been there. It will guide you. The saber. Take it.**_

 _ **Rey: I'm never touching that thing again.**_

"Isn't that what my girlfriend said to me after sex?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Rey refuses the call after that horrific vision. Hey, they need some great tragedy in order for them to get back on track. Meanwhile at the Starkiller Base, the First Order are preparing to charge up their superweapon. But before we see the power of this deadly battle station, General Hux has to make his epic bad guy speech.**

 _ **General Hux: This fierce machine which you have built upon which we stand will bring an end to the Senate! To their cherished fleet! All remaining systems will bow to the First Order! And will remember this as the last day of the Republic!**_

 **(The First Order stormtroopers and officers raise their fists in salute)**

"Okay, I just love how Hitler-esque that they made General Hux in this one. And you want to know what's missing for the character? A Hitler mustache to add to this character." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They fire that bad boy up and this movie's version of the Death Star is so powerful, in can fire multiple shots through hyperspace, destroying an entire planetary system, including the heart of the Republic.**

 **(We see that Hosnian Prime, the capital of the New Republic, getting obliterated in one fell swoop)**

"I feel a great disturbance in the Force. Almost as if a great deal of script pages were copied and pasted. Either that or it's bacon cheeseburger from Five Guys Burgers and Fries." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No joking aside, this is one of the best scenes ever. John Williams is on point.** _ **The Starkiller**_ **track is a tragic sounding piece as you see the planets getting destroyed. The scene is genuinely haunting, beautiful and heartbreaking. Watching this scene and seeing the powerlessness of the victims struck me hard. Aside from John Williams' music, I especially enjoyed the cinematography from Dan Mindel. I just loved seeing General Hux with the light from the laser on his face before we cut to Kylo Ren watching the beams as they shoot by. That is amazing cinematography. After the destruction of Hosnian Prime, the First Order arrives and start destroying some shit while Kylo Ren goes after Rey. But don't worry though, we see that Han and Finn are getting ready to take on the First Order but Maz wants to give them the lightsaber first.**

 _ **Maz Kanata: (Pulls out the lightsaber) Kept it locked away.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Where'd you get that?**_

 _ **Maz Kanata: A good question. For another time.**_

"Yeah, I'm curious to know where the hell did she get the lightsaber from. Didn't Luke lose it and his hand on Cloud City during his duel with Vader?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rey tries to fend off some of the stormtroopers in the woods while Han, Chewie and Finn take on the stormtroopers at the castle. And I would be a monster if I don't talk about this little moment.**

 _ **FN-2199: Traitor!**_

 **(FN-2199 throws down his blaster and shield and wields a Z6 riot control baton and fights Finn, who's wielding the lightsaber)**

"Hey, the stormtroopers can't aim for shit but these baton-wielding guys sure can fight." Sean said.

 **(FN-2199 gets shot by Han, who's using Chewbacca's bowcaster)**

"Only for him to get his ass shot by the OG Solo." Sean said as he slaps his forehead in annoyance.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the Resistance arrives to fight the first order in an intense and awesome battle sequences ever. Meanwhile, Rey runs into Kylo Ren and Force probes her mind for the map. So, he kidnaps her until Han witnesses his son. But wait, it's tie for Han to reunite with Leia, played by the late Carrie Fisher. That is until their reunion is interrupted by this golden metallic dildo.**

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Goodness! Han Solo! It is I, C-3PO. You probably don't recognize me because of the red arm.**_

"Ugh. Fuckin' C-3PO. Han and Leia were trying to have a moment here. Jesus." Sean said.

 _ **Han Solo: You changed your hair.**_

 _ **General Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): Same jacket.**_

 _ **Han Solo: No, new jacket.**_

"Ruining the moment aside, it's great seeing Anthony Daniels again." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han tells Leia that he saw their son and that he was here. Then we cut the Resistance base on D'Qar and Finn reunites with Poe and asks for his help when he takes him to Leia and Finn tells her and the Resistance about the Starkiller Base and what he knows. Back on the Starkiller Base, Rey is about to be interrogated by Kylo Ren and we see what he really looks like underneath that helmet.**

 **(Kylo Ren takes off his helmet. The love theme from** _ **Dumb and Dumber**_ **starts playing as Rey sees what he looks like)**

"Damn! She definitely wants the "D" from the dude from _Girls_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah. Kylo Ren is not an alien or some hairy-looking creature, he's just a good-looking guy. Thus, giving birth to Reylo fanfics and naughty Reylo drawings.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: You know I can take whatever I want.**_

"Her virginity?" Sean asked.

 **(Kylo Ren tries to Force probe Rey's mind)**

"Or just look into Rey's mind with the Force." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Jedi Knight tries to Force finger her mind for the information he needs on the location of Skywalker, but things aren't going according to plan when he has a difficult time trying to get inside Rey's panties… I mean, mind!**

 _ **Rey: You. You're afraid. That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.**_

 **(Ren stops reading Rey's mind)**

Sean starts laughing a bit. "Okay, why does it look like he's about to start crying and run to Supreme Leader Snoke?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, he does and Snoke is not too happy because he found out that he got the girl instead of the droid because he was sure to extract the map from her memory because big shock… she's got the Force. Yeah, she never knew it till now but it turns out that she's Force sensitive and despite her lack of Jedi training, Rey is able to do the Jedi mind trick on an idiotic stormtrooper, giving her a chance to escape.**

 _ **Rey: (After the stormtrooper opens the door) And you'll drop your weapon.**_

 _ **First Order Stormtrooper: And I'll drop my weapon.**_

 **(The stormtrooper drops his weapon)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hermione Granger (Played by Emma Watson): What an idiot.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And when Kylo discovers that Rey escaped, he takes it quite literally well.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: No.**_

 **(He activates his lightsaber)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: (Yelling) Guards!**_

 **(Kylo Ren starts slashing at the empty restraint chair, then we cut to two stormtroopers walking in the hallway and notice Kylo having another fit of rage before walking away)**

"Okay, I just love how those two stormtroopers casually just walked away. I wonder what the two of them were talking about while all this is happening." Sean said.

 **(The scene is shown again)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Stormtrooper #1) Did you see that guy try to face off against FN-2187 in a lightsaber duel? He ended up getting… (Stops and notices Kylo having another fit) Whoa!**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Guards!**_

 **Brian: (V/O as Stormtrooper #2) Should we go see what he wants?**

 **Sean: No. Just walk away, Jonah. We didn't see anything.**

 **Brian: Now he's mad.**

 **Sean: You think?  
**

**Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Starkiller Base is charging up it's weapon by using the power of the sun, draining it until it disappears. So, the Resistance plan their attack on the base.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: So we disable the shields, we take out the oscillator and we blow up their big gun.**_

"Hey, the Empire built a gigantic superweapon with a weak spot that a small band of rebels can exploit the whole thing and blow it up. This is A New Hope all over again. Seriously?!" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Resistance gets ready to go into action with Han, Finn and Chewie volunteering to disable the shield from the inside of the base and before they leave, Han and Leia have their little moment together.**

 _ **Han Solo: It wasn't all bad, wasn't it. Huh? Some of it was… good.**_

 _ **General Leia Organa: Pretty good.**_

 **(Han chuckles)**

 _ **Han Solo: Some things never change.**_

 _ **General Leia Organa: True. You still drive me crazy.**_

"Yeah, I remember the time when we had sex to _Yub Nub_ and made Kylo. I definitely shot first inside you. That was some great times." Sean said, imitating Han Solo.

 **(Han hugs Leia)**

 _ **General Leia Organa: If you see our son… bring him home.**_

"And please, don't die. I'm not saying that you're gonna die but please no dying. We need you to get home safely." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And so the Battle of Starkiller Base begins as Han does something that almost kills him, Chewie and Finn by going through the base's shields at lightspeed and making a rough landing.**

"I told you, never let Harrison Ford fly anything." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that rough landing, Finn, Han and Chewie prepare to sneak into the main base and they end up capturing Captain Phasma and we get this funny little bit.**

 _ **Captain Phasma: FN-2187.**_

 _ **Finn: Not anymore. The name's Finn and I'm in charge. I'm in charge now, Phasma. I'm in charge.**_

 _ **Han Solo: Bring it down. Bring it down.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Captain Phillips**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Muse (Played by Barkhad Abdi): Look at me.**_

 _ **Captain Richard Phillips (Played by Tom Hanks): Sure.**_

 _ **Muse: I'm the captain now.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) They get Phasma to lower the shields and they throw her in the garbage chute. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! They just killed off the most awesome looking character of the movie. So now, a big battle filled with explosions start as the Resistance begin their attack on the base. Back to Han and Finn, they bump into Rey and they get ready to plant thermal detonators inside the base and while doing so, Han manages to find his son at last.**

 _ **Han Solo: Ben!**_

 **(Kylo turns and sees his father)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.**_

"What have I told you, Ben? No staying up past midnight, no dark side, no killing Max von Sydow and no destroying planets. Ben Solo, you are so grounded! Your mother and I were worried sick!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Han Solo.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Han attempts to get his son to reject Snoke and return to the light side of the Force. Look, I know that Lawrence Kasdan wrote the script and him and Harrison Ford had a disagreement on killing off Han Solo in** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **. There's no way that they're going to…**

 **(Kylo ignites his lightsaber through Han's torso)**

 **(Finn gasps and Chewie howls)**

 _ **Rey: No!**_

"What the shit?!" Sean yelled out in shock.

 _ **Kylo Ren: Thank you.**_

 **(Han strokes Kylo's face for the last time, then falls to his death)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, playing the janitor once again and we see him mopping the floor and whistling until we see Adam, who's playing Han Solo, falling to his death and lands down on the ground in front of him)**

 **Sean: Oh, for the love of… COME ON! I gotta get that transfer to the Supremacy.**

 **(He starts mopping Adam away)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

"Jesus, what a kick to the nuts for every _Star Wars_ fan. Seeing this beloved character that we all love getting the axe. At work, my friend Amanda was pissed off at the movie for killing off Han Solo and she said that she will never watch another _Star Wars_ movie because of that scene. I think we can all blame Lawrence Kasdan for making that happen. Thank you, Lawrence." Sean said before pulling out his green lightsaber and going into a fit of rage. "YOU SCREENWRITING BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Brian and Taylor enter the living room to try to restrain a lightsaber-wielding Sean.

"Sean, put the lightsaber down before you kill somebody with it!" Brian exclaimed.

"I will become the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy and I will kill the shit out of you!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that painful blow and after Chewie giving Kylo a painful blow to the abdomen with the bowcaster, they detonate the charges and we get explosions galore as Finn and Rey run into Kylo Ren, with Kylo Force pushing Rey into a tree and…**

 _ **Kylo Ren: (Yelling) Traitor!**_

"Oh, Christ. Now, Kylo Ren is turning into that stormtrooper." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Rey knocked out, it's just Finn and Kylo Ren in the Dark Forest and they're about to have an epic lightsaber duel.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: That lightsaber. It belongs to me.**_

 _ **Finn: Come get it.**_

 **(The screen turns black and white and we freeze on Finn)**

 **Sean: (v/o as Morgan Freeman) It was at this very moment that Finn knew he fucked up.**

 **(We see Kylo Ren injuring Finn by pushing the lightsaber onto Finn's shoulder as New Age Outlaws' theme from WWE starts playing)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Your ass better call SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!**

 **(Kylo slashes Finn on his back)**

"Well, at least he tried. What am I saying? He sucked!" Sean exclaimed. "This dude is a Jedi Knight who would end up fucking you up big time. Who did you expect, Darth Maul?!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then another contestant enters the ring and it's Rey who wants to challenge Kylo to a duel. And being a scavenger all her life and being the best pilot in the movie, somehow she's the best swordsman as well as she does better than Finn.**

"I have only two words for you… MORTAL KOMBAT!" Sean yelled out in excitement.

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme plays during Rey and Kylo Ren's lightsaber duel)**

"That's right, Rey. Teach that parent killer the 'ol what for." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh yeah, Poe and the fighters fly through the trenches of the Starkiller Base like the Death Star trench run and destroys the oscillator. But back to the duel, Rey and Kylo continues to fight each other and then…**

 _ **Kylo Ren: You need a teacher. I could show you the ways of the Force.**_

 _ **Rey: (Softly) The Force?**_

"Hmm, interesting offer. Join you so you could show me the ways of the Force and act like your grandfather and slaughter children with his lightsaber. As tempting as it sounds, I believe that Rey is going to take Option F for FUCK HIS ASS UP!" Sean yelled out.

 **(We see Rey wounding Kylo once more, then she severs his lightsaber in two and gives him a severe wound to the face)**

"Ouch, that's going to leave a scar for the rest of his life." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rey kicks Kylo Ren's ass up and down the planet, but for an excuse to be more sequels the planet starts breaking apart, saving him from her fucking him up some more. And the planet/base/giant laser blows up. Just wait until** _ **The Rise of Skywalker**_ **for them to make Starkiller Base 2.0. Anyway, happy ending but sad ending because Han is dead and Leia won't see her husband but hey happy ending because R2-D2 wakes up and with some good news because he holds the map to Luke's location and with part of the map that BB-8 has, it reveals where Luke is at. And now, it's time for Rey heading to the island and finds him. They don't exchange words but just stare at each other.**

 **(Rey presents Luke with his father's lightsaber without words and Luke looks at her)**

"I bet you Mark Hamill is thinking right now, "Ah, shit. I thought I was out and now I'm back again and I'm voicing the Joker again as well in _The Killing Joke_ , dammit!"." Sean said.

 **(The film ends with the words "Directed by J.J. ABRAMS" on the screen)**

"And that was _Star Wars: The Force Awakens_ and boy it was an excellent return and the wait for a new Star Wars movie was worth it." Sean said.

 **(The end credits theme starts playing while clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie was quite a spectacle. It's a beautiful movie with beautiful art direction, great cinematography, great action and an amazing story. People complained that it's** _ **Episode IV**_ **all over again and even though it shares the same similarities to it, it's not. They're very different movies. The movie's amazing up until the death of Han Solo which pissed me and my mom off when we saw the movie on Christmas Day. I loved the acting in this movie. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher were amazing as always. I wish that I could say the same for Mark Hamill but they had him at the end of the movie without saying any words. They made him the film's MacGuffin. As for the new additions, however. Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac and Adam Driver give it their all. The actors did an amazing job on this movie and so did J.J. Abrams, Michael Arndt, Lawrence Kasdan, John Williams and the rest of the cast and crew who worked on this movie and they should be awarded for doing a splendid job. Even though** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is my favorite, I consider** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **to be my favorite as well. This movie is worth watching for every Star Wars fan.** _ **Star Wars: The Force Awakens**_ **gets 5 baton-wielding stormtroopers out of 5.**

"Well, that's all for today's review and I only got one Star Wars movie left to finish off _The Summer of Star Wars_." Sean said with a smile on his face for a bit until that smile goes away. "And this one… well, let's just say that this film is for man babies and assholes. Did I mention that Rian Johnson directed this movie? This is the one I didn't care for. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. I'll see you guys next time."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline- Traitor!**

 **Well, I hope that you all enjoyed the review for** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. So, what did you all think of this movie and the review? Next time, Sean finishes up** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **, a movie that angered some fans and some enjoyed it. So, Sean and friend Brian take a look at** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **and talk about epic sequel of the epic saga and see if it's any good. Don't forget to review this hilarious story, add it to your favorite and follow it for future updates and more reviews. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	69. TSOSW Part VII: TLJ

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and it's time to finish up** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **with** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **. And what better way to give** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **an epic ending is by having this review a co-review. So, Sean and Brian review** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **to see what went wrong. So, here it is. The new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Sit back, relax and enjoy.**

 **P.S. I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **is owned by Lucasfilm LTD. and Disney.**

 **The Summer of Star Wars Part 7: The Last Jedi**

We open with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer standing in front of a mirror in his bathroom putting on his contacts.

"Okay. Nice and easy. Nice and easy now. Just relax. Just like what the eye doctor said. Gotta follow the schedule on how many hours to keep the contacts on for." Sean said as he puts the contact in his eye. "There. Perfect. Both contacts in."

Sean smiled as he looked down at his phone and sees what time it is. "Oh, shit!"

The young critic immediately runs downstairs and almost trips over his cat Riley before entering the living room and taking his seat on the couch as he starts his introduction.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome to the grand finale of…" Sean said as we cut to a dark room and we see a green lightsaber being ignited, with the light showing Sean, who's wearing a Jedi Knight cloak and Jedi Knight outfit from _Return of the Jedi_ before speaking in a deep, booming voice while _Duel of the Fates_ starts playing. " _THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS_!"

"Today, we're going to be taking a look at _Star Wars: The Last Jedi_. But I'm not doing this alone. I'm getting some help with this review. That's why I invited my friend Brian to help me out reviewing this movie with me." Sean said as Brian enters the room.

"Thanks for having me here." Brian said.

"No problem. Let's talk about The Last Jedi." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **is shown while the track** _ **The Spark**_ **plays throughout)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 17** **th** **, 2017. Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi is the second installment of the** _ **Star Wars**_ **sequel trilogy and the eighth film in the Skywalker Saga. This was the first posthumous film performance by Carrie Fisher, who sadly passed away on December 27** **th** **2016\. The film was dedicated to her memory.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The film tells the continuing adventures of Rey, Finn and Poe Dameron as they continue their fight against the First Order while Rey receives training from Luke Skywalker. J.J. Abrams, who directed** _ **The Force Awakens**_ **back in 2015, was the executive producer for the movie and the film was under the direction of** _ **Looper**_ **director Rian Johnson, who also wrote the screenplay for this movie.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After this movie was released, there were some fans and critics that enjoyed the film, while others…**

 **(A clip from** _ **American History X**_ **, showing the curb stomp scene, is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the film carried a lot of concern when people are worried that it's a retread of** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **because they say that the last film was a retread of** _ **A New Hope**_ **.**

"Shall we?" Brian asked.

"Well, let's get this over with. This is _Star Wars: The Last Jedi_." Sean said.

 **(We see the words "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away from your crazy ass…" is shown on the screen)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away from your crazy ass…", we get our traditional scrolling text. We learn that the First Order rules with an iron first and Supreme Leader Snoke deploys his soldiers to seize military control of the galaxy. But hey, General Leia Organa and her merry band of Resistance fighters won't take any of Snoke's shit and that they're certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But they have to hurry because the First Order's heading towards their rebel base while they mount a desperate escape. So yeah, a dark time for the Resistance. After the scrolling text, we see that the Resistance is evacuating the rebel base when the First Order arrives as General Hux aka Lil' Hitler, once again played by Domnhall Gleeson, is leading the assault to crush the Resistance!**

 _ **General Hux (Played by Domnhall Gleeson): I have my orders from Supreme Leader Snoke himself. This is where we snuff out the Resistance once and for all. Tell Captain Canady to prime his dreadnought. Incinerate their base, destroy their transports and obliterate their fleet.**_

"Dreadnought? What's a dreadnought?" Brian asked.

"Well, glad you asked. Which brings me to _Star Wars Battlefront II_ 's _Resurrection_ storyline when Iden Versio and her daughter Zay find plans for a First Order Dreadnought on the First Order Star Destroyer Retribution. Before her death, Iden give Zay the Dreadnought plans and…" Sean said as the audience groans in boredom. "Okay, you know what. Fuck you all! This is the last time I tell you guys a little bit of information in the _Star Wars_ universe."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The First Order unleashes the Dreadnought and right when they're about to open fire, one brave Resistance fighter comes in to ruin the First Order's fun. Turns out to be Poe Dameron, once again played by Oscar Isaac, and it looks like he's about to pull a crazy stunt.**

 _ **Poe Dameron (Played by Oscar Isaac): Attention. This is Commander Poe Dameron of the Republic fleet, I have an urgent communique for General Hugs.**_

 _ **General Hux: Patch him through. This is General Hux of the First Order. The Republic is no more. Your fleet are Rebel scum and war criminals. Tell your precious princess there will be no terms, there will be no surrender.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: Hi, I'm holding for General Hugs.**_

 _ **General Hux: This is Hux. You and your friends are doomed. We will wipe your filth from the galaxy.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: Okay. I'll hold.**_

 _ **General Hux: Hello?**_

"His plan is to taunt the guy and prank call him like he's Moe from _The Simpsons_." Sean said.

 **(Hux and Poe's dialogue is replaced with Bart and Moe's dialogue)**

 _ **General Hux: (With Moe's dialogue) Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: (With Bart's dialogue) Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.**_

 _ **General Hux: (With Moe's lines) Hold on, I'll check. (Calls) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?!**_

 _ **Captain Peavey (Played by Adrian Edmondson): I believe he's tooling with you, sir.**_

 **(We hear Bart Simpson laughing)**

 _ **General Hux: Open fire!**_

"That was just part 1 of his plan." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Part 1 which is getting his thrusters on his X-Wing ready for part 2. And this is where part 2 comes in, Poe flies towards the Dreadnought and starts attacking it by taking out its surface cannons so that the bombers can move in.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After the Dreadnought fires on the base and seeing Captain Canady's over the top acting, the last transport containing Lieutenant Connix, played by Carrie Fisher's daughter Billie Lourde, makes it out safely as General Leia Organa, played by Carrie Fisher, orders Poe to return to the flagship but Poe doesn't feel like taking orders.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: (On the Dreadnought) These things are fleet killers. We can't let it get away.**_

 _ **General Leia Organa (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): Disengage now, Commaner. That is an or…**_

 **(Poe switches off his communicator)**

"She's gonna give him a tongue lashing." Brian managed.

 **(Leia looks at C-3PO as the droid looks at her)**

 _ **General Leia Organa: Wipe that nervous expression off your face, Threepio.**_

 _ **C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): Oh. Well, I will certainly try, General. Nervous?**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Aside from disobeying orders, Poe manages to destroy the last turret and a few fighters as the Resistance bombers arrive to make their bombing run in an awesome space battle on par with Rogue One's space battle. During the bombing run on the Dreadnought, there were a lot of casualties until one bomber named Paige Tico, played by Veronica Ngo, manages to destroy the Dreadnought before sacrificing herself.**

"Aside from seeing this brave fighter sacrificing her life to destroy a deadly First Order weapon but are these bombers in the Star Wars universe impossible? No. Are they illogical? Hell, yeah!" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Resistance escape from the clutches of the First Order, which angers Supreme Leader Snoke, once again played by Andy Serkis. So, he decides to have a little chat with him via hologram.**

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke (Played by Andy Serkis): General Hux.**_

 _ **General Hux: (Inhales shakily) Ah, good. Supreme Lea…**_

 **(Snoke uses the Force to slam General Hux down on the floor and drag him around)**

"Okay, in _The Force Awakens_ , he was a serious no-nonsense character with a frightening Hitler-esque speeches and genocide lunacy. In this one, they turn him into a complete buffoon. He's a literal cartoon character." Sean said.

"Don't you just hate it when they change characters like that?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, back on the Resistance flagship the Raddus, we see that Finn, once again played by John Boyega, wakes up from his coma. Damn, he's been in a coma for two years? What was he doing taking a power nap?**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He reunites with his old buddy Poe and he's got one question to ask.**

 _ **Finn (Played by John Boyega): Where's Rey?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Good question. Well, Rey, once again played by Daisy Ridley, is on the water world of Ahch-To, where she meets Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, played by Mark Hamill, and gives him his father's lightsaber. He looks at the lightsaber and he looks at Rey, and he agrees to train Rey in the ways of…**

 **(Luke throws the lightsaber away and we hear a live studio audience laughing as he walks away)**

"Wow, talk about a big change of character. Luke went from being the most awesome Jedi to a washed-up has-been." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After Luke refuses to train her, Rey tries to contact him but Luke keeps telling her to go away like he's Stathis Borans from** _ **The Fly II**_ **. So, Chewbacca, once again played by Joonas Suotamo, knocks his door down so Rey could ask him for his help.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Chewie, what are you doing here?**_

 **(Chewie growls at Luke)**

 _ **Rey (Played by Daisy Ridley): He said you're coming back with us.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: How did you find me?**_

 _ **Rey: Long story. We'll tell you on the Falcon.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Falcon?**_

 **(Chewie growls softly)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Wait. Where's Han?**_

"Ask Lawrence Kasdan. He made him jump ship so he can do _Blade Runner 2049_ and _The Secret Life of Pets 2_ and do another _Indiana Jones_ film." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before Rey breaks the news to Luke about Han kicking the bucket, we see Kylo Ren, again played by Adam Driver, going to see Supreme Leader Snoke in his throne room, who's commending Hux for his plan to pursue the Resistance and we get one of the best scenes ever.**

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: The mighty Kylo Ren. When I found you, I saw what all masters live to see. Raw, untamed power. And beyond that, something truly special. The potential of your bloodline. A new Vader. Now I fear I was mistaken.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren (Played by Adam Driver): I've given everything I have to you. To the dark side.**_

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: Take that ridiculous thing off.**_

We cut to Sean and Brian as we see Sean wearing a snakehead mask before taking it off.

"Sorry." Sean pouts.

 _ **Kylo Ren: I killed Han Solo. When the moment came, I didn't hesitate.**_

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: And look at you, the deed split your spirit to the bone. You were unbalanced, bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber! You failed!**_

 **(Kylo gets up and tries to take his rage out on Snoke before the Supreme Leader uses Force lightning on him)**

"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed.

"Don't fuck with the Supreme Leader." Brian pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Snoke berates Kylo and he orders him to bring him a double decker patty melt with extra onions, lightly toasted.**

"Okay, except for that last part. It's just that Brian and I really want a patty melt with fries and we're starving." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Then, Kylo decides to take his anger out the best way possible by…**

 **(An enraged Kylo Ren smashes his helmet against the wall of an elevator)**

"Well, he's taking that news rather well." Sean said.

 **(Kylo continues to smash his helmet into pieces before the elevator doors open up and we see two First Order officers standing in front)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Prepare my ship.**_

 **(Kylo leaves the elevator before we see his pieces of his helmet)**

"Dude, seriously. Calm down." Brian said.

"Jeez! I don't want to get in trouble and make fun of people who have bipolar disorder but dude are you suffering from bipolar disorder here?" Sean asked.

"Wait, Kylo Ren likes both men and women?" Brian asked.

"Dude, that's bisexual." Sean corrected Brian.

"Oh." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we witnessed Kylo's epic temper tantrum, we cut back to Rey when she tells him that there's no light in Kylo Ren and that he's also getting stronger. Then there's the issue with the First Order controlling the major systems within weeks and the Resistances needs him and the Jedi Order back. They need a hero.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You don't need Luke Skywalker.**_

 _ **Rey: Did you hear a word I just said?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You think what? I'm gonna walk out with a laser sword and face down the whole First Order?**_

"Uh, it's called a lightsaber. Not a laser sword. God, you sound like your father when he was a kid." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rey follows Luke around and she sees how the island life is living for him.**

 **(Rey sees Luke harvesting green milk from a female thala-siren into a bottle and starts drinking it)**

"Green milk, it makes a body… you know what, don't drink it. It's bitter." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hell, Luke is living the sweet life but it doesn't stop from Rey following him and asking him for his help for some training because he's the last Jedi.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) But then Rey's Jedi senses start tingling when she comes across the Great Deku Tree from** _ **The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time**_ **and finds a collection of Jedi books, then Luke tells Rey the history of this tree.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Built a thousand generations ago to keep these. The original Jedi texts. Just like me, they're the last of the Jedi religion. You've seen this place. You've seen this island.**_

 _ **Rey: (Whispers) Only in dreams.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Who are you?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): I am vengeance… I am the night… I am Batman!**_

"Sorry. Had to be done." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And then Luke starts interrogating her like a friggin' KGB agent.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: They sent you? What's special about you? Where are you from?**_

 _ **Rey: Nowhere.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: No one's from nowhere.**_

 _ **Rey: Jakku.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: All right, that is pretty much nowhere. Why are you here, Rey, from nowhere?**_

 _ **Rey: The Resistance sent me. We need your help. The First Order's become unstoppable.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Why are you here?**_

"Did the Bat send you or did the producers send you here for me to play the voice as Chucky?" Brian asked, imitating Luke Skywalker.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Luke tells Rey that she needs a teacher but not him because he will never teach another generation of Jedi because he came to the island to die. Jeez, whatever happened to him, it made him act like his first master. Meanwhile…**

 **(Leia slaps Poe)**

 _ **General Leia Organa: You're demoted.**_

"Uh, is there something we missed here?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, we're not missing anything here. Leia is pissed off at Poe because of his recklessness and disobeying order and leading Cobalt Squadron to their deaths, which costs him a demotion. But then the First Order along with Snoke's ship arrives because they tracked them through lightspeed. Huh? How the hell is that possible? How can you track a ship down through lightspeed? This never happened in the OG trilogy.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: Can we jump to lightspeed?**_

 _ **Lieutenant Connix (Played by Billie Lourde): We have enough fuel resources for just one jump.**_

"Excuse me?" Sean asked.

 _ **Lieutenant Connix: We have enough fuel resources for just one jump.**_

"What?" Brian asked.

 _ **Lieutenant Connix: We have enough fuel resources for just one jump.**_

"Fuel? Is this… is this the first mention of the concept of fuel in the Star Wars universe? Because I sure as hell don't remember Han worrying about fuel in the original trilogy. Hell, Rey took the Falcon halfway around the universe looking for Luke Skywalker but this ship has enough fuel for just one jump. God, this is fucking stupid!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Stupidness aside, the First Order ambush the Resistance with Kylo Ren in his awesome looking TIE Silencer, leading a squadron of TIE fighters to attack on the ship. And then…**

 **(Kylo targets the bridge of the Raddus, which his mother, Leia, is on)**

"Don't do it." Sean said.

 **(Kylo gets ready to open fire on the bridge)**

Sean pulls out his green lightsaber while Brian pulls out his blue lightsaber.

"Try it and I swear you are going down, buddy." Brian said.

 **(Kylo doesn't fire on the bridge)**

Sean and Brian both sigh in relief.

"Thank God." Brian said.

"Boy, for a second there I thought he was going to…" Sean said.

 **(Kylo's TIE fighter escorts take the shot and destroy the bridge, killing most of the Resistance's high command)**

"He actually did it." Brian said.

"Oh, you duck, duck, goose-looking mother…" Sean said.

 _ **General Hux: They won't last long burning fuel like this.**_

"Again with the fucking fuel. This is some infuriating writing here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going on, we see Leia's lifeless body in space and this is the moment that… well… just watch.**

 **(We see that Leia survives the exposure to space through the use of the Force while the** _ **Superman**_ **theme starts playing)**

Sean starts laughing while the scene plays.

"What?" Brian asked.

"I know. I shouldn't be making fun of Carrie Fisher like this but this is too silly." Sean laughed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) How did Leia learn how to do something like this? What? Was she having a drink with Luke and he was telling her the neat things she can do with the Force. Literal Force space resurrection.**

"So, I guess that she's unkillable now. Right?" Sean asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with Rey, we see that she's taking a nice little nap while Chewie is having a nice meal, where he encounters…**

 **(The Porgs watch as Chewbacca gets ready to eat one of their own)**

"The most annoying thing ever since the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, these are the Porgs, cute little birds that can win over the younger children's attention. And if you think that Ewoks, Jar Jar and the special editions were okay for George Lucas, then Rian Johnson thinks that the Porgs were okay.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) But enough about the Goodfeathers rejects, Luke enters the Millennium Falcon and runs into an old friend. And that old friend happens to be R2-D2, played by Jimmy Vee, who took over the role after Kenny Baker passed away back in 2016. And our favorite little droid have some choice words for the exiled Jedi Master.**

 **(R2-D2 beeping angrily at Luke)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Hey, sacred island, watch the language.**_

"I don't know what R2-D2 said to Luke, but it must've been really inappropriate." Sean said.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I wish I could make you understand. But I'm not coming back. Nothing can ever change my mind.**_

 **(Artoo plays the message from his sister)**

 **** _ **Princess Leia Organa: Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person…**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: That was a cheap move.**_

"Hey, at least Artoo didn't play him this." Sean said.

 **(The message is replaced by a clip of** _ **Batman: The Killing Joke,**_ **showing Batman and The Joker sharing a laugh together)**

 **Luke Skywalker: That was a cheap move.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But after some convincing from R2-D2, Luke finally agrees to train Rey. Back with the Resistance, who's getting pursued by the First Order because they can't jump into lightspeed and fuel…**

"Seriously? Is fuel going to be a big part for Star Wars?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) General Organa is down but not out of the game yet. But the others, including Admiral "It's a Trap!" Ackbar, are dead. So, Leia is the only survivor. So, someone is taking her place and that person happens to be Vice Admiral Holdo…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hodor (Played by Kristian Nairn): Hodor.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong person. Vice Admiral Holdo, played by Laura Dern from** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **and HBO's** _ **Big Little Lies**_ **. Holdo assumes command of the Resistance while Leia recovers. But Poe gets off to a rocky start with the Vice Admiral.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: What's out plan?**_

 _ **Vice Admiral Holdo (Played by Laura Dern): Our plan, captain? Not commander, right? Wasn't it Leia's last official act to demote you for your Dreadnought plan where we lost our entire bombing fleet?**_

"Oh, come on. You send a bunch of bombers to their deaths and they'll never let you forget it." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Poe demands to know what's going on but Holdo…**

 **(Another clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hodor: (While looking down at a well) Hodor! Hodor!**_

"Wrong person." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Vice Admiral Holdo tells him to stick to his post and follow her order. If he doesn't, then she'll get a velociraptor on his ass. Back with Finn, he decides to go looking for Rey after he fears for her safety, until he meets a young Resistance mechanic by the name of Rose, played by Kelly Marie Tran. But she thinks that he's trying to run away, so…**

 **(Rose zaps Finn with her stun gun)**

"Geez. What is your deal, you little pipsqueak?" Sean asked.

 _ **Rose Tico (Played by Kelly Marie Tran): My sister just died protecting the fleet.**_

"Oh." Sean said. "Sorry for your loss. But there's still no reason for you to be zapping people with a stun gun."

 _ **Finn: Look, we can't outrun the First Order fleet.**_

 _ **Rose Tico: We can jump to lightspeed!**_

 _ **Finn: Well, they can track us through lightspeed.**_

 _ **Rose Tico: They can track us through lightspeed?**_

 _ **Finn: Yeah. They'd just show up thirty seconds later and we'd have blown a ton of fuel, which, by the way, we're dangerously short on.**_

"Would you shut up about the goddamn fuel?! Christ, you're pissing me off with that shit!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Finn and Rose have a plan to shut down the tracker on the Star Destroyer and lets Poe in on the plan. And in order to shut down the tracker, they have to find the Master Codebreaker on Canto Bight, with the information on the guy given by Maz Kanata, voiced by Lupita Nyong'o.**

 _ **Maz Kanata (Voiced by Lupita Nyong'o): He's a Master Codebreaker, an ace pilot, a poet with a blaster.**_

 _ **C-3PO: It sounds like this codebreaker fellow can do everything.**_

 _ **Maz Kanata: Oh, yes, he can. You'll find him with a red plom bloom on his lapel, rolling at a high stakes table, in the casino on Canto Bight.**_

"Make sure you mention that the guy has a mustache or something so that will be useful." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with Rey, we see that she's about to start her first day of Jedi training with Luke, until she ends up communicating with Kylo Ren with the Force.**

 **(The love theme from Dumb and Dumber starts playing as Kylo and Rey sense each other with the Force. Rey picks up her blaster and fires as the record scratches)**

"Well, looks like Kylo wants to give Rey the "D" with the Force." Brian said.

 _ **Kylo Ren: You will bring Luke Skywalker to me.**_

 **(Nothing happens)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: You're not doing this. The effort would kill you.**_

 **(Rey stays silent as Kylo realizes that she could see his surroundings)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Can you see my surroundings?**_

 _ **Rey: You're gonna pay for what you did!**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: I can't see yours.**_

"I can't see your surroundings and you can see my surroundings. Can you see me fantasize about you in my spare time? Well, I can just see you." Sean said, imitating Kylo Ren.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rey starts her Jedi training with Luke and he shows her the way of the Force.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Close your eyes.**_

 **(Rey closes her eyes)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Breathe.**_

 **(Rey takes a deep breath)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Now… reach out.**_

 **(Rey literally reaches her hand out. After a moment of disbelief, Luke starts tickling Rey's hand with a leaf, causing her to gasp while she feels the tickle)**

 _ **Rey: I feel something.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: You feel it?**_

 _ **Rey: Yes, I feel it.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: That's the Force.**_

 _ **Rey: Really?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Wow, it must be really strong with you.**_

 _ **Rey: I've never felt any…**_

 **(Luke smack Rey's hand with the leaf)**

 _ **Rey: Ow!**_

"Remember when Luke Skywalker was awesome." Sean asked.

"Yeah, he went from being the most awesome Jedi Knight to a washed-up Jedi Master who just likes to screw with you." Brian said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Angry Video Game Nerd**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Angry Video Game Nerd: Wow, what an asshole!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) Aside from Luke screwing with Rey, the young Jedi in training begins to feel the Force awakening inside her when Rey has a vision.**

 _ **Rey: There's something else… beneath the island. A place. A dark place.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Balance. Powerful light, powerful darkness.**_

 _ **Rey: It's cold.**_

 **(Rocks beneath her begin to crack as Luke starts to notice)**

 _ **Rey: It's calling me.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Resist it, Rey.**_

 **(No response from Rey)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Rey?**_

 **(No response)  
**

_**Luke Skywalker: REY!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Vigo (Played by the late Wilhelm Von Homburg): (After possessing Ray) No! I, Ray, am Vigo, shall rule the earth!**_

"Another dark side cave." Brian said.

"Oh, Christ. They're ripping off The Empire Strikes Back." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But this raw strength freaks him out when he noticed it in Ben Solo and he's not going to take that shit. But aside from Rey's strength in the Force, we check back in with the Resistance as Operation: Get Behind Holdo…**

 **(Another clip of** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Hodor: Hodor! Hodor! Hodor!**_

"Shut up!" Sean yelled out.

"He said "Holdo" not "Hodor". God, I swear if Hodor interrupts this review, I'm murdering his ass." Brian said as he pulls out a bowcaster.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, with the fleet having 18 hours of fuel left. Again with the fucking fuel! Let's get back to Rey and…**

 **(Kylo turns around as the love theme from Dumb and Dumber starts playing again right when Rey senses him again)**

"Oh, yeah. Another Force communique with that Kylo Ren." Sean said.

 _ **Kylo Ren: Why is the Force connecting us? You and I.**_

 _ **Rey: Murderous snake.**_

"Okay, I'm sensing that these two have some sexual tension with each other." Sean said.

"Come on, Sean. You do know that there are people who are Reylo fans. Hell, take a look at some of their drawings. Some of it is not safe for work." Brian said as Sean looks at the sexual Reylo drawings.

"Oh, you guys are a bunch of freaks." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rey tells Kylo that she's found Skywalker and that he's screwed but Kylo asks Rey if he told him what happened the night he destroyed his temple and why he did it. But Rey's not listening to him.**

 _ **Rey: You are a monster.**_

"You killed off one of the best characters in the franchise. Well, he wanted out of the franchise thirtysomething years ago, but still you are a monster!" Brian said, imitating Rey.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough about these two as we cut to Finn and Rose as they arrive on Canto Bight. And from what she's heard of Canto Bight, it's a terrible place filled with some of the worst people in the galaxy. Maybe she's talking about Donald Trump and the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. And right here, this is "sidequest filler" for the two of them.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) They head into a casino looking for the Master Codebreaker with Finn being fascinated by this place and Rose being not to happy with it because they just want to find the Codebreaker and not party. Then something just irks Rose when she finds something that startles her.**

 **(We see a fathier race going on)**

"Turns out that this casino has some of their horse races. Okay, why does Rose hate this place? It's beautiful. Look, I don't want to know because this is pointless filler, so…" Sean said.

 **Rose Tico: My sister and I grew up in a poor mining system.**

 **(Finn sees a jockey whipping a fathier)**

 _ **Rose Tico: The First Order stripped our ore to finance their military…**_

"Alright, that's good to know that you and your dead sister lived in a poor mining colony, so could you please just…" Sean said.

 _ **Rose Tico: They took everything we had. And who do you think these people are?**_

"Alright, enough with your backstory. Can we just get to the Master Codebreaker?" Sean asked, getting irritated.

 _ **Rose Tico: I wish I could put my fist through this whole lousy, beautiful town.**_

"Oh, my GOOOOOOOD!" Sean screams in agony. "Who cares?! My God, this is _The Phantom Menace_ all over again with it's boring filler! We should be focusing on Rey and her training not these two morons looking for a friggin' code breaker! I'd rather jerk off to Maitland Ward getting boned by some guy in a porno than watch this crap!"

Brian turns to Sean with a confused look on his face. "Huh?"

"Oh yeah! Rachel from _Boy Meets World_ is doing porn now." Sean said before looking at the camera. "DEAL WITH IT!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, enough of Rose's backstory as BB-8 tells Finn and Rose that he's found the codebreaker, played by Justin Theroux. But as they head over to the Master Codebreaker, some guy snitches on them and they end up getting arrested.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Young Frankenstein**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Played by the late Gene Wilder): Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this!**_

"So yeah, they find the Master Codebreaker but they get arrested. You two are going to be responsible for the death of the Resistance." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with Rey, she's doing her Jedi training by swinging her staff around then decides to train with a lightsaber by swinging it around while Luke watches like he's impressed.**

 **(Rey continues to swing the lightsaber around until she slices a rock in half, causing it to fall, sending broken pieces down until one crashes and destroys one of the island native's wheelbarrow. Two of the island natives look up and see Rey.**

"I know that they're probably thinking right now: "Ah, fuck. She destroyed our dinner for today. Now what am I going to fix for dinner?"." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for lesson two as Luke tells her more about the Jedi and that the legacy of the Jedi is failure. Now, wait. That's not true.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: At the height of their powers, they allowed Darth Sidious to rise, create the Empire, and wipe them out. It was a Jedi Master who was responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader.**_

 _ **Rey: And a Jedi who saved him.**_

"Yeah, dude. You used the power of please." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (While Emperor Palpatine is trying to kill him with Force lightning) Father, please!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Darth Vader) Okay, I will.**

 **(Darth Vader grabs Palpatine and throws him down into the Death Star's reactor)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Vader) That's the power of please, kids!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke tells Rey that he trained Ben and a few dozen students and created a temple, with Luke telling Rey that Ren turned on him and destroyed the temple and vanished with a handful of his students and slaughtered the rest because Luke failed. Then, Rey makes this promise to Luke.**

 _ **Rey: Kylo failed you. I won't.**_

"I'll be the best damn Jedi in the galaxy and you will know that you trained the best." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with the Resistance, we see that the First Order is still on their tail when one of their ships run out of fuel, so they blow them away, much to the horror of Vice Admiral Holdo.**

 **(Another clip from** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Hodor: Hodor!**_

"Shut the fu…! I'm about this close to strangling this guy. Shut up, you condescending child-baby!" Sean yelled out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And with the fleet running low on fuel and Finn and Rose in a jail cell, dooming the Resistance and without a codebreaker. Until…**

 _ **DJ (Played by Benicio Del Toro): I can do it.**_

 _ **Rose Tico: What?**_

 _ **DJ: What?**_

 _ **Rose Tico: What?**_

"Would you stop saying "What?" before Samuel L. Jackson pops up?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This guy in Finn and Rose's jail cell is named DJ, played by Benicio Del Toro. DJ here is a hacker and he offers to help them out. Uh, you think you should trust that guy?**

 **(DJ unlocks the cell door with a keycard then walks out)**

 _ **Finn: Did he just…**_

 _ **Rose Tico: Yeah.**_

"I hate hackers." Brian said.

"I know. Especially the movie." Sean said as the poster for the 1995 movie _Hackers_ pops up in the middle.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, our heroes make their escape by going down the sewers, which leads them to the fathier stables with children.**

"Great. The _Star Wars_ take on horse racing." Brian said sarcastically.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So with the kids help, Finn and Rose escape with the fathiers because Rose is a supporter of PETA.**

"Why couldn't J.J. Abrams have directed this?" Brian asked.

"Oh yeah, this is Rian Johnson's idea." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, they escape on the fathers and turning it into the friggin' stampede scene from The Lion King and start wrecking the casino with the planet's cops show up by blowing up the transport that they were on. But eventually, they lose the heat.**

 _ **Finn: I think we lost him! Now we get down to the beach and circle back around…**_

 _ **Rose Tico: Cliff!**_

 **(The fathier sees the cliff and stops before throwing Finn and Rose off of them)**

"Aside from the cops trying to kill them, the space horse with big pointy ears tries to kill them as well. Jesus! If they ended up falling to their deaths, then game over, man. Game over." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Eventually DJ arrives to pick the two of them up before we check back in on Luke, who's using the Force to contact his comatose sister.**

 _ **General Leia Organa: (After sensing Luke) Luke.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: (After sensing his sister) Leia.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of sensing…**

 _ **Rey: (After sensing Kylo) I'd rather not do this right now.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: Yeah, me, too.**_

 _ **Rey: Why did you hate your father?**_

 **(Kylo turns around and we see that he's shirtless as we hear the ladies cheer on Kylo while the song** _ **It's Raining Men**_ **by The Weather Girls start playing)**

 _ **Rey: Do you have something, a cowl or something you could put on?**_

"Why should I? Have you seen the show _Girls_? I was shirtless many times on the show. Besides, we're doing this for the Reylo fans and Rian Johnson suggested that I do a shirtless scene." Brian said, imitating Kylo Ren.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rey asks Kylo why did he hate his father and why did he kill him and he tells Rey his side of his story about the night he destroyed Skywalker's temple was because he sensed something inside him and decides to show off his crazy eyes before trying to kill his own nephew. But Rey doesn't believe him and Kylo has something to say about the past.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. That's the only way to become what you were meant to be.**_

"Isn't that what Rian Johnson said about this movie?" Sean asked.

"Oh, brother." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rey travels to a cave beneath the island, the same cave from her vision. This is the cave where the dark side is powerful and she faces her own reflection in the cave and this has to be interesting here.**

 _ **Rey: (V/O) I should have felt trapped or panicked. But I didn't. This didn't go on forever, I knew it was leading somewhere. And that, at the end, it showed me what I came to see.**_

 _ **Female Voice: Rey.**_

 **(Rey touches the reflective rock wall)**

 _ **Rey: Let me see them. My parents, please.**_

 **(We see two shadow figures walking towards Rey and they both form together, revealing it to be a reflection of herself)**

"Well, she was staring at the girl in the mirror." Sean said, chuckling a bit as Brian looks at him with a confused look on his face. "You know, the Michael Jackson song Man in the Mirror? Get it? Never mind."

 **Brian: (Narrating) And with that, Rey couldn't find any answers in a dark, damp cave. So, she communicates with Kylo once more, the one that she can turn to.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: You're not alone.**_

 _ **Rey: Neither are you./It isn't too late.**_

 **(The love theme from** _ **Dumb and Dumber**_ **starts playing as Rey and Kylo's hands touch until they are discovered by Luke)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Stop!**_

 **(The record scratches as Luke angrily destroys Rey's hut)**

"Goddamn it. Seriously, Luke? Why did you go ahead and cockblock Rey and Kylo? Rey was about to lose her virginity to Kylo with the Force." Brian said.

"Why did he have to ruin everything for her?" Sean asked. "Crazy old fart."

 _ **Rey: Is it true? Did you try to murder him?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Leave this island now!**_

 _ **Rey: Stop. Stop!**_

 **(Luke keeps walking until Rey attacks him with her staff)**

"And now Rey wants to kill you for ruining her fun with Kylo and for you pissing off the Reylo fans. I hope that you're proud of yourself." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rey and Luke have their little duel in the rain. With Rey being the Jedi in training and Luke being the skilled Jedi Master who can kick Rey's ass easily. But until Rey threatens him with his own lightsaber and demands the truth.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I saw darkness. I'd sensed it building in him. I'd seen it in moments his training. But then I looked inside, and it was beyond what I ever imagined.**_

 **(Luke senses something inside Kylo as we hear the sound of lightsabers clashing and screaming)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Snoke had already turned his heart.**_

 **(Luke grabs his lightsaber and gets ready to activate it)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: He would bring destruction, and pain, and death, and the end of everything I love because of what he will become. And for the briefest moment of pure instinct, I thought I could stop it.**_

 **(Luke activates his lightsaber and looks at his lightsaber)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: It passed like a fleeting shadow. And I was left with shame, and with consequence. And the last thing I saw were the eyes of a frightened boy whose master had failed him.**_

"Oh, so what? You tried to kill your own nephew but you couldn't because he gave you puppy dog eyes. Big deal. He was corrupted by Snoke." Sean said.

"Ever occur to any of you three who's pulling this mental link?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rey believes that if she goes to Kylo Ren, then he will turn. But Luke thinks that this is a bad idea. So, she gets off of the island to head to Kylo, leaving Luke all by his lonesome as he goes to burn down what's left of the Jedi texts, until and old friend visits him.**

 **(Luke turns around and sees the ghost of Yoda)**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Master Yoda.**_

 _ **Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): Young Skywalker.**_

"It's none other than his old master Yoda, voiced by Frank Oz. And they're now resorting to a Yoda Muppet instead of that crappy CGI Yoda. I love that the fact that they're using a Muppet." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke tells Yoda that he's going to burn it all down, but he doesn't, so Yoda steps in and does this.**

 **(Yoda summons a thunderbolt to destroy the library. Luke watches as the library burns while Yoda laughs)**

"What the shit?! Okay, can Jedi ghosts do that kind of thing? I mean, talk about becoming more powerful than you can possibly imagine. That is one Muppet you don't want to fuck around with. Aren't Jedi ghosts supposed to be a guiding light who tends to give you advice and wisdom?" Sean asked.

 _ **Luke Skywalker: So it is time for the Jedi Order to end.**_

 _ **Yoda: Time it is. Hmm. For you to look past a pile of old books, hmm?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: The sacred Jedi texts.**_

 _ **Yoda: Oh. Read them, have you?**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Well, I…**_

 _ **Yoda: Page-turners they were not.**_

"A Cracker Jack box I found them in. Hmm." Sean said as he imitates Yoda.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Yoda tells Luke that they can't lose Rey and gives him an important lesson.**

 _ **Yoda: The greatest teacher, failure is.**_

"Learn from your failures you must. Set right what was wrong, you can." Brian said, imitating Yoda.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Finn and Rose, they head to the First Order Star Destroyer with DJ, but with that help, comes with a price. No, not money but Rose's gold pendant, which means something to her because her late sister has one like that. He agrees to help but Finn confronts him to give back Rose's special pendant.**

 _ **Finn: You have no idea how much that medallion means to her. (Sees that DJ is ransacking the ship) What are you… Why are you ransacking your own ship? (Sighs) It's not your ship.**_

 **(BB-8 chirps)**

 _ **DJ: He says I stole it.**_

 _ **Finn: Yeah, I got that.**_

 _ **DJ: (To BB-8) We stole it.**_

 **(BB-8 chirps)**

 _ **Finn: At least you're stealing from the bad guys and helping the good.**_

"He's your Star Wars version of Robin Hood. And really? Does his name have to be DJ? What kind of name is that for a Star Wars character?" Sean asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) The ship that DJ and BB-8 stole was from an arms dealer. That's good to know because that arms dealer has been selling weapons to the First Order and the Resistance and then he acts like a conspiracy theorist by telling Finn not to join. Meanwhile, the Resistance are screwed when their about to run out of fuel, so Poe demands Holdo…**

 _ **Hodor: Hold the door!**_

"He said…! Oh, wait. You said "Hold the door". Never mind. Continue." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Poe demands Holdo to give him some answers and he needs them now, dammit!**

 _ **Poe Dameron: Tell us that we have a plan! That there's hope!**_

 _ **Vice Admiral Holdo: When I served Leia, she would say, hope is like the sun.**_

 **Sean: (V/O while imitating the Cinema Sins Guy) I swear to fuzzy Zeus on a cracker, if one more person says "hope" I'm going to lose my shit. Star Wars movies are hereby forbidden from ever again using the word "hope". If you fuckers cast soccer player Hope Solo in a movie… you'd better fucking change her name in the credits. I'm serious!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Poe notices that Vice Admiral Holdo is fueling up the transports and suspects that she's abandoning ship and…**

 **(Poe starts kicking things and throwing a chair down)**

 _ **Poe Dameron: Coward!**_

Sean and Brian both break down laughing at Oscar Isaac's acting.

"Okay, that was some overacting right there. Overacting at it's best. I watch this scene over and over and laugh at Oscar Isaac throwing a temper tantrum like a four year old." Sean laughed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Poe calls Vice Admiral Holdo a traitor like she's a Communist, but Holdo is not having it when she orders the guards to kick him off the bridge. And now, it's a race against time and with little fuel left as Rey arrives on the Supremacy in order to meet Ren while Finn, Rose and DJ infiltrate the Supremacy.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Poe, he tries to tell Vice Admiral Holdo that Finn and Rose about their plan but she doesn't believe him. Oh, well. On to Plan M for mutiny.**

 **(Poe and the Resistance fighters pull out their blasters and point them at Vice Admiral Holdo)**

 _ **Poe Dameron: Vice Admiral Holdo, I am relieving you of your command for the survival of this ship, it's crew, and the Resistance.**_

"I'm sorry, did this movie turn into _Crimson Tide_? And that was mutiny. Full blown mutiny! And it was all because Holdo didn't share her plan. Is he nuts?" Brian asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And this is where we switch back and forth from one plot point to another that's happening. Aside from Finn, Rose and DJ infiltrating the Mega-Destroyer, Kylo takes Rey to see Supreme Leader Snoke with Rey believing the Kylo will turn because she felt the warm, fuzzy feelings inside him. But now, it's time to see the big bad himself, Snoke.**

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: Young Rey. Welcome.**_

"Okay, is it just me or does Snoke look like he's wearing Hugh Hefner's velvet smoking jacket?" Sean asked after noticing Snoke's robe. "What's next, you're going to have him smoke a pipe as well?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut back Finn and Rose as DJ gets ready to shut the down tracker. While that's going on, it literally turns into** _ **Crimson Tide**_ **when Vice Admiral Holdo starts shooting up the place with a stun gun and fighting her way to the bridge to stop Poe's mutiny. Then, we cut back to Finn and Rose as they get ready to shut down the tracker on the Star Destroyer but they end up getting caught by…**

 **(We see that Captain Phasma is still alive)**

 _ **Captain Phasma (Played by Gwendolyn Christie): FN-2187. So good to have you back.**_

"Yes! Phasma's back, baby!" Sean cheered.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Captain Phasma, once again played by Gwendolyn Christie, is back and how did she manage to get out of the garbage disposal? The same way Luke, Han, Leia and Chewie did back in** _ **A New Hope**_ **. Aside from Finn and Rose getting captured, Poe defends himself as the doors to the bridge explodes only for Holdo to kick his ass.**

 **(We see that it's not Holdo that enters the bridge, a recovered Leia enters the bridge)**

 _ **Poe Dameron: Leia.**_

 **(Leia doesn't say a word and stuns Poe)**

"Uh, welcome back?" Brian said. "Also, on DJ, I'm pretty sure that's not his real name."

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Leia ends Poe's mutiny, it's time for the evacuation as Holdo stays behind. Meanwhile, with Rey, she confronts Snoke and I swear they're ripping off the throne room scene with Luke, Vader and the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.**

 _ **Rey: You underestimate Skywalker, and Ben Solo, and me. It will be your downfall.**_

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: (Whispers) Oh… Have you seen something? A weakness in my apprentice. Is that why you came? (Laughs) Young fool. It was I who bridged your minds. I stoked Ren's conflicted soul. I knew he was not strong enough to hide it from you. And you were not wise enough to resist the bait.**_

"That's boring. Quit boring everyone!" Brian said, imitating Homer Simpson.

"Yeah, dude. Why don't you use the Force to torture her for a bit and use that shot for the trailer?" Sean asked.

 **(Snoke forces Rey into the air)**

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: Give… me… everything.**_

 **(Kylo watches as Rey screams in agony)**

"Jeez! That got dark from zero to sixty. Hell, this whole movie is dark." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Back with the Resistance, Poe comes to from his power nap as Leia tells him about Holdo's evacuation plan, which is to retreat to an abandoned Rebel Alliance base on the mineral planet Crait.**

 _ **General Leia Organa: Holdo knew the First Order was tracking our big ship. They're not monitoring for little transports.**_

 _ **Poe Dameron: So we could slip down to the surface unnoticed and hide till the First Order passes. That could work.**_

"Okay, can we agree that Poe is a fucking idiot?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, he should know the risks with that kind of idea." Brian said.

"Well, Leia and Holdo should've let him in on it at the first place." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Finn and Rose, they are brought to the Supremacy's hangar bay for a public execution in the presence of General Hux, who has a strange way of greeting stormtroopers who betray the First Order.**

 **(General Hux walks up to Finn and slaps him)**

"What the hell was that? Is this how First Order Generals say "Hello" in German?" Brian asked.

 **Sean: (V/O as General Hux) This is how we say "Hello" in German, FN-2187.**

 **(Hux slaps Finn)**

 _ **Captain Phasma: Your ship and payment as we agreed.**_

 **(We learn that DJ has sold out Finn and Rose, then a clip from the Kids WB show** _ **Freakazoid**_ **is shown)**

 **Jack Valenti (Voiced by the late Jack Valenti): Bum-bum-bum!**

"Never trust a hacker." Brian said.

"Especially actors who plays a hacker in the movie Hackers." Sean said as a photo of Angelina Jolie from _Hackers_ pop up.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So yeah, DJ sells them out and tells them the location of the Resistance base, which means it's time for the First Order to kill the Resistance scum. But enough about them in danger, let's check back in with Rey, who...**

 **(Rey tries to use the Force to take Anakin's lightsaber, but Snoke uses it to hit her on the head)**

"Oy. Rey, what were you thinking? Do you know who you're up against? This is a big bad-he will fuck you up with Force lightning-Sith Lord that you're dealing with. You're not that powerful." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Snoke shows Rey the Resistance on the transports getting wiped out. Am I getting a** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **vibe here? This is all too familiar. What's next is she going to grab her lightsaber and try to strike him down with it with all of her hatred and her journey towards the dark side will be complete?**

 **(Rey uses the Force to take Kylo's lightsaber and ignites it)**

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" Sean asked.

 _ **Supreme Leader Snoke: You have the spirit of at true Jedi!**_

"Okay, now whatever you do, don't start charging at..." Brian said.

 **(Rey charges right at Snoke with Kylo's lightsaber. Snoke picks up Rey with the Force and she lands in front of Ren)**

"You dumb bitch!" Brian exclaimed.

"Yeah, definitely not that bright." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And now, Snoke orders Kylo to fulfill his destiny as he picks up his lightsaber. But Rey still senses the warm fuzzy feelings inside him. Or just give him puppy dog eyes as Kylo gets ready to strike down his true enemy!**

 **(Kylo uses the Force to ignites Anakin's lightsaber and cuts him in half)**

"What the fuck?! Why was he even in this movie?! We don't even know where he came from or what his backstory is! Rian, you can't do that?! You know, what? You're right, he does have backup." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing Snoke getting sliced in half, Rey and Kylo, who's now a good guy, take on Snoke's crimson guards or Praetorian guards or as I like to call them crimson guards 2.0. Aside from them ripping off** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **with the apprentice killing the master and becoming good, this sequence here is pretty awesome. You get some really intense sword battles and a throne room on fire. What?**

"A flammable throne room? The Emperor never had a flammable throne room. Maybe it's because you shouldn't have red curtains in your goddamn throne room!" Sean yelled out.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After that awesome action sequence, it's time to save the fleet but Kylo suggests to let old things die and he wants Rey to join him.**

"Join him in the bedroom for some hot, sweaty sex?" Sean asked.

 _ **Kylo Ren: We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.**_

 _ **Rey: Don't do this, Ben. Please, don't go this way.**_

"Yeah, you're turning into your grandfather with that line. Don't go there." Brian said.

 _ **Kylo Ren: No, no. You're still holding on! Let go!**_

Sean laughs at a bit from Adam Driver's acting. "Okay, I don't care how ridiculous these movies get with it's moments but Adam Driver is the best thing about them."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kylo tells Rey the truth about her parents saying that they were filthy junk traders who sold her off for drinking money and that they're dead and buried in a grave in the Jakku desert. Ouch, the grim reality hurts.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Join me.**_

 **(Holds his hand out)**

"We can make the Reylo fans very happy. Plus, I wanna do you so hard." Brian said, imitating Kylo Ren.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But before Rey could make her choice by jumping on his lightsaber, we cut back to the Resistance, who are still getting massacred, until Holdo decides to do something about it. Then, it's back to Rey and Kylo.**

 **(The love theme from** _ **Dumb and Dumber**_ **plays as Rey holds her hand out and uses the Force to grab Anakin's lightsaber while Kylo does the same as the two struggle for possession)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) But wait, what's this? It looks like Vice Admiral Holdo has a plan as she sacrifices herself by ramming the Raddus into the Supremacy at lightspeed, cleaving it in two while Kylo and Rey break the lightsaber in two.**

"Okay, now that was awesome." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the chaos and a dozen First Order Star Destroyers destroyed, Finn and Rose get ready to escape the hangar but they get cornered by Phasma and her goons until they are saved by an unlikely hero.**

 **(We see that BB-8 has commandeered a docked AT-ST walker)**

"Now, that's one clever little droid." Brian said.

 **(The** _ **Mortal Kombat**_ **theme plays)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) And now it's time for Finn to duel his former commanding officer. It's former First Order stormtrooper versus Brienne of Tarth, who's going to win?**

 _ **Finn: Hey.**_

 **(Phasma turns around as Finn hits her in the face with the baton)**

 _ **Captain Phasma: You were always scum.**_

 _ **Finn: Rebel scum.**_

 **(Phasma falls to her death in a fiery chasm after the floor breaks)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, who's playing the janitor once more, sweeping up the floor until we see Taylor, who's playing Captain Phasma, who's on fire lands on the floor as Sean stops sweeping)**

 **Sean: (Stops sweeping and sees Phasma's burning body) Oh, come on! You know what? I quit. I'm done!**

 **(Sean walks away and leaves Phasma's body)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Snoke's chamber, where General Hux sees the Supreme Leader's corpse and a few of his dead guards at the scene then sees Kylo on the ground as he pulls out his blaster and…**

 **(Kylo wakes up as Hux puts his blaster away)**

"Oh, you're awake! I wasn't trying to kill you. Oh, no. Not me. Good 'ol General Armitage Hux. Just forget what you just saw. I'll take you to Kings Island and get you a blue ice cream." Sean said, imitating General Hux.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Kylo blames Rey for Snoke's death and orders Hux to prepare a ground assault on Crait. But Hitler Jr. doesn't like it when people who are not the Supreme Leader giving him orders.**

 _ **General Hux: Who do you think you're talking to? You presume to command my army? Our Supreme Leader is dead! We have no ruler!**_

 **(Kylo Force chokes Hux)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: The Supreme Leader is dead.**_

"I'm the Supreme Leader now. You follow my orders. Also, I served in the United States Marine Corps." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's time for the big climax as we see the Resistance on Crait. But wait, we need Finn and Rose for that big climax because the First Order is arriving with AT-M6 and AT-AT walkers and a big-ass cannon that can break down that big-ass door. And now, it's time to rip-off** _ **The Empire Strike Back's**_ **Battle of Hoth scene but instead of snowspeeders, you have old ski speeders to go up against killer First Order walkers.**

 _ **Poe Dameron: All right, listen up. I don't like these rust buckets and I don't like our odds, but...**_

 **(Poe's foot goes through the speeder)**

 _ **Poe Dameron: What the hell?**_

"You guys can't afford snowspeeders? Those are pieces of junk." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) So now, the battle begins with everybody shooting at each other and an army of TIE fighters shooting at them as well until the Millennium Falcon arrive to join in on the fun to draw the fighters away and I love how they use the music from A New Hope and Return of the Jedi for when the Falcon draws the TIEs away.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) With the Resistance taking heavy losses, Finn tries to sacrifice himself to destroy the First Order siege cannon, but Rose stops Finn from trying to kill himself, but ends up injuring herself.**

 _ **Finn: Why would you stop me?**_

 _ **Rose Tico: I saved you, dummy. That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.**_

 **(The siege cannon fires, blasting a hole in the fortress as Rose kisses Finn)**

"Well, Rose. At least you kissed a guy right when you screwed over Finn so the First Order could kill you all. Great job." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And with that, the Resistance are screwed. Aside from them broadcasting a distress signal to their allies in the Outer Rim, but receiving no response. So yeah, they're definitely fucked. Is there anyone there to save them? Who will be their last hope?**

 **(Music from the opening scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian starts playing as Luke suddenly arrives)**

 _ **General Leia Organa: Luke.**_

"Our lord and savior, Luke Skywalker is his name." Sean and Brian both said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luke is there to save the day, with a haircut and he hasn't shaved his beard. So, he talks to his sister for a bit before going out to confront Kylo…**

 _ **Kylo Ren: I want every gun we have to fire on that man.**_

 **(Hux looks at Kylo while Luke makes his stand)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: Do it.**_

 **(They fire on Luke)**

"Oh, well. He's dead." Sean said. "That was pointless."

 **(We see that Luke is still standing without a scratch on him and mocks the First Order's firepower with a brush of his shoulder. Then, some sunglasses pop up on him and a cigar in his mouth while the song** _ **The Next Episode**_ **by Snoop Dogg starts playing)**

"Sorry, I had to. This moment deserved a Thug Life moment." Sean said while Brian laughs.

 **Brian: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the most epic duel ever. It's master versus student. It's uncle versus nephew. So, they both duel, giving the Resistance time to escape as they follow the crystal dogs for the exit while Luke and Ren duel. And then Rey arrives, only to find a pile of rocks, which was supposed to be an exit for the Resistance. Back with Ren and Luke, their lightsaber duel continues with Luke evading Ren's attacks.**

 _ **Luke Skywalker: I failed you, Ben. I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Kylo Ren: I'm sure you are! The Resistance is dead. The war is over. And when I kill you, I will have killed the last Jedi.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong. The Rebellion is reborn today. The war is just beginning. And I will not be the last Jedi.**_

"He said the title of the movie." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But eventually, Rey puts her Force powers to good use when she lifts the rocks with the Force and reunites with Finn. While Kylo ends up striking down Luke. But whoops! Turns out it was a Force projection of Luke, so I guess the joke's on him.**

 _ **Kylo Ren: No.**_

 _ **Luke Skywalker: See you around, kid.**_

 **(Luke's Force projection fades away)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Girls**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Adam Sackler (Played by Adam Driver): (Yells) No fucking way!**_

 **(Kylo turns to see that the Resistance has escaped)**

 _ **Kylo Ren: NOOOOO!**_

"Hang on, if that was a Force hologram, then where's the real Luke?" Brian asked.

"He's still on Ahch-To and on the island." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Because of the Force projection being too much for him, Luke collapses from exhaustion, then stares at the binary sunset before he dies and his body vanishes, become one with the Force. Then the First Order storm the base but are too late when the Resistance escape on the Falcon, before him and Rey share another Force bonding moment.**

 **(The love theme from** _ **Dumb and Dumber**_ **, this time from the Airport scene, plays as Rey and Kylo share another Force bonding moment, then a sound clip from the movie plays as right before Rey shuts him out)**

 _ **Lloyd Christmas: Goodbye, my love!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, melodramatic ending just like The Empire Strikes Back, we see that Rey stole the books from the Jedi library. Good thing she didn't leave them at the library for them to burn up, Rey meets Poe, Luke is now one with the Force and it's time for the Resistance to rebuild a rebellion and back on Canto Bight, we see some kids telling the tale of Luke Skywalker. Then, we see one of the kids named Temiri Bragg, sums his broom with the Force. You know movie, you can be misleading with your title when you call it** _ **The Last Jedi**_ **.**

 **(The movie ends with Temiri Bragg gazing up to the stars. Then the film ends with the words "Written and Directed by RIAN JOHNSON")**

"And that was _Star Wars: The Last Jedi_. Well, how do say this about it?" Sean asked.

"It's good, but it has some of it's issues." Brian said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown again while the end credits theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Looking back at the movie, it's a mixed bag. The plot was all over the place and switching from one scenario to another and the film was explaining too much. Anyway, the movie was amazing, except when it has it's fair share of dumb moments.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) The film has it's flaws and it borrows stuff from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **and** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **. There were some things I like about the movie, The acting, John Williams' music score as always and the cinematography and it's the best looking Star Wars film I've ever seen.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's not the worst in the series and I have seen worse. I'm glad that I own it on Blu-Ray so I can watch the good parts over and over and skip some of the dumb and boring filler moments. Again, if you like the film, that's fine. If you don't, then skip this one until The Rise of Skywalker comes out.** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **is coming in at 3 guards gambling out of 5.**

"Well, that's all for _The Summer of Star Wars_. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.

"And I'm Brian." Brian said.

"And remember… don't mention fuel in the final Star Wars movie." Sean said.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Wipe that nervous expression off your face, Threepio.**_

 **And that's all for the Mayhem Critic's review of** _ **Star Wars: The Last Jedi**_ **and** _ **The Summer of Star Wars**_ **is finally over. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean takes a look at Disney Channel's finest, the** _ **Descendants Trilogy**_ **, to see if the franchise was the best or just plain silly. After that, which movie do you want me to review after the** _ **Descendants Trilogy**_ **? Here are the movies:**

 _ **Last Action Hero**_

 _ **It (2017)**_

 _ **Shazam!**_

 _ **Detective Pikachu**_

 _ **Interesting Factoid: Mask of the Phantasm**_

 _ **Home Improvement**_

 **Feel free to take your pick. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorite, follow it for future updates and feel free to leave a comment on it. If you want to co-review any movie or a television show, feel free to leave me a message. Also, aside from working on The Mayhem Critic, I will be working on a new** _ **American Housewife**_ **story and it's another** _ **Who's Better**_ **story. It's called** _ **Who's Better?: Oliver or Taylor?**_ **. In this one, it involves Taylor and Oliver see who's better in bed with Brie. And I also have another one, it's called** _ **Alone Together**_ **. In this one, Katie, Greg and Anna-Kat are out of town, which means Taylor and Oliver have the whole house to themselves. While Oliver is out with his girlfriend Brie, Taylor invites Trip over and the two of them have themselves some private time with each other. I might add Brie and Oliver to the mix in the story. If anyone wants to co-review either** _ **Who's Better?: Oliver or Taylor**_ **or** _ **Alone Together**_ **, feel free to let me know if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time for another installment of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	70. Episode 66: Descendants Trilogy

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome to another hilarious chapter and review of** _ **The Mayhem Critic.**_ **Today, Sean takes a look at one of Disney Channel's finest original movies, the** _ **Descendants**_ **trilogy. As a special treat, Sean reviews all three of them in one review. That's right, I said it, all three movies in one review. So sit back, relax, fix yourself some popcorn and grab yourself a nice cold one, here's the review of the** _ **Descendants**_ **trilogy. Enjoy reading the review.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Disney's Descendants**_ **is owned by Disney Channel.**

 **Episode Sixty-Six**

 **Descendants Trilogy**

 **This Review Is Dedicated to the Memory of**

 **Cameron Boyce**

 **We'll miss you.**

Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic is seen sitting on the couch in his living room with his Miami University baseball cap and without his signature glasses on his face since he's now wearing contacts as he starts his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about Disney villains."

 **(We see photos of Disney villains like the Evil Queen, Cruella di Vil, Maleficent, Captain Hook, Clayton, Scar, Professor Rattigan, Sykes, Chernabog, Frollo, Ursula, Hades and Jafar are shown while** _ **Night at Bald Mountain**_ **starts playing. Then clips from classic Disney movies are shown like** _ **Tangled, The Princess and the Frog, A Bug's Life, Beauty and the Beast, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Return of Jafar, Wreck it Ralph, The Jungle Book, Mulan, Cinderella, The Rescuers Down Under, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Robin Hood**_ **and** _ **The Incredibles**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) These are some of the nasties, cruel, wicked and most evil sons of bitches that the happiest place on Earth have ever given us. And you know what, Disney is known for having some of the best movie villains in cinematic history. And this is coming from a kind, enchanting enterprise. You have villains like Frollo, Scar, Maleficent, Lady Tremaine, Jafar and so much more that there's so many to name.**

"So, the execs at Disney Channel figured out that they could come up with. Having some of Disney's finest villains and giving them children. The results: the next _High School Musical_ for a new generation. _Disney's Descendants_." Sean said.

 **(The title for Descendants is shown as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The film aired on Disney Channel on July 31, 2015. This was the biggest movie event of the century. The film was directed by Kenny Ortega, who's known for directing the movie** _ **Newsies**_ **,** _ **Hocus Pocus**_ **and the** _ **High School Musical**_ **trilogy. The film garnered some positive reviews and 6.6 million viewers, making it the most popular DCOM on Disney Channel.**

 **(The poster for** _ **Z-O-M-B-I-E-S**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from** _ **Z-O-M-B-I-E-S**_ **, which is getting a sequel next year. The film stars Dove Cameron, Sofia Carson, Booboo Stewart and the late Cameron Boyce as the teenage children of Maleficent, Jafar, the Evil Queen and Cruella de Vil. After the film aired, the movie got two sequels,** _ **Descendants 2**_ **and** _ **Descendants 3**_ **.**

"So, as a special treat for all you _Descendants_ fans, I'm going to be reviewing all three of the _Descendants_ movies. We got a lot of movie to review and little time to do it. So, let's dive right in." Sean said.

 **("Descendants" begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Alright, no time wasting, let's just start. We get a narration from Mal, who gives us a backstory on what happened twenty years ago after Belle and Beast got married and became king and queen. They established the United States of Auradon, rounding up the villains and banishing them to the Isle of the Lost, which is surrounded by a magical barrier to keep them there.**

 _ **Mal (Played by Dove Cameron): (Narrating) This is my hood. No magic, no Wi-Fi, no way out.**_

"Wait, no Wi-Fi? How will they live without Internet porn?" Sean asked. "Do they have any nudie mags at the Isle of the Lost?"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Belle and Beast's son named Ben, played by Mitchell Hope, will somehow become king at age 16. Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work that way.**

 _ **Ben (Played by Mitchell Hope): I've chosen my first official proclamation. I've decide that the children on the Isle of the Lost be given a chance to live here in Auradon.**_

 **(Beast and Belle both gasp at what Ben wants to do)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Ben wants the children on the Isle of the Lost be given a chance to live in Auradon and he's picked out four selected children.**

 _ **Belle (Played by Keegan Connor Tracy): Who are their parents?**_

 _ **Ben: Cruella di Vil, Jafar, Evil Queen and Maleficent.**_

 _ **(Ben's tailor gasps in shock after hearing the name Maleficent)**_

 _ **Beast (Played by Dan Payne): Maleficent?! She is the worst villain in the land!**_

"It's bad enough that she's getting a sequel coming up this year." Sean said, imitating Beast.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ben says that their children need a chance so, Beast agrees. And then we cut to the Isle of the Lost, where we're introduced to the villain kids, Mal played by Dove Cameron, Evie played by Sofia Carson, Carlos played by Cameron Boyce and Jay played by Booboo Stewart and immediately we get our first musical number called Rotten to the Core. I know, you all want me to talk about the songs in the review. I won't talk about the songs but I'll mention them. We do see that they're the children of Cruella di Vil played by Wendy Raquel Robinson, Evil Queen played by Kathy Najimy, Jafar played by Maz Jobrani and Maleficent played brilliantly by Kristen Chenoweth.**

 _ **Maleficent (Played by Kristen Chenoweth): Stealing candy, Mal? I'm so disappointed.**_

 _ **Mal: It was from a baby.**_

"Only in a DCOM movie you get to hear a stealing candy from a baby joke." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, I love Kristen Chenoweth's performance in the movie, she just shines. She's the best thing about this movie.**

 _ **Maleficent: You four have been chosen to go to a different school in Auradon**_ **.**

 **(Evie, Carlos and Jay try to make a run for it but Maleficent's thugs grab them)**

 _ **Mal: What? I'm not going to some boarding school filled to the brim with prissy pink princesses!**_

 _ **Evie (Played by Sofia Carson): And perfect princes.**_

 **(Mal turns to Evie and gives her a look)**

 _ **Jay (Played by Booboo Stewart): Yeah, and I don't do uniforms. Unless it's leather. You feel me?**_

 _ **Carlos (Played by the late Cameron Boyce): I read somewhere that they allow dogs in Auradon. Mom said they're rabid pack animals who eat boys who don't behave.**_

"Yup, brainwashed." Sean said.

 _ **Maleficent: You will go. You will find the Fairy Godmother and you will bring me back her magic wand.**_

 _ **Mal: What's in it for us?**_

 **(Maleficent throws her nail file over her shoulder)**

 _ **Maleficent: It's all about you and me, baby. Do you enjoy watching innocent people suffer?**_

 _ **Mal: Well, yeah. I mean, who doesn't...**_

 _ **Maleficent: Well, the get me the wand and you and I can see all that and so much more. And with that wand and my scepter, I will be able to bend both good and evil to my will.**_

 _ **Evil Queen (Played by Kathy Najimy): Our will.**_

 _ **Maleficent: Our will, our will.**_

"Geez, Maleficent. Try and take all the power for yourself and not share it with anybody else." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, long story short, Maleficent wants them to steal the Fairy Godmother's wand to, you guessed it, take over the world.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Street Fighter**_ **is shown)**

 _ **M. Bison (Played by the late Raul Julia): Of course!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they say farewell to their villain parents as the magical limo picks them up and takes them to the magical world of Auradon and they're taken to the Auradon Prep School and greeted by Prince Ben and his 2008 Justin Bieber haircut and the Fairy Godmother, played by Melanie Paxson.**

 _ **Fairy Godmother (Played by Melanie Paxson) Welcome to Auradon Prep. I'm Fairy Godmother, headmistress.**_

 _ **Mal: The Fairy Godmother? As in, "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo"?**_

"No, Mal. "Fairy Godmother" as in "Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother.", what do you think?" Sean asked, referencing the edited line from the movie _The Usual Suspects_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ben introduces himself to the Villain Kids and we're introduced to the obligatory c-u-next Tuesday of this movie, Audrey…**

 _ **Audrey (Played by Sarah Jeffery): Princess Audrey.**_

"Ugh!" Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, that's Princess Audrey played by Sarah Jeffery, and she happens to be Ben's girlfriend.**

 _ **Audrey: (To Mal) Hey! You're Maleficent's daughter, aren't you? Yeah, you know what? I totally do not blame you for your mother trying to kill my parents and stuff. Oh, my mother's Aurora. Sleeping Beauty.**_

"Yeah, Audrey. We know who your mother is. I've seen the movie and your grandparent's didn't invite Mal's mom to your mother's stupid christening when she was a baby. God, I hate you." Sean said.

 _ **Audrey: Water under the bridge.**_

 _ **Mal: Totes.**_

 **(Mal and Audrey laugh and sigh)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before Mal could turn into a dragon and turn that bitch into a crisp, Ben shows them around the school and the kids get tours to their dorm rooms as Dopey's son Doug, played by Zachary Gibson, become infatuated to Evie. Hell, I would too if I see Sofia Carson lookin' smokin' hot and bangable with blue hair. My magic wand will be goin' outta control for her. So, when nightfall arrives, Mal and the gang sneak into the Museum of Cultural History to steal the Fairy Godmother's wand. But first, they have to get past the guard and how do they do that? Well, Mal has her mother's handy-dandy spellbook to make the guard prick his finger on her mother's spinning wheel. By the way, love the neat little easter eggs from the Disney movies. And the guard ends up falling asleep.**

 **(The security guard pricks his finger and ends up falling asleep)**

 _ **Mal: Not so dorky now, huh? (Smiles)**_

"Uh, yeah. From what I recall from Sleeping Beauty, the only way to wake someone up from the spell is with a kiss. Boy, can you imagine how awkward it's going to be the next morning when the other guards find their buddy asleep?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)  
**

**(We see Sean, Oliver and Brian playing the security guards. Brian is asleep while Sean and Oliver stand over him, trying to figure what to do)**

 **Sean: (as Security Guard Fred) So, uh, are you gonna do it, George?**

 **Oliver: (as Security Guard George) What are you crazy? I'm not doing it. You do it.**

 **Sean: Forget it, I'm not kissing him.**

 **Oliver: Oh well. Guess that means, goodbye Barney.**

 **(Sean and Oliver walk away while Brian stays asleep)**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) While looking for the wand, they come across the Gallery of Villains, where they see statues of their parents and Mal begins to question herself about being good and evil the best way she could think of… by song, of course.**

 **(The song "Evil Like Me" starts)**

 _ **Mal: (Sings) Look at you, look at me**_

 _ **I don't know who to be mother,**_

 _ **Is it wrong, is it right,**_

 _ **Be a thief in the night mother,**_

 _ **Tell me what to do**_

 _ **Evie: Mal. Come on.**_

 **(The statue of Maleficent comes to life as Maleficent starts laughing)**

Sean starts screaming like Homer Simpson after the statue of Maleficent comes to life.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we get our next song of the film called Evil Like Me, a song I like in the movie and boy Kristen Chenoweth and Dove Cameron shine in this once. Now, I could keep talking about the song but right now they found the Fairy Godmother's wand. Well, that was easy. Now, all they have to do is to shut off the alarm and…**

 **(Jay tries to grab the wand but fails as he accidentally sets the alarm off)**

"You morons didn't think that it would be that easy, did you?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, big fail. Thanks to Jay's stupidity. And because of his stupidity, they start their first day of school and of course things start off a little award.**

"Well, isn't that always when you have your first day of school?" Sean asked.

 _ **Fairy Godmother: If someone hands you a crying baby, do you: A. Curse it? B. Lock it in a tower? C. Give it a bottle? Or D. Carve out it's heart?**_

 **(Mal is seen busy drawing the wand)**

 _ **Fairy Godmother: Mal?**_

 _ **Mal: C. Give it a bottle.**_

 _ **Fairy Godmother: (Smiles) Correct, again.**_

"NEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRD!" Sean yelled out, imitating Homer Simpson.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we're introduced to the Fairy Godmother's daughter Jane, played by Breanna D'Amico, and I have to say that Jane is an awkward little something when she first sees the Villain Kids. But as luck would have it, Mal runs into Jane in the girl's restroom and pretends to be her friend by doing this.**

 _ **Mal: Beware or swear, replace the old with brand-new hair.**_

 **(Mal changes Jane's hair and gives her perfectly good hair)**

"By making Jane go from not to HELLLOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean smiled.

 _ **Jane (Played by Breanna D'Amico): Do my nose.**_

 _ **Mal: Oh, I can't. I've been practicing.**_

"Jane, you're perfect just the way you are. Now, if only there's a spell to give you the ass of Cali Carter and the breasts of Reagan Foxx. You'll be bangably hot." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mal's plan was to pretend to be friends with Jane by giving her good hair in hopes of getting the wand because that's how great friendships start. So, while all this is going on, we check back in with the other VKs having their own little adventures like Evie having a thing for Cinderella and Prince Charming's son Chad Charming, played by Jedidiah Goodacre, who's a bit of a dumbass, Jay starts playing some kind of sport and join the school's team and Carlos, who has a run-in with the school's dog.**

 **(We see Carlos running away from a dog)**

 **Carlos: Ah! No, wait! (Screams while he keeps running)**

 **Ben: Carlos? Carlos!**

 **(Ben goes after Carlos and the dog as Carlos runs into the woods and climbs a tree)**

 _ **Carlos: Ben, help me! This thing is a killer! He's gonna chase me down and rip out my throat. This is a vicious rabid pack animal!**_

 _ **Ben: (Picks up the dog) Hey, who told you that?**_

 _ **Carlos: My mother.**_

"Really, dude? Why are you acting like the dog has rabies or something. He's not going to bite you. He's adorable." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Carlos realizes that dogs are not dangerous and he befriends the school's dog named Dude. Back with Evie, she meets with Chad underneath the bleachers for hot action and wanting to get laid by him, but his dumb-ass self was just wanting her to do his homework. Anyway, we're introduced to another character by the name of Lonnie, played by Dianne Doan. Lonnie is the daughter of Mulan. Anyway, Lonnie heard what Mal did to Jane's hair and wants Mal to change her hair.**

 **(Mal changes Lonnie's hair, we then see Lonnie standing in front of a mirror)  
**

_**Lonnie (Played by Dianne Doan): I love it.**_

 _ **Evie: You do?**_

 _ **Lonnie: It's just…**_

 **(Lonnie rips her skirt)**

 _ **Lonnie: Now, I'm cool.**_

 _ **Mal: Like ice.**_

"Oh, my God. Mal, please don't. I had enough ice puns Schwarzenegger when I reviewed _Batman & Robin_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Moving on. Later in the movie, we learn that at Ben's coronation ceremony. You know, when he becomes king. The Fairy Godmother is going to use her magic wand for I don't know, for something. Maybe conjure up** _ **Detective Pikachu**_ **. Everyone at the whole school is going to attend. Which gives those little rascals a chance to take the wand and use it to, you guessed it, take over the world.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Street Fighter**_ **is shown)**

 _ **M. Bison: Of course!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But there's one teeny tiny little problem, though.**

 _ **Mal: Um, is it true that we all get to go to your coronation?**_

 _ **Ben: Yeah, the whole school goes.**_

 _ **Mal: Wow. That is beyond exciting. Do you think there's a possibility that the four of us could stand in the front row next to the Fairy Godmother, just so we could soak up all that juicy goodness?**_

 _ **Ben: I wish you could. Up front it's just me, my folks and my girlfriend.**_

 _ **Mal: And your girlfriend?**_

 _ **Ben: Yeah. I'm sorry.**_

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Sean asked, imitating the Brain.

 **(A clip from** _ **Pinky and the Brain**_ **is shown. R.I.P. Gordon Bressack)**

 _ **Pinky (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): I think so, Brainy. But why would anyone want to Pierce Brosnan?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After hearing this important useful information, Mal has come up with a perfect plan in order to steal the magic wand is by making a magic love cookie for Ben to try to brainwash him to break-up with Audrey and falling in love with Mal instead.**

"Uh, isn't that unnecessary? Yeah, if I was 16 again and some hot girl with purple hair walked up to me and gave me a cookie, yeah, let's just say that I don't make it to adulthood." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben takes the cookie and eats it and then…**

 **(Ben eats the cookie)**

 _ **Mal: How are they?**_

 _ **Ben: They're good. They're great! They're amazing!/The chocolate… the chocolate… the chocolate chips are… (Starts feeling the effects of the love spell) I'm sorry. Um…**_

"Yeah, this is what happens when you give someone a cookie that doesn't taste right. They would be sick to their stomach." Sean said.

 _ **Ben: Mal, have you always had those little golden flecks in your eyes?**_

 **(Mal grabs the cookie and puts it back in the bag)**

 _ **Jay: How are you feeling, bro?**_

Sean starts laughing a bit. "Jay, dude. My genie. Are you okay? What is going on with you? See? Because of stuff like this you Descendants fans write about Jay and Ben for your dirty fanfiction. And then there's some that started writing an Umevie smut story. Unless someone makes that happen."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the magic love cookie worked. Well, a little too well that after the school's tourney game, Ben declares his love for Mal when he starts singing a song to her.**

 **(The song "Did I Mention" starts playing)**

 _ **Ben: (Sings) Did I mention that I'm in love with you?**_

 _ **Did I mention there's nothing I can do and did happen to say.**_

 _ **I dream of you everyday. But let me shout it out loud.**_

"Oh, my God. And I thought Jerry O'Connell made a fool of himself when he sang to Neve Campbell in the cafeteria while standing on a table in _Scream 2_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, because of Ben falling head over heels with Mal, this angers Audrey which she dumps Ben for that idiot Chad Charming, which upsets Evie. Oh, come on Evie. That guy's not right for you. He pulled the ultimate dick move by having your magic mirror taken away.**

 **(A picture of Chad Charming is shown)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Douchebag!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben asks Mal out on a date. So, she goes to Evie, who helps her get ready.**

"Well, you know what this means for a movie like this? A MAKEOVER SCENE!" Sean yelled out and starts squealing like a teenage girl.

 **(Mal checks herself out in the mirror and smiles)**

 _ **Evie: I know.**_

 _ **Mal: I look…**_

 _ **Evie: Say it.**_

 _ **Mal: Not hideous.**_

 _ **Evie: Not even close.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Community**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chang (Played by Ken Jeong): Ha! Gay!**_

"Come on! It's no surprise. You have people on Fanfiction writing erotic lesbian stories of Mal and Evie." Sean said. "I still gotta work on that Malvie one-shot."

 **(Ben stands in front of the door and sees Mal in her outfit)**

 _ **Ben: For the first time, I understand the difference between pretty and beautiful.**_

Sean begins to start dry-heaving like Jim Carrey's character from off of _Dumb and Dumber_ , then he covers his mouth before leaving the room.

 **Sean: (Narrating) During their date, which is super romantic when Ben takes Mal to the enchanted forest and they have a picnic by the lake. Then out of nowhere, Ben wants to go for a swim but Mal wants to stuff her face with some strawberries and then…**

 **(The love theme from** _ **Dumb & Dumber**_ **starts playing as Mal sees a shirtless Ben standing on top of some rocks in his swimtrunks)**

"And there's your fan service right there, girls. I hope that you're happy and having naughty fantasies about Ben. Don't act like you don't!" Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Mal gets a good look at Ben's abs and then she starts singing a song about how she's falling in love with Ben and his abs.**

 **(The song "If Only" plays)**

 _ **Mal: (Sings) If only I knew what my heart was telling me.**_

 _ **Don't know what I'm feeling.**_

 _ **Is this just a dream?**_

"Okay, I have to say that I got nothing bad to say about this song. As much as I make fun of this movie, I find this song enjoyable just to watch Dove Cameron sing her heart out. The song is filled with sweet emotion and it's one of the best songs in the movie and in the soundtrack." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Mal finishes her song, she doesn't find Ben surfacing from the lake, so she jumps right in to find him. But there's one little problem, though. SHE CAN'T SWIM!**

 **(The drowning music from Sonic the Hedgehog plays as Mal thrashes around in the water but the music stops as Ben helps her get out)**

 _ **Mal: You scared me!**_

 _ **Ben: You… you can't swim?**_

"Dude, she lives on an island with a barrier around it. You think she knows how to swim? Didn't you hear me play the music from Sonic the Hedgehog earlier while she was in the water?" Sean asked.

 _ **Ben: Uh, Mal… I told you that I loved you. What about you? Do you love me?**_

 _ **Mal: I don't know what love feels like.**_

 _ **Ben: Maybe I can teach you.**_

"Ben gazes deeply into Mal's emerald green eyes as he slowly leans in to give her an enchanted kiss on her soft, pink lips…." Sean said, while working on a Ben/Mal fanfic on his laptop before looking up at the camera and stops typing. "Oh, uh… let's move on."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, it's Family Day at Auradon Prep and…**

 **(The song "Be Our Guest" starts playing)**

 _ **Ben: (Sings) Ma chere Mademoiselle,**_

 _ **It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure….**_

"Oh, Jesus." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is the low point of this movie. A hip-hop rendition of Be Our Guest. Why would you think that this is a good idea? Man, Howard Ashman is spitting in his grave from hearing this. Anyway, Ben introduces Mal to his parents and they seem to be taking a liking to her, even though she's the daughter of Maleficent. And speaking of Maleficent, Audrey's grandmother, Queen Leah played by Judith Maxie, talks to Mal and when that bitch of a granddaughter appears, this happens.**

 _ **Queen Leah (Played by Judith Maxie): (Mistakes Mal for Maleficent) You! How are you here? And how have you stayed so young?**_

"Wrong person, lady." Sean said. "I think Audrey's grandma is off her meds."

 _ **Queen Leah: My daughter was raised by fairies because of your mother's curse. So her first words, her first steps, I missed it all!**_

"That's because you didn't invite her mother to your daughter's christening, you stupid idiot!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Because of Queen Leah mistaken Mal for her mother, it's Ben's fault for bringing the Villain Kids to Auradon. So now, it's time for Mal and her friends to face the world again and be shunned like outcasts.**

 _ **Audrey: How long does she think that's gonna last? Mal is just the bad girl infatuation.**_

 _ **Jane: Yeah. I mean, he's never gonna make a villain a queen.**_

"Jane, shut the fuck. This is why I don't like your ass in this one because of what you said to my favorite character Mal. And for that, you must pay the price." Sean said.

 _ **Mal: Beware, forswear, undo Jane's hair.**_

 **(Mal undoes Jane's hair after she mocks her and everyone laughs at her)**

 _ **Mal: There's a lot more where that came from.**_

 **(The words "Thug Life" pop up on the screen while a pair of sunglasses appear on Mal's face and a gold chain around her neck while the song "Fuck You" by Dr. Dre starts playing)**

"Okay, Mal's a straight-up savage for that one. Jane should've shut her mouth. Serves you right for mocking a Villain Kid." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then come to the day of Ben's coronation and it's finally time to get that magic wand. Now, Mal plans to undo her love spell on Ben before taking over the whole world by giving him a cupcake with the anti-love spell.**

 **(Ben eats the cupcake)**

 **** _ **Mal: No!**_

 _ **Ben: (While eating the cupcake) Mm. Mm… Mm! This is really good.**_

 _ **Mal: Uh, do you…**_

 _ **Ben: Mal?**_

 _ **Mal: Do you feel okay?**_

 _ **Ben: You bet.**_

 _ **Mal: Would you say that you're still in… that… that you have very strong feelings for me?**_

 _ **Ben: I'm not sure. I mean, let's give the anti-love potion a few minutes to take effect.**_

 _ **Mal: Okay. (Realizes what Ben just said) What? What? You knew?**_

 _ **Ben: That you spelled me? Yeah, Yeah, I knew.**_

"Oh, my God! He knew! Serpentine, Mal! Serpentine!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Ben knew that Mal spelled him and on their first date her spell washed away in the enchanted lake and yeah his feeling for her are real. Anyway, the coronation starts and I've got to say for a Disney Channel Original Movie, their green screen effects are not that good. Look, I know that they don't have the biggest budgets but how have their green screen technology not getting any better. I've seen better effects in Halloweentown. So, the Fairy Godmother takes out her wand and Mal snatches the wand from her grasps and breaks the barrier around the Isle of the Lost, freeing the Disney Villains…**

"Uh, Sean." Dave said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"Mal didn't take the wand." Dave said.

"Huh? Wait, if Mal didn't take the wand, then who did?" Sean asked.

 _ **Fairy Godmother: Child, what are you doing?!**_

 _ **Jane: (While holding the wand) If you won't make me beautiful, I'll do it myself!**_

"Are you frickin' kidding me?! Jane takes her mother's wand just so she can look pretty. That's her plan? Geez, Disney Channel movies. They don't always make sense." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mal takes the wand away from Jane and she's getting ready to do whatever the hell it is she's going to do, but the warm fuzzy feelings inside her is telling her something else.**

 _ **Mal: I think I want to be good.**_

 _ **Ben: You are good.**_

 _ **Mal: How do you know that?**_

"Because your thoughts betray you, Mal. I feel the good in you. The conflict." Sean said, imitating Ben.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And like every solution to every Disney Channel movie, you have to listen to your heart, and that's what they do. They follow their hearts and not their parents' evil ways. So Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay choose to be good for the rest of their lives and they return the wand to the Fairy Godmother and they all live happily ever after.**

"Well, that's all for Descendants. Now, it's time to move on to…" Sean said.

 **(Maleficent teleports ten seconds later at the coronation)**

"Goddamn it! I forgot there's a climax to the film." Sean said.

 _ **Maleficent: I'm back!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Maleficent arrives and she's not going anywhere until Mal hands over the wand but Mal tries to convince her that taking over the world may not be the best idea.**

 _ **Maleficent: I've had years and years and years and… Years of practice being evil. You'll get there.**_

 _ **Mal: No, I will not. And I really wish that you had never gotten there yourself. Love is not weak or ridiculous. It's actually really amazing.**_

"Oh, lord. Here we go. Trying to foil the big bad character with the power of love. How many times have we've seen that happen before? Uh, like in every movie ever." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mal grabs the wand back but her mother isn't going to be foiled easily by the power of love, so Maleficent turns into a dragon and attacks them.**

"Yeah, because that worked the first time when she fought Prince Philip in her dragon form and look what happened to her." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Sleeping Beauty**_ **is shown as we see Prince Philip throws his sword that was blessed by the fairies directly into Maleficent's heart)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then the big confrontation ultimately amounts to Mal and her mother having a staring contest.**

 **(Mal's eyes glow green as she stares into her mother's eyes)**

We cut back to Sean as we get a close-up shot on Sean's eyes.

"So, who's gonna win this contest, me or you?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that staring contest, Maleficent gets turned into a lizard because of something about having no love in her heart. I don't know, just roll with it. The mean kids are all nice to the Villain Kids and the film ends with another catchy song and a good musical number.**

 **(The song "Set It Off" plays)**

 _ **Everyone: (Sings) Let's set it off! Oh yeah (oh, yeah)**_

 _ **Start a chain reaction,**_

 _ **Never let it stop!**_

 _ **Let's set it off, oh yeah (oh, yeah)**_

 _ **You can make it happen**_

 _ **With everything you got!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating and they all live happily ever after…**

 **(Mal gives the audience a sly smile and flashes her green eyes)**

 _ **Mal: (Narrating) You didn't think that this was the end of the story, did you?**_

"Goddamn it. Thank you for sequelbaiting us, Mal." Sean said.

 **(The title card for "Descendants 2" is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Which brings us to Descendants 2, the sequel to the most popular movie Descendants. The movie aired on July 21, 2017 and everybody tuned in on that night, literally. Because they showed that movie not only on Disney Channel but on Disney XD, ABC, Freeform, Lifetime and Lifetime Movies.**

"Because when you think of Lifetime and Lifetime Movies, you think of thrillers on Lifetime and _Dance Moms_ and shows of the female demographic." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie reunited some of the cast from the first film and Kenny Ortega returned to direct this movie, well let's examine** _ **Descendants 2**_ **and…**

 **(The first musical number "Ways to Be Wicked" starts)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Immediately, the movie begins with three-minute long musical number with Mal and her friends spreading evil throughout Auradon Prep through bewitched apples, but it turns out it was just a dream as we see Mal, who's sporting Addison's hair color while she's being bombarded by paparazzi.**

"Uh, what? The movie opens with a song and I have a question: why open the movie with a song, which is awesome by the way, but when the song ends, it doesn't Segway properly. It felt so random and out of place by opening the movie with a song and ending it with paparazzi. Just so random." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Mal is trying to get adjusted to life in Auradon. She's now dating Prince Ben. (Clears his throat) Wait, he's now king. Not only she's dating him, she is studying to become the Lady of the Court for the Royal Cotillion. Mal is still struggling to become all proper and good in this world she still resorts to using magic, much to Evie's dismay.**

 _ **Mal: Evie, you remember what I was like before I started using my spell book? I mean, I was a complete disaster.**_

 _ **Evie: Well, personally, as your best friend. I strongly believe that this spell book… (Grabs the spell book from out of Mal's hand)**_

 _ **Mal: Ah!**_

 _ **Evie: It belongs in the museum, along with my mirror.**_

"Belongs in wha- what is this Indiana Jones?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): It belongs in a museum.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben wants to keep spoiling Mal with gifts and all because he wants to show off his amazing abs to her, so what does he give her?**

 **(Mal sees the purple scooter)**

 _ **Mal: (Gasps) What? Ben, does an ogre like cheese puffs? This is amazing! It's purple.**_

"Really? A scooter? A fucking scooter?! When dating the daughter of Maleficent, what kind of gift you think you could give her, the first thing that pops into your mind is a scooter. And where is she gonna drive that thing, you're on an island. Oh, shit. Now, I'm gonna have to play this clip." Sean said, pointing to his right.

 **(A clip from Donald Trump's response to the disaster in Puerto Rico is shown)**

 _ **Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's talk about the other characters for a bit. We have Evie running a pretty thriving business in fashion by making everyone's Cotillion outfits and oh yeah, she has a thing for Doug.**

"It's gotta be the glasses. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a deep voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then Jay and Carlos have a little subplots of their own that I have to talk about. First up, Jay. We see that he's the captain of the school's fencing team and spars with an unknown opponent who ends up whooping him. So, who is this unknown opponent you might ask?**

 **(The unknown opponent takes of his fencing mask and we see that it's Lonnie)**

 _ **Jane: It's Lonnie.**_

 **(Jane applauds)**

 _ **Jay: Not bad.**_

 _ **Lonnie: You should put me on the team.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yep, Mulan's daughter Lonnie wants to be on the fencing team but Chad Douchebag complains about having a girl in their fencing team.**

 _ **Chad Charming: (Pulls out the rulebook) Section 2, paragraph 3, 11-4. "A team will be comprised of a captain and eight men.". Hmm? Why don't you read the rulebook?**_

"Uh, Chad, who's mother kicked Shan Yu's ass. Oh, wait. Not your mother because she was busy being locked in her room by her stepmother. OHHHHHHHH!" Sean yelled out as he points at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we have Carlos, who's trying to ask out Jane to Cotillion but she's pretty busy with doing some planning business but he doesn't have the cojones to ask her out and he keeps getting friendzoned.**

 _ **Carlos: (While on his laptop) "How to get out of the friendzone.".**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seriously? You need your laptop to help you out with how to get out of the friendzone? Dude, just nut up and ask her out. It's not that hard.**

"Just tell Jane how you feel and ask her out. Hell, when I asked my girlfriend out I wasn't that nervous. We got together on Valentine's Day. That's how I asked her out." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Mal, who's under pressure with all this Lady of the Court-business whips up a little truth gummy for Carlos so he can tell Jane that he wants to bone her. But this ends worse than you think and this happens.**

 **(Dude eats the gummy instead)**

 _ **Mal: Bad dog!**_

 _ **Dude (Voiced by Bobby Moynihan): Man, that thing was nasty!**_

 **(Mal and Carlos look in shock as Dude talks)**

 _ **Dude: And you—you just got to man up. And while you're at it, scratch my butt.**_

"Did the dog just talk? Is it going to be one of those movies where there's a talking dog in it?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is the low point of the movie. Dude now has the voice of Louie from** _ **Ducktales**_ **and my God. Did they thought it was a good idea to have a talking dog in it? If I want to listen to a dog talking I'd rather watch Look Who's Talking Now. Meanwhile, we cut to the Isle of the Lost, where we're introduced to three new Villain Kids: Harry Hook, the son of Captain Hook, played by Thomas Doherty. Gil, the son of that idiot Gaston, played by Dylan Playfair. And Uma, the daughter of Ursula, played by** _ **A.N.T. Farm**_ **and** _ **Black Lightning's**_ **China Anne McClain. We see that Uma is bitter over Mal leaving the Isle and enjoying the good life in Auradon.**

 _ **Uma (Played by China Anne McClain): That snooty little witch, who grabbed everything she wanted and left me nothing.**_

 _ **Gil (Played by Dylan Playfair): No, she left you that sandbox, and then she said that you could have the shrimp ord…**_

 _ **Uma: I need you to stop talking.**_

 _ **Harry (Played by Thomas Doherty): Look, we have her turf now. They can stay in Bore-adon.**_

 _ **Uma: Harry, that's her turf now! And I want it too.**_

"Oh, yeah. A little power hungry as well. Jealous much?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the next song in this movie, the most annoying song. God help me.**

 **(The song "What's My Name?" starts playing)**

 _ **Uma: (Sings) What's my name? What's my name?**_

 _ **Everyone: (Chants) Uma!**_

 _ **Uma: (Sings) This is all hands on deck.**_

 _ **Calling out to lost boys and girls.**_

 _ **I'm getting' tired of the disrespect.**_

 _ **We won't stop 'til we rule the world!**_

"Oh, sweet Jesus. Can we just show a clip of Ursula singing Poor Unfortunate Soul?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Little Mermaid**_ **is shown as we see Ursula singing** _ **Poor Unfortunate Soul**_ **)**

"Thank you. I needed that just to contain my sanity." Sean said.

 _ **Uma: (Sings) What's my name? What's my name?**_

 _ **Everyone: (Chants) Uma!**_

 _ **Uma: (Sings) Say it louder!**_

 _ **What's my name? What's my name?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Will you quit asking everyone what your name is? We already know what your name is. We don't need a frickin' song and dance number.**

 **(Ursula's tentacle pops out and tries to whack Uma with it)**

 _ **Ursula (Voiced by Whoopi Goldberg): Shut your clams!**_

 _ **Uma: Mom!**_

 _ **Ursula: These dishes ain't gonna wash themselves!**_

"We get Ursula, played by Whoopi Goldberg, and for one scene? Really? C'mon, you guys." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Mal and Ben, who are having some private time to themselves with a nice little meal, until all that is ruined when Ben finds Mal's spellbook and learns that she lied.**

 _ **Mal: (Tries to spell Ben) Take back this moment that has past, return it… reverse it.**_

 _ **Ben: Are you trying to spell me right now?!**_

"Yeah, that's the perfect reaction for you when your girlfriend tries to spell you. Why couldn't you react to this when she spelled you? But no, you was like "Oh, I know you tried to spell me and you think I'm hot with my amazing abs, we're cool.". Dumbass!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Ben: Then why are you doing this?**_

 _ **Mal Because… I'm not one of those pretty pink princesses, Ben. I'm not one of those ladies from the Court. I'm a big fake, okay. I'm fake. This is fake. (Touches her hair) This is fake.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Animaniacs**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Otto Scratchensniff (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): (Gasps) It is not!**_

 **(Yakko, Wakko and Dot nod their heads)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess it's time for Ben to console her.**

 _ **Ben: (Grabs the peanut butter and jelly sandwich) Peanut butter and jelly is my favorite!**_

"Great job, Ben. Way to be sensitive to your girl. Stupid idiot." Sean muttered under his breath.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Mal packs up her things and her lizard mother as he leaves Auradon and heads back to the Isle of the Lost to reclaim her evil roots. Meanwhile, Evie tells Ben that Mal has gone back to the Isle of the Lost and she gives him the note that she wrote and her ring that she left.**

 _ **Ben: This is my fault. This is my fault. I-I blew it.**_

"Really? You think?!" Sean asked. "Dude, you should know that your little girlfriend has been under pressure lately and you should understand that. But no, you went all Beast mode on her. Fucking idiot."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben wants to go to the Isle so he can find Mal to apologize to her. But he's not going alone. He's going to have Evie, Jay and Carlos with him because hey he's an Auradon native and they don't take kindly to him. Back with Mal, she decides to stop off at Lady Tremaine's Curl Up & Dye. Get it? Get the pun? And we're introduced to another character of the movie. This adorable little ball of joy is Dizzy, the daughter of Drizella Tremaine and the granddaughter of Lady Tremaine, played by Anna Cathcart.**

 _ **Dizzy (Played by Anna Cathcart): (On Mal's hair) The washed-out blonde with purple tips? The best of no worlds. You can't see where your face ends and your hair begins!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) And I have to give this film some credit, that painting of Lucifer the cat is a nice touch, though. We get a little makeover montage and we get to see Mal's new hairstyle and…**

 **(We see that Mal got bangs in her hair)**

 _ **Mal: (Looks in the mirror) There I am.**_

"Oh, God. Mal, what did you do to your hair? Bangs, really? Is that the hairstyle you're going with? Look, I know that things were getting tough on you but seriously. That's not a good look for you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Harry shows up to collect the money from Dizzy because he's the Isle of the Lost version of a mobster.**

 _ **Mal: Still running errands for Uma or do you actually get to keep what you steal?**_

 _ **Harry: (Sees Mal) Well, well, well. What a nice surprise.**_

 _ **Mal: Hi, Harry.**_

 _ **Harry: Just wait until Uma hears you're back. She's never gonna give you back your old territory.**_

 _ **Mal: Oh, well, that's okay. Because I will be taking it.**_

 **(Harry strokes Mal's hair with his hook)**

 _ **Harry: I could hurt you.**_

"But I don't want to because we will be dating after this movie airs." Sean said as photos of Dove Cameron and Thomas Doherty are shown. "I'm not joking, this movie actually brought Dove Cameron and Thomas Doherty together."

 **(Mal sticks her gum on Harry's hook)**

 _ **Mal: Not without her permission, I bet.**_

 **(Harry then proceeds to chew Mal's already been chewed gum off of his hook)**

"Ewww! You know that gum's been in her mouth, right? ABC: Already Been Chewed." Sean said.

 **(We see Harry chewing Mal's gum once more)**

 _ **Announcer: The next best thing to a best friend.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with the VKs and Ben, they sneak over to the Isle of the Lost and they have Ben disguised as one of them, then he starts acting like every tourist in America, so they teach him how to blend in and how do they do it? Can you take a guess?**

 **(The song "Chillin' Like a Villain" plays)**

 _ **Chorus: (Sings) You'll be chillin', chillin', oh**_

 _ **Chillin' like a villain (chillin')**_

 _ **Chillin' like a villain (chillin')**_

 _ **Chillin' like a villain (hey)**_

 _ **Chillin' like, chillin' like (hey), a villain**_

"Another goddamn cheesy pop song. Where's the Jim Bean at?" Sean asked before getting up from off of the couch and leaving the room.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I swear, I'm going to have to do a drinking game every time a song starts playing. Hell, Ben can't even dance! So after that song and dance number, they bump into Gil, who recognizes Ben.**

 _ **Gil: Hey, I know you!**_

 _ **Ben: Uh, no. Don't know you either, man.**_

 _ **Gil: Uh, yeah, you do. Come on, man. Really? Huh? Dude, I'll give you a hint. My dad is quick, slick and his neck… Huh? Is incredibly thick.**_

"Not to mention your dad tried to kill his dad and tried to force your mother into an abusive marriage." Sean said, mentioning Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. "Come on, doesn't it ring any bells yet.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Gil's slow ass finally figured out that the king is hanging out on the wrong side of the tracks, so he reports to Uma at once. Back with Ben, he finds Mal in her hiding place and he tries to win her back and bring her home.**

 _ **Ben: Mal, I'm so sorry about our fight. It was my fault. It—(Pulls out Mal's ring) Please come home.**_

 _ **Mal: Ben, I am home.**_

 _ **Ben: I brought the limo. It's a sweet ride.**_

"Besides the air conditioning, it has surround sound, an UKHD television and a jacuzzi for us to relax in. Come on, babe. Don't you want to touch my amazing abs?" Sean asked. "We can play Uncharted 4 on my PS4 Pro."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Mal tells Ben that this is her home now because she feels that she's a bad influence and that she'll mess up again and makes all of Auradon hate her. So, she does the old reject him to save him bit.**

"Alright, how long until these two morons get back with each other? This is a waste of my fucking time." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A heartbroken Ben leaves and he gets himself kidnapped. I'm not fucking kidding, that idiot gets himself kidnapped. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! They let Ben get kidnapped by the enemy. I wonder how Mal would react to this.**

 _ **Mal: If you guys never would have brought him here, this never would have happened. What were you thinking?!**_

"See? Even Mal thinks you guys are stupid!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mal meets Uma at her mother's fish and chips shop, where the two of them have an exchange of words with each other.**

 _ **Mal: I'm still flattered that you dream of me. I haven't given you a thought since I left.**_

"Okay, now I came up with a fanfic idea about Mal and Uma having angry lesbian sex. Thanks a lot movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In order for her to get Ben back, Mal arm wrestles Uma. Seriously? Arm wrestling? Couldn't you two just duel it out with sais like Gladys Jones and Penny Peabody from Riverdale or a Dynasty-style catfight?**

 **(We see Mal's eyes glowing green while she's arm wrestling Uma)**

 _ **Uma: If I win… you bring me the wand.**_

 **(Uma beats Mal in arm wrestling)**

"Oh, shit! Not again. Haven't we been through this before?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This film is retreading plot points from the first film. You have the heroine torn between good and evil, using magic as a crutch and having the same McGuffin. In this case, the wand is the film's McGuffin again. So, in order to free Ben from Uma, they have to give her the wand, by having the boys to head back to Auradon to use Carlos' 3D printer to print out a wand, while Mal and Evie have a little duet about Evie questioning Mal about bottling up her real feelings and singing about their friendship and blah, blah, blah! Moving on. We cut to the set of Peter Pan, where we see Harry creeping on Ben while Ben tries to pull this bit on Uma.**

 _ **Ben: I get that you don't deserve this.**_

 _ **Uma: "This?" This island is a prison, thanks to your father. And don't pretend to look out for me. Because no one's looking out for me. It's just me.**_

"Yeah, she doesn't need your pity." Sean said.

 **Ben: I never thought of it like that before. That I could've hurt the people I didn't pick. My plan was to start with four kids and bring more people over.**

"Ben, you're an idiot! You know, you're starting to get on my nerves right now. THIS WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA TO BEGIN WITH! Boy, Belle and Adam raised a kid who's. Hmm, what's the word that I'm looking for?" Sean asked.

 **(Red Forman from That 70's Show pops up)**

 **Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Dumbass!**

"Thank you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Carlos and Jay return to the Isle with Lonnie joining them. Oh, yeah and Dude too. Why? Let's get the big climax going as Mal and her friends arrive and…**

 **(The song "It's Goin' Down" starts playing)**

 _ **Uma: (Sings) Huh, let's get this party started**_

 _ **I swear I'm cold-hearted**_

 _ **There's no negotiation**_

 _ **I'm not here for debatin'**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) (Sighs) The most awesome song ever. I'm not kidding, I find this song very enjoyable. Let's not forget the fact that they had a little rap battle, which is pretty silly seeing Mal and Uma having a rap battle. But hey, the choreography looks good. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Back to the plot. Mal give Uma the wand but Uma finds out that the wand is a fake, realizing that she's been had, so our heroes fight their way out with Carlos firing bad CGI smoke bombs an epic swordfight. Anyway, our heroes escape and the bad guys have been thwarted. Well, movie's over. Let's move on…**

 **(The words "40 Minutes Left" are shown on the screen flashing in red lettering)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Christ!**

"It's still not over?! We're not done yet?! We should've been wrapped up right now." Sean said,

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ugh! We still got the third act to cover. Let's wrap this one up quickly. While fleeing the Isle, Mal left her spell book behind. Oh, and there's some awkwardness between Mal and Ben while driving back to Auradon because Ben had a case of Stockholm Syndrome creeping up his ass because of Uma. We also wrap up some subplots for Carlos and Jay, with Carlos finally having the balls to ask Jane out and Jay gets Lonnie onto the fencing team as the new team captain. So, we finally get to the night of Cotillion when Ben stuns everyone by bringing Uma as his date. Wait, what?**

 **(Ben kisses Uma's ring in front of everyone, including Mal)**

 _ **Ben: I'm sorry. It all happened so fast. Something happened to me when I was on the Isle with Uma. A connection.**_

 _ **Mal: What are you saying?**_

 _ **Ben: I'm saying—**_

 _ **Uma: It was love. It was.**_

"Yeah, there's something fishy about this. I don't know. Maybe Uma is following the sins of the mother. Remember _The Little Mermaid_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While a heartbroken Mal gets ready to flee the scene, Jane realizes something's amiss when they unveil a gift for Mal and Ben, which is a stained glass painting of the two of them with Mal realizing that Ben loved the way she is. But then Ben has an announcement to make.**

 _ **Ben: Uma will be joining the court tonight as my lady.**_

 _ **Beast: Son…**_

 _ **Ben: Not now, Dad…!**_

"I'm acting!" Sean yelled out, imitating Ben.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ben announces that he's bringing down the barrier once and for all, but then Mal realizes that Ben has been spelled by Uma because the daughter of Ursula found her spell book and Mal comes up with a plan to snap Ben out of this.**

 _ **Mal: Ben, I know what love feels like now. Ben, of course I love you. Ben, I've always loved you.**_

 **(Mal kisses Ben, breaking the spell)**

 _ **Ben: Mal.**_

 _ **Evie: True love's kiss. Works every time.**_

"Well, duh. True love's kiss sets everything right for every Disney princess." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Uma isn't happy about Mal breaking her spell and having a happy ending with Ben, so she decides to act like her mother and turn into a giant octopus. Uh, Uma. Using a spell on a handsome prince and turning into a giant octopus didn't end well for your mother. In fact, this is what happened to her.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Little Mermaid**_ **is shown, showing Prince Eric ramming the ship into Ursula)**

"Yeah, she got turned into a shishkabob." Sean said.

 _ **Uma: True love's kiss won't defeat this. The world will know my name!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Mal is sick and tired of Uma's antics, so she turns into a dragon and tries to turn Uma into fried calamari. But then Ben is sick and tired of watching the senseless violence between them and decides to intervene.**

 **(Ben roars and jumps into the water and gets in between Mal and Uma)**

 _ **Ben: That's enough! It's got to stop! This isn't the answer! The fighting has got to stop!**_

"Really, Ben? You start roaring and jumping into the water and try to break this fight up! I was expecting you to turn into a beast like your father. Stupid!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So then Uma leaves after hearing Ben's words and Mal and Ben reunite. Mal gets rid of her spell book and Evie requests that Dizzy be allowed to attend Auradon Prep and Dizzy accepts. And everyone has a big song and dance number to end the film. And they all live happily ever after. The…**

 _ **Uma: (To the audience) What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you? (Laughs)**_

"What the fuck?!" Sean exclaimed.

 **("Descendants 3" begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Which brings us to the third and final film of the Descendants trilogy, Descendants 3. The third installment in the Descendants series. In this one, Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay return to the Isle of the Lost to choose four new villain kids, which are now known as VKs to take to Auradon. Those four lucky kids chosen to go to Auradon are Dizzy, Squeaky and Squirmy the sons of Mr. Smee played by Christian Convery and Luke Roessler, respectively. And Celia, the daughter of Dr. Facilier, played by Jadah Marie. Aside for choosing the four new kids to go to Auradon, tensions are running high as Mal keeps a lookout for Uma.**

 **(Ben sneaks up on Mal and surprises her from behind as Mal gasps in surprise)**

"Geez, Ben. Careful with trying to sneak up on your girlfriend like that. You almost dropped her over the railing."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the four new VKs, look who's back. Audrey's back. (Nonchalantly) Yay. So on the day of welcoming the new VKs to Auradon, Ben has a special announcement to Mal.**

 _ **Ben: (Gets down on one knee and pulls out a ring box) Mal, it's you and me. It's you and me forever. Will you marry me? (Opens the ring box to reveal a ring) Will you be my Queen?**_

 _ **Audrey: No!**_

"No? Look here, Audrey. Mal beat you. You had your chance. Besides, you're happy with that douchebag Chad Charming." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mal accepts Ben's proposal and everyone is happy for the happy couple. But not everyone is happy.**

 _ **Queen Leah: Audrey, you were supposed to be his Queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold onto a prince in her sleep.**_

"Comparing your granddaughter to your daughter while she was asleep? Shame on you, besides Maleficent put you and your husband asleep. Hell, the whole kingdom. So, you shut up, you old spidery broad." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's time to bring the new VKs to Auradon and while driving to Auradon, someone tries to escape. And that person happens to be Hades, god of the Underworld, played by Cheyenne Jackson. Hades tries to escape but Mal thwarts the god in her dragon form, until he uses an ember on her by draining her magic.**

 _ **Mal: He was draining all of my magic with the ember, and I felt all of my powers slipping away.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that eventful day, Audrey tries to contain her jealousy of Mal stealing Ben away from him. So how does she do it…**

 **(The song "Queen of Mean" starts playing)**

 _ **Audrey: (Sings) I followed all the rules**_

 _ **I drew inside the lines**_

 _ **I never asked for anything that wasn't mine…**_

"Uh, what are you doing?" Sean asked.

 _ **Audrey: (Sings) Being nice was my past time**_

 _ **But I've been hurt for the last time…**_

"Uh, why are you singing to me? Don't sing to me, little miss desperate. You deserve to be single." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Audrey sings about it and she goes down to the Auradon Museum to steal the Evil Queen's crown and Maleficent's scepter, turning her evil. So, yeah. Audrey's evil. What a surprise. She's was an evil bitch anyway. The next day, they learn about Hades' attempted escape and the theft at the museum. So Mal, as future Queen, comes up with the perfect solution.**

 _ **Mal: I think that there's only… one way to guarantee their safety. And I think that there… can't be anymore going in and out. I think that we have to close the barrier… forever.**_

 _ **Ben: No**_

 _ **Beast: Son.**_

 _ **Ben: No.**_

"Ben, buddy. Come on. Mal's not trying to put the axe on your dreams, she's just trying to protect Auradon. That's her duty as Queen. Hell, this won't come back to bite her on her ass." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Mal and her friends are preparing to go to Jane's birthday party, when Audrey suddenly shows up and gives Mal the ol' what for.**

 _ **Mal: Okay, Audrey, you're better…**_

 _ **Audrey: Quiet!**_

 _ **Mal: It's not a toy. It's dangerous.**_

 _ **Audrey: I want to be dangerous.**_

We cut back to Sean, who's busy cracking up from Audrey's line. "Yeah, nice line reading there. "I want to be dangerous.". Says the one wearing the full-on leather body suit in the summertime. Yeah, that's pretty dangerous enough for you."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Audrey gets her payback on Mal and uses the scepter to turn Mal into an old lady.**

 _ **Audrey: You think Ben will love you now, you old hag?**_

"Uh, the reason why Ben fell for Mal was because she made cookies and cupcakes for him and he loved her for the way she is. Well, let me give you some news, Audrey. You want to know who makes the best cookies, you're ever gonna have? Grandmas! So, the joke's on you. Also, my grandmother, may she rest in peace, makes the best cookies you're ever gonna have.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then Mal drops some important information. The only thing that's more powerful than the scepter is Hades' ember. That's the new McGuffin for the film. In the last two movies, the McGuffin was the Fairy Godmother's wand was the powerful thing in the universe. Anyway, Audrey crashes Jane's birthday party and uses a spell to put everyone to sleep by singing Happy Birthday.**

"Yeah, I would fall asleep too when someone dressed in a full-leather body suit sings Happy Birthday." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, our heroes rush over to the Isle of the Lost to find Hades' ember, with Mal and Celia head down to Hades' cave and find him sleeping. Well, this is going to be easy.**

 **(Mal tries to grab the ember, but Hades grabs her hand and stops her. He turns to Mal and looks at her)**

 _ **Mal: Hi, Dad.**_

"What?" Sean asked.

 _ **Mal: Hi, Dad.**_

Then, music from _The Empire Strikes Back_ starts playing in the background.

"No, that's not true. That's impossible!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So let me get this straight, Hades was married to Maleficent. Guess the two of them got together in the** _ **House of Mouse**_ **. And the two of them had Mal and they both separated. Hmm, I wonder what happened between them and why Mal hates him.**

 _ **Mal: You abandoned me when I was a baby.**_

 _ **Hades (Played by Cheyenne Jackson): No, no. I left your mother. She's not the easiest person to get along with.**_

"That's true. I mean Maleficent is the mistress of evil. So yeah, she's not that easy to get along with." Sean said.

 _ **Hades: Oh! Boo-hoo. Wake up and smell the stink. You think you've had it rough? I used to be a god! I had an entire world which bore my name. And now I have nothing! And you have no idea what that feel like.**_

 _ **Mal: Really? Because for 16 years, I had nothing.**_

"Come on, Mal. If you're having daddy issues, then have a daddy tissue." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, then Mal and Hades have a little song and dance number about Mal's daddy issues and I find this song enjoyable just like Mal and Maleficent's song in the first film. After they finish singing their song, Hades gives Mal the ember and right when our heroes are about to leave the Isle, they run into Gil and Harry and guess who shows up.**

 **(Uma pops out of the water after she grabs the ember)**

 **** _ **Uma: Lose something?**_

 _ **Harry and Gil: Uma?**_

 _ **Uma: That's my name.**_

 **Sean: (V/o as Gil) Great, Uma. Now you show up. You left Harry and me high and dry.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uma's back and she now has her hands on the ember. But Uma has a proposition, which is for Mal to release all the children from the Isle.**

 _ **Evie: Here's a thought. We can try to be friends. Put our history behind us and celebrate our differences. Yeah? (Pulls out some gum) Who wants gum?**_

 _ **Uma: Let's go.**_

 _ **Evie: No?**_

 **(They all walk away as Evie just stands there and eats a gumball)**

"Aww, poor Evie. Trying to step in and make everyone get along. Give her a break here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they somehow return to Auradon only to find everyone asleep or turned to stone, all because of Audrey. Except for one certain character.**

 **(Carlos finds Dude eating food out of a sleeping student's hand)**

 _ **Carlos: Dude.**_

 _ **Dude: Delicious.**_

 _ **Carlos: Dude, really?**_

"Oh, great. We have to deal with the talking dog again. Shit." Sean said, trying to contain his sanity.

 **Sean: (Narrating) They go to the castle to find either Audrey or Ben in the castle. That is when Audrey attacks them with suits of armor that she made come to life, giving us a song and dance number. Speaking of dance, Mal comes up with a little idea on how to stop the killer suits of armor.**

 **(We see Mal dancing as well as the suits of armor. Next up, Uma starts dancing as well and Carlos too)**

"They have a little dance-off to break the spell. By dancing. Things got too silly here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After defeating the suits of armor, they try to congratulate each other for working as a team, but Mal and Uma are still bitter at each other. So, Evie has a better idea.**

 _ **Evie: You know what we should try? An ice breaker.**_

 **(Jay and Carlos both groan in irritation)**

 _ **Evie: You say something you really like about the person, okay?**_

 _ **Uma: Is she always this perky?**_

"Evie, this is not the right time or place to do an ice breaker. Unless you have some Ice Breakers gum for everyone to chew." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So our heroes split up. With Mal, Uma, Evie and Celia looking for Audrey at the Fairy Cottage, only to find Smee's twin sons and Dizzy asleep, as well as Doug, who Evie is emotionally involved with and is nervous to talk about her feelings for Doug. So, Evie decides to…**

 **(The song "One Kiss" starts playing)**

 _ **Evie: (Sings) Don't freak out, it's okay,**_

' _ **Cause true love can save the day**_

 _ **And I think we feel the same**_

 _ **But I don't know**_

"She starts to sing about it while looking sexy." Sean says while watching Evie's musical number.

 _ **Evie: (Sings) When we met, it was sweet,**_

 _ **He was also into me**_

A smile appears on Sean's face while he continues to watch the musical number.

 _ **Evie: (Sings) One kiss, one kiss,**_

 _ **It all comes down to this**_

 _ **One kiss, one kiss (oh)**_

"My God, Sofia Carson is lookin' pretty sexy in this scene. Damn, Doug is a lucky bastard. Just kiss him already so I can get this review over with. Besides, you're making Sean Jr. wake up with your seductive dance moves." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Evie wakes Doug up by using the true love's kiss method. Then, he decides to pull a prank on her by acting like he's still asleep. Dude, don't do that because she will spell you. Back with the boys (guitar riff), they continue their search for Ben until Dude picks up a scent.**

 _ **Dude: Boy, something stinks. And it wasn't me this time.**_

 **(Ben appears in his beast form and roars as Dude screams and runs away)**

Sean starts laughing a bit at Ben's beast form. "Stop, stop, stop. That's Ben's beast form? That's the most silliest thing I've seen in my life. I mean, look at him. He looks like a cuddly cat. He should be on Discovery Family's _Too Cute_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Jane shows up and sprays Ben with the enchanted lake water to restore him back to normal. Then Harry sees Jane and tries to make a move on her.**

 _ **Harry: (Sees Jane) Well, well, well. Harry Hook. And you, my little duckling… are ravishing.**_

 _ **Carlos: (Chuckles) Okay. Ravishing and taken… just in case anyone was confused.**_

"Well, I don't mind sharing her with you. Maybe Jane is into that kind of thing. Boy, I bet somebody's gonna come up with a Carlos/Jane/Harry threesome story for Fanfiction." Sean said. "Let me stop because I'm giving everybody ideas."

 _ **Harry: Hey, Jay (clears his throat) yeah, thanks for saving me, gorgeous face.**_

"And there are people writing Jay/Harry male slash in 3, 2, 1 and start typing." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with the girls, Mal and Uma are busy eating Jane's birthday cake and the two of them start to warm up to each other, until that is ruined when Audrey tries to trap them in Evie's house, until Mal and Uma combine their magic to break the spell before they reunite with Ben and the rest of the VKs.**

 _ **Mal: (Sees Ben's beard) What is this?**_

 _ **Ben: Oh, yeah?**_

 _ **Mal: I can get use to this.**_

 _ **Ben: You like it?**_

 _ **Mal: I love this.**_

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mal, okay. Just save it for your honeymoon night. You'll get all the mustache rides from him as you like." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, our heroes arrive at the Fairy Cottage to look for Audrey, but instead they find Chad locked in the closet.**

"You know, it impresses me that Chad appears in all three movies and still he doesn't do jack shit." Sean said. "Hell, that's a good thing because he's totally useless."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then, we come to the point of the movie when Mal decides to drop the biggest nuclear bombshell that she's been hiding.**

 _ **Mal: I have to tell you guys something.**_

"Mal, don't." Sean said.

 _ **Mal: I lied to you.**_

"Mal, please. Don't ruin this." Sean warned.

 _ **Mal: The kids won't be coming off the Isle.**_

 _ **Jay: What do you mean?**_

"Mal, I'm warning you. Your friends and everyone that you know will hate you for the rest of your life. Don't fuck this up, you stupid…" Sean said.

 _ **Mal: The program is shut down.**_

Sean does a facepalm after she reveals about the program being shut down.

 _ **Mal: And the barrier will be closed for good.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult**_ **is shown, showing Ed Hocken, Nordberg, the Academy Awards crew members and the audience doing an epic facepalm)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now, because of Mal lying to them, they're all royally pissed off at her. Then Celia throws the ember in the water. Are you nuts?! What the flying fuck?!**

"Great job, Celia. You screwed Mal!" Sean yelled. "Little runt."

 _ **Evie: Closing the barrier was your idea?**_

 _ **Mal: I did it for us. I did it for our life that we have here now.**_

 _ **Evie: You lied to Jay. And you lied to Carlos. And you lied to me.**_

"Well, if you're gonna bitch about it and get mad at me, why don't go next door to where they're doing The Perfectionists? Damn show sucks! I'm still ticked at Marlene for splitting up Emily and Allison. How dare she?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just like that, Audrey turns Evie, Ben, Carlos, Jay and Dude into stone. Hey, I'm just glad that she turned the dog into stone so that way I won't hear his mouth. Then, Mal starts singing a song about being true to herself.**

"How many times have she done this before? Maybe 100 times. We get it, Mal. We get it. Can we just move on from your biggest screw-up?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I don't want to joke about the song "Once Upon a Time" performed by Dove Cameron, I think it's the best song in this movie. Hell, it's better than "Queen of Mean". Dove Cameron gets a gold star for singing that song. After the song ends, Audrey kidnaps Celia and holds her hostage and Mal goes into her dragon form to go mano y mano with the Queen of Mean. But wait, Mal's not too powerful, she needs some help. But who would help her?**

 _ **Uma: We're stronger together. We're stronger together! I'm right here, Mal! Regain your might and ignite. I'm right here, girl. I'm right here. Regain your might and ignite!**_

 **(Hades' ember starts igniting again)**

"It's go time, bitch!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Mal gives Audrey the biggest Kamehameha in her life to defeat her and breaks the spell throughout. Bus she might've gone too far.**

"Great job, Mal. You just killed Audrey. Boy, have you realized that this movie is dark? I know that there's some lighthearted moments in the film but geez it could get dark at times." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In order to bring Audrey back to life, Mal enlists the help of her father Hades to do so because the ember is powerful in his hands. And I love this moment between Beast and Hades.**

 **(Hades and Beast growl at each other)**

 _ **Mal: Dad.**_

 **(Beast and Hades stop growling at each other)**

"Okay, that was pretty funny." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway Hades revives Audrey and Audrey apologizes to Mal and Ben for trying to ruin their lives. Yeah, I still thing Queen Leah is the real villain here and Mal and Hades make up. The film wraps up as Mal and Ben have a little engagement party, but then Mal realizes what she has to do about Auradon, the Isle of the Lost and the barrier.**

 **Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay: (While holding the Fairy Godmother's wand) To make the world a better place, we have to do it face to face.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, with the barrier down the people of Auradon and the Isle of the Lost natives celebrate with a little song and dance number, Hades arrives at Mal and Ben's engagement party and Ben tries to get along with his father-in-law, Jane and Carlos become boyfriend and girlfriend, Harry gets turned down by Uma and Audrey now has eyes for Harry. And the film ends with Mal, Evie, Jay and Carlos racing across the bridge to their parents. And they all live happily ever after. The end.**

"And that was _Descendants 1-3_. And phew, what a rush to get through these three." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Descendants 1-3**_ **are shown while the song "Break This Down" starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, how well do these three films hold up? Well, even though these films have it's moments at times, I still find them enjoyable to watch. The songs are pretty catchy and memorable. The characters are likeable and the performances from Dove Cameron, Sofia Carson, Booboo Stewart, Cameron Boyce and the rest of the cast were great. Even though I get annoyed when they keep showing them over and over again on Disney Channel, they're a guilty pleasure. Hell, because of** _ **Descendants**_ **, it brought me and my girlfriend together. Thank you, Kenny Ortega. The** _ **Descendants**_ **trilogy get 4 talking dogs out of 5.**

"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the living room.

 **(Bonus Scene)**

 **(We see Sean entering his office getting ready to hang up a photo of Cameron Boyce on his wall. He straightens it a bit and stays silent for a bit before saying a word)**

 **Sean: We'll miss you, Cameron. Thanks for making every moment count.**

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Rotten to the core.**_

 **And that was the** _ **Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of the** _ **Descendants**_ **trilogy. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the new chapter. True story, the Descendants movies brought me and my girlfriend Myca together. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, Sean takes on Arnold Schwarzenegger once more when he takes a look at the 1993 fantasy-action-comedy** _ **Last Action Hero**_ **. After the** _ **Last Action Hero**_ **review, I will do a review of** _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze**_ **after this review. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	71. Episode 67: Last Action Hero

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm bringing you a hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean a.k.a the Mayhem Critic reviews yet another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie which was the beginning of the end of his film career and it was directed by the director of Die Hard and Predator and that movie is the 1993 fantasy-action-comedy Last Action Hero, the first film which Schwarzenegger was credited as executive producer. That's a good sign, right? So, sit back, relax, grab a cold one and pop some popcorn and get ready to enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Last Action Hero is owned by Columbia Pictures.**

 **Episode Sixty-Seven**

 **Last Action Hero**

We see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting on his couch in the living room as he prepares to talk about today's topic.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before sighing a bit. "Oh, Arnold."

(Pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger as his famous characters like the Terminator, Conan the Barbarian, , Mr. Freeze, Hercules, Douglas Quaid, Ivan Danko, Ben Richards and Dutch are shown while clips from his movies like the _Terminator_ film series, _Hercules in New York_ , _True Lies_ , _Batman & Robin_, _Red Heat_ , _Total Recall_ , _Predator_ , _The Running Man_ , _Raw Deal_ , _Commando_ , _Sabotage_ and the _Conan_ movies are shown while the "Put That Cookie Down!" remix starts playing in the background)

 **Sean: (Narrating) Why do you keep appearing on my show? You're so likeable and so badass, yet you're so goofy. Don't get me wrong, Arnold is not a bad actor, I'm a big fan of his movies and I enjoyed some of them. (The poster for** _ **Batman & Robin**_ **pops up) Oh, piss off! But why does he have to appear in a bad movie? Why make that choice? Hell, we all know the Schwarzenegger formula. He kills people and blows stuff up and he whips out one-liners like Justin Timberlake whipping out Janet Jackson's boobs during the halftime show at the Super Bowl.**

"Now, why am I talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, today I'm reviewing another Schwarzenegger movie. This is _Last Action Hero_." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie while the song "Last Action Hero" performed by Tesla is being played during the montage)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 13, 1993, this film is the beginning of the end of Schwarzenegger's film career. This was regarded as the start of his slump, this movie got hyped as hell, pushed out before test audiences get to see it and received some negative feedback. And this movie was release against** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **. How can you go up against,** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **? You can never beat** _ **Jurassic Park**_ **! The film was directed by our good old friend John McTiernan, who directed** _ **Die Hard**_ **and** _ **Predator**_ **and this is the first movie ever to list Schwarzenegger as the executive producer.**

"Oh, gee. That's a good sign. I wonder if it's on his list of regrets. I bet you his number one regret was starring in _Batman & Robin_." Sean said.

 **(More clips from the movie is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, what is this movie about? It's about a young boy who's a film fanatic who loves going to the movies, who ends getting transported into the world of action movies when a magic ticket transports him into the most awesome action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.**

"Anyway, let's take a look at _Last Action Hero_ to see why this movie is a last action zero." Sean said.

 **(The movie begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the film begins with the movie hitting us right in the face.**

"I'm not even joking. The movie literally smacks us in the face." Sean said.

 **(The movie screen literally swings from camera right to land a smack at the audience while a comedic hitting sound effect is heard)**

"Ow!" Sean yelled out, reacting to as if he was being hit. "Taylor was right. I need to stop watching violent movies."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see a bunch of cops armed to the teeth surrounding the building during the Christmas season. Hey, it's a Christmas movie! We see that there's a psycho holding a bunch of children hostage. But who is there to save the day?**

 **(Jack Slater makes his appearance at the scene)**

 _ **Mr. Freeze: (Sound clip) The Iceman cometh!**_

"Arnold Schwarzenegger as Los Angeles cop Jack Slater." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that the typical shouting boss in every cop movie Lieutenant Dekker, played by Frank McRae…**

"I swear, every time I see Frank McRae in a movie he's always playing the police captain that's always yelling a lot. I mean, come on. Is there any movie where he doesn't play the shouting police captain? I mean, his yelling is annoying as it is." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **48 Hrs.**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Haden (Played by Frank McRae): You go fuck yourself, convict!**_

"Sorry." Sean said as he looks down at his coffee table." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Lt. Dekker shouts at Slater like a friggin' cockatoo, telling him not to go up to the film's climax. Then, Jack comes across a pointless Tina Turner cameo where she plays the Mayor. Thanks, Tina. We'll send you your check. He also punches the Lieutenant Governor in the face and he comes across one of the members of the LAPD S.W.A.T. team, who I swear for the life of me looks like Regan Burns from** _ **Dog with a Blog**_ **.**

 **(We pause on the S.W.A.T. Officer as a photo of Regan Burns from** _ **Dog with a Blog**_ **pops up next to him)**

 _ **Jack Slater (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres.**_

 **(Slater kicks the S.W.A.T. Officer in the crotch, sending him flying offscreen)**

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.

 _ **Jack Slater: You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres.**_

"What the hell does that even mean? Was it because you roshamboed him in the nuts and sent him flying? Arnold, I know your lines are corny but come up with something that makes sense. Case in point." Sean pointed out.

 **Sean: (V/O as Jack Slater) Hey, you want to be an astronaut? Here's one giant leap for mankind.**

"Hell, that one made sense while I was writing the damn review. It was a little corny but still it made sense." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Armed with his trusty Desert Eagle .50 action express, Jack heads up to the roof and sees that his own son Andrew, played by Ryan Todd, is being held at axe point by the creepy version of Decker Shado, the Ripper played by Tom Noonan. And the first part of hostage negotiation, he requests Jack to disarm himself.**

 **(Jack disarms himself as we see various weapons on the landing on the ground)**

"How many weapons does this guy have? Damn!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jack says that's all the weapons that he has, unless you count him bringing a live grenade to a hostage negotiation. See, Ripper calls his bluff, so he tells Andy to pick up the grenade and show it to him.**

 _ **Ripper (Played by Tom Noonan): Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy, (holds his axe up) but this one can.**_

 **(We see a blade coming out of the bottom of the fake grenade and stabs the Ripper with it)**

"Okay, that is the most clever thing I've ever seen in my life. A fake grenade with a knife inside." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Rip here is not going down with a fight as he throws his axe at Jack. But Jack dodges it, he picks up his gun and…**

 **(Jack opens fire as we see the film losing it's focus)**

 _ **Danny Madigan (Played by Austin O'Brien): Focus! Hey, come on! (Calls out while sitting in the movie theater) Focus!**_

"Five minutes in and this movie lost focus." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, it turns out that it was actually a movie. Jack Slater III, a movie that was being watched by our film's protagonist named Danny Madigan, played by Austin O'Brien, who appeared in films like** _ **The Lawnmower Man**_ **,** _ **Prehysteria**_ **,** _ **My Girl 2**_ **and in the** _ **Touched by an Angel**_ **spin-off** _ **Promised Land**_ **. About Danny, Danny is a kid who lost his father from who-gives-a fuck-he's dead syndrome and he spends his time skipping school and going to the movies to watch Jack Slater. We see that he's friends with the theater's projectionist named Nick, played by Robert Prosky.**

"Ha! At least I didn't mess up and called him Art Carney! Ohhhhhhhhh!" Sean yelled out, referencing the Nostalgia Critic mistaking Robert Prosky for Art Carney in his review of the movie.

 _ **Nick (Played by Robert Prosky): You know, the new Jack Slater opens this weekend at the Odyssey.**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Like I didn't know that. "They killed his second cousin. Big mistake." (Imitates explosion while Nick laughs)**_

"I'm so glad I'm in a better movie after this one." Sean laughs, imitating Nick while the poster for _Mrs. Doubtfire_ pops up next to him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With Danny being friends with him, Nick gives him an advanced screening of the newest Jack Slater movie,** _ **Jack Slater IV**_ **, as long as he gets back to school, which he's been skipping out on for quite some time.**

"Isn't that every kid in the 90s? Hey, I love movies but not that much to skip school for the newest movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Danny arrives at school where his teacher, played by Joan Plowright, shows them the movie Hamlet starring her real-life husband, the late Laurence Olivier.**

 _ **Teacher (Played by Joan Plowright): (On Laurence Olivier) Some of you might have seen him in the Polaroid commercial, or as Zeus in Clash of the Titans.**_

"Or you might recognize him as the crazy Nazi war criminal Christian Szell in _Marathon Man_. That role earned him an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Let's not mention the movie _Inchon_ where he played Gen. Douglas MacArthur. Because that movie sucked, big time. Don't believe me? Watch Cinematic Excrement's review of the movie _Inchon_ , you'll see why." Sean said.

 **(Danny watches "Hamlet" and he sees the part with Hamlet ready to use a dagger, but stops himself to give a monologue first)**

 _ **Danny Madigan: Don't talk, just do it.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Good, The Bad and the Ugly**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Tuco (Played by Eli Wallach): When you have to shoot, shoot don't talk.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Danny fantasizes about what it would be like if Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in** _ **Hamlet**_ **.**

 _ **Hamlet: You killed my father. (Picks up Claudius) Big mistake.**_

 **(Throws Claudius out the window)  
**

**Announcer: (V/O) Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.**

 **(Hamlet throws a skull at a knight's head. We then cut to Hamlet getting into a swordfight with some knights and slashes the curtain)**

 _ **Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.**_

 _ **Hamlet: Who said I'm fair?**_

 **(Hamlet shoots the old man and starts shooting at some of the knights before we see him on a horse walking up some stairs)**

 _ **Announcer: No one's going to tell this sweet prince, "Good night."**_

 _ **Hamlet: To be or not to be. (Gets ready to light his cigar) Not to be.**_

 **(Hamlet lights his cigar and walks away as the castle explodes)**

"Okay, I can see either Mel Gibson, Kenneth Branagh or Ethan Hawke as Hamlet. But Schwarzenegger as Hamlet... no way. It's like putting Stallone in _Macbeth_ or Jean Claude Van Damme in _Richard III_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that best scene of the whole movie and trust me it is, we see Danny at home watching** _ **Looney Tunes**_ **while his mother Irene, played by Mercedes Ruehl, gets a phone call from his school regarding him skipping school, she gets mad at him for skipping school and spending time at the movies, which is enough for her stressful life.**

 _ **Irene Madigan (Played by Mercedes Ruehl): I didn't choose any of this. I didn't choose it. I didn't say, "Hey, what the hell, let me see what it would be like to be a widow before I'm 40, give that a try."**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: I know that.**_

"Damn, that's some cruel-ass stuff to bring up in the middle of a conversation about your son's education. No wonder he doesn't spend time at home." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But his mother doesn't spend any time at home with her son either because she's a working mom and you know, time is money. So after she leaves and instructs Danny to not open the door for anybody, Danny waits till it's that time while he's working on his studies. So, he takes a break from homework and gets ready to see the new…**

 **(A burglar goes through the doorway and pushes Danny against the wall face first and pulls out a switchblade whole holding him there)**

"Jesus!" Sean reacts in surprise.

 _ **Burglar: You alone?**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: (Nods his head) Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Burglar: Okay. Move it!**_

"Okay, this movie got dark from zero to sixty." Sean said.

 **(The burglar shoves Danny to the bathroom and holds out his switchblade)**

 _ **Burglar: Tough guy. (Sits the switchblade down on the sink) Do it. I'll make it easier for you. (The burglar turns around with his back facing Danny) Go ahead.**_

"What the fuck is going on?" Sean asked, looking scared.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Danny doesn't do anything, so the burglar handcuffs him to the bathroom sink and proceeds to rob the place, only to find nothing for him to take.**

 _ **Burglar: No jewelry, no VCR. A shit TV that will get me 20 bucks. (Throws the key into the toilet) Go fish, amigo.**_

"Geez, if you don't like it then why don't you go rob rich people instead?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after that sudden dark and pointless scene, Danny remembers that he's got a movie to go to. So, he heads down to the movie theater where Nick, dressed in his best movie usher outfit, is waiting for him.**

 _ **Danny Madigan: So… is the print ready to roll?**_

 _ **Nick: Just a minute, young man. Aren't we forgetting something? (Nick slams the door shut)**_

"What the hell?" Sean asked, looking surprised again.

 _ **Nick: A ticket. You got to have a ticket, Danny, to see a movie, and I have got just the one. See, when I was about your age, Harry Houdini played this theater and my pop took me backstage to see him after the show. And he made a gesture…**_

"Look, should I be suspicious about this old man? Because he's starting to scare me.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Nick gives Danny a magic ticket that was from magician Harry Houdini. And is it just me or is the magic golden ticket made from fairy dust? Danny gets his bucket of popcorn to munch on as** _ **Jack Slater IV**_ **starts. We see a man named Frank, played by the late Art Carney from** _ **The Honeymooners**_ **being interrogated by a mob boss named Tony Vivaldi played by the late Anthony Quinn.**

 _ **Tony Vivaldi (Played by the late Anthony Quinn): Frankie, why you keep on with the insults?**_

 _ **Frank (Played by the late Art Carney): I would never insult you, Mr. Vivaldi.**_

 _ **Tony Vivaldi: When you lie, that's an insult.**_

"You insulted me by making fun of me dancing in _Zorba the Greek_. Shame on you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Frank happens to be Jack Slater's favorite second cousin and we're introduced to the big bad of the movie, Benedict. Played by Tywin Lannister himself Charles Dance.**

"A role which was originally written for Alan Rickman but they couldn't get him. So, we're stuck the guy from _Game of Thrones_." Sean said.

 _ **Danny Madigan: You are going to pay. Oh, are you going to pay.**_

"Thank you for spoiling the movie, you little shit." Sean said as he rolled his eyes. "God!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Jack Slater on a leisurely drive to a drug bust as he sees the cops surrounding the house but the house happens to be Jack's second cousin's house. But when Frank doesn't answer, Jack investigates only to find him tied to a chair and dying. But before he dies, Frank has to relay the message.**

 _ **Frank: Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob are joining forces. I'm out of here.**_

 **(Frank dies)**

"Can you believe that this was the last thing I've done?" Sean asked while imitating Art Carney.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But alas, poor Frank is dead after delivering that message to Jack, but our hero cop gets another message left on his second cousin. Some cards… the kind that count down.**

 _ **Jack Slater: (Runs out of Frank's house) It's a bomb!**_

 **(Frank's house explodes. Only Jack lives but two cops die)**

 _ **Danny Madigan: He's okay, minor wound. Two cops, dead.**_

"Dude, shut up. Let me handle this. I got a job to do." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. What Danny said. Jack survives the explosion but the two cops perish in the explosion.**

 _ **Black Cop: Two days 'til retirement.**_

 **(The cop dies as a** _ **Lethal Weapon**_ **-style saxophone riff starts playing in the background)**

"Hey, guys. Get that reference? Yeah, they added a sampling of music from _Lethal Weapon_ just so you can get the reference if you've seen _Lethal Weapon_. Mostly because Michael Kamen was the music composer for that movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Jack gets shot at by a group of hired goons sent by Tony Vivaldi and we get a car chase that is not thrilling but still a good one. And we see that these goons carry the Acme brand dynamite, that can easily be deflected by Slater. But then that magic ticket starts to work as the Acme brand dynamite comes out of the picture and into the real world.**

 **(Danny turns around and sees some dynamite rolling on the floor)**

"I told people that this movie was going to bomb at the box office but I didn't mean that literally." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Danny runs away from the explosion towards the screen like an idiot, but this does land him safely into the movie and in the middle of the action.**

 **(Jack shoots at the hired goons behind his head while Danny, who ends up in the backseat of Slater's car, ducks down)**

 _ **Jack Slater: (Turns around and sees Danny) Who the hell are you?**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan, I'm a kid.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: Okay, close your eyes, stay flat and don't move.**_

"Yeah, that's what Robert Prosky said." Sean said as the audience boos at him. "Thank you! Thank you! You've been a great audience! Thank you!

 **(We cut to a hired goon, played by Al Leong, falling face forward with an ice cream cone sticking out the back of his head)**

 _ **Jack Slater: Iced that guy. To "cone" a phase.**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: (Realizes that he's in a movie) Wait a minute. The bad puns, the voice, the hard rock.**_

"Oh, shit. I'm in a horrible Schwarzenegger movie. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screamed, imitating Danny.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Slater plays chicken with the bad guys' truck, which somehow explodes before hitting the building, which crashes into…**

 **(The red pickup truck crashes into a room filled with beautiful women wearing extravagant dresses and lingerie as they start screaming and running out the room)**

"Uh, I'm sorry. Were they trying to do a high-class photoshoot for _Hustler Magazine_? What is going on here? Geez, can this movie get any weirder than this?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Total Recall**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Douglas Quaid (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): It is.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Slater takes Danny back to the police station where he comes across Sharon Stone as Catherine Trammel from** _ **Basic Instinct**_ **and Robert Patrick as the T-1000 from** _ **Terminator 2: Judgment Day**_ **.**

 _ **Danny Madigan: Jack, did you see that?**_

"What the hell? Movie, you do know that cameos have to make sense? Look, just because that Sharon Stone and Robert Patrick were in movies doesn't mean that you have to put them in your movie. It doesn't make sense to have them in your movie. It's like having a cartoon cat with the voice of Danny DeVito in your movie." Sean said.

 **(We see a cartoon cat named Whiskers making an appearance in the movie)**

 _ **Whiskers (Voiced by Danny DeVito): Hiya, toots.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Huh? What the hell is that?! You can't be serious, movie! Why the fuck is there a cartoon cat in the movie? It doesn't make any sense!**

 _ **Jack Slater: He's supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month.**_

"No, no, no, no, no, no! NO! There's no reason for a cartoon cat to be in your movie. It's like saying Little Richard is in your movie." Sean said.

 **(We cut to a movie premiere that occurs later in the film)**

 _ **Leeza Gibbons: Are you a big-time fan of Jack Slater films?**_

 _ **Little Richard: I've enjoyed… It was beautiful… I just loved it.**_

Sean makes a surprised look on his face. "Uh… Jim Belushi?"

 _ **James Belushi: (While getting interviewed) Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens, that's all.**_

"Jean-Claude Van Damme?" Sean asked.

 _ **Jean-Claude Van Damme: (While being interviewed) I would never miss the premiere for a second.**_

"Uh… M.C. Hammer?" Sean asked.

 _ **M.C. Hammer: (To Jack Slater) Arnold, look. Deal's done, right?**_

 _ **Jack Slater: What?**_

 _ **M.C. Hammer: Slater V, the soundtrack.**_

"What the hell is all this weirdness? Let me see, Chevy Chase and Damon Wayans walking side by side with Damon Wayans wearing a hat promoting his movie _Blankman_." Sean said.

 **(We see Chevy Chase and Damon Wayans walking side-by-side)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the hell is going on here?! Why are there so many random cameos?**

"What is this _The Outer Limits_ or am I in _The Twilight Zone_. Just because you can have that specific person in your movie doesn't mean that they should cameo in that movie. It's like having porn actresses Bailey Brooke and Cali Carter in my review." Sean said.

Then, from out of nowhere, porn actresses Bailey Brooke and Cali Carter appears in the room as Sean looks surprised for a moment when the two of them stand on one side with Bailey wearing her pink bra and panties and Cali wearing her lacy baby blue bra and matching panties while a smile appears on the young critic's face.

"Guys, I'm about to have the most epic as hell foursome in my life after I'm finished with this review." Sean smiled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to the story. We're introduced to an important character of the movie, John Practice played by F. Murray Abraham. Practice is an old buddy of Jack's who works for the FBI but Danny knows that F. Murray Abraham has been known for playing villains in movies.**

 _ **Danny Madigan: Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: In a movie?**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Amadeus, It won eight Oscars.**_

"Yeah. Aside from playing the villainous Antonio Salieri in _Amadeus_ , he played Omar Suarez in Brian DePalma's _Scarface_ , Bernardo Gui in _The Name of the Rose_ and Ru'afo in _Star Trek: Insurrection_. I'm pretty sure that he won't be a villain in this one." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jack gets yelled at by Lt. Dekker for some of his actions and Danny tries to prove to Jack that this is a movie after he sees the animated cat that's voiced by Danny DeVito. With Danny trying to convince Slater and Dekker that this is a movie, he starts going off about how their information isn't true because of the information he gathered from the opening of the movie, Dekker takes the next logical step.**

 _ **Lt. Dekker (Played by Frank McRae): Meet your new partner.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: Oh, no.**_

 **(The camera pans over to Jack and Danny)**

 _ **Jack Slater: Better to die.**_

"Okay." Sean said as he picks up his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol and shoots before we cut to a clip of Jack Slater getting shot in the chest and cutting to the end credits.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, here's the joke of the movie. You see that you have a police officer paired up with a mismatched partner. You have a cop partnered with a Rabbi, another cop paired with a fat cop and you have a cop paired with a cartoon cat.**

"Come on, that's not how buddy cop movies work. Take a look at the _Lethal Weapon_ series and the Clint Eastwood/Charlie Sheen movie _The Rookie, Rush Hour_. Hell, take a look at _The Other Guys_ , that's a good buddy cop movie, well a parody." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jack is partnered up with Danny and to prove what a greater asset he is, he derails the investigation so he can prove to Jack that this is a movie. How does he do it? They stop off at Acme Video, the film's version of Blockbuster Video.**

"Ah, Blockbuster Video. The place where I spend my Fridays after school to rent movies and video games. Now, it's replaced by Hulu, Redbox, Netflix, Apple TV and Disney Plus. Damn you, online streaming services. Damn you all to Hell." Sean said.

 **Danny Madigan: (Finds a Terminator 2: Judgment Day cardboard poster with Sylvester Stallone on it) No. It isn't possible.**

"Oh, man. Can you imagine Sylvester Stallone as the Terminator? I would definitely watch that. But he should stick to _Rambo_ because I want to see _Rambo: Last Blood_. Let Schwarzenegger stick with _Terminator: Dark Fate_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since this is movie world, Schwarzenegger is playing a character in a movie and his characters that he plays in movies is replaced by Stallone of all people and everyone has a 555 number. They continue their investigation, finally. As he points out the location of the house he saw in the opening, but this doesn't impress Jack this much.**

 _ **Jack Slater: You just revolutionized the entire history of police training. I mean, all these years at the academy, studying human character, psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis. All the courses that I've taken in surveillance, hostage negotiation and criminal psychology. When all I had to do is just drive around the neighborhood and point my finger at the house and say, "The bad guys are in there."**_

"Well, doesn't that usually work in movies?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Danny decide to investigate the house, much to the annoyance of Jack, as they knock on the front door which is answered by Francis' butler from** _ **Pee-Wee's Big Adventure**_ **Prof. Toru Tanaka.**

 _ **Jack Slater: Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house please?**_

 _ **Tough Asian Guy (Played by the late Prof. Toru Tanaka): I beg your pardon?**_

 _ **Jack Slater: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?**_

"Let me in Sub Zero or you'll be plain zero." Sean said, imitating Jack Slater and making a reference to another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called _The Running Man_.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Benedict answers the door and because of his behavior, Jack thinks that the kid is onto something, when he summons his guard dogs that he trains how to do tricks like standing on top of each other. God, this movie is fucking weird.**

"God, this movie is starting to bore me to death. I want to see Arnold blow something up. Come on, blow something up!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(Danny stands in front of the door as it opens as an attractive blonde kisses him on the lips)**

Sean starts looking surprised a bit. "Or let a hot chick blow you."

 **Sean: (Narrating) This sexy blonde happens to be Jack's daughter Whitney Slater played by Meredith Caprice played by Sonya Blade herself Bridgette Wilson-Sampras. Since we're mentioning family, Jack comes across a photo of him and his son from the third Jack Slater film. So, he goes out on a leisurely drive, in which he has a flashback to the whole Ripper hostage situation and how do I put it? His son was killed by the Ripper.**

"No wonder Jack Slater's running out of family members. Who's next? His daughter?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know? Benedict shows up along with his goons who are armed to the teeth.**

 _ **Benedict (Played by Charles Dance): (On Whitney's screaming) Joey, would you teach her the virtue of silence?**_

 _ **Joey: Right.**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Benedict. If you harm a hair on her head…**_

 _ **Benedict: Stop!**_

 **(Benedict walks over to Whitney and plucks a hair on her head)**

 _ **Whitney Slater (Played by Bridgette Wilson-Sampras): Go away! Stop it! No!**_

 _ **Benedict: (To Danny) You were saying?**_

"Worst. Movie. Ever. God, even the jokes are dumb." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Benedict interrogates Danny about how does he know so much about him. Couldn't he just threaten him with a crossbow while he's sitting on the toilet? But before Jack could arrive at the scene…**

 **(We cut to Whitney screaming and getting slapped in the face by a goon before screaming some more)**

"Jesus Christ! For God's sake, please stop screaming before you make my head explode?" Sean asked. "I mean, just kill somebody."

 **(Whitney kicks the goon in the crotch, sending him flying to a bookcase and crashing into it. She does a flip and lands feet first on the goon's back and continues to scream as she proceeds to beat him down and breaks his neck)**

"Okay, that's very impressive but I would have to do without the screaming. Hell, Sonya Blade never screamed like this when she broke Kano's neck." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Jack drops in and crashes the party and kills the hell out of everyone but Benedict manages to escape as Danny chases the assassin on a girly bike and since he's the good guy in the movie, he decides to play chicken. But Danny is forgetting one minor little problem…**

 _ **Danny Madigan: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! It's not gonna work!**_

 **(We cut to a clip from** _ **13 Reasons Why**_ **, where we see Clay running into a parked car on his bike)**

We cut back to Sean as we see him laughing from the clip. "I'm sorry, I had to. I just thought it would be funny."

 **(Danny steers the bike to the left as soon as Benedict's car approaches and goes flying as Jack sees him landing on a roof in front of a giant moon in the sky while the** _ **E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial**_ **theme music starts playing)**

"And they're ripping off E.T. and the Amblin Entertainment logo on this scene." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, Danny is unharmed. In real life, he could've broken something. So, that's the good news. But the bad news is that Benedict escaped and what do you know, he's got Danny's wallet and tries to find out more about the kid but then he comes across the magic ticket and he discovers it's powers. Hey, maybe his diabolical plot will get this movie rolling. But first, we cut back to Jack and Danny as Danny tries to convince Jack that this is a movie by getting him to say something.**

 **(Danny holds out a notepad with an unseen swear word written on it)**

 _ **Danny Madigan: Say this.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: Hey, grow up.**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Just say this one word.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: Is this another one of your movie proofs?**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Maybe.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: Kid, I don't want to say it.**_

 _ **Danny Madigan: Say what?**_

 **(Jack stays silent for a moment)**

 _ **Danny Madigan: You can't. You can't possibly say it because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.**_

"Kid, you can only say one f-word in a PG-13 film. I mean, unless you're willing to use the R-rating you can only use the f-word once." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Be Cool**_ **is shown)**

 **Chili Palmer (Played by John Travolta): You know what I say? Fuck that. I'm done.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before he could do that and gives Danny the reason why. Benedict leaves behind a glass eye, which is booby trapped, which results in a massive explosion. This pisses Lt. Dekker off so much that he yells at Slater and the kid for their foolishness. He's so angry, steam literally comes out of his ears.**

 **(Lieutenant Dekker babbles something incoherent in anger while steam comes out of his ears)**

"Uh, I'm sorry. What was that? I don't understand what you're saying with all the goddamn yelling. Could you please stop yelling or can somebody put on subtitles, please?" Sean asked.

 **(We see subtitles added with Dekker yelling at Jack)**

 _ **Lieutenant Dekker: (Yelling) You suck the blood outta cottonpickin' toes I can take from you! I got the California Raisins doing an all-male version of The Diary of Anne Frank doing the all-male version in my frizza sibba…**_

 _ **Jack Slater: (To Danny) You catch that?**_

"Yeah, I think I caught every word. This guy was turning into Yosemite Sam." Sean said.

 **(Lt. Dekker's voice is replaced by Sean's voice, in his Yosemite Sam impersonation)**

 _ **Lieutenant Dekker: Give me your badge! And this time, you won't get it back.**_

"Well, geez. Don't you think you were a little hard on the guy?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **48 Hrs**_ **. is shown)**

 _ **Haden: You go fuck yourself, convict!**_

"Sorry." Sean apologized as he looked down at his table.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jack gets fired and you know what it means in every cop movie, they're going to stop the crime boss themselves and they learn about Vivaldi's plan to whack a rival mob boss named Torelli at a funeral for Leo the Fart by releasing a lethal gas or something that's inside the dead mob boss. I don't know, just go with it. They meet up with John Practice as Jack tells him that the Fart is a bomb. So, he takes him to the service entrance in the back but Jack suspects there's something up with his buddy.**

 _ **Jack Slater: Who are you working for, John?**_

 _ **John Practice (Played by F. Murray Abraham): What do you mean?**_

 _ **Jack Slater: We both know there's no side entrance to this hotel.**_

 **(Practice chuckles and pulls out his gun, pointing it at Jack)**

 _ **John Practice: Sorry, Jack. I didn't want it to go down this way.**_

"Since when's the last time I played a good guy in a movie? Never!" Sean said, imitating John Practice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Danny shows up with a gun and gets ready to save Jack.**

"Awesome, kid! Now shoot him before you do something stu…" Sean said.

 **(Practice grabs the gun out of Danny's hands and laughs)**

 _ **John Practice: Thanks for the fingerprints, kid. You're about to murder Jack Slater. (Pulls out the handcuffs) Here. Chain yourself to that pipe.**_

"God, you are useless!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Practice handcuffs Danny to a pipe while he makes his villain speech but Danny is clever enough when he has the keys to the handcuffs to free himself and tries not to do anything stupid, again.**

 _ **Danny Madigan: (While pointing the gun at Practice) Man, are you an idiot! You made the classic movie mistake. Don't explain so much. You had to get in those last few words.**_

"Kid, what the fuck are you doing? Don't start talking, just his ass!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Danny Madigan: I mean, if you had just fired, you would have won. But, no, you're the typical villain. Dumb.**_

 **(Vivaldi points his gun at Danny)**

 _ **Tony Vivaldi: You ain't no genius yourself, kid.**_

Sean rubs his forehead in frustration and stays silent for a bit before saying something. "Look, kid. Here's the thing. When you're about to shoot somebody, don't start talking, just… you know what, fuck it. Play the clip!"

 **(A clip from** _ **The Good, The Bad and the Ugly**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Tuco: When you have to shoot, shoot don't talk.**_

"God, that's the second time I had to use this clip in this review. Don't make me use it the third time, movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the villains get the drop on them as they leave the area for the mob to get whacked at the funeral and while Practice gets ready to execute Slater and Danny, this happens.**

 **(We hear two gunshots as Practice freezes and falls to the ground, revealing the cartoon cat Whiskers holding the smoking gun in his hand, revealing that he shot Practice)**

"You know, we've seen that dude's death met at the hands of a drug kingpin's personal assassin by being hanged from a helicopter to seeing him getting shot by a cartoon cat with the voice of Danny DeVito. God, that's pathetic." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Amadeus**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Antonio Salieri (Played by F. Murray Abraham): Go on. Mock me. Laugh!**_

 **(We cut to Mozart laughing)**

 _ **Antonio Salieri: That was not Mozart laughing, Father. That was God. That was God laughing at me through that obscene giggle.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jack heads to the top of the hotel where the funeral is being held and he tries to get rid of the bomb, that's inside the body of a very flatulent man, away from the people.**

 _ **Jack Slater: My God! This man's not dead!**_

 **(Everybody starts yelling and shouting as Jack grabs the body out of the coffin and tries to get it away)**

 _ **Jack Slater: Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor! Out of my way! This man needs a doctor!**_

 _ **Funeral Doctor (Played by Nick Dimitri): I'm a doctor.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: You're a doctor?**_

 _ **Funeral Doctor: Yes.**_

 _ **Jack Slater: Uh, check his chin.**_

 **(Slater whacks the funeral doctor in the face with Leo's corpse)**

"God, the jokes are so fuckin' horrible!" Sean growled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jack makes off with the dead body and knowing that this is a mob funeral that everyone there is armed to the teeth, especially the old Italian lady in a wheelchair packing a machine gun while Danny manages to work a crane and help Jack escape and I swear that this is the strangest slow-mo shot ever, I had to make fun of this by adding this music)**

 **(Music from** _ **Die Hard**_ **starts playing as Jack falls in slow motion until he manages to grab on to Leo the Fart's corpse, that's busy hanging from the crane)**

"I'm sorry, was Schwarzenegger trying to imitate a Wile E. Coyote cartoon?" Sean asked. "That was pretty weird."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our heroes manage to save the day but Benedict still has the ticket. But before he checks to see what's on the other side, he has to deal with his annoying boss.**

 _ **Tony Vivaldi: (While Benedict points a gun at him) What is this, Benedict? First, you're my friend. Now you turn a 360 on me.**_

 _ **Benedict: God. One-eighty, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin. One-eighty! If I did a 360, I'd gp completely around and end up back where I started!**_

 _ **Tony Vivaldi: What?**_

 _ **Benedict: Trust me.**_

 **(Benedict shoots and kills his former boss)**

"That's one way to turn on your boss. Why couldn't he just shoot Vivaldi why he is sitting on the toilet?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Even though I harp on this movie, I just have to say that Charles Dance is the best thing about this movie. He's actually having some fun with this character. I especially like this moment where he breaks the fourth wall.**

 _ **Benedict: (Breaks the fourth wall) If God was a villain, (turns to the camera) he'd be me.**_

"Okay, Charles Dance playing God in a movie and God is the villain in the movie, that'd be friggin' awesome. I'd pay good money to watch that movie." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Slater crashes through the mansion in a friggin' monster truck and right when he's about to arrest Benedict, he gives him an epic beatdown.**

 **(Jack punches Benedict in the stomach)**

 _ **Jack Slater: That was for blowing up my second cousin, Frank's house. (He takes off Benedict's sunglasses) And this is for blowing up my ex-wife's house. (Slaps his hand) But this… This is for my daughter's black eye!**_

 **(Jack throws Benedict into the butler as they end up magically going through the wall, leaving no damage)**

 _ **Jack Slater: (To Danny) Usually, when I do that, it leaves a hole.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Looney Tunes**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Marvin the Martian (Voiced by the late Mel Blanc): Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Realizing that Benedict has the ticket, Danny and Jack travel to the real world and they go after Benedict. But then Jack sees that things are different in real life than in the movies.**

 _ **Jack Slater: (To Danny) Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.**_

 **(Slater fires at the taxi cab that Benedict stole but the bullets go through the trunk with no explosion)**

 _ **Jack Slater: Not a word. Not one word.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Twins**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Julius Benedict (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): For the first time in my life I'm PISSED OFF!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Since they're in the real world, things work different here like if you smash a car window with your bare hand and not hurt it, it would hurt like hell and your hand will be bleeding. Oh, and here's the thing about playing chicken in real life…**

 **(Jack and the taxi cab crash into each other)**

 _ **Danny Madigan: Oh, Christ. Please (Runs to check on Jack)**_

 **(Jack gets out of the car, unharmed but sore)**

 _ **Jack Slater: Damn it, that hurt.**_

"Yeah, playing chicken in real life will be fatal for you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, just when you thought that the film should be over by now, things tend to get boring throughout the film as Slater just mopes around, realizing that he's a fictional character in a movie.**

 _ **Nick: You know, there's lots worse things than movies. There's politicians and wars and forest fires and famine and plague. Sickness, pain, warts, politicians…**_

 _ **Jack Slater: You already mentioned them.**_

"Well, you can always run for governor of California. That would work out for you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after boring scene after boring scene after boring scene but I do have to admit it's nice to see a change of location from Los Angeles to New York. Anyway, we see that Benedict is running loose in the real world and he releases The Ripper from** _ **Jack Slater III**_ **with the ticket and then Slater and Danny realize that Benedict is going after Arnold Schwarzenegger. And guess who's at the premiere? Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver.**

"Ugh, why am I doing this? Can we skip right to the climax, please?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Danny arrive at the premiere of Jack Slater IV and we get all those pointless cameos I told you about before and the Ripper is there to kill Schwarzenegger and what do you know, he fails! So, he kidnaps Danny and holds the kid at axepoint on a rooftop. Gee, where have I seen that before? Oh, yeah. The beginning of the film where they're showing the climax to** _ **Jack Slater III**_ **! We know what's going to happen, dude!**

 _ **Jack Slater: It's now between you and me, so let the boy go.**_

 _ **Ripper: Hey, we've played this number before, haven't we, Jack?**_

"Oh, Christ. Do we have to go through this shit again? Skip to the end and kill the little shit!" Sean yelled out.

 **(Ripper throws Danny off the roof and we hear the Goofy holler. Then, the Ripper dances around before throwing his axe at Jack. Jack dodges the axe as it hits something)**

"Thank you!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Jack manages to fry the Ripper by giving him 24000 volts of electricity up his ass but hey Danny is all right. Hey, why couldn't** _ **Jack Slater III**_ **fake Jack's son's death? So anyway, Jack rescues Danny and he needs a vacation. But they still have the big bad to deal with when Benedict arrives in a suit and a black tie so he won't miss this event. He tries to kill our heroes and reveals his dastardly plan.**

 _ **Benedict: Think of villains, Jack. You want Dracula? Dracula? Hang on. (Pulls out the magic ticket) I'll fetch him. Dracula. I can get King Kong. (Shoots at Jack and Danny once more) We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger. Have a surprise party for Adolf Hitler. Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. And then we'll all have a christening for Rosemary's baby. All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here.**_

"Holy smokes. That's actually a pretty cool plan. Alright, Benedict has the best villain plan ever. Just think of the possibilities. Can you imagine Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Ghostface and Pennywise the Clown in the real world trying to kill you? You know, that's my biggest fear ever. Having those four after my ass and trying to kill me. Yeah, that's an absolute nightmare." Sean said.

 _ **Jack Slater: Gee, did you make a movie mistake! You forgot to reload the damn gun.**_

 _ **Benedict: No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.**_

 **(Benedict shoots Jack in the chest)**

"Uh, Jack. In the movie world, you're bulletproof. In real life, you're not. You suck at tactics, buddy! Next time, wear a bulletproof vest." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) I mean, there's too much to care about in the climax so let's move on. Jack, who's still alive after taking a bullet to the chest, shoots Benedict's eye out and blows him away but also causing the ticket to get lost in the wind and yet, the ticket does whatever it wants when it releases Death, played oddly enough by Ian McKellen, to come out of the silver screen and walk the streets of New York to give people the touch of death. But hey, Danny tries to get Jack back into the movies because hey, he's got a flesh wound. But Death comes and says that Jack is not on any of his lists and gives him some advice.**

 _ **Death (Played by Ian McKellen): If I were you, I might be looking for the other half of the ticket.**_

"One ticket to rule them all, one ticket to fi…what am I doing? Just find the other half, dummy!" Sean yelled out, imitating Death.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Let's wrap this up. Danny finds the other half of the ticket and gets Jack back into the movie. The doctors patch him up and Jack is feeling good, Danny reunites with Nick after having an amazing adventure, and Jack tells Lt. Dekker to shut up.**

 _ **Jack Slater: You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes, and you know what else? I'm the hero so shut up!**_

"Alright, fine. I'll end the review. So, that was _Last Action Hero_ and even though that the movie sucked, I still find it enjoyable to watch." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, the movie was a box-office bomb during it's initial theatrical release but it's garnered a cult following among fans and critics. Hey, it's a fun flick with some good humor that I like and the acting isn't bad. But quite of this movie is weird and later on in the film it tends to get boring because of the kid trying to convince the hero that it's a movie. What I loved about the movie was that it's a parody of action films. Also, I find this film to be pretty underrated and I watch it every time when it comes on TV or on a movie channel or I can just pop in the Blu-Ray and watch it.** _ **Last Action Hero**_ **comes in at 3 magic tickets out of 5.**

"Well, that's all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time." Sean said. "And remember, when you see a big fancy mansion, just stop in front and simply shout "The bad guys are in there!"."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **To be or not to be. Not to be.**_

 **And that's all for the review of** _ **Last Action Hero**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it. Next time, on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, which movie should I review next? Here are the choices:**

 _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **: Sean takes a look at the 2000 film adaptation starring Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Bill Murray to see how well it holds up while dealing with a bunch of angry feminists.**

 _ **Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze**_ **: It's turtle power when Sean takes a look at the sequel to the 1990 smash-hit. Might be a co-review, if anyone's interested.**

 _ **The Top 11 Intros**_ **: Sean takes a look at his favorite TV intros of all time. Which ones made the pick?**

 _ **Interesting Factoid**_ **: Mask of the Phantasm: Sean goes back to his favorite animated Batman movie and takes a look at a few details that were missed.**

 _ **The Hunchback of Notre Dame**_ **: Sean takes a look at Disney's animated adaptation of Victor Hugo's novel.**

 **Which one do you want me top work on next? Feel free to let me know in the comments. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Speaking of updates, I'm planning on picking which one-shot to work on aside from working on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **and my other stories. Here are the two one-shots:**

 _ **Sister Spying**_ **(Cami/Charlotte,** _ **Coop and Cami Ask the World**_ **)**

 _ **The Object of Her Affection**_ **(Taylor/Brie,** _ **American Housewife**_ **)**

 **Which one don you want me to work on as well? Feel free to let me know. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	72. Episode 68: Charlie's Angels

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean takes a look at the 2000 film** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **. Aside from reviewing the film, he has to contend with an angry feminist and his crude jokes. Remember, this is a parody and I'm not trying to offend anyone who's a feminist. So sit back, relax, grab yourself something cold to drink and enjoy this hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **is owned by Columbia Pictures.**

 **Episode Sixty-Eight**

 **Charlie's Angels**

We open with our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic entering his living room and sitting down on his couch as he prepares to start his introduction.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "I think it's about time that we talk about _Charlie's Angels_."

 **(Footage for the 2019 reboot trailer is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we've heard about the 2019 reboot and the trailer that debuted in theaters. I saw the trailer when my mom and I saw** _ **Spider-Man: Far From Home**_ **back in July. In the reboot, it stars Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott and Ella Balinska. The film is a continuation of the first two** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **movies and the television show and this one is directed by Elizabeth Banks, who also stars in the reboot and wrote the screenplay. Okay, now I'm thinking to myself "Does she think this is a good idea to reboot** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **?".**

"Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with Elizabeth Banks directing the reboot, but I don't think that it's a good idea to reboot it." Sean said.

"Misogynist!" A female voice yelled out.

"What the hell is that?" Sean asked as he looked around the room.

"You think that a woman isn't capable of directing a _Charlie's Angels_ reboot?" A woman wearing glasses, a red sweater and a floral vest said as Sean noticed her.

"Wait, how the hell did you get in here?!" Sean asked.

"The name's Piper, I'm from the FAMC." Piper said.

"The FAMC? What is that?" Sean asked.

"Feminists Against Mayhem Critic." Piper said as she holds up a poster with Sean's face on it.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Really?" Sean asked.

"You don't think that Elizabeth Banks is capable of directing a movie? Did you expect a man to direct Charlie's Angels?" Piper asked.

"No, I have a feeling that Elizabeth Banks will do a good job in directing the reboot." Sean said.

"Oh, really? This coming from a man who doesn't think that women can't be Ghostbusters because men are allowed to be _Ghostbusters_." Piper said.

"Now wait a minute. Why are you bringing up _Ghostbusters 2016_? I thought we were over this." Sean said. "I like the original _Ghostbusters_ better."

"Oh, boo-hoo." Piper said.

"Ugh. Can I talk about the movie, please?" Sean asked.

"Fine. Sexist bastard." Piper said as Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Today, I'm going to talk about _Charlie's Angels_. The 2000 film version." Sean said.

"Pig!" Piper shouted.

"Ugh! Just roll the footage." Sean said.

 **(The title of the movie is shown as well as clips from the film while** _ **Charlie's Angels 2000**_ **by Apollo Four Forty starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I'm talking about the film adaptation that was released in theaters on November 3, 2000. The film stars Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Bill Murray and it was directed by McG…**

 **Piper: (Narrating) Oh, great! A guy directing** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, shut up! The film was directed by Joseph McGinty Nichol, also known as McG, in his directorial debut. He's also known for directing it's sequel** _ **Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle**_ **and** _ **Terminator: Salvation**_ **. Oh, yeah. He also directed** _ **We Are Marshall, This Means War, 3 Days to Kill, The Babysitter**_ **and** _ **Rim of the World**_ **and he also produced the Netflix movie Tall Girl. So what is it about? It's about three beautiful women working for their mysterious boss to find a kidnapped software genius and retrieve a stolen voice-ID software from the hands of very bad people by using their wit, martial arts and being sexy all at the same time.**

Sean looks down and noticed what Piper is placing onto him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sean asked as Piper got off of the floor.

"I placed these pads on your genitals." Piper said.

"Why?" Sean asked.

"If you say any derogatory comments about any of these women, I will press this button and it will send volts of electricity to your manhood. For example." Piper said as she pressed the button.

Sean screams as he felt the electric shock hitting him. "What the hell was that for?!"

"That was for that comment about Miley Cyrus." Piper said.

"I didn't make that comment!" Sean exclaimed.

"I know. I just felt like punishing you." Piper said.

"God." Sean said. "Okay, for those of you who haven't heard of _Charlie's Angels_ let me give you a little history on the show."

 **(Clips from the 1976-1981 TV show is shown while the theme music plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The show ran for five seasons on ABC from 1976 to 1981 and it starred Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Jaclyn Smith, Cheryl Ladd, Shelley Hack, Tanya Roberts, David Doyle and John Forsythe as the voice of their boss Charlie. The show follows the adventures of three beautiful women working in a private detective agency. In later seasons, there were some casting changes. After Farrah Fawcett left, Cheryl Ladd joined the cast in season two. Then Shelley Hack joined the cast in season four after Kate Jackson left the show because of problems on set and her and Cheryl Ladd never getting along with each other. Then on the show's final season, Shelley Hack left the show and Tanya Roberts joined the cast. Damn! I haven't seen a lot of cast changes since Law & Order. The show had a reputation for merely being "Jiggle TV", but the show gained it's popularity from it's audiences. After the show's cancellation in 1981, the series continued to have a cult and pop culture following through syndication and it's DVD releases. So in 2000, one of the execs at Columbia Pictures figured that it would be a good idea to make a **_**Charlie's Angels**_ **movie.**

"With the show having dramatic elements, the film version had more comical elements. It was more of an action-comedy Have a first-time director directing this movie and John August, who's the screenwriter for the films _Go, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ and the live-action version of _Aladdin,_ wrote the screenplay for the film alongside Ed Solomon, who wrote the screenplay for _Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Mom and Dad Save the World, Men in Black_ and…" Sean said as the poster for the movie _Super Mario Bros._ pop up on-screen. "Ugh, that movie! Hey, even though Ed Solomon wrote the screenplay for _Super Mario Bros.,_ I'm sure that this script is in good hands. So, let's dive right into _Charlie's Angels_ and see if I can keep this review free from derogatory comments."

 **(The movie begins with the Columbia Pictures logo, then it zooms into the clouds until we see an airplane)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our movie opens with the traditional Columbia Pictures logo, followed by the zoom-in on the clouds until we see an airplane flying before we get the inside of the plane. Then, the camera follow some guy wearing African garb and we see that the man named Mr. Jones played by LL Cool J is meeting with this Steve Buscemi-looking guy for an exchange.**

 _ **Mr. Jones (Played by LL Cool J): Where's the bomb?**_

 **(Pasqual unzips his jacket to reveal a bomb, then the camera zooms in on the bomb, showing that it's counting down)**

 _ **Pasqual (Played by Sean Whalen): I am the bomb.**_

"What the hell? How in the hell did he get that bomb past airport security? I know that the film was released before 9/11 but seriously. This just goes to show that airport security sucks." Sean said.

 **(We see on the television screen, they're showing the movie** _ **T.J. Hooker: The Movie**_ **)**

 _ **Mr. Jones: (Sighs) Another movie from an old TV show.**_

 _ **Pasqual: Well, what are you gonna do?**_

 **(Mr. Jones looks at his watch)**

 **** _ **Mr. Jones: Walk out.**_

"Hey, that's how I felt when I saw _Baywatch_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Mr. Jones grabs Pasqual and jumps out of the plane with him in a most-impressive sequence ever as he skydives until another mysterious skydiver flies after them to remove the bomb off of him and land safely on a speedboat, where a bikini-clad beauty is driving.**

 **Natalie Cook (Played by Cameron Diaz): Nice flight?**

 **(Alex removes her helmet and tosses her hair in the air as Mr. Jones lands on the boat)**

 **Pasqual: (Screams) You crazy bastard!**

 **Mr. Jones: (Takes out a voice changing device from out of his mouth and speaks with a feminine voice): I think you mean "crazy bitch".**

 **(Mr. Jones takes off his mask, revealing a beautiful redheaded woman)**

 _ **Pasqual: What is this? What's going on here?!**_

"Oh, my god! LL Cool J suddenly turned into a beautiful white woman! Aaaaaah!" Sean screams.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, who are these three beautiful women? Where did they come from? Well, let Charlie, once again voiced by the late John Forsythe, tell you all about them.**

 _ **Charlie (Voiced by the late John Forsythe): Once upon a time, there were three very different little girls…/who grew up to be three very different women./But they have three things in common: they're brilliant, they're beautiful and they work for me. My name is Charlie.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our three heroines for this movie: Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz, Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu. After the introduction to our characters, we get an awesome-as-hell intro with that kick-ass rendition of the Charlie's Angels theme. By the way, the music is awesome in the movie. After that intro we get….**

 **(We get a shot of Dylan's legs with water dripping all over it as the camera pans up to her face)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) …hello, legs.**

"Aaah, go fuck yourself!" Sean exclaimed as he felt an electric shock hitting his body.

"That's one." Piper said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Dylan is waking up after having a night of passion with, oh, God. Not him. (Sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chad played by Tom Green. You know, the nutbag who starred and directed** _ **Freddy Got Fingered**_ **, a film that the Nostalgia Critic reviewed, poor bastard. Also, fun fact: Drew Barrymore and Tom Green were dating at the time they filmed the movie.**

"Oh, Christ. I'm so glad that they're marriage ended in 2002." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Charlie calls Dylan and it's time for her to leave Chad's boathouse before he gives her something more than breakfast.**

 _ **Chad (Played by Tom Green): Is it the boat?**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders (Played by Drew Barrymore): It's not the boat. I have to go.**_

 _ **Chad: Is it the Chad?**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: It might be the Chad.**_

 **(Dylan gets in her car and drives off as Chad looks in shock)**

 _ **Chad: It's the Chad! (Drops his spatula and skillet of eggs in the water) It's the Chad!**_

 **(Chad falls into the water)**

"Hey, that's how I felt after I saw Tom Green in _Road Trip_ and _Freddy Got Fingered_. That was my exact reaction." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Natalie, who's busy having fun on Dancing With the Stars until she realizes that it's a dream and her happy-go-lucky self just starts dancing her heart off in her underwear.**

 **(We see Natalie dancing in her underwear and shaking her behind)**

"You know, I've always known that Princess Fiona from _Shrek_ has got a nice ass… AAAHHHHH!" Sean screamed as another electroshock hits his body.

"That's another one, pig." Piper said after she pressed the button.

 _ **Natalie Cook: (To the UPS Delivery Guy) Good morning. I signed the waiver, so feel free to stick things in my slot.**_

Sean just stares at the camera and stays silent for a bit, giving a low sigh before saying a word. "I know what you're doing, movie. I know what you want me to do but I don't want to. Nope! Because I do not want to get shocked in the nuts again for saying a crude joke about Natalie's line. It's a line with heavy sexual innuendos followed by a sexual remark from me. Nope, I'm not going to do that."

"I wish I could stick it in her slot." Lucas said.

"Goddamn it, Lucas! AAAHHH!" Sean screamed out after getting shocked by Piper once more. "What was that for? I didn't even say that, you crazy bitch! Why couldn't you shock him instead?!"

"Sorry, broski. I don't want to deal with crazy feminists. Your on your own." Lucas said as he immediately left the room.

 **Sean: (Narrating) When then cut to a desert, which is supposed to be a movie set and a trailer, where…**

 _ **Alex Munday (Played by Lucy Liu): This is going to be long… hard and rough.**_

We cut back to Sean, who's making a confused look on his face from the dialogue.

 _ **Jason Gibbons (Played by Matt LeBlanc): Sometimes when it's rough, I just get there faster.**_

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked, looking confused.

 _ **Alex Munday: If you don't defuse this bomb Logan, L.A.'s gonna be a new underwater attraction.**_

 _ **Jason Gibbons: Which wire? The red one or the blue one?**_

 _ **Alex Munday: Bum-bum-bum! (Laughs)**_

 _ **Jason Gibbons: (Chuckles) That is not helping.**_

"I'm sorry, were you two talking about sex or something else? I'm getting pretty fucking confused." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Alex and her movie star boyfriend Jason, played by Matt LeBlanc, are reading lines from a script for a movie that he's starring in.**

"Well, I see that Estelle found a movie for Joey to star in, the lead role in an action movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jason is curious about Alex's job and wants to meet Charlie but she says that Charlie is not a very sociable person. She discusses her situation with Natalie and Dylan while sharing her muffins with them and Alex's muffins are not a big hit with them.**

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Oh, my God.**_

 **(Dylan throws her muffin at Natalie and hits her on her chest)**

 _ **Natalie Cook: (Whispers) Ow!**_

 **(A clip from the** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers**_ **episode** _ **Food Fight**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Bulk (Played by Paul Schrier): Hey, I betcha I can hit the principal over there.**_

 **(Bulk laughs and throws the cream pie Mr. Kaplan. The pie misses and takes off Kaplan's toupee and hits skull in the face)**

 _ **Skull (Played by Jason Narvy): (Yells) Food fight!**_

 **(Natalie throws her muffin at Dylan. Dylan dodges the muffin as it hits the door. Then, Bosley opens the door and sees the muffin)**

 _ **Bosley (Played by Bill Murray): (Points at the muffin) What do you call this?**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Chinese fighting muffin.**_

 **(Natalie laughs as Alex looks annoyed)**

"Oh, hey. A new weapon that I can use on you, Piper." Sean said.

"Oh, really?" Piper asked as she raises her eyebrow and throws a muffin at Sean's head.

"Ow!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Bosley, played by Bill Murray, and trust me he's the best thing about this movie, gives Alex some advice relationships until Charlie calls to give his Angels a new assignment. We learn that a software genius named Knox…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Alexander Knox (Played by Robert Wuhl): Hello, legs.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Knox. We learn that a software genius by the name of Eric Knox, played by Sam Rockwell, has been kidnapped and his revolutionary voice-recognition system that he created has been stolen by bad people.**

 _ **Alex Munday: (Sees the woman that was left behind) Who's the lady left behind?**_

 _ **Charlie: Vivian Wood, she's the president of Knox Technologies.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Oh, she did it.**_

 _ **Vivian Wood (Played by Kelly Lynch): (Closes the door after she enters the agency) I guess we can all go home then.**_

"Well, that was short and easy. Roll credits then." Sean said.

 **(We cut to the end credits while the song** _ **Independent Women**_ **sung by Destiny's Child starts playing)**

"No! I'm not gonna do that to you! I'm just kidding. Let's continue, shall we?" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Their client Vivian Wood, played by our good friend Doc from** _ **Road House**_ **herself Kelly Lynch, is a the president of Knox Technologies and a good friend of Eric Knox. She's hired the Angels to help find Eric Knox. Knox is believed to be kidnapped by the owner of the communications-satellite company called Redstar named Roger Corwin played by Tim Curry. Corwin has a grudge against Knox and in order to get information on Knox, our three private eyes head down to a massage parlor, where he gets his weekly massage, and he's about to be in good capable hands by Alex with a very special massage.**

 _ **Roger Corwin (Played by Tim Curry): Can we get started this millennium?**_

 _ **Alex Munday: (Runs towards Corwin and yells) Banzai!**_

 **(Alex jumps on Corwin's back and stands on it as Corwin groans)**

"Yikes, take it easy there, Alex. No need to hurt the man." Sean said.

 _ **Alex Munday: (Massages Corwin's back with her feet) You're holding a lot of tension in your 4**_ _ **th**_ _ **and 5**_ _ **th**_ _ **vertebrae.**_

 _ **Roger Corwin: I know.**_

 _ **Alex Munday: Let's see if I can work that out.**_

 **(Moves her feet around Corwin's back in a fast pace. Alex moves her foot down to Corwin's face and massages the side of his face with her foot)**

 _ **Alex Munday: Just by activating the right energy points, you can increase circulation….**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or is Tim Curry enjoying that massage way too much?**

"I'm not kidding. He's really enjoying that massage. I bet ya he's one of those foot fetish freaks and this is what he was thinking." Sean said.

 **Sean: (V/O as Tim Curry) Ohh, those soft soles of hers. Those lovely French tips on her nails. Bring those pretty toes of yours close to my mouth so I can suck on them. Ohhhhh!**

 _ **Alex Munday: Or even… (Knocks Corwin out with her foot) …render a man unconscious.**_

"Okay, I'll have what he's having. Except for the knocking out part." Sean said until he ends up feeling an electric shock hitting his body and screams in agony.

"That's what a misogynistic pig would say." Piper said.

"Oh, come on. I didn't say anything dirty. Okay, I was thinking of saying it but I wasn't." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after giving Corwin the massage of his life, they suspect that Corwin is behind Knox's disappearance and that he's got someone else doing his dirty work. And from the footage of Knox's kidnapping and enhancing a reflection from the car window and getting a photo of one of the kidnappers, a creepy Thin Man, played by Crispin Glover…**

 **(A scene from** _ **Friday the 13**_ _ **th**_ _ **: The Final Chapter**_ **is shown, showing the scene where Crispin Glover's character Jimmy Mortimer is seen dancing to** _ **Love Is a Lie**_ **by Lion)**

"Yeah, that guy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they infiltrate a party being held at Corwin's downtown penthouse to search for the suspicious "Thin Man". And they bring Bosley in for the ride as he go undercover as…**

 _ **Bosley: John David Rage, self-help guru.**_

 _ **Roger Corwin: John David Rage?**_

"John David Rage? What the hell kind of name is that? Bosley, for the love of God, please don't blow your cover." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While undercover and giving Bosley a drink, Natalie meets a bartender named Pete, played by Luke Wilson…**

"God, don't let his acting be bad as his brother Owen's." Sean said.

 _ **Pete Komisky (Played by Luke Wilson): That's incredible.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: What is?**_

 _ **Pete Komisky: Your smile.**_

"Wow, your smile is beautiful. I'm Luke Wilson. Yeah, nice read there, buddy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With some encouragement from Dylan and Alex, she goes over to Pete to flirt with him. After almost embarrassing herself with some lines because she's being flustered a bit, Alex tells Natalie to do something that will definitely attract a guy.**

 _ **Alex Munday: Flip your hair.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: What?**_

 _ **Alex Munday: Flip your goddamn hair.**_

 **(Natalie flips her hair and looks at Pete and smiles at her, making him instantly attracted to her)**

"That's one way of making a guy instantly into you. I haven't seen anything like that since _American Housewife_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **American Housewife**_ **is shown, as we see Kathryn flipping her hair to get Greg's attention)**

 _ **Kathryn (Played by Wendie Malick): Hi, Greg.**_

 _ **Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): Kathryn, you look refreshed.**_

 _ **Pete Komisky: Excuse me. I'm sorry. I don't usually do this, but I was wondering- Unless you're already seeing someone else.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Yeah.**_

 _ **Pete Komisky: Of course you are. Sorry.**_

"Eh, too bad. There are plenty of fish in the sea." Sean said.

 _ **Natalie Cook: No, no, no. I'm not seeing anyone. Free. (Giggles)**_

"Well, at least she's not seeing Stanley Ipkiss." Sean said, making a reference to The Mask.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Pete asks out Natalie on a date for Thursday night. But wait, where's Bosley.**

 **(We see Bosley and Corwin in sumo suits sumo wrestling in front of a crowd of people)**

"Okay, Bill Murray and Tim Curry sumo wrestling in sumo outfits has to be the most hilarious thing to ever be witnessed." Sean laughs.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Aside from what's going on with Bosley, the trio spot the Thin Man and they go after him in an alley. Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you but I find this guy fucking scary when I first watched the movie when I was like nine years old and till this day, I still do. Anyway, we get an awesome chase scene along with a kick-ass fight scene and aside from seeing how creepy the Thin Man is, he is armed with a friggin' sword cane.**

 **(Dylan and Alex kick the Thin Man to the gate. We then see Natalie, Dylan and Alex striking a pose until the Thin Man makes a shriekish battle cry)**

"What the hell kind of battle cry is that?" Sean asked, laughing.

 **(We cut back to the Thin Man's shrieking battle cry)**

Sean continues to laugh once more. "God, it sounds like he's having a bad orgasm. Hell, Cobra from _G.I. Joe_ had a better battle cry."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. This dude happens to be a master of karate and…**

 **(He grabs Dylan by her hair and throws her off of him. We see that he ripped some of her hair and starts sniffing it)**

"Ewww! What's with this movie and what's with him? Does he have a strange fetish for women's hair?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after a few kicks and the movie's iconic slow-mo shot from Natalie when she does a flying kick at the Thin Man, he makes a run for it as our heroes go after him but they end up losing him as check each door and what's behind door number 4?**

 **(Natalie, Dylan and Alex end up finding Knox)**

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Knox.**_

"Well, Knox is found. That means that the case is closed…" Sean said.

 **Charlie: Great work, Angels. But our job's only half-finished. There's still the matter of Mr. Knox's stolen technology.**

"Goddamn it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The case isn't finished yet. There's still Knox's stolen technology that needs to be found.**

 _ **Natalie Cook: All of Redstar's telecommunication satellites have global positioning systems. Combine that with voice identification-**_

 _ **Alex Munday: Redstar can turn any cellphone into a homing device.**_

 _ **Vivian Wood: No one can hide.**_

"Oh, my God. Turning any cellphone into a homing device and invading people's privacy. Can you imagine someone trying to have phone sex and somebody tracks them down?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (While talking on the phone with Taylor) That's nice, babe. So, what are you wearing? T-shirt and panties. What color? White? Ooh, so innocent yet so naughty.**

 **(We see Brian, Rob, Oliver and Adam dressed as S.W.A.T. officers breaking down Sean's door and surround him with automatic weapons)**

 **Sean: What the hell?**

 **Adam: Freeze, pervert!**

 **Rob: Put the phone down, sicko!**

 **Sean: Dude, I was just having a conversation with my girlfriend!**

 **Oliver: We know what you're doing. We've tracked you down. Arrest him.**

 **(They arrest Sean)**

 **Sean: Oh, come on. That's an invasion of privacy!**

 **Brian: (Slaps Sean in the face) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. Sick bastard. He tries to get himself off from talking dirty to women. What kind of a world are we living in?**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Angels learn that Corwin will be at the California Speedway premiering his RedStar racer as they do a little recon by placing a hidden camera on his limo. But they have to do it discreetly as Dylan distracts Corwin's chauffer in a seductive way while Alex places the hidden camera on his briefcase.**

 _ **Dylan Sanders: (She gets in Corwin's limo. We see that she's revealing a lot of cleavage through her unzipped top) It's, uh, hot out there.**_

"Oh, snap." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.

 **(The limo driver looks at her)**

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Whew. It's hot in here too.**_

 _ **Corwin's Driver (Played by Andrew Wilson): Maybe I can make you a little more comfortable just a second.**_

 **(Corwin's driver turns on the air conditioning as the cool air hits Dylan as she moans and giggles)**

"Oh, God. Movie don't do this to me." Sean pleads. "Please, Sean Jr. can't take much more electric shocks."

 _ **Dylan Sanders: (While flirting with the driver) I love cars.**_

 _ **Corwin's Driver: Do you like fast cars?**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: I like fast everything.**_

 **(Dylan licks the steering wheel)**

 _ **Corwin's Driver: Oh, my God.**_

"God, I wish I was that steering wheel right now. Dammit!" Sean yelled out.

"Another comment. You know what that means, right?" Piper asked.

"Piper, please. Don't. Anything but that. Just please don't press… AAAAHHHH!" Sean screams as Piper presses the button to give him another electric shock, then cries. "Why are you so mean?!"

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Thanks for the ride.**_

"Oh, you can ride me anytime. AAAAHHHH!" Sean screamed in agony as Piper gives him another shock.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After placing the hidden camera on Corwin's briefcase, Natalie begins to notice a familiar face who's driving the racecar.**

 **(Love Is a Lie by Lion starts playing as we see the Thin Man holding some of Dylan's hair and rubs it against his face)**

"Okay, the Thin Man is creeping me out with his hair fetish." Sean said, looking disturbed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After noticing the creepy Thin Man with the hair fetish, Natalie goes after him and they engage in an intense racecar chase on the speedway and off the speedway and on the streets of L.A. It's a chase scene so intense that I think it should have the death toll to it. Then, the chase scene comes to a thrilling climax as Natalie and the Thin Man confront each other on the Vincent Thomas Bridge. Well, we all know what that means.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Last Action Hero**_ **is shown)**

 **Danny Madigan (Played by Austin, O'Brien): Chicken, it is.**

 **(As Natalie and the Thin Man prepare to drive into each other, a seagull on the middle of the bridge flies away)**

"Oh, yeah. You got to make sure that the seagull flies away so it won't get hit. That's another movie cliché." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Natalie and the Thin Man play a little chicken with each other until one of them moves out of the way…**

 **(The Thin Man crashes into Natalie's racecar and flies off of the bridge)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) …or crash into that person and fly off the bridge until you land into the water. Well, he's dead. I'm sure he won't be coming back. Back at the Townsend Agency, the Angels study the layout of RedStar from the hidden camera placed on Corwin's briefcase and getting a glimpse of the mainframe that's hidden behind a door.**

 _ **Eric Knox (Played by Sam Rockwell): Well, that's where my software would be. But the security looks incredible.**_

 _ **Alex Munday: Yeah, restricted access.**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Fingerprint ID.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Retinal scanner.**_

"Well, got a plan? I would love to hear it." Sean said.

 _ **Charlie: Angels, break it down.**_

 **(We see two directors of Redstar who have access to the mainframe room)**

 **Dylan Sanders: Only two directors of Redstar have access to the mainframe room. In order to get through the security system, they have to synchronize their entrance./A gelatin scanning plate takes exact fingerprints.**

"Okay." Sean said, nodding in approval.

 _ **Natalie Cook: A laser accurate of .009 millimeters scans the retina.**_

 _ **Alex Munday: The mainframe is accessible only through an airless antechamber…**_

"Right. An airless antechamber. Wait, let me write this down." Sean said as he grabs his notepad and a pen.

 _ **Natalie Cook: There's only one way to get through undetected: be invisible.**_

"Okay. What about the floorplates? I'm sure that it's rigged with pressure sensitivity. I mean, any contact exceeding the alarm triggers in 25 seconds." Sean said.

 _ **Vivian Wood: Sounds impossible.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Sounds like fun. (Smiles)**_

"Fun? Why don't you try breaking into the CIA like Ethan Hunt did in Mission: Impossible. You'll see how fun that'll sound." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) In order to infiltrate Redstar HQ, they have to acquire the fingerprints of Director 1 to replicate a hand and scanning the second director's eye by dressing up as Austrian yodelers and putting a big horn close to Director 2's face. After acquiring the fingerprints and eye scan, the Angels infiltrate Redstar headquarters and…**

 **(We see Alex walking down the office wearing a sexy black leather outfit and she is followed by Dylan and Natalie, who are both dressed as men. All of the nerdy male workers gawk at Alex)**

"Well, helloooooo nurse!" Sean said with a smile on his face. "Alex suddenly turned into Asa Akira in a black leather outfit and getting ready to dominate some guy."

"Oh, brother. Comparing Alex to a female pornstar. Are you serious?" Piper asked, crossing her arms at Sean.

"Come on. I know that all men who saw this movie were thinking that. Don't act like it, guys!" Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Doris (Played by Melissa McCarthy): You must be Miss Aarons. I'm Doris. I'm sorry for all this confusion. I had you on the schedule for next week instead of this week. I don't know what happened.**_

 _ **Alex Munday: That's what I'm here to figure out.**_

 _ **Doris: You are the efficiency expert, huh?**_

 _ **Alex Munday: Yes. I am.**_

 _ **Doris: Bitch.**_

 _ **Alex Munday: I heard that.**_

"One more outburst like that again, then you won't make it to Gilmore Girls and Mike & Molly with Katy Mixon." Sean said, imitating Alex.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Alex becomes every nerdy guy's wet dream by distracting them Dylan and Natalie head down to the mainframe room. After fooling the security system, Natalie sneaks in, dressed in all-white and plants a device in the central computer that will enable them to have access to Redstar's computer and Bosley has the laptop that as a direct link to Redstar's mainframe. But Knox isn't out of the woods yet and since there are people out there trying to go after him, it's best for someone to play bodyguard. And guess who it is?**

We cut to Sean, who has photos of Natalie, Dylan and Alex above him. Then, a photo of Kevin Costner from _The Bodyguard_ pops up with an arrow pointing at him before Sean turns around and noticed the photo.

"What the? No. Wrong guy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Dylan is playing bodyguard for Knox. While checking security at his house on stilts, Dylan begins to notice a photo on Knox's desk.**

 _ **Dylan: Who's the Green Beret?**_

 _ **Eric Knox: That's my Dad. (Picks up the photo)**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: That's nice. (Places a bug on Knox's phone)**_

 _ **Eric Knox: And that's the guy who killed him. Yeah, they were in the army intelligence together. This was his best friend. He turned on him.**_

"Oh, trust me. Get to that part later on in the movie. Just remember the photo because it's going to be very important." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Knox and Dylan start falling in love with each other and yes, because of his sweet pick-up lines involving Shake 'N Bake.**

"God, that is some blatant product placement." Sean said, rolling his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As Knox and Dylan decide to shake up the bedroom, we check on Natalie as we see her out on her date with Pete. So, where is Pete taking her? Maybe somewhere nice like In & Out Burger or taking her out to have drinks or maybe see a movie.**

 _ **Pete Komisky: I hope you like to dance.**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Are you kidding? I love to dance.**_

 **(A big smile appears on Natalie's face as she sees the** _ **Soul Train**_ **set)**

"Pete's got two tickets to _Soul Train_ and he takes Natalie to Soul Train. Uh, have you ever watched _Soul Train_?" Sean asked.

 _ **Bouncer (Played by Jimmy Calloway): You. You wanna dance on stage?**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Yes!**_

"Oh, dear. Natalie, you're white. This is a show that is a staple of Black American institution. It is the brainchild of Don Cornelius. You're going to embarrass yourself." Sean said.

 **(Natalie gets up on stage as "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot plays and she starts dancing)**

"Oh, Christ." Sean looks in horror.

 **(Natalie continues to dance while the audience just watches and not say anything as we hear the crickets chirping)**

"Oh, my God. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. What did you do?" Sean asked.

 **Pete Komisky: She's pretty great, isn't she?**

"Dude, you're in a room filled with black people. My people! The same color as me! I'm black and I'm afraid that they're gonna do something to her. Like kill her! God, just be glad that Don Cornelius isn't watching this. I'm gonna cover my eyes." Sean said as he covers his eyes.

 **(The audience starts cheering Natalie on as she does the robot and continues to dance while they chant "Go white girl!".)**

Sean uncovers his eyes to see what's going on. "Or they can cheer her on. Hey, they actually like her."

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough with Natalie. We check with Alex as we see her on a romantic dinner with Jason to talk to him about her real job.**

 _ **Jason Gibbons: I've been thinking a lot about you and me and, well, us. And I know we have these crazy lives, but I can't help it. I love you./Will you marry me?**_

"Awe, that's cute. Jason's proposing to Alex. I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen." Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(Gunshots are heard as Alex gets shot multiple times in the back)**

"Oh, Jesus! I didn't expect one of them to get killed! Damn, this movie got dark." Sean said, looking surprised.

 _ **Jason Gibbens: (While holding Alex's corpse) Baby?! God, no. Damn you, Salazar. Damn you, Salazar!**_

"Wait, huh?" Sean asked looking confused.

 _ **Director: Cut!**_

 **(Jason drops the actress)**

 _ **Jason Gibbens: Was that over the top? It felt over the top.**_

"Oh, Jason was shooting a movie. Wait, where's Alex?" Sean asked.

 **(We cut to Alex cooking dinner for Jason)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, Alex is cooking up a little romantic dinner for Jason. Okay, that's good. At least nothing bad is happening. Yet. We then cut to a steam room where we see Corwin is taking a little steam the Thin Man, who survived his little swan dive, gives him a little visit.**

 _ **Roger Corwin: What are you doing here?**_

 **(The Thin Man stands in front of Corwin and pulls out his sword. He slashes and kills Corwin)**

"Oh, no. If somebody gets killed, then it means that the body count is about to rise." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we have an attempt on Alex's life as armed gunmen start shooting up Jason's trailer. She survives but the meal is ruined. As for Natalie, she gets attacked by the carjacker from Spider-Man in the bathroom, but she ends up kicking his ass and interrogates him to find out who wants her dead.**

 _ **Natalie Cook: Who sent you?**_

 **(She kicks the bathroom thug in the face and puts her foot against his throat)**

 _ **Natalie Cook: Who?!**_

 _ **Bathroom Thug (Played by Michael Papajohn): Vivian…**_

 _ **Natalie Cook: Spit it out!**_

 _ **Bathroom Thug: Vivian Wood!**_

 **(She lets the thug go)**

 _ **Bathroom Thug: You bitch.**_

 **(Natalie kicks the thug in the face, knocking him out)**

"Dude, here's the thing: you never, ever call a woman a bitch. Only if she deserves to be called one." Sean said as Piper shocks him, making him scream. "AAAAAHHHHH! You bitch!"

"Excuse me, but women don't like being called "bitches"." Piper said.

"You're being a total bitch right now! AAAHHH!" Sean screamed out again.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, it turns out that their client Vivian Wood sent some hired goons to kill them. As intense as this scene is, I enjoyed it but I do have to question a little line from Alex.**

 _ **Alex Munday: Murphy O'Meyer… that does it.**_

"What the hell does that even mean? Murphy O'Meyer? What?" Sean asked.

"Actually, Murphy O'Meyer is an alternate word to use if you don't feel like cursing. For example." Piper said as she presses the button to shock Sean.

"AAAAAHHHHH! Murphy O'Meyer!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Dylan, she has sex with Knox and then she gets a phone call from Natalie to warn her about Vivian. So, Dylan warns Knox about Vivian until Maleficent shows up to kill her. But she's not the only one who has the word "Backstabber" tattooed on their forehead. Turns out that Knox is the bad guy.**

 **(Suspenseful music starts playing)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: First Contact**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): No! NOOOOOOO!**_

 _ **Eric Knox: (To Dylan) Let me get this straight. You're a woman. Women have natural intuition. And you're a detective. And you have no idea that this was gonna happen?**_

 _ **Vivian Wood: I knew.**_

 _ **Eric Knox: Uh-huh. She knew.**_

 _ **Vivian Wood: And I know what's gonna happen next.**_

 _ **Eric Knox: Tell her, baby.**_

 **(Knox kisses Vivian's neck, making her moan)**

 _ **Vivian Wood: All the Angels are going to heaven.**_

"All right, so here's the deal: Knox faked his whole kidnapping and pinned it on Corwin. Corwin had nothing to do with this and Redstar was a setup. But why? What's the whole reason behind Knox's plan?" Sean asked.

 _ **Eric Knox: Ask your boss.**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: Charlie? You're after Charlie.**_

"Uh, why is he after Charlie? Knox, you gotta have a reason to be after a man who we never seen before. What is your beef against a talking voicebox? Charlie could be an alien or something. You could at least just shoot Dylan and be on your way." Sean said.

 **(Knox shoots Dylan as she goes out the window)**

"Jesus! I didn't mean it. Man, this movie definitely got dark." Sean said with a surprised look on his face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, guys. Dylan is fine. And with some impressive use of visual effects, Dylan dodges the bullet as she jumps out the window and hangs onto the bedsheet naked and falls and rolls to the ground. And I love this hilarious exchange between these two kids who are talking about seeing a woman's breasts while playing Final Fantasy VIII on the PS1.**

 _ **Boy #1 (Played by Gaven E. Lucas): So, what did it look like.**_

 _ **Boy #2 (Played by Michael Barryte): Uh, I don't know. It was, like, all cool and stuff.**_

 _ **Boy #1: You've never seen a booby.**_

 _ **Boy #2: Have too.**_

 _ **Boy #1: Have not.**_

 _ **Boy #2: I've seen lots of boobies.**_

"Hey, I've seen more boobies than you, ya little pipsqueak." Sean said.

 **(Dylan, who's naked body is covered by a pool float, as she knocks on the sliding glass door as the two boys notice her)**

 _ **Dylan Sanders: A little help?**_

 **(The two boys look at each other in surprise)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Married… With Children**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): (While looking at the nurse's busty cleavage) Oh, wow. Yeah. Nice, white, firm and those babies should last you a lifetime.**_

Sean feels an electric shock to his testicles once more as Piper presses the button.

"Playing a perverted clip from _Married… With Children_ showing Al looking at a woman's breasts, you deserved to be shocked!" Piper shouted.

"You're not going to break me, Marcy!" Sean shouted.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dylan meets up with Natalie and Alex and explains to them what's going on with Knox and him being behind the whole kidnapping setup. Plus, Knox goes that far to blow up the agency. Also, we learn that Knox has kidnapped Bosley and he has Bosley's laptop with him. So, here's the thing and bear with me, this is Knox's plan: Knox used the Angels to tap into Redstar's mainframe to gain control over their global positioning satellites and with his software to match Charlie's voice over the phone and use the satellites to track Charlie down. And the reason why Knox wants Charlie dead is because Knox thinks that Charlie killed his father. And the only person that Charlie can only contact directly is Bosley. So, where is Bosley? He's in a dirty dungeon, trying to get out.**

 **(We see Bosley trying to find his way out of his cell by trying to break the door down)**

 _ **Bosley: May I have some ice water, please?**_

"Oh, Bill. I have to say aside from playing Dr. Venkman, this is my other favorite Bill Murray role." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Bosley still has his communication device in his mouth to contact the Angels to try to tell them where he's at.**

 _ **Bosley: (To a bird) Jack, tell me where I am.**_

 **(The bird chirps into Bosley's mouth as Natalie recognizes that sound)**

 _ **Natalie Cook: Oh!**_

 _ **Dylan Sanders: What?**_

 **(Natalie imitates bird chirping)**

 _ **Natalie Cook: It's a Sitta pygmaea! A pygmy nuthatch! They only live in one place! Carmel!**_

"Boy, Natalie is so good at recognizing bird sounds, she needs to join Charlotte Wrather's bird calling group." Sean said.

 _ **Bosley: I can't tell you anything else, except… this feels like it could be the first day of the last of my life, you know what I mean? Or the last day of the first of my life or something. I think I'm in trouble.**_

"Oh, well. Bosley will die knowing that he won't be in _Garfield_ for the next four years." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the Angels learn that Bosley is being held at an abandoned lighthouse that's owned by Nick Xero Corporations and Dylan, being the Scrabble freak that she is, recognizes that it's an anagram for Eric Knox. And the best way to get in undetected is by taking the sea approach, so they'll need a boat and Dylan has the perfect person to get them there.**

 **(We cut to the Angels on the boat with Chad taking them and we hear Chad and Dylan singing "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" by Looking Glass)**

"Oh, fucking hell. Not this guy again." Sean said.

 _ **Natalie Cook: Hey, Chad. Um, does this thing go any faster? We're kinda in a hurry, and I can really open it up if you wanted me to drive. I can drive, right?**_

 _ **Chad: I'm sorry, friend of Starfish. But there's only one captain of this love boat. That captain is me, the Chad.**_

"God, I frickin' hate you. Can we skip this guy because he's annoying as hell. Can we get to Knox's grand master plan to kill Charlie and see him dancing to Pharaohe Monarch, please?" Sean asked.

 **(We see Knox dancing to "Simon Says" by Pharaohe Monarch)**

"Thank you. I'm getting sick and tired of seeing Tom Green." Sean said.

 _ **Eric Knox: (To Vivian) Revenge is fun.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Angels get off of Chad's boat, mostly to get away from his annoying ass and they make it on the island to give us a bit of fan service before the camera teases us by not showing them naked. The three of them split up: Natalie looking for Bosley, Alex tapping the signal from the roof and Dylan going to deal with Knox. Dylan finds Knox but she ends up getting captured. Natalie find Bosley and while trying to get Bosley out, she gets a phone call from Pete, but Knox sends two of his goons to deal with her but she easily takes them out. Back with Knox, he has Dylan tied up to a chair and he gets a phone call from Charlie to track him down. While Alex gets a signal, she has a run-in with the Thin Man, while Natalie…**

 **(Vivian throws an axe at the door as Bosley screams. Natalie turns around and sees Vivian waving at her)**

"Oh, snap." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so we have Tina Carlyle from** _ **The Mask**_ **versus Doc from** _ **Road House**_ **. You know what that means? The most hottest catfight ever.**

 **(Vivian and Natalie fight each other before we cut to Alex fighting the Thin Man)**

"Hey, back to the catfight! I want to see someone take something off." Sean said.

 **(Vivian removes her leather jacket)**

"Oh, mama." Sean said.

"Don't you dare." Piper warned.

"Despite what you've done to me, I am going to say this one line." Sean said.

"Sean, stop it or I will press this button and leave you in agony all night." Piper said.

"Aha!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at Piper.

"Don't you dare say that line." Piper said.

"If this catfight gets any more hotter, I want to see them scissor each other!" Sean exclaimed.

Piper presses the button and holds it down to shock Sean, making him scream.

"I warned you, didn't I? I told you not to say it and now you're gonna pay!" Piper shouted.

"You were six years old! You were weak and helpless! You cannot hurt me! THERE… ARE… FOUR… LIGHTS!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we have two fights going on and trust me, they're awesome to watch. Knox goes after Charlie after he finds his location and he leaves his goons to deal with Dylan, yeah I'm sure that they're gonna be fine…**

 **(Dylan starts beating up on Knox's goons and frees herself)**

 _ **Dylan Sanders: King Kong palm.**_

"Worst. Henchmen. Ever. Hey, at least we get that kick-ass line from Drew." Sean said.

 _ **Dylan Sanders: (After knocking out the henchmen) And that's kicking your ass.**_

 **(Dylan starts moonwalking out of the room as Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" starts playing)**

"Okay, that was pretty funny." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dylan joins in on the fun with Natalie and Alex to bring down Vivian and the Tall Man, then Knox shows up in a fucking helicopter to try to blow up the Angels, but he ends up killing Vivian and the Thin Man.**

"Oh, I'm sure those two are alright. Well, only one of them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then the film comes to a thrilling climax as Natalie, Dylan and Alex go after Knox to stop him from assassinating Charlie. Alex tries to reprogram the missile while Dylan gives Knox a beatdown. Alex successfully reprograms the missile and our Angels jump out of the helicopter. As for Knox….**

 **(We freeze on Knox as the screen turns black and white)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Announcer) It was at that moment that Knox knew, he fucked up.**

 **(The missile blows up the helicopter and kills Knox)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Knox is dead and Charlie is safe and Natalie, Dylan, Alex and Bosley relax on a beach drinking their drinks. He congratulates the Angels on a job well done and we learn that Knox's father was undercover and he was killed. Not by Charlie but by the other side. We get a little glimpse of Charlie. Come on, movie. At least show us, Charlie. They toast to Charlie and they all live happily ever after. Let's hope that they show Charlie in the sequel.**

"And that was Charlie's Angels and yes, I enjoyed that movie." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) With some awesome action set pieces that are enjoyable to watch and the humor is pretty funny as well. Had some funny moments. It's a guilty pleasure to watch. The music was pretty excellent. Edward Shearmur, who composed the music for the** _ **Diary of a Wimpy Kid**_ **movies, did a pretty good job with this movie. McG did a pretty good job at directing this movie, not bad for directing his first movie. This movie does have some questionable moments and the acting was not bad. Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu were fabulous, Bill Murray as Bosley was hilarious, Sam Rockwell played an awesome villain, Crispin Glover does his damndest to creep you out and he does a good job at that as the Thin Man and Tom Green, even though I harp on him, he does his best to be weird. If you're a fan of the TV show, check it out. Best film adaptation ever.** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **gets four Thin Man swords out of five.**

"Alright, I've finished reviewing the movie. And you're done torturing me and Sean Jr.! I had enough punishment from you." Sean said.

"Are you sure? How am I not convinced?" Piper asked.

"Don't you dare press that button. Elizabeth Banks will do an awesome job as well as McG and I'm sure her take on _Charlie's Angels_ will be awesome as well. Isn't that convincing you enough, you psycho?!" Sean exclaimed.

"Fine, I'm convinced. You're good… for now." Piper said as she leaves Sean's house.

"Geez. That's all the time we have. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he ends his review.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline- (The Thin Man screams like a banshee)**

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **Charlie's Angels**_ **. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Next time, Sean starts his second annual** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. He kicks it off by reviewing C** _ **hild's Play**_ **, the 1988 version. Here's the list of movies for** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **:**

 _ **Child's Play**_ **(1988)**

 _ **Psycho III**_ **(1986)**

 _ **Scream**_ **(1996)**

 _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (**_ **1988)**

 _ **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**_ **(1989)**

 _ **Stephen King's It**_ **(the 1990 miniseries)**

 **Hope you're excited for those. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	73. Episode 69: Child's Play '88

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and a happy October to you all because it's time for the second annual Halloween Havoc. Same as the first annual Halloween Havoc, I will be reviewing a couple of scary movies that will creep you out. Today's first movie for Halloween Havoc is the 1988 horror film Child's Play. Is it as scary as it is or is it just goofy? Well, sit back, relax and enjoy the new review for The Mayhem Critic.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Child's Play is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.**

 **Episode Sixty-Nine**

 **Child's Play**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and welcome to the second annual _Halloween Havoc_." Sean said.

 **(We get a new intro, in the form of** _ **Stranger Things**_ **as the theme music plays. We see that it says "Halloween Havoc 2")**

"Throughout the month of October, I will be taking a look at a few terrifying tales that will sure give you goosebumps. With that said, let's talk about Tom Holland." Sean said.

 **(A picture of Tom Holland, the actor that plays Spider-Man, is shown)**

"Wrong Tom Holland. I'm talking about the other Tom Holland." Sean said.

 **(A picture of Tom Holland, the director, is shown)**

"There we go." Sean said.

 **(Photos of Tom Holland and some of his movies like** _ **Psycho II, Fright Night '85, Cloak & Dagger, Stephen King's The Langoliers**_ **and** _ **Stephen King's Thinner**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Tom Holland? He's one of the masters of horror. He penned the sequel to** _ **Psycho**_ **in 1983 and he gave us the cult vampire movie** _ **Fright Night**_ **in 1985. The man is a genius in horror as well as storytelling.**

"And what better way to start off Halloween Havoc is when I talk about another one of Tom Holland's movies, _Child's Play_." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie** _ **Child's Play**_ **are shown while music from the movie start playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I know that people like this movie and sometimes it scares people, like my girlfriend. I enjoy this movie and I know that there's some goofy moments in it. The movie was released in theaters on November 9, 1988. The movie tells the story of a little boy who gets a Good Guy doll for his birthday, but unknown to him, the doll is possessed by the soul of a serial killer and it goes on a killing spree and letting the body count rise.**

"I know, it sounds silly but hey I would be creeped out too if the doll I gave me kid came to life. Well, let's see if _Halloween Havoc_ starts off to a great start, let's take a look at _Child's Play_." Sean said.

 **(The movie begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the movie begins as we see detective Mike Norris played by Chris Sarandon, chasing serial killer Charles Lee Ray, a.k.a. the Lakeshore Strangler, played by Brad Dourif down the streets of Chicago while getting into a shoot-out with the guy and he outwits him the best way that he can by hiding right in front of him.**

 **(Charles Lee Ray hides behind a pillar as the police car drives right past him)**

"What the hell? How did he not see the guy? Who's driving that car Chief Wiggum? What? Was he busy eating his donuts?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ray hides in a toy store but Detective Norris isn't going to let him go that easily.**

 **(Detective Norris shoots Ray in the chest)**

"Ha! Take that Grima Wormtongue!" Sean exclaimed as he points at the camera.

 _ **Charles Lee Ray (Played by Brad Dourif): (As he feels his chest and notices blood on his hand): Oh, God, I'm dying.**_

"Wow, at least his taking that bullet wound to the chest very well. I mean, he could at least get mad at the guy and…" Sean said.

 _ **Charles Lee Ray: (Yelling) YOU HEAR THIS, YOU SON OF A BITCH?! (Coughs) I'M GONNA GET YOU, AND I'M GONNA GET EDDIE, NO MATTER WHAT!**_

"Yeah, kinda like that. You gotta get at least your last words in and vowing revenge against that person before you die." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Luckily for the dying Charles, he stumbles across some Good Guy dolls and finds one and guess what? It turns out that he knows some Haitian voodoo spells just in case he kicks the bucket.**

 **(Charles speaks in an ancient ritual language, summoning a spell while placing his hand on the Good Guy doll as lightning flashes. We then cut to Detective Norris, who's continuing his slow search through the toy store while lightning continues to flash)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dude, what the hell are you doing? How can you not find this guy? He's screaming louder. It's just like Gilbert Gottfried playing hide and seek and he yells out, (Imitates Gilbert Gottfried) "Hey, you! Yeah, you! I'm over here! Right here!".**

"Alright. Whoever taught him voodoo, it wasn't Francois Duvalier." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, Haitian voodoo spells tend to make things explode.**

"Like so." Sean said.

 **(A lightning bolt strikes the ceiling window, causing a big explosion, sending Detective Norris flying to a far distance before we cut to the windows to the store shattering from the explosion)**

"Damn, it causes things to explode. What did they put out in the store the explosive Lego sets? They should have that checked out." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Detective Norris survives the explosion. Wow, I guess the Power Rangers toys were explosive-proof but his suspect is dead. We cut to a little boy named Andy Barclay, played by Alex Vincent, and we see that it's his birthday and he's preparing a little breakfast for his mother with a bowl filled to the brim with cereal and milk and sugar on top with a side of toast... (sees that Andy burned the toast) Well, it's burnt toast.**

"Geez, Chef Ramsay's not going to like this kid's cooking." Sean said.

 **(We see Andy preparing breakfast for his mother)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Chef Gordon Ramsay) Andy, look what you did. You burnt the fucking toast, you fucking little shit!**

"Well, at least he didn't stick a knife in the toaster or turn it into a time machine." Brian said, referencing _World's Dumbest_ and _The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror V_.

"Exactly!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Andy's mother Karen, played by Catherine Hicks.**

"Who you might recognize her as Gillian from _Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home_ , one of my favorite Star Trek movies of all time, and as Annie Camden, the wife of Reverend Eric Camden from _7th Heaven_ , which also starred..." Sean said, until he turns to his left and notices a photo of actor Stephen Collins next to him before turning to the camera and saying another word. "Uh, yeah. That guy."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Andy is excited because he's getting a Good Guy doll for his birthday, but all he gets is Good Guy accessories like a Good Guy tool belt.**

"The Good Guys are a parody of what, exactly?" Brian asked.

"I don't know. Maybe they're making fun of the Cabbage Patch Kids or Care Bears or Teddy Ruxpin or the Monchhichis." Sean said.

"The what?" Brian asked, not recognizing the last one.

"The Monchhichis. They're a line of Japanese stuffed animal monkeys back in the 1980s. There was a cartoon produced by Hanna-Barbera." Sean said.

"Oh." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Karen is busy with work as her friend Maggie Peterson, played by Dinah Manoff, tells her that she came across a peddler in the alley behind the store who's selling one. So, they go to the peddler just to buy the thing. Hmm, I wonder if that bum is related to Chester A. Bum.**

 _ **Karen Barclay (Played by Catherine Hicks): How much do you want for it?**_

 _ **Peddler (Played by Juan Ramirez): 50 bucks.**_

 _ **Maggie Peterson (Played by Dinah Manoff): 10 and not a penny more.**_

 _ **Peddler: 30.**_

 _ **Maggie Peterson: What are you kidding? That thing is not worth $30.**_

"You know she's right. I mean, what if there's something wrong with it? Maybe it doesn't work or what if it's broken? You'll never know." Sean said.

 _ **Peddler: (After Karen buys the doll and hands it over to her) Here you go, lady. May it bring you and your kid a lot of joy.**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: Thank you.**_

 _ **Maggie Peterson: Hey, hold on, you! How do we know the damn thing isn't stolen, huh?**_

 _ **Peddler: (Shows off his crotch area towards Maggie): Eh, steal this! (He walks off with his cart)**_

 _ **Maggie Peterson: Eh, "steal this" yourself.**_

"Oh, my God. Those insults were horrible. I heard better insults in movies." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **A Fish Called Wanda**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Otto (Played by Kevin Kline): You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Gleaming the Cube**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Brian Kelly (Played by Christian Slater): If I had a dog with a face like yours I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.**_

 _ **Al Lucero (Played by Steven Bauer): What'd you say?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Empire Strikes Back**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Princess Leia (Played by the late Carrie Fisher): You stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Dolemite**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dolemite (Played by the late Rudy Ray Moore): You no-business, born-insecure, jock-jawed motherfucker!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Toy Story**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Buzz Lightyear (Voiced by Tim Allen): You are a sad, strange little man and you have my pity.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **John Carpenter's They Live**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nada (Played by the late Roddy Piper): You, you're okay. This one: real fuckin' ugly.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **New Jack City**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nino Brown (Played by Wesley Snipes): Sit your five dollar ass down before I make change!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Mean Girls**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Student: Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?**_

 _ **Janis Ian (Played by Lizzy Caplan): Your mom's chest hair!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Stand By Me**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Chris Chambers (Played by the late River Phoenix): (To Ace) Why don't you go home and fuck your mother some more?**_

"Yeah, those are the greatest insults in movie history and this is the best you can come up with? Stupid!" Sean exclaimed.

"Hey, at least she got him one. They go like hotcakes." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Karen gives Andy the doll and boy that doll looks creepy. Hell, it's more creepy that Gabby Gabby from** _ **Toy Story 4**_ **. Hell, I find Benson more scarier. Anyway, while Maggie is watching Andy while Karen is at work, Chucky decides to fuck with her a bit.**

 **(Maggie sees that the television is on and that Chucky is sitting on the couch)**

"Really? Chucky decides to mess with Carol Weston from Empty Nest by turning on the television and watch the news. Couldn't he just kill her?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And with Andy asleep, Chucky decides to mess with Maggie some more as she checks around the apartment to find where the commotion was coming from and who's in the apartment with her, but she couldn't find anything.**

 _ **Maggie Peterson: (After searching the place and couldn't find anything) What is wrong with me? I'm scaring myself half to death.**_

 **(Maggie turns around)**

 **(A sound clip from M.C. Hammer's** _ **U Can't Touch This**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **M.C. Hammer: Hammer time!**_

 **(Maggie gets hit in the head with a hammer by an unseen assailant. She stumbles backwards and falls through the apartment window to her death)**

"Okay, either Chucky killed her or it's the fact that she tripped over something and threw herself out the window like a complete idiot. And this was all coming from a hammer." Sean said. "Also, the body count has started."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The cops come to investigate the crime scene as Karen enters her home to check on Andy, only to find him safe with Detective Dandridge (Detective Norris) and the detective tells Karen the bad news about her friend Maggie.**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris (Played by Chris Sarandon): Miss Peterson's dead, Mrs. Barclay.**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: What? (A long pause occurs)**_

 **Sean: (Voiceover) Can we get a line here?**

 _ **Karen Barclay: How?**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: She fell from your kitchen window.**_

"Yeah, more like she threw herself out the window. She was just being clumsy as fuck." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Detective Humperdinck shows Karen around the crime scene and he shows her some footprints on the counter and he thinks that Andy killed Maggie.**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: (To Andy) What do you got on your feet?**_

 _ **Andy Barclay (Played by Alex Vincent): Good Guy PJ sneakers.**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: Wow. Come here. Can I see the bottoms of them?**_

 _ **Andy Barclay: Sure.**_

 **(Andy shows Detective Norris the bottom of his Good Guy PJ sneakers)**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: Look at this. There's a gun. Is that a cowboy hat?**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: Andy, get into bed. I'll be in a minute to tuck you in.**_

 _ **Andy Barclay: But, Mom…**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: Right now.**_

"Oh, come on. Andy and I were going to play "Arrest the Suspect", I got the handcuffs and everything." Sean said, imitating Detective Norris.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Andy finds some flour particles on the bottom of Chucky's sneakers and he goes to warn his mother and Detective Norris that Chucky was on the kitchen counter. But nobody believes him, so Karen tells him to go to bed right when she kicks the police officers out.**

 **(Detective Norris pushes the door open)**

 _ **Karen Barclay: What?**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: Are you gonna call me?**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: You don't give up, do you?**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: I just… I hate loose ends.**_

"Smooth, dude. Just smooth. Ask the woman out on a date after suspecting that her six-year-old boy killed her best friend. You must've been taking lessons from Peter Venkman." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After kicking the cops out of her apartment, Karen begins to hear Andy talking to Chucky. (Sees the doll) God, he looks so fucking creepy. And he begins to tell her some interesting things: like telling her that his real name is Charles Lee Ray and that he's been sent down from heaven by his father to play with him and he says some more thing, regarding Maggie.**

 _ **Andy Barclay: He said Aunt Maggie was a real bitch and got what she deserved.**_

"I heard somewhere Alex freaked out during filming for that bit. He was what, about the age of his character." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Andy claims that Chucky is alive but his mother tells him that he's just a doll, made of plastic and stuffing and there's no way that he's alive. So, he apologizes to his mother and tells her that he will stop making up stories, so it's all good now.**

 _ **Andy Barclay: (To Chucky) You're right, Chucky. She didn't believe me.**_

 **(Chucky turns his head and looks at the door)**

We cut back to Sean, who shudders in fear after seeing Chucky turning his head. "No wonder my girlfriend is scared of that movie."

 _ **Chucky: Hi. I like to be hugged.**_

"Yeah, I would rather not hug you. You can forget about that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Karen drops Andy off at school but Andy decides to skip school and he somehow gets an L-ticket to take the train down to the other side of town… the ghetto.**

 **(The Elvis Presley song "In the Ghetto" starts playing as we see Andy walking down the bad side of town)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Andy and Chucky arrive at an abandoned house where his old partner Eddie Caputo, played by Neil Giuntoli respectively, is staying at. While Andy is paying the water bill, Chucky runs over to the house to get revenge on the guy that left him.**

 **(Chucky opens the oven door, making a thudding noise as we cut to Eddie Caputo, who wakes up and braces his gun in his hand, getting up to see what's going on. We cut back to Chucky, who turns the knob on the stove, releasing the gas after he blows the pilot light out)**

"Hey, somehow it fills the whole house with gas in about two minutes. And for Eddie to be a complete moron." Sean said.

 **(Eddie opens the kitchen door and opens fire, resulting in the house exploding and killing him)**

"Okay, is it just me or did Michael Bay take over directing this movie because there are one, too many explosions. Come to think of it, can you imagine what it would be like if Michael Bay directed the movie?" Sean asked, then realized what it would be like if Michael Bay directed Child's Play. "Oh, dear. Then, that means a shitload of explosions in it."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Karen is called down to the police station as Detective Jack Skellington takes her to see Andy. Again, Andy is blamed for Eddie Caputo's murder and he sticks to his story that Chucky had something to do with it.**

 _ **Andy Barclay: (To Chucky) Please, say something. (Andy grabs the doll and shakes it violently) Come on, Chucky. Say something. Tell me why you lied to me about everything.**_

 **(A cartoonish cuckoo clock sound effect plays in the background)**

 _ **Andy Barclay: Come on, Chucky. Say something. Tell me.**_

"Okay, it's official. The kid has totally lost his mind." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But a doctor from County General named Dr. Ardmore, played by the late Jack Colvin, takes Andy away for a couple of days after witnessing Andy going nutty. Karen goes home with the Chucky doll and as she tries to throw the box away, she finds a shocking revelation that the batteries were still in the packaging and were never put in him and she suspects that there's something wrong.**

 **(Karen picks Chucky up and turns him around to open his back to access his battery pack; the words "Holy Shit Moment in 3… 2… 1…" appears on the screen as Karen opens the battery pack, revealing that it's empty)**

 _ **Chucky: (Turns his head and speaks in a normal child voice): Hi, I'm Chucky. Wanna play?**_

 **(Karen screams and drops the doll onto the floor)**

"Now, she knows that Andy wasn't kidding." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After learning that there's something up with the doll, Karen tries to get it to talk by threatening to throw it into the fireplace. But the killer Cabbage Patch Kid has a few choice words to say to her.**

 _ **Chucky: (Suddenly comes to life and starts to speak like Charles Lee Ray, attacking her) You stupid bitch! You filthy slut! I'll teach you to fuck with me!**_

We cut back to Sean, who's scene chuckling from watching the scene.

"Oh, sweet Jesus. Can we just have a sign to remind us that this is supposed to be a scary movie?" Sean asked.

 **(The scene where Chucky comes to life and attack Karen plays as the words "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SCARY MOVIE" appear on the screen)**

"Save the comedy for _Bride of Chucky_ and _Seed of Chucky_ , okay? As a matter of fact, and I know for a fact that I'm gonna be immature about this, I have to play this song." Sean said as he points up at the ceiling.

 **(** _ **The Muppet Show**_ **theme song starts playing while Chucky attacks Karen. The song ends as Karen throws Chucky across the room, and he gets up and runs out of the apartment)**

"Boy it turned into a creepy-ass version of _Lamb Chop's Play Along_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Karen runs after Chucky but he easily gets away from her. So, she go meets with Detective I'm Not Michael Nouri to tell him about Chucky and tell him that he's running loose. Now, I'm sure that she's not going to sound crazy.**

 _ **Karen Barclay: See, I threatened to throw him into the fireplace, when all of a sudden, he came alive in my hand. I-I dropped him, and he got up and ran out of the apartment.**_

 **(A brief sound of a cuckoo clock is heard as Detective Norris just stares at Karen)**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: Good night, Mrs. Barclay. (He tries to walk away)**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: Wait a minute. I am telling you the truth. He killed Maggie. He killed Eddie Caputo.**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: Look, Mrs. Barclay. I sympathize with you. I really do.**_

"I sympathize with you Mrs. Barclay, I have a Moncchichi that tried to kill my little brother." Sean said, imitating Detective Norris.

"I have a Power Ranger Dinozord that stepped on my parents and killed them." Brian said.

"I had a Teddy Ruxpin that murdered my family." Oliver said.

"I have an A.J Styles action figure that broke my dad's back." Lucas said.

"Look, what we're trying to say here is that you're fucking crazy and you need some help. Badly." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He doesn't go for it until…**

 **(Karen shows Mike the bite mark on her arm)**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: How did you get those?**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: Chucky bit me.**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: (Looking annoyed) Oh, for God's sake.**_

"Again with Chucky. Will this crazy bitch leave me alone?" Sean imitates Detective Norris once more.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Karen goes to search for the peddler who sold her the doll. But he's not going to say where he got it from unless she gives him something in return.**

 _ **Peddler: What will you give me if I tell you?**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: I don't have much, but you're welcome to whatever I have.**_

 **(The peddler grabs a dollar from out of Karen's purse and throws it)**

 _ **Peddler: It's not enough. What else you got?**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: That's all I've got.**_

 _ **Peddler: All you got?**_

"Oookay, this movie is definitely getting creepy because I thought I was going to watch a Brazzers video with Riley Reid in it." Sean said, looking a bit creeped out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But before the peddler could force himself onto Karen, Detective Norris steps in to stop the party.**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: All right. Now, you want to answer the lady's question now? Where did you get the doll from?**_

 _ **Peddler: I don't know nothing about no doll.**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: You're not gonna know nothing about nothing in a minute, unless you talk to me. Now talk!**_

"Don't make me make you eat this bullet, you pig!" Sean exclaimed while pointing his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The peddler tells Detective Norris that he got the doll from a burned-out toy store, which the news upsets the detective. So Karen decides to check out the toy store but Mike tells her that there's nothing there.**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: Why don't you believe me? It was struck by lightning the night Charles Lee Ray died.**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: How do you know that?**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris Because I was there. I was the man who killed him.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Return of the Jedi**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Alec Guiness): So what I told you was true from a certain point of view.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Karen wants to check out where Charles Lee Ray's apartment but Detective Norris tells her where he lives and him and Karen split so he can have a pleasant drive home. Except for one minor detail. It involves a killer doll possessed by the spirit of a serial killer tying some loose ends. So, Chucky tries to choke the motherfucker with some wires but luckily Detective Skellington uses his cigarette lighter to burn his face. And it becomes one wild ride for the detective.**

 **(Chucky starts stabbing at the driver's seat with a knife repeatedly while Detective Norris, who's avoiding the knife, drives faster)**

"Yeah, try driving faster. That'll help you get away from the crazy backseat driver." Sean said.

 **(Chucky stabs the seat, the knife misses Mike's groin as he screams)**

"Geez, it's not every day that you see a killer doll trying to castrate a man." Sean said, looking in surprise.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After living out the psychotic version of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Chucky tries to kill Detective Norris and just messes with him for a bit until...**

 **(Chucky gets ready to kill Mike, but he manages to shoot Chucky. Mike gets ready to shoot Chucky but the killer doll manages to escape as Mike opens fire. He then sighs after he couldn't believe what he just saw)**

"I think that crazy lady with that crazy son might be right about the doll. Boy, I need a drink." Sean said, imitating Detective Norris.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Karen heads down to Charles Lee Ray's apartment to see if she could find any clues and she comes across a wall painting of a voodoo witch doctor. Probably Dr. Facilier from** _ **The Princess and the Frog**_ **. Then, Detective Norris arrives to jump scare her. He tells her that he was good friends with a voodoo witch doctor named John Bishop a.k.a. Dr. Death, played by Raymond Oliver. Then, Chucky goes to see his friend to show him his new body and to tell him that he could feel pain and here's the reason why.**

 _ **Dr. Death (Played by Raymond Oliver): You're turning human.**_

 _ **Chucky: What?**_

 _ **Dr. Death: The more time you spend in that body, the more human you'll become.**_

 _ **Chucky: You mean I have to live out the rest of my life in this body? No fucking way. You got me into this, you get me out.**_

 _ **Dr. Death: I can't do that, Chucky.**_

 _ **Chucky: Why not?**_

 _ **Dr. Death: Because you're an abomination, an outrage against nature. You perverted everything I've taught you and used it for evil. And you have to be stopped.**_

Sean: (Narrating) After realizing that teaching black magic to the guy is a bad idea, Chucky finds a voodoo doll that lying around for some reason and decides to give John a break.

(Chucky a leg on the voodoo doll before John's leg snaps)

"Great job, dude. You left a voodoo doll around for someone to get their hands on it. You're not that bright." Sean said.

 _ **Chucky: Now, how do I get out of this body?**_

 _ **Dr. Death: No, I won't tell you.**_

 _ **Chucky: Yeah?**_

 **(A Nestle's Crunch commercial starts playing)**

 _ **Boy: (Sings) That's why I looooooove Nestle Crunch!**_

 **(The boy takes a bite of the Nestle Crunch before cut back to the movie as we see John's arm snaps)**

"Ah, voodoo blackmail." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Death tells Chucky in order to get out of the body that he's in, he has to transfer his soul to the first person he revealed his true self to, and that person is Andy.**

 _ **Chucky: You mean the first person I let in on the fact that I was really alive? (Laughs) I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. The first person I let in on my little secret was a six-year-old kid. I'm gonna be six years old again.**_

"I know. It sounds pretty crazy. And weird." Sean said.

 _ **Chucky: Well, John, it's been fun, but I gotta go. I've got a date with a six-year-old boy.**_

Sean spits out his lemonade iced tea after he hears the line. "What the hell?

"Seriously, Brad?" Brian asked.

"And this is coming from an Oscar-winner." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Chucky fatally wounds John by stabbing the voodoo doll before Karen and Detective Norris arrive. As they arrive on the scene, they find Dr. Death lying on the floor bleeding and getting ready to join his friends on the other side. Before he dies, he tells Karen the only way to save Andy is to shoot Chucky in the heart because his heart is almost human. Meanwhile, Andy fears for his life when Chucky arrives to kill him. With luck, the killer doll arrives at Andy's room, only to find that he's not in bed. So, Andy runs for his life and hides in the operating room, only to be caught by Dr. Ardmore, who attempts to sedate him.**

 **(Chucky stabs Dr. Ardmore in the leg with the scalpel. Dr. Ardmore falls to the floor as Chucky begins to shock him with the electroshock machine, we see his face getting burnt)**

"No, no, no. We're not making electric puns here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Andy heads home to hide from Chucky as the killer doll goes after him and he manages to knock him out.**

 _ **Chucky: Batter up!**_

 **(Chucky strikes Andy in the back of the head, knocking him out as the song "Centerfield" by John Fogerty starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) He gets ready to possess Andy, but Karen manages to stop the ritual just in time, only for Detective Skellington to hunt him down.**

 **(Chucky appears with a baseball bat and hits Mike in the gut, then strikes him in the head to knock him out)**

"Useless. Character. Ever." Sean said.

 **(Chucky gets ready to kill Mike but Karen shoots him in the leg. Chucky gets back up as Karen tries to shoot him, but the gun gets jammed)**

 _ **Chucky: What's wrong? Gun jammed?**_

"Well, she is holding a Beretta Model 70, those things tend to jam at the wrong time." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Chucky tries to attack Karen, but she manages to throw him in the fireplace and tries to keep him in there with Andy just watching and wondering why is his doll attacking mommy and then he says oh, yeah. The doll is possessed by the spirit of a serial killer. So, Andy grabs the match and strikes it.**

"And then we get one of the greatest lines ever in movie history." Sean said.

 _ **Chucky: Andy, no, please.**_

 **(Andy strikes the match)**

 _ **Chucky: We're friends to the end. Remember?**_

 _ **Andy: This is the end, friend.**_

"Man, this line is along the most bad-ass line heard from a kid. We have other bad-ass lines like these two." Sean pointed out.

 **(A clip from** _ **Leprechaun**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Alex (Played by Robert Hy Gorman): Fuck you, Lucky Charms.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **The Monster Squad**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Horace (Played by the late Brent Chalem): My name is Horace.**_

 **(Horace racks the shotgun back)**

"Best. Line. Ever." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So Andy, burns Chucky to a crisp. Therefore, Chucky is dead.**

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: What happened?**_

 _ **Karen Barclay: Oh, my God. Chucky's dead.**_

"Oh, that's good. Because the last ten minutes would be a waste of our time. Well, that was _Child's Play_ and..." Sean said.

 **(Andy quickly runs down the hallway before he is tripped by the foot of Chucky. After falling to the floor, Andy turns and sees the charred remains of Chucky, who holds the knife in one hand)**

 **(A sound clip from** _ **GoldenEye**_ **plays as Chucky is revealed)**

 _ **Boris Grishenko (Played by Alan Cumming): I AM INVINCIBLE!**_

 _ **Chucky: Hello, Andy.**_

"Goddamn it." Sean said. "Well, time for Plan B."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Plan B involves shooting the fuck out of him by shooting off his head, then shooting off his arm and then shooting his leg off before his body falls to the floor and finishing him off by popping him full of lead.**

 **(Karen stands above Chucky and guns him down repeatedly)**

"Uh, I think he's dead now." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Mike's partner Jack, played by Tommy Swerdlow, arrives at the apartment and calls an ambulance for him, then Mike tells Jack that Andy was right about the doll but Jack doesn't believe him. So, Mike tells him to check it out and warns him not to touch anything and this is a horror film and you know the routine, have a character that doesn't listen do something stupid, like picking up Chucky's burned head.**

 _ **Jack Santos (Played by Tommy Swerdlow): Okay, Mike. I'd like you to take a look at this thing, okay? Because there's no way this thing's alive.**_

 _ **Detective Mike Norris: I thought I told you not to touch it.**_

"Dude, he said not to touch it. And look what you did. Why couldn't you just listen..." Sean said.

 **(Chucky's body suddenly appears from an air shaft beside Jack's head and starts strangling him, scaring the others)**

"You stupid, dumb son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, yeah, What was it that Dr. Death say about how to kill Chucky right before he kicked the bucket? Oh, yeah. I remember, SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING HEART!**

 **Karen Barclay: (To Mike) Shoot him in the heart!**

Sean rolls his eyes and slaps his forehead for the pure stupidity that is happening. "What did I say? What did I fucking just say? Stupid!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Detective Norris manages to shoot Chucky in the heart, therefore killing him. Finally, Chucky is dead and he'll never come back to life, ever again**

 **.**

 **(Posters for** _ **Child's Play 2, Child's Play 3, Bride of Chucky, Seed of Chucky, Curse of Chucky**_ **and** _ **Cult of Chucky**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating and coughs) Oh, bullshit! You don't come back from the dead repeatedly. Anyway, happy ending! Chucky is dead, at least until we see him again in** _ **Child's Play 2**_ **, and all four survive. Mike and his idiot partner have some paperwork to fill out, Catherine Hicks moves on to** _ **7th Heaven**_ **and as for Andy, he'll never be the same again from having a killer doll trying to steal his soul.**

 **"And that was** _ **Child's Play**_ **and yeah, it's one hell of a ride." Sean said.**

 **(Clips from the movie are shown again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I can see how people are creeped out at the film. Even though it's pretty goofy and over the top, I find this film to be scary and watching it again, it still creeped me out. The effects were pretty good except for when Chucky is walking, you can clearly see that it's a person in a suit. As for the acting, Catherine Hicks and Alex Vincent were fantastic. Hicks played the role of a mother who's loving, caring and scared and Vincent plays a great kid who's wrapped in a dangerous situation. But big props to Brad Dourif, he's so good in this as Chucky. I haven't seen the remake with Mark Hamill as the voice of Chucky, I'm sure that he's good but Brad Dourif owns this character. Aside from pacing issues and some of the effects looking dated, the movie relies on suspense and is pretty damn scary. It did a good job scaring me when I was young.** _ **Child's Play**_ **comes in at 4 killer dolls on fire out of 5.**

"Well, that is it for today and don't worry, there will be more films for me to review as _Halloween Havoc_ continues. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you..." Sean said as he hears a knock on his door. "What the? Who's at my door?"

Sean gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the door as he unlocks it and opens it. The young critic looks down at the floor mat only to find a box. He picks it up and closes the door behind him, then walks over to the couch in his living room to sit the box down.

"I wonder what's in the box." Sean said to himself.

He begins to open the box, only to find a Gabby Gabby doll.

"What the? A Gabby Gabby doll?" Sean asked as he looks at the doll.

We then cut back to the outside of Sean's house as we we Sean throwing the doll out on his yard.

"Not today, you crazy doll! That's for taking Woody's voice box!" Sean yelled out as he closed the door.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **I've got a date with a six-year-old boy.**_

 **And that was it for the** _ **Child's Play**_ **review for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. I hope you all enjoyed it. I will get a chance to watch the remake and probably review it, I'm sure that Mark Hamill will play the best Chucky. Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, the 2** **nd** **annual** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **continues as Sean reviews** _ **Psycho III**_ **to see if Anthony Perkins' directorial debut was a home run or a swing and a miss. Or maybe his directorial debut was a home run and the movie was a swing and a miss. Don't forget to review the story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review any of the movies that were on the list for** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **, feel free to let me know. Here are the movies for** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **:**

 _ **Psycho III**_

 _ **Scream**_

 _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_

 _ **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**_

 **Stephen King's It (the 1990 miniseries)**

 **I'll see you guys next time for more** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers**


	74. Episode 70: Psycho III

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Today, Sean continues** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **when he reviews the third entry in the** _ **Psycho**_ **film series,** _ **Psycho III**_ **and this time, the film is directed by Norman Bates himself Anthony Perkins. Here it is, folks. Sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Psycho III**_ **is owned by Universal Pictures.**

 **Episode Seventy**

 **Psycho III**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc 2**_ **intro plays in the form of the Stranger Things intro while a Stranger Things-like theme music starts playing)**

We open with our favorite residential critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting in his living room wearing a pumpkin-printed baseball cap and a Jack Skellington shirt.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to Halloween Havoc." Sean said then starts his evil laugh while creepy organ music plays and we hear the sound of the castle thunder sound effect from cartoons in the background. "You all know about Hitchcock's movie _Psycho_ , right?"

 **(Clips from Alfred Hitchcock's** _ **Psycho**_ **are shown while Bernard Hermann's music score starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you know the story of a seemingly-innocent man who runs a motel out in the middle of nowhere and he has some mommy issues by dressing up as his mother and you know…**

 **(A clip of "Mother" stabs and kills Marion in the shower)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) …yeah, that happened. The movie had one of the greatest plot twists ever and a creepy-as-hell ending and it is still regarded as one of the most iconic movies of all time and one of Alfred Hitchcock's finest movies ever.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Psycho II**_ **is shown, followed by clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, some genius at Universal Studios thought it would be an excellent idea to make a sequel to** _ **Psycho**_ **. And by God, it's the best sequel ever.** _ **Psycho II**_ **was released in theaters in 1983. The movie took place 22 years after the events of the first film and it focused on Norman Bates adjusting to life after "Mother", but then his past comes back to haunt him when someone is playing mind games on him. Anyway, I've enjoyed** _ **Psycho II**_ **and I found it to be better than the original.**

 **(The poster for** _ **Psycho III**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, three years later Anthony Perkins took the director's chair to bring us** _ **Psycho III**_ **. And just like the first two films that make people afraid to take a shower…**

"…people went to a bar after the movie ended to drink and to figure out what the fuck did they just watch." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for "Psycho III" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while Carter Burwell's music score plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This is a strange little sequel that was brought up. It has some good ideas and some scary moments and some brutal death scenes. And then you have scenes that are too ridiculous and silly. This has our main star of the movie (a picture of Anthony Perkins is shown) who also directed the movie and it was written by the same guy who brought us a movie where Jeff Goldblum mutates into a fly and a movie where a dragon is voiced by Sean Connery. (A picture of the film's writer, Charles Edward Pogue, is shown with the posters for the 1986 remake of** _ **The Fly**_ **and** _ **Dragonheart**_ **)**

"Hey, I'm sure that we're in good hands. So, let's return to Bates Motel for a third time, this is _Psycho III_." Sean said.

 **(The movie begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So the movie begins with…**

 _ **Maureen Coyle (Played by Diana Scarwid): There is no God!**_

"Every non-believers reaction to the _God's Not Dead_ movies." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see a disgraced nun named Maureen Coyle, played by Diana Scarwid, getting ready to kill herself by jumping off a bell tower because… I don't know! She's spouting out some crap about there is no God. What did she do? Did she sin or did she have cravings for the flesh? We don't give a shit, so let's just say that she's emo. Anyway, I do love this nod to another one of my favorite Hitchcock movies of all time.**

 **(The theme music for** _ **North by Northwest**_ **plays while Maureen is standing on the bell tower and we get an aerial shot of the ground)**

"Close. I'm talking about _Vertigo_. That shot was a nod to _Vertigo_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The other nuns try to talk Maureen out of jumping but Maureen ends up accidentally causes one of the nuns to fall to her death.**

 _ **Nun (Played by Diane Rodriguez): (To Maureen) Wasn't your own sin great enough? You'll burn in hell for this. You'll burn in hell!**_

"Oh, come on. It's not her fault that you crazy penguins wouldn't let her have any dick. She just did you guys a favor and wanted to see if one of you could fly." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While hitchiking, Maureen gets picked up by a sleazy musician by the name of Duane Duke, played by the Lawnmower Man himself Jeff Fahey.**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Lawnmower Man**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jobe (Played by Jeff Fahey): I am God here!**_

 _ **Duane Duke (Played by Jeff Fahey): Name's Duane, by the way. Duane Duke. Friends just call me Duke.**_

 **(Maureen puts her suitcase in the backseat and accidentally hits Duke's guitar)**

 _ **Duane Duke: Hey, watch the guitar!**_

 _ **Maureen Coyle: I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Duane Duke: No harm done.**_

"And this is the deal with Duke, he loves his guitar and he doesn't like it when people try to mess up his guitar." Sean said.

 _ **Duane Duke: That's my bread and butter.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) As they're riding in the rain, Duke decides to stop and rest and with Maureen being in the car with him, he'd figure that he'd get to take a peek underneath Maureen's skirt and...**

 **(Duke kisses the back of Maureen's neck)**

 _ **Maureen Coyle: Why did you do that?**_

 _ **Duane Duke: Why didn't you stop me?**_

"Uh, does this guy even know that she's a nun and that she's sinned for the flesh?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Duke's not going to take no for an answer as he tries to force himself on Maureen, but Maureen manages to give the sleazebag a good slap in the face and gets the out of his car, only for Duke to throw her suitcase out in the rain.**

 _ **Duane Duke: Stupid bitch. You could've been comin' instead of goin'.**_

"Boy, what a gentlemen. He sure has his way with women." Sean said.

 **(We cut to Bates Motel)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Bates Motel. God, finally. I thought we were going to be stuck with these two idiots. We're finally introduced to Norman Bates, once again played brilliantly by the late Anthony Perkins, we find him poisoning some birds so he can stuff them and watch what he does with the spoon that he's stuffing the birds with.**

 **(Norman stuffs the dead bird with a spoon. He then uses the same spoon that he stuffed the bird with and sticks it in a jar of peanut butter, then scoops some peanut butter onto the spoon and spreads it on a cracker)**

"Ooookay. That's our Norman. While he's not killing people, he's stuffing dead birds and eating peanut butter off of the spoon that he's stuffing the birds with." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see an article in a newspaper letting us know that Emma Spool, you know that nice old lady who told Norman that she's his real mother back in Psycho II. If you don't remember what happened to Ms. Spool, maybe this clip will show you.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Psycho II**_ **is shown in black and white)**

 _ **Quick Draw McGraw: (V/O) El Kabong!**_

 **(Norman strikes Emma in the back of the head with a shovel while a cartoony sound effect plays)**

 **(We see that Norman is sewing the bird's stomach, but instead of a bird, we see a hand. Norman gasps in shock but we see the bird. Next, we see something in a brown paper bag move as Norman looks in shock)**

"Oh, my God. Please tell me that it isn't a heart in that bag." Sean said.

 **(We see a bird that's still alive pop out of the bag as Norman sighs in relief and smiles)**

"Oh, thank God. Boy, this movie is going to make me crazy like Norman." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Duke arrives at Bates Motel for a place to stay for a couple of days, then Norman offers him the job of assistant motel manager. Oh, I'm sure it'll work out just fine for him. Remember what happened to the last guy who worked at the motel?**

 **(Another clip from** _ **Psycho II**_ **is shown. This time, we see "Mother" slashing Warren Toomey in the face, then stabs him to death)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Well, I can pay you $5 an hour, Duke. You'd work the desk, clean rooms, make beds, empty trash, that sort of thing.**_

 _ **Duane Duke: I'm not looking for anything long term, I just wanna make enough bucks to get the brakes on my car fixed, and build up a little stake for LA. I'm a singer. But I wouldn't mind fillin' in until you found somebody permanent. I just won't be staying around too long.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: No one ever does.**_

"Okay, that needs a sinister laugh and some lighting added to it after that line." Sean said.

 _ **Norman Bates: No one ever does.**_

We see Sean doing a sinister laugh while lightning strikes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Statler's Cafe, where we see Ralph Statler and Sheriff John Hunt, once again played by Robert Alan Browne and Hugh Gillin respectively, are busy talking about the disappearance of Emma Spool until a hotshot journalist by the name of Tracy Venable, played by Roberta Maxwell, butts in on their conversation when she mentions Norman.**

 _ **Sheriff John Hunt (Played by the late Hugh Gillin): (To Tracy) Just what's your interest, anyway?**_

 _ **Tracy Venable (Played by Roberta Maxwell): I drove all the way from LA to see him.**_

 _ **Sheriff John Hunt: What about? You another relative of somebody he killed?**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: I don't think that's any business of yours, Sheriff.**_

 _ **Sheriff John Hunt: The peace of this community is my business, young lady.**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: But until I've broken some law, lay off the third degree, huh.**_

"Oh, boy. Is she going to be this movie's Lila Loomis? Because she's starting to annoy me already." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Statler and Hunt tell Tracy to leave him alone, but then Norman arrives at the diner as Tracy goes to ask him some questions because she's doing an article about serial killers being put back on the streets. While she's talking to him, the past comes back to haunt Norman when Maureen enters the diner and notices the initials "M.C." on her suitcase.**

 **(Norman gets startled when he sees Maureen. We see Marion Crane's murder from Psycho playing as Norman notices Maureen)**

"Turns out that Maureen resembles Marion Crane, one of Norman Bates' victims. It's either that or the fact that Diana Scarwid won a Razzie Award for her performance as Christina Crawford in _Mommie Dearest_." Sean said. "You know, now that I mentioned _Mommie Dearest_ , I'm pretty sure that the movie is a friggin' comedy."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman panics as he heads back to the house to play the piano while Duke is at the front desk and he recognizes Maureen and he gives her a room. Then Norman learns that Duke gave her Cabin #1. Anyway, Norman tells his mother that he saw the woman that resembles Marion Crane and his mother wants him to kill her.**

"Here we go again." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Maureen is getting settled into her motel room and while she does that, she begins to notice the Holy Bible that's sitting on the end table, which causes her to have PTSD flashbacks to her time as a nun. We then cut to Duke, who heads to a bar to get himself something to drink and he sees that reporter lady Tracy Venable sitting at a bar with a drink and he tries to put the moves on her.**

 _ **Duane Duke: You don't have to call me Duane if you don't like.**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: I don't have to call you at all.**_

 _ **Duane Duke: Friends call me Duke.**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: I had a dog named Duke once.**_

 _ **Duane Duke: Really? Well, scratch my belly, my leg will shake.**_ **(Laughs)**

 _ **Tracy Venable: I hated the mutt.**_

 **(Duke laughs)**

"Let me guess, she had the dog shot? Or was it because the dog was an annoying pain in the ass like him?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Duke hands Tracy the matches until she notices that he's staying at the Bates Motel but Duke tells her that he's working there. Back with Norman, he has himself a case of voyeurism when he decides to go back to his old ways by spying on Maureen, who's busy taking her clothes off so she can take a shower.**

"Oh, dear. How long until Norman loses it? Because this is going to be a short movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, "Mother" decides to go in there and do the job and right when she's about to stab Maureen to death, she finds the disgraced nun sitting in the tub and...**

 **("Mother" pulls the shower curtains open, only to see Maureen sitting in the tub, the water is blood red. Then, we see a razor blade with blood on it, revealing that she slit her wrists)**

"Jesus!" Sean said with a shocked expression on his face. "Babe, I know that being a nun and staying away from the Vitamin D was hard but pulling a Hannah Baker on yourself... yeah, that's going too far. But still! God won't be happy with what you're doing."

 **(Maureen hallucinates and sees "Mother" holding a knife, mistaking her for Virgin Mary holding the crucifix)**

 _ **Maureen Coyle: Forgive me.**_

"Hannah Baker never hallucinated when she saw her mother as the Virgin Mary due to blood loss" Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Norman saves Maureen's life by taking her to the hospital and then Norman goes to see her.**

 _ **Maureen Coyle: (To Norman) My name's Maureen. (Sighs) I just wanted to thank you for what you did.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: Well, I can't have that sort of thing going on in my motel. Gives the place a bad name.**_

"It's all downhill from here." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman offers Maureen to stay at the motel for as long as she likes because reminds him of someone that he knew once. Yeah, someone that he killed.**

 _ **Maureen Coyle: But you don't know me. After the way you found me, you must think I've gone mad.**_

 _ **Norman Bates: No, no. We all go a little mad sometimes.**_

 **(A clip from Alfred Hitchcock's** _ **Psycho**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Norman Bates: We all go a little mad sometimes.**_

"Yeah, I know. A little nod to _Psycho_. We get it, movie. You want to be better than the original." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to...**

 **(We see a woman named Red, played by Juliette Cummins, covering her nude body with the bed sheets before we cut to Duke, who's seen sitting on the chair nude waving two lamps around and one of the lamps is covering his penis)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What... the... fuck?**

"I'm sorry, did we just stumble onto David Lynch's _Lost Highway_ or am I watching a really weird porn?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Originally, Anthony Perkins wanted Jeff Fahey to be completely nude in this little foreplay scene between Red and Duke, but Fahey felt too uncomfortable about being nude on camera, so the two lamps were used to partially cover him up.**

"I'm glad that they did that because I do not want to sit here and see Duke's guitar being shown." Sean said. "That would be really bad."

 **(Red accidentally hits Duke's guitar)**

 _ **Duane Duke: Hey. Watch the guitar.**_

"The guitar is my baby, so let's fuck." Sean said, imitating Duke.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, this nude hottie that Duke picked up from a bar is named Red, played by Juliette Cummins, who you might recognize her as Sheila from** _ **Slumber Party Massacre II**_ **and as Robin from** _ **Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning**_ **.**

"Seriously, is there anything else that this chick has done besides horror?" Sean asked as a poster for the 1988 movie _Deadly Dreams_ is shown as the young critic turns to his left and notices the poster before looking at the camera. "I hate you."

 _ **Red (Played by Juliette Cummins): Oh, God, don't tell me you're one of those guys who farts, rolls over, and then goes to sleep.**_

"Hey, that's not true! Okay, maybe sometimes." Sean said.

 _ **Duane Duke: I picked you up in a bar after one lousy drink. What, do you wanna get married?**_

 _ **Red: You shitheel.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Duke, being the gentleman that he is, kicks Red out so she can call herself a cab. Okay, knowing that this is a horror movie, I'm sure that something bad is going to happen to her and...**

 **(Red, who's in a phone booth, takes off her sweater, her bare breasts are shown but are censored with smiley faces)**

"Damn! Yeah, this is definitely a slasher in the 80s because you have an extremely hot chick getting naked." Sean said. "But then I realize that she is going to get killed in three... two... one."

 **("Mother" breaks the glass on the phone booth door, opening it up and begins to stab Red to death)**

"And the body count has started." Sean said with a smile on his face. "Well, it already started with Maureen killing that nun in the beginning of the movie, so yeah. That makes it two."

 _ **Norman Bates: (To Mother) Mother. Oh, God, Mother. Blood. Blood!**_

"And another reference to _Psycho_. Are you going to keep referencing crap from the original movie?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Norman picks up Maureen from the hospital as he invites her to stay at his motel and when they come back, they find that a group of high schoolers arrive at the motel. These high school teens are staying at the motel because of the big homecoming game going on.**

"Hmm, a bunch of drunk and horny teens staying at the motel. Oh, yeah. I'm sure that they've signed their death warrants. They're pretty much dead." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman finds Tracy getting ready to snoop around at his house, but then he tells her never come back to the motel again. In that case, she does some more snooping when she checks out Mrs. Spool's apartment, only to find a number written on the magazine. So, our intrepid reporter calls up the number, only for Norman to answer. Geez, how persistent is that lady. If she keeps snooping too much, this is going to happen to her.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Psycho II**_ **is shown as we see "Mother" killing Lila Loomis by stabbing her in the mouth)**

"I know, I know. I keep referencing two good Psycho movies. I'm so sorry. It's just that this one sucks." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see Norman and Maureen out on a date together and the two are starting to hit it off just fine and as they head back to the motel we see that the high school teens are drunk. Oh, we'll get back to them, let's get back to Norman and Maureen as we see...**

 **(Norman and Maureen kiss and they start making out on the bed)**

"Immediately, she starts falling in love for him. Why? Does she even know who he is?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, they didn't do the deed. Yet. So, they just fall asleep until Maureen wakes up only to find that Norman is not in the room with him but one of the sober guests named Patsy, played by Katt Shea Ruben, lets her know that her door was left open. Well, that's nice of the director of** _ **Poison Ivy**_ **and** _ **The Rage: Carrie 2**_ **to let he know. That's a responsible teen. Oh, wait. She was born in 1957. I've checked her IMDB page.**

 **(Katt Shea's IMDB page is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, "Mother" is ticked off at Norman for Maureen coming between her and Norman, But then Maureen comes to check on Norman to see if he's alright, so Norman tells her that he's not feeling to well and to go away. The reason why he said that because he didn't want "Mother" to kill her or for Norman to kill her. Meanwhile, Patsy goes to pay the water bill until an unexpected visitor comes in and interrupts her.**

 _ **Patsy (Played by Katt Shea Ruben): Hey, where'd you come from? Geez, you about scared the piss out of me.**_

"You took the words right out of her mouth." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, "Mother" kills the living shit out of her with the most brutal kill in the entire movie. God, let's hope that she flushed.**

 **(A comedic rimshot is heard)**

"Hey, I got a few more toilet jokes." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Norman goes to Duke's room, only to find Patsy's body there, so he does the only sensible thing in this movie by hiding her dead body in the ice machine. So, the next morning, Deputy Hunt and Deputy Leo arrive to ask Norman about Patsy, who they say that she's missing. So, they search the house, only to not find anything.**

 _ **Tracy Venable: That's not good enough, Sheriff. You just can't let it lie.**_

 _ **Sheriff John Hunt: I've had enough of this Nancy Drew horseshit from you!**_

 **(Sheriff Hunt opens the ice machine)**

 _ **Sheriff John Hunt: I'm letting it lie and so are you, you understand?**_

 **(He takes some ice out of the ice machine and we see Patsy's hand)**

"World's dumbest sheriff ever!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Are you meaning to tell me that this dude is not smart enough to taste blood on an ice cube? Come on! You have to find a body in there, who do you think you are Chief Wiggum?**

"Stupid!" Sean points at the camera.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Maureen tells Sheriff Hunt that Norman was with her and he had nothing to do with Patsy's disappearance. After the world's dumbest cops leave, Maureen packs up and leaves the motel, mostly because of Tracy's big mouth when she told her about Norman.**

"You know, lady. That big mouth of yours is going to get you killed." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Norman heads back to the house to find his Mother, but he finds a note from her for him to meet her in Cabin 12, so he heads over there to find Mother but she's not alone because we learn that Duke was the one who took Mother.**

"That bastard." Sean said.

 _ **Duane Duke: You did a nice job on her, Norman. Fresh as the day she was croaked.**_

 **(Duke kisses Mother's cheek)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Why?**_

"Norman, the reason why he doing this is because the motherfucker wants money to keep him quiet. Yeah, that's right. The money, the Benjamins, the bacon, the big bucks, the cheddar, the clams, the CREAM, the dead presidents, the doubloons, the loot, the moola, payola, the paper. That's what he wants, buddy." Sean said.

 _ **Norman Bates: I don't have that kind of money.**_

"Well, if you don't have that kind of money, couldn't you just kill him? That's one way to shut his ass up. Just fuckin' kill him!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Norman Bates: Please, Duke. I want my mother back.**_

 _ **Duane Duke: Take her. You know what I want. And you know what I'll do if I don't get it.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Dragon Ball Z**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Vegeta (Voiced by Christopher Sabat): Kill him!**_

 **(Norman throws an ashtray at Duke's head, hitting him with it)**

"Thank you." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Norman and Duke start fighting while** _ **Woody Woodpecker**_ **is playing on the television until Norman decides to finish him off with a conveniently placed musical instrument.**

 **(Norman grabs Duke's guitar and hits him with it)**

 _ **Duane Duke: Watch the guitar.**_

 **(Norman hits Duke several times with the guitar until it breaks)**

"Yeah, I've heard of rock stars smashing their instruments, but…" Sean began.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Mother drives Norman to the brink of insanity**

 **(We hear Woody Woodpecker laughing)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Don't laugh at me, Mother. Don't laugh at me.**_

"That's it! Norman's lost his mind! Let's all go crazy with him!" Sean exclaimed as he goes crazy while the song _Flagpole Sitta_ by Harvey Danger starts playing in the background while clips from _Psycho 1-3_ start playing. The song ends as we see Sean calming down for a bit. "Sorry for that brief mental breakdown. The movie drove me to the brink of insanity. Now, back to our regularly scheduled review."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Tracy goes to speak with Statler and Myrna, played by Lee Garlington, about Mrs. Spool and she learned that Mrs. Spool was working at the diner before Statler bought it from the diner's former owner Harvey Leach, played by the late Hugo Stanger. And it turns out that Harvey Leach has been living in a nursing home outside town, so Tracy goes to talk to him about Emma Spool.**

 _ **Harvey Leach (Played by the late Hugo Stanger): I-I had a woman named Spool who used to work for me.**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: Yes?**_

 _ **Harvey Leach: A waitress, she was. She come from that place.**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: Place?**_

 _ **Harvey Leach: Y-You know, that-that place for nuts? The-the sy-sylum?**_

 _ **Tracy Venable: Mrs. Spool was in an asylum?**_

 _ **Harvey Leach: Asylum. That's it, asylum. Yeah. Yeah. You know, she killed somebody.**_

"Because really, you would've thought to have check their resume to see if there's anything wrong with that person and you see that they've been in the nuthouse for killing somebody. If I was the owner of a company and somebody wants to work with me, here's what I would've done." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as a video store clerk) So, Mrs. Cunningham, I've read your resume. Looks like everything looks good, except for one thing.**

 **Sherry: (as Mrs. Cunningham) Yes?**

 **Sean: Well, I've read something on the bottom written in red, saying that you've been in an asylum.**

 **Sherry: Why, yes.**

 **Sean: What was that reason?**

 **Sherry: I killed my sister and her husband and I took their child with me. I sure do hope that I get this job because it would be pretty bad if I didn't get it.**

 **(Sherry pulls out a kitchen knife while Sean looks a bit scared)**

 **Sean: I'll... uh... I'll let you know in a couple of days.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Maureen is having second thought because she wants to go back to Norman because he understands forgiveness. Oh, really?**

 _ **Maureen Coyle: That was why Mary came to me that night he saved my life. It was a sign. And the woman in the window. That must have been Mary, too.**_

"Okay, you know what, you two nutjobs deserve each other. Why don't you run into each others arms, get married and have a bunch of psycho children and live happily ever after, goddamn it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Norman, we see him trying to get rid of the bodies of Duke and Patsy by dumping them in the swamp, that is until Duke rises back from the dead and tries to kill Norman, then Norman drives into the swamp where he got rid of his victims' bodies until adding two more to the swamp. After he drowns Duke, Norman manages to get out of the swamp after bumping into Red's corpse.**

"Well, at least Norman won't be joining with the dead bodies that he put in there. Damn." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Maureen returns to Bates Motel to speak to Norman after she convinces herself that Norman is her true love and just when they share a tender moment with each other, this happens.**

 _ **Mother (Voiced by the late Virginia Gregg): Norman!**_

 **(Norman gets startled by Mother's voice, causing him to lose grip on Maureen's hands, causing her to fall down the stairs and get impaled in the back of the head by the cupid statue)**

 _ **Norman Bates: Maureen!**_

 _ **Nelson Muntz: (Sound Clip) Ha-ha!**_

"Hey, this movie can prove to you that love can be deadly." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Norman gives his epic "Mother" yell for the movie and the trailer, he gets pissed off at his mother and he promises that he will get her for this. Then, all of a sudden, Tracy arrives as the motel and she enters the house only to find Maureen's corpse and...**

 **(Tracy turns around and sees Norman dressed as "Mother")**

 _ **Norman Bates: (as Mother) Why can't you leave my poor son, my Norman, alone?**_

"Well, it's about time Norman lost his marbles. And we get to see that bitch reporter die." Sean said with a smile on his face. "This is going to get good."

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the most confusing yet idiotic reveal of the movie.**

 _ **Tracy Venable: What set you off again, Norman? Mrs. Spool? You killed her, didn't you? What did she do? Come to you and tell you that she was your mother? She was crazy, Norman, but she wasn't your mother. Neither are you!/Mrs. Spool was your aunt, Norman. She was in love with your father. But your mother stole him away from her!**_

"What?" Sean asked, looking confused.

 _ **Tracy Venable: Emma Spool killed your father in a jealous rage...**_

"Huh?" Sean was still confused by the twist.

 _ **Tracy Venable: ...and kidnapped you when you were just a baby.**_

We cut back to Sean, who continues to look confused.

 **(Tracy turns around and sees Mrs. Spool's corpse and screams)**

 _ **Tracy Venable: She killed him, your father, because she thought you were her child!**_

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Sean asked.

 _ **Tracy Venable: The child she should have had with him!**_

Sean sighs a bit , then scratches his head before saying a word. "You know, that is by far the dumbest plot twist I've ever heard in my life and also the most confusing. I've watched this movie like twenty times and I still don't know what fuck it is. I'm just glad that whole Emma Spool thing is forgotten in _Psycho IV: The Beginning_."

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, just when you think that Norman is about kill Tracy, he goes after "Mother" and stabs her to death. So, I guess she's more deader and I like this character arc for Norman. In the first film, Norman was stopped by others. In the second film, he got away with being psycho because they thought it was somebody else. And now in the third film, he turns on "Mother". Therefore, bittersweet ending! Mother is deader than shit and Norman is arrested, but hey, I can't end this review without showing this creepy bit that still freaks me out to this day.**

 **(Norman pulls out the severed hand of Mrs. Spool, caressing it as he looks at the camera with a sinister smile on his face)**

"And you get a callback to the ending of the original _Psycho_ just to piss people off." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie play again as Sean speaks)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie had some neat ideas but the film turned out to be pretty goofy. I guess this is what Anthony Perkins and Charles Edward Pogue wanted this movie to be a dark comedy. Anthony Perkins was excellent as always as Norman Bates and for his first time in the director's chair, he did a pretty good job at directing the movie.** **I know that Perkins directed another movie, which was called** _ **Lucky Stiff**_ **back in 1988. Hmm,** _ **Lucky Stiff**_ **? That sounds like a porno. But anyway, Perkins gives out some images that pay homage to Hitchcock. The performances of the entire cast did an excellent job. I loved the chemistry between Anthony Perkins and Diana Scarwid's characters and Jeff Fahey did an awesome job playing Duane Duke, he played a character that you would love to hate. The movie is not as good as the first two but I still had a lot of fun watching it because it has some great suspense yet the movie has an ending that didn't deliver. I tend to watch it when I'm marathoning the movie, except for the shitty Gus Van Sant remake. Skip that one and don't be expecting a review of the movie from me anytime.** _ **Psycho III**_ **comes in at three guitars getting bashed out of five.**

"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and when Halloween Haunt III comes next year, I'm reviewing _Psycho IV_. Gotta keep the tradition alive. Also, remember... watch the guitar." Sean said before leaving the living room.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Watch the guitar.**_

 **Well, that's two movies down for** _ **Halloween Havoc II**_ **, only four movies left. Now, I did say that the final film on the list was the 1990 miniseries** _ **Stephen King's It**_ **, but then there was the 1972 film** _ **Blacula**_ **. But I might just review Stephen King's It because it's much sillier. I'm torn between the two because of how silly it is. Next time, Sean reviews Wes Craven's movie** _ **Scream**_ **, the most meta horror-comedy of the 90s. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for more** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	75. Episode 71: Scream

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. When we last left off, Sean continued** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **as he reviewed** _ **Psycho III**_ **. Today, the fun and scares continue as Sean takes a look at Wes Craven's best films ever, the 1996 horror-comedy** _ **Scream**_ **and sees how well it holds up. But, someone is out to get our favorite residential critic. Will this be the last movie that he'll review? Find out today! Same Mayhem channel, same Mayhem place.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Scream**_ **is owned by Miramax and Dimension Films.**

 **Episode Seventy-One**

 **Scream**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc 2**_ **intro starts in the form of the** _ **Stranger Things**_ **intro while the theme music plays)**

We open with our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. We see him wearing a Nightmare of Elm Street t-shirt, jeans and a pair of Addidas and a black baseball cap with pumpkin prints on his head before he starts today's review.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic who rips movies a new one and welcome back to Halloween Havoc." Sean said as creepy organ music starts playing in the background and the castle thunder sound effect is heard while Sean does a sinister laugh.

"Really?" A female voice asked. "Do you have to do that?"

"Hey, I have to do it for the introduction. It's for Halloween Havoc." Sean said. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you all to my cousin Cami."

"Hi." Cami said as she waved to the camera.

"She's taking over for Dave since for some odd reason, my cameraman has been missing since Thursday. Hmm, weird. I don't know what happened to him the last time I worked with him was on my Child's Play rev…" Sean's phone starts ringing, interrupting his discussion as he picks up his phone to see who it is, only to be shown as an Unknown Caller. "Huh. Unknown. I wonder who it is."

"Uh, Sean. I don't think you should answer the phone. I mean, it could be a robocall." Cami said.

"Oh, come on. It couldn't be a robocall." Sean said. "Who knows. It could be a big fan."

"You're signing your death warrant." Cami said.

"Hey, as my cameraman. I mean, camerawoman, it is your job to shut up and film." Sean said.

"Look, just because you're my cousin doesn't mean for you to boss me around like Dave." Cami said, crossing her arms at Sean.

Sean rolled his eyes and answered his phone. "Hello?"

"Do you like scary movies?" The unknown caller asked.

"Uh, yes. I like scary movies. Why do ask?" Sean asked.

"So, I can play a game with you." The unknown caller said.

"Look, I'm pretty busy with something here. I can't play a game with you right now, I've got a review to work on." Sean said.

"Wait…" The unknown caller said.

"Bye." Sean ends the call. "Okay, where was I? Right. I think it's about time that I talk about Wes…"

Sean's phone starts ringing again as he sighs in disgust and answers it.

"What the hell do you want?" Sean asked.

"Why did you hang up? I wanted to play a game with you." The unknown caller said.

"I don't have time to be playing one of your stupid games, Jigsaw." Sean said as he hung up on the caller. "Okay, now…"

Sean's phone starts ringing for a third time.

"Son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed as he picks up his phone to answer it.

"Who was the killer in…" The unknown caller said.

"Look here, asshole. You call me again and I'm gonna come down to where you live and I will take you phone and stick it right where the sun don't shine!" Sean ends the call after he threatens the unknown caller.

We then cut to somebody who's dressed as Ghostface, who looks at his phone before turning to another Ghostface.

"Oh, that's it. He's dead." Ghostface said.

 **(We cut back to Sean)**

"Now, let's talk about Wes Craven, shall we?" Sean asked.

 **(Photos of Wes Craven are shown as well as posters of some of his movies)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Wes Craven? He's one of my favorite horror movie directors of all time alongside John Carpenter and Tom Holland. He's known as the master of horror for some of his films like** _ **The Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, Swamp Thing**_ **...**

"Wait, that's a superhero movie. Wes Craven directed a superhero movie? Okay, I have to check that movie out." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) He made us afraid of going to sleep with A Nightmare on Elm Street and yes, I watched that movie when I was young and it scared the crap out of me and the movie still does. Yeah, I really enjoyed his movies, except for** _ **Music of the Heart**_ **, which was a drama movie. Really, Wes? Really? He tends to mix horror and humor in his movies like The People Under the Stairs, that was more of a comedy. Sadly, Craven lost his life due to brain cancer back in 2015. I was deeply saddened by the loss of a great director who inspired me to direct movies.** **But Craven's legacy will live on. There are some of his movies that are my absolute favorite. Films like** _ **A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, The Serpent and the Rainbow, Shocker, Wes Craven's New Nightmare, Vampire in Brooklyn**_ **and** _ **Red Eye**_ **.**

"And today, we come to my number one favorite Wes Craven movie... _Scream_!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

 **(The title card for "Scream" is shown as clips play from the movie while the song "Whisper" by Catherine starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 20, 1996, Scream was the mega-hit horror-comedy that grossed over $100 million dollars and it revitalized the horror genre. It's a movie that coined the term "Meta". Hell, it's the movie that wants every horror movie to be "Meta". The movie tells the tale of a town being plagued by mysterious deaths caused by a masked serial killer and we have a group of friends getting caught up in the mix. The movie was written by Kevin Williamson, who was known for bringing us** _ **I Know What You Did Summer, The Faculty, Halloween: H20, Cursed, Teaching Mrs. Tingle**_ **... yeah, that movie sucked balls. And he also brought us a little teen drama that aired on The WB from 1998 to 2003.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Dawson's Creek**_ **is shown as we see the character Dawson Leery crying while the song "I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole starts playing)**

"That crying scene that became the butt of all jokes for James Van Der Beek. But hey, since you have the man who brought us Dawson's Creek, you got to have some fresh-new actors in your movie."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we have some of the hottest stars in the movie. You have Neve Campbell from Fox's** _ **Party of Five**_ **, Courteney Cox from NBC's** _ **Friends**_ **, Drew Barrymore from Netflix's** _ **Santa Clarita Diet**_ **, Skeet Ulrich from The CW's** _ **Riverdale**_ **and David Arquette... uh, what has David Arquette been doing lately?**

 **(A photo of David Arquette wrestling is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I forgot he's also a professional wrestler as well.**

"Considering the fact that this movie is 23 years old, we're going to see how the mystery, the meta humor and kills hold up or they're just a cheap gimmick. Well, Wes Craven made _New Nightmare_ two years earlier, so he knows what he's doing. This is _Scream_." Sean said.

 **(The movie begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins as we see high school student Casey Becker, played by Drew Barrymore getting a phone call from a mysterious caller but then brushes it off as a wrong number. She fixes herself some Jiffy Pop until the mysterious caller calls her and the conversation gets a little flirty.**

 _ **Mysterious Caller (Voiced by Roger L. Jackson): You like scary movies?**_

 _ **Casey Becker (Played by Drew Barrymore): Uh-huh.**_

 _ **Mysterious Caller: What's your favorite scary movie?**_

 _ **Casey Becker: Oh, I don't know.**_

"Oh, come on. You got to have a favorite scary movie. Mine's _Halloween_." Sean said.

 _ **Casey Becker: Umm... Halloween. You know, the one with the guy in the white mask who walks around and stalks babysitters.**_

"A woman who has my heart. We have something in common, Casey. But, I'm already taken by a beautiful woman who loves _Descendants_ like me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Casey then asks the mysterious caller about A Nightmare on Elm Street and she says this.**

 _ **Casey Becker: Well, the first one was, but the rest sucked.**_

"Uh, Wes. You do know that you wrote _Dream Warriors_ and _New Nightmare_ and those two are considered to the good ones." Sean said.

"Her opinion. She's welcomed to it." Brian said as he sips his beer.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then the conversation get a little creepy when the mysterious caller scares the shit out of Casey by telling her that he's watching her. So, she hangs up on him… until he calls again. She hangs up on him again just for him to call again. So, she answers and…**

 _ **Casey Becker: Listen, asshole…**_

 _ **Mysterious Caller: No, you listen, you little bitch! You hang up on me again, and I'll gut you like a fish, understand?!**_

"Boy, these telemarketers can be very threatening while they're trying to sell you something over the phone. That's what happens when you try to hang up on them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The mysterious caller tells Casey that this is a game. Who does he think he is, Simon Gruber from** _ **Die Hard With a Vengeance**_ **? Games are more of his thing. And then there's Jigsaw, who plays sick, twisted games with people until they die. Casey threatens to call the cops on him but the caller tells her that they'll never make it in time.**

"So, you don't call the cops? Couldn't you just call them anyway? It's better than what you're doing is absolutely. George, want to take it over for me?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from the** _ **Seinfeld**_ **episode** _ **The Pitch**_ **is shown)**

 _ **George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Nothing.**_

 _ **Russell Dalrymple (Played by Bob Balaban): Nothing?**_

 _ **George Costanza: Nothing.**_

 _ **Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?**_

"It means that she can't do jack shit about it. Come on, just call the cops and hide in the closet and just hope that you'll survive it." Sean said.

 **(The doorbell rings as Casey screams)**

 **** _ **Casey Becker: Who's there? Who's there?! I'm calling the police.**_

 **(Casey grabs the phone. It rings as she screams, then answers)**

 _ **Unknown Caller: You should never say, "Who's there.". Don't you watch scary movies? It's a death wish. You might as well just come out here to investigate a strange noise or something.**_

 **Meta Moment Counter: #1**

"We got a meta moment for the movie. That makes it one. And you know what, he's absolutely right. You should never say "who's there" in a horror movie, that a big no-no." Sean said as the doorbell rings. "Who's there?"

"Really? He just said you should never say "who's there". You should know that by now since you're a big fan of scary movies." Cami said as she gave Sean a look.

"Marco's Pizza. I have a delivery for Sean J. Archer." The pizza delivery man said.

"Ooh, my Pepperoni Magnifico pizza!" Sean exclaimed as he hopped up off of the couch and ran towards the front door. He opens the door, only to find his large Pepperoni Magnifico sitting in front of the door. He looked around to find the pizza guy, but there was no sign of him. "Hmm, well free pizza!"

Sean grabs the pizza and closes the door behind him. We then see the pizza guy's corpse hidden in the bushes as Ghostface appears, wiping the pizza guy's blood off of his knife.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Casey threatens the mystery caller by telling him that she'll get her boyfriend on him. But here's the thing: Casey's boyfriend Steve, played by Kevin Patrick Walls, is a little tied up and bruised and bloodied. Which means that it's time for Casey to play the caller's game. First question...**

 _ **Mysterious Caller: Name the killer in Halloween.**_

"Oh, that's easy. Michael Myers." Sean said.

 _ **Casey Becker: Michael. Michael Myers.**_

 _ **Mysterious Caller: Yes! Very good. Now for the real question./Name the killer in Friday the 13th.**_

"Okay, now this is a tricky one. In the first film, the killer was Pamela Voorhees, Jason's mother. Jason doesn't make an appearance until _Friday the 13th Part II_." Sean said.

 _ **Casey Becker: Jason! Jason! Jason!**_

"You dumb bitch! No! It's not Jason. He didn't show up until the sequel." Sean said.

 _ **Mysterious Caller: Jason didn't show up until the sequel.**_

"I just said that, movie. Stop pointing out stuff that I mentioned already." Sean said. "Oh, well. You know what that means."

 **(The lights are turned off, we hear the sound of a knife stabbing into some flesh and a slicing sound as the lights turn back on. Steve closes his eyes and we see his eviscerated corpse sitting in a chair)**

Sean looks on in shock right before he eats his pizza. "Jesus Christ, movie! That was pretty brutal. Okay, after seeing that dude's intestines hanging out, I don't think I'm hungry any more. As a matter of fact."

Sean starts eating his slice of pizza while Cami gives him a look of disgust.

"Don't judge me. I'm not trying to let this pizza go to waste." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, that was a pretty brutal death. Originally, this movie was going to be rated NC-17 because of it's gory scenes because the MPAA wanted Wes Craven to trim some from the movie. Anyway, Ghostface, who's the mystery caller, makes it into the house, but then Casey succumbs to stupidity by looking back into the house to see if he's still in there.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Batman**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Joker (Played by Jack Nicholson): You idiot!**_

"Yeah, never stop and check to see if the killer is still in the house. Add that to the Meta Moment counter." Sean said.

 **Meta Moment: #2**

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Ghostface manages to make sure work of her by stabbing her just as her parents arrive at the house. Ooh, so close. Casey's parents, played by David Booth and Carla Hatley, enter the house to look for their daughter. As Mrs. Becker picks up the phone to call the police, they hear their daughter on the other line. So as they head outside, this happens.**

 **(Casey's mother screams as her and her husband find her disemboweled corpse hanging from a tree)**

"And the body count has started. And pretty damn early, I might add. Man, the first 13 minutes is pretty frightening and I loved every moment." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that intense opening, we're introduced to our main character Sidney Prescott, played by Neve Campbell. She's busy working on her homework on her computer as she begins to hear a sound coming from her window. So, she goes to check it out and...**

 **(Sidney screams right when Billy surprises her)**

 _ **Billy Loomis (Played by Skeet Ulrich): It's just me.**_

"Only for Jughead's father to jumpscare her to death. And me. Buddy, you were about this close to joining your pal Fred. Thanks for trying to give me a heart attack." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see that Billy Loomis, played by F.P. Jones himself Skeet Ulrich, visits his girlfriend Sidney. But before they do the talking, Sidney's father Neil Prescott, played by Lawrence Hecht, goes to check on her after he heard her screaming. He tells his daughter that he'll be out of town for a couple of day and he gets back till Sunday. After he leaves...**

 _ **Billy Loomis: (Hides behind Sidney's bed and pulls out a stuffed animal and speaks in a gruff voice) Close call.**_

"Watch it, now." Sean said.

 _ **Billy Loomis: I was home watching television, and the, uh... The Exorcist was on. Got me thinking of you.**_

"Wait, what?" Brian asked.

"Uh, I'm sorry but how can _The Exorcist_ make you think of your girlfriend? Unless he was watching that scene where Regan was fucking herself with the crucifix and saying "Let Jesus fuck you!", you have some serious issues, my friend. You never expected something like this with me." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Taylor: Sean, what are you doing here? My parents are in the house.**

 **Sean: Yeah, so?**

 **Taylor: They're in town for a couple of days. You can't be here.**

 **Sean: Babe, I was watching** _ **Ghostbusters**_ **on Freeform and they were showing the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. It got me thinking about you.**

 **(Taylor gives Sean a confused look)**

 **Taylor: What?**

 **(Sean pulls out a bag of Jet Puffed marshmallows as Taylor giggles)**

 **Taylor: Oh, that.**

 **Sean: Yeah. S'mores with you and your parents.**

 **Taylor: Well, I got the graham crackers and the Hershey's chocolate.**

 **Sean: Cool beans.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then, Billy compares their relationship to movie ratings.**

"Oh, that's helpful." Sean said.

"I'm a film buff as much as the next guy, but, seriously?" Brian said.

 _ **Billy Loomis: (On his and Sidney's relationship) Nice solid R-rating on our way to an NC-17. And now... things have changed and lately we're just sort of edited for television.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott (Played by Neve Campbell): Oh, so you though you would climb in my window and we'd have a little raw footage?**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: (Laughs) No. No, I wouldn't dream of breaking your underwear rule.**_

"So, you're just hoping to get a little p..., let me get a kid-friendly wording for it, uh... a little action. You're hoping to get a little action from her, right?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, Billy is going have some blue balls tonight because here's the little deal about Sidney. You see, her mother Maureen Prescott was, um, how do I put this? Was brutally raped and murder the year before and she's struggling with the impending first anniversary of her death and because of her mother's extra-marital activities with other men, Sidney's afraid that she'll end up like her if her and Billy have sex. So, yeah. No action for him.**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Hey, Billy. Would you settle for a PG-13 relationship?**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: What's that?**_

 **(Sidney flashes Billy and shows him her breasts)**

"Oh, come on. At least show us Neve Campbell's boobs. Well, she was working on _Party of Five_ and maybe she wants to keep her family-friendly image. Well, then there's the movie _Wild Things_ and she did a lesbian scene with Denise Richards." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Wild Things**_ **is shown as we see Suzie, played by Neve Campbell and Kelly, played by Denise Richards making out in the pool)**

A naughty smirk appears on Sean's face after that scene plays. "That's one reason why I love that movie. Another reason was the threesome scene."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, the town of Woodsboro becomes a media circus with news coverage about the murders of Casey and Steve. We're then introduced to a tabloid reporter by the name of Gail Weathers, played by Courteney Cox. And we see that she's sporting her April O'Neil outfit. We're also introduced to Sidney's best friend Tatum, played by Rose McGowan. Tatum tells Sidney about what happened to Casey and Steve.**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Casey Becker, she sits next to me in English.**_

 _ **Tatum Riley (Played by Rose McGowan): Not anymore. It's so sad. Her mom and dad, they found her hanging from a tree, her insides on the outside.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Oh, my God!**_

"Thanks a lot. Now you made me lose my appetite." Sean said as he sits his pizza down on the table.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney is sent to the principal's office where we see Tatum's brother Deputy Dewey Riley played by David Arquette, Sheriff Burke played by Joseph Whipp and...**

 _ **Sheriff Burke (Played by Joseph Whipp) Who's up next?**_

 _ **Principal Arthur Himbry (Played by Henry Winkler): Uh, Sidney Prescott. She was daughter of, uh...**_

"Oh, my God. IS THAT...?" Sean gets excited when he sees Henry Winkler.

 **(A shot of Principal Himbry is shown with the caption "and HENRY WINKLER as Arthur Himbry" shown below him while the "Happy Days" theme starts playing)**

 **Sean: (V/O) IT IS! It's the Fonz from** _ **Happy Days**_ **!**

"Dear God, please tell me that he's going to give an awesome performance!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.

 _ **Principal Arthur Himbry: We're gonna keep this very brief, Sidney. The police just want to ask you a few questions. You okay?**_

"Oh, Lord. I've never asked for much. But thank you for choosing the actor to cameo in this awesome movie. Truly, he is going to be the best thing about this review. Thank you." Sean said as he bends his head down in prayer while heavenly music starts playing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to two more characters of the movie. Stu Macher, the boyfriend of Tatum Riley, who's a complete ass, played by Matthew Lillard, in a role that thankfully doesn't require him to go outside his acting range.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Shaggy (Played by Matthew Lillard): (After drinking a potion that gives him a woman's body) I've got a chick's body!**_

"Did I say acting range?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we're introduced to the best character of the whole movie, Randy Meeks played brilliantly by Jamie Kennedy and this was before he did** _ **Malibu's Most Wanted**_ **and** _ **Son of the Mask**_ **. Randy is horror geek and did I mention that he's the best character of the movie? We learn that Stu's had some history with Casey. Her and Stu used to date before she dumped his ass for Steve and then Randy accuses him of being the killer.**

 _ **Tatum Riley: Stu was with me last night, okay?**_

 _ **Stu Macher (Played by Matthew Lillard): Yeah, I was.**_

 _ **Randy Meeks (Played by Jamie Kennedy): Was that before or after he sliced and diced?**_

 _ **Tatum Riley: Fuck you, nutcase. Where were you last night?**_

 _ **Randy Meeks: Working, thank you.**_

 _ **Tatum Riley: Oh, at the video store? I thought they fired your sorry ass.**_

 _ **Randy Meeks: Twice.**_

"Okay, how the fuck do yourself fired at a video store twice? Unless he was in the porno section, I do not want to know what he was doing." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) With a psycho killer on the loose, Sidney doesn't feel comfortable staying at home by herself. So, she packs herself an overnight bag and makes plans to stay over at Tatum's house after she finishes cheerleader practice so she can come and pick her up. Sidney dozes off on the couch and gets a phone call from Tatum as she lets her know that she'll be on her way to pick her up and she's even stopping to pick up a movie from the video store.**

"Ah, video stores. This was before Netflix and Redbox. I go down to Blockbuster Video to rent me a movie to watch." Sean said. "I miss those days."

 _ **Tatum Riley: I'm gonna swing by the video store. I was thinkin' Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves. You know if you pause it just right, you can see his penis.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Whatever. Just hurry, okay?**_

"You know, when I first watched _All the Right Moves_ , I wanted to see Lea Thompson naked. But why did you have to bring that up, Tatum? Now, I'm going to live with the fact that I saw Tom Cruise's top gun. Thanks a lot. Dimwit." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Tatum calls, Sidney gets another phone call. But instead of Tatum, Ghostface calls Sidney, which she think's it's Randy. So, he asks her this question.**

 _ **Ghostface: Do you like scary movies, Sidney?**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: I like that thing you're doing with your voice, Randy. It's sexy.**_

 _ **Ghostface: What's your favorite scary movie?**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Oh, come on. You know I don't watch that shit.**_

 _ **Ghostface: Why not? Too scared?**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: No. No. It's just, what's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act, who's always running up the stairs when she should be going out the front door. It's insulting.**_

 **Meta Moment: #3**

"Sidney, it's my job to point out all the cliches in movies, so..." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Penn & Teller's Bullshit**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Penn Jillette: You need to shut the fuck up!**_

"Let the real critics do their job." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface tells Sidney to check her front porch, but she calls his bluff.**

 **Sidney Prescott: Can you see me right now?**

 **Ghostface: Uh-huh.**

 **Sidney Prescott: Ah, ok. (Stick her finger in her nose) What am I doing? Huh? Huh? What am I doing? Hello!**

"Yeah, I see you making an ass out of yourself in front of a killer right now. That's what I'm seeing right now." Sean said.

 **(Sidney stick her finger in her nose)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Bitch, stop picking your nose!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Ghostface proceeds to insult Sidney by bringing up her dead mother after threatening her. So, she heads back in the house just as Ghostface comes out of the closet so he can kill her, but Sidney manages to fight off Ghostface for a bit. But then Sidney succumbs to stupidity by trying to go through the front door after she locked it after stepping back inside the house.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Family Guy**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Lois Griffin (Voiced by Alex Borstein): Fucking idiot.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Guess that means going upstairs and locking yourself in the room. But hey, since Sidney is a teen in the 90s, she's also tech savvy when she uses her computer to contact the cops. After she did that, Billy arrives after Ghostface vanishes. He consoles Sidney until a cell phone falls out of his pocket, which makes Sidney think that, hmm maybe he's the killer.**

 **(Sidney steps back away from Billy)**

 **** _ **Billy Loomis: Sid, what?**_

"Okay, this is very suspicious. The killer vanishes from sight and Billy immediately shows up. Very suspicious, don't you think? Plus, he was carrying around a cell phone. So, that's very suspicious." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sidney runs into Dewey, who was standing in front of the door and Billy is arrested and taken to the station for questioning. As Dewey takes Sidney down to the station, reporter Gale Weathers is on the scene along with her cameraman Kenny, played by W. Earl Brown, arrive on the scene to talk to Sidney right when they're leaving.**

 _ **Kenny (Played by W. Earl Brown): Where's she going?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers (Played by Courteney Cox): Look... Kenny...**_

 _ **Kenny: Yeah?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: I know that you're about 50 pounds overweight, but when I say hurry, please interpret that as move your fat, tub-of-lard ass now!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Friends**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Monica Geller (Played by Courteney Cox): And remember, if I'm harsh with you it's only because you're doing it wrong.**_

"You know, it's a nice change of pace to see Courteney Cox playing a silly and sweet character in _Friends_ to seeing her playing a complete bitch in _Scream_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the police station, Billy is questioned by Sheriff Burke about his whereabouts last night and pins the murders of Casey and Steve on him, so Billy claims that he didn't do it, so they just keep him in holding. Anyway, Dewey shows him the Ghostface costume that was sold in every store. Yeah, this costume was out before the film was made. Anyway, Tatum and Dewey escort Sidney out the back of the police station but Gale catches up with them so she can interview with Sidney.**

 _ **Gale Weathers: Hi. Some night. What happened? Are you all right?**_

 _ **Tatum Riley: She's not answering any questions, all right? Just leave us alone.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: No. No, Tatum. It's OK. She's just doing her job, right, Gale?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: Yes, that's right.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: So how's the book?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: Well, it'll be out later this year.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Ah. I'll look for it.**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: I'll send you a copy.**_

 **(Sidney punches Gale in the face)**

"Ohhh! That was the best punch ever seen on film. Let's see that again." Sean said, with a smile on his face.

 **(We see Sidney punching Gale in the face)**

"And again." Sean said.

 **(The scene plays back again)**

"One more time but with some funny edits." Sean said.

 **(Sidney punches Gale, this time with the Subaluwa sound effect from** _ **Ed, Edd 'n Eddy**_ **plays. Then, the boxing bell starts playing. Next, the words "KO" from** _ **Street Fighter**_ **appear on the screen as Sidney punches Gale)**

 _ **Gale Weathers: (With Beetlejuice's voice) Hey, Mr. Slap Nut!**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: (With Jeff Jarrett's voice) What'd you call me?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: Slap nut!**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: You know who you talkin' to?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: Yeah you, slap nut!**_

 **(Sidney slugs Gale in the face)**

 _ **Announcer: Oh, my God! Down goes Beetlejuice!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney is staying at Tatum's when she gets another phone call from Ghostface, which means Billy is innocent. Or maybe there's two killers running loose. Who knows.**

Sean looks at his phone, making sure that it doesn't ring again. "Sorry, just making sure."

"Makes you think, huh?" Brian asked.

"Think of what?" Sean asked.

"More than one killer." Brian said.

"What? The thought of maybe one killer running around the town of Woodsboro?" Sean asked. "Hmm, haven't thought of that."

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Sidney and Tatum arrive at school, where reporters try to interview her, then she goes to talk to Gale about Cotton Weary, played by Liev Schreiber. Turns out that Cotton Weary was the man that Sidney fingered him for the murder of her mother and Gale was the reporter covering his arrest and Gale believes that he's innocent.**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Do you still think he's innocent?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: Your testimony put him away. It doesn't really matter what I think.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: During the trial, you did all those stories about me. You called me a liar.**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: I think you falsely identified him, yes.**_

"What? Sidney, you're an idiot. Why would you think that this guy killed your mother? I believe he's innocent. What? Was she the one that witnessed Batman jumping out the window when Salvatore Valestra's apartment blew up?" Sean asked until we hear a buzzing sound. "What? Why can't I use a _Mask of the Phantasm_ reference for this review?"

 **(The caption on the screen says "You used up your Mask of the Phantasm references")**

"What?! Oh, great. Now what am I going to use as a reference for this review?" Sean asked as a photo of Liev Schreiber dancing with Steve Martin in _Mixed Nuts_ is shown. "Uh, okay. Umm... maybe Sidney saw his twin brother who dresses in drag dancing with Steve Martin."

We hear the sound of crickets chirping and a person coughing is heard while no one laughs.

"Goddamn me for referencing an awesome Batman movie too many times." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Gale asks Sidney if the killer's still on the loose but Sidney just walks away and then Gale has something for the story of the century.**

 _ **Gale Weathers: An innocent man on Death Row. A killer still on the loose. Kenny, tell me I'm dreaming.**_

 _ **Kenny: You want to go live?**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: No, no, no. Not so fast. We don't have anything concrete.**_

 _ **Kenny: This is huge. You can't just sit on it.**_

 _ **Gale Weathers: I know. That's why we need proof. If I'm right about this, I could save a man's life. Do you know what that could do for my book sales?**_

"I'm gonna be bigger and better than Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow. Suck it, bitches!" Sean said, imitating Gale.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see some students pulling pranks by dressing up as Ghostface, then Sidney bumps into Billy and he wants to talk to her, but their conversation don't go too well.**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Please understand.**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: Understand what? That I have a girlfriend who would rather accuse me of bein' a psychopathic killer than touch me?**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: You know that's not true.**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: Then what is it?**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: What... is it? Billy, I was attacked and nearly filleted last night.**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: I mean between us. I mean, you haven't been the same since... Since your mother died.**_

 **(Sean pops into frame wearing a pair of sunglasses and a grey button down shirt a la Filthy Frank. He looks at the camera, then turns to Billy before looking back at the camera and turning back to Billy)**

 **Sean: (Points at Billy) You're a fucking idiot.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So much for Billy being sensitive, he tells Sidney to get over the death of her mother and get the D from him. But this pisses offends Sidney. Meanwhile...**

 _ **Principal Arthur Himbry: (To two students) You make me so sick. Your entire havoc-inducing, thieving, whoring generation disgusts me. So 2 of your fellow students were just savagely murdered, And this is the way that you show your compassion and sensitivity, huh? Let me tell you something... you're both expelled. Get out!**_

"Geez, the Fonz suddenly turned into Dean Wormer from _Animal House_." Sean said.

 _ **Expelled Teen #1 (Played by Troy Bishop): Come on, Mr. Himbry! It was just a joke!**_

 _ **Expelled Teen #2 (Played by Ryan Kennedy): That's not fair!**_

 _ **Principal Arthur Himbry: You're absolutely right. It is not fair. Fairness would be to rip your insides out, hang you from a tree so we can expose you for the heartless, desensitized little shits that you are.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **National Lampoon's Animal House**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dean Wormer (Played by the late John Vernon): The time has come for someone to put his foot down and that foot is me.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sidney hides in the restroom and she overhears two cu..., I mean, bitches, talking shit about her and saying that she's the killer.**

 _ **Cheerleader in Bathroom (Played by Leonora Scelfo): What if Sidney killed Casey and Steve?**_

 _ **Girl in Bathroom (Played by Nancy Anne Ridder): Now, why would she do that?**_

 _ **Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she had the hots for Steve. And killed them both in a jealous rage.**_

 _ **Girl in Bathroom: What would Sidney want with Steve? She has her own bubble-butt boyfriend Billy.**_

 _ **Cheerleader in Bathroom: Maybe she's a slut just like her mother.**_

"Okay, listen here you bitch! I do not condone slut shaming. What you're doing is pretty harsh. Jesus, can Ghostface kill those two, please? I hate bitches like that." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that nonsense, Sidney gets attacked by Ghostface again and this is what bothers me about this scene and I have to question it. What was Ghostface doing in there the whole time while he's waiting for Sidney? Was he playing his Game Boy in the stall while waiting for her. And because of this attack, Principal Himbry suspends classes and there's a citywide curfew is ordered by the Woodsboro police, which means for Stu to throw a party at his house. Meanwhile, we see that Principal Himbry gets ding-dong ditched by an unruly student and jump scaring himself after looking at himself in the mirror a couple of times.**

 _ **Principal Arthur Himbry: (Opens the door) Damn little shits.**_

 _ **Fred the Janitor (Played by the late Wes Craven): What'd you call me? Huh?**_

"Hey, we got a cameo from Wes Craven. Add that to the meta moment counter." Sean said.

 **Meta Moment: # 4**

"Also, we had a cameo from Linda Blair as a reporter, and then you have the Fonz playing the principal. So, that makes it six." Sean said.

 **Meta Moment: #6**

 **(Principal Himbry opens his closet and we see a black leather jacket, a jacket worn by Henry Winkler when he played the Fonz in** _ **Happy Days**_ **)**

 **Meta Moment: #7**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess nothing bad is going to happen to him. I'm sure that he'll be alright.**

 **(Ghostface appears after Principal Himbry closes the door. He proceeds to stab Himbry four times as Himbry screams)**

We cut back to Sean who's seen chuckling from Henry Winkler's death scene for a bit. "I think the reason why Ghostface killed the Fonz was because he directed _Cop and a 1/2_."

 **Sean: (V/O as Ghostface) This is for Cop and a 1/2! Burt Reynolds send his regards.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I don't know what makes this death scene so funny. Maybe it's because from seeing Henry Winkler getting stabbed by Ghostface or the fact that it sounds like he's having a really bad orgasm.**

 **(We get a photo of a DVD cover with porno music playing in the background. On the DVD, the title of the porno movie is called "Make Him Scream". On the DVD cover, we see Principal Himbry screaming next to Jill Kassady while we hear him screaming in the background)**

"Hmm, if only I can make this scene pretty funny. Oh, I know!" Sean exclaimed.

 **(We see Principal Himbry getting stabbed by Ghostface while the "Happy Days" theme plays in the background)**

 **(Another clip from** _ **National Lampoon's Animal House**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Donald Schoenstein (Played by Peter Riegert): Well, that was pleasant. Nice of him to stop by, dontcha think?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Tatum and Sidney while** _ **School's Out for Summer**_ **by Alice Cooper starts playing. Okay, nice touch after seeing the Fonz getting killed by Ghostface. Anyway, Tatum and Sidney talk about Cotton Weary about him having an affair with Sidney's mother. This is what I love about this scene, you have Sidney and Tatum simply sit and talk just like how two normal friends could talk. You have no bad language thrown in and they're talking about something that would naturally come up and we see Tatum's softer, friendlier side.**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: You know, if I was wrong about Cotton Weary, then the killer's still out there.**_

 _ **Tatum Riley: Don't go there, Sid. You're starting to sound like some Wes Carpenter flick or something.**_

 **Meta Moment: # 8**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, I just like to point out this shot.**

 **(The camera zooms in and we see Ghostface hiding in the bushes)**

Sean chuckles a bit. "I love that part."

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Randy and Stu at the video store debating on who the killer could possibly. Randy, who has a huge crush on Sidney, points the finger at Billy, who just so happens to be in the horror section of the video store. But Stu thinks that it's Sidney's father for some reason. And then we come to my favorite bit of the film which points out the ultimate cliche in movies.**

 _ **Randy Meeks: See, the police are always off track with this shit. If they watched Prom Night, they'd save time. There's a formula to it, a very simple formula! Everybody's a suspect!**_

 **Meta Moment: #9**

Sean laughs a bit. "Okay, I love everybody's reaction after Randy yells out that everybody's a suspect."

 _ **Randy Meeks: Everybody's a suspect!**_

"Yeah, try shouting out loud enough, I don't think that Angela Lansbury in reruns of _Murder, She Wrote_ heard you enough." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Billy then points the finger at Randy because Randy is a big-fan of horror movies. But Randy still thinks that Billy is the killer. So, with the curfew out in effect, Sidney and Tatum get some snacks for the party and...**

 **(We see Ghostface's reflection on the freezer door)**

"Okay, how stupid is everybody in this town? Doesn't anybody notice the serial killer in the grocery store? How the fuck does anyone miss that? To be curious, what was Ghostface doing in the grocery story?" Sean asked.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(We see Sean, who's dressed as Ghostface, pushing a cart around through the grocery store)**

 **Sean: (as Ghostface) Alright, peanut butter. Peanut butter. Where is it? (Finds the jar of Jif peanut butter and picks it up before putting it in his cart) Ah, there it is.**

 **(Sean moves to the next aisle, which is the frozen section)**

 **Sean: (Checks his shopping list) Okay, let's see. I need some Viennetta ice cream and some pizza rolls. (Sees Sidney and Tatum) Holy crap, it's her! Okay, let me hide so she won't notice me.**

 **(Sean runs and hides, then runs back for his shopping cart)**

 **Sean: I might need that as well. I need to get some Budweiser for me and my buddies.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Dewey, Sheriff Burke tells Dewey that the calls were listed to Sidney's father and that he made the calls on his cellular phone. Um, I'm pretty sure that the guy's probably dead or kidnapped. I'm pretty sure he's been kidnapped. Later that night, since the town's under a 9pm curfew, the youth of America party at Stu's house to celebrate the suspension of school.**

"A house in the middle of nowhere? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it won't end well." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Gale bumps into Dewey, who's smitten by her and he goes to check things out at the party, with Gale tagging along, just for her to place a camera inside to keep an eye on things from the news van. Meanwhile, Tatum leaves the party and heads to the garage to fetch some beers and... (Sees Tatum's nipples are seen poking through her tight green shirt) Hellooooooo, nurse!**

"Wow, it's a bit nipply in..., I mean, nippy in the garage. You know, at least the party is a lot hooter, I mean hotter than it is." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) As she's trying to grab some beers, things don't go according to plan when she finds herself cornered by Ghostface, which makes her think that it's Randy playing a prank on her.**

 _ **Tatum Riley: Oh, you want to play Psycho Killer?**_

 **(Ghostface nods as Tatum laughs)**

 _ **Tatum Riley: Can I be the helpless victim?**_

"Get out of there, you stupid bimbo! He's going to kill you!." Sean exclaimed.

 _ **Tatum Riley: No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface. I want to be in the sequel.**_

"Babe, you won't make it into the sequel. In fact, I know a much better place for you. It's on The WB and you'll be playing this smokin' hot character in _Charmed_." Sean said as a photo of Rose McGowan as Paige Matthews is shown next to him.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Ghostface cuts the living fuck out of Tatum's arm and she manages to fight him off.**

 **(Tatum hits Ghostface in the face with the freezer door, before running to the door and grabs a bottle of beer)**

 _ **Tatum Riley: Fucker!**_

 **(Tatum throws a beer bottle at Ghostface and hits him in the crotch before hitting him in the head with another beer bottle)**

Sean starts laughing at Ghostface. "Okay, is it just me or is Ghostface just clumsy as fuck in these movies?"

 **(Ghostface runs towards Tatum and does a flip over her and lands on the stairs)**

"Definitely clumsy as fuck." Sean said while laughing.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, Tatum does the most stupidest thing ever by going through the cat door and gets stuck in it and then...**

 **(Ghostface opens the garage door, with Tatum still stuck in it, As it goes up, Tatum's neck is crushed by the garage door)**

"Ooh, nasty." Sean said, imitating Treguard from the British game show _Knightmare_.

"Ouch." Brian managed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, ouch! After that death, the party is ending as some of the students head home because of curfew, then Billy arrives to talk to Sidney up in Stu's parents' room. Right, "talk". Which is code for sex. So, the two of them end up talking about it and her mother and her fears about turning into her mother.**

 _ **Billy Loomis: It's like Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs when she keeps having flashbacks of her dead father.**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: But this is life. This isn't a movie.**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: Sure it is, Sid. It's all... it's all a movie. It's all one great big movie. (Touches Sidney's cheek) Only, you can't pick your genre.**_

"Billy Loomis, ladies and gentlemen. Those are words to live by when you want to get freaky with your girl." Sean said.

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Why can't I be a Meg Ryan movie? Or even a good porno?**_

"If I want a good porno to watch, I'd rather watch Axel Braun's _Scream: The XXX Porn Parody_ , that way you'll get to see Zoe Voss and Scarlett Fay lezzing it out with each other. Best part of the movie, trust me." Sean said as he winked naughtily at the camera.

"Ugh, men. What is it with you guys watching women having sex with each other?" Cami asked.

"Because it's hot." Sean said as Cami rolled her eyes at her cousin.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney and Billy decided to take their relationship to the next level by having sex.**

"Oh, hell. I have to do this." Sean said as he grabs the remote and starts playing some music.

 **(The song "Freak Me" by Silk plays while Sidney and Billy have sex)**

 _ **Billy Loomis: (As Sidney takes off her bra in front of Billy) You are so... amazing.**_

"'Cause tonight, baby, I wanna get freaky with you." Sean sang.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While Billy is busy giving Sidney the D upstairs, Randy, Stu and the rest of the teens are downstairs watching John Carpenter's** _ **Halloween**_ **and we come to the most famous and best scene of the movie is when Randy gives out the three important rules in order to survive a horror movie.**

 _ **Randy Meeks: There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.**_

 _ **All: Ohh!**_

 _ **Randy Meeks: Big no-no! Big no-no!**_

 _ **Stu Macher: Dead man.**_

"Well, I guess Sidney and Billy broke the first rule. Revolver Ocelot, take it over." Sean said.

 **(The "Game Over" screen for** _ **Metal Gear Solid**_ **is shown)**

 **Revolver Ocelot: You idiot!**

"Alright, Randy. What's the next rule?" Sean asked.

 _ **Randy Meeks: Number 2: You can never drink or do drugs.**_

 **(Everyone cheers and starts drinking their beers)**

 _ **Randy Meeks: No, the sin factor. It's the sin. It's an extension of number one.**_

"You idiots are drinking beer!" Sean exclaimed. "That's another rule broken. And also, that's meta moments #10 and #11.

 **Meta Moments: #10 and #11**

 _ **Randy Meeks: And number 3: never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say, "I'll be right back," 'cause you won't be back.**_

 **Meta Moment: #12**

 _ **Stu Macher: I'm getting another beer. You want one?**_

 _ **Randy Meeks: Yeah, sure.**_

 _ **Stu Macher: I'll be right back!**_

 _ **All: Ohh!**_

 _ **Randy Meeks: You see, you push the laws, and you end up dead, ok?**_

"Uh, hold on, guys. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get me a can of Sprite lymonade." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and heads to the kitchen.

While Sean is in the kitchen, Ghostface suddenly pops up from behind the couch and gets ready to stab the young critic, only to see that he vanished into thin air as he looked around to see where he went.

"Where the hell did he go?" Ghostface asked.

Sean reappears as Ghostface, looking shocked to see Sean, screams and starts running away as Sean walked back over to his couch to watch his assailant running away like a coward.

"Hmm. Well, seems like Ghostface is afraid of actual ghosts." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Gale and Kenny are keeping an eye on the teens and getting bored at what's going on until Dewey lets Gale know that somebody reported a car in the bushes down the road, so the two of them check it out while Kenny stays in the van to keep watch. Aside from Sidney and Billy breaking rule number one and Dewey and Gale checking out the car in the bushes, Randy and the rest of the drunken teens watch Halloween until Randy gets a phone call regarding Mr. Himbry.**

 _ **Randy Meeks: Holy shit. No. Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goalpost on the football field.**_

 _ **Teen: What are we waiting for?**_

 _ **Teen on Couch (Played by Justin Sullivan): Let's go over there before they pry him down. Whoo!**_

"Wow, do you guys have no respect for the dead?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Dewey and Gale and we see that they're hitting it off pretty well and getting to know each other until the drunken teens try to run them both over as they jump into the grass, avoiding the speeding cars and then...**

 **(Gale kisses Dewey as "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson starts playing)**

"Stop, stop, stop!" Sean yelled out as the record scratches. "Can we play something else?"

 **("Baby" by Justin Bieber starts playing as Gale kisses Dewey)**

"Mother...!" Sean gets frustrated as he pulls out his Uzi and fires it up in the air as the song stops. "Anything else?"

 **(The "Ducktales" theme by Jeff Pescetto starts playing)**

"Well, that'll do." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After their mini makeout session, Dewey and Gale stumble across the car, which is Neil Prescott's car parked off the road nearby. Back in the bedroom after sex, Sidney questions Billy about his phone call from jail. He takes offense when Sidney accuses him of being the killer. But then Ghostface appears and stabs the living fuck out of Billy. So, he goes after Sidney and...**

 **(Sidney hits Ghostface in the face with the door)**

"See, this is why Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees don't run." Sean chuckled a bit.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Sidney climbs out of a window and falls on a boat only to find Tatum's corpse logged in the garage door. (Shudders a bit) Back with Randy, he's still watching Halloween in a scene that gets tense and ironic because Randy is telling Jamie Lee Curtis to turn around. I find it funny that all you can hear Jamie Kennedy, Randy's portrayer, saying this.**

 _ **Randy Meeks: Jamie, look behind you. Look behind you. Turn around.**_

"Turn around, he's behind you. Turn around." Sean said.

 _ **Randy Meeks: Behind you.**_

 **(Ghostface gets ready to stab Randy)**

"And he's fuckin' dead." Sean said.

 _ **Sidney Prescott: (Outside) Help me!**_

 **(Ghostface turns around as he hears Sidney yelling for help)**

"Well, Randy lives for another day." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Sidney runs over to the news van screaming for help until Kenny lets her in, only to see Randy on camera with the killer getting ready to strike.**

 _ **Kenny: (Sees Randy on-screen) Behind you, kid!**_

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Randy!**_

 _ **Kenny: Behind you!**_

 **(Kenny opens the van door and sees that the front door is open)**

 _ **Kenny: Shit! We're on 30-second delay.**_

"Right, I neglected to mention that the camera was on a 30-second delay. Silly me." Sean said.

 **(Kenny turns around as Ghostface appears and slashes his throat)**

"Oh, my God! He killed Kenny! You bastard!" Sean yelled out.

 **(We see a photo of Kenny and the caption says "Kenny the Cameraman. 1963-1996", it's shown briefly along with the opening to the theme music from** _ **Titanic**_ **)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface stabs Sidney in the shoulder. Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound. She manages to get away from him just as Gale and Dewey arrive at the house. Dewey checks things out in the house while Gale tries to contact the cops on her cell phone. She begins to panic right when she sees Randy and beans him in the head a couple of times before Kenny's corpse on the top of the news van freaks her out.**

 _ **Gale Weathers: (While driving) Oh, God, Kenny, I'm sorry, but get off my fucking windshield!**_

 **(Kenny's corpse falls off of the van)**

"Wow, Gale. Have you no respect for the dead? But then again, she was being mean to him. Bitch." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Sidney does her best imitation of a deer on the road while trying to stop the news van, causing Gale to drive off the road and crash into a tree. Oh, yeah. Dewey gets stabbed in the back, literally.**

 **(We see that Dewey falls to the ground, revealing the knife in his back)**

"You know, I've always known that Ghostface was a real backstabber." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, since there are no adults left. This only means two suspects left. So, Sidney takes Dewey's gun and points it at both Randy and Stu with Randy saying that Stu killed Tatum and Stu pointing the finger at Randy for killing Billy and Tatum. And Sidney does the most logical thing ever.**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: (To Stu and Randy) Fuck you both!**_

 **(Sidney enters the house and locks out Stu and Randy)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Friends**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Rachel Green (Played by Jennifer Aniston): You idiot!**_

"Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Leaving her friends outside to die at the hands of a killer. You fat, bloated idiot!" Sean yelled as he imitates Ren.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Billy's still alive, hmm that's funny. He was stabbed fatally multiple times. He doesn't even have a stab wound on him. Something's up.**

 _ **Randy Meeks: Stu's flipped out! He's gone mad!**_

 _ **Billy Loomis: (Turns to Randy) We all go a little mad sometimes.**_

 **(Billy points the gun at Randy)**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: No, Billy!**_

 _ **Randy Meeks: Oh, fuck!**_

 **(Billy shoots Randy in the shoulder)**

 **(A clip from Jacksepticeye playing** _ **Happy Wheels**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jacksepticeye: Screw you, Billy!**_

"Okay, I gotta love that little reference to Alfred Hitchcock's _Psycho_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Psycho**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Norman Bates (Played by the late Anthony Perkins) We all go a little mad sometimes.**_

"Add that to the meta moment counter." Sean said.

 **Meta Moment: #13**

 _ **Billy Loomis: Anthony Perkins, Psycho.**_

"Screw you, Billy! Let me point out the references to horror movies." Sean said.

 _ **Billy Loomis: Mmm. (Licks the fake blood off of his finger) Corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in Carrie.**_

 **Meta Moment: #14**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get the shocking reveal of Ghostface as the killer is revealed to be Billy and we get another shocker, Stu is also the killer as well. Oh, my God! Two killers. Okay, I friggin' love that reveal! We thought it was going to be one killer but it's only two killers. Alright, I'm going to explain it. Billy and Stu plan the whole murder spree and Ghostface plot to gain fame and fortune as the final two and to get revenge on Sidney. Why are they getting revenge on Sidney?**

 _ **Billy Loomis: (To Sidney) Your slut mother was fucking my father, and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.**_

"Turns out that Sidney's mother was boinking Billy's father and that caused his mother to move out and abandon him, so he kills Maureen and frames Cotton Weary for the murder of her mother. Well, Sidney. You accused an innocent man for murder and you fucked a psychopath. But then again, F.P. Jones has mommy issues." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And here's another shocker, they kidnapped Sidney's father and they plan to pin the murders on him. Also, their plan includes taking turns stabbing each other, which make them both idiots.**

 **(A clip from** _ **101 Dalmations**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Cruella De Vil (Played by Glenn Close): (To Anita and Roger) You fools, you idiot!**_

"2 killers. That explains the beginning. "Which door am I at?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, but these two are not the brightest. You see, Billy and Stu starts stabbing each other and with their knowledge is based on horror films, they don't know how much damage a single stab wound causes internally." Sean said.

 _ **Stu Macher: (After Billy stabs him) Stop it, man, would you? All right? I can't take anymore. I feel a little woozy here!**_

"Yeah, that's blood loss, buddy." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But things get worse for the duo as Gale takes the gun and points it at them. But Gale is not so bright about how to use a handgun when Billy knocks her the fuck out.**

 _ **Billy Loomis: Works better without the safety on.**_

"See, you have to check to see if the safety's on. Or you'll end up like Zeus from _Die Hard with a Vengeance_. You'll get shot in the leg." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This distraction gives Sidney enough time to hide herself and her father. Taking the phone with her, she calls the police. She taunts the two to keep them distracted. You know, it makes me wonder. Billy has a motive for the killings, so what's Stu's motive?**

 _ **Stu Macher: Peer pressure.**_

"Right, peer pressure. Looks like Stu should've listened to the Flintstone Kids." Sean said.

 **(The "Just Say No" song from** _ **The Flintstone Kids**_ **"Just Say No" special is shown)**

 **(Billy checks the closet to see if Sidney is hiding in there. He then turns and sees that** _ **Halloween**_ **is playing on the television until Sidney, who's wearing the Ghostface costume, stabs him with an umbrella. She then stabs Billy in the chest with the umbrella, causing Billy to scream)**

"Okay, that looked painful and sounded painful. Well, the reason why that looked painful was because Skeet Ulrich's chest has as metal wiring beneath his skin, that was because he had open-heart surgery when he was a child. So, when the stuntman was supposed to hit the pad that he was wearing, the second one slipped and hit him in the chest and that hurt like a bitch. But hey, Wes Craven kept that in. This has been another Interesting Factoid." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then a wounded Stu attacks Sidney and tries to kill her before she takes him out with the power of John Carpenter and Jamie Lee Curtis.**

 _ **Stu Macher: I always had a thing for you, Sid!**_

 **(Sidney bites Stu's hand and hits him in the head with a vase before getting up and moving over to the television)**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: In your dreams.**_

 **(The movie pauses on Stu screaming and the screen turn black and white)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Morgan Freeman) And it was at this precise moment Stu knew he fucked up.**

 **(Sidney kills Stu by dropping the television on his head)**

"Zoinks!" Sean said, imitating Shaggy.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Randy survives but then gets punched out by Billy as he tries to kill Sidney but Gale shoots him. And thus, Billy and Stu are dead**

 _ **Randy Meeks: Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life for one last scare.**_

 **Meta Moment: #15**

 **(Billy comes back for one last scare until Sidney shoots him in the head)**

 _ **Sidney Prescott: Not in my movie.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The killers are dead, Sidney and her father are safe, Randy is still a virgin, Dewey is still alive after taking a knife to the back and Gale gets her story. The end. (The poster for** _ **Scream 2**_ **is shown) That is until** _ **Scream 2**_ **a year later.**

"And that was _Scream_ and does it hold up... yes. Yes, it does."

 **(Clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The concept is still pretty scary and creative. The fact that the killer could be anyone, makes it a really great mystery, And I'm in for a good mystery. And I like the killer too and the fact that he questions his victims with horror movie trivia, it's pretty cool. I also like the killer's look and I know, it's been overused. And Ghostface earns a spot for the best slasher movie villains ever next to Michael Myers, Jason, Freddy and Pinhead. He can be intimidating at times but can be a little clumsy. The acting is fine, I loved the performances of Neve Campbell, Jamie Kennedy and Courteney Cox. Randy is my favorite character of the movie because I can relate to him, picking up cliches and tropes. Some of the kills look good and I enjoyed the effects, well some of the effects. I think the effect for Tatum's death look shitty. Overall, the movie got some great suspense and some great humor. I still find it to be one of the best horror movies ever coming in at 4 principals getting stabbed out of 5.**

"Well, that is all for today's review, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and..." Sean said as he turns around and notices Ghostface standing next to him. "What? Dave? Where the hell were you? I've been calling you for days and you never answered your phone. What is going on?"

"Yeah, he had me taking over for you." Cami said.

"Can you explain yourself, Davey boy?" Sean asked.

Ghostface holds his knife up in the air as Sean realizes that Ghostface is trying to kill him.

"Wait a minute." Sean turns and looks at Ghostface. His eyes widened in shock as he grabs a beer bottle and hits Ghostface over the head with it. "Run!"

Sean and Cami both make a run for it as Ghostface goes after them. The masked assailant goes after Sean and his cousin as Cami gives Sean a couple of DVDs to throw at Ghostface. Sean throws his DVD copy of _Christmas Vacation 2_ at Ghostface's head. He grabs another DVD, this time he throws his _Batman & Robin_ DVD at him before grabbing his _Superman IV_ DVD and throwing it at him.

"Sean, here!" Cami throws another DVD at Sean

.

Sean catches his DVD and sees that it's _Batman: Mask of the Phantasm_.

"Oh, hell no!" Sean sits the DVD down before grabbing the DVD copy of _The Godfather Part III_ and throwing it at Ghostface before running into the other room.

As Sean and Cami enter the living room, Sean grabs his pistol from underneath his couch to defend himself and Cami from their assailant. The doorbell rings as Sean and Cami both scream from the sound of it.

"Alright, I'm gonna go check the front." Sean said.

"Sean, are you nuts?! You can't do that! Don't check the front door, that's the biggest horror movie no-no." Cami warned.

"What? It might be Taylor or probably my mother. Or it might be your sister." Sean said as he goes over to the front door.

"Sean!" Cami tries to stop her cousin.

Sean, who's armed with his signature pistol, slowly makes his way over to the front. The young critic hugged the wall, gun at the ready while he gets ready to open the door.

"Eat lead, you mother!" Sean yelled out as he quickly opened the door and points his pistol at a man with grey hair and he was wearing a pink sweater, khaki pants and dress shoes.

"Please don't shoot me." The man said.

Sean's eyes widened in surprise as he couldn't believe who's standing in front of his door. The man happens to be Henry Winkler.

"Oh, my God. Henry Winkler! Oh, my God. I almost shot the Fonz, let me put my gun away. Cami, it's Henry Winkler." Sean said with a smile on his face as Cami ran over to the door.

"Henry Winkler. That's actually Henry Winkler? Who's Henry Winkler?" Cami asked as Sean gave Cami a look.

"Who's Henry Winkler? Are you serious? He played the Fonz in _Happy Days_." Sean said. "What brings you here, Mr. Winkler?"

"Well, you did email me to guest star in one of your reviews and I'm happy to do it. So, which review do you want me to guest star in?" Henry asked as he entered Sean's house and closed the door behind him, only for Ghostface to come up from behind him.

Henry turns around as he sees Ghostface and stabs him four times in front of Sean and Cami as the look on in shock.

"Oh, my God!" Cami exclaimed.

Henry then falls to the floor and before he dies, he says his final words. "Oh, no. Not again."

Ghostface looks at both Sean and Cami as he wipes the blood off of his knife and points it at Sean.

"Look, what do you want for me? Why do you want me dead?" Sean asked as he drops his gun to the floor and kicks it away.

Ghostface doesn't say a word as he prepares to remove his mask, revealing himself to Sean and Cami. The revealed killer had blonde hair and blue eyes.

"I don't believe it. It's you… Piper!" Sean exclaimed.

"Surprise, Sean." Piper said, speaking into the voice changer.

"Wait, who's Piper?" Cami asked.

"Piper is the one who keeps shocking my nuts on my Charlie's Angels review." Sean said.

"That's her?!" Cami asked.

"Yep." Sean said.

"So, surprised that I'm trying to kill you, Sean? I guess this is part of your Halloween Havoc but it looks like you won't be able to make to next year." Piper said.

Sean makes a run for it as Piper pushes Cami down and chases him into the garage. Sean ends up tripping over something as he looked down and notices a tied up Dave lying on the floor.

"What the? Dave! How are you…?" Sean asked before looking up to see another Ghostface popping out from behind his Ford Explorer. "Oh, you have gotta be fucking kidding."

"Yeah. There's two of me, buddy boy." The second Ghostface said.

"Oh, Christ. I wonder who it's going to be my mother. Oh, I will be shocked if it is." Sean said, making fun of the killer.

"Nope, not your mother." The second Ghostface said.

"Taylor?" Sean asked.

"Not Taylor." The second Ghostface said.

"Wait, the Nostalgia Critic? Dude, if it's about me reviewing Christine last year, then I'm terribly sorry." Sean apologized.

"Ugh! This guy is an idiot." The second Ghostface said.

"I told you." Piper said as she entered the garage.

"Okay, what is it? What do you want? And who's this joker? And it better not be Jared Leto's Joker." Sean said.

"Actually, this is my assistant Pam. Pam, say hi." Piper said.

Pam starts removing the Ghostface mask, revealing herself to Sean and Dave. "Hi, I'm Piper's assistant."

"Hi, Pam. Okay, you still need to answer my question." Sean said.

"Oh, I have my reasons. It's a lot of reasons but I don't want to name them all. And Pam, well, she wants to join in on the fun just to kill Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic. But unless you want to hear the reason, I was going to do Halloween Havoc last year, but you beat me to the punch. I was extremely pissed at you and I wanted you dead. Aside from shocking your boys, I might as well cut them off." Piper said as she points the knife at Sean.

"Oh, God! Please no, not my boys. That's torture enough. There's no need for you to do that." Sean said.

"You're right. You're absolutely right. I might as well kill both you and Dave. Your little cousin Cami, oh I'll just give her the old Dark Knight Joker treatment. But we'll pin the attack on you and also Dave's murder, leaving the three survivors who were left alive. So, got any last words to say?" Piper asked.

"You two are sick." Sean said.

"Right, say night-night." Piper said.

Sean starts closing his eyes right when Piper gets ready to kill him. Then all of a came from Pam as she collapses to the ground. Piper turns around to notice her assistant lying on the floor dead with a stab wound on her back while Sean's eyes widened in shock as the two of them see a man wearing mechanic's outfit, boots, a mask and he was holing a kitchen knife. The person who killed Pam was Michael Myers. Piper gets ready to say something but was cut off when Michael grabs her by her throat and walks over to the wall and pushes her against it. The masked killer holds his knife up to her and stabs her to the wall.

"Holy shit!" Sean yelled out.

Michael pulls the knife out of Piper and turns to Sean. The young critic looks at Michael Myers at shock as he sees him walking over towards him.

"Oh, God. You're going to kill me, aren't you. Please don't kill me, Mr. Myers. I got a life. If it's about me making a parody of you dancing, then I'm terribly sorry. What do you want? You want money? I'll give you money, how much?" Sean asked as he pulls out his wallet and throw his money out at Michael Myers. "You don't want money? Then what is it?!"

Michael stands in front of Sean, looking at him for a moment before he ends up handing him the DVD double feature set of _Halloween 4 & 5_ instead of killing him before he walks out of the garage. Sean looks in confusion as he looked at the DVDs before looking at the camera.

"Looks like I'm reviewing _Halloween_." Sean said. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, see you guys next time."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **You like scary movies?**_

 **And that is all for the** _ **Scream**_ **review. I hope you like the little bit with Ghostface trying to kill Sean. And what do you think of Sean's cousin Cami? She'll be the new cameraman for Sean's reviews as well as appearing in some cutaway gags with Dave. Next time, Sean and his friend Brian review** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **and sees if it's the best Halloween sequel yet or just a disappointment. Don't forget to review this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	76. Episode 72: Halloween 4

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Last time on** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **, Sean reviewed the 1996 movie** _ **Scream**_ **and had an encounter with Ghostface. Today,** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **continues as Sean and his friend Brian review** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **. Yep, it's a return of one of the best slasher movie villains ever. Is this return worth it or is it just a horrible** _ **Halloween**_ **sequel? Well, let's not waste any time. Pop yourself some popcorn and grab yourself a cold one. Here's the new hilarious chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **is owned by Anchor Bay Entertainment and Trancas International Films, Inc.**

 **Episode Seventy-Two**

 **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **intro starts in the form of the** _ **Stranger Things**_ **intro)**

We see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in the living room and checking his schedule on his tablet to see what's next on his agenda.

"Hmm, let's see what's on the agenda for today. Hmm, breakfast, grocery shopping, hit the gym, lunch, football game, watch the new episode of _General Hospital_ , work on the script for the next episode, dinner, sex with Taylor and go to bed. Alright, looks like I've got a full day…" Sean looks at his front door opening, then he sees a hand holding a kitchen knife sticking out of the door, his eyes widened in shock as he gets ready to pull out his gun.

"Hey, Sean. Do you want some brownies for today's review?" Brian asked.

"Aaaah!" Sean screamed.

"Come on, I'm gonna cut you a brownie while they're still hot." Brian said while cutting into the brownies.

"Are you nuts, Brian?! I almost shot you. Don't do that ever again." Sean said.

"Sorry, dude. Didn't mean to scare you." Brian apologized.

Then all of a sudden, Dave enters Sean's house screaming and brandishing a chainsaw while wearing a hockey mask.

"Hey, Sean! Do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!" Dave asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Sean and Brian both screamed.

"Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?" Dave asked as he turns the chainsaw off and removes his hockey mask.

"Jesus. Anyway, what are you doing here?" Sean asked Brian.

"I came to share my brownies with you. Oh and also, do you know what time it is?" Brian asked.

"It's Howdy Doody time?" Sean asked as Brian gave him a look.

"What? No, not that. It's time to review another _Halloween_ movie for _Halloween Havoc_." Brian said.

"Oh, no. The last time I reviewed a _Halloween_ movie for _Halloween Havoc_ I was drunk out of my mind. I'm sorry, dude but I want to stay sober and keep my brain cells intact." Sean said.

"Oh. Well, okay. Geez, I guess I'll have to go to the Nostalgia Critic so he can review _Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers_ with me." Brian said as he gets depressed.

Sean looks up in surprise after hearing his friend mention _Halloween 4_. " _Halloween 4_? Did you just say _Halloween 4_?"

"Yeah." Brian said.

"Okay, you're staying here. Sit your ass down on the couch and let's review this sucker." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers" is shown as well as clips from the movie while the "Halloween" theme starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **was released in theaters on October 21, 1988. I consider this one to be the best in all of the** _ **Halloween**_ **sequels and one of my favorite sequels ever. But let's face it, guys. It's still a** _ **Halloween**_ **sequel! There's going to be some goofy moments in it. We can't pretend that it's going to be perfect.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) A little backstory on Halloween 4, right after John Carpenter and Debra Hill gave up ownership of the Halloween franchise for obvious reasons. Blame** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **. (A photo of the late Moustapha Akkad is shown) Executive producer Moustapha Akkad gained full rights to the franchise. He wanted to move further with the series. His first order of business is to bring Michael Myers back after the third filmed bombed.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) A new Halloween film would not come out for another six years. And in those six years, Jamie Lee Curtis jumped ship and made a name for herself with films like T** _ **rading Places**_ **and** _ **A Fish Called Wanda**_ **, therefore she did not wish to come back for the next installment. So, she went the same route as Sarah Connor in** _ **Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines**_ **, killed off-screen. Oh, joy.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, no Jamie Lee Curtis. The movie needs a new protagonist. And thus, Laurie Strode's daughter Jamie Lloyd was born. Many young child actresses auditioned for the role of Jamie Lloyd until it came down to two child actresses, Danielle Harris and Melissa Joan Hart.**

"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.

"I'm not kidding." Brian said.

"Sabrina the Teenage Witch?" Sean asked.

"Yep." Brian nodded.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harris was given the lead role. Dwight H. Little, who directed episodes of** _ **Freddy's Nightmares**_ **and a movie called** _ **Bloodstone**_ **, was assigned to direct the movie and Alan B. McElroy was hired to write the script, a script that he worked on under eleven days because the writer's strike was going on back in 1988. So, that was a movie that barely got made but hey, it did. And this is all coming from the same guy who wrote** _ **Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever**_ **and the film adaptation of the movie** _ **Tekken**_ **, which was also directed by Dwight H. Little.**

"So hey, let's see Michael Myers return for Halloween. This is _Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers_." Sean said.

 **(The movie starts)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Our story begins ten years after the first film. We open on a farm that's fully decorated and I have to say that this is one of the best** _ **Halloween**_ **openings ever.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Seeing this decorated farm area really sets the tone. Seeing the skeletons, the scarecrows, the ghosts, the witches. It's all set on a fall setting to set the mood of the film.**

"Hmm, if only I can make it better. Oh! I know." Sean said as he presses play on his remote.

 **(The song "This Is Halloween" from** _ **The Nightmare Before Christmas**_ **plays during the opening credits)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We then cut to a dark, stormy night where we see two paramedics, played by the late David Jensen and Nancy Borgenicht respectively, arriving at the Ridgemont Federal Sanitarium to pick up Michael's body, where they're escorted by a security guard, played by Raymond O'Connor.**

 _ **Security Guard (Played by Raymond O'Connor): Yeah. First time here, huh?**_

 _ **Female Attendant (Played by Nancy Borgenicht): Hope it's the last time.**_

 _ **Security Guard: You never get used to the faces. Never.**_

"Really, dude? Are you going to keep saying random cliched lines?" Brian asked.

 **(A man screams as the male attendant get startled)**

 _ **Male Attendant (Played by the late David Jensen): Jesus.**_

 _ **Security Guard: Jesus ain't got nothing to do with this place.**_

"Shut up, dude." Sean said.

 _ **Security Guard: Yeah. This is where society dumps its worst nightmares.**_

"Shut… up." Brian growled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Then, the security guard starts dumping some exposition on the paramedics as he tells them what happened on the night Michael came home.**

 _ **Security Guard: Yeah, a decade ago, Halloween night, he murdered 16 people, maybe more, trying to get to his sister. Nearly got her, too. But his doctor, of all people, shot him six times.**_

"Oh, for Christ's sake. Seven times! He shot the fucker seven times! Not six, SEVEN!" Sean yelled out.

 _ **Security Guard: Then he set him on fire. Both of them nearly burned to death. Yeah, I'll be glad to see this one gone. Yes, indeedy.**_

 **(The elevator stops on the floor that they're arriving to)**

 _ **Security Guard: (Pushes the gate open) Welcome to hell.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Futurama**_ **is shown)  
**

_**Bender (Voiced by John DiMaggio): Shut the hell up!**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) So yeah. It turns out that Michael survived that explosion in the hospital back in the second film. Aside from him getting shot in the eyes, blown up and on fire, they say screw that, just give him minor burns and put him in a coma. Oh, yeah. This time, Michael Myers is played by George P. Wilbur. Well, Michael wrapped in bandages is played by Tom Morga. We see that the paramedics are transferring Michael back to Smith's Grove Sanitarium considering the fact that Dr. Loomis is not here to protest and Dr. Hoffman, played by the late Michael Pataki, does not want to put up with any of his shit.**

 _ **Dr. Hoffman (Played by the late Michael Pataki): Fortunately, his position is more ceremonial than medical. And with Myers gone, my hope is that he'll either transfer, retire... or die.**_

"Wait, Dr. Loomis is alive as well?" Sean asked.

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): It's time, Michael.**_

 **(Dr. Loomis flicks the lighter, causing the gas-filled room to explode)**

"Yeah, I call bullshit on that one. How can you survive an explosion? We saw those two clearly die. What is this, _Dragon Ball Z_? But hey, if Michael can survive an explosion, then I won't bitch about Dr. Loomis surviving an explosion as well." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the paramedics prepare to move him and we get to hear that kick-ass Halloween theme.**

 **(The** _ **Halloween**_ **theme plays as the paramedics move Michael into the ambulance)**

"Oh, hell. I'm gonna have to do this. Hit it!" Sean said as he snaps his fingers.

We cut to Michael Myers dancing to the _Halloween_ theme from _Halloween II_.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Everything seems normal, until the female paramedic has to open her big mouth.**

 _ **Female Attendant: Did Hoffman say anything about living relatives?**_

 _ **Male Attendant: Yeah. A niece living in his hometown.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After they mention that he has a niece living in Haddonfield, this some how wakes Michael up from his coma and go on a rampage.**

 _ **Male Attendant: You know, I still don't understand...**_

 **(Michael wakes up from his coma and bashes the male attendant's head against the wall while the female attendant watches and screams. Michael then jams his thumb through the male attendant's skull, killing him)**

"Turns out that Michael has super strength after waking up from his coma." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) After Michael kills the paramedic in a brutal fashion, we cut to the niece in question, Jamie Lloyd played by Danielle Harris, as we see her staring out the window, while her sister, I mean foster sister Rachel played by Ellie Cornell, checks on her to see why she's still awake.**

 _ **Jamie Lloyd (Played by Danielle Harris): Do you love me Rachel?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers (Played by Ellie Cornell): (Groans) Serious questions tonight. Of course I love you.**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: Like a sister?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Jamie, sometimes...**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: Like a real sister?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: We're not really sisters, Jamie. But that doesn't mean that I love you any less.**_

 **(We see that the ambulance is gone)**

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: Sure it does.**_

"Look, Jamie. I love you. It's your bitchy attitude that I don't care for." Sean said, imitating Rachel.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel takes Jamie back to her room to get some sleep and then Jamie notices that her bedroom window is open, so she closes it. And then, she's starts dealing with the cheap off-screen death of her mother after seeing a photo of her.**

 **(Jamie looks at a photo of her mother, Laurie Strode, and starts crying)**

"Damn you _Trading Places_. Damn you, _A Fish Called Wanda_!" Sean exclaimed.

"Hey! _A Fish Called Wanda_ was pretty good and I happen to love that movie." Brian said.

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: (Prays) Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul will take.**_

"Hush little baby, don't say a word. And never mind that noise you heard." Sean sings.

"It's just the beasts under your bed." Brian sang.

"In your closet, in your head!" Sean and Brian both sang as Metallica's Enter Sandman starts playing.

"And cue the nightmares." Brian said.

 **(Michael grabs Jamie from underneath her bed and tries to pull her. Jamie breaks free from Michael's grasp and runs towards the door. While trying to open the door, Jamie turns around and sees Michael)**

"Whoa, freeze right there." Sean said.

 **(The movie pauses on Michael)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wow, is it just me or does the mask look ugly as sin to you. I mean, look at it. The face is too white and the hair is slicked back instead of it being messy. But on a positive note, because of how white the mask is, you don't see Michael's eyes.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: The blackest eyes. The devil's eyes.**_

 **Brian: (Narrating) So, it turns out that Jamie's been having nightmares about her uncle, fearing that he will eventually come to get her and kill her.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the next day, which is...**

 **(We see the caption "Haddonfield, Illinois October 31, 1988" on the screen)**

"Look, movie. No need to let us know that this is Haddonfield and that it's October 31. Don't be like _Halloween III: Season of the Witch_." Sean said as the Silver Shamrock song starts playing. "OH GOD! NOT THIS SONG! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie kindly let's us know that this is Halloween. We see the Carruthers family and we're introduced to Rachel's parents, Darlene played by Karen Alston and Richard played by Jeff Olson respectively. They couldn't get a babysitter for Jamie tonight because the babysitter who's supposed to be watching Jamie broke her ankle on the ice rink. So, they turn to Rachel to watch her, but Rachel's got plans tonight. She's got a date with her boyfriend Brady.**

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Can't you find somebody else?**_

 _ **Darlene Carruthers (Played by Karen Alston): It's too late.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: What am I supposed to tell Brady? "Sorry, but I've gotta babysit my foster sister. Go and have fun by yourself."**_

"No, but you can tell Brady that you're busy killing zombies. And yes, I know that Ellie Cornell played Officer Casper in _House of the Dead_. That's why I had to make that reference." Sean said as a photo of Ellie Cornell as Officer Casper from _House of the Dead_ pops up.

 _ **Darlene Carruthers: It's not exactly the end of the world, for goodness' sakes.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Sure, it is. I think tonight Brady was ready to make a commitment. But now my future relationship, my engagement, my marriage, my children, and your grandchildren have all been wiped out because I have to babysit. Oh, joy.**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: I'm sorry I ruined everything. If I wasn't here, you could go out.**_

 **(Jamie walks away as Rachel groans)**

 _ **Richard Carruthers (Played by Jeff Olson): Good job, Rachel. That little girl needs all the love we can give her right now. All you can do is think about yourself?**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Mean Girls**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Janis Ian (Played by Lizzy Caplan): You are a mean girl! You're a bitch!**_

"Great job, Rachel. Way to hurt your foster sister. Bitch." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel apologizes to Jamie and she makes it up to her by going trick-or-treating tonight. But Jamie is not in the mood to celebrate Halloween. So, instead of trick-or-treating Rachel decides to pick up Jamie after school so they can go get ice cream. Meanwhile, we see that Dr. Loomis, still played by the baddest pimp that ever lived Donald Pleasence, wasn't even informed about the transfer of Michael Myers. So he goes to berate Dr. Hoffman for his stupidity. Oh, also we see that Dr. Loomis has some minor burns and he's walking with a limp. I guess the explosion knocked him to the next room.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): (After he enters Dr. Hoffman's office) Why wasn't I notified?**_

 _ **Dr. Hoffman: About what?**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: You know damn well about what. You let them take it out of here.**_

 _ **Dr. Hoffman: For Christ's sake, spare me the speech. I've listened to it for a decade.**_

"Hey, screw you asshole. When Dr. Loomis makes a bad-ass speech, you keep your friggin' mouth shut and you listen to him. That's the rules." Sean points out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Loomis tries to get the facts through Dr. Hoffman's head that Michael is no ordinary federal prisoner that they're dealing with, they're dealing with evil with two legs and then we get one of Dr. Loomis' awesome speeches.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Do you know what today is? Do you know the date? Every day I look at myself in the mirror and every day I remember. Look at me, Hoffman. (Shows Hoffman his scars) Take a good look. I don't want anyone to have to live through that night again.**_

 _ **Dr. Hoffman: I said this before, I think you're the one who need mental help.**_

"I'm sure Loomis has heard that from other people." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But then Hoffman gets a phone call, informing him about an accident involving a certain patient. So, Loomis and Hoffman head down to where the accident is at. But Loomis Michael senses are tingling because Michael has killed the paramedics and has escaped.**

 _ **Dr. Hoffman: Even if by some miracle Michael is conscious, his- his muscles will be totally useless. Give the troopers a chance to search.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: You're talking about him as if he were a human being. That part of him died years ago.**_

"Hoffman, don't you know who you're dealing with here. Michael Myers is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Loomis heads down to Haddonfield to go after Michael. And speaking of Michael, he's stopped at an auto shop and brings the body count up by killing a mechanic and stealing his boiler suit. Then, Loomis arrives to go get some gas for the car and ends up finding the mechanic's corpse and a dead woman behind the counter as well and the phones destroyed too. With his trusty pistol ready, he comes across Michael.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: (To Michael) Why now? You've waited 10 years. I knew this day would come. Don't go to Haddonfield. If you want another victim, take me. But leave those people in peace. Please.**_

"You know, I like this scene. I like the fact that Loomis is willing to sacrifice himself to Michael just to save the people of Haddonfield. He's not afraid to die... yet." Brian said.

"In fact, he's willing to die to protect the town." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael. God damn you.**_

 **(He shoots at Michael but doesn't hit him, we see that Michael is gone)**

"Uh, is Dr. Loomis losing his mind or does Michael have teleportation powers?" Sean asked.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Michael is still there but not long enough as he drives off to Haddonfield and cause an explosion.**

 **(Michael drives off, hitting a gas tank which causes it to explode as well as Dr. Loomis' car)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Dr. Loomis as he jumps over the barrels and trash cans) Stunt double powers, activate!**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Jamie, we see that the asshole kids in her school tease her about her family history and the fact that her mother is dead.**

 _ **Children: Bogeyman. Bogeyman. Jamie's uncle's the bogeyman.**_

 _ **Girl (Played by Stephanie Dees): How come your mommy didn't make you a costume, Jamie?**_

 _ **Boy #1: How could she? Her mommy's dead.**_

 _ **Boy #2: Jamie's mommy's a mummy.**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: Stop it! Okay? Stop it!**_

 _ **Children: Jamie's an orphan. Jamie's an orphan. Jamie's an orphan.**_

 _ **Jamie Loyd: Stop it! Please! Stop it!**_

"Jesus Christ, these kids are brutal! No wonder she's so fucked up because of asshole children teasing her about her serial killer uncle and her dead mother. It's just like..." Sean said as Dave and Adam enter the house.

"Hey, Sean. How come your daddy didn't make you a Halloween costume?" Dave asked.

"That's because Sean's dad ran out on him. He's fatherless." Adam laughed as well as Dave.

"So, who cares about my dad? He's an asshole." Sean said.

Dave and Adam both stared at each other for a bit until Adam smacks Dave in the back of his head.

"I told you that wouldn't work!" Adam shouted before he left the room.

"We should've went went the dead grandmother angle." Dave said.

"Oy. Fuckin' idiots." Sean muttered under his breath.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Jamie runs out of the school in tears and she assures herself that she's okay until Rachel picks her up along with her friend Lindsay, played by Leslie L. Rohland. Jamie wants to go trick-or-treating as a big fuck you to those little bastards.**

 _ **Lindsay (Played by Leslie L. Rohland): Do I drop you at the Discount Mart or the Dairy Queen?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Jamie?**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: Discount Mart. Can we get ice cream after?**_

"Hey, at least she's getting ice cream at Dairy Queen after, so that's a definite go fuck yourselves to those kids that teased her." Brian said as he eats an Oreo Blizzard.

 **(A Dairy Queen commercial from 1995 is shown)**

 _ **Singers: (As the Dairy Queen logo appears) Hot eats. Cool treats. We treat you right!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Discount Mart, we're introduced to Rachel's boyfriend Brady, played by Sasha Jenson. Brady bets his friend Wade, played by Richard Stay, to go talk to this buxom blonde named Kelly, played by Kathleen Kinmont.**

"Who you might recognize her as the ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas." Sean said.

"Who?" Brian asked.

"Lorenzo Lamas. He's one of the video action stars of the 80s and 90s. _Snake Eater 1-3_." Sean said.

"Doesn't ring a bell." Brian said.

"He did a couple of movies and shows with his former wife Kathleen Kinmont. Like the TV show _Renegade,_ the movies _CIA Code Name: Alexa_ , _CIA 2: Target Alexa_ , _Final Impact_. They were married from 1989 to 1993." Sean said as Brian stayed silent. "Oh, for the love of... am I the only one who knows who Lorenzo Lamas is?! Jesus!"

 **Brian: (Narrating) Well, let's see how Wade doing by asking out Kelly...**

 _ **Kelly Meeker (Played by Kathleen Kinmont): Fuck off, Wade.**_

"Well, that could've gone better." Brian said.

"I still can't believe that you don't know who Lorenzo Lamas is." Sean said.

"Oh, God." Brian said, making a facepalm.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rachel and Jamie arrive at the Discount Mart and while Jamie is looking for a costume, Rachel makes out with Brady for a bit before breaking the news to him about cancelling plans with him.**

 _ **Brady (Played by Sasha Jenson): (Sighs) When did you find this out?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: This morning.**_

 _ **Brady: You found out this morning? Why didn't you tell me before? I mean, it's 5:00 now, Rachel. Shit.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Don't get angry.**_

 _ **Brady: I'm not angry. It's just—**_

 **(Brady looks at Kelly for a bit. Kelly looks at Brady for a bit right when Brady goes back to talking to Rachel)**

 _ **Brady: Can I come over after Jamie goes to sleep?**_

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Go back." Sean said.

 **(We cut back to Brady side-staring Kelly)**

"Okay, he took that pretty well. Mostly because he has plans with this bimbo because he made a side-stare at her for 8 seconds and Rachel didn't even notice. Rachel, you're my favorite character and all but..." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Rocko's Modern Life**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Nuclear Swan Fan (Voiced by Tom Kenny): Wow, you're an idiot.**_

"I wouldn't last two seconds staring at an attractive girl without my girlfriend getting pissed at me." Sean said.

"Sasha Jenson. Heard he was in Dazed and Confused." Brian said.

"Oh, so you've heard of Sasha Jenson but not Lorenzo Lamas?" Sean asked.

"Give me a break, here!" Brian exclaimed.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Over on the other side of the store, Jamie finds the perfect costume, which is ironically a clown costume that's very similar to the one that Michael wore when he killed his sister in the first film. And this causes her to have more visions of Michael and freak out.**

 **(Jamie turns around after bumping into Michael and sees him putting on his mask and screams. She backs into a mirror, causing it to break)**

"Oh, she bumped into a mirror. That's seven years of bad luck for ya." Sean said.

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Jamie, what happened?**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: It was the nightmare man.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: What?**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: He's coming to get me, Rachel.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: You're okay. You probably saw a mask and it scared you. At least you're not cut. Come on. Let's go home.**_

 _ **Brady: She gonna be okay?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: She'll be fine.**_

"Yeah, aside from having hallucinations about my killer uncle and screaming until I backed away into a mirror without getting hurt. I'm fine. Can I still go get some ice cream?" Sean asked, imitating Jamie.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis is trying to get a ride to Haddonfield. A group of teens try to pick him up but they end up pranking him. Way to treat Dr. Loomis with some respect. But then Loomis manages hitch a ride with Rev. Jackson P. Sayer, played by the late Carmen Filpi. And this is where the film manages to get smart and this is one of the scenes of the film that I like.**

 _ **Rev. Jackson P. Sayer (Played by Carmen Filpi): You're hunting it, ain't ya? Yeah. You're hunting it, all right. Just like me.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: What are you hunting, Mr. Sayer?**_

 _ **Rev. Jackson P. Sayer: Apocalypse, end of the world, Armageddon. It's always got a face and a name.**_

"And by that, he's talking about Donald Trump." Brian said.

 _ **Rev. Jackson P. Sayer: I've been hunting the bastard for 30 years, give or take. Come close a time or two. Too damn close. You can't kill damnation, mister. It don't die like a man dies.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I know that, Mr. Sayer.**_

 _ **Rev. Jackson P. Sayer: Oh, you're a pilgrim, all right. I saw it on your face back there in the dust. I saw it clear as breast and blue suede shoes.**_

"Okay, I think that old man needs to lay off the liquor." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I love the fact that the Reverend and Dr. Loomis share something similar, hunting evil in their own ways and it's nice to see Dr. Loomis listening to someone who's doing all the talking, it's just a great scene.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) We cut back to Rachel and Jamie as we see Rachel's parents getting ready to go out while Jamie gets ready to go trick-or-treating. As Rachel and Jamie leave the house, Michael heads upstairs to Jamie's room and picks up a photo of his sister Laurie and looking at pictures of his niece. Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis arrives in Haddonfield and he stops at the Sheriff's office to convince the police that Michael has returned.**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: I need to speak with Sheriff Brackett.**_

 _ **Deputy Pierce (Played by Michael Flynn): Well, then you'll have to travel about 3,000 miles south of here.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: What?**_

 _ **Deputy Pierce: Bracket retired back in '81. He moved to St. Petersburg.**_

"He heard how stupid the plot twist to _Halloween II_ was and he heard about how stupid _Halloween III_ was." Brian said, imitating Deputy Pierce.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the new sheriff of the town, Sheriff Ben Meeker played by Beau Starr...**

 **(A clip from** _ **Dumb and Dumber**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Lloyd (Played by Jim Carrey) Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?**_

 **(Lloyd screeches as Harry joins in to make a weird noise, which irritates Mental)**

 _ **Joe Mentalino (Played by Mike Starr) Guys! Guys! Guys!**_

"Wrong guy. That's his younger brother Mike Starr. That's Beau Starr, who did this movie." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Goodfellas**_ **is shown. We see a scene where Henry's father, played by Beau Starr, beating Henry with a belt)**

"Yeah, Beau Starr played Henry's abusive father in _Goodfellas_." Sean said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael Myers has escaped from Ridgemont. He's here in Haddonfield.**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker (Played by Beau Starr): That's impossible. Michael Myers is an invalid.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: He's here, Sheriff.**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: Why?**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: 10 years ago, he tried to kill Laurie Strode. Now, he wants her daughter.**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: Are you talking about Jamie Lloyd?**_

"Uh, Dr. Loomis. Instead of talking in a calm tone and maybe just kinda raise your voice a little to get those guys into action." Brian said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: (Raises his voice) Six bodies, Sheriff! That's what I've seen between here and Ridgemont!**_

"There we go. That's how you do it." Brian said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: A filling station in flames! I tell you MIchael Myers is here in this town! He's here to kill that little girl and anybody who gets in his way!**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: All right, Pierce. Call the troopers and check his story out. Assuming what you say is true—**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: It's true, Sheriff.**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: All right, all right. It is true. What the hell can we do to avoid a repeat of 10 years ago.**_

"Ah, good question. I have a list right here." Sean said as he pulls out a lists and puts his glasses on before reading what's on the list. "Avoid stupid soap opera plots twists, always listen to what Dr. Loomis says, make sure that the murders have purpose this time and avoid that stupid song. That about covers it."

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel and Jamie are enjoying a night of trick-or-treating better than Max and Dani from** _ **Hocus Pocus**_ **, where they come across some familiar faces.**

 _ **Kelly Meeker: Hi, Rachel.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Hi.**_

 _ **Kelly Meeker: (Hands out candy) Here you go, little monster.**_

 **(Rachel sees that Brady is in Kelly's house and walks away)**

 _ **Brady: Rachel. Rachel?**_

 _ **Kelly Meeker: Brady.**_

 _ **Brady: Just a second.**_

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Music from** _ **The Brady Bunch**_ **theme starts playing as photos of Brian as Brady, Taylor as Rachel and Cheryl as Kelly are shown)**

 **Sean: (Sings) Here's a story of a man named Brady who was macking on two very lovely girls. His girlfriend found out that her friend was pantless, and now he's all alone.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Rachel gets pissed off at Brady for macking on Kelly, she loses track of Jamie and goes looking for her. Great job, Rachel. Anyway, the police's response to Loomis's warnings about Michael Myers results in a broadcast informing all citizens to return to their homes and stay inside but you have a bar filled with drunken hillbillies don't take no for an answer. So, they head down to the sheriff's office for some answers.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Meeker arrive at the Carruthers house, only to find that Michael was there.**

 **(Loomis and Meeker find the dog Sundae, lying dead on the floor)**

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: This is starting to spook me, Doc.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: At least I'm not alone.**_

"Jesus, Michael. Stop killing dogs! What? Did a dog kill your sister? Oh, wait. No, you killed your sister!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Michael is out making sure that things get dark and spooky the only way he knows how, by taking out the power grid the old-fashioned way.**

 **(Michael throws the electrician to the power grid, causing the man to get electrocuted)**

"Hey, I think that dude was in for a shock." Sean said as the audience and Brian boos at him from his bad pun. "What? What? What?"

 **Brian: (Narrating) This causes the power to go out. Rachel has a hard time looking for Jamie. Hell, Jamie was left behind by the group of trick-or-treaters. Does this town have any responsible adults? But fortunately, Rachel finds her and not only did she find Jamie, Loomis and Sheriff Meeker found them and they've come to save them. That is until Michael Myers shows up, along with...**

 **(Sheriff Meeker sees Michael Myers)**

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: Loomis.**_

 **(Loomis sees another person dressed as Michael Myers, then another person dressed as Michael Myers shows up)**

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: Oh, Christ. Doc.**_

"Uh, what the hell is going on here?" Brian asked.

"Did Michael Myers just clone himself and created an army?

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out to be a prank by some rotten teens. Anyway, Meeker and Loomis head down to the police station to find that some of Meeker's men are dead at the hands of Michael. Oh, remember those drunken rednecks? Well, they finally show up at the police station and they demand to know what the hell is going on here.**

 _ **Man: What the hell did this?**_

 _ **Earl (Played by Gene Ross): Looks like to me you're out of business. Now I want some answers.**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: I haven't got the time or the patience to argue with you. Now go home to your families where you belong!**_

 _ **Man: You forget who's paying your salary, Sheriff.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: It was Michael Myers. He's come home to kill.**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: Let it be, Earl. Let the police handle it.**_

"Riiiiight, you did so well the last time." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) We learn that one of the men had a son who was killed by Michael. We don't find out who it was, though.**

 _ **Big Al (Played by Michael Ruud): We're gonna fry his ass. (Cocks shotgun)**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: You stupid son of a bitch. You just created a lynch mob.**_

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: You haven't got a police force! These men may be the only defense you've got.**_

"Uh, yeah. How long until this plan backfires?" Sean asked.

 **(We cut to the drunken hillbillies shooting at something, thinking that it's Michael Myers)**

 _ **Unger (Played by the late Logan Field): Shit, Earl. It's Ted Hollister.**_

 **(We see a caption on the screen that says "1 minute 30 seconds")**

 _ **Earl: (To Orrin) You dumb son of a bitch. You said you saw Myers.**_

"Goddamn it! You killed Ted Hollister! Do you even know who he was? That was Ben Tramer's cousin, you stupid bastard!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After seeing the stupidity of drunken rednecks, we cut to the most important part of a slasher movie... teens having sex!**

 **(We see Kelly and Brady having sex)**

 _ **Kelly Meeker: Let's go upstairs.**_

 _ **Brady: No. I think we're doing just fine right here.**_

"Okay, for an impressively edited sex scene, they don't show any nudity because the camera always cuts away before we see Kathleen Kinmont's breasts. I have no need to add the censor bar. But if you want me to... here's her sex scene with Lorenzo Lamas in _CIA Code Name: Alexa_!" Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(A clip from** _ **CIA Code Name: Alexa**_ **is shown as we see the characters Alexa, played by Kathleen Kinmont, and Mark Graver, played by Lorenzo Lamas, having sex. We see a censor bar covering parts of Alexa's body)**

"Hey, if you want to see Kathleen Kinmont naked, look it up on Google." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Kelly's quest for Brady's Vitamin D get interrupted when her dad comes home and it just so happens that her father is the sheriff. So, yeah. Brady is a dead man. And instead of keeping Rachel and Jamie at the station since it was wrecked, they'll be safe with the Meeker family where Brady just so happens to be there, which will make things awkward between Rachel, Brady and Kelly.**

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: (To Brady) Oh, yeah. I catch you groping my daughter, I'll use that shotgun on you. You understand?**_

"Ouch. No need to piss of your new girlfriend's father, even if he is the sheriff." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then, things slow down for a bit. You have a killer running loose around the town, it's time to kick back, relax and take a breather. But hey, they got an old battery-powered radio so that Sheriff Meeker uses it to contact the state police in an attempt to get some help. Meanwhile on** _ **The Young and the Restless**_ **, Rachel and Kelly are in the kitchen together and they start talking about Brady.**

 _ **Kelly Meeker: I didn't know you and Brady had anything, okay?**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: You knew. You just didn't care.**_

 _ **Kelly Meeker: He's not married. Besides, I've got a right to do what's best for me.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Don't you mean what you do best?**_

 _ **Kelly Meeker: Wise up to what men want, Rachel. Or Brady won't be the last man you lose to another woman.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: (Throws coffee on Kelly's shirt) Have some coffee.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Friends**_ **is shown)**

 **Rachel Green (Played by Jennifer Aniston): Horny bitch.**

"What she said." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Well, Sheriff Meeker heads out to stop the drunken redneck's rampage before they end up getting somebody killed, leaving Rachel, Jamie and the rest in his house so they can just wait to get killed.**

 **(Kelly sees Deputy Logan's corpse as Michael gets up from off of the chair, then kills Kelly by impaling her in the stomach with it)**

"A shotgun, really?" Sean asked.

"Michael, I know that you want to be creative with your kills but shotguns are extreme close range weapons. You could just shoot her." Brian said.

"Although, I have to say that this is the best kill throughout this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rachel hears that help is on the way, so she heads down to let Deputy Logan know, only to find that Deputy Logan and Kelly are both very, very dead. So, she panics and she tries to look for Jamie. But then Brady's dumbass shows up to save the day as that idiot tries to get the door open with a shotgun by shooting at it.**

 _ **Brady: It's metal. Goddamn it, It's metal.**_

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: What does that mean?**_

"It means that you're both fucked." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rachel does find Jamie, and Brady tries to make up for what he** **did by trying to hold Michael off long enough so they can get away.**

 **(Brady fights off Michael by hitting him with the shotgun. Michael then grabs the shotgun and hits Brady in the face with it and drops the shotgun over the railing)**

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Brady!**_

 _ **Jamie Lloyd: Rachel, come on!**_

 **(Brady punches Michael in the face as Michael grabs Brady's fist, breaking it and picks him up by his head and kills him)**

 **(A clip from** _ **Knightmare**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Treguard: Ooh, nasty.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Michael kills Brady, Rachel and Jamie head upstairs to the attic and escaping onto the roof themselves. Which is the not-so-safe approach.**

 **(Rachel and Jamie slide down the roof until Rachel grabs a hold onto something to keep them from falling)**

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Grab on, Jamie.**_

 **(Jamie grabs on to Rachel)**

 _ **Rachel Carruthers: Grab on.**_

"And now for another Interesting Factoid. While filming the rooftop chase, Rachel's portrayer Ellie Cornell was injured by a protruding nail as she slid down the roof. After a quick trip to the hospital, she finished the scene with her bandages in place. That didn't even faze her. Wow, what a trooper. Ellie, you toughed it out. You deserve a gold star." Sean said.

"Yup, that's dedication." Brian said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) But Michael manages to catch up to them as he makes it up to the roof to kill them. And when Sean means by the not-so-safe approach, Rachel falls off the roof. Don't worry, she's not dead. She's just knocked out unconscious. Michael goes after Jamie until Dr. Loomis finds her. So, they both head down to the school and set off the alarms so the sheriff can arrive. Alright, hopefully they'll be safe.**

 **(Michael comes up from behind Loomis and grabs him)**

"Aaah! Blonde hair. It's Ben Tramer!" Sean yelled out after he spots Michael Myers having blonde hair.

 **Brian: (V/O as Michael Myers) That's for getting me killed, you old bastard!**

 **(Michael throws Loomis into a door)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jamie makes a run for it, then rolls down the stairs like a cartoon character and just when Michael's about to kill her, Rachel comes in to kick some ass with a fire extinguisher.**

 **(Rachel sprays Michael in the face with the fire extinguisher)**

 **Brian: (V/O as Michael Myers) My eyes! The goggles do nothing!**

 **Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, the drunken redneck posse arrive at the school after hearing the alarm and hearing that Michael is in there. Well, guess leave it for the rednecks to kill him.**

 _ **Earl: Screw it. Let's get out of here.**_

"Or act like a bunch of complete pussies." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Later, Rachel and Jamie are driven out of Haddonfield. Luckily, they run into the state police to warn them about the Michael Myers situation, the situation that is underneath their noses because... well...**

 **(The movie pauses and goes black and white as we see Michael climbing on to the back of the pickup truck)**

 **Sean: (V/O as a hillbilly) Yahoo! It was at that moment that these drunken redneck knew that they done fucked up. Hot Sally Mally!**

 **(The movie plays and switches back to color as Michael kills the men on the back of the truck, then kills Earl by ripping open his neck)**

 **(Rachel takes the wheel and throws Michael off the truck)**

"Apparently, she does." Sean said.

 **Brian: (Narrating) Rachel manages to throw Michael off of the truck, then runs the fucker over, sending him flying into a ditch. After that intense sequence, Sheriff Meeker, the lynch mob and the state police arrive as Jamie touches Michael's hand, then this happens.**

 **(Michael rises back up)**

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker: Get down!**_

 **(Jamie gets down on the ground as Sheriff Meeker and the lynch mob gun down Michael. We intercut to a scene from** _ **Mask of the Phantasm**_ **where we see a S.W.A.T. Officer of the GCPD shooting at Batman before switching over to a clip of** _ **Raiders of the Lost Ark**_ **where we see Indiana Jones shooting before switching over** _ **Die Hard**_ **where we see John McClane running and yelling as he starts shooting, then we cut back to the movie where we see Michael getting shot before he falls down a mine shaft)**

"So shooting him six times and blowing him up and burning him to death doesn't work. So, shooting him with six hundred times so he falls into a big hole will do the trick." Brian said.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael Myers is in hell. Buried. Where he belongs.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Well, guess you can call it happy ending. Michael Myers is dead and burning in hell once and for...**

 **(We cut to someone's P.O.V.)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) What the fucktopus?**

"Who's P.O.V. are we seeing?" Sean asked.

 **(In someone's P.O.V., we see Darlene running a bath for Jamie before we cut to her screaming)**

 **Brian: (Narrating) What's happening?**

 **(Loomis runs upstairs and stares in horror)**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: Oh, no.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Will somebody please tell us what the hell is going on here?!**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: (Sees Jamie holding a pair of scissors and dressed in her clown costume) No!**_

We cut back to Sean and Brian who both looked shocked at what's going on.

"F-f-f-f-fuck!" Sean shouted.

"Holy shit!" Brian shouted as well.

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: (Pulls out his gun) No! No! No! No! No! No!**_

 **(Dr. Loomis, Sheriff Meeker, Richard and Rachel watch in horror, realizing that Jamie is following her uncle's footsteps)**

"I have seen some crazy shit in my day but that... was... awesome!" Sean said with a smile on his face.

 **(Clips from the film are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Good heavenly Christ! This film had the perfect ending. Not only that it involves the corruption of a small child that we've grown to love throughout the movie, it caught us off-guard. See, when the original came out, it proved a point to you letting us know that true evil never dies.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) When Jamie touched Michael's hand, the evil was passed down to her. That is one of the best endings the film series could ever have.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, on the movie, what an improvement. Even though it got negative reviews from critics, the movie gained a cult following. With** _ **Halloween III**_ **being so out there with it's weird shit,** _ **Halloween 4**_ **brought back Michael Myers, it brought back the town of Haddonfield, it brought the Myers bloodline back and it brought the clown costume back.**

 **Brian: (Narrating) It had a few interesting ideas to explore but it's just playing it safe with the film series returning to its roots. Anyway, on the acting, the performances of Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell and Danielle Harris were pretty good and the music was good as well.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) It's got some great kills and some great suspense. This was an awesome return of a great slasher villain.** _ **Halloween 4**_ **is still my favorite Halloween sequel. Hell, I find it better than** _ **Halloween II**_ **.** _ **Halloween 4**_ **comes in at 4 armed drunken rednecks out of 5.**

"You know, for a setup like this, they can make a sequel with Jamie as the killer. Hell, the fifth one has Jamie as the killer. With Michael Myers dead, I'm sure that the movie is going to be great." Sean said with a smile on his face.

"Uh, dude. I got some bad news." Brian said.

"What is it?" Sean asked.

 **(The trailer for** _ **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Announcer: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.**_

Sean stays silent with a look of rage on his face. "Brian, could you excuse me for a moment?"

Brian quickly gets up from off of the couch and runs to the other room as Sean gets up.

"Fffffffu..." Sean screamed out as we hear the sound of an organ playing, censoring him.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Welcome to hell.**_

 **And that's all for** _ **The Mayhem Critic's**_ **review of** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **and what did you think of the review and also if you saw the movie, did you think it was a better** _ **Halloween**_ **sequel. But** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **isn't over as Sean tackles the fifth installment in the** _ **Halloween**_ **franchise.** _ **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**_ **, this time Michael Myers is back with a vengeance… and a garbage sequel and an annoying-as-hell character. Be afraid, folks. Be very afraid. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to help me out with funny ideas for reviews, feel free to message me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	77. Episode 73: Halloween 5

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and today, Sean the Mayhem Critic finishes** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **by reviewing** _ **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**_ **. That's right, we go from a home run to a swing and a miss as Sean goes off on epic rage mode on what happens to be the worst** _ **Halloween**_ **sequel ever. Will he finish out** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **as quickly as possible or will this movie lose his mind like Halloween III: Season of the Witch? So, sit back, relax, grab a cold one. Here's** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Halloween 5**_ **is owned by Anchor Bay Entertainment and Magnum Pictures.**

 **Episode Seventy-Three**

 **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**

 **(The** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **intro starts in the form of the** _ **Stranger Things**_ **intro)**

We see Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting in his living room like always, drinking his can of Sprite Lymonade. Instead of being his cheery and energetic self, he was looking angry this time

"I have no words to describe this movie. No, I'm not going to do an introduction or a joke or a bit this time. I'm just going to tell you straight out that this movie FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!" Sean yelled out.

 **(The title screen for "Halloween 5" is shown as well as clips from the movie while the** _ **Halloween**_ **theme plays)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) This movie is** _ **beyond**_ **terrible. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie.** _ **Halloween 5**_ **is way, way worse than** _ **Halloween III: Season of the Witch**_ **but give** _ **Halloween III**_ **some credit, I find that movie to be Citizen fuckin' Kane compared to Halloween 5. Don't you just love it when a film sets up a plot for the next movie and when the next movie actually comes around, it doesn't do a goddamn thing? Well,** _ **Halloween 5**_ **is a prime example. The acting is horrible, the writing is horrible and the music is horrible! Everything about this movie is HORRIBLE! Look here,** _ **Halloween 4**_ **had the perfect ending, Michael was dead and the evil was passed on to Jamie. It was the big "Oh, Shit!" moment. But Moustapha Akkad, the stupid jackass, already had the plot ready for a 1989 release and figured, "Oh, no. We're not going to do that. You know my motto, create something original and then reject them s we can do the same shit again.", that's is motto. I'm sorry if I'm going to speak ill of the dead but Moustapha Akkad is a fucking idiot. But Donald Pleasence being the bad-ass pimp that he was fought with Akkad saying that Jamie should've been the killer for the next film.**

"THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE ESTABLISHED IN THE LAST FILM, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!" Sean screamed.

 **(More clips of the film are shown, then a photo of the movie's director is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Why couldn't they get Dwight H. Little and Alan B. McElroy for round two? They should've done that. But instead, they hired Swiss-French director Dominique Othenin-Girard. He didn't give a shit about the plot, he didn't give a shit about the series, he just wanted to do a movie with Michael Myers just so he can get people into their seats. You know, when I first watched this movie on AMC seventeen years ago, I was starting to get sick to my stomach and I started to die a little. My God, no heart was put into this. And it's bad enough that in May of 1989 production for the film began without a solid script. Well, they took the Michael Bay route and start half-assing your way through it hoping that it'll all be fine.**

"But hey, this is the last movie for Halloween Havoc, I'm almost finished! So, let's get through this without me losing my fucking mind… if that's possible. This is _Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers_." Sean said.

 **(The movie begins)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, our movie opens with the title screen…**

 **(The title "Halloween 5" is shown, but it doesn't display the subtitle "The Revenge of Michael Myers")**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Uh, movie. You're forgetting something. Oh, Christ. They're too lazy to add the subtitle in the movie. It says "The Revenge of Michael Myers" on the DVD, promotional material, TV spots, trailers and merchandising but not in the movie, it's nowhere to be found. And then we get our credits, which gets interrupted by these annoying flashes going back and forth at random between the credits of the film and the knife carving its way into a pumpkin. (The opening credits to** _ **Halloween 4**_ **is shown) It's a big step down from the awesome opening credits the** _ **Halloween 4**_ **. (The opening credits to** _ **Halloween, Halloween II**_ **and** _ **Halloween III**_ **is shown) Take a look at** _ **Halloween**_ **and** _ **Halloween**_ **II's opening credits, they worked because they were incredibly eerie. Even** _ **Season of the Witch**_ **, much to it's credit, it had an interesting intro of a pumpkin coming to light on a computer. In this one, there's nothing creepy or scary. Ugh, I wonder who's the idiot who wrote this piece of…**

 **(We see that the movie was written by Michael Jacobs, Dominique Othenin-Girard and Shem Bitterman)**

Sean looks on in shock from seeing Michael Jacobs' name in the movie. "Michael Jacobs? The same Michael Jacobs that brought us _Charles in Charge, My Two Dads, Dinosaurs, Boy Meets World_ and _Girl Meets World_? He wrote this piece of shit?"

"Uh, Sean. Wrong guy." Cami said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"It's a different Michael Jacobs." Cami said.

"A different Michael Jacobs? What did this Michael Jacobs work on?" Sean asked.

 **(The movie poster for the 1985 movie** _ **Certain Fury**_ **is shown)**

"Oh, the guy who wrote the movie _Certain Fury_ starring Academy Award winners Tatum O'Neal and Irene Cara. Heard that movie was absolute garbage. Let the Cinema Snob deal with that movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After we see the pumpkin getting carved, we get a recap of the last film where we see Jamie played by Danielle Harris, Rachel played by Ellie Cornell and Sheriff Ben Meeker played by Beau Starr.**

"I just want to get the three returning characters out of the way before one of them get the axe." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyways, we all know what happens, Jamie touches her uncle's hand, Sheriff Meeker arrives with the cops and the lynch mob, she ducks down as Michael gets up and they pop him full of lead. Anyway, we see that he fell into a mine shaft and to make sure that he's dead, the state police happen to carry dynamite.**

 **(A clip from Jermaine Jackson's** _ **Dynamite**_ **music video is shown)**

 **(The mine explodes as Michael crawls out of a side tunnel and floats down the creek while the** _ **Halloween**_ **theme plays)**

"No! No, turn that shit off!" Sean yelled out as the record scratches. "You're not worthy of the theme music for this scene. This is so idiotic and disgrace to everything that the last film ended on, it doesn't deserve that awesome _Halloween_ theme. Can we play something else that's more appropriate for this scene?"

 **(Instead of the Halloween theme, the song "Proud Mary" by Ike and Tina Turner starts playing while Michael floats down the creek)**

"That works." Sean said as he smiles.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after Michael's finished rolling down the river, he finds riverside shack that an old mountain man, played by the late Harper Roisman, lives in and he tries to choke him out before passing out in his home.**

"So let me get this straight, Michael Myers, in the span of these movies took a Rambo's worth of bullets, shot in both of his eyes, blown up and burnt to a crisp. But at the end of part four and the start of this movie he was shot to shit and floats into some cold water. Great job, movie. Great job. Way to make him a complete joke." Sean said.

 **(We see the caption "HALLOWEEN EVE One Year Later" on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a year later after the events of the fourth film, where we see Jamie Lloyd is at Haddonfield Children's Clinic undergoing some monitor-testing. We see that she's not doing so hot as she has a pretty nightmarish dream about stabbing her step-mother and that messed her up in the head.**

"And this is where it gets stupid from this point on." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) It turns out that Michael made Jamie do it and not at her own evilness. Way to ruin the best horror finales of all time. Oh, yeah. Also, Jamie has a psychic link to her uncle because their movements mirror each other. Her hand twitches, which suddenly causes Michael to wake up and…**

 **(We see a tattoo on Michael's wrist)**

"Oh, don't worry. We'll talk about that tattoo when we get to Halloween 6 next year. Trust me." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Michael wakes up and… (We see Michael's face as he wakes up) What the fuck?!**

"Why am I seeing Michael's face? We're not supposed to see his face. No, movie. That's a big no-no!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, Jamie plays a tense game a charades as she writes down "He's coming for me" on the chalkboard, because she's a mute. Just want to point that out. Michael puts on his mask and then he kills the old man. Also, Michael's mask looks horrible. Oh, yeah, Michael is now played by Don Shanks instead of George P. Wilbur. Anyway, this causes Jamie to have a seizure and have trouble breathing. So the doctors prep her for an emergency tracheotomy until Dr. Loomis, played for the fourth time by Donald Pleasence, interrupts the procedure.**

 _ **Loomis (Played by Donald Pleasence): (Stops the procedure) No! No!**_

 _ **Dr. Hart (Played by Max Robinson): What are you doing?**_

 _ **Loomis: Leave her.**_

 _ **Dr. Hart: This girl is dying. I have to open her trachea, for God's sake.**_

 _ **Loomis: She will stabilize.**_

 _ **Dr. Hart: She's dying!**_

 _ **Loomis: No.**_

 **(Loomis and Dr. Hart see that Jamie stabilizes)**

 _ **Loomis: You see?**_

 _ **Dr. Hart: I see you still want this girl dead.**_

"Just wait a few good years until Rob Zombie kills her in _Halloween 2_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, we see that Jamie wakes up to her stepsister Rachel and we get a heartwarming moment between the two of them until…**

 _ **Tina Williams (Played by Wendy Kaplan): Hey! Hey, open up!**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Friends**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Monica Gellar-Bing (Played by Courteney Cox-Arquette): Son of a bitch!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Tina played by Wendy Kaplan. And I have to say this about this character, I hate her. She's so fucking annoying and trust me, she's the most irritating, obnoxious, whiny, pretentious annoying bitch that you will ever see in this movie and your entire life.**

"In the words of Christopher Titus when he described his psychotic ex-girlfriend, "She is an estrogen Molotov cocktail"!" Sean exclaimed.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dr. Loomis enters the room to see what the hell is going here until a brick is thrown through Jamie's window with a message saying "The evil child must die!".**

 _ **Rachel (Played by Ellie Cornell): How could they? When are they gonna realize that she is not him? She's just a child.**_

 _ **Loomis: They know that Michael Myers is her uncle and that she attacked her stepmother. That's why they fear her, especially on Halloween.**_

"Oh, Jamie attacked her stepmother. She didn't even kill her. She just attacked her and that she's alright. Oh, kiss my natural black ass, movie!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We heard that woman scream bloody murder right when Jamie stabbed her. Then we hear nothing but silence until we saw Jamie covered head to toe in her blood. Jamie killed her!**

"Really, Girard? You had to change things just to make your own shitty plot work. You're just going to ruin the movie. Hell, this is the same guy who brought us Omen IV: The Awakening, a movie that definitely killed the Omen franchise, so what can you expect?" Sean asked. "Not much."

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel heads back home to take a shower while Michael plays stalker. Back with Jamie, her psychic senses are tingling when she starts to have another freak-out, sensing that Rachel and the dog Max are in danger, so Dr. Loomis calls Rachel to check up on her.**

 _ **Loomis: Is Max all right?**_

 _ **Rachel: Max is having fun. He's been barking at a cat all morning.**_

 _ **Loomis: Go and check him.**_

 _ **Rachel: Well, why?**_

 _ **Loomis: Go and check him now!**_

"I'm not going to say it again, you stupid bitch." Sean said, imitating Dr. Loomis.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Rachel heads downstairs and sees that the back door is left open but she is too stupid to notice the sound of Michael's heavy breathing right behind her. God, how stupid are you?! First Brady, now this?! Plus, Michael was standing right behind her so she should've just turned around and seen the guy. But, I don't want to keep picking on her too much since Rachel's my favorite character alongside Laurie Strode, she does the smart thing by getting out of the house and call the cops.**

 **(We see the two deputies, Deputy Nick Ross and Deputy Tom Farrah walk out of the house while goofy music start playing in the background)**

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross (Played by Frank Como): All clear.**_

 _ **Deputy Tom Farrah (Played by David Ursin): Nothing above, nothing below.**_

"Comic relief in a Halloween movie. No, it's, I don't really… that's the way we wash our hands! Fa la la la la, la la la la!" Sean sang.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You cannot be serious, movie. Why does a Halloween film need comic relief? This is a horror film. Oh, these two Ranger Rick rejects are Deputies Nick Ross and Tom Farrah, played by Frank Como and David Ursin. Don't worry, we'll see these two idiots again later. And what's with that music?  
**

**(We hear that goofy music again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, can we play some obvious music behind these morons?**

 **(The Joker's theme from** _ **Batman: The Animated Series**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And to top it all off, they finish each other's sentences.**

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: Hey, it's what we're here for.**_

 _ **Deputy Tom Farrah: Rescue cats.**_

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: Find dogs.**_

 _ **Deputy Tom Farrah: That's our job.**_

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: And we love it.**_

"God, you guys are just like the couple that finish each other's sentences from The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Can we just move on, please?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel is going to alright. The movie's just messing with us. It was all false tension. Besides, Ellie Cornell's got top-billing in this movie right next to Donald Pleasence and Danielle Harris. Hell, in the last film she had top-billing over Danielle Harris.**

"Look, I know that this movie is bad but it's not like they're going to kill her off this early in the movie. If they did that, then I would be very livid." Sean said.

 _ **Rachel: (Sees Michael) No!**_

 **(Michael stabs Rachel in the chest with a pair of scissors as Rachel screams)**

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sean screamed out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, despite Rachel being oblivious, Rachel was a pretty good character. She was sweet and often naïve and she was strong and cool. She reminded me of Laurie Strode, which makes her an awesome character. And what happens to her, she get's Boba Fetted earlier in the movie. Ellie Cornell was disappointed to learn that her character was going to be killed off earlier in the movie. Also, on her death scene, originally Michael was going to kill Rachel by shoving a pair of scissors down her throat but Cornell thought that it would be too gruesome and she requested the writer's to change it.**

"But hey, if I found out that I was going to get killed off earlier in a movie, I'd be pissed!" Sean exclaimed.

Then all of a sudden, Sean gets shot in the heart with a crossbow then dies.

 **(We see a caption on the screen saying "Executive Producer BRIAN RUNYON" as Tears for Fears'** _ **Everybody Wants to Rule the World**_ **starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) After Rachel gets the axe and Jamie starts spazzing out, we cut to Dr. Loomis talking to Sheriff Meeker and refreshes him on who Michael Myers. And this is where they make Dr. Loomis an asshole.**

"Oh, you think I'm joking? I'm dead serious. He pulls the biggest cheap shot to get Sheriff Meeker into action.

 _ **Loomis: How many people did he kill last year? Have you forgotten your own daughter?**_

 _ **Sheriff Ben Meeker (Played by Beau Starr): I don't—**_

 _ **Loomis: No, of course you don't forget!**_

"What the fuck? Why would Dr. Loomis even bring that up? I mean, that is a new low. A new fucking low for Loomis. That's really out of character right there. Remember back in Halloween II how sad he looked when Sheriff Brackett had to identify his own daughter's body? Let's show the clip, shall we?" Sean said as the clip starts.

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Leigh Brackett (Played by Charles Cyphers): (Glares at Loomis) Damn you!**_

 _ **Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Leigh Brackett: What have you done?!**_

 _ **Sam Loomis: I haven't done anything.**_

 _ **Leigh Brackett: You let him out!**_

 _ **Sam Loomis: (As Sheriff Brackett leaves angrily) I didn't let him out, I gave orders for him to be restrained.**_

"Or what about the regard he has for human life in the last film." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Sam Loomis: If you want another victim take me, but leave those people in peace.**_

"And now he's at the point where he goes "Ah, fuck it. Let me bring up the Sheriff's murdered daughter just to piss him off.". And if you think that he's not going to be like that in the movie, trust me he's like that throughout the movie. Let's see another scene where he's badgering Jamie." Sean said.

 _ **Loomis: (To Jamie) You sense something, don't you?**_

 **(Jamie tries to say something, straining)**

 _ **Loomis: Tell me. Tell me what you know. (Hand Jamie the pen and paper) Here, write, write, write! Write what you know. Jamie, please! Please?**_

"Hey, this is the only _Halloween_ movie where Loomis is an asshole. Donald Pleasence still does the best he can with this character. His character doesn't do anything in this movie and trust me he does something at the end of the movie and we'll get to that steaming pile of assness later. Look, on the DVD _Halloween: 25 Years of Terror_ , Donald Pleasence is shown in an old interview saying that he hated what they did with his character and he was absolutely right. We know who to blame, right?" Sean asked.

 **(A photo of Dominique Othenin-Girard is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, fuck you! Let's move on. So after he pisses off Sheriff Meeker, Loomis, who I will be calling him that throughout the review out of respect for Donald Pleasence, delivers this awesome monologue.**

 _ **Loomis: My memory goes back 12 years, to the night when I offered my- I'm gonna show you- show you something. Look, look. Look at this. (Takes off his glove and shows him his scarred hand) Look at that. I prayed that he would burn in hell, but in my heart I knew that hell would not have him.**_

"Okay, that was awesome. Donald Pleasence always delivers the best monologues." Sean said. "But that still doesn't change the fact that they made his character into a fucking asshole!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Tina...**

"Ugh." Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, kill of my favorite character to make room for this character that I hate to be the hero. She heads down to Rachel's place but she can't seem to find Rachel anywhere. Hmm, maybe because the fucking screenwriting bastards killed her!**

 **(Tina closes the door)**

 _ **Samantha Thomas (Played by Tamara Glynn): (Scares Tina) Boo!**_

 **(Both Tina and Sam scream, then Sam laughs)**

"Aaah! It's two of them!" Sean screamed as he pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol.

 **Sean: (Narrating) This "Hellooooooo Nurse" smoking hot blonde is named Samantha, played by Tamara Glynn. She's here to meet up with Tina and Rachel to go to that big Halloween party, but with Rachel out of commission, they figure that she went up to the country with her parents. Oh, well. It's either that or...**

 **(Michael is standing in front of the window as he sees Tina and Samantha. Tina turns around and doesn't see anything in the house)**

"How come it feels like somebody's watching me?" Sean sings before speaking. "Because he wants to choke you to death! Oh oh oh!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Also, really Tina? You couldn't clearly see him sneaking off to the side very badly? Geez, he ain't Solid Snake. Anyway, we have more matters to discuss when Samantha and Tina talk about their boyfriends Spitz and Michael.**

 _ **Tina Williams: Michael?**_

 _ **Mikey (Played by Jonathan Chapin) What?!**_

"Okay, that's how I'm going to answer my girlfriend for now on." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Taylor: Sean?**

 **(We see Sean in his 2011 Ford Explorer)**

 **Sean: What?!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael or Mikey, to make things easier for you, is played by Jonathan Chapin. Mikey here is Tina's boyfriend who wears the Fonz's leather jacket and looks like one of the Greasers from** _ **The Outsiders**_ **.**

 _ **Samantha Thomas: Tina, I thought you wanted to see Jamie.**_

 _ **Mikey: Look, you're killing me, babe, okay? Would you just get in?**_

"Okay, this dude is a mix between the Fonz from _Happy Days_ and Dallas Winston from _The Outsiders_." Sean said as a picture of Fonzie and Matt Dillon as Dallas Winston is shown.

 **Sean: (V/O as Mikey) I'm gonna do it for Johnny. We'll do it for Johnny. Ayyyyyy!**

"Also, I would like to point out that Tamara Glynn is smoking hot." Sean said as a photo of Tamara Glynn as Samantha is shown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But enough about Tina and her friends, we cut back to Jamie, who is being tormented by her uncle. You know, it's too early to kill her off in the movie. Just give her one more movie to die. But her stalkers turns out to be the hospital staff who are worried about her. And then, we see Loomis badgering Jamie some more by lashing out at her.**

 _ **Loomis: We both know he's alive, (Yells) but you know where he is! Why? Why are you protecting him? Why- What about your stepmother, Jamie? You love her, don't you? He made you stab her.**_

 **(Jamie cries)**

 _ **Loomis: You can't hide from him. He'll always get to you. Jamie, Jamie, listen. Today, in the cemetery, somebody dug up a coffin. It was the coffin of a nine-year-old girl. What do you think he's going to do with that?!**_

"Dude, are you nuts?! You don't lash out at her! Don't you see that she's scared shitless of you? Just leave her alone." Sean said.

 _ **Nurse Patsey (Played by Betty Carvalho): Dr. Loomis, leave the little girl alone.**_

"Thank you. At least someone agrees with me." Sean said.

 _ **Loomis: There's a reason why he has this power over you. Did you ever wonder what it is?**_

"The psychic girl cliche. Come on, _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ and _Friday the 13th_ both did the same shit. You're just trying to be like them." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see this bus stopping in Haddonfield, where we see this Man in Black arriving in town.**

"Wait, a man in black? Are you sure that isn't Creighton Duke from _Jason Goes to Hell_?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Loomis heads down to the old Myers house, which doesn't look like the house from the original Halloween film. He checks out the inside but he's not alone, we that the Man in Black is sneaking in the shadows with the same tattoo that Michael has on his wrist.**

"Oh, I would like to point out that the Thorn symbol represents the Cult of Thorn. Don't ask about that because it wasn't actually hammered out until _Halloween 6_. That guy is just around to do some spooky shit because the writers didn't even explain it and they didn't even know what it was. Here's the thing, a little screenwriting tip, uh DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH ON WHAT THE FUCKING SYMBOL REPRESENTS BEFORE WRITING THE FUCKING SCRIPT, YOU FUCKING MORONS!" Sean yelled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Loomis heads down into the basement and checks out the laundry chute, which will be important later on in the film. He checks it out only to find...**

 **(Loomis opens the laundry chute as a dead opossum falls out, scaring Loomis for a bit before he laughs)**

"Oh, ho ho. Nothing brings me more joy than a silly jumpscare." Sean laughs, imitating Dr. Loomis.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back with Tina, Samantha and Mikey, they head down to the store to meet up with Samantha's boy toy Spitz, played by Matthew Walker. Oh, joy. More annoying characters that I want dead, except for Samantha. Let her live. Anyway, they acquire a few cases of beer for the party.**

 _ **Spitz (Played by Matthew Walker): (Touches Mikey's car) Oh, Mike. Nice wax job.**_

 _ **Mikey: (Grabs Spitz's face) Touch the car again and you're dead. Okay?**_

 _ **Spitz: Okay. Thank you.**_

"That's how I feel when someone touches my PS4." Sean said.

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **(Dave enters the living room and sees Sean playing** _ **Call of Duty: Modern Warfare**_ **on his PS4)**

 **Dave: Wow, Sean. Awesome game. (Tries to grab Sean's controller) Mind if I play?**

 **Sean: (Pulls out his pistol) You want to live forever?**

 **Dave: Nevermind.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Mikey heads to the back of the store to get the cases of beer until he has a run-in with Michael, who ends up scratching his car with a garden claw.**

 _ **Mikey: Okay, asshole. You wanna play?**_

"You know, I just realized something. This is the same guy who played Jimmy Montrose in John Hughes' _Sixteen Candles_." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **Sixteen Candles**_ **is shown)**

 **** _ **Jimmy Montrose (Played by Jonathan Chapin): (To the Geek) She's totally serious, asswipe!**_

"Hey, if Jimmy Montrose can take out the Geek, then he can take on Michael Myers." Sean said.

 _ **Mikey: Trick or tr—**_

 **(Michael grabs Mikey by his throat as he starts choking)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Mikey) Motherfu... (Makes a choking noise)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Michael kills Mikey my stabbing him in the head with a garden claw after Mikey tries to make his bad-ass line. We cut back to the Children's Clinic where a costume pageant is being held. Jamie is dressed as a pink princess with a tiara.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Sea of Love**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Det. Frank Keller (Played by Al Pacino): Kiss my tiara, bitch.**_

 _ **Billy Hill (Played by Jeffrey Landman): (Stuttering) These are for you.**_

 **(He hands Jamie the bouquet of flowers)**

 _ **Nurse Patsey: Ooh, aren't they beautiful? Huh? We'll have to put them in water.**_

 **(Billy then takes off his charm bracelet and puts it on Jamie's wrist)**

 _ **Billy Hill: (Stuttering) It's good luck.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Goodfellas**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Tommy DeVito (Played by Joe Pesci): You know Spider, you're a fuckin' mumbling stuttering little prick. You know that?**_

"I stutter some but not as much as this kid." Brian said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) While all that is going down, we see Tina gets picked up to go to the party by Michael, who's wearing Mikey's mask and Jamie senses Tina's impending doom. Maybe that or she's sensing that Michael is getting very annoyed by her.**

 _ **Tina Williams: I want you to know I just love barbaric men./Michael, don't I even get a kiss. (Laughs) Well, I can't resist your new look.**_

 **(Tina kisses Michael)**

 _ **Tina Williams: It feels creepy.**_

"Right. Will you excuse me for a moment, I have to step out for a moment before I end up breaking something in pure rage." Sean said as he gets up from off of his couch and leaves the house.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, sweet Jesus tap dancing Christ. Michael cannot come back from that. I think he lost all dignity because that bitch Tina kissed him! I lost all hope for Michael. Can we go back to Jamie and Billy instead of spending 90 minutes with these fucking idiots? Danielle Harris and Billy's portrayer Jeffrey Landman are good. Hell, Danielle Harris is good in anything, especially** _ **The Last Boy Scout**_ **. She's got top-billing in this film but they end up pushing her aside to focus on Tina and those idiotic friends.**

"You know, what if the movie was better?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Now, here me out. Here's what I would've done with Halloween 5. Here's the basic premise: they should've continued with Jamie's story. I could've began the movie with Jamie's in the Children's Clinic and let it be about her and Dr. Loomis' relationship. Jamie's not a mute and not psychic but have a bit of elements from the first film. Michael Myers comes back and he goes after her. Rachel is still alive and she's dating a doctor who works with Dr. Loomis and Jamie is his patient. Billy stutters a little but not too much. Have the movie taking place in 1991. Have that slow burn tension by adding some elements from the original** _ **Halloween**_ **, building up to Michael coming back. Don't use the mask that they use in** _ **Halloween 5**_ **but use the mask from** _ **Halloween 4**_ **. Kill off Tina early so we won't have to deal with her whiny ass. Get rid of that stupid Thorn tattoo and the Man in Black, have the Haddonfield police be the serious cops in the movie, Samantha dating a friend of Rachel's doctor boyfriend. Then, you have the climax at the Children's Clinic with Michael going after Jamie and her friend Billy, Rachel lives but gets stabbed in the shoulder by Michael, Michael injures Dr. Loomis and the Haddonfield police arrest Michael, then take him to the sanitarium and finally Jamie, Rachel and Rachel's boyfriend leave Haddonfield and live their happy lives together.**

"There! I fixed the movie! That's my new take on _Halloween 5_ if it was decent. But no. All we got was a shit show of idiocracy, leading to stupid shit like _The Curse of Michael Myers_ , _Halloween H20_ even though I loved that movie and the one with Busta "Trick or Treat Motherfucker" Rhymes. What are your thoughts with my direction on H5? What do you think? What would you have done? I would love to hear your thoughts." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jamie starts freaking out and tries to say the location where Tina's at, so she sorta starts talking. Well, so much for her being a mute. You can throw that out of the window.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Ghostbusters II**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Dr. Egon Spengler (Played by the late Harold Ramis): Short but pointless.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Billy played by Jeffrey Landman, does his best to translate it for her.**

 _ **Jamie (Played by Danielle Harris): St- ore!**_

 _ **Billy Hill: Store!**_

 _ **Loomis: Store.**_

 **(We cut to Tina, where's she's at a store with a sign advertising giant cookies)**

 _ **Loomis: What kind of store? What do they sell there?**_

 _ **Jamie: (Struggling) All-nighter.**_

 _ **Billy Hill: All-nighter.**_

 _ **Jamie: (Straining) No.**_

 _ **Loomis: Yes? What do they- what do they sell?**_

 _ **Jamie: Big...**_

 _ **Billy Hill: Big...**_

 _ **Jamie: Wom—**_

 _ **Billy Hill: Woman.**_

 _ **Loomis: A big woman? A big woman who works- works in the store, eh?**_

 _ **Jamie: No!**_

"No, not a big woman. A woman with giant cookies for tits." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The cops arrive at the gas station where Tina's at and they pick her up as Michael drives away. Oh, God. How dumb are the cops in Haddonfield? He was right in front of them the whole time. God, this movie is giving me a headache. Let's move on. Tina goes to Tina at the hospital to talk to her. Oh, good. Let's see what kind of nuggets of wisdom that Tina has to bring to the table.**

 _ **Tina Williams: (To Jamie) You might not understand, but- (sighs) When you're older, there are people you're gonna meet who make you feel, like, connected, like your heart is made of neon. And when you find them, you have to be with them.**_

 _ **Jamie: But he was with you.**_

 _ **Tina Williams: Who?**_

 _ **Jamie: The bogeyman.**_

 _ **Tina Williams: Oh, yeah, that's one way of describing him. (Kisses Jamie's forehead and gets ready to leave)**_

 _ **Jamie: Tina, no!**_

 _ **Tina Williams: Honey, I will come back later tonight and I will sleep with you right here.**_

 _ **Jamie: Tina!**_

 _ **Tina Williams: I'll be back. I love you.**_

 _ **Jamie: (Screaming and crying) Tina!**_

"Wha... wha...wha... wha... WHAT?!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) You can't be serious? This little girl is freaking out and is trying to keep you safe from her psychopathic uncle but she's less important to you so you decide to go to the party to hang out with your dumbass friends.**

"Have I mentioned that I want to choke to life out of you?" Sean asked. "Look, I want an explanation from you. Give me an explanation to why you're in this movie."

 **(A clip from Wendy Kaplan's interview from the making of 'Halloween 5' special feature is shown)**

 _ **Wendy Kaplan: I really loved the character. Not like someone that you would pop up in every movie, especially it's sort of really different from the genre I felt like. So the bad girl part of me it was fun to be able to express that.**_

"Look, no hate on Wendy Kaplan. She's a great actress and I know that she loved playing that character but Jesus, the character is unlikeable. Titus, take it over for me." Sean said.

 **(A clip from Christopher Titus' stand-up is shown)**

 _ **Christopher Titus: You are an estrogen molotov cocktail!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after we see Tina being selfish and not care about this kid, this fucking bitch has the nerve. She has the fucking audacity to bitch out Dr. Loomis.**

 _ **Loomis: Tina, please.**_

 _ **Tina Williams: Stay away, okay? You know, you're really creepy, filling that little girl with all that bogeyman crap.**_

 _ **Loomis: I believe that you're in danger. Jamie believes it, too**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **Tina Williams: Jamie's a nine-year-old girl.**_

 _ **Loomis: Be sensible.**_

 _ **Tina Williams: (Laughs) I'm never sensible if I can't help it. Hee hee hee!**_

"Oh, really? Because I really think that you're fucked in the head." Sean said.

 _ **Loomis: (To Deputies Ross and Farrah) For God's sake, stop her.**_

 **(Bulk and Skull's theme from** _ **Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers**_ **starts playing)**

 _ **Deputy Tom Farrah: Oh whose orders?**_

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: She hasn't done anything wrong.**_

 _ **Loomis: Follow her, then. At least you can do that. If that girl dies tonight- -**_

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: All right, all right. For you, Doc, anything.**_

"Oh yeah. Send the bumbling idiots out there to follow Tina. You Loomis, you're not that very bright. You just signed their death warrants... which is a good thing." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Being the only person who doesn't want Tina to die, Jamie manages to escape the facility with Billy's help as he knows where she's at so they head down to the Tower Farm. Really? A couple of nine-year-olds got past security in a children's clinic. How fucking stupid is security?! So anyway, we cut to the Tower Farm Halloween party where we see Tina and her friends Samantha and Spitz having some fun while the two rent-a-cops are keeping an eye out.**

 **(Michael drives past Deputies Ross and Farrah's police car)**

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: What do you think?**_

 _ **Deputy Tom Farrah: Well, orders are orders. That look like a life-threatening situation to you?**_

 _ **Deputy Nick Ross: Nah. Play Crazy Eights?**_

"Oh, God. You're making Chief Wiggum and the Springfield Police look bad." Sean said.

 **(A clip from** _ **The Simpsons**_ **is shown)**

 **(Homer drives past Chief Wiggum's police cruiser while Lou sees how fast he was going)**

 _ **Chief Wiggum (Voiced by Hank Azaria): Let him go, Lou. Someone going that fast has no time for a ticket.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Michael is busy stalking some teens. And then we're treated to...**

 **(Samantha runs out screaming as Deputy Ross and Deputy Farrah get out of the car to see Michael Myers getting ready to kill Tina as they point their guns at him)**

 _ **Tina Williams: Take me, but spare my friend! She's a virgin.**_

 _ **Spitz: (Dressed as Michael Myers) Got her phone number?**_

"Oh, joy. A fake-out. And trust me, there's four fake-outs that fill up the whole movie. This is fake-out #1." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We get fake-outs #2 and #3, which involves a kitten popping out and scaring Tina and Spitz pulling a prank on Tina by dropping hay on her. Until Sam is attacked by Michael.**

 _ **Samantha Thomas: Oh, my God! (Screams)**_

 **(Michael attacks her, but he stabs the hay. It's not Michael, it's revealed to be Spitz)**

 _ **Samantha Thomas: You son of a bitch! You scared me half to death!**_

"Okay, you know what... one more fake-out and I swear Michael Myers isn't going to be the only doing all the killing around here." Sean said as he picks up his pistol.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that fake-out, Spitz and Samantha decided to get a little freaky with each other because this is a slasher movie in the 80s, you gotta have some horny teens boffing each. And what do you know, Spitz brought a condom with him. We have a responsible teens practicing safe sex. Thank you for that important PSA, movie. So, while Spitz and Samantha are having sex, Michael decides to interrupt their private time.**

 **(Michael stabs and kills Spitz with the pitchfork as Sam screams)**

"Hey, he got off before he got off. Damn, he lasted for about 30 seconds. You know, I didn't know that we were going to make it to the climax of the film that quickly. I can do this all goddamn day." Sean said as the audience boos at him from his bad sex jokes.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for Samantha to meet her angel of death.**

 **Sean: (V/O as Michael Myers) Samantha Thomas, your angel of death awaits.**

 **(Michael kills Samantha with a scythe)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And now, only one dumbass remains as Tina goes back into the barn to find Sam and Spitz, but instead finds their dead bodies as well as the dead bodies of the two dead comic relief cops, thank Christ. And Michael tries to play a little game of** _ **Grand Theft Auto V**_ **on Tina's ass while trying to run her over until Jamie and Billy arrives and he decides to go after the two of them.**

 **(Billy tries to run away)**

 _ **Tina Williams: Billy!**_

 _ **Billy Hill: No!**_

 **(Billy gets hit by Michael)**

 _ **Jamie: Billy! No!**_

"Ha!, Screw you, Billy!" Sean shouted, imitating Jacksepticeye.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Michael goes after Jamie but she ends up gaining super speed because that idiot couldn't catch up to her in a car. He ends up crashing the car into a tree and he gets out. Right when he has Jamie cornered, Tina shows up from out of nowhere to save her, and then...**

 **(Tina tries to fight off Michael, but she ends up getting fatally stabbed by him)**

"YES! Play some happy music." Sean said.

 **(Tiny Tim's** _ **Living in the Sunlight**_ **starts playing as Michael stabs Tina)**

Sean sighs in relief. "Oh, I can watch that scene on a loop. Play it again! Play it again!"

 **(We see Michael stabbing Tina fatally once more)**

We cut back to Sean, who's seen jumping in joy from Tina's death scene.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Loomis and Sheriff Meeker somehow find Jamie and Billy and somehow he got him involved, Also, Michael disappears somehow. But we do have confirmation that Tina is truly, positively, stone cold dead.**

 **(We see Tina's corpse being taken away while Living in the Sunlight starts playing)**

 _ **Jamie: (Cries as she sees Tina's corpse) Tina! Tina! Tina.**_

 **(A clip from** _ **Seinfeld**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Jerry Seinfeld: You know, it's so nice when it happens good.**_

 _ **Loomis: Now are you willing to help me?**_

 _ **Jamie: Can you kill him?**_

 _ **Loomis: I think so.**_

 _ **Sheriff Meeker: Now wait a minute, Loomis.**_

 _ **Loomis: There isn't a minute to wait.**_

 _ **Jamie: What do you want me to do?**_

"Well, here's what you can do. Star in the Steven Segal movie _Marked For Death_ , play Bruce Willis' foul-mouthed daughter in _The Last Boy Scout_ , guest star in a couple of episodes of _Roseanne_ , switch bodies with Katherine Heigl in _Wish Upon a Star_ and voice Debbie Thornberry in _The Wild Thornberrys_. The list goes on." Sean said, mentioning Danielle Harris' acting credits.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And then we get another awesome monologue from Loomis.**

 _ **Loomis: Michael. It will destroy you, too, one day, Michael. This rage which drives you. You think if you kill them all, it will go away? It won't. You have to fight it in the place where it's strongest. Where it all began. If you want to get rid of this rage, Michael, go home. Go home! Go to your house, I shall be there waiting for you. You'll find her waiting for you.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Myers house, Jamie is set up as bait for Michael while several cops who are armed to the teeth prepare for Michael's arrival. Then all of a sudden, Jamie starts to sense that Billy's in danger, so the entire police force head down to the clinic, leaving Loomis and Deputy Charlie Bloch played by Troy Evans, alone. Loomis locks himself, Jamie and Deputy Charlie inside the room until he's informed by...**

 _ **Eddy (Played by Fenton Quinn): Charlie, can you read me?**_

"Uh, Gary Busey? He's informed by Gary Busey?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) A police cruiser arrives, but it turns out to be Michael, who kills the shit out the poor guy. He then enters the house, well, you know what I'm just going to call it Hotel Transylvania because that does not look like the Myers house. And he ends up confronting Loomis, who tries to reason with him.**

 _ **Loomis: Let me take you. Let me take you to her. She'll take your rage away. Michael, you'll be better then. You don't need- -**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Michael Myers) Well, now that you think about it, maybe I'll...**

 **(Michael slashes Loomis across his abdomen)**

 **Sean: (V/O as Michael) Psyche! Fuck you, old man!**

 **(Michael throws Loomis through the banister in a frenzy)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Deputy Charlie breaks the window and helps Jamie tries to escape but the nice deputy ends up getting killed by Michael because he doesn't like nice people. So, Jamie being the awesome character that she is, hides in the laundry chute but she ends up making too much noise. Michael heads down to the basement and finds her but she ends up escaping into the attic, where she finds the bodies of her dog Max, Mikey and...**

 **(Jamie screams as she sees Rachel's corpse)**

 _ **Jamie: (Screams) No! Rachel, no!**_

"Goddamn it. Why, movie? Why?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jamie gets in the coffin. Yeah, not a good place to hide from your psychotic uncle. And when Michael arrives, she drops the "U-bomb" on him right when he's ready to kill her.**

 _ **Jamie: Uncle? Bogeyman?**_

(Michael stops and doesn't kill Jamie)

 _ **Jamie: Let me see.**_

 **(Michael takes off his mask, revealing himself to Jamie)**

 _ **Jamie: You're just like me.**_

 **(Michael starts crying)**

"Oh, blow me, movie! You know, I can take making Jamie a mute for most of the movie, I can take Loomis acting like a complete asshole, I can even take Rachel getting killed off before the half hour mark. But I cannot take the human embodiment of all evil crying just for being called "uncle". This is demeaning and out of character! But if you think I can take Michael crying, then you are high!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Michael snaps the fuck out after realizing how ridiculous this is and goes berserk. You know, for a guy who was burned alive in an inferno, he looks like he's in pretty good shape. Michael puts his mask back on and tries to kill Jamie until, you know what I'm too pissed off about this movie, just watch.**

 _ **Loomis: (Picks up Jamie) You want her?**_

 _ **Jamie: No!**_

 _ **Loomis: Here she is! Here's your nice little girl.**_

 _ **Jamie: No! No! No! No, no, no!**_

 _ **Loomis: Come and get her!**_

 _ **Jamie: Please, no!**_

Sean stays silent for a bit with a look of shock on his face. "What the hell, Loomis?!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) What has this stupid movie done to Loomis? He went from being a great man who would sacrifice his own life for anyone to an insane man holding a child hostage just to lure a killer!**

"Goddamn this movie! They ruined Loomis! Fuck you, movie! FUCK YOU!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it was all a plan to trap Michael. So, he drops a metal net over him and shoots him with a tranquilizer gun. Geez, did Loomis turn into Dwight Schrute from** _ **The Office**_ **?**

 **(A clip from** _ **The Office**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Stanley Hudson (Played by Leslie David Baker): (After Dwight shoots him with a bull tranquilizer) No you didn't. Sick of you and your...**_

 **(Dwight shoots Stanley two more times with the bull tranquilizer until he goes down)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And if that doesn't work, maybe try beating him with a 2x4 to bring him down)**

 **(Loomis beat Michael with a wooden plank)**

 _ **Loomis: Die! Die! Die! Die!**_

"Die! Die! I'm gonna keep hitting you until I break your nose! Die! Die!" Sean said while imitating Dr. Loomis.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, I'm not joking. Donald Pleasence accidentally broke Don Shanks' nose with a 2x4 during filming.**

 _ **Loomis: (Beats Michael) Die! Die! D—**_

 **(Loomis collapses on top of Michael and makes a groaning noise)**

"What the? Was Loomis making a moaning sound after he landed on top of Michael. Don't tell me that this is a start of a _Halloween_ porn parody." Sean said, making a face.

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Loomis suffers a stroke after beating Michael until the police arrive to arrest him.**

 _ **Sheriff Meeker: The National Guard will take him to a maximum security facility where he'll stay till the day he dies.**_

 _ **Jamie: He'll never die.**_

"She's right, you know. He gets his head cut off in _Halloween H20_ and comes back in _Halloween: Resurrection_." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) And just when you think that this madness is all over, Creighton Duke arrives at the police station and shoots up the place and bust Michael out. Jamie goes back inside to find all the cops, including Sheriff Meeker dead and only to see that Michael is gone.**

 _ **Jamie: (Sees that Michael is gone) No. No!**_

"And that was _Halloween 5_ and… wow, this movie is horrible." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, let's do the good parts first: Donald Pleasence and Danielle Harris are terrific as always. Here's the bad: the new characters are annoying as hell, Michael is a joke, old character are dumped on, there's no horror, no revenge as the title suggests and the plot doesn't make sense. The movie is a piece of garbage from start to finish. It was one of the worst films that I had to sit through and review. Hell, it's bad enough that we had to wait six years for a new** _ **Halloween**_ **movie to come out.**

 **(A poster for** _ **Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Guess I'll have to wait six years to review this movie. Hell, guess I'll wait six months to review** _ **The Curse of Michael Myers**_ **. Jesus. Anyway,** _ **Halloween 5**_ **gets 2 hits to the nose with a wooden plank out of 5.**

"Thank God. And that wraps up another Halloween Havoc. So next week, probably makes sense to review something different. Maybe travel where no man has gone before to review this movie. I gotta make sure that I'm not wearing red for this review because people who wear the color red end up dying and I want to live." Sean said, dropping hints for the next review.

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **I'm never sensible if I can't help it. Hee hee hee!**_

 **And this wraps it up for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **'s** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **. Which movie review did you enjoy for this year's** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **? Was it** _ **Psycho III, Child's Play, Scream, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers**_ **or** _ **Halloween 5**_ **? Next time, Sean review the movie** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **a.k.a.** _ **Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture**_ **for the movie's 40** **th** **anniversary. This is where another original character is introduced. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review with me on any movies, feel free to message me. Also, I will be working on my first** _ **Coop and Cami**_ **fanfic involving Cami and Charlotte called** _ **Would You Wrather Watch Your Sister?**_ **. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


	78. Episode 74: Star Trek: TMP

**The Mayhem Critic**

 **Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic ended** _ **Halloween Havoc**_ **on a high note, well on a low note when he reviewed the worst Halloween sequel in the** _ **Halloween**_ **franchise,** _ **Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers**_ **. Today, Sean moves away from Halloween Havoc and dives right in to a beloved franchise when he takes a look at** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **, also known as** _ **Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture**_ **. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. Enjoy.**

 **P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **is owned by Paramount Pictures.**

 **(The** _ **Star Trek**_ **opening theme by James Horner plays while the starship Enterprise-A is flying around space. Sean parodies the famous opening quote)**

 **Sean: (Imitating Captain James T. Kirk) Movies: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Mayhem. It's continuing mission: to explore strange old movies, to seek out bad acting and review these abominations, to boldly go where no critic has gone before.**

 **(The** _ **Star Trek II**_ **theme music plays over the credits. In the credits, we see a font style similar to the one in** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **)**

 **THE**

 **MAYHEM CRITIC**

 **Episode Seventy-Four**

 **STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE**

 **Starring**

 **SEAN J. ARCHER**

 **CAMERON ARCHER**

 **TAYLOR ADDISON**

 **BRIAN RUNYON**

 **DAVE BRADSHAW**

 **Special Guest Star**

 **CALEB THE SCI-FI GEEK**

We see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic beaming into his couch. He is seen wearing a Starfleet uniform, the redesigned Starfleet uniform from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

"Whew. I've always hate going through the teleporter. Alright, note to self: use the shuttlecraft next time. I don't want my molecules scrambled." Sean said before looking at the camera to start his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Today, we're going to talk about _Star Trek: The Motion Picture_."

 **(The title screen of the movie is shown while clips from the film are shown while the theme music plays. Then, clips from** _ **Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: TNG, Star Trek: DS9, Star Trek: Voyager**_ **and** _ **Star Trek: Enterprise**_ **are shown as well)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yes, my friends. This is the film that launched an incredibly long-running film franchise that is still active today. And I just want to say this when they do** _ **Star Trek 4**_ **, don't let Quentin Tarantino ruin the franchise. Hey, I'm a big fan of Star Trek, okay, well I'm a casual** _ **Star**_ **Trek fan. Yes, I watch the movies, I watched the original series, I'm a big fan of** _ **Star Trek: The Next Generation**_ **and** _ **Star Trek: Deep Space Nine**_ **is the one I like the most, I watched a couple of episodes of** _ **Star Trek: Voyager**_ **mostly because Seven of Nine was on the show and Jeri Ryan was smoking hot as Seven of Nine, I haven't got around to watch** _ **Star Trek: Enterprise**_ **but I will get around to watching it.**

 **(Clips from** _ **Star Trek: Discovery**_ **is shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Heck, I haven't even watched** _ **Star Trek: Discovery**_ **yet. Well, mostly I just read that a character dropped an F-bomb on the show.**

 _ **Sylvia Tilly (Played by Mary Wiseman): (Laughing) You guys, this is so fucking cool.**_

"Yeah, not a right time to use one of the colorful metaphors. Now, before I talk about _Star Trek: The Motion Picture_ , let's talk about the show that started it all. _Star Trek: The Original Series_." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Star Trek: The Original Series**_ **is shown while the theme music starts playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Star Trek**_ **was a science-fiction television series created by the late Gene Roddenberry. The show stars William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk, Leonard Nimoy as First Officer and Science Officer Spock and DeForest Kelley as Chief Medical Officer Leonard "Bones" McCoy. The show ran for three seasons on NBC from 1966 to 1969. It's the 23** **rd** **century and the crew of the starship Enterprise have embarked on a five-year mission to explore strange new world, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where… okay, you know the whole deal. Sadly, we never got to see the end of their five-year mission because the series was cancelled after three seasons due to declining ratings.**

"Yeah, season three was a weird season. Don't believe me? Check out the episode _Spock's Brain_ , you'll see why. Hell, if you have the show on DVD or if you have Netflix, check it out. I know that there are some people who have seen Spock's Brain will understand, and some who doesn't… yeah." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Years later after the show's cancellation, the series became a hit in broadcast syndication and it achieved a cult status with the fans throughout the 1970s, this convinced Paramount Pictures that there was still life in the series and they offered Roddenberry to turn Star Trek into a motion picture. Here's how it went down.**

 **(Cutaway Gag Starts)**

 **Sean: (as Gene Roddenberry) Okay, I have something for you all. You're definitely going to enjoy this one.**

 **Brian: (as Paramount Executive) Alright, Gene. What do you have for us? We would love to hear about it.**

 **Sean: Alright. You're gonna love it. Here's the script. (Sits the script on the Paramount Executive's desk)**

 **(Brian starts reading the script)**

 **Brian: Uh, Gene. What do you call this one?  
**

**Sean: I call it** _ **The God Thing**_ **.**

 **Brian:** _ **The God Thing**_ **?**

 **Sean: Yes. It's about Admiral Kirk assembling his old crew on the refitted Enterprise and they go up against a godlike entity that's heading towards Earth.**

 **Taylor: (as Paramount Executive #2) I'm sorry, Gene. We're gonna have to reject it.**

 **Sean: But, what about…?**

 **Taylor: Sorry. The first draft of your script isn't working.**

 **Sean: Why?**

 **Brian: We're not going to make a Star Trek movie. Instead, we're going to make a new** _ **Star Trek**_ **TV series.**

 **Sean: A new** _ **Star Trek**_ **TV series?**

 **Taylor: That is correct, Gene. We spoke with a couple of writers but we're just gonna reject them. So, we're going to go back to making a** _ **Star Trek**_ **movie and we're gonna call it** _ **Star Trek: Planet of the Titans**_ **.**

 **Brian: Okay, let's approve the script. Matter of fact, let's reject it and keep it on the shelf.**

 **(Dave enters)**

 **Dave: (as Barry Diller) Gene, Gene. I think it's time for you to take the franchise back to it's roots.**

 **Sean: What do you mean, Barry?**

 **Dave: We're starting our new network Paramount Television Services. That would be the home for the new** _ **Star Trek**_ **series.**

 **Sean: That sounds like a great idea. How about I call it** _ **Star Trek: Phase II**_ **? And I want to bring many of the production staff from the original series to work on the show.**

 **Brian: Really, Gene? We talked about the movie.**

 **Dave: Screw that. We're doing the television show. We'll get the original cast but Leonard won's return as Spock.**

 **Sean: Okay, how about I create a new Vulcan character?**

 **Dave: Not gonna work.**

 **Sean: Okay, I created two other characters Commander William Decker and Ilia. I'm calling this one "In Thy Image". It's about a NASA probe returning to Earth and it gains sentience.**

 **(Adam enters)**

 **Adam: (as Alan Dean Foster) Guys, I wrote a treatment for the pilot.**

 **(Oliver enters)**

 **Oliver: (as Harold Livingston): And I turned it into a treatment.**

 **Adam: And we presented it to Michael Eisner.**

 **(Cami enters)**

 **Cami: (as Paramount Executive #3) Guys, guys, guys! Read the paper. You have got to see this.**

 **(Sean, Brian, Taylor, Adam, Dave and Oliver read the paper)**

 **Dave: What's this?**

 **Brian: What is this** _ **Star Wars**_ **?**

 **Sean: Okay, screw the television show and the television network! Let's get on with the movie and make that** _ **Star Wars**_ **money, bitches!**

 **(Cutaway Gag Ends)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, the studio began production on** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **based on the script that would have been the pilot episode for** _ **Star Trek: Phase II In Thy Image**_ **. After all that mess and a production that went behind schedule and over budget and barely made it's release date, the movie hit theaters on December 7, 1979.**

"So, for it's 40th anniversary, I'm going to review the movie for you. So, without further ado, let's begin this review. This is _Star Trek: The Motion Picture_." Sean said.

 **(The movie starts with a three-minute overture with music by Jerry Goldsmith playing)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) The movie starts with** _ **Star Trek**_ **…** _ **Into Darkness**_ **? Uh, why am I looking at a black screen? I thought I was watching the movie. Look, I love Jerry Goldsmith's music score but geez. Can we start this movie already. Who do you think you are** _ **2001: A Space Odyssey**_ **? So, after that three minute overture, we get our opening credits with the white text on black background and we have that classic theme by the late Jerry Goldsmith, that's an excellent thing about the movie. We see that the story was written by science fiction writer Alan Dean Foster, who's known for writing the** _ **Star Wars**_ **novel** _ **Splinter of the Mind's Eye**_ **. The film was directed by the late Robert Wise, who's known for directing the movies** _ **The Sand Pebbles, The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Haunting, The Andromeda Strain, The Hindenburg**_ **and two of my favorite musicals** _ **West Side Story**_ **and** _ **The Sound of Music**_ **.**

"Well, this movie's off to a great start. You have one of the greatest directors in Hollywood directing a Star Trek movie." Sean said. "But this is an odd numbered _Star Trek_ movie and that one is going to suck and you'll see why this movie is called "The Slow Motion Picture". Trust me."

 **(We cut to some anomaly in space)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Our story begins… (In a deep, booming voice) INNNNNN SPAAAAACE! We see a wibbly, wobbly swirly thing in space. Or as in what Sean "Smeaghead4269" Moore of Cinematic Excrement would say…**

 **(A clip from** _ **Cinematic Excrement**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Sean Moore: All hail the mighty glow cloud.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) We see three of the Klingon Empire's new K't'inga-class warships intercepting this mysterious alien entity and they start checking it out.**

 _ **Klingon Captain (Played by the late Mark Lenard): (In Klingon) Tactical…**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Wait a minute. Hold it. How come the Klingons have ridges on their foreheads? In the original series, the Klingons have flat heats, (shot of an Original Series Klingon, followed by the current version of the Klingons) they never had the ridges on their foreheads. So, why do they have the ridges on their foreheads now? What's the big deal with them?**

"Captain, we have an incoming transmission." Dave said.

"On screen." Sean said.

 **(We are shown static, followed by a young man in his 20s, wearing a yellow and black striped shirt and glasses and we see him in his office filled with comic books, action figures and DVDs)**

"Hey, Sean." The young nerdy man said.

"Oh, Christ. Hi, Caleb. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek." Sean said as he rubs his temples.

"I'm glad that you asked that question. You see, there's several different theories out there on why the Klingons have ridges on their foreheads." Caleb said as Sean rolls his eyes in disgust. "Here's one. There's something called the Klingon augment virus. It was created by Klingon researchers who were attempting to bio-engineer enhanced warriors using DNA from genetically-modified Human embryos left over from Earth's Eugenics Wars." Caleb said.

"Thank you, Caleb. That's all I needed to know." Sean said.

"But Sean, you need a Star Trek expert to help you out. You need me, buddy." Caleb said.

"No, I don't. If I need a Star Trek expert, I'd rather talk to my Aunt Juanita about Star Trek. She knows a lot about _Star Trek_." Sean said.

"But…" Caleb said.

"Also, the reason why the Klingons have ridges on their foreheads is because they have a budget and Gene Roddenberry thought it looked cool." Sean said.

"Now, wait a…" Caleb said as Sean ends the transmission.

"Alright, now let's continue with this review." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, in typical Klingon fashion, they see something and they don't know what it is, so they start shooting at it.**

 **(The Klingon warship fires a torpedo at the anomaly, but we see that it doesn't affect it)**

"We are so fucked." Sean said, speaking in Klingon.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the wibbly, wobbly swirly thing doesn't like that and vaporizes the Klingon bastards.**

 **(The mysterious anomaly fires a torpedo of it's own at the Klingons, disintegrating them. Then, the anomaly makes a sound)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. The wibbly, wobbly swirly thing makes this weird noise that sounds like something from an electric guitar.**

 **(The anomaly makes a sound)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Extreme! (air guitar)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the planet Vulcan, where we see Spock played by Leonard Nimoy, sporting long hair. He's about to partake in a Vulcan ritual called Kolinahr, a ritual that will rid Spock of all of his emotions. But he then senses the mysterious entity and he couldn't go through with the ritual.**

 **(Spock raises his hand to stop the ritual as the sound is heard)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Excellent! (air guitar)**

 _ **Vulcan Master (Played by Edna Glover): (Speaking in Vulcan) Your thoughts… give them to me.**_

"Are you sure about that, lady? You do not need to know what's going on in Spock's mind.

 **(She puts her hand on Spock's face and mind melds with him)**

 **(The scene intercuts with Leonard Nimoy in an episode of** _ **T.J. Hooker**_ **)**

 _ **Sgt. T.J. Hooker (Played by William Shatner): This is wrong, Paul! Dead wrong!**_

 **(Paul punches Hooker in the face)**

 _ **Lt. Paul McGuire (Played by the late Leonard Nimoy): Everything you're doing is getting in my way, Hooker!**_

 **Sean: (V/O as Vulcan Master) What the hell, man?**

 **(We cut to San Francisco)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco, where we see Admiral James T. Kirk played by William Shatner. He meets up with a discount Vulcan replacement for Spock. For some reason, Admiral Kirk doesn't trust anyone else to handle this mission, so he can regain the Enterprise and handle the mission.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk (Played by William Shatner): Twelve. I'm on my way to a meeting with Admiral Nogura which will not last more than three minutes. Report to me on the Enterprise in one hour.**_

 _ **Lt. Cmdr. Sonak (Played by Jon Rashad Kamal): Report to you, sir?**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: It is my intention to be on that ship following that meeting. Report to me in one hour.**_

"Oh, yeah. The new Vulcan science officer is totally dead. I'm not kidding. Just slap a red shirt on him and he's dead as the rest of the red shirts on the show." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kirk meets up with the Enterprise's chief engineer Scotty, played by James Doohan, and they take a shuttle over to the Enterprise because the Enterprise's teleporters aren't working so well.**

 _ **Scotty (Played by the late James Doohan): She needs more work, sir. A shakedown.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Mr. Scott, an alien object of unbelievable destructive power is less than three days away from this planet. The only starship in interception range is the Enterprise. Ready or not, she launches in 12 hours.**_

"So, why couldn't you just send another ship over to deal with this alien entity? I know that the Enterprise is the only starship in interception range but it still needs some work done. Hell, Scotty said that they have just finished 18 months redesigning and refitting the Enterprise. She's not going to be ready in 12 hours. So, just send another ship over." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kirk and Scotty take a shuttle over to the drydock and we see the newly designed Enterprise. And this is where the movie comes to a screeching halt. For some reason, Robert Wise felt the need to show the audience every… square… inch… of the Enterprise. Look, I get it. The Enterprise looks amazing but nothing is actually happening.**

 **(We are shown more shots of the Enterprise)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Come on, say something. Can we get some dialogue here? You're boring us here. Can we get a goddamn move on?!**

 **(More shots of the Enterprise and Kirk looking over it)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Movie, you're killing me here. We get it, we fucking get it. The ship looks amazing and so does the visuals and the cinematography. Jesus, how long are we gonna spend looking at the ship?**

 **(We see the words "Five Minutes" on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Five minutes?!**

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I'll be busy having a good wank to Molly Stewart and Abella Danger having some fun with each other and I come back and see that this is still going on! Uh-uh, no way!" Sean exclaimed.

"Uh, you do realize that you can press the "skip" button on the remote, right?" Cami asked.

"Oh, right. I forgot." Sean said as he presses the skip button on the DVD remote.

 **(We skip to the next scene)**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott.**_

 _ **Scotty: Aye, sir.**_

"Ah, much better. The skip button is useful when something boring happens in this movie." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So after they get onboard the ship, finally. Kirk reunites with his old friends, Sulu played by George Takei, Chekov played by Walter Koenig and Uhura played by Nichelle Nichols…**

"Fun fact: my mom met Nichelle Nichols in the comic expo back in September. She got her picture take with her and she's got her autograph." Sean said as a photo of his mother and Nichelle Nichols is shown.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kirk also meets the current captain of the Enterprise, Willard Decker played by Stephen Collins.**

"Oh, dear." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kirk breaks the news to Decker that he will be assuming command as captain, which Decker doesn't take the news very well and Kirk demotes the poor guy.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: I'm replacing you as captain of the Enterprise. You'll stay on as executive officer, temporary grade reduction to commander.**_

 _ **Decker (Played by Stephen Collins): You, personally, are assuming command?**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Yeah.**_

 _ **Decker: May I ask why?**_

"Well, maybe it's because Captain Kirk found out that you turned out to be a piece of shit pedophile." Sean said as the buzzer starts buzzing. "What? I can't make that joke? Oh, come on! (Sighs) Fine, let me stick with the less colorful joke. It's because he's going to play the bad guy in _No Ordinary Family_. Anyone remember that show? It aired on ABC from 2010 to 2011. It's about a family who gains superpowers after their plane crashes in the Amazon. He played the main villain of the show. Alright, fuck this noise. Let me just make this obvious joke, it's because he's going to be starring in _7_ _th_ _Heaven_. There, happy?"

 _ **Decker: Admiral, this is an almost totally new Enterprise. You don't know her a tenth as well as I do!**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: That's why you're staying aboard. I'm sorry, Will.**_

 _ **Decker: No, Admiral. I don't think you're sorry. Not one damn bit.**_

"Okay, what sense does it make for Kirk to take over? If he just wants to help, then that's fine. Decker knows the ship better than him. Kirk is being an asshole, so fuck him. But then again I realize that Decker is still played by Stephen Collins, so fuck him too. Can we get a responsible captain to take over for these two idiot?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But it isn't long for something bad to happen as they try to beam aboard Discount Spock and another crew member after fixing the transporters, but they suddenly start acting up and what happens next gets pretty disturbing for a G-rated movie.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Give it to me!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, let the captain who's been told that he doesn't know the ship better take away control from the person who's qualified for the job!**

 **(The female officer screams horrifically. Then, we see her body and Commander Sonak's bodies disappear)**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Oh, my God. Starfleet, do you have them?**_

 _ **Intercom: Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long. Fortunately.**_

"Great job, Kirk. Great job. You take command as captain of the ship and immediately you just killed two people. Now, we won't get to know, uh, what was his name again?" Sean asked.

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Commander Sonak.**_

"Right, right. Commander Sonak. Who cares about that guy? Let's move on." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After getting the transporters to work properly, we're introduced to the Enterprise's new navigator, Lieutenant Ilia played by the late Persis Khambatta. Ilia is part of a hairless humanoid race from the planet Delta IV.**

 _ **Decker: Hello, Ilia.**_

 _ **Ilia (Played by the late Persis Khambatta): Decker.**_

 _ **Decker: I was stationed on the lieutenant's home planet some years ago.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that Decker and Ilia had a thing for each other years ago. Just wanted to point that out.**

 _ **Ilia: (To Capt. Kirk) My oath of celibacy is on record, Captain.**_

We cut back to Sean, who immediately does a spit take while sipping a can of Pepsi. "Eww!"

 **Sean: (Narrating) Why would you mention that? We don't need to know that. It's like Captain Kirk saying that his oath of promiscuity is on record.**

"Well, the reason why Ilia swore an oath of celibacy was because the Deltans' strong sexual attraction could be a distraction for members of other species. Oh, and their oath of celibacy was a promise that they're obligated to swear upon service in Starfleet, which means that they would not take advantage of any of their non-Deltan crewmates." Caleb said.

"Dude, seriously? I am well aware of the reason why Ilia took an oath of celibacy. I read the Memory Alpha wiki." Sean said.

"Oh… well, since you know that. I'll let you continue." Caleb said.

"Thank you." Sean said. "Now…"

"But if you need my assistance, let me know. I'm a huge Star Trek fan." Caleb said.

"Oh, God!" Sean growled.

 **Sean: (Narrating) We still got one more crew member to come aboard and it's Dr. McCoy, played by DeForest… (sees that McCoy beamed in with a full beard and wearing something like he's going to a Disco and starts laughing) oh, ho, hooooooo my God. What is he wearing?**

"Holy Saturday Night Fever, Batman! Can we play some fitting music for this scene?" Sean asked while he continues to laugh.

 **(The song "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees starts playing)**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Well, for a man who swore he'd never return to the Starfleet…**_

 _ **Dr. McCoy (Played by the late DeForest Kelley): Just a moment, Captain, sir. I'll explain what happened. Your revered Admiral Nogura invoked a little known, seldom used reserve activation clause. In simpler language, Captain, they drafted me.**_

"Oh, my God. That outfit looks ridiculous." Sean said.

 **(Clips from** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **and** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **are shown)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And if you think that McCoy's outfit looks ridiculous, then you should see their uniforms. They had them wearing these one-piece jumpsuits that are gray, white, gray and white, blue, brown and beige. I didn't care for them, they look silly then and they look silly now. Hell, it's a good thing that the Starfleet Uniforms were changed in** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **. They redesigned the uniforms, giving them a naval-type design.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: I need you. Damn it, Bones. I need you. Badly!**_

"Oh, great. Now I'm gonna have to make this joke." Sean said as he points up at the ceiling.

 _ **Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So now that they got the crew together, the ship can finally leave drydock…**

 **(The Enterprise pulls out of dock while going just as slow as it was when seeing it from the outside.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Can you go a bit faster, please?! My God, how long is this going to take? (We get more slow shots) Speed it up! What do you think this is** _ **2001: A Space Odyssey**_ **? Give us an action scene. Do something, dammit!**

 **(We cut to a shot of a door to the engine room closing as someone manages to make it in quickly)**

"Well, we got our thrilling action sequence. A man nearly missing a door. This calls for some epic maneuver music." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.

 **(Nightwish's** _ **Ghost Love Score**_ **starts playing as we see the man making it through the door quickly)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Kirk, getting bored at how slow things are going, orders the Enterprise to go warp drive. But Decker and Scotty both point out that the ship's new engines haven't been tested properly. But Kirk demands to speed things along and he needs warp speed now.**

 _ **Sulu (Played by George Takei): Warp 1, sir.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Mr. Decker.**_

 _ **Computer: Emergency alert! Emergency alert! Emergency alert!**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: (Sees that the ship gets caught in a wormhole) Wormhole!**_

"Our captain, ladies and gentlemen!" Sean yelled out.

 **Sean: (Narrating) The Enterprise gets caught in a wormhole, which was created by an engine imbalance and they're about to collide with an asteroid that has been pulled inside. Kirk orders the Enterprise to fire it's phasers at it but…**

 **(The visuals and the audio on the bridge are shown to be distorted)**

 _ **Decker: No! Belay that phaser order!**_

We cut back to Sean as we see that the visuals and audio in his living room are shown to be distorted.

"Wow, I feel like I'm on an acid trip. Well, it was made in the seventies, so I shouldn't be surprised. Whoa! So, trippy!" Sean said in a distorted voice.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Decker has Chekov blast the asteroid with a proton torpedo, which saves the day. Okay, just to clarify: Kirk killed two people and he almost endangered the lives of his crew. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. And you think that Kirk would be happy about this but he's not. So he drags Decker to his quarters to demand an explanation.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Why was my phaser order countermanded?**_

 _ **Decker: Sir, the Enterprise redesign increases phaser power by channeling it through the main engines. When they went into anti-matter imbalance, the phasers were automatically cut off.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Then you acted properly, of course.**_

"Yeah, Captain Decker is right. I mean Commander Decker. Is he still the captain of this ship or is he a commander? Plus, if they fired the phasers on the asteroid, they would all be dead. Was Alan Dean Foster and Harold Livingston trying to make Captain Kirk a complete idiot because they're making him look like one right about now." Sean said.

 _ **Decker: I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: You saved the ship.**_

 _ **Decker: I'm aware of that, sir.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Stop competing with me, Decker!**_

"Stop pointing out the obvious things that I do wrong, you perverted child toucher." Sean said, imitating James T. Kirk.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. We have a cheesy, romantic subplot between Decker and Ilia and their romantic past with each other. God kill me.**

 _ **Decker: I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Ilia: That you left Delta IV? Or that you didn't even say goodbye?**_

We cut back to Sean, who's busy looking bored from watching the movie.

 _ **Decker: …would you have been able to say it?**_

 _ **Ilia: No.**_

 **(Ilia walks away just as the scene transitions to the intro to** _ **General Hospital**_ **from 1993)**

"Stop, stop, stop! I didn't realize that I was watching General Hospital. What the fuck, movie?! Why do I have to sit through this stupid as hell romance between Decker and Ilia. I would rather watch General Hospital and wait for Cameron and Josslyn to get together. They have a better love story than these two morons. Where the hell is Spock?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) After that pointless romantic history between Decker and Ilia, McCoy accuses Kirk of being the one who was competing and the fact that he used the emergency so that Starfleet can get him command of the Enterprise.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: And I intend to keep her, is that what you're saying?**_

 _ **McCoy: Yes. It's an obsession. An obsession that can blind you to far more immediate and critical responsibilities. Your reaction to Decker is an example, Jim.**_

"I agree with Dr. McCoy. Kirk doesn't want anyone to be in control of the Enterprise. You should've seen him a few scenes earlier, he looked like he was getting a massive hard-on from seeing it." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then we have one more crew member to join then them and it's Mr….**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Spock!**_

"Hey, I was going to say that." Sean said.

"Originators of the Kirk/Spock male slash rejoice." Caleb said.

"What? They have fanfics about Kirk and Spock?" Sean asked.

"Yeah. And trust me, you do not want to know or even check it out." Caleb said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Hey, it's a good thing that Leonard Nimoy's on the movie and that he finally got his royalty checks. Without Spock, the movie will suck.**

 _ **Spock (Played by the late Leonard Nimoy): I'm aware of your engine design difficulties. I offer my services as science officer. With all due respect, Commander.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: If our exec has no objections?**_

 _ **Decker: Of course not. I'm well aware of Mr. Spock's qualifications.**_

"Dang, Decker can't catch a break. He's been demoted twice. If he gets demoted again, then he will be delivering some religious propaganda." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, with Spock on the Enterprise, he repairs the engines on the ship and they're now rebalanced for full warp capacity. Now, we can speed things along.**

 _ **McCoy: Spock, you haven't changed a bit. You're just as warm and sociable as ever.**_

 _ **Spock: Nor have you, Doctor, as your continued predilection for irrelevancy demonstrates.**_

"Or we can just talk. Haven't I told you that you're boring me to death here?" Sean asked.

 _ **Spock: (On the alien entity) I believe it may hold my answers.**_

 _ **McCoy: Well, isn't it lucky for you that we just happened to be heading your way?**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Bones! We need him. I need him.**_

Sean points up at the ceiling as the song starts playing.

 _ **Singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) So, they finally arrive at the wibbly, wobbly swirly thing.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Full mag on viewer!**_

 _ **Sulu: Full mag, sir.**_

 **(The anomaly makes a sound)**

 **Sean: (V/O) Tubular! (air guitar)**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Linguacode?**_

 _ **Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): Continuing friendship messages on all frequencies, sir.**_

 _ **Chekov (Played by Walter Koenig): All decks and divisions confirmed. Status Red.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the alien anomaly scans them and they enter the wibbly, wobbly swirly thing, which attacks them by firing a torpedo at them, which overloads the ship's systems and it burns Chekov's hand. But luckily they have a Deltan navigator that can heal him with her magic healing powers.**

"I just wanted to point that out because I'm reviewing the theatrical version that I own and that part wasn't in the theatrical version but it was in the director's cut." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Spock sends out a transmission to the anomaly just in time before it tries to vaporize them and it lets them enter. And then we're treated to more slow, slow, slow, slooooooooooooooooooooow shots.**

 **(The next shots are either the anomaly or the Enterprise crew)**

"Oh, for crying out loud. Really?" Sean asked.

 **(We get more slow-moving anomaly shots)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Jesus, it's still going on? Add an action scene, blow some shit up, do something!**

 **(More anomaly shots)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) I hate to ask this, but how long is this going to take?**

 **(We see the words "Ten Minutes Long" appearing on the screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ten minutes?! This scene lasts ten fucking minutes?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of punishment is this?**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: The Next Generation Interactive VCR Board Game**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Kavok (Played by Robert O'Reilly): Experience bij.**_

 **(We see the words "Experience Bij" pops up on the screen while Jerry Goldsmith's** _ **Klingon Battle**_ **theme starts playing)**

 **(We cut to more shots of the Enterprise crew and more slow shots of the anomaly)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Ugh! God, Star Trek Into Darkness was more faster paced than this stupid movie. Look, I get it. You have a budget! It doesn't mean for you to act like** _ **2001: A Space Odyssey**_ **and** _ **Close Encounters of the Third Kind**_ **.**

"Who am I kidding? Douglas Trumbull who worked on the visual effects on this movie also did the visual effects for _2001: A Space Odyssey_ and _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_. Also, he worked on _Blade Runner_." Sean said as a photo of director/special effects supervisor Douglas Trumbull is shown.

 **(We continue with more slow-moving shots of the anomaly)**

"End! End! For the love of God end!" Sean yelled out.

 **(We see a beam of light appearing on the bridge)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And thank God it does end as something actually happen here. The anomaly sends a probe onto the Enterprise, which takes control of the computers on the bridge as Spock thinks of the most logical thing to do.**

 **(Spock moves Decker away from the computer and smashes it with his fists)**

"Just go Hulk on it's ass by smashing the computer. Why the hell would you do that? Couldn't you just unplug the computer?" Sean asked.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But the probe doesn't like it when people interfere, so he zaps Spock for a bit, then moves Ilia and scoops her up.**

 **(Ilia vanishes along with the probe, her tricorder falls to the floor)**

 _ **Decker: (Angrily) This is how I defined unwarranted.**_

"Eh, you can forget about her. At least you can move on to someone much younger." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Ilia shows up, but it's not her because she has a small red device on her neck. We'll call this one Ilia Bot. She's been programed by the anomaly known as V'Ger to observe and record the normal functions of the carbon-based units infesting the U.S.S. Enterprise. Kirk asks the Ilia Bot why is V'Ger travelling to Earth. Her answer: to find the Creator to join with him so that V'Ger and the Creator will become one.**

 **(A clip from** _ **Star Trek: The Original Series**_ **is shown)**

 _ **Spock: Logical.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) You know something, Kirk has only one thing on his mind: "Can he have sex with it?". Anyway, they take the Ilia Bot over to sick bay to examine her. Then Decker enters and sees the Ilia Bot. Oh, great. Decker wants to have sex with the Ilia Bot. But Spock theorizes that the real Ilia's memories and feelings have been duplicated in that robot copy of herself.**

 _ **Spock: (To Decker) You did have a relationship with Lieutenant Ilia, Commander.**_

 _ **Decker: That probe, in another form, is what killed Ilia!**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Commander! Will, we're locked in an alien vessel, six hours from Earth orbit. Our only contact with our captor is that probe. If we could control it, persuade it, use it…**_

 **(The probe bust through the door)**

 _ **Ilia: I have recorded enough here. (Points at Kirk) You will now assist me further.**_

"Well, that's great. Now, Kirk has no choice but to fuck her. What a man-whore." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) But Kirk has Decker to assist the Ilia Bot to let her study everything around her. While all that is going on, Spock who still wants to know why he sensed V'Ger, knocks out one of the guards by doing the Vulcan nerve pinch on him and goes outside the ship in a space suit so he can get close to V'Ger.**

 **(Spock enter the interior of V'Ger and we get some visuals of the interior of the spacecraft)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) And yes, this is the movie's way of jacking off all over our faces with it's amazing visuals. Boy, they're putting Douglas Trumbull's work to good use. So Spock makes his way inside V'Ger and comes across…**

 **(The center of V'Ger looks like a vagina, surrounded by spheres)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) …a giant space vagina. I'm not kidding. It looks like a giant space vagina. Hell, the last area that Spock had to go through look like an anus!**

"Are you trying to say that sci-fi writers don't get tons of booty? Hell, Harlan Ellison's been getting tons of booty before he died." Sean said.

 **(A photo of sci-fi writer Harlan Ellison is shown with sunglasses and a pimp hat, surrounded by female porn actresses like Jenna Sativa, Sara Luvv, Carter Cruise, Gia Paige, Kenna James, Aletta Ocean and Adria Rae)**

"Man, the writer of _A Boy and His Dog_ and _The Outer Limits_ episode Soldier was a total pimp." Sean said.

"He also wrote the episode _The City on the Edge of Forever_ for the first season of _Star Trek_." Caleb said.

"Oh, you're right. He did. Wasn't there a dispute between Roddenberry and Ellison from what I've read about?" Sean asked.

"Yep." Caleb asked.

 **(Spock sees a giant image of Ilia with the sensor on her neck)**

 **Spock: The sensor must contain some special meaning. I must try to mind-meld with it.**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Spock tries to mind-meld with V'Ger but it doesn't end well, causing him to get his point-eared ass get handed to him on a silver platter and sent back towards the Enterprise. He's taken to sick bay and tells Kirk that V'Ger came from a planet populated by living machines where it's gained so much knowledge over time. Yeah, except for one question: who is the Creator?**

 **(We see a photo of God from** _ **Star Trek V: The Final Frontier**_ **pop up on screen)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) No, no, no! That's God. Let** _ **Star Trek V**_ **deal with that problem. Until V'Ger finds it's creator, it will take out the carbon units in it's way until it finds an answer.**

 _ **Ilia: The Creator has not answered. The carbon-unit infestation is to be removed from the Creator's planet.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Why?**_

 _ **Ilia: You infest Enterprise. You interfere with the Creator in the same manner.**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) But then Spock comes to a realization about V'Ger.**

 _ **Spock: V'Ger is a child. I suggest you treat her as such.**_

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: A child?**_

"Oh, well. Does V'Ger wants some ice cream from Dairy Queen? Does V'Ger want some pizza from Pizza Hut? Does V'Ger wants to go to the park and play in the swings? Does V'Ger wants to watch _Riverdale_? This sounds pretty stupid." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Enterprise flies into V'Ger. So Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker and the Ilia Bot head down to the center of V'Ger where they find something unexpected. It turns out that V'Ger is in fact Voyager 6, a satellite sent out many years ago but it was sucked into a wormhole and was stranded on the machine planet. Over the years, it evolved with so much knowledge and now it still wants to join with it's creator.**

 _ **McCoy: You mean, this machine wants to physically join with a human? Is that possible?**_

 **Sean: (Narrating) Apparently its is as Decker, knowing that he won't be in any part of the franchise gives himself up to V'Ger as Ilia Bot joins with Decker and V'Ger, which sets off a big bang and the Enterprise flies outta there.**

 _ **Capt. James T. Kirk: Spock, did we just see the beginning of a new life form?**_

 _ **Spock: Yes, Captain. We witnessed a birth. Possibly, a next step in our evolution.**_

"Good, let's forget about that next step in evolution and never mention that in any of the _Star Trek_ movies." Sean said.

 **Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! A big bang was set off by another big bang, the crew is back together again and they go off where no man has gone before. The end.**

 **(The Enterprise goes into warp drive and we see the words "The Human Adventure Is Just Beginning." on the screen)**

"And that was _Star Trek: The Motion Picture_ and no wonder they call this one "The Slow Motion Picture"." Sean said.

 **(Clips from the movie are shown again)**

 **Sean: (Narrating) Okay, let's start with the bad: the characters aren't developed enough, the movie's pacing is slow. Even though the effects were amazing, it gets boring very fast. And now for the good points: the visual effects were amazing, Jerry Goldsmith's music score is awesome and epic, the movie had some interesting ideas. There was a special longer version of the film that was released on VHS. When the movie was released on DVD, there was the director's cut which had some updated visual effects and it was much better than the theatrical version.** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **isn't a good film for fans of the franchise. It's a total borefest. If you're doing a** _ **Star Trek**_ **movie marathon, that's fine. But this is a film you can easily skip. Coming in at 3 bald Deltan chicks out of 5.**

"Well, that's all for my review of _Star Trek: The Motion Picture_. I hope you all enjoyed and…." Sean said until he's interrupted by the sound of a crowd booing.

 **(The text "Do Wrath of Khan" appears on the screen with Sean rolling his eyes in annoyance)**

"All right, all right. I'll quickly go over _The Wrath of Khan_." Sean said.

 **(The title screen for "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" is shown as well as clips from the movie)**

 **Sean: (Narrating)** _ **Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan**_ **was released in theaters on June 4, 1982 and boy, did they totally redeem themselves. This is the one that** _ **Star Trek**_ **fans call it the best** _ **Star Trek**_ **movie ever. It has a good story, great interactions between the villain, an intimidating villain, memorable dialogue, some awesome looking uniforms and some tense, action-packed space battles. This is my favorite in the franchise. The plot sees the return of Khan Noonien Singh, played by the late Ricardo Montalban. Khan first appeared on the episode** _ **Space Seed**_ **on the first season of Star Trek, one of the best episodes in the series. This movie is not only one of the best Star Trek movies ever but it's one of the best sci-fi movies of all time. If you're new to** _ **Star Trek**_ **, I suggest that you start by watching** _ **The Wrath of Khan**_ **first, skip the first movie you're not missing out. If you want to watch the first film, then more power to you.**

"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to get ready for a certain annual special." Sean said as he picks up his Cap'n Crunch t-shirt and his remote. "It's coming, guys. It's coming."

 **Mayhem Critic Tagline-** _ **Spock!**_

 **And that's all for the review of** _ **Star Trek: The Motion Picture**_ **for** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **. What did you guys think of the new character Caleb? Want to see him appearing in more reviews? Next time on** _ **The Mayhem Critic**_ **, it's that time again. That's right, it's commercials time! Sean takes a look at more commercials along with his buddy Lucas in** _ **Commercials III: Revenge of the Commercials**_ **. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.**


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